14. Perfectionism

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Okay, the title being what it is and me starting this off giggling in a good mood, weird. But hi, friends.
I want to talk about perfectionism and how I think it's a brain defect. Because all the videos I've watched and all the different people I've seen talk about perfectionism it kind of goes into like overthinking and anxiety and shit like that I want to talk about how my brain is and talk about perfectionism from the lens that I experience it because it's not something that I've ever lived without it's not something I can turn off and can remember, since I was a little kid, I always knew my brain was a little different.
It was a little off. Like I didn't see things the way other people did.
And I never really appreciated things how they were. I was constantly changing them.
And y'all know I talk about it all the time. I'm a whole different person every two, three months, whole different, like physical, mental, everything.
My brain automatically, without trying, spots and just knows how anything can be improved. Any small thing that can be improved or changed or tweaked, my brain just does it.
It spots it and it knows it. It's not that I'm trying to think about it.
It's not that I'm unhappy with things and I'm constantly nitpicking things to see how they can be better. And this goes with everything.
The way I talk, the way I walk, the way other people are, the way other people look, the way I dress, the way that houses are built, the way that gold looks, certain shades of gold, the way that architecture is, the way that social media is, the way that videos look, the way that my set is. If I look a little pale, it's because I was sick the past couple days, but the little light behind me, I didn't have it on in my last episode, pissed me off.
But the whole thing with perfectionism and my brain, nothing in my eyes is perfect. I can appreciate imperfections and appreciate things for how they are.
But my brain, anytime I assess, observe, or am aware of something, or I experience something, there's just this inner like, knowing it's not a voice. It's not that I hear things.
It's not that I'm looking at things and like, trying to change it.'s not that I'm schizophrenic and I hear a voice, but it's just this internal knowing. And most of the times it's excitement.
My brain and like my being just knows the potential of something. And I automatically see how to like bridge the gap.
There is a sense of disappointment and discomfort. That's like a big thing that just kind of is in my life.
It's like a weird sense of discomfort. It pushes you to a point of depression.
I think people who are perfectionists struggle with depression the most. And that's a big misconception is people who are depressed don't care.
No, I think most people who are depressed and deal with depression are 100% perfectionists. And I think it's got a lot to do with like this type of dynamic.
And I'm going to give a lot of examples of the way that my brain just kind of goes about life and the way that I've learned to deal with it and kind of navigate it. Because this is a bitch.
It's an absolute pain. Because when you see how every single thing can be improved and you don't have to try to think about it, the observation and the awareness is just there.
But I'm going to go into a bunch of different aspects of this. So let's start with it.
First thing is nothing feels like an accomplishment. And I mean nothing.
And that's a weird thing with my brain is I don't see extraordinary things as anything but normal. There's a lot of moments where I don't celebrate and a lot of moments that I don't take it in and like experience the achievement because it's just normal to me.
Like when I was in nursing school, anytime I did good on a test, I didn't see it as like, oh, I got an A. I looked at it like, okay, that's what it's expected.
Failure is not an option. To be the best is the only possible outcome.
So to hit that, it's just normal. Duh, I passed with everything without failing once.
Duh, I got an A on most everything. Duh, I graduated.
It was like nothing big. It was no anything.
It was like, okay, people were congratulating me for graduating nursing school and then passing the NCLEX on the first time. I'm like, what do you mean congrats? That's just the way it is.
That's what was expected. That was the expected outcome.
That was my normal.

