Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

I love that I started the Not a Damn Chance podcast with just the nastiest story I have.

Part of this idea of this podcast is how you can become successful as living as just a regular human.

If I went to culinary school and I only went for a few months and I dropped out.

Look at that, kids.

You can drop out of culinary school and get two Michelin stars.

I would do what I can do so I could come back and do it all over again.

Not a damn chance.

Not a damn chance.

If you see yourself somewhere, take all the necessary steps to get there.

I just don't know how to quit.

That might be my superpower.

You can all try and stop me.

I hope you do.

Consistency was exactly what life was all about.

Don't be genius here and wild there.

There's a beautiful moment where obstacles become opportunities, messes become messages.

I got shot in the face.

Jail was the best thing that ever happened to me.

And I did put my head in a noose.

You heard 300 people dying.

Nobody can tell me, like, you're breaking the rules, you're doing this wrong.

There's no right or wrong.

Don't care what it takes.

I'm doing this.

We have a phrase for that.

It's called not a damn chance.

And white people, like, you're like a white, you know,

fixture.

Like, people look at you like Hitler.

You know, they're like, we love this guy.

100%.

Gutentak.

Bert, welcome.

Big shout out to Barstool, to Big Cat.

Do they own High Noon?

I think...

Does Barstool own High Noon?

Doesn't Dave own it or no?

I think Dave owns it.

I'm not Barstool.

I got to tell you, Dave.

Dave does.

I wonder

if people...

We're gambling people.

Would you have put your money on Dave Portnoy to succeed when you met him in high school?

I think I'd have to know that guy.

I'm going to say no.

I'm going to say say no.

Probably not.

I'm going to say no.

And I'm going to say the thing, the same about Big Cat.

I'm going to say the same about me and you.

I was going to say, I mean, I think if I met you in high school, I wouldn't be like, yeah, this is going to work out.

I don't even know if it's going to work out now.

Well, hold on.

We got to say thank you, Barstool, for giving us, accommodating us, and letting us do an episode here.

We're both, we've been, we're fucking idiots, dude.

We should have done this yesterday morning, not the day.

Yeah, why didn't we?

Because, I don't know, because I'm dumb.

God.

We did a...

Fucking, I'm so hungover.

We did a bar takeover and we got Fun Tom.

This is the beauty about owning a vodka company with Tom, is Fun Tom shows up every time we do a bar takeover.

Every fucking time.

Every fucking time Tom ends up on stage.

I mean, I just want to tell you how beautiful the women of Chicago are.

We walked into the old Crow smokehouse last night.

In Wrigleyville, yes.

In Wrigleyville.

And a woman behind the bar, in front of the bar, handed me a remote control and said, press the button.

And I went, okay.

And I pressed it and she went, huh.

I said, what?

She goes, I have a vibrator in my vagina

that turns it on.

And I went, let me get my friend real quick.

Yeah.

And then you just handed it to me.

You go, press it.

And I did the same.

I was like, what?

You go, press it.

Didn't I say her?

Ladies, ladies,

that's the move.

I'm telling you right now, you want to own a man's inner dialogue for the rest of the night?

That is the move.

If you are a party fun girl, you do that

and you go to a bar, you're in college, you find a guy, give him the remote and say, I'll see you in like 10 minutes.

And that guy will do nothing but think about you.

I woke up thinking about her.

I woke up.

I'm pretty sure her boyfriend...

Was with her.

Yeah, she had a boyfriend.

Yeah, and he was just like, cool, right?

Like, he was one of those guys.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah.

He might be into watching or something.

It was.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to stop thinking about her.

Yeah.

She owns real estate in my head.

No, it's because when we left there,

you were like, dude, can you believe?

Like, it was.

And I kept thinking.

It's a real...

Here's the thing.

It's a real power fucking move, right?

To be like, hey, she's basically saying, your hand is inside my panties right now.

You know what I mean?

Like, she's like, you're touching me right now is basically what she's doing.

I, all I could think about this morning is how do I convince Leanne?

I was going to say, you got to get one.

No, because I, because I think we've been with each other too long.

I just do it right as the guy goes,

yeah, well, can I get you to drink?

I'd hit it.

She's like,

I'm on Tega.

Hold on.

Cold beer.

Cold beer.

Dude, I wish they had those for guys.

They do.

They do?

Yeah.

No, not, and I don't want.

No, not in your S.

I mean for your dick.

For real?

Yeah.

And you can give her the remote.

I'd be like, just turn it on.

No, no, don't touch it.

She'd be like, wow, that was so sexy.

I'm so glad I got you that.

Sitting here watching you just nut aggressively.

So fucking arousing.

Oh, fuck.

That was one of the worst things I've ever seen.

Because

you acted that so well.

Fuck.

I feel like I just pressed the button and you did it.

Oh, my God.

Are those linen pants?

Yeah, I'm switching to linen.

It's good for summer.

You're like, my asshole sweats.

And so I have an ass sweat stain in my asshole.

So like if I sit down for too long, you just see like a wet mark.

Dude, it's real sexy.

It is.

I've shit so aggressively today.

Oh, I haven't shit yet.

Oh my God.

I have nothing but just violent puree coming out of me.

It is so gnarly.

And I've had like four already.

It's absolutely the most.

And by the way, for as this place is massive

and really impressive here at Chicago Barstool.

I think there's three bathrooms and there's 80 guys.

It's the craziest thing.

I walked into three bathrooms and

three guys were there.

I'm shitting.

I'm like, I have to shit.

And they're like, go to the other one.

Like, okay.

This, I mean,

let's, let's talk for a second about Barstool Chicago.

This is

this is competitive with Rogan's setup, in my opinion.

I don't, I'd argue the facility.

This is better than Rogan's setup.

Well, it's a totally, I mean, very different.

Rogan's one guy, so it's his thumbprint.

It's just him.

Yeah, it's just him.

But like, this is like,

I mean,

high school bird is like going, well, can I quit quit my job and just work for you guys for free?

Oh, my God.

I know.

I would be,

I'm blown away.

They have a basketball court.

They have a golf simulator.

They have a gym.

They have

fucking, by the way, it's like something about the chicks that work here.

They're all pretty and cute.

And they got little sister energy.

And they're like, what's up?

Hey, you want a high noon?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I fucking love this place.

I feel like I fucked my life up.

My studio is like,

it looks like we sell knitting supplies out of it.

There's so many fucking women.

There's so many.

Why do I have so many fucking women working for me?

Why can't you get some more dudes in there?

I fucking can't hold on to dudes.

Really?

Yeah.

I lose dudes quick.

Fucking, I think it's a den of snakes, those women.

Yeah.

They're just all fucking little fucking just

like women, they're mean girls.

They're like, and so when they decide they're going to do something, they do something.

I got to fucking have a coup d'état.

Do it.

I'm going to start sexually harassing them.

I would pivot from that.

Whatever you plan on, you should stream it live.

I would love to watch.

By the way, I

ate shit.

And

someone's got to have the video.

It's got to have video.

You took like a...

Epic spill on the stage last night.

So,

and by the way, it's what woke me.

I set my alarm.

I didn't need my alarm today.

Really?

Because my knee fucking woke me up.

So we're on stage.

We're pretty lit.

I mean,

I'd had an edible.

I don't know how many shots.

I don't know how many drinks.

And we're saying goodnight, basically, and thank you for everyone coming out.

And we're on a stage, and there's a DJ set up there, but the floor is black.

His table's black.

It's not...

What if he was black?

He may have been black.

That might have affected it too.

But the thing is,

dude, he had like a two-foot subwoofer on the ground that, like, you just don't see.

Yeah.

So I walked over this way and just completely

hard.

I thought you blew out your knee.

Well,

I was joking about it.

And then this morning I was like, oh, what if I really did?

Because like it

hurts to put it up like that.

For real?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it kind of sucks.

sucks um i got some cool bruises too you got bruises on you yeah i ate it hard man it was hard oh

and i was i joked with you i was like i tore my acl and you're like wait i go i'm just kidding but i go with me you probably believe it and you're like yeah and then this morning i was like i think i did tear my aclay so mad if i did

and then i got back to my room And I fucking smoked DMT.

I hit the DMT.

What is it with you and DMT these days?

It's the best fucking vape pen I've ever had in my life.

But you disappear.

Dude, I was fully hallucinating last night.

Like out of my mind.

Wait, how did you get a DMT vape pen?

Just cool guy.

Wait, how does I want to know the breakdown of this?

I've been given a few.

You've been smoking DMT more than I think you're supposed to smoke DMT.

Doing DMT is like anal sex.

You're supposed to do it once a year.

Yeah, until you find out it's the only way you come.

And then you go, I'm going to do it all the time.

Yeah.

I kind of want to do DMT.

It's, you know what, here's the thing.

You go on a, first of all, like you can't lift your head up.

You know, like you're kind of paralyzed.

And then, and I like it because I feel like just give up, just life end right now.

And then you go on these crazy, like crazy visual shit happening, right?

You're seeing shapes and colors and all this shit.

And then like a door opens and you go into some life path realization and you're like completely lost in it.

You're in an alternate reality, and you know, you're maybe you're resolving something, or maybe one of your fears is coming up, or maybe you're just like processing something, and then all of a sudden you're like, it's over, and you're like, oh, how long, how much time went by?

15 minutes.

That's it, yeah, sometimes, but then you hit it again, you're like, let's do it again.

Yeah, it's pretty great.

It's crazy.

We, me and you, do drugs and alcohol for different different reasons.

Yeah.

Like, it's, it's so fun to watch you get fucked up because you, you, you, you make a decision.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, I never make the decision.

The decision just shows up.

Right.

It's like, it's like.

It's like lunch for you.

I'm like, I'm like with civil rights in Europe.

They like, yeah, they're black people.

They just let them do whatever they want.

In Europe?

Yeah, in Europe, right?

Isn't that how that worked?

And then you're more like the United States where you're like, all right, now they can use our water fountains.

Right.

Right.

Like, you're, but, like, you made a decision to get fucked up last night.

You're like, you said something.

You said something like, all right, that's it.

It's over.

Something.

I went, oh, well, yeah, because whenever I go to any of these things, I feel like the,

you know, you have like this balance.

Like, are we just at this thing and you have a drink?

Yes.

And then you go.

I don't.

I don't know that balance, but I've heard of it.

So for me, I'll be like, is it just a drink?

