Saturday Night Live Secrets & Norm Macdonald w/ Kevin Nealon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

Brand new episode of 2 Bears One Cave.

My buddy Tom is in Turkey getting a consultation.

What kind of consultation?

Hair transplants.

Really?

Yeah.

It's interesting.

We were just talking about this coming upstairs.

I'm getting older and I don't know if it's okay to try to do, like get hair transplants to look younger.

Right.

You know?

I have teeth implants to look younger molars in the back

yeah hang on you know that's like a real thing yeah you know about that right when you start getting older you start losing your molars everything's implanted when you get older

i have four joints that have been implanted for my body yeah yeah for arthritis do you have arthritis yeah you're in shape you do you hike all the my guest is kevin nealon you're in shape you're you're in shape you do your hiking podcast yeah it's it's not really hiking though it's kind of more like strolling at this point

uh conan Conan wore a collared shirt.

Some people,

Bob Cat Goldwaite showed up with a cup of coffee.

Really?

Yeah.

And David Spade didn't want to hike any kind of an incline.

He's got a bad back.

I think it's a neck, but it doesn't matter.

That's his problem.

It's not my problem.

Not my problem.

You know what I mean?

That was a really fascinating one you did with David Spade.

That was a while ago, right?

Yeah, that was a while ago.

But, you know, we're walking along.

He goes, are we going up a hill?

It was like a 1% grade.

Are we going up a hill?

God,

you have the best group of friends.

Like, your friend list is like wild.

I don't even have a list.

Oh, I do.

It's in this book.

Oh.

Everyone you've had interactions with is in this book.

Oh, no, no.

There's a lot of people missing from that book.

I know.

But like when like you're friends with Dana Carvey.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that guy is so cool.

He is cool.

We've known each other a long time.

We knew each other from the clubs, you know, like in San Francisco that are no longer there.

And, you know, we were both single at the time and doing stand-up.

And yeah, I've known him for a long time.

And we talk often.

Yeah.

Is it crazy?

Like you meet these dudes when you're young and you just have a dream and then you succeed and then you become grown men that still are in the business of just being silly.

Yeah.

That's right.

I think kind of in a way we never grow up.

Because we just enjoy that

kind of a

compartment so much.

We like being in that compartment and it doesn't you know when you see everybody else around you that's not there you go i don't want that i can't imagine like when i talk to my business manager and he tries to explain stuff i just tune out and i'm like i know can you believe they do that for a living i know i mean like

i i'm shocked at all the jobs i couldn't have yeah what do you think made you a comedian Because I have another question, a follow-up question.

What do you think made you the comedian that you are?

You are maybe the king of tedpan

i am

i am really dry and dry and dark though i mean buddy when i was in i i was trying to do the math today and i couldn't do it quicker quick enough but subliminal man when i was a kid watching that i saw you take a little minute a moment to figure out how to pronounce that subliminal

a lot of people in trouble with that i'm not a good talker subliminal do you know what it is sometimes when you get these job offers and you don't want to do it but it's such a great offer.

You have to do it, you know, because you would regret it the rest of your life.

It was the same with me when, you know, like with the Tonate show a long time ago, Johnny Carson, it's all you wanted to do as a stand-up is get on that talk show.

And then they say, okay, you're going to do it.

And you go, oh, no.

Oh, no.

And then your name is like out there.

You're doing it.

And they, now I got to do it because they were advertising it.

Yeah.

And then you do it.

And, you know, it's crazy.

And then you go on with your life thing.

And I did it.

I don't have any regrets.

I sometimes

had a couple of buddies now host SNL and we were watching on my bus watching one of them do it and everyone's like, Bert, would you do that?

My instinct is to say yes, obviously.

Yeah, you'd be great.

But the second I hosted it, I'd regret it.

I'd regret accepting it.

Because all that pressure, I do not want.

But you're used to pressure.

As a comic, any comic is used.

I hear a lot of people say, I could never survive SNL.

I couldn't.

I'm too fragile.

And it's not for everybody.

Even if you're really talented, it's not, it may ruin your life.

You know, it's just not a lifestyle some people are able to endure.

I was able to do it because I thought I'd be fired like within a week.

I thought, well, I won't be here that much longer.

You're the longest one that ever did.

At the time, I was like nine years.

But now people like Daryl Hammond and some of these other people have been there.

Horatio Sand, they've been there for like 20 years or whatever.

This is the running offer I've put out there a number of times.

And if Lauren ever sees this, this is the offer.

I will put everything on hold my entire career.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

Everything, including the TV show I'm about to start shooting.

Put everything on hold to be a cast member for what the lowest pay for one season.

They're all the lowest pay.

Yeah.

It's like, it's like, how much, it's, they make you sign a deal where they're like, yo, it's 700 bucks a week.

Yeah.

And you sign the deal even before you audition.

I know.

Dude, I, I was at the time, I don't know what I was meant.

I don't remember, but it was like rock bottom.

It was maybe,

I can't even say $4,000 a show, maybe?

Wow.

And Lauren Michaels says, spend all your money on an apartment.

because that's where you're going to go to rest.

And that was, it took all your money to live comfortably in New York.

And I had a studio apartment the first couple of years by Central Park.

It was nice, but you know, I was hardly ever there because I was always at the studio.

And then after that, I thought, you know, I'm going to pace myself.

I'm not going to be working that hard.

You know, it's not a, it's not a sprint.

It's a marathon.

Plus, I was like, I was a stand-up.

I never did a character in my life or a sketch.

Really?

And I just went and had to learn all that stuff.

And, you know, I was hired as a writer the first year and a feature player.

They guaranteed me seven shows, but I was on every show and I mostly write for myself, you know?

And so yeah, it's not a lot of money, but yeah, you would do it for $700 a show just to be on that.

Just to experience it.

Experience it.

Like it's the, you know, the shorthand you guys all have that have done it, that like I heard someone talking to JB Smooth about

that he would pitch the same idea over and over and over again every week just because it would make the room laugh.

Like, I just think that's, I think it's a cool comedy experience.

Yeah.

I mean, I did the same thing because you don't want to have the wind taken out of your sails by pitching you know an idea that you really believe in and nobody laughs and the host goes

you know so i would pitch the same sketch and everybody knew it it was a runaway truck uh you know lane you know how we're going down a hill if the truck's brakes fails they go down this little gravel long driveway and then i i put it like a bar at the end of that so they would each come in to the bar really frazzled you know and i would be the the host would be the bartender yeah and that's all i had on that And I would say the rest writes itself.

Laugh.

That's great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who's your favorite?

Who's your favorite host that you have?

Oh, you know, Bert, I got to tell you, there's so many great hosts on that.

I was like in heaven.

You would be in heaven, too.

You get your, like, I had these bands like I listened to growing up, my idols, you know, like Mick Jagger, James Taylor.

Eric Clapton, all these guys, Paul Simon.

I'm like, oh my God, I just want to stay here as long as I can.

And the hosts, Steve Martin at at the time and,

you know, I mean, there's so many.

Donnelly Parton, Robert Mitcham hosted, Charlton Heston hosted once.

Charlton Heston?

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is back in the 1900s.

It wasn't in the 1900s.

It was the 1900s.

It was in the 1900s.

Yeah, way back then.

So, and, you know, we have the 50th coming up soon.

And everybody's really excited about that.

It's kind of cool because like there's probably people on SNL that maybe are only on two seasons, the 50th, and they're like, maybe they don't feel part of the fall.

For six weeks.

I think Ben Stiller stilla was on for maybe six shows for real yeah i remember when snl switched over and it was it was the new lauren left yeah and the other guy was running it and it was like robert downey jr and like that anthony michael hall anthony michael hall julie louise dreyfus though i mean they're all good yeah they're both amazingly talented obviously but you need that synergy between the writers and the cast.

And also they need that synergy between each cast member.

When I came on, I was friends with Dana Carvey.

He recommended me for the show.

I had a tradition, but, and I was dating Jan Hooks at the time.

Jan Hooks.

We've been friends for like six years, probably the most underrated cast member on that show ever.

I mean, she's so talented.

So talented.

Gorgeous.

And that crazy Jan Hooks is a part, like, it's a part of my comedy history.

Like, Jan Hooks.

Really?

Yeah, we have, of course, because like that, you're, you guys were my SNL.

I mean, Farley and Spade were, I was

almost in college then.

Yeah.

So you were in high school.

That's when your favorite cast is when you're in high school.

You guys, you guys, Dana Carvey is like, when I first met him, I kind of lost my shit.

Like, the church lady was like,

I mean, it was like, it was like, we do impressions of that in eighth grade.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, subliminal man.

You know, I want to ask a question because you are.

That rolled off your lips.

The tongue really well that time.

I'm doing this, I'm getting it out of it.

There are comedy jokes and comedy sketches that live rent-free in my mind that I think of all the time.

Without a doubt, number one for me is, so I figured, when's the next time I'm moving in Haiti?

Why wear a condom?

The bad idea jeans.

Yeah.

Yeah, bad idea jeans.

That's like,

those things, what, what jokes live free in your mind?

Like whether it's a comedian's joke or like a sketch you saw, but just a bit you saw?

Well, I just saw something recently.

It was.

It was a sketch from a British comic who had a talk show at the time.

And I can't remember what his name was.

I think it was Dave Allen or something.

And it was so funny because it was like one of those old British short films.

And here's this guy walking down the street and he sees like, you know, a dollar bill or whatever it is in England under the tire of a car.

He tries to get it out.

He can't get it out.

He's trying all different ways.

He's rocking the car.

He's trying to get out with his foot.

You know, can't get it out.

So he decides that

he'll go across the street to the cafe.

He goes in the cafe, a lot of people in there, and he has a cup of tea.

And then he sees the guy coming back to his car.

And the guy pulls away.

As he pulls away, everybody in that cafe went running out to get that dollar.

They were all waiting in there for the dollar for the dollar bill.

But that one, just recently, I saw that one.

One of the jokes that really stands out in my head is one by Gary Shanling.

He said, you know, sometimes when I feel lonely, I will shave one of my legs so it feels like I'm sleeping with a woman.

That's great.

Yeah, yeah.

It can feel like there's not enough hours in the day to do everything you need to get done.

But with Tonal, you can ensure you're checking off workout on your to-do list every day with the convenience of having an at-home gym 24-7.

Tonal is the smartest workout that effortlessly fits into the busiest of lifestyles.

And with the latest iteration, Tonal 2, you can ensure your workout is more tailored and more effective than you could ever imagine.

Tonal adjusts in one pound increments with adaptive weight that now goes up to 250 pounds, challenging even the most advanced users to push their limits.

Plus, the new built-in Smart View leverages a high-resolution camera that lets you see yourself during your workout, analyze your movement, and provide real-time coaching, just like a personal trainer.

This thing is awesome.

I have one.

And here's what's great: it tests your strength the first day you do it, and then it forces you to grow at a pace they know you can grow at.

Let me tell you something.

I just benched 325 pounds at the Super Bowl.

And I'm telling you, the bench on Tonal would gas me out every time.

Right now, Tonal is offering our listeners $200 off your tonal purchase with promo code Bears.

That's tonal.com.

And use promo code Bears for $200 off your purchase.

That's tonal.com, promo code Bears for $200 off.

When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof, like...

