Episode 108 - Beef Call Update

Hello, Benjamin Partridge here.

I make Beef and Dairy Network podcast.

Or is it the Beef and Dairy Network podcast?

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I should probably work out what the podcast is called.

If you want to acronym it, it's Baden Up, or is it Tabaden Up?

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Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved.

or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and a printed magazine.

Brought to you by Glando Grecian Chern Glandogert.

Now, obviously, usually the podcast is released once a month.

Or if you're listening on an oil rig or in Turkish prison, you'll receive them in 12-month bundles dropped from a helicopter.

And of course, we released an episode last week, but what you're listening to now isn't an episode in the conventional sense, more an important update about the future of our weekly live quiz live stream, which takes place every Wednesday afternoon on the network website.

That's right.

It's Beef Call.

Over the years, we've had various problems with the phone number we give out for prospective quizzes to call.

Some of the numbers were deemed too long and hard to remember, some so short as to be blunt, and one was problematic because if you were in France, it called the police.

So we've decided to scrap it entirely.

Now, if you'd like to compete on Beef Call, you must simply write us a letter and post it to us and if you're successful, we'll call you.

So get a pen and paper ready.

Here comes the new address for Beef Call.

Wherever you're standing, turn to face the sun and keep walking.

That's right.

Keep going.

You'll know when to stop when five golden eagles circle in the sky.

Directly beneath their whirling wings, you'll find a deep fissure in the ground.

Lower yourself through this aperture and you'll find yourself in a vast subterranean grotto.

Down there are animals who have not seen the light of the sun for over 20 millennia, and as such, they have evolved to have no head, lungs, liver, or anus.

Beware, the assless blind cave wolf.

In the obsidian dark, use your hands to feel your way through the passages which make up this giant underground labyrinth.

You're getting closer now.

Can you feel the cool wind on your face?

Or is that the icy breath of an assless wolf?

And if it is the breath of an assless blind jaundiced cave wolf, how does it breathe?

When it doesn't have lungs or a mouth or an anus

Spend too long thinking about these questions, and the guild, assless, blind, jaundiced cave wolf will be upon you, tearing at your neck with not its jaws, because it doesn't have a head, or lungs, or a liver, or an anus.

But whatever it does, it'll be horrible.

Follow the source of the breeze, and with luck you will find your way out, blinking naked.

into the sun.

There you'll be met by a natural spring with crystal clear cool water.

Here you must drink deep, for many arid days lie ahead as you cross the desert plains which stand between you and Aylesbury.

So simply write that on an envelope, put your phone number inside the envelope, and we'll call you.

And on that call, we'll give you a number for you to ring us.

It's as simple as that.

And this week, one of the lucky few was Sandra from Newcastle.

Hello, what's your name?

Where are you calling from?

Hello.

Hello, my name's Sandra and I'm from Newcastle.

Hello, Sandra.

What keeps you busy up there in Newcastle?

Well, I've got

kids, lots of them.

A few cats, some dogs, and mice, but they're not pets.

That's just a problem I've got.

Okay, why don't you give a nice shout-out to your kids?

Hello.

You're all alright there?

I've left you with your dad, so God knows what made happen.

That's the triplets, and then the last one, it was a mistake.

Big shout-out to the last one.

What's his name?

We didn't bother in the end.

Okay, now you're gonna play a game called Beat the Bell.

Oh,

and you are playing for the potential prize of a basket of fragranced sachets

and a small bottle of Bailey's Irish cream.

Oh, that is tremendous.

That's lovely.

You know, mother of four, lots of pets.

I don't get much time to myself.

I cannot wait to go mad with that small bottle of Bailey's and as many sachets as can fill me nostrils.

Wonderful.

Well, you'll be playing Beat the Bell.

The rules of Beat the Bell are quite simple.

But do listen carefully, okay?

I'm going to ask you a series of questions.

But

at any time, I could ring my bell.

Oh,

what happens when you ring a bell?

Okay,

so do you want those rules again?

Just some clarification on that, that last one, that bell there.

