19. Screaming At God Is A Better Relationship Than None At All

Hi friends, this week I want to talk about the biggest lessons I learned in 2024 to prepare you for 2025, but also maybe change your life right now. Because this year was a growth year and that's what I'm going to call it.
Because the amount of things that I learned and the things that I went through, enough, nothing better go in 2025, how I went in 2024.

There was a lot of great things that I learned.

And I'm way more equipped to handle so many more things that I thought I knew better than before.

But life got me.

Life humbled me.

So I want to share what I learned so you don't have to go through the pain that I've been through.

Let's do this.

First lesson I learned is screaming at God is better than having no relationship with him at all. And what I mean by screaming at God is even if you're in like a real, real bad period or you're going through something really, really bad, yell at him.
Talk to him. Do not stop talking to whatever higher power you believe in, God, the universe, Allah, whoever it is, whatever you call it, whatever you name it.
You don't have to hide how you truly feel. What I learned about my relationship with God is he's there at all times.
And yelling at him, letting him have it is when I get the most clarity. So a lot of people think that they have to be very like delicate when they speak to their creator or whatever they believe in.
And this is something that I talked about on my tour about how to feel more confident. This is something that will really help you with confidence if you struggle with it.
Looking at God and just letting them have it about whatever situation you're going through is when all the clarity is going to crack you upside the head. It's the best feeling, weirdest thing, but your higher power will become your best friend when you stop hiding certain things that you feel from God.
So when I say let them have it, let them have it. Why the fuck are you doing this? Like what has gone wrong in your head where you think this shit's okay? That's how I've talked at certain times.
I just let it fully out. Your higher power knows exactly what's going on and why it's happening.
So when you're sitting here thinking everything's gone wrong, pissed off, upset, losing people, losing money, who knows? Like whatever happened that's like got you all like in a tizzy the higher power knows exactly why it's happening and if you want to tap into that clarity you gotta get out of the emotions of it so that's why i say let them have it dog cuss whoever you gotta cuss out get the emotions out but from the perspective of the higher power that we're all connected to, we all part of it, it knows exactly why what's happening is happening. Every single thing happening is meant to be happening.
And you know that because it's fucking happening. All right.
So when I say let it out, let it out. This is the visual that hit me.
If you're yelling at God or the higher power as if they're in front of you, this higher power that understands why everything's happening, how it's happening, is going to look at you and say, give it to me. Come on.
Yell it out. Scream it out.
Hit me. Slap me.
Whatever you need. Come on.
Give it to me. I can take it.
Come on. It's going to encourage you to get it all out.
And you're going to be yelling at the thing that knows what's going on. So there's not going to be any kind of like punishment or animosity from the higher power looking at you going through what you're going through.
It's just going to be sitting there like, I know. I'm sorry.
I know. I know how bad it sucks.
I know from your perspective, you don't know what the fuck this is all for. I know, I understand, give it to me.
All the anger, all the rage, all the heartbreak, throw it at me, tell me about it. Tell me, let it out.
And God's gonna stand there and look at you and be like, I know, I'm sorry, I get it. But when you're venting and talking at this higher power, it's gonna look at you with the unconditional acceptance because it knows why you're feeling how you're fucking feeling.
It sees what it sees and what you don't. So when it looks at you throwing your little fit, you're going to be like kicking and screaming and fighting.
You're going to be like all upset. And God's going to be looking at you like, girl, I know.
Okay, we feel better yet? God or the universe is the only thing that is going to be able to hold space for everything you feel and understand it fully. So when you vent at that perspective, makes you feel better.
Because when you're over here overreacting and you know that higher power is looking at you like unconditionally, no matter what, it's still gonna give you a hug and say, I know, I fucking sucks i know you don't get it i understand why you're angry give it to me hit me as much as you need i could take it give it to me you'll fully be validated in whatever you're feeling and then the emotion is gonna wash right the fuck out you're gonna get your little tantrum out and then you're gonna be hit with clarity of like wait okay I see things a little bit different now and then you're gonna feel a little bit more encouraged to take steps going forward but a lot of people with God or their higher power whatever their religion is they do not like to lend the bad shit like a lot of people only want to be like oh thank God when good things happen or like they only want to pray or talk and communicate to god in desperation like please save my family member save me this health thing whatever going on i'll never ask for nothing else ever again if you just help me this one time it's bullshit all right you don't have to be transactional with god you're not supposed to be inauthentic with your higher power every single thing you feel experience and do let him have it the good times he's there include him the bad times he's there he fully understands and i say he but like it's just the concept of god whatever gender you want to fucking assign to yours go for it but my whole point is letting it out and understanding you got a safe spot that will validate and understand and look at you and love you no matter what it's always there and that is the place you should let shit out because letting certain people know how you feel is not always the best route a lot of people aren't strong enough to handle certain emotions that i feel it will trigger

