Who Killed JonBenét Ramsey? w/ Sam Morril | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave.

You can see my buddy's most recent hour, You've Changed, which premiered on Amazon Prime in July on Amazon Prime, or you can get tickets to see his new tour, The Errors Tour, beginning in early February 2025.

You can check out his popular podcast, We Might Be Drunk with Mark Norman, and of course, he's the co-creator of Bodega Cat Whiskey.

It's Sam mural everybody let him hear it

thanks it's quite an intro that was amazing i got i got all i can't i can't follow that up man you're doing great oh you're doing great man it's always good to see you you too thanks for coming in um

were you just did you come in from new york were you just in new york yeah late flight last night watched stream the Knicks on the flight.

Big dub.

God,

you're a hardcore fan.

I'm a fan, dude.

I love it.

Yeah, you like, I like a night flight.

I'll take a night flight.

Yeah.

It's kind of nice.

Yeah, I'll chill on a night flight.

Yeah.

And I like when they turn the cabin lights off.

And you don't have to deal with the asshole who leaves the shade open

during the day, which I always hate and loathe.

I hate that.

I've been flying.

This is like my first flight in forever that wasn't delayed.

Yeah.

And it was still delayed like 20 minutes, but that's like, dude.

No, that's a win now.

We had a fucking incident coming back from...

I did Miami Improv a couple months ago with my buddy Gary Viter, and we just,

it's like a five-hour delay.

I'm the idiot who booked Miami during hurricane season.

Yeah.

So I deserved it.

But with like a five-hour delay, two hours.

We circled for two hours in the air.

Oh, my God.

And there was this drunk lady on the flight, just like screaming to her friend.

Everyone hated her.

I was like, I hate this person, whatever.

It's one of those flights.

And then they're like, hey, we're not landing.

We're out of fuel.

So we're landing Dully's, Virginia.

So we're just like, ah, it's been like a seven-hour

day.

So we're like pissed.

And then we're on the runway and she's just like on the phone, drunk and shit.

Everyone hates her.

And Gary and I just look at each other like, like, what do we do?

We just drive back?

Like, this is crazy.

And I could, and I was like, all right, fuck it, let's drive back.

So we get off the flight.

And as I got off the flight, I loudly said to her, you know, it's very rude to talk that loudly on the phone.

And she was like, oh, I'm so sorry.

And everyone like gave me like a thumbs up because I was like, I'm leaving anyway.

I may as well take one for the team.

You did, dude.

I took one for the team.

Do you feel a little rise of panic as you're about to say it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't like confrontation, but I was like, I got to,

I feel like I have to do something.

Yeah,

there's a thrill to that.

This is not at all the same thing, but I remember one time I did a yoga class with

Bert, and we were in the class, and

the guy teaching it was like a hard-nosed guy, like a really, like a tough dude.

Like, he's more like a drill sergeant, which felt weird for yoga.

Yeah, it's not the energy you want.

It's not the energy you want.

And then he goes like, he starts telling a story about his son, him and his son somewhere.

And it just, it builds to nothing.

Like it literally, he was like, and then, you know, we went and there was nobody there, all right, and switched poses.

And it was just dead silent.

There's like 30 people in class.

And I just felt this like kind of, you know, this like momentum building inside of you.

And I'm just laying in this position.

I go, hey, man.

And he's like, excuse me?

I go, hey,

is that story over?

And he's like, what?

I go, is the story over?

He's like, yeah.

I go, oh,

it didn't really feel like it had an ending.

Oh, my God.

And he was like, okay.

And I was like, yeah, we tell stories so I can help you with that.

And he's like,

okay, just switch into the net.

Like, he just totally.

But, like,

he knew.

He knew.

I mean, and then Burt was looking at me.

He's like, what are you doing?

And I was like, I go, I just couldn't help it.

Was Bert laughing while you were doing it?

I think he was scared.

He was scared of

that guy.

I heckled him.

Yeah.

I was like, the fuck was that that was i mean i do i respect that i've i've seen the guy at the airport and this one always like because sometimes you want to say something but you're you know you're too intimidated to or you're like it's just it's the the the situation you weigh is it worth it is it worth it you weigh it yeah and there was um you know line jumpers like people like

or or people distract so like we're walking down the jet bridge and somebody's like yeah and and and there was this guy now he was like six seven and he was like 245 like a big fuck and this dude is behind me and these these people are like distracted not moving and he was like eyes forward and walk forward like and we all were like yeah that's what i'd want to say but i would never say it you know and every and they everybody got scared and they just started walking in formation but it was one of those things where you know yeah i wanted to say that to them but i was like i'm not gonna fucking yell at these people this guy guy was just like, go.

But usually guys that big are a little more like, I don't want to say meek, but

they know that with that power comes a responsibility to kind of behave.

Even tempered, yeah.

Yeah.

This guy was a hothead, dude.

That's, that scares me that there's a dude that big who's kind of, I don't want to say a bully, but.

I had one that bullied me one time on a flight.

Really?

Yeah.

And I was like, it had my stomach in knots.

It was, I told the story before, but like, I think about this sometimes, where I'd clocked clocked this guy at the gate.

We were flying from Austin to Vegas, and I saw him at the gate, and he was huge, like 6'6,

295,

and

like muscular.

And he was wearing shorts, flip-flops, and like a sleeveless tee.

So like a big fuck who doesn't care, you know?

And he had the shaved head and he just, you know, you just, it's one of those guys you notice.

And when I got into the, on the plane, I have the aisle seat.

And he goes, hey,

could you

mind sitting at the window back there so I could sit in the aisle?

And I go, nah.

That's a fucking bold.

Yeah, I go, I'm not sure.

That's not a cool request.

You trade evenly.

He's like,

all right.

So then he asked the guy behind me.

And that guy's like, sure.

So he goes, thanks, man.

He goes, thank you for your help.

Thanks for being helpful.

And I'm like, oh, shit.

So now this big fuck is sitting directly behind me.

Right.

And he reaches in between us.

So because the guy that moved is now to my left.

And he goes, you're a good guy.

You're a cool guy.

And he starts tapping him and telling him that.

And I'm like, I'm sitting here like,

fuck.

Like, I got his.

And this guy's behind me.

And he's, and he, he, first thing he does, they, the flight attendants come around.

Would you like something to drink?

He's like, double jacking Coke.

Oh, good.

And I'm like, oh, shit.

And within seconds, he's like, excuse me, can I get one of these?

And they're like, oh, I just gave you that.

He goes, I'm 295.

That's why I knew his weight.

He's like, I'm 295.

And I was like, oh, shit.

And then, so they're pumping him full of double jack and Cokes.

And then he starts getting more, like, you know, full of confidence.

Starts punching the seat.

Yeah, and he starts commanding the cabin.

What do you got?

Oh, we're going to have a good time in Vegas.

Yeah, we're going to fucking hit the tables.

You're going to Vegas.

Bro, and I'm sitting here the whole time.

I'm like, fuck, this guy is so crazy.

He's like, and he keeps bringing up the thing to the guys.

He's like, that that was real nice you you're a helpful guy and i was like that's shit and then he starts talking about his nfl playing career oh shit and i'm like great lewis behind you like gosh

and he starts talking and then he's like yeah yeah i got real suicidal that year i just wanted to kill myself and i was like this guy can we go back to that year

and i was like fuck this dude's gonna do something erratic on this flight and i just remember like my stomach was just like literally in knots because i was like what is this guy just had you ruined your flight yeah it did.

Just because I was like, no, I'm not moving, dude.

That sucks.

I've told this one before too, but this is Gary Viter, who I tour with, like, he's, you know, my, like, we were open micros together.

We go back like that.

And we were leaving Columbus, Ohio once.

And as we're leaving,

there was a woman just berating a TSA agent at like, I don't know, 8 a.m.

So we're like, it's kind of fucked up.

Clearly, she was just trying to help.

And this woman's just killing her.

She's got two kids with her.

She sucks.

And Gary and I are like, at a certain point, we should step in, right?

There's been like two minutes of her yelling at a person.

And then I was like, hey, lady, like, enough.

You know, she gets it.

And she turned, like, this has nothing to do with you guys.

