Germany & France w/ Jason Ellis | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

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Especially in California, there's so many AA people like, yeah, you can smoke weed.

And you're like, no, I can't.

California's sober?

Yeah, especially.

Why are you putting California in front of it?

You're not sober.

Like, just relax.

It's okay to not be sober, but don't try to join my gang.

You're not in it.

Yeah.

I used to do shrooms and weed.

Because you're not sober.

Yeah.

You're like, good for you for not drinking, but like, stop saying that.

This is what the TERFs are: where they're like, you're not a woman.

You're not a man anymore, but don't act like you had your period the same year I did.

It's just like, call us something else.

Oh, shit.

Welcome to you be tripping, everybody.

Welcome back.

It's a travel podcast.

If you've never watched before,

every week I have a guest that takes us to a different place.

It's the only podcast made with 100% real bone marrow.

And today, the guest is former top 10 skater in the world.

Yeah.

Tucking crazy fighter.

And

now stand-up comedian, Jason Ellis.

I got into a fight with you about you on Rogan.

You did?

Yeah.

Not because you're talking shit on me, right?

No.

No.

In the past, you have talked shit.

You told Lewis that you would beat me.

He would beat me because I'm an old man.

But

I was like, keep talking, dude.

Because you're making him fall into a trap.

I was like, yeah, no, I'm real old, dude.

That's what it is.

Well, my truth is not truth of words.

My truth is like getting where things I want to get.

Oh, well then, because I was like, wow, you really think that I count five?

I just want that five half.

That's crazy.

I want to see Lewis die in the ring.

So like, so like,

I hope he doesn't watch us.

So, yeah, I want to instigate.

I wasn't going to kill him.

But, yeah, you do this with your manager.

Because.

Zap the neck.

No, I was, your name came up and I was like, he was a fucking, whatever.

I forget what we were talking about, but I was like he was be like a top 10 skateboarder and Norman was like no way he skates so yeah, I know no way I'm like really I thought he was he goes no I'm like well, you know skating So I guess I'm wrong.

No, I think your discussion was about street invert Maybe that's it and he was like he cuz I'm not a street skater I'm a terrible street skater, but you were top 10 invert I was top three top three.

That's what I looked up.

Yeah, I was so mad later because I was like, I can't be wrong on this.

No, you weren't,

but that's half pipes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Mark's a street skater.

Yeah, true.

So, yeah.

He was right.

You were both just, you were arguing about the incorrect things.

Yeah.

He was like, he is not a top 10 street skater.

And it's like, you're very right.

I am not.

But am I, was I a top 10 Verde skater?

Fuck yeah, for over 10 years.

That's crazy.

Anyway, but now you're a standard comedian.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hobbyist at skating.

Yeah, pretty much.

I'm still pro.

Because now I'm sober.

I can skate good again.

I did a fucking 540.

I did a backside 540 a year ago.

yeah and it's the grab a backside 540 i'm the oldest person to do it your video of that 52 fuck yeah

i did it at a demo send it send me send me in front of everybody wow it's on my i saved it on my instagram you i mean when you're hitting a trick how do you go hey everybody look at this next one i'm gonna do something red like that's what i didn't want to be like stop talking well that one because i started skating again and i was getting a couple of my old tricks back but not all of them because i'm i'm not as fast as i was and then the other thing is like when you're 52 I can kind of and I'm fitter now that because I used to drink I was a drunk pro skateboarder so then so now I'm almost as quick as I used to be but I don't skate as much because I can't if I skate every day I probably wouldn't be able to walk because the wear and tear it'll just start to wreck me yeah so I start every now and then at a demo I'd spin a 540 and some people be like dude that was pretty close and I was like I know right that was crazy and then at this particular demo I spanned one that day and I was like oh I saw the landing because i when you when you do a 540 you have to look and then you turn your back to the ramp so then you come back around and you look at your landing and i was so old and rusty that i could never really see the landing so i was like maybe i'll make it but 50 50 like getting knocked out at 52 is not cool yeah but that day i was like oh i saw it and then there was another guy that's as old as me or just like a year younger who's still really good and he was like you saw it didn't you i was like i did he's like would you fucking put one down i was like because if i put it down wrong and i get knocked out, like, dude, you know what I mean?

Like, if I break my shit right now, like, I don't know if I'm into that.

Then I'm not skating again for a while.

But then I put one down and I was like, oh, I could make that.

And then everybody in the demo, I was the announcer.

And everyone was like, give me the fucking microphone, Ellis.

Make that fucking trick right now.

And it was in a big demo, like a big crowd.

So the crowd was hyping me.

You can't say no to a chant.

Yeah.

When they're doing it, you're like, no, no, guys, I can't.

Like, okay, I'm going to try.

I'll kill myself right now because of this chant.

That's what happened.

Yeah, I'm ready to die.

At one point, I actually slammed twice.

I tore my groin and I was under the ramp, and I was like, it's over.

And it's like, L list, L list.

And I was like,

fuck it.

Yeah.

Just fucking one more time in your life.

Dude, I made it.

I cried.

And a couple of other guys that were there were also crying too because they were like, when you're 50, dude, and you do a trick, like my trick, I was like seven foot above a fucking 13 foot high vert ramp, spinning a 540.

And you do that wrong,

you could die, dude.

Like, when you're 52, if you over-rotate on a 540 and flick back on the back of your head, you could, at my age, you could die.

And I made it, and I was like, that's more than likely the last time I'll ever do that.

I have a board over your root knee and I still, I have the board, the whole setup, because it's like, it's super special to me.

Yeah, yeah.

Damn.

Or I'll sell it depending on how much.

I think the board was last major.

It's like.

Yeah, dude.

Fuck yeah.

And that, there was a few people there that knew that.

Like when Tony found out, he immediately called me and was like, dude, because it was, it's, it was the last time we did a 540 was 20 years ago.

I love how supportive skaters are.

Instead of going, like, I want to be the best, they're just like, nice one.

That was a good one.

Especially us, dude.

Like, because there's like, there's probably like 10, 15 of us that are in our 50s that still skate vert.

The rest of us are gone, dude.

Tom Shar was on here at this podcast.

Yeah, I saw that.

Yeah, I asked him, he came to see me at the Village Underground afterwards, like on his show, and I ate a dick.

it was so bad i saw him afterwards i'm like hey hey so

thanks for coming

he was even looking i was like good job but like no he wasn't self he did it that dude is a fucking he is gnarly man yeah but i asked him he reminded me of drink i asked him like when next time you're in new york do you drink at all and he goes no i'm like oh oh well all right well we'll go for a walk or something but it was like oh you're committed and that's why you're top he should not drink for at least another decade because he is on the cutting edge he's like the top two vert dudes in the world that's so cool yeah he's a fucking freak right now nice guy too right just pleasant nice dude yeah he's the best i love that guy we're gonna take us now for something that had to do with your skating yeah where where where do you want to go where are we headed so i went to

go to where this is uh i was 19 and i was on a skateboard company when vert skating because you're going to figure this out on this fucking podcast vert skating had took a huge shit and it was very unpopular.

So when I was one of the best up-and-coming Verk guys in the world,

the skateboard sponsor that I had, Planet Earth, were like the Munster Cup in Germany is on.

The Munster Cup?

Yeah, Munster.

Munster Germany.

It was.

Oh, Munster.

I thought it was like Monster Energy.

No, exactly.

This was before Munster existed.

I'm very old.

They couldn't afford to fly me there.

So I paid for my own ticket and I stayed on the floor in someone else's hotel room to be in this Vert contest.

And at this point, you were ranked where?

None.

Zero.

Okay.

People knew me.

If you were a Vert dude, you knew me, but I was just some little rat.

And I got fifth in the world.

So, like, I beat everybody.

Like, all the big up-and-comers, Danny Ways, all those guys, I beat them.

I remember, dude, he was.

That must have been huge.

That must have been like, hey, I'm on the scene now.

After the contest, like, when I was in the contest, nobody knew me.

After the contest, like, immediately after, as I'm leaving the ramp, everyone's like, Alice, Alice.

Like, Tony Hawk knew me.

Like, everybody knew me in under an hour.

Wow.

And I was like, I fucking made it.

Wow.

And people, what they didn't know is I'm from Australia and I grew up as a fucking raging alcoholic without knowing it at the time.

So when I.

Because it's Australia.

That's just normal.

And people are like, I don't drink.

And you're like, you've had four tonight.

Like, yeah, just four, though.

No, nobody had four.

That's insane.

What the fuck?

That's your version of not drinking there.

You're like, you have a disease if you have four.

Like, there's something wrong with you.

Yeah, so I got, we went to a bar in Germany and I got immediately pounding beers in those big beer mugs and we're fucking drinking, pounding.

