44. Reversing The Fear Of Being Seen

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Hi friends, this episode is going to be the most honest one I've done ever, I think.

I just hit 10 million followers on TikTok.

And to be honest, I was terrified to hit it.

Absolutely terrified.

And it kind of relates to like the fear of being seen.

I don't know where to start with what's been happening the past two weeks, like mentally.

Everything makes sense.

I really want to share it because I feel like it will help a lot of you but to say like me i have an issue with being seen like a fear of being seen that's like a big thing everybody talk about all the time i got it too

and

with hitting 10 million followers on tick tock it made it real where

i'm special in a way like I've always felt since I'm a little kid, like there's something special in me and about me.

And I've always been the exception with everything.

and it was always a negative thing always the exception always the one that teachers use to make an example out of i was always the one where i don't care what it was if everybody had to do a certain thing and i followed the exact directions it wouldn't work for me and that relates to everything in my life from trying to be on social media from trying to just have a normal relationship to trying to work make money be a nurse like i did it but like it got destroyed.

destroyed Every single thing in my life I've tried to do, it doesn't work.

And it's made me feel like such the exception in like a negative way for so long.

But then, getting on social media and the way that things have kind of gone, I kind of see that I'm special.

And when my following hit 10 million, I was so scared to look at it because it was the first time my life reflected what I felt in myself before I was ready to face it.

And with accepting, okay, you do have this level of fame and people see you and love you.

I had to accept that I am lovable and I am seen

because I haven't felt seen in my life.

And the people who were meant to have seen me by now should have.

Like I've been with the best management, the best agencies, the best everything.

And my own parents at times, I didn't feel seen.

My own family, like best friends, friends my whole life.

It's like anybody in my life who should have been able to see me hasn't been able to.

And my way of kind of like feeling better about it was questioning my value and questioning, like, am I special?

Am I not?

Like the power that I feel inside myself, though, like the life force, the value, this little piece of special that I feel.

I was caught between

questioning it and just seeing that certain people can't see me.

Hitting 10 million was weird because I had to face that, okay, certain people just haven't seen me at all.

And I started to fixate on my body.

And this is where body image and self-esteem with constantly trying to grip to something i noticed it with my body big time

i didn't realize how i look

this is so weird to say because i i've always felt like i'm not that attractive

and it doesn't matter how good other people say i look i couldn't see myself That's the thing with being seen.

I was so scared to see myself and see the value that I felt truly because I had to face the grief of it.

Like people just can't see it.

And that's more scary than

finding something wrong with me.

So I would always look at my body and be like, I'm not muscular enough.

I'm not lean enough.

My face, I need to get filler.

I need to this.

I need to change that.

Like whenever my life gets overwhelming, this is what happened a couple of weeks ago is I noticed I started to fixate on my body.

And I was like, I need to get in the gym really hard.

I need to lose these fucking love handles.

I have like a weird build with my stomach, like my hip bones are just wide.

So, if there's any ounce of fat on top of them, I look bigger and wider in the middle.

And

I was like, I've always, my whole life, I've been fixated on my goddamn love handles.

Like, no matter how much I work out, no matter how hard I train, it's like the love handle thing.

I always just like nitpick that one part of my body, and I don't feel comfortable until that's done.

And with my body, I've noticed it's always not yet.

I can't feel confident.

I can't feel good yet, fully.

But when I started nitpicking my body a couple days ago, the last couple of weeks, it's like I noticed it.

I was nitpicking my body.

I was like, I need to get rid of these fucking love handles.

And I was like, for what?

Like, what am I supposed to gain once I feel like I look right?

Because the goalpost always moves.

It's like changing my body, fixing it, fixing it, fixing it.

Something else I got a problem with, like my teeth.

Like, what is it?

What's the thing?

Like, why am I constantly at my body like this?

When my life is uncontrollable, like when things are unpredictable, or like life is going weird, a lot of eating disorders, and a lot of people with body image issues, it's your one sense of control.

Because in my life, everything's kind of up in the air, and I'm kind of getting used to it.

But the one thing you can control is your body.

But my body was my ticket to like finally feeling like I had the permission with myself to act in line with the value that I feel, which is being even more fucking cutthroat than I already am and acting in line with my value 100%.

I always held myself back, like I can't act like this yet because your stomach looks like that.

Finding anything about me where you can discredit me,

that's.

I can't let you have that.

Growing up, if there was anything someone could mention about my body or mention about me to degrade me, to discredit me, to take away my value or to say, this is why you don't deserve to feel valuable.

This is why you can't honor yourself.