Okay, so

you'll be asked a series of questions,

which you must try and get correct.

Yep.

However,

at any moment, I could ring my bell.

Oh, but is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I just want to just want to check that upfront because I am really going mad for them sashes.

Okay, question one.

You didn't really...

Okay, great.

What is the capital city of Germany?

Oh, well,

I've been there on Google Maps and I believe that that one is Berlin.

Correct.

First question, correct.

Question two.

What is the colloquial name given to the orca?

The orca.

The orca.

That is the killer wheel, killer wheel.

Black and white.

Toon-toon, black and white army of whales.

That's correct.

Oh, brilliant.

One step closer to those fragranced sachets and of course that small bottle of Bailey's Irish cream.

Luxury.

Oh, well, that bell's gone.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I don't know whether it'll be excited or not there.

Do I need to bong back?

Will that make the questions come back there?

Oh, that's what I've gone.

No,

could you just clarify what the bell going off means?

So I've just rung my bell there, Sandra.

You heard that?

Yeah, I did, yeah.

So concentrate on this next question.

Do I need to concentrate because the bell has put the question in jeopardy?

Somewhat, is it now a bonus question?

Is that what the bell means?

Does that change a normal question into a bonus question?

Does it mean if I get this one wrong, I lose everything?

Is it somehow a double in points?

Could you just explain what

the presence of the bell?

Question three.

Complete the full title of the Beach Boys song, Surfin',

What?

Well,

you see now, I do know the answer, but I am scared to give that answer.

Now the bell's gone a few times because I could have...

Oh, and there it is again.

Oh, there's that bloody bell.

Could you just tell us what the bell means?

Because I'm starting to get a little bit panicked.

It's slightly mad, actually, there, because you're not really explaining the bell itself.

The bell keeps going.

I've heard it there a few times.

But I'd like to know quite clearly from you, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Because it's surf in USA.

It's it will know it's surf in USA.

Correct.

That's correct.

Third question.

Correct.

Lovely.

Well done, Sandra.

Thank you so much.

Could you explain what that bell keeps going for?

Because

I don't know if I'm going to end up with one sachet here or too many for me.

House.

It's already quite full of children.

Right, I did hear that bell again then.

What's happening here is I keep asking you about that bell, and you're not clarifying it.

I don't know if every time it goes and I bring the bell up, that somehow works.

There it is, a girl.

Right, I really am going to need a straight answer on that, but no, no.

Oh, Sandra, Sandra, Sandra, I'm sorry,

you've been beaten by the bell.

You were trying to beat the bell, but you've been beaten by the bell.

Well, yes, I have haven't clearly been beaten by the bell because no one explained to us what the bell was, what the function of the bell was.

So, yeah, the bell has won, but the bell had held all the cards there, didn't it?

Really?

The bell held the cards in that game.

Is that the point of the game?

Is that the point of the game just to wake up women?

Do you know how much time I get to myself?

Did you understand?

Do you understand what I've had to do to come and play this tonight?

So, yes, those fragrance sachets and of course that small bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream are now out of your grasp, unfortunately.

That's fucking terrific.

Thanks.

Thanks so much.

Fucking beat your own bell.

See you, Sandra.

Hi.

Beefcall.

Beefcall.

Hello, caller.

Who are you and where are you from?

Greetings.

I am King Penegor of the Lowland Folk, son of Grobo, vanquisher of the cave beasts of Mount Galdor, and heir to the lands of Anasha and the enchanted emerald mines of Boone.

And I'm calling from the shores of the Black Lakes of Gimbador.

Ah, yes, King Penegor, you are a former Beefcall contestant.

I believe in the past you've played, beef or bust.

A dark day for my kingdom.

I wagered the entire wealth of my people and lost, plunging the lowlands into a dark age, the likes of which had not been seen since the sacking of Pandano by the cloud wraiths of the purple hills of the east.

Children roam the streets in rags and breakfast on horses' piss.

Okay, so am I to assume that you want to play again?

I want to once more face beef or bust, vanquish my past, and regain the fortunes of my kinsfolk.