Like overachieving was always my normal. So whenever I accomplished things, I never saw it as like, oh, I achieved something.
It was just like, okay, that was the desired outcome why I did this thing. And I got it.
Nothing is by surprise. Everything is like that's how it's supposed to go.
Duh. It weirdly takes intentional effort to celebrate something or to see something as an accomplishment.
That's going to make sense to some people, but it's going to sound nuts to some people. But that's something I have to do all the time is like congratulate myself and remind myself that I've achieved something.
But the other thing of that is I know the maximum potential of every single thing. What I do and achieve is never that.
It's always below what I know is possible. And that's a bitch because it's with every single thing that I do.
I know what the ultimate potential, the ultimate form of this thing would be. So for me to only do what I could do, because there is limitations with this life.
That's another thing with my brain is I feel so cursed at times because the desires that I have and the ways that I see that things can go are limited by this physical reality. It's like I have to see the limits.
It's a very humbling fucking thing to live like this because my desires are past the limits of physical life. So with every single thing I have an idea for or a goal that I have, I have the goal to the thousandth degree.
And then I have to see my reality. I'm a human being.
I'm one person. And I'm not going to be able to achieve that high of a thing with the restraints of being a physical human.
So I have to kind of settle with my capabilities or if there's a new skill that I have to learn. Okay, I'm going to learn it.
But I also understand how long it takes to get efficient at things and get good at things to be able to execute at the level that I want. I want to build a house with my own hands because I know nobody's going to do it how I'm going to do it.
Like the vision that I have, that's another thing we're going to get to is like asking people for shit. I want to do everything myself because I just want to, we're going to get there.
But the whole thing with settling, basically, I have to settle with everything because of the physical restraints of being a human being. So nothing is ever going to be what I picture it in my head.
Nothing. It never has and it never will be.
That's just one of the quirks or like the downsides to like my brain doing this. I do achieve a lot of things and do a lot way quicker than most people.
But at the same time, I'm achieving shit that people don't achieve till they're like 40, 50. But it's not special for me.
It's not a crazy achievement. It's so much further below what I've already experienced and that internal knowing.
It's like the thing I'm supposed to be at, baby, what people are shocked at that I'm at, that's not even like a tenth of what I was mentally seeing as my goal. And the other thing with that is constantly feeling like you have to wait for reality to catch up.
Like time is a bitch. I hate time.
And I hate getting ideas for things that are too elaborate because I also have to see and be realistic about the time frame that things would happen. I always do them way faster than usually normal, but you have to take into consideration the human aspect of time.
Certain things take time, but when you've already lived that experience, to wait that entire time until what you're trying to do happens, oh, it sucks. because every day it's like that constant, this is what it should be, but this is where I'm at.
It's that split and the disconnection from where your brain's at and where you're wanting to get to versus where you're at. And then you have the added layer of this is the gap of what's realistic.
What my brain thought of is 10 steps further from where I'm trying to go. And it's something I have to catch myself from letting discourage me.
Like, it's very, very, very easy to get discouraged when your brain works like this. It's a bitch.
It's a daily thing. Every minute of every day.
My brain also forgets and wipes out the past of, like, what's happened. Like, the fact that I went on tour twice, I did two tours this year, gone out of my head.
I have to intentionally bring my attention back to things that I've done and achieved because from the present moment of where I stand, every single time I think of something and my idea or my goal is really big, that discrepancy makes me feel small. And I have to remind myself of everything that I've done to this point that makes me feel like what I'm trying to do isn't that far-fetched.
It's always far-fetched as hell. But my brain quickly forgets the past.
Anything good about the past, my brain wipes it out like quick.

And my brain doesn't allow me to use past accomplishments as self-esteem for the current.

Weirdest thing to explain.

I have to intentionally do that.

But my brain does not do it by itself.

