The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

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My grandfather used to always have a pen pen in his if he ever wore a suit, which was only to like funerals and things.

He was born in 1902.

Was he really?

Yeah, he had a pen in his outer jacket.

And

he said, That was the style at the time.

And my grandmother was like, That wasn't the style.

She's like, you did that so people knew that you knew how to read.

So they would wear like a, just have the pen, like a reading brag.

That's why I carry these around.

But it'll look like you're fancy.

He's a reader, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

What's the last book you read?

The.

I can't do it.

I literally can't do it.

And I've always thought I was sort of a smarty pants.

I haven't read a book.

I can't.

I honestly can't think of it.

Wait.

Nope.

Wait.

Nope.

There was a, nope.

We were on our honeymoon.

There was a woman.

We went to a really nice place for our honeymoon.

And there was a woman reading a book.

And I've never seen Leanne spit

fluid out of her nose before.

And the woman said to Leanne,

hey, I think Bert would like this book.

Leanne said, spits a drink out of her nose and goes, are there pictures in it?

I can't remember last time I read a book.

It just doesn't, it doesn't come up.

Do you think books are going to be gone one day?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, soon.

Very soon.

Yeah, very, very soon.

How do you, how can I?

I mean, I wonder if I would, you know, like,

maybe I should get, at least get into like...

50 Shades of Gray or something that maybe is going to, you know, fill that, scratch that itch of like people people getting boners and stuff, but haven't tried it yet.

I'm always impressed when neo-Nazis read Mein Kampf and I go, wow, you read it?

That's crazy.

You read the whole thing.

We were at, okay.

First of all, no, there won't be books pretty soon.

We were at, me and Ken Marino, when we went on a bike trip in Italy.

That'll give the shortest version of the story.

There's probably more to it, but I'm going to give it real short.

And we're at this

swimming pool.

There's a sort of nice Maseria hotel out in the, you know, and the lifeguard, the lifeguard at the pool is reading Mein Kampf BC.

And he's like a young guy in a speed-oh, just so it's like you can kind of see his dick, and he's also reading Mein Kampf, and everything.

The whole thing feels weird.

Yeah.

You know?

And I'm the kind of guy who's always just like, hey, let's not mess with the guy who's boners out and he's reading Mein Kampf.

Let's just let it, you know what?

Let's let him be.

You know?

But Ken Marino, as much as I love, I love confrontations.

I love it.

I hate them.

I'm almost, me and your neighbors almost had a thing.

We'll find, We'll get into that in a minute.

That's why people say racist things to me, and I just go, cool.

You don't like confrontations?

I hate confrontations.

I love them.

Are you serious?

I love it.

Are you serious?

It wakes my wife crazy.

Oh, Leanne likes confrontation.

I love it.

I love it.

I think also people don't expect it from me.

Anyway, Ken Marino went right up to the guy.

He's like, hey, what's going on with my cop over here?

What's going on?

He's like, I'm a for history.

I'm a mecha for history.

I'm a mecha for history.

He's like, no, you're also, but you just got super Nazi vibes, too.

Hey, cheers, by the way.

Cheers.

Nice to be back at your beautiful mansion.

I walked into the neighbor's mansion by accident.

That was

almost beautiful.

That's really nice.

Almost became part of

an accessory to whatever they're doing over there.

The only thing you can call what you become when you hang out over there is you're an accessory now.

Oh, it's all the same color car, all the same type of car.

So many white vehicles.

White.

White.

Hey, wait, can you buy MonConf on Amazon?

I want to see how many

five-star reviews.

For my struggle.

Let's see.

Mine.

Kampf.

Kampf.

Mine Kramp.

My struggle, for those of you who don't speak as much casual German as I do.

I feel like I speak great German until I'm in Germany, and then people look at me like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

4.4 reviews, 2,000.

Jesus, don't put my book up.

Shut up, Adolf Hitler.

It's got 4.4 reviews?

Damn it.

That's really good.

That's as good as

4.4 stars.

That's as good as my, that's as good or better than my actual screenwriting.

Put your book in.

My screen writing is for me.

Mein Konf has better reviews than your book.

Oh, absolutely.

It certainly has more reviews.

Unable to beat the U.S.

and NATO Ballo.

Oh my God, these reviews are fucking awesome.

I feel like, don't you, shouldn't you go right on a watch list when you're doing a great review of Mein Konf on Amazon?

Shouldn't you be right on a watch list?

What?

Just like, ding.

Good read.

Literally, your doorbells, your ring doorbell should just go like,

we've amazon's received your very your glowing review of mind comp and we just want to see what you're up to dog breath 101 first let me say i bought this as a gift who the fuck do you how thoughtful

i had hesitant feelings about ordering the book i don't think i ever hesitated to purchase a book but for me this was it i'm not sure what the book book's content are but the author helped create pure evil on humanity okay

so he's awful the same as the like the weird.

There's a lot of weird guys in Speedos who are like, I just need to know the history.

Oh, this one goes, but he gives it four stars because the delivery was ASAP.

You know, whenever I want my,

whenever I want someone's comp,

whenever I want dynamic or someone else's comp.

This is crazy.

Just reading it.

But look up, you can get, look up reviews of anything.

Look up

passages from the Bible.

There's Bible quotes

that'll be like, judge not lest you be judged, has one star.

Hey, did you watch the women go to space?

I've thought of little else.

I'm so glad.

I have so many thoughts.

Okay.

Yes.

Yes, I did.

Can I polarize everything right now?

You loved it.

I loved it.

I cried.

Okay.

I cried, and my dad was watching.

I want to hear so much more about how that made you cry.

Okay.

Okay, I'll tell you why.

Okay.

This is for real.

Now, listen, as a commentary, I know that's the problem.

I love that you're going against literally every thought-thinking person in the world right now on this.

It's why I don't talk about politics because all of my opinions are very true to who I am and how I feel, and they're always very sensitive and they're always very wrong.

And so, yeah, so this is what did it for me.

I wouldn't be here if I thought you were as scary as you seem.

I'm gonna take another sublime before I overshare.

Well, let's go because this could be, oh, Jesus.

By the way, hang on.

I watched it.

I watched it on replay Sunday morning, right?

So I already knew the ending.

Why?

So

I'm on the treadmill and I was like, and my dad's in my gym.

My dad's at my desk.

I'm on the treadmill.

And I get, I turn it on, and you see the Kardashians and Oprah and everyone sitting in the waiting room and like the school.

All the, let's be honest, the dudes who are piloting the thing from the...

Have you seen a picture of all the guys?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We keep that real quiet.

So,

and I just thought, I thought, okay, maybe I'll write a bit about this.

Let me watch it.

And so I start watching it.

And they start to take off.

And I go, that's pretty cool, man.

Rockets are pretty fucking badass.

And then this is what got me.

The flower.

No, the tiny daisy.

No, I.

Thomas, I only saw the exterior shot.

I never saw interior.

I never saw any interior.

I only watched exterior.

So it was the speed and the height is what got me.

And then I started going like, they're going like 1,200 miles per hour.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're at three, what?

1700.

1,700 miles per hour.

And they're at like

330,000 feet in the air.

And I just started going like, holy shit, what a crazy experience.

And life wasn't guaranteed.

And I was thinking about the fragility of life.

Sure.

And then all these things.

I got emotional.

And my dad's watching.

He goes, this is fucking stupid.

Did you cry at this?

I cried.

I love that you cried at this.

I cried yesterday, by the way.

Why?

I cry all the time.

I cry a lot.

You know, for a guy, I love confrontations.

Like, I do love confrontations.

We'll get into that later.

But

I think it's good.

You got to cry.

Because, like, if you're not crying every once in a while, you could get scary.

Yeah.

Although when I start crying, it can be a little bit scary.

Really?

I'm Irish.

You know, the Irish, we're just dramatic.

We're melodramatic about everything.

Do you think they had...

What kind of underwear do you think goes under the spacesuit?

These space, these, these specific spacesuits.

Oh, I guarantee it was branded.

For sure.

It's Kardashian.

It's gotta be all.

It's gotta be

skims and spanks.

Skims.

Skims and Spanks.

And Skims and Spanks.

And yeah.

Gotta be.

Yeah.

By the way.

Gotta be.

Immediately bring Playboy back.

Do a fucking photo shoot of all them naked.

Yeah.

I'd buy it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm only looking at two.

Yeah.

No, no, I'm aware.

You just said all of them, and I'm like, yeah, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't mind seeing Amanda win.

yeah

yeah it's kind of crazy though like it's kind of like

playboy used to be but playboy used to be better than everything we have now yeah it used to be it would just be like zipped with a little like you know like we used to

everybody didn't just used to like

like point their butthole at you this first second you see everything yeah there's two we used to have a little bit of class and it used to be a little bit of like

it wasn't all just we're gonna open with buttholes do you remember how sexy you didn't see buttholes I'm going to be honest, at all.

You never saw a buttholes.

I went my entire life

for a long time

without being confronted.

I'm going to go ahead and say buttholes became confrontational.

At some point in the last 15-ish years, we got real confrontational

about

something.

I'm not really sure when that happened.

The sexiest was

old-timey tan lines.

No one has tan lines anymore.

Old timey tan lines.

Tan lines were so sexy.

Right, and everybody's just like, oh my, you caught me over here by the tree.

I'm just like, it's not like, oh, wait.

I'm going to see if this jug of punch fits in my butthole.

Like,

which is what I think we've gotten to.

We've devolved into

butt stuff.

You gotta a place where you gotta look for something on porn that is so bizarre, you're like, what is that?

You almost want to

go search like upbeat or cinematic or friendly.

Friendly, like not

tortured dongs and you know, every button we get.

Torture

shows up on my, I don't know what I clicked on one time.

It's like cock torture?

Dude,

every time I get like, because I'm a point of view a guy, it's POV, POV, cock torture.

P-O-V-P-O-V milking table.

And I'm like, ugh.

I was like, I wish I could reset my fucking

history.

You probably can, can't you?

No.

I can't do it.

No, can you believe that there's parts of this country they want you to put in your driver's license and sign up for an account on pornhub?

That'll happen.

People can get right on that.

Yeah, there's a milking table.

Yeah, it's exactly what you think.

It's exactly, yeah.

By the way, just heads up: if you ever get a massage and they do have that hole in the center, do not get a massage.

I've never done a massage like that.

It's literally never come up.

I've never been asked even about that.

Yeah.

I'm always shocked.

Can I always tell you?

Because I think I can trust that we're the same type of guy.

I think so.

I think we're both very, probably highly sensitive, highly creative, highly like.

big criers big criers yeah um

i have i'm always almost offended somewhat blown away at guys who ask for hand jobs at massages

it

it makes me very sad it it breaks my heart like it that you think the world is that transactional that you can just go hey uh what about a little

huh

like i i'm and i i've i was on a i was at i do i mean i do that at the dentist but that's different

She's Russian.

It's cool.

It's completely different.

I actually, at the dentist, I was like, the last time I was there, I was like, it's so crazy.

I don't let a lot of people put their fingers in my mouth.

Oh, yeah, it's weird.

But they just randomly, people just put their fingers.

Let me just get in there.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm always blown away at guys who can do that.

I think it's just crazy.

Well, I feel like the odds of somebody being like, no,

what an amazing bummer that would be.

What lack of backbone do you have?

You're like, okay.

And then now you've crossed that bridge.

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Yeah, that's a bell you cannot unring.

Hey, how about playing with this boner?

No, thank you.

Well, now where are we?

We cannot unring this.

I just said I can't imagine what a week back when you'd have to jerk him off.

It's me.

Yeah.

I'd be the person if someone was like, dad, do we get a hands up in this?

I'd be like, all right.

I don't want you to like me.

Yeah, of course.

I need everyone to like me.

So what was your take on the, what was your take on the astronauts?

Because I got into a heated argument yesterday at an Easter party.

But is everybody saying it's a waste of money?

Everyone's livid.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's a waste of money.

The internet's hot take is that you're not astronauts.

But they weren't, by the way, they weren't giving that money to the library anyway.

It was not going to be.

It was not going to the library.

It was not going to books.

Which, as we know, is not a thing.

So it wasn't, yeah.

I thought Gail King made a good point where she was like, yeah, it wasn't either or.

Like, they definitely didn't cancel an opera for this.

Yeah.

You know?

But

okay, here's my only take on it.

Okay.

If everybody did it and didn't say a fucking thing about it,

much cooler.

Yeah.

Instead of coming back and kind of shaming us,

kind of making us be the dicks.

They're like, well, you guys were all, we left.

We thought you'd be cool.

We came back 11 minutes later and you're still dicks.

Yeah.

Like that was a weird take.

The take that we that we ruined it.

Was weird, I thought.

We ruined it.

Yeah.

The take that it's our fault that we didn't like it.

Yeah, it is a little bit our fault that we didn't like it.

Well, you know what?

Fuck you guys.

Yeah.

I was like, oh, that was bold.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you know what it was?

This is what I don't think sometimes the internet can tell you what they find gross about it easily and derivatively because they know what other people are saying.

And so they'd give a hot take because they feel like that's what the internet's giving.

But I'll tell you what was what they couldn't articulate properly.

It was that

these women, when they walked out of the space shuttle,

space astronauts, capsule.

Capsule.

Which was unscorched.

They each

has a screen door, basically.

Yeah, that was a pretty light game.

Hey, now.

The door is made out of like straight-up paper-mâché,

and it basically does this.

Okay.

It looked like an RV door.

Uh-huh.

It really was a listless little thing, but I'm not a conspiracy guy.

The door was weird.

