Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

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100%.

You want to start it, Bert?

Yes.

Okay.

Hey, guys.

Fuck.

I fucked it up already.

That's okay.

I forget.

Well, I think I said that your big toe got amputated.

So is it, is it?

Or do you have it still?

I don't know.

No, I still have it.

I still have it.

That's great.

No, that's a great way to start.

Bert has his big toe again.

I still have my big toe.

Dude, I crushed that fucking thing.

Did you see the picture of it?

Of what thing?

My toe, my toe.

No, I don't even know what you're talking about.

Wait, my big toe, I crushed it.

Oh, I did not know that.

Oh, yeah.

I was referring to diabetes.

No, no, no.

Oh, what happened?

What happened?

I dropped a fucking whiskey bottle on it

and it broke my big toe and the toe next to it, and they were black.

They're good now.

It happened a couple of weeks ago.

You can find a picture online, I'm sure.

But

there's a

by the way, I have a.

I have a

nerve conduction test nerve conduction yeah so like I still have nerve issues in this arm really yeah

and certain things prompt that's why these bruises are here by the way so certain things prompt it so they do a nerve conduction test

to like see what's going on and I go in this guy's like so um why are we doing this and I was like

to get an update on how my arm's doing.

And he goes, what happened to your arm?

And I'm like, I broke it, and he's like,

How'd you break it?

So, I like tell him the whole story, and then he's like, So, is it like, does your arm not work or something?

And I'm like, No, it works, but like, I have nerve issues.

Like, don't you do nerve tests here?

Isn't this what this is?

He's like, Yeah, I just, I don't know anything about you.

I don't know what, like, what's going on, and I go, okay.

So, here's what happened.

And, you know, I had a nerve transfer done.

Which nerve did they transfer?

And I'm like, I don't know the fucking name of it, man.

Like, it was here, and now it's here.

And then he's like, okay.

And he goes, Do you know what kind of damage you have?

I go, yeah, I have some like radial nerve damage.

You know, you have different nerves that go down your arm, ulnar nerve.

You sure it's radial?

I go, yeah, but that's what they've always said.

And he's like, all right.

He goes, don't be freaked out by this.

Okay.

And I go, okay.

And then he pulls out a book and he starts reading about it.

He's like,

and I'm like, what are you doing?

He's like, like, I don't really do radial nerve stuff usually.

And I'm like, cool.

So then I'm like, then he hooks me up, is zapping my arm.

It's the worst, like, electrical shocks going through your arm, sticks needles in there and like sends volts through my arm.

And I'm like, ah.

And I'm like, so am I learning anything from this fucking test, man?

He's like, you said it was your radial nerve?

I go, yeah.

He goes, let me try one more thing.

And he sticks one more in my arm.

I'm like, ah, fuck.

And he's like, okay.

He's like, all right.

And then he sends a report.

Patient has radial nerve damage.

Everything else is fine.

I'm like, what the fuck did I learn from this, dude?

It was the worst fucking 40 minutes of my life.

And he's just like, yeah, you're right.

It does suck.

That's it.

That's what I learned.

That's cool.

Yeah, it was real cool.

It was really cool.

That would make me fucking crazy.

He was reading about it.

I don't have your ability to go to the doctor the way you do.

Like, you like going to the doctor and to the dentist and stuff like that.

I went today, yeah.

To what?

Well, here in LA, I went and got an EKG.

For real?

Yeah.

Just to see how it's going.

Guess what?

They're like,

perfect.

He says perfect.

Really?

Have you gotten the CAT scan where they check to see how much blockage you have?

Yeah.

I've had that.

I've had the calcium cardiac rating and

CT scan.

I've done a lot of things.

I went to the dentist.

I had a lump in my mouth.

It was pretty scary.

Like a legit, like a legit lump.

Like

and oh, yeah.

Ah yeah.

You start questioning all the fucking decisions you've made.

And what happened?

Nothing?

The day I go, it disappeared the day I'm going.

It just goes away.

And I was like, okay, so do I not bring it up?

Because I know it's been there for a while.

Do I not bring it up?

Or do I bring it up and just go, you know, and it's gone?

So I go in because I, you know, I had a tooth fall out.

Wait, recently?

Yeah.

I had a

fallout.

Like you were just talking and then a tooth bounced off your tongue?

No, I was eating something and it came out.

It was a crown.

Well, I know it wasn't an apple.

What were you eating?

I think sushi.

It was nothing.

Sushi.

And so

I had to get the crown put back in.

And, you know, I don't trust white dentists.

I only go to like Peruvian dentists.

I did that.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah, because white ones always try to upsell you because they get a boat.

Peruvian one is just happy that he can do dentistry.

Yeah.

And so he.

I went to a bunch of Armos when I lived here.

Oh, for real?

Yeah.

I went to Armenian dentists, yeah.

I told him about the lump, and he was like, he's like, all right, let's do an x-ray, see if it's cancer.

And I was like, fuck.

And then they do the x-ray.

He didn't say, let's do the x-ray and see if it's cancer but he's like let's do the x-ray we'll look around he's like comes back and he was like yeah

when was the last time you had your teeth cleaned and I was like oh it's been a while and Leanne was there and you know I don't I don't tell the truth truth I go it's been a little bit and Leanne goes it's it's been 20 years and

he goes let's get your teeth cleaned

And he's, he's like, we can do it right now.

And I was like, no, I got a really busy day, but we can do it later.

And Leanne's like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

So, I'm doing it in like late February.

You put it off?

I put it off.

Why?

I just fucking it gives me anxiety.

Do you know what that happens if you have mouth cancer?

Oh, buddy.

Have you seen Roger Ebert when he had it?

Pull up,

pull up, pull up this.

How did he get mouth cancer?

I forget what caused it, but when he,

oh, come on, man, hold on, hit the images.

I saw it, I saw it.

That's fucking,

yeah,

And they take basically your bottom jaw.

They took his jaw off.

Yeah.

Well, I don't have mouth cancer.

Thank God.

He did the x-ray.

He's like, you're fine.

He's like, we just need to clean your teeth.

Oh, motherfucker, that was scary.

That's scary.

My wife's cousin

had tongue cancer, and they had to take out his tongue.

And I think they replaced it with like a finger or something.

A finger.

Not a finger.

Not a finger.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

I I don't need to see that ever again.

So

you can take it down.

You can get penis cancer.

Dude, come on.

Come on.

I can't get...

I hope I get murdered.

I just hope I get murdered.

It doesn't have to be that extreme.

I'd rather get murdered than have to go to the bottom.

How would you choose to be murdered?

You want it to be quick or you want it to be a real struggle?

I would like it to be a struggle.

So you're looking at probably strangulation or stabbing, right?

That's what would be...

Those would be.

I would like to feel like I had a chance.

Then strangled, probably.

Strangled.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not by like, but I wanted to be like a fucking savage.

