Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

Cheers.

What's up, everybody?

This is AI Tom.

This episode was recorded before they identified the goofball who shot the United Healthcare CEO.

Stay proud, stay black.

Bert is fat.

Welcome to another episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave.

My regular co-host is actually speaking at a Nazi rally in Ohio.

And sitting in for him is the great Matt McCusker, everybody.

Let him hear it.

Before I forget, you can get tickets to see Matt at mattmcusker.com.

He's on the road.

And of course, you can listen to Matt and Shane's secret podcast wherever podcasts are available.

Never gets old saying that, does it?

Right.

Wherever they're available.

Wherever they're available.

Anywhere.

Anywhere.

So many places.

Go to my computer and access the files themselves.

You can get the original MP3s from that.

And you guys are huge Patreon guys, too.

Yeah, big Patreon guys.

You're you're business savvies?

I think so.

I think we're pretty savvy.

I think you are, too.

That's what I always tell myself, man.

Whenever I get too spun out about all the personality bullshit, I always just say, look, I'm a small business owner.

What do you want from me?

I'm just running a small business, dude.

I've told so many people that I think.

all of us, if you do stand-up, whether you see it this way or not, it doesn't matter.

It's objectively true.

You're an entrepreneur.

Like your business is what you, your comedy and how you present it and everything, but you're a business owner.

Yeah.

You know, that's, I feel like it takes the heat off.

Otherwise, you're, you become the commodity.

And if people don't, yeah, that's where it gets personal.

Like, this sucks.

You're like, well, it's me, I'm the product.

And I don't really appreciate you saying that very much.

This reminds me of when I shaved my face a few weeks ago, and everyone was like, I hate your face.

I go, this is my face, bro.

This is like, it's my face.

It's not a turkey sandwich.

This is my face.

And people were, this guy came up to me at a bar and he goes, fucking, it's good the beard's back.

and i go yeah and he goes yeah that was bad and i go it wasn't that bad and he goes he goes nah it was bad and i go what the man why are you doing this to me and he's like it looks really i got i go my face my face looks so bad he was like yeah dude that sucked you look terrible i was like what the fuck i had to shave for the show you know you know about the show holy yeah oh my god dude dude you look like a totally different guy i know you know i did i i

I didn't see that.

You're like the guy who shot the United Healthcare CEO.

Are you sure you didn't do it?

That was last week.

We gotta forgot our guy.

Dude.

It is kind of similar.

Did you inscribe?

You know, he inscribed the bullets.

Yeah, deny.

Yeah.

And delay.

Yeah, delight and depose or something.

Can I tell you that?

What the fuck, dude?

I think you killed that guy.

I know.

There I am.

Oh, dude.

Do you know that

NYPD released that, those images a couple of days ago?

And I'm just on my phone and I see them.

Yeah.

And, you know, sometimes you just get the, like, you don't, people think you like really, I'm just like, whatever.

I put him in my stories, those photos, and I just put wanted, right?

You were just ringing the alarm bell.

I was just like, this, it's like, this guy's wanted.

You put up a wanted poster.

Yeah, I put a wanted poster in my stories.

Can I tell you though?

That's pretty cool.

What was crazy?

Because I was just like, it was breaking news.

And I was like, he's wanted.

So many people replied, like, nah.

That's okay.

Like, I'm not turning him in.

Oh, I know.

And I'm like, yeah, he fucking killed somebody on the sidewalk.

And they're like, nah.

Should have offered a bounty for him.

It's fucking really crazy.

The way that this murder is, people are going like, well, people are pumped.

Yeah, it's really crazy.

I was literally, i was just reading about the fact that like people are celebrating the fact that this guy just got shot in his front door yeah they're like good good good really insane yeah and i know that like that business is really brutal and and that company in particular has like a horrible reputation they do yeah but to just be like good To the to the guy dying on the sidewalk.

Yeah, it's like when old senators die and they're like, fuck you, go to hell, you piece of shit.

And you're like, all right, that's a little much.

this guy, yeah, that does suck, man.

It's like, he was just checking his sales force early in the morning and just got.

He's going into the meeting, like the big quarterly returns meeting or whatever it is.

Although

the thing is,

well, I have two questions.

Well, first is an observation.

It's like, if you get, like, if your mother just dies of cancer and like you kept getting like your paperwork blocked, it's like, I get that would fill you with a murderous rage.

Yeah.

But, yeah, you're not allowed to go and shoot the guy.

Well, yeah.

That's the rules.

this is the civilized

yeah true i mean

well here's the thing if they let if they let like 10 000 just of like loved ones slowly die in a bed that's the argument it's like is it worse to like quietly if you turn people into like paperwork that's what they're they're saying how many deaths is this guy responsible for right and so like you can live in that but then if here's the thing if he wasn't responsible for all those deaths he wouldn't be the ceo so yeah he's good at his job he's good at it he's so good he's really good at it.

People are talking about, because I think

we're going to learn who this guy is eventually.

I'll just be clear.

It's not me.

True.

He's still at large.

But the thing is,

it's going to be a...

He's smiling right now.

He's got a nice smile.

He does, actually.

Look at that.

That's a nice smile.

You know, he got Starbucks right before, too.

And he rode a bike out of there.

Shit.

Shit.

What about your family?

That might be a suspect right now, too.

We don't see a hut hood on you.

You got a nice smile.

Yeah, he had Starbucks right before, man.

But I think this story is going to be this obvious, like, especially with those inscriptions on the bullet casings, you know?

Yeah, I know.

That, like, it's going to be some payback, like, revenge type thing.

For sure.

But, which, because everyone's like, this guy's a professional, you know, like, hitman.

You're like, I don't, like, to do that.

But the thing that makes it seem professional is that his gun jams more than once when you see the unedited for.

Really?

Yeah, and he doesn't panic at all.

He's just like,

like,

you know, pulls the slide back.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

Because most people, if you're like, I'm going to do this thing, and your gun jams, they fucking freak out.

Yeah.

People freak out all the time when they go, this is how I would handle a home invasion.

You're like, okay.

And then it really happens and they fucking lose their mind.

Dude, you freeze.

You're done.

But somebody who's just like composed in that, that does make you go, this feels a lot more.

And he inscribed the bullets.

I just learned that like moments ago.

I didn't know he inscribed.

Yeah, yeah.

Kind of a drama.

It's a drama queen move.

It's a total drama queen.

And it's a message, right?

It's a big message.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Although it's like, you know, this is the worst part: this is the only thing that can possibly make them kind of be a little more lenient with their.

Well, the thing is, you know, whenever there's an act of terror, people go, like,

you know, this is not the way to do this.

But the reason that people commit acts of terror is to get you to discuss and like make their point bigger, right?

yeah and it's like since this guy has done this everybody is talking about united health care's policies like no it actually was i mean the effective move yeah that's why they put you in guantanimo bay for it it works very well it works yeah it's very effective there was some guy wrote a book claiming that like all throughout history the only time there's been like meaningful wealth transfers have been like after disasters like huge wars natural disasters or like kind of coups yeah so he's like yeah i mean it's it's a shame it still is bad.

It's like you're going down, you know.

Well, some of them make you, I mean, like McVay, right, blew up the Oklahoma City and killed all these people.

He's like, well, yeah, I mean, it was for a bigger purpose.

What was his, what was his big thing?

What was it?

It was about like

government.

What was Mc Type in what his motive was?

Because I think it was.

Yeah, it was for handling Ruby Ridge and sitting in the middle of the day.

Oh, that's what it was.

So federal government.

Right, but that didn't affect that.

That doesn't change.

No one goes like, you're right.

Yeah.

Because

you blew up this building.

Or was this bomb too small?

I don't know.

It was pretty effective.

It was a pretty big bomb.

It was a pretty big bomb.

Yeah, true.

That didn't really do anything.

And also that the government's too, it's too big and it's too nebulous of like a target, but like hitting a healthcare.

That's like, you know, if you blew up a meter-made, people would be like, well,

I don't want to get tickets.

I know.

So, yeah, he had a guy had like a.

And

the city would be like, all right, these tickets are aggressive.

See true.

All right,

we'll give you 14 days before you double it.

We're sorry about that.

Austin's pretty good about the tickets.

Philly's like ruthless.

