Robert DeNiro Didn't Wanna Be Friends w/ Sebastian Maniscalco | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Texas, listen up.

I've got some live shows coming up.

November 1st in Amarillo at the Amarillo Civic Center Complex.

Then November 2nd in Lubbock at Buddy Hawley Hall and El Paso at the Abraham Chavez Theater on November 6th.

Get your tickets at tomskir.com slash tour.

100%.

Your new special is not coming out till November.

It's so good.

I had to stop it.

I had to stop watching it.

That's how good it is.

Shot beautifully.

Shot gorgeous.

Really covered top to bottom.

I'd say in the round, but it's in the triangle.

It's in the triangle.

It's in the triangle at the United Center.

How many did you shoot?

And this is inside baseball stuff for comics, but how many did you shoot?

Two.

We did two.

God.

So good.

It's expensive.

That's it.

You're done.

Do you need to do anything else?

I asked that.

What are we doing?

Are we,

how long is this going to go on?

I'm sure you guys are all asking.

You're like, how long do we have to come to this house?

How long does this go on?

I don't know, man.

I don't know.

I don't know.

You're friends with Seinfeld.

Yeah.

Like, does he still love it?

Yeah,

he loves doing stand-up comedy.

It's for me, it's like, what else do you have to do on top of the stand-up comedy?

I mean, you're a guy who's dabbling in a lot of facets of entertainment.

Is this because you absolutely love doing all this stuff?

Or is this the fact that just it's feeding the stand-up?

Where are we going?

I mean, that's a great question.

I think Segura is done doing stand-up.

He's done.

I think so.

This is his last tour.

This is his last special.

I mean that for real.

I think his kids are young.

He doesn't want to travel.

He loves making movies.

He really got into this to make movies and television.

Like that's when he moved to Hollywood.

His interest wasn't stand-up.

It was actor, writer, director.

And so I think he's getting the opportunity to do that.

And it's interesting because I remember when I did the movie, he told me, he goes, do good now.

And it sets up the next 20 years of your life.

And I was like,

that's crazy.

And it, I mean, it has.

I've been working, doing TV and film.

I like it.

There's nothing better than like

for me, watching your special, you have such an ability.

You have such an ability to make me giggle that I can't figure out.

You and Nate Pargatsi are the two people who can make me laugh, and I can't figure out how to replicate what you do.

And so, the math of stand-up for me is

fascinating and I love it.

And it makes me question myself.

I get in, I literally, I was on the toilet today going, like, because I watched it all last night in bed, and I was woke up and I said, so wait, what do I do?

Like,

do I just share secrets?

But, like, but I love stand-up.

I love stand-up.

I do

television does not feed stand-up, I don't think.

No, I don't think so either.

I think

I thought,

at least going into like movies and film, I thought, oh, okay, if you do good here, maybe this will translate into hard ticket sales, but I don't think that generally is the case.

Although I think the podcasting does if you have a big enough podcast.

You and Pete are awesome together.

Well, thank you.

It's real synergy.

Thank you.

We enjoy doing the podcast for us.

It's not a large money maker.

It's what I use it for is almost to populate some of my bits.

I'm like, oh, this is a good story.

I'll tell it here and maybe percolate that on stage.

But other than that, yeah, I mean, I love stand-up comedy.

Other than that, everything else is kind of just gravy.

You know,

I'm not like seeking out like a big movie career TV.

I'm almost in the Segura bucket where I got small kids.

They're eight and six and I really enjoy hanging out.

Like my son came up to me the other day and he's like, Daddy, could you coach my soccer team?

That's it.

I'm bawling.

You, you, you're a sensitive guy.

You cry

and you, you cry like in, like, you have no problems crying

on

iPhone.

My cry

is secret.

I don't like show the crying.

Yeah.

You show everything, though.

I mean,

I'm a little bit more like,

I cry, but you're not going to see it.

You know, someone asked me today in the gym, I think it was my trainer.

He's like, so was Sebastian like

when I watched him on stage, is that an act?

I went, no, that's who he is.

That's who he is.

Like a cry, it's a little, I'd say a tad bit exaggerated like we all are, but you really are the guy that will cock your head sideways and go, you're not going to put shoes on?

Well, what I, yeah, I've often seen your show and go, this guy does it barefoot.

And

that's unique.

It's so, it's so, it so makes sense that you'd, you'd have a private cry.

Was it hard for you to open up to Lana when you started dating?

No, I'm the, I'm the, uh, I'm, I'm a very sensitive guy.

So my wife isn't.

So she's very, you know, movie, I'm be crying.

She's, I'm like, nothing.

So, uh,

so wait.

So Leanne puts everything in a Burton Leanne mode, meaning like she goes, Leanne is the person who does not, it's not sensitive.

I mean, she's sensitive, but she doesn't cry to movie ever, would never cry to movie.

I fucking sob.

I sob.

My daughters make fun of me.

Like,

I can tell you the dumbest movie is The Rock Walking Tall, when he stands up in the, in the...

in the courtroom and pulls his shirt and shows the scars on his back.

He goes, I'm here so this will never happen to any of you.

bawling on an airplane.

That increase would age the sensitivity?

Yes.

Yes.

And I think,

I think

I'm curious, when things started happening for me, meaning

life dreams getting accomplished, I think it, it, uh, it

re-kind of shifted everything and I didn't know what was real and I didn't know how to react to things.

I didn't know how to react to like a sold out Boston garden.

And I didn't understand.

I think it, it, it all of a sudden reset all my levels and everything for I think a solid two years, everything was on a nerve.

Like everything was about, I can't believe this is happening.

I can't believe this is.

And so I started falling apart just about anything.

I mean, anything.

Did that happen to you?

Like, how do you compare?

How do you wrap your head around?

going from the guy that sells the most at Madison Square Garden ever to the person that does, sells out the most in every single borough ever.

Does that

do you sit in the green room and just is there a part of a 13-year-old Sebastian that's like, holy fucking shit, or is it just like,

yeah, it's a second.

It's a,

I, I, you know, I, I, because you know what?

The problem I have is like really enjoying the moment that I'm in because I'm always kind of looking at the next moment down the way.

And I should really take in some of the things that happen and relish it.

and i've tried to do that in the last two years um

but listen is this was never in the cards for me to do this anyway as far as you know i didn't have on my vision board sellout da da da da da it's not what i had in mind so yes when it does happen it's nice

but it's not it's not like i'm not like an overly excitable guy

Do you think you're, do you think your culture, meaning like Chicago, backyard, no camp, dad kind of grounded, fucking Sicilian?

Do you think that had to do with it?

Yeah,

I think I celebrate a little bit more in private than I would do around people.

I feel like, I mean, the difference between you and I, I just feel like there's a lot of people in your world,

right?

Like when I walked in here, I was like, there's half of me that goes, man,

should I

have all should i have a another

home

to house my business

and then

your business is way bigger than mine the answer is yes

i just this is how i live like i love i have a fear a fear of being alone yeah so yeah i i i'm quite the opposite of you i i really

love the moments i'm alone just with my family not a lot of people around yeah that's kind of, that's my, my vibe.

So we're two different guys in the sense that you really love a lot of energy around you, which is great.

So we, uh, what's, so when you talk about getting emotional parenting,

my thing, my, when I go back to parenting, I always remember the first day of first grade for Georgia.

I think it was actually third grade because it was a new school.

We went to Colfax.