Like, I want him to be a badass.

Dude, I didn't tell you.

We went to Paris.

Yeah.

How was it?

It's crazy, because you know what made me think about that?

I went for a jog one morning.

I love jogging at like 6 a.m.

in a foreign city.

It's like my favorite thing in the world to do.

It's my favorite thing.

So at 6 a.m., it's still dark.

It doesn't get dark until like 9 and light until 9.

So it's dark as shit.

And I'm jogging in Paris and I realize I was scared.

And that means I have nothing to be scared of because they don't have guns.

Oh, there's still reasons to be scared in Paris.

For real?

Yeah.

It seemed like there were no homeless people and no racism, which I thought was awesome.

No, yeah, I think you were probably in a pretty good neighborhood.

For real?

Yeah, Paris is a big city.

There's a lot of dicey areas in Paris.

Do you think there's racism in Paris?

Yeah.

For real?

Definitely.

Because you see, it seems like everyone just gets along.

No, they don't.

For real?

Yeah, they have a real...

I mean, there's been the last decade, this influx of

Muslims that have moved there, and

there's a lot of outspoken

Islamophobes.

They have their issues, man, for sure.

The only thing I noticed is that their black guys don't wear cool shoes.

Well, here's what this says.

Racism has been called a serious social issue in French society, despite widespread public belief that racism does not exist on a serious scale in France.

Anti-Semitism and prejudice against Muslims have a long history.

I asked my bartender, I was like, is there racism here?

And he's like, no, not really.

We love everyone.

This isn't like America.

You're obsessed with racism.

And I was like, dude, I'm so obsessed with racism.

I'm picking out people you should hate.

Yeah.

Like, I'm walking down the street going, you can't smell that fucking guy.

Well, yeah,

you sound like a local.

Don't let that guy fool you.

That's, he's full of shit.

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Yeah, you know what I did though?

This isn't this is my new thing.

Yeah, this is my new thing.

Yeah,

we go.

Leanne liked the lotion she got.

I forget the name of the lotion.

And so we went to that store.

They had one on the

France de la Say.

Champs de la Say.

Chomps.

Man, your French is absolutely impeccable.

Keep going.

And so we go to get the lotion, and

I'm like, and the guy goes, do you like cologne?

And I was like, no, I don't really wear cologne.

And he goes, oh, but

let me try something to you how you have to smell.

And I was like, okay, give me something good.

And you know what he says?

It's like this guy knew to me.

He goes, do you know Napoleon Bonaparte?

I said, yeah.

And And he goes, Would you like his cologne?

I go, I can buy Napoleon Bonaparte's cologne.

And he goes, Yes, this was his favorite cologne.

This is what he wore.

So I bought Napoleon's cologne.

How is it?

It's fucking awesome.

It's citrusy.

Dude, then I went, I get drunk that night.

I'm on the balcony and I'm and Leanne's asleep.

And I started buying dictators' colognes.

I got

Churchill's cologne.

I got,

who's the writer?

Ernest Hemingway's cologne?

Those aren't.

I got Stalin's.

Dude, you can get everyone.

Every dictator had a scent.

Well, Hemingway and Churchill were not dictators.

Just famous people.

It was like famous people.

Yeah, sure.

Like, I thought that was fucking.

It's such a cool present.

That is a cool one.

That is a cool one.

So who has the best smell of those four?

I bought them.

They're all getting delivered.

Oh, they're all getting delivered.

Yeah, I'm going to get.

I'm so excited.

Okay, here's some other people out there.

So George Washington.

Oh, George Washington.

Can I tell you something crazy?

George Washington existed before they knew knew what dinosaurs were.

Didn't know that.

They thought they were dragons.

Caswell Massey number six.

Napoleon.

I bought George Washington's.

Jean-Marie Falinet Eau de Colon for Napoleon.

That's what I bought.

Winston wore Creed Tabarome, a bespoke blend with tobacco notes fitting.

Ernest Hemingway just dumped a bottle of liquor down his face, and it's American 31, whatever, 131 by Krigler.

Oh, John F.

Kennedy.

Did you buy his?

Eight and five.

No, I didn't buy his.

I bought Elvis's.

Elvis's was like a cheap cologne.

It was like, it was like six bucks, I think.

Everybody should get Leo's.

He does pretty well.

Eau de Adion

by Enik Gutal.

Hmm.

I got kind of fascinated by it.

That's kind of a cool thing.

You know what I was going to do?

I was going to say, what should Escobar wear?

Dude, that's the gangsters.

You got to find out what the gangsters wore.

Yeah.

I could not find out what clone Hitler wore.

Yeah.

Not that I was looking to buy it.

That's, I don't know.

That's a weird.

That's oh, that's called Pablo Escoba.

That's a different thing.

I wonder, yeah, how about colognes that gangsters wore?

Oh, like

let's see if there's a list of those.

No.

he wears cool water, doesn't he?

Well, in 93 he did, but I don't know about it now.

He smells good.

I got some, I got some Tom Ford cologne because I had to go to a Sebastian show, so I was like, I'm gonna go buy cologne,

put on some Sebastian.

Was it the requirement to walk in?

Well, I was like, I was like, I don't want to be the only one without cologne, sure.

You know, that that arena

fucking smelled good.

Yeah, It's a blend of just all the scents.

Where was it?

Where was the show?

The forum.

It was a while ago.

And I went up to Sebastian and I was like, hey.

He was like, what?

And I was like, smell me.

He's like, huh?

I go,

I bought cologne for you.

He was like, huh?

I go, I wore cologne for you because it's your show.

He's like, what are you talking about, Bert?

You bought cologne for my show?

For me?

I'm not going to smell you, Bert.

It's a f ⁇ ing guy.

Put some shoes on.

You got flip-flops at my show?

No, that's pretty cool.

So you just took a leisurely trip to Paris?

Yeah.

Must be nice.

Must be nice.

Oh.

Very relatable.

Do you worry about your kids?

What if they're like rich kids?

I mean, they're such

just little dudes who don't care about.

I mean, they're of an age where they just don't care about anything but like

having fun and breaking things.

They're just like boys, you know?

like they're just they're into

wreaking havoc did i tell you about i show you the text message no that i got this is funny um

so there's doing some work at the house so there's been like construction crews there yeah

and

the contractor texted me he goes uh everything's okay

um

It's okay

This is okay, but I just got to share this.

Allegedly, your super human children totaled the porta potty.

They ransacked our outside wood storage, pulverized a 50-pound two-inch stone that we needed to reinstall.

There's also three evidence of a fire, three bloody knives, and the toilet seat is gone.

So that's my little cool guys.

That's what they

I was like, I don't know what to say.

I'm so sorry.

He's like, oh, no, we're laughing.

It's very funny, but everything's destroyed.

They destroyed everything.

And then

I confronted the boys.