Yeah.

They give you, I think they give you like, I forget what it was.

It was like 10 days and then they double it.

And if you have more than two outstanding tickets, you're automatically on the boot list.

And they come take your car.

Really?

I've gotten, I had two of my cars taken from.

Boston's like that.

Boston's aggressive with the tickets.

Very aggressive.

I owe the Philadelphia Parking Authority still, like, I think now they want, I think it's like $5,000 or $7,000.

i love that show so much the reality it's so good

yeah i talked to the one lady the one time it can stay on a marathon and i'll keep i'll just it's good man i went down there once they took a i think they took a ford contour off me and that you have to when you you can go to your car to get your belongings out of your car So I went to get my belongings.

You have to write a piece of, on a piece of paper what they took from you and what you're or what's in your car that you're reclaiming.

And I wrote a giant dildo and you have to hand it to the person at the counter and they have to like bring it to someone in the back and get an approved.

It's really funny.

Did you have a giant dildo?

No, I didn't have a giant dildo.

I actually had a, I had like a blunt that fell out like behind the scenes.

Did you ask for that?

I wanted to go get that.

And like, I had some other stuff, too, that I wanted, but I was after that blunt.

But I did put Giant Dildo, and they were kind of laughing.

Oh, that's good.

It's good that they have a sense of humor.

They did.

It seems like they do on the show.

Yeah, I mean,

they kind of get broken down.

You have people say, I've said the meanest shit to those people, and they would give it back to me.

But they were like, there was this one lady the one time, she gave me a ticket and i was like come on man like this bullshit

and i was like fuck you i hope you die and she was like she's like i hope your mother gets cancer that's what she said to me back the meter maid yes she goes i hope you're i was like i hope you die and she goes i hope your mother gets cancer and i was like if you were my mom i would she said something like would you say that to me if i was my mom and i was like if you were my mom i'd fucking kill myself and she was like i hope you get hope your mother gets cancer and we just had this exchange and i was like yeah whatever that's awesome both got it out of our system i was kind of by the end of it i was kind of laughing she got like so ruthless and i was like that's kind of funny That's pretty funny.

This show is sponsored by Avocado Green Mattress.

Sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest impact.

A better pillow can transform your sleep, your mornings, and how you feel all day.

Not sure which pillow is right for you?

Take Avocado's Pillow Finder quiz to find the perfect pillow based on your sleep style, firmness, preference, and comfort needs.

Their pillows include Avocado Green Pillow, Adjustable Fill made from certified organic latex and Kpoc for customizable support.

Also available in an ergonomically curved side sleeper design.

Down pillow, made with ethically sourced, responsible down, offering a naturally cooling, ultra lofty feel.

Available in three comfort options: soft, medium, and firm.

Pure tele

luxury pillow, crafted for incredible buoyancy and consistent support.

No fluffing required.

Also offered in three comfort options: soft, medium, and firm.

Every avocado pillow is carefully constructed with premium, certified organic materials and expert craftsmanship for long-lasting support and durability.

If there's one thing I believe, it's that you can never have enough pillows.

Anywhere I sleep well, I am covered in pillows.

Like a sultan in his harem, I want pillows touching every part of my body.

And if you're like me, you need to head to avocadogreenmattress.com today and save 10% on avocado's entire line of pillows during their Labor Day sale.

Avocado, dream.

This episode is brought to you by Wayfair.

Podcasts follow us everywhere.

Whether you're cooking in the kitchen, chilling in the living room, or pretending to fold laundry in the bedroom.

And with Wayfair, every one of those rooms can tell a story of its own.

Their curated collections of furniture styles and prices make Wayfair the trusted destination to turn your home into your happy place.

Shop everything home at Wayfair.com with free and easy delivery straight to your door.

Wayfair, Everystyle, Every Home.

Tires matter.

They're the only part of your vehicle that touches the road.

Tread confidently with new tires from Tire Rack.

Whether you're looking for expert recommendations or know exactly what you want, Tire Rack makes it easy.

Fast, free shipping, free road hazard protection, convenient installation options, and the best selection of Michelin tires.

Go to tirerack.com to see their Michelin test results, tire ratings and reviews and be sure to check out all the special offers tire rack.com the way tire buying should be i mean that's also like a great kind of uh advertisement for philly yeah yeah you know it kind of summarizes the city yeah it does people are very people are very on edge man i didn't realize it till i was here for like six months i went to baltimore to do a show and i got off the plane i i'm not lying like i got off and i just like looked at people's faces when i came into the terminal and like every I was like, did people just get in an argument here?

And I was like, I thought they were, it was like post-fight energy.

And I came in.

I'm like, oh, yeah, this is just, people are just

sour pussing all the time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think some of that is like, I mean, there's a culture to a city.

I can't say it.

I think weather is underrated.

I think weather affects the shit out of people.

Yeah.

Being in cold.

And then like the hustle of a northeastern big city is just a different thing.

Yeah.

You know, like

shoulder to shoulder, you know, like on the streets and like it's, there's slush and shit on the ground.

And yeah, true.

People are just fighting for position more.

They're jockeying for position.

Yeah, you have after like 10 of those interactions a day of like you and another person walking in the same trajectory and like either giving or being like, I'm not fucking moving.

That does do something to your psychiatrist.

I don't do that.

I don't have to deal with that like at all.

I don't, there's never anyone on the sidewalk.

Yeah.

And there's shit too.

Like, I just think of like entering build, like holding a door.

opening a door and then in you're in some Philly or Baltimore and someone's like, hold the fucking door man you know like that kind of like like that doesn't really happen here you know like that's just like a very regional thing yeah true new york has that too depending on the neighborhood yeah it's aggressive it is it is it is unnecessarily i think it's unnecessarily because i always whenever i go to new york i try to be like very very nice and try to like break the mold and it's just i've made no progress but i feel like So many New Yorkers are actually so nice.

You can just get into pockets where it's the opposite.

Yeah, I feel like they're nice if you talk to them, but if you ever ask someone for directions in New York, they look at you like

it's dude.

What the fuck?

I know, and then like I was in Tokyo.

How was that?

It was amazing.

It was one of the things that's what I've heard.

I heard it's awesome.

Best food I've ever had in my life, hands down.

Everything was everything.

What?

Tomatoes, lettuce, crab, meat.

Everything was the best I've ever had.

Fruit, everything was the best I've ever had.

That's crazy.

It was so, it was so fucking good.

And a couple times I stop random people looking for places and they stop whatever they're doing to help you.

What?

Yeah.

All of them.

Are they a big producer of produce and stuff?

I didn't think they, it's just an island.

I didn't think they had a lot of room to grow.

It's just that they are perfectionists.

And so

everything they do, it's like, you know, you find the places like the coffee place is like, this guy has been working on how to make the perfect cup of coffee for 50 years and he does nothing else.

Yeah, yeah.

Also, people take great pride in

jobs that are seemingly mundane.

Like the cashier is like proud to be the cashier.

You know, things like that, where you're like, it's just like this system of

excellence.

So, I mean, I'm telling you, like, the first salad we had, we were all like, what the fuck?

Really?

Or, like, even, so

it's known that you can obviously get like kobe beef and wagyu as like, you know, Japanese like specialties.

But, like, so I had a chef, my chef friend was with me, Philip Lee, and he was like, you know, in the States, most of the time, if you're at a hotel, the idea is if you want to get a good meal, leave the hotel.

Like it's going to be a lower quality meal at the hotel.

But in Japan, hotels have some of the best food.

Really?

So we were in the lobby of our hotel, like the place you're like, I just want to get something to eat.

And I had a sirloin.

And I'm telling you, we took a bite, and I was like, this is a top three steak of my entire life.

It was like, yeah, it was all like that.

Everything that we ate there was like that.

Yeah, we could import some of that here, whatever that is going on, whatever's going on inside people in Japan, we need to take that here.

And a funny thing about import is that we obviously want to have sushi.

So the way that sushi works is that there's a fish market, right?

And they

bring out like this is the top tier, let's say, tuna, right?

And then people can bid on it.

And then it it goes in quality, like quality kind of spectrum, right?

So like the highest, highest quality stuff will go to like these restaurants, sushi places that demand that and command it.

And then it works its way on down.