And I was like, I mean, you're holding up the line.

So it kind of does affect us now.

And then Gary kind of stepped and he goes, Yeah, lady, you're a nobody.

And that's when I was like, I fucking love Gary.

And she looks at Gary and she goes, well, you're short.

Oh,

he's like five, six.

Yeah.

And Gary goes, you should see me with my shirt off.

And I was like, dude, what what are you doing?

We're professional comedians.

We had her.

And you're like, what are you doing?

And it like woke us up like a jolted coffee.

We're like, it's like, how hard can we go in front of her kids?

We were like, we hate this person.

But then she went through like angry.

And

the lady like gave us like a nod.

We're like, all right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like, what's the socially acceptable thing?

How far can you take it?

Like, because I have the same thing.

I talk to Jim Norton about this all the time.

Like, how, because Jim loves these stories.

Of course.

Luis Gomez loves these stories.

Like, New York is a kind of like confrontational city.

I feel like you kind of have to, but it's like kind of friendly too, because you live on top of each other.

You kind of have to be like, what the fuck?

And I'm like,

you've seen these, I'm sure you've seen these at least accounts when you're scrolling of guys who are standing on whatever street and they go, hey, how's it going?

Like, what do you do?

Or like, I like your outfit.

I hate these guys.

And there's this like one clip that went viral and all the comments were like, That's a New Yorker.

Where this guy's oh, he goes, Fuck you.

Yeah, he's like,

Get the fuck out of my way.

And everybody's like, This is the best New Yorker.

This is a New Yorker.

It makes me so mad.

They'll just go up to celebrities and stuff and be like, Hey, what's up?

And it's like the dude just trying to have a call.

Yeah, dude, I also hate the guys who are like, How did you accumulate your wealth?

Oh, yeah.

These, and because it's always a dude who's like, You know, I got lucky, I got right place at the right time.

I just want someone to be like, Here a guy be like, I liquidated like three companies and I ruined a bunch of lives, and that's why I have this cool car, you know?

It's pretty great.

What you can do is you can undercut your competition, and then, yeah, you can just bankrupt people, and you make money.

It's pretty cool.

There's something so inappropriate.

You're just walking up and recording people.

Yeah, it's

insane.

It's insane.

Hey, a real quick question.

How did you, yeah, how did you achieve all your goals?

And people are like, what?

I'm going to breakfast right now.

I know.

What are you wearing?

And they're like, fucking clothes.

Going up to homeless people.

How did it all fall apart?

Yeah.

Where do things go south for you?

It's you're doing the same thing, essentially.

It's kind of doing the same thing.

It's pretty inappropriate.

And then they're like, summarize everything for me.

Like,

what are the keys?

Someone who's like 65, who's been working, they're like,

how do I become successful over the last 40 years?

I mean, they tell you right now in 15 seconds.

It's a bizarre thing.

That's what young, I think they just want a cheat code book.

Right.

Tell me real quick.

Yeah.

Tell me real quick.

There is something, I don't know, man.

There's something lost with like.

I know we're just telling stories about how we had confrontations.

We're like, man, people don't behave in public.

I'm literally thinking of an incident I had had in Amsterdam, too.

I'm like, I guess I do

lose it, but there is something, I don't know, satisfying.

If you're, if you're mistreated, you do, it's all about control.

You want that upper hand back.

Yeah.

Like, I got basically thrown out of the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam.

You did?

Yeah.

It was, I mean, I had already paid and gone and seed it.

Seed it.

God, I'm a fucking idiot.

I should kill myself.

So I just say, I seed the

what am I, a three-year-old with a coloring book?

I hate myself.

What did you seed there?

I seed some art.

Yeah.

I saw art.

It was cool art.

God.

No, we saw the exhibit and it was, it's amazing.

It's so cool.

It's like the, you know, it was right before I got turned away from the Anne Frank exhibit.

So that's a hard ticket, by the way.

Is it?

It's a hard ticket.

They don't let you in.

You know, what'd she really do?

She didn't do much.

Yeah.

She didn't do much.

She was just up there fucking journaling.

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So

wait, how do you get tossed from the Van Gogh?

We'd already seed the exhibit.

And

after we saw it, it's like torrential downpour.

So I'm just waiting for an Uber, you know, and it's taking forever because there's so much traffic, you know, narrow, narrow roads.

And

we're just like waiting in the little doorway.

And this guy walks up to us.

He goes, you got to wait outside.

And I'm like, oh, we're just going to be a minute just waiting for the car.

It's raining so hard.

And he was just like, I don't care.

You can't just like wait here.

And we're bothering no one.

I was like, come on, man.

We're just going to be like a minute.

And he goes, okay.

And he walks away.

He gets another security guard to get rid of us.

And I was like, what are you doing?

And I shouldn't have done this, but I sound like a dick here.

But

he was throwing us into the rain.

We were about to get soaked.

So I was like, I'm going to get a fuck you in there too.

So I was like, I go, well, you're a midget.

And he was really short.

I did what the lady did to Gary.

I'm aware of how shitty this is.

And he was like, he goes, bye-bye.

And we're in the rain and we're just getting soaked.

And we're looking at him.

And he just starts waving.

And I got nothing.

All I could hit him back with is, you're so little.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

That's all I had, though.

But I got soaked.

So he did win.

He did win, but he didn't forget that either.

He didn't forget.

It hurt.

It definitely hurt.

He was one day he'll date a woman who's like, if you're just like two inches taller, and he'll be like, that motherfucker.

And you're tall, so it hurt.

I know.

That's all I had on him.

Yeah.

He was in the power position.

He tossed me.

That's so crazy.

Like, so did they physically escort you out?

They intimidated me.

They intimidated me.

Yeah.

Like the Nazis.

Yeah.

Around you're like real good reputation.

I'm doing here with.

I'm taking the story back.

Yeah.

That's fucking.

I'm going to journal about it.

I'm going to sell it.

Yeah.

No, it's pretty rough.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Disrespect also, that's when if somebody disrespects you in public.

Yeah, I was in front of my girlfriend, too.

What do you want me to do?

Just take it.

She was laughing.

I was like, all right, I'll, you know.

It helps to have somebody with you.

It's hard to do without an audience because then you're just like, you're like, I got embarrassed alone.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah, I'm trying to like.

But he threw out other people too, and they hated him, too.

So I was like, all right.

He wouldn't let people wait in the lobby?

I know, dude.

It was like,

it was way in the, it was crazy.

Because it feels like if the superior, like the people that run that place would have been like, what are you doing to people?

And they're never, by the way, this is our reputation around the world.

They're never surprised that the rude person is an American.

Yeah.

They're like, of course, you know, but, and the New York accent doesn't help me.

It's like,

they know.

Yeah.

I think I would have been furious too, though, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You don't want to do it in a museum, though.

That's a good dignified.

I know.

I know.

I've lost my shit at some people.

At At the museum?

I don't think at the museum.

I'm actually trying to block out the rage that I've encountered.

It's kind of fun to revisit some of this shit.

We did this recently, and I was like, oh, fuck.

It's just,

because you realize how bad you feel when it's happening.

Yeah.

When you're that enraged by somebody.

I did feel bad about it.

One time

I checked out of a hotel.

because I thought I was going to kill one of the servers there.

I checked out immediately.

Yeah, I sat down.

He was

young, kind of rude.

And when he delivered my lunch, he dropped it.

Oh, nice.

And he turned.

And I stood up and I started to follow him.

And I realized I was going to follow him into this back room.

And instead, I just went right up to my room and grabbed my bags and checked out at the hotel.

Dude, if you ended up being a killer, Netflix would have it made because you already got all those stand-up specials.

Yeah.

You bang out some cigurs, and then it's just the next, if you like this, check out this three-person series yeah did you watch john bonet i did so you think do you think the dad did it or do you think innocent well i just finished episode two

one thing that's always funny to me when you watch these because i was watching like menendez stuff too yeah was like you recall the story in a broad way right and then when you get into these docs you're like oh because you we were young and i was you know a kid when this happened so i'm like i don't remember any details of either story.

And so you're watching it.

