Trippin' Balls On A Plane w/ Russell Peters | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

And welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave.

Pretty crazy news regarding my co-host Bert's nervous system.

He has

some type of nerve issue, neuropathy stuff that they're doing.

They're treating him.

And right now,

thankfully, sitting in for him today is the great Russell Peters, everybody.

Hey.

I'm sure the people watching us are going, who?

Or why the fuck him?

No.

You're beloved, man.

You are beloved.

By comics.

Yeah, but I mean, I think.

For real people, no.

You don't think real people love you?

I think it's 50-50.

I think it's split pretty decently.

Really?

Yeah, it's half hate, half love.

But isn't that mean that you've actually made it?

I could be.

I don't think that people who are...

Like, usually the most beloved comedians are comedians who haven't quite hit yet.

Right.

That's who's beloved.

Like, they're kind of ascending.

People are like, we want them to get a shot.

Right.

And then when, like, once you're like, once you get the shot, then the people go, oh, fuck this guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, like, it's like when people are like, oh, I used to like Eminem before people knew who he was.

You're like, okay, shut up.

Calm down there.

What is, by the way, you are, I think, I've told this before many times publicly that you're one of the people that like.

If I had to say like the things that I identify that like, you know, make up what I am, who, what I like, I would definitely list hip-hop music in there and then i'm like yeah and then i met russell peters and i was like oh i guess maybe i don't like hip-hop because i don't know a fucking one one hundredth of your your knowledge of hip-hop is absolutely astonishing you know the ironic part is i don't really listen to it really yeah i generally listen to gent and just probably classic rock most of the time really yeah i love hip-hop as a culture as a culture as a culture because it's part of your foundation it made me who i am yeah made me dress a certain way walk walk a certain way talk a certain way dance i've seen you dance dance a certain way and i've seen you dj dj a certain way do you still get on the twin absolutely do you do i thought you're gonna have a set set up you're not like we're gonna get busy no but i've seen you do it many times yeah it's fun yeah so do a party for you guys one day what is because i've i find this fascinating specifically about eminem and i'll say this eminem almost like to the point we were just saying about you know being having made it right has people who go i love this guy a whole bunch of people that will be like I hate this guy, like, hate somebody.

Yeah, you're like, wow.

And then every time there's like

the two things I've heard about the criticism and then in defending them, people will be like, oh, they ain't, they ain't playing Eminem in the hood.

Like, they're not, you know, but, but then, every time an elite MC is in a radio interview, like fucking Rakim or somebody, they will all be like,

Eminem is like, he is either, they'll either say, either say he's the greatest or this is one of the greatest of all time.

This guy's incredible.

Yeah, they all say he's in a different, different lane.

What's your take?

Same?

I think Eminem's dope.

I mean,

does he make some flop albums?

Sure, but who doesn't?

Yeah.

It's not like everybody's banging out bangers every month.

No.

You know, he takes his time.

He sits and waits until he gets some ideas and he comes back.

He doesn't need to do it.

That's why.

He does it just for like...

He does it just because he reminds you, but I can still do this.

Yeah.

And I'm super creative, and yeah, I'm super.

He's a recluse, though, like, it doesn't leave his house, he's just in Detroit, just yeah, he's somewhere in Michigan, somewhere in Michigan.

Every time I play like Windsor, you played Windsor, I call Royce, and I'm like, Royce, why don't you come to the show?

He's like, I'll come, why don't you call Marshall?

He just sends me laughing emojis.

And I go, what?

He goes, Marshall ain't coming there.

Yeah, Marshall's not crossing the border to come to see you, dumbass.

Staying at his house.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you a recluse?

No.

You used to go.

When I started a tour with you, I should inform people that you're one of the

people that

showed me how to do this, like how to be a touring comedian,

how to fucking treat people.

Like you were extremely, always been extremely generous.

You treated everybody with respect.

You put on great shows, big shows.

And so, like, you're somebody who I was like, oh, this is like, this is how to be.

Like,

you need examples.

Right.

You know, like, you have an example.

And

I would tour with you, go all over the place.

I feel like you're a bit of an extrovert, though, right?

Because you really aren't.

You know, I like people.

You like people.

I like people, but I don't leave my house very often when I'm home.

Just because I'm like, I'm never home.

So, you know, when you're home, you're like, well, I might as well just stay here.

I paid for this.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, that's true.

And you have a nice house.

It's a decent one.

I moved back to the Malibu house that you came to.

Really?

Yeah.

That's where I introduced you to Big Daddy Kane the first time.

That is where you introduced me to Big Daddy, which was one of the the more surreal moments I've ever experienced.

That was like one of those, oh, this is what, like, there's these things.

That was when you were a big-headed hairy Tom.

You had hair and a big head.

Big head.

But there's like these things like when you hear Hollywood stories, you know what I mean?

Like, so-and-so, and then I got the call, and then I showed up, and then they were like, you got the part.

It was like my version of that, where I,

my first special came out.

I talk about Big Daddy Kane.

Then one day, because I lived in this really weird guest house that I was renting in Redondo, I would always just get voicemails.

Like the phone wouldn't ring, it would just be like voicemail.

Yeah.

And I'm just like, it would be for everybody.

Everybody would just go straight to voicemail.

And I press play and it just goes, Sup, Tom?

This is Big Daddy Kane.

What the fuck?

I'm chilling at your boy Russ's house.

Like, I still remember the message.

And then you were like, Yeah, you should come over.

And I just was like, I have, I have to go do this.

Yeah, well, you know how it happened.

Kane was staying with me and he said,

Hey, Russ, you know this guy, Tom Segura?

But the way he said, I was like, oh, shit.

What did he do?

I go, yeah, of course I know Tommy.

He goes, he's a funny dude.

I go, oh, okay.

He did a joke about me.

I liked it.

And I said, oh, let's call him.

That's amazing.

That's exactly how that happened.

Yeah.

I still stay in touch with him.

I still have my Sub Kane t-shirt.

Yep, Sub-Kane.

Sub Kane.

Yeah, people yell that to me.

He says it gets yelled at him all the time.

Yeah, that was fucking, that was such an amazing moment.

You took me to London.

That was fun.

You've done the O2 on your own now, right?

No, I've only done Wembley.

Oh, only.

Oh, yeah.

I do.

I just did.

I'm thinking I'm doing Wembley again next year.

It was great.

Wembley's fun.

Should you do the O2 now, just, you know, as a

revisit.

Next year,

it'll be your 15th anniversary of doing it.

That's funny.

The reason we couldn't get O2 on this tour was scheduled.

Because these things, like, people don't realize, especially with the big venues.

Oh, yeah.

They're just like, oh, no, it's not available.

You just can't have it.

You're like, okay, yeah,

you can have it in uh next fall, and you're like, That's not, I'm not going to be there.

Then, yeah, yeah, they always try to that's a thing, and also the bigger the name, the more likely you are to get bumped down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Taylor Swift just bought the arena for a month and a half.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, I had a kind of a surreal thing with that where I'm

have this tour lined up, and then I get a call, and they're like, Hey, are you willing to move this

date at this one arena?

And I'm like, why

iron maiden wants it and i'm like no i love iron maiden no but i was like i'm not just like giving it up i'd lose it to iron maiden no they're like well you get some kickback like and i was like tell me and then they told me and i was like no that's not enough oh that's not a kickback that's more of a here's here's a dollar kid thanks for holding the door for me um is there a place you hate to to tour i've i've been like very vocal about

Where do you hate?

I got like on the news in Erie for talking about Erie, Pennsylvania.

Yeah, I was like, like, fuck this.