Okay, the highest quality sushi that you can buy from Japan in the United States is too low for them to serve in Japan.

What?

So like

when you're here and they go like, this is the best flown in today from Japan, Japan's like, yeah, you can keep that shit.

That's the worst.

Yeah, we don't want it.

That's so funny.

So that's like the difference of

like

crazy because I've been to those sushi places and I'm like, you can't get any better.

Exactly.

It's so good.

Yeah, that's, and that's like, and it is good.

We eat it here and it's good.

But over there, they're like, this is a whole, there's a whole other level.

You don't have to get the shit out of it.

You don't know about.

Jesus Christ, that's crazy.

And then it's on an airplane.

It's flown.

Yeah, I thought maybe like, I was like, maybe this stuff's just better because it's not being like thrown around in boxes.

Everyone's handling it.

Like every tomato is handled very delicately.

You watch somebody make an omelette there and it's just like performing surgery.

And they're just like, here you go.

Yeah, that's that documentary, Jiro Dreams of Sushi.

Yeah, it's very similar.

That was really cool to watch.

Yeah.

It's like, my problem is like, why can't we get into making omelets and stuff?

What's in our brains that doesn't allow us to make a salad and just be totally into it and like take pride in it?

I don't know.

I think that it really is like a, it probably starts, it starts at home.

It's a cultural thing, right?

Of like, yeah, there's, I mean, let's just say it, Asian excellence.

They're just fucking better.

They're just, they are, dude.

They're just better, dude.

They are.

I want to, I want to try to figure out what is.

I'm not saying all of them.

True.

Yeah.

True.

I don't want to start a stereotype, but

yeah, it is.

It is kind of like, it's like, that would be nice to get into that, just like start just taking pride in stuff you're doing.

Cause I've, I like, try to make a cheese plate.

We like people at our house recently.

Yeah.

Started chopping up some cheese.

I'm like, I'm going to make a nice cheese plate and i got like

like within two minutes i was like fuck this i put a knife in the block of cheese and crackers and i was like i'm not doing

up

right away yeah although you know what i have been doing i've been skateboarding lately you've been skateboarding yeah i've been and i not like anything crazy we have like you know what did you skateboard in your when i was little yeah when i was younger i did but um i i i underestimated or i overestimated how much of my skills i would have retained dude it was wobbly i just started like three weeks ago how what age range were you skateboarding in uh probably like seventh, it would have been like seventh, eighth, ninth grade.

And then done?

Done, yeah.

Oh, okay.

But every now and again, I would still pop on a skateboard here and there.

But I went to a skate park, like, I'll be all right.

It was, it's really hard, but I, I have this little, it's a, it's called a pump track.

You know what, you know what that is?

It's like a wavy little thing.

So I've just been doing that.

And it's like, I had my Apple Watch on.

I don't wear my Apple Watch anymore because it's, my wearables have let me down.

Apparently I'm pre-diabetic.

I didn't know that.

But yeah, dude, they're telling me my biological age was like seven years younger.

Really?

Or my, whatever it is.

Yeah, they're like, dude, you're, you're like physically, you're like a fucking 29-year-old.

And I was like, sweet.

I went to the doctor, like, dude, you're pre-diabetic.

What are you doing?

I was like, really?

Yeah.

Wait, is your sugar consumption really high?

I didn't think it was that bad, but like, I, apparently, I was eating a ton of rice.

I was eating, like, I don't eat gluten, so I was eating like white rice, you know, potatoes.

So I would eat like mountains of that.

No, mountains of it is different than having to eat.

I eat a lot.

I need to go to Japan.

I need someone to show me how to eat.

But, um, and my dad is type too.

So I, you know, it's pretty much his fault.

Epigenetic, I think I got like an epigenetic transfer.

But you can get, like, has he, has he tried to, like, get out of it, you know what I mean?

Like, you can change your lifestyle.

I will.

He won't.

He will.

He just takes.

He did.

Actually,

I shouldn't put smud on his name.

He, he still does eat like a giant bowl of ice cream every Sunday.

Okay.

Not the best, but he does, he'll take like the medicine for it, the pill.

And he has cut down a lot of, on a lot of stuff.

Yeah, because I know a couple guys that have been type two diabetic.

Reversed it.

And reversed it.

Yeah, that's my plan.

I want to reverse changes.

I want to reverse my my pre-diabetes.

But they also, the two guys I'm thinking of, look nothing like they did because they made dramatic changes.

Yeah.

So I thought I was pretty healthy.

I like healthy.

Yeah.

That's what I thought, man.

And then, like, but I guess I, I don't know, because I was like, yeah, maybe, I was like, I did eat a pancake the day of the blood test.

They're like, dude, that has nothing to do with it.

I was like, fuck.

Oh, wait, on the day of the test?

I didn't know you were supposed to fast.

I forgot I had the test.

But you got a, that gave you a crazy glucose spike, for sure.

I thought so, but they were like, nah, this

A1C studies your hemoglobin.

Apparently, your blood cells last for three months in your body and then they die and new ones come.

So I guess they like somehow can tell the age of each blood cell and see how much glucose is attached to each blood cell.

Yeah.

And the A1C is like a rendering or a measure, like a measure of how much glucose is like covering all of your blood cells.

Huh.

They just get sugar.

They turn into like sour patch kids inside your body.

Yeah.

They get sugary.

Yeah.

And they just are like, yeah, your blood cells are covered in sugar.

So so that's my understanding of it i don't know so you just got but you are you're already making the big one i want like my wife's pissed i'm like going like full psycho now it's just like i i don't i haven't eaten carbs in like a week cool barely any barely any that's good so now she'll make stuff everything she makes me i'm like what are you trying to fucking kill me do you can you still eat meat though do you like meat yeah i eat a ton of meat i just eat meat and veggies like you're gonna be fine yeah skateboard meat and veggies yeah but the pump track that is my only zen like moment now where i just like when you're like really do you wear protective gear at all no none whatsoever.

Yeah, none whatsoever.

I can't, I can't do it.

I still have like that seventh grader just because you're like, That's gay.

Yes, exactly, exactly.

Like a helmet's someone asked me, like, you wear a helmet, right?

And I was like, I am sorry, I can't.

I'd rather die.

I'd rather hit my head and die than wear it, be seen wearing a helmet.

I mean, hold on, dude.

Hey, man, that's I was with Tony Hawk.

Yeah, and he wears that helmet, knee pads, and elbow pads.

That's Tony Hawk.

He's a bitch.

No, he's not.

You're basking on a beach in the Bahamas.

Now you're journeying through the jade forests of Japan.

Now you're there for your alma mater's epic win.

And now you're awake.

Womp, womp.

Which means it was all a dream.

But with millions of incredible deals on Priceline, those travel dreams can be a reality.

Download the Priceline app today and you can save up to 60% off hotels and up to 50% off lights.

So don't just dream about that trip.

Book it with Priceline.

Discover Ralph's Club New York, the new fragrance by Ralph Lauren.

With black currant, vanilla, and sandalwood, this scent embodies the sensuality and confidence of Usher.

Like the city that never sleeps, this masculine fragrance lasts for 12 hours.

Ralph's Club New York, Ralph Lauren.

Shop now at Macy's.com.

Oh, he needs one.

He's look.

He's doing fucking like loops and shit.

I'm just doing the pump track.

Okay.

I'm just doing the pump track.

He, you know, again, if he wants to, you know, dress like that, that's his business.

Dress like that.

Dress like that.

It's It's an outfit.

He's doing like 40-foot.

Look, some guys are really doing crazy shit, dude.

He doesn't love skateboarding as much as I do.

That's the problem.

He's out here.

He's just fucking dilettante.

He's fucking around.

He is.

He's pussyfooting around.

Yeah, okay.

No, that makes sense.

No, I saw his documentary.

Did you watch that?

I did not see it.

No.

He has gotten more.

I didn't know he got that fucked up.

He's gotten like 90 concussions.

I didn't have this appreciation, though, for, because I think as a kid, when you see

greatness in different sports, you're like, that guy's just really good.

That's right.

Like Michael Jordan, you're like, he's just really good.

And it takes becoming an adult, seeing some stuff, talking to some people, and then you realize, oh, this guy is a psycho.

Like he's out of his fucking mind.