These people who run around and gloat about shit they did 10 years ago, I can't even gloat about nothing I did a month ago. Like my brain forgets about it.
I have to think about it and remind myself. So that's another thing with the humble thing.
That doesn't matter what I've achieved and what I've done. My brain does not let me get any sense of like gratitude automatically from that.
I have to intentionally go and like pick those couple pieces to like make myself feel confident going into the next thing I'm talking kind of like the baseline of how my brain is and then how I've worked to like build it so the fact that I don't see the past accomplishments by default I have to intentionally look at them because that's another thing where I've fallen into bad pits of discouragement when you don't see your strength or your capabilities that have gotten you to where you are. The next area that kind of tweaks my brain out a little bit is protection and protecting myself and my home.
So I'm aware of so many steps of every single process. So like if someone is going to break into my house, I already understand the potential of that.
Like I see potentials for everything, whether it's good or bad, but I see every step of the way. So like with someone breaking in the house, I know and I understand when you take the screws out of the part of the door that's like inside the doorframe, you always want to take out the short ones and get like the six inch ones put in the door so people can't kick your door in.
But also, people can still kick the door in certain times. So I have a door buddy.
It's a metal stick that like goes up against the door handle so you cannot open the door. Even if you bust through it, there's no like opening the door.
With that, I also have a security system that will alarm and alert me if something goes on. I also have cameras everywhere.
Also with cameras, a ring doorbell is not enough for me because if someone walks up to your house and snatches the ring doorbell off, I also see the potential of like, I want to see your fucking face after you get in the door. So I have a camera in my house that is directly in the inside of the door.
So if someone walks up to the outside and they damage that camera for them to come in the door, I got you, bitch. I heard like, there's no way you're getting in my house without anyone seeing you or me having footage of it or not being alerted to it.
The other thing, I also know none of these mechanisms will fully prevent anyone from actually harming me or stealing my shit if they wanted to. So I have all of these mechanisms in place to buy myself time because I know at the end of the day, I still got to shoot you.
So having an alarm system, if I'm sleeping and it starts blaring, that wakes me up. And I know to grab my gun from under my pillow.
It's just buying me time. Like if someone wants to come in the house, they're coming in the house no matter what you got set up.
You're going to have to shoot them if it goes to that. So my brain sees that and it does not let me rest or kind of like sleep unless I have mechanisms in place that will buy me time because at the end of it like I said if people want to come in they're gonna come in so just having like the door locked girl what the hell does that do for anybody because you bust through the door real easy in most houses so that that buys you no time.
But the way my brain is, is none of these mechanisms that I've set up are actually protecting me. The only thing ever going to protect me is me.
All of these things just make it more difficult to get to me or get to my shit. But if someone is in front of me, what's the alarm going to do? What are the cops going to do? Nothing.
Cops are not going to be there to save you. Cops are not going to be there to protect you most of the times.
So I don't bank on anything, but my brain sets up all of these mechanisms to prevent someone getting to me as fast as possible. Like I have roadblocks in place.
Same thing with like being out in public. I never leave anything valuable in the car.
I make it so inconvenient for myself because I don't leave shit anywhere. Like I will take it with me or leave it at home and lock it in a safe.
And the other thing is I always lock my car. I don't care if I walk in somewhere.
I have to walk back out and hear it lock. I can't not lock my car.
It does cause a level of anxiety, but that's because I've experienced how fast shit happens. So it's kind of like once you experience things, your brain ain't going to let you just be blind to it and not protect yourself or prevent it from happening.
But my brain takes it to a whole new level. And the other thing where I say potentials are already exposed to me, it's like people thinking that a restraining order is going to do anything.
Baby, it's a piece of paper. If somebody you have a restraining order against wants to get you, you're fair game.
You're a sitting duck. They can come get you before a cop even knows your little restraining order is not going to do shit.
All a restraining order does is protect you in court legally after something happens. So it's better to have a restraining order against somebody before you shoot them.
If you have an issue or like they're trying to attack you or something, it's better for the legal aspect. It does nothing to actually physically protect you or help you.
So I don't find comfort in things that most people do. And I don't feel understood by people.

And it causes a lot of conflict because people live in a whole different reality,

thinking that a restraining order is going to help them and protect them.

They feel like they can sleep better.

I don't.

I understand the potential of it and what's actually going on.

And that's just one example.