I mean, it's Erie, Pennsylvania.

What the fuck else do they got going on?

You know who's from Erie, Pennsylvania?

I know weird facts apparently about Erie.

There's a newscaster named Maria Sanson that used to be on Fox 11 and now she's somewhere in Boston.

She's from Erie, Pennsylvania.

But I knew that because there's a porn star named Rebecca Bardot that's from Erie, Pennsylvania, too.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Have you met these two women?

Well, I banged Roberta.

What's her name?

Rebecca before.

Really?

Yeah.

How was she?

Crazy.

Can you look it up?

She's an older one, so you know, I have a little...

I don't like young girls.

I can't see her on our bigger screen.

Okay.

Oh, nice.

I like them old like that.

You like them old?

Older, yeah.

That's why your mom's on the table for me.

I'm scared.

Holy shit.

So crazy.

I'll show her one bear.

Nice.

Okay.

How'd you meet the...

Did you meet her online?

How'd you meet her?

No, I don't know how I met her.

Probably from Yoshi.

Oh, my God.

You know, if you're going to meet a porn star, it's going to be from Yoshi.

He's the perfect conduit.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Has he introduced you to a bunch?

He's a come-do it.

Yeah, he's a come-do-it.

Oh, he's introduced me to a bunch.

I remember one night I had,

this was like maybe 17 years ago, I had,

for some reason, Yoshi had brought Joey Silvera to

come see me perform.

Yeah.

And Joey and I were buddies already, so that was cool.

But then Rocco Safredi showed up.

Yes.

And this other guy, I forgot his name, he used to do these smothering videos for Evil Angel where girls would just sit on your face and then until you couldn't breathe.

And you'd see the guy from

legs kicking, like, so she has to get off his face.

But anyway.

That's nice.

Yeah.

Family, family viewing.

And so we ended up, me, Rocco Safredi, Joey Silvera, and this other porn guy at In N Out.

And I'm like, I look at him, I go, you know, guys, this is the most ironic thing ever.

Just three porn stars and me at In and Out of all fucking places.

I know.

It's a perfect California get-together.

Rocco came to the taping I did with you he was at that in oh in english the showtime one no no

yeah that's the one i'm talking about oh yeah that night that night oh that night you went it was that night you were on that yeah i was on that yeah i forgot to put you on that yeah yeah that was um russell peters presents or something

but um was that 20 2007 no that's eight nine nine yeah early nine

um

what okay but so wait is there a shit place though is there a place where you're like i fucking i don't want to go there um just let them have it.

Let them have it.

There's nowhere that stands out in my mind.

Really?

Yeah, there's places I.

There's nowhere really that I haven't.

There's been places I've not enjoyed as much as others, but like

that happens.

But I don't know.

I can't, like, they're not coming to me.

Now, you do, like, you do incredible, you're an incredible mimic.

You do so many impressions.

Like, you know, you can do accents really well.

Is there, I feel like, like, for myself, when you go impression, it's not part of my stand-up, but I'm just saying, in life, there's things that come naturally to you.

Like, you just go, oh, I can do that one.

Oh, yeah, I do it right back to people immediately if I hear it.

Is there one that was tough to crack, but then you got it?

Like, you couldn't, you couldn't.

I never worked on them.

Really?

It just.

It either happens or it don't happen.

So it's the same kind of thing.

Yeah, it's kind of like, you know, I'm not going to.

Because if you're working at it, then what am I doing, a character?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm really just like, you know, I talk to you and, you know, what,

even if it's just an American accent, but if they have a wimpy voice, a deep deep voice whatever i just i tend to just repeat exactly what i just heard and for the foreign ones it's just like that too same thing so you use people just oh he does accent i go i just i just do what i hear yeah you know but you also pick up on the whole thing is you pick up on like the social

aspects of that culture like you have a you don't just do a voice yeah yeah no you got it well if you're also doing a voice your body has to change Okay, you can't just do an Indian voice and be straight like, hello, everybody.

How's it?

But your head at your whole body, hello, everybody.

And then if it doesn't do this, if it doesn't flow, then you go, what the fuck are you doing?

Because Because this is what they do.

It's what we do.

Yeah, yeah.

That's why you never have to worry about India working on AI robots because you know how hard to make a robot do this?

You need to be on a gimbal.

Yeah.

No, that one is.

Yeah, the Indian, obviously, the Indian one.

Have you done India yet?

I've never done it.

You should do it.

I've done a lot.

I've done South Africa.

It's great.

Yeah, I've done a lot of Western Europe.

I've done

Hong Kong, Singapore, Tokyo, macau in asia that's like my extent of asian touring you've done fucking this podcast sponsor changed the way i live my life and that is cigars international the go-to retailer for all things cigars with the biggest selection of premium handmade cigars available anywhere cigars international offers unbeatable deals and discounts making it easy to stock up on your favorites or try something new without breaking the bank with fast shipping and their 100 satisfaction guarantee you can shop with confidence knowing that Cigars International stands behind every order.

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

No.

Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action, aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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You've done all girls.

You've done the Middle East.

I've never done it.

Yeah, the Middle East.

No, I have.

Well, I've done Abu Dhabi.

Hey, you did it last year?

Earlier this year.

This year, yeah.

That's May, right?

That's the first time.

Sorry, that's my first time going there.

Etihad?

I opened up that arena.

You did?

I was the first guy in there.

That must have been...

It was in 2021.

It was during pandemic.

Can I tell you that, like, after, so they gave me the, you know, the pre-game speech of like, don't talk about Islam.

yeah don't talk about the royals yeah and like don't be fucking gross and i was like i can help you with two of those but i'm just gonna be gross yeah and um you could tell that like it's a release you could see oh yeah the people like when i'm saying things like actually cheering like the guy they're they're enjoying it right and then afterwards i'm back in like the dressing room and then somebody comes in and they're like hey um

some of the royals would like to say hello and i just was like like just kind of front Yeah.

They do?

And they're like, yeah, do you want to come down here?

Okay.

I go out in this room.

And a lot of times these post-show meet somebody things are bare.

Like it's empty.

Yeah.

But like I get in front of the, you know, the backdrop thing for the photo.

And I suddenly there's like 40 people in the room.

I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

And then these three

gorgeous girls walk up and I'm like, who's this?

They're like, these are the royal daughters.

And I'm like, oh, fuck.

And I did this thing where, like, normally you're like, hey, like, arms around your arms in front of you.

And I was like, I do that too.

I was like, hello.

And I was like, scared.

I was like, I'm sorry about what I did.

And they're like, no, we enjoyed it.

I was like, okay, I get, am I in trouble?

And they're like, no, everything's fine.

We loved it.

We can't wait to see you again.

I was like, okay.

And I just wanted it to like wrap up.

I still felt scared.

I was like, that happened to me at one of my shows in Abu Dhabi years ago.

One of the princesses came back to say hi, and she was beautiful.

Beautiful.

I was just like,

what

and i i couldn't i was like and she had like uh all female security team yeah yeah and they all had automatic weapons underneath their um burqas uh-huh but you could see the strap and you could see the guns sticking out and i was like oh shit yeah and they didn't look like like like girls that are like oh my god how do i fire this they look like let's go motherfucker yeah yeah and uh but she was really sweet and very kind they're very sweet they're very sweet and they make you feel very comfortable yeah every royal person i've ever met is all the same those know how to make you feel like oh oh, they take your defense down because you're like, hey, don't worry about all the formal stuff.

Let's just be people, right?

Let's just be people, yeah.

Well, you have the best story ever about King of Jordan.

That was cool.

That was a cool story.