a lot of like powerlessness in them because for a lot of people that are in my life i'm the one that everybody goes to so when i'm going through something and it's fucking me up everybody when they see it or when i communicate it they get a little bit scared because they're like i don't know what the fuck to do so i'm very careful with

when i hand someone how i truly feel god all the time you getting it every second every day motherfucker if you want to throw me some bullshit you're gonna be there with me you're gonna be with me going through it you're gonna let me vent it out and then tell me how to get through it but that perspective did not hit me until I was at very, very, very, very, very low point. And it's comforted me ever since.
And it makes you feel a little bit more confident. That's why I talked about it when I was on tour.
Because having that outlet and knowing that's always there is great. The other thing, when you're praying for resentment and like revenge, God is never going to harm one of his children to prove his love for you.
That's one pill you got to swallow. We're all connected, literally.
And for you to have your appreciation and your connection with God be dependent on how he harms others for you, that's not the best case.

Life always gets them. Always.

But getting mad that you feel like you're doing everything right and God is like favoring the people who piece of shit.

Normal feeling. Totally normal.
Let him have it.

Let him have it so that you get the clarity about what to do.

He's not going to about what to do he's not gonna harm other people just because you want him to he sees more than you do so that's one lesson i learned this year that actually kind of like fixed my relationship with a higher power because you know i used to always be over here screaming all kind of crazy shit but that was a big lesson he ain't going nowhere and he's always there whenever you want to talk to him whatever you're feeling you got someone that's got you lesson number two that i learned the fucking hard way getting sober is not going to fix your life it's not going to just like magically like fix everything getting sober gives you clarity and better judgment and assessment and more consistent energy and feeling states to make decisions that will change your life just getting sober doesn't do that and that's kind of something that sucks if you're considering going sober try it do it if you have a something, definitely do it. But I took a break from alcohol for a year.
I'm still in it. From March 7th to March 7th.
That's my birthday. I committed for the whole year that I'm 26 years old, I'm not going to drink alcohol.
and getting sober don't just magically change things and fix things and sometimes things don't just get better that's like another added layer to this with life things don't just get better usually ever you got to do it you got to be the one to change it and getting rid of certain substances will help you make better changes and be more level-headed and clear about what you're trying to do but just removing removing a certain substance or removing a certain person, if you're addicted to a certain person or a certain relationship, it don't fix everything. You still got to change it.
Like, that fucking sucks. But y'all know I'm always honest and transparent about it.
It's great. I'm very happy that I've done this.
But as soon as my birthday hits, I'm getting fucked up. All right? Alcohol is coming right back in.
I'm having a blast. I miss going out.
I miss having fun. I miss being young and just doing stupid shit.
Not too stupid because we got things to lose. But you know what I mean? Just relax, let loose, have fun, have some drinks, have dinner, go out, be out in the boat, have a good time.
But I'm speaking from an aspect of where you are not fully addicted to it I just chose to take a break from alcohol I didn't have like a full-fledged addiction where I was drinking non-stop bottles a day I didn't have like a full-fledged addiction that was ruining my life I just chose to take a break from it so from this perspective it's not like alcohol was the source of all my fucking problems and removing that fixed everything but for someone who is heavily addicted it might do a lot more but i'm just speaking from my perspective i'm getting fucked up on my birthday all right all right lesson number three from 2024 is when things get worse it's all right it's okay if you over here like oh it's so bad it's so bad it's gonna get worse from my experience that's usually how it fucking goes but if things get bad or they get even worse than you imagined there's kind of a sense of freedom in it and i'm gonna give you example of like my personal life when i moved here from LA I didn't have a place to stay I was living with my sister in her second bedroom my life fully destroyed like not really destroyed but like I made a lot of changes and every single aspect of my life was totally different I made a lot of different changes with people who I deal with

business-wise, left LA, had no place, had nowhere to go. I was literally homeless, staying with my sister.
And fresh off a cancellation, but then fresh off a tour, which was great. But in that period, I fully lost myself.
And that's another point I'm going to get to. But fully lost myself, have never been more down on myself than I ever can recall.