And tonight, when I return to the castle with the inheritance of our forefathers, we will feast like never before.

I have already slaughtered over 1,000 head of forest beeves.

Right, well, obviously, I'd love for you to be able to eat all that forest beef.

So I'm happy to give you another go.

What do you think went wrong last time for you, King Penagor?

I was foolish.

I entered into a film quiz without any knowledge of what a film was.

I had never seen these intoxicating moving pictures before.

That's right.

Now, I believe we've managed to find a clip of your appearance.

We can just play it now.

In the film Gone with the Wind, what famous line does Clark Gable say as he leaves the house at the end of the film?

I'm sorry.

I don't know.

What is film?

Let's see if that's correct.

Bust.

Oh, sorry.

You've gone bust.

No!

Sorry, that's not the right answer.

The answer was, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

I bet you're kicking yourself now, aren't you?

And of course, now you've lost the entire wealth of your kingdom.

What have I done?

I curse thee, sir.

That was the lowest moment in my dynasty's history.

And that includes when the scorpion priests of Askarmuth cursed my uncle Danagor to shit pine cones for a thousand years.

Yes, so as you said, you would like to have another chance.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

Because you did show your complete lack of film knowledge last time you were on the show.

Draw near.

Let me tell you a tale.

After my embarrassing display on your quiz, I returned to my kingdom.

But something drew me here, to the Black Lakes.

When I arrived, the Black Witch of Gimbador appeared to me.

King Penagore,

you have traveled long across the dry plains of Sanabar, through the Elkin Pass and the salt caves of Tinaron.

Here on the shores of the Black Lakes of Gimbador, you will be rewarded.

What rewards can you furnish me with, sweet Enchantress?

I have concocted a broth, foul to the taste which will slow down time in such a way that in just a second you will be able to watch every moving picture ever created.

Then you may return to Beef Call, take on the film quiz and win back the treasures of your people.

Yes, witch, yes.

However, there is one condition.

In order to imbibe my enchanted broth, you must cut off your own arm.

Really?

Yes.

Okay.

I'm very sorry to curse in front of you, witch, but fuck!

As the blood sprays from your armhole, I shall take your arm and use it to stir the broth.

Once you have drunk the broth, time will slow down such that you will be able to watch every motion picture ever made on this portable DVD player in what will seem to the rest of the world like the blink of an eye.

Yes, sweet witch.

Enjoy yourself.

I would recommend starting with something good like the DreamWorks movie Ants.

I have heard the bards talk of ants.

And of course, I have seen the sumptuous ants' tapestries in the Temple of Grune.

Some people say it's unfortunate that it came out at the same time as A Bug's Life.

But I think we should just be grateful for that period where we could go to the cinema and watch two very good CGI movies about insects.

It's not a competition.

We were all winning.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

So, are you telling me that you've watched every film ever made?

That is correct.

It has taken me over 6,000 years.

My beard has grown long and grey, and my scrotum is gnarled and pocked with deep craters.

Uh

why?

I don't know.

right

I have seen every motion picture ever created some not so good some truly wonderful such as ants

great

I also liked the crudes

okay so uh this is beef or bust beef or bust

So first of all, what are you going to pledge?

In order to win that big prize, you need to pledge something of a similar gravity.

I have little to to offer, as my kingdom is penniless.

But I have entered into an agreement with the swamp elves of Sanagon, who will underwrite my quest with the profits from their sapphire mine.

And if I win, they will receive a portion of my bounty.

Gems, scrolls, the quartz hammer of the snake people.

And if you...

if you lose?

It is inconceivable that I shall lose.

But in that event, the the elves will tear me asunder from Anus to mouth, as they did to my mother, Gelgarth, the brothel queen of Antelore.

Okay, well, let's see what the computer says.

Yes, it's accepted that as your pledge.

Thank you, oh magic chest.

Let's play beef or bust.

Beef or burst.

Come on, Penegore.

So, like last time, it's a film quiz, and it's very simple once more.

Just one question?

Yes, yes, yes, spit it out.