The each woman, and it started with Katy Perry,

gave their

I Have a Dream, large

one man step for man kind moment.

Like they each were like, they were like ready to be immortalized.

Right.

And

a closer connection to love.

To love and gratitude.

What would that feel like?

Other than just taking MDMA?

Did they just take MDMA?

Because MDMA is fucking great.

By the way, acid would be.

Asphon can be scary on occasion.

But if you can give me acid in 11 minutes.

And then it goes away in 11 minutes.

Oh.

Do you know how often I take that?

Chef Kiss.

Yes.

11 minutes, and I'm, yeah.

I'm assuming you didn't watch all the food.

I didn't watch all of you.

You got all the footage of everybody in the things now.

So the best is,

and I'm paraphrasing a tad bit.

Amanda Wynne was.

She's a real astronaut.

No, no.

Oh, no.

No.

She's an advocate, a lawyer.

Oh.

Yeah.

So she's a women's rights advocate.

Oh, great.

She was uh i'm i just read the story she was sexually essayed yeah

i've heard that too it's not it's terrible at harvard oh she chose not to press charges right away and then realized within six months that so she's an advocate for women's rights right but the interviewer said do you feel like this has healed your trauma like do you and and you watch this amanda win go like you think i'm like cool with my now like what what what and it was so bizarre

yeah like no one was prepared there's amanda yeah there she is but no one was prepared for like

i just you know what got me emotional it was like yo though i bet the world does look peaceful when you look at it from up there and it's not it is no it's a real bummer to come back yeah

it's like if you come back it's like the guy's two doors down who are something literally something's up yeah on earth yeah like there's some stuff that's up down here guys It's crazy.

Like this, I got emotional watching this thing land that I go, that I'm seeing something like this happen in my lifetime.

That's crazy.

This would be terrifying.

Yeah, that is a lot, you know, it reminded me mostly.

I was like, you know, you could also do the big shot in Las Vegas on the stratosphere.

Have you done it?

Oh, yeah.

It's the best ride in the world.

Yeah, it scares the shit out of you.

It's one of the best rides in the fucking world.

In the world.

Yeah, we're not a sponsor of the show, I don't think.

Get on the fucking big shot at the stratosphere.

It's insane.

It is insane.

You see planes.

I height.

I height.

Yeah, it's crazy.

It's crazy.

I think it would probably be neater than this.

It also is technically faster and less expensive.

There's a lot of rides.

I've done every lot of rides.

There's Fox Canyon.

Type in Fox Canyon, New Zealand.

They have a freefall ride, like a rope swing, which I'd argue is probably.

Oh, I know what those are.

What do it drop you?

And you just fall with you.

You with two people's arms next to you or just by yourself?

No, you're by yourself.

By yourself.

And then they just drop you.

But at first, you feel like you're dying for a second.

For four seconds.

It's actually, I'll be honest, scarier than skydiving, which I've done.

Because skydiving, you don't get a sense.

you step out of an airplane and you're kind of going,

but you don't feel like, oh, the ground's racing at me.

You just feel like you're in,

you know.

Yeah.

But on those, you get a sense that the ground is racing at you, which is a very different feeling.

And they do it backwards where they hold it.

I'll tell you right now, this is one of the most intense feelings I've ever had in my entire life.

Fox Canyon, they had you on a chair.

It was called the chair of death.

And they lean the chair back.

And so, like, you know, when you fall on a chair, but you fall.

oh shit yeah well that's that's very scary this is intense this is intense and by the way probably just as I would love would you go to space if they said all right here's the deal we're gonna on the DL

no why claustrophobia

I'm a severe claustrophobe like bad bad I guess when I was a little kid so when I was a little kid I had a security blanket that I took believe it or not for a guy who cries a lot and loves to start fights I don't know what's wrong with me exactly.

I talked to my psychiatrist on the way over.

He's like, oh, best of luck.

But

I have a very good psychiatrist.

Shout out to my psychiatrist, who's amazing.

But so I had my little security blanket in a backpack that I went with everywhere in the world.

And we were in Iowa and we went into these caves that these people had, like a farm there.

And I got stuck for a while.

Remember like Winnie the Pooh getting like stuck in the tree kind of...

Oh, hold on.

Yeah.

Like stuck in a tree.

I got stuck

in the entrance of a cave because I had my security blanket in the backpack.

So I'm like stuck.

And then I start to panic and I panic and a panic, panic, and I don't think I'm going to be able to get out.

And I can still feel that feeling basically every day of my life now.

Yeah.

Can you watch spelunking videos?

Oh, Jesus, the scariest.

Have you seen the movie

127 Hours?

Well, that one, that someone has to cut off his arm?

Yeah.

The one with the girls where they go below.

My God, it's so, it's really intense.

They go below and there's like weird monster men down underground.

Five girls in a cave.

It is unbelievably amazing.

Spelunking, five girls in a cave movie.

Five girls, one cave.

Spelunking movie.

The descent.

The descent.

Have you never seen the descent?

No.

Fuck, it's great.

For real?

It scares me at a level.

The descent scares me at a level that no movie can scare me at because

it taps into a fear of mine so deep-rooted that I can't

get out of it.

The descent.

Don't Don't like it.

I've done a ton of spelunking.

And I like it.

I hate it.

I hate it.

We were in a cave in New Zealand where,

I mean,

I'm claustrophobic as well.

So what were you doing in there?

For TV.

And I was.

Oh, you're doing because somebody was filming it.

Yeah.

That's the same with me.

If you film shit, I'll do it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like jerking the guy off in the thing or like chair, like whatever.

Be like, oh, we're refilming it?

We're filming it.

We're filming it.

Oh, yeah, I can do this.

I can do that.

That's different.

That's funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, jerking this guy off in a cave here?

Hilarious.

Let's go.

I was unaware of how tight it would be.

And so they bring us into a huge cave and we zip line down.

And everything's fucking wide open.

And by the way, I'm seeing like Asian people in inner tubes to the right.

So I'm like, okay, that seems fine.

It can't be that bad.

Yeah.

They go to the right.

I go to the left.

The guy goes, all right, let's get into the birthing canal.

Now

it was, it was a crawl space

where the water was here.

Nope.

and you had to crawl out nope and as soon as you got to the other side it was a different world where everything was tight everything was shimmy and then this is the worst part

they said it's loud there's a waterfall it's loud as shit and they're like all right hold your breath no and then climb up the waterfall do not you'll get to the top he'll grab you Let him grab you.

And so we go behind the waterfall, right?

Take a breath.

Yeah.

Turn around.

And as soon as as you turn around, the waterfall is not hitting your head.

You climb up the waterfall.

The guy grabs you.

You don't realize what happens.

He puts you into a cave where you're sitting crisscross applesauce, hunched over, and the water's to here, the top's to here.

And you're just going, this isn't what I signed up for.

We went to the salt mines in Germany, in the mountains of outside of

Salzburg.

No, this is not me and Kim Marino.

It was me.

Every trip, I just want to throw it.

There are a lot of pictures.

There are a lot of trips with me and Ken Marino.

Can we pass the wine over here?

Keep it up.

So

we went to the salt mines.

Yeah.

And

I was like, I don't know if I can do this.

We had like a van driver.

I don't like to drive in Europe ever.

It's just not a thing I do.

So we had a van driver, and I asked Uber, the van driver, I was like,

I was like, how, he's like, so there's a little train, you know, you get on a little train and you duck down and it goes into the mountain.

And I was like, okay.

And I'm trying to do the math.

And I'm like, I can, can I, can I, I could probably do that, right?

Um, and I said, Uber, how long is the, it's not long, right?

the little

name was Hobert

Hubert and I said how long is the drive into the salt mines uh on the little train he's like oh it's not very long at all it's not long at all it's maybe ten minutes I was like ten fucking minutes I'm gonna be hunched down in a little ball on a child-sized train

going into the salt mines which it turns out is where they hit all the art in World War II really because they knew it was bomb-proof the salt mines are so old that they knew like when Hitler stole everybody's art, which is a big part of the plot, you know?

And he was like, let's put the art.

There you go.

That's it.

There you go.

Yeah, they're showing you where that they're.

Okay, don't go to the website.

It shows you a nice big room.

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That's once you've gone on a chutro train for 10 years.

What I saw is did you have to put on an outfit?

You've got a little pod.

You do have to put on an outfit.

Once you put on an outfit, that means you're going to be touching something.

Fucked up.

Yeah.

That means you're going to be touching something.

With a number, it means maybe they need to find your corpse.

It's like, why does this have a number?

Don't worry about the number.

There's no problem.

I'm just just putting you on a little train with a number.

Okay, well, this has never gone well before.

In Germany, never.

Literally, this doesn't go well, but here I am, and I just paid 80 euros.

That's the little train that I was weeping on.

That's it.

Little train, me weeping on a little train, just curled up in a little ball.

There's a cave in Austin.

Well, you type in cave in Austin, and I don't even know.

I wish I had stolen all the things we did.

This is it.

And so so they said, we're going to go spelunking in this cave.

And I was like, cool.

There's, I mean, this is a tourist cave.

It's, there's a fucking

stairwells.

And actually, no, there's a handicap.

Yeah.

It's a gift shop.

You're fine.

Handicap accessible.

You're probably fine.

It's huge.

It's wild.

And then they take me to

a manhole cover.

No.

And they're like, this is how you get in.

No, it's not.

Never.

I don't know.

I wouldn't know how to decide.

There's nowhere in ever doing this.

Rapid

manhole entrance.

No.

never

never

and uh

i have a it's weird because i think

the the the the social medias have figured out that i'm afraid of dying in a cave underwater so every like every fourth story that comes into my feed is like they made the biggest mistake they didn't know what they didn't know is they thought it was air it was different kinds of water yeah and these motherfuckers took off their masks a mile below the surface of the fucking thing this repel into this cave now they they lower you on a wench i think that might be it right there they lower you into a wench and they tell you so i was i'm a bigger guy so they said for you you're gonna have to have one arm down one arm up to fit in and

they go listen this is really important halfway through you're gonna see a huge room it's it's gonna look it's gonna be filled with stalactites it'll look like superman's lair now if you're panicking you're gonna think maybe i'll stop here don't because if you stop there we can't get you out Cannot get you out.

So he says, so what you need to do really all the way down is you have to keep going.

And then they're going to have you at the top.

It's going to open up.

You'll be at 90 feet.

You're going to be at the top of the cave.

And we'll lower you down the rest of the way.

I wish right now there was a little part of the screen where you could see my heart rate right now.

It was.

You know what I thought of the whole time?

I swear to God.

Now this is, we're of the same age.

You're going to remember this.

I said,

a guy went in upside down to save baby Jessica.

Maybe baby Jessica.

No, of course I remember baby Jessica.

When we were young, kids used to fall down wells all the time.

All the time.

We had more wells.

Our porno was light-hearted.

Yes.

We had light-hearted porno.

Kids lit themselves on fire.

Sometimes no one ever lights themselves on fire anymore.

No.

We had light-hearted porno, a kid in a well that we could be rooting for all the time.

These days, if one of these kids fell in a well, I'd be like, fuck, you know what?

That kid was probably an asshole.

Why wasn't he on a cell phone?

Then you'd look at the, you'd look up the kids' socials and you'd be like, no, that kid's an asshole.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That well, you know what?

what round round one to the well dude yeah claustrophobia videos claustrophobia out of all the phobias so i got a fear of flying what's your other phobias flying horrible horrible i can find anywhere what scares you about it

just that you die right away and you don't have anything to control the best part about it

the best part about it is that you die right away the thing about the cave you will be alive in the cave for a week and no one will know

No one will know.

No one's looking for you.

Do you want your death?

Instantaneous.

Really?

I'm walking next door, two doors over, right?

One more time.

I walk down the driveway with like the eight white Range Rovers.

They say, come back one more time.

Hey, bro.

Hey, bro.

Hey, bro.

Hey, bro.

What you need?

Whoa, whoa.

I just walked out of the property like this.

Hey, bro.

Okay, bro.

Okay.

No, death instantaneous.

Absolutely.

Really?

Yeah, the best.

You want to linger in some sort of death?

Like, airplane death is going to be fast.

I actually thought that in the past year,

what?

We're doing the safety video.

Like,

what's the safety video?

Like, honestly, why?

Yeah,

we got to do it, right?

We should just do a moment of silence.

Just do, literally, just do something.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

Right now I should be the safety video.

Let's just take a moment of silence because it happens.

There's literally no chance.

Yeah, there's no chance.

They're like, nothing will.

Yeah.

And if it does, look, it's going to be chaos.

You're not going to remember what I tell you right now anyway.

No.

I'm going to be shit in the bag.

Yeah.

In fact, we recently landed one of these upside down in Toronto and y'all just fucking filmed it.

Like, nobody did shit other than film it and make it into a funny goof.

So, you know what?

Fuck it.

I don't want my death to be.

I don't want my death to be the all-female astronauts where the America celebrates the failure.

Like, that would be the worst.

Who died where everyone just laughed?

The last time that happened?

I think it's been a minute.

Yeah.

Where everybody was, like, literally laughed.

Good.

Like, it's so.

I can't remember his name.

I'm just, let's not dig too deep into it.

Okay.

I feel like I know his name a little bit, but there was a very, very busy Beverly Hills plastic surgeon that my friend was the receptionist for.

And he drove off a cliff in Malibu while filming a post.

He drove his like very fancy, that was it.

Goodbye.

He is gone.

But he was literally being like, come on in for double lips and kisses.

We're doing the buns as high as you want.

Gone, dead.

Dog and the dog lived.

