Introducing Bert to Fancy Chef | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

We are coming to you from our new set

in our new home.

We have moved together to Florida.

We're back in Florida and I'm so fucking happy.

I know.

I love Florida.

Do you feel like a Florida man?

No, but I feel like you are definitely one.

Okay.

Yeah.

So here, okay.

So this is what drives me fucking nuts.

Yeah.

When you can smell Florida men.

You know what I mean?

Like, I sense them.

My spidey senses go off.

Tell someone to go get us some beers.

Yeah.

Tell Pete to go get us some beers.

I would love a beer.

Okay.

I'm in a Florida fucking mood.

Florida man drinks.

Florida man drinks in the afternoons.

I would argue, if you're thinking about quitting alcohol, don't.

Okay.

If you're listening to this and you're thinking, today's the day, I'm going to quit.

I'm done forever.

It's fucking my life up.

Don't.

You're setting yourself up for failure.

Wait a minute.

Don't fucking quit drinking.

Did you connect all the things you said, though?

Because you just said if somebody is like, it's ruining my life.

No, it's not.

It's not.

It's you.

It's not the alcohol.

It's you.

Wait a minute.

So can they get their life together?

Yes.

And still continue drinking?

Look at me.

I got my shit pretty together.

I'm a fucking mess.

Right.

But

I got a great woman

by side.

Right.

Keeps me in track.

Okay.

And then, but how often does she, you know, adjust the levers

with, let's just say, drinking specifically?

I don't know.

I'm literally, I don't know.

I don't know.

Did she adjust the levers?

No.

But she definitely walks up to the cockpit every now and then and is like, how fast are we going?

This is season.

It feels bumpy back there.

Are you paying attention?

Does that happen quite a bit?

It happened yesterday

on my flight

wait i thought we weren't drinking on flights anymore oh we're back okay see that's the thing wait where did you fly from la to orlando l to okay you took the la to orlando flight yeah and and that's the thing is you if you say i'm it that's it i'm done i'm never gonna drink again right then a glass of wine you're your life's fucked your life isn't fucked your life's not fucked

but there's people that are sober that are like no it's been great it's been a great art

they are holding on by a thread

all of them are holding on by sometimes they're thriving because they quit some people some people but then yeah all of a sudden you make a

i would love to see you like this what just totally sober i i do it all the time no i mean like like sober for the rest of my life it would just be fun to watch i think you would be like

i don't know You'd be like a Superman version of yourself.

I'll tell you what's better than being, and I've been sober for big stretches.

I'll tell you what's a big stretch.

Like four months.

Four months?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, three months.

Three months is the longest I've ever gone.

I mean, I did like 17 years when I was a child, but.

Yeah, we're not going to count those.

But yeah, four months is the biggest stretch.

I think I did longer once when I first started dating Leanne, but I don't know.

Why did you do that that time?

Because she dumped me.

She dumped me.

And then I was like, all right, I'm done drinking.

I'll never drink again.

I want this woman in my life.

And then we were flying to Italy.

And I didn't know this.

This was the last amount of money I had.

I didn't know that I was spending all my money on this trip to Italy.

Didn't you also do that in your honeymoon?

Yeah, I did that in my honeymoon too.

You really don't have a concept of money.

I do not.

Still?

To this day.

You really don't

know what's there and what you can.

I don't even know what bank we have.

You don't know what bank you're at?

I couldn't even tell you.

I couldn't even tell you.

Do you know what investment firm, like who you have like investments with?

No.

I think Steve.

Steve.

No.

I don't care.

I got it.

But I don't care.

And like, I've never cared.

Like, that's the thing.

It's like, don't think just because I'm have money now that I'm going to start caring.

I didn't care when we were broke.

Yeah.

I didn't care when I never have cared.

I will say that.

Having known you when you had no money.

Yeah.

You don't seem really that different to me.

Uh-uh.

I still get nervous buying things.

Like I still, I'm still a child.

Like, if I, if I'm going to buy something, like

my tour bus, I was like, why are we doing this?

This is so much money.

Let's not do this.

We don't, we can't afford it.

Yeah.

And then Leanne's like, you have no idea how much money we have.

We can afford it.

And I was like, I know, but it feels like wasteful.

Like, we'll just keep renting.

And Leanne's the one that goes, no, the amount of the, because I would rent buses for a year.

For a year, yeah.

For this whole year.

And that is a lot of fucking money.

It is.

And so she was like, trust me, this is a wise investment.

So I don't even know.

I would do it, except that I realized after the last tour that I hate the bus.

I just hate it.

So I was like, why would I do that?

Like, you know what I mean?

Like, if I don't enjoy it.

Oh, wow.

That's so wild.

I think if you had my bus, you'd like it.

I don't think so.

I,

Tom, I go to my bus to hang out.

Yeah.

Like, I don't hang out in my house.

Like, if, like, Leanne went for dinner with her friends and I, and I was at the office and i just went to my tour bus i hate spending time on the on any bus

drive i hate the drive i hate it you're asleep during the drive i love driving during the day i love i love taking two days off and just staying on the bus i love i can't wait i'm like i'm taking more time off i want to fly i want to fly everywhere oh my god yeah i have no interest in planes i always

i wish i could i wish i could fly from the hotel to this place like that's how much i like flying.

I wish I could have landed on the roof.

I wish I could have landed on the roof here.

I hate, I hated yesterday's flight.

I hate every fucking thing.

So, wait, were you really tying one on on the flight?

So, she was like, hey, what's going on?

Yeah, I was.

Yeah.

I got a double jack on the rocks to start the flight, like, before takeoff.

And then at lunch, I got a, or with food, I got a double jack on the rocks.

And then I started drinking beers.

And the flight attendant knew me, so she wasn't slowing me down.

She was like, come back with a fresh one.

And I was like, noose.

And Leanne was like, and then we got off the plane.

I was like, you want to get a beer?

She was like, what?

No.

We just landed.

I was like, a cocktail then?

And she was like, no, we're going to dinner.

And I was like, I know, but we're going to dinner.

We might as well.

What are we doing?

We have nothing to do.

Let's fucking party.

She's like, let's get a coffee.

So we got coffees.

We got to the hotel and I was like,

Espresso martini.

She was like, oh my God.

What are your shits like every day?

Dude, I got to be honest with you.

I'm taking half shits in the morning.

I take like a half a shit and then I hold it and then I take a full shit after that.

You hold it?

Like, I don't know.

It's, I'm not all coming out at the same time.

It's really kind of frustrating.

Like, I'm taking half a shit and then a full.

Do they come out as logs or are they just kind of like they don't?

Oh, yeah.

The best feeling is when the log is going and you know if you if you just do it right, you won't break it.

And you're like, okay, okay, keep going, keep going, keep going.

And all these mixtures of different beverages don't affect this at all.

No, no,

I think I'm here's the other thing: I'm healthy.

I'm the healthiest I've ever been, like, workout-wise.

I work out wise.

Ever?

Hold on.

Yes.

You know for a fact, I've been a lot unhealthier.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, so it's not like a big stretch.

I'm just in better shape than I've ever been.

Working out like fucking crazy, feel great.

And here's the thing: I know a dude who relapsed, right?

Yeah.

And by the way, it wasn't a big relapse.

like in my opinion.

Wait, what's how do you opinion?

It was a couple glasses of wine.

