Melt Man & Belly Malt

Today,

in 2013,

I did the vulnerability.

Video, like,

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ATNT Fiber has limited the queer service that cover Wi-Fi extended ATNT concerns.

A listener production.

Folks, it's time to meet your next favorite character today.

Please meet Belly Malt in today's Auntie Donna podcast episode and watch the visuals on the Auntie DonnerClub.com.

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You listen to the Auntie Donna Podcast, the greatest fucking podcast in the world.

Bringing like a tag and sometimes a guest.

We hope you enjoyed the motherfucking podcast.

Hi, welcome to the Auntie Donna podcast.

Listen, usually we play silly characters and goofs and usually we do, you know,

things that are off the wall.

Things that are evergreen as well is a big part of what we do because we have been accused of

banking in the past.

We've stopped banking.

We now record the hour before the episode comes out,

but we try to keep it general.

However, however,

however, and I checked this with Broden, I haven't checked this with Mark.

I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

Broden gave me

a

resounding, yes, this is a good enough podcast topic.

No, no, I didn't.

No, I didn't.

Broden said, I said, is this enough for a podcast?

He said, oh, too much.

I worry that we won't be able to wrap up the podcast in time.

Just from full context, just to represent represent myself none of what he's saying is true okay well i did ask you if this would be and that's true i went like yeah yeah yeah

and then you said absolutely great idea for a podcast lock it in i did say that no you didn't no i didn't i

came into the listener studio came upstairs they play television They play, just they have television playing.

They play television.

They have television playing.

Right.

On televisions.

Yeah.

I thought you meant people were coming into work and being like watch me watch me change my channel turn me on and off check my brightness levels i don't think you actually thought that's what i meant i did you they i i understand the point that you're trying to make playing a tv like a child i wasn't clear

The people at Listener are quite childish in their

imagination.

A lot of in sales.

A lot of them are in sales.

So to me, it's not a stretch to suggest that, you you know, you would walk in and a bunch of people are playing TVs.

How'd that go again?

Well,

I'm 65 inches.

Oh, but

not left to right, from corner to corner.

Come, measure me up.

Turn me on and off from the back.

I don't have enough HDMI ports for how many things you have.

Sorry about that.

I'm thin.

And that's a really funny character, but this is a serious podcast.

Mount me to a wall.

Mount you to a wall.

It's a very funny character, Mark.

But this is a serious podcast because I've got some serious news.

Are you ready for this?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Just shoot me.

This player got Ted and Peach.

Okay, so just to...

Just for me, just for my mind, to bring me some clarity.

So the thing, Broden, that you said this is great,

and there's enough here for a podcast,

is that Zach just mentioned

that the sitcom from the 90s, early noughties, Just Shoot Me,

was playing on one of the TVs in the FOIA.

On 10 Peach.

On 10 Peach,

I believe the Channel 10 digital channel in Australia that is aimed more to a female audience, correct?

Your Peach, yeah.

I believe it's supposed to be in a general sense.

So when they went from analog to digital, all the channels got more channels.

Channel 10

got, they gave them different names.

Now they've landed on 10

Peach and 10?

Channel 10, what's 11 become?

Something else.

And 10 Peach.

11.

But on 10 Peach, they were playing 10 Peach was Just Shoot Me.

Maya was going on a date.

David Spade was being very silly about it.

And I thought maybe we could talk about that.

Just talk about

the fact that it was playing when you walked in.

Yeah, I think it might still be playing, yeah.

Do you want to talk about the show just shoot me and our relationship to it?

Or do we need to remove ourselves from that?

We talk about just the fact that it was on one of the TV.

I just thought it was like, that's big news.

That's big news that the audience needs to hear.

That they're doing a repeat of just shoot me on 10 play.

10 peach.

10 peach.

Well, it it would be it would be on 10 play so if you're listening to this now after the fact and you want to watch just shoot me you can go to 10 play

i think that's relevant

sure it's relevant i'll agree with you there and a good topic for the

that's where i start to because broden loved it did you broden did you encourage this behavior let me be frank

here we go okay frank i can't wait for this can't wait wait for the voice.

Hi, Frank.

Nice to meet you.