No.

It's the best story.

Are you serious?

Yeah, if you don't have faith in anything, the plastic surgeon who is shooting a funny Instagram video in his very high-end car that went off the cliff, dog lived.

The guy who created the Segway.

Cliff.

That's the funniest.

Fucking Cliff.

Oh, that is genuine.

That is like.

I mean.

I mean, it's horrible.

Well,

what are the funniest deaths?

But you died some really funny way.

Like,

segway is, I mean, chef kiss.

I mean, can you create the segue when you run it off a cliff?

The guy who invented the guillotine, I think, was like the third guy who got guillotined.

No.

I believe.

Very early.

I believe, maybe that's apocryphal, but I think the guy who got guillotined, the guy who invented the guillotine, very shortly after.

Be careful what you invent is what I'm saying.

I think.

Did he?

He guillotined himself?

Oh, he did not.

No, he lived to 75.

Not fucking, this is planned out sucks.

75 in the 1800s.

Oh, that's like a thousand right now.

That's like a thousand.

That's very, very, very old right now.

I always, I always think about like

Robespierre,

where he guillotined so many people and then he got guillotined.

Because like, I go, you know, there had to be a time where he was like, this will never, I mean, this never works.

No, I'm fine.

I'm killing it.

I'm killing.

And I'm the guy who guillotines people.

How are they going to fucking clip it around to me?

Guillotine, you know, you live for a moment.

You know for sure that you do.

It's been proven.

You have to.

Like the head is still screaming.

If the blade is warm, especially,

you're going to live for a second.

Would you rather be hung, shot, guillotined, or beaten by a crowd?

Oh, beaten by a crowd is the scariest one to me by far.

Yeah.

And that happens a lot.

Even just sort of trampled, I don't want to be, you know?

Oh, my God.

Trampled?

I've been in those situations where it's claustrophobic.

No, I don't like it.

And the crowd's moving you.

No, no, no, no.

And your feet aren't touching the ground.

Nope.

Nope.

No, no, no, no, no.

Nope.

Nope.

No, no, no, no, no.

My beautiful son

made me go to something on the south side of Chicago last year called Summer Smash, which is like a hip-hop show on the south side of Chicago.

Does sound safe.

Everybody has their butts out.

It's all butts are out.

Again, this is my butthole thing where I'm like, I don't want to.

Ugh.

It was the scariest place I've ever been in my entire life.

My son got caught into the crowd.

I couldn't get.

There's also no cell phone service.

And then it started hailing because it's Chicago and it's fucking crazy.

Yeah.

And I couldn't find my son, and I was very upset.

And I ended up going,

I was a bit of a Karen.

Yeah, I guess I'm a bit of a Karen in this situation.

I just went like up to the front of the stage.

It's good to be recognizable sometimes.

I mean, it really is.

Because people assume, especially with the way that sometimes I present myself, which is authoritative.

I'm like, hey, I need to find my son right now.

And they're like, oh, hi.

Oh, hi, Mr.

Dangle.

What's going on, Dangle?

They're like, you want to come on the stage?

I'm like, yes.

Yes.

I'm like, yes.

And then some other kid looks and they're like, is he supposed to be on the stage?

I'm like, yes, I am.

I've lost my son.

I've lost my son.

By the way, everyone lost their son, but I have a mustache and can just get myself in the place to go get him back.

So I did get him back.

That's sterile.

But I don't like the idea.

I don't like the crowd.

I don't like crowds at all.

I'm not good at it.

Tom mocks me for using my face sometimes to get things.

Why?

He just jealous.

I've done it so many times.

And Pete's seen me do it.

What's the best thing you've gotten with your face?

Oh, this is going to sound so horrible.

So horrible.

I can't wait.

A hospital bed.

That's horrible.

Wow.

Yeah.

I learned that getting recognized was...

Was the bed for you?

No, it was for Tom.

I said to Tom.

Oh, but Tom wasn't famous enough.

No, no, no.

Tom's pretty famous.

Tom was pretty famous, but for whatever reason.

He was visually famous.

Famous by name and as a comedy and then visually famous are two very different things.

I'm more visually famous.

You're visually famous yeah yeah and so he broke his arm broke his leg it was during the height of covid the height of covid oh yeah the hospital is packed no one's getting to bed and tom is his arm is not attached the bone is broken it's dangling his knee is not attached what and he's in so much pain and he spent the night out of the hospital and what he was doing playing basketball and so

we um i said tom goes they said it's going to be a few hours and what the fuck okay this is a very weird world that we live in I just told you that story, and somewhere, someone took a picture of me there.

Looking for your son at Summer.

This is the saddest and most upset I've ever been.

And I didn't know.

Of course, that's documented.

I was literally weeping and screaming.

And it's like, met this guy, it's cool.

While I was looking for my son, I stood up on this little box.

And people came up and they said, is this, are you doing like a meet and greet?

Is this like a.

It's like, no, I've lost my son.

Oh, so we can't get a picture.

And I'm like, of course you can get a picture.

I love being famous more than I'm worried about.

My only heir is getting smooshed up against.

That's great.

Central C.

Central C was the best at that show.

Central C, big, big ups.

My daughters don't like that I'm famous.

And we went to a football game.

My oldest daughter.

Yeah, until it's absolutely, until it's fucking awesome.

And I pulled up in the car and I said, I'm just going to park back here.

And Georgie goes, you're going to need passes.

I said, I should be fine.

Usually I'm fine.

She goes, what do you mean?

I said, watch.

And I pull up and I was like, What's up, buddy?

And he's like, Oh, shit, the machine.

Go, Keith, just go ahead.

Get out of here.

She's like, Thank you.

And George is like, Get out of here.

Where are you going to park?

I go, it doesn't matter.

It was like, Yeah, leave it running.

Yeah.

We just fucking famous.

Yeah.

But with the one I did with Tom, we were in the hospital, and they go, It's going to be about three and a half hours.

Genuinely sad.

And Tom, his face drops.

And I, you in Los Angeles?

Yeah, we're in Los Angeles.

You can't go to the hospital here.

It's tough.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, it's

with a broken arm one time.

During the height of COVID.

During the height of COVID, the highest COVID ever was.

Yeah.

Everyone in the waiting room has COVID.

Yeah.

Everyone does.

No one's.

And they've been shot.

It's a perfect storm.

Hey, did that COVID suck?

Well, guess what?

Good news.

You also have a bullet lodged in your...

That's him in the hospital.

And so I said to Tom.

Tom's a good guy.

I really like Tom a lot.

Yeah.

The guy goes, it's going to take about three, three and a half hours.

So

I'll find a seat.

And I said, really?

And the guy goes, it's chaos.

The lady's saying it's chaos.

And I look at Tom, I go, I can fix this.

I look in the back and I look for a nurse that looks like he'd like me.

And I drop my mask like this.

Guy lights up and he goes,

and he sees Tom.

I go, pull your mask.

Does he do the international symbol for, are you here with Tom Seguro, who broke an arm and a leg?

No, no.

No one knew what happened.

So I go, Tom, drop your mask.

Tom drops his mask.

He goes, oh, shit.

Comes over and he goes, hey, I got a room for you guys right now.

Boom.

And we were like, all right.

And Tom goes,

you just fucking showed him your face.

And I was like, yeah.

And so we got him into a bed.

He was like, yeah, there's beds back here, but it's just too chaotic out there.

Have you ever seen that study that they did that there are certain chimpanzees would rather

look at a picture of a chimpanzee that they know that has high status than eat food.

You're that chimp.

In this scenario, you are the chimp that people want, that the chimps will look at a photo of instead of get a treat because you are the treat to that weirdo.

And I hope you gave him a beautiful, beautiful hand job on the milking table.

Oh, I did.

No, no, no, for sure.

No, no, you get a hospital run for sure.

Milking table, which goes straight down.

These, all the nurses came back to hang out with us.

They were like, this has been chaos.

It's this is, oh, what happened?

And they all sat in our room.

It was kind of, it was kind of like we did a meet and greet for the hospital.

Yeah, of course.

You were doing meeting greets.

Yeah.

And they're like, yeah, this is fucking nightmare, man.

I mean, this is crazy.

I've never seen anything like this.

And then they're like, what happened to you, Tom Covet?

And he goes, I was playing basketball.

Broke both.

Have you never seen it?

No, but he's a fragile little man, I guess, because he's a big guy and he seems strong.

Do you want to show him?

Do I want to see Tom Segura's arm and leg break at the same time?

It's pretty crazy.

That's like the character from the Mr.

Glass.

They call me Mr.

Glass from Unbreakable, kind of thing?

Here.

I don't think I want to.

I don't know if I want to see this, by the way.

It's pretty handsome, Tom.

Great beard.

Nope.

Shit.

No.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Okay.

Sorry.

Oh, fuck.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

You can feel it.

It's broke right there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, he broke his arm right here in half.

No, not here.

In here.

Right here.

In the humorous.

Jesus Christ.

Ironically.

That is.

It was not as funny as a humorous break would be.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you can feel.

He's screaming.

He's screaming.

Oh, Jesus Christ, no.

Sorry, I don't know why.

I just unwound it for him.

Sorry, we just need it.

I love the people that go,

they're like, Bert, you should never move that arm.

I was like, yeah, okay.

You be in that situation.

Like, be in that situation where your friend's arms bent backwards.

keep it bent backwards.

And just go, we'll lead it there for the next 30 minutes.

But the whole point is, like, with the broken bone, you got to set it back.

Like, the only time I've broken this one a couple of times, and you have to push it back into place.

That's all the orthopedic, like,

orthopedics are mostly the problem.

I've had a lot of doctors tell me I did the right thing.

And then a couple, you know, a couple, because Tom's had nerve damage, and they go, well, then Bert caused it.

I go, no, no, I think it was his falling and breaking his arm in half that might have caused it.

I mean, I love the guy, but that's one of the lamest things I've seen a person do, honestly, ever.

Yeah.

It was spectacularly terrible.

It was crazy to be a person.

He's also going real slow.

Like, is that in slow motion or is that?

He moves that slow.

He was so fat then.

Oh, that's fine.

He's already out.

He's already down.

His, his, uh, his.

His center of gravity went out.

No, no, no.

His, this knee exploded.

Oh, the.

The knee exploded.

Oh.

The whole knee exploded.

And then he tries to cover himself with the arm, and the arm snaps and breaks in half.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

That fell, that fall changed his life entirely.

If anyone's looking for a pivot moment in Tom Scrooge's life, it's this moment.

Watch that.

Has anybody said, I know he broke his old body and it looks like he almost died, but has anybody mentioned that he doesn't, he should have dribbled at least one time?

Because he's also

traveling.

He's 100%.

Like, I just, I'm not, I don't want to be a dick.

Look, yes, you broke your whole body.

Yeah.

And you travel.

It's crazy because of this.

He got into because Leanne that night, we go back to his house and push is, is a comfort trauma person.

Like if bad stuff happened, Push wants to make you feel comfortable.

She's not going to be like, like Leanne's brutal, but his wife, Christina, is like comfort.

She made Tom biscuits with Nutella.

And she goes, his will make you feel better.

And Leanne saw he couldn't use his arm and couldn't use his leg and he's eating Nutella out of the jar.

She's like, you're about to get fat as fuck.

I think Tom's girl heard that and was like, I will not get fat as fuck.

And his weight loss journey

started that day.

And ever since then, every day I saw him, he always looked better.

That's good because it looks like at that point in his life, a bird could have killed Tom.

Yeah.

And I'm not talking about a raptor or a scary bird.

I'm talking about any regular bird.

And if a bird got in a venue, Tom's dead.

Oh, he is.

I mean, he was.

That Tom.

That Tom traveled with hot sauce in his pocket.

It's my favorite thing.

He always had hot sauce on him.

He always had hot sauce on him.

Does he have hot sauce?

He was a different Tom.

He'd eat like a different fucking lunatic.

I eat like eating like a lunatic.

Oh, God, Port.

This whole thing is...

And then you made some money off it.

Good.

You got him there and he's crying.

He's on it.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

What is it?

You know, right after I met you, the first time I met you, first time we met was Pink Palace.

We had an idea we were talking about last time, which I like, which is that we open a retirement home that just is the Pink Palace Corfu.

Yeah.

That's where Leanne got.

Leanne's been talking about retirement homes non-stop.

But we, so we do one where you get, every day you get there, and they give you

a little bit of molly.

And like, there's a, there's like a pool that's kind of gross.

Yeah.

And just like, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph.

And then you live as long as you're going to live.

Like, how long would we live at the Pink Palace?

Ten days.

But you know, you know.

It's not like, you know, there's those Swiss machines where you go and you get in and it executes you.

You've seen these little pods you get in in Switzerland?

No.

You have not seen the Swiss pods where you can get in and

go away.

No, it exists.

It's a totally real thing.

Absolutely.

Or somebody could put you in it, I guess.

But yeah, Swiss pod,

Swiss Suicide Pod.

There you go.

Wait, how do you die?

They look pretty sharp.

It looks like a Blue Origin.

It looks a lot.

It looks exactly like the Blue Origin.

I mean, if you have the outfit on, that's it.

The Swiss Suicide Pod, which, by the way, is the best band name really ever.

Swiss Suicide Pod.

Swiss Suicide Pod.

Wait, how does it kill a capsule?

It just fucking nags you to death.

It just doesn't open.

It just doesn't open.

It's just frustrating until you are like, look, I wanted to kill myself.

God, it looks sharp, doesn't it?

I mean, are we putting some money?

Are we throwing some money at this?