That was the relapse, yeah.

And all of a sudden, the fucking world explodes because he had a couple glasses of wine, as opposed to saying, Yo, I'm not gonna tell the world

I'm sober, I'm gonna let my mistakes be little tiny mistakes inside my head.

I'm gonna be like a regular person.

It's fucking crazy to be good.

This person is because you know what it is.

It's like, okay,

the moment you doubt whether you can fly,

never mind.

It's a quote from Peter Pan that's on the wall.

Yeah.

I couldn't read the rest of it.

You see.

Forever to be able to do it.

That's what I'm talking about.

Right.

It's like.

If you quit drinking, then you're never going to drink again.

Yes.

It's like, I know a dude whose wife won't go to strip clubs.

So when he goes to a strip club with us, because he's a fucking regular dude, he fucking melts down.

He melts down.

And then he has to go confess to his wife.

And you're like, what the fuck?

Jesus.

Right?

Yeah.

That's crazy.

They're bummers, dude.

Oh my God.

And you're like, don't even come to the strip club with us because we want to have a good time.

We don't want to fucking sit with old frumpy pants over here.

Who's like, guys, can we go?

I gotta, I really fucking,

yeah.

Yeah.

But that's, I mean, I just, I don't know.

I was thinking,

use your ATM card because mine will show up on the.

Yeah, I was fucking guys.

I went to a strip club in Vegas one time and I was like, yo, we're gonna, we're gonna ball out.

I'm gonna get everyone some cash.

Yeah.

I got like a thousand dollars out and it's in it's in silly money it's in their money

so you can't take any of it home you have to give it all to the strippers it really it withdraws their money it withdraws their money their money

it's so frustrating that you were like oh and then we just wanted to leave because we were bored and we were like all right and then i just gave a stripper like i was like here you go here's like 700

She was like, for what?

And I go, get us.

You got to leave.

Yeah.

They let me in in sweatpants.

That's a advance fucking strip club guy move.

I didn't, well, I didn't.

We were on tour, and I was about to go to bed, and everyone's like, yo, let's rub it.

No underwear, a little baby oil underneath.

No underwear, sweatpants.

I was about to go to sleep, and everyone's like, yo, let's go to the strip club.

I was like, cool.

Should we roll over?

And I was like, I was like, hey, and they recognized me.

And the guy's like, one, one guy didn't, and he goes, no sweatpants.

And he goes, oh, it's Bert.

He's cool.

And I was like, yeah, why wouldn't?

What do you mean, no sweatpants?

What is there, like

a wardrobe?

Fucking, you have to, certain attire.

Yeah.

And then I sat down and I realized, well, you're not allowed to wear sweatpants.

I was like, wow, they let me in his sweatpants.

Pretty fucking.

It's crazy.

Your dick gets hard in every one season.

It's vet move.

Yeah.

It's very cool.

Yeah.

Here's my thing about Florida people.

Okay.

Yeah.

So like I get frustrated when I hear

I get frustrated when I hear guys say, you know me, I'm from fucking Brooklyn.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you're like, I don't play that shit.

I don't play this shit.

I'm from Brooklyn.

And you're like, I've been to Brooklyn.

They've, they've like Artesian ice ice cream.

It's not what you think it is.

Like, everyone's in skinny pants and skinny boots.

Yeah,

not that part of Brooklyn.

Not that part of real Brooklyn.

I grew up in Brooklyn.

And you're like, you're borrowing, you're borrowing toughness from a fucking movie.

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or a thing that doesn't or like

okay let's do this what's the most annoying state for a man to say he's from

well it's got to be a yeah i know what you're doing i mean

the definitely the new york thing is exhausting exhaust what's more exhausting new york or boston

they say i'm from brooklyn and then in boston they go i grew i grew up in boston i'm from southie you're not from southie no one's from Southeast.

You know why that?

You know why?

Because they don't fucking leave Southie.

Right.

They fucking people in Southeast I'm scared of.

They're fucking tough dudes, but they stay in Southeast.

They don't come out to LA.

Yeah.

The Boston, New York thing, it's, I don't know.

It's pretty neck and neck.

I would say in my life, I've heard the New York thing more.

Texas?

Texas is a, that's a big one.

I'm from Texas.

I'm from Texas.

Yeah.

And also, and we're not, because that's the other thing.

You're like, oh, because Texas is essentially the South.

And they go, like, we're not the South.

And you're like, what are you?

And, like, we're Texas.

And you're like, okay, that's just kind of, that's kind of fucking exhausting.

Like,

yeah.

All right.

I got it.

Like, you talk the same and you fucking walk the same.

You say the same

daddy and fucking bullshit, but you're not that.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like daddy.

If you call,

I love when grown men call their dad daddy.

Daddy is a real southern fucking thing.

I fucked up one time and called my dad daddy

in a special.

It was the last special I did.

And I was talking about my dad and I said, daddy, and the whole room went, oh,

it was so fucking gross.

It's gross.

It's gross.

I remember this fucking Hillbilly that I went to

college with.

And he told me that when he was like,

seven,

he said something and he goes, Daddy, you know, and he's my daddy said, Uh, he's like, Boy, you call me daddy again, I'm gonna knock your head right out.

And I like basically, I'm gonna beat you if you call me daddy again.

I go, How'd that go?

He's like, Well, I never, I never said it again.

Like,

yeah, it's a different parenting choice, I guess.

I mean, I don't, I don't really hear it from my, I mean, my kids are six and eight, they're allowed to say daddy, they are allowed to, but they instinctively usually just say dad.

Yeah,

it's amazing how many black men call their mom mama.

It's amazing, yeah, like all black men call their mom mama.

Yeah.

It's like wild.

No matter where they're from in the country, they call their mom mama.

Like, and you think that's a southern thing?

Yeah.

But like, there was a video.

It was a really cool video.

I don't, like, I love, I love, uh,

I love social content creators, content creators for football teams.

It's always some white guy with like a thing, like, oh, we'll give these guys a VCR tape.

They won't know what it is.

And then like, what is this?

And it's just some 20-year-old black kid going, I have no fucking idea.

I have no idea what you're saying, but go ahead.

I just saw it today.

But the one they did was they said to the um,

they said to the team members, when was the last time you talked to your mom?

And every black dude was like, I call my mom the first thing in the morning.

I'll pray for my mama.

Yeah, I call my talk to my mama every day, mama, I love you.

Like, it was wild.

They all called them mama.

Black community reveres mother

way more.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I even heard this uh by the way can i trust peter he did he didn't spike this but he didn't spike it you sure

um

uh i think peter was a shack by the way you think what peter's about to quit is he yeah what's he gonna do move to italy why because he's young he has money

He's never spent a fucking penny.

He's worked for how long you worked for me, Peter?

Three years?

That's never

spent

human years.

That's like 15 years.

That's fucking crazy.

Are you really going to move to Italy?

Think about it.

Which city?

He's obsessed with Northern Italy.

He's obsessed with the German influence.

Nice, dude.

He's border, like up there.

Yeah, it was right at the Austria border.

He's young.

Why the fuck not?

I think that's a great idea.

That's the thing.

Not enough many people are taking chances.

What were we talking about?

You're not going to do it at 45.

No.

No, you're not.

And you're not doing it at 51.

We've been trying to fucking get out of the city.

I can't leave.

I got to work every fucking day.