And I didn't realize that, like, when I, when Tony came here and he was talking about how like his femur broke.

Yeah.

And this doctor was like, well, you, you know, you're, you're not going to be able to do what you did.

He's like, I just went to another doctor.

And that doctor was like, well, we could do this thing and like reset it differently.

So I had another surgery to reset it.

And then I got on a board and then I was like, huh?

Like, you're crazy, bro.

He's out of his mind.

He is a psycho.

He's a competitive psycho.

Lance Armstrong, psycho.

Michael, psycho.

They're fucking crazy people.

I do like how Jordan's psychoness just transferred to like sports gambling once he got done.

Yeah.

I kind of like that about that.

Well, they also, the gambling ones are also,

it's the same thing about winning.

It's just about winning.

It's like taking, and then the rush of like, I won this thing.

I want it.

Again, yeah.

Yeah.

So it's like, because Dana White is like that, you know, like, and, and I asked him that because he's famously gambles crazy amounts of money.

And he does it like daily.

And I was like, yeah, but this is because you're addicted to like big wins.

And he was like, yeah, 100%.

Yeah, I've also heard compulsive gambling is more about the flow state.

It's like the winning and losing almost becomes irrelevant.

You just like being in that kind of like, everything just falls away.

You're just on the table and it's just like, you're up, you're down, you're up, you're down.

It kind of keeps you in this like, almost like flow state.

He goes, but Dana goes in, he goes, I'll play three hands and leave.

So he'll win.

He's, he wants to win.

He wants.

He wants to win.

I like that.

So he goes in, he bets huge.

Yeah.

350,000, 400,000 a hand.

And he's like, if I win two or three, he's like, I'm out of there.

That's impressive.

Yeah.

And then it's just like,

goes home.

Like, yeah, just, just walked out with, you know, 1.2 and now I'm like feeling good.

And then tomorrow I'm going to do it again.

God, are they going to, they're going to ban him eventually.

If he keeps winning, they're going to ban him.

There's a few casinos that don't want him to come in.

Really?

Like six.

Yeah.

So he's, he stays to like a couple.

Damn, that's kind of bullshit.

I don't, that's kind of bullshit how they do that.

If you actually play.

The other thing that's crazy, because I gamble sometimes on a much smaller scale, is like, you know, you can go like $3,000 and they go, boop.

And then when you win.

And you're like, oh, I got $3,000 in chips.

They're like, hold on.

Phone calls.

Let me see your ID.

And you're standing there in line to get your cash.

I'm saying, you know, like

Hey, where did you win this?

I'm like, at the table.

They're like, which table?

I'm like, I don't know the number of the table.

And then like, call somebody else.

Hold on, let me see your ID.

We need to scan it, enter your thing.

What's your social?

And you're like.

This is pretty cool that like I can give you the money and it's like no problem.

Yeah.

But this whole process of getting it back.

I mean that's kind of weird.

Well, you know what

a lot of people use casinos as like money laundering centers.

So maybe they figure we can kind of scare some of those guys and keep their money.

But I feel like that's got to be like the big dogs, dude.

Like Macau is famous for that.

That's the money laundering capital of the world.

Is it really?

Yeah.

Some people do it.

You get like hippies.

You get like some like evil hippies in there like selling ketamine.

They'll take like five grand because they have to mail it.

If you have a bunch of small bills, you want to turn it into big bills so you can mail it easier.

So they'll take it in, like play a little bit and cash out.

And so maybe they can think in their goal, we'll scare these guys and keep their

that's what they would do.

They would take like five grand of small bills, change it to big bills and be like all right we're out of here and then oh okay so if you started pressuring them like let me see your let me see your uh tax return man you'd be like just take a look yeah just freak you out a little bit yeah so you that's bullshit though man that would piss me off it's really annoying you don't do it you don't gamble at all i i used to here and there i like didn't gamble i did it my first time in vegas when i was like 21 and i just won blackjack i won it craps i won like 600 in craps yeah i won like i won like it's exciting yeah it's very exciting but when i I lose, I get filled with such a disgusting, bitter feeling that it's just like, I don't like doing it.

So people have different thresholds for it.

And I was like, I was at a blackjack table with these NFL guys.

And

like the way that some of them were betting, it was like, it was making my eyes water.

And I was like,

you're just getting horny.

I was fucked.

I was getting like the,

because I always feel like you have to like work up the courage to increase, you know?

So like if you're like, I bet 100 and then you get on a little roll or you feel prepped, you go, all right, I'm going to do 500 or a thousand.

And you're like, oh man.

And these dudes were doing like 10, 20 grand.

I was like, God damn.

That's the only way that for me, it was fun to gamble back when I was 21 because I literally had zero, I had no money.

Yeah.

And then so like everything's a rush.

That $500 was all, that was like my whole fucking week of work.

So I was like, oh, fuck.

Now it's like, dude, I'm the idea of like giving a a sizable enough portion to like be like financially, that's the only thing that makes it exciting.

If it's like, if it can like wipe you out or do you like serious damage.

Yeah.

Because if you, if it, like.

It's got to do something.

Because I heard it.

There is a thing where you're like, hey, you won, and the amount does nothing to the heart rate.

So I'm saying that.

And you're like, well, this is nothing.

I used to play when I lived, it was me, Shane, and like, we all, it was me and a bunch of our friends.

We're all at comics.

None of us had like any, no one had any money at all, but I was like selling a little bit of weed, so I had more than them.

So we would do poker and and they'd be like $5 buy-ins.

And I'd be like, this sucks.

Cause I was like, I don't give a fuck.

Yeah.

Needs to be enough to get your hair standing up.

Yeah.

So, but then it's like, I'm not, if I lose that, I'd fucking freak out.

I know.

One time I should, it's always like you should listen and you should walk away.

Yeah.

I went to do a show in Vegas and

pre-show went to these tables and won $7,000.

And was like, I was like, I mean, glowing, right?

Just like.

and we went and did the show, and you're just like riding this dopamine drip.

And I came back and I went back to the tables and I started losing.

And like, guys with me were like, just, just, like, just leave now.

I was like, no, like a total degenerate.

Get the fuck out of here.

And I kept betting, kept betting, and I just kept losing, losing, losing.

And I lost it all.

The money that I'd won, I just lost it all.

And in comparison to like

what you're getting paid to do the show, it's not a significant amount, even though it sounds a lot.

Sure, yeah, yeah.

But you're not like, oh, this is a, you know what I mean?

Like, it doesn't really.

I couldn't go to sleep.

I went in my room and I'm staring at the ceiling and this overwhelming sadness to go.

I was depressed.

Well, you know what it is?

It's like when you win at gambling, the feeling is that like the universe is like, I like you.

Yeah.

And you're like, fuck, I knew you liked me.

Yeah.

Then when you lose.

I'm a good guy.

Yeah.

When you lose, it's like, yeah, the universe fucking hates you.

Yeah.

That's true.

Fuck.

Yeah, there is like a magic element to gambling.

That's what kind of attracts people to it.

Yeah, it's true because it's random.

And it,

and then the other thing is, um, you just realize that there's just, there really are these streaks.

Like in blackjack, you know, there's a shoe, the shoe, right?

Like the cards in there.

And you can get a good shoe and you think it's like kind of you.

Big time.

But it's just like every, you know, you win eight in a row and you're like, dude, what the fuck?

I figured it out.

And then

the next shoe, it's like eight losses in a row.

And you're like, this fucking sucks.

And you suck too to the dealer.

And like, dude, that's what happened to me.

I won the first two times.

I went like $400 and I'd just be like to the moon, like, holy fuck.

And I would like cash out, buy everybody's stuff around me.

Like, I fucking did it.

Yeah.

So then when I went again, like a year or two later, I was like, guys, check me.

I know exactly how to do this.

And I just got wiped out like instantly.

Yeah.

Like the next three times, just lost so fast, try to cash back in, lose again.

I was like, I'm not doing it.

I'm fuck.

I hate this.

Yeah.

I get, I had that feeling.

And I always think about just like a casino owner, just like my money just being like filtered onto like a gray truck just amongst stacks of cash and just trucked away.

And he's like, thanks.

Yeah.

He's just like, oh, cool.

Fuck.

I paid my cell phone bill this month on that shit.

