31. They Were Just A Lesson. Now Learn It & Let Them Go

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Speaker 2 Do I have an episode for you this week? My God.

Speaker 2 This is the lesson you are meant to learn that you thought you learned. This just cracked me in the head the other day.
I can't wait to tell you.

Speaker 2 Should I tell you from my experience or talk about it just like in general? I feel like from my experience, so like you can see yourself and see how dumb we have been.

Speaker 2 I don't want to admit this, but it's the truth. Ain't no running from it.
I have not been the same or felt the same emotionally or mentally since a certain breakup over a year ago.

Speaker 2 When I feel like I can't get over something or there's like still something attaching me to something in the past or somebody, it infuriates me.

Speaker 2 Like it genuinely makes me want to bash my head into a wall. Because with a certain situation, I was over here like,

Speaker 2 I've nitpicked this to death. I've journaled about it.
I've written about it. I've pulled every lesson and then some out of this scenario that I could pull.

Speaker 2 I woke up the other day thinking about this certain person again,

Speaker 2 pissed off that I was thinking about it again. Like, are we seriously going to keep doing this?

Speaker 2 What I wanted to do was wake up, bash my head into a wall, and then eat five Xanax and just not feel nothing, just be stupid.

Speaker 2 I just was so infuriated with all the feelings coming up again about this certain situation. So I was like, you know what? Clearly, it's something else, maybe, that I haven't looked into.

Speaker 2 So I make myself sit down and I get to writing. Like I do, I just get a blank notebook and I just start writing.

Speaker 2 The main lesson,

Speaker 2 nothing about the feelings of the relationship or anything that happened have impacted my behavior at all it's been over a year i'm not the type to like sit here and linger and keep like trying and go back i don't go back i'm never gonna spin the block so like my actions were not impacted at all anymore but for what i thought my actions just in general life felt heavy I felt like discouraged.

Speaker 2 I doubted myself.

Speaker 2 Even if it was like just a little bit, like I couldn't snap back into like the full throttle, me.

Speaker 2 And let me just take you through it. I keep avoiding hitting the damn topic.
So, when I started writing about the whole relationship and the situation, I applied my

Speaker 2 outlook on success

Speaker 2 to a relationship.

Speaker 2 Don't ever do that.

Speaker 2 So, with me and success, the way that I've learned to find it, it comes easy to some people.

Speaker 2 To me, it was never easy. It was never simple.
Nothing lined up for me. I had to force through everything.

Speaker 2 Every single fucking dollar I've made, every opportunity I have, and every single thing that you see that I've done or manifested or bought was by my own effort and my own energy.

Speaker 2 And I'm exhausted with that. That's a whole different part.
We got to get to this first part first. But that's one route to get success.
The only one that worked for me until now.

Speaker 2 And my mindset with success and discipline and everything that I have goal-wise is recommit. It don't matter how discouraged you feel, recommit.

Speaker 2 If you need to go to the gym and you don't feel like it, go push through the negative emotions. If something's actually making you miserable, stop.

Speaker 2 But if you know that something is in line with what you want, go for it. That's my mindset.
It's like, I'm going to deal with whatever I got to deal with inside me to go through the motion.

Speaker 2 I don't care care how hopeless I am. I don't care how defeated I feel.
I'm always going to recommit. And I have done that when it comes to my career and stuff.

Speaker 2 And that's built my belief in myself around force. So like I know and fully trust I could force through shit and make it happen.
There's no doubt.

Speaker 2 I don't care how nice and polite I try to be about certain things. If at the end of the day, I got to force it.
We're all getting pushed.

Speaker 2 I'm not like the type where I force something and I don't want nothing to happen to me. I'll fuck everybody up.
I'll fuck myself up. I'll fuck people in the way up.
I'll fuck up inanimate things.

Speaker 2 Just like metaphorically, when I have to force something, I'll push it. And I don't care what the damage is.
I'm getting to what I want.

Speaker 2 Typically, it builds to a point where, like, I've tried to do things a certain way and it hasn't worked or it's gone bad. And I'm like, you know what? Fuck it.
Everything can move.

Speaker 2 And I like use an energetic force to like push through anything that I have to do. And it's gotten me to a lot of good points in success, but success has come with exhaustion.