And then we're leaving here.

You know, it's like one is fine.

But then like the atmosphere there was so fun.

Everybody was so nice.

And like, it felt like we were actually at a celebration, like at somebody's birthday party or something.

And the music and, you know, our crews together just like hanging out.

So that after I had like a couple, I was like, oh, this is like right now, I'm standing on line.

Like you either are going for it or you, or you stop now.

So I was like, all right, we're in.

Let's go.

You know, it's so funny, Tim Dylan wants to.

And then I drank, by the way, about a gallon and a half of water.

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Oh, you did drink a ton of water.

So much water.

Oh, the fucking bartender last night.

comes up to me and she goes, water bomb.

I said, what?

She goes, water bomb.

It's our trick.

Kill it.

And she just kept handing me like a not a full glass, but just like a little glass of water.

And we kept killing water.

And I was like, nice.

Yeah.

And that's how we stayed hydrated.

Wait, what was I going to say before that?

God damn it.

No, but the, but you, we drank a ton of vodka.

Like we were doing, we were had our heads back on the bar and they were pouring shots in our mouth.

I'm so jealous right now

of you that you found that

I found my girl last night.

Who?

so I gotta I gotta share this and I I I said this last night so every night girls

when we do this girls put their heads back and we pour shots in their mouth yeah I am astounded at how great a dentistry is in America dentistry yeah like it's I'm just amazed at how many sets of perfect teeth I look at perfect teeth now I have a thing I have fucked up mouth I got hit in the mouth with a baseball bat when I was a kid I have like 26 fake teeth,

like posts, and then some are bonded, some are crowns.

My molars are shit.

Like I have a real fucked up mouth.

I often think the day I die, I'll go, well, thank God I didn't have to get dental work, you know?

And so

it's a really cool outlook.

One of the craziest things I have is I have these bumps at the bottom of my mouth.

They're like, I can show them to you, but they're kind of crazy.

And I know I have them, but I, and I kind of, I don't hide them, but I've never seen anyone have them.

I always under your tongue?

Under my tongue.

I'll show you them.

It's kind of creepy, and my mouth is, fucking sucks.

Oh,

what the fuck?

Yeah.

So what are those?

Okay, so I've never known.

I've never known.

They showed up in college is when I first noticed them.

And I had like a bump.

I played with it.

I was like, what the fuck is that?

And I was dipping at the time.

I was like, fuck, it's cancer.

And and then another one showed up I was like god damn it's really cancer and now I have four and I but I've never and I've and I and and my sister wait she has them my my sister my sister has them my sister Coddie has them

yeah and I've gone to dentist and I've asked him about them and he goes yeah some people have them that's it's it's it's just I'm sure it's a condition or whatever but dentists have never said anything and they don't affect anything they don't affect anything but I have these bumps well I have always looked when we pour shots in girls mouths for someone that has my bumps like i've always looked for it last night girl i think it's the girl with the vibrator she puts her mouth back and i see my bumps and i go i gotta say mouth you dude and she immediately knew what i was talking about and we started talking her boyfriend jumped in he's like easy that's my girlfriend i go no no no no no i go you know what i'm talking about and i showed her and she went oh I've never seen that.

And I was like, that's me and you.

We're like fucking, like, what if that's the way?

That's the way we're, we're the Highlanders or the outliers or whatever.

It's so crazy.

I've never seen anyone that had them.

And I'm like, god damn it.

And did she share anything about them?

Or is it just no, it was too loud.

I wanted to talk to her about them and go, like, they're just benign.

They're just fucking bumps.

Do you know?

Do you

have you seen these?

They're crazy.

It's really crazy.

Yeah, it's crazy.

I had no idea that's what you meant.

That's really crazy.

I'm so jealous that you get to nap.

Oh, I'm going to fucking, I'm tying one on.

Are you?

Yeah,

I'm done.

I had a really great, I had a really great run of not drinking.

How long?

Eight days.

Get on the plane for Hawaii.

I have two drinks before takeoff.

Fly, sober.

Land, no booze.

At the hotel, no cocktail.

Sleep, wake up, feel amazing.

Work out.

Amazing.

Comedy is the reason I will be alive is because of comedy.

Do two shows in Hawaii, two nights in Hawaii.

Oh, I didn't know you were doing shows.

Yeah, yeah.

My stand-up sucks.

And it's it's so bad.

I can't even tell you.

Everyone in Hawaii, thank you for coming out.

I really appreciate it.

I'm so sorry.

No, stop.

I mean, I'm just, I'm just, I have nothing.

I have no tentpole story I'm working on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have

usually when I build an hour, there's, I usually have something really great when I'm building it, something really great that I can go, this will, at least I got that.

And then I got two things I'm working on, and I go, at least they'll see that.

They'll know that that was what I was working on.

I don't know.

I'm like, I got

one story that's, I got a couple stories that are okay, but like, when did your special come out?

March, yeah.

And I took, I made a mistake.

I took 11 months off, and I should have never done that.

No, I think you did the right thing.

I think why I'm so far removed from stand-up that, like,

it's taken, it really is the first time in my life where I'm it's taking a minute to get the rust off.

That's fine, though.

That's good.

And the people in Hawaii were awesome.

I opened with a fucking

I opened

with a James Cook

The Women of Hawaii joke.

How'd that land?

Not well.

What's the angle of it?

I wish I was James Cook.

No, I said, you know, one of my favorite stories about James Cook, and everyone's like,

we're not huge fans of that guy.

And I was like,

this isn't going to go over well.

I was like, you know, I mean, it is a funny story.

Yeah.

They pull up to Hawaii, right?

Yeah.

And James Cook's like, I don't know if you west anymore.

Okay.

James Cook's like, well, this is ASMR.

Okay.

James Cook's like, to the guys on his boat, he's like, all right, listen, we all have syphilis and we all have rickets, okay?

So no one, I'm not letting you guys on this fucking island.

And they're like, but we need fruit.

And he's like, okay, fruit and water.

That's it.

I'm going to send two, you fucking people.

I have one rule.

Don't fuck the women.

And they go, what about the fruit?

He goes, okay, two rules.

Bring back fruit.

Don't fuck the women.

Two rules.

That's it.

Two, you go.

You understand me?

Two rules.

And they go, yeah, boss, we got it.

He's like, great.

Sends them in a boat.

They come back in the boat.

And he's like, how did it go?

And they're like, well, you're not going to be happy.

Like, what?

And they're like, we fucked a couple women.

So now they have syphilis.

So we might as well just go fuck them.

That's what I opened with in Hawaii.

And they were like, yeah, we know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was like, fucking shit.

And you're like, that's one of my favorite stories.

I just think it's so funny that like that I just thought when I heard that story, I thought it made me giggle.

They didn't like it and then i i

i by the end of the week you know it's like you get the rust off yourself i opened my first show thursday with that and then by the end of the week i was like i was like fuck james cook and they're like yeah and i was like do you know that you want to know crazy thing about james cook he couldn't swim seriously he couldn't swim he's out navigating navigating the world and apparently that was like a that was a tactic to keep your sailors like you you didn't want sailors who could swim.

Oh, you wanted sailors who couldn't swim because then they really gave a fuck about make no one abandon the boat.

Right.

And so

yeah, they he tried to take someone hostage and then they chased him in the water, bludgeoned him to death, and he couldn't get to the boat.

He couldn't swim to the boat.

That's how he died?

Yeah.

And then I started getting,

I don't know if it's pandering, but there's an island called Nihal.

Do you know that island?

It's privately owned by a white dude.

And he has not let

anyone on that island.

There's like 80 indigenous people, like real Hawaiians.

They sound different, they talk different, and they live on that island.

It's the furthest island west in Hawaii.

And it's just, they bought it for 10 fucking grand back in the day when you could.

Well, I know they're not big fans of Zuck.

He owns a lot of land there.

Zuckerberg, Steve Case.

They all own

Steve Case owns.

Larry Ellison.

Larry Ellison owns

Lanai.

Yeah.

He owns 98% of Lanai.

And by the way, looks like a villain.

I mean, honestly, looks like, you know, when Schultz does his thing with his mustache, it looks like that guy.

Like the,

what's it called?

Iron Man kind of facial hair, it's all based on.

Do you think Schultz knows that he's doing the villain thing when he rolls his mustache like that?

I don't know.

It's probably.

It's like, I always wanted to ask him because

a it is a it is the it is the villain thinking move.

Yeah.

And he does it so much.

I think it's probably unconscious.

It's like if I was just like, anyway, you know what I'm saying.

Like, just it's like, hold your thoughts.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's good.

Maybe I'll start doing this.

You should start doing that.

That would be perfect.

Wait, I have a question.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dude, your opener there, that reminds me of the hardest I ever bombed.

In Hawaii?

No.

Because I was there for one of those.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Tom Segura.

They came from James Cook Rules, okay?

We have two rules, guys.

Number one, do not mention Pearl Harbor.

Number two, do not make fun of the Hawaiians.

Tom goes on stage.

He goes, I got bad news.

He goes, opening joke.

They said island life is slow.

I didn't know they were talking about your metabolisms.

Wow, you guys are fat.

I was like, I got lost walking around Pearl Harbor today.

Lucky I ran into a couple Japanese folks.

They really know

this base, like the back of their hand.

And then I said,

I know that

mahalo has a bunch of different meanings.

Is one of them extra cheese?

You guys are so fat.

Yeah, that was fun.

God, man.

And then

they also were like, and don't curse.

And we were all like, okay.

And then we all just cursed anyway.

It's so crazy.

We're teaching these guys to kill.

Yeah.

Like, ultimately, you go to the military, we're like, yo,

I think the rule was, and correct me if I'm wrong, I am quoting,

they were taught, if it's brown and it moves, kill it.

That was one of the things we heard.

Yeah.

But don't curse in front of it.

Yeah, don't curse.

If it's brown and it moves.

Russell Peters came on late.

Yeah.

He was the closing act.

Yeah, we're like, you're brown and

Tom

leans over to me and he goes,

Russell Peters is closing this out.

And they are taught if it's brown and it moves, kill it.

And Russell Peters is walking way too much on stage.

That was so fun.

Well, the funny thing is,

you make a good point because it's all such a charade, right?

Like, they're like,

don't say anything not nice.

And you're like, for what?

