LeeAnn VS Hawk Tuah | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave.

Quick reminder in a couple weeks, I will be in San Diego on November the 8th and in Phoenix on November 9th.

Get tickets, tomskira.com slash tour.

As always, is joining me, my buddy, the very Rosie Red Burt Kreischer.

I think my team's trying to fuck me in the ass.

I think I'm not really this red, everybody.

I think there's a conspiracy in podcasting where people take my clips and they make me even redder.

You think

they're doing it in post?

Like they're just like...

I think they're doing it in post.

I'm not this red.

I don't think I'm ready.

Like I look like a regular person.

No one ever says to me in person.

I'm sitting right in front of you.

You look really red.

I'm sitting right in front of you.

You look normal.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I had a rough night's sleep last night.

Really?

I figured out what AI is.

Did you not know what it was?

I didn't really, I didn't understand what AI was.

What did you think it was before you tell me what you figured out?

I thought it was just Chat GBT.

I thought it was just like,

it's like, I think Chat GPT is pretty funny, you know?

Like, it's like, yo, like, I did this the other day.

I was at breakfast with Leanne.

I think you'll get a kick out of this.

So, um,

chat,

I said to

I said to Chat GPT,

how might Burt Kreischer kick off a breakfast conversation with his wife?

We were having breakfast.

Yeah.

And ChatGPT said, hey, babe, laughing hysterically.

Man,

I got to tell you, I woke up starving.

What are we eating?

I had the weirdest dream last night.

Don't laugh.

But I was being chased by a giant pancake, laughing.

Speaking of pancakes, we should get some pancakes today.

How did you sleep, by the way?

And I was like,

it's spot on.

It's spot on.

And I was like, that's cool.

And then it stuck with me.

That's spot on.

That's spot on.

A computer is thinking identically like I am.

And I couldn't let go of that.

And I was like, okay.

So if AI is going, is growing exponentially every day, right?

And we're just at the at the baby steps of it right now.

And they can think like I think, what if they can get it to start, this is how stupid I am?

I was like, what if they can get it to think like Rogan thinks?

And then I was like, holy shit, what if they can get it to think like the people that are on Rogan's podcast?

What if they can get it to think like Elon Musk?

And then I started losing my mind.

And I was like, what if people use this for bad?

Yeah, this has been a very big conversation that's been happening at a very high level for probably the last year.

And one of the biggest proponents of that conversation is Elon Musk himself.

He's the one saying we should not have AI?

He's the one that has been highlighting the dangers of what can happen with an unrestrained AI.

He's the one that says that, yeah, like we don't know.

He knows basically that it has capabilities that are beyond our grasp at the moment and that it could get to a dangerous place.

So he was very vocal about that.

Dude, I got into a spiral last night laying in bed.

Like I've been hitting my vape pen aggressively to go to bed.

Really?

Yeah.

You don't like edibles?

I don't not like edibles, but I have to be able to be around people on edibles.

Like I can't just.

What about a nice nighttime edible, though?

The one that just kind of helps you.

I don't notice the difference between the nighttime and the and the social ones.

Really?

I don't.

It's high as high to me.

Like I go, I'm high.

Like I definitely know that one time we went to that basketball game and you gave me a vape pen and you're like, yeah, that's indica.

I know that I was not present.

I was like this.

Yeah.

That's a good indica then.

Really?

I mean, that's the one that's supposed to send you probably to because I typically, unless it's a very clean, not rocket-fuel-powered sativa, yeah, like I'll do that, but I have to, it has to feel like light and fresh.

Then I always do indica because I, it's always an end-of-the-day thing for me.

And I like the like the mild indica edibles, those are nice.

Well, I just started sober October, so maybe I'll try uh you're doing sober October?

Yeah, of course.

I do it.

I do it anyway.

Like, I know no one I know.

We don't really even need it.

As a group, we didn't talk about it, so I didn't know if you were doing it.

I mean, it's harvest day at our house.

We have roughly nine marijuana plants that we'll be harvesting, drying, and then curing, and they will be ready at the end of sober October.

So, that's a that's a very uh beautiful celebration commemorating the beginning of it is getting your marijuana ready for the end of it.

I know.

So, you'll be you'll be drug-free for the month?

Drug-free.

I think I'm gonna, I don't know.

Do you think

because last sober October I did smoke weed?

I mean, that's definitely not technically sober.

Are you just abstaining from booze then?

I'm just abstaining.

I'm really abstaining from booze.

Like, I need a break from booze.

I had a rough, I had a long weekend in Vegas, and I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, yo.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You had shows, right?

I had two shows at Resorts World.

Was it funny?

That place is fucking awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That place is fucking awesome.

They were funny shit.

Yeah, they were funny shit, and I didn't have any, like, I haven't, I haven't done stand-up without a goal in mind in

probably like eight years, ten years.

Without a goal.

Like, meaning like every time I'm doing stand-up, I'm always like.

Getting ready for a special or writing a new movie.

I'm like in a panic to write a new act because I got to go tour.

Like I'm I'm never like I'm even when I'm at this store I'm still trying to like create new stuff not in in like in in like not in a panic but in like uh like i need to write i need to write i need to write i haven't gone around and fucked around on stage like i did when i toured funny bones like for the first 15 years of my career i haven't fucked around on stage in so long and i had so much fun fucking around on stage i had dude yeah i had great i had great shows bargatzi came by to do run his s and l um

uh opening monologue bobby lee was with me and uh it was it was a blast.

And then we went to Skank Fest every night to go, like, at the end of the night, I'd hang out at the casino, party, and then around 12, we'd go down to Skank Fest.

That's fucking, that's fun, man.

Yeah, it's so your vibe.

You're such a Skank Fest dude.

That's great.

That's great.

Well, it's funny.

I see what you're doing there.

It's like, it's just,

you love it, man.

Yeah.

What part would I like the most i think your favorite part would have been already shitting on stage what the man

where what kind of stage was this outdoor stage it was indoor oh my god just on the floor no they put out a tarp they put out a tarp i don't even know if we can talk about this because i don't know if it was this like they do secret shows it's it's so

i'll tell you the people that go there are the are probably the most die-hard comedy fans like they are ride or die comedy fans guys that can quote your jokes from

years ago they're

they really are and they're and they you cannot offend that group you can say the most wild

not gonna not even gonna bump anyone in that room but uh but in doing that lewis and big j and dave and ari and joe de rosa and norton and everyone really step up their game to go all right let's see if we can at least get a gasp out of them.

Yeah.

And man, Ari got Ari fucking.

Oh, he took a shit.

He, yeah, he took a shit.

And there was more to it.

I'm going to, I'm sure the video is going to come out somewhere.

Yeah, of course.

It has to.

Twitter.

Twitter's like, yeah, do it.

Yeah.

And by the way, he,

you know, I got to take a second and say what a fascinating human being Ari Sphere is.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I don't spend a ton of time with him because we're so far apart.

Like, we're, I'm in, I'm, I'm just, it's like I was always on tour he's always in austin or in new york he's always traveling he

just to start off he's jewish very low-key he's a real introvert

it's what's so fascinating is he's an actual introvert so in all these interactions where he hangs out with fans you know his arms are crossed and he's like hey hi hi hi

yeah yeah

and then something happens where it switches in his brain and And he comes alive.