And I'm on the top, I'm on cloud nine, man.

Like, I got fifth in the world.

Everybody knows me.

Like, people are talking about sponsorship deals and stuff.

And I got real drunk and we were raging.

And I fucking smashed a beer mug over my head, like, just to celebrate, you know?

They're so thick, though.

Yeah, well, so am I.

Okay, so I go, pshh, and someone, like, because glass shatters everyone, someone goes, did you just smash it over your head?

And I go, yeah.

And this other dude, I think it was Jeff Kendall, another legendary pro skateboarder, goes, Ellis, like, yeah, and holds a beer mug in front of me.

And I just went, whoosh, and fucking punched it and smashed it everywhere.

What's wrong with you?

And everyone goes, fuck yeah, Ellis.

And I'm like, fuck yeah.

And then all of a sudden, blood is squirting out of my fingers.

And I'm like, oh, shit, and it's like big gouges.

Which hand is it?

Because there's still scars all over it from it.

Yes, this one.

What?

So there's flaps of skin on my knuckles like sticking off and blood squirting out.

And I'm like, oh, shit.

So

my team manager at the time is like, dude, we got to get you to hospital.

And at one point, I go to get in a taxi and a taxi goes, no way, because I got blood squirting.

Fair.

Fair.

I'm on his side.

Yeah.

So then we found a plastic bag in a trash can to put my hand in a plastic bag just to get a cap because nobody would take me because there was blood squirting out, and I'm drunk.

I'm a drunk Australian going, oh mate, let me get in the taxi to go to hospital.

You know, no one would let me.

I go to hospital, they give me like no one's, it's fucking Germany, no one speaks English.

They stab me with those needles, and I sober up real quick when that needle goes in the first knuckle.

They sew me up, I got a cast on, well, not a cat, I got a sling on because they want me to keep my hand elevated and then I blew my left knee out so I no no no in the contest I went in the next contest so we fly from Germany to the Grand Bernard France and it's like an old

it's like a weird like farm town like not and they have skating there they have it they had a rant not a I don't know if it was permanent maybe it was permanent what's it called grand the grand bernard

Grand Bernard, France.

Here we go.

Hey, guys.

Let me break in real quick to tell you a little bit about our guest today, Mr.

Jason Ellis.

He's a

world-renowned skateboarder.

Literally, top three in the world at Vert.

In a recent episode of Protect Our Parks, Mark Norman incorrectly admonished me saying, how dare you?

Well, he didn't say it like that.

He said, like,

autism.

Said he was never top 10.

He was way wrong.

He was totally top 10.

He was third in the world in Vert.

And he's like, maybe I said skateboarding.

Sure, sure, sure.

Maybe he meant street.

Maybe he meant street.

But that doesn't give him the excuse for that attitude.

I don't think so.

Jason Ellis has moved on to start a career in mixed martial arts.

He was also featured in Jackass, which is one of the best credits he ever had.

And he's also now a podcaster.

He's got two podcasts, the Jason Ellis Show

and Hawk vs.

Wolf that he does with his good friend Tony Hawk.

He's also a stand-up comedian.

He's going to be on the road.

And

you can get all tickets for him at JasonEllis, thejasonellis.com.

April 30th is Zaney Chicago, then in Nashville, Tennessee on May 1st.

Miami, May 21st.

Ocala, Florida, May 23rd.

Vancouver or New Westmin,

June 13th and 14th.

Capitol Ballroom in Victoria, June 15th.

And five shows of the comic strip in Alberta, Edmonton,

June 19th through the 21st.

And Denver Comedy Works, August 6th.

Congratulations, best club in the world.

And Plano, Texas, August 7th.

All tickets are available at thejasonellis.com.

For myself, I'm off tour.

My tour is finished.

No, actually, I have one more gig in Anchorage, Alaska,

June 18th.

Get tickets at ari Shapir.com.

And my storytelling show, this, well,

this storytelling show is still happening April 20th 21st 22nd in New York City if you want to get tickets guys dress up don't dress up in a weird costume Somebody said he was gonna wear a Hitler outfit.

I'll turn you away at the door you fucking idiot.

It's not about you

But wear something fun

Wear a suit if you want it's up to you to the box in New York City April 20th 21st 22nd get tickets at arieshair.com.

Do not get two tickets for the same night

You only allowed in for one show per night, but that's it.

A few more tickets are just put on sale for every show.

We looked at the seating chart.

We were able to add 20 tickets per show.

So get tickets right now for that.

And subscribe wherever you're listening or watching.

If you're on YouTube, please subscribe and get trying to get up to 200,000 subscribers by the end of the year.

Whatever you're doing right now, hit that little subscribe button.

May as well.

Why not?

This is a great episode.

Let's get back to it.

Jason, take us to Germany.

Oh, that's the competition.

That's the town.

Okay.

In France.

1991.

Grand Bernard, there it is.

Different place.

1991.

I love an old.

I love an old fucking person.

I'll never forget.

I drop in and I'm thinking I'm fucking shithead now.

Switzerland.

I got fifth in the world.

Yeah.

And I remember Tony Hawk's on the ramp.

I don't know Tony that well.

And I dropped him.

Was he already Tony Hawk?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

And not to the world because there was no video game, but to us,

he was the guy.

Wow.

He was undefeated.

You could not beat him.

And I dropped in, I did a backsider.

It doesn't matter what that is, but I did an aerial near him.

And he goes, Jason Ellis is going to win.

And I thought he said that to fuck with me.

But I think you've just been positive, Tony.

Yeah.

And when I tell him this story, he still laughs.

He's like, you idiot.

Like, I was just like, good for you.

Like, I'm so great when a legit compliment is.

He's mind-fucking me.

Like, because he's worried that I'm going to beat him.

I'm like, he's not worried.

You're an idiot.

Go for your old man.

Oh, man, that's funny.

1991, he was not old.

old.

But I blew my knee out.

And so somebody gave me crutches so that I used crutches and took my hand off the sling to use the crutches.

So then we're in this town drinking.

And there was a bar and there's...

Was he boozing back there?

Fuck no.

No,

he was in a hotel.

He did not know about any of the things that were about to pop off.

Okay.

So we're in this town.

All I know is how it started is there's this dude, Craig Johnson, who was like a real big guy, and he's old school 80s pro.

And that's back when people, it's kind of like the first wrestling guys, like how they did Coke and drank and did the sport.

Now there's like people that stretch and ice things.

Yeah, that's the Tom Shards of the world now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where it's like, oh, you're smart, you're committed.

They're athletes.

These were like guns and roses, but Sabbath drinking it drinking in the third inning.

Full tilt.

And Craig Johnson was the animal of them all.

He had such crazy dreadlocks that he cut a hole out of his helmet and wore no padding in his helmet.

What's his name, Chris Johnson?

Craig Johnson.

So he used the dreadlocks as padding for his helmet and he would roll it up in the back so it would stick out the back of his head real long.

And he's playing

pool in this bar and there's these lamps that are around the wall and he's standing there and the dreadlock caught on fire from the lamp and he puts it out.

Someone's like, Craig, your head's on fire.

He puts it out.

Then that's the treads.

There it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was a monster, dude.

Like, that's his graphic because it was just like a skull.

Because he was like metal, like proper metal guy.

Yeah.

But it catches on fire again, right?

Yeah.

And he freaks out and grabs the lamp out of the wall and yanks it.

And the cord comes out of the wall.

And he starts pulling the cord all the way around the bar.

like pulling the the plaster out just drunk just raging and then they're like you got to get the fuck out of it.

He's like, fuck you.

And then some beers smash.

And then next thing you know, there's a fight and it breaks out and people are punching locals and locals are punching skaters.

And we're out there.

I'm standing because I can't punch anything.

I'm just like, whoa, this is crazy.

And I'm blacked out.

A lot of us are all blacked out already.

Next thing you know, we're out on the street.

And we won't leave.

And

the police are trying to get us to leave.

And we're like, we're not going to fucking leave.

Fuck you.

And then riot police show up.

And I'm like, riot police?

Dude, I'm super drunk, so I don't really know.

At one point, I was chasing a guy that we didn't like in skateboarding.

His name is Ryan Monaghan.

If I ever, Ryan, if I ever, I'm sorry, dude.

But skateboarders were telling me that we had to kill you.

So we were walking around saying, kill Ryan Monaghan.

He's a skitter, too.

Yeah, he had a bad style.

So we were going to kill him for that.

And I had a good style.

This is a bad style.

Yeah, yeah, it's real bad.

That is the worst sad plant ever.

No, it's a good sad plan.

I'm sorry.

That's so the drunk drunk logic is so.

I just want to know it all because you're like, wait, how'd you get to anger from this?

Like,

yeah, because at first when we were sober, we're like, yeah, Ryan Monahan sucks.