Yeah, I don't like it, man.

I know a lot of people love to gamble.

I don't, I don't particularly.

I know.

I'm glad I don't have the

like, I enjoy it.

I've had fun.

I think it's fun when you're with friends and like having a good time, but I don't have that.

Thankfully, I don't have that thing that's like, I got it.

Yeah.

I also, I had like, I was like, I had a pretty like risky kind of like gambly life for a long time.

So I've gotten, yeah, I've gotten my thrills out for the most part.

So how was your life risky in gambly?

I used to just sell drugs.

So I was like, people go to the casino and I was like, dude, I do this every day.

Like, I could, I could be devastated every day.

What kind of drugs were you selling?

Just weed.

Yeah, mostly weed.

And then like, I tried to sell Coke.

I'm not, I wasn't cut out for that.

How, how was it?

I mean, I sold a, you know, a couple couple bags so I realized and I bought a million of them back in the day

so I went over to people's houses and watched them play video games and that's all it is sat there and yeah you play Xbox for like an hour and then you just make a thousand bucks and you're like yes yeah but it was it was like how was the coke stuff

terrible I didn't do it.

That was a thing.

So I didn't do it.

I didn't like what it did to people.

I was like 19, so I didn't really know.

But that was like when I was like, that was like genuinely scary.

Because weed is like, people are mostly cool, yeah,

um, except for a certain point.

If you get up high enough, you know, when the money gets high enough, it'll be like you deal with like real, actual criminals.

Like, you were talking about home invasions, it's like, dude, there's guys that'll do that, and it's like, it's so fucking scary, and they're so scary too.

So, you got into that level?

I've gotten my house, I was in a house, I got invaded.

I was never a home invasion kind of guy, but yeah, I got up to like, I would get like 35 pounds.

Like, that was you'd buy 35?

Yeah, I would get in front of it, but I would like, I would be, I would commanded 35 pounds.

That's a lot, bro.

I know, scary.

That's what I was saying.

I got my like.

But when that, how would that 35 get to you?

It would get dropped off at somebody else's house, and then we'd have like a storage unit, and we would just like go down.

You get to like pick between the strains.

Like, I want four blue dreams, six sour diesels.

So, was that amount split amongst a couple other people?

It was me and one other guy.

You and one other guy.

We would get like 70 dropped off, and we get to split them.

And what was your selling like?

Like, what were you,

how much were you selling at a time?

You know what I mean?

It was mostly like two.

My big people were like two to three.

Sometimes people take five pounds.

That was like my most.

I would give people like five at a time.

So they were dealers too.

I would find people and then be like, I think you get, and you kind of like slowly front them and get them a little bit more.

Then you eventually are like, I'll give you like two pounds.

It's like, just, you'll be fine.

Yeah.

And then you just kind of just, then you just start dropping it off and like collect your money.

So that's real money, though, right?

Yeah, I was, yeah, I was chilling for a while in my early 20s.

I was having a good time.

But the, uh, but yeah, then like you get robbed.

People, everyone, you're like, you know, if you think of it, like your employees, it's like the most unreliable.

Yeah.

People are getting DUIs.

It's like people couldn't just chill.

They'd be like, I got hammered.

And I started running around selling.

It's like, why did you do that?

Why?

Then they get in trouble.

People get addicted to drugs.

It's like, it's a really.

Was there a one incident thing that got you out of it or was it just a gradual thing?

Not really.

I got like robbed at gunpoint a bunch of times and I was like, I should say I got robbed at gunpoint twice, but the, I guess that's not a bunch of times.

Well, from somebody you knew probably or like it was a setup thing?

It was like someone I knew would set up with somebody who would then be like, My friend's going to come.

And then someone that person knew would just be like, I'm going to set this up like a robbery because everyone got bad on pills.

So you get people who get bad on like pills who then would be buying like heroin, who they'll, now they're introducing like heroin guys to being like, hey, I owe you money, but I know this one guy who could like, you know, who's like, I can help you rob him.

And they'd be like, yeah, let me do that.

And when you got robbed, was it for the weed or for the cash?

For the both.

For both.

Yeah, they got me for both.

Yeah, for both.

Yeah, the postal, also, like, we would mail it a lot.

So, like, the, we had the postal police take, like, I mailed like 35 grand and they just were like, yeah, that's ours.

Fuck.

I was like, fuck.

Those are huge losses, though.

I know.

I've been wiped out financially.

Like, you know, again, if I had, like, I'm like 25, 26 with like 40 grand, I'm like, this is crazy.

And just go to zero.

I've done it like two or three times.

Damn.

Yeah.

And you were, were you mailing cash because you owed it to.

Well, you would mail it to if like you could buy it once it got here, but as soon as a pound of weed comes from California, it's the driver itself, that's like 400 per pound they're tacking on and then it's going to go to a person who's going to tack three probably three to four or whatever on each one but if you can get it directly from california you can skip all that but they got to mail it to you so you open yourself up to the risk of catching a package in the mail yeah and then you got to like you know hopefully it's not being followed or whatever so but you were mailing cash out to cali yeah through my friend i would like give it to my friend he would mail it to california

so you have the zero after this it's wiped out i've done it like it oddly it becomes kind of a peaceful feeling though to get totally wiped out.

After the third time, I perversely kind of liked it.

You're like, oh, here we go.

I would just go back to painting houses and be like, damn it, right back to the salt mine.

I would just paint houses and kind of like do stand up and work my way back up.

Jesus, man.

Yeah, but eventually it just became ridiculous.

I was like, I'd have to stop.

It wasn't really the kids were the big thing.

Yeah.

Once I had kids, I was like, I can't.

This is ridiculous.

Yeah.

I'm like, if I go to jail, that'd be so sad.

Yeah, I remember a couple of friends that were selling, and it was funny because when you're in high school and getting into college, you know, you're talking about like an ounce here,

and the um, I remember how it makes sense, but you get more brazen with like the longer you're around and more comfortable.

And then one time I'm with my friend, he pulls up, and he's got just like QPs like on the seat.

And I'm like, you're just driving around like this?

It becomes so normal.

You forget the first like month, I remember like my, I think I fried my nervous system, but the first couple months, your like legs are shaking.

Anytime a cop's around you, you have like an ounce of weed.

You're like, oh,

then you get, like, you just forget it's even illegal.

You just, I would just drive around like it was like a normal job.

Yeah.

Then a cop does pull up behind you.

You're like, it's just like ice water.

Your veins just are like, oh, yeah.

And that, that's really bad for you.

And also, it's like,

it's one of those things.

It's like, it's genuinely, when people say it's bad, I was always like, it's weed.

Like, who cares?

But when you're, when you're doing that, you're essentially, you have to lie to everybody you talk to, which is not good.

It's not good.

And it, like, it's, you literally become like a liar.

Like you have to lie.

It's, it's non-stop kind of games and manipulation.

And it's like your relationships excuse them because then you're like, I don't really want to tell this person I'm with exactly what I'm doing.

And it's like, because if it goes south, they can kind of fuck.

Who knew?

Did your closest friends know?

Some, yeah, people knew, kind of, but I always would kind of like, I wouldn't really ever tell people the scale for the most part, except for a couple people.

The scale is alarming.

The scale was kind of alarming.

When you said 35, I was like, what the fuck, bro?

Yeah.

Yeah, and it was just being like a storage unit.

And then like, or like, I'd bring it to my house.

And then it's like, every time you leave your house, you're just like, somebody's definitely going and taking that from me.

So, like, it's just constant anxiety.

Yeah.

It's not worth it.

It's like, just go get a job.

It's like boredom.

It's either you're bored or you're going to be like, like, hair-raisingly anxious.

And it's like, being bored is better.

You can always just like join CrossFit and do jiu-jitsu or something.

Yeah, work it out another way.

You're just gamblers.

You know, you don't have to risk your freedom, but fuck man.

Yeah.

It was cool.

I, I, you know, I, I kind of did that from like 18 to embarrassingly not that long ago.

And now you're a successful comedian.

Yeah, thank God, man.

Otherwise, I would have been in jail.

Now you can walk around and go, man, can you believe I got this clean money?

Yeah.

True.

Thank God I got robbed so much that for real, I could just show the IRS like, bro, I'm telling you, man, there's nothing there.

