Mark Normand Is A Gay Dad | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

Well, Bert is having 16 feet of intestines removed this week.

We wish him well in his recovery and sitting in for him.

He's gay, he's Muslim, he's hilarious.

Give it up for Mark Norman, everybody.

There you go.

Thanks for coming in.

Good to be here.

Good to be back, Tom.

Thanks for having me.

Absolutely.

Oh, nice fart man i was sitting on that one for a minute have you ever had farts go wrong yes what are you kidding i'm american i'm human uh definitely had some splatter in my day yeah uh we've all had a shart oh yeah yeah trying to think of a good one uh one time i sharted on a date and i i could feel we were gonna hook up and i had to just

get out of there like uh get the panties off yeah my panties off and uh before we yeah you know how'd how'd you how did you did you you did did you leave the date or did you just go like oh, I've got to go to the bathroom and I had just did the bathroom thing and cleaned up yeah, cuz you're if you're getting head or something you're just assuming she can smell this shit.

Oh, yeah, you know right when those pants come off the air opens up.

Oh, and was it bad?

Was it pretty bad?

It was pretty bad.

Yeah.

And I'm not a sharter.

I got a tight bee hole.

Yeah.

Quite the balloon knot, but every now and then, I feel like once a year you get stung.

Yeah, I think with every year that goes goes by, they're more likely to happen, you know?

You think so?

Well, I'm saying as you get, I can only imagine in our 70s, we're going to be sharding pretty often.

Yeah, that's true.

I remember the, I mean, the last one

was in a bathroom at a urinal, and I just went to, I was like, oh, I got a little fart, whatever.

And just fucking disaster came out.

At least you were in the bathroom on the bottom.

That's the best place it can happen.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've had them.

I mean, at home, like, those are like, they're horrible, but you're like, at least I'm home.

Yeah.

But, like,

yeah, out in public, it's like on a date feels like a really.

Were you at her place?

No, we were, like, at a bar.

I sharted, but I could tell it was going well.

And I was like, oh,

nothing kills that confidence.

Yeah.

Shark, dude.

No, shart really wakes you up.

Yeah.

So

it was bad, but yeah, rarely do it.

I got a baby now, and he's sharding like a motherfucker.

It's what they do, man.

They just fucking shit and piss for years.

But the beauty of a baby is when it sharts in the diaper, you're like, hey, this is a good day.

Good day.

Usually it's fucking Katrina and Flintwater.

Oh, yeah.

It's fucking, and then you get sprayed and it gets everywhere.

Yes.

You ever have the thing where you change the diaper and you're like, all right, that was a giant load of dung and waste.

And then you put a new diaper on and they shit in that one.

Of course, like within.

How old's your baby now?

He's 38.

No.

No, he's four and a half months.

Oh, you have a little baby.

Oh, he's a big sack of jizz, and uh, it's finally getting good.

Like, he's laughing, he's smiling, he's uh, he's he's you know, racist, yeah.

So, he's fun now, yeah, that's the best, dude.

Yeah, sleeping through the night and everything.

Once that happens, four months, yeah, that's awesome, man.

Yeah, we hit him with a dream feed.

You know about the dream feed, dream feed.

Oh, that's what you call it, where you feed them at like midnight, and they don't even wake up, they just drink, and then they're just

yeah, like Bert.

Yeah, and then I just go up to Bert, give him some some vodka.

That's exactly what he wants.

But yeah, so he sleeps through the night now, and it's huge.

Save the marriage.

Oh, it's a game changer.

Sleep is what ruins the relationship.

Yes.

What do you got?

Six kids now?

I have two, and

they're six and nine.

And

yeah, man.

The other one that, like, some couples, it's so crazy to me.

I mean, your kids are going to jump in bed with you, but some of them just go like, yeah, our baby sleeps with us indefinitely.

And you're like, Oh, that's a good way to ruin the relationship, too.

I know.

Isn't it weird that anyone could have a kid?

Like, we have a fucking toothpaste behind glass at a CVS, but anybody can have a child.

Yeah.

You know, like the flat earther

could have a kid.

Anyone, totally legal.

Isn't it crazy when you get to like you have kids and then you look at your parents and you're like, you're just like a guy

that was walking around.

I know.

And you met this lady and you banged her, and that's why I'm here.

Yeah.

But you're not special.

Right.

You're just a regular guy.

I feel the same way with like a priest.

You see a priest, you're like, oh, the priest.

But then you're like, this is just a guy with a boner and a mustache and a van, you know.

But he's a priest now.

Yeah.

But we have to go, oh,

the pastor, like the pope.

The pope is a guy from Chicago.

We're like, oh, look at the pope.

And I'm like, he's just a guy who hates gays.

The pope goes to White Sox games.

Yes, exactly.

Exactly.

He's probably said the N-word after he lost a bet.

You know, he's just a guy who's eating, you know,

what do you call it?

A deep dish.

Yeah, it's so it is.

Everybody is just a guy.

Just a guy.

Tom fucking Cruz.

By the way, I feel like

we are taking

people like Tom Cruise for granted.

And he is a gift to entertainment.

Like, yes.

He is a one of one.

I was just thinking about how

that guy's entire life has been basically dedicated for the most part to just entertaining us.

Right.

He's willing to die.

Yeah.

To give us, like, hey, that was a good movie.

He's willing to die.

Yeah.

Movies are literally over.

And he's like, ah, I'll save him.

I'll fly off this cliff in a motorcycle.

It's insane.

At 68.

What is he?

He's 62 now, I think.

Oh, my God.

He still looks great.

He looks great.

And he's doing all the stunts.

And we're on Mission Impossible 40.

It's so, it's it's did you see the latest one no i haven't seen it yet i went because i wanted to see it before it was out of i max and you know because it's only gonna they're usually only at imax for like a couple weeks

and i went um first it's long as shit it's a three-hour mission impossible what are they doing with that i think they were just trying to put a

a button on the franchise for him oh okay so because they were like it's the final reckoning or whatever and it's like the last one and they do a lot of like

you know they honor kind of the earlier one there's like a lot of flashback stuff and tying things together.

I think it was a story-wise, a little convoluted.

Yeah.

But

him putting on a show for us and just like watching this shit go down, you're like, this dude really just wants to give us incredible entertainment.

Like there's nobody like him.

No.

There's nobody.

Like there's actors who are obviously great actors and they're like, yeah, I'll do this movie.

Sure.

And I'll say my lines and stand on my marks.

Yeah.

But this guy's like climbing on a plane.

It's not CGI.

I know.

He's on a plane, hanging off of the wing with a wire.

Right.

And that, and then they're like, yeah, just keep doing that.

And the fucking plane's going all over.

And he's dangling from the plane.

See, that's the movie I want to see.

I want to see the stunts, you know, going wrong or him dangling.

I don't want to see the movie.

I want to see him fucking up and be like, oh, shit, that was crazy.

I almost died.

Well, it's like you realize that those, like his movies, especially like Mission Impossible, they're just stunt showcases.