And she said to me, and this is like the beginning of me really not knowing how to register feelings she goes what if i'm not cool

and i fucking melted down and i i got i got into a fight with lean on the walk home i was like i didn't sign up for this like i signed up to fuck you and to date you take you out to dinner we'd have kids sure but i didn't know that this vulnerability was going to show up on a monday morning at eight o'clock and i would be destroyed for the whole day and she wore a fedora she put it on and she goes do i look cool dad and i you know it's your kid so you go yeah you look great she goes ah mom said i'd i'd stand out i'd look like a fool and i went oh i should let your mom talk

and then she walked in to first grade i mean only a dad can understand this really or a parent really she walked in she had the fedora in her hand and she was like what if i'm not cool and i was like you're gonna be cool she put it on and she goes yeah right and i was like uh-huh i was like in my head i was like no one's wearing a fedora you're the only one wearing a fedora and then she came out she didn't have the fedora on at the end of school i go where's the fedora she goes dad great call everyone took turns wearing the fedora and i was like

huh.

I was like, whatever that energy is, I didn't sign up for that.

Like, that is the part that I'm like, ugh, to this day.

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Well, you know,

there's a difference.

Again, here in you and I, I'm very involved.

in what the kids are gonna put on the school

of course yes of course you are so i'm have no problems going take it off

we're not i'm not wearing that today

so

uh

i signed up for that

so the first day of school is like a fashion show the night before uh yeah i mean i listen i my wife i gotta give it to her she really dresses the kids tight

i would i would argue you started dressing better since you met her oh yeah Oh yeah.

She's definitely, I remember dating Lana and we moved in together and I came home and there was a pile of clothing outside my closet and this was going to be donated.

She said, we're getting rid of this, which is fine.

I was kind of hanging on to a lot of shirts that, you know, a lot of

like a bird on, you know, like

Seven Diamonds.

Remember that, that company?

No.

No?

No.

I never, you don't wear a shirt.

So

yeah pull up seven diamonds seven diamonds was a company that i definitely was wearing a lot of back in the day uh no not so no this is like this is new seven diamonds we're talking we're talking maybe 15 years ago i probably

don't even have it on the internet do you feel like she rescued you from being the old dude at the store Because

you were at that.

When you met her, you were at a crossroads.

Well, listen, talk talk about wardrobe and we have to go back to playing baseball together.

Listen, I came to the field

with,

I was all in black, beautiful wristbands.

I think I had the baseball outfit pretty dialed in, though.

I don't think a lot of people even know about the baseball games that we used to have.

Not even baseball games.

It was just like this home run thing we used to do.

Home run derby.

It was,

I'll tell you my perspective.

My perspective was I just had Isla and I had two kids and I wasn't hanging out with any men.

And Steve Byrne called me and he said, you should have friends.

And I said, I'm good.

I had gone through a relationship with a dude that I had, that wasn't that healthy.

And Steve knew that guy and it was.

It was really unhealthy and bad.

And I was friends with Sugura at the time, but even still, and Tommy would say this, I was keeping everyone at arm's length because I was like, I was like, you know what, man?

This is business.

This isn't friends.

This is business.

I got my family.

I'm good.

And

Steve was like, you should hang out.

You should be doing the store.

You should hang out with those guys.

It's a bunch of good guys.

And he invited me over.

And the first day I got there,

we were playing.

We were going to play on the other field down at Pam Pacific Park, the one on the bottom instead of the softball field up top.

And Steve said, show up.

I think Sebastian should be there.

by now.

He's already there.

And I walked down and

you were getting dressed and you were putting on your outfit and it was all black i mean like sliding shorts shorts on top of that like i want to say like nice socks

brand new i feel like you were taking them out of the box shoes a brand new glove batting gloves on both hands wristbands a headband and i and i couldn't tell if you were doing a bit and i couldn't stop giggling at you getting dressed and you're like what no that was that was no bit that was uh

i i looked the part but I couldn't hit the ball past third base.

So

it was phenomenal.

We're talking about all

every comedian you now know, roughly, at that time.

And you were seeing a glimpse of who they are in real life and on stage by swinging a baseball bat.

And it was hysterical.

I'll never forget Brett Ernst.

Brett Ernst, if you're not familiar with Brett, you should.

He's one of the best storytellers in the business,

a good friend of both of ours.

He is fucking hysterical.

I'm saying if one out of 10 meathead, Brett's a 12.

Yeah, there's a lot of anger coming out of that bat.

A lot of anger.

Raised by a single mom, brother died of AIDS.

I mean, just like grew up in South Florida.

He used to tell a story where they had punch a honky day at school or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember that story.

Yeah.

Punch a cracker and he just get beat up all day.

The first time he goes up to bat, he sticks, he's like, got it.

I mean, he looks like he's fresh off the Jersey shore.

Wife beater, fucking gold chain outside of it.

And he's like, come on, mother, come on, come on, come on, come on.

And as he'd swing, he'd go, cock sucker,

son of a bitch.

And he would yell profanities as he swang.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

And that's how I met all you guys, really, was that one period.

Yeah, it was, it was fun.

I mean, listen, I think

even to this day, now I'm yearning for that connection with a group of guys, whether it be golf or anything that kind of, because, you know, you know, you get into a marriage and then kids, that becomes your world, right?

You need like another outlet.

So yeah, that's the next step, I think, of my life is getting involved in something where, you know, whether it be golf or what have you, just to just have another outlet.

You're playing golf now.

I try.

I had an injury for about two years where I couldn't really play, but now I'm getting like sciatic pain in the right leg.

Your word on the street was, you were so, you moved so much on stage that you hurt your back.

That was what the word on the street was.

It's funny, the word on the street, I'm not privy to any words on the street.

I'm so detached

from talking to anyone

that I never know what the word on the street is.

No, the word on the street for me,

the actual thing was it had nothing to do with movement on stage.

It was literally I woke up one day and my right leg was, I fell to the floor.

Have you ever had the sciatic?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

So it was, it was bad.

It was bad.

I couldn't really perform like I wanted to perform.

The last special I did was I was in pain.

Click the tux one.

Couldn't move.

Yeah.

Couldn't move.

And thank God I did Pilates and now I'm

fantastic.

You know, so funny, I do have to say your movement in this is very different than the last special.

Last special, I just, I just figured it was in a tux, little, little high, more high-end.

Well, that too.

I tried it in a tux.

I just wanted to do something different, and i generally don't perform in a suit it was restrictive and looking back on it it's not one of my best performances i'm like i wasn't wasn't really totally 100 happy with it due to the fact that

i'm not making excuses it was just it's funny it was uh covet i had a special planned, I believe, at the

and then it got destroyed because of COVID.

So that material I was kind of sitting on throughout COVID and I wanted to put it on a special.

So out of COVID, I started up with that material again.

And I felt like, you know, when you do a special, you feel like it's got to be at the height of the time that you really enjoy doing the material.

Yes.

Right.

And then at this point, it was like, ah, it's stale for me.

And with this special, I actually moved it.

I was planning to do it six months later.

And I'm like, you know what?

Let me move it six months earlier.

I did it in the middle of the tour because I felt like by the end of the tour, I was going to be sick of the jokes.

Yeah, I built on bits where I go, that's not making anything special.

There's a bunch of bits I have that have just stuck around and I just go, eh, they're never, I don't know, they suck.

But they were great when they first started, right?

Oh, God, they were fucking, they were like, they were like, so this is the material.

I remember telling people to come to my show, you got, this is a bit you're going to like.

And now I look at it and go, I was thinking about that today.

Wait, does does

you

you are kind of not the dude hanging out in the green room, hanging out and bullshitting, talking numbers, talking like, you know,

I've been removed a little bit from the green rooms at the store, but I was there last week and it was like four young comics and they were talking about their achievements.

And I, in a weird way, I got insecure.

And I was like, Jesus Christ, am I doing nothing?

Like, these guys are fucking kids and they're at the Wilbur already.

Like, it took me like 20 years to get to the Wilbur.

and but you've removed yourself from that is do you have a hard time because when I got to school and I met when my kids went to school I wasn't famous I was just a dad I was actually a loser because I was atomic

because is it hard to meet other parents when they know who you are uh is it hard to be no

no I don't think so um have you ever sniffed one out where they're like uh hey how you doing I'm Bill you're like yeah Sebastian like yeah yeah nice that's so what that and then all of a sudden they're like yeah, Chicago.