Yeah.

Got robbed.

Take it up with that other guy.

But it is crazy because then people rob you and then you learn later like karma really is like it gets people like yeah I would just learn about people who robbed me and like stuff, bad stuff happens to people.

It feels like you're lucky that you learn these lessons without having to suffer the worst consequences.

For sure.

Jail.

You feel kind of bad, though, not going.

Usually there's the big redemptive arc where you're like, and then I got arrested.

And it's like when you're like, nah, I just kind of worked out.

Now I sell tickets on the road.

People don't like hearing that.

I know, I know.

It's the truth.

It's good that.

you didn't have to go through that to figure it out.

I know.

Although I do have that perverse side of me again that like, I have the jail fantasy.

Like, how would I have done in jail?

How do you think you would have done?

I think all right.

I don't know.

Again, it's one of those easy things to do.

Isn't it crazy though?

I don't know how many guys you know that have been to jail.

How I know a handful that are like, yeah, man, it's actually pretty cool.

And you're like, what?

And they're like, they tell you like good stories and they're like, damn, I got a good friend.

It was some wild shit, but you know, we had fun.

Yeah.

Like, okay.

It's got to be kind of fun, but I do think it is pretty depressing.

Yeah.

My friend was there a bunch of times and he he was like yeah you know there's parts of it that were fun but he's like mostly it was horrible and i'm i'm never i'm never going back there i don't think anyone wants to go back the food man that's like i that's the one thing like i'm such a like dude i can't eat i wonder how it would affect your pre-diabetic

it'd be tough

i'd have to probably go for like

maybe the jew i don't know jewish diet or muslim diet they like that's like they're like a coveted diet so you can get there really so i have to convert yeah i have to convert to probably you have to convert first i think so you got to pass a test if you want the diet in jail you have to like exhibit knowledge of the diet.

You have to, like, it's like a citizenship test.

Wow.

Yeah.

So it's some studying.

You have to go in there to be like, did the Jews do 9-11?

You have to be like, no, not at all.

Like, all right, here's your fucking food.

Here's your, here's your shwarma, dude.

No, we did not.

We did not do that.

And then

you're getting the diet that you want.

And they're like, hey, how come you're not doing daily prayer, man?

It's five times a day here, pal.

You're allowed to switch it every like couple years, I think.

It's a big deal.

Like, if you can kind of get that special diet.

Like, well, well, well, well, if it isn't the old Christian Muslim Jew,

but yeah, I'm really, I'm actually, I'm very happy.

It sounds, it sounds really miserable, man.

It's like, yeah.

You seem well adjusted, man.

Yeah.

Well, I did a lot of reading.

I did have time to read.

So I kind of got to like read a lot.

And like, you know, I got to really kind of reflect.

And I also was never,

I wasn't ever violent.

That was my big thing.

I wasn't really violent.

I had like one time that I like really spazzed.

But for the most part, like, I would just kind of live and let live.

If people like.

Did you carry a gun?

No, briefly.

I had a gun in my house, but that gun scared me.

I'd look at it and be like, I'd be all high looking at a gun.

I'd be like, oh, fuck, dude.

Yeah.

But, so, no, I, I, no, and that thing, too, if you got caught with drugs and a gun, it was automatic jail.

Yeah.

So that's why I was like, I'd rather just lose the money than have a gun.

And I'm like, I'm not going to fucking shoot somebody.

Yeah.

I'm no hero.

I'm not like, you know, not like that guy

like me.

Wait, do you really think I shouldn't ever shave again?

I think it was kind of cool.

I think you should mix it up on people.

Dude, I like that.

You do, for real, look like a totally different guy.

Do you know what happened to me?

I've told this story, but I was...

So I was...

This grew back in like eight days, okay?

So jealous.

I can't get a beard.

Five days into this, so you can't really tell from this photo.

I have just like some growth.

Yeah.

And I'm at the Lakers game.

And

at the Lakers game, I see Spade and Rock.

around here.

So I go say, what's up to them?

And then it's halftime.

So you go into this like, you know, like banquet style room with food and drinks.

It's kind of loud, but we're just sitting and chatting,

you know, just catching up

eating bullshit from the thing.

And then

Sebastian walks up and he says something to them and then he turns to me and he goes, hey, Sebastian.

And I go, what?

Like, I know.

He was just here.

Like, I've known him for years.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then he turns and he sits over there.

And I was like, it's so weird.

He doesn't recognize.

It's nuts.

I don't put it together at first.

Like, like in the moment, I'm just like,

It's his problem, yeah.

Introduced himself.

So then I'm like, hey, man.

I say something to him.

He's like, I can't, I can't hear you.

He's like, not much further than you are.

Yeah.

He's like, I can't hear you.

I go, come here.

So he comes and then he just looks at me, like, you know, like, dead in the face.

And I was like, hey, man.

And I just start talking to him.

And he's just looking.

And then he goes, oh my God.

He goes, Jesus Christ.

I seen you with shaving.

What the fuck?

He goes, it freaked me out.

I fucking didn't know.

I was like, God damn it.

Because the voice would be so familiar.

Right.

What the fuck?

The other thing that you realize, too, is that the grays,

they add years naturally, right?

So you shave them off and you just look

young as hell.

You look as hell.

Yeah, I get it like a goatee.

My hair is gray and shit.

My goatee is just most like really gray.

Really gray.

I look aged.

Yeah.

When I grow my goatee out, it's like, I look old as hell.

It is cool when I tell people my age and they go, oh, I thought you were like 57.

I'm like, that's cool.

I get that a lot too now.

I'm like, that's Austin, man.

Dude, my hair, my hair and like facial hair grows in.

I look like I'm 50 years old.

Yeah.

We're like, dude, you look old as shit.

It ages you out.

People been telling me a lot.

Like, dude, I thought, like, I'll get off the stage and like say hi to people after shows.

And they're like, oh, dude, in the lights, you look like you were like 55.

You look terrible.

I'm like, thanks.

Isn't that cool?

Yeah, thanks, bro.

I appreciate that.

It's real honest.

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for coming.

Yeah, I shoot this thing next week and then start i'm gonna start having some fun i think i'm gonna do a mustache for the rest of this

mustache would be nice mustache strong you know i can see your face don't do that i saw her i can't grow a must went like this

when i was little my cousin um we were having like a battle with a kayak paddle it was like a split-in-half kayak paddle so they had like sharper edges and we were like sword fighting in a pool and uh he like accidentally slashed my lip open and like literally filleted my lip so it came like that really so i had to go to the hospital and that i was like maybe eight years old.

And the doctor was like, you know, you'll never be able to grow a mustache.

And I just cried.

That's a cool thing to tell an eight-year-old.

I was so fucked up of him.

I could have found out later.

I didn't need to know that anymore.

Yeah, he could have been like, you'll still be able to grow up mustache.

He was like, you know, you'll never be able to grow a mustache, right?

Because I do have like a big gap right here because of where.

And he was like, he hit me with that information.

I just cried.

Really important to tell an eight-year-old.

It was so fucked up.

I don't know why he had to tell me that.

Such an asshole, dude.

Yeah, it's crazy.

I'm already in shock.

Like, my face is cut open.

I have like my lip.

And then everyone thinks I had a cleft palate now.

Except I have a scar right here.

Like, oh, you had a cleft palette?

I'm like, no.

Hasn't hit me in the face with a coyote.

I feel like we judge them so hard, the cleft palate.

It's true.

Yeah.

We really do.

We're like,

should you even be here?

Yeah, that was like, that's an easy fix now, right?

The technology has improved incredibly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because that was a, that was a rough one, man.

Yeah.

You come out and it's like, you had that snarl.

Yeah.

You had that evil snarl.

The snarl that, like, it's also like fucks up the nose a little bit and speech pattern.

Everyone's like, hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're going to hold you back forever.

You're lucky they kept you.

Yeah, I don't see, you don't see it anymore.

I never see it.

They must fix that right away.

I just feel like they fix it right away.

And also the, like,

the way that they fix it is a more advanced than like when we were like in the kit.

When we were kids, you would see it and be like, oh.

Yeah.