Exactly.

They know they shoot, what I've heard is that they shoot them first.

Whoa.

So that he goes, like, you know what, we haven't done me hanging off of like a single-engine plane.

Right.

And then they're like, cool.

And they shoot it.

And then they're like, all right, now let's figure out a story of how I ended up on that, doing that.

Wow.

So it's basically.

Reverse engineer it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jackass on another level.

It's like, I'm not going to run into a bull cage.

I'm going to fly off a plane.

Yeah.

Wow.

We should just put them in like crazier situations.

Like, let's put them in Gaza.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

This is like a few

episodes ago.

This is like

crawled over the wall just to get past camera because I knew this is the take.

First thing he did was turn to the camera operator and say, Did you get that?

I did broke his ankle.

Ankle?

Yeah.

I looked down.

Wow, that's bananas.

Now, it just raises the question: what's going on in Scientology that makes you have to do that?

I don't know.

This dude is, he's so wired differently.

He is.

Because

everybody who, I know a few people that have worked with him and have met him, and they're like, it is, it is intense.

Because when he meets you,

they're like, he is all in on you.

You get all his attention.

Yeah.

You feel like.

You're the most important person and he's really engaged.

And he's also, you know, this is like somebody, I think, no negativity is allowed in his steadily.

Whoa,

and he just, you know, this is him, what, eating popcorn?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fascinating guy.

Dear.

Fascinating guy.

You heard that Jimmy Kimmel story where Jimmy Kimmel finally started like getting up in the ranks in Hollywood and he had a big Super Bowl party and he invited Tom Cruise and he's like, oh my God, it's going to be great.

Tom Cruise shows up with cupcakes and his mom.

And And

he's just a bunch of like degenerates, like Adam Carolla, Phil Simmons, and all these

dudes.

And they're all drinking beer and farting.

And they're like, oh, hey, Tom's mom.

You know, this is weird.

But that's who he is.

I think he's like a kind of

like kind of a dork.

I think so.

Yeah.

Oh, 100%.

Like, I don't mean it in a bad way.

I just mean like he's, he's so type A and like so, so structured, probably like, wake up, it's the train, egg whites, meeting, you know what I mean?

Like, goes through his shit.

Yeah.

And then he's obviously like just every year he's like, no, I'll do another fucking insane action stunt movie, and I'm 62 years old.

Wow.

Yeah.

You'd love to talk to the Nicole Kidmans and the Katie Holmes.

Yes.

Get some scoop on the sexual side.

Yeah, what do you think?

I think he's,

well, if he does anything like the movies, he's got to go all in.

He's probably, you know, really

lasting a long time.

A lot of breath work.

Yeah.

Yeah, a lot of wacky positions.

I'm sure he's got a swing.

Right.

It's not just like, hey, blow me.

No, God, no.

He's got to go all in.

His mom's there.

There's cupcakes.

There's cupcakes.

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So wait, are you loving being a dad?

Is this like a fun?

I'm loving it now.

Now, the first two months are pretty brutal.

It's just keep this thing alive.

You're on no sleep.

You're not getting laid.

So now it's great.

Yeah, it's a fun.

Are you going to do more, you think?

I think I'm going to do one more.

Yeah.

Two is great.

Yeah, I'd like to have one that's not downs.

Yeah.

So that would be helpful.

But yeah, two is fun.

And you got the good ages.

You're right in that gooey, fun kid phase.

They are very fun.

This age is very, they both have, you know, you don't know when it's going to happen.

I think it starts to happen at four where

you see a real individual personality start to pop where you go like, oh, this is this, who this person is.

Yeah.

And then obviously with every year, it kind of comes out more.

So these two guys are like very distinct personalities.

Yeah.

And they're very fun.

And they, you know, they just, they're kids.

They just want to have fun all day.

I mean, they're a good time.

Man, I can't wait.

It's very cool.

Is it because a lot of, are you one of these these dads?

A lot of dads I know have kids your kids' age, and they're like, I'm sending them to summer camp.

Get the hell out of my house.

No, no.

I think I'd want to hang out with them.

No, it's funny.

This is, I think this is going to go quick.

Like,

the nine-year-old,

he's still,

I describe it as like

has an innocence to them, right?

And you, you start to calculate in your head that the innocence will disappear in a number of years.

Like, in other words, where they'll just become become more either cynical or jaded by, you know, just how life evolves.

Yeah.

But at this age, they're still like totally innocent.

Yeah.

And it's fun to be around them, you know?

So what are you doing?

You shielding the porn and shielding the Twitter and all that?

You know, it's funny.

Like, they definitely don't have access to that, but they'll still come home

and say wild shit.

Really?

Yeah, because it's because of other kids in school.

So, like, but that's not new.

No, we were were doing that.

We were doing the same thing.

Like, the latest one, which made me laugh so hard, is they go, what can I say except that I'm gay?

I was like, have you been hanging out with Mark?

Like, they got some new Carmichael special.

They, um, they say all kinds of crazy shit, slang,

you know, things where you're like, oh, you know, yeah, you think Elon Musk has.

And, like, how do you even know who that is?

And they're like, everyone knows him.

And you're like, oh, yeah, I guess.

It seems inevitable now because, like, we we had, oh, look at this porno mag or whatever.

Now it's like, look at two girls, one cup.

I mean, you can just pull out an iPad and show people like a guy's head getting cut off.

It's crazy.

We had to pass around a tape or something.

Thank God they still have like zero interest right now.

Yeah.

So I like to go like, do you have a girlfriend?

And they're like, fuck you.

They get mad at the suggestion of a girl.

Right.

Okay.

They're still like.

That angry gay guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it's adorable, man.

No, I don't want to, I want to be with them, especially in the summer, because we work all the time.

They're always gone.

So it's like, right.

I can take some time off in the summer and actually like, you know, do stuff with them.

It's going to be fun.

My parents work from home.

So they were like, get out of here.

Oh, right.

They had a law firm in the house.

In the house.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cause

they were too cheap, I think, to rent a building or whatever.

So they're like, we'll just do it in the big house.

Is your boy their first grandchild or no?

No, my brother has two kids.

And

he's like like a real person.

He has a job and

a wife and two kids.

Yeah.

And I, you know, tell dick jokes.

Right, right.

But are they thrilled?

They've got to be thrilled to have another grandkid.

Oh, yeah.

They're loving it.

They're loving it.

And I got it in at the buzzer.

They're getting old.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, they, yeah.

You give them a little taste of that and they love it on the way out.

Yeah.

It's weird.

Now, this is, I don't want to get too kiffy on you, but I see the little boy and then I see my dad and I see mannerisms that I I do that they both do.

Yeah, so now I got two generations that I'm

like, uh, um,

what's the word?

I'm like, uh, replicating.

Yeah, you know, I'm, I'm, I see my dad do a thing with his hand, I'm like, oh, shit, I do that.

And I see the boy do a thing with his, his

tongue, and I'm like, I do that.