And he becomes alive.

It's the

lore of stage really fucking opens up who he is.

I don't, maybe hiding or not hiding.

It's fascinating to me because I kind of get shit for being the same guy on stage as offstage.

He definitely has a switch.

He has a switch.

It's so funny.

You have a switch.

Yeah.

And Burr has a switch.

Rogan has a switch.

Everyone's got a switch.

And I'm watching it.

And then like Bobby Kelly doesn't have a switch.

Bobby Kelly is who he is on stage as he is off stage.

It's like certain guys don't have a switch and I'm one of those guys.

But like

he shaved half of his face and head and had a beard on the other half.

Ari did?

Yeah.

Also crazy.

Which is completely acceptable for Skanks Fest, right?

So insane.

Yeah.

And then yesterday, me and him went wake surfing out on Lake Mead with Austin Keene, who's like the number one wake surfing guy in the world.

And we went wake surfing.

We had a great time, had some cold beers, taught Ari to wake surf.

Ari got pretty good at the end.

And then he was running late for his flight.

He was in wet pants and a semi-wet sweatshirt or a tank top with his face shaved halfway.

He was just dropping me off the airport in flip-flops.

And he walked into the airport as that human being, as an introvert.

I know he's an introvert.

Yeah.

But it's so fascinating to me that he looks like a sideshow.

I mean, he looks like a lunatic.

Yeah, he's actual.

And he's wet.

He's soaking wet.

That's how he got on the fucking plane like that?

He got on a plane to Austin, soaking wet.

And flip-flops.

Soaking flat.

And just, yeah.

Did you guys drop me off the airport?

I guess I didn't book that 630.

Okay.

And then I was like, hey, man.

I just, I did a video.

I was like, I have to dress up to fly, but I also have flight anxiety.

So like I have little rituals I have to dress up as, or, you know, I have to wear a certain outfit.

But you always wear like track suits to fly?

Track suits.

Now I wear tracksuits.

You're the one that changed that.

I used to wear jeans,

boots, a sweatshirt, and a certain t-shirt from

Lucky Jeans.

I didn't wear one of my three t-shirts from Lucky Jeans for every flight.

And then one day

you texted me and you're like, dude, sweatpants are a game changer.

And I was like, really?

And you sent me a pair.

This fucking

lunatic.

He walked on a plane like that, Tom.

Dude.

He walked on a plane like that.

Yeah, that's totally crazy.

That's totally crazy.

Like, he's such a

good person.

And you know, I said to him when I said, you know,

I was like, hey, we're going to go wake surfing.

My buddy Austin is.

Have you gone wake surfing on your boat?

No.

I got to get Austin to come show you how to do it with your boys because

it is so fun.

Where does he live?

He lives in San Diego, but I mean, you have to do it.

Your boys would love it.

It is so fun.

I think,

yeah, Ellis might be ready to do that.

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

And

by the way, I was like, Ari and I were like, man, I wish I could have a lake.

I wish I had a boat.

And Ari's like, yo, Rogan and Tom are on a lake.

Why don't we just go to their houses all the time and wake surf?

Yeah, and I have a boat for it.

Yeah, dude, it's so fun.

And, but Ari goes, I said to him, I was like, you know, we're at SkanksFest.

He's shitting on places.

He's walking around naked.

His dick and balls are out.

And I was like, hey, do you want to invite?

We have room on the boat.

I have three friends here.

Do you want to invite them?

And he was like, you know, I don't really like, you know, being around people.

And I was like, you're naked.

You're naked walking into a boxing ring.

What part of you is an introvert?

I don't know.

I don't get it.

He's like, look, I just want to hang out with my friend tomorrow.

And I was like, okay.

So I didn't invite them.

But he's just like, it's so fascinating to me because I really am an actual extrovert.

100%.

That's why when AI takes over and we all have to get off the grid.

Yeah.

This is one night last night.

I was like, so there will be our first glitch will be AI takes over.

Everything shuts down all the internet.

There are no more landlines.

No one's got a landline.

Landlines don't exist.

They're all based through internet companies anyway.

So there's no calling a landline.

Listen right now, if you have a child in college, you better tell them, find the closest payphone, get me that number.

And then you better find the closest payphone and get that number because that's the only way you will be able to communicate with your child when AI fucks his system up.

Is there any payphones left?

Fuck.

There's got to be a couple.

Maybe.

Maybe.

But I was like, when AI takes away the station.

You're going to go to Greyhounds, Greyhound stations.

There has to be by a bus station.

Yeah.

That's pretty much it.

Yeah.

I'm going to come.

How much did you drink over the weekend?

A lot.

A lot.

Here's the problem.

I got.

If one day gets away from me, the rest of the week is a shit show.

So like Thursday.

Thursday was the one that got away from me.

Thursday, I had a

I got a froze

when I landed.

Uh-huh.

Let me, okay, hold on.

Hold on.

Okay.

Let me break it down.

Okay.

I was wrong.

Thursday is not the day that got away from me.

Oh.

Wednesday got away from me.

Wednesday.

Wednesday night.

Wednesday night.

I went to a party at Whitney Cummings house.

Now, look, I know that there are some pictures that are out of this party.

So I'm cool sharing.

I feel weird telling stories out of school, like at private time, because

you meet people and people live private lives.

But some people posted some pictures, so I'm okay saying it.

The party was fucking insane.

It was all scientists,

doctors,

mathematicians,

geniuses, and then pro skateboarders and

some comedians, a couple comedians, and then singers.

So it was like the weirdest group of people I've ever been around.

And I got Leanne.

I got Leanne

who doesn't know anyone.

She doesn't know a fucking person.

And she's talking to Eric Weinstein.

Yeah.

Eric Weinstein, for those of you guys that don't know, might be one of the most brilliant people in the world.

This is what got me on my AI fucking, my AI spiral is Eric fucking Weinstein.

He's talking to Leanne Leanne and he says a word, and she goes, Hold up, slow down.

What's that word mean?

And he was like, Huh?

She's like, I don't know what that word means.

Tell me what that word means.

And he's like, I,

well, okay.

Like, he's never done that.

He's never had to, the people he talks to, they all know the big words.

And Leanne was stopping everyone in the room.

I don't know what that word means.

Tell me what that word means.

And then she looked at me and she goes, I ain't gonna be the idiot in here that just nods and doesn't know what that word means.

I know there's other people that don't know what that word means.

And I was like, you're right.

You're totally right.

I don't know what that word means.

But I just sat back and went, yeah.

Yeah.

It was so funny.

Yeah.

It was, dude, it was the wild.

It was one of the funnest nights I've ever had.

Honestly, in having conversations, there's me and Eric Weinstein, who is my new fucking bestie.

Yeah.

He is, oh, dude, me and him are so different.

I can imagine.

Yeah.

We are so different.

I didn't think you were so similar.

He said to me,

we were talking today, and I said, I don't know, man, I'm just a fucking idiot.

And he goes, stop.

I refuse to believe I'm speaking to an idiot.