But I think now you can deal with it yeah that's okay we had kids and our our first kid had like a cone head when they came out because she got into the birth canal but she had the umbilical cord around her neck oh my gosh so she just got her head for real it was like a pyramid no so was my my first was like that too and he had two things he had like reddish hair

which went away yeah yeah and then the other thing is Like, I don't forget, I don't remember if it was a month or two in, the top of his head, all the hair fell out, but he kept a horseshoe.

What?

So he looked 50

and it looks so weird.

And I was like, I'd be like, yeah, I don't like the way he looks.

This is my son.

This is bullshit.

I was like, what the fuck?

And then it came back.

I was like, oh, thank God.

That's so, if he just had like male pattern baldness, just his whole life.

As a baby, that would be so funny.

It's so crazy, bro.

I didn't know.

Look at this.

It says cleft palette is usually repaired with a surgical procedure called palatoplasty when a child is between six and 18 months.

Um, that'd be nice to give your baby like a strong chin, too.

Yeah,

you might as well just like fucking change his eye color and give him a strong chin.

That'd be a that'd be awesome.

They should start doing plastic surgery out of the womb just right away.

It's not a bad idea.

I know, they won't remember it.

Also, this kid's kind of fat.

Like,

let's thin him out a little bit.

Kids' dick's kind of small.

Let's give him a penis enlargement.

Do you have boys at all?

Just girls, yeah.

Yeah, two boys.

Boy, it's funny because when you when you see a boy from birth develop, you just realize, oh no,

we're obsessed with our penises our whole lives.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they're always just like, look at my penis.

And like, just grabbing it.

And just, and you're like, don't, but do that in your room.

Yeah, don't do that.

I was, my fear of having a son was that the nurses were going to peep my newborn son setup and then do some sort of math to like be able to scope my flaccid setup out and be like, oh,

you know what I mean?

Do you think there has to be some sort of scale?

They have have to like, they see so many dick scales, brand new penises every year that they must be able to, from the sun, look at the father.

Because I've also had, like,

I thought, I would think so, but then I've had, like, I remember a friend who's like,

you know, the mom, I don't know, it's all weird, but it said something like when, like, oh, I guess that didn't pass, that gene didn't pass down.

Like, in other words, like, the dad has a hog,

but the kids just has a normal one.

The mom's side.

There's a small dick on the mom's side, blocking the bees.

Yeah, it'd be crazy to inherit a big dick from your mom's side.

That would be that'd be kind of nuts.

I think that does something to a man, especially if the dad clocks it real early.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, he's like, The fuck.

I have a friend who is adopted, and he's got a massive hog.

And his younger brother, what kind of dimensions are we talking about?

Fat, dude.

Really?

Yeah, absolutely fat.

Parking.

He said it's shaped like a parking cone.

But the

his little brother one day came in in front of the dad and was like,

why is his bigger than dad's?

And it was like,

I was like, bro, you must have felt that.

You feel that for sure.

I would have been like, I would have banished him.

Yeah.

I would have put him in a basket down the Nile.

I'm like, the fuck out of here.

Get out of here.

Put your fucking nine-year-old ass out of here.

Yeah, that's rugged.

But here's the thing.

You'd have to be.

But are you proud?

You're like.

But you can instill small dick energy in a big dick energy guy, which would be kind of nice.

That would be kind of unstoppable.

Just tell him all the time, like, bro, if I had your dick, here's what I would do.

Yeah.

You tell it, you just like pump your son up.

I'm going to give you a small dick work ethic.

You're going to be completely unstoppable.

You really are.

Yeah.

You're not going to be lazy.

You're not just going to lay there.

Yeah.

You're going to be, although you kind of want big dick guys lazy.

You don't want big dick guys too active.

Yeah.

Well, being a president, that'd be, that's a disaster.

Oh, I was thinking of just like tearing pussies apart.

True.

Because I remember I worked with this guy.

He was a big fucking guy.

And

I remember I used to say shit to him, like, I'd love to see you fucking just grab a woman, you know?

And he was like, yeah.

I was like, I know you got a fucking healthy hog on you.

And he was like, I go, have you ever like

hurt a woman?

He was like, a couple times.

Damn.

And it was stitches.

They had to get stitches.

Oh.

She probably loved it.

It's terrible.

That's one of those things that the stories you do.

Then there's guys that like want to give somebody stitch.

I know.

It's kind of fucked up.

That's the, I don't think this guy was actually, I mean, you don't know it, but I don't think he was like that.

I think he was

just a huge fucking guy.

That a huge hog, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, that must be.

Do you think there was some element of him or some part of him that was kind of like

prideful?

Like, yeah.

I think part of your brain has to go like, this is what happens.

This is what happens.

No, it's not about pleasure at this point.

It's just about like just towing the pussy up.

I don't know, man.

I got this big old dick.

That's big.

This is what happens, man.

It's tough to love me.

I got this big old dick.

It's a tuna can, and it's just

stretches you out.

Yeah, I uh, but that is some woman's like, there are women who will tell you, I don't want anything to do with that, but there's still a percentage that are like, yeah, that'd be amazing.

Yeah, I need that.

I need that to feel alive.

Yeah.

Although

I've heard some say, and again, I don't know if they're just kind of hyping me up, but I've heard some women say, like, look, man, you don't need it that big.

It's kind of a

curse.

Yeah.

But

I don't agree.

agree, just showing it off would be awesome.

I think that's the part.

It's the visual, the visual of it, everybody goes, wow, when you see something big, yeah.

Another part is like living with it and having, you know, to use it.

It's a different thing.

I have talked to guys who have felt used, who have been like, dude, I feel like women just use me for my penis.

They want to actually have a relationship with me.

I'm like, oh, that sucks, dude.

Yeah.

You can't watch a lifetime.

That's what you're fucking worried about.

So you're bummed out about it.

You can't watch the real housewives, dude.

That sucks.

That's bad.

He's just using you for your perfect dick.

Yeah, I'm like, dude, I don't want to hear that shit.

Fucking I had a guy one time in an office, like third day.

We shared like an office room, and he was like, yeah, I got a nine-inch dick.

He just throws it out to me.

He just threw it out to me.

And I was like, oh, cool, man.

That's what's up.

He just threw it out to me, and it just changed our relationship forever.

Was it good?

His dick you're talking about?

No, no.

Well, like, your relationship.

It was all right.

It was okay.

But then he just like threw it.

It was like, it didn't even have a chance to, like,

to set.

He just threw that right into the mix.

That's such a weird.

Why are you doing that to me right now?

He just wanted you to go, like, I guess you'll run things around here.

I think so.

I think he was trying to establish pecking order.

He's like, you'll be my little dick minion, and I'm going to have you have you do my bidding.

So just so you know, when I say something, it goes.

Yeah, true.

I'm in charge.

I have the nine.

That's a crazy way to do it.

I think he was maybe telling a story, and he just threw it in as a detail.

And I was just kind of like, all right, dude, that's what's up.

But yeah, although I kind of did, uh, I didn't, I never, I would just leave.

You should have just turned and busted out a ruler and be like, prove it.

Yeah, bust it out right now.

Guys, all lie about

I, that's you should never lie up.

I don't know why people lie up.

It's like, lie down.

Nine is it's bigger than you think.

I would imagine, yeah.

Nine inches, bro.

Yeah.

Come on.

He was claiming.

Yeah, it's, I don't know.

That's what he claimed.

He threw it in the mix.

What was his physical description?

He just was like

about the same height as me, but he did have like slightly Cro-Magnon face that led me to believe it.

Like, he might have been giant.

You know what I'm saying?

He had a big dick face.

It was just like

deep fucking eye sockets.

You know, one of the, one of the most depressed.

One time I went in, we were doing a, it was a business thing.

Like, I was working in Post and we were going to a different facility.

And there was this chick working there who you could tell had just like hoe energy.

And she was super flirty and like inappropriate, right?

And like, just like, you know, just real fucking

kind of gutter gutter trash energy.

And so we were just, whatever, talking.

She's kind of flirty.

And then I don't know how this comes about, but she's like, yeah, I have this

ability where I can like,

I can guess your dick size exactly.

And I was like, really?

And we're in like this kind of flirtatious rhythm.

I mean, the energy is like, it's fun.

Yeah.

I'm having fun with it.

For sure.

And I was like, oh, really?