This is why you need to tolerate my disrespect and my fucking bullshit is because of this, this, that about you.

It's the way you walk.

It's the way you talk.

It's you're not muscular.

You're fat.

Now you're too skinny.

Now you need to put on muscle.

Now you need more muscle in certain areas.

Now you need to lose the love handles well you shaved your whole body but like you didn't shave your face it was like no matter how much effort i put into myself or who i am and how i was as a person if one thing was off all of me was discredited and wiped out so it's like that's a hard pill to swallow and the way that i adapted to it and kind of dealt with it growing up was Any single thing that anyone could use to discredit me, I already made a mental note of it and I was already working on it.

It became my defense and my protection against people of

you might comment, oh,

you're overweight.

I'm already working on losing it.

I'm already fucking aware.

Like, what are you sitting over here mentioning for?

I know.

That was my protection.

You're not muscular enough.

I know.

Why you think I'm in the gym seven days a fucking week?

I'm aware.

I'm working on it.

Working on myself became my protection to any kind of criticism.

Trying to improve myself and having a mental note of any single thing someone could have to say or critique me or discredit me with, I already had a mental note of it.

Well, you swear too much.

I already am aware of it.

It's like any criticism that somebody had, I was already on top of it.

And it made me feel safer where I was like, okay,

I'll be seen when all of this is done.

And I got trapped in this whole

till up until a couple of weeks ago, Like, I'll be good enough when blank.

I'll be seen when I blank.

When there's nothing left to discredit about me, then people will finally see me.

But then it fully turned on me.

Like it turned in the past where it's like people would criticize the way that I look.

And then I would try and look better so you would like me or look better so you didn't say that you were embarrassed to be around me.

And then they would say, all you cared about is the way you look.

That's not the point.

Like I've loved people and exhausted myself with loving people.

I don't make people feel uncomfortable for things.

I don't let anyone have to maintain me.

I don't inconvenience anyone with maintaining myself.

If I'm going to show up and be there for you, I'm going to do everything I have to do for myself on the side alone.

I'm going to go to the gym.

I'm going to eat the way I do.

I'm going to cook before you get there.

I'm going to make sure I look good, get my skincare, did my shit, got my jewelry.

I'm going to make sure I'm put together and look good.

And then I'm going to be there.

And like, that's on my time.

I don't inconvenience nobody with maintaining myself.

Everybody says high maintenance.

I maintain myself and high maintenance, high reward.

So what the fuck are we talking about?

Why are you crying over here?

You're high maintenance.

Are you maintaining me?

No.

I don't ask nobody for nothing.

And then I get criticized.

Oh, all you care about is this.

No, because I've showed up for you a hundred fucking times over and done more for you than you've ever done for me.

So how are you going to say all I care about is my fucking fucking appearance?

I've obviously loved you until I'm exhausted.

I don't know what I'm speaking from right now, but I'm getting heated because it's like I'm speaking for some kind of like part of me that never got to talk.

It's like I've exhausted myself trying to love people and still be seen.

And it's like trying to do that dance of I'm more than just

what people assume.

And nobody's had the depth or the ability to see me truthfully underneath everything about who I am.

You know my heart.

Everybody who listens to my podcast, you guys see me.

And I'm so appreciative for it.

Because like, yeah, I'm a douchebag.

Yeah, I look like I'm, I dress like I do.

I care about the way that I look duh.

But you know, at the end of the day, I'm, I prioritize people and I care about human beings more than anything.

Like, I don't care about the superficial bullshit.

And like with followers and having a following, I'm not performative for followers.

You never see me doing the typical fucking tactics other people do, trying desperately to get followers.

I don't give a shit.

And it's weird that it's made me gain more because I'm just genuine about it.

You're never going to see me like desperate for attention, trying to like clickbait and like make clips and like be desperate like these other people are.

I've not changed

with who I am and how my heart is from when I had five followers to now 10 million just on TikTok.

I got like 4.6 million on Instagram and I'm almost at a million on YouTube.

I can't wait for the gold plaque, but I've not changed who I am at the core.

Like my heart and how much I love people, care about people, my priorities, my values, my morals haven't fucking changed.

With no matter how much money I've gotten, no matter how much fame I've gotten.

And I'm,

I feel like people see it finally.

But people have so much in my life, like in the past, made it like I'm the problem.

And

like they, they don't see me.

I'm like, I don't know what the fuck else to tell you.

I don't know what else to show you.

Just go away then.

I'm not going to be here for you to project on no more, if that makes sense.

I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about right now.

I'm just kind of talking, like letting it come out.