This is the age to do it.

This is the age to do it.

And you'll fucking learn a language and you'll, you know, bang some shit that you'll never see again.

And who cares if she has your kid?

You'll never see her, you know?

Yeah.

It's great.

What were we talking about, mamas?

Mama.

So, um, this is how much I'm saying, though, like, black community reveres mother more.

Is that it was a story where

Shaq was telling the story about him and Charles Barkley during a game got in a fight and like threw bows at each other.

And it was like, and they were both ejected and they were both like heated.

And when Shaq got to the locker room, they were like, oh, it's for you, the phone for you.

And it was Barkley's mom.

And he was like, oh, you know, mom's on the phone.

So he was like, he just went right to like, yes, ma'am, no, man.

And like, she

like squashed the beef by calling him like, come on now.

We need to behave.

and that's how it that's wild you know what i mean that's it's like i think i feel like if it was like two white guys they'd be like who and fuck your mom fuck your husband

yeah that's so crazy

yeah like

if you talk shit about a black guy's mom he'll fight you dude i remember hearing a story about this kid this this dude said like latin mom shit's like that too though real 100

yes

a thousand percent

it's all virgin mary stuff it's all rooted in catholicism there though.

Really?

That absolutely.

I don't really, I mean, I love my mom, but like,

if you talk to me about my mom, I'd be like, okay.

Yeah, most, I was saying, like, white guy stuff is just like, yeah, fuck my mom.

But like, but if you go to like hardcore Latin, they don't fucking play that either.

Yeah.

I don't even know if I, like, when I make a phone call to my parents, I think I always call my dad's phone.

I still do, and he never answers.

But

I, yeah, I always wanted to talk to my dad.

Yeah.

Yeah, I never, like, it's so wild that, like, that's so crazy that the communities are so vastly different.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

It's totally different.

Totally different.

And, but, but, uh, but the,

you never hear black guys.

Oh, no, black guys do it.

What?

Where they, when they say they're, what city they're from.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Black guys talk about it.

I always thought it was like a white guy thing.

That's part of a black guy's introduction to you is like repping fucking 300.

Oh yeah, what am I talking about?

They get it tattooed on them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They tell you the street that they grew up on.

That's crazy.

I was listening to this thing about Rosa Parks.

Not Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman.

Okay.

You know, Harriet Tubman is a bad motherfucker, right?

You know, she, so she,

this just broke my heart.

So she runs away.

First of all, she runs away from the south with her two brothers the first time.

And they get.

They get nervous and they make her go back.

So she ran away and then got far away.

And her brothers are like, yo, let's get the fuck back.

did you listen to a podcast i did i did why yeah because i just this is how you recap podcasts yeah yeah they're like it this this sucks i'm not gonna sleep in the marsh let's go home so they go home rosa uh harry tubman married by the way married to a free man black but free so yeah kind of crazy that he'd be free and she's a slave yeah i don't understand that i don't know how it works but anyway um so then she's like this i'm out so she bails right she leaves She then goes back and brings her brothers out.

They're like, yo, I made it out.

Philly's not that far.

Let's go.

so she then takes him over back over to philly then she goes i'm gonna go get my husband he's free i don't really get it but she gets it so she dresses as a dude goes back to her old plantation goes to get her husband her husband's remarried in like two months he finds a side piece yeah and harriet tubman's like every guy

every guy's the same god like she's gone oh yeah i gotta get somebody else how could you be how could i mean i'm sure there's a real simple explanation for this but like how could you be a free black man in the south married to a slave i don't understand i don't know I don't know how it works.

I don't know.

I'm sure you could call somebody you know who's like, oh, here's how we did it.

Sure, I called Donnell.

Yeah, he would love that question.

Hey, Donnell, can I ask you a question about slavery?

Click.

Yeah, no.

So.

So, wait, how many times did she make the trip that?

A lot.

A lot.

And she was like,

I don't know.

I always picture.

Is it like horseback?

Is it trains?

Like, how do you, how was how are people making the trip the whole time?

By foot.

There and back is always by foot.

The woman must have walked.

If she had a pedometer, like if she had a...

She was getting her steps.

She was getting her steps in.

Oh, that's cool.

She was definitely getting her steps in.

That'd be a cool,

you know, like memorial for her.

I thought you were going to say like integration.

No, I just meant like

a sign that said Harriet Tubman.

And then in quotes, it said, get in her steps.

And, you know?

That's a really cool way to honor somebody.

Can I tell you, I think about when I was running the LA Marathon, I thought about Harriet Tubman.

Shut the fuck up.

And I thought about the Trail of Tears.

And I was like, those guys did it.

Like, and they didn't even train.

They did not.

Like, Harriet Tubman did not train.

You didn't either.

You just signed up.

And I wonder if she was sore as fuck the next day.

So is it reasonable to say that during the LA Marathon that you ran, you were just like, I am bringing someone to freedom right now.

I'm taking slaves to freedom.

That's what you was going through your head?

No, I was just, I was just thinking, I am just like Harriet Tubman.

That is very cool.

If Harriet Tubman can do this, I can do this.

And she didn't even have good shoes.

She definitely didn't.

Didn't have headsets.

No, she didn't have Nikes.

Didn't have

a mapped-out trail.

No.

Didn't have water stops.

No, people weren't handing her bananas.

Nuh-uh.

No.

No.

No GoPack kind of.

No GoPack.

Little glucose spikes.

Yeah.

You're right.

She did it way different than you.

She did it in like boots.

Yeah.

Harriet Dubman get in her steps.

Yeah.

So good.

So good.

Martha listens to her favorite band all the time.

In the car,

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even sleeping.

So when they finally went on tour, Martha bundled her flight and hotel on Expedia to see them live.

She saved so much, she got a seat close enough to actually see and hear them.

Sort of.

You were made to scream from the front row.

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It's the name of a new documentary.

Fitbit should.

Fitbit should do an integration with her.

Take a picture of her and tell me to put a Fitbit on her.

Oh my God.

Do you remember that she was going to be on the 20?

Wasn't she going to be on the 20?

You don't remember this?

No.

It was during, like, sometime during the Trump presidency, they were like, oh, we're going to redesign the 20 and

we're going to put Harriet Tubbin on it.

And most people were like, well, that's a great honor.

Like that seems pretty amazing.

And

I would have to get verification, but apparently

Trump and or his office was like, I don't like that idea.

Because she's not very attractive.

I swear to God.

I swear to God.

As opposed to all the other people on Bill's.

They are gorgeous.

All smoke shows.

Is that wrong?

Can they Google that?

Trump said she's just not that hot.

Basically.

This is what the story was.

Now, I'm somebody who will say, maybe that is not true.

Maybe.

But you said it on a podcast, so now it's true forever.

Well, that was, I'm saying the rumor was that.

I'm not making of the rumor.

Yeah.

Whether or not.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, that was a real rumor.

That was a real rumor.

Okay.

But I don't know.

I can't verify that he actually said that.

Now,

would that be out of the realm of possibilities of something he would say?

I don't think so.

I bet he's so fucking fun to do.

Hilarious.

I bet he's, yeah, unhinged 24-7.

Just like, what?

Yeah.

Look at her.

I don't want her on my money.

I could totally see him saying that.

I was thinking it was going to be something else.

It's true, yeah.