Speaker 2 And when I was in this period, like full throttle with everything that I was working on, I met somebody and I didn't realize that I applied that same logic to the relationship.

Speaker 2 So like, you know how we always talk about standards? You always got to have standards. I do not know.
Well, I didn't know why I dropped my standards for this person.

Speaker 2 I could not fathom why I tolerated so much shit when I'm not the type to do that ever.

Speaker 2 But in the phase that I was caught in after being single for a long time, going into this dynamic while I was in business and like forced into success and all that, I subconsciously took that same approach with the relationship.

Speaker 2 So how logical me would look at all the red flags and be like, uh, not having any kick rags. I was in a place where I was feeling a little bit lonely and I was like, you know what? It could be fun.

Speaker 2 It could be what it's going to be, whatever. I have a certain image of a certain relationship that I want to have in a certain way that I want love to feel with a partner.

Speaker 2 And when things started going along with this person, I was like, okay,

Speaker 2 every single time an issue came up, I did not.

Speaker 2 Do what I would usually do. Yeah, I stood my ground here and there, but there is so many times I should have walked away.
And I've been beating myself up for the past year.

Speaker 2 Like, why did I not end it the first day we started texting? Because there was already a hiccup. Oh my God.
It's like you can look back, hindsight's 2020. You see everything perfect.

Speaker 2 And then just going forward the first couple of weeks, couple months,

Speaker 2 it's so clear all of the times where I should have walked off and I didn't. But now I see the approach that I was using.
So the same one I use with success, force it.

Speaker 2 I was subconsciously hoping that every time some kind of hiccup happened or a situation happened where I was going to walk away and where I should have, I just recommitted and hoped that it would lead to the outcome that I wanted.

Speaker 2 And I want to talk about this. I don't care how it makes me look.
It's a lesson I just learned, and I want more people to learn it because it will have you tolerating things that will destroy you.

Speaker 2 Because there were so many moments I should have walked away. Nothing was catastrophic enough for me to like say fuck you until the end.

Speaker 2 And this whole cycle of not knowing why it feels like relief to tolerate certain shit and not leave, like why it feels like, okay, I'm going to get through this one hiccup and then we're going to be smooth sailing.

Speaker 2 Typically with success, I would have issues come up. I would force through them.
hit another point of hopelessness, force through it, hit another point of hopelessness, force through it, boom.

Speaker 2 And then I would have success. So I had like programmed in my head that approach to get the desired outcome that I want with anything in life, force it.

Speaker 2 As soon as bad as you want to give up, use that to reinvest it. Do not ever do that with relationships, ever.

Speaker 2 I know when you're in a relationship and you tolerate things you're not supposed to, more bad things are going to happen to force you to leave. I wasn't ready to leave.
I didn't want to end it yet.

Speaker 2 I had a date in mind. I still had a couple months left in me before I was ready to like kick the bucket, you know? Like I had it all planned in my head.

Speaker 2 As fucked up as it is like this is the truth of what it was okay but basically there came a point where there was such a bad abrasive lie that was exposed that i caught and when i put pressure on it and finding out the truth it went really really bad and the reaction was not what i thought and when i saw too much of the truth of who the person was, there was no stay.

Speaker 2 There was no figure it out. It was done.

Speaker 2 And the night that it happened, I was like, yeah, this is done. I don't see a way to go through this shit.
And homeboy was like, let's talk about it tomorrow. Just we're both emotional.

Speaker 2 We're both upset. Tonight was a lot.
Let's agree to talk tomorrow. Like, don't make a decision.
Let's just, let's talk tomorrow. I was fully done in that moment.

Speaker 2 And I went home, went to sleep, woke up the next day and was like, okay.

Speaker 2 If there's any way to get through this, everything in me is telling me there's absolutely fucking not. But I'm going to try and recommit.
If there's a way to find it, I'll find it.

Speaker 2 So when we have the conversation, we'll talk and we'll see if there is a way through it. And if there's not.
And that night when we met up to talk, they showed up fully. I agree with you.

Speaker 2 I'm pretty sure this is the end. Like, I don't see a way past it.
Not in an aggressive way how I did it. It was like very tearful and sad and it threw me the fuck off guard fully.