I mean, there's, here's the thing, it's almost like the perfect, well, this is impossible to figure out, at least through two, which is, of course, it's crazy, like

the body in the house and these things.

But then, like, the DNA being withheld and the way that the police were clearly trying

to, well, were feeding this stuff to the media to shape it so that they looked like killers with which is you know you always go like oh man this is can you imagine that dad already lost a daughter it's he already lost a daughter his wife dies at 49 of ovarian cancer and then they're and then they keep implying maybe the other maybe the car accident daughter was abused by him too it's like all this like it's like the staircase remember that one that one was tough though that one was tough that's a little too i think he did it you do think the dad did it yeah but i no not the john bonet dad i don't think he did it what do you think happened what's your theory i don't know but that guy what's his name?

Is it Mark something Carr?

You know what I'm talking about?

I don't know.

The guy who claimed he did it.

Yeah.

I don't.

He, then he was released.

John Mark Carr.

Sorry.

Yeah.

He,

yeah, he confessed.

It's sick.

I mean, imagine confessing to this shit and not even doing it.

Yeah.

I mean, that's like, so you just want that level of attention.

There's a few killers that have done that, but they're usually like

the one who had like the most prolific body count ever.

And he was a low IQ individual.

And so

like sheriffs would be like, we have this unsolved, you know, murder in Louisiana.

He's like, yeah, I did that.

And they're like, great.

And so it would let them just close cases.

And they just kind of kept doing it.

And they attributed like 150 murders to him.

Well, you look like you're the man.

Yeah.

Detective.

You're like, we did another one, dude.

Yeah, Henry Lee Lucas.

He was the one.

He was a, yeah, he could, look, confessed to 600 murders.

Sorry.

And yeah, that's a bit high.

He's like the Wilt Chamberlain.

He's inflating his numbers just to sound cool.

He's quite like, yeah.

Yeah.

And there was another guy.

There was a Texas guy.

What was his name?

Tommy Lynn Sells, maybe?

Who also he

confessed to more, like he definitely murdered people, but they realized that he was

he was confessing.

Yeah, he was confessing to a lot more crimes than he was kind of capable of.

Yeah, so then you're like, they maybe did a couple, but he got

see he claimed 70 victims.

It's a lot.

He only did like 20.

Cops are like, you fucking loser.

Yeah.

You killed like three people?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

It's uh,

I think the dad didn't do it, but they found all this weird stuff in there, right?

They found the, like the rough draft of the ransom ransom note.

That's kind of weird, which is so sad

that you're like, you needed to, he's like working out a fucking ransom and the figure, the 118, so bizarre, right?

It's a weird number.

Yeah, that's what's weird is like, that sounds like one of the new crazier aspects to me was the fact that you have this, because, you know, I first didn't, I didn't think about some of these things like before the pandemic, which was like how you think the powers that be get it, like know how to handle things.

In other words, like something catastrophic happens like a like a pandemic, you're like, well, this is United States government.

Like they'll figure it out.

And then, so

my

analysis or comparison for this is like, oh, it's a homicide, you know, in a city like Boulder.

It's not like a tiny little town.

And then like, they don't have homicides.

So they're like, we're sending a narcotics detective.

I think it was the only one that year, they said.

The only one that's that year.

They don't know what the fuck they're doing.

They have to bring in people from Colorado Springs.

They don't know what they're doing.

Yeah, exactly.

And so, and then you start learning.

You're watching this investigation.

You're like, oh, they were just like, I don't know.

I think we should do this.

And like,

they're not investigating it correctly.

And they pushed that guy out.

The guy, Lou something, Lou Witt or whatever.

They pushed him out because he seemed to know what he was doing.

He was like, nah, I don't know.

But that's

if that dad is innocent, holy shit, that guy's had a horrible life.

Horrible.

Horrible.

Really?

Look, can I say this?

What the fuck are you doing parading your daughter around in these pageants?

It's really gross to me.

It's very weird.

It's worse than child acting.

Yeah.

You're inviting.

It's also amazing that all these people are allowed in as just a solo person.

Like, I'm just going to watch.

They don't want you in a park.

It's so crazy because I know it's like one of it's one of the themes of the documentary is that this little kid has like a there's like they're sexualizing this child with like the performance and just the way that she's dressed and acting and it there is something

you don't just say that and go this person's a murderer right or an abuser but it's peculiar and unnatural because like as somebody with small kids the last thing you want in your kids lives in any way is just like anything sexual in nature.

You know what I mean?

Like whether like the way they you don't you don't encourage that type of, like, dancing or that type of posing or that.

It's just bizarre.

Oh, I mean, for

it's probably like a steak dinner.

You're like, she's got makeup on?

Yeah, it's crazy.

This is crazy.

It's so crazy.

Why, like, why

you parade around like that?

It's, I don't know, but like,

that also, that doesn't make you a murderer.

I mean, you know, it's just, but the whole thing is, because I remember like when I heard this doc was coming out, I go, oh, yeah.

I go, whoever went to jail for that?

Yeah, same.

You forget.

You forget.

Because it happened.

Didn't it happen right after 9-11?

I think it was before then, wasn't it?

It was something.

Maybe there was like a ruling.

1996.

96.

Oh, okay.

But wasn't there a ruling like 10 days after, I think?

After 9-11?

I think so.

About this?

I think so.

There was like a ruling 10 days after, and I think it got swept.

There was something related to this that happened around 9-11.

But like, another thing about the story is

both went unsolved.

when they're talking about the um

darren rogers right there do we really know what happened i don't know

coming soon to netflix

when you're talking about this dad being like this possible abuse and then you he interviews they interview the other kids the adult kids and they're like he's a fucking great dad like you you think that like he just had this moment where he was this horrifically abusive guy it just doesn't add up man yeah it made me feel very sad for him i mean that is uh, and the brother, too, who's like

that's a pretty

you're gonna know that name, Burke Ramsey.

Yeah, and then people are just I forgot what publication said he did it, but it's on Reddit, so you go on Reddit.

It's like it's all there.

I figured it, some guy's like, I figured it out, dude.

These Reddit detectives, and he won some lawsuit, they didn't say what the money was, but he did win one, yeah.

Who knows?

Oh, man, but what does that money give you?

You're fucking you're dead inside.

I mean, from all that, it's it's awful, horrific.

yeah

it's a are you gonna watch the rogers one

um

i don't know maybe i i tend to watch any

doc thing about football i just always am

interested in it in some way i like i like the behind the scenes stuff of that of like

i'm with you but he just bugs me so much as a new yorker at this point i'm not even a jets fan but i'm just angry on behalf of my jets fan friends because he just kind of he came in like we're going to fucking do this.

And it's not his fault.

He got injured.

But then like, he kind of kept the smug going for the whole like, once I'm back, dude.

Yep.

And then he fucking disappointed everyone again.

And now he's doing worse than

like last year's rookie, second year QB, that blonde kid, Zach Wilson.

He's doing worse than him.

I mean, I don't know when this comes out.

Maybe he'll, he'll pick it up a little, but

it looks bad.

Because this is his contract's up, right?

So and he seems like he wants out.

He does want out.

It's like an abusive boyfriend that just like ruins your life.

I'm like, I'm going to see someone else now.

Yeah.

He's just like, it just bugs me.

Like, the

he's got to hang it up.

He's got to hang it out, right?

I think he still wants to play.

You're the last one to know that you don't have it anymore.

He's a Hall of Famer.

He's amazing.

He's an amazing player.

But, like, all this self-searching shit, I don't want to hear that from my QB.

I just want to see you in the weight room.

I don't want to know you have a Sherpa.

Yeah.

It's like ridiculous.

And

I was trashing him because I was, you know, I'm angry just watching on behalf of my New York friends because Jets fans have suffered.

I'm a Giants fan, by the way.

We're not good either.

But

just on behalf of my Jets fan friends, I'm just like, what are you doing to them?

You're just torturing them.

Torturing them.

And

the fact that he just, he threw one of his wide receivers under the bus in that interview where he's like, he ran the wrong route.

And it's like, you don't,

you know, if you're a comic,

you're not like, why'd have a bad set?

The guy who opened for me fucking sucked.

That's why.