They're like, the Admiral's wife is here you're like so what there's fucking 8 000 people out here like we gotta do a show for her and then everybody and then well then our organizer was like you guys just fucking ruined my life

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest-paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

No, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action, aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

The beauty of having

I'm bummed I didn't make

more friends friends long ago, you know?

Like, like I left all my Tampa friends when I moved to New York.

And I, and when I moved to New York, I have a bunch of New York friends, like, you know, that I started comedy with, but we never really kept in touch the way.

Like, you're probably my closest friend that I've been in touch with, you know, that hasn't drugged me or,

yeah, like,

but like, even like Joe, I've known Joe's long enough where I can, like,

but I've known you longer than I've known Joe.

And the funny thing, the great thing about life is when you're experiencing something and you giggle about something that happened a long time ago and it makes you smile and you go, God, memories.

Like, that's the cool thing about having kids.

When we were at this, we were in Justin, Hawaii, obviously, and

we were stayed at the Four Seasons, which used to be the Ohlani.

I don't remember.

It used to be

a Marriott property.

Tom and I, that's where Leanne and Christina met.

Yeah.

And that's where tom and i did these shows when if you ever did the pearl harbor you stayed there it was it's really nice it's amazing it's got it's got little lagoons yeah that are man-made and they made them in 1977

before

uh the government would be like yo you can't do that right like all the coolest parts of america the government got in the way of like all of coral gables like where it's just like these beautiful canals and everything that was just dudes going like you get dynamite let's just make rivers

This guy, the guy that owned all that property, he still, I think he still owns a piece of that property.

He owned all the west side.

And they were like, you're never going to, or the leeward side of white.

They were like, you're never going to, no one's ever going to build here because it doesn't rain here.

It's dry.

It's bullshit.

You know, there's no waves.

It's the leeward side.

And he was like, eh, I'll see.

He's like, I bet they'd like it if there were lagoons.

Yeah.

And they're like, what are you going to do with that?

And he goes, get some dynamite.

And he just dynamited four lagoons.

And then on the fourth one, they were like, yo, you got to stop.

Like, this is insane.

He's just blowing up terrain.

And he's just making these amazing.

They're gorgeous.

They're so.

Did I ever tell you about when

my dad was a kid?

He told me this story.

Like, just like something that could only happen in a different time.

You have to do a show about your dad.

I know, I know.

You have to do a show about your dad.

Just that.

I didn't mean to, I meant to interrupt.

Yeah.

But no, but just that.

My favorite, out of bad thoughts, my favorite episode, my favorite thing is that the fucking talent show.

Oh, thanks.

But Sarah's got a new special and she talks about her dad a lot.

Yeah.

And it's, there's, man, there's something, especially when you've lost that parent, the reminiscing about that parent.

I watched Sarah's special.

It's so good.

Oh, I want to see it.

But I love hearing stories about your dad.

I love it because it's like,

I don't know.

It's like, keep going.

I don't know.

Well,

he was a kid, and this is in, in, I think it was in Louisville.

And I guess this would have been like probably the late 50s, right?

Like

there's an army post,

and he's a kid.

Him and a couple guys

walk onto the base and they steal dynamite.

And

then they blow up a bridge.

So they set off dynamite and blow up a bridge And then a police officer picks them up and is like,

you can't be doing that.

And then called my dad's dad.

So my grandfather told him.

And my dad was told by his dad, like,

you should not do things like that.

Like, that was like that type of scolding.

And then he was like, I'm sorry, father.

And then I was like, is that all your dad told you?

And he was like, yeah, I go, you fucking blew up a bridge with dynamite?

I missed those days.

yeah, dude.

Um, his dad was well, his dad was in law enforcement, too, so he got like, you know, for real.

Well, my dad, my grandfather was an FBI agent, so he was just like, Oh, we met, we met FBI agent, we met FBI agent.

You met the guy that arrested Jesse Smollett.

That's right, yeah.

I don't know if we should.

I don't care.

All right, that's fine.

He gave us his card.

Hey, wait, wait, wait.

What?

Wait.

When

I asked him, I go, because he handed me the badge, you know?

I was like, okay, how, how cool of a flex is pulling this out?

He's like, it's pretty cool.

I go, no, what's your favorite memory of somebody being like, hey, fuckhead.

And then you go like this.

And they're like, oh, I'm sorry.

And I think he said it was at

a show.

Like, it was something with entertainment.

You know, like he was like, I'm going here.

And some

people were like, you can't go there.

And he just pulled it out.

And they're like, I'm sorry.

And they just move out of the way.

I was like, yeah, like, dude, you got to have like, there's some type of fun of pulling that out.

There's, I, so

Leanne's, Leanne's not, uh,

she's not a city slicker.

No, shit.

Leanne's what they call a rube, right?

Like, if you take her to the big city, she's going to lose the majority of her savings in a shell game.

Yeah.

So, like, and that, That's that's the country in her.

But it shows up on the internet.

So, like, Leanne is the person on the internet that goes, hold on, have you seen this?

And he shows you, and it's clearly

a stage video.

Yeah.

And one of the most staged videos I've seen

is

a cop pulls over a black woman, and he's just fucking

licensed registration.

He's being a dick, right?

And the black woman clearly is like just going like, okay, okay.

But it says, cop pulls over federal judge.

Have you seen this?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then she goes, get out of the car.

And then she's wearing her judge's gown.

Let's just say, as a dude who grew up with a lawyer father who went to court on days he was sick, I would go to court with my dad.

They don't walk home in the court in the judge outfit.

Yeah.

They leave it in the court.

It is something they put on.

They don't fucking,

that's like pulling over a doctor and he pulls out his stethoscope he's like excuse me so sorry what were you saying

and leaning goes you see this they pulled over a federal judge and i was like baby it's not real she goes what do you mean it's not real i go it's not real she goes i'm looking at it and i go no it's staged why would they stage that there's so many stage videos

to outrage you and she goes what he just did it because she's black and i went no baby that's

It's not a real thing.

They know what you're thinking in bed, that you want to see someone misbehave and they get called on his shit.

Yeah.

And in the dialogue, too, because she's like,

you're going to find out.

He's like,

why are you wearing that?

Why are you wearing a judge's outfit?

But you're black.

Yeah.

Hang on, you're black.

You shouldn't be a, hold on, you're a female.

You're black and female.

It's so, and she's like, you're going to be hearing from me.

And you're like, okay.

Yeah.

I mean,

I have to say,

if it's like, we've all been taken by by a really good stage job.

Like, I'm sure, you know, I've

not one, not one on the airplanes.

Not one, what?

No.

So,

I'm a production guy, Tom.

It's my third high noon.

How you like it?

Fucking really good.

They're very tasty.

I don't even feel buzz yet.

I feel like gambling.

It's like what Var Stool is about.

Yeah.

It's fucking brilliant.

This is fucking brilliant.

I hate that they figured this out before me.

Like, I'm fucking stunned that, like, because because like I'm, I mean this with respect.

I hope this comes out with respect, but like

I'm a meathead

and I'm more of a meathead than them.

Right.

Like I'm the ultimate fucking meathead.

White privilege.

I got it all.

I got it all.

They outdid me at my own game.

I didn't even know we were playing the goddamn game.

That's right.

I'm so fucking stunned that like.

Yeah, but you, you know, you still were able to.

I've done good for myself but but like to see what they've done this this facility i i keep going back to that let's go back let's talk you know can i keep going because i i hate that the the internet kind of like it it encapsulates what we all feel yeah it's almost like they're like it's tarot cards like they're going like like they feed you shit they're like hey do you hey do you feel like like black people are a little mouthy and you're like huh and like watch angel rees you're what do you think about that yeah and then you're like what the fuck man she can't even make like i i was talking with fucking fuck fuck facing numb nuts last night pete and pete and kyle yeah at dinner and they're like did you see this is what made me upset okay do you see all her airballs she has angel reese do you see all her airballs all her misses i go guys

Everyone's gonna you could do that for any athlete.

You can just show every time they miss.

Yeah.

Someone just put that together and they go, no, she misses all the time.

I go

No, she doesn't.

Obviously, she's in the WNBA.

She must be pretty good.

Like, she has to sync one or two to be in the WNBA.

I mean, I don't know if that's a rule.

I don't know anything about the WNBA.

Well, like, but, like, they just made a compiled video, compilation video of her misses.

Yeah, you can make a missed video for anybody.

And I go, but I go, I hate that the internet does that because they go,

are you kind of racist?

Yeah.

A little racist.

Is this there?

You know, like black women, right?

Black guys are cool with, but the women, right?

Check this out.

And then they feed it to you.

and then it it serves an inner dialogue yeah you're right you're right it's like it's like honestly this i and here's the thing is i really like caitlin clark

i really like her but i know the way this works it's gonna it's gonna reshift

like the angel reese versus caitlin clark thing is like apollo creed versus fucking rocky it keeps going too and and i want to tell angel reese shut the fuck up stop talking stop talking stop talking don't don't say a fucking word go Marshawn Lynch on them.

Just don't say a fucking word.

Because everything she says, they fucking take and use against her.

And I bought an Angel Reese jersey.

She plays for the Chicago Sky.

I fucking bought a jersey yesterday.

You did?

Yeah, fuck yeah.

I'm not going to wear it, but

it's an XL.

It doesn't fit.

That was a lot.

That was a lot, man.

Like, they did it with Megan Markle.

Oh, Megan Markle's kind of out of her mind.

She's kind of crazy, dude.

Dude, the second I talked about Megan Markle, all my feed was, was Megan Markle.

Yeah.

You watching that show amazed me.

I can't stop.

I watched it on the plane.

When she correct, dude, she corrects like

Mindy Kaling.

Is that her name?

Mindy Kaling.

What's her name?

Yeah.

Mindy Kaling Kellig?

Yeah.

Kaling?

Yeah.

Is like the...

She's like the most woke person in the world, right?

She's never done anything wrong.

She's a woman, woman of color.

She's like fucking, she's overweight.

She's skinny.

She checks all the boxes of like, can't offend you at all, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And she fucking offended Megan Markle by calling her Megan Markle.

What do you mean?

Dude is so good.

It's, did you see this?

And she says something simple like, I can't believe, I bet no one would think Megan Markle likes peanut butter and jellies.

And then Megan Markle goes, you should still call me Markle.

I'm Sussex.

And you're going to see me Kelly Kelly like, what the fuck?

Why are we doing this long ride?

Like, yeah, I didn't say the N-word.