This goes into everything where I say I'm living a constant different reality all of the time. And it's not that I think I know everything at all.
My brain wouldn't let me like my brain will not let me be cocky. But the other part with kind of predicting and knowing potentials is I am very, very rarely surprised.
And it takes the fun out of a lot of shit. Like even with conversations with people, with movies, with shows, I don't watch TV.
I don't watch movies. Y'all know that.
I haven't watched TV really in like three years. Like actually sat down and just like scrolled.
No, I don't do that. I don't even have cable.
You got Netflix, all right? If you come over, shut up and watch that. But nothing really catches me by surprise.
And there's nothing that's really that spontaneous for me. And it's kind of like shit.
It's not that exciting because with everything that goes on, even with a conversation with somebody, if I meet somebody new, my brain is already unfolding every single thing. I'm already observing the body language and reading the person.
The way that they speak, the way that they carry themselves, the way that they start talking, any sense of discomfort or anything. It's like, I'm already tipped off to where the conversation is going to go.
People tell me things about themselves and I weirdly am never surprised. It's like, okay, I'm just like understanding more and I'm getting clarification and kind of validation of like what was kind of their weirdest thing to describe.
But I kind of know where conversations are going to go. It's not that I'm sitting here like, oh, I know how it's going to go.
My brain is just like seeing every single potential at once. And it's not what I think is going to happen.
It's like the potential of everything that could happen flashes in front of my eyes. So when anything does happen, I'm not fucking surprised.
I already seen it coming in one way or another. The next layer of this is goals and like the steps to achieve things.
I already see it. It's like I have an idea for something or I want to do something.
Everything unfolds in front of me of what it's going to take, what it's going to be like, the process of it. I'm already kind of like seeing what the process is going to be.
And that's where a lot of people get into the perfectionist thing and they start overthinking and they slow themselves down or they kind of like paralyze themselves and don't do anything because you're already stressed out by like how you think it's going to go. You never know how it's actually going to go.
You see a potential for how it could go. But given your past experiences, you know when something's going to be a headache from hell or when it's going to go smooth.
So I have a goal for something I want to do. Let's say it's diet or my body or exercise or whatever it is, like a fitness goal that's like related to diet.
I see all of the steps I need to take and everything I need to implement and do to hit that potential, the potential that I settled on, not the actual potential I see, you know, like the realistic one of like, okay, this could be the most achievable that is still far-fetched. And I see all the steps I have to do and all the things to implement for it.
But that's just one area of my life. That's just one thing.
I want to improve everything. I have goals for every fucking thing.
And every single thing, the steps are very clear. And that's where I get into having to accept defeat, kind of, that I cannot work on 10 things at once at the level that I need to work at them at.
So I have to make compromises. I'm never bored.
I'm always busy doing something because it's fun. Like, it's fun for me to be doing all these things and improving things.
And it's been a process. I used to get sucked into pits of depression because of the, like, hopelessness and the for what of it all, because, you know, you can never achieve what you're thinking about.
So it's like fucking for what? Like what's actually possible is like a tenth of what I see. So why even try? And when you see everything in your life as that, it gets a little disheartening.
But with setting goals, it's like which one? Like, you know, you have to dedicate a lot of time and attention to each thing you want to do. And there's so much to do for each one.
And then you have to accept the feat with like, okay, all of these things I want to do. It's not negotiable.
Like, these are all different areas I'm going to improve and things I'm going to work on and things I'm going to achieve. But which ones are most important? And what two steps for each one can I do every day instead of the 10? And then it's that like, you know, you're making progress, but it's slower than what it could be.
And like every single goal is kind of slowed down because there's so many. And it's not like, oh, just focus on one and dedicate time to one.
That is not an option for my brain. I cannot work on one thing at once.
Like if you give me a day, I can't just work on one thing and dedicate my day to only one goal. And that's where routines are impossible.
I am not able to get into a routine, never have, and I don't think I ever will. My brain does not do it the way that it works.
If there is a sense of redundancy or something being repetitive and predictable, I don't do it because my brain is constantly seeing new ways to improve things and change things. So if I lay out like a to-do list for what I'm going to do for the whole week, the first day, I'm already seeing new things, different ways to improve, different ways to achieve things.
And I'm switching my day every single day. Like, okay, I'm going to do these 10 things for the day.
And then as I'm doing them, I see ways I can do them better. And then I change tomorrow.