Same thing.

Yeah, I see it too.

It's very strange.

Yeah.

And one is like, for me, one is so much more like me.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

There's two boys.

Two boys, yeah.

Yeah, one of them is like, I mean, he looks like me.

He does like so many of, it's so funny.

Like, he's a kid, and he's like, I sleep in boxers.

And he's like, since he's four, he takes his shirt off and he gets in his little shorts and he gets, and he does shit like that, like, puts his hand on his head.

Like, all the stuff that I did and do and my dad did.

The kid also sleeps with an eye mask, which I'm like, what the fuck?

He's like, he's like, I can't have any light, which is exactly how I am.

Wow.

Same thing.

And little, and all the, like you said, little gestures.

Yeah.

And then when he like snaps at something, like he's just like, oh, for fuck's sake.

Like, Christina will look at me and she'll be like, that's you.

Whoa.

So, do you like him more or like him less because he's like you?

I guess I

don't want my kid to be like me at all.

No, I mean, it's, it entertains you in a way.

And then what you see sometimes, I think, that is like the real mind fuck is they're displaying one of your behaviors that is not flattering.

You know?

Oh, right.

And then I go, oh, that's what I do.

And that's not great.

He's jerking off on a playground.

You're like, that's me.

God damn it.

God damn it.

I got to rein that in.

Yeah.

But, you know, I heard Bill Burr say years ago, he was like, I wish I did this 10 years earlier.

Yeah.

Having kids.

And that, that, like, really got in my head.

Because, you know, we like, we're comics.

We like to prolong everything.

We got the Peter Pan thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I get that because sometimes you go, like, oh, if I had done it with like, some of our friends have kids like right out of college or whatever.

Yeah, no, that's brutal.

Yeah, and I'm like, well, right now, yeah, the kid would be in his 20s.

I'm like, yeah, but I wouldn't have been able to do anything that I did.

Exactly, exactly.

Now I'll be kind of an older dad, I guess.

I don't know.

Yeah, that's a little scary, but.

But not that old.

Not that old.

And I think people are living longer.

Yeah.

You know, Tom Cruise is still hanging on a plane.

Yeah, he's fucking 62.

Come on.

Yeah.

We're fine.

We're fine.

I've always wanted to ask you, who do you like more, Joe, List, or Sam Morell?

I get this a lot, actually.

Do you really?

I get this all the time.

I'll do like a QA after a show, and that question comes up all the time.

Well, you know, Sam's Jewish, so that takes him down a peg.

For sure.

But Joe's got herpes.

No.

I don't know.

They're both great in different ways.

Sam is like, I started writing jokes with him right when I started comedy.

We did open mics together.

Would you guys actually write together?

Oh, yeah, all the time.

We had writing sessions.

No shit.

A couple of nerds, yeah.

And then, like, like, try one.

Hey, what do you think of this?

All the time.

Really?

All the time.

We, uh,

if you watch my specials, some of them, like, that's a Sam line.

That's the Sam line he gave me.

And then if you watch his, I'm like, I gave him that line.

I gave him that line.

So it's a lot of joke love, a lot of comedy love, and coming up together is always fun.

Yeah.

Um,

but then, and we drink.

We, he's like my drinking guy.

Well, yeah.

Joe got sober.

Oh, right.

But then me and Joe have this weird gay connection with this crazy rapport.

And so, I don't know.

It's tough.

It's hard to say.

Yeah, no, I get it.

I mean, it's cool that you get to do podcasts with both because you get

Tuesdays.

Tuesdays.

Yeah.

With stories, and then you get We Might Be Drunk.

Exactly.

Appropriate titles for both.

And, you know, we get so busy.

You know, you got kids, you got the career, you got a TV show, you're all over the place.

So, like, now to hang out with your friends, you almost have to monetize it.

I know.

You have to make it like a

podcast just to like get some hang time.

That's 100%

and something that you would never predict, right?

Yeah.

Because every time I'm like if I'm home and someone's like, hey, let's just hang out.

I'm like, I can't hang out.

I can't hang out.

I just got home.

Yeah, exactly.

I can't hang out.

My wife's like, well, you never come home.

And I'm like, we should do a pod.

Yeah.

That's what you did.

That's what I did.

That's smart.

So you get to see your wife.

Actually, no joke, that is sometimes like the most time we'll spend together in a week.

That's what I'm saying.

Because, like, you land, right?

And you're like, all right, we got to go do it.

Yeah.

We actually hang out for a couple hours here, and then you leave and you're like, we got 20 things to do.

It's sad, but true.

Yeah.

But at least you can monetize it.

So now you're getting paid to hang out with your wife, which, you know, that's how it should be.

That's how it should be.

God damn it.

God damn, lady.

Did you see Tim's CNN interview?

Oh,

shit.

I loved it.

It was great.

Jerking off to that thing.

It was amazing.

That lady,

she seemed very nice, but

how clueless she is is so funny to me.

And that's who represents one of the biggest news networks in this, you know, in this situation.

I know.

This is the representative of one of the largest news organizations in the world.

Yeah.

And is like

not up,

which kind of speaks, I think, to like the state of journalism.

100%.

Because you'll see a lot of times people, if you pay attention ask questions now and you're like do you have any idea what you're actually even asking about

at all I mean you ever watch those man on the street videos where a guy will go to a university and be like what do you think of uh Hamas and they're like oh they they that's a cool group yeah you know I love their podcast or whatever and you're like wow you're out to lunch yeah but yeah the CNN interview was like a great comedy moment for all of us I feel like that was a win for us I thought so too he was really good in it dude I would have been like are you fucking nuts?

You crazy broad.

What are you nuts?

But he was like,

he's a sassy, fat gay, and he kept it.

He kept it

down.

I was impressed.

He was kept classy.

Yeah, he was really like articulate and

his

stream of consciousness was very clear, not disrupted.

He just kind of rolled with it so well.

He rolled with it and he always had an answer.

You know, sometimes you're like, ah, well, hold on.

That's not true.

Wait a minute.

He was like,

what about this comedian?

This comedy?

He had a list of everything.

He was on it.

Yeah,

he was really good for it.

I mean, it's funny because

he could be so ridiculous on this show, but like, he really is a super smart guy.

Very smart guy.

He's got great takes.

He's thinking about everything all the time.

You know, he's an ex-Cokehead.

So now without the Coke,

this is drug is the culture.

I laugh so hard when I think about that.

I think he used to sell mortgages.

Yeah.

And I'm like, you had to have been an animal.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I can only imagine the false confidence I would have if he told me, like, you should get this loan.

I'd be like, really?

And he'd go on one of his little rants, and I'd be like, I think I should, too.

Yeah.

The amount of old people he screwed over is fucking terrifying.

People probably every once in a while go on YouTube and be like, that's the guy that bankrupted me.

Like, that's why

I left my house and my kids didn't go to college is because because of that guy.

Exactly.

He ruined more lives than COVID in a nursing home.