Aloe, man, Aloe, A-L-O, I see that on everyone these days.

Everyone's got it, or all birds, or dude, dude, skims.

I'm sure you think about a great product, of course, and cool branding, a brilliant marketing scheme.

But often the overlooked secret is actually the businesses behind the business making selling and for shoppers, buying simpler.

For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify.

Nobody sells better.

than Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet.

And the not-so-secret secret, with Shop Pay, that boosts conversions up to 50%,

meaning way less carts going abandoned and way more sales going up.

I'm telling you right now, an abandoned shopping cart is the saddest thing in the world.

And I've left many abandoned, but not on Shopify.

Here's the deal.

If you're into growing your business, your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling on the web, in your store, in their feed, and anywhere in between.

Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify.

I'm telling you right now, we've been using Shopify for

as long as I can remember Shopify being around.

And we sell like crazy.

I just saw that we're selling the

shirts for skins shirts are on sale right now.

Shopify's next level.

Upgrade your business and get the same checkout BBP uses.

Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash bears.

All over case.

Go to shopify.com slash bears to upgrade your selling today.

Shopify.com slash bears.

I don't know about you, but I like keeping my money where I can actually see it.

Unfortunately, traditional big wireless carriers also seem to like keeping my money too.

After years of overpaying for wireless, I finally got fed up from crazy high wireless fees, bogus bills, and free perks that actually cost more in the long run and switched to Mint Mobile.

And here's what you find when you switch to Mint Mobile: you get the same wireless service that you're used to getting, and you save huge, huge money from doing so.

Say bye-bye to your unexpected overpriced wireless, jaw-dropping monthly bills and unexpected charges.

And Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with a premium wireless plan starting at just 15 bucks a month.

All plans come with high-speed data, unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network.

If you like money, Mint Mobile is for you.

Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash bears.

That's mintmobile.com slash bears.

Upfront payment of $45 for three months, 5 gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month.

New customer offer for first few months, only, then full-price plan options available.

Taxes and fees, etc.

See Mint Mobile for details.

And then there's a lot of sketches that when I was in SNL that I loved that I didn't even write.

Like

El, I think it's called El Cantaro.

It's an

Italian restaurant.

And I come in there on a date with Kirsty Alley.

Oh, no, she's my wife.

And everybody's in there.

Sandler's in there.

Dana, Lovitz, Rob Schneider.

And they're all like these, like pretending to be real Italian waiters, or maybe they are supposed to be Italian waiters.

And they're just kissing her.

And, you know, no, this is what they do, honey.

No.

And by the end of the thing, Dana's like dry humping Victoria on the table.

And,

you know, they're lifting her shirt up.

And he goes, this is what they do.

I said, no, we're out of here.

And as we're walking away, Sandler comes out of the kitchen with just a speedo on and they're all looking the window watching us go away.

That makes me laugh.

So every time I see him.

You had so many great cast members you worked with.

Oh, they were great.

You worked with.

I think you worked with,

and I mean, I don't want to misspeak, but probably the all-stars, because you were probably in two seasons, right?

Two different generations.

Yeah, I mean, it started blending after a while.

You know, I think what happens is, you know, in a certain cast, Lauren kind of squeezes you dry.

And then you kind of,

you know, it's like a car without oil.

You know, you've used up all the oil.

So he starts bringing in new cast members to pump it up a little bit.

So Spade would come in and then Tim Meadows, Chris Farley, Mike Myers,

and Sarah Silverman was even there for a little bit.

And

yeah, so

but our original cast, we were really, really tight and kind of knew each other so well.

And it was exciting because there wasn't like 20 or 30 people on the cast, which there is now, I think.

I don't, yeah.

It's just,

it was fun.

And you know, it's funny is, you know, everybody's trying to please Lauren.

You know, you're trying to like, I wonder if Lauren would like this, even in your regular life.

And it never goes away.

Like I was buying milk the other day.

I said, I wonder if Lauren would like me getting the way I got this out of the counter, out of the, you know, the cooler.

Cause I kind of pulled it out straight.

Maybe I should have taken more time with it.

There is, there is a weird thing broken in comics, I think, where we do look for approval.

Yeah.

from from someone.

And I mean, when I first got in, I was looking for approval from my manager.

Really?

Yeah, because

I knew I needed approval from something like just to know that i'm going in the right direction oh but that was after you got into it but why did you get into it originally i mean did you want to for me i think it was a girl in high school that i really wanted to have her take notice of me i i you know i'm i'm talking about this in therapy right now but i think

i think there's a part of me that needs people to be happy around me.

Yes.

And I want everyone to be comfortable.

Yeah.

Like I've, I've, I think I heard you talk about this on Bill Maher, but you, you, you were funny to make sure everyone was having a good time or make sure everyone was comfortable.

Yeah, I connect with that, man.

I just, I'm uncomfortable when people aren't, when they're not happy or when they're uncomfortable.

And

it's, you know, it's something I should be in therapy for.

But it took me a long time to say no to people.

I can't say no.

I know.

That's why I'm here.

I can't say no.

I'm like so bad at no.

I've had several wives that said, you got to learn how to say no.

But I have learned to say it,

but not always.

And I'm not the best at saying it.

Like I asked Larry David once if he would go on a hike with me, go do my hiking show, which I really, when you get time, I'd love to have you.

But

I texted him and he texted me back like a day later.

And all he said was, no, I don't want to do it.

That's all he had to say.

That's crazy.

I will.

lie to people and put myself in a bad situation.

I was just doing this downstairs.

You heard me doing it.

I have a podcast at 12:30.

I have another podcast at 3:30 on this one day.

And then a guy said, Can we meet at one?

And I went, Yes.

Knowing I cannot meet him at one.

I can't.

There's no way I can meet him at one.

And it's not going to work in my thing, but I don't, but he's the most important thing.

And I don't want to let him down, but I don't want to let my friends down.

So I put myself in bad situations.

And now, and then it affects everybody else

that's close to you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then I just was down there going, Can someone just fix this?

Can I give you three words?

Please.

Shame on you.

And then

you feel horrible when you hurt somebody.

And like my son, especially, I collapse when he starts crying because he never.

He was very sensitive when he's younger.

And we were playing basketball once and I was kind of teasing him.

And he knew somebody at the tennis courts nearby.

And I didn't even think about that.

And, you know, it's so important to impress your peers and stuff.

And I guess he thought the kid could hear it.

And he got under the basketball rim and he just

started crying.

I felt, I still feel horrible to this day.

And that was like, I don't know,

eight years ago.

God.

Isn't it crazy?

I wonder what Lauren would think of me making him cry like that.

I don't know.

I wonder what Joe Rogan would think.

That's our Lauren in a weird way.

But Joe is, Joe, for us, was like a big brother.

You know, like he, he kind of, I mean, for lack of better terms, he, he

kind of showed us the direction to do a career, you know?

Well, you always have a mentor.

I don't, you know, you know, for me, it was Gary Shanling.

And then, you know, you asked me why I got into the stand-up, too, later on.

I loved stand-up.

I would watch everybody on TV that was doing stand-up at the time.

And I loved Albert Brooks.

I loved Andy Kaufman.

I loved his brother.

Oh, yeah, Bob Einstein.

Super, super Dave.

Still works.

And he was so, he's so dark and wrong.

You know, I would be on the phone with him driving somewhere.

Where are you going?

So I'm going to the comedy store.

What?

Why would you go there?

And then he'd talk about, you know,

dry or something.

You know, it gets so like,

you know,

it's just, it was so wrong in so many ways.

But you laugh.

You can't help laughing.

Oh, he's that.

Still to this day, that works.

And I wonder, like, I wonder what is happening with comedy because so many people got into comedy because for i think it's a easier path nowadays than it was when you started much easier when you started it was like almost like joining the circus yeah it was a real novelty thing most people have never been to a comedy club you know they they and then it took a while now audiences know what to do they're comfortable but before it's like oh how does he do that you know people would be like i'm not going to a comedy club i don't what do you you think i'm gonna laugh yeah and then you i remember going to my first comedy club and laughing and going how did he do that?

I know that's crazy you go back again you go oh I see it's an act Yeah, yeah, but you know, I bet you nowadays It's like everybody in that audience They've probably tried doing stand-up comedy at least once or they want to do yeah, or they are comics.

I think everyone that I mean I have a skewed view, but I think there's a lot of I have a lot of people tell me you know I've done comedy or I would like to do comedy or you know, hey, let me give you a joke.

I think the but back when you started back when I started it was a really it was like coming out to my dad is gay.

He was like, You want to do what?

Were you in college?

Is that when you first started doing it?

Yeah, I did it one time.

I was working up in Rolling Stone magazine as the number one party animal in the country.

And I get that.

Yeah.

And then, uh, and then I said in that article I wanted to try doing stand-up.

And so they put on a show.

And I did one, I closed the show.

I did 20 minutes at the end of the night.

Never would I do that now.

Yeah.

But like then I just didn't know.

And it was just so

it's interesting because it's the question I had about you is like

my style that night is my style today.

It's very stream of conscious, very much storytelling.

Stream of consciousness.

Yeah, stream of conscious.

In the moment.

In the moment and storytelling.

And I, and I, I love your story about the airplane.

Which one?

You were flying somewhere with your wife, I guess it was.

Oh, and there was a guy bothering you.

I can't remember exactly what it was, but I remember laughing so hard because I fly a lot and I could relate.

No, I uh I but like I was wondering.

I was like, I wonder if, because I remember my style got

gifted to me by my friends meaning for our our currency was to be able to recount the evening or recount the day in the best way and I don't know if that's a Florida thing like I don't know if that was just where I grew up but like Cuban kids could always tell a good story and like and man I would practice my story in ninth grade walk into the lunchroom like here we go

the dog comes out get your manager with you and then yeah yeah yeah and then I was like the dog jumps in the car And the dog didn't jump in the car, but it made it real.

Yeah.

And then, and then they, and then I know Ty's going to say, but the dog didn't jump in the car.

I go, bitch, you weren't even there.

Like,

and so, but I was like, I wonder if you got your style from your time you spent in Germany, like making friends.

Because it is, you're, you, your style is, I, I don't even know when you're not being funny.

Like sometimes you'll tell me something serious, and I'll go,

I, I know that face a lot because I see that face a lot.

Yeah.

Um, And it's so seamless.

Yeah.

It's like last downstairs.

I go, are you, did Sarah making your coffee?

Like, I hope so.

I've been waiting for a while.

I mean, just like very casually, you're casually so funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not professionally, though.

You know, for me, you talk about Florida and you remember the first time you were got some success on stage.

The first time I found myself performing was accidentally.

I wasn't even trying to.

I was in Daytona Beach, like, you know, on spring break.

And back then, it was a time when they, you could go into these places and they would take a picture of your face and then they would put on a t-shirt.

It was huge back then.

People loved it.

So we're walking around Daytona and I see this store.

It's got a big, you know, picture window in the front.

So you can see inside people sitting in the chairs, almost like a barbershop.

And they have screens in front of each chair, you know, taking pictures.

And I sat in the chair next to the window.

Nobody else was in the place.

And I'm like making faces like to the camera, you know, like that.

Let's do that for like, I don't know, a couple minutes.

And then I happen to look out and there's a whole crowd of people that are watching and having a good time.