I don't think the exterior design needs to be as high as it is.

It's fucking sharp.

Yeah, it's good looking.

It looks great.

Yeah.

Which is a little bit of a bummer because every time you re the second time you use it, there's been a dead person in it.

So there's automatically been a dead person in it.

If it works.

If it's a good one, it smells like death.

Jesus, it's the, I mean, it's like, it's dumb, but it's a good thing.

It's flooded with nitrogen, reducing the oxygen levels rapidly.

It's like doing whippets.

It whippets you to death.

They die in 10 minutes.

10 minutes?

I could die faster.

This does sound a lot like Blue Origins.

And it also sounds like Whippets.

And you could die from Whippets probably fairly fast.

Why wouldn't they fill it with Whippets?

They do.

I said, yeah, well, nitrous.

No, nitrogen and nitrous oxide are two different things.

Are they?

I don't know.

Again, I'm not a doctor.

Well, I definitely would look into it before I got into the suicide pod.

Oh, this isn't as fun as I thought it was going to be.

The way I'm looking at this, it seems like you could get in the McLaren F1 and do Whippets.

Same experience.

Yes.

Identical experience.

I think they haven't thought through enough things.

Like, I like what you, like a finite retirement home where you go, where you go, hey, we're coming in, but you're not going to live forever.

No.

So let's dump all your money into it and let's blow it out.

And we'll time it out where your money runs out and you die that day.

That day.

And by the way, we're never going to be able to do that.

And it was an easy.

You were on a little bit of Molly and it was weird.

You put on a fur swimsuit, just like Pink Palace.

Do you know what I went there?

You got the music of Ace of Bass blasting and just like.

Dude, I never liked people that didn't like Ace of Bass.

Like the people that we shit on the side.

Those songs slap.

They slap.

And the girls are hot.

The ace of bass.

We talked a lot of shit about you.

No, we didn't.

I didn't talk shit about Ace of Bass.

No, but I watched those Tridels talk shit about Ace of Bass.

I was like, it songs fucking good.

Keep talking.

Keep talking, motherfucker.

Here's what I really want.

You ready?

I want a

blow-it-out out rehab, right?

So for people that are sober, that just want to run at it one more time,

they give you like a solid week of just getting fucking loose, and then they cut you off.

You go into rehab for 30 days.

That's the way it often works, though.

Everybody I know that

everybody I know that went to rehab, that's verbatim what happened.

They blew it out for a week, and then they thought the trees were FBI agents outside the house, and they're like, I think this is probably rehab.

Die.

I'm gonna cut this off sharp right now.

I wish they did rehab light

where it was like sativas

and and white wine.

Yeah, you know, it's not you dip your toe.

Yeah, yeah, we're not getting fucking.

No, no, no, no, no, we're not going crazy.

Yeah, we're gonna teach you mom.

Yeah, social stuff, casual social stuff.

Yeah, like and and you know, you play with a horse or whatever, you know, like shoe it, something that they do in those videos.

You have sparkling wine, and you get to hang around with a horse.

Oh, that's a pretty good life, actually.

By the way, they got a they got a rehab because I got to get a surgery.

And I was looking at like, because my biggest thing is, not booze, but food.

If I get a surgery, I'm going to balloon up because I can't work.

If I can't work out, this is what I look at working out every single day.

Oh, you look good, by the way, right now.

You look good.

You're really good.

Thank you.

I mean, I know you look good.

That's why I didn't mention it because you're tan and you, yeah.

I know being working, you're doing your thing.

Yeah.

But I want, I want to go.

There's one that's in Malibu that you can promises.

You can party.

No, you can party at it.

You can party at it, but it's like they monitor your food intake.

Like they monitor, they have chefs, you prepare your food.

Oh, this is a physical rehab.

It's like a physical rehab.

So you can party, you can take edibles, you can do whatever you want.

I mean, I don't know if they go, yeah, bring edibles, but.

I would say if it said something, something, rehab, and then in the slogan somewhere it said bring edibles, I'd be like, this feels a little fucking sketch.

I looked at the

rehab.

You know what?

Bring edibles.

I think

there's no way they're saying that.

I read what I was saying.

We should always see what we want to see.

I was like, the guy who invented the guillotine, dead by a guillotine.

It's funny because the place I'm going to get fixed, they said, please bring edibles.

Please?

Oh.

No, so I like it.

Here's our idea.

It is based on one of the grossest party places in the world that we love.

Pull it up, the Pink Palace, Corfu, Greece.

Pink Palace Corfu, the first place we met.

I don't technically remember because the next day, you know, I laid down at Vespa at 55 miles an hour.

Yeah.

I slept on the beach that night.

God.

I didn't sleep.

You weren't married.

No, no, no.

Single guy.

Single guy.

Look at you.

Single guy, which is a big part of the problem.

Oh, I had an idea.

We were joking.

I was joking about this with Ken Reno, thinking, is this a fun game show where you would host it because we met you at the Pink Palace?

And we have to, as 55-year-old men, recreate every day of our 20-day trip to the Greek islands that we did in 1990, what is this, 3, 2, 94, 19, 94.

34.

So we have to do everything we did.

So, like, your day starts with like box of Uzo in the sun.

Yeah.

And then

Pack of Marlboro lights.

And then you got to like

eat a hot dog off the ground.

Like everything.

It's just like you have.

And the challenge is just to see if you live.

The answer is we would not.

I love it.

There's no way we'd live.

Pink Palace, I don't remember.

It was not that nice to my recollection, but our retirement version will be.

This is...

Wouldn't it be fun to be retired there?

I can't remember

the pool being that clean.

Nobody goes by the pool because it's also on a beach that they're not showing in that.

Oh dear, that was kind of more.

Yeah.

Yeah, Pink Palace.

I got jealous of Dutch guys there.

Dutch guys run cool.

Dutch guys are so funny.

They run cool, and their English is perfect.

Yeah.

No, they already are.

They sound sensitive when they talk.

Oh, and then they drift into English and it's perfect.

And they're just sort of Dutch and cool.

Yeah.

They're used to getting places on bicycle, you know?

Oh, used to getting places by bicycle.

I always say I'm bummed that I'll never have that experience to live in the Netherlands and like ride my bike through the city.

And my girlfriend's tall, and she has like blonde hair and a scarf.

You have that kind of money.

You could do that.

I know.

You could cosplay that for like a week.

If you had to pick a second wife right now, what would you go for?

Just nationality.

Secret family.

Secret family.

I get to have a secret family right now.

Well, hold on.

Now, if we're going secret family, I'm going Asian.

I'm going communication.

India.

Indian.

I'm going to get out of this country.

I'm doing completely

palette change.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going Indian.

I'm going low caste, good looking, doesn't realize her worth.

Flutter with cash.

Oh, my God.

Do you know how much fucking you could look so rich if you just come in?

You're like, yeah, I got a pizza.

What?

Can I say that we're almost exactly describing the movie called The Man Who Would Be King?

Oh, my God.

Look at how hot Indian women are.

No, no, no.

Top in The Man Who Would Be King.

I don't think this is a secret.

It also stars, speaking of, a guy who married a very beautiful Indian woman, Michael Kane.

His wife, Shakira Kane, is in the picture, and you'll see her in some of the photos probably.

Like one of the most legendary supermodels.

Yeah, that's Michael Kane's wife.

So, Manda Woodby King, kids, put this,

this is a fucking movie, but it's kind of what we just described.

It's these two weird weirdos,

and they decide to go over the mountains into this total, this like find these people that have never really met.

There's this tribe over the mountains who's never really met anybody.

Yeah.

And they're like, we'll go and convince them that we're gods.

And it's a little bit like what we're talking about right now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The weird thing is we have more resources to really do this.

I mean, I kind of think I'm like misusing my money.

I know you are.

I've looked around your house.

You are misusing your money.

I'm just trying to.

Instead of going to Southeast Asia, to India and proclaiming yourself a god, which I think is a very solid plan, and I can't find any holes in it.

It doesn't work for them for a bunch of reasons we won't get into, but they get, they're close.

They're really close.

For real.

This movie fucking is unbelievable.

Is this a comedy?

No, but it's very funny.

The man who would be king.

The man who would be king.

Based on, I believe, an old Rudyard Kipling.

Please don't

drag me if I'm wrong, but it's an old Rudyard Kipling story.

Michael Kaine, fucking amazing.

Sean Connery.

Michael Kane is Sean Connery.

This is one of these movies with fucking mutton chops.

And look at this.

Oh.

that's when like movies were like a thing.

Now people are making a movie, like, hey, do you want to come?

Where are you shooting?

Like, oh, it's an yeah, it's bring a sandwich.

I'm like, what?

Bring your own sandwich.

Do you have an outfit you could wear to be in the movie?

I don't want to fucking bring an outfit to be in the movie.

God.

Used to be like movies like this that would take a year.

Yeah.

You'd go to India and fucking.

Did you ever shoot a movie on film, film?

Oh, of course.

Really?

Yeah, sure.

I'm the two Christopher Nolan movies.

Wait, which ones?

Memento and The Dark Knight Rises.

Wait.

Both on film.

Hang on, of course.

Yeah.

Let's talk about Memento.

The first movie ever fucking made.

Ever made.

Ever made.

Ever.

That movie.

I love that you forgot that I'm in it, which is sort of awesome.

I can't remember who you are.

Oh, there you go.

Look at you.

Wait, who did you play in this?

I'm a character called Doctor, who has no name.

There you go.

There's me in Memento.

You look so different.

I'm a real boy.

I was a boy.

That is 98 or 99 or something like that.

But

that's the joke.

The joke is in Dark Knight Rises, when I turn around and I'm Bruce Wayne's doctor.

The joke is, oh, isn't that the same doctor from who's testing Sammy and Memento?

That is the joke.

Christopher Nolan, very funny person.

Really?

Absolutely.

Yeah, totally funny.

He's never met him a lot of times.

Never met him.

You won't get lovelier and funnier and always on film.

Always shooting.

Really?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'll tell you what.

Memento, one of my favorite movies.

It's crazy.

Tenant.

I think I'm the perfect intelligence for the people that make movies.

Like, I think if you're smarter than me, you already get the ending before it.

And if you're dumber than me, you can never get the ending.

I'm the perfect window.

You're right in the middle.

I'm right in the middle.

I'm like the perfect window for making a movie where you go,

now's when they'll figure out he's dead.

And you're like, oh, shut up.

Like Memento, I've watched that over and over and over again, just trying to figure it out.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Apparently, as told to me by the...

The script supervisor, who's an amazing script supervisor.

He worked on Reno 911 a lot too.

Same prop guy, although we have a lot of the oddly, Reno 911 weirdly shares a lot of the Christopher Nolan team.

You can't tell from Reno 911 necessarily, but like all the people who do, like Guillaume Deloche and Steve Gurky, all these guys who work for Nolan also come and do our show.

And,

you know, so Memento, what I'm told, is, is a movie that starts in the middle and goes that way.

I'm like, oh, right.

I didn't really know that either because I'm in it.

And I'm like, yes.

It starts in the middle and goes that way.

Somehow, I don't know.

What is the

okay?

In Memento, he, I'm dying to know if there are people that have never seen Memento because it was kind of like a low-key hit.

Low-key, but, and quick shout-out, his movie before that, which is called Following,

fucking amazing also.

What's Following?

Following is the, Christopher Nolans, to my knowledge, his first full-length film.

Really?

Called Following.

And it's fucking wonderful.

What's the main message?

Well, no, in the movie,

he has no memory.

He has no short-term memory.

No, he has no memory memory.

Every day is new to him, basically.

It's like Groundhog Day.

No, it's like 50 first dates, but.

And everyone's kind of using him in a way.

Yeah, so he writes stuff on his body.

And that's Guy Pierce, and he fucking looks cool.

And what's his name?

Joey Pants is in it.

Oh, yeah, Joey Pants.

Yeah, he's the...

I'm not going to say too much about it, but he's a character in it that's of interest.

Carrie-Ann Moss is so cool.

Character of interest.

Beautiful.

Stephen Tobolowski.

I got a lot of scenes with him.

him steven tobolowski i ran into him he's a good crossover between groundhog day and memento speaking of because he's in both

he's sammy in groundhog day

and he's also the guy that goes up and goes phil phil connors

god what a great fucking movie you could intercut those two movies that'd be really fun guys you keep going to sammy and then you go to him and he keeps meeting bill murray phil phil connor and then he's back in a fucking chair with me being like why did he kill all these people why do i what is it about those movies that I love so much?

Like a movie like Groundhog's Day or Memento or even anything time travel-y, anything like in the tenant where you can watch it back and forth?

It's a thrill to, I mean, it's such a thrill to see, like, now that you know how this plays out, what do you change?

You know, that is a little bit of a, you know, it's definitely like a wish fulfillment of like, what will you do differently now that you know exactly that what the way it unfolds in Groundhog Day is so magnificent because at first he just fucks around and he's mad and then he gets really great at the piano and then he finds out what to say to Andy McDowell.

Like, yeah, he just fucks around at first and then he keeps getting better.

He figures out, you know, which was definitely fun.

There's a dreamy young guy Pierce there.

Yeah, memento's type, but do check out, I see you got the tour bus parked outside.

You're on the road in a little bit?

Yeah.

Throw up,

or you could even do this as a double feature.

Throw up memento, but then throw up following.

Type of following.

Following Christopher Nolan.

It's just the word following.

Boom.

I don't know if it's legally his second picture or his first picture, but it's fucking what's the premise?

See, this is, I think that, so, okay, soft pitch, okay?

This is an app I think me and you should design.