I don't speak to idiots and you're not in this house because you're a fucking idiot.

You're not where you are because you're an idiot.

So let's stop that right now.

And I went, thank you so much.

I was like, you just made me feel so good.

He's awesome, dude.

You know what?

He was, I got, I was in a room with a bunch of scientists and brilliant people and the best skateboarders in the world.

And Eric Weinstein's like, let's break down the Hoctua girl.

And I was like, yeah, baby.

Oh, he did.

Oh, yeah.

That's funny.

And in the most mathematical genius, him and Huberman are like talking about fame and what it does to people and how it's and how people shouldn't be famous, but some people should be famous.

And like, it was wild.

I don't think her fame has really faded in the way that some people thought.

I think it's, it's kind of like sticking around.

She's kind of adorable.

Yeah, no.

I mean, I keep seeing her.

pop up on things.

I see people get really mad about it.

And then other people just go like, I don't know, she seemed like she seems like actually

well

built for what's coming, what's happening to her.

Like she seems to be like taking it pretty well.

She literally said

four fucking words.

And

all this is because of that.

Because she did it in a charming way.

Isn't that nuts?

It's all she said.

I think it's so,

it's the most American thing in the world.

Totally.

100%.

The most American.

Where's the beef?

That's it.

Yeah.

That's it.

Tastes great.

Les Billing.

Tastes great.

Les Billing.

She's charming.

And everyone is like, cool.

We want to keep talking to you.

But she is very charming.

She's really charming.

And she's very self-deprecating.

And like, I guess she's still dialed in.

Like, her and her best friend.

I think her best friend's adorable too, by the way.

But her best friend, there was a video I saw of her.

And I guess her.

I don't know the right way to say this because she is so much younger than me, but there's a picture where it looks like her vagina is eating her shirt.

Have you seen it?

Okay.

no no see if you can find her it's called uh i forget what it's called but it's it's a video i saw of her shirt go scroll down i think you just saw it scroll

it's a picture of her in a shirt and and her her shirt's longer than her pants but it looks like she's got a camel toe cool on her no that's not it okay

and so uh But the way she handled it is apparently like everyone's lighting her up online and she just rolls off of it.

Here's the thing about someone like her is she got nothing to lose.

So what the fuck does she care?

Of course.

She was probably working at fucking Hobby Lobby or whatever before.

No, she was working at a spring factory.

A what?

Spring factory.

A spring factory?

She was making springs.

Like mattress springs?

Mattress springs.

She was making mattress springs.

Her mother's a crackhead.

She lived with her grandmother.

Her grandmother's fucking adorable.

They still put food away in like in like Tupperware that they've had for years.

They're not using disposable Tupperware.

They're like, I mean, honestly, I showed a picture of her grandmother cooking to Leanne, a video, and Leanne got emotional.

She's like, I miss my granny.

It looks exactly like Leanne's grandmother's house.

But I think there's a part of America that goes fucking finely.

Yeah, no,

she has resonated with a huge, huge audience for sure.

And there's people that hate her for no other reason than she's getting.

Shirt pussy.

Shirt pussy.

Oh, shirt.

Shirt pussy.

Shirt pussy.

Shirt tussie.

Oh, I see.

That happened yesterday.

Imagine waking up from a nap.

I have like a bunch of messages and everything else.

I was like, what's this about?

She FaceTimes me.

She's like, Haley, go to your Instagram.

I was like, what?

What is it?

She's like, shirtusy.

People are talking about your shirt, Tussie.

And she was like, oh, yeah.

I'm like, why does it look like that?

She kind of.

By the way, she sounds like Leanne.

Doesn't she?

Yeah.

And let me tell you something.

I guarantee if she ever meets Eric Weinstein, she'll be like, what's that word mean?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know what that word means.

Yeah, there's something adorable.

I mean, I'm married to, I'm married to Haktua, so it's there's something kind of adorable of someone who has not changed, despite the world around them changing, yeah, and them being the same person.

But

a tongue swirl, right?

Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's a tongue swirl.

Tap it, tongue swirl, tap it.

Whose pussy is this?

You got to clean that up like an ice cream cone.

Oh, she watched that in bed last night.

And

I go, I go, hey, because I tell her, if I come up on Instagram, don't watch it.

I don't want to watch it.

I can't, if it's good or if it's bad, none of it can register with me.

I'm like, I literally am, I am like completely, I was just talking to someone about this this weekend where I was like, who was I talking to?

I was like, I just, I,

if I allow the good to influence me, then I'll start looking for the good.

Yeah.

And then if I allow the bad to influence me, then I'll start looking for good to help me out.

And it's just, it's like a, it's, it's not worth it.

Yeah, yeah.

I was talking to someone and they were like, you know, um, my therapist says it's identical to a relapse.

Like when you get back into your comments, you're relapsing.

Yeah, it makes sense.

And I was like, oh, yeah.

So I don't do it.

So if Leanne will just scroll, and if it's me, she loves me.

So she'll go, oh, I wonder what this is.

I go, don't.

I'm in bed with her.

And there's a video of me and you from back in the day.

You know, those pages that they're like,

I wish there was a page dedicated to just Tom and Burt being funny.

Yeah.

And then it's like a good clip.

I go, don't watch it.

I don't want to watch it.

She goes, what?

It's funny.

And I went, I know, but if I watch those, then I

get excited and I start looking for those.

And I don't want that.

I don't watch anyone's clips.

All I look at is fucking boat disasters and Puerto Rican guys getting their haircut.

And she's like, okay.

And then she goes to the next one.

And it's me and you.

And it's from your mom's house page.

And it's the, it's the talking during sex and i go hey yeah i don't watch these i don't watch these she's like wait hold on i want to see this is recent i go stop take it off turn it off and she goes wait when was this and then it's like me going whose pussy is this and she stopped and started laughing hysterically she goes you told him this i said yeah and she goes why would you tell him that's so that's like humiliating for you

i was like yeah i know i figured that out later yeah i figured that out later that is hilarious but there is something like

it's fascinating i remember i remember the first person i ever watched change right and i i could be this this story up but like the first person that we're like celebrity changed them a little bit was like daniel tosh and daniel tosh made a joke on stage he's like yeah i didn't like who i was that's why i changed that's so funny It was such a great joke.

And I was like, that's interesting.

I think I've changed in a lot of ways.

Like, celebrity does affect you.

You have access to things that you never would have had access to.

And I think those are all cool.

And I'm sure it'll happen to her.

Like,

I'm watching it happen to our friends who are getting like ultra famous.

And I'm watching them be uncomfortable with it.

And it affecting them.

But once it affects you, once you start dressing down to go on stage

to seem relatable,

like say you go like, say you show up in a suit and then you go, yeah, but I got to go out in

old sneakers and a stained shirt.

It's inauthentic.

Then it's inauthentic.

And what's the funny thing is they're trying to, they're doing it to be authentic.

They're like,

this will make me seem like I'm the same guy.

And it's contrived.

And it's actually,

you can go as far to say it is unethical because you are completely manipulating people to think that you are something that you are not.