Speaker 2 I was going into this, like, okay,

Speaker 2 I'm willing to go against myself to see if we can have a conversation and see if there's any actual way to continue going forward.

Speaker 2 But the whole thing of like going into the conversation, intending to have one and being met with, no, you're right.

Speaker 2 This isn't going to work. It felt like rejection, but I don't know how to like read the situation.
There's any way you can kind of like cut it or slice it.

Speaker 2 I ended it and then it was confirmed or like me being open to have a conversation. I don't know what the fuck it was, but it felt like rejection.

Speaker 2 It felt like abandonment because I was ready to have a conversation and I come over here and stick my hand out and nothing.

Speaker 2 That has sat on me

Speaker 2 for over a year. And I thought that was the whole issue.
At the time and for a lot of months following, what I thought I wanted was to figure it out.

Speaker 2 And I didn't. I literally was going through so many different thoughts and like emotions and things.

Speaker 2 Like after you fucking lied to me, got caught, lied again, got caught, and I just blatantly exposed you for who you truly are. You fucking fucked with me.

Speaker 2 And I'm still willing to sit down and have a conversation. I took it as so disrespectful of like the fact that there was no like been interest in talking.

Speaker 2 Even though the person was telling me, I'm not good enough for you. Who I am just will never be good enough.
I hurt you, like being who I am. I'm never going to be able to be good enough.

Speaker 2 I'm never going to be able to be strong enough to be with you. I'm scared.
Even though that is what was said to me that night, I could not accept it because I'm the type to fight through anything.

Speaker 2 If I care about you, I will do whatever it takes. much less a conversation.
I was like, this is so pathetic. And I couldn't wrap my head around it for so long.

Speaker 2 And I took it as a total attack and like a total like blow to my self-esteem, my self-concept and like my worth.

Speaker 2 After that happened and like the blatant disrespect and kind of like abandonment that I perceived, I was like, I don't care how bad I want to go back or talk or anything dead to me. Zero.

Speaker 2 There will be no go back. There will be no nothing.
That was my way of protecting myself. That's how I fucking do it.
You cross me and then you disrespect me out.

Speaker 2 I don't care how emotional I get, nothing will ever make me reconnect with you. And that's what I did.

Speaker 2 And I also thought I wanted like reassurance that there was more to it and it wasn't that I was just discarded. Even though that's not what happened, it's exactly how I felt.

Speaker 2 So what I thought I wanted was like confirmation that I'm not easy to just forget about and move on from. It was all about the person in my mind.

Speaker 2 What I truly wanted that was disguised under all of that is for my ability to force things to happen and my ability to create what I want in this life to not have been completely destroyed.

Speaker 2 I lost all faith and my ability to trust myself to force what I want to happen. I felt so powerless, so helpless, so like, what the fuck? And there was such a clear discrepancy of like,

Speaker 2 I was the one that was like the meal ticket. And it was even expressed from the other person that, like, they'll never be on my level.
They'll never be good enough.

Speaker 2 And for a person like that to discard me, I could not make sense of it. What I really lost in that situation is seeing my effort be useful.

Speaker 2 And I felt like I lost a game I was completely set up to win. Like I fully didn't get what I wanted or have any outcome come out of it that I wanted.

Speaker 2 And I fully lost trust in myself in so many ways and in my confidence. And I had a whole like meltdown mentally of like, do I look as good as I think? Am I as smart as I think?

Speaker 2 I questioned everything

Speaker 2 just to get around the point of, I just didn't want my effort to be for nothing because going forward, I couldn't trust my effort anymore. I couldn't trust that I could bring about what I wanted.

Speaker 2 But I didn't see that. I didn't see that I used the wrong approach.
I used my business sense that I was just programmed into at the time. And that's how I was leading with everything.

Speaker 2 I used the approach with just keep recommitting and you'll get the outcome that you want in a relationship that will never work there.

Speaker 2 And that relationship ending made me start to doubt my ability in business too. I lost confidence in myself all across the fucking board.
Then I had to go do a tour about confidence. And I did it.

Speaker 2 And I killed it. And it was like a whole building process.
And there were so many pieces that I rebuilt and I felt confident, but there was always just a little piece missing.