Okay.

Okay.

Me and you,

we get along pretty well.

We do.

We're very different, but we're very similar.

Yeah, there's a smarter than I am.

I'm not sure that's true.

Yeah, no, you are.

You're smarter.

You can do homework.

You can do like, you're really good at being a grown-up.

But there's real questions we could dig into later.

There should be an app, right?

Not like Grindr or what's Tinder.

There should be an app where you can make new friends that are...

That are adults.

That are adults.

And don't jerk you off.

Don't jerk you off.

Throw a milking table.

But you go, like, you type in your.

Oh, they might, but like, it's not...

We're not putting it up for it's not the first thing right now.

It's not the first thing that's going to happen.

Yeah.

We might go see a movie or some other stuff.

Because like even talking to you when you go, oh, have you seen the following?

Have you seen the man that will be like you know so much more stuff than I do.

And I go, like, oh, this is going to be fun to get to know you for real.

So I can text you and go, hey, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

But we also don't read books.

So like we're on the same page.

I can't read books.

I've got three.

I've written three novels and

one screenwriting book.

Screenwriting book made the bestseller list.

My first novel made the bestseller list.

I don't read books at all.

If someone was getting into Hollywood right now, would you tell them, just don't?

I'd say,

I hope you have an amazing TikTok.

I hope you have a lot of followers on TikTok.

Yeah.

And I hope you're doing really funny, great stuff.

Yeah.

And also, there isn't really Hollywood, so congrats.

But I mean, welcome.

Do you get, I get really upset with, I'm a rider-die Los Angelinos.

Like, this is my city.

I live here.

I raise my kids here.

It'd be great if we filmed here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It would be great.

How is this going to change?

Memento was filmed here.

Was it?

Yeah.

I would love to do a memento tour.

Reno 911, Miami, was filmed on like two blocks behind your house here.

The end where we're driving around the old folks' home.

Yeah.

The golf cart chase is all at this fascinating little retirement community.

Have you not been over there?

No.

It's curious.

There is like a retirement community.

If you go to the golf cart chase at the end, it was filmed basically on this block on the other side of this block.

There is a real, that's it.

It'll come up.

There's a real, real interesting

little

retirement community.

It's still there.

And it's called like Boner or something weird.

Wait, is it...

On.

Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about.

That's what I know exactly what you're talking about.

That weird little place.

Yeah.

That's where we shot the end of the renovation.

Are you serious?

100%.

Dude, that place looks so good.

This is a long sequence, but if you fast forward.

Oh my God.

You have the entire movie up on YouTube?

Oh.

That does happen.

We made the movie Hell Baby, and the day before it came out, it was on YouTube.

I'm like, really?

Oh, fuck.

How'd that?

It just fucking.

People just put it up.

I got in a big fight with a guy once.

I got in a big fight with a guy.

You know, I like confrontations.

Yeah.

So

Night at Museum 2 had just come out, which me and we wrote.

And a guy, this is when you, are you on Facebook?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I used to be on Facebook, and I used to take everybody because it was just like a thing of like, fuck it, let's all hop in.

The water's fine.

Yeah.

Maybe we'll all get on the milking table.

I don't know.

So I was on Facebook, and it was just all well and good.

My wife was eight and a half months pregnant.

And

sitting around one night and she's going to bed.

She's eight and a half months pregnant.

And I'm like, I'm just going to stay up and check Facebook one second.

What's going on on Facebook?

And I get a note from a dude who's like, hey, just saw a night at the Museum 2 here in Cambodia on a DVD.

Didn't love it.

I had a lot of thoughts about how you could have made the movie better.

And I'm like, what the fuck?

And then I go, go back to the red one, clug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

I'm like, motherfucker, you're telling me you watched a bootleg copy of a movie that I wrote and then felt like you needed to reach out to me to tell me that you didn't like it and how it could have been better if I'd thought about it harder and worked on it more.

And I was like, motherfucker,

the movie came out in America today, yesterday.

You're watching a DVD in Cambodia now.

That's fucking, you just fucking pirated a movie and you're shitting on me about it.

I was like, fuck you.

And I write along like Jerry Maguire, like angry.

I'm like,

like, you have taken my time.

Like, as an artist, I don't care what the fucking money goes to Fox anyway.

But I was like, but time, I spent time and you've stolen my time.

Ding, fucking send it.

And I get a note.

And then like...

A couple minutes pass where I'm like, look, look, look, look, look, I'm still not going to bed.

Now it's midnight or one-ish.

Ding.

I get a note back.

Well, fuck you, too.

Like, I get the furious note back of, like, boohoo.

I'm gonna go cry to Darth Vader.

Why don't you tell Darth Vader and Fox to come fucking get your royalties back from me, you bitch?

It was so angry.

And then I write back again

because I'm doing this.

Facebook and motherfucking.

Oh, now we're doing, oh, guy in Cambodia who did not like Night of the Museum too.

Let me tell you about the fucking life of a fucking writer.

And I write like another fucking, I write Finnegan's Wake back

about

fucking the struggle.

Finish the fucking bottle of mine, slap it closed.

I'm like, fucking Facebook, man.

Fucking motherfuckers.

And I go up to bed.

It's now about three now that I've written so many mission statements to a random dude in Cambodia.

And my head hits the pillow, and I'm fucking so lit from red wine.

My face is burning up.

And Jenny puts her arm on me and says, My water just broke.

I was like, wait, wait, what?

She's like, my water just broke.

We're having a baby right now.

Shut up.

And I was like, I've been in a fight with a guy on Facebook

for six hours about how he didn't like Night of the Museum 2, which I'll be honest, has some, you know, there's some stuff.

Like,

some of his notes were kind of valid.

Some of his notes were valid.

And I'm like, fuck.

I'm like, oh, man.

Man, okay, you got this.

You definitely have the spins.

You're about out, literally about to have a baby.

She ended up going into labor for a real long time.

So there was like a whole day passed.

But

stay out of the fucking comments, guys.

You don't need to go check on how people on Facebook feel about stuff.

Don't check.

I do like that.

Nothing that will never, it leads to nothing.

I do like that as

a

either a game show or a podcast of just someone that knows nothing about making movies.

Just telling you everything.

It's called I've Got Notes.

And we just bring out your...

Everybody does.

You're like, Bill is a truck driver.

His favorite movie is...

What kind of truck?

Like a truck truck.

No, no, no, yeah, but no.

Like a semi.

Yeah, let's not do that.

Let's do it like

he's a car driver.

He's an Uber driver.

No, I don't like that.

Like, what?

See, this just

ruins.

You ruin everything before you even play it out.

It's so easy to fucking go like, I remember

I shit on a movie.

I shit on a movie one time.

I don't forget what it was.

What movie just for fun?

Was I in it?

No, no.

I'm in a lot of fun.

I know what movie.

I'll tell you what.

I've done a couple pretty bad movies.

I'll tell you what movie I bought that bothered me.

And I kind of just casually shit on it.

And it was Ferrari.

I actually didn't see it, but I did see

House of Gucci.

The House of Gucci.

I got it so many, we could talk for hours.

I love everything about the House of Gucci.

I love it so much.

So

House of Gucci.

Does he love it too?

This is the reason I stopped shitting on movies.

Because Tom loves House of Gucci.

He hated.

He's also right.

He hated House of Gucci.

But he's wrong.

Okay.

Hold on.

We're calling Tom.

It's terrible.

It's the worst movie.

He said it's the worst movie he's ever seen.

You could see Adam Driver look at the camera and be like, they gave me $25 million.

I'm not going to not eat out Lady Gaga for $25 million.

Come to Italy and eat out Lady Gaga.

What part of me doing this movie did did you not get?

And then on the days off, when I'm not eating Lady Gaga right in my face, I'm going to dinner with Al Pacino.

This is a good movie.

He's so livid about House of Gucci.

It is a thing.

Really?

It's worth.

I got to watch it.

I got to watch it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Throw it up in the bus.

I got to watch it.

I bet I end up liking it.

I think you're going to like it.

I think I'm going to fucking love this.

Every once in a while, Adam Driver, I feel like, you know how Clint Eastwood in the Smoking the Bandit used to look at the camera and be like, I love that I'm the bandit yeah well the bandits in it again Adam Driver a couple times in house of Gucci kind of goes

there like oh he's basically like saying like I know I know I know is this per is this movie perfect oh was I just eating out Lady Gaga a second ago yes

am I obviously getting paid full freight to be like goofing around in the Italian Alps?

Yes.

Full freight.

Tom was livid about this movie, and I had just made a movie, and I realized how much work goes into a movie.

And then I was like, movies are impossible.

It's impossible.

And then I was like, well, I'm not going to shit on movies anymore because

I forget which one with the last one.

The last one I gave comments about was Ferrari because the Enzo Ferrari's.

Oh, no, I saw Ferrari.

This is how terrible I am.

I saw Ferrari.

Okay.

But his wife didn't look like...

His wife

didn't look like that.

So I had a hard time connecting why he'd ever cheat on.

What is her name?

Not Sophia Gregaro.

Penelope Cruz.

Penelope Cruz.

Why would he ever cheat on Penelope Penelope Cruz?

Especially with the other chick, who I didn't think it was that hot.

Trying to remember who the other chick is.

She's more off the beaten path.

Yeah.

I mean, it does fall under the expression of that.

That's what she looked like, and then that's what they have her as.

I go, no, I get why you cheat on her.

Come on.

I didn't even know the difference was that much.

It was so much.

That's pretty pronounced.

But

that's my problem with representation in movies: they go, they can't cast Scarlett Johansson as a trans

female, but they can cast fucking her as...

Everybody gets hotter in movies.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know if you saw the Dylan picture recently, but...

My daughter loved it.

No, it was amazing.

Really?

Yeah.

Two things.

Dylan doesn't look like that.

No.

And Joan Baez did not look like that.

I was like to my son, I'm like,

we were never dreaming like, hey, please show Joan Baez in her little cotton underwear walking around the kitchen.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

No.

That was never something we were dreaming about back in the day.

No, she's one of the most beautiful women in like the history of the world.

But of course, if you have Timothy Chalamet, you can't just like, yeah.

Yeah.

You can't have a normie.

No.

You can't have normal people.

They all look weird next to each other.

See?

There's the normal.

No.

Yeah.

Nope.

To play Joan Baez.

Mm-hmm.

Jesus.

Joan Baez has got to be psyched, right?

You got to be like, what?

Neat.

Wow.

Do people, everybody perceives me like this?

That's what you saw?

My self-esteem is in the gun.

Holy shit.

Is that real Bob Dylan?

That's real Bob Dylan and real Joan, right?

God bless them.

They've given us so much.

What a gift they've been to all of us and everything they do.

But I'm not dreaming about them in their underwear.

You know?

No.

And you cut to Timmy and her, and I'm like, hey, let's get all these guys trotting out.

Let's see Tim running around there and what's he doing?

What was the movie they shit on at the Oscars a bunch?

They were like this, like that was their joke movie that they were shitting on this year.

They always shit on Ben Affleck movies, and I I love that dude.

Oh, Air.

Did you see Air?

I didn't see Air, by the way.

It's outstanding.

Put it on the bus.

Put it on the fucking bus.

Yeah.

Ben Affleck's Air.

Five out of five stars.

Literally, no one saw it.

He always delivers for me.

It's great, incredible.

And he's amazing in it and very funny.

He plays the Nike dude, and he's bonkers.

He's fucking awesome.

Chef Kiss.

Chef Kiss.

Yeah.

Him in The Town.

Town's Great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's great.

what's the movie.

What was the movie everybody was shitting on?

What was the movie everyone was shipping on to the Oscars?

It's got to be.

It was not Amelia Perez, which was the big, the crazy one.

I didn't watch any of the movies earlier.

I believe that about you.

I know that you didn't watch any of the Oscar movies because it's a little bit like reading.

It's definitely a little bit like reading.

It's a lot like reading your movie.

It's a lot like reading, especially the ones in Spanish.

It's literally, I've heard your Spanish, and it's not good enough to understand Emilia Perez beginning to end.

It wasn't that.

It was not Conclave, which was actually excellent.

Rest in power.

It's crazy that it's happening right now.

That's actually a great picture.

Did you watch?

It's about the Pope.

Yeah, but it's way better than you think.

It's like a sort of a, it's almost like a murder mystery dinner.

I swear.

Really?

You should have pitched it as murder mystery Pope dinner.

I think the branding of these, you could dummy down the branding.

If you just made, okay, make the trailer do that.

For real?

We used to do that.

Yeah, there used to be trailers that were like made movies seem like more fun.

Yeah, make a trailer.

Kramer versus Kramer.

Yeah, it's like make a Conclave trailer that's meant for frat houses.

Yeah.

We were like, do you like, do you like dudes in white?

Dude, they're going to burn the white smoke.

Will only come out when what?

You thought the clan was bad and white.

Check out these motherfuckers.

I'm still here.

All these bros.

Substance was.

Oh, I like the substance.

That was

wicked.

Everyone trashed wicked, but I think they trashed substance.

I thought that was just because their press door was nuts.

Their press door was crazy.

There was a lot of hand holding, and they all were saying that everybody was holding space for something, which I don't know what that means.

I still don't know what it means, holding space for stuff.

I don't know.

I mean, all I can think of is

I really don't know what it means.

I don't know what that is.

It started to get said a lot during that.

And I actually loved the movie.

It's way, way, way, way, way too long, but it's a lovable movie.

I fell asleep in it.

It's way, way, way, way, way too long.

I went with my daughters and my wife.

I got high and I passed out.