And... And that's another point I'm going to get to.
But fully lost myself, have never been more down on myself than I ever can recall and felt like I achieved so much and then lost it and was in a whole phase of like, all right, I'm about to have to fully rebuild. And I was just trying to stay sane mentally, to be honest.
And then one of my best friends was going through a very difficult situation.

And she ended up saying, I have nowhere to go. Our relationship ended that she was in.
She had to get out and she had nowhere to go. And when I say when it gets worse, it's all right.
It might be to help you and to save you. My friend had nowhere to go, but my integrity and my character doesn't bend.
It doesn't matter how bad I'm doing in life. I said, okay, come with me.
I asked my sister, is it cool if my friend comes and stays here? She goes, sure. So my best friend comes and stays with me.
I don't got nothing to fucking offer or nothing to help. I'm living in my sister's second bedroom, but I at least got a place you can come stay.
So she comes, stays with me. I moved to the couch.
I sleep on the couch for a few weeks and my friend is in the bedroom. So she was going through a breakup.
So I was like, you know what? You need a little alone time, a little space. You go in the bedroom.
I'll go on the couch. And that's how it was.
And I took care of her and she took care of me, which is weird. It's like as bad as both of our lives were literally destroyed and like ripped up out of fucking nowhere, out the blue.
And when I say when it gets worse, it's's okay you're given a chance to meet yourself truly because who you are at your lowest moments is who you are what you do and how you operate and the character you got and the integrity that you can manage to hold on to when you're at your absolute worst is who you really are so i got absolute certainty i. I am who the fuck I am.
And I took her in and took care of her and made sure she was all right. And she made sure I was all right.
This also made me a lot more harsh and cutthroat when it comes to other people, because other people have fucked me over when they were dealing with way less it ain't hard to treat the people you care about good it's not hard to have integrity when that's who you are when you're faking it yeah it's a challenge but me with my best friend in this whole situation when i say it gets worse it do it be getting worse okay so we finally decide okay let's go get an Airbnb so we can get out of my sister's place. I felt bad.
I'm like, you know what? Let's go ahead. Let's go get a separate place to stay.
Me and you can have our like emotional turmoil, like crying fits, freak out fits in like a separate place. Also, I could finally have a fucking bed again.
So I get us an Airbnb and stay in it for a few weeks. In the process of me buying this house.
And the whole process of that was a shit show. But we go and stay there.
The first night we get to the Airbnb. We get there.
We unpack all of our shit. We're finally like okay.
We can relax. We unpack everything.
We sit down on the couch. It's like 1130 30 at night the fire alarm starts going off the fucking complex where the airbnb was caught on fire i tell her grab everything valuable you got anything important put it in a bag we're going downstairs so i gotta repack most of my stuff we go downstairs we're waiting the fire trucks there the firefighters there going to squirt one everything okay fine so we literally finally were at that point of like we got a moment to fuck a piece nope cut off that so that night was what it was and we finally were like all right it's like 2 30 in the morning we finally get to go back in and we finally go to sleep we're there for a couple weeks i get my house she moves with me she still ain't got nowhere to go so she comes with me duh then we go start touring apartments and we find her an apartment and she gets situated she's all good but when i say when things get bad it's okay it's gonna get bad but it's gonna get even worse but you're not gonna be left alone to deal with it it was the weirdest kind of thing where like she swooped in my sister swooped in and my family kind of like all came together and it brought me clarity around like who is really there for me and brought me clarity around my character.
Like I'm not the type that just sits here and says one thing and does another. No, I don't care how bad I'm doing.
If I love you, I'm doing whatever I have to. If I got to cut off my leg, make sure you're all right.
Okay, you can have it. You know, so it's a really, really big chance to build confidence when shit gets as bad as it can smile because you are truly free i don't know how to verbalize it but like you are free when you have nothing when everything is just like fucked that sense of freedom oh my god it's such a I low-key miss it sometimes.
But that is the chance you have to redefine who you are or to meet and get certainty about who you truly are. So when shit gets bad, it's all right.
It's going to get worse. Okay, so number four, I talked about in the last point where I said that leads into this when I said I was very insecure and down on myself.