You know, it's like,

and then I got scared, but that was really the first time I entertained.

Another time like that, it wasn't doing stand-up, but I was doing karaoke.

Yeah.

And I was singing, Are You Lonesome Tonight?

That's my go-to karaoke song.

What's yours?

I have a couple, Sister Christian and Creed.

Sister Christian.

And then one time I did, there's a song Down with the Sickness by

Disturbed.

and I pulled my phone out and I was like, guys, my girlfriend's in the hospital.

It's not looking good.

So I just want to sing her.

This is a song to pump her up.

And I put the phone.

I was like, baby, are you there?

I was like, you there?

Okay, here we go.

And then I sang Down with the Sickness.

And everyone's like, oh.

But

that was back when, before I was doing a lot of comedy.

But yeah, Creed and Sister Christian is the ultimate stripper song.

Keep going.

Yeah, my girlfriend's in the hospital.

It's not looking good because she thinks the doctor's hot.

We all take supplements, or at least we know we should.

But why are so many supplement companies charging ridiculous prices for products that really aren't that special?

It's frustrating and frankly unacceptable.

That's why I want to introduce you to my friends over at LiveGood, a brand that is turning the supplement industry on its head.

This is their creatine, and it is awesome.

I take it every day.

LiveGood believes that everyone deserves access to high-quality supplements without the insane markups.

They offer premium products formulated by an industry-leading team of natural health experts, and they cut out the middleman.

That is the brilliance of this, to sell them to us at the lowest prices you are going to find anywhere.

You got to understand these companies like LiveGood, like all the companies we work with, they've cut out the middleman.

That means you are not getting the insane markups by the companies that are putting them on the shelves.

There is no shelf.

It's simply from warehouse to your front door.

They've got these sleep patches right here that I swear by.

These are awesome.

You put one on and I'm telling you, you are out like a light.

They also have organic greens, multivitamins, collagen, weight loss products, protein powders, creatine.

That's the one I use, which is awesome.

Detox, hormone products, skincare products, and all at the highest quality products, all at prices that people can actually afford.

Ready to make a switch and start saving?

We'll make it even easier for you.

Use our link and you can save an additional 10% off your first order on top of all the the already lowest prices.

Just go to livegood.com slash bears to save 10% on your first order.

That's livegood.com slash bears.

Do not miss out on this opportunity to invest in your health without overspending.

Life in general can be chaotic, but if you're in charge of order fulfillment for an e-commerce business, you know that it's a special kind of chaos, but with ShipStation, you can count on your day-to-day remaining calm.

Save hours and money every month by shipping from all your stores with one login, automating repetitive tasks, and finding the best rates among all global carriers.

You can focus on other parts of your business because you never have to worry about shipping and fulfillment with ShipStation.

This is what I love.

It's all in one place.

You see everything you have, all your orders, all the fulfillment, which carrier is taking it out to which customer.

It's brilliant.

With ShipStation, you never need to upgrade.

ShipStation grows with your business, no matter how big it gets.

It's the fastest, most affordable way to ship products to your customers with discounts up to 88%

off UPS, THL Express, and USPS rates, and up to 90% off FedEx rates.

Deliver a better customer experience with industry-leading scalable features that help ensure accuracy, get shipments out the door faster, and keep customers happy with automated tracking updates with your company's branding.

Calm the chaos of fulfillment with the shipping software that delivers.

Switch to ShipStation today.

Go to shipstation.com, use the code CAVE to sign up for your free trial.

That's shipstation.com, and the code word is CAVE C-A-V-E.

Yeah, so I'm doing my karaoke song.

I'm looking at the lyrics on the thing, and I look up, and there's like four couples dancing to it.

Really?

I started laughing so hard.

I thought, man, these people are desperate.

But yeah, I've always loved doing stand-up.

It's all I ever really wanted to do, Bert.

And then this acting stuff came along.

And, you know, okay.

But stand-up is, that's all I want to do.

And here, you you know, here I am all these years later, still doing it.

Isn't it crazy?

Because I didn't know there was, you could do other things.

Like, I thought I was like, you just, I didn't even know.

You didn't know you could do other things.

I didn't know I could do anything.

When the first time I did stand-up, it just felt so natural to me that I was like, oh, this is.

So I'm getting rewarded for the thing that my dad bothered my dad.

Yeah.

Like, I would say things to my, and, my dad, like at dinner with friends and mine was a kid, and my dad would just go, What the fuck is wrong with you?

I remember one time going,

one of his friends goes, What did he do for a living, first of all?

He's a lawyer, he still is.

Oh, he's a lawyer.

He's very proud of me now, but I think understanding me, understanding me was tough for him.

Yeah.

Because I just was very different than him.

Hey, Bert, we're looking at a house in

Sino.

Do you think maybe you could kind of foot us a little money?

You know,

it's in Valley Village.

Yes.

It's in that water with all the kids, you know.

So, so your dad was kind of tough on you growing up.

Wasn't, I wouldn't say tough.

My dad.

So you hated your dad.

Is that what you're saying?

No, I didn't hate him.

I was looking for his approval constantly.

Oh, yeah.

But my natural behavior, it was like

I was like a dog who thought

everyone loved it when I pissed on the couch.

My dad's like, why won't you stop pissing on the couch?

And then one day you get paid for pissing on the couch.

You're like, everyone likes it now.

Was it hard to keep up with that?

Cause you had to drink a lot, right?

Or is that not?

to keep?

Yeah.

No, I stay very hydrated.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I knew a comic, you know, way back when, because I started a long time ago.

His name was Ali Joe Prater.

I know him.

Do you know of him?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He'd have the cowboy hat.

He was like, you know, short guy, kind of stocky.

And he'd go on stage and he'd just drink so much.

And eventually he died.

Yeah.

From there he is.

Yeah.

I think he'd go on stage and have a beer in his jacket.

Oh, he had it just, and people would send him up beers and shots.

And I remember I had to pick him up once.

We drove up to

Bisalia to do a gig.

Yeah.

And he picked him up from a hotel that was right on Sunset, not far from the Whiskey of Goga.

And

he just

stunk of liquor all the way.

And he pretty much slept all the way.

He was hungover.

And then I had to drive him back again.

But it doesn't surprise me that he didn't last that long.

No.

Yeah, I think, you know, I'm trying to figure out what the, because I get my blood work done pretty every six months.

Transfusions or just I do.

I get IVs twice a week.

For real.

Do you really?

I get two IVs twice a week.

Why?

It's undiagnosed, but we know it's.

Just in case.

Just in case.

Just in case I get the AIDS.

The AIDS.

No, I get IVs.

I just got one yesterday.

What for?

To keep healthy.

It's like B12 or something?

I get everything.

I get a Hulk bag full, and then I get glutathione.

I get NAD shot.

Are you serious?

Oh, yeah.

I'm really...

You're not Keith Richards.

I am.

You know, I have a friend.

I won't say his name I have a friend I know who you're talking about it's Tom Segora Tom Segura isn't it that's your friend

yeah

his uh he's he was the one that got me on IVs he takes that gets IVs all the time you go somewhere to get that no they come to me they come wow you're a nurse that comes to me no way you're like Michael Jackson oh yeah you ever do the uh profofall I would love that

I would love the closest I ever got one time they give you uh Leanne knows what it's called but they can give you like uh like uh what's one of the antihistamies that puts you to sleep oh uh oh well i know there's an iquil and there's oh there's a pseudo fed so yeah like a pseudo fed they give you a pumped up pseudo fed and i was about i was getting sick and he gave me an iv in my bed and i fell asleep and

in the iv and he pulled it out and i slept the whole night slept so good oh my god i would love prof profanol i would love it so you're doing this to try to stay healthy yeah are you doing anything else in your life to try to stay healthy yeah yeah i have a a trainer.

I work out every day.

I just bench 325.

I feel like you've kind of slimmed down a little bit.

No, no, I'm on testosterone.

Like, I have like a wellness doctor.

I have a cardiologist.

I'm like super nervous about death.

So I do everything to try to stay.

Do you still drink a lot?

A lot.

You're not that nervous about that.

Well, you know what?

Okay, I wake up in the morning and I go.

I go, that's it.

I'm changing my life.

I'm changing my life.

I'm going to start being healthy.

And then I get to the gym, I work out.

And then as soon as I'm done working out, like when this morning, it was like right when I got out of the salon, I was like,

I could drink tonight.

You know, it's one night.

What are we going to do?

What are we going to do?

Just quit everything.

We got an ID.

We worked out.

We saw them.

We polar plunged.

We feel good.

Have you ever had any heart issues?

No.

My wife was going to go get me a

distributor.

Because she loves me so much.

She doesn't want to lose me.

And I have nothing wrong with my heart.

Yeah.

And then she started to price them.

And then she thought, well, maybe it's not worth it.

but do you go to the doctor oh yeah yeah yeah i go once a year for physical and then i go to a cardiologist uh like every six months or so and uh and i go to witch doctor which is my favorite and i wish i could remember that song which one i went to the witch doctor and that is what he said boom boom

no no one in this room will know that song no they won't

that's it that's it well that's crazy i was wrong they hear you singing it all the time yeah

Now, so this is one thing I wanted to know.

When I saw you losing weight, I'm sure everybody says this to you, but you know, your belly is kind of your brand and stuff.

What's going to happen?

Sadly, I'm not going to be able to get Joe Pesci, or not Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo ripped.

Like, I've tried.

This is when I was younger.

Are you kidding me?

That's you on the right?

Yeah.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Dude, you let yourself go.

You really did, man.

how old were you then that was i was right when i met leanne i was 20 no i was 29

you fooled her you fooled her big time you should have seen her

the uh oh

no i've lost weight i've lost like 50 pounds but i still have a belly and i and and i'm that's what you got to keep yeah but i'll i also

i would i mean i remember when joe piscopo lost like got really obsessed with his body yeah carrotop too i remember when caratop did it i don't know i don't know know.

And John Lovitz.

So do you ever have any desire to go back to that?

No, I don't think I ever could.

I think I was like 190 pounds then.

At six foot?

6'1, yeah.

And so, but right now I'm about 240.

If I got to 220, I'd still be morbidly obese, technically, but I don't, but I'd feel better.

I'd feel better.

Like getting out of a bed are the things I care about.

Tell me your expression on your face when you're getting out of bed in the morning.

I'll tell you mine.

I'll show you mine.

Okay.

Or rollover.

Fuck it.

Same as sex.

Yeah.

Same expression.

Mine is like this.

The last year I've had a tight lower back.

So I get out of bed.

I go, ah, God.

damn it.

You know, I just kind of walk like this to the bathroom.

And after an hour or so, it straightens out.

But, um, and, you know, you're supposed to do stretches every day.

And I said, I'm going to do these every day.

And then, like, the next day, as simple as they are, it's like leaning against the wall, you know, working on your quads a little bit and tightening your butt.

I don't want to, I don't, I don't feel like doing it for three minutes.

You know, two minutes.

Stretching.

Once you start, though, it's good.

Oh, I went to a yoga class one time and I opened up my hips and I felt phenomenal all day.

But the idea of doing that every day just makes me crazy.

And your diet's good?

You like sweets?

I don't.

Oh, you don't?

No.

The thing I try to eliminate the most is bread.

That's the worst.