Like, what the fuck are you doing, bitch?

Like, what the fuck?

She.

It's so good.

Chastises her for.

She's not joking.

No.

And it's, and by the way,

I'm a ride or die for H ⁇ M, right?

HM?

That's what I call them.

It's what they call each other.

Oh, Jesus.

It's so good, Tom.

It's so good.

Like, it's, I honestly, I think that people are...

I think I might be be the smartest man in the world.

And I think that I can transcend fucking what, I think I can transcend things and enjoy misery.

I think I can enjoy the fucking horribleness of some of projects.

Like, this show

is so re-watchable.

Because of, it's a disaster?

It's...

Is it a hate watch?

You can't, you can't.

See, I would argue it's not even a hate watch.

You just got to get into it.

You got to know the characters.

It's like the office.

It really is like the office.

I'm being serious.

It's so

she cannot get out of her way.

Yeah.

And I, and I've, I've watched that.

Like Ricky Gervais' character, like, like that, right?

Like, it's, but you got to be, you got to go, you got to get out of the internet and go.

I'm not going to just hate her because she was on scrubs or whatever.

Suits.

And then suits.

Yeah.

She was on suits and married a prince, and I don't believe a lot of her.

Get out of that.

Get into the fact that it is the office.

But it's for real life.

It is real life.

If Ricky Gervais created this character, you would laugh hysterically.

Right.

You'd be like, and I really, and I'm joking myself, I'm the smartest man in the world, but I'm not really.

But I really think I've transcended it and I've enjoyed it.

I enjoy it.

I watched it again on the plane.

Again.

Giggle.

I giggle.

All right.

You're going to make me try it.

What's it called?

I don't know.

With love?

With love.

With love.

She's trying to be

Martha Stewart, right?

Dude,

I mean, it makes me want to re-watch old Martha Stewart's clips.

Because, you know, Martha Stewart was a little bit out there.

Like, they used to do parodies of her on SNL.

Oh, they were so good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's badass, though, actually.

Fuck yeah.

She really is.

Dude, can I tell you what sucks for women is that they fade.

Just

it's like watching it's like watching Superman get locked out of his house.

Women specifically fade?

What about guys?

Nope.

We get better.

I told this to Leanne.

We're taking a walk.

And

I noticed, like, well, I'm famous, but I noticed people looking at me like when we were walking.

I noticed these young girls saw me and then they giggled.

And then they were like, oh my God.

And then they came and ran over and they're like, are you?

And I was like, yeah.

And they're like, can we get it?

Oh my God.

And their energy was in.

And then I noticed like, man, this sounds a little shitty, but like, noticed not a lot of young boys were doing that to Leanne.

And I said to Leanne, I said, I said, it's kind of crazy.

Like, it's kind kind of crazy that, like,

when we had just seen the conclave, I said, Isabella Rossellini, I was stuck on this.

Isabella Rossellini, we would have cut a finger off to fuck.

And now you look at her and you go, hmm.

But 10 years ago,

10 years ago, we'd punch our wife in the teeth to have a chance with her in bed.

10 years ago.

She's still beautiful.

She's still beautiful.

But

it is inevitable with women at faith and with men, we kind of, our stock increases, especially if you make money and you're a little gray, look sexy.

And, you know, I got jocked by these.

I got jocked by these young girls in Hawaii.

It's right when Leanne left.

Leanne left.

I was only leaving two hours after her.

But I went down to the beach.

I had a fucking cocktail.

I was telling Pete this last night.

And these girls came out and wanted to talk to me.

And they're like, are you here by yourself?

And I was like, I was like, oh, my wife just left.

And they didn't know I was leaving in an hour.

They were like, oh, what are you doing for dinner tonight?

And I was like, I don't know.

I should have been like, I'm having it on the plane.

But, you know, I was like, I don't know.

Like, you should come with us.

And I was like, oh, no, I'm leaving in an hour.

And they're like, oh, okay.

And then I was like, that's, it's just so odd.

Now I'm buzzed.

It's so odd that like

for women, it's just, it's inevitable.

It happens for all of them.

Right.

Well, they're the, they're the ones pursued, right?

So like guys pursue women.

So you have like this biological thing happening in you too, right?

Where you like your DNA is seeking out the youngest, most viable, you know, reproduction person too.

And so like you actually have a signal in your head that sees somebody that's older and goes, this is not a reproductive person.

You know what I mean?

Like, that's, that's like on a, on a real

base, like, you know,

the purest level of attraction is really like our bodies telling us reproduce or don't reproduce.

I almost envy ugly chicks

because they never had it.

Right.

Yeah.

Like what's what's better to have it and lose it or to never have it and never know what it was?

Did you ever like

do

like a

you know like a charity

fuck when you were younger?

No, I only fucked I only fucked who would fuck me.

No, I'm sure that you would not love my list, but No, but did you ever like.

I've only had sex with six chicks.

Right, but was one of them, did you ever like, no, hey, you're not that attractive?

You didn't say you're, but you fell in love with all of them.

I was like, I love you.

I said, I love you to all of them.

Even the one I stand, I said, I love you.

And she was like, what?

You fucking only fuck people I love.

I'm broken.

I'm the reason.

That's the reason the internet hates me at times is because I've said everything.

I'm just broken.

I'm fucking.

I'm sorry.

I only fucked people I love.

Oh.

Oh, shit.

I never even made out with an ugly chick, I don't think.

Really?

I don't think so.

But it took me so

I

it took me so much to kiss a girl.

Yeah.

That I was like,

I don't want to fucking deal with the fucking rejection.

No, I'm going to say it.

Oh, God.

I'm like envious.

I had a buddy in high school in college.

Let's just call him Chris.

And he just kissed everyone.

He tried to kiss everyone.

Like every night, just leaned in to kiss everyone.

I was like, what are you doing?

And he was like, hey, man, you swing a couple times.

You're going to hit a home run once.

I was like, yeah.

He goes, try to kiss them all.

He would, I mean, literally just, he just.

And I was like, I wish I could.

He must have had some responses.

He was.

I got to say this.

I want to say his last name so we know who we're talking about.

It's Chris who lived with Stephen Eddie, just so we're all clear.

You guys get it.

Yeah,

good-looking dude, really good-looking dude.

Never really had like a girlfriend.

I think if you focus on looking for the home run,

you forget what it's like to hit a nice base hit.

Yeah.

And I was always like, Give me a base hit for the summer, someone I can fall in love with, someone I can like order pizza with, watch movies with, someone I can tell secrets to.

yeah i don't belong to barstool i'm a fucking i'm a broken boy that's the every we're all broken no i'm so broke you think i could have these conversations with the guys here what would they say

huh

are you bet on the bear's game what what are we talking here are you are you gay

it's cool there's a lot of gays now even at barstool it's crazy how gay almost disappeared you know and then it came back like strong Like I hear so many people calling shit gay that I'm like, I remember when it I stopped saying it for a while.

It's the one, so the only critique that was valid that I heard, but like you, you have to like listen to when you go, that's gay, and you mean that's lame, was that people were saying, what if a young kid that's gay, like actually homosexual, hears you saying that something that is shitty is gay, and they kind of associate that with themselves.

And I go, Oh, that's a valid critique.

And then I was like, Yeah, deal with it.

You know, that's gay.

It's fucking like

shit.

It's fun.

It's a fun.

You got in trouble for saying retarded.

I got in trouble for saying retarded.

Isn't that great?

Like,

that's so wild.

That go ahead.

Not only that.

Hold on.

So, do you remember they wanted you to do the retard challenge?

Dude, please, it's unbelievable.

I went to the special Olympics, dude.

Not to Not to the event, to the headquarters.

Wait, what did you compete in?

I probably actually wouldn't win.

Yeah.

First of all, let me just say this.

The most comforting thing, like the thing that I enjoy the most is when I'm around somebody who is gay and they use that's gay the same way that we do.

Then I go, oh, because like they're like, no, no, yeah, of course.

I think that's the best.

The retarded people.

You got in.

I think this is glossed over.

You got in a lot of trouble.

I'm going to say it.

You don't have to say it.

And so if everyone knows, according to my dad, I don't know what the truth means, but I'll tell you my truth.

I always tell you my truth.

You made a joke about the word, the word and the usage of the word and how.

And it was, you didn't just call something retarded.

You made a joke about the word, and it got so out of control.

They wanted you to take your special down.

And you don't have to answer any of this.

I'm just going to tell you my side of the story.

They were legit thinking about it.

And you commented with,

hey, Netflix, if you took my special down, that would be retarded.

And then Netflix is like, that's not the post we were looking for.

Yeah, that wasn't headphones.

And then you had to go meet with people.

And now, now it's almost like,

almost like

watching

watching what's happening today makes me outraged that we could have just done that then.

Well, I'll tell you this, man.

It was like, it was a very shitty experience.

I don't think a lot of people realize how shitty of an experience it was.

I told you that.

I said when I went through something, I don't forget what my thing was, but I said, I felt bad that I never reached out and like, I said, hey, man, I hope you're going through, you know.

It was, it was bad.

It was really bad.

I actually thought that my career was kind of going to end.

Like, when you're in, when you're in it,

you really feel like you're in like a little bubble.

And

all I got every day was just people like threatening to kill me, send me messages.

I'll beat your fucking head in with a hammer, like crazy shit.

And then like, I keep getting these calls.

They're like, hey, you know, they want you to go meet with the Special Olympics.

I'm like, what are you talking about?

And I'm like, who's asking?

And then finally, they're like, it's, it's Reed Hastings, the CEO of Netflix, wants you to go do it.

I'm like, what?

He He wants me to go do it?

And they're like, yeah.

I guess I'm going to go do it.

So

I went down there.

When they go, when they go, hey, I'm not going to say it.

I know what you're saying.

There's a couple guys at Netflix you don't say no to.

Well, yeah.

The guy that started it?

There's a couple guys at Netflix that

I remember when we were.

Netflix is an interesting family to be a part of because there's a couple guys that could have their way with me.

Keep going.

Well, here's the funny thing.

So

they're all attacking me.

And one of the things I figure out pretty quickly is that I'm an attainable target because there's all these other

movies and shows and comics who have said retarded.

Right.

And I'm like, hey, what about Tropic Thunders on there at the time?

And they're like, oh yeah, they're upset about that.

But like, you know, they can't really get a hold of Ben Stiller.