But people don't see me and they haven't seen me.

And the grief I've had to kind of face the past like week since I've been realizing all this is like it ain't my body.

It was my protection from having to face the grief of people just don't see me.

They don't have the ability to see me.

They can't fathom somebody with this much duality and somebody who truly is this rare.

Like I'm a very special and rare person.

And it makes me a little uncomfortable to say it, but like.

I'm not fucking denying it no more.

And another reason I was so anxious to hit the 10 million on TikTok was like, it becomes undeniable.

I don't know what it was in my brain, but like 10 fucking million, that becomes like, okay, it's now a widespread thing.

Like it is recognized.

People are going to see me as special finally.

I don't know what it was in my head.

People already saw me as special, but I was so scared of like, now it's undeniable.

I was like, do I delete my fucking TikTok account?

I don't know.

There's just something about seeing 10 million where it's like, it made it real in my mind, where like people can see, and I felt validated in the value that I feel in myself because like all the people who I don't fucking like all the people who talk shit about me who have tried to cancel me they ain't they ain't over 10 million so it's like I've surpassed everybody who tried to bring me down and the fact that I'm special and I'm like letting my soul guide me and lead me is what's taken me to that place where it's like finally being recognized and like I'm being seen But it's a different thing when it's the people in your life.

But the other thing with the body image thing, I don't look at other people and I don't judge their bodies like I judge mine.

It's a weird thing.

Like people assume that I, that's one other big misconception.

People think that I judge them for how they look.

Some people, yeah, if you disheveled and don't take care of yourself, you got bad hygiene.

I don't fucking like that.

But like people being overweight, underweight, muscular, skinny, I don't look at people and judge them on their body how I do mine.

Like I'm very critical of my own body, but I have a weird, like, I'm able to accept other people for their body.

And I'm like, yeah, you're fine.

Like I see you for who you are past your body, but it's like for so long, people haven't been able to see me past mine or see me

because of mine is what I made it in my head.

I don't know.

I don't know how to explain like what it is, but like.

I was able to approve everybody else's body and not like freak out, but I've not been able to approve of mine.

But after asking myself, like, what the fuck am I trying to achieve?

What do I think I'm finally going to get once I have the body that I want?

Like, once I can fix every single thing about myself that I'm concerned about and worried about, once I have that ideal body for myself, what do I think I'm going to get?

And it was the freedom to

be rejected or for someone to not treat me, right?

And for me to walk off

with zero question of myself.

It was like, okay, you just don't see me.

Not walk away overthinking or doubting or downplaying myself or like wondering, oh, it's like because of something I said is because of the way that I look.

It's because of my fucking love handles.

My body became like a cushion for

any kind of rejection or bad treatment where I'm like.

a weird justification where it was like my punching bag where it was like i don't want to say it was my punching bag because I didn't like beat the fuck out of myself but

like not in the literal sense

but like critiquing myself and having something that I saw as wrong with me or like not good enough made

me feel better it's like a weird safety that now is no longer a safety like if you take the example of like going up and walking up to a guy and hitting on him If I'm truly interested in somebody, I will go do it.

But if I had the full body that I wanted, I know I could go up to a guy, hit on him.

And if he isn't interested for whatever reason, I can walk away without second guessing myself at all.

I'm not going to sit here and be like, oh, it's because of my love handles.

Oh, it's because of this.

No, the body's perfect.

So,

no,

maybe he just is with somebody.

Maybe he's just not interested.

Maybe he's straight.

Who knows what the scenario is?

But I wouldn't automatically feel like something was wrong with me or try to figure out what was wrong with me.

Like there is something.

It's like, I wouldn't be the thing on the chopping block every single time I didn't get an experience that I wanted or have something go how I wanted.

It was like a weird thing I'm realizing

with like your brain will fill in silence why you're never enough for people.

And when I was younger, my body became the thing.

But now it's not like, I don't find comfort in that anymore.

It's just exhaustion now.

Like I'm exhausted with it.

Okay, like,

fixate on my diet.

Am I this?

Am I that?

Okay, for what?

For the perfect body.

Okay, so how do you want to act?

What do you feel like you're going to get?

Just act like that now.

Because genuinely, I had to check myself.

Why do I feel like I can't?

And I feel like I haven't earned the ability.

To fully step into myself and my power and demand life be how I deserve it to be.

It's because I've been stuck and feeling like I have to wait almost there, not yet.

I know how to prove it.

I know how to earn it.

I know how to do all that shit.

I've earned it.

I'm 27.

I look how I look.

I have the following that I have with integrity.

I have the money that I have with integrity.