But then when we got drunk, we were like, let's kill Ryan Monaghan.

And he didn't deserve to die.

Like, he's a nice guy, as far as I know.

I never really met him.

Yeah.

So I'm on the hunt for Ryan Monaghan.

And then I come back out onto the street and we're barricaded by riot police with the shields.

They're all there to take you guys.

Yeah.

This is a small quaint

town.

There's like castles and stuff.

Right near Geneva.

It's we are fucking assholes.

We're the worst people in the world and it's all Americans and everyone's just like you're an American basically because I'm with the pros and I'm this is where you had a fucking riot this fucking quaint ass town.

Yep.

Yep.

We did yeah.

I don't think they ever had us back for some weird reason.

I mean, they don't even have black people.

They're not used to it.

I didn't see one.

Maybe we brought one, but that's about it.

There might not have even been one with us.

We were all pretty racist at the time, too.

Not racist, but you know what I mean?

Like skateboarding.

Black Verde skaters, there was like three.

Yeah.

So

I remember at one point, these riot police are like, we're like, these guys are full of shit.

And I did the fucking,

you know, here's my dick and

here's my ass, like, slapping.

Everyone's like, yeah, see what I mean?

And I remember crutching out like towards them.

People were like, woohoo.

Because, you know, you're getting in within.

And they have all their sticks and shit.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Everything.

So we just talking shit, thinking it's no big deal.

What a dumb fuck.

And then at one point, the mayor of the town, they get a police van and they put a speaker on the police van.

And the mayor of the city gets up on the van and has a microphone and speaks English and says, if you don't all go back to your rooms right now, you will all be arrested and put in jail for a minimum of three days.

And we were all leaving the next day.

And this dude, I think I can say his name because it's been a long time.

He ended up being a police officer, I believe.

But it's a skateboarder named George Watanabe.

Oh, George.

George got on top of the van, pushed the mayor out of the way, grabbed the microphone, and said, let's fucking trash this place.

Let's fucking go wild.

And we were like, yeah.

And we all started.

rioting.

You know what I mean?

Like ripping the stores apart and going bananas.

Then

tear gas bombs.

No.

Yeah.

These dudes are ready for a variety.

They've been training and have no chance to do it.

They must have been pumped because we were dumb and drunk and foreign.

Yeah.

Like nobody's, this is, nobody's father here has got to call.

I see the thing go dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.

And I'm like, cool.

The tear gas?

Yeah.

And I'm like, whoa, what's that like?

And then I see people start put t-shirts over their face.

And I'm like, oh, shit, okay.

So I put the t-shirt over my face and I'm like, what are we doing now?

You know?

And then they start moving in with those shields together side by side, you know,

getting closer to us.

And I'm like, oh, shit.

Like, they're going to, when they get to me, they're going to beat me.

Yeah.

So I'm standing there.

I mean, at this point, I'm kind of on their side.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I'm friends with you, but I'm like, yeah, this dick had to be dealt with.

We're fucking assholes.

There was not one part of it where we were cool.

There was a breakdancing war that happened right before that where there was some French rappers and then Sluggo is Canadian.

He was the Canadian breakdance champion before he was a pro skateboarder.

And these guys are doing their little backspins and shit.

And then Sluggo gets in and starts doing helicopters and fucks these French people up.

They're fucking French people.

And we're like, yeah, that's what you get, Frenchie.

And then one of the French guys stuck his leg in there while Sluggo was doing the helicopter.

And we all just piled these guys.

I went to run to beat him up.

And they disappeared before I got there.

I was like, oh, he's taken care of.

That seems like that's against code for breakdancers.

Right?

That's like that's the one thing that the French did that day that was in

everything else, we were in the wrong.

So, anyway, there's tear gas fucking going off everywhere.

Get served.

Just get served.

You can't.

Stop serving.

It was so bad.

What did the tear gas feel like?

Well, I was so wasted that I was waiting for it to kick in, but I had the thing over my face.

But as as the clouds start to like smoke up everywhere, a car comes raging through the crowd, like some piece of shit old car.

And people are like, look out, look out.

And a car comes riding by.

And I'm like, fuck that, because I can't run.

I can't walk.

So I just lean over and grab the back of the car and let go of my crutches and get dragged off down the street on my knees.

And I don't, I don't know.

I'm like, what?

I thought it was was a mastermind plan.

Well, you told me this, I assumed you meant I held on on my board to the back of a car.

No.

Got out of there.

No, I had no skateboard.

No, I'm just dragged

on my body.

This is what you got to show me.

Yeah, I've got.

I got Bryce Knight.

So this is the craziest thing.

Bryce Kinites is a legendary pro skateboarder who's also who's also became a photographer and is like one of the more famous photographers.

Is that a normal thing?

Is that a transition from?

Yeah, because what else are you going to do?

You're there anyway and you're like, I'm done for the day.

Let me grab some of these.

Yeah, well, well, the other thing is, like, he takes the photos.

That's what's that's it.

Let me see that again.

Look how happy you look on stage.

That's great, bro.

I was having that's Buffalo last night.

Oh, Buffalo Helium.

Okay.

But here.

So this is what, but this was this was in Germany?

No, this was.

Where was the first one?

Where the fuck is it?

You had it.

That's me on the balcony pissing on people.

Look at this sweet.

Look at my fucking sweet hair wow how jealous are you of that guy fuck you

i'm in your boat the craziest thing about this is i'm on the back of this car in a riot

and then somebody tells me like i don't even know maybe a year later like bryce is like i got a photo of that and i'm like because nobody believed me People were like, there's no way you fucking did that.

And I'm like, yeah, that's fair enough, you know?

Like, I could maybe.

So that, the the guy next to me,

the guy next to me is Lee Ralph, who is also a legendary skateboarder.

You're just being dragged out.

Which one are you?

The guy with the flannel on.

Nice flannel, by the way.

It was 91, man.

It was before fucking Grunge, so I was ahead of the game.

Oh.

Well, actually, no, it was actually right in the middle of Grunge.

Right when they were about to hit, yeah.

I'm a dickhead.

I'm basically a skateboard Ellison Chase.

You know what I mean?

Wait, so who's driving?

I don't know.

I have no idea.

The car just came by, and I was like, This is my way out.

Just some revolutionary?

Look at this car.

What car is that?

Is that a Nissan?

I don't think so, dude.

It's a fucking Yaskindugan is what it is.

It might be a Dotson.

Anyway, yeah.

Wow.

So I'm holding on.

You can't see that I've got like my hand all wrapped up.

Yeah.

But I'm holding on and we make it out, dude.

Like, this gets past the riot police.

And I get out of the...

Like, people are going to get arrested.

And I'm on crutches.

And I make it out.

Like, everyone else is running, they're fucked.

I'm arrested and shit, fuck it.

I'm getting dragged, and the guy next to me is Lee Ralph, and he's like, Alice, Alice, and I'm so wasted.

I don't even know someone's with me.

And I look over, and I'm like, oh shit, Lee Ralph.

And he's like, he goes, fuck it, fuck yeah.

And I go, I go, fuck yeah.

And I throw up the horns at him.

And the hand that's holding on is the one that's got no fingers.

Yeah.

So as soon as I go like that, this hand snaps off and I do the scorpion skid where you fucking feet over.

They just skid along this way like that.

But I made it past the riot police.

Hey, everybody.

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Now let's get back to the episode.

Like, so when I got dropped off by my face on the road, I get up and I'm out.

Is this guy on the car?

Yeah.

Yeah, because people.

Oh, that other guy's driving.

It's the other side of the road.

Yeah, people, yeah, indeed.

People.

When I did it, people were like, I didn't realize it, but when I got dragged, people were like, this is our way out.

Dragging is the way out.

We need this guy during the Holocaust.

We need his fucking daughter during the Holocaust.

We have a lot more fucking live Jews.

We'll save three people at least.

At least.

But yeah,

I got my ass out of there somehow.

Wow.

And not arrested.

Then what did you do after that?

I don't remember.

You just like, all right.

I think I stumbled into a hotel room.

I mean, aren't you dragging your knees on the ground?

It's just crazy.

Yeah.

Well, dude, when you're in a skateboard, back then I could take a lot of pain.

Right.

I could still take a lot of pain, but back back then, especially that drunk, I didn't feel anything.

Like, I was in the content.

The picture is so fucking cool.

I thought it was a dollar.

Look at the drew one.

I was like, is that money?

No.

I'm so disappointed.

I love that Lee Ralph's ass is hanging out.

Here's what else I noticed.

Fucking, he's got the things for his back.

Snowboard back.

Oh, no, it was before snowboarding.

No, not that.

Oh, yeah, it's ski for sure.

No, this for his back in the car.

That's the passenger seat.