Speaker 2 And this was the final piece. I made this whole situation be about, I'm not good enough.
I can't trust myself.

Speaker 2 What I walked off from, I didn't lose the person who I thought I cared about so fucking bad. I lost the trust in myself to create what I want in this life and to have outcomes go how I want them to.

Speaker 2 The only way that I ever knew how to get anything was to force it. And then I fully had that blown out the water and didn't know what approach to take at all.

Speaker 2 And I just kept trying to force through things.

Speaker 2 And that's when I was using a lot of substances and coping my way through life to try and get a boost to keep going because everything I did was with an underlying thought of like doubt.

Speaker 2 Then the cancellation happened. Then the betrayal from a bunch of friendships happened.
Then the move to Dallas happened. It was.
bad.

Speaker 2 So from that moment going forward, not trusting my ability to force through and make what I want happen, I thought the only way I could get it is if people cared about me.

Speaker 2 So then I flipped into a whole people pleaser type shit and lost myself fully.

Speaker 2 Thought my only like last desperate hope of having anything go right for myself is through approval and people loving me and caring about me.

Speaker 2 And I tried to go into business opportunities and business shit with everybody that I was working with and dealing with.

Speaker 2 My focus became on making sure that they all cared about me and doing for everybody to care about me because I thought I had to have things guided for me.

Speaker 2 I didn't trust that I could do it on my own anymore.

Speaker 2 And that went to absolute shit because then I got to a place where I was banging my head in the wall, couldn't do anything to get anyone to care about me.

Speaker 2 It's like all the things that I've learned from the past. blew out the window and I had to redo them again.
I was back in the people pleaser shit.

Speaker 2 Y'all watch this whole evolution of myself, like the past year through the podcast, me getting back to having my voice and not giving a fuck it's because i trust my ability again to make what i want happen i don't need people liking me to do it trying to get people to like me and trying to be digestible ruined things worse it was pathetic and like looking back i'm like

Speaker 2 so i want to talk about all this to prevent you guys from going through it or dealing with it or if this knocks something loose in your brain then great i hope you can like reconnect and figure out what the lesson was with your relationship if it was this or if it was something else.

Speaker 2 I hope it guides you to that thing because

Speaker 2 going through life and not trusting any means of yourself to get what you want, that's a tough one. That's a real tough one because I went to the whole thing of like, okay,

Speaker 2 everybody hates violence. I'm not going to be violent anymore.

Speaker 2 That's just a part of me. I'm Albanian

Speaker 2 and that's never going to go away. Y'all watched me cut off from so much of myself trying to be approved of.

Speaker 2 You do not need anyone's approval, and you don't need anyone to like you to get to what you want. You can fully achieve anything you want in this fucking life.

Speaker 2 It's just a whole game of like, how do you want to do it?

Speaker 2 I was just subconsciously without even realizing any of this, jumping to different ways of trying to like keep going when I didn't trust myself anymore.

Speaker 2 Now that I see what I did with that dynamic was overlay a business approach with with a relationship. You can't.
You cannot put your

Speaker 2 forcing, like discipline, recommit type shit with people.

Speaker 2 So now there's a clear distinction in my head of with certain things in life, whether it's opportunities, business shit, inanimate things, just like physical world stuff,

Speaker 2 that

Speaker 2 you got to push past your emotions sometimes, like going to the gym. You got to eat on your fucking meal plan if you want to look a certain way.
You got to go to the gym if you want certain results.

Speaker 2 if you want to gain weight you got to eat more there's no sitting there thinking about it and nothing you got to force through the emotions and do it with relationships and with other human beings

Speaker 2 there is zero overlooking emotions i am now so in tune emotionally with people and it's helped all my relationships but when something in life that you're trying to achieve starts turning into resentment and you start feeling hopeless, keep pushing, keep pushing, and go through it with relationships if you feel resentful if you feel hopeless you best stop dead in your fucking track you don't recommit to nobody you have to have a conversation you have to see what can be done any emotion that you feel with human beings needs to be taken into consideration and worked through together.

Speaker 2 It's not you bypass it, you recommit to them. No matter how hopeless you feel and how betrayed you feel and how unfairly treated you feel.
You don't just recommit, not with people.