I ain't fucked over a single person.

And I could sit here and boldface say it to you.

Every single person who talks bad about me online who knew me personally, they might talk shit.

Oh, he's this.

He's that.

He was rude.

He was whatever.

I was never fucking rude, unwarranted.

If you got a certain side of me, you earned it.

Not one of them can say that I fucked them over.

And if they could, they would have already.

But if somebody who is going to try and lie on me and say Leo fucked me over, who I knew personally, I would flip and come up receipts about how they fucked me over.

And that's why they don't speak because they know.

And that's a weird thing of like,

I'm being forced to see myself truly now.

It's like my life is forcing me, and I keep hearing it in the back of my head.

Like

my next level of like what I'm trying to do and get to, it's like, it's already here.

All you have to do is see yourself.

And it's like, it keeps in my head.

Wake up.

Look at yourself.

Like, see yourself now.

There's no more proving.

There's no more nothing.

Look around your fucking life and look at yourself.

I've done it.

Like everything I've set out to do, I've I've achieved it times 10.

And I still felt like I couldn't,

like I didn't deserve it yet or I didn't have permission to yet.

For what?

Nothing really is going to change about my life and how I treat people.

I'm always going to treat people kind.

But it's like

certain expectations I have for the people in my life and what I expect from you to be close to me.

I don't give a fuck no more.

Like I have to see that I'm rare and wake up to it.

Because another thing that made me like start noticing this was like my normal life started to irritate the fuck out of me.

Like going certain places, doing certain things, any little inconvenience, it was infuriating me more and more and more and more.

The anger was like hitting like a pain point in me where like certain things that would happen, certain people, certain interactions, certain places I was going.

It was pinging a pain of, you don't belong here anymore.

I don't belong here anymore is what I kept feeling.

But it was underneath the anger.

Like I just kept getting fucking irritated with everything.

But the message that was getting hit was, you don't belong here no more.

And it's like everywhere I was trying to go and things I was trying to do is like I've been living like I'm normal and I'm not normal at all.

Like going out and doing shit, I still live like I'm a normal person and my life is not allowing me anymore.

Like when I go places, I get recognized to a degree where there's been a couple of like pileups of people in certain stores when I go to the mall like 30 people and like employees of stores have said you need to walk around with security this is insane like you can't be causing like havoc like this with people in the mall and I'm like my fucking bad I didn't realize people were gonna do this like y'all come up to me and say hi I'm like hi I'm very kind sweet like I'm nice I love to meet you guys and then we take a photo and then somebody else will see we're taking a photo i'm six foot seven i'm fucking big we draw a scene And sometimes people will scream.

Oh my God.

And it like draws attention.

Then more people come.

And it's like more people just keep coming up to me and to take a photo.

And I love it.

But

the employees like getting mad at me.

Like, I don't, I didn't fucking try to do this.

I didn't realize.

It's like, I haven't been able to see that I'm famous.

And my life is forcing me to see it.

Like I can't stay blind to it no more.

And I can't like downplay myself anymore my life is not allowing for it and it's like so much little irritation and like little things

there's also so many companies and people

and people coming out of the woodwork everybody pretending to do me a favor when really i see the situation for what it is everybody's trying to leech off me mooch off me

in ways people can't see.

Other people can't see it, but I see it clearly.

Like my sister sees it my mom sees it you guys see it in certain aspects but like normal people don't have the eye to see it like they don't understand it they can't read through people's motives and intentions and they can't see it and people act like i'm stupid and try and present me an opportunity air quote opportunity and it's nothing but just benefiting them i'm like and what the am i supposed to get out of that truly Like genuinely, why are you coming to me?

Like you're not going to benefit tenfold and you're just going to use me.

Not happening.

I appreciate that I have that now because I've learned through getting taken advantage of by so many fucking people, especially in LA.

I learned, like, I have that ability now.

And it makes sense to kind of like why I went through what I went through to get here.

It was like preparing me for this level.

But the whole point is, my normal life,

day-to-day life, was starting to infuriate me because I don't belong in a normal life no more.

I don't belong

at all.

And it sucks because it's painful of like, well, where the fuck am I supposed to go?

I don't know.

What do I do different?

Like, I know what to do.

Like, certain places I have to start going and like going to the gym.

I can't get a workout in anymore.

And I'm not mad about it, but I'm starting to be like, okay, I'm going to have to change where I go.

Cause like when I'm working out at different gyms I go to, I have three different gym memberships.

I like to work out really hard and people come up to me like between 10 to 20 different times during a workout and come up ask for a picture.

