51. Clarity That Instantly Changed My Entire Life... Twice

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Speaker 3 Hi, friends. I'm real giddy.
I'm so excited. I can't find the words to talk about what I want to talk about.
Couple things I want to acknowledge first.

Speaker 3 Last time you saw me, I was going to break my sobriety. Go have fun.
It ain't worth it. Save it.
If you've been sober or been thinking about going sober, go sober.

Speaker 3 And if you're thinking about breaking it, you ain't missing nothing. Trust me.
Now I'm officially 14 days back sober again.

Speaker 3 Oh, I had to restart the clock. I don't like that shit.
I have a little tracker on my phone where every day I check off like things that I didn't do. But that's the first thing.

Speaker 3 I just want to give you a heads up on. I had a decent time with the people that I was with.
Like I had fun with the people I was with. But the whole go out scene, rave scene, not my thing over it.

Speaker 3 I just wanted to send you that message. If you've been considering breaking your sobriety, hold the fuck onto it.
All right. I'm putting a little shoulder into that.
Hold the fuck on to it. Okay.

Speaker 3 For me.

Speaker 3 Or you're going to learn like I did and be a dumbass back in 14 days. Me.

Speaker 3 But I have none of my jewelry on.

Speaker 3 And this is about to be a very, very deep episode. I'm going to...
Tell you how I changed my life every single time.

Speaker 3 It's not fun. It don't feel good.

Speaker 3 It's humiliating.

Speaker 3 But I guess I'll tell you the first time I did this. Me not wearing the jewelry right now and me not wearing anything.
I have my earrings on. I have a little something.

Speaker 3 But this is a deep thing.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 back before I started doing well and being successful, I listened to this thing. I forget what it was.
It was like a lecture of like a teacher or some shit.

Speaker 3 And they were saying basically, according to studies, people from the 1970s 1970s were doing better

Speaker 3 than people are now in the current day, but they felt like they hadn't achieved as much as people today.

Speaker 3 Like people today have an over-inflated sense of how good and great and how wonderful they are for no reason. And it was based on statistics of like.

Speaker 3 People in the 70s, the amount of people who had finished college, got jobs, had homes, owned cars, had all like the traditional accolades and have fallen through like the whole system of like have have kids by a certain age compared to the people today.

Speaker 3 People don't got shit compared to what people used to have, but people now have such a more inflated sense of self-esteem for no reason. And that was a time I got a nice message from my soul.

Speaker 3 It slapped me upside the head. And I kind of saw the whole dynamic of false comfort that we give ourselves to feel like we're doing better than we actually are.

Speaker 3 And in that moment, I was faced with throwing away any coping mechanism and any comfort that I gave myself to make me feel better about myself when I shouldn't.

Speaker 3 Because at the time, I was going through all that shit with my ex and I was living with my dad and I was dealing cards. I was doing what I had to do to survive.
Okay. The reality of my life was shit.

Speaker 3 I hated everything. Like I wasn't having a good time.
I was doing a lot of drugs. I was partying.
I was dealing cards, the things I was doing.

Speaker 3 If you could catch my dream, if you put the pieces together. And I was like 23 and I was living with my dad.

Speaker 3 And everything that I had worked for with my nursing career got blown apart with that piece of shit X that I had, right? We all know the story if you've been here before.

Speaker 3 If you're new, hey, you're in for a ride.

Speaker 3 But I faced the truth of what my life was. Like I'm 23 living at home.
I'm not making money taxably and in like a good way.

Speaker 3 And yeah, I could have sat there and been like, I tried to go with the system and I tried to do it right and it got taken from me. And I did do that.
That's why I was dealing cards, doing my shit.

Speaker 3 Like I found a way to survive and I broke it in that moment because I was like, okay,

Speaker 3 how long am I going to sit here and like feel justified that I tried it the typical route and I tried to set myself up and do things right, even though it didn't work.

Speaker 3 But now I'm back living at home with my dad at 23 and not making enough money to be proud of. You know, I had no sense of stability.

Speaker 3 And then I also was honest with myself about my body and the way that I looked at the time. And I had let myself go and and like not really was going to the gym a lot.

Speaker 3 And I was like, okay, the truth of the matter is I look like shit. I feel like shit.
And I'm not doing shit. Like I'm not working on any actual goals.
I'm partying. I'm drinking.
I'm doing drugs.

Speaker 3 All this and that. So I just got like to the bare bones of my life and saw it.
Like I made myself without any veneer or like false comfort. I saw what it was.

Speaker 3 And one thing that I was using to try and make myself feel better, like a false, the comfort I had was designer shit. Like my life was so bad

Speaker 3 i at least was like okay i look like hell feel like hell don't know what the i'm doing but at least my bag is two grand you know what i mean like it was a false way of like at least i got something to feel a little worth a shit

Speaker 3 so i made myself in that moment stop wearing anything designer because that was a comfort for me i saw it as a comfort i removed every sense of comfort that made me feel like i was doing better than i actually was so i was sat there stuck in the heat and the disappointment of what I actually was and how I was actually living.

Speaker 3 And that is when my life flipped and changed. That's when all of my self-esteem was no longer based on anything I could falsely do to cover it up, which was drugs or clothes.

Speaker 3 I didn't let myself like numb it out no more. I didn't comfort myself anymore.
Like I faced the truth of what I was. A disappointment at the time to myself.

Speaker 3 But I remember back when I made myself stop wearing my designer bags and stuff when I would leave the house, house, I felt so insecure and naked and like worthless that

Speaker 3 it was sad. Because that was the one thing where I was like, at least some people can look at me and see that like, okay, maybe he's worth something.
He's got this thing.

Speaker 3 But I really, it was uncomfortable. It was very, very uncomfortable.
And I made myself go stand in the mirror naked and look at myself and look at my body.

Speaker 4 And I didn't like it.

Speaker 3 And sitting in that discomfort and not trying to run from it is what made me make the changes. I started going to the gym, gym, dieting.
I stopped partying. I stopped drinking.

Speaker 3 I stopped spending stupid money and I stopped dealing cards. I was like, you know what? Let's turn the heat up.
I need to start doing something. I need to flip this.

Speaker 3 Like, I need to feel better than I do now. I need to stop making myself feel like I'm doing better than I actually am.
Right. That's when my life flipped.

Speaker 3 That's when I moved to Houston because I was going around life and my self-esteem was no longer built in, falsified because I couldn't get people to look at me like I was important anymore.

Speaker 3 I didn't let myself wear anything that exuded status or expense. I wore like normal, basic, cheap clothes, and I no longer got like an unfair sense of appreciation and respect from people.

Speaker 3 I made myself go earn it. Okay, if you want to go walk into a room confidently, who are you walking in that room? Go find it.
Go build yourself. That's what I was in, is that whole building phase.

Speaker 3 But the reason I brought that up is because I'm going through it second wind right now. This is hard to explain and put into words, but I've been feeling a lack of value in myself.

Speaker 3 Like I've been feeling like I am on a discovery of my value. Like I don't see it.
And the way people treat me, I don't see my value reflected. And the way that I go about life, it was like

Speaker 3 everything in my life externally

Speaker 3 represents and reflects value, but I didn't feel it. I got the numbers.
I got the fame. I got money.
I got the success. I got a nice ass fucking apartment.
I drive a nice car that I custom built.

Speaker 3 And I used to 80s, my dream car. I'm 27.
I look the way that I do. I'm in good shape.
I look fucking good. I take care of myself.
I had all kinds of jewelry.

Speaker 3 My daily bracelets that I would wear on each wrist added up to $50,000. I would walk around with 50 grand on my wrists.

Speaker 3 at all times and looking out through my own eyes i was like everything around me reflects value but i don't feel it I don't

Speaker 3 at all, really.

Speaker 3 And that was like the truth that I had faith. Sucked.
But I started to see everything as like a veneer. Like everything has been a covering for the insecurity that I've felt.

Speaker 3 And I'm back in that building stage of like, okay, I want to take it all off. And this time it's not like a you have to prove yourself thing.
This time it's like, I want to meet myself.

Speaker 3 So the other night, it was like a week ago when I first took all my bracelets off. I haven't felt my naked wrist in so long.

Speaker 3 And I felt like I was meeting myself again for the first time, which sounds nuts, but that's how it felt. And I took all my jewelry off and I was just like hanging out with myself.

Speaker 3 And I was like, whoa, like I've been spending time with me and I've been loving the fuck out of it. I haven't let myself wear anything designer or fancy.
I'm just like back

Speaker 3 with myself.

Speaker 3 And the first day that I went to leave my house and go to the gym, I didn't take my designer backpack. I didn't wear any of my jewelry, and I didn't wear any designer shoes.

Speaker 3 I went in just like normal clothes, no jewelry, and I went to the gym. Walking out the door, I felt so uncomfortable.
I felt very exposed and

Speaker 3 like naked. Like it was the most uncomfortable feeling, but I was like, Okay, this is the exact thing I need to do.

Speaker 3 Like when I feel discomfort because of something, that's how I know that's something I need to do. Like I make myself do it.

Speaker 3 Like, okay, you're scared without your jewelry, you scared without your fancy shit.

Speaker 3 Okay, that's exactly what you're going to do is leave it the fuck at the house and you're going to go outside and go in public and see who you are when you walk around. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 So the first day was like weird.

Speaker 3 Once the initial like discomfort wore off and I got in the gym, I started my, like my brain fully started changing because none of my confidence was coming from anything that I was wearing or anything that I owned.

Speaker 3 My confidence started in the gym that day. Like I went straight to the gym.
And when I got there, I was looking at myself in the mirror and I was like, hey,

Speaker 3 you look pretty good. After I got a pump, I didn't feel like a little noodle.
I got a pump and I was like, whoa, hey, wait a minute.

Speaker 3 I look good.

Speaker 3 What the fuck?

Speaker 3 And I was the biggest one at the gym at the time. So it was like a confidence that came from something that I earned.
I've earned my body. I've put in the work for it.

Speaker 3 And I felt like it was so useless for so long.

Speaker 3 And that day, it's like my body, I was like, well, I was appreciating my body. I was like, wow, okay.

Speaker 3 You look fucking good.

Speaker 3 I'm proud of you.

Speaker 3 That's something I haven't said to myself a lot, really, ever. And I truly felt it and I meant it.

Speaker 3 And then during my workout, I was looking around at people and it's like my brain just started reminding me of all the things

Speaker 3 that I've done and the things that I've been through.

Speaker 3 My brain wasn't reminding me of all the successes that I've had, the fact that I've been on tour, the fact that my podcast does what it does and it's great and my social media is what it is.

Speaker 3 None of that was making me feel confident.

Speaker 3 What was making me feel confident in like the gym, like during my workout, my brain was flashing back all the memories of all the things that I've been through and how I fucking made it through.

Speaker 3 Like I started to appreciate my own resilience and my own strength in a way that I never have before.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 3 I was like, whoa, okay, wait.

Speaker 3 I'm working with a lot this time.

Speaker 3 Like last time I did this, I wasn't shit. Like I had to rebuild from scratch but like years later

Speaker 3 taking everything off all the veneers and the fake comfort of like all these things are valuable so them being on me and me possessing them shows value like it reflects value

Speaker 3 i didn't need none of it my brain started filling in all the gaps of things about myself that i've

Speaker 3 become and who I am as a person. Like my character, the fact that I've been through what I've been through and my character still is as strong as it fucking is.
Like, it's nuts.

Speaker 3 Like I started to truly appreciate myself. I was like, wow, if all it took was getting rid of some jewelry, fuck, take it.

Speaker 3 This is nice. But my confidence is being rebuilt in a whole different way.
But also, I have an incessant obsession with freedom. I always have.

Speaker 3 I've always been obsessed with the idea of freedom being free, doing whatever I want to do, not being told what the fuck fuck to do by people. I resent that.
I hate it.

Speaker 3 And I realized all the things that I was trying to use to externally feel more valuable and try to make myself appreciate myself, all the external shit I was buying and doing,

Speaker 3 all of it was actually preventing me from feeling free. Because something I've wanted to do since I got to Miami is go drive to the beach one night and just take off running into the water.

Speaker 3 But every time I think about going to do that, I was like, well, I'm going to have to go upstairs and put all my jewelry upstairs and like take it all off.

Speaker 3 And then, well, when I get to the beach, I'm all, I only have designer bags. So like, I'm going to have to leave a designer bag in the sand.
What if someone steals my car key?

Speaker 3 What if the, it's like everything,

Speaker 3 because it was valuable, required so much more thought to it. And it pissed me off.
Once I saw this, I couldn't unsee it.

Speaker 3 And I was like, I'm not free because I've been trying too hard to prove my value to myself and to others in a subconscious way.

Speaker 3 And I was like, the one thing I want to do is go run into the goddamn water, but I have all these things that exhaust me at the thought of even going to do it. I'm not free.

Speaker 3 I can't just go pull my car over on the side of the road and go take off running into the water. And another angle this goes is this apartment that I have in Miami is so goddamn expensive.

Speaker 3 I love to travel and go explore and do random shit. This lease is so expensive.

Speaker 3 I do not want to go travel right now because I look at it like such wasted money.

Speaker 3 Like I'm going to sit here and enjoy it and soak up as much of this fucking view as I can get and enjoy being in this nice bougie fucking place as long as I can. I'm paying for it.

Speaker 3 The thought of going to travel while I live somewhere so expensive, I won't do it. That's not freedom.
So luckily when I moved in this place,

Speaker 3 I did a three-month lease. Well, I did a year lease, but I did an exception where I could terminate after three months.
And my three months ends December 1st. So I already put in my 30 days notice.

Speaker 3 I'm leaving December 1st. And I'm going to go figure out what I'm going to do.
I don't know what it is yet.

Speaker 3 My life is changing every day I wake up, but I know something else is going to show up of like, I know I want to be in South Florida.

Speaker 3 I want to get a place, but like not something so goddamn expensive for no reason is the thing. I don't like being in the city.
I've learned that. I don't like being in Brickle.

Speaker 3 I don't like being in the middle of the fucking chaos. But the whole thing with the like traveling, I can't travel while I'm here because I feel like I'm wasting money.

Speaker 3 It feels so stupid to travel when I live somewhere that's nice. I don't like that.
I like to be able to get up and run and go do whatever the fuck I want to do.

Speaker 3 Go explore new places, go see new things. It's always been my thing.
And I really want to do that.

Speaker 3 So once I saw that about the lease, I was like, okay, because I was wondering, am I going to stay? Am I going to not? I'm going to leave.

Speaker 3 I'm going to go stay somewhere else and find a different spot that's not so goddamn expensive so i get my freedom back you know but the other thing with traveling

Speaker 3 traveling has become such a chore and a drag because all of my is so expensive it takes so much mental thought and effort when i'm traveling and doing things like i can't even explain it all my bags are expensive as traveling with my birkin i love my birkin And that was gifted to me.

Speaker 3 So it's like a sentimental thing. I'm more sentimental than I care about value.

Speaker 3 Like I'll protect the Birken over something else I personally bought that's more expensive just because it's sentimental. Like something I bought, I could rebuy it.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Like I wouldn't want to, but I'm more sentimental. But traveling with the Birken, it's like I know that bag is worth like 40, 50 grand.
And to go, I can't go stay in shitty places with it.

Speaker 3 I have to be in a certain like level, like standard or quality of place where for me to go walk in the lobby, someone ain't trying to rob me. Like, I don't want to have to kill somebody just to

Speaker 3 go stay at a hotel you know what i mean if someone ever tries to rob me you're getting shot but that ain't worth it you know what i mean and even if i don't get robbed you have that thought in the back of your head and every time i would leave a hotel with all my expensive shit in it i would hide it so that when people came and cleaned the room they wouldn't see it or try and take it and then you call them and like oh i didn't see it i don't know i don't know what happened to it I'm not dealing with it.

Speaker 3 I'm not going through it. Like, it's just, it's exhausting the thought of like having to look after such valuable shit.

Speaker 3 Like, I'm, it's starting to infuriate me and like irritate the fuck out of me like how much actual effort it takes and like traveling if something gets damaged or like tsa a little nosy wants to go through my bag and steal stuff it's like i don't trust letting my things out of my possession because i know other people will see them and want to steal them it's just a thought in the back of my head and things that are causing me stress and things that are making me not feel like i'm free i want them the fuck out of my face i don't want to deal with it but that's one more thing with this is like i'm not free to go travel because all of my shit is so expensive.

Speaker 3 And really, all I want to do right now

Speaker 3 is get some cheap luggage,

Speaker 3 get my clothes that are not designer,

Speaker 3 and go run the fuck around with a pair of Timberlands and a pair of cheap sneakers, and just go run around and see what happens. I want the freedom of it.

Speaker 3 I want to go explore and have fun and do things. And going through life

Speaker 3 the past week without having such expensive shit on me, I've felt so free. And that's what I value more.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 3 this is the weirdest dynamic, but it's the best thing I ever did. Last time I did it and this time I did it.
Because I, like I said before, it was like I couldn't see, I couldn't feel value.

Speaker 3 I could see value all around me. I could see value with everything that meant something to other people, whether it's the fame or the money or the expensive shit.

Speaker 3 Things meant a lot to others. And it's like, anyone would look at my life and be like, yes, there's value everywhere.
I didn't care. Like, I didn't feel it.

Speaker 3 And it made me like get pushed to this point. Like, I wanted to remove everything that was giving me a false sense of value.

Speaker 3 Like, I wanted to stop having it be so obviously in my external where I had to go internal with it and find it. And I have.
And it's sinking. Like, my confidence has boosted tenfold.

Speaker 3 And my ability to walk out the house now and still feel confident without any any of my designer stuff on is nice. And I'm not saying I'll never wear my stuff again.

Speaker 3 I have taken special care and consideration every time I've bought stuff that it's always my style and I'm always going to like it.

Speaker 3 So all of my stuff that I have, some stuff I'll sell, but most of it I'm going to keep because I love it. And I'll get back to a point where I want to wear it because I like style.
I like fashion.

Speaker 3 I like dressing my third way. And once I can get myself to a point where I feel the exact same on the inside, whether I have nothing on or whether I throw extra shit on.

Speaker 3 I'm not going to wear it. I don't want to wear it until I feel the same with or without it.
You know, and also I want to go have the experience of go running around and traveling without any of it.

Speaker 3 I want to go take it, put my expensive shit, my jewelry in a lockbox at a bank.

Speaker 3 Take the rest of my stuff, put it in a storage unit, know that it's safe, put a little AC vent, whatever the little storage unit with the AC, great. And go run around

Speaker 3 without any of it. And it's like, this is a weird coping mechanism, a false comfort.
It's like when I quit cocaine, having it in my house was a weird sense of comfort.

Speaker 3 Like I could go without the cocaine. I was going without it, but like the thought of throwing it away, oh, that stressed me out because it was just having it was a comfort thing.

Speaker 3 And I feel the same way with my designer stuff and my expensive stuff. It's like, I really want to go.

Speaker 3 travel somewhere and not have it in my house or in my reachable possession possession where I could have that comfort again. You know, I feel like it's going to like unlock.

Speaker 3 Because once I threw away and like washed all my cocaine down the drain, I didn't need the comfort no more. I didn't want it.
I don't like it. Like I, it was like a flip.

Speaker 3 And like I said, it's going to be different with the clothes and stuff because I'm not going to sell most of it. Like some of it, yeah.
But like I like the shit that I have and I worked hard for it.

Speaker 3 And I did work hard, like one, to get the money to make it, but two, to damn buy it.

Speaker 3 Because finding my size, my style, my shit, things that fit me right and black and gold nobody make black and gold no more every men's bag fucking silver boring ugly

Speaker 3 but i still appreciate my stuff and i like it but the other thing now that i'm not wearing it another like source of confidence that's come is like i have been so diligent with the things that i buy and i've i have a specific taste and style and i honor it And like, I don't have things where I'm like, oh, I wasted all this money on all this crap.

Speaker 3 It's like, no, I still love all my shit because it was sickening.

Speaker 3 But one thing about me with the way that I dress and do things is I try to communicate the way that my brain works through the way that I dress and the things that I wear.

Speaker 3 Where people who think the same as me will be able to appreciate the little details.

Speaker 3 The fact that I put this with this and this with that, and the fact that I'm wearing both at the same time, or I just have a certain thing, it's like only certain people would be able to appreciate the small details of me and the way that I express it.

Speaker 3 So I like that. It's like a silent communicator, like my bracelets and my jewelry.
It was specifically curated a certain way where the longer you looked, the more value you saw.

Speaker 3 And that's one thing that I realize I'm too dependent on is I want people to see more value the longer they look at me.

Speaker 3 The value I now want people to see has nothing to fucking do with the physical, with the external. But I think that'll always be a thing.
Cause like I said,

Speaker 3 it's kind of like my way of silently meeting people like i don't wear what everybody else wears i don't do what everybody else does so it's a silent way of like trying to find my people and find people who recognize it and appreciate the things that i do because i know your brain works a certain way you know but for someone to be able to appreciate the effort i put in

Speaker 3 that lets me know i want to talk to you i want to get to know you more You know, there's like a possible like potential for connection there that could like go better than any normal Joe Schmel.

Speaker 3 I can't get close to anybody

Speaker 3 at all. Connection's a hard thing for me in my position now.

Speaker 3 But one thing that happened today, oh, this has been a bitch because like removing all the false things that are comforts to make me feel better about myself, it's like you see the truth, you see reality for what it is.

Speaker 3 A lot of, a lot of things have been coming up for me. But when my life was based on the everything that it was based on a month ago, I knew what to do.
I knew what to strive for.

Speaker 3 I knew what my like goals were. I didn't really have any goals, but I knew like kind of like what to do and like where I was headed and like what meant something to me.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 3 all my values have changed. Like I value a lot different

Speaker 3 shit now.

Speaker 3 And today I realized I don't know what I want

Speaker 3 goal-wise in my life. Like I don't know what it is I want to work toward or achieve.

Speaker 3 I have no clue. And I started to freak out about it.

Speaker 3 Like, also, I gave the 30 days notice for my lease today. I got 30 days to figure out where I'm going next.

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 3 I also don't know what I want to do and where I want to move to. Because designer shopping and being close to design district doesn't really matter to me anymore.

Speaker 3 I don't care to go shop as much as I was. Like, I was shopping a lot.
I was like constantly looking for for shit, buying shit, like running around, doing this, doing that.

Speaker 3 It's like, I don't care about the designer stuff as much anymore. Sure, I'll buy it here and there when I want it, but not anytime soon.

Speaker 3 And I don't want my decision of where I'm going to live to be based anything to do with that, especially with partying also, because I don't want to party anymore.

Speaker 3 I have no desire to do drugs and drink. I'm slap in the middle of brickle.
I moved here because I was close to all the partying.

Speaker 3 If I need to go party, hang out with my friends, see this, do that, and also be close to shopping.

Speaker 3 This chapter I was in, and when I moved here, I based my decision of where I'm going to move because of what I was interested in and what I valued. I don't value that anymore.
I don't want to do it.

Speaker 3 I'm not hanging out with

Speaker 3 really anybody but myself. Now that I think about it, like I've kind of like isolated myself and been spending time with me because I needed that.

Speaker 3 But yeah, I have no desire for like anything kind of superficial or bullshit or anything that like takes me away from myself. So So like drinking, drugs, partying.

Speaker 3 When I went out two weeks ago, it was kind of like the nail in the coffin before I started having all these realizations. It's like that shit ain't for me no more.
I'm over it. It's not fun.

Speaker 3 And it's like, I feel like shit the next day from over eating.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 I don't know where to base my life around if that makes sense. Like, yeah, I got to be close to a gym.
I love going to gym. I've been back in the gym heavy.

Speaker 3 I love working out and like taking care of myself and meal prepping and cooking. And like, I've been having a a good time, but I have no clue where I want to base my life around next.

Speaker 3 And I was like, I'm going to have to base moving

Speaker 3 around what city I like to be in for the city.

Speaker 3 Or I'm going to need a goal of something I'm working towards so I can orient my life around where could I go that would make that goal easier to achieve and where would it be easier to work toward it.

Speaker 3 I have no fucking clue what I want to do or achieve next.

Speaker 3 I did start writing a book the other day. It started writing itself.
I've always wanted to write a book.

Speaker 3 And I think it will be about this kind of topic because I've been in two transitions of it and it's what's changed my life the most every time. But like a book, you can write anywhere.

Speaker 3 So that doesn't really give me any guidance of like where I want to go plant my ass. You know what I mean? But I started to freak out when I started noticing all this and I started writing.

Speaker 3 I was like trying to shadow work and write goals down and like, what do I want to do? What do I want to dedicate my life to? What are my goals? What the fuck do I want to do? I don't know.

Speaker 3 I have no clue. And I started to freak out.
I started to like panic and I started to get like down, but also like worried and like,

Speaker 3 like I started to feel like I was going

Speaker 3 a little mad.

Speaker 3 But then I realized, way,

Speaker 3 this is freedom.

Speaker 3 What I'm in right now. This is the best fucking place

Speaker 3 someone like me could be in. Like I value freedom more than anything, and I have it.
Like, I am truly free. I have nothing to do that is like I'm forced to do it.

Speaker 3 If I want to make my podcast, I make it. If I want to post online, I do it.
I don't have to honor a contract or answer to a boss or answer to this or answer to that.

Speaker 3 I have no one dicking me around and forcing me to do anything with my time. I have money

Speaker 3 where I don't have to stress for a minute. I'm like, hey.

Speaker 3 And it flipped.

Speaker 3 Like the fact that I couldn't find clarity stressed me the fuck out. Like I was about to lose it a couple hours ago.
I almost chain spoke a secret. I was down at a balcony.

Speaker 3 I was chainspoked running around facing back and forth.

Speaker 3 But now I'm fine. Because I was like, wait, this is the thing

Speaker 3 that I want is freedom. But I've also been so convinced, like,

Speaker 3 I'm not going to be able to get clarity around what I want to do until I figure out where I want to be. I've been moving around all back and forth and back and forth.
I'm like moving around non-stop.

Speaker 3 I'm trying to find stability for myself so I can get clarity. Those two don't coincide.
They're not

Speaker 3 codependent. They don't depend on each other.
They're not prerequisites. Stability is not a prerequisite for clarity.

Speaker 3 Because I also was like, I don't want to buy another house and set myself and like plant roots too far down and then get clarity of where I really want to go, you know?

Speaker 3 So I had to break that in my head. You don't got to have stability to have clarity first.
Like I feel the most stable

Speaker 3 more than ever because I'm back to myself. I have no artificial shit making me feel better or making me feel any different.
Like I am, I'm with how I truly feel.

Speaker 3 Nothing in my environment and nothing around me, nothing I'm wearing or doing changes the way that I feel.

Speaker 3 In regards to an illusion or a false sense of comfort, I am truly like when I comfort myself now or do something comforting, it's intentional and it actually is comforting. I'm not over here like

Speaker 3 in all this designer shit and jewelry. And I'm like, why do I feel like so stressed out? None of it's comforting.
It was causing more stress, which I saw. But yeah,

Speaker 3 I was freaking out a little bit earlier.

Speaker 3 But I really think, like I said, I want to go travel a little bit.

Speaker 3 Just go see what the hell happens. You know?

Speaker 3 I feel like the clarity is waiting for me. Like, I feel like I have to go out and find it.
But like, I'm enjoying the shit out of my last 30 days here. I don't have to do nothing.

Speaker 3 And that doesn't stress me out because I'm never the type to get bored. I always get an idea or an inspiration for something.
I'm self-led and self-motivated.

Speaker 3 I don't got to deal with the whole discipline rigid, bad, bad, bad, bad.

Speaker 3 You have to eat this certain way and go to the gym at this time. I fucking go when I i want to go i always go when i want to and this is night i feel free

Speaker 3 but it's scary as

Speaker 3 because to feel free you can't have stability

Speaker 3 you can't have any stability and feel free at the same time and lana del ray

Speaker 3 in her music video ride

Speaker 3 the monologue oh That's part of the reason I have just ride tattooed on my knuckles. The other reason is from my stepdad because he rode motorcycles.
And

Speaker 3 I was asking him one time, like, how do you deal with being stressed out? Like, how do you deal with like when you feel upset, when you feel sad, when you feel like I was going through a lot.

Speaker 3 I was like 16 when I asked him. I was like, how do you deal with these certain emotions? And he was like, you just ride.
I get on the bike. I just ride.
And I was like, huh?

Speaker 3 He was like, go get in your car and just ride. Go wherever you want to go and just start thinking.

Speaker 3 Put on music if you want.

Speaker 3 Don't put on music but just go ride around and see what happens and that became my thing like anytime i was stressed out or anytime i was feeling anything i would go sit with myself and just start driving somewhere and anytime i get stressed out i just think of that like just ride so it's not go get out of your head it's like go get in your head and go move around it's like a weird like moving your energy around but also

Speaker 3 Seeing things and like changing scenery.

Speaker 3 It's like, especially when I feel stuck, when you can move around and you're watching out your car and you're like seeing shit change and seeing your ability to change where you're at, it's like you do have control over change and movement.

Speaker 3 It's like movement is a big thing energetically for me. So that always makes me feel better.
And I always get new ideas and new things.

Speaker 3 Like whenever you like sit in the house too long, sometimes I got to just start go riding around. Because I'm journaling too much.

Speaker 3 I'm sitting here in a stagnant and it's like nothing new is hitting me in the head. And different locations have different vibrations.
I've always said that.

Speaker 3 Like when you travel places, you'll have certain certain insights, certain places. And when you go drive around and go do shit, you're changing the vibrational frequency that you in.

Speaker 3 So it's going to change the thoughts that you have.

Speaker 3 I don't want to get too spiritual and like woo-woo about it. But

Speaker 3 back to Lana del Rey. I got up on a tangent about my tattoos.

Speaker 3 It's got two meanings for me. And the ride monologue, Alana said, it takes getting everything you've ever wanted.
and then losing it to know what true freedom is. And I never understood that.

Speaker 3 I was like, yeah, it it sounds nice. I like that.
Ooh, real poetic and shit for the past like 10 years. But I've never understood it until this moment because I've gotten everything that I've wanted.

Speaker 3 And now it's not that I'm losing it, but I'm choosing to not live my life based around it. It's like I'm okay if I lose it because I'm not going to change or be impacted.
mentally and emotionally.

Speaker 3 Like financially, yeah, it could be impacted, but like mentally and emotionally, I won't be.

Speaker 3 Like, my self-esteem, my sense of self, my love for myself, the value I feel and see in myself, that will never change. Nothing can change that no matter what I lose.
So

Speaker 3 that's nuts. Like to hear that like lyric and finally like understand what the fuck she meant.
Get everything you ever want and then losing it.

Speaker 3 But I think it's more so like be okay with losing it and realize you need none of it. Realizing that you've needed nothing that you've always wanted

Speaker 3 is different. This hits different.

Speaker 3 But at the same time, like I said before, feeling free, you can't have stability. Because if I had a house, I would feel like I do now.
Leaving is a waste of money.

Speaker 3 And if I leave, it's like, oh, someone, like the thought of someone breaking in my house when I leave. That's not freedom.
What gives me stability typically gives me stress too. And

Speaker 3 that takes away a sense of freedom.

Speaker 3 What I'm realizing true freedom is, is being able to go do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it, and go wherever you want to go with no thought of anything but where you are and what you're doing but when i go do that now i'm going to go do it and feel very free i'm not going to have anything expensive on me be worried about oh what if somebody breaks in the place i'm staying or breaks in my airbnb what if someone breaks in the car that i rent and they steal my shit out of it it's all replaceable very easily i'm not going to feel a sting over like a 40 backpack I'll go buy another one.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? Like, I'm not going to stress. I'm going to have no thought

Speaker 3 of anything but where I am and what I'm doing. But I wouldn't have been able to handle this ever before.

Speaker 3 Like now I can handle it.

Speaker 3 But before any of this, like me, any other stage before I'm at now, to truly feel free, it's so destabilizing and so terrifying. And it takes a certain person to be free.

Speaker 3 Life is a cage and everything that gives you stability is like an anchor. It's like a little like ball and chain on your foot.
You don't realize it's there, but it's like,

Speaker 3 yeah, true freedom is scary as shit.

Speaker 3 But you have to have the mind for it, too.

Speaker 3 So this is going to be fun because the next 30 days, I got to prepare.

Speaker 3 Like today, when I was freaking the fuck out, and then I had to realize, okay, wait, no.

Speaker 3 This is a beautiful spot that I'm in. A beautiful experience that I get to have.

Speaker 3 I get to go be confused, not know what I want to do with my life. Woohoo.
I get to go not know where the fuck I'm going, what I'm doing. And I don't have to worry about anything that I have.

Speaker 3 This is nice.

Speaker 3 Real nice.

Speaker 3 I feel so free. Once I got past that like

Speaker 3 moment of like,

Speaker 3 fuck.

Speaker 3 Now I feel good. I feel free.
I'm excited. Like I'm genuinely like happy.
that I get to go experience this for the next however long. But like the next month I'll be here.

Speaker 3 And then I'm truly going to go run around.

Speaker 3 Worst timing December It's gonna be fucking cold everywhere. I like that.
I Wanted to move to Miami because it's nice weather on Halloween. I was out at the pool getting some sun getting in the pool

Speaker 3 Like that's what I like about the weather here, but I guess I'm gonna have to suck it up and go be in the cold. Yeah,

Speaker 3 I want to go travel some places and see what the hell happens, you know

Speaker 3 That's what I think right now, but I'm leaving it open like I genuinely don't know what the fuck is gonna happen in the next 30 days but i'm okay with it i'm gonna have fun write it out oh my god one thing i forgot to tell you guys about i dropped uh pre-orders for holiday merch the shirts say tits the season not tiz the season tits the season and it says it right across the chest right across the titty i got kicked out of school one time for wearing that so i made it into merch because i'm grown i can do what the fuck i want to do like when i was in high school i went and got a shirt made online like one of them cheap little websites.

Speaker 3 You can make a shirt. I made a shirt that said tits the season because I thought it was funny.
And I wore it to school and it was a big stink, a big problem.

Speaker 3 But now we can wear it and nobody could tell us shit.

Speaker 3 But pre-orders are open for that if you want to go pre-order it. Everything will ship at the end of this month.
It's November now.

Speaker 3 But like the end of November, latest December 1st, things will be shipping out. So you'll have it weeks before Christmas and weeks before New Year.
So yeah.

Speaker 3 I'll put the link in the description for you. But also let me know if you want me to bring back the other merch that I had after I get done with the pre-orders.

Speaker 3 I feel like I'll leave the pre-orders up for like one more week. Right? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Maybe less. So if you want it, get it.
I'll probably leave it up till like Wednesday. If you're watching this on Sunday, it'll be up a few days.

Speaker 3 Whenever I feel like I'm going to close it, I'm going to close it. So get it while you can.

Speaker 3 But yeah, I think that's it. That's all I got to say for this episode.
Leave me a comment. Let me know what you thought.
And if you made it this far,

Speaker 3 comment an airplane emoji or a car. You can do the just ride for the car or you can do the airplane because we're going to go travel and do shit.
Maybe, I guess. I don't know.
But yeah, that's all.

Speaker 3 Okay. Love you so bad.
Everybody, be safe. Take care of yourself.
And I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.

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