Okay, here's your question.

In the movie, Jamandri, welcome to the jungle.

No!

Which actor plays the female lead character, Ruby Roundhouse?

Elves, ready thy hands for the tearing.

Curses!

I curse all of you!

Is everything okay, King Pennegore?

When I claimed to have seen every single motion picture, that was a slight untruth.

There are only two motion pictures I haven't seen.

One is Jumanji, Welcome to the Jungle.

The other is Jumanji, the next level.

I was so entranced by the original Jumanji that I felt it disrespectful to watch the needless remakes.

I think, strictly speaking, they're

sequels rather than remakes.

It matters not.

Jumanji was perfect and did not need adding to.

I mean, that's unfortunate for you, but you can still give an answer.

Maybe you can have a guess.

Who played Ruby Roundhouse?

Alright.

Is it

Sandra Bullock?

Burst.

I'm sorry, King Penegore.

You've gone burst.

No.

It was, of course, Karen Gillen.

Of course.

Karen Gillen.

Curses.

A pox on your household.

Yeoman of the damned, bedfellow of the wicked!

May the halls of the afterlife be decorated with your entrails!

May hogs eat your eyes!

Go, forgive me, lowland folk!

Your king is a fool.

You'll be better off without me.

Govern thyselves, lowland folk.

Your king is the most pathetic jester that ever capered upon this silver globe.

Well, obviously, there's a lot of big emotions flying around King Pandigore, but uh...

Oh, I see the witch before me.

Sweet witch.

King Penagor.

I shall convey you to the elven folk, who shall tear you mouth to anus.

Foul witch, unhand me.

Do not resist, or I shall conjure lobsters to feast on your beleaguered testicles.

I curse thee by the nine red stars and the seven waxen moons of the western sky.

I will not sing your wicked song.

Come on, you old bastard.

I can feel their elven hands upon my anus.

Please spare me.

The lowland folk need their king.

No.

More after this.

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Back to the show.

Hello, Caller.

What's your name and where are you calling from?

Hello.

My name is James, and I'm calling from Plymouth.

And what do you do, James, down there in Plymouth?

I am a tractor seat relevator.

Oh, brilliant.

So

talk me through that.

So if somebody doesn't doesn't want to buy a whole new tractor seat when they've worn through the last one, they bring their tatty old seat to you.

Exactly.

Yeah.

We find that the environmental impact of tractor seats that are thrown into landfill is actually worse than the airline industry and fast fashion combined.

And so what we're trying to do is we're trying to have an ethical company that repairs, reuses, and renovates tractor seats to try and cut down on the carbon emissions of farming.

Oh, well, that's very noble of you.

And also, I guess there's that sense of like maybe you can breathe life into granddad's old seat that he's been farting through for 40 years and then you can you can have a go on it.

Well, you know, it's funny you say that because that was actually the first tractor seat I ever renovated was my grandfather's.

He sadly he passed away on the tractor.

He had a massive heart attack while he was riding the tractor and unfortunately passed a huge amount of wind as the life came out of his body.

And so he quite literally had left a sort of a very farty smell on the on the seat.

And so what we wanted to do with that.

Is there a chance, James, that that was his soul?

Well, I mean, there is a theory, isn't there, that, you know,

they say that the body is, I think it's seven pounds lighter when

you die.

And I do wonder, I mean, given the smell of the tractor seat, I think he probably had passed about seven pounds worth of flatulence that day.

And I guess then with that renovation of that particular tractor seat, you had a decision to make, really, which was, do we try and preserve that fug that would remind you of your grandfather, or do you, you know, try and get rid of it and bring that back to new?

That's a bit of a crossroads for you, isn't it?

It was a crossroads, and it was very difficult because, in terms of resale value, you want your refurbished tractor suit to smell as little of flatulence as possible.

But as you say, yeah, I mean, in terms of the

sentimental value and having a thing of his to hold on to at the end,

and to have.

Well, precisely.

I mean, I had tears in my eyes the whole time, but I don't know if that was the emotion or the smell of

the flatulence itself.