Of course, I'm going to stop and say, yes, we could take a picture.

We key for a second, we hang out.

Some people don't know how to like be courteous and walk off.

So I'm standing there talking for like three, four minutes.

And then that's like, I have to cut it.

And I feel like an asshole like cutting it.

But like, that's another thing.

I can't keep being.

scared to step into looking out for myself, even if it seems a little rude.

I'm not rude, but like three, four minutes with 20 different people, that's an extra hour almost in my workout of like just interactions.

And it's like, I have to see, okay, my life can't keep being run like this.

When I go run errands, I factor in an extra hour.

Like if I'm going to appointments, I'm going to the store, if I'm doing something, I have to factor in extra 30 minutes to an hour, especially if I got somewhere to be at a certain time, because I do get stopped everywhere at the gas station.

I'm pumping gas.

People come up and ask for a photo.

Okay, guys, take a picture.

It's like, I've been going with the flow of it, but now it's at a point where I'm like, all right, you got to stop

playing the humble card and

using the excuse of like, these are the reasons why you need to still be humble and blind to your value

so you can still be seen.

Because like a big thing with me is like being discredited when I stand up for myself or look out for myself.

If I don't do something the way other people want it, it's immediately you're an asshole, you're rude, you're this, you're that.

It's like I'm discredited.

Everything across the board is discredited, especially when people like to talk shit about me online.

You see one thing I said you didn't like and you wipe me out as an entire person.

Leon Skeppy is a piece of shit.

I want to bash your fucking head in.

From little me to me now, every stage of my life version of me, every age of me wants to slit your fucking throat.

Because that's like one of the most upsetting things for me.

Is I say or do one little thing you don't like fuck off and die then that's how much I care about you at this point because I've exhausted myself trying

for so long I don't do it no more I don't cater to nobody no more and I have to see a certain thing in myself of like yeah I'm gonna honor that you ain't worth dimming shit about myself for oh because you got upset because I didn't do one little thing

it means you didn't see me my heart is at the base of every single thing that I do.

My character, my integrity, my morals don't bend.

And people see a situation where I don't handle something exactly how they want me to, and they get upset and want to discredit me entirely as a person.

I'm never operating out of line with my heart.

If I act in a way you didn't expect or you didn't see as right, it's because I see something you fucking don't.

I'm dealing with something you don't see.

I'm in my own brain.

I'm always thinking of everybody else.

Everybody's taken into consideration, but at certain times, I have to make decisions that other people just cannot see.

And that's a big fear of being seen.

Because, like, if I can't sit here and try and explain every single thing I fucking do to you to make sure you see and get it.

A normal person is not going to see what I see with who I am and how I am and what I have accessed and what I have achieved.

We see things totally different.

And a lot of people think that I don't care about them or I made a decision that was wrong or bad or like, see, there was a slip in your character.

You're really a piece of shit at the core.

No, you dumb fucking numb skull.

I'm dealing with more and I see more than you can fathom.

Just know I always care about you.

I'm always looking out for you.

That's like what I want to say, you know?

Because like certain friends have said that shit and like certain people have said these things and I'm like,

once I explain it, they're like, oh, that makes sense.

Sorry.

No, not sorry.

Cause you already tried to discredit me as a fucking person.

I don't care about the sorry no more.

It's the most isolating fucking feeling to be a rare person.

It is very isolating.

It's infuriating.

And it's like, I just got to deal with it.

Like, I have to just accept, okay, you're not going to see what I see.

And if you can't see me, I can't keep fighting to help you see me.

It is what it is.

Like in the past few months, I've stopped trying to fight to be seen.

It's like, if you don't like what I said, okay.

If you want to write me off entirely as a person, okay.

I don't got time to deal with you.

There's plenty of other people who see me that I'm going to focus on.

If you're going to get crying, throw a tantrum, okay, I'm not mad at you.

Go ahead.

I see that you only see a little portion.

Okay, I understand why you're upset, but I don't got the time to explain it to you.

If you want to see me as a piece of shit, you're going to see me that way.

So have fun.

C'est la vie.

I don't don't know, dude.

Like, I don't know how else to explain it.

It's like, if I would have sold out, I would have done it already.

I'm never selling out.

I'm never bending.

I'm never nothing.

Like, everything I've been through so far has been nothing but like a proof and a testament.

But it's very triggering when people try and come at my character and attack me because I've got the lived experience and the pain that I've gone through.

to have my integrity and my character and you're not just gonna loop oh

you're not just gonna loop me to fuck in with other people.

I'm not normal.

And people see that I'm getting followers.