No, I meant.

When he said it, I went, that is funny.

Yeah.

And then I went, but that's about, what are we now, about six minutes of a podcast?

And also,

you know, so for those who don't know, for listeners at home that don't know,

we have pre-production meetings before we have our podcast recordings.

And in those pre-production meetings, we sit down and we go, here are the ideas we're going to do.

And we do that so that our producers,

Lindsay and then, you know, Nick, who helps cut

all the clips and stuff, they have time to sort of prepare.

They write down what we're going to do.

They plan.

And your point is?

Well, the point is, is that one of the ones that we discussed was not 10 peach in the foyer

screening a repeat.

How is it going to be?

If we can't

be present and ready to talk about

Meltman.

And you still can do Meltman.

Last week, I was supposed to do a degrassi character.

That didn't happen.

In fact, please bring in Meltman.

Are you sure?

Are you sure you want to do that?

Because

we can still do that.

I just worry about.

Now I feel like this podcast

needs

to be about the fact that just shoot me was playing on 10 Peach.

But I think Meltman might like that.

i get what you're saying i get it i get it i worry that to bring in melt man would cheapen the importance of the message here which is that just shoot me is playing on 10 peach and not now as you're listening to this they're going to come to it come to me on reddit they're going to come at me on reddit for this bit they're going to go oh actually i wish they'd done meltman

I actually wish they'd done Meltman.

I'm sorry, but

the way that Zach actually brought up Just Shoot Me on Tin Peach,

I actually prefer it when they play characters like Meltman.

Well, I can,

dear listener, dear audience, I can promise you.

Zach speaks for himself.

No, well, no, I was going to say that this is much more interesting than anything Meltman has to offer.

I was going to play Bally Malt.

Which we've seen.

Have we seen these characters yet on

the most upsetting guessing game in the world.

Because I would hate to ruin the surprise of Meltman, which we've, I suppose we've just done.

Well, no, but we can hold on to this episode until Post-Meltman makes his, you know, the Post-Meltman debut.

If we were still banking them, we could.

But unfortunately,

we've recorded this the moment before it's gone off.

In that case, yes.

Remember, they have seen it because it came out.

Sure.

You're right.

You're right.

Please welcome.

Back to 10 Peach.

10 Peach, of course, quickly.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

We should bring in Meltman.

You want to bring in Meltman?

Me?

Yeah.

I want to talk about the fact that Just Shoot Me's on 10 Peach.

But if we think that maybe we should bring in Meltman.

Well, I have another office observation.

Maybe this podcast could be more about the observations at the listener office

because the peach, the 10 Peach Just Shoot Me thing, i mean in my opinion it's run out of steam and i'm not sure what else there is to what roden imagined when we were talking about it he imagined someone in a doctor's office perhaps watching you know in the in the with the sound off the voice

and meyer yeah yeah yeah

right

i mean there's just another office thing i'd like to talk about which i think is yeah yeah go for it potentially relevant yeah should i bring in bally molt yeah At some point.

You don't think I should bring in bally molt now?

Almost the Grassy character that I...

see here's the thing yeah i worked on my canadian accent for the whole drive here

but but that was last week we're not backing them anymore no

no we're not and we need to be clear about that

i noticed on belly malt oh you see belly malt here belly malt it's me belly malt Hello, belly malt.

Belly malt is...

What are you?

I'm all the malt in everyone's bellies.

Whether I was, see, I'm a different belly malt to mug.

So people have probably watched the most upsetting guesser game in the world where I was belly malt.

Where that was, I was specifically the malt from one tin of malt.

You were malt from one tin of malt that had been in milkshakes and spread around in other people's tummies.

But now I'm all malt.

I'm the malt in Maltesers.

I'm the malt in Milo.

I'm the malt in a tin of straight-up malt that goes into a milkshake as an extra.

I'm all that malt after it goes into the belly of your friends.

Okay, but you still are in a belly.

Do you travel?

I travel wherever you travel.

Right.

Because you're in my belly.

I travel to the colon and to the poop, but mostly I just sit in your belly.

I'm belly malt.

Are you, what is malt?

Malt is a yummy thing that you put in Malteses, Milos, and milkshakes.