So it was very difficult.

and what what so what did he do in the end i flogged it on ebay

nice

okay so let's play the quiz um for you

you are about to come face to face with your chance to win a meal for two that's right we're playing feed my wife

feed my wife

Wow, that's so exciting.

It's a funny thing.

I've actually been wanting to take my wife out for dinner for a very long time.

And where's the restaurant?

Yeah, well, let's see if we can win you that meal for due.

That sounds very exciting.

Which restaurant is it?

Where is the meal?

So, are you ready to play?

Let's get that wife of yours fed.

Yeah, no, I am ready to play.

I just want to know why.

Just tell me the name of the restaurant and then we can move on to, but then I'll play the quiz.

I just want to know the name of the restaurant.

It's a very nice restaurant.

So let's go.

You're ready to play.

Let's start.

Okay.

Off you go.

Time's ticking.

Yeah, fine.

Okay.

So, just if what am I doing?

That meal's slipping away.

I don't.

Just tell me.

I don't understand why.

This is ridiculous.

Tell me.

Tell me.

What am I supposed to do?

Is there a quiz?

Is there a question?

What's the question?

Hello?

I don't understand.

What?

What?

What is What is this?

What is happening?

What do I have to do to win this meal?

I need this meal.

Please, I have to take my wife hat for dinner.

Our marriage is fraying.

She looks at me like I'm a stranger.

There's coldness in her eyes.

At our wedding, she disappeared with my brother for 20 minutes.

When she came back, her face was very red.

She was red-faced.

And I've not been able to stop thinking about it since.

Please.

She went on holiday on her own a couple of weeks ago.

And in our family calendar, she'd written the words, sex holiday.

What does that mean?

Please.

We have a son.

He looks like me, but he doesn't look like her.

Does that mean she's cheating?

I don't know.

Please just tell me how to play this competition.

I need...

My wife and I need this meal.

I think this meal is the only thing that could possibly save our marriage.

Sorry, you're out of time.

That's the end of your time.

What the fuck are you talking about?

How could I be out of time?

We haven't even started.

We can't stop.

I please, for fuck's sake, please, I'm begging you.

I need this.

I can hear a car pulling up on the drive now.

She's with her gym instructor.

He lives in the house with us.

His name's Ian.

I actually read it.

He's a good.

I like him.

He's alright.

He's not a bad guy.

But please, my marriage is in so much trouble.

James.

Last night I couldn't sleep because they were in the hot tub in the garden making a racket.

It was so loud.

It sounded like a fox fighting a bull.

It was disgusting.

The smell was coming in through the double glazing.

Well, I'm sorry, James.

It's goodbye from us, but I'd better luck with...

Heck my life.

Oh, God, please.

No, just give me one more chance.

Please, I need this meals.

I need to win this competition.

My marathon and tappers.

Please.

Okay, James.

Not to worry.

You've got a second chance.

We've got a second chance for you, James.

Oh, God.

Do you want to play Beat the Bell?

Beat

the bell.

Yes, please, I do.

I want to beat the bell for the meal.

I'll beat the bell for the meal.

Okay, the meal's gone, but you'll...

If you beat the bell, you'll win a hamper full of fragrant sachets and

a small bottle of Bailey's Irish cream.

Okay.

Yeah.

No, that's good.

I can work with that.

I can give her...

The sachet is a winner over, and she loves Baileys.

Okay, yeah, I can work with that.

I can do that.

Let's go.

I can do it.

What do I need to do?

So to play Beat the Bell, you're going to get a series of questions, okay?

But at any time, I can ring my bell.

Okay, right.

Fine.

Okay.

I can do that.

And what does the bell mean?

Okay, are you ready to start?

What does the bell mean?

Why won't you tell me...

Fine, forget it.

Forget it.

Just, yeah, I'll start.

Fine, go.

Okay, James.

Question one.

What is the capital city of Poland?

Warsaw.

Correct?

Okay, great.

Question two.

Yep.

Who was the Prime Minister immediately prior to Tony Blair?

John Major.