Oh, the massage thing?

It is the beats.

Who does that?

i don't care what year it is you're a fucking idiot yeah wow but like we're dragging that car down like look at the weight of it oh my god i mean we're both 200 pounds so

it's and you got out of the next day yeah yeah i didn't i didn't see any authorities or anything it's scut-free

completely got out of pre-internet days where they can't just be like oh we've recorded you we're just gonna yeah nowhere near it dude when this photo appeared when i saw this photo i was like who's that and then bryce kinites was like i got photos of you dude.

And I'm like,

how did you get the photo?

Like,

oh, my God, dude.

Wait, that's my balls.

Oh, my God.

I've never seen this in my life.

He sent it to me right now.

I've never seen this.

He just took the pictures?

I guess.

Yeah, if he sent it to me, that's who took it, dude.

Look how angry it is.

Is those airwalks?

Yeah, that was sponsored by Airwalk, man.

Nice.

Look at these guys up here fucking loving it.

Like, what the fuck is this, dude?

I think that was when I was looking for Ryan Monaghan.

Ryan!

Ryan!

Come look at me, balls!

Kill Monaghan!

And then, yeah, I was probably going to show him my dick.

I didn't know I was going to get it.

Oh, it's like your own little Mardi Gras.

Yeah.

These are all skaters and skate fans?

Yeah,

they're either all pro skaters or French fans of pro skaters.

And that's it.

And that's like, this is before the

riot started.

You know what's awesome about this picture?

That I'm just...

991, you're saying?

No, it's 91, yeah.

No one's taping you.

No, they're just enjoying the moment.

Yeah, no phones.

No.

They're like, look at that guy.

This guy's drinking like two.

You made me imagine, like, blacked out, pulling my dick out.

Like, how many people are like, dude, look at this video.

Like, it probably would have helped.

I would have been like, wow, I really need to clean my shit up.

But nobody.

It's not for 30 years.

Nobody ever said anything about it for decades.

Wow.

But I can't believe, like, I asked Bryce Knights for it two yesterday.

And he had it.

He was like, sure, I can get that.

He got it for me in 24 hours.

Wow.

So shout out to Bryce.

You're pissing on all these guys?

I think so.

Look at this guy's about to get in his fucking mouth.

Yeah, I didn't care.

I did not care.

Man, skate and punk go so well together.

We really, it was like, I remember at the Germany contest, Craig, Craig and this other dude, Steve Schneer.

I think Steve's is dead.

But they had a cooler at the contest and they were drinking beer before the contest.

They were drinking beer before?

Before.

And even then, even me, I remember going,

those guys are real men, you know?

They're not pussies.

You think they have your run on here?

Is this it?

No.

Yeah, my contest ride, not from France, because that was not a good show.

Monster, yeah, my ride's been, people have shown me some of it before.

Yeah, I did really well.

I was one of the only people that could do a tarot grave.

This is the level Tony was at.

Tony could do all different kinds of 540s.

And myself.

Oh, this is Amsterdam.

Oh, it's not it.

No.

That's you, though.

Yeah,

you know, that demo, I was fucking huge crowd, and I see a guy in the crowd smoking a bong, and I'm like...

Doing a bong rip in the crowd is awesome.

And I was like, yeah, dude.

And he goes, Alice, mate.

And I'm like, wait, you're Australian?

He's like, fuck yeah, mate.

The only person in the crowd in Amsterdam who's Australian is doing a bong rip

in the crowd.

And I was like, that's us, man.

That's us.

Damn.

Wait, I want this load of fucking annoying internet.

Damn.

What did you do while you were there in France?

Anything or just skate and fucking drink?

I didn't, for the first maybe 10 years of me traveling to different countries,

I would just go to the ramp and just get wasted.

The first four times, the first three times I went to France, someone was like, We're going to see the Eiffel Tower, and I was like, Pussies.

And then I went to McDonald's instead.

And then on the fourth time, I was like, I'll go see it.

I mean, the Eiffel Tower, too, is like, whatever.

You should really go, though.

I just didn't care.

Yeah.

Like, I didn't, I just wanted to skate, man.

Or get wasted.

That's it.

Or bang chicks.

In Amsterdam, it was go to the to the red light district and get hookers

obviously or go to the smoke shop to get all the weed because that was before you could do it like you can do it here dude i've had two people maybe three actually go on and talk about amsterdam it's all the same shit it's all like i got weed and it's like that's boring now we can get it we're embarrassing Americans are didn't they stop it because we vomited so much I probably here's interesting though Australians I have this like I'm trying to write this essay about best and worst travelers by country.

Yeah, Australians are on both lists.

I agree.

Yeah, they will get the party started.

Yep.

No matter what, at a hostel, it's like everyone's kind of like, and Australians like buckets.

Buckets is like the anti-kryptonite for them.

It's a superpower.

And it's like they can find blow when there is none.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because like the Jews, they can make it snow.

You know why?

Because we're not scared to ask or go somewhere scary to get it.

Yeah.

Oh, right.

I've had a knife held to my neck a couple of times because I'm like, I'll go down there and get it.

You know, they're like, they only got crack.

They ain't got coke.

And I'm like, that'll do.

That's how I first smelled crack because it was like they didn't have any Coke.

Yeah, but you guys are always the ones barfing in gardens and front yards and like, and like, and like, just really get blowjobs and some like right near a temple.

Yeah.

Yep.

Well, I wouldn't have known it was a temple or I didn't do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right.

It's not on purpose.

It's just like a lack of.

Whenever she wanted to suck it at, yeah, wherever she wanted to suck it is a deal.

Damn.

Where are you from in Australia?

Melbourne.

Okay.

I haven't been back for like 12 years.

No, really?

Man.

I just did the Great Ocean Road from Melbourne to Adelaide.

What's it like doing stand-up in Australia?

It's the best.

Have you not?

How would have I?

Right.

I've been doing stand-up for five years.

I haven't been to Australia for 12.

They're the best crowds.

Really?

They're not dumb.

I mean, they love American humor.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Because they get all our movies, all our music, and everything.

You know how it is.

They don't live in the shadow of us, but they love our stuff.

Yeah.

You know?

Fuck.

I'm going to get a gig there, man.

Oh, for sure.

Melbourne's a great town.

Comics Lounge is one of the best clubs in the world.

To me, the greatest thing that could happen to me in comedy, except for as of yesterday where I was on fucking stage with Davattelle at the fucking cellar, and I was like, this is not a real fucking day.

Yeah.

Would be doing comedy in my hometown.

You got to talk to Dan at the Comics Launch.

I'll hook you up with him.

I'll email him with you.

Yeah, I mean, they would love you.

Yeah, I would, dude.

At least for a night, you know?

Yeah, I would.

It's great.

Yeah, they're all down.

They're smart enough, especially Melbourne or Sydney.

They're smart enough to get every joke, but they're also don't give a fuck.

People say it's woke now, but it ain't.

It's just woke for degenerate pieces of shit.

That's impossible.

Yeah.

Because they try to kill the bogan.

You know what a bogan is?

Yeah, Brizzy's a little dumber.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, they're more bogans.

Yeah, for sure.

It's something about being closer to the bush.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe they haven't shaken it yet.

No,

no, the laws have changed.

Because I get told now in Melbourne, there's the radars.

So if you speed anywhere on the road, you get a fucking ticket in the mail for speeding.

And if you're a bogan, if you don't speed, you're not a bogan.

Yeah, right.

Like, if you're driving home, you're speeding.

There's no other, there's no speed.

You do burnouts.

What are you going to do?

Hit a kangaroo?

Yes.

Yeah.

That's what rhubars are for.

What is that?

A bull bar for kangaroos.

Rhubarb.

Oh, really?

Yeah, the big metal thing on the front of your car for smashing into piece.

Yeah, dude, you got to go back.

It's great.

Perth also rules, but like.

This is Mike Frazier.

This is not me.

Oh, shit.

He's real good.

Oh, Mike Frazier.

Oh, I went on to the next thing.

You got to send me that video of you in Münster first.

Munsters.

And then this run.

Do you have this run in Paris?

No, this is Amsterdam.

No, I mean, do you have this run from Paris that you did there?

No, No, I've never.

How'd you do in the competition there?

Terrible.

Yeah, yeah, because I because I did really well and then got obliterated and then showed up with one hand.

Yeah.

So I could only do tricks using my front hand and

I had won.

I'd won.

Like, I didn't have...

I was like, I'm here to prove myself.

I paid for my own airfare to go to Germany to prove that I am one of you.

And it was going to be Germany, then France.

Yeah, and then I proved it.