So there's no real sense of predictability with what I'm actually going to do. Because what I think is the best option for now, as I start doing it, it's constantly changing.
And I'm seeing new improvements that can happen. It's not like I'm trying to.
My brain just does it. So every single day, even if I plan a routine, it don't routine.
The routine ain't teaming. It's just constantly changing and improving.
And I cannot live a life where I do the same monotonous shit every single day. I can't.
That's like my own version of hell to do that because to do the same things, I don't. I don't ever do the same thing twice.
I always do it with a little tweak or a little change or a little improvement. It's very difficult for me to set a schedule and a routine for things.
Another thing that I'm not able to do is think past one month. I've talked about this before, but I cannot think a month out of my life.
People ask me, what are you going to be doing in five years? I don't fucking know. I have no idea.
My brain cannot think that far out. It just doesn't do it.
I can't imagine it. There is no anything.
There's no visualization. There's no idea.
There's no nothing. If I try and think a year out from now, I don't know.
It's literally just like black. Like I can't see anything or think of anything.
Ain't nothing happening. I don't fucking know.
I can only think like a month in advance, max. Every month, month by month, I know what I'm doing after that.
I don't fucking know. The people that I work with and some of my team have gotten used to it because they're like, oh, let's schedule something for like in six months.
And I'm like, huh? They had to teach me how to use Google Calendar to schedule things out. I was constantly just scheduling things every single day, living like that.
And then I was like, all right, I could manage it on it on my own scheduling things one week out and then I had to get someone to actually schedule out anything to do with other people in my google calendar so that's scheduled out as long as they fucking need it but my actual calendar for what I do is separate what I do with other people is in the google calendar what I do for myself is another one I really noticed my brain do this when I was battling unaliving. I can't say certain words because community guidelines.
But when I was about to exit a few times, I wasn't able to think even a few days out. And I really couldn't think past the month at all.
And it's kind of been like that. I remember when I was little, I could kind of like visualize and think about things.
Like when I was like 12, I was like, Oh, when I'm 18, this is what's going to happen. But it was never me experiencing what I was going to be like, or what life was going to be like.
It was like this imagination, like fairy tale of like, what could be happening. Most of the times it wasn't even me.
It some 40-year-old dude. And I'm like, we're supposed to be thinking when we're 18.
It was never me. Don't ask me what I'm doing next month.
I don't know. I don't.
Now, the next thing with my brain and the whole perfectionism curse and like defect, it makes sadness very, very bad. Because like I said, I see potentials.
I see avenues. I'm a problem solver.
That's what my brain does. It sees improvements.
So anything that it sees, even if something's perfect, I could tweak something. I see something that could be a little bit better.
You know what I mean? But with bad things happening, I don't look at a situation like, oh, this thing is so bad. I automatically see how it can be fixed and improved.
And I'm a problem solver. Like my brain does that on its own.
I don't even have to try. So when I'm upset, whether I'm sad or I'm in like a depressive episode or something, my brain is already seeing all the potentials.
And when I don't see a potential to fix or improve the way that I feel or what I'm experiencing, that makes it way worse because I do not have experiences where people could help me with some of the bad places I've been in. Like I'm the only one that can save me from certain spots I get to mentally.
Nobody has been able to offer anything. I've seen like over a hundred therapists in my life and no one's ever been able to pull me out of something or show me a potential or a new route.
I have to sit in it long enough until the potential rears its little fucking head. The one that I didn't see before it like stretches my awareness and like my bandwidth.
And then it's like that little lifeline that will kind of like reach in. I'm like, okay, cool.
New potential. And I start running down that path.
As soon as I become aware of the new potential, it relieves every single thing that I'm feeling kind of instantly where I'm like, oh shit. Okay.
The hopelessness is gone. The confusion, the panic, like all of that kind of like subsides because I see the potential that I'm like, okay, wait, T, that's the one that's going to pull me out.
Like that's the road to walk down. It's like you get into a dead end road on the edge of a cliff.
You can only go forward, but all you see is fall into your death. And then all of a sudden you like see a random rope where you can climb across to the next thing.
That's kind of what it feels like when I hit a wall or hit a certain depressive episode or feeling set or something like that. It's like I'm only able to walk forward and I'm on the edge of a cliff.
It paralyzes me and I'm stuck there until I find that little rope and then I get on that little motherfucker and take off. But like I said, it makes that sadness or that down period really really really bad because that hopelessness is like amplified of like yeah I didn't know and I don't know anybody else who knows and I don't stop trying I always try to always find more people more potentials more everything when I'm down but that in the back of my head is like yeah yeah, it's just going to come from within.