Correct.

Okay.

Question three.

What kind of bird is a macaw?

Oh, it's a parrot.

It's a parrot.

Correct, it's a parrot.

Yeah.

Okay, so that's the bell.

So that means I've won?

Is that right?

Okay, so I've rung the bell.

Yep, okay.

So I'm looking very carefully at what you're going to do next.

Well, what am I going to do?

I have to do something.

You've rung the bell so I have to do something.

Is that right?

Okay, question four.

What is the world's highest mountain?

What does the bell mean?

I'm asking...

Please, I need these fragrant sachets and a small bottle of Bailey's Irish cream.

Please, I need this for my marriage.

You don't understand.

It's completely on the rocks.

Mount Everest, by the way, is Mount Everest.

Now, please, can I just have the prize?

Correct.

Okay, great.

So, have I won?

Is that it?

Is it over?

What?

Does the bell...

Why are you ringing the bell again?

Is that...

I know that it's Mount Everest.

So I've won.

The bell means I've won.

Yes?

Or is it like a special round?

Are we in a different round now?

Or it's something else?

Is there another prize?

Is the meal back on the table?

Because if the meal is back on the table, that's a game changer for me.

Why are you ringing it again?

Sorry, James.

Sorry, James.

You failed to beat the bell.

No!

But I answered all the questions, please.

Please.

You didn't beat the bell, so I'm afraid those fragrant sachets and that small bottle of Berry Tarish cream have fallen out of your grasp.

No, no, no.

What now?

I need a good night's night's sleep.

I can't be kept awake anymore by the sound of my wife and Ian copulating in the back garden.

Please help me.

I need something.

Is there anyone you'd like to say hello to before we sign off?

I'll say hello to Ian.

Hi, Ian.

It's James from the house.

Hi, mate.

Honestly, you know, I think we'd get on if you weren't banging my wife.

And I can now reveal that that meal that you didn't win would have taken place at Pizza Express Plymouth.

No!

No, that's her favourite restaurant.

Just for you to know, it would have been the Pizza Express in the Barbican Leisure Park complex.

Yes.

It's her favourite restaurant in the world.

Of all the places she goes to, that's the one she loves the most in the Barbican Leisure Park.

Because there's bowling down there, there's cinema.

I know.

There's a gym.

There's so much.

There's so much.

There's a gym.

In fact, you know what?

She's there now with fucking Ian.

They'll do a workout at the gym and then they'll either go and see a film

or they'll go bowling.

I can't remember the last time we went bowling together.

And what does that tell you about our marriage?

Well, as they say, you know, a couple that bowls together grows old together.

Well, exactly.

That is what they say.

Yeah, yeah.

There's another man filling my shoes.

And those shoes are those red and black bowling shoes that you can get for the teenager behind the counter.

Thanks, James.

Yeah, whatever.

Hello, caller.

What's your name and where are you calling from?

Hello, my name's Derek Fingle.

I'm calling from Perrinporth in Cornwall.

What keeps you busy down there in Perrinporth in Cornwall?

Oh, strolling,

really.

Not really sort of hills and seaside strolling.

There's a lot of that in my neck of the woods.

So I quite like the sort of inland A-roads where there aren't many walkers and there's just a bit of agricultural traffic.

Do you ever find yourself on a dual carriageway, Derek?

Once or twice, yes, by accident.

Absolutely.

But they're a bit more roomy, actually, so there's a bit less, uh, bit less risk if a combine harvester passes.

Actually, that's the exciting place when you have to nip into a hedgerow.

I mean, for me, there's no greater thrill than walking down a dual carriageway.

Striding right down the central reservation.

Cars swerving, barping their horns.

And I'm drinking fizzy beef wine and flipping the bird at the police.

I look up and start firing my pistol at the helicopter.

Now, today you're going to be playing Beat the Bell.

But before we get onto the rules of Beat the Bell,

let's talk about your prize.

You have the chance to win.

A basket of fragranced sachets.

Wow.

And a small bottle of Bailey's Irish cream.

Oh, wonderful.