And then by the time I was in France, I i was like i i think i'd already i'm half retired from making it so dude i beat everybody the only people that beat me are like tony hawk steve caballero damn i'm like the legends beat me and then i was the first of the new blood normal guys in the placing of it like everybody that beat me was an old legend was like started skating i looked up to all the people that beat me so like i was chris miller like people that beat me where I was like, yeah, I don't even want to beat them.

They're too legendary.

But everybody under me was the new blood.

I get it.

Once you got that thing done, remember, you know, Eddie Bravo?

Yeah, fuck you.

So, when he beat Gracie in competition, and people are like, wow, he's great.

How much did he win for that tournament?

They go, he didn't win the tournament.

He lost his next fight.

Oh, wow.

I didn't even know that.

Same thing.

I assume.

I don't know.

I've talked to Eddie about it, but it's like, I'm done.

I already made my name here.

He did.

Tournament doesn't matter.

But

that is like his, his, like, 10th Planet, because I used to go there, his system became like words to live by.

Like, if you're a 10th Planet black belt, you're a fucking black belt.

Oh, yeah.

It was like, now it's an argument, like, Gracie black belt, 10th Planet.

I'm like, dude, 10th Planet Black Belts are Nahalia.

Because they roll, they change with the times.

That's what I, yeah.

And I think, like, there's Gracie guy.

There's guys that are Gracie Black Belts that have, like, put in the real work.

Yeah.

But then there's guys that, like, because I've rolled with guys that are brown belts, Gracie Brown belts, where I beat the fuck out of them because it's a doctor who's been going there for 15 years.

He's like, okay, and his coach gives him a belt for coming.

Yeah.

You know, like, but what'd you get to with Eddie?

I didn't roll.

I've rolled with Eddie back in the day.

I rolled with Joe Rogan back in the day with Mayhem

at the Hollywood gym back when I first started.

Squad?

Huh?

Bomb squad?

No.

No, only a couple of times.

I was hanging out with Mayhem Miller and some of those guys.

So I was in it a little bit at the start but then when i started having pro fights i went back to 10th planet and got my i got i was

blue belt okay nice but i never that means something i never rolled for a belt like i rolled to fight mma and i'm a boxer so my thing was submission defense like if you go for a submission you're asking for trouble i get i defend submissions and then i get up and then i knock you out that's the plan i remember when keith jardine fought uh chuckled yeah and i talked to him and I talked to his coach, too.

And they were like, we're not even training on the ground because we're not getting Chuck Liddell down.

We're just not.

And if it does go to the ground,

you're already going to beat him.

You don't need to.

He had a sprawler.

And they just worked leg kicks for like four months.

That was

Keith.

He is a good friend of mine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He is like,

my last pro fight, he was in my corner.

No.

Yeah.

I don't think there's anybody that's

that much of a difference between

what you think they are based on looking at them versus who they are.

Nice sweetheart guy, you see him, you're like, let's just cross the street.

It's not worth it.

I sparred Keith Jardine.

It's on YouTube.

He knocked me out.

Really?

But like in a friendly way, you know?

He knocked you out in a friendly way.

Yeah, like I came at him a little bit,

and he was like, oh, really?

And then he put me on my ass.

He's already dropped Jason Ellis?

Yeah.

Yeah, because he's look at him.

He's just fucking with me a little bit.

And then I got him in the corner and I got a little too cocky.

So yeah, I started punching him.

Yeah, and he's like, hey, stop.

He's like, okay.

You're smiling or something like that.

Yeah, I was so pumped because that's the thing.

Like, I've told you today.

I was like, dude, Keith Jardine, drop me.

Like, it's not about winning.

It's about being in the game.

You know, it's like, dude, last, like, the night before, David Tell's like, will you come up here, Jason?

I'm like, and then David Tell would be like, worst guy, ever piece of shit.

What's up, fucking homo?

And I'd be like, David Tell.

You said I was a homo.

Can you believe it?

I had that with Dice once when I was a door guy at the comedy store.

He hates me.

Really?

He puts on an act, though, sometimes.

I got in trouble, dude.

I didn't mean it.

Fucking, it was on the serious show, and they were like, Do you want to have him on?

I was like, Yeah, of course.

And then they go, his kids want to play their music.

And I was like, what?

I'm like, I don't want to have the kids on.

Like, I just want to talk to him.

The most protective father in the world.

Yeah, well, I didn't know that.

So he comes on and he goes, I want to to bring my kids on i was like okay he's like i want to play his new song and i was like okay

and then they played it and it wasn't very good hella guns and i go oh dude i go

i go you guys signed and they go no and i'm like yeah you're not ready yet

and he immediately switched and was like you piece of shit and i was like what he's like you're gonna talk about and i was like dude they're not good and he fucking goes both in a corner neither of you gonna back down from that yeah because he's now he's like talking like he's gonna fight fight me and like i'm from a place where if you talk like that like i don't have i don't back down i'm like fuck you yeah and he's like oh yeah i'm like yeah motherfucker and then it was like this thing where stern played it and it's like i just i didn't early drama i didn't want and he was mad dude and i felt i felt like a dick you know because i was like i he can he has that you know to make you feel like a dick too yeah when it was me it was that i i don't know what it was i had to like light him his time was over so i was in the booth or whatever and And he's like, You fucking.

He just starts screaming at me.

And he's like, You're never going to make it in this tunnel.

You're never was.

He said,

and I'm like, part of me is like, this hurts.

The other part of me's like, this is Andrew Dice Clay.

He's yelling at me.

Yeah, I didn't think it was.

He was such a legend.

He was like, Opening Anthony to the real thing.

You're a piece of shit.

Before you can stand up, too.

What did that come?

Why did Obi and

I'm like, wait, did you think that before you came in here?

But it was not, it wasn't his fault.

It wasn't the kids' fault.

It wasn't my fault.

It was the serious boss that, like him and and dice had already agreed to have these kids in without telling me so you know dude when i had that show like it's my show dude

that was really your show you pushed these guys on me and i'm like dude you're not going to get fake i've never been fake on my show no that show was actually

That show was wild.

I was being honest.

I forgot about it.

That show was wild.

You go in there and I went probably three to five times, whatever it was, but it was like, oh, we're going to have some fun.

There's going to be something

crazy.

The topics of conversations were fucking nuts and no holds barred, but then it was like,

hey, this guy's about to get punched in the face by a midget.

Like, all right, that's great.

You know, it's just like, always something fun.

Didn't you have a quatto thing where someone had to like strap someone on and then like

a quato fight?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we would have we'd have girls audio only, by the way.

It was a baby beyond fight.

Yeah.

Yeah, where we'd have girls strapped a guy's chest and they would beat each other up.

Well, you had have to be there.

Yeah, you had to be there.

So, all right, I guess we covered fucking France then.

Yeah, yeah, there you go.

Wow.

Whoops.

Yeah, great one.

So, here's something I ask everybody.

Yeah.

What's calling you?

Like, what place is calling you right now?

Oh, you know, well,

I was rich and now I'm not.

Yeah.

And before I was not rich, I wanted to go to the Maldives, but then I heard that that place doesn't like gay people.

So then I was like, I want to go to Bora Bora because.

that's less gay yeah less it's yeah they don't mind gay people not that i'm gay but if i was i would like to go somewhere where they didn't hate me maldives is oh it's down there you say maldives am i saying it wrong no you're saying the australian one you've traveled more i think maldives but when i went to myanmar all the brits were like myanmar

so maybe i am saying it right with an accent yeah i mean let's go with that yeah let's go with that but i don't want to go there anymore i want to go to bora bora okay let's see that what do you want why why there because i'm not that is it's synonymous with exactly.

I want to live on an island, dude.

I went to French Polynesia.

You know what the greatest place is?

I went to Tavarua.

You ever heard of that?

Wait, Tavaru?

Tavarua.

No, where's that?

It's this little island in Indonesia where the Nixon team, like a watch company, I've still got the watches, nixonnow.com.

If anybody's aware of the watches, Tavarua, Fiji.

Yeah, it's shaped like a love heart.

Oh, yeah.

And it's like the size of a football oval, and there's got crazy surf on the side of it.

Oh, damn, it's a tiny island off Fiji.

Yeah, you get a boat to it.

I go there, dude.

I won't say the surface name.

I mean, talk about nowhere.

Yeah, I won't say the surfer's name because he died.

A pro-surfer got really blacked out there and threatened to kill people on the island.

And this is when I was a pro fighter.

I was married to my kid's mother.

And they come and tell me, hey.

This is my and my wife at the time hated that like she would not let me be in a violent situation.

But they all come to me and I'm sober at the time and they go, hey, so-and-so is trying to kill people on the island.

We need you to beat him up.

And I'm like, beat him up?

And they're like, there's no other, like, you've got to subdue him.

And I'm like, I'm not.

Fucking hoist Gracie, dude.

Like, yeah, I've got some fights under my belt, but I'm not like, who do you need me to kill?