And I was like, well,

okay.

So then guess mine.

And I'm like, just like, what's this going to be?

Yeah.

And she's like, how about I draw it?

And I'm like, what?

All right.

And so she takes a piece of paper and draws and hands it to me.

And it is like a perfect oversized, just like

a porn cock.

Yeah.

And I was like,

wow, you're, you're good at this.

You nailed it.

And then I got scared.

She drew it hard or soft?

It was,

I mean, it's just like,

it was just like, I survived.

She just did like a dimension, like a hand turned.

And then I had so much fear inside of me that I used to see it.

No, that like, yeah, that I was like, I'm definitely going to not live up to what she just drew.

And like, I got to get out of here.

Like, I got to leave this building.

I was like, almost like they were like, now go into this room and show her.

And I was just like, yeah, we should definitely hang out sometime.

And I was like, I'll never.

I'll never

Let the mystery.

Your expectations are so we were when I was in seventh grade, we had like two of the hottest eighth grade girls just took it upon themselves to pressure people to see their penises.

Oh my god.

And I would be on the bus shivering with fear.

I had like four pubes.

I was like, dude, please don't look at my tiny unpube penis.

And they were like, it never got to me finally, but they did make a couple of boys show them their penises.

And we had like eighth graders checking our pubes.

They'd be like, you got pubes?

And I'd be like, you have to like pull your thing down.

Like, look at my pubes.

Dude, that's so many fucking pubes, dude.

Dude, these three dominican girls one time got me to show them my dick

dude it's crazy and it was like i was like no and they're like we never seen a white a white guy's dick before and i was like uh

and so

they

when was this it's like last week it was last week i

had a shaved face i was like no one will recognize me so damn you're a schoolboy they pressured you this was oh this is college

okay all right and they were like we never seen a white guy's dick and i was like okay and so I don't know.

I was like, I'm not doing this.

I'm not doing this.

And then, like, part of your mind is like, what if this turns into like a really cool, like, forsome?

For sure.

So, but the thing was, I would, I would like, they're like sitting on this couch.

I would go in the other room and just start fluffing.

I was like, Jesus.

Cause I, you know, and I was, I had so such anxiety that your body is like, oh, yeah.

So I'm just sitting there just, just stroking away.

Yeah, I'm like about to jizz.

And then I'm like, okay, all right, everybody, open your eyes.

Wow.

And then I remember I showed it to them and they were like, it's so white.

And I was like, yeah, I'm white.

Yeah.

They were like, I've never seen a white one.

It's so white.

And I was like, so there was more about the color than the dimensions.

Yeah, they were just like, I mean, yeah, I fluffed it hard, dude.

Really?

I mean, I was tugging.

Yeah.

And they were just kind of like, well, okay.

Like, I was like, yeah, let me go get some from the other room.

I just was like, obviously, yeah.

Yeah.

And then when it was like presentable.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's when I.

I'm like, all right, you guys can come in now.

And then I was like waiting, like, so who's going to like take it first?

And no, we just wanted to see.

Tampa.

I was like, oh.

I fluffed for the dermatologist one time.

Yeah.

I, dude, I had like a hard, I don't know what, I think it was like eczema, but I thought it was like some other type of rash.

So I had to go to the dermatologist and like, it just so happened to be there was this like really like there's this dermatologist in Philly who's just like it's it's kind of ridiculous like my friend watches yeah it's like it's it's kind of unreal and my friend was like actually doing like medical sales and he was he knew exactly who I was talking about so she was like all right I got to see it and I like I knew it was coming so I just kind of was in the waiting room trying to like, like, quietly kind of fluff myself up.

Let's go on like Instagram and try to find like ladies shaking their, like anything.

Yeah.

And as soon as I got in front of her, it was just like, just shriveled right up.

It was like a shriveled, like red, dried out penis.

And I had to be like, ugh.

I've never seen a smaller version of my dick than at the doctor's office.

It's bullshit.

Like, I've told doctors, I'm like, it really gets better.

And they're like, this is nothing.

Yeah.

That is crazy for them to see that many dicks.

That's got to kind of wipe you out.

Yeah.

If you got to to look at them all day.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Because then you know exactly what you're saying.

At least guys have like that air of mystery in their head where they can kind of be like,

I've asked the urologist, I was like, what's the biggest dick you've ever seen?

And they're like, oh, yeah, you, you don't forget.

It's really because it's, it's a, it's a, it is a just line of pathetic dicks that just don't register.

And then every once in a while, there's like, it's just like some old guy just goes like, yeah, dude.

And they're like, wow.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

It's got to be an.

I always wonder about this too, with like, especially like women, like, women have that just like anthology in their head.

Dicks.

Yeah, they know, man.

There's always that.

There's always that, like, that one Charizard they've seen.

They're like, oh, my God.

And it's like, does it mean as much to them as it means to us?

And I don't, I genuinely don't think it does.

I don't know.

I think it's awesome.

There's a woman in the booth.

What do you think, Niona?

No?

That's what.

No, what?

What's the answer?

It doesn't matter.

Say it again.

It doesn't matter.

You're a good woman.

you don't stay with that one memory of that like that was that was the outlier fucking i mean there is an outlier for everyone

here we go here comes the truth yeah tell us the truth here comes the but to you

does so does it he does stay in your mind though I mean, yeah, you don't forget, but I'm not.

Are you reminded every time if, like, say you're with like, like a boyfriend, every time you look at his penis, does it like trigger a flashback of like the biggest one you've ever seen?

No.

That's my fear.

No, no, no really yeah because once you're in love that's all you care about is your thank god girls brains are set up the way they're set up that's awesome really that wipes it out

yeah so it does matter to bring home flowers i'm erasing the memory of the biggest dick a woman's ever seen

absolutely every time you say i love you she forgets this dick a little more it shrinks yeah she's like you know i don't really remember those pants look great on you it's just like

just a little bit shrinks i thought you said it was an eight and six she's like like, no, it's like seven.

Wasn't even that fat, come to think of it.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

We're going on vacation.

I'm going to shrink this thing down.

Shrink it down, dude.

That's good.

That's actually a.

I'm happy to hear that.

That's great.

I think, I definitely think that we are more obsessed with

than

you want to see mine.

Yeah, we'll just show.

We'll just look on the table.

That's that, dude.

I've been trying to play the big, big dick, bad boy to my wife.

Now I'm going to switch it up.

I'm going nice guy.

I've been fluffing for her.

I'm trying to do Big Dick Bad Boy.

I mean, like, I don't even care, man.

Oh, you actually show me your big

nice.

It's pretty good, right?

That's fucking great.

I had my regular dick queued up.

Oh, wow.

Some of my butthole in there somehow, too.

Spread eagle shot.

All right.

Well, thanks for coming.

This was fun, man.

It was a blast, dude.

Thanks for having me.

We both have co-hosts regularly.

How do you keep it like, you know, mine's a fucking how do you keep it fresh with your guy?

How do you guys you guys have a good dynamic?

We're fresh right now because I've he's filming.

So he's been he we've done

couples.

He's gone.

You miss each other.

We miss I miss him so dearly right now.

Yeah.

Um what I do is I try.

Is he filming right now?

Yeah, they're about to, I think they should be wrapped up like next week.

I think.

But I what I try to do is I read constantly and I read subject matter that I know bothers him immensely.

And I bring it up and it's, it's so fun every week to just expose him to like esoteric kind of like weird spiritual stuff.

And he hates it.

He has no time for it.

That's great.

So it's very, that kind of makes me laugh every time to watch it.

And he likes to like dismantle all the ideas.

I would have to take that role because my buddy can't read.

But yeah, it's fun.

It's also the thrill of like, we don't prepare anything.

So every week comes and it's like, can we summon an hour of something out of the ether?

Yeah.

It makes it kind of fun to be like, especially when it's not working.

We're both looking at each other like, fuck.

Yeah.

What do you do then?

We just repeat stories we've told before.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's all we do.

My guy just has a drink.

True.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you, bro.

Yeah, thank you for coming, man.

It was fun.

Make sure you see Matt on tour.

Get tickets at mattmcusker.com.

Of course, check out Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast wherever podcasts are available.

Very important.

And yeah, man, thanks so much for coming.

Thank you, Black.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes top of us while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.