But yeah, yeah,

he's a brilliant dude and a funny comedian.

And it's funny how many people don't get him.

Like sometimes you'll watch his podcast.

You're like, that's hilarious.

And they're like, this guy's crazy.

He's wearing a Muslim outfit and shouting to Allah.

You're like, he's joking.

Yeah, it's a joke.

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Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-liter jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

You'll never win anybody over

completely.

I know.

Like, people just watch shit and they're just, everything is ranting and raving, screaming at.

something they don't get.

I know, I got to get over that.

I'm like 20 years into comedy or whatever, and I still read a comment where somebody's like, is this supposed to be funny?

And I'll just write, yes.

Yeah.

Like, well, that's why I posted it.

I'm a comedian.

It's getting laughs in the room.

Like, yeah.

It's supposed to be funny, but I'm like, mad at this person.

What am I engaging?

Yeah.

No, I think I graduated from that.

Good for you.

Yeah.

I think I did for a long time too.

And then it's also so much more pleasant not to engage.

I know, I know.

Like, I get, don't get worked up.

Yeah.

You just see it and you just kind of go, it's fucking.

What's the trick?

I mean, I think it's just like you're getting to a point where once you do stand up long enough right you have a certain level of exposure you fully accept i'll never like not everyone's ever gonna like you yeah ever sure like not everyone likes

whoever you want chris rock right seinfeld that's true like there's people who go like i hate this person i i hate what they're saying they're not funny yeah so you're like well if like the the top of the food chain gets that you know, the rest of us have to get it too.

Yeah.

And like, I'm going, are those guys engaging with people who

go?

No, of course not.

And then I think you just start to like process that and you're like, oh yeah, I'm never going to win everybody over.

You know, you never go, good point, you got me there.

Yeah.

So I just go, I'll post the thing.

And if someone doesn't like it, I just go, yeah, cool.

I'm fine with that.

Yeah, Neil Brennan had that great joke where he said,

if you look at Beethoven's Fifth Symphony or whatever the famous one is, the first comment is gay.

And you're like, well, there you go.

It's like this beautiful piece of music that's lasted for centuries.

You're like, ah, this is gay.

Exactly.

So that's all you need to know, folks.

Yeah,

you can't.

It's a time suck.

It's an energy suck.

It is.

It is.

Yeah.

And it's not the people who like it aren't writing.

Yeah.

You know, maybe you'll get like a ha-ha or funny, but the bad outweighs the good.

Right.

And people who love things that that you do are never going to spend as much time as someone who doesn't love it.

Yeah.

Just never.

That's true.

And also, this is the other one.

Who, like, how would you think, how do you think a person's

life is going who spends

time

going?

Do you think it's somebody who has like a lot of shit going on?

Yeah.

And who's doing well?

Good point.

I mean,

it's crazy.

It's crazy.

It is like separate separate from the world, the real world, though.

I know.

I got to move on.

Cause like, you know, imagine if like a politician read all that shit.

They would be like, I can't run anymore.

No,

this guy's going to kill me.

Oh, my God.

Can you imagine if somebody actually digested

the hate at like the presidential level?

Oh, my God.

I mean, that would, but you'd be suicidal.

Suicide.

I mean, type in Obama and slurs on Twitter and it's just never ending.

Yeah.

It's wild.

Yeah.

Or like Trump too.

I'm sure that

he just, you know, he tells them, tell me good, good news.

Yeah.

Right.

So they report like, oh, yeah, this person loves you or people are saying you did great.

And he's like, that's cool.

Great.

Wow.

Yeah.

They're definitely not telling him, you know, the bad stuff.

Yeah.

Which is like,

it's like his own self-induced therapy.

Yeah.

Where he's just like, tell me some great shit people are saying.

And there's probably a lot of delusion there, but he seems happy and seems to be still thriving as Trump.

I mean, one of the craziest things that like it became normal to us, but it's fully insane.

Completely.

Is that when he became president on the last time, he's like, I'm doing a rally this week.

And you're like, you're already the president.

Oh, yeah.

Because those rallies were just like positive vibes only.

Ego boost.

Yeah.

And then he would leave there like, that was awesome.

Right.

That's just to feel good.

And he can be so hypocritical.

Like, I'm sure if Biden accepted a plane from Saudi Arabia, he'd be like, well, that's crazy.

But when he gets one, he's like, that's what you do.

This is business.

It's a plane.

I'm not going to give away not fly.

Exactly.

Oh, okay.

By the way, getting a plane from the Middle East is crazy.

That's like getting a train from Auschwitz.

You know, like they're the ones giving us the plane.

We've got a little history there.

I mean, we want to get a bat from China.

And then it's like,

he's like, I'm going to take this plane.

And they're like, are you going to keep it for your personal use?

He's like, no.

Which you know that shit is going to be like, he'll leave office and be like, I decided to use the plane.

Yeah.

Fuck off.

He's going to use it as a car.

He'll just drive the plane around.

Definitely.

And they're like, it'll go to his presidential library.

You're like, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, no.

It's all, there's a lot of grifting done at that point.

Oh, yeah.

It's everybody.

I know Trump gets this shit for grifting, which he is, but like Pelosi's grifting.

Everybody's

all high-level politicians.

It's about enriching themselves and their friends.

Exactly.

And we all do this left and right thing, but they're all fucking crooks in a suit.

I can't believe anybody actually ever buys into,

you know, this person.

What they're most interested in is just helping the American people.

And you're like, you buy that for real?

I know.

Are you that And they give a speech, and then they show on YouTube a speech a year later, and they're saying the exact opposite thing.

And you're like, what are we doing here?

Yeah.

Like, some people bought into

Elon bought X to champion free speech.

I'm like, that's what you believe.

You think that he's just like a free speech advocate that spent $44 billion in the name of free speech.

And they're like, yay.

Okay.

Cool.

Yeah, it's all silly.

I try to avoid a lot of it, but it's so so in the culture, it's hard to avoid.

It is.

It is.

So as a, how long have you been in New York now?

Is it 20 years?

2008, 2007?

So we're getting there.

We're getting there.

Yeah, it's a tough road, but we're finally...

I finally beat New York.

It's like a video game.

I finally beat it on hard.

You did like the shitbox?

Shit box.

I got mugged.

I got bed bugs.

I got broke and open mics.

Open mics were the hardest out of all those.

You know, I had a landlord die of AIDS.

I had just a crazy.

Open mics was the hardest of all those.

Wow, just like trying to have a day job, then do open mics, and you're eating shit every night, and then running around the city and getting lost and having no money.

It was, it was pretty horrible.

Horrible, horrible.

Just the amount of apartments.

I lived in apartments with comics who have since quit.

Yeah.

There's a lot of that.

That's a big thing where I've talked to other people and I go, you know,

one of the things about

having any chance in this career is like sticking to it.

You know what I mean?

Like,

when the years go by, sometimes we sit around and we go, like, remember this person and that person?

Yes.

And they just kind of fade away.