First, Ellis.

I was like, hey, man,

did you destroy the port-a-potty and ransack the woods and break this thing?

And he goes,

it was Julian.

I go, really?

Your six-year-old little brother just decided to do that on his own?

He goes, I saw it happening, but it was mostly him.

I go, oh, mostly.

He was like,

and he goes, I'm sorry.

I may have said for him to do some of those things.

I was like, oh, so this was your idea?

He goes, no, it was both of ours, but he did most of it.

I'm like, cool, man.

I go, you know, I have to pay for this, right?

I get the bill.

He goes, oh, you do?

How much?

I was like.

Thousands of dollars.

He's like, no.

He goes, we will pay you back.

I go, no, you fucking won't.

You're not paying me back

with what I've given you.

No.

So,

no.

But yeah, that's them.

So they're just like little dudes is my point.

They're not like,

you know, that's not great, but they're just like little, you know, they just like to be little boys.

They're not into like labels or

like things that are nice.

They're just into like, can something go, can they go fast?

You know, they're like riding bikes down a hill and they're, he, he took a tricycle down the hill that he's too big for and the wheels came flying off.

And he was like, it was so, so fucking fast, the shit exploded.

Like, that's what he's into.

It's just being a crazy little kid.

So maybe I'll stay at Charo's house.

Please.

It is such an ordeal.

I mean, my whole life, I've been trying to find the perfect.

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Maybe I'll stay at Charlo's house.

I was thinking, that would be great.

I was thinking about moving to Austin for a month.

They have an extra room.

I was looking at, I was like, I was like, either, do they really?

Yeah.

Oh, you'd have a great time.

I would love for you to do that.

Yeah.

I think you would enjoy that.

I'll move in with Charlie.

I'm going to do a reality series.

Fucking sign him up.

Let's do it.

I love it.

Yeah.

I was thinking about, I got to do.

I wonder how long it would take before you actually were like, I think I'm suicidal.

I think I want to actually end my own life.

Really?

You don't think it would be the other way around?

That she would?

Yeah.

No.

You don't think I'd drive her nuts?

I don't know, man.

I think.

I'm an interesting roommate.

I bet you are.

What would your dad say?

Oh,

my dad.

Oh, fucking.

What?

My dad doesn't.

No one gets me.

Like, no one understands me.

I don't even understand myself.

I had like a moment where I said to Leanne, I was like, am I a narcissist?

I said this in Paris, and she was like, no, you're not a narcissist.

I go, would a narcissist know it, though?

Like, does a narcissist go like, no, I'm not a fucking narcissist?

Or they go, yeah, I'm a narcissist.

It's wild.

That's an actually interesting question.

I feel like

most of the time the person would reject the notion.

They would be like,

I would.

think so.

They wouldn't question it.

No, I don't think

I think if you said it to somebody who's like defined that way, they would not

see themselves as that.

Yeah, see, a narcissist may be aware that others perceive them that way.

They do not often see their behavior as problematic and therefore may not consider themselves to be a narcissist.

Essentially, they may know their reputation, but not necessarily view their traits as negative, justifying them as their signs of greatness instead.

I wonder what I have.

Do you, you mean like a behavioral thing?

Yeah.

Like your psychological profile?

Like I said, Leanne got

got mad at me today.

We walked out of couples therapy and I said, I said that was a tie.

And she went, we can't look at therapy that way.

And I was like, I have to.

And I honestly, if I had shut my mind, I knew I could have.

Why do you have to see it that way?

I don't know.

It makes it fun for me.

Did you enjoy it?

Yeah, today I did.

But she said, I have such a fucking dysfunctional brain.

Our therapist said, you know, just give me a heads up.

If you ever say that you're going to harm yourself, you're going to do drugs

and kill yourself or do, you know, I've got to report you.

And

then I was like, all right, how do I slide some of this in?

Just how close can I get to the fucking, to the fire?

Yeah.

But it was a good one.

Therapy today was a good one.

How about histrionic personalities or HPD?

Do you think maybe you have this?

What's that?

Well, here's the symptoms.

Attention seeking, being uncomfortable.

Okay, hold on.

Go slow.

Go slow.

Okay.

Being uncomfortable when not the center of attention and acting out to get it.

Everyone shut the fuck up, okay?

Okay, I might have that.

Keep going.

Okay.

Dramatic behavior, being overly emotional, dramatic, or expressive.

Okay.

All right.

Keep going.

I got that.

Having emotions that change quickly and seem shallow to others.

Like, give me an example.

Well, that

you could

change your emotion from a dramatic, let's say, sadness to excitement to happiness.

I got that, I got that, I got that.

Being overly concerned with physical appearance and using it to draw attention.

Oh, you mean like taking pictures of my dick and posting them on Instagram?

Yeah.

Okay.

Believing relationships are closer than they are and having difficulty maintaining them.

No,

I have a a hard time maintaining relationships.

Do you believe?

Yeah, I think you believe that relationships are closer than they are sometimes.

Not like with you and me, I mean with other people.

Yeah, I think so.

And then I have a hard time replying to people, and I don't text people back, or I don't reach out to people.

Being overly sensitive to criticism or disapproval.

Come on.

You know I got that.

Okay.

Being easily led by others, especially people they admire.

Yeah, goddammit, I got that too.

I mean, you're kind of checking all the boxes here.

Acting inappropriately sexual or provocative to gain attention or approval.

Uh-oh.

No.

Speaking dramatically with strong opinions, but few facts or details to support them.

I can answer that one for you.

Quickly tiring of routines, jobs, friends, and romantic partners.

Quickly what?

Tiring of routines, jobs, friends, and romantic partners.

No, I've been with the same chick for fucking 20 years, and she's just gotten older.

Having a a low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification.

Yes, I got that.

I'm drinking right now because I'm frustrated.

HPD is often coexistent with other mental conditions like anxiety.

I got that.

The cause is not entirely known, but can involve abuse, trauma, or neglect.

So I got HPV?

Well, you might, and that's something that a doctor can check, but you might have HPD.

Histrionic personality disorder.

Yeah.

Should we read more about it?

Yeah.

Gave me some famous people with histrionics.

Give me some famous people with histrionics.

Like, who else am I like?

Okay.

Let's see.

Who was a famous person with it?

Megan Fox, Jessica Simpson, Kim Kardashian.

But that's also...

That's not...

That's just like that's somebody saying.

That these people have it.

You know what I mean?

Kim K and I are the same.

You guys are the same.

I wonder if we could be friends or if we just like fucking drive each other nuts.

Yeah, I don't know.

This is like, but this is like diagnosing people from afar, you know, saying that they say Miley Cyrus has a very obvious case of it.

I don't know.

So

is it just people like see, here's the thing I have a hard time with, okay?

Oh, that's a good group to be involved in.