It's my buddy.

That's and then Prince Charles, I met him.

What was he like?

Same thing?

Yeah,

I meet him at this function in London, and he's like,

Where's the Indian detective?

And I go, oh,

he goes, Russell Peters.

He talks very like that.

And sounds like my dad almost.

Your dad have that?

British?

British with an Indian twang to it, but not heavy.

It was pretty good.

So we're walking, me and Prince Charles, and I got my hands in front of me.

Yeah.

And he's got his bloated hands in front of him.

Have you seen his hands?

Yes.

They're fucking disgusting.

In person, it's even worse.

Yeah.

They look like blood sausages.

They do.

Is that just gal?

Yeah, look at that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So

we're walking, and Camilla's walking behind us.

And I go, oh, sir, do you want your wife to walk with us?

He goes, oh, no.

It's like, he's a real guy.

Yeah, he's a real guy.

He's like, I've had enough of that.

That was the nicest way of saying, fuck that bitch.

That's fucking amazing.

Look at those little sausages.

Oh, yeah.

It kind of makes me want a sausage.

Yeah.

Imagine if he pricks his finger, he'll flood the place.

Oh, my God.

He just deflates.

What that is, is that

explain what are what are they?

Is that gout?

That's some sort of circulation thing, retaining fluid, right?

Caused by

have you done this update for fuck's like, I can't find shit on it anymore.

No,

oh, there they are.

I like how it keeps saying, Do you want to know about his fingers?

Yeah, like, yeah,

what is it?

Click with your fat fingers.

Let me show you this photo.

Okay.

All right.

Well, we learned absolutely fucking nothing from this article.

Do you want to know?

And then it just tells you like all the possible things that could be like, so do we.

Do we know?

No.

But we got you to click this thing.

Here.

Okay.

This is you guys.

And there's those little digits.

Oh, he's holding a drink, too.

He's holding.

Water, I think.

Oh, that's lame.

I mean, I'm saying water because, you know.

Yeah, you look sharp, buddy.

I don't want to get killed by the royal family.

Where is this?

In England.

But I mean, is this at a royal place?

No, it was at a function in London.

They wanted me to perform some South Asian cabinet thing.

I don't know.

And Katy Perry was there.

I was there.

Prince Charles was there.

Wow.

That's wild.

And I bombed.

You did?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I bombed.

Anytime there's music, I always feel like this is going to be.

Well, she didn't perform.

She was just there.

But they were just so stuffy in that room.

Yeah,

and I said to Prince Charles, I said, Hey, man, I'm a big fan of your family.

I even got your mom on my money

because I was Canadian money.

Yeah, anyway.

Listen, guys, you wonder why I bombed.

Did you hear the fucking jokes on stuff?

Are you going to Middle East anytime soon?

I think so.

Well, if it's still there, yeah.

If it's still well, how are we going to resolve this?

You've been there.

I mean,

fix it.

I think we know who needs to fix, and I'm not going to get into that fucking fucking

bag of monkeys there.

Well, who's causing it?

Okay.

Depending on what side of the fence you're on, you're going to think somebody started it.

I don't know who started.

I don't know.

I don't even know.

Where do I know?

I'm just asking the guy questions.

I don't know if I can.

I don't want to go down this road either, you know?

What is, okay, of those, like,

of those cultural things, is.

Oh, by the way, I shot my last special in Abu Dhabi at the Atiyat Arena.

You did?

Yeah, last year in November.

Oh, shit.

I don't know where it is, but it's, we've sit in the can somewhere.

Oh, it's not even.

It's not even on.

We're just fucking sitting on it.

Why?

I don't know.

Ask my brother.

Should we call him?

You should call him and ask him.

Should we call him right now?

Call him.

Go on there.

Go for it.

This will be fun.

He'll answer your call.

He's calling and be like, where the fuck is Russell?

He said he said he was supposed to be here.

Is that number?

The 310 one?

Yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no.

No, the other one?

Okay, hold on.

I don't even think that 310 exists.

Really?

416?

That's the one.

Keeping it real.

Face-tamming him?

Should I FaceTime him?

No, whatever you want.

Hello.

Hi.

May I speak to Clayton Peters, please?

Speaking?

Clayton, this is Tom Segura.

I'm sitting with your client, Russell.

And

we're on the air.

So just giving you a heads up, don't say the N-word.

I just wanted to ask you:

where is

Russell's special?

Why haven't we seen it?

Why is it not streaming on platforms all over the world?

He said he shot it at the Etihad Arena in Abu Dhabi.

He did.

We did.

And we ran into all kinds of complications on it.

Our financial partners defaulted and left us holding the bag.

And then that led to a whole string of other problems in terms of chain of title, etc., etc.

We finally put it up for distribution.

It's with this agent right now, and we're waiting to hear back.

If we don't get any traction on it, uh, watch for it coming soon on uh, on YouTube and/or pay-per-view and/or both.

Okay, uh, but it's been a shit show, I'll tell you that.

We've had a lot of trouble.

Well, he made me call you, I made him call you, he made me call you to get that answer.

I told him to ask you where I was to make you believe I wasn't here yet.

Yeah, he's here, he was on time and everything.

I know, I got a text, I was shocked.

Amazing, I was shocked.

You know, it's funny, we pull in at 11:59.

I go, fuck, I'm dead ass on time.

Dead ass on time, dude.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, there'll be some more follow-up questions with other business inquiries later, okay?

All right, man.

Take care, guys.

Thank you, Clayton.

Beautiful.

All right.

He gave a very, like, very

brother gets very businessy.

You know how he is.

He's very business.

We're the complete opposites of each other.

Yeah.

It's a good, it's a good pairing.

You need that.

You don't want two people.

You don't want to fuck me and another me.

Yeah.

We're not getting anything done, buddy.

Nothing will get done.

We're barely getting through this podcast with me being me.

Now I know why Bert's here, so he could laugh anytime to fill time.

He mean to talk?

All he does is talk.

What happened to him?

He's sick?

I guess, yeah.

But he's in the hospital.

He's okay.

He's not in ICU.

He's just getting like general care.

Okay.

His liver's fucking up on him.

Yeah, he's had like a lot.

He had a kidney transplant.

Really?

Yeah.

He had a kidney transplant and he had like, I guess they drain livers sometimes.

I don't know.

There's a way of cleaning them somehow.

Yeah, they did something like that to him.

And then I know he had his spine, spinal fluid was drained.

My back's been fucked up.

Maybe you should hit him up.

He's had a lot of operations.

I had to cancel work a couple of weeks ago.

For real?

Yeah, I canceled the whole weekend because I couldn't walk.

I was walking with a cane.

No shit.

And how did it get resolved?

Just, I rested it.

My lower back was from sitting on planes.

Those fucking seats are uncomfortable as hell.

You got to get a bed on a plane.

Yeah.

And every time I'd get out of bed, I'd have to grab the cane.

I'd look at it, say, sub cane, and then I'd go to the bathroom.

I call it a callback, guys.

It is a callback.

Wait, I want to ask you, because I'm genuinely interested in this.

Because you've done all this world, you've done, you're like the global comedian.

Is there, like,

like when I did Europe and I did, um, oh my God, where, where do they speak Flemish?

Oh, Belgium.

So I was in the Flemish side.