Like, I'm not a trained assassin.

Yeah.

And I'm like, okay, and I can see my friend who's the team manager, he wants to kill him the most, and he's a friend of mine.

So I go, okay, where is he?

And my wife at the time, this is

the thing that triggered it.

She goes, hey, I know I would never say this, but

I'm giving you permission.

Like, you have to get this guy.

And I was like, okay, this is crazy.

She's telling me to get this guy.

So I go to get him.

He comes walking down the beach with a beer in his hand, holding it in a way where...

He's going to use it.

Yeah.

And he's like, the fuck you going to do, motherfucker?

And I was like, hey, man, like, you're scaring everybody on the island.

You got to calm down.

Hey, man.

You're putting your wife on.

I'm trying to be cool.

I'm trying to be cool.

Hey, man.

Nobody wants this.

Hey, dude, relax, man.

It's all chill, dude.

So he swings it at me, and I go under it, and then I grab him from behind, and I choke him out.

You're already training?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd had one profile.

So I put him in the sand and I choke him out.

And as soon as he wakes up, he tries to bite my hands.

No.

So

I choke him out again, but not out.

I choke him so he knows he's choking because he's too drunk or whatever he's on

to realize he's he's just like as soon as he wakes up he's trying to eat my fingers so I choke him again and I dug a little hole in front of him so he wouldn't eat sand yeah and I'm like stop dude like stop and I finally get him to like freak out enough to stop and then I have to hold his head while a doctor gives him uh Xanax or some

kind of tranquilizer and and the guy finally eats it starts to calm down and then I walk him back to his cabin and put him to bed.

And then when he wakes up in the morning, he's like, I'm going to kill that red dragon guy.

So now we have to get put on the boat.

Bro, you had your chance and didn't.

But he didn't.

The worst thing about it was like, nobody, everyone was like, dude, we're going to have to put you on a separate boat.

I'm like, you told me to do this.

I put him on a separate boat.

Yeah, but because he was like a big shot, they had to put me on the separate boat.

But I slightly regretted that too.

What?

I just don't.

I don't, I don't.

Here's a difference.

There's fighters that like hurting people.

I'm not that guy.

Like, I'm, I like violence, but only friendly violence.

Yeah.

Like, I'll, if we're, like, Keith Jardine punched me in the face and he kind of knocked me out.

It was awesome.

If Keith Jardine was sincerely mad at me and did that, that would have been traumatic.

Right.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, I'm not a violent guy.

Like, if we're like, if somebody's harassing, like, I'll jump in.

Like, if some big guy's trying to beat up a little guy, I'll jump in.

Right.

Because I don't want to see people be bullied.

But if it's like, hey, Ellis, you're a fucking bitch.

I'm like, yeah, maybe.

Like, I don't, I'm not, I don't care.

Like, I don't, I'm not, dude.

We're not doing it.

We're not, I'm not fucking the stupid ad on the street.

I'm not a tough guy.

I'm just a, I'm an athlete.

Yeah, it's a weird thing when people try to prove.

It's like this, I like hot sauce.

I like hot, spicy things.

Yeah.

Be like, drink this bottle of Tabasco then.

And I'm like, dude, I'm not, it's not a contest.

Right, yeah, I'm not.

I'm trying to like spice up my food.

Yeah, this ain't jackass one.

Yeah, I just want spicy stuff.

Exactly.

I'm not proving anything to you.

I just like to fight for it's a professional same thing with me man like i've never that's why i was never very when i fought it was always i always got beat up at the start because i was like you know good luck man you know i mean i'd be like good luck to my opponent

and he'd be like really trying to kill me and i'd be like oh we're having a real fight it's like duh yeah dude you got to go to borabora right

It's got to be expensive.

You're trying to do something cheap.

As soon as my comedy career blows up, Aria, that's my first thing.

I'm going to go to Borabora.

And then when I go to Borabora, I'm going to post photos.

photos, and then everyone's going to hate me and stop coming to my shows because they think that I'm a stuck-up, rich celebrity.

Look at this.

I've noticed that happens to you guys.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, dude.

No, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

If you're trying to be a comic, there's no more you guys.

It's us.

They can't be doing that you guys shit.

You could have five years ago.

Feels so good.

This is a lot of stuck-up comics, huh?

But I just see it as, because it happened to me in radio where it's like, he's an underdog.

Yeah.

You know, I'm going to make it.

I'm going to be the next Howard Stern.

And then I started getting paid millions of dollars for doing it.

And then I'd hear seeing the thing

fucking stuck up, fucking,

oh, why don't you go hang out with Slash again, you fucking.

And I'm like, wait, I don't know.

You're telling me if Slash got your number and he hit you up, you wouldn't fucking say, hey, what's up, Slash?

Yeah.

Like, fuck you, man.

Slash knows me.

Suck my dick.

Yeah, it's that hard one where it's like, do you hang out with celebrities?

Because it is cool.

Right.

If fucking Joe Montana wants to hang, you're like, okay.

Yeah.

You're not going to be like, no, there's your friends over here.

I'm like, I saw him yesterday.

I'll see him tomorrow.

I want to hang with Joe Montana.

What a weird reference.

Yeah.

So I just noticed that lately with us is when somebody makes it and,

you know, I'm out on, you know, because they got some of some of us are making a lot of money.

Yeah.

And then I see that, you know, fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You follow him because you love him, because he's fucking funny.

And now that he makes money, he's not you anymore.

Like,

What happens to me is people start going, like, oh, you're all you millionaires do this.

I'm like, oh, no, no, no.

I show you my bank account.

I would like to be what you're saying.

But just because my friends are that doesn't mean I'm that.

They give me free meals, but that's a different thing.

So you're, you're still cool, right?

I'm still cool.

Dude, I was doing these yoga, like fake yoga, but real, but I've been doing badly online.

Just teaching online.

Like, I'm like, I can't get to a straight T here, but you get what I'm going for.

But I would want to do one that my friend was on a private jet, and I was like, oh, let's do one on our private jet.

That'll be cool.

Yeah.

And he goes, no, no, I can't have my fans know I'm, I take these.

Yeah.

I'm like, that's the right attitude.

It is.

Instead of bragging about it, making people feel bad.

Dude, I got to fucking, I moved into a new house because I have to downsize.

I can't afford to live where I live.

And I found a place I've been looking for six months that has a really nice pool and it's way cheaper because it's way further away from the city.

Okay.

I don't want to post it.

No, you can't.

Because I feel like people are like, I thought you said you were downsizing.

And they're going to be like, you're fucking, you're still rich.

And I'm like, I'm not.

You know, my buddies talk about it.

They're like, no, it's cool.

You're on a private jet.

I'm like, that's right.

It's cool for you.

Don't show that to someone who's making 38 grand a year.

They don't want to see that.

It's just weird that most of us can't, because I've worn a lot of shoes.

You broke into a house with a nice pool.

Post away.

You know?

Then you're badass.

Then you'd be a badass.

Everyone will come to your show.

It's a weird thing that people can't understand what it's like to wear someone else's shoes.

Yeah, yeah I've been broke I've been rich I've been broke and rich like like a fucking roller coaster So I really know I've been gay.

I've been straight.

I've been tough.

I've been a pussy.

So I've been all these things So I understand when someone makes it I don't feel this like ill will towards them for having a car that I've always wanted.

You know like if you get a Lamborghini, I go oh

Is it cool?

What's it like?

You know, I don't go, fuck bitch.

Like it is weird.

It's a natural thing to start to hate someone for just getting something you would have also taken.

That's the thing.

Like, if Slash starts DMing anybody that is watching this,

are you going to tell him to fuck off because he's a fucking huge rock star?

Yeah, try.

Hey, Slash, you want to make this podcast?

Try me.

I won't accept you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, it's just bullshit, man.

Like, anybody that

gets the offer, like,

you're a carpenter, you don't make that much money.

What if someone paid you a million dollars to be a carpenter?

Would you accept it or would you say no?

Because millions of dollars is for pussies.

Yeah, no, you take it.

Yeah.

And then, guess what?

You'd probably go to Bora Bora for a vacation.

Dude, you can't afford Bora Bora.

I know.

Not this Ellis.

I know.

Yeah, that might be just a thing that I look at on Instagram.

I mean, maybe if it's a stopover on the way to somewhere else.

How's that work?

I don't know.

When would you fucking stop over at Bora Bora on your way to where?

Fucking Detroit.

Borabora, yeah.

You know, because that's where I'm going.

You You don't have to go to like, you have to go to Australia.

Right, which is still.

Yeah, yeah, fuck it.

Going to Australia is a possibility down the road.

Dude, you'd hate to go to Australia.

What a homecoming it would be, too.

What a cool homecoming it would be.