Anna Nicole Smith, Jerry Sandusky,

Amber Heard,

Megan Megan Fox.

Yeah.

And Bert Kreischer.

Can you get Bert added to this list, somebody?

Please have him pull up right under Sandusky.

Some have assumed that Megan Fox has HBD based on her symptoms.

It's a fucking, it's all hot chicks.

I'm a hot chick.

You're kind of a hot chick.

Yeah.

I'm a hot mess.

That's really interesting.

It's kind of good to know what you have.

It is good.

Also, is there any treatment for for it?

It's probably therapy.

No, I don't want treatment.

I like me.

That sounds like a very histrionic thing to say.

Yeah.

Like, I was saying to Leanne, I was like, I don't, because I can't understand, like,

I never really understood, like,

I asked Ari a question on the podcast we did with him, and I was like, what do you hope to gain out of this special?

His special

Jews coming out on Netflix, too.

Yeah, but he has America's sweetheart out right now, which is really great.

He's a sweetheart, is really great, and it's beautiful.

But I'm curious because Ari has always said he doesn't want fame, he doesn't want money.

So it's like,

I've always been honest with what I wanted.

Like, I want people to watch my special Lucky Coming Out March 18th.

I want people to watch it.

I want people to watch it because I want to continue doing stand-up.

And I want to...

I would hope to make money while I do stand-up.

And I want to travel the world doing stand-up.

And I like being on stage.

I do like being the center of attention.

But I don't understand the person like yourself, you don't like being the center of attention, but you have a draw to get on stage.

I don't like being the center of attention off stage.

I do like being the center of attention on stage.

But okay, so how can you, I would think this, it would go hand in hand.

That if you want to be the center of attention, then

why,

like, I don't, I can't wrap my head around that because I think my whole thing is based around

like being on stage and being on stage, like being, always being on stage, always being having a lot of stuff.

But that's the difference.

I just, I have a separation for it.

For me, I don't want all the attention when I'm walking around or talking to people or in a restaurant.

I don't want to be the center of attention.

I like being the center of attention when I walk out and I,

you know,

I just

step and grab that mic.

I, I want to

be the center of attention then, you know, like when I'm talking when I'm talking to people.

It's so interesting to me because

I can't imagine, I can't see the juxtaposition, you know?

Yeah, I think for me, it's just when performing.

I do want you to focus on me performing, but I don't want it offstage.

I don't know.

I understand it.

It feels like too much for me offstage.

Oh, I just see it never turns off.

I just feel it.

It's never off.

Like, it was kind of interesting, and this is going to sound, whatever it's going to sound like, it is truth.

is I didn't get wrecked.

I got recognized like maybe four times in France.

And it was kind of cool.

It hadn't happened in a while to know that no one's watching you.

Like, it was kind of cool to go somewhere and then you could just, and like, no one, no one gave a fuck about you, and no one was staring at you.

And it kind of bothers you too.

No, it didn't bother me.

You know, it was funny.

I don't know.

I get recognized a lot.

Like, I think probably more than other people.

I don't know why.

I think it's because I'm loud and I care.

I'm a big guy and I talk loud and I feel energy is also like

look at me a little bit.

A little bit.

And um, and uh,

I saw guys, like in the States, I can see,

if I see a guy, I go, that guy's going to recognize me.

Like I can see that there's

a body type, clothing type where you go, this guy's going to recognize me.

And I would see those, I would see the type of guy that should recognize me, not recognize me.

And it was kind of like caught me off guard.

The first day, I'd be like, oh, fucking big guy in shorts and cold weather with a fucking hoodie on, beard.

He's about to say something.

He's about to say, oh the machine yeah yeah and never quit drinking and and uh he just walked right by me and i was like wait did you want to i'd walk by him a second time like you sure

you really do i don't know if i've ever met anybody who likes it as much as you you really like it it's and you know i think there's a subset of people that that find that shameful they're like that's kind of gross but i but i can't i can't wrap my head around the fact that it's not gross that i i can't i can't wrap my head around the fact that people would see that as gross.

I go, yeah, but I got on stage.

Like, you saw me that I got on stage.

You saw that I wanted you to pay attention to me there.

You know, I'm, it's, I think it's the same part of my personality disorder, the HPV, that, uh, yeah, that I got where I go, yeah, no, it's like, I, like,

when people are like, like, sounds like you're coming to terms with it.

I, you know, Ari said, uh, you always make it about yourself.

And Tom, I couldn't understand what that, I don't know what that sentence means.

Like, really?

I really don't, and I don't know how I do it.

And I, I said it to Leanne in Paris, we were having, and I said, do I make things about myself?

And she goes, yeah.

And I said, but doesn't everyone?

And she goes, no.

And I was like, but wait, when do I do it?

She goes, you're doing it right now.

She was like, we're at dinner and you're saying, do you make things about, you're making this about yourself?

And I was like, wait, but I'm so confused.

I actually was going to, because Joe's said it to me before.

Yeah.

Joe's said it to me before on a podcast.

Ari said it to me the other day.

So I was like, in my head, I was like, I wonder if they've talked about it behind my back.

And I was like, I was like, I might ask my friends to tell me what I'm doing it.

If, because if it bothers people, I want to stop.

Oh, it bothers people, but it's,

but you really don't know what that means.

Like, what you don't understand what they're saying?

I don't know what that means.

Like, I don't understand.

I don't understand.

It means that, like, somebody is saying, you know,

making an observation, telling a story, and then

that your contribution, of like you what you do instinctively is go here's what happened to me one time so in their mind

you're they're telling the thing that happened to them and you're pivoting it to something about you so it's about i did that i did that today i just did that to you

sure when right now you said you said it's so funny it's such a natural part of my personality it is it's part of your personality

You told me about your radial nerve damage, and I immediately told you about me going to the dentist.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but I mean, I don't know.

I consider that talking.

I know you do.

Do people not do that?

Sometimes.

And I have, like, you're not, like, alone in that.

No, a lot of people do that.

I mean, I've done that.

What are you supposed to do?

You're supposed to just go like, that's cool.

I think they would, like, some people would say, well, focus on that person telling that story.

Ask them questions about the story.

Like, make it about them.

And then there could be like a natural

time to make it about,

you know.

Okay,

do it again.

Tell me a story, and I'm going to make it not about me.

Okay.

Tell me a story.

I did it when you said your kids.

I just,

I don't even know I'm doing it.

Yeah, I believe you.

I believe you.

I think, I mean, your natural instinct is to like hear something and go, well, what's my version of that?

Or I have something to say about that, right?

Here, what does this say?

How to stop talking about yourself.

Okay.

That's not good for stand-up, though.

Well,

if you're using the words, I, me, and my in your conversation, you may not be having a conversation.

You may only be talking about yourself.

Actively concentrate on this when you're speaking to others.

After all, the only way to stop a behavior is to recognize it.