Well, yeah, you're in a nice air-conditioned theater.

Snored.

I could see that.

Oh, that is such a meme.

You snoring during Wicked, I hate to say it.

It's a perfect meme.

It's just like the screen of like, and if you care to find me,

as someone told me lately.

What about the press tour for Snow White?

It's magnificent.

It is fun to get to see, this would be a sort of a funny TV show because there was at one point,

did you see

Death on the Nile?

Like the original and the other one?

No, the more recent one.

I've watched all of them.

I'm a big hack of Guthru Christie.

Of course.

Because we, goddamn, we have a weird amount of overlap.

So the fun part of Death on the Nile is that by the time they'd shot the movie, and by the time the movie came out, about half of the cast had been canceled

or done some unbelievably crazy shit.

Yes.

Army was eating ladies, allegedly eating people's.

He never is eating people's, but...

Army was maybe, he was talking about eating people's.

Russell Brand.

Russell Brand.

Gal Godot had come out and been like Israel will kill she's like Israel will kill you all and you're like you'll all bow down and they're like the press person must have been like whoa hey hey hey guys guys

I thought I was a little bit fucked with the what don't tell who the killer is hey guys let's all stop being dicks and the opening scene of so like the army stuff about him like sort of getting into like cannibal stuff allegedly uh had just come out and the whole opening is a dance number where he's licking Gal Gadotta and like going

he's Pepe Lepewing her in this dance number, and you're like, oh, this is like 4.5.

I didn't see this one.

You know what I saw?

I saw Murder on the Oregon Express.

Yeah.

You saw the one where only one guy was canceled.

Wait, who's canceled in that?

He's uncanceled now.

Who?

Johnny Depp.

Oh, yeah.

At the time, he was a little dubious because we didn't know how that was going to sort out.

Yeah.

You know?

Josh Gadd is fucking good.

Oh, one of the funniest people of all time.

The only time I ever saw a show where my face fucking hurt was the original Book of Mormon.

Have you seen Book of Mormon?

Yeah.

I saw it with him in it.

With him in it.

Wait, did I?

Would I have seen it in LA with him in it?

No.

Okay, no.

No, you started the pan pages with a funny little dude who's very funny, but he's not Josh Gad.

Josh is something else.

Yeah.

But

there's Josh.

Yeah.

Stone Cold Genius.

What are we talking about?

We always talk about musicals.

I know.

I know you don't know him at all.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I know Lynn texted after that.

Yeah.

Lynn Manuel, when you called him Lynn Emmanuel Miranda.

It's okay.

My buddy,

my buddy,

Billy Gardell had a TV show called Bob Hart's Something.

I have been calling it Bob Loves Danny Amendola.

I thought it always looked written out like Bob Loves Assholes.

Bob Loves Abishola.

Whatever.

It's

an absolutely insane title for a show.

It's crazy that it was successful.

It's almost an abuse of power to just be like, Bob Hart Abbashola?

Yeah.

Come on.

I've been saying Bob loves Danny Amendola for so fucking long.

And he said it the other day, and I went, I've been saying the wrong fucking thing.

I literally look at it and go, Bob loves assholes.

Okay, you wait.

Can I tell you something?

How do you not see that?

Can I tell you something that I learned yesterday?

And you're gonna, everyone,

is anyone listening downstairs?

Every single human being is going to mock me for the rest of my life.

I don't know if I will, but okay.

It is.

If I looked at this, I was like, but how much does this cost?

I'm crazy about that.

Oh, don't worry about that.

If you worry about this palace that we're in right now, next to the dudes who might,

you should check that I make it to the car.

My friend.

I might have to make it in the car.

You look at it.

What did you hear?

Peekaboo.

Hey, Peekaboo.

No, no, I see you.

Come here, peekaboo.

I was walking by the vehicles and I'm like, did Bert win the lottery again?

What the fuck happened?

Because there's these luxury vehicles,

but everybody's sitting in like a weird plywood thing in the back,

like talking about stuff.

This is a weird thing.

To be fair, he was very nice.

Yeah.

But there was a vibe

of.

What do you think if they walked into our front yard of me and you talking?

What do you think our vibe would be?

Hey, hey, hey, uh-uh.

No, see, they were the nice guys.

Yeah.

I walked into a weird like mafia den and they were very nice.

Whereas if they come up here, I'll be like, what do you need Bert for?

No, like, what do you need him for?

I love you.

You love confrontation.

I love it.

I hate confrontation.

I love it so much.

My wife does not love how much I love it.

Here's the thing.

So early in New York in the state,

we all got beat up on the streets in New York all the time.

It was a very ordinary thing to happen.

We moved to New York and it was 1988.

So it's like the movie The Warriors.

Fucked up, you know?

That was when all the subway cars are covered in graffiti, and it was just a scary time.

So once you've been beaten up in New York a couple of times,

something changes in you, I think.

And you stop.

For me, I stopped being afraid of physical confrontations.

Really?

It doesn't scare me anymore.

Wow.

No, two really amazing ones.

I did not win or throw punches or anything, but I just came out the other side of them.

And it sort of gives you a little thing of like, all right, let's see how this goes.

And then you find out, this is the other scary part, nobody wants to be in confrontations.

Nobody does.

So I was right, a recent example, we live in Wisconsin a lot most of the time, and

we rode our bikes to the movie theater.

And me and my wife and my son are riding our bikes back from the movie theater.

And there's a car.

We're in the exact proper lane that we're supposed to be in for the bikes.

Little car honks as he comes by us.

Dude screams out the window, get the fuck out of the road.

And then he gets stopped at a red light

and I'm coming up.

And I pull right up, his window's open, I lean in the window, and I say, get the fuck out of the car.

Get the fuck out of the car right now.

He's like,

did I say something?

I'm like, get the fuck out of the car right now.

One of us is going to die right here

and i don't care if it's you or me so get the out of the car right now

and the next thing he says is tom

and i'm like yeah

and he's like

you're friends with the uh the chief of police and so am i i'm also friends with the chief of police and i was like okay

Okay, so we know when the cops come,

it's going to be a draw.

But get out of the car.

And he's like, I'm so like, he's like, most people are not ready to be corrected.

And people

are driving around, screaming at people on bikes, children, and things like that.

And people, like, we got into a world where everybody is like, I didn't like your movie.

I didn't mean...

But people don't get corrected by adults.

as much as I think they should.

When I was a kid, you get fucking corrected all the time.

From the west side of Chicago, old Irish guys would just fucking hit you in the head and be like, fucking knock it off.

People would tell us to knock it off every day, all day.

No one's told, like a whole generation, no one has said knock it off about anything

ever.

Oh,

I remember getting pulled out of my window and beaten by a grown man.

Of course.

I was 16 years old.

I got people

pulled me out of my window.

Okay, were you being a dick, though?

Yeah, I was.

Okay.

So, yeah, so I honked at him.

I'd cheer for this guy.

He was pulled over at the movie theater to drop off his kids.

And I was pulling up.

It was Hyde Park.

I pulled up behind him, and then I honked it.

And then I honked at him.

and he was like this go around and I honked again.

He said go around and I pulled up next to him.

I go learn how to fucking drive and I pulled up and then I got to the next light and he walked

to my window and I was talking to my buddy Sal and I said something like where are we going and Sal goes oh shit he's here and I went what?

And he pulled me out of my window and started punching me in one eye.

That's punching me in one eye

and he was like learn how to fucking drive.

I'm going to fucking.

And he pulled me out.

Sal jumped over, jumped onto his back.

I love this guy.

He threw Sal off.

My buddy Adam Rieger got into the front seat and drove away.

In your vehicle.

In my vehicle.

And you're just on the street.

We were on the street by the bank just under the interstate.

And this guy beat the shit out of me and Sal.

I'm team that guy 100%.

And man, I never talk shit to people anymore when I was driving.

You know what's interesting?

And this is where my wife really gets on me.

Because like stuff like that will happen.

Yeah.

Because I've also, but I've also, like,

and she's like, somebody's going to shoot you.

And I'm like, they, she's like, what if they have a gun?

I'm like, they better.

And she hates that the most.

Yeah.

She's like, they're going to have a gun.

I'm like, they better because I'm going to fucking, otherwise, this is over right now.

But the fact is, you find most people

have just forgotten how to have sort of manners and stuff.

Like, we used to have manners about everything.

Like, things were manners, except for you honking at the guy at the thing.

We mostly used to just like.

You were taught manners.

We were taught manners.

In that moment, I realized, okay, I'm not the biggest man.

You've forgotten your manners

I'm a kid.

I think I'm tough because I got a car.

We had a squatter in front of our house.

He was in a camper.

And the neighbors, these type of neighbors that you saw over there, came over to me.

And we were taught.

They're going to set this guy on fire.

No, they said they'd.

No, no, but we're going to make it look like you did it.

No.

Whoa, whoa.

They said, you need to get him to move.

This is your house.

Okay.

And I said, yeah, I'm not good at that.

And they're like, what do you mean?

I said, like, I don't know.

I'll try.

So I knocked on his door and I was like, hey, man you can't park here and he was like yeah yeah i can and i was like no you can't and he's like no limitations of stat and story i was like i don't know the policy i just was like hey man we're building here and we don't want you here and he was like yeah you can go fuck yourself i'm staying here so i looked at the end i was guessing now we've escalated the guy comes the guys come over and they're like uh what did he say and i said he's not moving and the one guy goes the machine can't get him to move we can move him

they went i assure you those guys could get him to to move.

Do you know what they did?

I don't want to know.

I don't want to be an accessory.

Am I an accessory after the fact, if you tell me on a podcast?

I think so.

Okay.

Something happened.

They brought baseball bats over.

And they started destroying his camper van with baseball bats.

And when he came out, they beat him with a baseball bat.

And then they moved it for him.

They put him in it and they moved it for him.

So that goes a little beyond my thing, which is just like manners are good.

I was kind of getting at like, hey, manners are good.

And we diverted into like, let's start murdering folks.

I had a neighbor.

Let's randomly murder the poor.

You ready for this?

I don't know if I'm going full.

I'm not full murder the poor.

I don't like conversation.

I had a neighbor who a guy was breaking into our house during construction, breaking into our house, and he caught him.

And he held him at gunpoint with a gun in his mouth on the corner of the street until the cops got him.

Yeah, like you do.

And I'm just like, I'm not that kind of guy.

I had a guy when we lived lived in the middle of Hollywood.

We lived on Vista Street, like right by Astroburg and Fatburger at Santa Monica there.

Yes.

And I looked out one night and a guy

was bolt-cutting our bicycles.

He'd come into our property through the gate and was bolt-cutting the bicycles off our bicycles, off the front porch of our house.

And I did the logical thing, which is I grabbed my BB gun rifle.

I'm in like a suit.

The jacket was off.

And I started running and chasing him and saying, motherfucker, you did it now.

You're going to die.

You're going to die.

He threw the bikes instantly.

Yeah.

But I didn't care.

I was going after him.

And then he got almost to Melrose, basically,

and

Vista or Melrose and Gardner.

And I lost them.

Can't get them.

The bikes are gone.

And I'm walking home and I got like a rifle in my arm.

That's when the first cop searchlight hit me.

Are you serious?

It was seven cop cars and the helicopter.

Seven LAPD cop cars and the helicopter.

There was like

16 sawed-off shotguns pointed at me in the street.

Like, I was, oh, yeah, I was chasing.

And, like, you don't get to say right then as you're walking down the street, like dripping sweat with a suit, like, can I tell my part side of the store?

Officer, let me say how I see it from my point of view.

You're like, no, you look like a fucking crazy person with a gun running down the street.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They shot, what's his name?

And what's the lead singer, Weezer's Wife?

Bass player.

Bass player.

Yeah.

I want to know way more about this that we don't know yet.

There's a loose holes in the world.

That is, it's a huge fold from okay, just casually.

No, it's there's way a lot of stuff we don't know about that.

Yeah.

I do know from my experience with the LAPD.

And they see you with a gun.

And by the way, I had thrown it on the ground already.

Yeah.

It was way up.

The second the spotlight hit me.

I'm like, oh, fuck.

This looks bad.

Yeah.

This is not good look.

The optics are sort of terrible.

As I'm like, officers,

let me show you the real

meaning.

You have lived so high.

Now you shall live so low.

Yeah, it was a bad night.

But by the way, great night to be famous.

Yeah.

The best.

When you actually didn't do it, because actually it didn't do anything.

I was actually chasing a guy who had robbed me.

But I was being a little bit of a dick about it.

And I was also screaming, you're about to get murdered and things like that.

That are like,

I was screaming things that were unseemly,

you know.

So,

but I do think that guy probably thought about next time.

He was like, I'm gonna fucking steal a bike from a guy's house.

I'm like, You know what?

Once in a while, you're gonna roll the dice, and you're gonna get a little Irish guy who's sad and loves to just get into it.

You're gonna get a Smiths fan who's like, Hey, the Smiths aren't making any more records.

What am I?

I don't need, I could be getting into that McLaren Swiss capsule or chase you.

You can't predict who's going to beat you up.

That's the best part about it.

That's also the best part about it.

This is a weird thing because you're a big, tough guy, and you've probably always been a kind of a big, strong guy.

It's actually, I think, sometimes in situations where people are being a dick,

and I go like, I do

whatever the thing is that I do, which is like I get real.

The one thing I do is I get quiet.

There's nothing scary.

Like guys, you know, you're like, fuck you, I'll kill you.

That's not scary.

But when you lean in on it, you say, come here, friend.

Come here.

No,

come here.

I need you to come here for a second.

That's making me so much scarier.