And that's a big fear of mine.

I'm realizing right here in this moment is to be looped in as just like everybody else.

I've never been and I'm never gonna.

And I can never be like other people.

There is nobody on social media who's gotten to the level of followers that I have that has moved how I've moved and has done it how I've done it.

I don't gotta sit here and scream to be seen no more.

so i'm gonna sit back and just let that be if you don't see it you don't see it because there's 10 million people who do see it oh i feel like i can relax into it now wow that was nice thanks for realizing that with me

i think the biggest thing with all of this is

having to face that i've truly not been seen by so many people close to me Like I said before, anybody who should have seen me would have by now.

And if they would have seen me, they would have treated me a lot better.

They would have treated me different.

Like, so I just have to accept I was never seen.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Who I am wasn't bad.

That's hard to grapple with and that's hard to understand.

But like, thank you guys for being the proof where I can believe it.

Like, there's so much.

of the opposite.

Like you guys are the actual reflection of like, we see you.

there's this many fucking people who see you

all the other people they don't because the way you guys treat me when you meet me when you were on tour with me like the way you guys treated me you saw me and like the people who have been in my life

didn't

because they would have treated me better and that's a lot of grief to fucking process at once that's a lot to take on that's a lot to handle because it's not just friends it's business it's every person i've I've come into fucking contact with for the past two

years.

Those are the people that should have seen me.

But they didn't.

And even in my life before that,

nobody fucking saw me.

But if people did see me, it was, oh, it's a threat.

Like I was perceived as a threat.

And I was treated

as a threat by certain people.

Because they saw something in me that was like a little rare, a little special, a little whatever.

Really, it's about like finally feeling validated to walk in the power that I feel.

I'm not gonna fuck it up.

If I was going to, I would have already.

It's like a weird self-trust thing of like, I don't have to doubt.

But with all this, like kind of realizing all this a few days ago, I saw myself for the first time in a long time.

I think ever, maybe.

Like, I was looking in the mirror and I saw my body.

And I was like, so shocked

at how good I actually look

when I'm no longer subconsciously blinding myself to how I look because I feel like I need to earn improve and deserve

and have a reason why I'm not seen like a protection from being seen that's one weird thing it turned into a protection too like not being seen by people turned into a protection because it's like you never really like could judge me you never really could see me but like how can I make you see me weird but like I started seeing my body and i'm like damn i'm way more muscular than i thought like all these years working out i thought it was just a waste i thought it was just like what am i fucking doing i feel like i'm wasting my time i look great

which is weird like i see myself i'm pretty

i can never be like egotistical Because like my heart leads me.

My soul leads me.

I don't do shit out of ego.

Yeah, here and there.

But I'm never going to be the type to be like, oh, yeah, because I look better than you.

Go away.

Or like treat someone bad because of how they look.

I don't treat people bad because of how they look, how much money they make, what shape they're in.

I've never been like that.

So it's never going to change.

Like, I'm, I feel like I finally have permission to see my own body.

And I'm kind of like, hey, whoa.

Like, I've never felt six foot seven.

That's another thing.

I've always felt like six foot.

Like, I know I've never felt like tall or like big.

And like when I I get up next to people, I see you're like way down there when I'm hugging you.

But it's like, I

feel big, but not that big.

But like now, I see my size, and I'm like, hell yeah, that'd be dugging.

Like, I like how I look.

And I look way better than I ever thought I did.

It's like I woke up.

I don't know how to explain it other than like I took like glasses off who warped my body.

It's like I see myself for the first time.

I'm like,

T bitch, we did good.

oh my god

what else do I need people act ridiculous with way less but remember how I said I bought this left cuff the little bracelet to anchor into the receiving side I had to see all of this and I believe truthfully this all brought this up because I have to see myself

For the value that I've felt and see that it's truly reflected and like see the value in myself to be able to receive.

Like I have to see it to receive it.

If I didn't feel like I deserve certain things, I didn't feel like I was worth certain shit, I wasn't ever going to get it.

Vibrational contradiction.

So now that I'm seeing myself more fully and now that I see,

like I feel safe to see myself, I can feel like a big shift.

Like what I want for my life, yeah, I don't belong here no more.

What I've settled for and what I truly want for my life, I'm going to fucking get it.

Like I'm a manifester like a motherfucker.

Let's use it.

Like, let's stop playing as small.

Let's demand some more for life.

Like, I want my life to be much smoother.

Because the more I get, the more I help.

The more I get, the more I do.

So, like, but a really big part with this, I'm probably going to do next week's podcast about this,

is becoming unavailable to stress.

and becoming unavailable to certain things that you don't want to experience.