An exception would be statements such as, I agree or I hear what you're you're saying.

A great way to remember this is to keep a rubber band around your wrist.

Every time you catch yourself using those words, snap the rubber band.

Start practicing these steps when conversing with others.

Ask them

to tell you if you've missed a step.

Most friends will be supportive.

Okay, tell me a story.

Tell me a story.

Okay, hold on.

Sweet.

Okay, I'm going to start and I'll just ask you a question.

Okay.

So

I saw the.

Oh, fuck.

I saw.

God damn it.

You can say that.

Yeah, okay.

I saw the clip of Charo on

this morning.

Oh my god.

How's it been having her in Austin?

Because I'm so curious.

It's she is

it's

man.

She's one of a kind.

She's hilarious.

She's a handful.

She is that day

she came on the podcast that came out.

She came on.

She ate an edible.

She drank, I don't know, a couple glasses of wine.

My mom only drinks decaf coffee, and she drank five cups of coffee, regular coffee on that podcast.

Five.

Five full mugs of coffee.

Five in like 90 minutes.

She was just all over the fucking map in just the most unpredictable, volatile, hilarious, and mind-bending way.

I mean, she was,

yeah, she was like shot out of a cannon.

And

no, she's, she's a lot of fun, but yeah, you know, she's a lot, dude.

My mom's a lot.

Okay.

People do that.

That was really good.

That was good.

Okay, we're done with your story.

So let me explain to you what happens when I'm listening.

Because now that when you say,

I fucking do not listen to people.

Yeah.

I am not.

Okay.

I think I figured out how to do this.

So is the thing that in your mind, when you're listening, you're like, I just, I don't want, I want this to be done so I can talk.

No, no, no.

I hear things you say

and I think, and I immediately internalize it about how have I experienced something like that.

Yeah.

So

you said my mom ate edibles and had three glasses of red wine.

And as I'm listening, I'm telling you everything you said as you said it, what I thought.

I said, God, man, I think it would be fun living with Charo.

and then you said my mom only drinks decaf coffee and i said i said i hate decaf coffee i but i can't drink a lot of coffee and you said she had five cups of regular coffee and then i wanted to tell you about the time that i had five espresso shots and threw up all night and then you said uh

you said the the last thing you said about about her and i was like and i wanted to tell you and she about her eating edibles then i wanted to tell you about the story of when my dad ate edibles recently and go like how do you what's going on with our our parents that they're eating edibles now at the age?

Is it about depression or whatever?

So when I hear a story, when someone talks to me, I internalize it of like a, like a throwback almost.

Yeah.

I think some of that feels like

like you don't want to listen though.

Like, like, like if you were to just listen, like sit back and listen, like that would make you anxious almost.

Like it makes you anxious to just listen to the person because you're like, I have to relate it to something that I know.

Do you think it's part of my social anxiety?

Because I don't, I can't, I'm not comfortable being in a car with a stranger because I'm not comfortable with silence.

Silence makes me very uncomfortable.

Holy shit.

So, like, and when we were in Paris, Pete, uh,

my Peter, uh, Peter set me up with a trainer because we're doing the bench press competition.

Set me up with a trainer at

the Louvre

at the Art Museum?

No, yeah, it's the Louvre, like, not Planet Fitness, but the Louvre,

what are they called?

Like,

cross trainer, cross fitness, the Louvre.

Okay.

And I had, I mean, I was, I had horrible anxiety about the idea that I had to be with someone I didn't know for about an hour.

Like, it was, oh, it was, dude, it was, it kept me up.

It kept me up at night and it, and it made me sick in the morning.

And I was like, fuck.

And then they texted, are you coming in at noon?

And I was like, oh, my God.

I was having so much panic about it.

And then how did it go?

It was great, but man, I fucking talked.

That guy did not say one goddamn word.

I talked the whole fucking time.

And I'm, because I'm so nervous about silence.

It makes me so anxious.

That makes sense as, like, because you talk a lot in general terms, you always you talk a lot.

Yeah, I do talk a lot, but I talk a lot because I think silence makes me uncomfortable.

And if I can be silent around you, that means I really like you.

So you're, you can be silent like

around you and around Leanne and the kids

my kids I can be silent around

I'm it's not everyone I can be silent around Peter

what makes you anxious about like why can't you be silent around other people you think I feel like I'm letting them down

like I feel like they're I feel like They wanted to have a conversation and I just didn't deliver.

Like I always, I've said this to you.

I've always admired how you can not talk to people oh and by the way i have sense that i'm letting them down and then i'm like let them down

i i want to

i want them to walk away being like god

that was so fucking he didn't say anything like yeah that's that's exactly right Do you know, I had a friend one time, I won't say his name, but he was a friend, I mean, I lived with him at one point.

And

we moved to LA together, like around the same time.

He moved out.

Yeah.

Same time.

And we were on the beach in L.A.

And he said,

yeah, my brother's coming out here.

And I said, you have a brother?

And he goes, you've known me for five years.

You didn't know I had a brother?

I was like, well, you never talked about him.

He goes, no, you never let me talk about him.

Wow.

And I was like, oh, yeah, I never asked any questions.

His brother was a bodybuilder.

And I was like, wait, you have a brother who's a bodybuilder?

It's five years, it's

five years, probably more.

And I realized I don't do that.

I just don't.

And then sometimes I like

Lorenzo's brother's a bodybuilder?

No, it wasn't Lorenzo.

Lorenzo was like me.

Lorenzo couldn't shut up either.

I remember that.

Yeah, he was in a good way, but like we were both the same kind of like, just nervous.

It's like nervous.

I don't know.

Like, and I think it had, i know mine has to do with social anxiety and so to be fair to you to be fair to you thank you i think some of my

not talking is a version of anxiety manifesting itself too do you know what i mean

yeah in certain situations i'd just rather not talk there's also it also has to do with wait hold on

You don't want to talk?

I'm saying, look, there's some times where I'm very comfortable just not speaking, right?

Like, just naturally, not I'm fine with it.

But I'm saying there are certain situations where I might have some anxiety, and my way of dealing with it, whereas you would speak more, my way of dealing with that would be to not speak.

You know what I mean?

I wish I had that.

So I'm nervous and I'm just not going to talk.

Yeah, I wish I could.

I remember when I first got in the business, my manager at the time, Barry Katz, said, get information, don't give it.

And I got a development deal for like, I don't know,

like $100,000 or something, maybe a little more.

And he said, do not tell anyone that you got a development deal and don't tell anyone

how much money it was.

And I was like, really?

He goes, get information, do not give it.

These comics will not like you if they find out that you made a hundred and twenty five thousand dollars or whatever on a development deal with Will Smith trust me and I couldn't understand

that someone wasn't rooting for someone like I couldn't get it and the very first person that came up as I still work the door at the Boston Comedy Club the very first person that came up was Patrice O'Neal

And he said, I heard you got a deal.