Amarosa claims that Donald Trump questioned Harriet Tubman's appearance after an aid approached him about putting the famous slave on the $20.

Amarosa?

Well, because she was on the apprentice, and then she was in good graces with him for a while, and then she had a falling out.

Really?

Yeah.

So, could she have made up that he said that?

Yes.

Amarosa was pretty fucking hot, right?

So, you know, I don't know.

But it's still, it's a pretty cool story we did

this is the hardest I've laughed in a while I think we have video of it but it's one of the hardest I've laughed

Rachel in our office we're doing a fantasy football league

and

you know our office is diverse we have an African-American young lady named Wow Kyell kudos to you man who works who works for us yes and

we have one too his name is Enie

well we should introduce them they would probably love to meet each other let's get them to to play together.

Yeah.

I'll bring Kyell to any,

and then me and you will just wink.

Yeah, we'll just watch.

We'll be like.

Go ahead.

So we're doing punishments for the loser of our fantasy football league.

And Rachel goes, you know,

you got to spend

24 hours at a Waffle House.

You got to spend 24 hours at a Buffalo Wild Wings.

That's the punishment?

You got to get a tattoo.

And then one of the ones, she's like,

she goes,

you got to get a spray tan, but super dark.

And we're all like, we look at Kyle and she goes, that's a punishment.

And Rachel did not see it.

She goes, yeah, really dark.

And Kyle was like,

how dark?

And Rachel, I could not stop laughing.

And I was like, and Rachel never got it.

She was like, what?

What?

Wouldn't that be horrible?

Kyle went through my closet and

she goes, I think you're a black man.

I think I'm starting to dress more like a black dude.

What was Kyle's observation?

The hats and the shoes?

The hats and the shoes are number one, but

if I dress fancy, I dress fancy black?

Fancy black.

Really?

Yeah.

Like how, what's the like loud suits?

No collar.

No collar?

Velvet, no collar.

Oh, yeah.

I went to Emmy's party.

Yeah.

And I had a fucking badass shirt, but it was, it was patterned velvet with a velvet

suit, velvet shoes.

You dressed like a pastor.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I dressed like a black guy.

When I went to Kevin Hart's party for the Netflix thing, I dressed like a black dude.

I'd not dress like a black dude, but I just like, like brothers kept complimenting me on what I was wearing.

That's a good sign.

It feels good, too.

Yeah.

Oh, when a black guy goes, dude, I like that shirt.

And I was like, I thought you would.

Yeah.

This is for the Emmys thing you're talking about?

for everything i dress i dress like a black dude really yeah i started buying black dude outfits i was telling you this yes you did a black dude xl shockingly is not an xl that was really strange that was wild are you in a southern city for that i think you were yeah i was in a southern city and i go to the uh for lack of better words the black guy clothing places places sells lots of colors of fedora hats

everyone knows what we're talking about i've been there yeah and so i got these really cool

and do you make it work you feel like you make it work.

I wear them all the time.

No one ever notices it.

No one's ever like, what are you doing?

Yeah, like you're wearing a costume.

You don't wear it like that.

No, people go, that looks good.

That's good.

I don't think I can't do that.

You can.

But the thing is, so I go in and I get two outfits, a tan one.

It's like a match.

The pants and the shirt are the same.

You get those?

I get them.

The matching stuff.

Yeah.

And it's interesting.

Do you wear that out or on stage or just...

I don't wear it on stage.

I wear it out, like if, like, I'm going somewhere.

Yeah.

yeah like uh like uh

and so i i get them and i i mean maybe this is racist but i assume that an xl at a black guy store would be like actually be like a large like i thought it it would be i thought it would be the same you know how like target xl is really like a double xl right and then uh like uh Abercrombie and Fitch XL is like a large, right?

Right.

Like you go to Banana Republic, their XL is like a little more of a large.

So depending on the manufacturer and the place you're buying it at.

Well, then their typical clientele, it's like they make the adjustment.

They make the adjustment so that if you're selling that you feel good about yourself because they know who that clientele is.

That's right.

Or like if you buy European cut clothing.

Yeah.

Oh, they're fucking get out of here.

I went not long ago to buy a shirt from an Italian designer place.

You know what actually fit like normal?

Like just fit like a normal normal shirt?

What?

4X.

It was a quadruple X.

And I was like, this is a 4X.

And they're like, yes.

Yeah.

We did not have your kind, didn't I?

And that was like, I mean, you know, it was just like a normal size t-shirt.

I was like, yeah.

Okay.

So, so I go in and I go, I'll get XLs.

And the guy behind the counter is like, are you sure?

And I thought he was just saying like, you're a big guy.

And I was like, no, they'll fit.

And he goes, okay.

So I buy

two outfits,

four shirts.

You don't try it on.

I don't try it on because I'm like, I know my size.

And by the way, I know I'm an XL now.

I'm like, I'm an XL at the Banana Republic.

So I'm like, I'm good.

Proper XL.

Dude, XL shirts, none of them fucking fit.

I bought an XL bedazzled giraffe on the back of one.

They're beautiful.

Fucking barely, barely get my arm.

Dude,

I just got hosed by, I mean, it didn't do it on purpose, but you remember that

t-shirt that Bo said to get?

And then he's, he's like, you and me are the same.

Like, we're the same.

So just order.

Yeah.

He's like, order what I got.

Yeah.

I'm like, oh, okay.

He's like, we're the same.

And I go, great.

So I order it.

I fucking put it on.

And it looks like I'm going to go scuba diving in it.

Like,

it's like, it fits here, and then it like sticks to the body.

And I'm like, I look like an asshole.

Like, I look like a total asshole in this.

And of course, I already took off tags and all this shit.

And like, you know it's not his fault but the thing is like if you don't know how something's going to be cut yeah then you're just rolling the dice and this shit this size does not fit wait who is the designer it's i don't want to say it you don't want to say it i'll tell you later okay

yeah i i went to put on all these shirts and none of them fit the pant none of the pants fit the shirts fit on the suits on the outfits but the pants were super fucking tight they were not xl and

and and the arms were cut weird It was, it was odd.

And so I

can't return them.

I just have them.

Yeah.

If there's a skinny black dude who had like two outfits, I got you.

Hit him up.

Hit him up.

And I just have the shirts that I bought that he sent me.

And they just, they sit in the corner and I go, one day.

I put on a shirt.

Just eyeballing November.

Like, you can maybe get in these in November.

I put on a shirt to go to a premiere of a movie.

Leanna and I started going to movie premieres.

Really?

Yeah.

Why?

I don't know.

know we have nothing to do oh is that fun

nah i don't know no i don't know i like that you keep going you're like i don't even know if i'm having fun i'll tell you what's fun i gotta be dead honest with you is going to see a movie that i i agree with that's the fun part is so like you're going to see a movie but they you you can't get anything they just give you popcorn and a diet coke so you can't get it's not like you're going to see a movie what would you normally get at a movie fucking everything cocktails fucking hot dog they don't have hot dogs pizza anything.

I'm keto, though, so I don't, I probably wouldn't eat a lot of that.

Hardcore keto, hardcore keto.

So we go.

The last, we went, we've been to a couple.

I'll tell you what's weird is in order to go, you have to do the red carpet.

Okay, like because that's why they're getting you there so they can take pictures of you to say, oh, look who came to see this movie.

Yeah,

oh, you want to hear something cool about this?