Speaker 2 You do that with your goals. You don't do that with relationships, friendships, none of it.
So that was the biggest lesson I learned through all of this about someone just being a lesson.

Speaker 2 If you're telling yourself they were just a lesson and you still can't let it go, the lesson hasn't been learned. So now that I can look back and see, it was my approach that I used.

Speaker 2 It wasn't that I didn't know myself. It wasn't that I didn't know my standards and know my boundaries.

Speaker 2 I chose to go past them because I had a different pair of sunglasses on where I thought that was how I was going to be able to like get the outcome that I wanted. It had nothing to do with me.

Speaker 2 It had nothing to do with me making more money, looking better, having more. It had nothing to do with me, my value or any of it.
How I was treated, how I treated them. It had nothing to do with me.

Speaker 2 My value unshaken by that dynamic. Me assuming it was about that

Speaker 2 is what fucked everything up and made me not see my value anymore and not trust myself. Just seeing that it was about my approach and not digging into myself.
Why was I so stupid?

Speaker 2 Why was I still this? Why like, oh, catastrophize. What the fuck is that going to do? Nothing.
And I did it for a year. So if you need proof that it don't work, it don't fucking work.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I did it. I tried it for both of us.
Okay. You can leave that to the side.
But this is the feeling of when you say someone was just a lesson. Now I know it was a lesson.

Speaker 2 Now I understand what it was about. I feel back reconnected to myself.
It's like that last piece of myself that I cut off from and lost.

Speaker 2 When I thought I lost them, the thing that really hurt was the piece of me that I lost. And I couldn't find him.
I couldn't get him back until now. And now that I've found him and I'm like back to me,

Speaker 2 everything feels like a relief. Everything feels different.
I have zero emotion toward the person at all. I don't have anything toward the situation.

Speaker 2 I'm a little fucking irritated at myself that it took a year for me to get here, but

Speaker 2 it happened how it was meant to happen.

Speaker 2 My God, like, I just feel so stupid sometimes, but I'm like, you know what? I'm happy I learned it now and I didn't keep going how I was going because I would have died. I wouldn't have been able to

Speaker 2 keep going against myself and having no motivation, no hope, no anything, and just trying to keep going. I would have forced through my

Speaker 2 capacity and destroyed myself fully. Like it was coming.
And I'm so glad I woke up to this and I feel so much better. Like that is the lesson.
That is the fucking relief where it's like,

Speaker 2 this time,

Speaker 2 say labi, motherfucker.

Speaker 2 So now everything is great, Dandy Peachy Keen, right? Not yet.

Speaker 2 So I see everything with that whole dynamic fully different. I see how the whole last year of my life makes a lot more sense.

Speaker 2 I don't know how I survived it.

Speaker 2 Like I said, like I'm proud of myself because even when I doubted myself so fucking bad and I had no faith, no hope, no trust in myself, no trust in other people, I still achieved some cool stuff.

Speaker 2 Like my ability to force through shit is solid.

Speaker 2 I know I can achieve things like that, but now I'm at a point, I don't want to keep going like that. I don't want to have to keep forcing everything I want to happen.

Speaker 2 And now I'm in a whole period of like looking at how I want my relationship to manifestation and success to look.

Speaker 2 And I have to rewrite that and practice new approaches because forcing shit is all I've known. It's the only thing that worked.

Speaker 2 Now I see a whole new way how I want things to feel and how I want things to go.

Speaker 2 Now that I do trust myself and I'm like back reconnected and I feel whole again, now I want a whole different approach to everything. I have no fear if something will work.

Speaker 2 I know no matter what way I'm going to try, will work. That's the weirdest thing.
Cause like I said in the past, it's like I tried all these avenues and forcing it was the only one that worked.

Speaker 2 By forcing it so hard, I trust myself 10 out of 10

Speaker 2 after now.

Speaker 2 So now when I go try different approaches, I know every single approach I try will work. It's just like, which one do I want to have work?

Speaker 2 Which one feels the best? And living a life without obligation is the one that I'm walking into now.

Speaker 2 Last week in the episode when I talked about obligation, how it feels like someone's got their hand on my neck and they're choking me out and I want to kill them when I feel obligated into doing things.