The fourth lesson is anyone can lose themselves. I fully lost myself.
As confident, as happy, as secure about myself as I was, fully lost myself. And I mean fully.
I don't remember ever being as insecure about myself

Any fully lost myself and i mean fully i don't remember ever being as insecure about myself any time in the past like i fully had to go through the whole phase of rediscovering my value redefining who i am re-accepting myself and like going through a whole self-love fucking journey pain in the ass but anybody can lose themselves it don't matter who you are you're not immune to it so with that do not lose yourself make any decision you got to make cut whoever you got to cut throw away any amount of money throw away any body any opportunity any house any anything that costs you yourself trust me and i'm not talking about integrity because i'm always going to stand on that i've thrown away shit from that but what i'm saying is outside hate and outside opinions of perspectives and all this shit got to me like as strong as i was mentally i broke now good luck I had to rebuild everything you ain't fucking with my head again ever in this life nobody nothing ever but my point is anybody could lose themselves and I was at a point where I felt hideous I was like I'm so ungodly ugly I'm not physically attractive I don't think I'm funny I don't think I'm entertaining I don't think I have anything to say anybody would give a fuck to hear I felt so down and low about myself I was hiding all the time in like hoodies and long sleeve in the middle of summer like asshole in the middle middle of Texas, right? I was just so insecure about my body, hated it. Didn't want to look at it.
Didn't want to see myself. And I was in such like mental and emotional, like just devastation.
It was hell. Do not ever let other people's opinions or words or nothing get through to your head and going through all those cancellations was one big part of it but one thing i want to clear up and one thing i want to say is that video that was circulating about me talking about my ex and like the whole plan that i had and like all this crazy shit i don't regret what I said at all I don't take it back that is how I felt at the time if you can't understand that I'm fucking happy for you if you've never had something bad enough happen to you where you could relate to what I was saying I'm so proud of you I'm so happy for genuinely.
I know it sounds kind of fucking shady, but a lot of people ripped me and tried to destroy me for my response and my reaction to what had happened to me. You don't get it until you've been in that position.
And I convinced myself from so much shit to go back on it and feel bad about it. No, I don't fucking feel bad about what I said.
That's how I felt. That's what happened to me.
And that's what happens. It's like these people with this healthcare CEO, people saying, oh, why are you glorifying this person? Like he murdered somebody.
Clearly, you never had somebody you love deal with the healthcare system, or you've personally never been through issues with the healthcare system. That is a privileged perspective to be able to come over here and throw morals into it.
Oh, you shouldn't be glorifying what happened. That's bad.
Well, what the fuck was going to change it? The system failed us. All of us.
Okay? Nobody was going to change it. Nobody was doing nothing but sitting there making sure their pockets get swollen.
So for people to take things into their own hands, so be it. If you don't understand that perspective, I'm happy for you.
Wait till you get sick and you can't fucking afford it. Wait.
But that's a really, really big thing. Don't ever be ashamed about how you've felt in the past or what you've been through or things that you've wanted to do.
Revenge you've wanted to get. It's valid to want to get that.
It's fully fucking valid.

what I was going through I would never look back on myself a couple years ago and say no you're bad and you're wrong for even speaking how you spoke fuck you to anybody who expects me to do that to