Yeah, so random as fuck,

Andy Garcia

used to take acting classes next door to my house.

Okay.

So he's still at it.

The guy still, he'd meet with this lady and he'd do acting, like work on his, work on his craft.

And it was next door to my old house, my old house, right?

Yeah.

It was next door.

So randomly, all the time, I would see Andy Garcia.

I would see him like once a week.

I'd see Andy Garcia.

Just walking?

But in my front yard, he'd be walking past.

You remember how close those houses were?

And I'd be like, hey, what's up?

And every, I'd see him once a week.

I saw Andy Garcia once a fucking week, right?

So we'd go to this premiere for this movie uh new george clooney uh brad pitt movie i'm sure that's why they invite you so you can talk about it on your podcast called wolves it's very fucking good it's good yeah it's great it's fucking george clooney and brad pitt well i know but i mean it doesn't have to be a good movie they're amazing okay

so they go hey do you mind doing the red carpet and by the way they've i've is this kind of cool they sometimes they're telling can you just wait while he does red carpet that's got to feel good i go yeah no just don't ever forget who brings the fucking butter home yeah so so they're like just stand over here yeah and she's cool she's like oh sure sure i don't want to be a bother bother.

I won't be a bother.

And then today, this time I go, hey, can she do it with me?

And they're like, yeah, of course.

It's amazing.

So

Andy Garcia walks up and they're like, yo, can we put Andy Garcia in front of you?

I was like, fuck yeah, of course.

Because he's just going to go in.

He's friends with those guys.

Andy Garcia

walks in front of me and he goes like this.

He goes, hey, I go, hey.

And he goes.

Hey.

And I go, yeah, what's up?

He was like, oh.

Like, and you can see he's like, how the fuck do I know you?

And I so badly wanted to go, I used to see you once a week, but I didn't tell him.

He didn't tell him.

He just, he's just like, you can see Liam was like, do you know Andy Garcia?

Wait, you never told her?

I never told her.

I just, but I was like, I wanted to be like, I see you all the time.

I used to see you all the time.

And, but I just, and then he just was like, this, you can see his fucking, he's like, am I got dementia?

How the fuck do I know that?

That's called Andy Garcia.

He is, he is great.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt in person, Fucking gorgeous.

They were in.

So I didn't have to do much of the red carpet because they were still on the red carpet.

I mean, when they do the red carpet, like people are all over them.

George, George, George, turn this way.

Turn this way.

Just fucking great.

Saw Simon Rex there.

He's fucking gorgeous.

But here's the question I have about these movie premieres.

So

if you're not going to see a free movie,

it's a weird,

it's a weird like

social

dichotomy of life.

Like it's a weird thing.

Everyone ultimately wants to get next to Brad Pitt and talk to Brad Pitt or George Clooney.

Ultimately, that's, you could see it.

I mean, like, the C's were converging around them.

Like, so there was, it was three places you could hang out at this after party.

Front bar, back outside bar, upstairs bar, four places, and the outside bar upstairs.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt were in the the outside bar upstairs.

And it was, I mean, it was like almost like they were releasing tickets to a concert.

Like, and these are all people I'd assume that are in the movie industry, but they're all like trying to get close.

Yeah.

It was so weird.

And I was just, it turned me off.

I was like, I was like, let's just

sat out and talked to Nick Kroll the whole time.

And I was like, I was like, just talked about stand-up.

It is gross.

I've been, I was at an after

party for after a premiere once.

And the way that people are slowly what they do is like if the talents over here, they start to like

They're like, Yeah, yeah, and you're like, What are you doing?

And then they uh the grossest is when stars start to move and then the people gradually start to like drift their steps this way so that maybe they can intercept them

on their path

or people go like this.

People go like this.

They're talking to you.

This is not Nick Croll.

And by the way, it was so not Nick Roll that I started doing it.

Yeah.

is because i'm definitely i'm i'm someone that go be like you know look around yeah like who's that and nick crow makes eye contact the whole fucking time he's talking to you yeah so then i started going oh i'm gonna make eye contact too so i was looking at him in his eyes yeah and it was like really creepy but most of the people at those parties they talked probably because you were going keep looking in his eyes keep looking in his eyes and he was like well this is pretty intense

He's like, I'm good.

I'm good.

I gotta go.

But most people at those, this is the worst is you'll be talking to someone and you'll be like, Yeah, I don't know.

I thought the movie was good.

And they're like, Yeah, yeah, well,

and then they just walk away and you're like, The fuck just happened?

It's very, it's very, it's, it's literally not different than high school.

It is exactly the way high school hierarchy operates between like the coolest and there's this kid and then there's the, there's the weirdos and the job.

Like, it's the same thing.

And they're just, everyone's just trying to like, who's the most popular?

It's fucking strange.

Leanne said, she goes, do you want to go upstairs?

And I was like, I was like, maybe.

Like to meet George and Brad.

Yeah, she goes, You want to see if we can say hi to

they invited you.

You should go up and say hi and thank you.

And I was like, I don't think that's how it works.

And I was like, And I think, I don't think it's going to be what you think.

I'd love if you would have been, hey, George, thanks for inviting me.

And he'd go, I'm sorry.

You invited me.

And he goes, I don't fucking know who you are.

He'd be like, hey, could you pull up that Aston Martin?

I'll be out in a second.

And you're like, yeah, sure.

Thanks for inviting me.

It's so sincere.

I've always wanted to go to Lake Cuomo.

Cuomo.

And he'll be like, yeah, thank you.

So we go upstairs.

We go upstairs.

And it's, I mean, it is slam-packed.

And the whole time I'm like, yeah, I don't, I go, it's not, even if best case scenario, best case scenario, Brad Pitt turns and he goes like this.

And now I have my Andy Garcia moment where he's like, how do I know that person?

Yeah.

And then I go, I'm friends with Tom Segura.

And then he's going, going huh like the best case scenario I still fuck it up yeah and so I was like I was like yo this isn't let's get the fuck out of here and she was like for real you don't want to say hi to nobody and then Richard fucking kind

I bump into Richard kind and he's like hey Bert hey Leanne

guy fucking remembered my wife's name really fucking remembered my how did he wife

we met him we met him at a at a party we just met him once really yeah and he remembered my fucking wife's name and I was like Jesus Christ man I was like he's better than me.

Yeah, he's awesome.

He's the fucking best.

And then I and yeah.

And then I did say, sneaky.

I did see

Nick Kroll gets up.

He's upstairs and he's talking to Richard Kind.

And George Clooney came up and dapped up Nick Kroll.

Really?

Yeah, I thought that was cool as shit.

That is cool.

I was like, whoa.

And Nick, I don't, Nick, I don't think he knows him, but he was just like, what's up?

I like your work or whatever.

I thought that was cool.

That's right.

We went to one premiere and it was a Snoop Dogg movie.

1992.

It's fucking sneaky good.

It's like,

it's Tyrese,

Clint Eastwood's son, Scott Eastwood.

And it's such a good fucking, it's Ray Loyota's last movie he did.

Really?

It is such a good fucking movie.

1992, it's called?

1992.

And I'll tell you.

And Snoop's, Snoop isn't it?

Snoop produced it.

Oh.

Black premieres.

Way better than white premieres.

So far you're into black clothing.

Yes.

Black podcasts, black shoes, their matriarchy, their matriarchy, everything, black premieres, dude.