It would be such a...

You can find out where your draw is and then do rooms based on that.

If you want to just do Melbourne, just say you did it, that'd be cool.

The common sound is what I would suggest.

But then, like,

you could do like any level of Cedars in Brisbane and in Sydney and whatever.

It would be insane.

Yeah.

It would be so insane.

I mean, that's triggering, though.

Everybody there is drinking.

I mean, it's not to me.

It's not drinking wine, bro.

Okay, then you're great.

Dude, I'm at the comedy store all the time.

Everybody smokes weed constantly around me.

I do the riffraff every fucking third Saturday.

There isn't one person who isn't a part of the riffraff who isn't vaping weed or smoking weed or offering shrooms the whole time.

I'm happy for everybody.

I just don't care, dude.

And it's not not like I didn't get a good run, you know?

Yeah.

Like, I know what the outcome is.

The same with fucking whores.

Like, everyone, if you're like, you know what it's going to be?

Yeah.

Like, if someone is in my DMs going, hey, baby, I'm like, I've fucked you.

Not you exactly, but I've fucked somebody just like you.

I know what it's like to wake up next to you, and I'm over it.

Dude, Nick, you know, Nick Youssef?

I don't know him, but I know who he is.

Okay, so he got, he got, what's the word for sober for sex?

Celibate?

Yeah.

Stop smoking weed, everybody.

This guy does it.

This guy does.

What complex word are you refer looking for?

It's like I'm trying to learn English as I go.

It's the same way I would do it in Spanish.

But anyway.

But he goes, yeah, I just know how this is going to happen.

And he fucked a lot.

But he was like, I just know how this is going to go.

It's one of three ways.

Either you're going to come back, we're going to fuck, you're going to leave.

Come back, fuck, stay too long, it's going to be annoying.

Come back, try to get you to fuck until 7 a.m.

And then do or don't.

And then I'll be tired the next day.

He goes, I'd rather just wake up and go for a hike.

Dude, that's what I did.

The game is over.

I ended it.

Because when I quit all the stuff, the last thing to quit was fucking.

But it took a long time for me to realize that that was another thing that I used to run.

Because when I got completely sober, I was like, I'm living, I'm divorced, I live in a house by myself.

I can still fuck everybody.

And I was like, I'm not doing this.

I'm not doing that.

I'm not doing a certain kind of person.

And then I was like, you know what?

Even the people that you know that are like, yeah, man, we're fuck buddies.

No big deal.

I have to stop that too.

And when I stopped that,

here's what I thought.

This is going to be weird to you, but like, feel like god told me sorry yeah not jesus but a god a higher power told me if if you stop

everybody the person that you want is gonna show up quicker sounds like jesus

you think he would say that yeah it's in those words because he's speaking to you you know what it'd be smart for jesus to not show who he was Because if I heard it from Jesus, I'd be like, nah, I'm just going to keep fucking.

But some dude who looks like that guy you showed him before with the long hair.

I'd picture it as like a lady that has like snake hair, snake hair.

Alanis Morrisett.

Yeah, pretty much.

You know, she tried.

No.

Is that Alanis?

No, no.

Who's the lesbian lady?

Did you say Alanis Morrisett tried to fuck you?

No, I've met her, though.

That's cool.

So I'm not

in broad.

People are going to hate me for that, but no.

Melissa, no.

Yeah.

Oh, the one that's a Dodger fan.

Who's the lesbian folks saying?

No, country singer.

Melissa Ethage?

Yeah.

She came on my show.

One for the weed.

Wait, what?

I could remember, and you couldn't.

Oh, yeah,

nice.

but she she was like uh wanted to be my friend she came on my show and wanted to be my friend and gave me her number what and i think she thought i was gay and then she realized i wasn't and she was at one point she invited me to dinner and i was like why you know like what is happening and then i think she got wind of like what i really am and was like no deal oh melissa etheridge if you're listening i'm a i'm a real

i fucking munch box and i fucking i got my clit and i rub it and i munch the fucking box and i love to have you you on.

It's a big, nasty, hairy one.

Uh, all right, here's the last question.

Yeah, ask everybody, too.

Forget that, that's great.

Borbor, I believe in your dream, and I want to tell me when you're going to go.

It might be in 15 years, but I believe in that dream for you.

Thanks.

Travel tip, in general, travel tip, or anything.

So, a lot of people go like pack light.

Uh, if you're taking mushrooms, grind them up, put them in granola, um, all sorts of travel tips.

Anything you like,

travel tip would be if you're in a city or you're don't look around like all like awestruck and shit.

Like, because people will prey on you.

Look like a local.

Like, every time I'm in New York, if I was ever in Times Square, nobody asked me for shit because I live here, but I don't.

You don't?

You just walk up there?

Because I don't go.

It's looking up.

That's the sign here.

You look up, that means that's a tourist.

Follow him, rob them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Especially down there.

Yeah, I just go, nah, and I keep it sweet short because my accent's going to give it away, too.

So I'm just like, nah.

And then I walk off.

I don't like eye contact.

I stay tough.

I stay angry because that's like a New York thing, too.

Yes, angry all the time.

No.

Yeah, New Yorkers are nice late April for about a week.

You guys smoke cigarettes a lot.

That's a crazy thing that you guys still do.

Yeah, I just got back into it.

Why?

I'm a...

Dumb fuck.

Oh.

Because I was in Australia.

I was buying pouches.

Australians smoke cigarettes.

Yeah, well, anyway, not all, but especially in the rurals in between Adelaide and Melbourne, for sure.

But it was like, I travel.

It seems cool to roll cigarettes and smoke.

Oh, you roll them?

Yeah.

See, that's almost cool.

It is cool.

I don't know about that.

All cigarettes are cool.

That's

different.

Kids, make sure to do cigarettes.

It will make you more popular.

It does not.

You stink, you won't get laid as much.

You'll get laid far more because you're around chicks who smoke and chicks who smoke are sluts.

You know that as a fact.

Say that one.

You might have won that one i thought for sure i had you in the corner tatted up smoker yeah it's on yeah or she could be a tatted up non-smoker and she's just as hoary just as hoary yeah tap up is if they have sleeves like you that's not a virgin and it's no and it's super fun in bed too oh yeah yeah the more tattoos the more sex they are dude i just saw a video of instagram video of a guy trying to teach his his that chick that look chick with the tattoos and the and the black black shirt whatever how to say no properly it's not real and he goes no okay i'm glad you brought that.

It's not real.

That's not real.

This is a fucking ploy.

It's like a fucking viral bullshit thing.

She's upping it.

Fuck yeah, she is.

Dude, I had my fucking my fight buddies.

Of course, I've seen it.

Nori.

It's it's you know what?

You know what?

When I saw that, I got the same reaction as the fucking kangaroo breakdance bitch.

I was like, no, that's not us.

Say it, say it, say the word.

No.

Damn, he nailed it.

Nah.

It's no.

It's not Nori.

Nobody says that.

Nobody, no.

Nobody ever said that.

Nori.

Dude, somebody called me like a week ago and goes, hey, man, it's Eddie's coach.

And I go, oh, hey, man.

Like, I'm glad Eddie gave you my phone number.

And it's like, I'm here with my wife.

We have a question.

And I'm like, okay.

When you don't want to do something, what do you say?

I'm like, no.

And they're like, come on, man.

Really?

What do you say?

And I'm like, no.

And they're like, you don't go, no?

And I'm like,

okay, I got to help you, dude.

No, we don't do that.

We say no.

There's no no.

And he goes, you don't say nah.

And I'm going to go, okay, that's different.

Do we say nah?

Yeah.

And he goes, no way.

You guys say nah.

And I'm like, you said nah.

And I go, here's how I explain it.

It's different.

Nah, no, Miracles, nah.

Have you ever said yeah?

Yeah.

Have you ever said yes?

Yeah.

So you're saying you have two.

But you guys go, yeah.

Yeah.

We go, yeah.

No, you lilt at the end.

Yeah.

Do not go, yeah.

I go, yeah.

I'm fucking Australian.

I'm saying yeah right now.

Does it go yeah?

You've been gone too long.

You've lost your roots.

Nori.

They say that when I call.

They are.

Yeah.

If you fucking heard yourself, this is the other thing.

If you're a real bogan, you talk out of the side of your fucking mouth and you don't do

f

you mean fucking Thursday, mate.

Not Thursday.

Fursy.

Yeah.

So some guys are North Carolina.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, deep blacks are like, they'll say that TH is an F.

See, I just said, yeah.

Here's one.

Tuna.

They say tuna.

Tuna.

And Tuesday.

Wow.

See you on Tuesday, mate.

I'm like, how do you spell Tuesday?

Dude, I watched it.

Is it a T?

Then why the fuck are you putting a CH on it?