I've stayed away from pasta.

I've stayed away from rice almost entirely.

How far away are you staying from it?

Arms distance.

Arms distance.

Definitely arms distance.

Arms distance.

It's in my mouth.

Straw distance.

Straw distance.

Oh, man.

Yeah, it's all hard to do.

But you look at focus on your diet.

I was just telling somebody the other day, I said, this is a lifelong

struggle.

You always want to get down another five and then you get down in and you go back up.

And you start thinking, can you just sit down and look at a meal and go, oh, that's too much.

That's too much.

You know, just enjoy it.

Yeah.

But I see a lot of people my age, that's what they're doing.

And they look really bad.

You know, they're not healthy looking.

No, no, no.

I wish I could be be like my wife.

My wife will make one piece of toast, one egg, one piece of bacon, and a little side of fruit, and she won't finish it.

Yeah.

I don't have that.

No.

Like you said one time, I remember hearing you say, I was said something.

We had three interactions before you knew who I was.

And the first one.

Are they all any unpleasant ones?

No, they're all awesome.

They're all awesome.

I wore a bracelet today because of you because the second time I met you, you had like a cool bracelet on.

I was like, yeah, I got to wear a bracelet.

And And I was like, Oh, I bet he wears a bracelet today.

You didn't

like your Lorne Michaels, yeah, yeah.

No, but you are kind of like approval from an older comic as a young, it never goes away.

You always want a comic that's been doing it longer than you to go, dude.

I like what you're doing, I like this thing, anything that always never goes away for me.

I think it's also the reason I do comedy.

Here's what, here's what I get a lot: a really pretty young girl coming up to me,

oh my god, my parents love you.

Can I tell you?

I get that a lot too i get young girls will go you my dad loves you you look like my dad

yes yes my dad is the biggest fan yeah no one ever says like dude i'm your biggest fan it's like my boyfriend it's always a girl going my boyfriend or my dad loves you my uncle is just like you yeah but um the first time we ever met i had i had a penis on my head

driver did i tell you that was you do you remember that do you remember that i don't we did a tv show and they put a head and we were doing ejaculation stories.

Well, I was on the show.

And the only reason.

How big was my penis?

Sizable.

The only reason I put the penis on my head is because they said you were going to do it.

And then you came in

and I was like, hey, are you going to get the penis on your head?

And you went, no.

And we sat there and you did the schedule without the penis.

First time I said no in my life.

Yeah.

They were like, no.

And I was like, oh my God.

You could say no.

There's got to be a picture of me as a penis.

I know that I have the tapes, but I remember Joanne did the whole thing.

And I would, my joke was,

yeah, I took a sip and you said something about premature ejaculation.

And I spit it out.

And I was like, I have that problem.

You need the penis half.

Yeah.

You did.

What was the other time we met?

We're doing something for the improv.

That's when you wore a bracelet.

I keep thinking you're going to say braces.

No,

that's when you had the braces on.

Oh, no, you had a bracelet on.

And don't Google.

I don't need to see penis bird.

Yeah.

But

no, that was.

You know, I think if you're in this business as long as I am doing stand-up, it'll get to a point where, you know, you have young audiences now, but as you age, your audiences will age.

And I remember I look through the curtain.

And I see my audience, and they're all old people, gray hair, bald, fat.

No offense.

No jigging.

Tom's not here.

And I'll look through the curtain.

I'll go, ah, god damn it, man.

It's all old people coming to see me.

And then I remember I'm older than they are.

Oh, I, I, uh,

I think you want that as a comic.

You want your audience to age with you and stay with you.

Stay with you.

But a lot of times they start dying.

That's why we're doing the Two Bears 5K.

Oh, are you?

Yeah, we do a Twitter.

We are people to die.

Nope.

No, we're trying to keep them alive.

Oh, geez.

No, we set up a 5K.

We were talking and we're like, yo, our fans look like us.

And if we, we need to get in shape.

And then we all need to get in shape so that they can keep coming.

Like, if they all die, then before us, then we can't do stand-up anymore.

That's right.

So we're trying.

Yeah, we're trying to inspire people to get in shape.

Jellyroll's lost 130 pounds.

Really?

Yeah, Jelly Roll looks.

I mean, I saw a video of him.

Put it in Jelly Roll before and after.

He looks so globally different than he did.

That's not, yeah.

You know who else lost a lot of weight?

It was Tom Wilson.

No.

Oh, no, the comic.

What's his name?

He was on that TV show with.

What's the name of that?

No.

What's that flower with the thorns in it?

What's that flower with the thorns in it?

Rose.

Rose.

What was the name of that comic?

Billy Gardell.

Yes.

Have you seen him lately?

I can only recognize him.

It doesn't look like the same person.

Here's the problem.

Okay, there's Jelly Roll.

That's Jelly Roll.

And where is he now?

Go to the middle one.

Go to the middle one.

Go to the middle one.

I mean, this is like...

Oh, oh, the middle one on the top.

Oh, there he.

Oh, that's Billy Gardell?

Yeah.

On the right?

On the right.

Oh.

And on the left.

Oh, he should go back to the weight.

He should go back to the weight.

He looks good.

But, you know, when do you stop, though?

It's almost like an addiction.

You start, keep losing weight.

That's him?

Yeah.

Jesus.

And then the same with.

oh i can't i maybe it was him

put in putting toms gura before and after this is wild i mean tom's on ozempic so he's lost a ton of weight he told me his trainer was teaching him how to eat properly and he never weighs himself is that bs yeah oh my god the whole time i see a scale well tom wouldn't get on this scale what would lauren think if tom got on this scale

look at how fat he is on the left and then look at him on the right

he's growing some hair too.

He's

hair.

Look at that, man.

He was a mess.

I noticed how he's covering up the love handles, though.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How about when somebody loses a lot of weight like Al Roker?

And they don't, they seem like, you could tell they've lost weight.

Like their head, it just should be carrying more weight.

The head looks weird.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you could tell, like on the far right there, that is.

Here's the question.

I guess it's like,

is Al Roku still alive?

Yeah, I'm doing an interview with him.

Are you serious?

Two days, yeah.

He'd be dead if he had stayed that way, right?

Possibly.

I mean, there's a lot of old fat people.

No, there's actually not.

What about Jack Benny?

I think he's dead.

Oh, he did die.

Let's see.

Wait, who's, you know, Winston Churchill was an old fat guy.

He lived to 80, like, I would have lived in 90s.

Jackie Gleason was heavy.

Jackie Gleason.

I read a book about Jackie Gleason.

You did?

I'm obsessed with those kind of guys.

Shoot, I got a picture at home that you would love.

I got it at the Roseball Flea Market.

It's Jackie Gleason doing his walk, you know, and with Arnold Palmer on a green with the golf stuff and then the crowd around them.

And I did a commercial with Arnold Palmer a while back, and I had him sign it for me.

And I got that hanging in my room.

Shut up.

I don't collect a lot of pictures that are autographed because once you start collecting stuff, it becomes you're a slave to it, right?

Oh, yeah.

i don't collect you collect hats and i'm sure you get people giving you hats from everywhere yeah it's like i don't want that hat you know well i can't do snapbacks people give me a snapback and i go i don't have a big head oh me too really one size does not fit all i'm eight oh you know the mine is off the scale i can't even like one time i got a death threat from someone i was on snl i said we can update and i got a letter handwritten because there was no email back then oh that is commitment

he was really wanting me to know he goes i don't know how you became on so unfunny, but I'm going to put a bullet in your big, fat, Mick head.

And for the next week, I was so paranoid.

I was asking everybody, Do you think I have a big fat head?

It was nothing to do with the letter.

Wait, you're Irish?

Yeah.

Did your mom ever, did you have sisters?

I do have sisters.

Yeah, I have two brothers and three, I mean, three brothers and two sisters.

Just found out I have a new brother about a year ago.

For real?

Not new, but half-brother.

Yeah.

How did you just find this out?

23 and me, which I thought was a dating site for a long time.

so that was a total shock for me

uh wait good thing I didn't date him

did your mom ever say to your sisters hold on a second lady jane no okay

what

why we call her lady jane lady jane have you ever heard that term pierce i don't think anybody here has let me feel lady jane type in lady jane

uh so i just listened to a documentary last night about lady jane gray And

my mom used to say that all the time to my sisters.

Hold one hot second, Lady Jane.

Why don't you slow your britches, Lady Jane?

And Lady Jane was proclaimed queen as part of an unsuccessful bid to prevent the accession of her Catholic cousin, Mary Tudor.

And so the phrase is used as someone who's trying to get too big too fast.

So my mom said it all the time.

And last night, randomly, I'm asleep and I'm listening to podcasts while I sleep.

And this podcast about Lady Jane Gray comes on.

And I go, go, Lady Jane, I wonder if that has any relation.

I wake up in the middle of the night, I Google it, and that's where that phrase comes from.

But it's an Irish phrase because

of Catholic, something about the Catholic religion.

So, yeah, so it's an Irish phrase.

Yeah.

I was wondering if you ever heard that.

I have now.

I would hear this a lot growing up with the people in the neighborhood.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

All the time.

Jesus.

And they call me, you get called a tinker by your grandmother.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you tinkers.

Get in here.

Wow.

That was crazy.

I love documentaries.

I do too.

You got to see this one.

I just, I'm one of the executive producers on it.

With Tim.

Have you seen it?

Yeah, with Tim.

Tell everyone about it.

Yeah, yeah.

Brandy Carlisle, Sarah.

Your wife is a producer?

Yeah.

My wife,

Sarah, what's her name?

Barrasso?

Barellis.

Borrellis.

Borrellis.

Subliminal Borelis.

And yeah, Glennon Doyle and Ambi Wambach and a bunch of other people.

And it was at Sundance and it won the best film at Sundance this year.

It's called Come See Me in the Good Light.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's about

this poet.

She was diagnosed with incurable cancer.

And there's the picture I drew of her.

And she

is like the poet laureate of that whole poetry world.

I mean, she's really very popular.

And she was diagnosed with incurable cancer.

And she lives with her wife or her lover.

And it's about getting through that.

And it's really uplifting.

You know, when you hear something's about cancer and dying, you think, oh, I don't want to see that.

But it is so uplifting.

And you find yourself laughing so much through it.

Really?

And you walk out of there and you think, man, I got to start living in the moment.

Oh.

She'll get like three weeks.

She can live.

There's another three weeks.

My numbers were good.

I get three weeks, you know?

And you're thinking, geez,

I got at least three years.

Yeah.

I was doing your math.

I think you're going to be old when you die.

I was thinking about your mortality today.

Because I think

you're 71.

You did a lot of research.

I did.

I don't know.

I did do a lot of research because I care about you.

You're one of my favorite.

You are really good at this.

No.

I never thought you would be.

A lot of people don't think I am.

I didn't think you'd be a good stand-up either.

A lot of people don't think I am.

No, I always get, I got, we did a show this weekend and

three, I mean, it's crazy, but like everyone got off.

They're like, dude, I forgot how good of a stand-up you are.

I was like, thanks, I think.

Do you know what?

You know, when you see pictures of you or short clips, you think, this guy's like a frat comic.

Yeah.

You know, swilling beer in the belly and whatever.

But when they see you on stage, you tell a good story.