That crowd, when I,

they were were like i would finish uh a bit and then at the end of the bit they would go yeah and then i would start the new bit and then you'd hear like very little chuckles and then you get to the end of it and i would get applause i was like huh like is there i never did the flemish side i don't think you did the french side yeah i did whatever side understood english uh did you ever have you encountered cultures that have like you know left an impression on whether like they're really like big laughers or

really i love lebanon i love beirut it's amazing really but the shows were always like it's it's all lebanese there's no there's nobody else there yeah

so

if you're not talking about them they're like

but then as soon as you you make it up mention them bam i even even if i did an indian joke they wouldn't get it because i'm like i don't understand

this is a long time ago but uh i had a great time there though really you ever been there man never it sucks what they're doing to it right now but yeah um but that place is amazing did not know that so good um and

asia you've done all of asia all of asia and when you do in when you do india because you're also you know one of them you're one of those guys

uh do you make it a do you like make the show more about them because you have so much not necessarily no

i mean i can pick up local references yeah like you know just but just for like the just for that moment not like i don't write an entire a show for them no do that can you do other

like the in the same way like india is is indian people yeah but india is one of those places where they're really smart like india was the one country in the world and i'm not saying this because i'm indian but it was the one country when i internationally where i go on stage and i could talk at exactly the same pace and say the exact same slang words that we use right now yeah and they're right on it really yeah they're right on it they're sharp as fuck oh that's why they're gonna be a superpower in the next three years Yeah, man.

We just got to get used to it.

It's tough.

I know if you're watching, you're like, fuck.

We already infiltrated Christina's family.

Yeah.

I know.

She's a big fan.

She knows him well.

She knows him well, dude.

She lived with a guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was fucking stepdad.

Yeah.

B-Y-O-B.

Bring your own brown guy.

How about the fact that, like, In the time that we've known each other and like...

I've known you since you lived in Florida.

No, I was living living in California.

Oh, you just happened to go back, right?

I was just taking

that really cool system where the improvs were like, Yeah, we'll give you a middle week.

Uh, you got to buy your own airfare, which is $500, and you'll make $700 for the week, but go for it.

Yeah, and so I was like, Okay, tires matter, they're the only part of your vehicle that touches the road.

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That's how I met you in the speech.

I remember how apprehensive you were when I first met you.

Really?

Yeah.

You were so like.

I was like, hey, how you doing?

I'm Russell.

He goes,

I am Tom.

And you were really like shy shy almost.

Really?

But then after a show or two, and I said, man, you were fucking funny.

He was like, oh, thanks.

It was like, I think you weren't sure about me.

And I probably was.

You were a little hesitant back then.

I was probably...

You're also young then.

How old are you then?

Oh, yeah.

How old are you now?

45.

Oh, yeah.

Shit.

Yeah, you would have been much younger then.

Yeah.

When I met you, that would have been...

2007?

Six?

Yeah, I was like 27, 28, man.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So there's like, you're hesitant, you're not confident, you don't know how the week's gonna go, you don't know if the heideliner is gonna like you, yeah, yeah, you don't know how the crowds are gonna be, and you didn't know me, like, you didn't know me from Adam.

Like, you were like, this fucking guy's in here sold out.

It's, I never heard of him.

Who is this guy?

Yeah, so I'm sure you were like, what the fuck is going on here?

I kind of, yeah, that is true.

I definitely was.

Because when they told me I got a week, first of all, you're just so happy to get a week period.

And then I was like, who am I working with?

And they're like, Russell Peters.

And I was like, who is that?

And then

somebody was like, oh, somebody told me one of of the comments like oh no he's great and uh and then it was like all the shows are sold out and also

then when i got with with you you're like oh yeah this is just like a like a warm-up week i'm just like running stuff i was like huh i thought all the shows are sold out and you're like yeah this is what i do before i go to like my shows this is just like

I think I was just doing, I hadn't started doing arenas yet.

I was about to start doing arenas that year, I think.

Yeah.

In 2007, I started doing arenas.

That's pretty crazy.

It's not pretty wild, right?

Yeah, that's pretty wild.

I'm doing Scotiabank Arena on December 14th in Toronto.

Yeah.

That's going to be my ninth time doing it.

I just did it last weekend.

Yeah.

Who opens for you?

I mix it up.

That show, I brought Jordan Jensen and Jeff Tate.

Jeff Tate?

Wait, I haven't seen Jeff Tate in forever.

Jeff Tate's great.

He lives in Portland now.

He was a Cincinnati, he's a Cincinnati native, but he lives in Portland.

Jordan lives in New York.

They're both fucking hilarious.

Oh, good.

And they legit crushed that show.

That was a really fun audience.

Yeah, they're good.

My city can be

good people.

Yeah, those glasses are really nice.

Keep staring at them.

What are they?

I don't know.

I can't read.

I legit can't even see what...

Past me.

Fuck face.

Yeah.

I'm over here.

I don't.

Did your vision deteriorate?

Mine has to be a sound.

Oh, mine's horrible.

Yeah.

I think it's the other side that has the name, though.

I'm trying.

Yeah, I can't see shit.

I can't see that.

I was playing like mom's going to see this thing.

How sad.

What a dad fucking moment that was.

Where I was like, here you go.

And we were both like,

I don't know.

I need my glasses.

I need my glasses.

I need to see the glasses.

Yeah.

Fucking super dads.

Hey, how are your kids now?

How are they?

Yeah.

They're fucking maniacs.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

They're both.

The older one's probably more chill than the younger one, though, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like me and my brother.

He's the older one.

Yeah, the older one.

Yeah, I was more level-headed.

He's more level-headed.

He also understands, he just really gets that, like, here's the exchange on something, you know?

And then he fucking manipulates.

Is he 11 now?

No, he's much younger.

He's eight.

He'll be nine in December.

I met him when he was an infant.

Yeah, you met him very young.

That's right.

We were in the

neighborhood for a walk.

You got him on a leash.

It was nice.

It was nice.

I come home the other day and he's like, hey, I'm like, oh, this is nice.

He's like,

big hug.

I used to hug dad.

Yeah.

And he's like, I love you, man.

And I go, I love you too.

too.

And he was like, so

Can I get some more Roblox for my Robux?

Yeah, Robux.

And I'm like, is that what the hug and kiss was all about?

He goes, I give you something.

You give me something.

That's like awesome.

Fucking hey, man.

My kid's five, my son, and he's

the other day.

I don't know where he gets his shit from the other day.

He goes, hey, he's obsessed with planes.

So we picked him up.

He's like, hey, daddy.

I want to go to Dubai.

I go, what?

Where'd you get that from?

He goes, how do you even know about Dubai?

I want to see the Burj Khalifa.

I'm like, what the fuck?

Really?

Yeah, and then I drop him off to his mom, and his mom goes to me, you know, he asked me if he wanted to go see the Burj Khalifa.

I go, wait, he just said that to me.

I go, I'm sure she's coaching him.

Yeah.

And tell me, you want to go on Emirates first class.

Yeah, well,

they hate long flights, right?

And so I took Ellis to the oldest to New Zealand to visit the Minecraft set because he loves Minecraft.

Well, how'd you fly?

We flew on

some fucking Emirates?

No, no, no, it was from Dallas.

So it was like, I don't know, it was a US carrier and it was fine, but it's fucking 18-hour flight.

Yeah.

And so then I told them about Etiad and I showed them like, you know, the little like apartment thing they give you.

And I was like, check this out.

And they were like, how come we didn't take that?

So they got a point.

I go, well, yeah, but they don't, that doesn't go the route that we did.

And they go, if we're doing long flights, I want that fucking like apartment.

I'm like, yeah, okay, cool.

So then they're like, Ellis has this really deep voice.

He does.

He's always like, hey, man.

But he does.

And then the other guy's like, hey, how are you?

He has like a little cartoon voice.

Yeah, he's six.

But anyway, then they're like, well, where does that where does that plane go?