It's like, and then you go, oh, fuck, you cocksucker.

Yeah, I get some of that.

I just had an epiphany the other day.

I don't really do well with shit, chit-chat, like,

like just talking to talk.

But then I was thinking, am I boring?

Like in these scenarios, like even in the podcast world, I don't do a lot of podcasts because I'm like, first of

by the way, it's a nice watch.

Thank you.

Is that new?

Yeah.

Yeah,

it looks new.

You wear it like it's new.

What's your take on

buying things?

Are you

I guess what I'm trying to say is

did you see that watch?

Yeah, I want to go buy it.

Or is it, do you pine over it?

I pine.

So the best part of buying something is wanting something.

It's not the buying, it's not the having, it's the wanting.

Wanting is my favorite part.

Like

right now we lost our dog, our bull mastiff, and I want a new bull mastiff puppy so that our bull mastiff has a, can play.

Right now, she just, you'll see her, she's probably downstairs.

She just sits there, just stares at you, stares at the wall, doesn't do anything.

And you want a puppy.

So my favorite part of that is searching for a puppy.

I'm not a car guy, but like, when I do need a car, I get sent pictures of cars and then I get into cars for like a month or like, but watches is something I was into.

And the idea of looking at what you want and liking it and going, no, no, no, no, no, because you haven't bought it yet.

So you're not committed.

I love that part.

I love the wanting more than the getting or having.

And I don't want any new watches.

Like I have the watch I want right now.

So right now I'm good.

And then maybe in a year, they'll have the new Rolexes come out.

Or I'm also pretty basic in that I don't want anything.

Like I want certain things.

I don't want like, I don't look at Patek Philippes and APs or like nuanced mages.

Like I think about Seinfeld with cars and I go at a certain point,

you can't drive them all and you can't sit in a mall.

You couldn't spend a day sitting in the mall.

What is it about having them?

Some people like the collection and like to look at the collection.

I like the want.

I don't know.

It's the chase, getting in their pants.

That's what I like.

Okay.

You know?

It's like when you make a movie, my favorite part of making a movie or a television show is the development.

It's my favorite part.

My favorite part about getting ready for a special is writing the material.

Like the writing of the material, when you go,

there's only a handful of us in the world, meaning like probably what, 20,000 comedians that know the feeling.

Wait a minute, you think there's 20,000 comedians?

Got to be at least, right?

20,000 comedians that are doing comedy like on stage.

But what are we grouping comedians now?

As far as

is the guy doing videos in his living room, making people laugh on the internet, Is that now a comedian?

According to my kids, yeah.

So, so that that's in your that's in your bucket of comedian.

I'm talking like stage comedians doing stand-up.

How many stand-ups do you think there are?

Working stand-up comedians?

Yeah.

I would say 200.

No,

no, we got a we got a fact check in the back on that.

It's got to be at least a thousand.

A thousand?

Yeah.

Because, I mean, we called ourselves comedians when we weren't touring, right?

We were doing open mics.

So you figure for every open mic.

I'm saying someone that goes into a city and sells a comedy club out.

Sells?

Well, sells a comedy club out.

Now the threshold has just been raised.

That's crazy.

Well, I mean, listen,

what makes you a, well, you know, I take that back.

So open micers are comedians.

I'll i'll give them that okay so then you figure for any so let's just say tonight let's just do a like take a screen grab of tonight there's probably open mics in 20 cities right now let's just say 20 atlanta miami tampa uh

austin la new york chicago san francisco seattle there's probably 20 open mics tonight so for 20 cities of open mics every city's got two open mics there's 20 comedians for there there's i'm gonna say literally there's 400 comedians right there 400 open micers easy easy 400 open micers that we wouldn't consider comedians you can't you can't i don't know if you could qualify the open micer as a comedian okay so then all right so then i'm talking we're talking working comedians that have established themselves with a act wow and i

i just came from the four season did an interview there i worked there for seven years and i was doing comedy when people asked me what i was i said i was a waiter

i wasn't i wasn't like fully developed developed as a comedian yet.

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Cha-ching.

There is, you have, sometimes I am astounded how different we are.

When I worked at Barnes and Noble's, I shelved books in the travel section.

And my boss asked me one day, my boss Dwayne, what do you do for a living?

And I said, I'm a comedian.

And he goes, nah, you shelve books.

Don't ever forget that.

I agree with

the book.

And I looked at Dwayne and I was like, that's why you will always work at Barnes and Noble.

And I will be bigger than you.

Because I had this, I have a delusional, like I would say I was a comedian way before I think I was really a comedian.

Like I'd be on a plane and people are like, what do you do for a living?

I go, comedian.

There's no way they can fact check that.

Yeah, I just think you have to be,

it takes a lot to develop the act.

You know that.

Yeah, it takes a lot.

If you're talking about like,

I would say, it's however many I follow online on Instagram, probably not as many.

I'd say maybe 200 comedians then that are working, that are working comedians, working, paying the bills comedians.

Okay.

200 to 400, I would say, just roughly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is a very finite group of people that are doing this and making a living.

I guess that's, that's what I think.

And then that, that gets even whittled down to more specific of the...

And out of that 400, fucking half of them are hacks.

Well, then that's another story that we have to get into as far as like, are these people even funny yeah or or do they know what it's like to write material or are they struggling to keep it going on stage like i remember being young and not knowing how to do comedy but then there's a certain place where you get where the joy of comedy and this is the thing i'm attracted to the joy of a bit is like

when you say it and it's and then as you say it you've left it but your brain goes you know what i should have said with that is this and then that next time you go on stage, you got another three minutes with it.

And you're like, oh, this is going to be a bit.

Like this is, that feeling is so fucking,

that feeling is the addictive feeling.

And that's the thing I'm obsessed with.

Yeah.

But only, only a small, finite group of people know that feeling.

And for me, when it comes to creating or doing a special or doing a TV show or any of it, that is what I'm addicted to.

I'm always addicted to the new bit.

I'm always addicted to what's next.

I'm never addicted to the hour.

Like when I get finally due an hour

the month leading up i'm like get me out of here this is like killing me and then the last night i do the show or the last taping i have an emotional moment where i say goodbye to the material and i'm like i will never say these words again in this order

thank god

it's almost like graduating high school being bullied all you know for four years so you you you you say so long to the material oh except for the machine

you know i gotta tell you you, I, you, you, I saw you, I mean, you knew I, I came out to see you at the forum.

Uh, you were the first person I ever saw perform in the round and the first person I ever saw perform in an arena.

I'd never seen either of those that night.

And, uh,

and

I had an out-of-body experience as a comedian.

I wanted to see all new stuff, but I was hoping, because I had friends with me, that you'd tell some older stuff.

And you did.

You told, I like, I think maybe 10 minutes of older stuff of like, you know, like, yeah, you know, and I got so excited.

And I thought to myself, fuck, should I be doing that?

Should I be doing some older stuff?

Because

well, if you talk to Seinfeld, he just loves, he goes, why would I not tell the older stuff?

It's stuff that I worked on for years and I've polished and crafted.

And why am I going to deprive people of not

showing that material to them, regardless if they've heard it or not?

I think

I don't do it a lot.

I think I should do it more often.

The bits that, you know, I have in other specials that that's the reason people are there to see me.

Why not give them a little taste of that?

So what are those bits?

I like the company bit.

But, you know,

and

the thing I loved about this special, there were hints of that.

There's hints of family and the way you were raised and the way that come back and it kind of encompasses that, which I thought was nice.

Like I like, I always try to do an Isla bit, like something about my daughter because they're familiar with that.

But keep going, but keep going.

The company bit, fucking amazing.

Thank you.

I mean, these are just bits that I enjoy doing and people kind of resonated with.

The Jewish Passover bit,

just...

saying that the Italians should cater to Passovers.

Chipotle, I like doing.