And it's very,

it's compelling and funny.

And you just take the people with you.

And you could see that you're enjoying, you know,

recanting this story.

I think, is that the word?

Yeah.

And

yeah, you're really good.

And I think maybe that might be your,

I don't know if you remember when Bobcat Galthwaite started out.

Yeah.

He was doing like a guy who was, you know, what he was like, he's mentally handicapped.

And then he started getting political.

So you can't stay with that character.

You got to move out of it.

Yeah.

And I just wonder if, you know, to what extent you'll move out.

of, you know, the bear thing and maybe have more stories and, you know, and then you can can lose the weight you want to lose.

I don't know.

I've often thought, like, I would love to do a one-man show, but I, but then I was like, I'm just going to structure it the way I do an hour.

And, you know, I got a really nice compliment from David Letterman one time.

He was doing an interview, and he was like, saying to the guy he was doing the interview with,

I'm drawing a blank on his name.

He did Moonlight Mile.

He's a comic.

Oh, Mike Berbiglian?

No, no.

No.

Moonlight Mile.

Was it Johnny Carson?

No.

No.

Merve Griffin.

Anyway.

We'll look it up later.

He said, David Letterman said, you know, you know the guy that does stand-up shirtless?

And he goes, yeah, Burke Kreiser.

And he goes, he's amazing.

He's an amazing comedian.

And he doesn't have a shirt on.

And he said, yeah.

And he goes, and he never mentions it.

He doesn't talk about it.

He just takes his shirt off.

And he goes, yeah.

He's like, but he's a great comedian.

He's like, yeah.

And David Letterman was was like, It's just, and

Sarah texted me one time and said the same thing.

She's like, David Letterman really likes you, but he's like really fascinated about why you take your shirt off.

The first time I met Norm McDonald, I got off stage and he was crying, laughing on the other side of the curtain.

And I thought he was laughing.

I don't know what he was laughing at, but he just kept going, there's no shirt on.

There's no shirt on.

No shirt.

No shirt.

You forgot your shirt.

Yeah.

And yeah,

I've often wondered if I'd ever get out of,

start wearing a shirt, like if I lost a lot of weight.

But you should paint like a six-pack on there.

Shadow it.

I've done it before?

I've done spray tan.

But with the six-pack kind of look?

No.

I would love that.

I would never get a six-pack.

I have a hernia.

I'll never have a six-pack.

Why not fix that hernia?

I think it's elective surgery.

Oh, cosmetic?

Yeah.

So I was like, eh, if I'm getting cosmetic surgery, that's not what I'm getting.

You know, I ran up to Letterman a couple weeks ago, and I hadn't hadn't seen him in a long time.

And he was always the Letterman that you're kind of afraid of.

And he could not have been more friendly and complimentary.

He was citing different things that he loved.

Like, you know, you were at the Mark Twain thing.

You were like the best one there.

And you, you know, I love your hiking show.

It's so, so creative.

And then he goes, you told a joke.

You used to tell a joke.

It makes me laugh.

retell it a lot.

I give you credit.

And that he goes, the Lincoln thing.

As if I would know.

Oh, yeah, the Lincoln thing.

I go, the Lincoln thing?

He goes, yeah, you know, when you talk about the Lincoln going to school and stuff.

I said, I don't know if that was me or not.

He goes, oh, no, well, I've been telling everybody it's you.

I'm pretty sure it was yours.

So

the joke was this.

It's not even a joke.

He says, you know, that Lincoln used to walk to school every day in the snow,

but what they don't tell you is he was always late.

So he loved that joke.

I thought, man, I should start doing that again, but do a whole bit like what you don't know about certain famous people.

Yeah, General Custard was scalped at Little Big Porn, but it was a wig, you know, that kind of thing.

So I thought, well, I'm going to try that Lincoln thing, you know, in my stand-up and I'm sure it'll kill.

I try it, nothing, no laugh at all.

Do you know the joke I wrote for you today?

No.

Cause I,

you did a,

I was, I'm trying to, I'm trying to write like a lot lately.

Oh, yeah.

And so

like more than ever, because I feel like

I, cause I don't like, I,

this last special is like the best thing I could have done, and so I feel like I need to grow in a different direction.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How many specials do you have?

Six, six, yeah.

So this, I think, I think, I think this is six, but this one is like the best one I've done.

I've taken chances I've never taken.

I wear a different outfit.

I'm like, like, I just really go for it on this special.

So now I'm like, I took some time off.

I'm like, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to write.

I'm going to just really see everything and just write.

I wrote so much.

I wrote two jokes from you today.

Lincoln?

No, no, no.

Let's see the one.

You did a, you were, you did, I was watching you on Conan this morning on the treadmill, and you did a picture of Conan where you drew his picture as a character, but you only drew this part, right?

Yeah.

And the joke I wrote was, and this is perfect for that, Mount Rushmore seems super impressive until you find out they were supposed to be the whole bodies.

They made the head too big and like,

ran out of rocks.

And then the other one, I was, this is just an idea, but you were talking about you, I think Bill Maher was trying to get you to smoke weed.

And you're like, I don't like to feel out of control.

And I was like, oh,

that's my favorite feeling.

And I was like, that's the difference between people that

don't like to get in the water at the beach and then people that like to swim 30 yards out.

Yeah.

It gets shadowed out of here, too.

Those people that swim offshore like that.

Oh.

That's a death wish right there.

No, it's so fun.

Oh, you do that?

I have.

Yeah, I have.

I i don't do it in where we don't we go to the beach up in oxnard and i don't do it there because it's crazy water out there so sometimes you can get pulled out on a riptide and i don't want that no no but as a kid always growing up in florida in the gulf of america i think it's called now

but america is now called mexico so it's a trade okay i like it um

we would always swim out to the sandbar which was like 30 yards out 40 yards out Did you never swam out in the ocean like that?

Well, I was a lifeguard.

For real.

For a while, yeah, for three years on a beach, it was on Long Island Sound, so it didn't get that deep.

It was like a foot deep for like a mile.

And you would just be pulling drunk people up, you know, so they wouldn't drown.

And then,

yeah, so I would do that for three years.

And I wanted to buy a guitar.

I remember this.

So I got another job at night at Dunkin' Donuts.

So I worked from 10 to 5 at night at Dunkin' Donuts.

And then I was a lifeguard from 10 to 5.

So those two don't really, yeah, night shift and day shift as a lifeguard is not a good combo.

Yeah.

I think I slept through two drownings,

One of them at Duncan Donas.

But yeah, so

I was a good swimmer.

I haven't swam lately.

But yeah, I like to be in control.

What kind of a husband are you?

Because with your person, you seem like you don't get

you don't like fly off the handle.

You've always seemed so even-keeled, almost to a fault.

Like you're so even-keeled.

Like

I was wondering, like, what it's like to be parented by even-keeled.

But you know what?

You're right.

It's even keeled.

What is that like?

My wife sometimes will get on me because I don't show, I'm not

demonstrative like she is.

She's very, you know what's on her mind.

She gets excited really or she'll be crying.

And I'm just even keel.

She goes, you have to get, you know, excited.

I said, well, you know, when we look at an open house, you shouldn't get really excited.

Yeah.

You know, because that's not going to help in the negotiations.

And that's what I do.

I just go in there and yeah, it's okay.

Plus, I always think, well,

I'm not going to get excited because it may not happen.

You know, it may not happen.

You know what I mean?

I'm like your wife.

Oh, you are.

Oh, we went to buy a car one time.

This is a while ago.

And

I also have ego problems.

So like I feel someone's threatening me.

Like

I felt I had a pool guy one time and I was like, I want to move our, I want to get rid of this pool where it is.

I want to move it in the center.

I'm so good.

I had a little extra money.

I had a little extra money.

And then

in doing that, I realized it would be, it's, you're never going to fill in the pool the way, and it's never going to settle the way you want it to.

And it was just, it was foolhardy.

And then he said to me, he said to my wife, yeah, I didn't hear back from him.

I just figured Burt ran out of all his money.

And I was like, fuck it.

We're doing the pool now.

And the answer's like, what are you doing?

I was like, no, fuck that.

So I have like an ego thing.

So we were going to buy a car one time.

And my business manager was like, we're just going to buy it in cash.

Okay.

And I was like, great.

And the guy's like,

he said something like you think you can afford a car like this and i was like afford it i'm buying in cash my business manager was like buddy we have no room to negotiate now and i was like oh

see i'm like your wife i'm getting very excited i very

yes what is your go-to uh in in in the pool i bet it's a cannonball no no

i thought you would be a cannonball guy no no no i'm not a dive guy oh no i walk into the pool always oh you don't have any kind of like a back flip or oh no no oh no no what's the one where you jump and you hold one knee up?

A preacher seat.

Oh, is that a preacher fish?

Yeah, where you hold one and you lay like that.

We call it a preacher seat growing up.

I have rituals in the pool.

Like I'm a little OCD.

I get into the pool almost every, just about every day, and I get down to the shallow end and I hold my breath and I swim all the way to the deep end.

And we have a 13-foot pool, so it gets really cold at the deep end.

Oh, 13 feet deep?

Yeah.

That's why we kept that pool.

You have deep sea fish down there?

Got stuff that people never knew of.

When the fires were coming, they said that was the move.

I have a scuba tank and scuba set up.

And that one guy lived through the fires.

He in, maybe in the Palisades, where he got his scuba stuff and got into it.

And hilarious?

Yeah.

I was like, that was a move I was going to do.

I never even thought about that.

If the fire had gotten to us, it would have been.

But, you know, you've seen that kind of a cartoon, whatever it is, when the plane comes down and scoops water up out of a pool.

They drop the body onto the fire.

They didn't know they had the person in there with the water.

Out of this guy with a scuba tank get in on the street?

But

yeah, it's

it's I, you know, I'm not a good negotiator either because I don't want to hurt the person's feelings.

You know, I said, what's what's the best deal?

Like right now, okay,

$75,000.

What's the best deal out the door?

And then they go, $75,000.

I go, sold.

Yeah, I just don't want to,

even when I'm like in a foreign country, you know, where you can negotiate with you guys.

You could bargain with these guys.

How much for that blanket?

That's 65 euros.

I'll give you 64.

How's that?

65.

All right.

Deal.

55 is.

I'm so bad at negotiating.

I should not be able to buy anything.

I never look for a deal.

What's the

last thing that you bought just spontaneously?

You didn't even need it.

Almost everything.

Anything?

Everything.

It's almost everything I buy.

Like I bought,

I bought, my buddy bought a new house, and I have a really great flashlight.

And

it's 200,000 luminums.

So it lights up your whole backyard.

Oh, my God.

It's actually a self-defense

weapon, in my opinion.

You can blind somebody.

You can blind somebody.

If you turn it on, the person cannot see.

So that's why I bought it initially, and then I bought it, and it was great.

So I bought one for my dad, and then I bought one for my brother-in-law.

and then I bought a second one for me to have it-you know, just in case I couldn't find the first one.

Give it all to your 5K runners.

Yeah, I gave, I bought one for Tom for Christmas, and then my buddy bought a house.

I just go, I'm gonna buy him the flashlight.

My wife goes, Hey, it's a thousand dollars.

Like, what are you giving him a thousand dollars?

And I was like, Oh, yeah, what am I doing?