It's like, you're doing the same thing.

You're throwing your guy under the bus.

So I don't like that.

then.

Did he do that?

He said, yeah, one of the guys, I guess, ran the wrong route.

He blamed an interception on that.

And

I don't know.

And I was trashing him and I got all these like, well, you, I bet you can't throw a football.

It's like, so I can't critique a football player.

I'm not saying like, I'm just saying he's playing badly.

I'm not getting like the minutiae of why.

Sure.

If I'm on a flight that's going down, I can't fly a plane.

I'm not going to be like, well, I can't speak because I'm not a pilot.

Because I'm not a pilot.

I don't have my hours yet.

Yeah.

So it just all bugs me.

Like, who's defending him at this point?

Like, of course, he's a Hall of Famer.

He's a beast

in his prime, but you know, 40 is old in football.

Not everyone's going to be LeBron.

40 is.

I know.

And Rogers, like, I read.

I'm like, cool, that's not translating to anything on the like.

LeBron, you ever seen LeBron with a book?

He's always on the first page.

Yeah, yeah.

I've seen that.

Like, never even finishes a book.

He's always like, it just starts.

Maybe reading is your kryptonite.

Think less.

This guy.

The older you get to, the more you look at LeBron and go, what the fuck is this?

This is insane.

It's so crazy because he's kind of like he's gotten a little worse he hasn't played defense like he used to obviously but he's still pretty good he's still like physically yeah so imposing he still has quickness explosiveness the olympics were sick yeah the olympics were crazy it also made me realize how france is gaining on america because they look pretty good too yeah well it's become i mean it's more global sport every year it's gonna like it should even out it makes sense that people and also there's that thing that we've we've known this for a long time if you follow basketball in any way, but teams that a lot of the international teams play together all the time.

Our team will be assembled for two weeks.

It really is the Avengers.

And then that international team, like, that's, they're, they're that squad for two years.

Yeah, it's like Wakanda.

They've been together, you know?

We're just like coming in.

Like, we fucking, you know.

Here we go.

Yeah.

We're just, we're going to figure it out.

But when you have Steph Curry and Durant, they can kind of just fit anywhere.

It's true, but like that, that that like rhythm that teams that know each other play with is something beautiful it's really nice because they probably were you know eight and ten doing this yeah it's kind of cool it's cool to watch yeah but he is un like as a physical specimen the way that this guy his body is

to get the way that he is able to take care of himself and perform at a as a 40-year-old.

It's insane.

I remember when Donald Sterling, when they were saying, you know, the old Clippers owner who got fired for big tape for being, you know, racist and whatever, and did a lot of bad stuff in housing, too, that was racist.

But he would like go to the locker room and like feel players.

He'd like, look at their muscles, like they were racehorses.

Yeah.

Man, this guy, something's wrong with this guy.

But like, I do feel like if I met LeBron, I'd be like, holy shit, you know, like that might come out of me.

Yeah.

Like, look at your shoulders.

Jesus.

I mean, yeah, like Sterling, he said the players were like, he would give tours to people too.

That makes it even weirder.

So he would have guests at the game take him to the locker room be like look at this one look at this guy and like they they would just like eyeball him and the players just like sitting there like hi and then he would just kind of like look at them like they were you know like a racehorse or a piece of art and then they would move on to the next or a gay dude or a gay i went to a basketball game with mateo lane and we're we're watching mateo is it's like watching with a woman yeah because he's just like he doesn't know anything about it yeah and he's just like that guy's hot you know he'd be like dude josh hard is he's like really hot and i'm like however i can get you into basketball because he's my neighbor i love mateo so however i can get him in but like he's just admiring like who's the most ripped and stuff look at that guy's quads but i actually i i think that too i do too dude that kid jared mccain the one who's doing all the tick tocks yeah on the sixers i don't know uh

he's like the new kid he's playing out of his mind he's like an 18th pick or something he does all these tick tocks have you seen this yes yes yes oh dude he'll be like lip-syncing green day or he might actually be singing.

I don't know if you have it.

It's really funny.

But it's also funny that, like, you know, like now Shane Gillis is obsessed with.

He's texting me.

He's like, I love this dude.

Yeah.

But it's not what Philly's used to.

Yeah, I mean, this is.

And two days into college, and I am three lectures behind.

There's this guy, let's name him Colin.

He said he wants to be mine.

But it doesn't really sit with me quite right because he doesn't really like the things I like.

And I keep accident knocking myself out of my dwarm in the midst of it.

This is going to make Philly more tolerant.

yeah for these sort of old guys who are like all right i i don't know i kind of if he puts the ball on the hoop i'm cool with it it's like the old racist guy whose daughter has a kid with a black guy and then when he meets his granddaughter he's like i guess they're all right

he's like i guess i guess but this is like two things for that dude to overcome because this is this is you know racial and possibly homophobia yeah Which is great.

And he's a baller.

Oh, dude, he's awesome.

And when you were saying quads, I'm like, this dude has insane legs.

Dude, I just got back from Florida and was on vacation there with the fam, you know, for like a week.

Every day I went to the beach or the pool, and the only thing I point out to like friends, family, whatever, are just other guys.

I'm like, look at this guy.

Look at this guy's physique.

And everyone's like, what?

I go, look at his fucking chest.

I think that's part of getting older.

Is it?

Because we're not as horny.

Yeah.

But we're impressed.

Like, we're like, holy shit, that's like hard.

Yeah.

Maybe that's what it is, right?

Yeah.

It's like full admiration.

I'm like, and I was stopping guys.

Like, they were like, you're not going to go.

I'm going to stop this guy.

So you say, what do you do?

I go, hey, man, you swim all the time.

He's like, what?

Oh, yeah.

I swim.

I go, is that it?

Because your chest is fucking crazy.

And he's like, yeah, just swim, man.

I'm like, unbelievable.

You look great.

Some dude's going to be like, dude, the dude from Two Bears hit on me.

That's why it's called Two Bears, I think.

I think they're gay.

He tried to fuck me.

I mean,

that's all I wanted.

I was pointing them out.

And then the same thing, though, though, I'll see dudes at the gym, and I'm like, how the fuck is it?

I don't ask, but I'm like, how the fuck is he so ripped?

Christina goes, hey, that one guy you were admiring.

She goes, turns out he's a firefighter.

I go, ah, makes sense.

You just light your hotel on fire.

You hope he shows up.

I don't want to see this dude again.

Dude, carry me out of here, man.

I want to see what it feels like.

Pull me out of the window.

Over your shoulder.

Dude, I know what you mean.

A lot of it's not natural, though.

A lot of those dudes here are like, how the hell is he looking like that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot of it is like some sort of performance and that's what i tell myself because i'm like well you can like you see because like if you're online all the time looking at stuff there's just nothing but you know juiced up lunatics on there who are like yeah fucking broccoli and chicken you're like shut up i know that's juiced out of their minds and then there's well-known celebrities who are juiced out of their minds if you're in a marvel movie that ain't natural Not at all.

They may as well hand you the needle.

They're all geared up.

Even there's a few too that because sometimes there's guys who have like, let's say, a naturally lean build.

So you go, oh, that's possible.

They're juiced up, dude.

I, even though I know a couple who I was like, oh, I guess this might be possible.

And then I asked the person and they were like, oh, no, he was, he was on everything.

They're all, they're all on it.

But is that safe or not?

Safe?

It's not safe, but it's probably, it's not as dangerous to do if you're like, I'm doing it for these three months as opposed to like, I do this year-round all the time.

So, because some of them will just do it for the filming and then they're done, right?

But what about like an RFK?

Because whatever he's on ain't natural.

He's 70 and he looks like an Avenger act.

How is that?

That can't be good.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know what he's on, but he's going to be in charge of health now.

So maybe he'll get us on it too.

That cabinet's going to be fucking

interesting.

Fun.

Linda McMahon, I've always said she should play a role in education.

Wrestling's made me so much more intelligent.

It is kind of, it does feel like a reality show when they pick people

for gigs in the house.

Like, you're going to be in charge of cooking.

You know, it's like, they're just like, he's just like, I like this guy.

You're in charge of the fucking defense.

That's, that's all it is.