So these kind of like, in my world, these little greatest hits bits that I really enjoy doing that people like.

I feel sometimes it's a miss that I don't do them because people

like you, I brought people.

And I'm a comedian and I want to hear what you're working on.

Yeah.

But I had 10 people with me.

Maybe I'd 10, maybe I had eight.

And I was like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is, you're going to love this.

Yeah.

I love that.

And I was like, whoa, what am I doing?

Well, you, when you bring somebody to a concert and whatever, and you're a fan of that person, and maybe they haven't heard this person, you're like, oh my God, this song's going to be amazing.

You feel like you're introducing them to

a new comedian, new artist, maybe even a new food, a new wine.

They go out to dinner, and you know, hey, can we eat the pasta with it?

Oh, we don't do that anymore.

Well, you don't do that anymore.

Oh, you know, it's like you get upset that you can't share that experience with somebody else.

So, yeah,

I think you should bring back a few of the bits that people may enjoy.

Put that in your notes.

Everyone, by the way,

I wrote this, i forgot what this was

the arrogance of boring what is that you said that and i thought that's fucking i said that brilliant you go you go i i you know no that's you did say that kind of you said something like uh i don't i i'm private i don't talk much i'm keeping myself i'm quiet and then i i wondered am i boring and then i thought there must be boring people that are so arrogant that are like uh

i like to be quiet

I don't know.

Just look at this asshole talking and telling stories.

And they're like, I like to keep it like here.

And you're like, well, maybe it's just boring.

Yeah, I don't know.

I had this epiphany where I think if I'm in a group of people, I generally am not the center of attention.

Buddy,

you are one of the most fascinating people just to watch from afar.

But every behavior about you is

interesting.

Even your reactions to when people talk are interesting.

The way you take in the world is interesting.

And what's crazy is

I would argue I'm a very interesting person.

I'm definitely not as

much of a

main character as you.

Like, if we go to a party, I would love to hear your take on everything, you know?

Like, Tom, I don't care to hear what he has to say.

Like, but

he is actually boring.

He is the arrogance of boring, where he's just boring and he pretends that he's quiet.

And you're like, you're not quiet.

You have nothing to say.

Well,

I don't have a lot of information to give you

in any topic.

That's not true.

Well, if you ask my opinion on something,

I'll give you an opinion, but like you're, you're sitting here and as you're talking, I'm sitting going, this guy actually thought about like what he enjoys to do leading up to the special and he likes the development of the movie.

I've never even thought of those things.

I, I, I, I, like, okay, you meet, okay, let's, let's, okay.

So you're, you're, you're friends with two of the most fascinating people, more than that, but I will argue, two of the most fascinating people in the industry, Derek Seinfeld and Robert De Niro.

Now, when you meet Robert De Niro.

First of all, I, I don't, I wouldn't consider, like, I don't talk to Robert De Niro.

But you,

but you worked with him.

Yeah.

And then even when we were working together, it was no talking.

Hey, what was it like?

I mean, hold on.

So

he's a nice man,

but we would do a scene and he would go to his chair and have like paperwork, be on the phone, and

he would open up a no-boo somewhere, and then he would come back to the acting.

Nine weeks, didn't go to dinner, didn't hang out, nothing.

So it was strictly a professional relationship.

He's got a family.

He went home to visit his family during filming, and you know, we did the press together.

But other than that, you know, I'm trending number one on Netflix, by the way.

Yeah, it was, it was, it's amazing.

This, this movie came out, it came and went into the theaters and it was at stars for two years.

Now it came to Netflix and people are watching it.

Number one, number one.

Did you notice a bump in tickets at all?

No.

Yeah.

None.

Yeah.

Why are we doing movies?

I only, yeah, I only have, thank God, I only have

six shows left.

On tour?

Yeah.

Just casinos.

You know, if this is a real podcast, I go, what do you make of casinos?

I like it because it's not a lot of pressure.

There's no pressure.

Yeah.

I'm doing a casino on Thursday.

Yeah.

It's the best.

It's the best.

They go, thanks for coming in.

Yeah.

Hey, did you need some money to gamble with?

We don't have to open up a private room.

Do you want dinner?

Do you want anything?

Casinos are the best.

i'm not doing enough casinos and i would argue i am dialed in for casinos yeah maybe you got to look into the casino mark but here's the deal you sell a different casino ticket than i sell i sell uh fucking

uh what's the little thing that drives people around

like a scooter and an oxygen tank with no sleeves

i'm good at those in the native american casinos in the middle of the country Oh, I clean up.

I'm going to Choctaw, Oklahoma.

I've been to Choctaw.

I've been there.

But you're, because I bet your crowd smells good.

Yeah, generally speaking, my crowd has a beautiful scent coming off them.

And

the first time I wore cologne as a grown man was going to see you at the forum.

I bought Henry Ford.

Henry Ford?

Tom Ford.

Tom Ford.

Tom Ford.

Henry Ford's got the motor oil cologne.

But

it's a lot of pressure being a comedian, doing the venues that we're doing, looking at the seat map and seeing blue dots, right?

It's terrible.

The same way we talk about, the same way we talk about what it feels like to create a joke or whatever and have that moment is the same stress that like the own, I would say only really

30 of us, 20 of us know that stress of selling tickets.

It's a big undertaking, you know, and you start to think, oh, geez, what am I doing in, you know, I think San Antonio I went to, I didn't do that well.

And like,

it's just not a good feeling to walk into an arena and see black drapes.

And you look up and go, oh, yeah, all right.

And then you go, oh, if they would have had him in the lower levels, they would have put him up too, huh?

Rockford, Illinois.

I sold out the fucking United Center, not in the round, not in the round, end stage.

And then I'm in Rockford a year later.

I'm like, did they not know I was coming?

First date of my tour.

And I was like, you know what?

I'm going to do a bee green with everybody.

Shouldn't take too long.

Oh, shit.

Oh,

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

No, it's,

you know, it becomes a, it comes, listen, it's a, it is a business.

I mean, when we first start out, obviously, you're getting, you know, you go to a comedy club in Addison, Texas.

And I was the first place that, I was the first place I knew how well you were doing is I went there and they had a drink with your name on it.

Oh.

And I was like, Sebastian?

You guys know Sebastian?

They go, he kills here.

I said, really?

They go cleans up every fucking show sold out.

And I was like, wow.

And they're like, he's going going to be huge.

Then I went back and I was like, I think I was talking to Robert Hartman.

I was like, hey, man, Sebastian selling tickets.

I hadn't watched your special, the one in the mauve shirt.

Is it mauve?

Mauve.

Yeah, like peach.

Yeah, mauve is, I guess.

And I was like, Sebastian, huh?

And I was like, really?

I go, I haven't seen him.

I haven't seen him do stand-up in a minute.

And I went back.

I had seen you tell a story.

I hadn't seen you do stand-up, stand-up.

And like,

I was like, oh, I got to watch this.

And I watched that special in my man cave.

And I think I DM'd you or texted you immediately.

I was like, this is fucking incredible.

Like, this is like nothing I've ever seen.

Like, this is one of the best specials I've ever seen.

And I was like, wow, that's going to be a rocket ship.

Oh,

that's very sweet, by the way, of you to say.

I think the story you were referring to, which you actually inspired me to work on it more, was, I think it was at the comedy store.

You had said that I did

a swimming joke so learning how to swim best and i and when you and i i was uh uh unsure of that that bit and then uh you had said oh you enjoyed it i oh maybe i'll explore this a little bit i called like five people

i called five people and did your bit to them and i was like dude have you seen sebastian it's one of the best bits it's one of the best bits i've ever seen because you you come from a place Like, I think I come from a, I don't know where I come from as a comedian.

I think I come from a place of confidence, but

amount of vulnerability.

You come from confidence.

When your vulnerability shows up, it's such a unique perspective.

And your vulnerability in that bit was coming from a place of confidence, like almost blind confidence.