Because like with me, finally seeing how i am like i used to stress myself out trying to be available and responsive and make sure people could see me see that i care about them see that i'm still like who i am by trying to like exhaust myself being there for people it's like i get texts all day every day on both of my phones people needing

people wanting shit people i'm just checking in and then they ask for something it's like i've also got business stuff i've got business relationships to maintain.

I've got people hit.

My phone ain't never dry.

I got all my notifications turned off for everything.

I get texts from the people I want texts from, but all my social media notifications, everything's off.

I've had to become unavailable to certain people without guilt.

Like certain people from my past.

And like, if we're not involved in each other's life anymore, I don't have the capacity.

to respond to you out of guilt anymore.

If I get around to thinking of you and texting you, I'll do it.

But like, I used to force myself to be available.

I can't.

But now I feel like I'm valid in that, with how my life is and what I'm doing.

And the special thing that I feel inside myself, honoring that is becoming unavailable to a lot of shit

where I would, like I acted like I was normal.

I'm not normal.

I don't got to be available like that.

And it all comes down to the fear of not being seen, wanting to be available to all these people.

You don't have to be at all.

That's what I've had to learn, and I feel like confident in it.

I feel good about this.

I feel like everything came out that wanted to come out, but I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette and come back because this is like a lot.

I'm speaking from the soul on this one.

I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette.

I'll come back if I have something else to add.

BRB.

Okay, I'm back.

I got my cigarette and I'm having a piece of wine.

Okay, shut up.

There's a lot more I want to add.

Basically,

being too lovable, being too easy to love makes people lose respect for you.

And people aren't going to respect love.

That's too easy to get.

If you're too lovable, you're too easy to love.

People psychologically want to fucking challenge.

It's a weird thing.

And when you need nothing,

When no one has to overcome anything about themselves to be with you and to be there for you, they have no skin in the game.

They have nothing invested.

They're not going to love you.

So this whole dynamic I've been trapped in my whole life is like, I'm better than anyone you've met.

And you do not care about me the way that you care about people who aren't worth jack shit.

I don't want to name drop and get specific because I don't air out like family drama and shit.

Always going to be loyal to my family, but the ones I'm still close with, the ones that haven't betrayed me beyond repair.

But the whole thing of like

being too easy to love, it has the opposite effect.

When people don't have to tolerate nothing or be there for you, they're not gonna.

Like all the times I was like, why does this certain parent in my life or this parent figure care more about this other kid than me?

I was too easy to fucking love.

I didn't need nothing.

I was the easy kid.

Yeah, I'm falling apart, dealing with my own shit, and I can deal with myself and get myself through it, but everybody thinks I'm fine.

And I'm just the easy kid.

You can just leave leave on their own other kids need you to be there and people like to feel of use so it's like a double-edged sword of trying to be too easy to love makes you too easy to fucking forget and if people know that they can just have access to your love and get you even though you need nothing

Why are they gonna they're not gonna read your mind and come and be there for you and Fixate and like try and do everything they can for you you look like you need nothing, but aside from that, it's like the loyalty that I give, people get too fucking comfortable with it.

And my whole life, I've dealt with the whole thing of like people miss me when I'm gone.

I'm a curse to meet, and I've always taken a lot of pride in that.

And it's always made me feel really happy to know that you will never meet another person like me in your life.

You will never meet someone who loves you the way that I do and will be there for you the way that I will.

And I always felt satisfaction when people would fuck around around and lose me and then regret it and try and get me back or try and call and get me to be their friend again or get me to care about them again.

I got off on the fact that I withheld the thing that you finally saw the value in and you're never going to get it again.

That was just my way of adapting to and coping with the loneliness and the unappreciation that I felt was punishing you for not fucking seeing it was when it was in your face.

Like people

have seen me but they haven't learned to appreciate me till i'm gone and they literally like

self-destruct every single person who leaves my life or every single person who

me over their life goes to absolute

afterward i think there's some kind of divine protection going on like girl the god i pray to don't fucking play about me

he fucks everybody up but i think it's also like

once you meet somebody like me and you feel safe like i make you feel safe and like i make you feel loved the way that i do it's like good luck after that i would kill for somebody like me is what i've always said

And people seem to in the past have just discarded me and treated me like I wasn't that special.

It's like a weird thing.

They didn't think they could lose me because I was too

there.

I made them too comfortable.