Yeah.

Trump was in wrestling, so he's like, Linda was good.

She stood by.

It's all loyalty.

And she stood by Vince.

So he's like, she's good.

She's solid.

And then, yeah, Matt Gates dipped so fucking quickly.

That was crazy.

So fast.

That Vince

sex story stuff was nuts.

In the dock, you mean?

Well, I was was watching the doc, but coincidentally, like

whatever it was, a month or so prior, maybe it was a few months before, I read the story about this girl, the girl, I guess the girl that sued him.

And, you know, you're like, oh, it was like man in power, sex stuff, blah, blah, blah.

And then it's like, he shit on my head and like left them, wanted the shit to stay there and dripping off.

I'm like, what?

Yeah.

And then he would like, he would send her she i mean this is this is the accusation that

he'd be like go over to that guy's room and him i want you to be like a cum-filled whore she would have to like and by the way this all sounds like you could hear it in his voice yeah yeah i've i've seen enough wrestling where i'm like i could see vince saying that is gnarly though yeah he's not a good man Pretty crazy.

He's a bad dude.

And also, I mean, look what he did to his kid.

Look what he put Shane through.

What did he put him to?

I don't know.

I mean, did you see that doc on Netflix?

I probably missed it.

It's pretty amazing.

I mean, all my, I don't know wrestling like Mike Lawrence is my good buddy, and Mike's like, they didn't go hard enough.

Like, oh, they left out all the crazy shit.

Really?

Yeah, he's like connected to murders and stuff, Vince.

And he's, there was like Jimmy Supervised Snooka pretty clearly murdered someone.

I think Vince helped him get out of it.

And

I mean, Shane, I mean, this is like a billionaire's son jumping off a steel cage 30 feet.

He could have been paralyzed.

Yeah.

And this is the only time his dad hugs him.

It's like when he jumps off a cage and nearly dies.

It's like

trailer trash succession or something.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, he kind of just like pushed him out and gave it to his daughter.

It was tougher.

They say I think the son is like a nicer guy and the daughter is a little more like him.

I saw the part of the doc, I guess I don't think I finished it, where

he was, I saw him talking about his dad.

And he was like, yeah, my dad.

Never said I love you, except for like when I took the business to like the next level and he was about to die or something like that.

Yeah, but you don't have to be exactly like your withholding and probably abusive dad.

Yeah.

My dad walked out when I was a baby.

If I have a kid, I'm not going to be like, shit, I guess this is in my DNA.

I got to leave.

Fuck.

I'll be right back.

Yeah, that was, it was.

I hate when people blame their upbringing on bad shit they do.

I find it to be like, oh, so you did zero work on yourself.

Yeah, well, that's part of it, right?

Like a lack of awareness and wanting to do better, yeah.

But he just poured it all.

I think it was like that never-ending, I want to make my dad proud of me, so I'm going to build this up.

But it's like, well, guess what?

Your dad's dead, yeah, so he's not going to give a shit about this.

You got kids, you should be good to your kids, you know.

I have little

sympathy for parents who like don't, who aren't good to their kids.

Like, you're fucking up people you made, yeah.

That's a, I mean, if it feels crazy when you have kids because when you have kids, like you so want to protect, you know, and take care of them so much that when you hear about stuff like that, it just

part of your brain just goes, Well, I don't understand, you know, because you just are so trying to take care of them.

Yeah, I mean, a guy who poops on a woman's face doesn't strike me as the most introspective fella.

No.

And I really want to know.

Like, I'd really love him to comment on why shit on them.

Why?

Maybe that's just, I mean, there's always those porno links where you're just like, I don't know who's into that, but that's weird.

Yeah.

And that's, there's definitely people into it if it's there, right?

But I think there's something, like, look, weird is a broad term.

There's something about human excrement that, like, it, it's like it, it's its own category.

Like, when you're, because, like, shit to all of us is revolt.

Like, it's just revolting, you know?

Not all of us.

Well, that, but, like, even that person, I think, it's like, it's your body is actual waste.

It's waste.

And it's like the reason that it

the smell is like, it's because you're supposed to stay away from it.

Do you think now that he's getting really old and it's kind of falling apart a little and he probably poops himself a little and a nurse has to clean it up?

He's kind of like, that's so hot.

Yeah, for sure.

Really?

Maybe.

He's probably like, she's like, don't worry.

It's not that he goes, well, let's see what yours is like.

Because I think that's...

Do you think it's that?

I think with him, it's about the humiliation.

Oh, right.

I think he's probably like, this person hates this, and that turns me on.

Like, that's it.

Like, he's like a sadist, I think.

Oh, right.

Right.

Yeah, I guess I don't know, man.

That cracked me up so hard, though, in the, in the doc, though, when he's like, he's basically on trial for, you know, all this sexual misconduct stuff.

He's, you know, they're looking into it, and they're like, you know, will he show up tonight?

Like, that's part of the storyline.

And he just walks out to that dumb song, no chance.

And everyone's like, yeah, you're here.

He showed up.

Yeah, okay.

So McMahon, during a threesome, McMahon defecated on her and commanded her to continue pleasuring the other man while McMahon took a shower.

Yeah, he's like, I want to get this shit off of me.

Grant says she had feces in her hair running down her back.

It lasted more than 90 minutes while she remained.

So an hour and a half, you're covered in shit.

But

you're definitely right in that

it's about humiliating the other person.

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I just.

Throwing up is weird because I just watched this as a kid being like, this is great.

Yeah.

And you kind of know they're not treated well.

Because think about how we travel and it's a lot yeah these people are traveling you know in pain their body hurts and they're doing some of them are doing like 300 days a year it's when i i met um the undertaker and we were talking about just the road and traveling and and i was saying you know

at the time i don't know i think this because this was like a little while ago i was like yeah you know something about the schedule where you have doubles right like two shows two shows on thursday two shows on Friday, and how the cumulative effect, it really does start to like break you down.

There's something like so,

you know, like, like

welcoming when you run into like a single show night, because you're like, oh, something about those doubles wear you out.

And he was like, yeah, when I started wrestling,

we were doing double.

We would do doubles.

Oh, no.

So we do the show twice.

And, and so it's like, I'm talking about sitting there talking with a mic.

He's doing like fucking clotheslines and shit.

And I was like, that's insane.

And it was the same way.

He was like, two Wednesday, two Thursday, two Friday.

And he goes, like, my first thing when I got like a little bit of juice in the business was I was like, no, no doubles.

Like it was just one, one show a night.

Because they probably didn't know how many tickets they could sell at that time.

So they're like adding shows.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

I mean,

to do that shit twice in a night.

I mean.

Oh, dude, it affects how I, you know, eat and stuff.

Like, and I'm just standing there.

Like, we're low energy guys.

We're low energy comics.

This dude is seven feet and he's jumping off.

He's jumping off of shit.

I know.

He's a shit.

It does fuck me up, though.

I don't care what it.

I mean, you can say whatever you want about it.

Like, over time, especially like there's tours where I've done it week after week completely.

I would get sick multiple times.

Like, immune system just falls apart.

Yeah, it fucks you up.

But it's more for me, it's more mental.

It's more like I'm just drained.

I'm not like physically that bad.

It's more like, fuck, I'm like, I need new jokes.

I'm forcing myself to do all these, all these shows so I can, uh,

so I can hate the material enough to force new shit out of my mouth.

But, so I'm more like run down and mad at myself.

I'll do enough sets where I'm furious that I don't have more new.

That's the thing.

And then you go, man, even if you have one new thing at the top, all of a sudden that show, you're like, oh, that was so much better.

Just because you said one new thing.

Oh, dude.

I did like one Hunter Biden joke the other night and it got a pop.

And I'm like, okay, there we go.

All right.

That's why I had one thing and it

made me feel brand new.

I like how they're all, by the way.

I mean, mean, not that this is new, but they're also full of shit in politics.

Oh, my God.

And like,

the fact that, like, we, I mean, we can just find this with anybody, but they're like, so you're not going to pardon him.

He's like, no.

Absolutely.

Just don't say that.

Yeah.

I will accept how this justice system and how it works.

And it's like, cool.

All right.