And I said, nah.

And he goes, yeah, you got a deal.

And I said, yeah I did and I was like fuck I shouldn't have said that and he goes how much I go and he goes hundred thousand and I went no and he goes less I went no and he goes more okay 125 and I went yeah

he just walked away and I was like god damn it I did everything Barry said not to do yeah I did it so quickly

Yeah, I can't keep my mouth shut.

Yeah, this is not this is not new.

I mean I know, but I'm it's new to me how is it new i don't realize i'm doing it you have to recognize you're doing it no i'm recognized now that i'm doing it but i didn't realize like when ari said you you make everything about yourself i was so confused i was so confused by that statement but i mean lean said that a lot she said that a lot i've heard her say like yeah that whole story listen to her Is this what like the therapy is about?

Is this why it doesn't tie?

No, dude.

I go in with a game plan.

You do?

Yeah.

I don't fucking know.

You're like, I'm going to win today.

Dude,

we didn't have anything to talk about today, and I was like, I'll bring up a fight that I won.

Put her in the weeds.

Yeah.

Leanne got on her heels a little bit, and then I was like, I was like, ah, I'll get her out.

I'll walk out with a tie on this one.

Yeah, felt you were okay with that.

Yeah.

And we're doing in-person therapy, which I've never fucking done.

Productive.

Ugh.

I don't even think, I don't think the, I just had a a hint today that the therapist may not own the house we go to therapy in.

Hmm.

Like rents out the space?

Rents out the back space as an office.

That's not unheard of, though.

But

maybe I need to, I need to profile my therapist a little more.

You don't like that?

No.

Okay.

So if I, okay, maybe this goes into my HP, my HPB or whatever.

If I go to your house,

if I go to your house, I zillow it, right?

If I go to anyone's house, I zillow it.

And so, I zillowed the house and I was like, this is nice.

So, in my head, I go, we got a good therapist.

They got a nice house, nice area, town.

Yeah.

And I was like, nice.

And then we went to therapy.

I hope my therapist doesn't hear this.

No way they could.

And then,

and we go to therapy.

It's like our second one at their house.

And as I'm leaving the back house, we come out.

The front door opens and I hear a woman's voice.

And I go, it's too quick for my therapist to get from that room to that room.

Who the fuck is this?

And then I was like, oh,

what a slick move as a therapist.

Rent out a back house in a nice house.

And everyone's going to think you're a good therapist.

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

I do too much math.

I think I could have been

worked for the CIA and found it.

I don't think that would be a thing.

I could have totally.

No, don't think so.

Do you Zillow people's houses?

No, no.

Never.

I mean, I've been on Zillow to look at houses, but I've never been like, where do you live?

And Zillowed it.

No.

Like, if

someone goes, hey, man, I want to send you what you want to call it.

Or, hey, can you, like,

someone just said this to me.

Okay, send it to this address, right?

And so I was like, sure.

And then I zillowed it and I was like, no, you, and then sometimes people go, hey, send me your address so I can mail you something.

And I'll send them the Zillow link to my house.

Cut it in half, man.

I know you're going to Zillow it.

Here you go.

Are you serious?

Fuck yeah.

I'll send you the Zillow to my house.

You're like, it's doing all right.

Check this out.

The first one, first one that ever, the first time I ever did it

to anyone, I did it as a joke.

Not as a joke, but someone said, hey, what's your address?

It was when we were back at.

And I was like, dot, dot, dot, dot.

And then, and then I go, I paid 520 for it.

I just wrote that in the thing.

I was like, I'll save you.

And then I just started sending the Zillow

link.

It's hilarious.

Let me pause for a second.

I got a piss so bad.

Okay, cool.

Pete, get me another drink.

Such a remarkable P.

Jesus.

I had roughly

one, two.

So I had roughly 160

snails while I was in France.

Wait, did you do anything cultural there?

No.

Wait, what did you do?

I mean, I was rude to people.

Is that cultural?

That's sort of, yeah.

No,

we went to first day.

We went to I we went to the Eiffel Tower.

Okay.

We went to the Notre Dame.

Oh, okay.

That, that's, yeah, that's cultural touristy.

And then we walked to the Arct de Triumphe.

And

that's pretty much it.

Went down the Champs de l'Ésais.

and we walked to the Louvre.

We didn't go in the Louvre because I was like, I don't.

It's so chaotic.

I have no fucking interest in art.

Like, I'd much rather walk around the outside of the Louvre.

It's so beautiful, that palace.

And because I don't know, nature for me is more impressive than art.

Have you been to France?

Yeah.

What did you do when you went to Paris?

The last time I was there, which was

two years ago,

yeah.

took walks in the city, went to the Louvre, did like the fast-track one

where you see like 10 significant pieces.

Went to another art museum to see a different exhibit.

And then,

yeah, I mean, went to different restaurants.

But, I mean, I was there on tour, but I had off days.

So I did do,

yeah, there I am.

That's me in Paris.

That's where I got the jacket that everyone's talking about.

So,

yeah, I mean, you know, it's different than like just a social visit, but I still managed to go to a couple of museums.

I'll say this, though, that like the Louvre, like when you are in there, even with like the fast pass thing where they do that, it is so, it's like a terminal at the airport.

It is so crazy the amount of traffic that's going on at that, at that museum, which is, I mean, I understand why it's

got incredible exhibits, but it's, it it is chaotic.

It's so much.

I saw the Mona Lisa when I was in college.

I saw the Mona Lisa and I was not impressed.

Yeah, no.

So I was like, eh.

I think of that if it was going with a guide.

Like the guide explaining the Mona Lisa is,

it changes the experience when they start telling you about

how, like, when it was, the story behind it, and then like the theories on

what is actually happening in that painting.

That changes the experience, I think.

Wait, I don't know any of those.

Well, I mean,

you know, it talks about obviously the famous smirk and how it's basically, I mean, there was a theory.

Hold a picture of the Mona Lisa while you guys were telling me this.

Keep going.

Well, it talks about how, like,

let's see,

there was, you know, this is like a theory that it's a woman who's dealing with her

aging and how the river flowing from behind signifies the youth into the older age.

You know, I can't do justice to the explanation, but like when you're there and this person is going over every detail and like what could be possibly happening in it, it's like, you know, it's an expert telling you their theory on it.

So that part made looking at it a lot more interesting because there's somebody who's really explaining to you.

I can't do it because I obviously don't remember every detail.

But I don't what like, what is the, I mean, like, why is that such a good painting?

Like, I don't, I can't, I don't, can't understand how that is better than like a Thomas Kincaid.

You know?

Well, I mean, it's a very good idea.

It's subjective Bob Ross.

It's subjective.

I mean, it's,

you, you can actually totally rightfully think that something's better than that.

But yeah, there's a fascination with this one for sure.