And I know a dozen guys this i know i know more guys like this than than

than the other and the funny thing is like they're all they're full of these guys are full of

and people will sometimes like

talk about these guys like hey look how nice this is like he's he's one of us and he's like no he's not he's manipulating you he lies manipulating you yeah it's yeah it's nonsense and what i think is cool about this young lady is like i don't think

wow that's what I fucking love that's what I love about those videos Tom the about like Mama J Ray and and and Trailer Park Tammy or whatever trailer park yeah Passy just being themselves?

No, I no.

I love that they are themselves, but I love when they do try to manipulate.

Because I can identify it.

And I go like, like,

Like anytime you do a shot of the store you're shopping at, it's because you're looking for a little something.

You're trying to manipulate the store into thinking, oh, how cool.

Like there was, yeah, and so there is a weird manipulation of that.

And I think that's what's going to be fascinating about Haktua is like as I wish her all the success in the world.

I really do.

I think it's going to be fun to watch.

But like

the day that

the day that she starts changing the way she's going to have to change the way she dresses because all women do.

Like at a certain time you'll happen just naturally just naturally yeah it'll happen naturally and but people will associate that to look at how different you are i miss the old days always 100 and it's so fascinating it's so it's so fucking it's honestly like

it's to be expected but um it's so silly to be like yeah somebody this person this woman shouldn't evolve.

She should stay exactly like the day that we discovered her.

It's silly.

Do you know what's so interesting about Joe Rogan?

is that at the very crucial moment when he started having wild success and he would have changed to the suit-wearing

fucking jewelry, unrelatable guy,

he changed in the most authentically odd way of becoming a hunter.

Yeah.

It was an evolution.

It's still an evolution.

It's still an evolution.

It's still an evolution.

I remember the first time I saw him wearing sunglasses backwards on the back of his hat.

And I was like, what the fuck?

Yeah, he did.

He evolved into, but there's a couple other things about him.

He genuinely does not care

for clothes.

No, for clothes.

He doesn't.

No.

He doesn't like.

And the other thing is, he's one of one of certainly one of the people I've met who goes, Do you know how I buy pants?

Like what I, what I, my criteria for buying pants?

And you're like, what?

He goes, I, I only buy pants that I can kick in.

So, like, all of his pants are just like,

can I kick in these unrestrained?

And that's it.

Can I tell you the second I stopped wearing boots?

Yeah.

The day I stopped wearing boots is because of Joe Rogan.

I wore Fry.

Oddly enough, they're called Fry

Rogan boots.

Leanne bought me a pair for my birthday, and I love these fucking boots.

Can you pull up Fry, F-R-Y-E Rogan boots?

They're so fucking badass.

And I wore these boots.

You'll remember these boots, Tom.

They're in the dead center, dead center, dead center, dead center, dead center.

Right there.

Yeah.

The Rogan Engineer boots.

I wore those boots.

And I had a different shade.

Mine were more like a darker color.

Yeah.

They were badass.

I loved them.

I get them shining with the airplane.

Why did you stop?

They got stolen, for one.

But they got stolen.

But right before they got stolen, Rogan and I were on a podcast.

And I told him yeah we were talking about what you wear on stage and I said oh I always wear the same thing jeans Rogan boots and then no shirt and I didn't say Rogan boots because I didn't know they were called Rogan boots at the time these fry boots and he goes you wear boots on stage and I said yeah and he goes what if something happens you have to get away I was like yeah what do you mean he's like if you like you're if you're attacked wouldn't you need some traction he goes I would start wearing shoes if I were you And I was like, okay.

And the next week, a dude rushed to the stage and took my drink out of my hand.

And I was in boots and I, and I slipped because the stage is wet.

And I was like, I'm never going to wear boots again.

And I started wearing sneakers from that day forward because

Rogan got in my head.

I only buy pants I can kick in.

It's an incredible insight into like how people's brains work differently and different things.

He is somebody who thinks about exits and like being able to move and like, you know, what happened.

Like he's always talking about security breaches.

Like he was doing this even before he was super famous.

And I was always like, huh?

Like, what, dude?

But that is definitely how his brain works.

And his clothes, he fucking, he's like, don't care.

Always was like, I don't care what clothes I wear.

Can I kick in it?

Can I punch in it?

You know, I just need to be able to fucking drop down and whatever, get on the ground and fucking move around in it.

And you're like, what?

Like, that's just how his brain works.

Like, that's if I'm home.

If I'm home, I will only wear active wear clothes.

Like, it like I always change when I get home.

If I wake up in the day, I throw on, I mean, lately it's been those,

my favorite shorts in the world are like the

champion mesh pants.

I love those so much.

And I get them every school, every arena I ever go to, I always get those pants.

But I put on running shorts almost every day, running shorts, my running shoes, and then a t-shirt.

Maybe a sweatshirt over it because I need stuff in the pockets in the running shorts.

And I'll keep that on every day because I always want to be able to go work out.

I always want to be able to do another workout.

I always want to go for a hike if I can go for a hike.

Or like I go for a walk.

Like after this, I'll just go for a walk around the neighborhood and just walk for an hour.

And I always like to be in active wear.

I get that.

And even on the road, if I go on the road, I put on activewear to do my day.

And it's usually, it's usually, shout out to Bert Soren.

It's Soren X.

Bert Soren has the best silkies.

It's what the Marines wear.

And

they're so fucking comfortable.

It's basically like wearing nothing, but

he sent me maybe 20 pairs in XL, and I got black and Army green, and I wear those almost every fucking day.

That's awesome.

That's awesome.

Yeah, I.

Yeah, those are them.

Soren X black silkies.

They're so comfortable.

They're so fucking comfortable.

And they, and if you move your dick around a little bit, everyone sees it.

They see it?

That's nice.

That always feels good.

I love when you get like a little poke.

Hey, I got to piss real quick.

I got to do it.

Okay, go piss.

Go piss.

Okay.

Yeah.

We are back.

That was an amazing pee.

Do you want to know what Chat GBT says we should talk about today?

Yeah.

Fucking.

Do you have a good childhood adventure, Tom?

A childhood adventure.

Just a funny story from your childhood, and then we could compare our experiences growing up.

That's

okay.

I we don't need we don't need any we don't need Zolo.

I don't need Halston.

I don't need Christian.

I don't need anyone in my office when you have chat GPT.

It's gonna start getting rid of everyone.

AI will get rid of everyone.

They're gonna get rid of doctors.

Do you remember we went the guy who's doing the app where they're gonna just AI will scan your body and tell you what's wrong with you?

Yeah.

And you're 100% you're gonna be 100% right.

Well, what happens to humanity and the workforce in general?

It's when we start going to one of those fictional movies where we all sit on beaches, but we're being drugged because AI will come up with a drug.

I mean, we're already there.

We got

harvesting us for organs?

What are they going to do?

I don't know.

But we're useless.

We're useless.

You know, there's only people that are going to be useful.

People who can dig holes to bury bodies.

Yeah.

That's it.

Physical prowess.

It's going to be physical prowess.

Guys like Joe Rogan, who wear shorts because they can kick, will be the most valuable people in the world.

Oh, like

players.

Like, you know what I mean?