Oh, wonderful.

I love a creamy liqueur.

Wonderful.

Thank you.

Imagine drinking that as you walk along an A-road.

Oh.

Huffing from the fragrant sachets as you go.

Oh, lovely stuff.

Absolutely lovely.

And to win that, you'll be playing Beat the Bell.

Beep beep, beep beep beat.

Beat the bell.

Let me tell you the rules of Beat the Bell.

Okay.

So I'm going to ask you a series of questions that you must try and get right.

Right.

However,

at any moment, I I could ring my bell.

Oh,

okay.

Right.

And

when might you do that?

So I'll explain the rules again, shall I?

Well, now, well, yeah, well, it's really

I understood the first question bit, yes, and then the, but you said you might ring a bell.

Is that correct?

So, question one.

What happens when you ring a bell?

Come on, Derek.

Let's see how you do on question one.

So this is a simple one to start.

Okay.

What's the capital city of Spain?

Madrid.

That's That's correct.

Well then, you've got the first question right.

Well done, Derek.

It is Madrid.

Great.

Ever been to Madrid, Derek?

Oh, no, no, no.

I've been to Barcelona once, but that was fleetingly in a layover.

Well, it's just the airport

for about 17 hours.

What was that?

So I've rung my bell there for you, Derek.

Right.

Yes, you did mention the bell earlier on, but I wasn't quite sure

what would prompt you to ring the bell or

what it does, in fact, mean when you ring, as you say,

the bell.

What happens now?

Okay, question two.

How many centimeters

in a meter?

Think carefully, Derek.

How many centimeters in a meter?

Sorry, right.

This isn't a trick question.

It's 100.

I'm not.

Sorry, I'm confused.

Can I just ask again about the bell thing?

Does that impact on the...

I mean, obviously everyone, a child of three knows the answer to that question.

I wonder if there's

that does the bong does it mean something do I do I have to multiply the answer by something or say the answer.

So your answer you gave was 100?

Well yes, but I don't know which is correct.

Well then Derek that's the second question correct okay so it didn't it didn't affect the answer right okay I wasn't quite

right that is that's the that's the bell again isn't it yes I've rung my bell there for you Derek

is there something that I'm saying is there something that I is there some word some trigger word that I'm saying?

Hmm, that's interesting.

Clearly, you'd have to know what the bell means.

It's a little bit, I will admit it's a little bit unsettling.

I don't really know what it is,

or is it the impact of the bell exactly?

Do I still have the two questions right that I got before?

I'd love it if you could just answer me one of these questions, please.

I feel like I'm repeating the same question again and again, but I'm really not going to be sent out.

I don't know why you're ringing the bell in the first place and B, what impact the bell has.

Please, if you could just answer those questions, I'd be absolutely thrilled.

If you wouldn't mind, please.

Question three.

Right, yes.

Okay, but in the United Kingdom, who is the head of the Church of England?

Well, it's the monarch, isn't it?

I mean, again, these are very simple questions, but obviously there's King Charles at the moment, King Charles III, if you want to.

Correct!

What am I supposed to do?

I mean, you've rung the bell three or four times.

I mean, I don't know how many times.

I've lost track, in fact, of the number of times you've rung the bell now, but I don't understand what I...

What am I supposed to do about the bell?

What impact does the bell have please

I want my fragrant sachets do you understand

right

you listen to me now okay

yeah and remember right now you listen to me young man you may think you're just talking to some Cornish A-road rambler, but you are not.

You are talking to a third Dan Black Belt in Taekwondo.

A Commonwealth champion, I'll have you know.

96, Koala La Lumpur.

Got the bronze on a technicality.

Could have got gold, right?

For Scotland, that man to the side.

There's a man who was born in Dundee.

I lived there, well, temporarily until I was three and then back.

And briefly in my early teen.

You don't need to know that.

The point is, I can make mincemeat out of you.

Now, I don't know if you know that, Taekwondo, but it basically means I could come down to your little studio.

I could break through the door with my pinky.

Yeah, but non-dominant hand.