Stacey Adams are fucking badass shoes, sidebar.

Anyway, so

super diverse episodes.

So they, so it's uh, they

Tyrese goes up and talks.

This is like right when Tyrese was like kind of going wild everywhere, right before he got arrested.

He knew he was getting arrested.

It was like, it was, he went up and gave like a speech and like Scott Eastwood, I don't think he even went up there.

He was just like, whatever, this is your movie.

And so the best is he's like i gotta give it up for unkn everybody snoop dog and by the way i'm sitting me and lean are sitting behind lunelle okay lunelle is

the

greatest she is holding court in our corner with everyone everyone's and they're like uh reggie watts is there i mean like it's like a interesting corner right

uh who is the dude sitting next to reggie watts that is like i wondered if they knew each other he was famous but i knew him he was a comedian too but i can't remember who it was but anyway so they're like give it up for snoop dog and everyone goes yeah like snoop dog and then this white guy goes yay yay and

lunel goes that's ice cube you dumb motherfucker

you culturally appropriating white boy and the place fell out yay yay i thought that was great that's hilarious yeah she's fantastic lunelle's amazing yeah she had a fish sandwich one time that i've been looking for for about two years what what what do you mean you were somewhere and she was eating a fish sandwich?

She was eating a fish sandwich on live stream.

Oh, and she was talking about it.

I've talked to her three times about this fish sandwich.

I even mentioned it, I think, on Good Day LA.

I was like, if anyone help me find this fish sandwich, it was so good-looking.

And it was going out.

They were like trying to, they were trying to run this place out of business during COVID.

Yeah.

And she was like, yo, if you can, stop by this fish.

It's a fucking.

Dude, I'm so, I'm so obsessed with Fancy Chef, you know?

Have I told you about Fancy Chef?

What's Fancy Chef?

Fancy Chef is this

guy who goes by.

He posts like his cooking stuff, but it's just, it's not right.

Like it's that something's wrong, you know?

Wait, hold on.

Tell me more.

So he's like.

Is he on Instagram?

Yeah.

What's his fancy?

Is it Fancy Chef?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he does like,

he'll be like, check out this shit I just made.

And it'll be like, it'll be a store-bought cake with blueberries on it.

And he's like, look at this, beautiful and nice, beautiful and nice.

And you're like, yeah, yeah, that's just a cake from Ralph's, you know, like that you put berries on.

Did you find them?

Yeah.

So he doesn't make the cake?

I named the Thanksgiving holiday package.

Listen to this package.

I'm asking up front for a 65%

deposit.

You know what the rate is?

Two to five million dollars.

If you do not send me to cook for those

six days.

Goodbye.

Okay.

But if you scroll to look at some of the food he's made, like if you see some of his food,

you can see what kind of level we're talking.

By the way, every video is the same.

It looks like a clan member.

Yeah.

Yeah, he wears his hat a lot.

That's a weird fucking choice for a black dude.

Yeah.

That hat.

I mean, it looks like a clan outfit well on purpose he wears his chef's outfit everywhere his newest move is that he's going to restaurants ordering food and then he's like check out what i made as he's sitting at the table he just ordered it from a restaurant he's like look at this beautiful dish you're like you just ordered that like you're not in the kitchen you're just sitting at a table at a restaurant so

I've been obsessed with his videos.

And he also like, he'll, he puts a lot of shit in wine glass.

So he'll be like, you know, here I have a wine glass and then he'll put like a rib in there, some raspberries, ranch dressing and honey.

And he'll be like, look at this shit.

It's beautiful.

I watched his videos and

he also has three phone numbers.

You know, one of those guys who's like, give me a call, 570-214 or 702-600.

And you're like, what the, what, how many fucking numbers do you have?

Yeah.

So.

We've been calling him and calling him and calling him.

And we finally got him on the phone.

And I was like, I want you to come to Austin how much

to cook for me he's like he's like I've already been through this shit with your man Zolo and I was like yeah are you serious yeah because Zolo he and I go so you're locked in he goes I told him like he only he said I only fly first class I go done

uh five star hotel done ground transportation done and then he's like I don't fuck with paper plates and I was like okay so he was like go buy

fancy cutlery and and then you know full kitchen he needs every fucking possible piece of cooking equipment you could have and I go great we'll shop for all of it and then I was like are we set

and he was like yeah and I go what will you make he goes I've been a chef for 40 years man I cook anything you want and I was like great I love sea bass and he goes yeah I don't really fuck with seafood I was like are you serious yeah I was like that's huge part of cuisine yeah yeah and he's like, yeah, it smells.

I was like, all right.

So what do you want to make?

He's like, how about like a New York strip?

I was like, all right.

I love New York strip.

Strip works.

By the way, that's the last piece of steak I'd want.

I don't out of all the cuts.

Okay.

So here's the thing.

We're so excited.

He's supposed to come Wednesday

to Austin.

Yeah.

And

I don't know if he's going to show up.

I just pointed out to the guys, I was like, do you have car service?

And they're like, Yeah, picking him up.

I go, No, taking him to the airport.

You think he's going to find the airport?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You got to, you got to fucking

do this guy.

And they were like, okay, we'll, we'll, we'll add that.

So we're going to be very excited.

I mean, we are excited.

Um, be very disappointed if he doesn't show up, but he's not going to show up.

I don't know.

There's, it's, it's, I can't believe he's charging two to five million for those six days of work.

That's wild.

That's a with a 65% deposit of that.

I mean, if he, but here's the deal: it's really smart for him because if he just books one of those, he's set for life.

Yeah, all he has to do is book one.

He's gonna book all of them, but he books all of them.

Hey, man, I know the range was two to five.

I took the $5 million options and I just sent you $3 million for the deposit.

We good?

He's like, boink.

And then, you know, he would just get there and be like, this shit ain't right.

I'm leaving.

Walk out.

God forbid that those people want CBAS.

They pay $5 million and they don't get CBAS.

I'd be so upset.

I love it.

I love where this world's turned.

I love that you don't have to know how to do what you're doing to do it.

Yeah.

I think it's so funny.

And make demands.

Yeah.

That's the thing is, he is slowly but surely becoming a star with his

profile that people are slowly discovering.

And we started talking about it.

And then the episode is going to come out pretty soon where we highlight him more and then we get him on the phone.

And

yeah, I've invited

like

some other special people to be there for him.

Yeah.

We are from a very lucky generation.

Yeah.

We, me and you, are from a generation

where not everyone could do everything.

So you could, like, our chefs, our chefs had to want to be chefs.

They didn't want to be television personalities.

Totally.

Like, like, there was a period where like people were becoming chefs just so they could get in front of the camera.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, I'm a chef, but like, I want to, I'm not sure.

I think that's still done now, too, right?

And comics, I chose comedy.

I mean, this is going to sound crazy to anyone.

And I know I sound fucking out of my mind sometimes, but I chose comedy when it wasn't an occupation.

Yeah.

Like when no one was doing comedy.

No one decided to be a comedian when we started doing comedy.

Well, I think people were, but they, we had, first of all, we had no idea that the internet would be

the, the platform that it is.

Like the internet existed, but just barely, but it did exist.

But no one was like, Yeah, you can share your stuff there.

Like, we went into it being like, God, I hope enough of the right people see me and I can get maybe some TV deal, but more importantly, have clubs just book me.