Like it's going to be like that weird knowing that I have, the intuition.

It's going to come through that.

It's never come from the outside. It's never come from an external thing.
It's always come from some perspective or some piece of awareness hitting me that will show me the new rope or the new potential and like pull me out. Now, another thing, dating especially is very, very mentally and emotionally taxing for me because of the way that my brain is.
With every new person that I meet, trust issues off the charts, duh. But there's a big period where you are kind of establishing a pattern with me where I can predict your behavior.
When I'm getting to know someone, going through experiences with someone, my brain is doing its thing. And after time has gone on, when I get that sense of safety, we're locked in, we're set, we're fine.
Having someone in my life is easy breezy, makes everything better. Getting to that point, having someone in my life makes it harder and makes it worse.
So getting to that, it takes a few months, like getting to a place where I feel safe. It's a process from hell.
And I'm very, very selective on who I'm willing to put effort into because it takes for me to get close with somebody. Once the connection is built, there's nothing like it.
But getting to that point, it takes a lot. So I'm very, very, very selective and very picky with any one friend or partner that I'm interested in pursuing.
Very, very, very selective. Because if I see anything off the bat where I'm like, that's a waste of fucking time, nope, you're out cut.
And I don't have any qualms about it. And this in its own way causes a feeling and a sense of isolation.
But also just the way that my brain works causes a sense of isolation. Like I'm the only person who's kind of like, able to access the potentials that I see.
And a lot of people misread what I'm doing. Random example that just came to my mind is with my first ex, that piece of shit that I've talked about openly, and I'm never going to be nice when I talk about him.
If you wanted me to talk better about you, you should have acted better. But I used to always, and I still do, every single time I pass a mirror, I look in it.
The guy I was with had started to notice it. One day after watching me look at myself in the mirror, he like popped off and was like, every single time we do something, you're always looking at yourself in the fucking mirror.
Like how fully yourself can you be? You're always checking yourself out. I think we were in an argument or some shit and it like triggered it.
And he tried to like belittle me. He basically just went off about how I'm constantly so full of myself and I'm always looking at myself.
And every time I pass the mirror, I have to look in it. And I said, listen, shithead, I get your point.
I get your perspective. But what's really going on, if you'd fucking use your eyes and really pay attention to me when I'm looking in a mirror, what I'm doing is making sure I look all right.
Making sure I don't have nothing in my teeth. When I had hair, I was making sure my hair looked all right.
Making sure there was no lint on my clothes. Every time I walk past the reflective surface, I'm looking to make sure everything's all right.
I'm not looking at myself to admire myself. I'm looking for the improvements.
You see, people misread a lot of shit I do and say nonstop. So that also feeds into the isolation feeling.
And it takes getting to that point of connection with people where we understand each other and get each other like with my sister or my family or like my friends that I'm close with and have that connection built. They understand, they get it.
But other people outside do not understand anything that I do. Everything seems nuts.
Everything seems crazy until you get it. But feeling misunderstood is just my sense of normal.
I've never felt understood. I've never felt like I relate to someone or something fully, ever.

I've said at times, I swear to God, I was put in this life by accident.

I don't know how I got on earth.

This was some kind of experiment and I was the fucking dummy.

Somebody threw me in here by accident because I don't belong here.

And I fully believed that for a long time.

And that's something that was rampant in my brain. Was like, I'm not here on purpose.
I'm here by accident. Like, nothing in this life is for me.
Nothing in this world. I don't connect to nothing.
I don't relate to nothing. Nothing is me.
Everything I want is the opposite. Everything I want is, like, weird and such a task to do.
It's like, for me to do anything is a fucking task, whether it's like clothing or anything, especially me with my merch. Also, I want to say thank you guys because you sold out the merch in eight minutes.
I literally was so blown away. I had the potential in my head of that happening.
I saw it, but I was like, yeah, I don't know. I don't think that's going to happen.
It did. That surprised me.
And it made me very, very happy. And I did have a little celebration moment with that.
But for everybody who wasn't able to get anything, you can go on the website still. Everything's still up and you can pre-order the restock.
So I need to know how many things to restock. So if you want to go put in an order, everything's going to come sooner than you think.
I just need to get the numbers down of like, who wants what? How many people want what? Because what I had in stock, people have already pre-ordered triple of it. So I'm like, yeah, I underestimated y'all.
Y'all love me for real. But with making the merch, I am so detail oriented and nothing is to the level I want it.
Everything is great.

I love the merch.

I'm so happy with it.

But like I said, with my brain, I see the potential of it.

And then I have to accept, wait, what is realistically possible with the company that I use to manufacture it?

What are we actually able to design and do?