So they can find you, though you know they got you I'm like oh cool and then I go down there and

special Olympics people were like hey you know we watched the special and you know you're actually you're a funny guy I mean it made us laugh and I'm like okay and they're like but you know that word is so problematic and they're you know and I'm listening like we're having an adult conversation and after we speak they're like you know, you're really, you're a nice guy and you're thoughtful.

And I go, thanks.

And, you know, they're like, I really, you know, I didn't want to laugh, but I did laugh at your special.

I go, thanks, man.

And then the guy's like, I just want you to know that, you know, I appreciate you coming down.

And I go, thanks.

He goes, but I'm going to still do everything in my power to try to have your special taken down.

And I go, what?

And he goes, yeah.

And I go,

okay.

And then I left there.

I don't know what number on the call sheet I was.

on the call list, but I got a call in the car and you were confused and you were like, I do not know what just happened.

but the thing i was in my pool because i remember i was staring at rocks the the hardscape of my pool

and you go oh man what the fuck i was like what and you're like i they like they actually got the joke they said the joke the joke makes sense not a hateful joke but they're still gonna take they want to take my special down and they tried and i remember you saying They want me to do the R-word challenge.

And I started laughing so hard.

I go, they want you to do the retard challenge?

And you go, yeah.

I go, Tom, Tom, you need to tell them.

The internet's not going to fucking like what they think.

It was so insane.

Then they told me, so obviously the special, they didn't take it down.

And I have to defend Netflix because Netflix

is the best.

For not just me, but they're like, you know, our comedians can kind of do what they want.

Like, it's, it's, you know, you don't have to like it, but we're not going to take it down.

Take a look at bad thoughts.

Take a look at bad thoughts take a look at bad thoughts if you have not seen it go watch it right now that is

that is netflix that is it's tom's but that is the boss we have is like sure whatever you guys want to do but here's what's funny because this all started when you're saying like gay people are saying shit's gay again retarded yeah so for a minute though after this whole shit went down first of all One of the high-ranking guys got fired because he was referencing my special.

And then in the reference to my special, he said the N-word in a meeting.

And then people were like, why are you saying the N-word?

He's like, no, I'm saying, I'm talking about words.

And then he did it twice and they fired him.

Right.

That was a huge story.

That was, I'm not like, I remember that.

I remember that.

Yeah, no, no, I remember that.

I remember in the trades and in New York Times and everything.

And then there was kind of a policy for a minute that they were like, hey, you cannot say that word in specials.

So like they stopped Jay Okerson.

Jokeson, yeah.

Well, then I got a call on my follow-up special.

They were like, hey, if you talk about the last special and everything that happened, they're like, you can't say

like retarded again.

Like, that was really bad, right?

Like, the fallout was bad.

And I just kind of accepted it.

And I'm not critiquing,

I think, you know, language and stuff, there's cultural shifts.

Things happen.

You go, okay.

Here's the funny thing.

It has been

five, six, seven years.

And now people say, everyone says retarded again.

And it's in shows.

It's in stanza.

Like it, like, it's just back that people just kind of were like no we want it back we're gonna say it again and and i don't mean like in the malicious way to like i'm just saying like when we go like dude what what are you doing this is retarded you keep drinking like you know like people are

but like that version is like back in is like acceptable it's i gotta be honest with you i'm i end up going old school where i go yo i had a period where i didn't say any of these words and i understood it and i got it and now that i hear them so casually and callously said like just whatever i go whatever happened to you guys did you guys get beat that easily yeah like what we were on your team for a second i mean i never really used the word i never really like i never i i'll tell you what i never made fun of anyone with down syndrome in my entire life i've never it's not my it's not my thing and i and i it's it's and by the way i i

to the point where like i remember

making fun of somebody like that that's that's fucking

like the whole, all the, the word, I understand why somebody goes that, you know, this is hurtful.

It's not like it's lost on me.

But I'm saying you have to accept the way that language works is if enough of people, if enough people agree that a word has a second meaning, then that's how then it has that meaning because people are agreeing on it.

And

with that word, you know, we all like to use it to somebody with somebody with a disability, that is cruel.

yeah and it's completely unnecessary it's not funny but people say it for like like same with gay that's what i'm saying yeah i mean gay or the you know it's like both those words i just go like i don't know i didn't

i've never made fun of gay people

i've enjoyed them you never you never beat up a gay guy in high school no

never

you're not that much you're not that much of a fucking barstool guy yeah

was uh That's one of the things Dave looks for in a resume.

He's like, did you get

to know that?

Did you pummel somebody for being a quia?

Hey, is Big Cat here?

Can we get him to step in for a second and just say hello?

Yeah.

I just want to give him flowers and tell him how fucking great.

This has been a great podcast, man.

By the way, did you know that Tuskegee Airmen did not have syphilis?

I hadn't even, I didn't know.

So can I tell you?

Can I tell you what I learned?

Yeah.

Tuskegee Airmen are different than the Tuskegee experiment.

My whole life, I thought they gave a bunch of pilots syphilis and then let them have syphilis for like 30 years to test out, to find out what the degree of syphilis, what happened when you left syphilis untreated.

I mean, it kills you.

Are you aware of the Tuskegee experiment?

Where a bunch of guys, a bunch of black dudes got what they call back in the day, syphilis, but they called it bad blood.

And they got syphilis.

Syphilis was,

it ruined your life.

I mean, you went went blind.

Yeah, you brain rotted.

It brain rotted your fucking.

Al Capone died of syphilis, I think.

He did.

And so

that was the Tuskegee experiment.

The Tuskegee Airmen is something totally different.

That was a bunch of black pilots during World War II.

In whatever happens, where you,

what's the thing where everyone thought that Sinbad was in the movie Shazam?

What's it called?

What?

The Mandela Effect.

I thought they gave these pilots syphilis

in World War II.

It'll be a crazy experiment to be able to do it.

I know.

You could get up there and fly down with your brain fucking melting.

In my head, I'm like, the whole life, I've always been like, but they were flying for us.

Why would we give them syphilis?

And then I was.

What the fuck was the Sinbad thing?

I don't know.

The Mandelo effect.

Which is.

It's when you think

you know something happened.

Like, oh, hold on.

This is the Mandela effect.

Luke Skywalker in

Darth Vader.

And Darth Vader says, Luke, I am your father.

Right?

Yeah.

He never said that.

He never said that.

His words were like, search deep into your truth.

You will know it to be true.

Luke.

He never said, Luke, I am your father.

But we all believe we heard Luke, I am your father.

For what?

It's the Mandela effect.

It's the same thing with...

Why is it called the Mandela effect?

Because Nelson Mandela was really big into movies.

I don't fucking know.

It's got to be...

Why is it called the Mandela Effect?

Are you looking on your phone for an answer for me?

Yeah.

What's the Mandela Effect?

Do you like how I immediately became your boss?

Who would you rather

sit on a 10-hour flight with?

Big Cat or Dave Portnoy?

Big Cat.

That didn't take long.

That did not take long.

Yeah.

All right.

He's nicer, too.

It's the death in prison of Nelson Mandela.

Oh, people go, he died in prison.

So people were telling that story because they think it's a story.

Are you serious?

Oh, so it is Nelson Mandela.

Yeah.

That makes sense because people, okay.

What?

It's the Ernst Bears.

Oh.

Oh, so it's not Brent Krishner.

It's Bert Kreischer.

Hey.

What's the Mandela effect?

That's the Mandela effect.

Do you know how often my name is mispronounced?

Well, I have a collection of videos in a folder,

if that's what you're wondering.

i

i

i got two things ready and by the way i don't know if i know the answer oh i know the answer i know the answer i almost guarantee you that tom doesn't know big cats real name

dan katz god damn it fuck

is he jewish

really

one of the big ones yeah

he's a real outlier in that world

they get they only get one or two like that in a generation for their own.

Look at this fucking guy.

Good looking.

Strong jawline.

Yeah.

Big.

Great hair, big guy.

He's a big fucking dude.

Mm-hmm.

I think

6'2 is the threshold of big dude.

Yeah.

Legit.

When you're 6'2, you're a big man.

When you're fucking 6' doesn't do it.

6-foot, you might as well be 5'10.

Might as well be.

Right?

No one can tell the difference between 5'10 and 6'.

No, you want to be, like you said, 6'2 ⁇ , 6'3.

That's where it's at.

I think we should.

Oh, look, he just showed up.

Shit.

What's up, boys?

What's up, man?

We've been having the best time here for the last, whatever, how long we've been here.

And we just wanted you to come in.

Thank you, first of all, for letting us do this.

Also, congratulations.

I know you've been here a while, but it's super impressive, man.

Thank you.

Are we live right now?

Yeah, yeah, we're living.

Oh, okay.

I was like, oh, this is really nice.

I was thinking maybe you were going to say all this before we started taping.

No, man.

We've been recording for an hour.

Yeah.

It's awesome.

How do you guys got to see it?

It's really cool, man.

It's a dream.

It's like I work in a fun factory.

You actually really do.

It's the

Rob Deardeck.

I was such a huge fan

of him and Robin Big.

And I remember when he

built that, whatever it was, 20 years ago, I was like...

With his skateboard park and all that shit.

Like, that's what I want to do for a living.

And you did it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can I say one funny thing, though?

So I, so we, we built this in November 2023 is when we moved in.

And I take my kids here all the time to like,

yeah, three of them.

Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You guys are good at keeping secrets.

No, I mean, that's not a secret.

There's, they're very much, I mean, I don't put them online.

Oh, you don't do in specials and talk about their periods?

Yeah, no, I don't.

I don't, I don't put out their pictures or their names because I know that they're going to have a pretty fucked up

reckoning when they get to like when they go to college and some guy walks up to her or party and goes I'm gonna fuck the famous right out of you yeah fuck you kid I know who you are I'll find you say his name

uh

yeah I got three little kids uh so we I bring them here all the time to uh like run around on the weekends I have like little you know the little uh toy trucks and stuff and then so they love it they think it's the coolest thing ever it is they fucking love it this is

then

maybe it it was like four months ago dude perfect opened their new office and my son uh watches dude perfect and he watched their tour of their new office and he was just like where are your go-karts yeah where

your shit sucks

wait can we can we deep dive this is you know they they i saw dude perfect i think they do i think they're like uh deep state media

because uh they did a They did like a fun run at my son's school.

He's in kindergarten.