I don't need to be the flashlight guy.

That's the thing.

When you find something you really like, you feel like everybody else should have it.

I agree 100%.

Knives, I love knives.

Oh, yeah.

Look, like cooking knives or just throwing knives, or just I love every knife.

Like, I I have, I have

great cooking knives.

I have great cooking knives.

Yes, I'm a big cook.

And then I do have a cooking show.

You should come on and do the cooking show.

Sure.

I'll have you and Dana Carvey together.

Okay.

Do the cooking show.

Yeah, I'll do it all.

I hate heats too.

He's, and he, he,

I, I want to say this, and I know that I'm overstepping my boundaries, but we're a little bit like brothers because he was a big runner and drinker, and I'm a big runner and drinker.

Yeah.

Oh, you run still?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're like the guy.

I went to go buy new running shoes.

I walked in and the guy goes, I say, can I try these on?

He goes, sure, what are you getting them for?

Who are you getting them for?

I was like, I'm getting them for me.

And he's like, what are you going to do with them?

And I was like, I was going to run in them.

And he's like, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

You can run in them.

And I was like, wait, did you sell it to everyone here?

Yeah, no, I.

I like buying condoms.

What are you going to use these for?

Yeah.

I used to buy Magnum condoms whenever I bought Rogaine.

So I was embarrassed to buy Rogaine.

It comes in a kit, doesn't it?

If they sell it together.

Yeah.

It should come in a kit.

But,

no,

I love knives.

That's why I'll buy people knives and give people knives.

That's nice.

That's a nice gift.

Tom taught me to buy people gifts.

It's fun to buy people gifts.

Tom gives watches.

He likes watches.

Tom loves watches.

He's the reason I got into watches, and I'm not even really into watches.

Well, you got one on each wrist.

No, this is.

Oh, that's a heart monitor?

This is a heart monitor, and there's a bracelet my wife has.

Is that a really heart monitor?

Yeah, it's a whoop.

I can tell you my heart rate right now.

Do you know,

I'm like that with scissors.

I wanted to buy a good pair of scissors just to trim if you know like pandemic and stuff.

And I went online.

I was expecting to buy like, you know, spend $300 on one, really good ones.

Yeah.

And they weren't, they were all like $40.

I said, I don't want that crap.

You know,

dude, I love what you're talking about.

I can get into something.

So bizarre and then get obsessed with that sub-genre.

Yeah.

Like scissors is something I'd really get into.

Or you like the scissors?

Well,

I like

sharp things.

I'm like the trimmers.

I got so many beard trimmers.

How about nose hair clips?

Oh, I got nose hair trimmers.

Dude, great scissors are hard to come by.

When you see like scissors, the kind, the best scissors are the kind that you have to take apart and put back together to use.

You've seen those?

No.

Because they sharpen them and they take them apart and put them back together.

Yeah.

But these that I have now are really, I have all those right there on that.

It's a set.

But

you could cut yourself like that's a blade.

Oh, yeah.

Have you ever had a, I know you've had a beard for a long time, but you ever have a straight-edge shave?

One time.

It does not get any closer than that.

It does not.

To death, too.

It was the, it was

the guy.

Do you ever see Anthony Bourdain get a straight edge, straight edge?

No.

And the guy was nervous to be on camera?

Type in Anthony Bourdain's straight-edge shave,

and he was bleeding everywhere.

The guy cut him so bad, just do images, and he was bleeding so bad.

It was on

his show.

Oh, he was ripped in that picture up there.

Anthony Bourdain was in great shape.

And he was a smoker.

Oh, hard to get a bunch of people.

And a drinker.

You never smoked cigarettes?

No.

Never drank?

Oh, yeah, I drank.

You drank?

Oh, I used to drink.

I wasn't like crazy drinking, but I would.

Here we go.

That's a nice close shave.

He's using exact ones.

If you see the guy start shaking,

okay.

You make me nervous.

Oh, my God.

It starts getting worse because he's doing his chin.

And the guy's, watch the guy's hands shaking.

I've never been filmed like this.

Oh, he's cutting the fuck out of his face.

Well, some people have that, you know, those little rough skin and you can't help mixing it up.

Do you shave every day?

If I'm not lazy.

Yeah.

I did have a goatee for a while.

I go back and forth.

I've had a beard for a very long time.

Well, the great thing about like for someone my age,

guys will, you know, you start getting the jowls and stuff and those little wrinkles around the mouth.

So I think, I'm going to grow a goatee.

That'll cover all that up.

But then the goatee comes in all gray.

So you got to make a choice.

Do you want to look older from a gray hair or just from your face kind of sagging a little?

You don't look old at all.

Like you look like you haven't aged your whole life.

Well, you should see my insides.

Like I said, I had four joints replaced.

Yeah.

i i had a fib

you know um which is not life-threatening unless you let it go but um so you know they fixed that so i'm like an old boat they keep patching me up yeah but they got a lot of nice paint on me you know you don't you look great like you i like when i went downstairs and i was talking about

i said i said yeah his uh i think i think i'm in 71 the entire room went he's 71 and i was like well he's old i was like no that but i would love to look like you at 71 Like, that would be great.

My dad's 77.

And he's like, you could tell.

I think, well, the other thing is you look at those guys who worked out like crazy and ran ultra marathons.

My dad was a marathon runner and now his knees are shot.

His hips are shot.

And you're like, so when, what's working out do for you?

Like, you just should do it very lightly almost.

Yeah.

I mean, I used to run a lot on the street for real.

And in hindsight, I would never do that.

I would run in a mall hauler like 10 miles.

I did that for like a month.

I would do that.

Not every day, but yeah, I used to run a lot.

I played football and rugby and soccer so you know i took a toll on my uh my joints and um i would never do that again when i see people running down san vicente which is a trafficky you know they have that medium in the middle where they run on there and there's i these are crazy they're breathing in exhaust they're ruining their their knee joints and um but you know it's just what they do it's what people do they uh somebody said once i don't work out why my body's meant to just you know keep that those greasy joints going you know i think that's the valuable thing is like i started lifting weights so that i was so that i could like i wanted to maintain muscles to be able to get out of a chair and stuff and like

because that was the one thing i saw with my dad my dad we you're whose mom fell down yesterday and they had to get the police to get her

our friend's mom fell down and they had to

rescue to get her up no way yeah

My mom fell in her house with my dad.

Fell together?

No, no, my mom fell.

She would, you know, maybe had a couple glasses of Kim Crawford.

And my dad tried to get her up.

And then my dad just went in, came back and brought a pillow and a blanket.

And he's like, we'll figure it out tomorrow.

And I was like, and then I heard that.

And then my parents fell.

When we were doing Fully Loaded, they fell in the ocean.

They fell.

They had

lawn chairs at the very foot of the brakes.

And a wave knocked them both over and neither of them could get up and lifeguards had to get them up.

And I told my dad, I go, that's got to change.

And so my dad started doing no more swimming.

No more swimming.

No more sitting down.

So my dad started doing squats and rowing and walking.

And he goes, buddy, the first day I walked, I had it on a one.

And I was like, how long is this going to take?

And now my dad says he's like walking at a 3.5 and he's going to do our 5k with us.

That's great.

Him and my mom.

But it's like a lot of it, for me, that's where I started lifting weights.

So I didn't want to get, I didn't ever want to get to a deficit place where I was like, I was like, yeah, I just, you know, my arms are falling apart, apart, you know, or my, yeah, you want to stay ahead of it.

I want to stay ahead of it, but I think there's a fine balance about not abusing your body.

Oh, yeah, moderation, my father always used to say.

But here's, first of all, I think you should go into Pilates and forget the weights for real.

Because that'll stretch you out and that'll make you strong.

Do you do Pilates?

No, I hate it.

I hate it.

No, I would do it, but I don't want to do it.

But I think Pilates and,

oh, I was going to say that, you know, you think about building up your chest and your arms, you know, and get the abs.

But when you get to a certain age, like around my age, you see guys like in their 80s and their ass is sagging.

So all of you think, well, maybe it's time to start doing squats, you know, concentrate on the squats.

I posted a picture.

I've always been a naked guy, right?

I posted a picture of me in college overlooking the Appalachian Trail naked, just my butt.

And then I said, I'm going to recreate the picture.

And I posted it again of me in my backyard, just the butt.

My butt has fallen apart so bad that it really made me.

And I started saying, I'm going to work on squats and get my ass built.

You're right.

A saggy old man ass.

There's nothing sexy about it.

And then also the back starts to sag.

Oh.

Oh.

And the balls.

Oh, my God.

Well, I'm on testosterone.

My balls aren't even there anymore.

Oh, really?

It's just a sack.

How much testosterone do you take?

A lot.

Is it healthy?

I think so.

We'll see.

We'll see.

I mean.

Oh, my God.

Look at those pictures.

Oh, my God.

That's the worst.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

And that's, oh, that's like an elephant on the far right.

Yeah.

Is that a vagina?

Oh, that does look like an elephant.

That's an elephant.

Oh, my God.

I think that's bed sores.

Oh, maybe it is.

You got to admit, though, kind of hot, though.

Kind of hot.

Yeah.

Look at that.

And that guy's got a name on the back of his.

I am definitely going to do, I'm working all my out.

I'm going to do the squats.

It's got to be cool to be, like, because at 50, I'm 52.

At 52, I go, oh, what if I get Alzheimer's?

What if I get dementia?

What if I get this?

What if I get that?

70, at 71, you get to go, I didn't get any of that shit.

I know.

I know.

I didn't get any of that.

That's crazy.

But no ALS, no Lou Gehrigs, no, none of that.

You got nothing.

You just are healthy.

I don't know about that.

You know what I've been doing?

Not lately, but I've done this before.

There was a time when I was leaving the stove on and my wife got really worried.

But it wasn't like high.

It was very low because I think I turned it the wrong way and the pilot light was still on.

And then I think, and then the other day, this happened twice.

The first time she didn't know it, and I discovered it.

I poured a glass of milk.

I took the glass out of the cupboard, poured a glass of milk, put the milk in the glass cupboard and shut the door.

I went away.

She videotaped the kitchen.

She opened up the cupboard door and there was the milk in there.

So she's really worried about me.

So

she wanted me go in for a dementia test, which is scary.

Oh my God.

And her therapist says, don't make anybody go in for one of those.

That's really scary to have to do that.

Because, you know, you don't want to know really if you have dementia because there's nothing they can do, right?

There's nothing they can do.

To fix it.

Yeah.

I leave the remote control in the fridge.

Like, I've been doing that for a long time.

Thank God, buddy.

You're the same boy.

Oh, man.

I literally,

as I'm talking to you, I'm like trying to write things down so I go, I know I'm going to forget this.

Like, I just, but I also think it's like, I think

if you have dementia, you really know.

But it comes comes gradually though i can't remember people's names like that i've known for a long time

okay you know what though i couldn't remember lee major's name the other day i think what's the six million dollars name his name i've done that really i've done that oh yeah and then i want i don't want to like somebody to tell me i want to work it out i love that i love that working it out by the way i did that the other night in bed i was like i was like what was the what is my name i you ready I said, what countries do a leapa from?

Now, I know what country because I know.

What country is what?

Dua Lipa.

Oh, okay.

Just randomly, my brain said, what country is Dua Lipa from?