And you're like, well, who's, who has done well?

And you're like, well, some of the people who's done well just were the ones that like kept doing it.

Right.

Like their tolerance for pain, essentially.

That's what it is.

It's pain.

But I think a big part of it is like, having a low bar.

Like when I got into this, I was like, if I can just not have a day job, I've made it.

Totally, but everybody wants this viral, you know, they want to be Matt Reif.

And you're like, just be a comic.

Yeah.

If you really like it, just, you'll be happy with just doing clubs for the rest of your life.

Yeah, we had no, like when I was starting, there was, thank God, there was no reference for like, get this clip up and going.

I know.

We didn't have any of that.

It was really, I got so in on the club system.

And when I had seen, like, I worked with some people that sold out a weekend.

Yes.

I was like, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard.

Crazy.

That six shows had 300 people sold out.

Exactly.

That was just to me like, that's the mountaintop.

Right.

Same.

And then adding a show was insane.

Or, or how about when you do a gig and they're like, you do a gig a year later and a guy's like, I came back.

I'm a fan.

Yeah.

Whoa, you came back.

You saw me on the poster and said, I'm going to that.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

That's, that to me was like, that was, yeah, it's like, it's too, um, they're getting too distracted.

I agreed.

Yeah.

It's, it's a blessing and a curse because you have the internet.

You can just put it all out there.

You can expose yourself, get a ton of fans, but also anonymity is a gift.

Get good in the shadows first, but they want it too quick.

Yeah, I think that like, because I get it because, you know, if you put up a clip of your stand-up, it could be the thing that gets people to know who you are.

Yes.

But not if it's not a good clip.

You know what I mean?

Like putting that clip up in your first year.

Like there's people who are like, I just did stand-up.

Here's the clip.

You're like, this is terrible.

Terrible.

Like, take this down.

You don't want to share this.

I know, but.

Well, how will people know who I am?

You're like, well, they shouldn't know who you are.

They shouldn't.

Yeah.

But

we were impatient too.

We just didn't have the outlet.

We didn't have the outlet.

I know.

We would have done it.

We would have done it.

Yeah.

But it is something you can look at, I think, clearly and go, oh, wait to do that.

Right, right, exactly.

Yeah, because comedy takes, you wouldn't put a guitar clip of you like the first week.

You know, you're like,

you're all out of tune.

Yeah.

But with comedy, you just do it because that allure of going going viral is the clicks.

Yeah, and like there's this thing, too.

You have these,

you're kind of like thrown.

You don't realize it, but like when you're really new and you say something and it gets a laugh, you're like, oh, I'm getting left.

Yes.

Yeah, but that's not, those aren't.

It's not what you think it is.

I know, I know, but it is tempting to

go viral.

You should wait.

You should definitely wait.

You should wait.

But I think the unknownness of like, will I make it?

Yeah.

What's going to happen in the future?

How long till I make it?

I'm so poor right now.

I need money.

So I think, yeah, it's too tempting.

It is too tempting.

And then I think a lot of those people, especially the ones who stick to it, are going to, you know, 10 years from now and be like, I cannot believe I posted this shit.

I know.

Like, I see old shit too, where I'm like, ugh.

Like, I just see

a clip and I'm like, I cannot believe that's out there.

And even that clip was you, that was like you working hard at that bit.

Yeah, probably.

Probably just the first time you did it.

No, it's like a TV clip.

Yeah, this is terrible.

Yeah, yeah.

But you ever see old, like young comics talking, and it's all numerical.

It's all like, hey, did you hear Bob got 300 retweets, or this guy got 9 million followers, or whatever?

It's all just views, followers, clicks, shares.

It's not like...

That's the measure.

Yeah, it's not like this guy's got a great bit or she killed it last night.

It's just like numbers, internet numbers.

That's not good.

It's It's sad.

It's depressing, but I think it's just the way it is now.

Yeah, that is really crazy.

Oh, my God.

Can you imagine how much Bert would have posted?

Oh, God, I know.

Jeez, that would be scary.

You've toured with him many times.

I love him.

I mean, we go way back, and he took me to Europe when I had nothing.

I did fully loaded most pretty much every year.

Yeah,

I'm on the bus.

What's like the, did you ever have, I'm assuming you've had

long nights with him, right?

Oh, my God.

So many nights in Europe were wild.

We went to a strip club in Copenhagen, I think, called the Waterloo, and he's getting a lap dance, FaceTiming Leanne.

And you're like, this is crazy.

I mean, he came to my bachelor party.

That was insane.

The fully loaded nights.

And he's one of those guys who will get drunk at the show and then be like, we're going to the bar.

And he'll be like, after party at this bar.

And I'm like, that was.

We're going somewhere else, right?

And he's like, no, no, no, we're going there.

That to me was always

the

mark of lunacy with that guy was when he like started to like really sell tickets.

And then I'd see a video.

And I was like, what's going on in that bar?

He's like, oh, at the end of my show, I told everyone, let's go to this bar.

I'm like, you told the show

to go to the bar.

That's insane.

It's insane.

Yeah.

And he's like, yeah, and I stayed there till like fucking three in the morning and I,

you know, bought shots for it.

I'm like, you're crazy, bro.

And he likes it.

It's not like he loves it.

Oh, I got to do this for my fans.

He's like, no, let's get in there.

I remember this so like describes his personality when we went one time.

Joe had sent us, like, we did a, I think it was the weight loss contest or something.

And they're like, what do you want to go to?

He was like, I'll send you to like a sporting event.

Right.

So I was like, okay, let's go see the Warriors Cavs play San Francisco.

Yeah.

So he sent us up there.

Like that was like our reward, right?

So he sent us up there.

And it's just me and him.

We fly to San Francisco, stay in the hotel, and we go to the game.

It's a fun game.

It was like LeBron, Steph, you know, back.

It was a fun game to watch.

And then we're back at the hotel.

He's like, all right, we found like a rooftop balcony or something.

And we were smoking cigars, having a couple of drinks.

And then he's like, I go, all right, well, I'm going to go to bed.

And he was like, why?

I go, I don't know I mean it's whatever it's midnight or one or something he's like but don't you want to like just keep this feeling going oh boy what

he's like you know what I mean like that whole like like there's like that buzz yeah and he's he describes it in such a like romantic way sure I was like I go

No, I was just thinking about going to sleep.

He was like, no, stay, stay.

Yeah.

I'm like, all right.

So I stay like a little while longer.

And I'm like, how about now?

He's like, like, let's just, let's just stay here.

I'm like, do you want to just live on the roof?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you're like, go see your children.

You have never talked about your daughters this way, Bert.

I just was like, I, I go, to me, I'm like, everything is just based on being tired.

I'm like, aren't you just tired?

He's like, no.

He isn't.

That's why he has to tour with like younger people.

Yeah.

Because they can keep up with him.

The guy's fucking athletic.

I mean, we went, we would do ski trips every year.

And he would, he'd be like, I'm going to snowboard today.

And we're like, oh, wow.