Speaker 2 I don't want to run my life no more and live my life through obligation. I've kind of quit that shit the past like

Speaker 2 month-ish.

Speaker 2 Now that I'm like full fresh off this, it's about to be 10 times harder. But the whole thing with obligation came from right after the relationship and that I didn't trust myself.

Speaker 2 I felt like I had to gain people's approval to get what I wanted. Still,

Speaker 2 I did nothing but run out of obligation. And I see now how I was blocking so many opportunities because I didn't want them, because I wouldn't say no to things if I didn't want to do them.

Speaker 2 If something was fully against my morals and like my code, absolutely not, it would be a no.

Speaker 2 But if there was something, it was just like it makes sense, but like, I don't want to do it, like, it's just a drag, it's like draining.

Speaker 2 Okay, I would do it, I would force myself to go through with the obligation, but no more. That sets up resistance to opportunities and things happening where I didn't want to do them.

Speaker 2 And I started to resent obligations because I was like, everybody, just leave me the fuck alone. But I didn't feel like I could be left alone because I couldn't trust myself to make anything.

Speaker 2 It was like, okay, whatever falls in my lap, I can't force it no more. Does this make sense?

Speaker 2 Like, I'm trying to describe the thought process and the feeling state that was going on that I wasn't aware of that led me so far down in the obligation.

Speaker 2 My soul rejects that shit so bad.

Speaker 2 So now with obligation, I'm having a whole period again of learning how to set boundaries. What?

Speaker 2 It's kicking back in muscle memory very quick, but I didn't realize how lost I got and how this one stupid fucking thing

Speaker 2 did so much.

Speaker 2 But this was the lesson.

Speaker 2 But one thing I do want to point out about when I was in like the people pleaser era and I was trying to think that like I have to listen to other people's judgment and trust their guidance with what I should do with my life and my career.

Speaker 2 I was like, if I want everything to stop, I can trust myself or I can trust these people and hopefully it goes forward. Trusting everybody, nobody knew what the fuck to do either.

Speaker 2 I was just doing everything everybody said and it didn't line up. It didn't work.
And that's what led to a lot of like ending of partnerships that I had.

Speaker 2 As soon as I saw like, I can't trust you and your judgment, I cut everybody. You're out.
I was in a period where I couldn't trust my own judgment.

Speaker 2 And then I was like, okay, I got to rely on everybody else. Then I realized quickly, yeah, relying on them got me in a worse spot.

Speaker 2 So I've been literally sitting here for the past like three, four months trying to like figure it out and believe in myself again. And this is what finally came to a head.
And I'm like,

Speaker 2 duh, these people don't know how to help me and guide me. I'm the only one that knows how to do it.
So let's circle back.

Speaker 2 Let's kick this fucker back to when I was talking about forcing through things in life and like enduring headache and having to recommit with all the hopelessness and like the disappointment.

Speaker 2 There's a big thing with receiving that I didn't feel like I deserved things until I got to a point where there was so much headache and so much I had to overcome until I finally forced it and snatched that shit.

Speaker 2 It's like when I was provoked and pushed to a point of like utter hopelessness that turned into anger. That's when I would force to get whatever I wanted.

Speaker 2 But I feel like I had to earn that thing that I wanted by suffering. So it was like, I couldn't receive things easily that didn't feel good.
I was not able to just receive shit.

Speaker 2 It felt like you're setting me up. It feels like it's untrustworthy.
There's some kind of hidden string attached. There's a hidden obligation in it.

Speaker 2 And I've never been good at just like receiving things or being handed things or being given gifts. Now I would very much

Speaker 2 like that that's my next chapter my next period i don't got to sit here and suffer and deal with no headache and no fuck shit because that's how i want things to come to me in this life i'm over that i'm sick of it i would like some handouts i would like some fucking hair just for you yes i would like to stop fighting for every fucking thing that I want and like want to achieve.

Speaker 2 I'm over that. So with the whole new approach thing, looking at the whole relationship to

Speaker 2 yeah i'm not good at that i'm not good at receiving things that are just a genuine like reflection of love and appreciation like oh here just because i would get very uneasy very antsy very get the away from me no or i would give something back i couldn't just like accept something i would have to do something or give something back so like that's where the obligation comes in also with this whole thing of like oh i have to fight for what it is that i want to have to suffer to feel validated to get it no I'm sick of it.