And I was like, okay, I know when I lived in Serbia.

You live in Serbia?

Yeah, for doing a movie.

I was just in there for three months.

I was like, I know it's close to Serbia.

I know that it was never a part of Yugoslavia.

I know that it's not Chechnya.

I know it's not Croatia.

I know it's not.

Just those names.

As I'm doing it.

And I just sat with it all day.

And I was like, I know it.

I know it.

I know it.

And all of a sudden, I'm sitting there and I go, fucking Albania.

And I was like, kids, I got to mention Albania.

It took me all day.

Albania.

I do that all the time.

Yeah.

You do, okay.

But then you go on stage and your act comes off like this.

You're like, grat.

And you're like, there's no way when someone with dementia can do their act.

Well, you know, Glenn Campbell.

Yeah.

He had dementia.

But he could sing a song.

He was a single before.

He remembered all the lyrics, how to play the guitar.

Then that's fine.

If I get dementia, I just do stand-up a lot.

I just walk around with a mic in my hand.

And I'm like, hey, what's your name?

Where are you from?

I guess I'm your wife.

I live here.

What do you do for a living?

I don't have a job.

You know that, bird.

I guess it's a long-term memory you remember, but it's a short-term you don't remember.

So they remember how to play songs and stuff.

That's crazy.

No,

I was actually concerned about it for a second because I'm a hypochondriac.

And I think when Bruce Willis got it, I was like, oh, fuck.

I know, right?

And then

I did Tampa and people that I grew up with were coming up to me.

And I was like, Paula, how you doing?

She was like, you remember my name?

And I was like, fuck.

Yes, I do.

I knew everyone's name I grew up with.

I don't remember people's names like, like when I went, I went to Super Bowl and it's like this.

I'm just like, uh-huh.

Yeah.

And my hearing's going, I think.

Oh, it is.

Like, I think so.

If I'm in a bar, I can't hear anybody.

Oh, no.

Well, that's understandable.

But you know, I have a friend who has hearing aids.

And he said, do you know when you need a hearing aid?

When you find yourself saying what a lot.

I don't even say what.

I just go, sure.

Yeah.

Sure.

And they're like, you really want to storm the Capitol?

I'm like, what?

Yeah.

yeah that's true that's true um i also think it's like i i also write it off to okay if i quit drinking tomorrow then everything comes right back i'd be like sharp as a tack well you told me the last time i i ran into you is you said you're you're cutting back on the drink i cut back i cut back drastically like for for like three months i didn't drink and i felt phenomenal and it was so hard to start drinking again that i said to myself i'm never gonna quit because i don't it's so hard to start

i'm like that with sweets i gave up sweets for six months once and i have a real problem with sweets for real yeah what's your go-to sweet whatever's there like like if you go to the store are you a sour patch guy well here's what i am not so much sour that's a little too tart i love um the double chocolate milano cookies i'll put a bag in that little shopping cart and as i'm shopping for other stuff i'll be eating them the bag is finished by the time i get to the cash register oh my god and i and i pay for the bag basically just paid for the bag yeah but i love all kinds of uh i mean chocolate chip cookies.

Yeah, all of that stuff.

I was just talking to, I was talking to a football player about the best desserts are the hot cookie or a hot brownie with ice cream on it with caramel all over.

H cobbler for me.

Oh my God.

But you would eat that, even though you're not a sweet guy.

You know what?

No.

Like when sweets show up at the table, I don't.

I just

it looks amazing.

And sometimes I'll go, the only one I cannot say no to.

And I don't know, this is like a weird, it's a weird one, is key lime pie.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

If I see key lime pie, I know that it was meant to be in my life.

Like, if it shows up, then I go, there's a reason it's here, and I'm not going to deny that reason.

Is it the real key lime pie that's not green?

My mouse watering right now.

We stayed, we stayed at a place in New Hampshire.

It was a theater, I forget the name of it.

Where's New Hampshire?

Uh, do you remember

Manchester?

I don't know.

I don't remember.

Yeah, it gets to be like that.

When I first met Sarah

Borales,

Sarah Zilverman, she said she was from New Hampshire, and I said, oh, cool.

She goes, you look like

you want to say something?

I go, I don't know where New Hampshire is.

She was like, you don't know where New Hampshire is?

Albania is, but not Albania.

Albania.

I said, you're talking about Albania?

But no, we played in New Hampshire at some place in New Hampshire.

And they had, and I think about this like once a week, they had.

frozen chocolate dipped key lime pies on a stick.

So they had a slice of key key lime pie that they dipped in chocolate and then had them in the freezer and you could eat as many as you want.

And I had three.

Wow.

I'm like that with ice cream sandwiches.

Milford.

Guilford.

Guilford.

Guilford.

Could be Milford.

I don't know where that is.

You grew up in Connecticut, right?

I did grow up in Connecticut, but my grandparents lived in Kittery, Maine, which is right across the New Hampshire border above Portsmouth.

Really?

We go up there every year.

And it was beautiful.

And also I have a, this is quite an interesting story.

I was going up to Maine to an island called Islesboro.

Excuse me.

And my mother said, oh, you're going up there.

You should look up your great, great, great, great grandfather.

He was a ship captain, and he died, and they buried him in a Protestant cemetery there.

It's a very small island.

And so I thought, okay, what's his name?

Elliot was the last name, Elliot.

And I said, okay.

So I find, I can't find

the cemetery.

So I find this Protestant minister.

I knock on his door, and I can see him across the room.

He's, you know, at the house, he's eating.

He's finishing breakfast or something.

Can I help you?

And I say, sure, yeah, I'm looking for the Protestant cemetery.

I'll show you where it is.

So we get in the car and he's driving me down this road that becomes a dirt road and then kind of grass in the middle, then all grass.

And then it stops.

And he looks out the window.

He goes, it's right over there.

And I get out.

It's all bushes.

I said, he goes, yeah, you got to look through the bushes and stuff.

And there's like markers, you know, these little stone markers with the dates on them and the little names.

And they're leaning over.

And I looked for like a half hour.

I couldn't find it.

So I go back to him.

I said, he goes, did you find it?

I said, I can't find it.

He goes, did you look up in the trees?

The trees over years will pick up the, you know, the marker, the gravestone, and it'll grow up with the tree.

So there would be markers up in the tree, gravestones.

It's like a Stephen King kind of a story.

Oh, my God.

And I've seen that happen with bikes before where it brings the bike up.

I've seen that.

I think I saw that with a car.

I saw it with a battleship.

It was crazy, man.

And it was a little birch tree.

it'll get

into the tree.

Yeah, it'll just be wild.

Yeah, look at that gravestone right there.

That'll take it up.

I kind of almost now want to be buried.

And the day I'm buried, plant like an oak right next to my tombstone so it gets brought up in the tree.

And I end up up.

And then your body's almost in the tree, too.

Your face is sticking out a little bit.

Yeah, just like a.

You know, they beheaded Oliver Cromwell

after he was dead.

Oh, better.

That's better.

If you had to behead somebody, I know you like knives.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Would you do a slow cut or would you do an axe or would you do like a big scissor kind of thing or a carving knife?

I would do a big.

What did you use last time?

The last time I did it, I was wrong.

I tried to do paper cuts, and it just took forever.

Yeah, you need the legal pad paper.

No, I always think like they, like when they went to behead,

I was a little obsessed with beheading because I was obsessed with history.

And when they went to behead Marie Antoinette, they found out she had a no, no, was it Marie Antoinette?

She had her dog with her and she had a wig on and her wig fell off.

But they all wore wigs back then.

I know, but I think people also just were like, oh, that's what you look like?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what your head looks like rolling down the street.

I would use one of those big, big axes.

I think you want a lot of the energy.

energy like a cartoon axe like a cartoon axe

yeah yeah like a big battle axe yeah yeah i don't think i don't think i could behead somebody

if you had to you would yeah if i knew something hurt my daughters i could definitely kill them yeah i would have definitely killed them do you are you okay watching like gory um i can't watch you have a horror movie coming out uh called inhabitants you are such a researcher and uh really impressed and uh thank you for all that well thank you it comes out february 14th on apple tv is it the 14th yeah it is I got to tell you something.

I've done like, I have five films coming out this year, but they're small films.

I've done like one or two a couple years ago.

And

you're going to have to go more too?

Yeah.

Okay, keep going.

And

I'm watching TV.

There's a trailer for a movie, and it looks really scary.

I go, oh my God, this looks good.

And I'm watching it.

And then they cut to my scene.

I'm in a scene.

I'm in a crystal shop selling crystal.

It's like, oh, that's that movie.

Is that inhabitants?

Yeah, it's inhabitants.

The premise is there's a boy.

No, he's a man, but he looks like a boy to me in the movie.

But he's a young man and he's married.

And

he gave up the church.

And the guy that he went to camp with, who was his camp counselor, who was kind of like really indoctrinating the church, is now haunting him.

And then he brings his mom back, who still has faith, to try to get rid of the spirit, correct?

I have no idea.

I have no idea.

I got to see this movie.

It sounds good.

Yeah, that's the gist of it.

You know, from the trailer, you can see it.

Here's what I like to do.

I like to go to a movie set.

Yeah.

And the director comes over and

he says, hey, we're really happy to have you here.

I said, I'm happy to be here.

And I can't wait to read the script.

And we'll have a little time to read it.

But we should have read it.

Is there ever a place you won't be funny?

Like where you go.

No, because like we talked about before, I'm trying to lighten up things because that makes me feel more comfortable.

But I guess, I mean, I've done memorials before where, you know, I try to be funny.

Whose memorial did you do that I just recently

did Shanlings?

I did Shanlings.

I did Norm McDonald's.

I did Tom Security.

Oh, no.

I did not do his.

You'll be doing his.

You should start working on that right now.

I know how it starts.

You do?

Looks like I won.

I'm still here.

I think everyone in this room is as shocked as I am that it's me doing his and not vice versa.

It's such a great line.

You hope that he dies

quickly.

I did this Gary Shanling one.

I have people coming up to me.

Would you do my memorial afterwards?

Would you do, you know?

But I've done a few.

And how do you prepare for Gary Shandling's memorial?

Well, you wait from the die first.

Well, you know, he died, and which was a total shock because he'd never done that before.

And so

he,

we were really great friends.

It was like you and Tom.

And they didn't have the memorial until like a month later.

So I had plenty of time when I was on the road.

I would put the headphones on, listen to sad music or music we used to listen to and just write my memories of him.

And I had like a month to do it.

So

it was really the first thing I've ever prepared for in my life.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that's kind of what you do.

And also I found that it's the best audience because they're all in tune they're listening there's not a blender going on in the back it's a little funny goes a long way a little funny is the savior when you talk about you know the times you used to have and people start getting choked up and then bam you hit them with a joke and they laugh harder because they're looking for that escape yeah i mean and it's it's um yeah it's true it's like after 911 i think there was a certain time you had to wait or for anything even like the fires and you know and then people are looking for something to bring them back up again whose memorial did you do better at like if you had to post one online and you're like which one would get more likes shandlings or norms um

probably shandlings yeah um norms uh my favorite line with the norm one was um

everybody's saying how brave his comedy was and courageous and i said i think it was just poor judgment you know

just totally poor judgment on his part it's crazy that in OJ's death, all they did was post norm clips.