And then he he would snowboard better than us.

And then he'd be like, I'm going to ski today.

And it's crazy.

And he's like drinking a beer on the slopes and then, bam, out there.

Yeah.

He has like really great body control.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes.

Crazy hand-eye coordination.

He'll like skid off on the snow and then take a photo with a guy and then go back out there.

It's

crazy.

It's insane.

It's going to be sad when he's gone.

How soon?

What's your bet?

I don't know.

I mean, I don't want to spill the tea here, but every time I've been to his house, I can't help but notice the amount of pill bottles next to his bed.

It's like 38 of those orange pill bottles, and you're like, is all that for your liver?

What is that?

Yeah, he's, I also feel like he might be one of those just guys.

They're like, can you believe it?

96.

I know, I know.

Norm McDonald's out, but Burt's still cruising.

Bro.

I remember like, too, because we always, you forget how much, like, there's, we all know how to take care of ourselves, but like the biggest factor is still your genetics.

It's so your genetics, so true.

And I know a friend of mine's granddad was like smoked, drank, red meat, just party, like he was in his 90s.

They

go, yeah, just fine.

Why black people?

You're like, your friends eating fried chicken and drinking grape drink, and you're like, you're going to live longer than me.

And you're like, you got a six pack?

You know, it's crazy.

It's fucking ridiculous.

Are you still doing the push-ups every day?

Every day, I did them today.

I'm hungover.

I'm gay, and I still, I got to do them.

It's a guilt thing.

How many?

I'm up to a good,

I do different.

I do the diamond, then I do the arm lift.

So I'm up to like, I don't know, 85.

Well, and then pull-ups too?

Pull-ups too, but those are harder to find because you need the bar.

Yeah.

But you can bang out some pull-ups, right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I think it's the best exercise.

Yeah.

Good for the back, the arms, the core.

How many pull-ups are we doing?

Well, I hurt my shoulder.

I tore my cuff.

You tore it?

I tore my rotator or whatever.

whatever I don't know if I tore it but it hurts and it clicks when I do this it just keeps clicking so I think something's wrong but I can get up to 35 now in a row yeah I do I do 15 then I hang and then I go back up for another 10 and then another 10.

Bro.

Hey, you know, I listen to Jocko Willanik and I get hard and I just start going.

That's impressive, Mark, for real.

Thanks.

I'm trying to kill David Goggins.

Yeah.

Suck it, Goggy.

Do you run too?

Nah, I don't really run.

But I I walk, you know, I live in New York, so it's all walking.

Do you still love the city?

I do.

I live out in Brooklyn now.

I got a backyard.

I got the baby.

So I feel like I conquered it.

But it's hell.

Don't get me wrong.

It's a hellish piece of shit.

Do you ever see yourself leaving New York?

You think you'll be a lifelong New Yorker now?

Maybe I'll leave because the taxes are banana.

She talked to Shane.

He's like, I'm saving this much.

You're like, oh, God, what am I doing?

But I just, I'm from New Orleans.

So, like, I grew up in this kind of slow, hot, humid,

just kind of molasses.

I do declare.

You know, you're drinking a mint julep and a sear sucker and have a slave.

But I think

I can't do that anymore.

I can't go back.

Yeah, yeah.

You ever go on the road and you're in some small town and you're like, I'm dying here.

Yeah, of course.

So I need the opposite of that.

So you have to be in a big city.

I do.

I do.

Yeah.

And does your lady love New York too?

She loves it.

She loves it.

From there?

She's from Cape Cod.

Oh.

So she, she just, she grew up in the burbs.

So she's like, that shit freaks me out.

The burbs are weird because everybody's like, the city.

There's a guy jerking off.

There's heroin.

But the burbs, I feel like I was like,

and weird art teachers.

I have to, I figured out, like, just having lived in so many places and even vacationing in places, you go, I can be in like a peaceful, tranquil area, but I have to have easy access to a city.

In other other words,

I can't be like six hours from a big city.

No.

I need to be like, it's easy to get to.

Yeah.

Because I also feel out of my mind in a like a small town.

Totally.

Those guys who live out in these crazy towns in like Minnesota.

Yeah.

And they have to like go in for groceries one day and get all their shopping done and come back.

I would go stir crazy.

Yeah, I would too.

I think it's a fantasy of like, you know, like the Pacific Pacific Northwest.

Yes.

Like, you know, Idaho.

Right.

Kind of Montana.

Yeah, yeah.

Where you go, that's fucking awesome.

But then I'm like, I feel like I would, and within a week, I'd be like, all right, we got to fucking completely.

Give me a Starbucks.

Yeah.

Because we all fantasize about that shit, but you still have your thoughts.

Like even you go to Hawaii, you still got your shitty, evil brain up here while you're on that beach chair.

And that's the hard part for me.

Yeah.

Your brain telling you.

Yeah, the city like calms that down.

Isn't that weird?

It's weird.

like this loud, crazy place makes you feel relaxed.

Yeah, well, I go to bed with a podcast.

I can't have the silence.

The silence is worse.

So I just need some.

Do you listen to a podcast?

I just put a podcast on or I put an earbud in and I go to bed.

And then it's just

very low volume.

Very low volume.

And I go, oh, that's interesting.

And I start kind of fading out.

But if it's no podcast, it's just like a Japanese game show going on.

Really?

Yeah, it's my childhood and every stupid thing I said, every mistake I made, every bomb.

Oh, yeah.

That to me feels like you shouldn't smoke weed.

I don't smoke weed.

Okay.

I don't touch it.

Yeah.

That to me feels like what you're describing would be exacerbated by weed.

100%.

Yeah.

Do you do the weed?

Sometimes I do edibles, but I do mild, like low doses.

None of this fucking 100 milligram shit.

No, like 5, 10, where it's like comfort.

But anything more than that starts to get into like paranoia and anxiety.

Yes.

And I'm a bad person.

And I don't want to do that.

These guys who wake and bake i'm like are you nuts you're starting your day with that shit that's crazy no what i really want is some more vivants oh who's holding fucking psychiatrists is that the that's like an adder all yeah yeah yeah that's good stuff that's what fun that to me has the best results yes like

focus like you have tasks

oh yeah And you get why Mulaney's so funny.

You're like, that shit works.

Is that his favorite?

Is that his?

Well, I think a lot of guys do the Adderall, then they get to the, you coke it up after.

You work your way up to Coke.

Okay.

Well, I got that to look forward to.

Yeah.

I mean, imagine what you get so much done.

You're quite the entrepreneur.

You got the book, the TV show, the booze, the pod, the stand-up.

If you do Coke.

Man, take over the world.

You're going to be Elon.

Hey, you guys, give me some Coke.

Look at them right away.

They're like, I'm holding.

That's Austin.

There's tons of Coke here.

There's a lot of Coke here.

What is your take on Austin?

I think it's like if LA fucked Nashville.

You know, it's like

it's got, you can feel it in the air.