I mean, that subtle smirk of hers is like

something that, and you know,

you can see it in the eyes and

the lips.

But, you know, there's,

well, I mean, you can hit that.

There's details there that

maybe

some of this will bring up what they told me.

Well, obviously...

It being painted by da Vinci probably makes it a pretty attractive, appealing piece of art, too.

Yeah.

Because of his legacy.

It's like when people said, like, when people said

the movie that Kevin Spacey was in,

Where the Bag Was Flying?

Where the Bag Was Flying?

And Wes, Wes.

American Beauty?

American Beauty.

Everyone's like, this is the greatest movie ever.

And I was like, it was okay.

But it was like, I didn't think it was better than like.

Caddyshack.

You know, like, like,

other movies came out that year that I was like, I think that's better.

Like, I think that year,

I want to say that, like, I thought, I'll say really honestly, I think the butterfly effect is better than

that one.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, I like time travel movies, though.

But, like, I, I never, I just, it's sometimes it's like they go, this is the great, like, you look at the Oscar or the Golden Globes the other day, and I was like, I was like, I didn't see any of those movies.

Yeah, it feels like it's not like it used to be

way that cinema would dominate culture.

It doesn't feel the same anymore.

Yeah.

I wish I'd had a guide with me on our tour in France.

I think it would have been more fun because I just was with Leanne.

And I mean, I love Leanne.

I don't know what I'm going to say is going to sound shitty, but she really is like a country bumpkin.

And she walks into a place.

She goes, oh my God, what's this?

And I'm like, shh, keep it down.

Like, what do you do?

Like, she walked in.

We walked out to the outside of the Louvre.

No, I think the palace was louis 15th's palace or something yeah and she's like oh my god whose is it what is this i don't even know what this is what am i looking at right now is them pyramids and i'm like hey keep it like i wish i had a guide and then i go babe i don't you don't think i have it you think i have the answer i go you can google it just as easily as i can we walked up to notre dame and she goes how old is this what are those statues and i was like google it google it fucking google it and don't yell it out loud everyone's we're gonna get pickpocketed by a goddamn fucking gypsy because you're fucking letting everyone know we're not Nat and we're not locals.

And then we walked through the Notre Dame the whole time.

She's like,

This is that Jesus?

And I was like, I'm sure it is.

It's a fucking church.

Yeah, we're in Jesus.

I guarantee you a couple of them are Jesus.

Yeah, the how did this catch on fire?

What's old?

What's new?

I don't understand.

And I was like, Google it.

Nothing beats when she saw the magician, though.

That was

the greatest.

Nah.

No.

It's just a trick.

You're doing a trick right now.

Yeah.

This isn't real.

It's a trick.

And we're like, none of us thought he was magic, Leanne.

That was her whole, the whole time

in Paris.

She'd be like, what is this?

How old is this?

This is crazy.

She's how old?

No, no, that's why I took her.

Oh.

She'd never been to Paris.

So I bought her for a Christmas present.

I bought her.

I bought her the trip to Paris.

And then the week before, Tom, I had decided to.

Did you get her tracksuit?

No, I did get a retrack suit.

Oh.

I did.

Hey, did you get your present yet?

No.

Hasn't arrived?

Okay, you're going to love it.

You're going to love it.

Okay, cool.

And by the way, I'm noticing when I'm doing it, and I'm trying to stop doing it.

Okay.

Okay.

Just like I'm noticing it.

Hey, do you think Bobby's got the same thing I have?

Bobby Lee?

Yeah, Bobby Lee doesn't listen.

That's a good one.

He definitely has something going on.

Yeah, I'm sure he has, I think he has multiple disorders, but

nope.

So

the week before we went to Paris, I decided to get off social media.

100%.

Didn't get on Instagram once.

Not once.

Not once.

When you were there?

No, hold on.

Oh.

So, like the week before.

And then

as we were getting ready to get, as we were getting in the car to go to Paris, I was like, you know, I'm going to check social media.

I haven't been on it.

And I checked it a little bit.

And then we got on the plane.

And I was like, that's cool, man.

I've been off social social media for like five days or maybe four days and and i was like really happy and then i said you know what we're in

we're in paris i'm allowed to eat bread and i can be on social media tom it's like you know when people diet and then they gain more weight than they normally had i had 16 hours of screen time one time one day i was on my phone i would i would fucking i was on the eiffel tower and i just find myself getting on instagram i'm in the eiffel tower and i'm just like getting on instagram to scroll looking at stuff yeah looking at stuff and i'm and it's like it's it's a fucking illness I think there's I think it's so bad I really think can I tell you I had this insight that like do you remember a clockwork orange where they in order to brainwash him they keep his eyes open and then they show him different images they've got me doing it to myself I'm doing it to myself I'm doing a clockwork orange to myself I'm just scrolling and going like I'm Tom, I'm finding people interesting that have 70 followers.

They have 70 followers.

They've got nothing.

They're not.

And you follow them?

And I just, yeah, and I follow them.

I'll be like, that fucking, it's fascinating.

That woman is cutting out sugar.

She's three days in.

She's shaking.

This is an amazing story.

I sent a guy to you today that I was like, can I tell you why I sent you that guy?

Did you see, get that guy?

I don't think so.

I sent you a link to a guy

and I'll tell you his name

because I was so amazed at how much positive feedback.

His name's Igor.

It's Igor

Chidoskin.

And he's just like, it's like a thing of him

with a loaf of bread

drinking milk.

No, I saw it.

And the comments, 7,000 comments, 350,000 views, and they're all positive.

And you're like, what the fuck?

How does this guy get so much love on the internet?

I'll tell you what.

I'm going back into my comments.

I'm going to start reading comments again.

That's great.

That's how bad I've been on the internet.

So you're going to start diving in on that now.

Yeah, I just started, like, I was like, I was like, I stopped reading comments because I was afraid I'd see a bad one.

And then I was like, I see bad ones anyway.

Like, I don't even need to be on the internet and I'll see a bad one.

How did that happen?

I go to the fucking.

This happened the other day.

Not the other day.

It was actually a while ago.

But I go to this

heart button, you know, and I go to hit the heart to see, you know, if like anything, and one of the comments was a negative comment.

I'm like, God damn it, I'm not even in the comments.

So then I was like, fuck it, I'm reading comments again.

I'm going back to comments.

I'm getting back on the internet full-blown.

I'm fucking, I'm like, I'm done, man.

I'm done.

I want the quickening.

I want the quickening and I want it over now.

I want to be brainwashed.

This is

a manic episode.

The Chinese can have my brain.

I'll do whatever they want.

What?

Just give me my TikTok.

Okay.

You sound like manic.

I know.

I'm coming to a lot of realizations about myself.

It's crazy that 52 I'd start.

What's the other realization?

Well, the realization that I got HPB.

Yeah.