myself it ain't happening and that is one way where i did lose myself i started to turn on myself and shame myself and beat myself up for what other people thought was valid you ain't valid your perspective ain't valid your criticism ain't valid you ain't been through shit all right the fuck up but one more thing i want to add for anybody who feels like they've lost themselves if you feel like you lost yourself great it's a good thing because first step to finding yourself is losing yourself what the fuck and usually you find way more than you thought don't beat yourself up if you feel like you lost yourself don't do that Don't freak out don't get mad at yourself everybody can lose themselves any celebrity me anybody as strong as rich as famous as pretty as whatever confident whatever you think somebody is everyone can lose themselves so be true to your damn self is the biggest lesson i learned and i will sit here and take any heat that comes from that going forward. I will never back down.
I'm never going to cower down. I'm not going to pretend like I give a fuck how people feel again, ever.
And that's my commitment to myself. And for me to not honor that commitment is to discard myself.
So not doing it. I'm going to discard you before I fucking fucking discard myself again because what did me trying to go over here and cater to everybody's feelings do nothing i think this is number five this is gonna sound like i'm joking i'm not if you ever get a rental car go check the tread on the tires i got in a really bad car accident a few months ago when I was on tour.
Almost died. Should be dead.
I know everybody's pissed. But if you get a rental car, go with your own eyes.
Look at the tread on the tires because what caused the wreck with me in my situation is there was no tread on the tires and we hydroplaned and wrecked it sucks and it's like sad that you expect for a company to be able to allow you to not have to take responsibility to do their job to ensure your safety but do it go check the tread and buy the full coverage insurance. Avis, you can suck my fucking dick.
The full coverage, I don't care how much it costs, buy it. Because they tried to wreck me with bills and crap.
And they tried to say, I didn't buy the insurance when I did. I was at the counter at the airport and I bought the full coverage insurance.
And then after the wreck happens, oh, they got no fucking trace of it. So when you buy the insurance, make sure they print it out and leave with a physical copy in your hand.
Also have them email it to you because the dumb shit at the counter typed in my email wrong. I never got the email to confirm that I bought it.
Luckily, when I booked the rental car, I did it through Priceline. I bought their full coverage insurance.
And then when I got to the airport to pick up the car, I bought it at the counter through Avis directly. I bought their full coverage.
They all of a sudden lost track of the record that I fucking bought it. So the Priceline insurance that I bought came in and saved the day for the price of the car, not for the medical bills from my mom or anything else.
But just know, if you're going to get a rental car, check the tread and buy the full coverage insurance. Trust me.
Okay, lesson number six. It's about gratitude.
I've always been so resistant to gratitude lists and like i don't do it it pisses me off so how i talked about with point number one with screaming at god is better than no relationship at all there's a lot of times in my life where i've felt very unappreciated by god like what the fuck's going on what what's t over here because you're over here rewarding these pieces of. I'm over here trying to help people be for real, turning down gajillions of fucking dollars just to not sell out.
And you're over here benefiting everybody else. I was very confused and I felt very unappreciated.
It all came full circle and everybody has gotten fucked. The last one just went down.
But with the whole gratitude list, I don't look at it like, okay, these are the things that I'm grateful for every single night. But every single night, I do make a list of ways that I felt supported by a higher power or just in general.
Anything that happened throughout the day that made me feel supported is me showing my appreciation.

And if you're not showing your appreciation, you're not going to feel appreciated.

So that's kind of one unlock.

And I do have a gratitude journal, like my own version of a gratitude journal that I'm working on and coming out with.

That's one aspect of it.

So before it even releases, if this is something that you do and you want to start noticing an improvement and change how you feel about shit, start doing that every night. You can write down things that you're grateful for, sure, but also start writing ways you felt supported also.
Whether it's a person said a certain thing, a certain synchronicity, something went good, you felt happy when you shouldn't have, or someone was there for you. Whatever it is, whatever like weird thing lined up, show the appreciation for it.
Look at and start to identify ways that you felt supported and you will start to feel more appreciated because you are appreciating. You get it? I'm looking at my list.
I have so many more lessons that I learned.

So I'm probably going to do next week's episode, more lessons that I learned.

But number seven, I learned a big rule about shopping. And I found a way to figure out how to stop wasting money and how to know what my style is, what I like, and what I need to buy versus not buy.
And the perspective is, imagine somebody comes into your house and goes in your closet and takes everything out of your wardrobe, jewelry, clothes, shoes, everything. Imagine they take it all, but they give you two times the amount of what is gone.
So like everything value-wise,

you get double it in cash.

Then ask yourself,

what would you then rebuy out of what you have?

If you wouldn't rebuy it,

you shouldn't fucking keep it.

You should sell it or get rid of it.

And it would also give you clarity around,

okay, these are the things I would rebuy.

And then it's like, okay, wait, now I i have this money what would i go out and buy now for sure because you kind of get like a fresh start when you go into it with this mindset like okay i got money all the bad decisions i made wiped out i got the money back okay cool got double you're sitting there with the money what do you feel comfortable letting the money go for what do you want to rebuy? And what do you now want to buy now that everything is gone? So that fully gave me clarity around every single thing I need to buy and also things I need to sell. But it also made me feel better about purchases that I've made because all my jewelry that I have, I'm rebuying it.
What the fuck? So that perspective, just asking yourself that, like if someone came in and wiped out all your shit, but gave you two times the money back, anything that you have that is like limited edition or you can't find it again, imagine you could, would you still rebuy it? If you have the opportunity, if so, you know what to do, you know what to buy, you know what to sell and you know what to not fucking buy that should help you a ton if you're dealing with issues with like your style and what to do and what to buy and then new things on your wish list that you're like oh i want to go buy these things do you really want to that question is going to bring you all the clarity you need did it for me i feel like that's enough lessons for this episode so i'm going to do more next week because this is fun. Kind of.
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go click over there but that's it that's all we got for this week so everybody be safe take care

of yourself and i'll talk to you guys on sunday