Speaker 2 I ain't suffering for shit. I suffered enough in this life.
If I got to push and force it and rip off a part of myself to get something, keep it.

Speaker 2 I will never, ever push past something and push through things to get what I want at the cost of myself.

Speaker 2 I've known this logically, but I didn't know how this played in emotionally, like under the like behind the scenes, like behind a little curtain. This shit was crazy.

Speaker 2 Honestly, the way I'm approaching the the podcast now, too, is kind of in line with my new way that I'm trying to approach things. Like, I'm not sitting here planning this out.
I have no notes.

Speaker 2 I have no nothing. I'm just letting it flow out.
And if it sounds stupid, okay. If it helps people, great.
Because this just changed my entire life.

Speaker 2 And I wanted to talk about this and just like let it the fuck out. Cause I know it's going to help other people too.
I know it's going to like flip something for y'all.

Speaker 2 And even if it doesn't flip nothing or help anything. You just know you're not crazy no more.

Speaker 2 If you think about things the way that I do and you have these kind of like relationships set up to receiving and suffering for and like overcoming and pushing through yeah you're not crazy we all in this together and as i find anything that i can along this journey i will share it and i have shared it since the beginning i've shared the discipline parts of yeah you do need to force through a lot of things But as I'm learning this, we got to have a whole new approach.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to go practice it and do this and see what the fuck happens. And every single little trick and cheat I find, I'm going to share it.
That's what my podcast is for.

Speaker 2 This is one more thing itching in me to come out with the whole thing of setting boundaries.

Speaker 2 If it feels uncomfortable to set boundaries, it's because you think the only way to get what you want is to stay in good standing with other people.

Speaker 2 So, the fear that you feel and the guilt that you feel when you're about to set a boundary that you know someone will be upset by, or you're scared it's going to hurt someone's feelings, like telling someone the truth about how you feel.

Speaker 2 It's not your fault that you feel how you feel.

Speaker 2 way to change it is to let it be known and talk about it with the person who's making you feel a certain type of way but the whole guilt of setting boundaries is normal i'm going through it now it's flipping quick i don't feel guilty for like it really took like setting two boundaries and i'm like yeah i don't care again i'm back to me

Speaker 2 it's like i had the realization and then i acted on it and it's like now everything's easy peasy but that whole like guilt of setting a boundary or like not hanging out with a certain person not doing a certain thing, not feeling up to seeing certain people at certain times, just say it.

Speaker 2 Protect yourself, protect your peace, protect whatever you feel and like honor the way that you feel. If you feel angry and pissed off, honor it.
There's a message in it. Okay.

Speaker 2 It doesn't need to be overlooked. And like I said with people, don't fall into what I did.
If you fear setting boundaries, look at why. you're so scared for people not to like you.

Speaker 2 Do you think your only way of achieving something is through other people's approval and by getting other people to like you and to help you do it? That shows a lack of trust with yourself.

Speaker 2 Because, like I said, I don't have that anymore. I don't feel the need to people please and have everybody approve of me at all because I don't need them.
But a lot of people have that dynamic set up.

Speaker 2 You think the only way to get shit is by people feeling good about you. And that's the biggest thing that holds everybody back.
And it held me back for a little bit.

Speaker 2 If you feel an overwhelming amount of like fear and anxiety and panic and hopelessness with setting a boundary it's because you think that you are robbing yourself of anything that you want in the future by not staying in good standing with that certain person that's a whole different dynamic to go into and look at so from my own experience look at that and clear it up and look at how you can still get what you want without the approval it's easy to say but like This will get shit.

Speaker 2 Got me.

Speaker 2 And I thought I was the motherfucker who could never get got again. And I got got.

Speaker 2 But something I know for sure, and especially for sure now, is when you feel that like

Speaker 2 overwhelming anxiety and fear of doing something,

Speaker 2 that's a split decision moment where you get to choose to shift or not shift.

Speaker 2 Are you going to keep on people pleasing, not setting boundaries, doing things out of obligation because you've been taught that that's the only way to get what you want?