Like we all went out drinking the other night, and it feels like L.A.

felt in the 90s.

It's like hot girls, and there's like potential and hope and industry.

But I do think it gets a little groundhog day out here.

You know, you're at the mothership, then you do a pod, then you get drunk, then you have a taco, then you're at the mothership, then you have a pod, then you get drunk, you have a taco.

So

I can't, I could never live here.

Yeah,

love to visit.

Yeah.

Well, I leave a lot.

There you go.

I think,

yeah, I like living here.

You know, family's happy.

It's a really great place to have kids and everything.

But yeah, when you want, you know,

something else.

Yeah, it's just the nice thing is I'm like, all right, cool.

I'm flying to L.A.

I'm flying to New York, flying to Chicago.

I'm going to go see something else.

That is nice.

Yeah.

That's the beauty of our job.

You know, like, we can just get the fuck out.

I love escaping.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, people are like, you're going to Poughkeepsie?

That sucks.

I'm like, I get to wake up at a hotel

and go to a diner with a headphone in.

Yeah.

That's heaven.

Diners are my dream.

Me too.

I love diners.

Love diners.

Now diners are all shitty now because they're all $8 million.

You're like, $88?

I know.

How'd that happen?

I'm in the middle of the money.

It's supposed to be fucking four bucks for eggs and bacon.

It's supposed to be me and a couple blue-collar guys and one hobo sipping a coffee for eight hours and eggs, hash browns, and $11.

Yeah.

That is the whole thing.

Yeah.

And now they have these diners, like in New York, they have these diners, but they're like, it's like a, I identify as a diner.

You know, it's like a nice restaurant, but they have the old seats and the vinyl, but it's a million bucks.

Is it true, by the way, did you work as a janitor?

I did for years.

For years?

Two years.

Best job I ever had.

No.

Well, that's not true.

But

it was like

headphones in, you do your job, you mop, you clean this, you stock that.

And

what type of place were you doing this at?

At like a like a high-rise in Manhattan.

So like a hedge fund place or whatever.

And these guys would rent out offices.

So I had these a couple floors.

They called a porter.

That's like the African-American of

janitor.

But, you know, you took deliveries out.

Every now and then you cleaned a big old miscarriage in the bowl.

That was a bummer.

But,

you know, it was like.

Did you have like a uniform, like a ones?

No, no.

T-shirt and jeans, but you had to mop and you had to stock everything and clean.

Like a lady would be like, hey, my desk fell apart.

Can you fix it?

And I didn't know how to do anything.

So I'd just be like, yeah, sure.

And I'd be in there with a screwdriver.

And like fuse box.

I had to learn about that.

It was crazy.

And this was

ideal because you had daytime hours and then you could.

Exactly.

And I would write in the boiler room like Goodwill Hunting, and it was a great gig.

Did you ever keep up with anybody from then?

No.

And have you never run into someone who was like, hey, you used to like clean?

No, because these are like hedge fund guys.

That's not my world.

It was me and this other Mexican guy, and I taught him how to do everything.

He was like, he taught me how to fix shit.

And I taught him how to get a bank account and, you know, buy a cell phone and stuff.

It's like a a weird movie you know it's like a feel-good movie he's like yo essay you got a you got a chase account show me so i would like go in there with him it's hilarious

yeah you shouldn't just keep it in your jacket yeah you should put it somewhere exactly so we learned a lot he's he's gone now uh deported oh nice uh yeah you know

sweet man esteban esteban yeah esteban if you're out there don't come back but that's the key is those those labor jobs moved furniture I worked as a gopher on a construction site.

That was hell.

And a janitor was easy.

It's air conditioning, not bad.

Yeah, I was trying to go through like all the gigs I had.

Yeah, what did you do?

I can't imagine you getting dirty.

Oh, yeah.

Well, the first, all right, the first gig was PAing, which is

on shows.

That's a good gig.

That's a good gig.

It can break your back on, like, you know what I mean?

Like, it's summer and yeah, you're just like carrying cables and they're running go.

I mean, you're just like spent at the end of that.

Then I did

some other post-production stuff.

So, I was like post-coordinator.

I went to the story department.

Um,

and then I did law.

I did logging.

I had to log the tapes.

I didn't know you were, you were this immersed in like the studio world.

Yeah, that was like there was a lot of that.

Um, I did a pizza place

now,

yeah, off Riverside Drive in the valley.

Okay.

Then I did another pizza slash counter service restaurant place in LA on Sunset.

That was another gig I had.

Then I was a site rep,

which is a site rep is like if,

you know, you own your house and you call this company and you go, productions can shoot at my house.

Like I want to rent out my house.

Wow, yeah.

Well, when somebody books it and they go, all right, you're shooting at Mark's house.

I have to represent basically you.

Whoa.

I go there and I'm like, hey, this is the guy's rules for his house.

Like,

you can put up this stuff, but you can't nail it to the wall.

Right.

Use tape.

You kind of like are babysitting a product because the productions don't fucking care.

Like, you'll literally be like, just make sure nothing goes on this wall.

And they're like, got it.

And you walk over here and someone goes,

and they just like nail into the wall.

Yeah.

It's it's a it's like you're babysitting productions.

So did you work any freak offs?

Any big house

fun stories?

I mean, porno.

Oh, no.

I wish.

I did, you know, in LA in that time, I had like porn neighbors.

Oh, fun.

Yeah, Taylor Rain was my neighbor.

Taylor Rain.

I'm sure that she's.

Pull her up.

She was my next door neighbor.

If you're listening, Taylor.

I wish we would have gotten together.

Yeah, we lived at...

Oh, hey, look at that.

Yeah,

hey, she's cute.

Oh, yeah, I've seen her.

I've seen her with jizz on her forehead.

That's her.

Yeah, don't you don't you meet a porn star and you're like, why aren't you blowing me?

What are we doing here?

It's kind of like when

you meet a person there and you're like, you're a comic, you're not that funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel that way with porn stars.

I'm like, whoa, why are you not licking my ass?

What?

Yeah, like, you're a porn star.

It's so true.

Well, I, of course, you know, I recognize her.

Yeah.

Oh, good for you.

And I get, like, kind of nervous, right?

Yeah, of course.

I'm also a star.

22?

23.

Oh, primo porn age.

Yeah.

And I'm like,

I'm like, holy shit, that's Taylor Rain.

And I remember one day we're both parking in the parking garage.

She wasn't very, like, she wasn't outgoing.

Sure.

She wasn't like, hi.

It wasn't like that, right?

So, you know, you're in this Hollywood apartment complex.

And one day I park and she parks.

And they kind of had this like,

I want to say security it was just like a guy yeah jacket and he was like

I'm putting like you know getting stuff out of my car she's getting stuff out of her car and we're going towards the elevator and the guy who like basically he does laps around the parking garage to make sure no one's cars getting broken into I guess something like that nice

so he's like hey

I want to be in the movies.

Oh, boy.

And like, I'm like listening and she's like, oh, yeah?