I don't like when people get comfortable around me because then you mistreat me I like people to be on edge a little bit I don't like people to feel too comfortable with their relationship with me because then they like from past experience it's like you got too comfortable now you fucking around and now I got to cut you off and I'm gonna cut you off because you got disrespectful your comfort made you think that I was gonna tolerate everything no

and the other thing like my other

hesitation with kind of honoring myself now and going forward of like, like, okay, my love is not going to be easily accessed.

You're not going to be able to get my heart.

You're not going to be able to get care from me.

Like I can't be running around just loving everybody and caring about everybody.

My kindness needs to be protected.

I'll always be kind to people, but it's going to come with a boundary.

You don't get to get too close and you don't get to take too fucking much.

I can't be over here giving out love to everybody because then the people who have it ain't going to appreciate it.

If I care about everybody deeply, the people who I truly care about the most don't appreciate it as much.

I can't be accessible to everybody with my heart.

My heart can't access everybody.

That's just the unfortunate truth, the reality of it.

But I feel guilt for not saving everybody because I'm someone who...

I can deal with things most people can't deal with.

I can make decisions.

I can withstand hardship in a way that most people fucking can't.

I can lose people like it's nothing and keep moving.

I can deal with disrespect, cut people off and stick ten toes down on that.

Other people can't.

And I feel like if I'm not there to encourage them and be there in their life and be the symbol of like what unconditional love is,

they're going to fucking destroy themselves.

Like, I can't take responsibility for everybody.

I can't be there for you at the cost of me is like what I'm kind of realizing.

Like, I can't be there for everybody.

You got to fucking have some wherewithal.

You got to like stand up for yourself.

Love that's too easy to get.

And people who are too too lovable are too easy to forget about you too easy to lose respect for nobody's going to appreciate it like i have a lot of needs i need a lot of help with a lot of and if you want to be in my life and get access to the love that i give i'm going to need a lot of in return i'm done acting like i don't need nothing i'm done acting like I'm easy to love by your standards of like not being inconvenienced.

Yeah, it's very fucking inconvenient.

And if you don't derive joy by being there for me, you're not going to be in my life.

I need people who are a support system.

And luckily, I've had it.

Like, anybody who's not in line with this has fallen out.

And everybody who's in line with it has locked in tighter with me.

Like, my sister and my mom, and there's a fucking new guy that I met, the new friend I got.

He's kind of like

getting more and more stabilized.

And it's weird.

Like, people have filtered out and filtered in who are meant to be with this version of me, who ain't apologizing for fucking shit.

So this is a lot.

It's a lot to take in and understand and kind of unravel.

But this is the first time I'm seeing how honoring myself, being loyal to myself makes me more valuable.

I thought it made me more valuable to be so loving freely and caring about everybody and everything.

I thought it made me more valuable.

It detracts from my value to be too accessible, too loving, too everything to everybody and everything.

No.

if i'm not getting shit you're draining me for me to give my love out is draining now and like for me to be more valuable and contribute more value to the world i have to protect myself because if i'm not in the right mindset if i'm drained if i'm tired if i'm taken advantage of if i'm used i can't show up for you guys I can't show up and do what I'm supposed to do.

Be there for the people, make my TikToks and my fucking little videos, make everybody heavy.

Sharing my joy brings other people joy.

I got to protect my joy.

And I've been weirdly thinking back to some friendships recently and like people that I've cut off and distanced myself from certain people and friendships that have faded out and all these things.

And I'm like, it all makes sense now.

I was second guessing certain things, maybe a little bit, and like thinking, oh, I missed this person, but I'm not going to go back.

I don't let myself go back if I'm not going back.

But I was thinking like, oh, maybe I'm like missing a certain person.

Oh, that's kind of sad.

I ain't think about this shit no more.

After this, no,

absolutely not

You were a contrast experience and now I'm ready to go forward.

Oh, I feel good.

I feel much more ready.

I hope all this made sense But yeah merch will be available to pre-order in the next week or two Everything's coming very very quickly.

Oh, I just had to throw that in there.

I've been telling everybody on sub stack.

I showed like all the samples and stuff, but

Yeah, that's all I got for this episode.

I want to tell you about the merch because I know everybody's excited.

I'm very fucking excited.

I think that's it.

I don't feel nothing left my my soul wants to talk about.

I want to go enjoy my wine, go have a cigarette, decompress.

But yeah, I'll leave everything you need for me in the description on my social media, my app, my sub stack.

Everything's going to be down there.

I'm tipsy, girl.

I feel good.

But yeah, I'm going to go enjoy my little buzz, eat some food, and go to bed.

So that's it.

Everybody, be safe.

Take care of yourself.

Love you so bad.

I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.

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