And all you had to do is compete and you get a prize.

The prize was dude perfect backpacks.

So, every kid walks out with a dude perfect backpack and they're just like, This is awesome, and then boom, they're hook line and stuff like that.

We gotta do that with Porosos.

Do kindergarten parties where they get balls of porosos.

Poroso sippy cups.

Sippy cups.

Get them.

Oh, hold on.

That's actually

brilliant.

That's actually fucking brilliant.

That's really good.

That's really brilliant.

We should do lunch boxes while we're at it.

Dude, and Lucy, are you guys with Lucy?

Yes.

Lucy,

you should come out with a candy that you put in your cheek and and slowly release a sugar.

Or rogue.

This is fucking brilliant.

All right, what was the deep dive?

Okay.

Oh, first of all, are you Jewish?

I am non-practicing.

My dad was or is.

My mom is not.

Your mom is not.

So you're not officially you.

So half.

Yeah, but I mean, because we were saying, like, man, he's a real outlier.

Look at him.

He's like big, strong.

You and Gary Goldman.

You and Gary Goldman could carry on the race.

I was one of those kids when I was like younger.

I hated all religion.

Like, I've gotten more mature, where if you think that religion is important to you and your relationship with god is important to you i'm not gonna judge tom hates some he hates palestinians right it just depends but i have but i have i was that like shithead kid who's like this is bullshit yeah yeah like why are we doing why are we doing anything that was told to us you know 3 000 years ago yeah so and i've kept that pretty consistent throughout my life it's funny how non-religious like i was brought up in a like a kind of religious household and how i have kids now and they have virtually like just no,

it's just not part of their upbringing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Be a good person, yeah, yeah, that kind of thing.

That's the thing is, like, I understand religion, like, can instill those type of foundational things, morals, and everything, but like, I hope that I am able to do that on my own without religion.

I hate it, also, like, I had to go to, you know, Sunday school, and we went to Mass every Sunday and all this stuff.

And it's like, oh my God, my kids, like,

you know, picturing them going through that, they would be like, dude, I fucking hate you, man.

Yeah, right.

Right.

If I made them do that now, where's the I'd be like, we took Isla and Georgia to church once and Isla is this, I mean, this kid's staring at me.

I go, what?

She goes, why are we here?

And I go, what do you mean?

She goes, you like this?

I go, no.

She goes, well, why are we here?

It's like, you know, I go, nan and papa.

She goes, we could leave, right?

Like, we don't have to stay here.

And I'm like, where was that brain for me as a child?

Right.

Now, I'm going to push back.

I'm going to say, I just watched watched Conclave.

Did you watch Conclave?

I did spoiler alert.

Didn't really love the ending.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's the Ace Ventura of religious movies.

Yeah.

Iron Horns are dude.

The build-up was fantastic.

Awesome.

It was the build-up was great.

They could have just ended the movie being like, we picked, you know, a rainbow.

This is like my favorite genre of like, of films are like thrillers,

or suspense, you know, like, and it's all about building up and then the reveal.

The reveal, like, who killed or what's the thing?

Yeah.

And so you're waiting.

You're like, oh man, this is building so well.

The actors are phenomenal.

It's well-directed.

The tension, you're like, oh, shit, what's it going to be?

And then I got to tell you, when it's revealed, I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me.

They should have gone full S Ventura and had all the priests go, uh.

Do you remember Dan Marino?

Yeah.

Dan Marino was like, uh.

He's like, dude, uh.

What?

A great, I watch that with my daughters.

My daughters are kind of woke.

The first thing they say is, they see S.

Ventura and they're like,

Are we laughing at a special needs person?

And I go, No, no, it's different.

And they're like, No, that's

and then by the end, they're like, He's just a transgendered female.

You don't get it, it's like this dick or whatever.

You know,

my boys watched it last week, Ace Ventura, Ace Ventura, yeah, they're six and nine, and they're like, This is the greatest fucking thing of all time.

I can't wait to get to like actual movies.

I'm still in like the despicable movie, Claw Patrol.

Yeah, they love this.

They lost their minds.

Yeah, yeah,

what trips let's talk about kids what trips do you want to take with your kids how old are your kids uh about to be six four and two god man boy girl boy

three is a lot three is a lot three is a lot you're outnumbered it's a lot

it's a lot god yeah man i just we i just came back from hawaii and i went to a resort that I've taken my girls to like 10 times.

And

that's over

probably five times.

And

we had so much fun at this fucking resort that I started thinking,

the podcast move, and I always think like in like, you know, how do you monetize it, whatever,

is like, is like planning trips for families, like doing family trips.

Like, not this like, we're a family, we're going to live in a van.

We all work out and we all eat liver, you know, whatever.

But like planning trips for families because, man, there are some fun family trips.

And then there's some that aren't worth it that you go, maybe my kids don't need to see Bali.

Right.

You know, like they, this, Hawaii is just as good as Bali.

Yeah, yeah.

I, we, I, we go to, uh, I haven't, I take my kids on some trips, some trips they're not invited to because it's like, you know, also too young, man.

A two-year-old is like, when we go anywhere near a pool, he just tries to kill himself.

Of course.

You know, also, every time, like, I do the road, people are like, do you bring your kids?

I'm like, we're in four cities in four nights.

Right.

Like to have little guys.

Right.

Eventually, I'll love that.

It'll be awesome.

Like, next year, I'm going to take my, the Final Fours in Indianapolis.

I'm going to take my son to that because it's a drive.

You know what I mean?

Like that's going to be awesome.

That'd be awesome.

But no, we, there is a place we go to in the Bahamas, Bahamar.

Have you guys ever been there?

It's the best.

And I say this because I'm a very easy guy.

If you give me a pool and a casino, I'm in.

So it's a full like resort, but there's a full casino, sports book.

There's like 20 restaurants on the resort.

There's also a free water park attached to it.

And it's like, I do this without my kids.

I've asked you a version of this before, but like, for like, like, that vacation, do you go in with like a number?

Yeah.

So you go, I'm just gambling this.

Yeah, and then I'll probably hit the ATM again.

But yeah, I actually did well this trip.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Sweet, can I ask you as a person who I have the things I like going?

Yeah, Bert, you text me every now and then being like, is this a good bet?

I'm like, dude, you're like, I know I gambled.

You saved me.

You saved me like Penguin.

I think you wanted to bet like Baker Mayfield to win the MVP.

No, no, no, no, no.

And by the way, I'm so excited for the fucking Bucks.

Shiloh Sanders is going to be a jersey I'm buying.

Okay, and then what are you going to do when he gets cut?

Fucking, he's not getting cut.

God damn it.

Listen.

Where do you think Shador's going to end up?

Hang on.

Shut the fuck up, Tom.

I have a really good question.

Yeah, what about Shador?

I don't think he's going to...

I think he'll be a good backup somewhere for a lot of people.

Not in Cleveland.

Maybe in Cleveland.

Maybe he'll stick around in Cleveland.

He's okay.

He's just like, you have to be, you have to have like incredible arm talent in the NFL.

You have to have something that's elite.

But maybe he can, maybe he can make it as a backup.

And that's a pretty good life.

Chase Daniel made millions and millions of dollars.

I think someone did a breakdown.

He's like made like $300,000 per pass attempt.

That's pretty cool.

Because he was in the NFL for so long and he just, he would get in every now and then.

And his brain still works.

Yeah, right.

That's kind of cool.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, here's my great question, because I'm a journalist.

So

I go on vacation with the girls when they were younger, there was always like a, I monitored my drinking because I didn't want to get out of control, but there was a little bit of where, you know, I got loose.

Do you do that with gambling so that your kids don't see the gambling?

No.

No.

They know.

So like, so like you go to the Final Four, he's getting dad.

and a little bit of big cat.

Yeah, well, he's, there's, in my house, there's specific times where the game's on and my kids will be like, who are you rooting for?

Like, what color?

I'm like, We're rooting for both.

We have the over.

We want when this team has the ball, we want them to score.

When this team has the ball, we want them to score.

So, they probably don't really understand how sports work.

They don't get it at all.

No, right for both.

Yeah, it's uh, I mean, it is.

I've said it before.

I might have even said on this show.

We're going to have a real funny conversation in school, and they're like, We like all teams, yeah, right, right.

Yeah, it's like we like points, uh, but yeah, no, I uh, I've been lucky enough that I can, I can gamble.

Are you guys racist?

No, black people make that smile.

We need points, Can they score?

Can they score?

Can they put the ball in the hoop?

But yeah,

really all, my only hobby is gambling.

So

I know that it's probably,

I never try to think about how much I've lost in my life because that would make me sick.

But I also know that I've been lucky enough to make a lot.

So just keep it going.

It kind of balances out, right?

It kind of.

I need to get to a point where, like, I've talked to my financial advisors about retirement, and I'm not going to retire anytime soon, but like, what's the point where I have enough money that I can just lose it all?

Like, for the rest of my life, you know what I mean?

Because that's what's, because I'm not going to retire and not gamble.

So I got to figure out, I got to figure out how much I can have that I can then be like, all right, we're okay with losing all of this.

And then you just, you know, die with nothing.

Well, the problem is, the problem with gambling for me, and I'll speak for Tom too.

I've seen Tom gamble.

Tom gambles like you gamble.

But like, I'm not, the only time it's interesting, it's like fucking cheating on your wife.

Who's going to wear a condom, right?

It's like if you cheat on your wife, fucking raw dog.

Yeah, right?

That's the way it works.

Like, if you, if you cheat on your wife and she goes, did you wear a condom?

You're like, you've never heard about cheating, apparently.

So, but that's the same thing with gambling.

I actually totally disagree with that, but go ahead.

You would wear a condom?

Well, first of all, I wouldn't cheat on my wife.

I wouldn't cheat on my wife either.

No, well, I'm going to tell for a real reason.

I come way too fast to like, it would be like 45 seconds to ruin my entire life.

You know what I mean?

Like, if I could fuck like a porn star, then you'd be like, oh, we'll consider it.

But, like, I think about like the embarrassment in the 45 seconds and being like, your life's over now.

Can I piss you a bar stool challenge?

Me and you.

My wife would love that explanation, by the way.

Well, she also loves it because she always asks, like, you know, the hypotheticals you do with your wife.

You're like, if I died, what would you, like, would you remarry?

I'm like, listen, if you died, like, tomorrow.

high-end prostitutes rest of my life.