And it's, I, it made me,

she goes, get in the water.

I think that's the fucking problem.

So wait, here's my question.

So I was wondering this today because I was like, I'm not drinking right now and I miss it i genuinely miss it i miss it in not like a like crave it kind of way i just miss

like i'm home and i'm i want to have a glass of wine with leanne outside and like last night we got in the hot tub and i was like

i just i was like oh it would have been nice to have like a specialty cocktail like make something together um do you how often do you drink at night do you i i i like wine i figured you'd like wine wine and and and that i like the taste of it and i also to your point like the it accompanying a

act.

Yeah.

Hot tub outside in the yard, cooking, gonna make some food.

It's hard not to have like a little wine on the side, right?

It's just, it's just, it's, it's, it's, it's nice to do.

However, without the wine, doesn't it feel like you're just eating next to someone, you're just wolfing down food?

Yeah.

You put the wine, it's like, hey, this is nice.

Like it slows everything.

It slows it down.

It slows it down.

I agree with you.

However, as I grow older and I start to see the effects in the morning, and not that I'm getting blasted.

Yeah.

If I have more than two glasses of wine, in the morning, I'm foggy-headed, I'm sluggish, I'm not, my workout sucks.

And I'm like, it's like,

what am I doing?

You know, I, I, obviously I feel better when I'm not drinking.

Yeah.

So what the hell am I doing for what, the two or three hours that it lasts that I'm with my wife on the living room and we're having, it is nice.

It's nice.

I don't know.

I don't know where you live, but I imagine where you live.

And I imagine it's a nice yard and that last night was kind of a cool night.

It was breezy and it was windy.

And I just had this visualization.

I was thinking of it of like, you know, the kids, I don't know if you have a jungle gym, but they're young enough to still enjoy the outside.

And you guys sitting in Adirondacks with a glass of red wine talking about life and the kids are running around.

That's why you drink.

That's great.

That's the fucking moment.

That's the moment.

And I'm sure that sobriety feels, a glass of water feels great, but it's like when you have that wine, it just slows everything down.

The matrix slows down and you can see the images in the numbers, you know?

Well, I wanted to drink last night.

I knew I was coming here, right?

Yeah.

I knew that if I did drink, I might not be.

Not that I'm a ball of fucking excitement right now,

but i would be even less if i had some wine last night so i i so i would i would argue the opposite for me i actually argued with my trainer today that i think i perform better when i'm drunk because i have an inspiration of why i'm working out like i know that if i push it super hard in the gym i'll feel better because i if i wake up sluggish and and hazy i go into the gym sluggish and hazy and i'm like ugh it's gonna be a rough one but i have this thing in my head that knows that if I push really hard, that I'll go, I'll end up on the other side of that and I'll feel amazing.

My trainer said today, it's crazy when you're hungover, you come in here literally zapped, and I can see it in your energy.

But halfway through the workout, I see you come to life, and then when I leave, I'm like, all right, he's alive now.

And when I'm not drinking, I come in alive, I leave alive.

I'm like,

I don't know.

No, but you're, you, you definitely are built differently than a lot of people.

I mean, as far as your ability to consume what you consume and live a life that, you know, you're productive.

I would have a hard time.

Like, I, you know, like,

I would have a really hard time

living your life.

I would have a really, because I, because I, I look at your life.

I don't mean this envious, but I look at your life.

I really, there's little things in your life that I look at and I go, that's really cool.

That's fucking awesome.

God damn it, that's cool as shit.

That's cool.

And that I didn't have it when, especially when my kids were that age, where it's like the amount of security to know that like, that if you do decide to take a couple of years off and coach soccer or just pick your projects or do limited casino runs, that it's not going to break the bank.

It's not going to destroy you.

You're not going to be upside down.

I love that your wife's from Florida.

I love your wife's friends, your wife, your wife's backstory of who she is and the fact that she's an artist and she knows what she likes.

She's definitive on colors and like that, that kind of of shit, I think's cool as I think your, I think your wife is a fucking awesome partner.

Now, I got very lucky with mine, but I'm just saying from the outside looking in, Lana has always been like wildly supportive and low grade, cool as shit.

First time I ever met her was in an attic somewhere and she just went up and said, you know this person, this person, this person.

I know this person, this person, this person.

We should be friends.

And I went, I fucking love her.

Who are you?

She goes, I'm Sebastian's girlfriend.

I was like, shut the fuck up.

And so,

and so I look at life.

I think I'd have a hard time managing, not overdoing it.

Like when I look at you, go, I have a couple glasses of wine.

I go,

dude, you Sebastian, kill the bottle.

Like, let me see what your wine cellar looks like.

I get, let's get fucking lit.

You got a great relationship with your parents.

Like, everyone's still alive.

Like, this is fucking, like, let's fucking get after it.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

No, I, that's, well, listen.

That I think we're.

I don't even have a boat.

Boat would be nice.

You want to buy one together?

I wouldn't do any joint ventures with large purchases with anybody.

Come on.

Even side film.

I don't like

sharing

homes.

People go in and like, oh, we're going to get a condo in Florida.

Now, if I want to go to the condo, I want to go to the condo.

I don't have to call you and go, are you using it this week?

But boats, that's how boats are set up these days because boats are so expensive.

When you get a sailboat, you go in like a timeshare with like four people because no one uses a sailboat every weekend.

No, I know they don't.

Do you have a boat?

No, I love a boat.

What boat do you want?

Any boat that you want.

Like, are you, do you know how to

steer a boat?

I can drive a boat.

I can drive a boat.

I can sail a boat, although I'd have to take legit, I'd have to get qualified to sail a boat.

But I think sailing is a little more than anyone wants to bite off, but a fucking boat would be

awesome.

Can you drive the boat and have like a skier on the back?

Yeah.

We're not doing that in California.

I know, know, but like in Florida, did you,

you did that?

Okay.

See, I don't know how to do any of that.

So I would need someone like you to, maybe we should buy a boat.

Maybe we should buy a boat.

By the way, I, yeah, I was on a text with someone, was someone was like, hey, do you guys want to buy a cave together?

A cave?

A cave.

What is that?

It was a cave in Arizona that was for sale for a couple million dollars.

And they're like, everyone throws money in and we got a cave.

And I was like, Rogan was on that text and he was like, I'm in.

And I was like, Joe's in, I'm in.

But then it didn't work out because it was Stanhope that sent the text.

The same way I feel about Slippery Nipple is the same way I feel about the cave.

I'm good.

Is there anything you want?

Like, I was saying wanting is my favorite part.

Is there anything you want that you're like, oh, you know, I find myself looking at these.

Like, I want a motorcycle.

I want.

I want a house.

I want a lot of land in either Idaho or Colorado.

Like, that's something I want.

I would love a castle.

I have a friend who just bought a cat.

We have a friend that just bought a castle.

I would love a castle.

Like that would be cool.

I want to go to Europe this winter.

Like what do you want?

I want vacations.

I want like experiences rather than

watches or cars or anything like that.

I want to.

With kids or without kids?

Both.

Both.

I think it's important that Lana and I take these trips to whether it be Napa or Mexico or what have you, just to have a couple days.

But with the kids now being six and eight years old, love to get them and let's go.

They came to Las Vegas for the first time last week

and they're at an age where they could really kind of appreciate the

pool or whatever it might be.

We took them to Wizard of Oz at the Sphere, which was...

How was it?

Did you see it?

No.

And I know you've been to the Sphere.

I saw it on your Instagram.

I think it was either the Eagles or.

I've been like five times.

Probably been five times.

I can't stop.

Okay.

I mean, I thought that was an amazing experience for the kids.

To see a movie with

the wind hitting you, leaves hitting you.

There's like monkeys on drones.

It's pretty spectacular.

Where's someone you'd like to like?

Where's someone you would like?

Where's somewhere you'd like to take your kids that you think would be magical for them?