Big bodies we're get we're going back to fucking revenge of the nerds

what you don't

what nerds don't realize they did is they just outsourced themselves

they created a fucking app to replace them

oh

good they're so

they're too smart and now they're gonna go back and you know who the most valuable man in the world is gonna be gronk right because he can run through a wall this is a good premise, Bert.

Am I right?

Yeah, I think it's very fun, but it's a fun story, too.

That like the nerds create the thing, and then they're like, Look how smart I am.

And then everyone celebrates the nerd.

And then the thing that they created fucking puts the nerd in their place, destroys the nerd.

And then the only person left who's just there is just Gronk on me, but

no more.

And then, yeah.

And then he just smashes the machine or whatever.

It will take someone to go, no more AI.

Good.

I mean, it makes the Unibomber look like a fucking genius.

That's, yeah.

This is his entire manifesto.

His entire manifesto.

Bud, we're going to be on, we're going to be up in Ruby Ridge, me and you, and fucking, and living off the grid.

Let's do this now.

Chat GPT,

let's find out.

I'm obsessed with ChatGPT.

I'm using the thing that's trying to kill me.

Where are we going to go when we get off the grid?

Well,

do we stay in the United States?

Sure be a fun time to leave.

It's going to get crazy here, man.

This country?

L.A.

is going to be the first to fucking fall.

Right.

It's a fucking wild country, man.

I think you might want to go somewhere a little more.

We can conquer them.

No.

Chill.

I want to be able to conquer that race of people.

Now you're speaking like your forefathers.

I like this.

I want to be a colonizer.

You got to think.

You got to start all over, okay?

So once AI takes over, we have to start all over.

And it starts all over with colonizing.

Yeah, that's true.

And you take a little bit of chat GPT.

Let's find out real quick.

Well, you're going to need people who are smaller physically in stature.

What would be the best country to colonize?

This is fantastic.

To give you an answer?

No, it's see that we're getting, we're getting the, we're getting the weak, ad-friendly version of ChatGPT, the kind that they're giving the kids.

They're like, colonizing is an outdated practice form.

And you know what?

They're making the one where one day you're going to go, how do I exterminate a race of people?

And they'll be like, very simple.

They all have a protein that you're uneasy.

I mean, it's going to, ChatGPT, I guarantee there's a ChatGPT that could create,

hey, how do I pump up the coronavirus?

And it would be like, very simple.

You just need to.

Is this something you're interested in doing?

Just kind of reliving the pandemic?

No, but here's the thing.

I'm just a comedian.

You know, there's someone actually thinking.

That's true.

How do I do this?

Yeah, that's true.

That's true.

There's a dude out there going,

he's stealing my ideas.

Yeah, they're Persian, buddy.

This is called

the fucking people in charge in Iran are thinking the same thing.

Dude, if you don't think Kim Jong-un is fucking thinking it is fucking AI, all they want to do is fucking wreck shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would love to see his fucking searches, his Google searches.

Wouldn't you love to hear what Kim Jong-un is up to?

Like, he's like,

first of all, you know, he's like, how do I get skinny?

And they're just like, you got to stop.

And then he's like, fuck you for saying I was fat.

And they're like, no, you asked.

And he just goes, like, I, but, um,

yeah, he's, you know, know, he can't get his hands on a nuke, but he's got to be always just asking what else he could do to fuck people up.

That's all he wants to do.

Yeah.

Flex on people, show, but you got to take me seriously.

Fuck this haircut.

Make, take me seriously.

You know, he can't listen.

Like, his, his uncle tried to give him advice and he killed his uncle.

Yeah.

He's like, nah, but you know who he'll listen to?

Yeah.

AI.

He might.

Do you know how he killed his uncle?

How?

He put him in a field and then had everybody in bleachers, like in stands, whatever, a thousand yards away.

And then he had an anti-aircraft missile fired at his uncle so that there wasn't one hair left.

It's pretty intense.

I don't want one hair remaining.

All right.

Yeah.

All right.

Let's just, let's just role play for a second.

Sure.

AI takes over Los Angeles first.

That's a canary in the mind.

Yeah.

Los Angeles, San Francisco shuts down.

San Francisco will be the first city.

It shuts down.

AI shuts it down.

All transit systems are gone.

No more cell phone usage.

The homeless start raging against the machine.

It's the Gronks taking over the nerds.

And we get a sense of it.

Rogan calls us up and he's like, because you know Rogan will be the first one.

They'll be like, yo, I just talked to Elon.

It started.

Yeah.

And then he'll have an exit strategy ready to go.

Yeah.

And you're not going to like where this goes, but let's just take it.

So me and you decide to colonize

a country.

Okay.

Let's start with like a small island or something.

I think I was going to say you're going to need a small population.

Small population, uneducated.

But also, I think it would help to get like

people that are, for the most part, smaller in stature.

So that we

yeah, I was going to say, like, what about the say, the sey chells or something you know what i'm talking about yeah isn't that um aren't the people there naturally smaller size or like you know like a fiji or something so we liquidate all our assets early okay we take all our money together as a team and we go into that island and we say ultimately we're gonna we're gonna make life great here everything's falling apart we're gonna hold arms no one's gonna come and get us we're going to how are we getting there

uh oh fuck because planes are gonna be fucked Boats, we gotta take a boat.

You got old school, you're gonna have to take boats again.

Yeah, you can't take a plane, too.

You gotta take a big boat, dude.

Okay, what we're gonna get, what we're gonna get for, I heard, I heard for

find out how much uh, what we need is a one of those shipping container boats.

How many people live in the say the Seychelles?

Do you say Seychelles?

Is that how you say it?

I have a lot of people to take over.

Oof,

Jesus Christ.

How about how many people live in Papua New Guinea?

But the problem is

they have people in this

goddamn 10 million.

Go back to the Sachels.

We're taking over the Sachels.

Okay.

And so.

Okay.

What's like

society?

We're trying to get what kind of size people are we looking at here, you know?

What is the

how big is the average Sachillian?

Yeah.

Average size.

Average size man?

That was a guy on vacation for sure.

I could take him.

Oh, look.

Oh, no.

Sorry.

For a man, there is 169.2.

What is that?

Well, if they're still using centimeters, we can take them.

Or feet.

Yeah,

that's true.

What does that convert to?

5-5.

Come on.

Dude, that was a good call.

First of all.

We walk in.

We're like, the giants are here.

The giants are here.

Okay, we're taking over the Sachels.

Now, here's a question you're not going to like.

We're going to have to overthrow the government, and we're going to have to kill these people.

Now, you brought up Kim Jong-un.

Do we, do we do it in a public thing?

Like we bring them into the stadium and bring all our new

the people and we kill them in front of people.

That way we establish real dominance?

Or do we do it on the DL like Kim Jong-un, where he's like killing them in the airports, labor camps and shit?

Yeah,

um, yeah, I mean, there's definitely arguments made for both, but I think you're gonna want to have that

public panic, and maybe you don't

have to kill as many because people just fall in line.

They're like, oh shit, Whitey's here, you know, it's like Wasadam Hussein.

Do you remember when he was like, All right, lock the doors?

And they're like, What?

He was like, Hear the names, and everyone, and everyone's like,

Shut the fuck up.