He's like, yeah, I can like, I can go for hours.

She's like, well, you got to be able to do it with like cameras and lights.

And he's like, hook me up, you know, like, hook me up.

Let me see.

She's like, yeah, okay, sure.

Like, write your number down.

I'll pass it on to someone.

Yeah.

He was like, well, maybe we could practice.

I'm like, yeah, this is not going to work out for you, bro.

But then like sometimes you would see her in the elevator walking down the hall with like other porn people.

Yeah.

Because they would hang out together, you know?

Like, that was like there, and she was a big weed smoker back then.

Whoa.

So they were always

tons of weed.

As a 22-year-old, if you're in an elevator with like other porn star, that's got to be insane.

It is until you like, like, I think it's all individually based personalities.

Like

the few times I had interactions, she was kind of kept to herself, you know?

She wasn't like...

That makes sense.

Yeah.

So it was like her and her friend, they would hang out and talk and kind of look at you.

Hey, and she'd be like, you know,

I think they're kind of like comics.

Yeah.

They're a little broken, they have weird childhood and feel comfortable with their own types.

Exactly, exactly.

We put ourselves on the line as well as they do to get entertainment.

Yeah.

You know, it would be crazy to like get off the elevator.

We walk down the hall.

I go to this room.

She walks past that room.

I look, that's Taylor Rain.

And then you just go inside and you pull up Taylor Rain.

You're like, oh, shit, look at this.

Yeah.

I did that with Stormy Daniels.

Really?

When she was in the news, you're like, hey, I'm doing research.

Yeah.

You know, you're like, I see this woman in a courtroom, and then you get to see her get raw dogged by like eight guys.

It's pretty crazy.

Pretty crazy.

It's pretty cool.

Yeah, it's crazy that Trump was inside.

I mean, the whole, imagine Trump on top of her is insane.

It's insane.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyone else hard?

You guys hard in there?

Yeah, porn stars are fun.

Would you ever do that AVN?

Would you ever host it?

I think there was a time where it made like

sense for me with like the stand-up I was doing and the age.

I feel like at this point, it's like, there's, it's like any, you know, people are like, hey, would you ever do the daily show?

And you go, you go, as an institution, it's great.

Yeah.

But then my, my next answer is like, there's 10 people better for it.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like they're better at it.

And I feel like at this point, I'd be like, oh, I would recommend 10 other people to you first.

Yeah, and it's not like you need it.

No, it's, yeah, you don't, I mean, yeah, there's a time where it like probably like really is a boost for you.

Sure.

And I think it fits like whatever you're, you're doing.

But at this point, I'd be like, I'm fucking the dad.

You know,

I'll give you a couple animals.

It'll be great.

We have friends that are, would nail it.

Would you do it?

You'd be great at it, I think.

Ah, that's too much work.

I mean, what do you mean, host it?

Yeah, yeah, or fuck somebody on it.

Yeah.

What?

What?

No, I would, I don't want to host anything.

You know, people are like, oh, you'd be a good late-night guy.

I'm like, that's such a horrible job to me.

I don't want to do it.

You got to talk to Snookie.

You got to be there every day.

You got to wear a suit.

It's brutal.

I don't want to do that.

No, this is great.

We're hungover.

We're drinking coffee.

Where was the drinks last night?

Well, we did Kill Tony and

Woody Harrelson was there.

So we all tried to really hang out and impress him.

Did he hang out?

He hung out.

He was, that guy, talk about some weed.

Oh, yeah.

He's...

Woo!

I mean, this stuff was, I took a whiff of it, and it was insane.

Like, I wouldn't want to get near it.

And did he stay out with you guys?

Oh, yeah.

He stayed there all night.

What time did you guys leave?

Well, you know, you go to Mitzi's and it's just

a big, big shit show.

I don't know.

Probably got home at like three or four.

Oh, that's a late night, dude.

We had a late night.

Well, you know, Ari,

he can go.

Yeah.

For a 71-year-old man, he can really put him back.

Old, sweet, old sweet.

And there's something about Austin.

It brings the evil out of you.

Like, you live here now, but

when you visit here, it's just, it's, it's like something in the the air you just want to like free something in the morning you want to befriend rfk you know when you land here yeah

something here you just want to have a taco and shoot a hog out of a helicopter yeah

it does kind of bring there's places that bring it out of you oh yeah oh yeah and then but and this town is just so free like when you live in new york it's like very progressive so then you come here and everybody's like here's a maga hat and a joint and a gun and uh kill that lady trying to get an abortion

you know yeah

yeah that's on the billboard.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No porn on the phone here, boys.

What the hell?

Wild.

It's the land of the free, but I can't look up porn hub.

You got to give them your ID.

Oh,

what am I?

A migrant?

Come on.

No, it's fucking bullshit.

Bullshit.

So, I bought a gun.

Did you?

No, I'm just kidding.

You want one?

I would fuck it up.

I shouldn't have one.

Really?

Yeah, I drink too much and it would just sit there on my coffee table and I would twirl it.

You know, something bad would happen.

Yeah.

Okay.

Probably best.

Yeah.

Do you have any?

I have a few.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nice.

Do you

go to the range?

Sometimes, yeah.

Oh, that's fun.

Not as often as I want to go, but yeah, it's fun.

So it's not protection.

It's just like I'm having a good time with you.

Well, I guess it has that benefit.

But I like the, it's such a humbling thing to go and like start and be like, God, I'm so bad at this.

Yeah.

And then with like good instructors, you know, it's like anything.

It's like a golf swing.

You go, oh, shit, this feels better.

So it's fun.

Like, it's a a fun practice

what about the kids though you ever gonna show them or you hire yeah i would rather um take them to like a like a safety course and get them comfortable around it than to see it as this thing that like oh maybe we should maybe we shouldn't and then not know what they're doing like i'd rather have them feel like they have tremendous respect for this device and what it can do yeah and like know how to do it than to just be like no just never because you know that they're going to pick one up one day so i know, I know.

Yeah, I'd rather teach them.

Yeah.

Because I'm this morning, my six-year-old was like, when are we getting guns?

Whoa,

school shooter.

He's going in there.

I go, we got, I go, I got to talk to a guy.

We got to get you into a class.

And he's like, come on, man.

Come on.

Wow.

Is this the one that's like you?

Yeah.

And he's like, come on, man.

Yeah, come on.

Give me that fucking pistol.

Take this sleep mask off and get me a gun.

All right.

We got to run, but don't forget to watch We Might Be Drunk, Tuesdays with Stories.

Of course, check out Mark on the Road.

Are you doing dates now?

All day long.

I got a million dates.

Go to punch up, marknormancomedy.com.

I'm in Rochester and Porchester and San Jose and Eugene, Oregon, and Dallas.

They'll be coming to your dad.

There you go.

He's one of the best out there.

Go get tickets.

Go see him live.

Listen to the podcasts.

Thank you for coming, man.

Thanks for having me, Tom.

Good to see you.

Comedy.

Bert Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.