I go, well, you could take a plane like that to like the Middle East or like, you know, Asia, you know, fucking Hong Kong, Japan.

And so now they're like, cool, that's where we want to go.

Like they just do like Singapore Airlines.

Singapore.

Singapore Airlines A380 first class sweets.

Fuck, it was the best.

Listen, I'm an Emirates guy, but that Singapore Airlines one kind of, as far as I was concerned, kind of beat Emirates on that.

It's the best of the best, right?

It's so good.

And if you get, say, you and Christina get the rooms side by side, the wall comes down and it becomes one big bed.

And you got this giant room.

Like about the size of this.

And then you can just bang in the sky?

You can bang in the sky if you're still doing that to each other.

And

look at that see that's when they got the double set up there and they're like i like that he's like fully clothed they're like this is yeah we enjoy our flight i don't know why he should have been wearing the pajamas they give you pajamas on board pajamas are nice pajamas are nice it's a real experience oh yeah i take my underwear i freeball that whole flight too yeah why why why let my balls get sweaty in my own underwear no just let them out yeah let them out dude um and that chair you see that recliner chair there um it has a button on it that turns it automatically but wherever you turn it and if you turn the tv on the TV will follow you.

It'll turn with you.

TV keeps moving with you.

Unbelievable.

Yeah, it's pretty wild.

They really know how to do it.

Yeah, it's good.

And the food's good and the service is good.

And the flight attendants all have open-toe shoes on and pretty toes.

Nice.

So for me, it's masturbation in the air.

Wow.

It's cool.

I said too much, guys.

That's cool.

Hey, I just got a text saying I'm banned from Singapore Airlines.

It's cool that they thought of that.

They're like, you know, it'll get these guys hard.

I do appreciate that, like, when we flew Etiad, the flight attendants were all attractive.

And I was like, let's bring this back.

You know,

it's not like when you fly Delta here where you're like, look at

Delta Burke.

Barbara fucking bringing her problems down the aisle.

The old flight attends are funny because you could tell like they're like

seasoned.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're.

You want to drink?

That's what they do it.

You thirsty?

And they're real casual with everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Taking off now.

Yeah.

It's not like that in those international carriers.

No, no, they're all very professional.

It's a whole other level.

Fucking love it.

It's good stuff out there.

It's real good stuff.

Yeah.

Wait, what was I going to ask you?

Oh, this is what I wanted to ask you.

So it was a thing when you popped.

I was like, you know, how did this happen?

And I think you and the general observation was that your stuff was cut up and put on YouTube.

And if you were to do that,

so what happened first was people, remember when people would email you a clip?

Yeah, it would just be audio, even?

It had chopped up and they would email people like, yo, listen to this.

And that's 2004.

They were doing that before YouTube started.

Wow.

And so they'd email you a three-minute clip, take you fucking 24 hours to download the thing.

Sure.

And then you'd hear it and people are like, I want more.

And then when YouTube started in June or May of 19 of 2005, somebody dumped the whole special on there.

So now people had a video

to the audio, and it was all in one place.

They didn't have to listen to it in sections.

And then that YouTube explosion, though, made things really change for you.

Well,

the file sharing is what started it.

Yeah, because

the

February of 2004, I did DePaul University for $700,

and only 13 people showed up.

Nice.

And I was like, oof.

And I felt bad because at that time, I was like, $700, that's a lot of money for a show.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

And I felt bad.

I was like, should i give them their money back i mean nobody showed up and but i gave them the full show and i went back to chicago like november of that same year and i did like a theater for three nights and i was like what the is going on i still didn't know what was going on you saw i still had no clue what was happening i'm just like people suddenly like me this is great no no clue no clue completely clueless i still don't even know how to upload to youtube do you I've done it before, but I haven't done it in years now.

Yeah.

Yeah, somebody, yeah.

But your promo shit's real good.

I don't, I i do my on my phone just like hey they that's them yeah they know how to do that they know you got a team now i don't have a team yeah

joe rogan's got a seal team and he's got a seal team he's got a seal team you got a i know you got a team i got you got the a team a team for sure these guys are good but you have well you have your brother yeah that's uh

team peters He fucking, he knew what was up.

He gave a very professional answer.

He's very, he's very, he's very professional.

Yeah.

By the way, he, when, when he called me yesterday to tell me what I'm doing today, he's like,

okay, so you're going to go to Segura, and then you're going to do a bunch of other ones there.

And remember, the focus of this is to promote the Relax tour that starts in Canada at the end of the month.

Make sure you, I'm like, okay, right.

I'm not a fucking idiot, all right?

Yeah, I knew you were going to say that.

Okay, so.

Okay, well, can we pull up the relaxed tour?

Can we pull up the relaxed tour, guys?

Did my brother send you any artwork for that?

Let's see.

Russell Peters.

Yeah.

There we go.

There we go.

Yay!

It's not that serious.

That makes sense.

Yeah, right.

There you go.

There you go.

All right.

So you guys got that?

So here we are promoting the Relaxed.

So you're what's your name of your new tour?

Come Together.

Okay.

And that one last one was Coming All Over.

I'm Coming Everywhere.

That's right.

Oh, you're hitting the road, bro.

Oh, yeah.

These are just like the Get It Ready.

The Get It it ready dates, and then there's the big ones there.

Yeah, I see that.

Can I tell you my big

there's Scotiabank?

I see it.

Didn't you just do Calgary a couple weeks ago?

I did.

I did it for the Great Upshaws.

I did it too.

Can I tell you the market that I learned about on the last tour, and I just did it again for them, that I'm like, man, this is fucking awesome.

In Canada?

Where?

Halifax.

Oh, yeah.

You don't know about Halifax?

I mean, I didn't before I went.

That's where the Underground Railroad ended.

No.

Yeah.

Harriet Tubman took him all the way to Nova Scotia to Halifax.

Really?

So if you go to a place called North Preston in Nova Scotia, it's like the black area.

Do you know that they're doing a documentary about her called Getting My Steps In?

No.

No, they're not.

I was going to say, I was going to say, that'd be amazing.

And Tyler Perry's directing it.

Harriet Tubman, played by Tyler Perry.

Oh, hey, honey, follow me.

Hey, baby, keep running.

Okay.

Wow.

Listen, so, but that place is fucking awesome, dude.

First of all, it's one of those places.

A lot of times, if you're American and you go, hey, I'm going to like

Calgary or Edmonton, you're like, yeah, it's just another city, right?

Like, you don't go like, oh, this is so fucking different.

Like, Toronto is like, we always, you know, it's Canada's New York.

It's just this huge metropolis, whatever.

But Halifax has its

really interesting maritime culture.

Like, it just feels,

but they've got a lot of soul out there, too.

It's very cool.

And the food's good out there.

Food's good.

People were great.

Did you buy lobsters at the airport?

I did not buy lobsters.

You know, you can buy live lobsters at the airport.

At the airport?

And they pack them and make a shipping ready for you.

They carry it on the plane.

Oh, did you know that

I was on news, on radio shows, all these people got mad at me in Quebec.

What'd you say?

Montreal.

That we were, I was, I think I was doing the podcast with Nick Swartzen.

Yeah.

And we were talking about, you know, just for laughs, which we'd done many, many times.

And it's, and for people who don't know, it's, you know, that, that has been this like, this benchmark of like,

I'm for real now.

Like, it's, it's a validation thing too, right?

So,

and just about, we were just talking about the festival and how

in the conversation about it,

how funny it was to us that, like, the first time you go, you're met by a guy who's picking you up who's like, you are in the

show.