And then I blast that to its highest potential of what can really happen. And of like take it further than everybody thought was possible.
And it goes great. But that whole aspect of like making anything, trying to find clothes and go shopping, good fucking luck.
I'm so picky with everything. When I walk into a store, I literally have to counter the way my brain is because I see how every single thing could be improved.
It's very, very rare. I walk in a store, see something, love it, and want to buy it.
Most of the times, 99 times out of 100, I see something and I'm like, oh my God, it's great. But if this one thing was different, I would buy it immediately.
And then I have to convince myself, okay, Leo, no, it's still the closest we've ever found to what we want. We're going to buy it.
And if I can tweak it or fix it, I will. I was at the Versace store a couple of weeks ago.
They made this black silk leopard shirt. It's a button up.
The classic silk shirts I always wear when I go out and do stuff. I got to be professional and not being a wife beater.
But this was the most perfect shirt. The staple shirt I've wanted for five years is a black leopard silk shirt.
The cut was perfect. The fit was perfect.
But they put silver buttons on the shirt. I immediately asked the sales associate, the guy I work with all the time i'm like hey friend y'all could fix that because what the fuck is that versace got silver why are we doing silver get to the classic of the gold y'all forget what you came from this is what's going through my head is like this is what y'all are known for and you're fucking it up like oh it, oh, it's frustrating.
Like the way my brain is, is very, very frustrating. Cause it's like, this is how it should be.
And it's not. Therefore I cannot have what I want.
It's hard to live with it. But I asked and they messaged corporate and they got gold buttons and they swapped them out for me.
So I got the shirt exactly how I wanted it with the gold buttons from the store. I didn't have to change them myself.
I was like, that's the other added thing is like, there is no just go in a store and buy something for me. Especially with houses.
I am never, ever going to find a house that is up to my standards. I have to change everything.
But when I'm walking around looking at houses and touring houses, I see the house. I see the layout.
I see the potential of what it could have been according to my standards and what I like. And then I see what it is.
And that constant trying to like bridge that gap is exhausting. It's very, very tiring and very exhausting to constantly be seeing shit like that.
But it's the way that it is. But I already know right now.
For me to get my dream house, I'm going to have to build it. I'm going to have to be in there with a pencil and little piece of paper and draw every single nook and cranny, corner, crevice, piece of molding on the ceilings and the walls.
I'm going to have to get so detail-oriented into everything for it to even get close to the potential of what my actual dream house would be. Then you got to bring in the financial aspect.
I'm going to need a trillion dollars to get my house exactly how I want it. So then you got to accept that limitation of like, okay, the money thing, wherever I'm going to be at financially when I go to build a house.
That's another thing to take into consideration. It's like another limit for the desire that I have for the potential it could be.
And it's like, damn, but I have blown past a lot of limits that I've had. And that's an encouraging thing.
And it's something I have to remind myself of a lot is like, you think it's a limit, it's not you could blow past it easily. So there's always a sense of encouragement that comes after the discouragement, but I have to choose it and find it, you know? Now the other thing I want to talk about is asking people to do things for me.
Delegating is the number one worst thing you could ask me to do. I hate it.
When I say it hurts, when I have to ask people for things and they disappoint me, it is 10 times more painful because I do not ask people for help unless I need their help or I need someone for something. So you best believe anything I could do myself, I do it.
Absolutely. Because I got the vision.
I know my taste. I know my standards I want to get to.
I know nobody's got the vision and got that I, like I do, for things. I have a life of experience that shows you got to do it yourself if you want it done right.
But there are certain things in life where you absolutely do need other people. And I exhaust myself with every potential option of me doing it myself before I go to somebody so everybody in my life knows if I'm asking for help or I'm asking for anything it's not negotiable I need it and it's not like oh you know how people like you have to baby them it's like you could tell them okay well have you tried this this and this everybody knows I already fucking tried it I already tried it.
I already tried it. I've already Googled it.
I've already tech supported it. I've already, every single thing you could try, I've tried it.
If I can't figure it out, I need you. All right, come here, help.
But the reason it hurts so bad is because when I have an idea for how I want something to be, and I already limit that to what I see as achievable, when I have something come up where I'm literally stopped on my path going toward it and I need help to get to it, when I ask someone for help, you best believe I do every fucking thing in my power to help them help me. I communicate as crystal clear as possible.