That's love.

That's love.

That's love.

That's love.

That's love.

I don't want to put the time into fucking.

It's like when you get a new dog.

I don't want to potty train them.

I'd like the old dog that followed me around next to my heels.

Right.

God, these are fucking great dogs, man.

What were we talking about?

Oh, gambling, gambling, gambling, gambling.

I'm a little drunk.

This is 11.30.

And it's Chicago.

Yeah.

The

thing gambling for me is it only works when it hurts.

Oh, yeah.

Like, it doesn't work.

Oh, yeah.

You can't go in

and go $100 and then it matters.

That's where that's the whole thing.

That keeps going up.

That's the run.

I had a run

this spring in March.

I won 16 straight bets, and I was just going up and up and up.

I didn't lose a bet until like March 10th.

It was like the biggest thing.

People were waiting for my pick.

It was incredible.

But the problem was every bet got a little bit bigger.

And then when I finished, when I finally lost, I was like, well, what do I do now?

Like, I got to stay at this level.

So it probably fucked me up in the long run.

I learned it, like, the emotional part of it with Blackjack because I love Blackjack.

Yeah.

And there's this thing where you're you know, you go to a table, let's say, and

you know, people have different approaches, but typically I would start like small, right?

Right.

Like, just kind of like, oh, let's start.

So, I'm like, here's a small bet and winning.

And then next hand, winning.

And you're like, I'm not feeling anything.

Push it.

Yeah.

Yeah, because, but like, there's no charge.

Right.

So then you go, you know, whatever.

Here's $1,000.

Then you're like, you know, and then if you win, you're like, yes.

Yeah.

You finally go, oh, here's the emotion.

Yeah.

But if you lose lose it, you're like, fuck.

You don't want to sit at a blackjack table for two hours and be like, I won 50 bucks.

No.

Have you guys been to Dana White's Tunnel of Chaos?

No.

Dana White's here.

You've never seen it?

So he's got his casino.

He goes to Red Rocks.

Yeah.

And we went there, I think it was like last year.

We talked to him about this though.

Yeah.

You show up.

He's sitting at a blackjack table.

You say what you want to win.

And then he plays for you.

You win that money.

Then then you get up and go and so like you i literally said i want to win fifteen thousand dollars like okay gambles it like i think i played three hands won fifteen thousand dollars stood up and left he's like get out of here yeah and like but it's it will compton sat down i think he was down like 300k at one point but it's like

and it's like that feeling of like is this my money or dana's money i don't really know what's going on but then you just he just fought back and fought back and dana keeps going so you guys got to go to the 10 okay but what but what is the what is the allure for a guy like dana or michael jordan i think he likes watching other people win too well he that's fun he likes to win right the the the the appeal to him is that he is an elite businessman yep who has had massive wins right like we're talking like billion dollar sales and like he know he he goes to these ufc events you know the gate is fucking 6.8 million and you know there's this many people doing pay-per-view like it's just it's a charge right Because he's he's devoured success, and so when he's not in that environment, he's just like, this shit's lame, yeah, right, sitting around sucks, right?

So, I'll go here, and I'm gonna compete four hundred thousand dollars on a hand, yeah.

And then, if you, if you, if he wins that hand, he's just like, fuck yeah, there it is again.

There's that feeling of like, yeah, I just won half a million dollars in two minutes, yeah, winning, yeah, he wants to win, yeah.

That's Jordan, too.

Jordan is like, you know, right, like he doesn't have a gambling problem, he has a competition problem, exactly, he just wants wants to compete.

He wants to compete, dude.

All right.

Where are you guys next on your tour?

Tom's on tour right now.

I'm flying to Springfield, Massachusetts right now.

Nice.

Oh,

I never mind.

Albany and Rochester.

I was like, there's a lot of Springfields, huh?

Oh, there's a few.

Yeah.

I was like, what a bitch.

Why didn't he drive?

I was talking shit about you last night.

Massachusetts?

Wait, so.

I didn't realize that.

No, he thought of Springfield a little bit.

I was like, what the fuck's he flying for?

Why are we on such a tight schedule?

I don't like car driving.

I got to watch your new show, too.

Please do.

Please do.

Yeah,

I've been watching Mobland.

Have you guys watched it?

Hold on.

Don't talk about what happened on Sunday.

I haven't watched this episode.

Hold on.

Have you watched Mobland?

Let me just give you a pitch on Mobland.

It's basically if they speedrun Sopranos and every episode is its own action movie that it's not really a lot of depth, but it's cool shit.

It's almost as good as Meghan Markle's show.

Really?

Hold on.

We're not done with you.

I know you have to go.

Hold on.

Mobland's fucking amazing.

Yeah.

Real quick.

Real quick.

Tom Hardy hasn't slept.

Have you noticed that?

Yeah, he hasn't.

It's like two weeks in the show

in London.

And it's on

Paramount.

Paramount plays.

It's like a weird one to find.

Yeah.

I had to buy it.

I always forget it.

I just like to say it.

Can you just sell it to Netflix?

Yeah.

We're done.

Anyway, Mobland's great.

Tom Hardy has this weird thing where he kind of does one thing.

Yeah.

And I'm there for every time he does it.

I don't even think he's acting.

I don't think he's acting.

I think he's just like, hey, Tom, just be an be a fucking badass.

He's a, that movie, Havoc came out.

Yeah.

It's an entertaining movie.

Yeah.

Like, yeah.

No, everything he's in is entertaining, but it's like, he's just a badass.

Do you think if

I looked at a house with Colin Farrell one time?

We were looking at the same house.

No, we were looking at the same house at the same time.

And man, I could fucking...

That's a sick brag.

I could listen.

No, it was not a nice house.

It was for his sister.

He was looking for his sister.

Are you looking for yourself?

I was looking for me.

Okay.

I chewed Dr.

Dre's house one time.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

I almost bought it, but then I was like, I don't want this house.

It was in Woodland Hills.

He lived in Woodland Hills in the same house that he bought in like

93.

Little fixer-upper?

Well,

it was weird.

It looked like a castle.

And I didn't know it was his house.

And I pull up and I'm like, this is a weird fucking house, right?

And then the guy is giving us the tour.

And he's like, yeah, you know, the guy's in the music business.

I was like, oh, who is it?

He goes, Oh, you know, I can't say who it is.

I was like, Oh, okay.

And then there's like really old shit, like, you know, where you go, this data, this needs to be totally renovated.

Then you turn a corner, and something's totally state of the art.

Like, what happened here?

He's like, Oh, well, they did this room.

Yeah, you're like, Okay, and then the kitchen looks like it's 200 years old.

And then the theater is like state of the art, and you're like, and then outside by the pool, they renovated a section that had like a fire pit.

And I was like, dude, this is the most crazy, like, just, you know, piecemeal kind of thing.

And he's like, yeah, you know, his daughter, she's going to college in the fall.

I go, oh, it's Dr.

Dre.

And he was like, fuck, yeah, it's Dr.

Dre.

Because I had just like read an article about it.

I go, this is Dre's house?

And they're like, yeah, I go, this is terrible.

And then he moved from that house to like this,

the one that Brady had built in Brentwood.

So he went from this house to a $40 million Brentwood estate.

Yeah,

but it was a weird house in Woodland Hills.

And he would drive, you know, you'd see him driving around because he, uh, for a gym, instead of having a house gym, he got a commercial gym in like a strip mall as a personal gym.

That's awesome.

So you'd see

the news.

You're looking at your flax.

You have a gym.

Yeah, I know.

You have a crunch in here.

Yeah.

You're a fucking planet fitness in here.

Basically, it would be like if he bought, though, a Planet Fitness and left the name Planet Fitness.

And they're like, no one's allowed to come here.

Yeah, right.

This is your place.

Yeah, that's awesome.

And so like they would have like the people he would always get mad at people parking in the gym spaces because they're like,

there's no gym members.

Like it's just you.

Do you look at this Tom and do you go?

This is what YMH could be.

This place?

Because Tom's, have you ever been to Tom's studio?

No, I haven't.

But it looks a lot like an abortion clinic.

Like it looks like people just, when they walk out, no one's smiling.

They're like, ooh,

but this place is, yeah, I mean, the one rule I made too of this place is everyone has to show up.

Everyone has to show up to work.

Because there's a lot of times where you don't, you know, like if you're blogging or you're doing, you come and do your podcast and you leave, I was like, everyone has to show up because the magic.

And you cut to my face?

Cut to my fucking face.

Hey, guys, a birdie boy entertainment.

Huh?

Fuck work from home.

You don't work from home.

You don't work from home?

I'm not working today.

I know you're not allowed to say this.

HR.

This is fucking bullshit.

You show up to work because being there is the fucking creative.

Well, especially in our line of work, like the, you can't do it on Zoom.

No, you can't.

It sucks.

You just can't.

Zoom sucks, dude.

You have to be in the mix together.

That's where everything, the magic happens.

So I'm getting a...

It's too bad you guys came now.

If you came a week later, I just bought an industrial soft serve ice cream machine.

We're going to upgrade some shit.

That's my dream.

That's been my dream.

I think we have some fun at our...

Dude, we have an...

Come on.

What are you talking about?

No, it's cool.

It's like going to the dentist.

It's not like going to the dentist.

You walk in scared and you leave going.

I'm going to go to the dentist.

can you throw a ball around?

No.

Well, first of all, we don't have the size plus.

I'm just asking, can you, if I came to your office, I was like, Tom, let's have a catch.

Oh, where?

Yeah, we could.

No, where?

No, you couldn't.

You wanted to wear over Annie's head?

No.

When you break something

into the

listen to me.

No, no.

When you want to get a card.

No, no, no.

I would like to see a video of you having a catch.

You know what I'm going to do?

As soon as I fucking get back, I'm playing catch and they're sending you the video.

No, no, no, no.

No, no.

He is, Tom is, they call them liars.

Tom, if you go in, Tom has, I'm going to really break apart your studio.

First of all, you can't walk in the door like you could here.

No, you can't walk in the door.

You got to go.

It's called Security Band.

We have Security Bands.

And then a Twink comes out.

What's his name?

Tanner?

Tanner comes out, and he's like,

oh, hey.

Oh, hey.

Cool.

And you're like, hey, is Tom here yet?

No, he's running late.

You want coffee?

Reed's got your coffee.

And you're like, cool, Tanner.