It's got, it's almost like being on Last Comic Standing when they call your name, you just immediately walk away from everyone else and you're like, oh.

Yeah.

You did Last Comic Standing.

Yeah.

How far did you go?

Last Comic Standing to.

I don't know.

To the semifinals?

To New York.

You went to New York.

Or maybe to the finals?

Maybe I got to the finals.

I don't remember.

I got to New York and then they picked the people, I think, going to the house.

Yeah, I did the regional.

I did a regional set in San Francisco.

and then they picked,

I don't know, whatever, for do you remember what jokes you did?

No, but I remember I had a great set, like an objectively good set.

And then you didn't get moved.

I was like, what is that?

And then one of the producers was like, this is casting, man.

This is a casting call.

Yeah.

I was like, oh, it bummed me out.

I definitely wanted to do it.

They told me, I mean,

I guess there's a,

the,

what's it, the statue of limitations is up on this.

Uh, everyone knows the show is not rigged, but it was kind of like, it was kind of like, it was cast.

It was cast, yeah.

And they were like, hey, I was like, I'm going to go out for it this year.

And they were like, yeah, I wouldn't do LA or New York.

And I was like, what?

And they're like, go to Nashville.

I was like, I've never been to Nashville.

And they're like, go to Nashville.

So I went to Nashville.

And it was a bunch of people that like,

that I didn't really know anyone, but the only other person there was John Heffren, who was definitely not from Nashville.

Yeah.

John was like,

They told you to come to Nashville.

And I was like, Yeah, he's like, They're looking for white dudes.

And I was like, Oh, so that's why they came to Nashville.

And he was like, Yeah, it's gonna.

He didn't say it's gonna be me and you because I don't think we knew going in, but we were the two dudes who flew into Nashville to do it, and we were the two dudes that got selected.

That's pretty good.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

But back to this killing everybody.

I just also, we have to show up with more people.

You know that, right?

Buddy,

first of all, you know for a fact if Rogan's like, hey, man,

he's going to participate?

If there was ever going to be a leader of a country,

it's Joe Rogan.

You think so?

Fuck yes.

Fuck yes, dude.

We're just his henchmen.

So how many, but we have to go.

If we're going to arrive and like really,

you know, scare some folks, we've got to come in kind of deep, dude.

Naked with wigs on.

But like 10 of us or 100?

Dude, they've never, here's the thing.

No, no offense to the Sachels.

I don't know anything about Sachel's.

I don't even know where it is, to be done honest with you.

I don't know how long this boat ride's going to be, but I bet they're not like as deep into culture as we are about wild shit.

Like, I bet they've never heard of General Butt Naked, right?

So we take from the greats.

All the great fucking dictators.

We take from the greats a little Saddam Hussein, a little Kim Jong-un, a little Putin, a little General Butt Naked, a little

General Butt Naked.

General Butt Naked.

You don't know who General Butt Naked is?

See, if you don't know who they are, he is, then the Seychelles don't know who General Butt Naked is.

Pull up General Butt Naked.

This guy's a fucking legend when it comes to dictators, dude.

He would have his boys roll in naked in wigs, and fuck, that's how they'd roll into war.

General Butt Naked, Liberian.

Liberia is, I'm not going to Liberia, dude.

That's the Wild West.

There's a lot of places

in Africa on the coasts are fucking insane.

East Africa has got Sudan.

Don't want to fuck with Sudan.

Don't want to fuck with Sudan.

I think that's where that is.

Sudan is.

And then West Africa, wild as shit.

And that's where Liberia is.

So he would roll down.

Just go to, yeah, go to the part.

Go to the part.

Roll down to how we, like, keep scrolling.

Okay, here we go.

You ready?

The unit, including General Butt Naked himself, frequently wore no clothing for their shoes and magic charms, earning the name General Butt Naked.

He claimed that his practice made him and his soldiers immune to bullets.

During the conflict, his forces penetrated numerous atrocities, including cannibalism and human sacrifice.

Jesus.

They would go in naked with wigs on, fucking kill the people with charms, kill them, and then eat them in front of the other people and be like, yeah,

these hearts give you magic powers.

And then he'd tell them, if you guys eat.

Shit.

What?

Recalling the atrocities he and his soldiers perpetrated against civilians during the conflict, he stated in an interview: Sometimes I would enter under the water where children were playing.

I would dive under the water, grab one, carry him under, and break his neck.

Sometimes I'd cause accidents.

I'd just slaughter them.

Fuck, man.

General Butt Naked.

By the way, I think he's still alive.

I think he lives in France.

Says he's alive.

I don't know where he lives, but yeah, he's alive.

There's people who like really hate that dude.

I'm sure.

Fucking A, man.

General, butt naked.

Never knew about him.

He's only 52.

He's your age.

Are you serious?

Yeah, he's 52.

So wait, I wonder what

I was doing when he was taking over and being a warlord.

What year was he a warlord?

In 89.

What?

He became a rebel leader.

Yeah.

Oh my God, I wasn't even in college yet.

Yeah, he was pretty young.

I had just lost my virginity.

He was probably well past that.

I was still playing high school baseball.

Yeah, he was a pretty fucking young dude doing his General Butt Naked shit.

I mean.

How'd you know about him?

Podcast?

No.

Patrice O'Neal was the first person I heard talked about General Butt Naked.

Really?

I think.

I think Patrice had a joke.

Patrice had a joke about...

about

going back to Africa.

And he was like,

he was like, I'm not going back to Africa.

Got to walk around with a machete and a wig on and a wedding dress.

Going in and eating babies' hearts.

I'm not going back to Africa.

And I was like, I think that's the first time I heard of General Button Naked.

Oh, you asked him like, what's that all about?

Yeah.

Fuck, there he is.

Or there's one of those guys.

See, here's our deal.

I am not ready.

I'm not ready for this world.

And this world is coming when AI takes over.

This is the world that's coming when AI takes over.

And you better be, and we need to prepare ourselves for it.

Yeah.

I'm not even fucking around.

And I know that sounds like the chicken little, the sky is falling, but think about, think about the worst things you saw during COVID, right?

COVID?

COVID was fucking baby steps.

That was a runny nose compared to the virus AI can create, compared to the fucking chaos that AI can create.

COVID was just a couple guys in a lab, right?

Yeah.

A couple guys in a lab, and the world shut down.

Dude, AI, we got to kill AI.

I'm not even fucking around.

We got to get rid of AI.

I know.

It's not good for us.

You're right.

This is, you know what this reminds me of?

Now I know, I feel like I'm getting crazy, Tom.

Who is the dude in China?

Was it Mao?

No, that's that's is it Mao who killed all the intellectuals and they had the cultural revolution?

Yeah, he type in

General Mao.

Chairman Mao, yeah.

Chairman Mao.

He was like, you know what he was doing?

He was doing AI before AI.

He was like, he was talking like, we are going like, yo, we got to get rid of the intellectuals.

No more doctors, no more lawyers.

They're too smart.

We need dumb people and the dumb people will uprise.

And that's what they did.

And that's how we have China today.

I feel like, I feel, I actually feel crazy.

I should never have smoked pot last night.

Yeah.