For me to give instructions to somebody and for them to fuck up, I know every single thing was external circumstance. It was not me.
If there ever is a situation where it's me, I fully will learn and take note of it for the future. But it's very, very hard to not get to the achievement that I want if I have somebody else helping me.
When it doesn't work or their help makes things worse or there's nothing they can do, it hurts so much worse because it's that level of disappointment with the powerlessness. It's like this thing I want to get to, I need somebody.
And I've done every single thing in my control to get there at a roadblock. I got to go find somebody else.
And it just adds more time. And it's like that resistance of like, I just want to goddamn get there.
Like, I just want to get to the thing. You know, I have a very, very high tolerance to disappointment.
I live with it every single day. But when it comes to situations like that, where I actually need somebody and I get disappointed, that hurts 10 times worse.
Because like I said, it's the powerlessness in it. But that emotion is like borderline crippling of that disappointment with the powerlessness laid up under it.
Oh, it's the worst. Because then it's like the hopelessness also of getting to the thing that I want.
What the fuck is supposed to do now? I'm already seeing potentials for it. but more time is now needed.
More people, more resources, more attempts, more this, more that. It's like that whole thing of like, you see how difficult something's going to be and then you get disheartened and it's like, ugh.
But then you know, well, not getting to that is not an option. I have to do it.
So you just got to do it and you got to get through the shitty part. Now, the last thing I'm going to add in this episode about the way my brain is with the whole perfectionism thing.
With people with substances, people typically prefer uppers or downers. I have always preferred an upper.
I don't like no downer at all. I like uppers because my brain is going so fucking fast all the time.
When I'm on an upper or I take a substance that makes me speed up, I feel physically faster. So I feel like I can keep up with my brain.
It's a weird thing of like getting them on the same page. Substances are not ever a good idea.
I don't want to push them or promote them ever. But that's one thing that kind of clicked and made sense for me was like, why I like uppers and I don't like downers at all.
If I'm doing a downer, I'm at home. I'm going to sleep.
It's not like I want to take a Xanax and go out or like garden and go out in public. That's my worst nightmare.
Another random little examples that will kind of make sense to other people who deal with this. When I was in high school, my whole thing with like high school is like you have these certain classes you have to take and you get it done.
I was always like, okay, so if I can speed it up, I will. So there was a summer course I could take to do an English class, like a senior English class so I could get my English credit out of the way.
So I took the summer course. I finished the class in two weeks in summer school because you could do it as fast as you wanted.
I finished the whole entire semester of the English credit in two weeks, and I passed with an A. And my teacher was like, what the hell? How did you do it? And I was like, girl, I just did it.
Like, I'm on summer vacation. I don't got nothing else to do.
So I did my schoolwork. Like, I just sat there for two weeks and just did all the material.
And she was like, oh, my God, congrats. And that's another situation.
I was like, what the fuck do you mean congrats? Like, I did what was supposed to be done. Like, I had a goal to finish fast.
Okay, I did it. I didn't look at it like it was extra work or overachieving.
And that's another thing. I don't look at most things as overachieving.
It's my baseline normal. So I didn't look at that in nothing special.
I was like, okay, I got the credit done early. Whoa.
Like that's another just example of how my fucking brain works. But that's kind of it for this episode.

I just wanted to talk about this and explain perfectionism and my little quirks and how I kind of live with it and deal with it from an aspect that I haven't heard anyone else talk about.

If you relate to it, know you're not alone.

That was my whole point of trying to make this is like for other people who think like this, you ain't by yourself.

We all kind of nuts.

But if you enjoyed this episode and you're listening to the audio version, don't forget to hit the by yourself. We all kind of nuts.
But if you enjoyed this

episode and you're listening to the audio version, don't forget to hit the download button. That helps me a ton.
Thank you. It's the most important thing.
If you're watching this on YouTube, hit subscribe if you're new. Leave me a comment.
Let me know what you thought. Maybe a little thumbs up too if you want.
Also, like I said, merch, you can still pre-order it if you want. The link is in the description.
It's leoskeppicollection.com. Go order what you want.
so I know how much to order.

But the slides still are in stock.

All the clothing is gone. The link is in the description.
It's leoscupycollection.com. Go order what you want.
So I know how much to order.

But the slides still are in stock.

All the clothing is gone.

That all sold out.

But the slides are in stock now, so they'll ship instantly if you buy them.

But yeah, that's it.

Everything else you need from me will be in the description.

Everybody be safe.

Take care of yourself, you little overthinking perfectionist little shit.

And I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.