And then where's someone you'd like to go with Lana?

And then where's someone you'd like to go by yourself?

No one else.

You get on a plane by yourself and go there for, be it intrinsic value or just something you want to do for yourself.

I'd like to take the family to Japan.

I've never been to Japan.

Japan's the fucking greatest.

Okay.

I've only been there with the USO tour,

not socially.

So that's where I want to go with the family.

With Lana,

she's, I mean...

She's traveled a lot, right?

So this is the difference between Lana's upbringing and mine upbringing.

She went on what they call semester at sea.

Have you ever heard about this?

fuck yeah it's on mtv oh it is it was like uh it was like they did one year of a real world on or road rules oh they did yeah oh okay yeah okay so you know in college a semester was spent at sea going to you know safari

japan india you know all these different places um

and uh i had semester at home it was no there was no nothing there was

the amount of experience she has had as a youth

dwarfs my experience as far as traveling is concerned.

Was there a culture shock when you guys first started dating?

Not so much a culture shock.

It was,

you know, Lana comes from a, you know, a family that's got some cash.

So they've had,

they had a different upbringing than I had, which you could see now in the parenting styles.

Lana is, I'm the disciplinarian.

Lana is more the, you know, happy-go-lucky.

It's okay.

Have, you know, have it, you know,

and that's good in a way.

It's a good dynamic that we share.

That's Leanne.

Leanne grew up in a trailer going barefoot to school until third grade, like nothing, with nothing.

And I grew up, I'd probably like Lana.

I mean, I don't know.

I don't really know Lana's background, but I know it's Florida.

I know Florida is certain places in Florida that, you know,

I was rich, but I didn't ask for anything.

I mean,

this is how I explained my upbringing.

I got a car when I was 16.

It wasn't the car I wanted, but I got a car when I was 16.

So that's, I think that's

you buy your daughter's a car.

Yeah.

I list, I'm still waiting for her to pass the driver's test.

She takes it like six times.

Wow.

I'm starting to think she shouldn't drive.

Like, she's failed it so many times.

And I'm like, maybe driving isn't.

How old is she?

19.

And she still don't got her license?

Wow.

It's this driver test is kicking her ass.

I think it's in her head now.

you know it's like she's got the ips

is it the actual driving or the never even gotten behind a wheel wow it's the written test she's dyslexic so it it fucked it she is like at one point

i had a i had a guest on i'll tell you his name just bleep it out

and

brother was like you know there's a guy that can just get you a license like you don't have to take the test and isla heard about that she's like dad if you're ever going to use your fucking celebrity for everything just get me a license i was like baby you got to learn how to drive you gotta there's the you gotta learn the rules of the road the roads road road rules or whatever rude road you know whatever you know what i'm saying

but yeah she uh she

i she wants a um

what's it a hellcat

i show she has no frame of reference for the dollar she doesn't she's never looked at a price ever she wants a dodge charger hellcat type it in that's that's a that's a mean car.

I think it's $250,000.

It's pretty expensive.

Georgia, on the other hand, I bought Georgia a car, but

I bought her the car,

just a safe car.

I just bought her a nice car.

It's an Explorer.

She loves it.

But yeah, I got a Fox.

I got a Volkswagen Fox.

I loved it.

My favorite car.

Okay, I got it.

But what I was saying is I grew up like Lana, where

I was a little more

the fun dad and Leanne was the disciplinarian.

Okay.

Yeah.

I carry the discipline in the house, which is fine.

But also I have, I'm completely aware and hypersensitive that these kids are growing up in a different environment that I grew up in.

So I am really kind of, I stay on them in regards to chores and, you know, this ain't normal.

There's a lot of that going around.

Yeah, you got to explain that to them.

Yeah, because

you could fall into this whole whole spoiled entitled brat shit.

How do you keep,

I wouldn't worry about your daughter as much as your son.

Meaning, like, I think a boy, it's more problematic.

When you see a boy who doesn't understand work ethic, that's the fucking problem.

I tend to do it with both of them.

Yeah.

I'm very,

I don't want to say strict, but I'm like, you know, this,

no one's going to give you anything in life, including me.

So

go make your bed.

There's a lot of that.

Really?

Wash your dish.

You know, I'm trying to make it as,

because I like the way I grew up.

Yeah.

I like the way I grew up.

I like the way my family raised me.

Please thank you.

Treat adults with respect.

Mr.

and Miss, you know, all that stuff.

And sometimes that gets lost in the sauce when, you know, you're wrapped up in career or what have you.

I never want to look back and go, what the the hell was I doing at Choctaw and not teaching my kids or not being at the game

for them?

Because, bro, you know it as well as I do.

And you're in a different stage.

You probably look at your daughters and go, I can't believe they're out of the house or they're at college.

And what happened to time?

Happened so quick.

Quick.

And I don't think you could be

totally satisfied with the amount of time that you spend your kids.

You'd never be satisfied.

But I think if you have the ability to be with them, then you know you should.

But listen, my dad was working his ass off, never really was with me, and we're best friends.

So

maybe it's all for not.

I don't know.

My dad worked his ass off.

And by the way, he also ran marathons on weekends.

So he was gone all the weekends.

He coached my baseball team and we went to sporting goods stores together.

We have a great relationship, but he was gone.

He worked every fucking day.

Yeah.

I always looked at that like I have massive regrets about how much i spent on the road because i spent all the time on the road same as you but mightn't have kids yet so i was just like i'd have to but i i told someone the other day a young comic was like i don't know they were young comic and he's like we're gonna freeze our eggs and they're not even married yet and i'm and i'm

like

like you just have the fucking kid i was like you know you

doesn't matter like you're gonna fucking work anyway like what are you gonna wait until you're doing theaters and then when you do theaters you're gonna go well fuck now's my opportunity i was like and then you wait you're gonna wait till you do arenas when if you do arenas trust me that's not when you want to start having kids.

And so I don't know.

I feel like I'm jealous of you and Tom and like even Joe for that matter, because Joe's kids, Joe's kids are a little older now, but he was really present when they were younger.

And I go, God, man, that's so fucking awesome.

But then I wouldn't have it any different.

I, I loved, I loved fucking racing home on a Monday morning to pick him up at school.

Monday, a little hungover, a little drunk still.

Yeah.

I loved it.

I loved it.

No, I mean, like, listen it all worked out the way it should have yeah we can't really look back and go hey i wish

but i i'm just very cognizant of being there for them uh before we get you out of here i want to talk about you and pete your podcast is so fucking awesome thank you it really is so awesome you guys have such a rich connection how did that start

met pete on one of those i don't know if you've ever did uh just for laughs comedy uh tours where you went to all these little small towns in canada met him on the van with two other comedians, and we basically spent two weeks popping around Canada together and instantly had a great, great rapport.

Uh, I thought he was one of the funniest guys I've ever met.

Without a doubt, quick on his feet, and I'm like, this guy's funny.

We started talking on the phone, and our phone conversations were really funny.

I said, Why don't we do a podcast?

This is what, 12, 12 years ago, and uh, started doing a podcast, no guests, just talking.

Yeah,

and um, you know, he's a beer and peanut guy, I'm like a wine and cheese guy, so the dynamic is.

He's still smoking weed.

Yeah.

By the way, Pete's,

he is so funny.

Like,

this sounds crazy, but like, I wish more people knew how fucking hysterical he is.

And he lives with his wife.

And were they still in upstate New York in some barn?

He recently moved to Rochester

from Fredonia.

So

he has a daughter, a 12-year-old daughter.

I never thought they were going to have kids.

Yeah, no, they just.

Jackie didn't want to have kids, you know, and then on one day, hey, let's have fucking kids.

Fucking, I know so much about his wife.

Spend time with him.

It's like his wife, he's got a great marriage.

His wife is his best fucking friend.

Oh, yeah.

And he's

obsessed with her.

Like he loves her.

Completely in love with her.