So they do stuff like that, yeah?

Yeah.

I don't like this anymore.

I went to a bar in Willala Luca that was like in the middle of the nowhere, whatever.

And I get in there.

I was like, I'm not afraid of Australia that I have.

Dude, it was.

Willa Luca.

Yeah.

Anywhere that's Aboriginal is deep.

Yeah.

Named after anybody wiped out is a great name.

The Willa Luca Tavern.

And the guy there was like, I said, hey, do you have a room?

And they're like, immediately, like, oh, that's not an accent from around here.

And I was like, yeah, he's one in the back.

Come, come get a drink.

Let's talk.

We don't get travelers like that.

So it's all these fucking real bogans and they're all sitting there drinking and like looking over, like missing teeth and stuff.

He goes, I got a question for you.

I can't do it.

How do you rate Joe Boyden?

And I'm like, because I don't vote.

I don't care.

I'm like, I don't rate him at all.

He's like, all right, free beer for this guy.

How crazy is that the internet has got like people in the bush that know Joe Biden?

Yeah.

It's so sad.

Like, you're so much better off existing on a planet to not know.

Who cares?

He's helping you there.

Which one wins?

Does it make any difference to the fucking beer in your toothless face?

Yeah.

Like, nothing's going to change for you, dude.

Nothing.

Just go shoot a kangaroo.

You should have seen it, dude.

Some girl came in and she was like the hottest girl in the town and she was like a four.

Yeah.

Just smoke show.

Yeah.

And it was like, she was just under 30.

Dude, I grew up

in Melbourne, the footy games, when football, there was a pub.

That's a dinner.

Don't on duns.

Oh my god.

That's scary.

Don't do that again.

Go black and red.

Oh, I want to show you something.

That's like we got San Diego Superchargers.

What do you got a fucking football?

If you pull out Veggie Mod, I'm leaving.

No,

What?

My time.

Pop for a second.

Oh, I've got to talk.

What is this?

Live?

You can't edit it, you lazy fuck?

I don't know.

Pop.

No!

I don't want to talk.

It's going to be a football.

It's going to be a Tim Tam.

It's going to be a Violet Crumble.

Could be a Crunchy Bar.

I would eat that.

I thought I had it.

Is it candy?

No, I went to State of Origin.

Oh, rugby.

Yeah.

I'm from Melbourne.

I'm Aussie Rules.

So you don't care?

Okay, yeah.

I don't give a fuck.

But I did like Mel Meninga When I was super drunk back in the day, I used to do an impression of this dude named Mel Meninga from the All Blacks, the New Zealand rugby team.

And they used to duct tape their ears to their head so they didn't get ripped off.

But Mel Meninga was a star.

And when I was super drunk,

I would just be standing next to me out of nowhere and I'd go.

quick impression Mel Meninga.

And then I'd run off and shoulder block like a post or a fence or a wall or like a

like one time a mailbox.

I was on the street and I'd go, quick impression, Mel Meninga.

And I run over to this mailbox and shoulder block it, but the wooden part of the mailbox was concreted into the ground.

So the mailbox exploded, but the wooden post smacked me in the hip and like fucked me up.

On the post side.

Yeah.

And then

a guy next to me goes, quick impression, Mel Meninga.

And I know that he's running at me to shoulder block my back.

And I'm drunk, but I'm still an athlete.

And I know when he's getting close, and I just do the drop to the ground real flat.

So just his ankles hit my back, and he skids across the ground on his face.

So we get in the train to go to a fucking pub.

I can barely walk.

His whole face is like Freddy Kruber on one side.

And everybody in the train was like, you guys are fucking sketched out.

We had respect on that train.

Dude, I went to a footie game, not this time, the time before.

You go to footy games?

I've been to a couple.

What's your team?

Esnon.

Oh, that was my dad's team.

I'm Richmond.

Nice.

All right.

So yellow stripe instead of the red stripe.

Okay, I went to a Richmond game the first time.

Nice.

Yeah.

The Tigers.

Dude, it was so at halftime.

Yeah.

They do this, you know, they have halftime games here, half-court shots in basketball or whatever.

So they had this thing where you don't have to jump up to catch a fair catch or whatever so you can get a free kick.

So they had just people from the stands and they had a mattress, and somebody's running with the mattress to like hit them to make them lose the thing.

Yeah.

It's a mattress.

So it's kind of fucking fun.

Yeah.

First guy misses it.

Up for the mark, it's called Taylor.

Up for the mark, yes.

Second guy gets hit with the mattress, catches catches it.

Everyone's like, yeah.

Third guy goes up, catch it,

gets knocked out.

Nobody knows.

He's just like, oh, I made the catch.

And the ball just rolls away and he doesn't get up.

Everybody celebrates, right?

Everybody celebrates.

And then they just go, halftime's over.

It was so

fully unconscious.

Yeah, people love unconscious people in a show.

Yeah.

All right, Ellis.

Thanks a lot, man.

Appreciate it.

You got to come back when you're done with Bora Bora.

We'll talk about that.

Yeah, well, I'll never see you again, man.

I want to come back another time anyway to another country.

Brought that rule there.

Thanks, dude.

Appreciate it.

Well, everybody, that is the episode.

Hope you had a good time.

Wow, what a time.

What a punk he was.

What a great punker.

Don't forget to see all of Jason Ellis's tour dates at thejasonellis.com.

Chicago, Nashville, Miami, Ocala, Florida, New Westmin, Westmin,

kind of Vancouver,

Victoria, Canada, Alberta, Denver, Plano, Texas.

Also, check out his podcasts, The Jason Ellis Show.

Adriana Baluchi was just on there.

I've been on there multiple times.

And Hawk vs.

Wolf, which I've also been on.

It's a good episode to start on.

Hawk vs.

Wolf.

We did some travel talk.

Me and Tony Hawk kind of connect on that.

Jason Ellis, too.

Tony eats some, Tony will get diarrhea.

We got to do an episode about Egypt, Tony.

Anyway, that's the episode.

I hope you guys enjoyed it.

Today's episode was produced by your mom's house network, edited by Alan Caffey.

Wherever you're watching or listening, please subscribe right now if you're still watching.

I appreciate you would.

I have merch up on my

site at AriShafir.com.

Grinders, some signed, signed vinyls, unsigned vinyls for much cheaper from Jew.

T-shirts.

I got the Stay Positive shirt, which is a great one.

I got psychedelic playing cards, well, I am the king of mushrooms.

And I got

Go for a Hike shirts and the Ari Cat shirt.

Get them all at ari shafir.com.

Guys,

let me tell you a little about myself and my own skateboard journey.

I am what's known as a poser.

I got into skateboard culture through Bobby Lee.

I dressed as a skateboarder, a poser skateboarder, all through my 20s and 30s.

I wore a multicolored wristband, sometimes a leather wristband.

One time I was at

Las Vegas, wherever the Pirate Show is, and they had a pirate show outside.

Some guy walked by.

Some guy goes, fucking poser.

And I was like, how did you know?

And you ever play it to yourself like there's a lie, but you don't know?

You think they don't know it's a lie.

Like if you have a service animal on a plane and they go, do we see your paperwork?

go this is all very embarrassing i have a a condition and i don't really want to share it with you and i really feel like he's infringing on my privacy i really sell it to myself oh

anyway i did that um

what was that pirates show at in vegas on the strip there's a casino

i forget uh and i was like you don't know because i could have been a skateboarder for all of this but he knew something he knew i was a poser he was not wrong To whoever that guy is, I owe you an apology.

You were right.

I am a poser.

I was co-opting, culturally appropriating skateboard culture.

Toy machine, I had a lot of those shirts.

I can't even do an Ollie.

The best I could ever do is skate down a skate off a curb down onto the street.

And that was high end for me.

When I go to the skate park, I'll just do circles.

I did drop into the vert ramp when I did

Hawk vs.

Wolf.

But when I say drop in, I mean on my butt.

On my butt.

Anyway, guys, that's the episode.

Hope you enjoyed it.

Until next week.

Next week, Emma Willman comes on the episode talking about the Netherlands, not Amsterdam.

The North Netherlands.

Should be a very interesting one.

Emma is a hilarious comment.

You guys will enjoy it.

Please subscribe so you know that's coming.

And that's it.

See you next week.

Bye.

How do you say goodbye in German?

A Videsein.

Could be right.

Bye.

Martha listens to her favorite band all the time.

In the car,

gym,

even sleeping.

So when they finally went on tour, Martha bundled her flight and hotel on Expedia to see them live.

She saved so much, she got a seat close enough to actually see and hear them.

Sort of.

You were made to scream from the front row.

We were made to quietly save you more.

Expedia, made to travel.

Savings vary and subject to availability, light inclusive packages are at all protected.