That was it.

That's I didn't even know there were clubs, I didn't even know how comedy worked.

Yeah, I just knew I wanted to do stand-up and I needed to move to New York.

And I was like, I'd never seen, I'd seen a comedy sound bro.

I didn't even understand how the business worked.

Now I see people doing comedy that they're like, like

my daughter's best friend wants to be a comedian.

Really?

Yeah.

And I was like, I think she should.

I really think she should.

She's the funniest fucking human being I've ever been around.

She is so fucking funny.

Your older daughter, your older daughter.

George's best friend.

She's the one.

I actually was like, yo, no, don't lie.

I tried to get her on stage at Fully Loaded.

Me and Whitney tried to get her on stage.

We're like, just get on stage.

Just try it.

Because she is really genuinely one of the funniest human beings around.

That child has made me laugh.

And

that child has made me laugh and not this is the best i always say this about people that like

as a comic you know someone's funny you know someone's going to be great when they make you laugh and they're not trying to make you laugh right when they're just being them and you're laughing that's what a real comic spirit is that's what you end up trying to be yeah that person that was not trying to be a performer yeah the reason yeah I mean,

I told this to someone the other day.

Wait, she wouldn't get on, though, when you guys tried to?

No, she was, she's fucking 28, 19 years old.

She was terrified.

It was fucking 12,000 people.

Isn't that maybe not the time to do an open mic?

Yeah.

I was like,

Whitney and I wrote her an act.

We're like, just say these jokes, get yourself comfortable, and then talk from your heart.

Like, just say, she made me, I mean, this, I, I,

we love this kid like a child, like, like one of our children.

She's been with us, you know, but like, this kid's genuinely fucking funny.

But

nowadays, it's like,

it's like, I see so many people go, yeah, I'll just do comedy.

Maybe I'll just start a YouTube channel.

I'm going to culinary school.

And you're like, but yeah, but what are your incentives?

I feel like things have been whittled.

Like all of a sudden something pops, right?

And then everyone runs to it.

And everyone goes, well, I'm going to be one of those now.

Yeah, of course.

And you're like, when our generation, it was like, like, David Tell became a comedian because that's the only thing he could do.

Yeah.

And he loved doing it.

Sarah Silverman, I don't think people realize how special Sarah is.

Sarah started at a young age and has been doing stand-up comedy at a high level for the longest fucking time.

And she didn't pick it because she thought it was a way to get into acting or that this is going to leapfrog her skin line.

You do it for the same reason.

That's the thing that is shared no matter the generation is you start it and you do it because you're like, oh, this way I don't have to get a real job.

Yeah.

It's like, this is the best.

If I can make enough to survive, then I can not have a real job, which is really the goal.

Joe Rogan, I mean, I think people forget.

I think because now Joe is what he is.

Joe Rogan didn't get in this to have a podcast.

No, at all.

He got in it, one, to get away from head wounds.

Yeah.

Head trauma.

Head trauma.

Yeah.

And he loved comedy.

And

I see so many people nowadays, and I'm not, I'm not shitting on them.

I don't really care.

It's like, I just have fun with your life ultimately.

But like, it's so funny that the thing that we picked

when we had no real,

like, a lot of options now seems like a very viable job for people.

Yeah.

I mean, I think.

Do you remember telling your dad you wanted to do comedy?

Yes.

How did that go?

You know, he was surprisingly, like, I don't think he fully got it, but he was really supportive.

Yeah.

He was just like,

you got to go try to do this because

his story was that, you know, he was like, he ran track.

He played football.

He was a starting quarterback.

He was a competitive Olympic lifter.

And what he wanted to do was be a high school football coach and a PE teacher.

That's what he wanted to do.

And he said that he told his dad, and his dad was like, no son of mine is going to be a PE teacher.

Right.

So, and he always talked about he loved, he loved football, college, but he's like, I loved, he's like, I wanted to be a high school football coach.

And my dad was like, absolutely not.

So, you know, he went into like a traditional,

he became a financial advisor.

He's the guy that you go, I want to open a 401k.

And he liked it.

You get to work with people and he loved working with people and stuff.

And, but when I was like, yeah, I want to do comedy.

He was like, I'm going to do what my dad didn't do.

And like, he's like, I don't really understand how that works.

Yeah.

But I'm saying, go try it because you don't want to be older and be like, like, I wish I would have tried this thing.

So he was really encouraging.

My mom was like, what are you talking about?

Like, you should go to the post office and get a job at the post office.

And I was like, what?

And she was like, this way you have a job and you can do your shows at night.

And I go, at the fucking post office?

And she was 100% serious, you know.

She's like, they have benefits and the federal employee.

And I'm like, what?

So, but he was always very encouraging, you know?

And like, he was like thrilled when I made 50 bucks.

I was told one time I made $50 doing this show.

He was like, Jesus, really?

I go, yeah.

Give me 50 bucks just to pop into the show.

And he was like, that's fucking great.

He was like telling, he was bragging.

He was like, I got like 50 bucks to do a show.

But he was like super excited by it.

But he also was just like,

you know, I don't know how this works.

Yeah.

And I also remember telling him like, oh, like this month, you know, I shot that commercial, but like the residuals haven't come in, so it's not good.

He's like, hey, you got to like figure something out.

And that's when I was like, yeah, like one of those early transition stages.

And I got a job at a pizza place off of Riverside Drive in the valley.

Oh, wow.

And I was, I was like, so I was like, I was like, okay, I got to like.

You should have joined the post office.

Yeah, the post office would have been cooler.

That's why I started doing all those odd-end jobs was like, you know, to float between.

And then, even then, dude, I still remember in 2011, the improv gave me

nine weeks in a row of headlining, in a row,

one week off, and then 11 weeks in a row headlining.

Wow.

And I took every single week.

And when I got back from

20 weeks of headlining, I was like, I have to get a job.

They were paying me $12.50, which everyone's going to be like, $1,250 a week.

You got to pay for travel.

Pay for travel.

And you live while you're there.

You got to buy certain meals and shit and pay your...

Got back and I was like, yeah, it's not enough to live.

For headlining the A club of the nation.

Right.

And that's when I became a site rep.

Remember when I was a site rep?

Oh, yeah.

So that's what site rep is like.

Somebody's like, yeah, you can shoot in our building for a production, but somebody has to oversee the product, like the liaison between the building and the production.

So then I had to do that.

And that was like

after headlining all those weeks, I was like, oh, this is fucking,

yeah.

But he still was like, very, he was still like, yeah, you know, I go like, oh, yeah, you know, I'm still doing better than last year.

That's what I always graded on for him.

I was like, well, last year I was like this.

This year's a better year.

Oh, I was the exact opposite.

I had an amazing first year of comedy.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

You had like deals.

I had an amazing second year of comedy.

I had an amazing first three, four years of comedy was like chosen child, the chosen one.

Pete, can I get a beer?

Chosen one.

You can have this one.

And then, okay.

I trust you.

Yeah.

That second shit's coming up.

Is it?

Well, that was close.

I got it, Pete.

Oh, we had.

Thank you.

So,

yeah, I had a big deal six months into doing comedy with Will Smith.

I had another big deal.

I had a TV show.

I did a pilot.

I had another TV show.

And then I spent it all.

Isn't that crazy?

I spent it all.

I spent, I, I spent money.