We just spent the weekend with them in Vegas.

She came down for her birthday and we did Vegas together.

And listen,

you're right.

More people should know who Pete Corielli is.

And the podcast we've been doing it, again, as like a passion project for the last 12 years called the Pete and Sebastian Show.

And

he's one funny guy.

You know, Bert,

I know I'm going to Israel.

So I roll like 20 joints.

That's maybe one of my favorite things to do is sit down.

Jackie takes the dog on a walk.

I'm fucking just rolling joints.

I put him inside the Marlboro.

I then reseal it, right?

I end up in a fucking Corvette with this comedian.

We get pulled over to the roadside.

They go, do you have any drugs?

Bert, I got 20 joints on me.

Pete is one of the, like,

you know what he is?

He's the one, the one exception I would say.

And there's a bunch of us like this, that he is hysterical standing next to him at a bar, at a fucking soccer game, on the sidelines, on stages when he's at his best.

I have so many great peace stories.

I remember we were smoking pot in Denver.

Do you remember the hotel we used to stay at at Denver when you do the improv?

It was that hotel that did this.

It went like this.

Was that

the one in the city or the other one?

It was outside the city.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

And the hotel was like this.

And they had a glass, sliding glass door and a door.

And Pete, I remember

I went to the vending machine.

I took my shirt was off and

I filled my shirt with crackers and chips.

I just bags and bags and bags.

And then I took him into the room and I opened them all up wide and I spread them out like we were going to have a a feast.

And Pete's like, look at this guy.

And we got beers, we got weed, and we start smoking weed.

And Pete goes,

whatever you do, don't open the door.

It's going to create a tunnel of wind and all our shit's going into the fucking lobby.

Don't open the door.

And I get a knock at the door and Pete goes, don't open it.

He's trying to shut the window.

And I open it and a van's worth of marijuana smoke hits two security guards and they're like, you guys got to put that out.

Pete goes, I told him not to open the door.

They never would have known.

God, I love that guy god i love he is one of my favorite guys alive and your podcast with him if if you have not listened to it fucking go listen is you guys seem like long-lost brothers yeah well thank you i appreciate it we do have a great time doing it and uh yeah and once a week pete and i sit down on a tuesday and kind of talk about our personal professional lives and uh pete's one of those guys to echo what you just said When he comes to dinner and we're all out on the road, it's like, you know, it's going to be fun.

He's one of these guys so uh yeah pizza pizza good dude take the fucking stuffed animal jackie hey uh real quick i i wrote down some things last night that i go does sebastian do these okay because these are things i do and i was wondering if you do any of these do you pee outside

oh

I have peed in my backyard.

Yes.

Yes, I have done that.

I don't make it a habit.

Have you ever made a spaghetti sandwich?

No.

i don't know what that is is it two pieces of white bread and then yeah it'd be but that's

that's terrible you never to you never have two starches together

you finish the spaghetti and then you have the bread you never eat bread and spaghetti at the same time eminem would beg to differ m sell spaghetti sandwiches at your mom's spaghetti and their sandwiches with spaghetti pretty fucking good how short are two shorter shorts like what what what inseam?

Five inches, seven inches?

Short shorts like you would wear around the house?

You would wear it around the house?

Yeah.

I'd say

I don't know.

Inch-wise, I'm going to go

if it's above mid-thigh.

If it's above mid-thigh, it's too high.

A little too high for.

So you don't wear short shorts?

No, I don't wear short shorts.

To work out, maybe I'll wear a shorter short, but if I'm going to wear, I'm not a short guy to begin with.

I wear like,

you know, maybe

three inches above the knee.

So you wake up out of bed in the morning, this morning, you get up, you wake up.

Do you put on clothes to go into the house or do you go into your underwear and make a cup of coffee?

I put a robe on.

Do you have a robe?

Oh.

I don't have a fucking robe.

I may have robes.

By the way, I'll wear them.

Yeah, I put a robe on.

As soon as I get up,

you put a robe on?

Yeah.

You You put a robe on.

And I have robes, different robes for different times of the year.

So today was a little, it's getting colder out.

I brought out my kind of cotton robe.

And then during the summer, I wear a thinner, like almost like a silk, kind of Andy Garcia Godfather 3

robe.

If there's anything I love, I love learning.

Do you wear slippers?

No.

I don't wear shoes now.

I know.

I don't wear slippers.

I don't wear...

came, I usually come out bare, butt naked.

Yeah, see, you're one of these guys that's really like comfortable in the nude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I ain't like that.

Really?

No.

You haven't woken up in the morning and just walked across your backyard naked with your dog and turned on your sauna and then walked and got back in bed with wet feet?

No, my no.

I might get some fucking robes.

That might be a fucking look.

For me, it's more of a, I don't know what I want to do yet with the wardrobe.

So it's almost like my

warm-up.

Like, what am I going to do today?

Where am I going today?

Like, I didn't want to get in this outfit right out of bed because I had to eat breakfast.

Do you have an outfit before that?

Or is that your outfit?

Did you go robe?

Robe shower this.

I don't want to eat breakfast in the outfit that that I'm going to go out in in fear that anything might get on the outfit.

What did you eat for breakfast?

I had a breakfast burrito.

I had a steak breakfast burrito from Erwan.

Whoa, what's the price tag on that?

$140?

I think that's probably an $18 purchase.

But I have no kitchen right now.

I'm remodeling the kitchen.

Really?

That makes sense.

Yeah, I am naked.

coffee

shit

and then I get dressed for a workout and work out barefoot.

And then I shower in my backyard.

Sauna shower in my backyard, clothes, and then I'm, that's what I'm wearing for the day.

What was this always naked?

Well, I have kids, and I have a problem like with,

I know some kids show, some parents shower with their kids.

There's an age where you got to stop it.

I never did that.

Oh, for real?

Never.

Oh, I did it up until like they were 18.

What's the longest you haven't showered?

Longest I've ever showered?

No, you haven't showered.

Like how many days have you gone without a shower?

One day.

One day?

Yeah.

Wow.

One day.

Well, okay.

I'm a multiple shower guy during the day.

Do you wash your face?

Yeah.

How many times?

Like once a day?

So I do.

Your skin looks fucking incredible.

Oh, thank you.

And mine looks pretty red, I'm assuming.

I'm just, I've got acne on my cheeks for whatever whatever fucking reason yeah I saw that I know and I and I've been washing I'm doing a face regimen now what are you doing uh what's it called oculus was it something

hey what's it called Sandra

Leanne I just got it I went to Sephora because I had right on my beard I'd had pimples right at my beard and I don't know it's all I only place I have them so I went to Sephora and I got a whole face it's a seven part face thing it's like a it's a it's a oil then a soap then an astringent then a white cream then a pink cream then another cream then a spray then an under eye thing and I've been doing it every day

But it's but it's fucking I'm thinking I'm gonna go to a dermatologist

Yeah, you might have to yeah, do you would you do wash your face every day?

You have like a routine?

Yeah, really and and I have makeup on

Are you serious?

Yeah, I told you I should have fucking makeup on God, you look amazing.

Well, thank you.

Give me a take on the makeup.

Like, this seems to be the form of entertainment that a lot of people are watching, right?

Yeah.

So when you go on Jimmy Kimmel or you go on a Conan O'Brien, whatever the show is, you wear any makeup?

Yeah.

Okay.

So

nothing really different here.

We have cameras.

This is going to be broadcast to the world, right?

I feel like,

you know,

Little Powder, Little Foundation.

Little Powder Foundation would have been smart.

I said, should I get fucking hair and makeup?

And everyone's like, it's a podcast.

Well, I understand like the podcast is raw.

Oh, it's raw, whatever.

But

I had a couple podcasts today.

I should have gotten hair.

I should have gotten makeup.

No, no, no.

You shouldn't have gotten anything.

You have no shoes on.

Yeah.

So why would we even start with?