O.J.

died.

The only thing that went out was all norm roasting OJ.

Kind of wild.

Yeah.

I love those norm clips now.

They're showing.

I didn't realize he was that funny.

You know what I mean?

I'm serious.

I never, I thought Norm is just kind of a, you know, a wise guy.

But then he started playing all these clips.

I go, that's hilarious.

Oh, he's.

His book is great.

He was one of the guys that like we all discovered, like, when the internet showed up, and then all of us have been doing stand-up for a while, and we knew who Norm was, but we didn't, like, you know, you only knew the Norm show or dirty work or his SNL stuff, but like, he didn't really get the props I think that he deserved.

And then when the internet showed up, I remember the first clip was the clip of Carrot Top where he goes,

he's with

Courtney Smith, and she was like, I'm doing a movie with

Carrot Top.

And Coney goes, Norm, you had to joke about that.

And she goes, what's it called?

And he goes, chairman Chairman of the board.

Norm goes, is it spelled B-O-R-E-D?

And the I mean, that was the first clip of Norm's where everyone's like, I got to deep dive him.

Yeah.

I mean, his favorite joke of mine was he goes, My dad's a country guy, lived out in the country.

I was with him the first time he saw an elevator.

Do you know this joke?

No.

He goes, Yeah.

I like the impression, though.

The doors open, and a big old fat lady gets in it, and my dad didn't know what it was.

The doors closed, and then they open again, and a beautiful woman comes out of it.

And my dad looks at me and goes, Norm, go get your mom.

That's a good joke.

Norm was, Norm was,

the thing I liked about Norm, I don't have this, but like Norm didn't mind the silence in you waiting to get the joke.

For a long time.

Like he could, he could do it.

And then if you didn't get it.

He wasn't rushing it.

He's like, okay.

Like I was, I was, my, one of my favorite Norm stories, and I only have a handful, was

I was doing a big, I was going to do a big show because my special was coming out March 17th.

It comes out the 18th this year.

It came out the 17th that year.

Like, I've always, my specials have always dropped on like one of two days.

And I was going to do a big St.

Patrick's Day Colin Sick to Work show.

Everyone's going to show up at 10 a.m.

at the store, and we're going to do shows and day drinking all the way until like 9 o'clock at night.

And I had everyone.

I had like Spade, Norm.

I had everyone.

Sebastian, Joe.

That was stacked.

And

Colin?

Colin

Colin Farrell stay-at-home

It was Colin Zigdork.

The stay-at-home orders came in on the 13th.

So everyone's for pandemic.

What do you do when you have a back-to-back show?

What do you mean?

When you do two shows a night.

Do you ever do that?

Yeah.

How's the second one go?

It goes great.

It does?

Yeah.

I don't drink on stage.

Oh, you don't?

No.

I think that's the misnomer of me is I think people think I'm drunk.

Like I ran into a person.

I can't say his name because I already said it's name-dropping, but it was John Legend.

And John Legend said to me the other night, he goes,

we were just about to do a benefit.

And he was like,

oh, John Mayer, John Mayer.

I'm sorry, not John Legend.

It's better if it's John Legend.

And so he goes,

he goes,

on a scale of 10, 1 to 10, how drunk are you right now?

I said, not.

And he goes, no, like, how many beers have you had?

And I said, zero.

Oh, so you don't drink at all before you go on?

No, no, never.

I never do.

Like, I have, but I don't, primarily, I would never do that.

So if we do two shows, I won't drink on the first show, and then on the second show, uh, I'll have a drink when I start the machine story at the end.

So, but, um, but what was I saying?

You're talking about uh, oh, norm, norm, yeah, so stay-at-home orders start on the 13th.

On the 17th, we're supposed to do the show.

We've all been in our house for four days now, and I get a text from Norm.

I think it was a text or a phone call, and he's like, What time should I be at the club?

And I write back,

I don't think we're doing the show today, Norm.

He said, why not?

And I said,

stay-at-home orders.

And he goes, what's that?

And I said, there's a pandemic right now.

And he goes, seriously, what time should I be there?

And then I just was like, I don't know how to answer.

But he didn't mind

sending the joke text.

And if you didn't get it, and maybe it upset, it didn't bother him.

No.

I liked that.

No, nothing bothered him.

No.

He was a character.

I got tons of stories about Norm.

but yeah, and nobody knew he was sick the last nine years.

Really?

It was nine years.

And I would work with him, and I would see him all different weights.

He'd be bloated, then he'd be thin from all the medicine he was taking.

Yeah.

And he would, um, he would walk the room sometimes.

You know, people just leave.

Or people thought he was drunk, but it was the medicine he was taking.

Right.

In hindsight, I realized that.

And, but Norm was, he was.

He didn't tell anybody.

He told our manager, Mark Erbits.

Oh, really?

And that's all, and his son and his

his

friend Laurie, Laurie Joe, but and me and Dana.

He told Dana too.

And he told

the VFW downtown.

Yeah.

And the Mason Club, the Mason

and Girl Scout Troop 25.

And the people in Albania knew.

Ed Car Salesman.

That's it.

Car salesman.

I wish I had that ability.

But yeah, he was

something.

Well, let me see if I have any more questions.

I could sit and talk to you for another hour.

Oh, I know.

You're so.

I mean, like,

I know that

you're such a legend.

And it's like, but you've always been understated.

Like, you've never, you're not like a guy that walks in with an entourage.

You're not someone that makes a stink.

If you're doing spots at the improv and you've been doing them since the improv started like you you're not someone who's like going in and bumping people no you're just a you're like the the stereotype of what we should all be or strive for i i wish i had a posse i mean when i came in here and i saw you got like 12 people working for you i'm like geez why don't i do this

i should get some people just hanging around with laptops i know you know they put on screen protectors so i can't see what they're doing oh really yeah and then i go well don't put the screen protector on they're like i don't want people to see my work and you're like you're working for me i should be able to look over your shoulder red seven and a black black eight.

Yeah.

All right.

Let's see.

I'm really impressed at how much work you do.

No,

I'm excited to.

Do you have a dog?

No.

You ran out of stuff to research.

Do you like music?

I do love music.

What's your favorite band?

My favorite band?

Yeah.

Right now,

Mozart.

No, you know, it's, it's, I don't have a favorite band.

You know, I grew up loving, you know, old school music, like, you know, Clapton and the Stones and Beatles, James Taylor.

Oh, yeah.

You know, but now it's, um, I was on a, I was on an Ed Sheeran role for a little bit there.

He's sued for $100 million.

He did?

For what?

For copyright infringement.

Didn't he go through that once before?

Maybe I saw an old news clip.

My bad.

You've been spreading that around, though, right?

Yeah, a lot.

That and Sam Cook was shot while

that's one I kept putting out there and it was like and someone's like you know that's not real right and I went no I didn't know that

what were your I I

wrote Vietnam and I don't know why

I um I led a platoon in Vietnam for 30 years and no kidding uh Vietnam no I don't oh I was um I was at the tail end of Vietnam the the draft were you nervous were you nervous I was kind of nervous because they posted the the numbers in our college and um and I looked I was number 67 but it was at the end of the war anyway.

They weren't like,

I was near the end of everything then.

It would have been nice to go in and just hit dingers, like be a second string, just when they got their second string in.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I get what you're saying.

It's like they have to the Super Bowl where they start putting the

soldiers that aren't as good as just to go over there and take a knee and let the fuck run out.

But

it was the same with Woodstock.

I was not quite old enough to go to war.

I was like 16 or so.

So I just, I was like right in the middle of everything.

You know, not quite old enough, not quite young enough.

Yeah, you're younger than, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is interesting.

You're, you're old enough.

You're the disco generation.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I used to do open mic night comedy on a disco.

Really?

Yeah.

On La Sieneka.

And it was called The Cave or something.

Well, I got to tell everyone, this book, you drew all the pictures in this.

Yeah.

And it's really impressive.

You're a really good artist.

Thank you.

You're a really good artist.

I like doing it.

I've been drawing for most of my life, but they were just doodles and nothing really focused and no lessons.

And then I just during the pandemic, I thought, I'm going to start doing this.

And these are all, what I think is cool about this book, these are all your interactions with the people you've doodled.

And there's like Freddie Mercury.

Well, I didn't, I didn't, I never met him, but it's my experiences with concerts in general.

Oh, yeah.

Prince is in here.

Prince I met.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's a lot of people.

Dana's in there.

Lauren Michael's in there.

Christopher Walken, he does not like his.

Really?

Yeah.

If you find it.

Was it about that night on the boat with Natalie Wood?

No.

Let me see if I can find it.

No.

It was.

I like this Howard Stern one.

Howard Stern.

There you go.

Howard Stern.

But this is.

Is he

are all his interviews remote now?

Oh, Chris Murwalkin didn't like his picture.

No, he didn't like his picture.

I don't know if you can see it.

Yeah, I can see why he looked.

And that means everybody wants it.

Everybody wants the picture now.

That's a good-looking picture, though.

That's a cool picture.

Yeah, that's a fun one.

That's a fun one.

This is really

nice.

I started having gallery showings.

Some guy.

Oh, she went to one.

You did?

And Brentwood?

How was it?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

This is her book.

Well, I'll autograph if you want.

Peyton and Eli Manning, Oprah.

The Peyton Manning Brothers.

Oh, that's not Oprah.

That's Tiffany Haddish.

Tiffany Haddish.

Burke Wayne.

That was Competty.

Gary Shanley.

Gary Shanley.

Pointer Sisters.

I was going to say say Destiny's Child.

You're going to say Dixie Shicks.

Dixie Shix.

Elvis.

John Travolta.

My dad, Billie Eyelash, I like her.

Oh, yeah.

My dad referenced John Travolta the other day.

He goes, you know, the guy from Welcome Back Cotter?

I go, Dad, I do because I know you, but that is a.

Yeah.

There they are.

There you go.

Chris Farley came out pretty well.

Yeah.

That's one dude I wish I had met.

I would have loved to meet him.

Yeah, he was something.

Talk about not saying no.

Poof.

Yeah.

Well, Kevin, this has been a blast.

Thank you so much.

And then

Inhabitance comes out February 14th.

Come see me in the good light is a documentary at One Best Film at Sundance.

Everyone's talking about it.

Check out both of those.

And

hiking with Kevin.

And then hiking with Kevin, I'd love to do it sometime.

Oh, man, I would love to have you.

I know you're busy, but sometime.

The one you did with Spade was like the one that was like, I was like,

what's cool about you guys is you guys all have such a shorthand with each other.

Yeah.

And you guys all have have such shared personalities where you joke so quickly.

You and Conan are like so good together.

You and everyone.

I mean, there's a testament to the man you are and the way we all look up to you and the way we admire you is your friend group is the best friend group in comedy.

It's the best.

It's Sandler.

It was Norm.

It was Shanling.

It's David.

It's Sarah, Dana.

I mean, your friend group is so thick.

I love comedians.

You know, we feel so comfortable together.

And it's nice to get to know you, too.

I've seen you around a long time, but I never really got the opportunity to.

I had the opportunity, but I chose not to take it.

But no, it's been nice hanging out.

I think we could hang out a lot

if you weren't so busy and desperate for attention.

That was a great episode.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes top of swap, the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.