See?

It's a thing you can cultivate.

And maybe you cultivate it if you're a little guy.

I'm five foot eight.

I'm Tom Cruise height.

So like, maybe you cultivate more like the like, look.

And also, it works 90% of the time.

The trick is 10% of the time it doesn't work.

And the 10% of the time it doesn't work, you are completely fucked.

Because you're like a little guy who's basically an actor from musical theater pretending to be a badass.

No, but you're a good actor.

Yes, and it works again 90% of the time.

A good actor.

Not a good writer, good producer.

All those comments.

But that other 10, that other 10, you're really,

you're, it's, it's a milking table, and you're not on the you're not on the good end.

You're on the other end of the milking table.

Oh, shit.

What?

I live here now?

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah,

I hate confrontation.

Jill Schriner, bassist Sky Shriner, was shot by police.

That's crazy.

I don't want to comment on it because we really don't know what happened, but from my point of view, as a guy, I know a lot of cops.

Whenever cops ask me to do stuff, I'm like, 1 million%.

You want to do that?

I'm like, fuck yeah.

Do you want to come to the thing?

Yes.

Of course I do.

Done.

Yeah.

I know they hate when you brandish guns at them.

It's like one of their daughters.

I really, really, really, really, really, really don't like it.

They've also been driving for like 11 hours in scratchy pants with like ammunition that's like basically destroyed their kidneys and their hips hurt.

And like, they've just got told, like, they don't get Christmas off.

And they're like, everything sucks.

And they're like, oh, hey, by the way, I don't, you probably can't understand it.

Somebody's going to have a gun over at their house.

All we know is that they hate you.

What?

I don't know.

You're just always, everywhere you go, people are like, fuck you.

It sucks.

I can't imagine how bad of a cop I'd be.

oh i'm i'm i i think first day i'm like denzel on training day just like pcp doing stuff making ethan hawk do pcp oh i would definitely

there would be a lot of times where i shot people yeah for sure where i'd be like i'd be like wow that didn't go the way i thought it would i hear you first instinct oh i'd i'd i'd i'd overuse my power i don't want to hear about your whole bam yeah i was i'm my favorite you ever hear uh and this is this is the kind of cop i'd be They asked DMX one time, he got arrested.

You ever hear the story?

He got arrested at the airport.

He got arrested for impersonating a federal agent.

And they were like, how did that, what happened?

DMX did?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So he was like, was he dressed up like X-Files or whatever?

No, so you can buy, my daughter's just asked for these.

You can buy

sirens to put in your car.

Oh, yeah.

No, you're not supposed to do it.

You're not supposed to do it.

You're not supposed to do it the way DMX did it.

You're not supposed to do that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And DMX was like, he goes, what's DMX doing with the

he was at the airport.

He was running madly for a flight.

Madly for a flight.

And this Asian dude's going, Matt's still in front of me.

So I hit him with the lights.

I pulled him over.

And he didn't pull over.

Dude's not respecting my authority.

And they're like, but you're not a cop.

He goes, yeah, but he didn't know that.

He should have pulled over.

So now I had to run him off the road.

This is a great story.

And they go, but don't you not have a driver's license?

And he goes, no, I don't have a driver's license.

And they're like, you still drive?

And DMX's response was, was, Catch me if you can.

Okay, and then it seems like they did.

Uh, neat thing about it, got him.

Got him.

Uh, the second part about it, he threw an Asian guy under the bus driving slow.

Yeah,

you remember OJ in his first interrogation with the with the police?

No, he throws an Asian driver under the bus too.

For real, yeah, go watch the whole thing.

Dude, can I tell you that documentary blew me away?

I always believe in innocence first.

Of course, he really killed them,

allegedly, Yeah.

I mean, I don't want to get in trouble with the courts.

Well, civil.

No, you're not going to get in trouble with the civil courts.

But I watch that documentary.

It's spectacular.

Yeah.

It's spectacular.

Yeah.

Now, I know the world doesn't need two guys who look like us saying that, probably.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know.

But

yeah, it's spectacular.

I have a buddy who owns a lot of OJ memorabilia.

Mm-hmm.

And they said you could buy the glove.

I'm just going to wait this one out over here.

I'm going to hang out for a second and then I'm going to jump back in.

Well then the argument would be that's but ah here's what I'm gonna say okay

if you're an OJ fan and you really believe that

it's not his glove yeah end of story end of story he very firm clearly said it didn't fit when it

they

just said

he started doing

this medicine and he also started doing this really weird bit weird things where it's just like

he's like oh.

It's like what I do with condoms.

Oh, dude.

No way.

It's not working.

This will never, ever.

Oh, if you're going to make me get this on.

Yeah, that, yeah.

We watched the documentary was neat.

He was doing weird.

He's doing, no one's ever done jazz hands that hard.

Yeah.

It's like the hardest.

It's like the full Bob Fossey.

Like,

you can't.

Oh, we're going to get...

No.

That's okay.

Nobody, everybody probably.

Anybody who thinks that you and me are going to come here and be like, you know what, OJ got a real bum shake.

That, I don't think that.

They're not they're not watching no no no they're not no they're they're not this will never come up

it will literally never come up in their feed that both of us are like

seemed yeah oh i'll get in trouble for uh crying oh i already know you can you can highlight what people are going to not like and i'll get in trouble on this podcast for not hating the female astro astronauts

but not but you made me a slightly better person because i'm like well what do i hate about it so much And the answer is the outfits are cute.

Yeah.

If they were at your Halloween party, you'd be like, oh my God, you guys are so cute.

Like,

it's cute.

The money wasn't going somewhere else.

No, it didn't go.

No, it was.

It was, again, the choice was not books.

Yeah.

The choice was not like

tuberculosis hospital or this.

Yeah.

You're making me no, you're making me really, really about it now.

I always say, don't underestimate what a Karen we actually are.

Like, everyone looks at like Karens and they go, fuck that lady.

And you forget that you are a couple of people.

You're not a Karen.

I know.

I'm definitely a Karen a a lot of the time.

You heard about me, the other guy with the bike?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm rooting for the guy that was going to kill you.

Yeah, yeah.

I am, I am, I, the only thing that saves me from most Karen moments is that I've had a mic on the majority of my adult life.

Well, there's that.

And so, you recognize that you're, I always feel like everyone's always listening to me.

I love Karen videos, though, man.

I love it.

I mean, I just can't stop watching them.

My favorite one.

Have you seen the girl get choke slammed?

No, no.

It's the best one.

Where?

State?

Florida.

What part of Florida?

I'm guessing.

No, no, no, no.

Not part of Florida.

No, no, no.

Oh, not part of Florida.

It's called Karma Karen.

Karen comes fat.

Karma Karen?

Karma Karen Chokeslam.

Body Slam.

Just say Karen Body Slam.

Okay, in Toledo.

In Toledo.

Toledo, Ohio.

Is this it?

In Toledo, that's it.

This is so good.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

I've watched watched this a hundred times.

I already know exactly what this is.

I hope she's okay.

Oh, she goes.

This is no, I've seen it so many times.

I fantasize about this guy.

How is this kid so good at a body slant?

Because this kid's like got some moves.

Oh, this is from a different angle.

I've never seen this one.

No, this is the angle I've seen it from.

This kid's like got a full jiu-jitsu, and he's just like, the answer is no.

It's like, it's kind of nice when you see somebody just go full, dirty, hairy.

Yeah.

Here he goes.

Three, two,

board.

Oh, smack.

And

you're down.

Oh, man.

Doctors always say, try to land right here.

Doctors always say?

Yeah.

Try to let this part of your spinal cord and your brain connect at 300 miles an hour with ice, with Ohio ice and pavement.

It's crazy.

I feel like we've regressed.

So when I was raised, you weren't allowed to hit women no matter what, right?

Wait, wait, you still are not.

Definitely not.

Yeah, I know you like sports and everything, but no.

No, we're still.

But there's, but we're still like this.

We watch and we're going to be.

Oh, that's different.

That's different.

No, even if you got hit by a girl,

you're supposed to walk it off.

Yeah, so I went to a Hank Williams Jr.

concert at the Sun Dome when I was like 17 years old, and my buddies all got into a fist fight.

And

you're supposed to let girls hit you.

And this girl is the law.

Big tits, blonde, probably 5'10, starts beating the shit out of me.

I mean, if

you like the the girl that got slammed, again, I'm on her side.

And she got me to a place where I fell in between seats.

I couldn't move my arms to get them over my face.

And she's just punching the shit out of me.

And I'm just not scratching.

Not scratching.

Just wait.

I'm like, this girl grew up in like fucking Pasco County.

Like,

just unleashing on me.

And

I'm happy for her.

And I was like, someone, please punch this woman.

Someone please punch this woman.

I get the shit kicked out of me by a woman.

And then I remember we got out of the fucking sundome and they're at their car.

What did you do, though?

It was, it was, uh, I've never been an instigator on fights.

I'm always the guy that makes the smart ass comment, like, that sets it off.

You know, so what was the situation?

I'm sure it was my friends

fucking with the these older rednecks.

And I made the comment of, like,

I don't remember.

I don't really remember that fight.

I know for a fact.

I got punched one time.

I mean, it was so, so clean.

Lambda Kai, ATO, we're at Yanni's.

Uh, this is two days after the officers got acquitted for the Rodney King,

and uh,

I dropped in.

Uh, can't we all just get along?

It's just too soon.

Maybe it was too raw, and I got punched hard as fuck.

I mean, whose side am I on this one?

Give me a second, give me a second.

Two days after the fucking theoretically,

it was so good,

theoretically, it works.

I mean,

you fucked up by saying it.

I go, okay, guys, guys, guys, guys.

And I mean, they're in their face.

Can't we all just get along?

Right after, right after the Rodney camp, he had just said it.

Man, this is like topical before topical.

These are guys that probably hadn't even heard it.

And fucking boom, I got punched hard.

You know what?

It's weird.

You might have been going to get punched no matter what you said.

I think I was getting

ready for like, here comes this motherfucker.

Have you seen this motherfucker with the flip-flops and the thing?

And he's like, you know, fuck this guy.

I'll tell you the worst one.

The worst one.

He just added his name out, but his name's important to the story.

Can we?

Okay.

Just when you hear the name, you can picture him.

No, no, no.

You got to picture him.

I wonder if you can find him online.

Anyway, he was a beast.

He was our captain of our baseball team, and he is just fucking jacked.

He is one of the biggest men I've ever seen in.

You're not going to find him.

Yeah.

Cuban, thick neck, huge arms, big chest, big legs, fastest dude, the most natural athlete I'd ever seen in my entire life.

He's the captain of our baseball team, and we are screwing around, and he goes, Bert Chrysler, shut your face.

And I go, okay, give me a second.

Perfect.

And he doesn't like it.

And he goes, he goes, quit being a smart ass.

I go, oh, it's better than being a dumbass.

And he comes back and he starts a fight.

Me, Sean Kent,

Sean Hooker, Troy Kent, Dean Kent, Joe Schwell, and Jimmy Cook all.

get on this guy and they pull him off us, right?

And it's, no, it's, it's six of us.

Okay.

One guy.

One guy.

that's how manly this guy was so they all were all warming up baseball practice we're warming up and they say uh

don't worry he gets like that sometimes he gets hotheaded when he comes out he's probably gonna just apologize to you you know what he's gonna do he's probably gonna want to pull you aside and have a talk with you because he's the captain of the team I was like cool so we all get done warming up and we're walking back into the dugout and out comes Freddy with a baseball bat and we're like oh he's probably gonna want to he's gonna probably ask you to throw some BP to him and I was like okay yeah sure so then they go we'll give you guys some time so they five walk away and Freddy just comes up and no, crap, hits me with a baseball back.

In the head?

And I had no arm, in the arm.

I blocked with my arm.

I have my glove on and I have a ball in my hand.

I'm trying to punch him with a ball in my hand.

That's a bruise for like a year.

He was deep.

It didn't break it.

No, no.

But it's five guys.

That's a bruise that's like black purple

on me and him.

You know what's so crazy in a fight?

You don't feel it in the moment.

You feel it later.

You're all of a sudden like a day later.

You're like, why is my going to be a little bit more?

I never felt, yeah, I never felt in any fight where I got beat up, I never really noticed it.

Yeah, you don't notice it.

Well, the one thing you notice when you're really getting the shit kicked out of you is that you pee your pants usually.

It's the one thing you notice.

You're like, why am I peeing my pants?

Oh, because one dude's choking me on the ground and the other guy is beating me to death.

This guy beat up six of us.

He beat up six of us.

I don't think I'm not on this guy's side.

I think it showed your face.

I think funny stuff should be funny.

Funny stuff is allowed.

Here's the problem.

This is thing with something else.

This is the problem.

This is why you got to be really careful whenever you you make jokes about MMA guys because not all MMA guys have senses of humor.

You think?

I know for a fact.

I know for a fact.

Again, doctors always say fuck with this part of your brain as much as you possibly can.

Like whatever you do, if you're gonna fall or hit it thousands of times, make sure it's the frontal lobe, which includes creativity, your name, things like that.

Make sure that, like, you just keep, keep fucking, keep it awake with solid bone contact

You're supposed to get punched I'm not a doctor I'm Batman's doctor and also the doctor Memento but you're supposed to get a hard concussion to your head in life like once

and I believe my friend who's an actual like neuro guy is like it'd be better if you didn't get even that one.

Yeah.

It would be better.

You for sure don't get a bunch.

You got to be careful with MMA guys.

Like you got to know that they have a sense of humor if you're going to make jokes because some guys really don't have.