I should have just gone to bed.

I was up all night long.

This is going to be a good month of cleansing for you.

I hope so.

I hope so.

I wish I could do Xanax.

I wish I still took Xanax.

No, stay away from that.

I know.

My cardiologist says it melts your brain.

But I would love to shut my brain off because all I'm thinking about today is AI.

And then it starts trickling into like, like, like,

what are the fingers in the pie that we don't know about?

Like, right?

Like,

when you start talking about, like,

I don't know, like,

neurodivergence and, like, and the acceptability of all that.

And, like, you know, I hung out with this autistic dude this weekend and he was just mean.

He was, yeah, it's just some comic who's autistic.

And he was just mean.

And he was like, I'm autistic.

I can be mean.

And I was like, okay.

I was like,

how is he mean?

Just

rude.

To everybody?

You're fat.

No, just to me.

And

I was like, oh, cool.

It's fun hanging out with an autistic guy.

And I was like, I can't say anything.

I got to just take it.

What fucking world are we in?

And it's AI.

It's AI.

He's just like, you're fat.

Cool.

Thanks.

I don't like your stand-up.

I don't feel like I have any jokes.

I was like, all right, what are we doing?

Is he on a podcast with you?

No, I'm autistic.

I'm autistic.

I get to say these things.

Sorry.

And you're like,

she would be pretty if she had lost weight.

And you're like, okay.

Okay.

And you're like, and then, and it's, it's this, I mean, listen, I understand, man.

The guy's got a thing, right?

But it's like, it's like, I don't know.

Once AI takes over and Gronks are running the world, I think we'll have a lot less of that talking freely shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe.

maybe with gronks out there just beating people's heads in you mean just gronk gronk for president yeah i mean there was a thing about you know back in the day um

less civilized societies yeah you could just say something and someone could just fucking take your head off i mean think about how different our society is just from like from like fucking

40 years and 40 years in 20 years and then you go back like a hundred years and it's unrecognizable it's true unrecognizable it's what's wild to me is like too much diversity

right is that not what you were saying no

this was i thought we were okay

they're just everywhere right yeah it's just too much

i was watching fucking uh what the other night some tv shit i mean like the commercials every commercial commercial.

It's like, here's a mixed race family.

And you're like, okay.

Again, how many fucking are there?

I'm like, I love when they, I love when they do a mixed-race commercial and it's a dude who you know could never pick up a black chick.

No.

And you're like, come on.

This is a good shit.

What are you guys doing?

And it's all just because, did we do a good job?

Is everybody happy now?

Do you remember the first commercial where you saw two dudes kiss and you were like, What the fuck?

On a commercial?

On a commercial.

I don't know.

Type in, or they don't, they don't kiss, they like hold each other in a pool.

I remember the first commercial where two dudes like popped up out of the water.

Yeah, hotels are doing that.

They'll show like

if the resorts are.

Type in gay commercials.

Type in gay commercials.

I want to see one.

I don't know.

Where you don't remember the product?

You're just like, whoa, they're going to make out.

Best gay ads.

Yeah.

Oh, that's going to be pro-gay ads.

Oh, yeah.

Chevrolet with a lesbian family.

Other Chevrolet ad gay friends.

Oh, let me see that.

How do we know these guys are gay?

Yeah.

I'll tell you when I think they're gay.

Okay, right now they're just like...

They're just dudes.

They're just dudes.

There's a tent.

Oh, that was kind of a warm back rub.

But that's all they alluded to, is that?

That guy smiles.

Yeah.

Hold on, hold on.

So the gayest thing is that guy's like kind of smile, like eeked out smile when he gets out of the car and he's like, ah.

Yeah, but he also did did it.

Watch his eyes.

I know, yeah, that's a little gay look.

Yeah, but then look at this.

Look at this little back touch right there.

Oh, and the hands on the thigh, the hands on the thigh.

You have to watch it a third time.

Okay, go back, go back, go back.

His hand, his hand is on his thigh, dude.

You gotta fucking pause this.

Okay enough, pause.

Get ready to pause.

Okay, hold on.

Stop.

See?

Oh, dude, here's the deal.

Okay.

You're trying to fucking infect us, Chevy.

I'm not falling for it.

Ford guy over here.

Go ahead.

I think they should make him just more gay.

Yeah, like make him very fucking gay.

That hand should be all the way up in his crotch.

Don't kind of support the community.

Don't be like,

like, listen, you either like an abolitionist or you were like, or you weren't, right?

Do you know how much

you could fucking edit for that commercial, too?

Like, they were like,

touch him.

Wait a minute.

Not so much.

Touch his touch's kneecap.

No, that's not obvious.

Like, yeah, it's

so much

trying to figure out the right amount of gay to make that work.

What about this couple in bed, the Weston ad?

Oh, let me see this.

Yeah, I want to see them fucking scissor.

Let's see what this happened.

Okay.

Oh.

Okay.

One of us is active.

One of us likes to stay in bed.

Find wellness at Weston.

Yeah.

That basically could be just two girlfriends on a weekly.

Yeah, that's not gay enough, am I?

Definitely not gay enough.

I think,

how would we gay that?

How about that?

How about these guys, though?

This is DoorDash.

Okay, this is like kind of over-the-top style, though.

Yeah,

it's like PVC.

Highly stylized, yeah.

This is only

delivered with DoorDash.

Okay, so the last phrase gay.

Yeah, but I don't have a problem.

It's not saying I have a problem with any of these.

No, I know.

That's not gay to me.

Well, what's gay about it is that they have great table settings and they prepared multiple dishes for their guests.

Like they had like charcuterie plates.

Like that's fucking gay.

And that's the kind of thing you appreciate about gay men is you're like, hey, this is very thoughtful.

But the only gay frame is this last one.

Yeah.

I think it's like, here's my point, right?

It's like during the...

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

I'm just looking at.

But like

during times of a movement, right?

Yeah.

You're either 100% with that movement or you're 100% against that movement.

If you remain in that, in that middle ground where you just kind of like shrug your shoulders and go, doesn't affect me.

It doesn't affect me.

Not a big deal.

Then you're actually against the movement.

So like I say, if you're with the movement, be for the fucking movement and make a straight gay ass commercial.

Like make, let them know, yo, we're Chevrolet.

And we fucking love the LBGTQ community.

That's what you got to respect, but like doing that fucking trans thing.

They took a swing.

Okay, this guy's shirts off.

That's a shirtless guy in bed.

Shirtless guy off.

That's go to that one.

I want to see this.

That's what I'm talking about.

Shoots a load on his stomach.

That's what I'm.

Oh, okay.

All right.

This is gay.

Oh,

shut up.

Fuck yeah.

This guy's got a body.

Oh, yeah.

That was a dick and ball almost.

Almost.

Yeah, called a prostitute.

Oh, shit.

Oh, whoa, yeah.

Yeah, baby.

This is what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

This is what I'm talking about.

Oh, it's European.

That's what I'm fuck.

All right.

That would never be.

I'm ordering that drink right now.

What's that drink?

I'm ordering that drink right now.

Clean.

What is this?

Swedish organic beverage band Clean Drinks.

Dude, that's called Clean Drinks.