And then all the branding is so that you know Tom isn't racist.

It's just black people painted everywhere.

Like, it is.

It is.

What is it?

Kobe Bryant?

He's never watched a fucking Lakers game in his life.

He's got a mural of Kobe Bryant in the fucking studio.

And then some Latina chicks, right?

It's like Tom grew up in LA as a Cholo.

And then, and then you, and then, and then everyone's scared.

You ever go into a rescue?

Everyone's scared.

Everyone's scared.

You walk into a rescue place where they rescue puppies and the puppy's like,

that's any.

Then you see Chad.

Zolo's like, I don't want to touch.

I don't want to touch.

I don't want to touch.

That's the whole fucking place.

And Ryan's not.

Ryan's is right by the door.

That sounds pretty true.

I mean, there's a guy, he works there too.

Yeah, but he's right by the door so we can leave and you can get drinks in his office.

Ryan, could we have a catch?

Absolutely.

Okay.

Where the fuck would you have a catch?

A catch.

Actually, multiple places.

Oh, wow.

We're going to do that.

I'm going to send you a super cut.

I want all of them.

Here's where we can have one.

Here's where we can.

Hey, guys.

What kind of ball you want to use?

Whatever.

Tennis ball is fine.

No, no, no, no.

I want a catch of all sorts.

I want a lacrosse catch, maybe a frisbee catch.

You got a frisbee going?

A frisbee catch, totally a baseball catch.

I want all these catches, and then I'm going to show you what it's like to work in a fucking den of snakes.

Okay, first of all, you know what his fucking place is like, right?

I mean, I assume it's just his house, and he makes everyone go there.

Well, it's a house that's not far off,

it's a house that is like

where yarn collectors get together and talk about, you know what I mean?

Like, I just farted.

It is

such

a fucking chick thing.

It is the opposite.

They would, first of all, if they even visited.

It's like a Portlandia sketch.

Oh, no.

If they visited here,

they would basically sue you guys for SI

just for existing.

They would exist sue you.

It's the complete polar opposite.

It's a bunch of broads just sitting around being like, yeah, I think it's a good idea.

I'm like, how do you fucking do this, dude?

You need to hire a couple of Barstall people, man.

I fucking bring Mince.

We got a couple we could throw your way.

They will ruin your life.

They will ruin your life.

I have none of what's old Canadian?

Oldie.

Oldie?

I have none of that energy in my house.

I want it.

Flapjacks?

Flapjacks.

I want that energy in my house.

He's a gem.

And I trash man.

And we just like, we had him on one stream.

We're like, this guy, we have to have him.

He moved here.

No, he's he still lives in Toronto.

He's got a wife and two kids, but whenever we meet him, he comes down.

Holy shit.

Dude, I got it.

You can edit this out if you need to.

I got it.

What?

You know how I've always wanted to adopt a Down syndrome, dude?

I don't.

No.

Yeah.

I wanted because

that's not oldie, by the way.

No, and I know, but he's Canadian.

Yeah, which is a little.

Yeah, you're getting confused here.

I'm going to hire, I'm going to hire an intern, a Down Center intern, just to break up the female energy.

Dude, right?

Dude, fucking positive as fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Break up that female energy.

I got too much female energy.

I got too much effort.

Maybe we go for like an autistic guy.

No, fuck autistic.

We got a few.

Take that out.

Or keep it in.

But no, but I'm like,

take it out because no one will take it out.

God damn it.

But no, but like, I'm so tired of these fucking grown men saying they're autistic and you just got to deal with a rude dude.

No, that's not.

And you're like, you're like, oh, so I'm on your page, you tell me everything, and I just can't disagree.

No, hold on.

You know what I'm talking about, too, don't you?

No, I know a few people like that.

Yeah, it's fucking exhausting.

Yeah, no,

enough.

Anybody who has any like social quirk that is not positive, yeah.

People go, yeah, he's autistic.

Yeah.

Or he goes, I'm autistic.

And you're like, I don't think you are.

Yeah, right.

You're kind of an autistic.

Right, right.

You just don't like talking to people.

Yeah, yeah.

That's why you're my partner, bro.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You never got into cars?

You were into cars?

No.

What are you into?

Just gambling.

Yeah.

I dream of someday getting some old cars.

That'd be cool.

But I don't know shit about cars.

Are you like a real estate guy, though?

No, you don't want a place somewhere magical?

No.

No.

I just make a whole gaming.

I'm as simple as it gets.

I don't really change.

Just gamble.

Steak or fish?

Steak.

All right.

What are we doing?

Are you garbage?

What is this?

Yeah, I got it.

Did you rub with Top Air?

Did you rub with Tupperware?

I see chains, though.

You got chains on your neck.

I do.

I have a couple.

Do you?

This actually was...

You guys know Roan,

one of the most talented guys we have at Barstall.

He got me this.

This is the gambling saint.

Hasn't really helped, but

I'm trying.

And then this is a...

This is an asteroid that my wife has a matching one from.

They mined an asteroid in Africa.

Bro, you should get a massive medallion that is an iced-out actual big cat, like a puma.

That would be your shit.

I know you have a big cat that lives here.

Can I pitch you on

Savannah cats?

Do you know what Savannah cats are?

No.

Bro.

Sounds like a problem.

Again,

I don't know if they're, by the way, I'm in love with Mincy.

You know that?

Because you don't work with them.

No, because me and him have the exact same musical taste.

Oh, did you?

Have you gone to the sphere?

Yeah.

For Dead and Company?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, I went two weekends ago.

That was my fourth time.

Wait, are you a dead end?

Yeah, big time.

Are you being fucking serious?

Yeah.

How did I not know that?

I don't know.

Are you like, are you like, are you like...

Wait, is there anything else about you that we don't know?

No, I mean, that was...

God, he's just

dead ends.

How dare you?

How dare me not to get you?

You were the artist.

Okay, Faye.

Okay,

Brent.

No, it's Bert.

No, Brent.

If that was what you're going to ask.

Wait, no.

If you're going to ask me what my favorite keyboardist is, it's Brent, the 80s.

No, that's not what I was going to say.

Wait, or

top five favorite dead songs.

And don't go.

You got to do.

It changes so much.

Right now.

Warfrat, Althea.

Althea's so.

Crazy Fingers.

Help on the Way, Slipknot, Franklin's Tower.

He's gone.

And

he's standing on the moon.

Jesus Christ.

Can I tell you what a liar John Mayer is?

He's the man.

But watch guy.

Big time watch guy.

Maybe the biggest.

Yeah, maybe the biggest.

Last year when I went to the sphere, I just posted a picture being like, yo, this is awesome.

He DM'd me.

He's like, hey, come to my green room before the show tomorrow night and hang out.

Hung out with him for like 20 minutes.

Coolest guy ever.

Yeah.

Just like one-on-one.

It was awesome.

That's awesome.

He is the man.

He's awesome.

You spelled Mayer.

I got to go in four minutes hold on

how do what how do you do this we should make a trade you get like for like

he's gonna sell me in a second you're gonna sell me in a second and then we can go to therapy together yeah yeah well then we do a podcast at the end and we talk about it

that'll be the therapy you don't think john john would sell me in a like dude do you see what i deal with and be like no you see what i deal with no i actually we think we should try we should do that yeah you we should absolutely do that You doing a podcast with Mincy and then me having to have Burch in the office.

You'll learn a lot about Mincey.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, he'll tell you everything.

By the way,

we connected so quickly.

Yeah, I know.

You guys are the same.

Oh, that's who you were talking to?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I was like, who's this?

Dude, we were going off on Billy's strings and fucking watching.

He's a guy who's been, he's been fired.

He did a live show on.

He has a live show, Wake Up Mincey,

And the show landed on the first of the month, and he celebrated by singing Bone Thugs in Harmony.

Yeah.

And

decided to do the lyrics

live.

Yeah.

That's a good call.

So he got fired for a little bit.

Now he's back.

Wake up.

Wake up.

He just went right through it.

I'm looking for John Mayer's number.

All the words.

All the words.

Oh, yeah.

All the words.

Oh, wow.

Yes.

Yes.

John Mayer says Althea was his introduction song.

Yes, it was.

It's not.

I'm just saying it's too deep of a song for somebody.

No, I believe it.

I don't.

I can't.

Okay.

I'm stuck on the fact that you get introduced by the dead

on one of the songs we never listen to anymore.

For a lot of people, it was Touch of Gray.

And by the way,

I'll even go deeper and say that I now rediscovered how great of a song Touch of Gray is.

Oh, yeah.

That's the best part about the dead is you just keep, like, my favorite songs shift from week to week, month to month.

You find a new show, you find a new song.

It's the best.

Are you going to the ones in?

I don't think I'm going to be able to make it because the schedule

goes so bad.

I'm wearing my production.

They're doing Grateful Dead's 60-year anniversary in San Francisco in August.

Yeah.

And Billy Strings and Sturgil Simpson.

Do you like edibles and

mushrooms?

Yeah, yeah.

Nice.

Do you like DMT?

No, I can't say I've done a lot of DMT in my life.

How long does it have a Vape pen?

Do you want to hit it real quick?

No, I'm good.

The Vape Pen is the best thing ever.

Yeah.

The DMT one.

Oh, okay.

Incredible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll take your word for it.

I'll, you won't.

No, I'll take your word for it.

That's what taking your word for it is.

No, no, no, but it'll

be.

I just, I just, listen, I believe you.

Here's the thing.

15 minutes, you feel like you're going to die or be paralyzed.

This is great.

And then you come back and you're like, holy shit, I'm still alive.

Yeah.

Crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You guys are,

I think you guys are kind of bored if you're just casually doing TMT.

I did it last night.

Got to find something else for you.

Hey, I want to say thank you.

Yeah, thanks for letting us go.

Yeah, anytime you guys are in town,

it's the coolest thing about the industry that we're in is there's a there's like a shared camaraderie and and to show us around this place.

And it's it's amazing.

And we specifically built like extra podcast studios for exactly this.

Like Brandon Marshall came with Cam Newton and then he, Brandon Marshall came back like four days in a row just doing his show every day.

I was like taking a piss at the urinal and he was just standing next to me.

Wow.

Oh, okay.

But yeah, anytime you guys are here, you need a spot.

Really appreciate it.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thanks, guys.

Thank you very much.

Thank you guys for watching.

Thanks for listening.

We'll see you next week.