And you're like, do you not speak English?

And he's like, some, yes.

And you're like, but do you live here?

He's like, or my life.

And you're like, how do you not?

And then the French Canadians were like, that is so fucking disrespectful.

How is that disrespectful?

I have no idea.

I was like, great, we got woke French people now.

Oh, dude, they were so mad.

They were so mad.

They're like, that is so disrespectful.

I'm like, dude, it just blows your mind because what happens is you go there, right?

As an American, you go there and you're like, wait, we're in Canada, right?

And yes, you know that like French is also a national language, but like.

Every Canadian you meet

goes like, I can count to 10, you know, like, but when you go to Montreal, you meet people who are so immersed in their own culture that they have like broken English.

Of course, it stands out to you.

Oh, yeah.

Like, well, now what's frustrating when I went last year to Quebec when I was in Montreal.

They used to have, so in Canada, everything has to be in English and French.

Right.

But in Quebec, it used to be French and English underneath.

Yeah.

Well, now they've.

X the English, so everything's in French.

I'm like, I go to a cafe, I go, what is that?

Because I knew what it said, but I wanted you to, no, I'm still in Canada.

Tell me what the fuck that says.

Yeah.

It said, pay in du shock a lot.

And then I'm like, what is that?

Pay into shock.

I go, no, what the fuck is that?

I'm getting so mad.

English.

Why is this not in fucking English?

Now tell him.

He's Canadian.

You give him the fucking business.

Give me the business because you guys fucked it up.

Because we respectfully put your shit on ours and then you disrespectfully took our shit off yours.

And now I don't know what the fuck I'm looking at.

I couldn't, like, to me, I

at the first time, it was beyond my comprehension.

I was like, wait a minute.

And I would sit with the the guy who was very nice, and I'd be like, You've lived here your whole life?

And they're like, Yeah,

yes.

And I'm like, Well, why don't you speak better English?

They're like, Because I live here, and French is how we live.

And I'm like, I just can't believe that you're in this country and that you can, the bubble is this suppressing where you could actually just go through your life not really doing English.

That to a lot of French Canadian people was beyond.

Like,

but it's just that was also your experience was my experience It's funny how people get mad at if you say what you saw.

I know like this is I'm telling the story from my from my honest my honest place and you're fucking shit It's fair.

Look, it's fair to to hear my version and go oh, you're ignorant.

I'm like, that's fine.

Yeah, you're like, yeah, I'm ignorant.

I I had no idea.

Right.

I literally had no idea.

Now I do.

I've gone back many times.

As a Canadian, it's frustrating just to watch them like slowly push us out, but we have to slowly put, put, big them up.

I'm like, hold on.

This is supposed to to be a fair exchange here yeah so we shaking hands and not even

they've come close a few times i remember separating the ceiling not really not really close kind of close no no no they still want the that would be such a fucking crazy thing if they split i mean i you know what i feel like texas could do that in the united states if they want texas probably has come the closest yeah i i because texas is the only place when i come here it's the only place that still feels like america really you know i mean like it doesn't matter where you are in texas yeah it's just it feels like that's how I picture America to be.

And that picture is dissipating around the country.

What is LA like now?

Because I feel like it changed from when I lived there.

It's definitely changed since you lived.

I don't go out much, and I don't wear jewelry when I go out.

It's fucking.

I don't go to fancy restaurants.

Really?

They got people watching you in restaurants now.

There's a lot of follow-home robberies.

Yeah.

And if you're going to follow me home, you're going to have a long fucking drive, pal.

Yeah.

Out to Malibu?

Yeah, because not only that,

I always take different ways.

I don't go the same way every time.

Yeah.

But that's to my ADD.

I'm just like, no, I want to go this way today.

I want to go that way today.

I think I want to go around the whole city before I go home, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's still nice out there, I bet.

The weather is.

There've been a lot of earthquakes lately, especially in Malibu.

Yeah.

When I left, right, when did I leave?

I left yesterday.

Are you a beach guy, though?

Do you know?

No, not at all.

Not at all.

I look at it, and that's it.

There it is.

And the water's cold.

It is.

Do you like cold water?

No.

I like cold water.

You do?

Yeah.

After the accident?

Do you do the cold plunge?

Yeah.

Often?

I I didn't this morning.

I did yesterday morning.

But you have one at home?

Yeah.

You fill it every day or?

Do I feel it?

Do you fill it?

It stays filled.

Oh, it stays filled.

And it stays icy?

Yeah.

It's

plugged into the wall, so it stays.

It's like a refrigerator.

Yeah.

It stays at 43, 40.

I've never done it.

You have to try it.

Yeah.

Do you do it naked?

No, because I don't want to see what it does.

Well, you won't see it after that.

So small.

It's already not a good starting point.

Yeah, Hispanic side never came in on that.

Nope.

No, I got my dad's dick.

Oh, you're welcome.

Isn't Segura a gift?

Oh, man.

Yeah, no, I do it in like shorts, like underwear or sweat trunk.

Yeah, but you do feel fucking amazing.

I don't know.

I know people get so sick of hearing about it, but you know, I will say.

I want to do it.

I think it would help my back.

It's good for inflammation.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Well, yeah, it definitely gets rid of inflammation.

I mean, yeah.

If you're inflamed, you won't be.

You do ride this high.

How long do you sit in there?

Three minutes.

That's a long time.

Breathe.

Yeah.

Just keep breathing.

And don't start at like 40.

Start at like 52 or something.

Then it just feels like you got in like a lake, you know, and you're like, woo!

But you can get through it.

And then if you want, you keep lowering it.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's fucking rad.

I think you'll like it.

I won't be doing it, but it's great to hear about it.

I do want to try DMT, is what I do want to try.

I got mushrooms in gummy form that are incredible

I did

mushroom chocolate mushrooms around Christmas time yeah

and you know it was the it's the little bar says take three pieces for a microdose yeah so I took three pieces that was too much for me three yeah I always whenever somebody tells you the what to take just go in half at least and I was like how much can be in there right it was like a little piece and for a rocher and uh and I was the only one on it and we went to a restaurant.

Fuck.

And there was like 10 people with me, my kids, everything.

And it kicked in right as we got in the restaurant.

Yeah.

So I can hear everybody's conversations around me.

And then everyone's like,

I'm like, I'm like, I started panicking.

I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

And then people are like, hey, what's good here?

What's shit?

I'm like, just fucking, just order your fucking food.

Don't talk to me right now.

Nobody fucking talked to me.

Just order your food.

I'll pay for it.

And everyone's like, what's his fucking?

Yeah, they thought I was having a meltdown.

I was like, just leave me alone.

I'm fucking tripping out.

Dude, I've had a friend who he gave me an oxy.

And then he's like, here you go.

He gave me two, actually.

And I'm like, okay, I'll take one, obviously, not taking two.

I take one and I'm on a plane and I'm like, ah,

and I'm just fucking drooling onto myself.

And I'm just, ah.

And I get off and I was like, yo, dude, I just took that on a flight.

He goes, do you take the whole thing?

I go, yeah.

It's a pill.

He's like, oh, yeah.

He's like, yeah, you should have taken that in half.

I go, fucking, you gave me two.

Why would I think to split it in half?

You think one is for now, one's for later.

Why don't he give me a four-day dose?

He gave me the fucking strongest one they make.

And I'm like, what the fuck?

What are oxies supposed to do, though?

Yeah, it's supposed to.

I mean, it's a pain pill, and it's supposed to have that effect, but he also gave me an extremely strong dose.

Like the horse pill, yeah, and I'm just fucking drooling off.

Give you the chlamydia pill of oxies.