What a fucking terrible name.

Hey, would you like some clean drink?

It's probably translated differently.

All I can think about now when I see these fucking.

That guy's body was incredible.

Dude.

It's like, I'm going to be naked on my show.

And

we're going into production.

You're going to be naked?

I'm fucking naked in one of the stories.

For like a gay thing?

It's kind of gay.

Dude, can I just give you a hint real quick?

Play with your lip a little more.

That guy played with his lip, and it's like the fucking hottest gay thing I've ever seen.

Really?

I'm going to start playing with my lips more.

I don't play with my lips at all.

Yeah, yeah.

If your lips sell it, man.

Everything.

It's like if a gay guy sees something they like, they do one of these.

Like,

your lip sells it.

Yeah.

Wait, what are you getting?

What do you get naked for?

Are you going to trim your body hair?

Are you going to dye it?

Am I going to dye the hair?

Yeah.

I should probably spray.

I should tan the skin a little, is what I should do.

You look better tan.

I should get spray tanned, huh?

Oh, I don't know.

That's hard to get through that hair.

Oh, yeah.

And then it looks like a zebra.

I don't know.

I think, I mean, sometimes I forget about it and then I'm like, oh, shit.

What are you getting naked for?

My series.

One of the parts of the series, I'm naked.

And I fucking signed up for it.

And now I'm like, oh, God.

Like, I just, and then I just go, oh, fuck it.

Who cares?

I can't wait.

Yeah.

Do you need me to be on set that day?

Do you need a body double?

I fucking wish I could have a body double.

You should have a body double.

Just get a fucking.

I told you about the guy that pulled over, right?

That pulled over?

I told you about the guy that stopped his car and saw me on the street, right?

Yeah.

The gay guy, the bear.

I don't remember this.

Oh, fuck.

I'll save it for the next episode.

It's such a good story.

Okay.

It's such a good story, and it's so long.

But wait, wait.

So that's why you're working on getting your body fat down.

You're really focused on that shit.

Dude, I've lost a bunch of weight.

And I keep like...

I mean, I'm on top of my training and my diet.

Like, I haven't fucked around with my diet diet in months now.

I've had like a couple cheat meals in a couple months.

Yeah.

I haven't had like complex carbs or starches.

I have like a protein intake every day.

I do at least 60 minutes of cardio, sometimes 90 minutes of cardio.

You know, it's, it's, it's,

and I keep trimming down, but here's the thing.

It does, it doesn't happen at the rate.

Like, what happens now is you go, okay, can I have six more months?

And it's like, no.

When do you shoot your first naked scene?

From today in five weeks.

Oh, dude.

Yeah, but it's not going to.

Here's the thing.

What I'm talking about is you just have to accept it's going to be what it is.

Like, you're not going to get to what, like, you're not going to look like that.

I'm not going to look like that guy.

You just are going to.

Did you get on?

Have you thought about doing like legit steroids like Windstrawl or something?

Yeah, I've thought about it.

Yeah.

What would be the best one to?

Windstrawl is like the shit, right?

Yeah, that's Deca, Winstrawl, yeah.

Anivar, all those are like

anabolic.

Yeah.

But I don't even know if it would be, I don't think it's enough.

I don't think it's enough.

I don't think there's enough steroids on Earth to change me enough in five weeks.

I'll just be naked and just, yeah, that'll just be it.

Whatever it is, man.

Well, you know that I'm tuning in.

I kind of get upset when you get naked.

Yeah.

And I am with other guys.

Naked?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When we did the cabin, I had a bunch of naked scenes.

Like I was naked a lot.

Yeah.

And on the last day, we're shooting this thing and I'm just laying naked on the ground.

Yeah.

And I'm having a glass of wine.

And we're not even rolling.

I'm just naked.

Yeah.

And the cameramen are there and we're all kind of talking.

And there's this one female camera assistant.

And she's down by my dick fixing a camera.

And I said, hey,

when you guys sign up for something like this, do they have you like sign something?

Like finding out if you're cool with nudity and not smiling at all?

She goes, I was told this is getting comedy, getting coffee and comedians with cars getting coffee.

And I was like, huh?

She goes, this is not what I signed up for.

And I was like, oh, sorry.

Yeah.

I was like, fuck.

Yeah, I think you've probably surprised a lot of people with nudity in your life.

It was on the thing.

It was like the first episode.

No, not the first episode.

It was you.

But Bobby Lee and I got naked.

I mean, we were like, Nikki Glazers saw my asshole.

Fortune saw my asshole.

Asshole?

Yeah.

Wow,

asshole.

Because I got mud in my asshole.

So Fortune had to squirt it out with a gun, with a hose.

And Fortune started laughing.

I said, what?

She goes, I've never seen a man's asshole before.

Oh, yeah.

And I was like, are you seeing it?

Miss Pat saw me completely naked.

What'd you think of that?

She said

it looked like a chicken wing.

I mean, I'm naked throughout the entire series.

Yeah, that's true.

Oh, yeah, there's Fortune spraying you.

Yeah.

There's me and Bobby.

Yep.

Okay.

All right.

So I feel better now, having talked about AI with you, because I feel like we have a game plan.

We have a game plan.

We're going to go do our thing.

Yeah.

We're going to.

Worst case scenario.

Honestly, worst case scenario, not even fucking around.

Leanne and I bail out of L.A.

We come down.

We stay at your place with you and push.

And we just fucking shadow Rogan.

Whatever move he makes, we make two.

All of a sudden, Elon wants to take us up to Solaris One, his little space station that he's built.

Sure, we go.

Or honestly, I think the people of the Seychelles are very nice, and

we just live there.

We don't have to kill anybody.

What if?

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah, we could also just move there.

We could just move there.

Yeah.

We don't have to murder them.

It's a beautiful place.

After this episode, I think they may not be so welcome to our

hesitant.

They'll be like there.

No, no, no.

We're just coming for the beaches.

Where are the Seychelles before we go?

It's in the Indian Ocean off of the.

Let's see.

Where's the...

There it is.

Oh, it's out by.

Yeah.

It's off of the east coast of Africa.

Wow, that's crazy.

Yeah.

It's supposed to be gorgeous, man.

We'll just take over a small island.

Yeah.

Great, great plan.

We'll do it.

All right.

I got to run.

I got got to go run.

We got to go fucking try to drop more body fat.

Did you take a naked picture of you before and after?

Did I take it?

I had a naked.

I have a name.

Naked picture?

A picture in a towel.

I have a towel picture.

I mean, that's what I have.

Naked picture.

Take it.

Now, today?

Naked picture in front of a green screen.

Post it online.

Post it online.

So people can put you anywhere in the world.

I'll take one too.

I'll take one first and I'll send it to you.

Okay.

Okay.

And then you take one, send it to me.

And then we'll post them online.

And then people can plug us in anywhere in the world.

Are you going to fluff first?

Yeah, of course.

Okay.

Take a Blue Chew.

Okay.

Those things really work.

They do.

Take one at four o'clock.

You'll have a night.

Okay.

All right.

We're going to run.

I love you, buddy.

Love you too.

Bye, guys.

Bye, guys.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.