They're like, yeah, I don't, I didn't.

Do you choose that life if you're like the funniest guy in the room?

No.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to see if somebody can knee me in the eyeball.

You know what's so funny?

Until I either hear or I die.

Joe told me to get into jujitsu because it helps with confrontation.

Well, because you feel like it probably brings great calmness.

I think it's the idea that you touch, like even the idea of like touching another guy and wrestling with him makes me uncomfortable.

I go, yeah, I'd rather see that.

The idea is hopefully that you, most things could get settled very quickly.

Yeah, you know, I would love just a nice conversation and apology and just go, I'm sorry, I never should have said that.

There's been a couple guys where I like, I'll get texts and they're like, yeah, don't make, don't make a joke about that guy.

Yeah.

And I'm like, okay, cool.

Never mind.

Guy's dead to me.

Yeah, that's a different thing, getting in cages to fight and stuff.

As much as I love being a dick and also Karening out on people sometimes, but I'm also not a Karen.

I don't think.

Is this what all Karens say?

That they don't think they're Karens?

I think so.

I think we're all ultimately Karens.

No Karens think that they're Karens.

They all think that they were the good guy.

I was in therapy with my wife when we were talking about rage issues.

She's going through menopause.

And my hand.

Oh, no, I've met her.

No, you.

Yeah.

No, I've met her.

And our therapist goes, is there something you can say to her in a moment of rage that'll calm her down?

And I went, yeah, let me, like a safe word.

I go, okay, like, hey, you're acting like a fucking idiot.

Is that a good safe word?

She's like, no, that would just make her more mad.

I go, everything's going to make her more mad in a rage

moment.

No one has the wherewithal to be like,

you're right.

I'm overreacting.

Did you enjoy couples therapy?

I love it.

Oh, it's good for you.

I love it.

We just go and the lady basically tells us, like, oh, yeah, he's a fucking lot.

And you're, what are you doing now?

You're fanning his fires and he's a thing.

He's stopping people on the street.

I wish we could do couples, couples therapy.

He's a fucking.

Well, that would be easy.

Just, it's like a swap.

No, no, no, no.

I go in with your

me, you, and your wife.

It's like a key party, but you guys go.

No, we all go to the same therapist.

And we bring our other therapist, and then we all bring.

It's like a powwow.

It's like an awesome orgy of getting your shit together.

Oh,

you would love the shit I bring.

So we compete in therapy.

So we declare a win-up.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Again, Batman's doctor.

Dr.

Memento, we compete in therapy

is not what you're...

It's no.

My therapist, my therapist the other day, uh, literally.

Licensed psychiatrist or therapist?

I don't know.

What's the difference?

Uh, can they prescribe medication?

Oh, I want one of those.

That's a psychiatrist.

Fuck, let's go to can you do couple psychiatry?

Uh, I well, can you?

Hmm, that's a great question.

Or they go

this all gets sorted out.

You pick the two best recreational drugs just by chance, which I don't think is an accident.

Couple psychiatrists, and they put you guys on the stage.

You can get a straight-up ecstasy.

You're like, I don't know, what's good?

Xanax, Adderall.

So can you do couple psychiatry?

Probably.

Actually, I'm not sure if you can.

You can do couples therapy.

It's not supposed to counsel the friends.

You know, you go to couples therapy, and it's a lot about you feeling like, oh, well, yeah, oh, great.

I'm okay.

No, Leanne.

Everybody's mad at me.

Leanne trains for him.

Oh, she's ready.

She has a therapist just so she can win couples therapy.

Again, the win thing.

Do you know what she she did the other day?

She goes, we have therapy next tomorrow.

And I said, nice.

And she goes, you're going down.

And then did double guns.

That's not the way it is.

That's verbatim not the way that's supposed to go.

That's just not.

There's no way that's the way that she's pushed so fucking hard this last therapy.

This is not what you're supposed to be doing.

She brought up one that she thought she was going to win.

I'm just glad that we are not mad at those space origin ladies.

I think that's a great way to close this podcast out.

I think that now who's the next?

like who's the next going to space yeah it's got to be someone uncancelable like 50 cent logically

logically

if this was the ladies group

i think the next group is aerosmith they're gonna say arabs just from arabs and

aerosmiths i think it's aerosmith who's the weirdest it'd be fun to do like the who's the male equivalent to each of these like what who is the weird one that's we could do that very quickly oh my god who is the male equivalent to Gail King?

Gail is

middle deGrasse Tyson.

Except he's an actual physicist.

But he's also on TV a lot.

Who's the other Judge Judy?

Don Lemon.

Don Lemon.

Don Lemon.

Who's the other Judge Judy who's a guy?

Oh, Judge Joe Brown.

Yes.

Judge Joe Brown is one.

Okay.

Okay.

We're filming our perfect new spaceship.

Judge Joe Brown.

Oh, my God.

I'm taking it.

Kid Rock.

I think we're nailing it.

This is how home rock.

By the way, I like this one.

Yeah, I like this draft.

Hang on.

Space draft.

Are we doing all dudes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, all dudes.

I mean,

I think you got to put.

So you need someone who's like super, super, super liberal.

God, I wish Pete Rose were alive.

Yeah, and I wish Cooper.

Oh, okay.

Is he your Gail?

Yeah, he's probably,

right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or Al Roker.

Oh, that's so perfect.

Al Roker would be great.

Al Roker would be great.

And it's the same suit and everything.

Yeah.

He hits off.

He does the same whole.

Kid Rock, Al Roker, Judge Joe Brown.

We need an Asian.

I literally cannot give this.

Is there a GoFundMe?

Bobby.

We send Bobby Lee.

Well, this actually, then it gets good.

Bobby's actually good.

If you send Bobby.

No, it's too good.

It's too good.

We got a dialogue.

Way, way, way, way, way back.

Let's go way off.

We don't want top shelf hilarious.

What?

Dr.

Ken.

Dr.

Ken Ken Jong.

Ken's also really funny.

And he's a doctor, though.

So he could be like, he'll test Tampon.

No, but

he's too legit.

Yeah.

You need Asian.

Oh, what about Scott Lynn, the basketball player, Jeremy Lynn?

Don't know him.

Perfect.

Okay, yeah.

Jeremy Lynn, and he's just an advocate for.

Just Rando.

Yeah, we get Randos.

And then you need a

trust wife, like

Laura Sanchez.

Oh, Stedman.

Is Stedman still on the scene.

Is he alive?

No, he's alive.

I just noticed that nobody talks about him anymore.

Yeah, whatever happened to Stedman?

He definitely got sort of like, you know, that thing at a Japanese company where they don't fire you, but they keep moving you into the darkness and like they put you somewhere weird where you're just looking at a wall.

And they're like, oh, you're not fired.

You just don't, you're not in the sunshine anymore.

We'll just let you be.

We sent Jesse Itzler.

Remind me.

Jesse Itzler remind me.

His wife created Spanks.

He's an entrepreneur, but he'd be a good guy to go.

He created it, and he's like, he had to go to the bathroom.

There's a solid argument that

what Spanks has done for the world, was it a good thing?

There's a, I mean.

No, no, visually.

Visually, yes.

Visually, yes.

It is crazy when you get your wife naked and she has Spanks on, and you're like, that's what that was?

That's what that was.

It is crazy.

Because you'll see people when you're like, you are completely, what the f.

It happens on a lot of bridesmaids.

We're like, all these ladies seem like very normal.

Yeah.

Yesterday, at the,

we had to go to that weird lunch and everybody was normal.

Now,

and nobody's normal.

No.

No.

I saw my wife.

Everybody's got an exoskeleton.

Yeah.

A sexoskeleton, let's call it.

It's a sexy exoskeleton.

But it feels like, yeah, it does feel like you're going to get a lot of like, I mean, you know me, and even in my shorts, it's like Pillsbury.

You know, when you open the crescent rolls and it...

Yes.

Fairness.

I got a mail spank top that held your chest in and your stomach in, and it worked until someone touched you and they're like, did you just have surgery?

And you're like, no.

I get a lot of weird ads that are like, your man boobs are ruining your life.

And I'm like, what, what?

I'm like, how does my phone know that?

I think I embody dysmorphia in the right way, in the wrong way, where I look at my body and I go, nice.

And then I'm like, oh, that's great.

And then everyone's like, not, not nice.

I saw my wife putting on lotion naked today, and I thought to myself,

that's what a woman's supposed to look like.

But I go, that's not what they put it out there.

And I thought, Peter.

You put it out that you need a sexoskeleton.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You put that woman in spanks.

She looks like a fucking, I mean, she looks good already, but like, put her in spanks and it's a different fucking piece.

No, it's a very different thing.

That's what I was wondering.

Is it a great thing that's happened to the world?

I know.

We should all just be cool with our bodies.

It's a great question.

But also, if they made, I want to find out where you make the men's thing that does this.

I got it at

the, there was a store in a mall that was made for television.

You ever seen that?

Saltma.

What's it called?

Oh,

I've seen it on TV.

I've seen it on TV.

It's called literally something like that.

I've seen it on TV.

And I bought it in there, and I was like, this works so well.

It's just weird products that they can't legally sell anymore because something happened.

I wore a collared shirt because that's when my stomach always is a problem in collared shirts.

And I gave a guy a hug, and he's like, Oh, whoa, what happened?

Whoa, what are you talking about?

And he's like, Did you have surgery?

Or I was like, Huh?

Because it's hard.

It's hard as a rock.

Yeah.

That's what you want.

But the question is: so, what would what was a better idea?

By the way, I'm getting to a point where I go, Do I open a second bottle of wine?

What's a better idea?

A pill that makes you feel great about your body or a pill that makes your body great?

Oh, that's a great ethical question.

I think,

uh, here's a

zero question, and here's why this is an instant answer.

The one that makes you feel like it's great.

Because no matter how great your body gets, you won't feel good about it.

Okay, and here's a quick story I'm going to tell to that end that I think tells a lot about human nature.

So

I was in a movie a long time ago with Sam Waterston.

You know, Sam Watterston, workingist actor in the history of the world, maybe.

Sam Waterston, hundreds of movies

of TV shows.

And I was walking across the Paramount lot because I was working on something with Ed Helms, and I'm walking with Ed, and I see Sam Waterston's coming the other way, and I'm like, Sam!

He'd played my dad in a movie.

And he's like, Tom, he was great.

And he saw me with Ed.

He's like, What are you doing here at Paramount?

And I was like, Oh, I'm writing a movie for Ed.

And Sam Waterston said,

When did you quit acting and start writing?

And I was like, Oh, Sam, I was like, I never.

I was like, I've always been a writer.

I was like, I never, I never quit acting.

I just said, you know, like

acting is just such a ruthless

career.

And Sam Waterson said, when I said, like, acting is a ruthless career, Sam Waterson said,

you're telling me.

And I was like, okay, the actor who's worked the most in the history of the world

said,

excuse me, what I said was, acting is an unreliable profession.

And he said, you're telling me unreliable.

And I was like, okay, you've literally worked every day that I thought.

so like no matter what level you think you're at yeah

if you're doing it right you're probably gonna think that you're not crushing it

you're probably gonna think there's a level that you're not at that exists that's i only know that because the workingest actor in the world was like oh i get it i was like oh yeah That's so crazy.

I feel like that was stand-up.

I always look at people coming off stage that are stand-ups and they go, I crushed it.

I killed it.

I destroyed.

And then I'm like, wait, I didn't know.

Who feels that?

Uh-oh, delusional comics.

I've never, no.

Delusional comics.

I always walk on stage.

I was like, ooh, I go straight to Facebook.

I'm like, did anybody in Cambodia hate the movie?

Please tell me if you hated the movie, hated the movie.

Oh, everybody hated the movie.

And a lot of times, everybody hated the movie.

That's a real handy.

It's not always hard to find the...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dude, thank you for doing this.

You're the fucking best.

You are the fucking best.

You're like my new favorite friend.

Like,

I really enjoy your brain, and I know that you're so different than I am that it's it's like, it's so fun when I can't wait.

I'm going to watch the following and the covenant.

What's the one with the priests?

Conclave.

Conclave on the first.

Let's put on now Man who would be king.

Man who would be king.

And then let's go do that.

We just go take all the money, get all the resources.

Dude, there's got to be a couple countries I could be.

There's some countries where people have never heard of us

at all.

Until they do.

Until they do.

And they're like, just someone comes on a big case, they're like, can I get a picture with you?

And they're like, how did they know who you were?

And then they bite your ear and blood comes out.

No spoilers.

And then they watch our body of work.

And they're like, these guys are not gods.

This is the guy.

This is the guy that conquered our country.

Yeah.

Reno 911.

Fuck this guy.

He's a bad teacher.

Or they fall in love with you.

Once they see your body of work, you create, you

know, very unlikely.

He performs with his shirt off.

From a boat trip?

Boat trip.

I'm in boat trip.

I don't know why we shot it in Cologne, Germany, we did.

Show business is a struggle, guys.

Show business is a struggle.

You're telling me.

The only easy day in show business was yesterday.

You're the best.

Thank you for doing this, man.

Good back, brother.

Great fucking episode.

Bert and Tom, Tom, and Bert.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.

Martha listens to her favorite band all the time.

In the car,

gym,

even sleeping.

So when they finally went on tour, Martha bundled her flight and hotel on Expedia to see them live.

She saved so much, she got a seat close enough to actually see and hear them.

Sort of.

You were made to scream from the front row.

We were made to quietly save you more.

Expedia, made to travel.

Savings vary and subject to availability, blight-inclusive packages are at all protected.