It's fucking so strong.

I'm like, you think I was in a plane?

Like, how do I crush this thing up?

No.

Can I get a knife?

I still still have to.

Did I cut this pill?

I have to cut this.

You have a pill cutter?

Narcotic in half.

Do you mind?

Yeah.

This heroin in pill form.

Yeah, I did mushrooms for the first time about two years ago in.

Y'all right there?

Yeah.

You want one?

No, good.

Thanks.

What is that?

Are you doing nicotine?

Oh, wow.

Yeah, they're awesome.

I haven't done it.

Should try it.

I smoke cigars.

I'm good with that.

Oh, yeah, you do do your cigars.

I am a cigar guy.

No, I did it with a shaman in Amsterdam two years ago for the first time.

And

it was cool.

I did it laying down with a mask on, like an eye mask.

So it was a cool trip because you're just laying down and it feels like you're floating everywhere.

And you think you're dreaming at first, but then you realize you're tripping.

And then once you start, realize you're tripping, you start to enjoy it more, because you're like, okay,

this isn't real.

This is cool.

That mushroom gummy I told you, the first time I took it, I took it during the day.

before a flight again.

And I was like, I was, no, I enjoyed it.

And it was like, oh, this is a, it's a nice nice chill high the second time I did it I took it in bed and I had a I put an eye mask on and it was such a different experience with colors and movement like it felt like a proper trip as opposed to the other one where I was like oh I'm just like kind of high now you're just kind of dopey around the scenes yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it was well I saw myself dead

I was dead in New York on my head on the sidewalk my body on the street and everybody's around me crying and and uh and and and i'm and i'm i could see myself and i'm floating away from it and i'm laughing at them i'm like i'm not there anymore guys not what you're wasting your time for and then the only person i recognized was crazy legs from rock study crew crazy legs crazy legs was like running to get help and i go legs don't bother i'm i'm i'm and i just kept floating okay bye i just left i just i didn't i didn't even like stop to say i just kept floating away i just floated right away You have so many fucking hip-hop friends?

I'm an official Rocksteady Crew member.

I don't know.

Are you really?

I am, yes.

You have like a jacket?

I do have a sweatshirt that says says Rocksteady Crew and Brown Comic on the back.

Wow.

Legs gave me that

when he made me a member.

That's pretty fucking rad, dude.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

And your friends,

I'll tell you when I go, oh, I wish I was friends.

Your friends with Cedric, right?

Yeah, he was at my house two nights ago.

I think he's so fucking funny.

Next time you come down, you got to come over because we have these random nights where people come over, smoke cigars on the balcony and hang out.

Just shoot the shit.

So it was me, Cedric, David Justice, and Bentley Evans the other night.

You know, Bentley, he created martin and uh jimmy fox show jesus yeah so it was just the four of us talking that's great monday on my birthday sunday was my birthday mellie mel dropped by yeah hung out until like four in the morning it was your birthday yeah yeah happy birthday man yeah you know four years ago you sent me a pair of shoes from brunello cuccinelli and uh this year not even a text wow how old are you 54.

wow i think i texted you on your birthday earlier and i never got a response let me just double check that for you let's check the tape on this one guys um

Seg Eura.

Let's see.

Let's see.

Yeah, I text you on April 18th.

Happy birthday.

No reply.

Then May 11th, I sent you that photo.

Wait, what number are you texting, though?

I'm texting the right one.

You are?

Yeah, because I texted the right one.

And then I sent you that photo of you, me, Rogan, Burr, and Ian Edwards.

And you said, damn.

Wait, are you a 323?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

and then uh, and then June 8th, I text you, and you replied the next day.

That was nice of you.

And then, uh, in on August 14th, you asked me what the best hotel to stay in Toronto.

Did you stay at the one I suggested?

I did.

It's nice, right?

Yeah.

Oh, hey, Tom just sent me a happy birthday.

That's so nice of him.

You guys see Tom's cigar?

Tom, thanks for the message.

But the Cuccinellis are much better.

Fuck.

I got to get that address again.

I'll send it to you.

Okay.

Yeah,

I need the address.

So, Mike, wait,

both of our moms are casino moms.

Casino moms.

Your mom is.

I know you talk about her mental state, but your mom's still in physically in good shape.

She can get around.

She can get around.

Her mental's still there.

She's still manipulating.

Like, I saw the way, I saw your, like, she's hilarious.

She's very funny.

And

I love your relationship with her.

She's very funny.

My mom's still sharp in the head, but my mom, I just found a video of my dad's 70th birthday

party.

And it was 1995.

Wow.

And I was 25 in the video.

And my mom was my age.

My mom was 54 in this video.

Wow.

And I was like, holy shit, that's, but my mom at 54 looks exactly the same as she does at 83.

Yeah.

Like they just, my mom just packed it in as soon as she had the kids.

All right, that's it done.

No need to look like anybody anymore.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what women do.

But your mom stayed, you you know, she got a Hispanic mother.

She's gonna, you know,

they take a lot of pride in that stuff.

I don't know.

I don't think she puts a lot of effort into it, to be honest.

Uh, she looks good.

I sound creepy, but yeah, she looks good.

Okay, hey, guys.

What's your mom's name?

Charatine, charo, charo, charo is a nickname for Rosario.

Her name is Rosario, her birth name is Rosario, yeah.

And everybody whose birth name is Rosario, which, um, yeah, it's uh, it's they call it.

I mean, I can see how she was a catch back in the day.

She was beautiful.

I have um nudes.

Photos

of her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's definitely not her there.

I have that t-shirt.

I have some good ones.

I'll send you some better charo pics.

Yeah, please, which is good.

Yeah, I'll send you some good ones.

Yeah.

How's her feet?

Good feet?

Not now.

I mean, as they get older, they get more crazy.

I'm getting fucking weird on this thing, guys.

It's okay.

People are going to be like, can you bring back Bert?

That creepy brown guy was terrible.

Believe me, they're not saying that.

What ethnicity is your wife?

Filipino.

Nice feet?

Very nice feet.

Really?

Yeah.

That's actually why I noticed her.

You saw her feet first?

Yeah.

Where were you?

At Nordstrom.

Was she trying on shoes?

She was.

I was walking by and I was like, damn, look at that girl's feet.

And then she caught me looking and I didn't know what to do.

So I went, I just winked at her and then I walked away.

And then?

And then her sales guy is my sales guy.

He goes, you know who that is, right?

She goes, no.

He goes, that's that comedian Russell Peters.

She goes, I don't know.

I don't watch comedy.

I'm like, what?

Really?

And yeah, now that I'm married to him, I'm like, ah, yeah, you don't watch comedy.

You miserable bitch.

Just kidding, babe.

Don't, don't get mad.

But keep that in.

Oh, there's Charlie.

Which one?

Leaning forward.

With the blonde?

Or on the ground?

The one leaning forward.

Or leaning forward.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

That's Charlie.

Trying to see who.

Do you look like her?

Are you an only child?

No, I have two sisters.

She's very dark there, by the way.

Yeah, well, it's the Peru.

Well, they used to just lay in the sun from like 9 a.m.

Yeah.

Now she has some pre-skin cancer.

This photo is great because

this is like the 60s, it looks like.

Yeah, this is definitely back in the day.

68 or something.

Her sister, Blanca, is sitting on the ground.

Yeah, Blanca's pretty good, though.

Blanca's very pretty.

And then her best friend who adored my mother, who died, is look how she's admiring my mom.

Yes, it looks because she has a crush on your mom.