The realization that I do pretty much make everything about myself and that I didn't even know I did it and I didn't even know how to stop it.

Well, I think awareness is a big first step.

The fact that I'm wildly nervous that a conversation will end.

Like all I do, all I do is think of how to perpetuate a conversation, like how to keep it going.

Yeah, that makes sense.

It's almost like keeping a balloon in the air.

Yeah, that sounds like you.

Yeah.

So I'm changing.

I'm putting over and pulling over a new leaf.

You'll be shocked.

Okay.

You'll be shocked.

I'll be shocked.

I think you're going to be blown away by the new bird.

You think so?

Yeah.

You know what I did the other day?

I bought a thousand pennies.

And I'm just throwing around the city.

So people see a penny and they they go, oh, good luck.

And then it's like just a little treat for everyone.

I'm throwing them everywhere.

I just throw them out the car windows.

Just throw them.

Just throw them out the window?

If I put them in front of people's cars, I throw them in front of people's cars.

So we throw them over.

Do you deliberately do heads up or no?

No, I just toss them.

I just throw hands.

Yeah.

How many dollars do you think a thousand pennies is?

Really?

Isn't it $10?

It's 10.

Yeah.

I thought it was going to be it.

I thought it was going to be $100.

I was like, I go, get me a thousand pennies.

And they're like, really?

And I was like, I don't care how much it is.

And it was $10.

Yeah.

You know what I, and this is how fucking, this is whatever's broken with my brain is I know there's really expensive pennies out there.

So then I got a penny, I got a penny a coin app.

Yeah.

And I scan every penny before I throw it out the window to see if it's worth anything.

You are the mental patient, man.

The most expensive penny I've gotten is worth 29 cents, but I can't imagine someone would give me 29 cents for that penny.

So you threw it out?

I threw it out.

Okay.

And it was a fairly recent penny.

What if it was like $6,000?

You would keep that one, right?

There's one I saw on the app that was worth $7,000.

Wow.

So I was like, well, I'm not going to.

What's so special about it?

I don't know.

It's like a buffalo penny.

You got a buffalo on it.

It's a really valuable penny.

Whatever.

I got one from 1983, and I thought it was going to be worth a lot of money because it's 1983.

And they're like, nah, they made 6 million of these.

Got you.

Like, there's

they're all over the place.

What are like, oh, there you go.

$7,000 penny.

Yeah.

Is it the one with the buffalo on it?

Ah, man.

Let's see.

So, yeah, so I'm going to go through.

And what I was thinking about is making Peter go through and scan all my pennies.

Scan a thousand pennies.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I take pictures of every

I have thrown out 50 pennies so far, and I have 50 pictures of 50 pennies.

You took pictures of all of them?

You have to.

You have to take a picture of them.

For what?

On the app.

Oh, for the app.

Jesus Christ.

Which one?

What am I looking for?

What year is that?

The coin has no mint mark due to the...

Yeah, no mint mark is a big deal, I guess.

What's a mint mark?

Well, it looks like it's a letter.

that stamped on the coins that lets you know it was where it was minted.

P means the coin was minted in Philadelphia, D, Denver.

A lot of them in Denver.

A lot of them in Denver.

So this one is missing the mint mark.

And,

man.

1983 penny.

I just threw one of those out the window today.

Could it be the one?

Leanne's like, you're the dumbest person in the world.

She was mocking me for throwing pennies out the window.

Well, you're giving people good luck.

Yeah.

When you see a penny and you pick it up, don't you go like, hey, good luck.

I'm on my way.

It's pretty exciting.

How do you sell your penny, though?

How do you, I don't know.

I got one, the most expensive penny I've gotten is worth 29 cents.

It tells you, I got most pennies are worth two cents.

Oh.

Here, let me go to my coin thing.

Yeah, this one was worth two cents.

Let me see.

Oh, look at this one.

This means that some asshole wants this penny, though.

Some guy is like, you got that penny?

I'll give you seven grand for it.

It's like, the fuck are you doing, man?

That's what you value?

It's the same thing as the Mona Lisa.

Like, there was a, I was watching a TV show on Netflix, and there was a Honus Swagner

trading card, and I was like, wow, that's fucking valuable.

And Pete was watching it, and he goes, who gives a shit about that?

And I go, I would.

He was like, yeah, but it's worthless to me.

It's the same thing as Bitcoin or Dogecoin or Hoctua Girl, Haktua Coin.

What is it?

Is she going to jail?

Hook a coin?

Jail?

Yeah.

She got Haktua is going to jail, I think.

For what?

For fraud.

Okay.

Man,

talk about the way the universe works.

Crypto launch, yeah.

Talk about the way the universe works.

Here's what's crazy.

This is my Hoctua rant, okay?

I was thinking about this the other night.

She gets famous for

basically, for lack of better words, for just being some clueless blonde some clueless drunk blonde and people start hating on her yeah yeah it's like you gotta spit on that thing that's and so some street interview gets her famous and people start hating on her because she's famous and they I don't know why but she gets famous from it what's crazy is like

you can't you can't take

the what is it you can't take the the kid out of the the the dumb out of the blonde or whatever you can't so what happens is someone smarter than her says, How do we take advantage of this kid?

And that's what they did.

They just took advantage of, she just, she's always been what she said she was.

Yeah.

She's like, Yeah, I'm just here to party.

I just want to have a good time.

Yeah.

And then these guys that are smarter than her go, yeah, we can help you.

Why don't we help you?

You want to launch crypto?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then she's like, I'll do it.

That sounds like fun.

We're just going to make money.

And you're like, yeah.

And they're like, okay.

And then that is the fucking, she's never been anything but exactly what she said.

Your hawtua sounds a lot like Leanne.

Leanne's a little bit of a hawk to afflict Leanne would never,

my spit ain't slip slippery like your spit.

Ugh.

I know.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I think we learned a lot this episode.

I think we did.

I feel like this was a pretty good session.

Am I just in therapy?

This is definitely a therapy session for sure, but I enjoyed it.

Did I make this episode all about myself?

100%.

But it was productive, and I feel like, you know, we.

Donnell Rollins is calling.

Oh, okay.

Oh, pass.

He probably wants to talk about Juneteenth.

Already?

Yeah, it's coming up.

He's got a big Juneteenth party he's got planned.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Are you going to go?

Yeah, I'll be late.

You want to sign off with your regular Nazi salute or how do you want to do it?

Do you see Elon's

just?

Thank you from the bottom of my.

Yeah, of course I saw.

He's just autistic.

He's just, even the videos of him just going like

in the thing.

He's just, can you imagine how his brain must go

all day long?

Yeah, he's a weirdo.

It's bizarre.

All right.

We're going to a fancy Hollywood party, me and and you tonight.

Okay, let's go.

Go ahead.

Well, thank you guys for watching.

Thank you for listening.

We'll see you guys next week.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.

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