Like, I remember one time my business manager called and he was like, are you sick?

Yeah.

And I was like, why?

And he goes, you're spending money like you're dying.

I was like, am I not?

I remember, I remember my, I remember my

credit card.

My credit card got declined for a pizza.

That's when I knew I didn't have any money left.

That was a canary in the mine.

Yeah.

I had whatever it was, like a Merrill Lynch, right?

Is that it?

Like a Merrill Lynch card?

Yeah.

And I got a pizza.

And I was, and I, I think I either gave him the credit card number and it got declined.

And I was like, so I'm out of money.

That's how I knew I was out of money.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

I did know that one time I took, this is like, I don't remember the year, but, you know, I just started to work more and like, I think I put out an album.

So I had like the,

and

you look at when you book a trip, like, oh, the rooms are this, this is, and you're like, oh, so it'll cost this much.

Yeah.

And I tell Christina, we're going to Hawaii.

We go to Hawaii.

And then during the trip,

I'm realizing that like,

lunch

at this hotel is like $400.

Like, they're just like, this is the only place to eat.

It's $400 for lunch.

And I'm like,

and Christina's like, we can afford this.

I'm like, yeah.

And we get to the end of the thing and I see like the checkout bill.

And I'm like, this is like three times what I thought this was.

Yeah.

And I'm just like, and I like hand it over.

And I get back and I'm like, I'm making like payments on this thing.

And I was like, this is fucking stupid.

She has no idea that I'm like, I think I have to sell something

to pay for this trip.

You know, you know my story of my honeymoon, right?

Yeah, of course.

I brought it up earlier.

Yeah.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's fucking devastating.

You're like, oh my God.

It's fucking insane.

And it's how things can just turn.

Like, you know, I mean, dude, I remember this is, this is crazy, but I remember when my dad came out in like, I think that was 2017, 2017 or 18.

And I was like, oh, these are my tax returns for this year.

And he goes, do you realize that

you earned more this year than in my entire career combined?

And I was like, really?

And he was like, yeah.

And I go, do you realize that this was like just talking about my dick and farts and stuff?

That's it.

It's just me being like, I farted and I actually shit when I farted.

And he was like, that's great, buddy.

Isn't that crazy, though?

What's crazy is your kids will never have that with you.

They fucking better not.

Yeah, my daughters will never make more money than I did.

It's a great, they're about to start their careers.

They'll never achieve what I have achieved.

They'll never produce shoes.

They will always, I will always be, I will be their Bruce Willis.

They will always be my Tallulahs and scouts.

They are, yeah, it's kind of, I remember my dad's at one point, I remember saying, like, I don't know what to do.

And he's like, buddy, I can't tell you.

I don't, I've never, I didn't make money like that.

And I was like, okay, so what do we do?

He's like, I I don't know.

He's like, good luck.

My daughter's old.

It's kind of nice.

It's kind of nice.

It's kind of nice.

And by the way, I want to just point this out to bring this full circle.

All of my life happened while I was drinking.

That is a

you're, you're sitting.

Look at it over here.

You're sitting on your couch right now.

Thinking about your coffee, thinking about quitting drinking.

You're putting the Zen in.

You're hungover.

You're listening to us.

And you're thinking, I need to change my life.

No, you don't.

You don't need to change your life.

You just got to dial it in.

Listen, here's the deal.

Go to the bar tonight.

And if you're having that thought, don't forget, if you're having that thought, man, alcohol is ruining my life.

It's not.

It's not.

It's you.

It's you.

It's you.

The alcohol.

Listen, how many dry drunks do you know?

How many guys do we know that are sober that are still a fucking mess?

Yes.

And then they're like, yeah, man, I couldn't drink.

I fucking, I'd lose my life.

And you're like, no, you're still a piece of shit.

But if you're ready to make that phone call to say, I need help, I need to do a hotline.

Kick this thing that I think's taken over my life.

You're saying that's not the thing to do.

No, it's not.

Here's what you're doing.

You're on your couch.

You're having a Zen.

You're having a coffee.

And you're saying, that's it.

I'm done.

She won't call me back.

I fucked up last night.

I don't know her mic.

You know, I listened to.

Have you listened to Josh Brolin talk about getting sober?

I heard a clip.

I think you sent me

a clip of him talking about.

I'm a huge Josh Brolin fan.

He's fantastic.

But holy fuck.

yeah he's a he's really had a problem yeah i mean the clip is worth finding he's doing a podcast i think with woody harrels maybe or oh was it i don't know i didn't even see who else was on there and it no it's woody harrelson and and uh and ted danson oh they have a podcast oh really yeah they have a podcast that's awesome yeah apparently they're like best friends yeah they did a show together no i know that but they're like legit still best friends

that crazy yeah um but josh broland's like

he was like, what got you to quit drinking?

He said, you know, I woke up on the sidewalk.

Yeah.

Okay.

Here's what I would say when I watch that clip.

And

I've met Josh Brolin and I don't know him, but I've met him.

I met him.

I met him.

He's the coolest dude.

You know what Josh Brolin did?

He quit the drinking, but he got fucking help.

Like he fixed Josh Brolin.

Like it wasn't the booze.

It's the fucking dude inside the booze.

But couldn't you argue that some dudes just can't handle booze sure don't drink i don't care but okay but like but that's not that's that's few and far between

most of the people that quit drinking are just like

like stevo couldn't steve oh is a better human being sober okay by far What I'm talking about is the dudes who that man, it's like, it's like they almost get in your head with like, you got to be sober.

And then all of a sudden you quit drinking, but you're like, I don't know.

I don't know what I'm trying to say.

But it's like, I think, you ready for this?

Yeah.

I'm ready.

I think a lot of dudes, I'm saying dudes, so I'm not going to talk about women.

I'm a man.

I only talk about men.

A lot of dudes get sober for the attention.

And you got to realize, are you getting sober for the attention?

Are you getting sober because you're sitting there going like, I want to tell people, I want to have a reason for people to root for me again?

Like, like, hey, you just, you know, I quit drinking.

And you're like, oh, good for you.

And then that's your thing.

That's your new thing.

But, by the way, that's the same thing Booze was for you.

right booze was that same thing so in other words instead of like trying to get the attention that way

stick to who you were stick to who you are get don't change don't drink or don't quit drinking yeah but just get it under control get it under control do this go to the bar tonight have a drink and then don't drink for one hour what about the person who's like yeah i can't do that i don't know well that shouldn't they quit then

get a job on a boat

what happens i don't know i don't know the fucking tell that guy i don't know but i think that's who we're talking to to is like the person who's like, what do I do if I can't wait an hour?

Oh, I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe you have a problem.

You might have a problem.

You might need to quit.

We're going to wrap up on that.

I don't know.

I mean,

don't forget, if you're trying to get your shit together, listen to Bert.

He has good ideas.

Just know that if you are trying to get your shit together, that there's one person in this world that will still love you, drunk or sober.

If you fall off the wagon, I will still love you.

If you decide to get sober, I'll still love you.

That's the way the world should work.

And that's the people you need in your life.

And you get more people like that in in your life, like my best friend, Tom Segura, who has loved me drunk, sober, fat, skinny, poor, rich, everything.

Every single day.

That's what you need, not the fucking other stuff.

That's true.

And we love you, and we thank you for watching and for listening.

And we'll see you next week.

cave.