Good to know.

And he's like, what do you mean to do?

Fucking nothing.

And the acrobatics you made these democratic pundits do going on who are just also full of shit.

Yeah.

Who are like, yeah, you know, you know, know, he said he's not going to do that.

We respect the justice system in this party.

The smug now is on top of it, which is annoying.

And then you come back and be like, we had to do it.

You know, Trump said he's out for revenge.

You have to like justify anything.

It's his only son left.

I know.

And I know that it's always their job to do this, but it's why you end up loathing all press secretaries.

Because they have to spin whatever they're told.

You know what I mean?

So like the press secretary has to come out and be like, No, he's not going to do that.

And then the next day has to go, what do you want him to do?

Not do it?

Like, it's not and bring up the counterpoints.

And it's like, so we can't believe anything you say ever.

Yeah.

Like, press secretaries are always just master manipulators.

I think most Americans are cynical enough to be like, like, none of us feel burned.

We're like, yeah, that's what they do.

That's what they do.

No, of course.

It's just another glaring.

It reminds me of college football coaches when they're like, I'm not taking the gig okay staying here vince mcmahon i'm not pooping on an employee never i've never done that

pooping on someone it's so gross do you guys know what it smells like and he's like i have to smell i love i love that he was like that's gross i'm gonna go shower like that's disgusting i'll be back and then he got back and he's like you're still covered in shit

and he didn't pay her that much right i don't know like he raised her salary to 200 grand i'm like that's not that much to get pooped on.

To get shit on?

Yeah.

And stay there, too.

He wasn't just like, this is my kink.

I'm going to shit.

Now he's like, you stay there, you blow that other guy.

Can you imagine she's at lunch with her friend and her friend's complaining about work?

And she's like,

you think you have a bad job?

Yeah.

The boss is pooping on me.

Yeah.

And not only that, it's said that

he like commanded her to keep pleasuring the other guy.

But what if you're the other guy?

And you know who the other guy was?

I think it was Brock Lesnar, wasn't it?

Was it Brock Lesnar?

I'm pretty sure.

Holy shit.

But wouldn't you think of it?

By the way, I don't think I would want to have a threesome with Brock Lesnar.

No way, dude.

How highly do you think of yourself that you're like, I'm going to go in there with Brock Lesnar and give this girl a show?

No, but like, wouldn't you be so mad as the other guy?

Like, you'd be like, no, no, no, I want you to shower too.

Like, like, because I can smell, it's in your hair.

It's really gross.

It's so gross.

I don't care that that's my boss.

Like, you don't just get to make, I don't want to sit here and get this blowjob with her covered in your shit.

It's not cool.

Not only that, it's like it's one thing for Linda to find out her husband's fucking around on her.

It's another to find out he's fucking around with employees because now it's a lawsuit that she's a company, it's a company she's a part of.

It's a third to find out poop is involved.

Poop.

This is like an onion with layers that keep on giving.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Yes.

But is that is but hold on though.

That might be a separate thing.

That might be a separate thing.

Yeah, that might not be the.

What's this one?

Just that he

forced her to create personalized sexual content for a superstar that he was trying to re-sign.

So that, because he involved multiple people in these sexual escapades.

And that in that one.

Let's see, Grant that he likes to.

This is like old school, like, this is like old school showbiz shit.

This is like, feels like mob shit.

It does feel like mob stuff, yeah.

This feels like 1940s, like, uh, Bugsy Siegel, Mickey Cohn-type depravity.

Uh,

it says that maybe

Brock wanted her to send a video of herself urinating, which is cool.

Um,

like, man, defecator and earth threesome.

Um, it doesn't say,

oh my god, yeah, it doesn't say who that

person was there.

It's cool if Brock's into piss, though.

That's kind of a cool detail to learn.

It's interesting.

You never know.

You never know what people are into.

Piss video.

Is he into piss, or is Vince just like, you should get into this?

Like, he's an older guy.

Like, you'll get into it.

It's cool.

Oh, you're not into that yet?

Let me have my friend send you a video.

There's a girl on Instagram who is like, her whole, I don't know how she doesn't get kids shut down.

It's all like power pissing.

And she sits there and just angles her camera in such a way where you don't, you can't see her, you know, private parts, but piss just everywhere.

I've heard of this.

And it's got like, what the, who is this?

I went to the I've heard of this.

Yes.

And the Wall Street Journal did a nice piece in it.

Dude, she was on 60 minutes.

Dude,

I know what you mean.

It is crazy because porn is essentially like, even with your starting, even with your starting point, porn is like things you should not do.

It's like fucking your friend's mom.

It's all like kind of wrong, right?

And then you keep escalating to the point that you get to shit.

Shit is, yeah, it is about raising the stakes, right?

Because what's wrong every few years gets worse.

You're raising your tolerance to this.

It's like when you're, the first time you see a girl in a bikini, you're like, oh my God.

I know.

Right.

And then it's like topless.

You're like, it doesn't get crazier than that.

I used to have a bit about jacking off the Jennifer Love Hewitt smile.

Yeah.

And then it gets worse.

It It gets worse.

It gets fucked up.

So what's that first one there?

She's like, hey.

Oh.

That's crazy.

Okay, so I got it.

So then she does.

So it's not real?

No, it's real because that's definitely real.

I should warm things up.

I should warm things up.

I just wanted you guys to know that.

By the way, this is like a new scouting tape for Vince.

He's like, someone get me this girl's number.

She would definitely be getting calls from him if she was on the roster.

This is weird.

And this is like.

Why are our jokes getting flagged and this shit is okay?

This is all right.

I can't say, I can't say

sex in a bit.

That gets flagged, but

she can pee.

Pee pee, girl.

What does the link go to?

Is it just like a pay site?

Yep.

It's like OnlyFans?

OnlyFans, many of it.

It's like a bunch of pay sites.

Where I guess you get more,

right?

You get longer streams.

You get longer streams.

Open mouth.

She pees.

Yeah, I mean.

Hey, it's pretty cool, man.

I don't know, man.

I'm like, porn is getting like, I'm more just...

irritated by porn as I get older, too.

I can't even like,

you know, it's like an ultimate peeve in porn is like the dude who's like trying to be uh like too animated oh yeah where he like takes you out of it where he's like he's like what you're gonna me and you're like just fucking

it's like it's like doing crowd work with a guy who's trying to be funny and you're like just let me do this you just respond normally you just do the you're just there to be there we're here not for you we're here for her the overacting do you like when they go like what

you're gonna me yeah it's you you knew yeah there's so much porn it's too much i mean i'm still like it's crazy.

I'm still on like 2006 porn.

There's no way you can catch up.

I'm still like on the shit I jerked off to like growing up.

The only thing that I actually really wanted like that even turns me on anymore,

I can't watch a

like a manufactured pretend turned on thing.

I like the genuine behind the scenes, like the real one.

Yeah.

Because then they're doing something that they are like

doing to arouse each other.

you know what i mean yeah and it's also like a different type of thing it's like it's like you've watched too many thrillers and you're you get like a documentary now yeah it's just like a different genre it's a different but here's the thing there's because porn does this with everything there's the fake behind the scenes that one doesn't do it for me it's got to be the authentic behind the scenes yeah you know what i mean sure sure that's the only one i like yeah man no i i'm with you i i i don't even know what i like anymore you want to like kind of ration it too you don't want to be like too you don't want to be on the road and being like, it's so easy to just jerk off like three times in a day.

Easy.

Yeah.

I used to.

Yeah.

I used to.

I was bad.

I think like that was just

part of the

dealing with the anxiety of what am I doing.

I know.

You know what I mean?

Like I'm in Hartford

and you know

I'm in Hartford question mark is a great title to a book.

It's like I spent $600 on the flight.

Yeah.

I'm making $600.

like what am i so yeah you're just in your room like oh let me get another cheese stick and jerk off like that was kind of

i don't know you know what i mean like you're you look back and you go oh that's what things happen your behaviors happen for a reason right i was like you're trying to get some dopamine going because you're like what am i doing you're also kind of like what else am i gonna do like i've been you know you're like i'm here all day it's different than like when you're a little older and you like you have like oh okay this is my job then you go like i I should write, or I should go work out.