Yeah, that's Chado Figati, also Chado.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Oh, they're all uh peruvian women there yeah they're all smoking yeah they like the one that admires your mom looks like a white girl and then it looks like uh karen carpenter on the ground uh-huh

and uh the lady smoking looks she's about to rip one right after

i know she does look like that yeah that's a

bunch of peruvian ladies right there

yeah

Fucking

most are dead.

Yep.

That's what happens to them.

Yeah, they just die.

It's kind of the end of the run.

Yeah, it's the end of the run.

They just die.

Speaking of which, how is Christina?

Oh, yeah.

She's alive.

She is alive.

Where is she?

She's home right now.

Well, I think she had radiation today,

localized radiation.

And then she's like, you know, after

four or five, she said it gets tired.

Yeah, she gets tired.

So she'll rest.

She'll take it easy today.

And what is this TV show you're doing now?

So I'm in pre-production.

It's been fucking crazy.

As soon as we wrap here, I go over to the production office.

We start shooting next Wednesday.

Yeah, I know.

I saw you had to cancel this.

Yeah, it's been, yeah, because like we, I know, and people were like, why don't you cancel that thing and do the dates?

I'm like, it doesn't really work like that.

So, yeah, we're shooting in Austin.

Right.

We'll shoot for about six weeks.

The show is basically every episode has three short stories.

So kind of like, remember the old Twilight Zone?

Yeah.

That type of presentation, but they're short stories that are dark.

So 10-minute stories, three of them?

Kind of like that, yeah.

Some of them are very in length.

Like one episode, we have a 15-minute story, and then like a five-minute story.

So some of it, yeah.

There's no

rule to it, just this is what we plan on doing.

Yeah, exactly.

So they're all, I mean, everything's obviously written, ready to go.

We start shooting Wednesday.

Excited?

I'm super excited.

And you wrote the whole thing.

I wrote it.

I wrote with a,

I got a writer's room with like great, great writers.

So I brought in a bunch of them, and then that room made everything better.

And then there's also original ones that came from that room, from being in the room together.

But it was, yeah, I get to direct a few of them, which I'm excited.

Really?

You're excited?

You want to direct?

Yeah.

You really want to direct?

The thing is that this is a perfect place

to because it's yours.

Well, it's also mine.

And

it's not like, hey, I'm directing this movie to start.

I'm directing a short story.

Yeah.

It's like directing a short film.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's an open mic.

Yeah, so I get to do like, I don't know.

The first one I do is like six or seven pages.

The next one is like, I'm doing one, like eight page one, and the next one's like six page.

So it's like a stepping into that and like, yeah, if I fucking hate it, I'll know and it won't be like, oh, because I directed a movie, I directed this thing.

So that's a lot of work.

It's work.

It is work.

I mean, I'm in everything except for like one.

So it's a lot of work.

You're number one on schedule, too.

Yeah.

You're number one on schedule.

And then you guys, if you're going to direct, you're going to be number one and directing.

You're going to be beat.

Yeah, it's going to be long, long days.

I mean, I'm saying it in a good way, but it's just like people that don't know, like, this shit is exhausting.

Yeah, it wears you out for sure.

But I think I've always loved, you know, features and I love, like, I love this world.

So for me.

You haven't done much acting, though, right?

Not much.

No, I've done a few parts and things, small parts over the years.

But yeah, I'll be acting a lot in this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're going to like it.

I think so.

When it's yours, it's different.

Big time.

Yeah.

Because you really understand it.

You're like, I know exactly what I'm doing.

Because you've had your shows.

I've done some stuff.

I think crazy.

Do you like it?

It's okay.

I mean,

it's a lot of work.

And the payoff's just not there anymore.

Yeah.

And I mean, I look at it as, well, I could stand here and work for a month and a half for 14 hours a day, six days a week.

Or I could go do a weekend and make way more money than I did in this month and a half of my entire life being wasted.

That is crazy.

I know.

I remember I, yeah, I've had one time I was, I was shooting one, a movie, small part, but they needed, you know, they're like, you got to be here for like three weeks or whatever.

Yeah.

And for the three weeks, I was like, man, this is, they really don't pay you shit.

Yeah.

And so I just did one show and I was like, oh, I

like just supplemented my salary by more than double.

Yeah.

It's, it's one of those things where you're like, okay, I'm doing it for the love.

But you have to, that's the thing.

You have to love it.

So, I mean, yeah, like if my friends are doing something, they're like, you want to do it?

yeah.

But if, like, they're like, hey, they want you to audition.

I'm like, I'm good.

Yeah.

Someone, so-and-so wants to know if you want to, is it an open audition or are they asking for me?

Well, they're open to you.

I'm going to

do it.

Yeah.

Offer.

I've been fucking doing this shit 35 years now.

I don't want to.

I'm sick of jumping through hoops.

Fuck it.

You know, either

you know what I do.

You know who I am.

You want me or you don't want me?

I don't give a shit.

35 years?

35 years since 89.

Wow.

That is.

I first did Just for Laughs in 96.

Wow.

That was a good year.

That was when Just for Laughs would like still.

That's when Chicken got a deal.

That year?

Yeah.

Tell people the chicken story real quick.

Chicken was this guy.

He was a comic called himself Chicken.

Did he dress up in a chicken suit, I think?

I think he had a either did that or didn't he have like a prop chicken with him?

Something like that.

He got a million-dollar deal.

It was the last million-dollar deal they gave at Just for Laughs.

And then he killed himself a few years later, right?

Yeah.

Good story to end on.

I mean, you know.

Did he hang himself?

Because that'd be even funnier if he choked his chicken.

I believe he did.

I think he did.

That'd be amazing.

Just fucking.

He's just going for the punchline right to the end, you know?

Oh, fuck.

I love commitment.

Yes.

You have to commit.

You got to commit to that one.

You got to commit.

Pull up the dates again.

We're going to go because we don't want to let...

Clayton down.

Yeah.

I don't want him to think, I don't want him to...

I don't want to prove to him that I'm an idiot.

Stay relaxed.

Just relax.

It's just relax.

Relax.

It's not that serious.

I feel like there's some places in the mall called just relax.

Yeah, those

fake men have the really shitty artwork on their board.

Yeah.

Just relax.

Just relax.

Like they Google, how do I get a logo?

Yeah.

And then they're like, here, I generated a logo for you.

Well, Russell's touring.

Well, those are the,

see, it's funny because I'm doing the arenas and the club dates in between the arenas, too.

It's kind of a mishmash of things.

I think that's the best way to actually do stand-up.

I agree because if you get stuck in the arena headspace and you go into a club,

it throws you off.

It does.

You're doing actually the right way to do it, which is you kind of hop in and out.

So you can see Russell all over.

This looks like mostly North America,

but you'll probably go to other places in the world.

Oh, yeah, next year is pretty hectic.

Hectic.

Once we get into...

Let's see, keep

March, February, March, it's going to be nutty.

Oh, they haven't announced it yet.

No, they do.

Good.

Okay, not yet.

Okay, no, after that.

Oh, yeah, they haven't put it out there, but we go international after the Peacock Theater

in February.

Well, go see it.

I think it's like Australia, New Zealand, all that stuff.

Asia.

The hot spots.

The good spots.

Go see Russell Peters on tour.

You can get tickets at russellpeters.com.

You're one of the best, man, and you're a fucking great guy.

Thank you for.

Thanks, Thomas.

Thanks for taking me along all those years.

Come on, kid.

It was great.

I knew it when I saw you.

I said, this kid's gonna be something if he shaves his head.

This kid's gotta shave his head.

All right.

I did.

We love you.

Thanks, man.

High five.

See you next week, guys.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.