I didn't even use soap in the shower.

You don't wash your face?

No, I did wash my face today.

Yeah, but like, generally speaking, you don't have to.

I just started like a month ago.

So when you're in the shower, there's no soap that penetrates your face at all.

It's just water.

Shampoo.

You use shampoo on your face.

Like if I put shampoo in my hair, i'll just wash my beard and face don't you don't you uh don't you uh take a bath in the pool yeah i'm a pool shower guy yeah so that's like i showered last night in the hot tub was my shower i got in the hot tub i shower in the hot tub and then i get out does anybody else do this on the team like does anybody else go we're we're gonna shower in the pool today lean leanne actually showered after the hot tub like a lunatic oh yeah you rinse you got you you rinse that off she took a shower after the hot tub she was like i'm gonna take another shower.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's normal.

No.

It's clean.

It's clean.

I guarantee you, if you asked Lana,

she'd count the pool as a shower.

No.

100%.

I bet she counts the ocean as a shower.

No, no, no.

She has to.

She went from Florida.

Have you ever pissed in a bottle in a bed?

No.

Never pissed in a bottle in a bed.

No.

And then put it in the side of the bed and wait till you got to go.

I think my grandfather used to do that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because he was 80.

Do you smell?

If you have a slippery smell, do you smell it?

I don't have B.O.

You don't have B.O.?

No.

I have

whatever the gene or whatever that produces the B.O., I don't have it.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

So do you wear a deodorant?

No.

Are you serious?

There's no time for my body to develop B.O.

All right?

Because by the time

if I had it, I'm in the shower again.

Really?

Like, I'm showering after this.

I'm showering after this.

And

it's a whole routine.

Really?

Yeah.

So what do you guys got going on tonight?

Lana is having an event.

She is

doing a collaboration with Shea Jewelry.

She's coming out with her own line of jewelry.

For real?

Yeah.

Inspired by her art.

So Lana's got

jewelry coming out and she's got a bag line coming out,

which I'm I'm really proud of her because can we pull it up?

Is there anything to pull up?

Paper art?

Her art's fucking awesome.

I don't know if it's on

Lana Gomez art.

Yeah, there it is.

I don't know if she has it on her website yet.

It's with Shea Jewelry.

I don't know if it's here yet, but the bags, interestingly enough, are one of her paintings they took and made 50 bags out of her painting.

So if you put the bags up,

they mirror the painting.

Can I tell you what's cool about Lana being an artist?

Is she was an artist.

She didn't become an artist.

She married some fucking comedian.

No, no.

She's always been an artist.

She's always been an artist.

And now she is.

And she's always been a good artist.

Like

she has always been at the highest level of art when you met her.

Yeah.

And thank you for saying that.

She's put a lot of time into it.

And she's spent a lot of time with my career and getting my career off the ground.

And now it's time for Lana to flourish on her own.

So

I'm proud of you and squashed.

No need for two shining bright lights in our house.

Just one light, one light and let's focus on that.

Let the moth fly there and make sure that moth is fed.

Look at this.

Look at this.

That's fucking awesome.

Do you have a hard time?

Like, like sometimes I'll take a joke to Leanne and she'll be like, huh?

Or like if I bring him to my assistant, this is what I got to work on this.

He'll be like, whoa,

you're not going to say that.

And I go, please don't ever do that.

Don't ever do that.

And, But do you have a hard time when she brings you a painting?

Because I'm assuming you, like me, don't really,

I probably have the fucking finest tuned eye for art the way like art people do.

Does she do a painting?

And then she's like, what do you think?

And you're just like, I really don't fucking know.

Well, no, I give him an opinion.

I, you know, she'll go, what do you think?

And I'll go, oh, you know, I'd like to see some more color there.

I mean, this is my opinion.

And maybe?

Yeah.

And then what is she?

Was she like, yeah, you're wrong?

No, very, I mean, she might do it.

She might not, but she's very good at accepting any opinion because she's asking me, right?

I only ask opinions to hear you say you agree with me.

Hey, what do you think of this?

You love it?

Awesome.

That was what I was looking for.

Well, you know, as far as telling jokes to people,

I never preface it by saying, you think this is funny.

I'll just say it.

And if they laugh, then I'll know it's funny.

Or if they don't, I go,

I won't say that.

Yeah.

I, yeah.

I don't know.

I think if you preface it, you've, you set yourself up for like, or set the person up going, okay,

now I'm

whatever I say is, you know,

I had a joke about edit it out, but I had a joke about,

dude, I have so much shit I've edited out.

You'd be shocked the shit I had to edit out.

I got a call from

edit that out.

Edit that out.

By the way, I just want to ask the team and you,

how

many

hours or days of footage is edited out?

Do we have a bin where this stuff lives?

Oh, we should have an edited out podcast the day I die.

Just post it.

That's what Pete and I were going to do is like all the stuff we edit out when we pass away.

The podcast is going to go on for another eight years with the amount of material.

Your special is phenomenal.

Your special is fucking phenomenal.

I love where you shot it.

I love,

I mean, you're, you're one, there's when, when you die, if someone would do a highbrow dissecting of comedy, you are in a very rarefied air of people who can

take

take anything and make it brilliantly funny.

Take the minutiae of life and make it so brilliantly funny.

I always say you and Nate Pargazzi are guys I can't really wrap my head around how good you guys are at doing what you do.

And I, and I do it for a living and I watch you guys.

I'm like, god damn it.

I had a joke.

I had a joke.

I had a joke in one of my specials about raffle tickets.

I think I might have told you this about raft tickets, one raft tickets.

I won a raffle, 12 prizes in a row.

I bought all the raft tickets.

And I kept, every time I did this joke, I said, God damn it, I wish Sebastian would do this part because it would be, you would make it so funny.

And my brain doesn't see things like that.

I can't see like little things you do are so good when you're talking.

I'm watching the special last night night and there's a little thing you do with your mouth where I don't even know if you know you're doing it.

And it just is, it adds so much.

And I always go back to Seinfeld saying, if I can do an act out and it adds to the bit, why wouldn't I do that?

And that is the fucking truth.

If you can make a bit funnier, which you have such a gift at doing, is taking a great joke and making it so yours.

And that is this special.

It is phenomenal, man.

That's very nice of you.

I'm so happy for you.

It is going to be on, it is going to be on Hulu, but it's, it's,

why did I watch it on Disney last night?

Yeah, it's under the Disney umbrella.

Okay, so it's on Hulu.

It's going to be on Hulu starting Friday, November 21st.

Is that right after Thanksgiving?

That is right before Thanksgiving.

Dude, let me tell you something.

This special is going to blow up because every family is going to sit and watch this Thanksgiving week.

That's why it's right before Thanksgiving, bro.

It's fucking huge.

It ain't right.

Available on Hulu starting Friday, November 21st.

It is filled live at the Legendary United Center in Chicago.

It's so fucking good, man.

Thank you.

I appreciate you having it.

Hey, when are me and Lana and Leanne going out to dinner?

When you stop working.

Stop working.

I think the last time we broke bread was when you came to do well done.

And Leanne got fucking Invisalign that day.

She goes, she goes, I'm going to go get Invisalign.

I go, okay, cool.

Wait, she didn't eat?

No, because she got Invisalign and she had those bumps all over her teeth.

And I go, and she goes, Charles, a lot weird.

And I was like, we're going on TV today.

Why would you get this done today?

She goes, you can't tell.

And I was like, I can totally tell.

She's like, I'm not supposed to eat for 24 hours.

I go, you get plastic surgery and you get your teeth done.

That's what you get done?

What the fuck?

I didn't know that.

Trans Sebastian.

This is so sweet of you.

I was like, can you just not talk?

Just put your hand over your mouth like you're fucking, like a wildling.

God damn it.

We'll go out to dinner.

All right, let's do it.

Hey, congratulations.

Thank you.

Thanks for doing this.

You got it.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.