Like, you, your brain changes, right?

But it helps to bring a friend because if you have a friend who's a good influence, like my friend Gary, who's like, let's wake up at like 8:45, 9, we'll work out.

I'm like, all right.

So, you guys are doing that?

Kind of, yeah.

We just do something just to get the brain awake.

Yeah.

You just don't want to waste the day.

Just you kind of see, especially when you're on the road, you're like, I can, I got to try new shit.

I'm doing one or two hours tonight.

I got to, if I do the same show as last night, I'm a failure.

Yeah, so you get yourself into that.

I'll listen, I'll listen to the set.

There's it's coming together, but it's like I'm always in awe of comics who just like don't need, I need to throw shit at the wall.

I'm sure you do with all you do so many stories.

Like, you gotta, you know, when you're doing a story, you're kind of like,

I know where this is going to end, maybe, but I don't know how I'm gonna get there sometimes.

Well, though, you need to.

The interesting, oh, for sure.

The interesting part, the most interesting part of like figuring out a story is like telling it in the first few times where you're over telling it but you don't but you have to you have to go like okay all this is unnecessary but you don't know that until you do it so that story the first time you're like man and then yeah you you find a place where it goes eventually and then sometimes you go i think it ends here and you realize oh i i should kind of like add to it you know it's like it is like this equation that you don't know all the numbers yet it's it's but like the only way to do it is by

trying it out i also had one where i have this bit now where i i told a version of this bit before and i used to to do a longer version of it and i realized that this add-on that i was doing was taking the joke from like here to like here so i cut that so now it ends on like a more

you know a stronger ending basically Yeah, it's sometimes just you have a line that you love and you're like, just add something, but you're like, you keep listening, you're like, it doesn't work.

It doesn't work.

Yeah.

We get into this thing, I think, all comedians do, where it's like a, it's a form of insanity almost, where you go, I'm going to say the thing I like.

And then you say it, and you're ignoring the reaction and you're like, it's still funny to me.

And you keep saying it.

For some people, that's their whole act.

Yeah, that whole act is like, I think it's funny.

And you're like, none of this is working.

None of it works.

But then I think there's this point where you're like, yeah, I just, I'm better at that now, at going like, that's not working.

Yeah, stories are like, I'll usually do like one or two per hour.

I don't, like, I can't, I just, yeah, but you're a joke writing machine.

Oh, nice, man.

I mean, I just like, but I, I think you need something else.

Like, I mean, I've seen other people, then you'll see a guy like, you know, some people that have like long stories, but then I'll have some, like, you'll have some short bits too.

Some of your early stuff was a lot of short bits, you know?

And, or someone like Jim Jefferies who will tell like a long story that's hilarious, but then he'll also do like, he'll just throw a one liner out there every once in a while.

And you're like, oh, shit, all right.

I think you got to keep them on their toes a little bit

or else you become predictable.

And it's like.

Yeah.

I think like my hour right now is shaped by like

it usually almost has like some mix of this of like short bit short bit story quick quick

you know quick one-liner story story like it's like a it's a mix of it but you try to not make the order of it too predictable you know yeah that's also the hard thing is like i'll do this sometimes where I'm like, oh, there's a good joke, and then I'll put it too early and they just think I'm a fucking asshole.

Yeah.

Cause I'm like, oh, I'm an asshole.

And this is.

You didn't earn it yet.

Yeah.

Like my crowd will laugh at that.

But if I do that, I did a show, man, these, there are these guys who do these shows in New York and pop-up shows.

Like they'll do it at Peter Luger's Steakhouse.

They'll do it at like Paragon Sports.

I just did one at Katz's Deli and I bombed so fucking hard because the show just kept getting pushed back.

Like I saw Louie at the cellar.

He's like, I'm doing that Katz's show with you.

I was like, I'm going on after you.

I was like, oh, sweet.

For some reason, he just like went on.

I was like, fuck, why?

I thought I was before Louie.

And he did like, I think he thought I went on.

So we did like 30.

And I'm like, fuck.

All right.

It's like 11.45.

Oh, yeah.

That kid Marcelo from SNL is there.

And he's like, I'm shooting a thing at 6 a.m.

Like, go ahead, fuck.

But like, he's so adorable and funny and likable.

I go on.

I'm like, my first joke was like way too fucking not nice.

And they were like, this guy's a fucking asshole.

Yeah.

So I'm just bombing after two pastrami sandwiches and Katz's deli at like 12.15 in the morning.

I'm like, this sucks.

This is the the worst.

Yeah, I feel bad.

Earning, it's a thing where, like, I figure that all the time where, like, your show, you can kind of like play with that, you know?

Like,

do they like you?

And it's your show, so they like you.

But then you go do like a, just like a random showcase show, and you try to do the same type of order, and they're like, no, no, you still have to get like some goodwill to earn it.

Yeah, you have to earn it, dude.

And it's a different thing.

It's like you're on the road, like, like you're hitting the road, or I'm hitting the road.

It's kind of like you get used to just the hour.

Yeah.

You know, and then it's like, cool.

When you're a young comic, you're like, how do I get five minutes?

How do I get to this point?

And then you're old, you're like, how do I get down?

It's a different thing.

It's so, I was like trying to do a talent set.

And I was like, how the fuck do I do a five minute?

It's almost panic inducing.

I just got back from like a string of shows.

I got back and I go to the club here and they're like, do you want to go on?

I'm like, sure.

And I'm just like in my head going like, how do I figure out what 15 minutes to kind of play with?

Yeah.

And it's like, and then here's the thing: it's like, it starts well.

So you're like, oh, I think I found my stride for this 15 minutes.

And then all of a sudden, it just takes a left turn.

And you're like, oh, fuck, I just lost it.

Like, I lost it here.

I relate so much to that.

Cause, like, it's been happening to me at the seller.

Like, there'll be some young, hungry, young killer there.

And I'm following this comic.

And I'm like, oh, shit.

All right.

I got to kind of bring it.

There's nothing worse than when you're like, I'm trying all these new jokes.

Then you see the person in front of you just annihilating.

And you're like, fuck.

All right.

Well, I can't be a pussy.

Got to do them.

But then you just are like eating it for the first, that's the hard thing, too.

It's like, all right, well, do I start old and kind of earn it?

Or do I,

do I just like say, fuck it?

Maybe they'll give me some bonus points because these are all clearly new because they're topical and that'll help me.

But I usually just, I'm like, I'll just fall on my face and hopefully I'll win them back.

But like, I've had a couple recently where I'm like, shit, I don't know what the right

move is.

But I think that's, that tells me me too that I think that's the healthy way to approach it.

The fact that it doesn't go well sometimes means that you're doing it the right way.

As crazy as that might sound to somebody, like if that's what we tell ourselves, they're like, only hacks kill every time.

Well, but it's true, I think.

I think it's true, dude.

I think it's true.

I mean, I also feel like I feel that boredom thing so much.

you know and like one thing i've done on this tour i've been on this tour now for about a year is you know it it always always is like tweaking a little bit, right?

Things get dropped, things get added.

But I have taken every 15-minute chunk of this hour and done it in different orders.

So I've opened with it, put it second, put it third, and put it fourth, and moved it around.

That's kept it like interesting and different.

And like, it goes different ways in different markets.

And like, there's certain nights where you could tell me that's the way to do it.

And then the next night I'm like, I don't think that's the way to do it.

But I think the doubt, doubt is a good thing in comedy.

I think it it keeps you

first of all like you don't want to be overly confident and you also want to be somebody who goes like

okay

doubt means that you actually has have um some risk to what you're doing and to what you're saying so i i don't know i i'm i'm a big fan of like of

just embracing that like you said like following the person and going fuck it i'm just doing this anyway and it might each and then it does each shit and you're like whatever like that means you're trying things but you switching the order to keeps keeps it present, I think.

I think that's like, you're now like, you're not, it's so easy to go on autopilot and lose the joy in this.

But I remember Louis would say that he would, um, he would open his new hour on his last hour's closer because it would put so much pressure on him.

I'm like, man, that is a, that's a tough thing to do to yourself is open on your best bit.

Yeah.