Speaker 2 Or are you going to see, okay, I've been doing this for so long, it hasn't fucking worked or it hasn't worked at the level that I want it to. So I need to try something different.

Speaker 2 When you go into those anxious, fearful emotions of the other side of setting the boundary, choosing to do that is the moment that you shift. It's the moment that you exactly flip and deviate.

Speaker 2 from the life that you've been living to seeing how things can go different and be different. You have to live it.

Speaker 2 It's like with me, just like an example with this podcast, not planning it out and making notes and like a checklist for myself i never like script a podcast i always just do like bullet points so i can stay on track and make sure i hit what i want to hit me choosing not to do that is choosing to sit down in front of the camera and let whatever flow out come out it makes it easier for me it's not a forced obligation of i gotta go make this perfect just that decision today is a shift that deviated.

Speaker 2 I didn't take the action that I usually fucking take that I hated. So here we are on this side.

Speaker 2 So I wanted to bring that up because a lot of people feel like that overwhelming anxiety of setting a boundary or just saying something honest about how you feel.

Speaker 2 You have a moment to shift. That exact moment is a crossroad.
So choose to go down the other road. Stop going down the road that you know is a fucking dead end hole.
Okay.

Speaker 2 From my own experience, make the shift, make the change.

Speaker 2 Do the other thing, even if it feels way worse, because all that fear and anxiety, like the other night, I had to set a certain boundary with somebody.

Speaker 2 I wasn't feeling up to like seeing people and like having company over and they wanted to come over. And I was like

Speaker 2 panicking about telling them I'm not in the mood for company.

Speaker 2 It makes no sense. Like no shit.
Just say it. But just saying it was like a full body reaction.
And after I did it, I felt relief. I felt better.
I was like, hey, wait, T, the shift has been made.

Speaker 2 And now other people are asking me to do shit. No, girl, all the emotions that came out of it are gone.
All the fear and the anxiety, gone. Like walking down this path is easy now.

Speaker 2 It's just that first jolt of like turning your car from one path you've been on to the other. That first time you turn it, it's like it could flip the car.
It could fuck up. It could go bad.

Speaker 2 You over here panic. Scared.
You don't want to deviate. You don't want to turn off that road that you know, even though it's shit, because it's scary.

Speaker 2 There could be worse consequences.

Speaker 2 but as soon as you just shift the wheel and go down this road now you don't got to keep shifting you just keep driving down that road with how you got there set the fuck a boundary and keep going down the grow cruise girl but cruise control it gets easy there's no more like fear it's just that first time that you shift that's a good way i can like make that an analogy that's a good way i can analogate that

Speaker 2 I hope this episode made sense and helped somebody at least

Speaker 2 not to get trapped where I was.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's what we're doing now. That's the way life is.
And I'm kind of liking it. I'm very much liking it.
And things are already getting a lot better very quickly. Very, very quickly.

Speaker 2 So if you're making a shift and you want to change it too, I'm right here with you. We both zigzagging a little over these motherfucking roads.

Speaker 2 If you made it this far, leave this video a thumbs up if you're watching it on YouTube and comment a car emoji. Because bitch, we sperving now.
That's a good emoji for for this.

Speaker 2 I'd like to see who makes it this far. So, like I said, if you made it this far, leave a little thumbs up, leave a little like on here, subscribe if you're new, put a car emoji in the comments.

Speaker 2 And if you're listening to the audio version of this, hit the download button, helps me a ton. Thank you so bad.
Also, leave me a five-stars rating if you feel so inclined. Don't feel obligated.

Speaker 2 And if you usually wouldn't do this, you wouldn't download it and you wouldn't do a five-star, deviate the road. Do me a little favor.

Speaker 2 That's just me manipulating you. Just a little but at least i'm being honest i'm telling you you're free to choose also if you're watching this right now i

Speaker 2 am out in miami i'm pre-recording this

Speaker 2 i'm out in miami right now i'm probably drunk on the fucking beach i'm probably drowning in the ocean i'm probably trying to domesticate a stingray and like take it home with me in a water bottle If you want to keep up with me and my little birthday escapades, you can follow my social media.

Speaker 2 I'll put everything you need for me in the description. But that's it.
That's all we got for this week so everybody be safe take care of yourself and i'll talk to you guys next sunday

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