And I'm the malt that, after you drink it, that goes into your belly.

But what is

malt?

Malt.

I don't know.

I am malt.

I don't know what is it.

Is it a flavor?

Like chocolate comes from the cocoa bean.

Where does malt come from?

I really don't know.

I just spent my whole life in Milo or Maltese's and now I'm in a belly.

I never went to school.

Mark, this is belly malt.

I'm belly malt.

I'm all the malt in all.

If you just had some malt,

then I'm in your belly.

What's your flavor profile?

How would you describe

the flavor?

I don't know.

I've never eaten malt.

I don't have a mouth because I'm bally malt.

But surely you've heard the

sort of

exasperations of people who have eaten you.

No, I just hear their mouth going

as I go into the belly.

I'm belly malt.

I was once in Milo.

Now I'm in your belly.

I'm belly malt.

It's belly malt, Mark.

This is belly malt.

I'm the malt in your belly.

I'm the malt in your

friends' bellies.

Did you know that just shoot me is on 10 peach?

God damn it, yes, I do.

That's the biggest news to come to belly since since

the death of the queen.

Oh, yeah.

I'm belly malt.

Do you do but does malt traditionally love just shoot me?

Yeah, I watch it every day.

I used to watch it when I was a kid, that and Becca.

I'm bally malt.

My question is.

Back then, I wasn't bally malt.

Back then, I was Milo Malt.

So you change.

So you, um,

so uh so let me get this straight.

Uh you change uh you're

changing malt that lives in a belly.

Yeah, but you change uh malts.

You change malts?

What are you talking about?

You change malts.

What are you talking about?

You said I was the malt

in my malt.

I'm all the malt that ever there was and I'm all the malt that lives in a belly.

So you're like Milo Malt was the one that liked to just shoot me and I hold within him his memories.

I hold within me his memories.

So you're like an omnipotent

sort of all-knowing malt.

Not all-knowing.

I know whatever the malts before me knew.

Yeah, but all malt-knowing.

All malt-knowing.

You know all that a malt can do.

If malt got, if malt is now poo malt, that's not me.

So I don't know what that malt knew.

Pooh malt.

You were just in the belly because he just stays in the belly.

I'm only belly malt.

You're not poo malt.

No.

And you're not.

But you are.

You are.

I was Milo malt maltesa malt malt malt now i'm bali malt belly malt not poo malt is there malt throat malt is there malt in beer

huh is there malt in beer barley

barley sorry there's malt in barley are you from barley i don't know i'm malt he's malt man i'm malt malt loves just shoot me in becca Milo malt loved Just Shoot Me and Becca.

There was this little fat kid that used to come home from school, make himself a little glass.

I can say it was fat because it was Zach.

He used to come home from school, make himself a couple of Savoy's, get a milk, put some more.

That is the best.

And he'd sit down and watch repeats of Just Shoot Me on Channel 10.

Yeah.

And that was the malt that I was.

And now I'm Zach's Belly Malt.

Were they repeat me?

Your belly molt and your belly malt?

At the time, were they new episodes of Just Shoot Me?

No, they were repeats, but like it was still coming out.

So it was like repeats of season one.

I don't know.

I didn't think this threw on bally molt.

Did you used to watch, because I watched Becker and Just Shoot Me Too.

What other sitcoms from that era, those sort of second tier down sitcoms that were the reaction to, you know, Friends and Seinfeld?

Well, I saw Friends and Seinfeld, Fraser.

I didn't get Fraser at the time.

It was a little high for Luton for a little bally molt.

But at the time I was Maltese Malt watched Fraser, because that's the kind of thing.

Oh, you sit down and have a couple of Maltese.

Or maybe I'll have Maltese.

Do you know what you get Malteses a lot?

The opera.

Oh, yeah.

Are you in people's bellies when they're watching the opera?

Yeah, and musicals.

I just saw the new Rent.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I saw the new Rent.

Well, how was that?

It doesn't hold up.

Why now?

Why now, you know?

Yeah, and why then, really?

Let's be honest.

Why then?

Remember when they made the movie, they cut a bunch of songs and then they just kept the cast of the original and they were

directed it.

For you to have seen that, we know that someone ate Malteses or drank malt while watching the film Rent.

Yeah.

Yeah, someone had a couple of, had a couple.

They had a milkshake and they made it themselves.

They got the whole tin of malt.

I put Rent up there with

I Enjoy Rent.

Oh, sorry, Broden.

I just very briefly touched fingers

in what could have been a romantic moment, but he pulled it.

I don't know.

I'm afraid of where it could have fled.

And that's where this podcast has gotten to, that just the slightest little touch of fingers must be addressed on air live.

We're coming to you live.

Did you

want to bring in anyone to talk to Malt Man?

I mean, Melimolt.

I'm Belly Malt, not Mali Malt.

Malt Man is...

If Maltman and Belly Malt had a baby,

potentially that would be Malt Man.

Oh, Malt Boy, though,

for the first 16 years.

Or Malt Boy.

Can I ask you a question?

When you touch fingers, what does it feel like?

I don't have fingers.

I just have malt.

Because you're belly malt.

Belly malt.

To feel the touch.

Touch is a wonderful sense.

Feeling.

I don't have feeling because I don't have nerves.

I just have malt.

Oh, look, it's melt man.

It's me, meltman.

Hey, melt man, it's me, belly malt.

Folks, you are in for a treat today.

Much like someone who has had a Milo milkshake and is sitting down to an episode of Becca in 2002.

You are in store.

We have both Belly Malt

and Meltman.

I'm Meltman.

Hey, Meltman, you're melted.

We got some music for Meltman.

Do we?

Yeah.

Sounds like this.

I can't wait to hear it, but I can't hear it because I don't have ears.

I'm an old man.

Oh, he's old, and he's

Melt Man.

Melt Man, we're just getting your music, Melt Man.

Oh, I love this.

I can't hear it.

Oh, you can't hear it because your ears are all melted.

Sounds great.

This is a live track.

You can't hear that?

Yes, I can hear that.

It's really scary.

Meltman.

I'm Meltman.

Hey, Meltman.

Hi.

You should run for Mira Melt City.

Meltman.

Why aren't you running for Mira's

Melt City, Melt Man?

Mel Himal, what are you talking about?

Why is that your first question?

How do you know there's a Melt City?

I know everything.

I know there's a Melt City.

You can't feel.

What are you talking about?

You just said you can't feel.

I use my malt brain.

Malt brain?

Yeah, I use my malt brain to learn.

I might not have gone to school like you humans.

Who's boiling sausages?

Who's boiling sausages?

Who's boiling sausages?

Oh, Melt Man, I want some sausages.

Why do you ask?

Well, I'm Meltman and I can smell a boiled sausage from a mug.

Meltman's fucked up.

Hey, Meltman, have you ever been to Melt City?

Melt City?

Where's this ghost?

I don't know.

To Melt City, but I do know where to get the best tuna melting.

All of Lustral.

Took a turn.

That's cool.

He took a turn.

Meltman likes tuna melts, but he's never been to Melt City.

Yeah, where I've been?

Malt City.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Pork.

Boy.

I smell pork.

I smell wet pork from the bubbling bottles of a pot.

Oh, he loves malt.

He loves boiled sausages.

Oh, yeah.

You ever had malt melt man?

No, I care not for such base pleasures.

Folks, if you are just joining us, we have replaced two members of this podcast with two heightened characters.

One is Belly Malt.

I'm Belly Malt.

I'm all the Malt in all your bellies.

Belly Malt, tell me, have you been in my belly?

Well, no, apparently not.

Because you reckon you've never had malt, but I reckon you've had cheeky malteser at the movies once or twice.

I have, I have, I have.

And this is Meltman.

I'm Meltman.

I have some inventions.

You have many inventions.

I have some inventions.

Meltman can smell a boiled sausage from anywhere.

I can smell boiled sausage from a miles away.

Because it's melting?

Because it's wet.

But he's never even been to Melt City, let alone run for mayor.

I can smell boiled sausage in the same way I can smell a moist pig from over a hundred meters away.

I love melt.

What are fucking talking about?

I'm Meltman and I have had no melt in my belly, but I've had malt in my tummy.

Wow, one podcast.

Meltman?

I have inventions.

Hey, Meltman.

Tell me about some of your inventions.

I would love to know.

Have you ever invented malt?

I've never invented malt, but think of meat.

Think of a...

You invented a meat?

No, but think of a meat.

You can smell a suckling pig from

400 kilometers away.

Not a suckling pig.

No, just a wet pig.

Just a wet hog.

If there's a hog that's been drenched in liquid.

What are you talking about?

Over 10 meters away, I can sniff it out.

I melt, man.

Melt me in

a thousand meters away.

I regret this.

I regret it.

Imagine meeting me.

Okay, great.

Fielding the questions will be

the mold that exists in bellies.

Yeah, belly mold.

Imagine meat in the tiniest pieces that you can think of.

What?

Imagine meat in the tiniest pieces.

Cut, divided, separated into the smallest pieces, smallest pieces.

Are we talking atoms?

No, bigger than atoms.

Bigger than

Adam's apples.

Okay, that's pretty big.

Tiny pieces, almost like thin, sort of just thin little robes.

Are you talking about Carpaccio?

No.

Are we talking about Carpaccio?

No, it's not that scary or unsettling.

You're just talking about Carpaccio.

Are you talking about it like

are you putting it in a blender so it's almost like a paste?

It's sort of like a paste.

It's bigger than Adam's apple.

Do you want to return it?

Denser than a paste.

It is smaller than an Adam's apple.

Oh, okay.

Meltman needing a tiny sort of form.

And what are we making here?

Like a

small mat.

No, it depends on the coarseness.

Yeah, you're talking about sausage.

Has he buried the lead?

Buried the lead?

I don't know what I mean.

What are you talking about?

Hey, man, you just leave this to the price.

Hey, Melt, man, you ever had malt?

I've been to gold-class cinemas, and I've watched many a film.

And I've, you know, dined on some chocolatey snacks that, yes, had some melt in it.

But I've never eaten belly malt.

I've never...

I can't eat belly malt because belly malt only exists once you've eaten malt.

But if you could like haggis...

Haggis with malt in it would be belly malt.

Yeah, you can feed it to one of your pigs, slaughter the pigs.

I don't own pigs.

I can just get a whiff of them.

I reckon for them from over five meters of belly malt if you really wanted to, but it'd be fucked up.

Yeah, what are they invented?

I've tried to explain my first one, but you've rejected it.

You've rejected it.

Oh, we would never!

Imagine a workplace where you don't need to pay full-time rent.

Hot desking.

Hot desking?

Well, yeah, I suppose.

Are you talking about WiiWork?

Yes, I suppose I am.

You invented WeWork.

What's WiWork?

Well, I came to the idea of my own sort of one late one night.

I went, imagine that concept.

And then I looked it up and it had already been invented.

But that

shouldn't be taken away from the fact that I did come up with it independently because I wasn't aware.

We work was a flop.

We work was bad.

It was a bad idea.

But I still came up with it.

Yeah, you can't take it.

After, after.

Can I?

Same with the phrase espresso

depresso espresso.

I've never heard that phrase.

Yes, it's a common saying.

I came up with it.

Depresso espresso.

Depresso, espresso.

What do you mean?

I was sort of sad.

Sad.

I was sort of sad one day, and it felt like it had come, you know, the sadness had come quite quickly in the way that caffeine would be too quickly after an espresso coffee.

And so I said, I'm Depresso Espresso.

And then I looked it up and I was like, that's a great invention.

It's a great idiom I've come up with.

That's great.

You know, it had been on Urban Dictionary for 12 years already.

But I did come up with it.

Have you ever created an invention, Melt Man, that hasn't been invented before you thought of it?

No, not yet, but I'm can't wait for the day.

We'll seize the day.

Carpe Diem.

Carpe Diem, can we turn the tables, Melt Man?

Because I love you.

You're beautiful.

You're the mayor of Melt City.

I never visited Melt City.

I don't think it's a place that exists.

I don't think it's appropriate for Melt Man to be the mayor of Melt City.

I make a ripper tuna melt.

So if you would consider, you know, the realm of hot press sandwiches.

Melt City sandwiches.

We should go to Subway.

They explain it to you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's the course and you walk out with a sandwich.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm in the belly with a sandwich.

I don't have time for this.

I'm melting away as we smell.

What do you smell?

He, okay, folks.

He can smell a wet pig.

He can.

He invents things that have already been invented.

He is melting.

These are the traits and attributes of Meltman.

Men in mine are.

You are melt.

You wait.

You're malt.

Belly.

Belly malt.

Belly malt.

You exist in a bellies.

And we are best friends.

And so you are.

Meltman, Belly Malt.

Double attributor alert.

They are friends.

The best of friends.

I first met Meltman at Malt University.

He came

because he misread it and he thought they would teach him melt.

I get into all your cupboards.

He gets into your cupboards.

Alright, he can smell a wet pig.

And he's sausage, boiled sausage.

But is that because it's pig?

No, he's...

Am I right in sir?

I don't want to speak Bory Malta.

I smell a lamb sausage just

from a few more meters away.

Wet sausage.

Wet pig.

Wet sausage.

Boiled.

Boiled sausage.

Boiled sausage, not wet sausage.

You're not listening to Meltman.

He's my hero.

Need to pay attention to the fine details you're to describe.

He makes...

What makes me Meltman?

I'm Meltman.

Hey, Meltman.

Hello, Belly Malt.

You're not here in Malt City?

Malt City?

I'm from Malt City.

And you're from Melt City?

He's from Melt City.

No.

I'm from Laviton.

Oh, I've got you though.

You did get me.

You nearly said it.

What's on TV now, I wonder?

Jeff Shootmey.

Really?

Yeah, Jeff Shootme's on 10 Peach.

Melt Man, I got an idea.

You want to have a little scheme with me?

I would love to scheme.

I'm Bally Molt.

I would love to scheme.

Alright.

Listen to the music that defines my character.

It's terrifying.

Yeah, I don't have any music music because we didn't plan my character as much.

So I'm Bally Malt and I got a plan.

Broden's been interviewing us this whole time.

I think we're about time we turned the tables on Broden.

I want to know all about Broden.

Sure, I'm an open book.

His dreams.

Can he smell boiled sausage?

Can you smell boiled sausage?

If I was

frying a little boiled sauce?

Yeah, that's what he calls it.

Boiled sausage!

Yes, if I was frying a little sausage.

If I was frying a little meat sack on a Weber,

but I was- Meat sack?

Yeah, you just said you call them saush!

Yeah, but they are a meat sack.

A little sack of meat.

Confined in a tube of the intestinal

very animal

that the meat has come from.

By the time that Sosh gets into the belly and sitting around with me, oh, because I'm Ballybolt, it's popped out of its sack.

And it's just meat mush.

He's meat mush.

We've scared him into oblivion.

See, it's funny, I don't know it as a belly sack.

I don't know it as a meat sack.

I just know it as meat mush because that sack has popped by the time it's in my inner belly.

Sash.

Sush.

I can smell sush.

Can you smell a boiled sush?

Can you smell a boiled sush?

Yeah.

Can you smell a boiled sush?

I can smell the white skin of the intestine from over a kilometer away if it's being boiled at over a hundred degrees.

I would have thought you would.

That's funny you use metric.

I would have thought you would have said miles.

Miles Teller, the best of the Spider-Man.

What?

He's not a Spider-Man.

Miles Teller.

He is

in Meltdown.

Because he's in Fantastic Four.

And Whiplash.

That's a word to make Spider-Man.

Miles Morales, Miles Teller, all the Miles are the same to me.

Fiction or not?

Vanessa Carltons.

Vanessa Carltons.

A thousand.

A thousand miles.

She sings of all the Spider-Men.

The song A Thousand Miles is my favorite song about the Spider-Man multiverse.

He can smell wet pig and boiled sausage from a thousand miles, miles tellers away.

He's in the belly of everyone who's ever eaten malt.

You?

He's in your belly.

You.

I've not had malt lately.

Have you ever had malt?

Yeah.

I'm in your belly, man.

He has a podcast about Aussie Rules football.

Belly malt?

No, the Broden Callie amongst us.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Broden Kelly.

Hi.

I'm Bally Malt.

I know.

I'm Meltman.

Meltman's my best friend.

Guys, quick question.

Meltman,

what defines you?

What defines me?

You can smell a sush.

I can smell a sush.

Boiled sash.

Boiled and wet.

I can smell a pig covered in liquid from over a hundred kilometers away.

And it can be filthy, as you imagine.

Eating its own shit from a trough.

Pigs are quite clean animals.

Do you know what you look like?

Can I give you a physical attribute?

Please.

I like your...

Even though you're an old man, I like that you dye your hair black.

Thank you.

I just think that I just saw him as a very old man, but with black hair.

Yes, and it's thinning.

And it's leaking a bit.

Yes, like kind of like

Zorg from Fifth Element.

My head is a little bit more.

Rudy, Julian.

Your head leaks, or

your hair dye leaks.

Your hair dyes leaks.

Well, I don't think that's what's happening, I think.

So because...

What do you think is happening?

I re-watched it recently and even the priest's head leaks.

No, I'm asking you.

I'm not talking about Fifth Element game.

I think anyone that talks to the sort of evil entity makes their head bleed.

But I did think for a number of years that it was Zork's hair dye.

Hey, I'm a bally malt.

I love the fifth element.

I'm bally malt.

What?

You've never had malt?

I've had malt.

Then I'm in your belly.

I can cede.

I can see that.

Some of me has become malt poo.

Pooh malt.

And malt piss, probably.

I have as much depth as any mighty bush character.

I like it.

It's very bushy.

You are bushy.

Yeah.

Very bushy.

Maltman.

Might

be so small.

Maltman, I'm Maltman.

Might did.

Is that a bouche thing?

No, I don't know, but I feel like it's in the realm of bush.

Do you want to do a rap?

Melt man.

Not really.

I'm a milkman.

I'm a milkman.

I'll get in your house and I'll eat your beans and I'll live in your fridge.

I'm a milkman.

I'll smell your sush from a mile away.

I'll wet your pig and sniff him out.

Do you know Mighty Boosh?

I'll hide in your cupboards and steal your cat.

A melt man.

You've got a hat.

You've got a hat, yeah.

That's funny.

Belly Malt hasn't seen Boosh, but still appreciates it.

Yeah.

I love, um, I've, I mostly know malt things.

Such as.

Uh, that um, there's malt in everyone's belly.

Well, unless they haven't had malt.

You'd be surprised.

everyone's had malt the generational malt

I've discovered oil wells in over 15 counties

whatever just what the characters just whatever it's whatever you can think of

something about

whatever you want

Meltman someone writing this all down

I think the boiled sausage and the wet pig it's the core of what Meltman is.

As soon as you said that, I thought, gee, whiz, we've got two really good characters.

One of them's a real kooky fella.

His name's Meltman.

The other one's Ballymolt.

And his music has really put it into an interesting art space for me.

I'm a referee for LARPing ceremonies.

Whatever you want.

Well, if you were,

you guys are only here today.

If you could impart one bit of knowledge from your lives that you could, for our audience, they can take away today what would it be?

Oh, okay.

Um

you know

if you have malt it will be in your belly.

Okay, great.

I don't think enough people boil sausages as a healthy alternative to eating quite a fatty meat.

Yeah, air fryer as well.

Do you know, can you smell an air fried sausage?

God, no.

Well, man, what are your thoughts on curried sausages?

Curried?

Curried sausages, so it's like sausages with a bit of Kings, curry powder, sometimes even like...

In the sack?

No, it's like a curry with sausages.

You ever had that?

I don't think I've thought of curried sausages for over a millennia.

Oh, it didn't exist two thousand years ago.

No.

Broden.

I'm tired.

Yeah, Meltman and my

belly malt gotta go away now.

Thank you, and it's been lovely having you.

Anything you want to plug?

Man, can you give me a lift to Melt City?

I can.

Thanks, man.

You can crawl into the crevices of my pits.

Yeah, I could go in your belly.

You could.

I'm belly malt.

You eat me up.

Let's travel to Arrakis.

See ya, see ya, Broden.

I'm in his belly.

Where spice is.

Spice is

plentiful.

And Dune.

Mark, I'll know that we did this when Dune 2 came out.

But Dune 1, it talks about it in Dune 1 and the novel was, I think, written in like 87.

Plus the 70s.

No, it would have been much earlier.

And there they go.

Because George Lucas.

There they go.

And it's just me, Broden.

And me, Zach.

And me, Meltman.

I couldn't find the exit.

Sitting here.

Me, Belly Malt.

Sitting here with our thoughts.

All the five of us here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wait, no.

No, Mark.

So there's me, Zach,

Mark, Broden, Zach.

Hi.

Maltman, Belly Malt.

Meltman.

What did I say?

Maltman.

Maltman.

It's hard.

Their names are so good.

I know I'm struggling.

But there's five of us.

Just sitting here with our thoughts, awaiting the great end.

I do wonder what awaits us

on the other side.

I know, I know.

I've been there.

Oh, it's a belly.

Oh, it's a belly.

Well, as we all await to go to the big belly

that is ready to consume us all like malt,

think of your loved ones.

Cherish them.

Cherish moments.

Cherish moments.

I suppose my question and my response to that is, you know, people get so stressed and they think about all these things, but ultimately, I mean, we're just bally mole.

Well, you are?

Yeah, so that's

sorry that that's not relevant to you, but to me, that's a relevant point.

And there it is.

Just shoot me.

Yeah.

That was the just shoot me on 10 peach podcasts.

Yeah, that was a good one.

If you've

judged us

based on the content of this episode,

judge not lest you be judged.

Remember the Ten Commandments.

So, if you've judged us based on this episode, don't covet your neighbor's wife.

And if you've judged us because of this episode, I am the Lord your God.

What worship no other lords before me?

Um, okay.

I think we're hunting for an end here.

Yeah, we are.

You know, we're kind of grabbing, and sometimes sometimes podcasts just end.

Why don't I just do a formal ending?

What do you mean?

Well, because I thought we could end it there, where I said, sometimes podcasts just end, but I don't think that's right.

Oh, no, no, this is going to go for 40 minutes.

Well, it's been a great episode.

Thank you for coming in.

Maltz Man.

Thank you.

Malt Man.

Malt Mal.

Malt Man.

Bally Malt.

Bally Malt.

Maltman.

Melt Man.

It's not what the thing is.

Melt Man.

Melt Man, Bally Malt.

Belly Malt, thank you so much for coming in.

Absolute pleasure.

Anything you want to plug?

I've got the Malt Podcast where I talk to other...

I talk to Bally Malt.

Okay, and Meltman, anything?

Just a reminder to hose down your hogs.

Keep them dry if you don't want Meltman to get them.

That's true.

Keep your hogs dry or Meltman or get them.

Don't listen to him.

Don't listen to him.

You can keep your belly malt.

You can listen to belly malt on the belly malt podcast.

Sorry, but we've just found the best layer of Meltman.

Keep your hogs dry.

He's an old

American puritanical folklore

in New England.

And you have to keep your hogs dry or Meltman will take them.

Or I'll come into your cupboards and steal your plates.

Oh my god.

That's the best A24 horror I've ever heard in my life.

Keep your hogs dry.

You gotta keep your hogs dry.

Belly Malt Podcast, check that out.

It's on Podbean.

And you can...

It's the hogs.

It's the hogs.

They're wet.

That's what's bringing him here.

Get it down!

You did not sufficiently dry the hogs!

And now you have brought pain upon your family.

What the fuck?

What the fuck fuck have you done to your pigs?

I was cleaning them.

I was just cleaning them.

They're sopping wet.

Trying to do it.

You know not what you've done.

It's set now.

It's like

1600s.

Well,

the first 10 minutes is set in the 1600s and the rest is set now because Meltman is back.

Because people keep their people keep their pigs too wet now.

We'll see you next week.

It's a metaphor for grief.

We'll see you next week and have a better tomorrow.

You've been listening to the Auntie Donner podcast.

Thanks for joining us for another rip episode brought to you by Auntie DonnerClub.com.

See you next week.

Listener.