And then just like be like, oh, these aren't good yet.

Yeah.

But it'll it'll make you get good.

That stuff, that, that advice, I think, works.

I mean, moving your heavy hitters up front does that too.

And then sometimes, yeah, you suffer through sets.

Like, I've done sets where, like, I felt like the 20 minutes in, it was like bedlam in there.

Just people.

And then I'm like, all right.

And I settle in and it was like turned into a eulogy where I was like, fuck.

Like, you know, but it does make you address them and change things.

And just like, will you still hit clubs when you are working out, like on the road?

Every once in a while, where you'd be like, I'll hit a road club or no?

I mean,

I feel like the rhythm I kind of go with is like, once the thing is out, I just play clubs for a while trying to figure it out.

Then I try to do some theaters and then go on from there.

I mean, I did do like the, I did that den in Chicago.

I filmed a special there.

That was awesome.

I love that room.

I did that.

Chicago's awesome.

Yeah.

Chicago is just like one of the best cities, dude.

I just, it's great.

I just love being there.

I love it.

I don't know.

They got, they love to talk shit.

Like on New York, they're like, this is affordable.

We got the water right there.

And I'm like, look, you're not wrong.

Yeah, yeah.

Sports town.

It's a great, it's a great sports town.

I love it, dude.

And that room, the den, I did a Netflix special there, and it was like,

yeah, it's perfect.

That was one of my surprise, like, most fun rooms.

And that, that's, I did that as I was like getting ready to go on tour.

Chicago is,

yeah, that's a, that's a,

that's a place I always love hitting.

Chicago, Boston.

There's some of those like

comedy cities that are just like so.

I cannot wait to to do.

Are you doing Boston Garden?

Yeah.

Or TD Garden, whatever?

Dude.

I did it recently because I was doing Eddie Comics Come Home.

Yeah.

Dennis Leary's thing with the stack lineup.

It was like Bill Burr, Bobby Kelly, Ronnie Chang, all these great comics on it.

And

so much fun, man.

They gave me a Bruins jersey, though, customized.

And I was like, what am I going to do?

I mean, I'm flattered, but I'm also like, I'm fucking, I'm a New York guy.

I can't rock a Bruins jersey, but it's a cool gift.

Yeah, it's cool.

You frame it.

There's some Boston guys there who are like, what the fuck?

That's amazing.

Oh, it was a Rangers one, I would have gone nuts.

Yeah, of course.

No, um, but it's a cool cause, and it's like, you know, oh, dude, I was going up there, and I'm taking the train up because I'm like, it's an easy commute, and the train in front of me fucking runs over a person.

What?

So we're on the tracks, and I'm like, I wonder if Ronnie Chang is on that track.

I didn't see him on my train.

So I text him, like, are you on the train that hit a person?

He was like, yeah, dude, we're not moving.

We're in the middle of the tracks.

I don't know what to do.

And I was like, well, we're off.

Like, so let me see if I can like pick you up in an Uber and we'll just like, it's like a two-hour Uber, but we got to make the benefit, you know?

Yeah.

So Ronnie was like,

I can't, I'm literally in the middle of the tracks.

We can't move.

We ran over a person.

So I was like, holy shit.

So this guy comes back and this, like, a guy who works for Amtrak sees me and he recognized me and he goes, I hope you make your gig tonight, man.

And I was like, oh, thanks.

And yeah, I said, do you want tickets if we make it?

And he was like, really?

That's amazing.

So because I, so I did that.

He felt like he had to update me every two minutes.

So like, what's going on?

So he'd like come come back and be like hey it was a woman

and i'm like oh fuck all right shit and uh and then i was like all right then he'd come back like two minutes later and he's like she was sitting indian style uh it was a suicide like that you know it's going so quickly that the conductor the engineer rather he can't he can't slow down yeah so we just he had to watch that i was like that's fucking awful man oh man and then he goes so the tickets are at box office

and i was like, yeah.

And he emailed me that night because I was like, here's my email in case anything goes wrong.

And I emailed him.

I was like, he said, I got it.

I was like, let me know how the show is.

And I make sure they take care of you and stuff.

And he wrote, man, amazing lineup, great night.

That lady getting run over is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Holy shit.

But it was crazy.

It was a crazy experience.

And I mean, we showered at the venue because I know, you give yourself a couple hour window, but we were delayed a few hours.

So

I ended up showering in the visiting locker room for the Celtics.

It's like enemy territory, man.

Celtics.

And that water stream is shit.

Is it really?

I think they do that to the visitors.

Yeah.

To be like, fuck you.

Here's a shitty stream.

It'll take you forever to shower.

Yeah, that's awesome.

It was crazy.

I was like, this is cold and shitty.

We were on the road somewhere, and one of the guys from

my crew was like, oh, I I was talking to this chick at the bar.

And she's a conductor.

She's a train conductor for Amtrak.

And he goes, I asked her, have you ever hit somebody?

And she goes, yeah, seven people.

And he was like, what?

And she goes, yeah, it's just

part of the gig.

Especially on the holidays, they say.

Because people get really sad.

She goes, my dad is also an Amtrak conductor.

Like, that's how I got into this.

And he's hit over 40 people.

Oh, my God.

And I was like, what?

And they, and they were just like, yeah, it's just how it goes.

It's just part of the crazy.

It's one of those things, man.

You're just going to hit people.

You see some shit.

Fuck, man.

People like explode when a train hits them.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Train going that fast, but that much mass.

So I guess the hope is that at least it's quick, but that is.

It is quick.

Yeah.

But that is rough.

That's rough.

And also, like, they have to...

That's a bad gig, whoever has to, like, dispose.

Because you have to, the train can't move.

You have to dispose.

I guess you go back over it.

I know.

you have to dispose

hose it down

it's a bad gig all right well don't scoop amtrack's super reliable great way to get

don't sleep on amtrak i do love amtrak they're great i love a good train i love a good train i want actually a scenic route you get a nice view i want the old school like when you see in the movies where it's like this bedroom you know what i mean like murder on the orient express like that yeah sleep on it and it's kind of cool That would be a cool thing.

I did that one time when I was a young comic and just like making no money.

I did a 26-hour train ride to Toledo, Ohio.

No shit.

Yeah.

From New York?

Yeah, because it was like the cheapest way to get there.

And I, you know, I have a car and I'm a shit driver.

And I was, it was like a Kinect train ride for like a feature weekend, but it was like a hundred bucks.

I was like, I'll fucking do it.

Was it cool?

Yeah, it was kind of cool.

It was kind of like a cool adventure.

Yeah.

It was only that bad because I think of a hurricane.

So it messed up a rail.

But I was like, whatever gets me there cheapest i will do cheap as well and it was like yeah fun weekend i think a train a train is so cool um don't forget you can see sam on his new tour the errors tour beginning in february 2025 you can catch uh we might be drunk with him and and mark norman and of course bodega cat whiskey yeah dude we're we're making some noise in new york we're at peter luger's now steakhouse we're at uh strip house great steakhouse

seller all the comedy clubs in new york the stand uh new york comedy club they're all Gotham, I believe, is carrying it now, too.

Awesome.

So, yeah,

and we're a bunch of new bars are about to carry it.

And yeah, man, Porosos and Bodega.

I rock my Porosos head all the time.

Thanks very much.

We're going to crack over some whiskey here in a little bit and get the day started right.

Thank you guys for watching.

Thank you for listening.

Oh, dude,

Austin, Dallas, D.C., I'm hitting like 50 cities.

So samaril.com slash shows for tickets, Charlotte, Tulsa.

I'm not going to say them all, obviously, but I'm literally coming.

I'm not gonna say your tour name, I'm coming everywhere.

The best tour name of all time.

I saw that I was like fucking jealous.

I was like, That is that is a good tour name, that was right there for any of us.

Yeah, I'm coming everywhere, but uh, yeah, the Aeros tour, and I got like I'm gonna be coming to every city.

Uh, and if it's not there right now, it's gonna be added for the fall.

But samural.com/slash one of the best comics working today.

That's no shit, absolutely.

Go get tickets, go see him, laugh your ass off, and uh, we'll see you guys next week.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert,