42. Guilt Won't Make You Change. So Drop It!

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Hi, friends.

I'm again getting your ass.

This is how to actually make a change.

Everybody knows what we should be doing.

Oh, I need to lose weight.

I need to work out.

I need to start making content.

I need to make a business.

I need to X, Y, Z.

We all know what we should do.

We know things we shouldn't do.

Oh, I need to stop vaping.

I need to stop eating bad.

I need to stop whatever you're trying to stop.

The whole dynamic of like knowing what you got to do and you can't make the connect happen of like, okay, it makes sense.

I logically punish myself, but I can't make myself do it.

Here's the missing piece.

This is not going to be fun.

It is.

It is.

This is about to set you free.

Real bad.

Oh my God, this cracked me in the head the other day.

But I quit vaping a couple days ago.

Not because I forced myself to, just because I got tired of it.

We've all tried the whole angle of trying to guilt ourselves into changing, right?

Yeah, we all know that.

If guilting yourself into making changes worked, you would have made it changes by now.

You would look a lot different.

Your life would look a lot different.

You'd not be doing a lot of things and you'd be doing a lot of things better for you.

It doesn't work.

Guilting yourself doesn't work.

It just creates a mental turmoil and keeps you more stuck.

in a place you don't want to be attached to a substance or a thing or not being able to do something you want to do.

We got to break this down because it just cracked me in the head recently because you can see the split when you know that there's something you're not supposed to do.

Let's use the example with me with vaping, hitting this nicotine vape.

I'm over here.

I was hitting this vape from the moment I woke up in the morning till I went to bed.

And I would smoke a cigarette here and there throughout the day whenever I wanted a cigarette.

But I kept telling myself, Leo, you need to quit vaping.

You need to quit vaping.

We need to put down the vape.

We need to stop.

Did I listen?

No, but it made me feel productive.

It made me feel like I had some kind of grip on this goddamn vape.

It's like a fake sense of accountability and responsibility.

And it's a fake sense of productivity.

Okay, as long as I'm reminding myself I need to stop.

It makes me feel better than if I were to just let the leash off myself and vape as much as I wanted.

Because when you're trying to play the role of the the parent and the child that you're trying to govern, this is what happens in your brain when you're growing up.

It's like your adult in your life is like, they're the one responsible for making sure you stay in check, making sure you're doing what you got to do.

When you don't have a parent around you or like a figure in your life that's going to tell you what to do, you're an adult now.

You try to play both roles.

So you become both voices.

You're the urge of the child who wants to, example, vape.

And then you're the voice voice of the parent who's like no you can't do that that battle going back and forth is inner hell and turmoil inside of you and it will never make you stop something

ever and i'm someone who quit cocaine cold turkey i also have flipped my eating habits immediately got back in the gym real good you could tell i'm big again

finally but i've switched so many things without it being effort i've done the whole thing of like oh it's just discipline.

You just have to force yourself to go to the gym and force yourself to eat right.

It's hell, absolute hell.

I found the way to crack this and make everything that you want to do and change be easier.

And it's by no longer guilting yourself into doing it.

So like I said, I've changed my eating habits and working out habits.

I've done the discipline thing where you force yourself to do it.

It's not fun and it doesn't last.

It's exhausting the entire time.

So with the example with me with the vape, playing this role of the the child who wants to vape, like when I say child, the irresponsible part of you is what I mean when I say the child side.

And then you're the adult side.

That little dynamic of the guilt, the back and forth is annoying.

It's exhausting.

One, two, it's not productive, but you feel like it's productive.

And you feel like by keeping yourself mentally accountable, a change is being made.

Nothing's usually changing and it makes you want to vape even more.

So I got to a point where I was noticing such a fight in my head over this damn vape i was like i need to quit well i don't want well i'm gonna quit it's just a back and forth back and forth nothing's happening you're just like spinning in circles because you're over here playing both roles let it go you're not letting yourself learn by natural real consequences when you're just playing the mental punishment guilt game like trying to shame yourself into something you're not having a consequence it's a fake mental consequence where you feel like you're doing something right.

You're not.

You're still vaping.

You're just beating yourself up for it.

It's not a good time.

So I shit you not the other day.

I'm like, I'm done with this whole fighting back and forth with the vape and quitting it.

If I'm not going to quit, I'm at least going to enjoy it while I'm doing it.

You know what I mean?

Enough of this back and forth mentally.

Okay, I see by now guilting myself into it ain't going to work.

So you know what?

I'm going to vape till my lungs pop.

If I'm too stupid to like stop something I know is bad for me, I'm just gonna huff this motherfucker until I have a consequence that I can't like ignore no more.

But it set me free from that parent dynamic.

I got to be the little kid for a second and just like enjoy the vape.

Enjoy the presence of the vape.

Your desires and things you want to do are not insatiable.

What makes it insatiable is when you're doing this back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

I was a little worried when I was like, okay, you know what?

I'm just going to let myself vape.

If I want to vape, I can hit it as much as I want.

I went and bought four more because I was like, you know what?

Load up.

Have a blast.

You're finally going to be able to vape freely with no guilt, with no nothing.

Here's four extra.

Hit it as much as you want.

I had them all over the house.

And I can't tell you like the freedom.

I felt.

It was so nice.

Oh my God.

It was so enjoyable.

I was vaping, having a good time.

My little banana coconut flavor I love so bad.

I was just vaping and ripping that motherfucker as much as I wanted.

It lasted for two days.

I've been trying to quit, not like trying to quit, but I've been playing this mental game of like, oh, I need to quit the vape for over a year.

And

in two days, it flipped.

And the same thing relates with my cocaine addiction that I had.

I was telling myself, you need to quit, you need to quit, you need to quit.

Until I got to a point with the cocaine, I was like, just do do it.

If you're going to do it, you're clearly not going to quit.

So just do it.

Shut up attacking me, responsible part of the brain.

Go away.

Like, clearly, you're not strong enough to make me quit.

So shut up.

The guilt is not strong enough to make you quit.

So, like, with the vape, I'm like, okay, I'm huffing it for two days.

I'm just going and going and going and going and going.

And then I got to a point, I was like,

Okay, well, now that I did it with no consequence, the mental punishment, I did this thing with no punishment.

I'm kind of over it.

Like, I just didn't want it anymore.

My soul was like, okay, we did it.

We experienced it.

I huffed the fucker guilt-free for two days.

I was prepared to do it as long as I wanted to, but it flipped.

And I know this is kind of risky advice to give, but it's worked for me in so many angles of my life.

With Coke, with the vape, with working out, with...

eating right and get my eating habits in check everything's flipped really quick for me personally.

So I'm comfortable sharing this.

It's the truth of it.

If trying it the other way would have worked, it would have worked for me by now.

The discipline ain't long lasting.

Just letting yourself be a little kid.

Just like do what the hell you want to do.

If you've tried and tried and tried and tried and tried, if you're not going to stop, just do it and enjoy it for a second.

But the whole thing with the vape, I was over it.

Because I let myself just enjoy doing it and I did it with no guilt.

And then it made me aware.

Okay, hitting the the vape all day, every day was a comfort thing.

It was an absolute just a comfort thing where I didn't have to

understand and become aware of what I actually needed and felt.

And it was like a little numbing agent, like a little anxiety thing.

I had something in my hand.

I had something to look after.

It was just like some, it was a big comfort thing.

And by just letting myself get the comfort non-stop without any guilt, I realized

I don't really need that comfort anymore.

I started vaping when I was in a very stressful part of my life, like consistently every single day, all day.

And then I was like, I'm not in that place no more.

Why am I sitting over here hitting this?

Like, I'm actually like, I'm over here sucking on this thing like it's a binky.

Grow up.

I know it's banana coconut tastes nice, but like, come on.

Like, be so fucking for real.

Letting yourself get the comfort that you're after will make you realize what are you actually trying to soothe?

And is this the best way to go for it?

So I put the vape down.

I was like,

okay, I don't need to run no more.

I don't need a numbing agent.

I don't need comfort in this way.

Like, okay, let's slow down for a second.

I threw all my vapes away.

I had 14 in the house.

I had them everywhere.

Every bag in both cars, in my gym bag, in my bed, two by the bed, one in the bathroom, three downstairs.

I had them everywhere because I was just like, I just don't want to be without it.

It was comforting just knowing it was there.

I threw the vapes away a couple of days ago and I didn't have to force myself to throw them away.

That's the other thing.

It wasn't the parental voice that was like, you have to stop doing this.

The responsible voice that's like beating me up with the guilt.

You have to throw them away.

You're damaging your lungs.

I could do cardio more than most people.

I'm not using it to justify it.

That's one more thing that will get you in a twisted situation is when you're overly trying to parent yourself, you'll come up with all kind of fucked up justifications.

But I do cardio, I can do 40 minutes on a stair-stepper.

And most people can't do that who don't smoke.

So that's the justification piece.

It doesn't matter.

The whole thing is, I threw all the vapes away and was like, okay, I'm done with them because I was done with them.

There was no more game that was a dopamine rush with the guilt.

And then, oh, I feel better.

It's like, oh, I can hold off.

It's like the mental turmoil game was over.

What was left was just me doing what I wanted to do.

And I was quickly over it.

And I've had like an urge here and there for a vape, nothing like before when I would make myself quit out of force.

It's not been no craving near that.

Whenever I have a craving now, it's like,

okay, I would like to smoke, but I don't.

And I'll have a cigarette or something if I need one that bad.

But I use it as a moment to like check in of like, okay.

What comfort do I need right now?

What do I need?

It's like a way to come back to yourself, but I don't run back to the vape because i have one i put one in my safe made it a little inconvenient to get to it but i kept one just in case i wanted one i'm a weird person with discipline if i remove something fully i feel like a victim like a like i just can't deal with it being there like when i was addicted to cocaine for a month i had it in my house And just having it there, even though I wasn't using it, was a comfort.

Then I got to a point, I flushed it all down the drain.

But like with the vape thing, I still got one in the safe.

it's there if i want it and it's like a whole this is my approach to how i do things and the same thing goes with eating and going to the gym trying to force yourself oh i know i need to go to the gym what if you just didn't i know you know you need to go we both know we both need to go but if you're not going to go okay so be it

I've done this same approach.

I'll take a day off because I'm like, I just don't want to go.

Okay, so I don't go.

And then the next day I'm like, well, now I want to go.

But when I take a day off, I don't beat myself up.

Oh, you should have waited.

You should have this.

You should have that.

There's no mental turmoil.

of the back and forth.

You don't need that guilt game.

It's fake productive.

It's fake bullshit.

Let yourself learn by actual consequences.

Okay.

You want to look a certain way.

You want to feel a certain way.

You didn't go to the gym, but you didn't beat yourself up for not going.

You got to experience what it felt like to not work out.

Okay.

And the next day I'm like, well, well, now I would like to go.

You're learning by actual consequences, not these mental fake ones that fuck you up for no reason.

Same thing with eating, eating habits.

If you just want to eat like shit and you're trying to get a grip on binging, I haven't binged in almost two years now.

I used to binge all the time, but it was that whole game, the back and forth of the, oh my God, I can't let myself eat this much.

And then it's like, I restrict and then I would binge.

And then there was a guilt.

And then there was like, I have to work out the next day i have to take a diuretic i have to this i have to that it's like i don't want to be bloated it gets to a point where it's like okay instead of forcing yourself to eat a certain way just eat how you've been wanting to with no guilt with no nothing nothing mentally holding you back punishing you none of it just eat like

Eat whatever your little heart desires, you little fucking piglet.

That's what I tell myself.

And then I would wake up in the morning and I would feel disgusting, tired, bloated, big old belly i was just so uncomfortable and i realized not because of what i was thinking not because of what i was telling myself just paying attention to my body i feel like shit i don't like how i feel because how i ate last night The eating habits will change on their own.

When you learn by actual consequences and you stop with the fake parent upstairs in your fucking head, the changes are easy to make because there's no guilt and shame and punishment around things.

You just learn like a normal human being.

And that seems so crazy to say because everybody teaches you the opposite.

And I've fallen into the trap of the opposite before too.

It's like you just have to be

discipline becomes easy when you actually face the consequence you don't want.

And when you realize you want comfort and why you're reaching to certain things for comfort, you don't really want them no more.

There's a whole lot more angles we're going into with this.

It gets real deep.

But I want to talk about one more angle.

And y'all write to me all the time about this.

How do you start posting online, making content, all this shit?

Don't post if you're not going to post.

This is my relationship to myself too, with social media.

A lot of people want to get started with social media and they sit there.

Well, I need to start.

Well, I'm scared.

Well, oh, I'm going to start next week and I'm going to do this.

And I'm going to buy the ring light and I'm going to this.

The constant back and forth of like, I'm going to start.

And then you don't.

And then now I'm going to start.

And then you don't.

You're, you're fucking not.

You're not going to do it.

So stop forcing yourself to do it.

You know, you have a desire for posting on social media.

Okay.

What if you didn't have to force it?

If you're worried about it, if you're scared about it, if you're whatever, I guarantee you, if you've been in this little cycle a little too long, you're sitting back and you're like, oh, I just can't start.

Or like, oh, I just can't get consistent.

What if you just didn't do it without guilt?

And then nothing but your pure desire to do it will come up.

And then you'll feel excited to do it.

So if you didn't post, okay, you didn't post.

No beating yourself up.

No bullshit.

No fake parenting about it.

Okay, you didn't post.

No guilt.

Go sit on your ass.

Go watch TV.

Go hang out with some friends.

Go do whatever else you were going to do with no guilt.

Get rid of it.

And then the next day, I guarantee you, you're going to be like, oh my God, I want to record this thing, and it's going to come out very natural, very, very just easy, breezy, beautiful.

I guess that's another way to word it: is like purifying the desire and letting that move you instead of the guilt and the bullshit and everything else.

Because I know a lot of people struggle with the social media stuff, and like even with myself, I don't let myself stress out over the podcast.

It's Saturday right now,

I post on Sunday.

Most of the times, I always record right before I upload.

But the whole week I used to, in the past, would stress myself out like a dog.

What is the podcast going to be?

I need to sit down.

I need to think about it.

I need to.

I would stress out the entire week.

And I'd be like, I'm going to start recording early.

I'm going to start recording on Wednesdays.

And then I would do nothing but stress myself.

Oh, it's not perfect.

It's not right.

I'd be writing.

And I wouldn't be doing nothing but recording until Saturday.

I would be stressed out the whole week, record Saturday, post Sunday, and then be relieved.

Okay, finally, I get a fucking day off from the stress.

For Monday, I'd relax.

Tuesday, it's coming again.

I got to get ready.

Oh my God, I got to prepare.

No, you don't.

Just let it go.

Because now,

with my podcast, I don't let myself stress over it.

The idea is going to come to me.

I'm going to know what to talk about.

Living my life this week and just being in in it doing everything that i've been doing hanging out with who i've been with going places i've been all the activities and shit i've been up to i don't share too much but there's some examples coming up soon about a valet almost wrecking my fucking car well they did well i'll get to it everything i want to talk about unfolds in my life i get a deeper understanding of like this whole guilt situation it's all come from me living my life not from sitting there stressing about it i have no notes made for this i'm talking about what genuinely happened and what I've been learning and what I've been going through.

It just flows out.

I've been doing this long enough.

I don't got to script shit.

And I've never scripted a podcast.

I've done like little bullet points of like, okay, hit these seven points.

And it was like one sentence things.

That's how I used to script my podcast.

That's how much I would plan it.

But now I don't need it.

I just let myself have fun, go through life, and everything I speak is genuine.

It comes out.

And I started to do this thing earlier, a little bit earlier, because it's like, what is it?

It's 3.48 on Saturday.

And I was like, I need to start planning on the podcast.

And I was like, Leo, you don't do that no more.

But that urge came back of like, parenting yourself, be responsible.

You have to do it.

And I was like, nope, I'm going to sit here.

And that is what cracked this, me talking about all this.

So it's like, it just, it unfolds.

And I got the urge to come sit my ass down and talk.

Like, just let yourself off the hook.

Let yourself off the leash with the shit you've been trying to force yourself to do, but you can't do it.

Just let yourself off the leash and don't do it.

Or full-fledged, do it until you're tired of it.

It's like doing the laundry.

I've needed to do laundry real bad.

Instead of sitting here beating myself up every single day like I used to, I need to do the laundry.

I need to do, oh, if I have 30 minutes right now, I could start it.

Keeping yourself responsible, keeping yourself on the hook 24-7 is exhausting.

It makes you pissed off.

And I don't want a fuck thing to do with the laundry after I used to live like that.

A couple weeks ago, I was like,

I'm not stressing stressing about the laundry.

And then I got to a point where I wore all my tank tops and all my underwears.

And I was like, oh, fuck.

I need to do my laundry.

I let the need come up for me to do it.

And then I did it.

And I wasn't mad about it.

It's not like this looming task has been on me.

I knew I needed to do laundry when the need presented itself.

And then I did it.

Am I going to be a little bit more aware of like a day before I need to do it again?

Yes, because I was trying to get ready to go out.

But that's the thing.

Learn by actual consequences.

Sitting here beating myself up for two weeks to do the laundry and then finally doing it.

No, that's not what happened.

I enjoyed myself for two weeks.

I saw I needed to do laundry and I was like, okay,

well,

I need to go out right now, but I need to do this laundry.

Let me do it really quick.

But let me make a mental note.

Okay, I'm going to do this a day before next time.

Now I'm back to not thinking about the fucking laundry.

I'm just living life, having fun.

But I know when I need to do it.

Like I have an eye on it, but I'm not forcing myself.

With the mental parenting, shut up.

Oh my God.

I know y'all deal with the same thing.

So I'm yelling at your brain for you.

Shut the fuck up.

Leave my friend alone.

All right.

And one more thing I want to point out with this whole dynamic and like trying to force yourself to focus on things that you can't like things that you don't care about.

If you don't care about it and you're trying to force yourself to focus on it, that guilt trying to guilt yourself to do it ain't gonna work how many times have you tried to guilt your partner into doing something for you how long does it last it's not genuine you don't want to do it so you're not going to do it kids with autism and kids with down syndrome are such a wake-up call gift to this and how they live and do things you cannot force a child with autism or Down syndrome to focus on something they don't want to fucking focus on.

In a way, they resemble that childlike side of you who just wants to do what they want to do.

And you see,

they're a lot happier in life because they're not also matched with that parental negative side of their brain that forces them to not do what makes them happy.

They just do what they want to do.

They do what interests them.

They do what makes them happy.

That's such a gift.

And like a way, if you look at it like that, I always used to get very inspired by like their little joy all the time.

And it's like the childhood joy gets robbed when that parent slips inside your own brain when you're an adult and you have to take care of yourself and look after things.

Be a better parent

than you had.

Because that voice got you good, bitch, didn't it?

Fixed it.

Be nice to yourself.

Make a nicer parent in your brain.

Be there for yourself, but let yourself kind of learn and go through life and learn through consequence.

That's what changes things.

That's just one more thing I wanted to add.

The moral of the story of this whole portion of everything was if guilting yourself into making a change worked, it would have worked by now.

So

take with that, what you will.

Apply with caution.

Okay, now let's talk about the valet and how they crashed my car.

So I've been telling you all the past like probably 10 episodes, I guess, at this point, how life's been going for me.

It's unfolding, how I've been shifting and not forcing things.

Kind of like how I just talked about the beginning of this, but now I'm gonna give you an example.

And kind of a way

where things make sense,

bad things make sense, and you kind of get tested into falling into old patterns.

I don't know, let's just go into it.

Okay, so the other night I'm at dinner with my friend, and this place we've been going to is valet-only.

I can't stand no valet-only shit because I don't want you driving my motherfucking car.

I customized it.

I built it.

I waited and have busted my ass to make the money that I've made to be able to customize my own Miss 80s.

To let somebody else drive it, who the fuck you think you are?

And I got to pay you to have me shaking in my boots, anxious.

You're going to wreck my car.

I got to pay you to stress to me.

Got it.

Got it.

Usually with valet,

I'll pull in and park my car and I'll just tell the valet, tell me where you want me to park it.

I'm going to park it and I'll pay you double because I'm parking it myself.

You're not touching my car.

Usually they're like, okay, cool, fine, whatever.

This place I've been going to, I've been a couple of times.

And I'm like, you know what?

I've seen them drive more expensive cars than mine and nothing seems to happen.

Maybe this is a moment where I need to learn how to trust and say,

you know what?

I

can trust to leave my car in somebody else's hands.

And maybe God won't punish me.

Maybe I don't always have to have my hands on everything, gripping, controlling, and forcing everything to go right for myself.

Maybe I don't have to protect myself all the time.

Let me give it a chance and trust that I can let them park it.

So I do.

Oh my God, stupid Buddhal.

What the fuck was I thinking?

Oh, I'm sweating.

Irritated with this because God loves to play with me.

Oh my God.

Okay.

I let them park my car for me.

I go have a nice dinner with my friend.

Having a great time.

We get ready to leave.

We go to the valet.

I pay.

My car is parked right up in the front.

So I pay anyway.

Okay, here.

I go to walk to my car.

My friend gets in his car.

He's like, starts to drive off.

When I get in my car,

an alert comes up.

Collision detected.

My car

got wrecked is what it's saying on the screen when I start the car.

Letting you know, it's high-tech.

It's nice.

Let's me know.

I didn't know that.

I'm over here.

Stomach drops into my asshole.

I'm like,

okay,

let's see how bad it is.

So I see my friend already start driving off.

I'm like, okay, I'm just going to have to handle this myself.

So I get out the car.

And I go looking around my car.

All of a sudden, my friend stops.

So nice.

And Roses went on and I was like, what happened?

And I was like, it says collision detected on my car.

He parks, gets out, and comes looking at my car with me.

That meant a lot to me because I'm the type person, if I'm with you,

I will not leave you in a parking lot until you're following behind me.

If someone, I drop you off at your car or something happens, you're getting in your car, I don't walk off or like drive off until you've started it and you're driving.

I'm making sure your car starts, making sure you're safe, making sure you're leaving.

Because this is when crazy shit happens: when you both don't leave the parking lot together.

So, for my friend to do that too, a situation where a lot of people would have left me, he stayed and he did exactly what I would have done: got out and walked around the car with me, make sure everything's okay.

So, we're walking around my car,

nothing's wrong with it,

from what we can tell.

No scratches, no dings, no dents, no nothing.

My car looks perfect.

I'm like, what the hell?

So I walk up to the valet thing.

My friend comes with me right behind me.

I can't explain how much I appreciate that.

Like someone just being there for me.

Oh.

It's like 1 a.m.

The last person there only speaks Spanish.

There's no other valet people.

No other employee there.

I don't speak.

Qué la chingadad.

That's as much as I know in Spanish.

What the fuck?

I know some things in Spanish.

Me pueded un boter de agua.

Can you get me a bottle of water, please?

That's not helpful in this situation.

I don't know enough Spanish.

I'm not lingual enough to ling with you.

I don't know what the fuck to say.

So I show him my phone.

It's all English.

And he was like, no se.

And I was like, me neve, girl.

I don't know.

I was like, you know what?

It's fine.

So I just walked off, went to get in my car.

I wasn't going to be rude to the valet guy, but I I didn't know if the guy did it.

I didn't want to blame him.

I didn't know what happened.

I was just like, whatever.

For whatever reason, I wasn't that stressed.

I usually, I would have been losing my mind.

Like four months ago, I would have lost my mind before this whole like mental shift of like, oh, be trusting.

This is a situation where I would have looked at it like, okay, the one time

I trust

somebody with my shit

is the exact moment you show me why I should never do it again.

I would have turned this into a huge betrayal, a huge, I'm on my own in this life.

God, you fucking with me again.

But I weirdly wasn't freaking out.

I was so comforted by my friend actually staying with me.

It was like, that situation showed me this person is like more of a friend than I thought.

Like, you very much like me.

That was like a building moment with our friendship.

And then I got in my car again

and the alarm little like alert thing came up and it said on the settings oh you can turn on a setting in your car where it will take photos if there's ever a collision detected so if anybody ever tries to break in my car or someone ever bumps into it or wrecks it it takes photos of the whole thing

but this is a key thing because usually when i'm angry like how i would have been a few months ago before i had this big shift I would not have read that message.

I would have seen collision detected, went home, been pissed off and never let Valet touch my car again.

But I got in the car and I was more relaxed than I thought I would be.

I was like, you know what?

I'm not going to stress about it.

If something ends up being wrong with the car, I'll get it fixed.

Okay.

I'll put an insurance claim.

I'll figure out some way around the system and I'll get it fixed.

Even if I got to pay for it, okay, so be it.

I'm not going to sit here and freak out about it.

And then I was like, what does this message say?

So I read it

and I saw the thing about the setting where you can go and turn it on where it will take photos of your car.

So instead of going home like, okay, I know 1000% I will never let nobody in valet touch my shit again.

I went home with peace and certainty that now I'm leaving my car at the valet every motherfucking time and you will drive it because it's going to take photos of you in it and everything outside of it.

So I have an extra set of eyes on my car when I'm not there.

And this is a new level of peace and like

relaxation and comfort and trust that I have because of this whole situation.

I worry about my car all the time, but now I don't have to.

I know if anything ever happens to it, they got you, bitch.

HD

4K, they got you fucking ass.

What happened?

Who was there?

What time?

Everything.

And it sends it to my phone immediately.

I see this moment a little bit clearer now.

This happened to help me real bad.

That's how I'm going to choose to look at it because nothing's wrong with my car.

It might have set off that thing because someone leaned on it or bumped into it, like their body might have bumped into it, but there's nothing wrong with my car at all anywhere.

I hawke eyed the motherfucker and so did my friend who was with me.

So nothing's wrong with the car, but that whole situation brought me so much more peace because I didn't freak out about it and I let it be what it was.

My friend stayed there with me.

And his presence meant more than I like thought it could or would.

It was like a trust building moment, huge.

And then I have a new setting in my car turned on that I didn't know about where if anything ever happens to it, it's taking a photo.

And I'm not calling the cops.

You try and break in my car and I see your face, I'm going to come get you myself.

I'm not calling the cops about you.

Break into my baby, my child I built.

No, I'm not playing that.

I play fair.

And fair to me is to fuck you up.

What you did to my car, I'm going to do to you.

You bust my car as one, I'm going to bust your teeth out.

Eye Eye for an eye.

But that's not the point.

That was a bad situation where with the wrong lens, with my old mindset would have been catastrophic.

But with my new mindset, I saw what it gave me, not what it took for me.

So it was a little like blip in the moment, but not reacting to it so hard.

Period, bitch.

I feel more much more safe.

Weird how all this works.

Also the guilt thing with the control tactic.

People use it as a control tactic.

Real bad.

Real bad people like to get around the whole discussion of like they like to fight with you and try and shame you and guilt you if someone can guilt you they can remove who you are as a person who you are when you feel guilty is not you at all

so That's kind of like your best like protection mechanism.

And like when I say who you are when you're guilty is not you.

Who you are when you're guilting yourself to try and go to the gym, guilting yourself to eat good, guilting yourself to quit the vape is not you.

you are too responsible to be sitting there huffing a fucking vape non-stop that's not you you're acting out of guilt so if you needed one more perspective to crack you there you go

this is the wake-up call hello pick up hey friend no more guilt no more bullshit all right that's the way to actually make changes and that's the way that like

Getting rid of guilt

literally like changes everything.

Everything I talked about in this episode, it's not crazy booth.

Everything gets easier.

Everything gets better because you're not addicted to the guilt no more to feel like you're productive.

You're not addicted to guilt to feel like a good person.

It feels very moral to be guilty and to make yourself feel guilt.

For what?

What's it doing?

Look at your life.

It don't work.

So get rid of it.

You have my permission.

You have me as a testimony and you also have my permission to get rid of the guilt.

Damn, I don't want to talk about this.

I was hoping my soul wouldn't remember this, but it wants to talk about it.

I don't want to talk about it.

I do.

This is stressing me out real bad because I don't know if I want to talk about this or not, so I'm going to go have a cigarette.

I'll be back.

Okay, I'm back.

I have my cigarette.

I also realized I didn't have my bracelets on, the cuffs.

So now we're good to go.

The thing my soul wants to talk about that I don't want to talk about,

but it was healing for me.

So I'm going going to share it because it's going to hopefully do a lot for other people.

I carried a lot of guilt when I didn't think that I did.

And it comes down to innocence that was never validated.

Because when people don't step up to protect you in a situation, it makes you question if you deserved it.

But this all hit me last week.

So let me just walk you through it.

I'm going to be real honest about it.

And hopefully this will help you figure out some guilt that you don't realize that you're carrying that's still fucking with you.

So, on TikTok, I've been blowing up, and everybody's like liking me again on the internet, which I love it.

Great.

Hey, hi, everybody who's new.

Hello.

But a lot of people have been liking me, and there are people who still hate me from the past.

Because last year is when I had that whole big cancellation happen.

Everybody's saying, oh, Leo's fat phobic, Leo's this, Leo's that.

Leo's not, Leo don't give a damn.

And when nobody steps up to protect you,

that is when your brain and your nervous system has to make up some kind of explanation.

Okay, you deserved it then.

All the bad that was happening to me and everybody just staying silent.

My brain had to make sense of the silence.

It's like people who go through being assaulted sexually as children.

And that when nobody stands up for you, you carry guilt the rest of your life.

And I hope by me saying this, you can let it go.

What happened to to you, you did not deserve.

And I'm sorry that nobody protected you,

but it was not your fucking fault.

I want to validate the innocence in you.

Because when I did it to myself, it healed something.

You might not understand that you carry guilt for certain things, but

sometimes it is guilt.

And you might feel a lot of shame around things and not know why.

Because this all came to a head for me because on TikTok last week, some dumbass girl made a video and was talking shit about people who go to Pilates and was like, anybody who goes to Pilates who's like over 200 pounds or something like that shouldn't be able to go.

Like she was blatantly just being a cunt.

People like that, I can't stand.

And there was a comment of someone, some random person, I don't know who it was, commented on that video, Q Leo Skeppy agreeing with her.

And it had like 50,000 likes on it.

I was like, okay, I guess people are still mad and and have this certain narrative of me in their head from over a year and a half ago.

But okay, I get it.

Okay, I get that these people still exist, whatever.

And then

someone commented under that, there was like 50-something replies to that comment, and people were replying, oh, he did agree with it.

He commented on the video.

I had a full body panic.

Like chills all over my body, stomach dropped to my ass, fight or flight mode.

Oh my God.

So I immediately was like trying to think back, did I comment on something that I didn't know I commented on?

Like, I did not comment on that.

I've never seen that fucking video.

So how are people saying I commented on that?

So I go in my activity on TikTok and I go see the comments that I leave.

I rarely comment on things.

But I went to my activity so I could see every comment I've left for the past month.

And I was looking through.

There was no comments of anything around that topic or being even near that or around that.

So, somebody's just causing shit and trying to make a problem for me.

But the way that I full-fledged had like a panic because I thought I might have accidentally liked something or commented something where people could have taken it out of context.

I knew I didn't comment shit, but that fear that came up, that like panic, I was like, oh my God.

And it caused such like a physical reaction in me.

And that's where I realized I still carry guilt for what happened.

That whole situation fucked me up a lot worse than I thought because I got like so deep psychologically twisted where I bought this damn book.

I grabbed it so I could show you the Lucifer effect.

It says, understanding how good people turn evil.

I was convinced I turned evil.

I was convinced that

this many people turning against me saying I'm this evil piece of shit.

When I know my heart, I was like, maybe i'm a narcissist maybe i don't see what people see these people were dead ass fucking wrong i will never forgive them in my life take that up with your fucking god but it twisted my mind so bad i read this entire book twice i even like have parts where i folded down the pages to go back to and highlighted shit but i was trying to understand am i a delusional narcissist am i a psychopath am i something where i don't understand how so many people think that i'm evil when i know that i'm not not.

This like broke my brain for a minute.

And something that did happen that really made me read this book again was

I did start to have like a body, like a reaction to people who are overweight because people online, when this whole shit was going on for like four months on social media, anytime I opened my phone and clicked on a video, someone was dog cussing me out.

And it was always someone who was overweight because they were reacting to the video that I made and they were just ripping me.

My brain made an association of overweight people are attacking me.

They're a threat.

So seeing hundreds, thousands of people, every time I open my phone on TikTok, open on Instagram, Somebody else is attacking me and it was always somebody overweight.

Any color you want to pick, they all did it.

My brain and body actually had a reaction to people who were overweight because I knew they were going to attack me.

When I would go out in public and go to the gym, if I saw somebody who was overweight, I would walk out of the room.

I would go to a different area because I was in my head, like, they saw my video, they took it out of context, they're going to fucking hate me.

And God forbid, I get into an argument with somebody and they posted online, oh, Leo's making fun of somebody who's overweight.

There was so much fear in my head around this narrative being confirmed further that was false.

it destroyed how I went through life.

I'm just going to be honest about it.

They're seeing so many people talk shit about me who were overweight.

I had an aversion to people who overweight and I didn't know how to stop it.

I genuinely started to feel bad, but even with that, it wasn't like, oh,

overweight people have this thing where I hate them.

I didn't hate them.

I just like

wanted to get away from them because I saw them as like, they're going to attack me.

So I don't want to hear it.

I don't want to deal deal with a problem.

I went into every situation, like, anybody who looks at me, they're gonna hate me.

So, I'm not even gonna be there.

I'm just gonna avoid it.

Like, I don't like that uncomfortable feeling.

I felt so bad because I was like, this association that's now been made in my head.

Now, I actually like have a body reaction to people who are overweight.

And I saw what was happening to me, and it freaked me the fuck out.

I started calling therapists about it because I didn't want this.

I didn't want for all this shit people were saying to impact me like that and make me actually turn against you.

Because I didn't.

Like I wasn't against you, but the way people reacted made me start to turn against them.

But I felt bad about it at the same time.

I was like, I don't want to have this aversion.

Like this has never come up.

And it wasn't even a hatred.

It was just like, I just didn't want anything to do with it.

I didn't want to be around it.

I didn't want to be near it.

I stayed at home.

I wore hoodies for like six months straight.

Anytime you saw me in LA, I was in a a hoodie.

When I was at home, I was wearing a hoodie.

It was like a sense of protection and comfort.

And that was a big period when I started smoking and using Coke

a lot to like cope through it and like numb out the fucking anxiety and everything that I felt.

But that's why I read that book again, because I was like, great.

Now I actually do have an aversion.

And I really started to feel bad about it.

I felt so much guilt for having that, but I can't fault my human brain.

It's like if every single bee you come into contact with stings you, every single one, every single day,

every single bee that's near you stings you, you're gonna get an aversion to bees.

You're gonna not want to be the fuck near them.

Your body's gonna react when you see one.

You don't even have to try.

So my own biology was like set up in a way against me.

And I was just like, oh my God.

Is this really what we've come to?

Nobody saw that.

Nobody knew that.

Nobody knows what I had to do with myself to like get through all of this.

And I now still have no problem with people who are overweight.

I don't have this reaction anymore because people who are overweight aren't attacking me like they were before.

It's gone away with time.

But I never flipped and hated people just because they were overweight, no matter fucking what.

And that's something that irritates the shit out of me is like nobody saw and I carried so much guilt for it.

I'm honestly hesitating a little bit.

Like, I'm not going to not post this.

I'm going to post it, but I'm just like, damn, this could open a whole new can of fucking worms.

But if you don't get what I'm saying,

fuck off.

I'm not dealing with no hate campaign again.

Because now I don't read comments.

I don't watch social media.

I don't know what the fuck is going on with nobody.

I don't watch the news.

I don't consume on social media, genuinely.

I don't know who half these influencers are anymore.

I don't know what anybody's up to.

I've seen the people who have turned on me.

I know that they're doing shit now.

That makes me happy.

but i don't watch things no more that's it like i read the comments on my podcast and i see those but like on tick tock i'll read the first like 10 minutes after a video is up i'll read the comments on that but like i don't read comments no more i don't scroll social media i don't watch it half the time people are like oh leo you're getting hate for all this and that i don't know i don't see it and i'm much happier this way I'm much happier not watching the news, not watching what the fuck other people are doing.

I don't care.

It helps me stay who who I am and authentic and stay like in my brain.

I watch people online with opposing viewpoints, but I seek those people out because I like to hear other perspectives.

I'm constantly growing and changing and I like to hear things argued from both sides of the fence.

I think I'm going to just leave it there.

If it made sense, great.

If you like this video, leave it a thumbs up.

If it didn't make sense, I don't know what the fuck to tell you, girl.

I said it as straight up as I could say it.

Comment the little eyeball emoji.

Because I want you to be like, yeah, I see you.

That's what I would like.

I would like the eyeball emoji for the people who made it this far in the episode.

Comment that so I know you made it.

I did have a new idea for some new things, but I'll tell you about it next week.

I'm really excited.

I'm gonna tell Substack first, so

sorry.

That's my perfect family.

I'll leave the link in the description if you want to go there and join and come hang out.

That's where I go live and shit.

But that's it for this episode.

Love you all so bad.

Everybody, be safe, take care of yourself, and I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.

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