I could pick anything in that room and use it as a weapon, a deadly weapon, turn it into a weapon, include...

What does the bell mean, man?

Answer me!

I just...

I've got three questions right.

Have I got my sachets or not?

I've got my sachets.

I've got my paleies.

You bong me one more time.

You, you, you just bong me.

You see what happens.

You see what happens, mate.

If you just bong me one more time, I'll...

You see what happens.

I've never felt this angry.

I could snap your legs like twigs, do you understand?

I could snap your legs like dry biscuits.

I'm coming.

I don't know why I'm going to find you and I'm coming.

I'm telling you right now.

I'm on my way.

Linda, warm up the I-10.

It's okay.

Thank you.

Well,

luckily for you, my friend, uh,

Linda's warming up the I-10, so we have five minutes.

And uh...

Can't drive the high-end day colds, Derek.

People do, trust me.

But But uh,

they find themselves buying a brand new item four or five years later.

Uh, this bad boy's been going more than a decade.

I hope and trust it'll serve me until I die.

When I and my wife, Linda, will be buried in it.

Obviously, both of us are hoping to die first, but a deal is a deal.

So, Derek, Beat the Bell is ongoing.

We haven't finished your round yet.

Do you think you have what it takes to beat the bell?

Are you going to beat the bell, Derek?

Do you know what I?

Do you know what I think I am?

I've got a little idea, actually, for you.

So,

yeah, hit me with all you got.

More questions if you want them.

That's fine.

Bong all you like.

I'm ready for you.

Okay.

Derek, you've beaten the bell.

You've beaten the bell.

The bell has shattered into a million pieces.

It turns out the way to beat the bell is to

shout bong-ho.

Was that a taekwondo thing?

Taekwondo is not about fists and kicking.

It is ultimately about the power of the mind.

Particularly Scottish taekwondo, the Scottish variant of taekwondo, which is deeply, deeply cerebral.

And so you were able to access that then and let out,

well, a bong-ho?

I allowed the taekwondo to control me.

Well, the bell has shattered into a million pieces and the pieces have been spread

across the four corners of the earth.

Anyone who finds those pieces and reunites them will become more powerful than any man has ever been.

But in the meanwhile, you've won that basket of fragranced sachets.

Thank you.

And of course, that small bottle of Bailey's Irish cream.

Many thanks, Derek.

Thank you.

Enjoy your sachets.

Thank you, Ochelle.

Linda,

reseve the item.

Beefcall.

Beef Call.

Beef, beef call.

So that's just a flavor.

of the kind of thing that happens on Wednesday afternoons, every Wednesday, over on the network website, the Beef Call Quiz live stream.

If you like the sound of what you heard and you think that maybe you could beat the bell or take on Beef or Bust or get your wife fed, remember all you have to do is send your phone number through the post to our address.

And that address again is wherever you're standing, turn to face the sun and keep walking.

That's right, keep going.

You'll know when to stop when five golden eagles circle in the sky.

Directly beneath their whirling wings, you will find a deep fissure in the ground.

Lower yourself down through this aperture and you will find yourself in a vast subterranean grotto.

Down there there are animals who have not seen the life of the sun for over 20 millennia, and as such, they have evolved to have no head, lungs, liver, or anus.

Beware the Astlas Blind Cave Wolf.

In the Obsidian Dark, use your hands to find your way through the passages which make up this giant underground labyrinth.

You're getting closer now.

Can you feel the cooled wind on your face?

Or is it the icy breath of an astlus wolf?

And if it is the breath of an asthless blind jaundice cave wolf, how does it breathe when it doesn't have lungs or a mouth or an anus?

Spend too long thinking about these questions and the guild astlas blind jaundice cave wolf will be upon you tearing at your neck with well not its jaws because it's another head or lungs or a liver an anus but whatever it does it will be horrible.

Follow the source of the breeze, and with luck, you will find your way out, blinking naked into the sun.

There you'll be met by a natural spring with crystal-clear cool water.

Here you must drink deep for many arid days lie ahead as you cross the desert plains which stand between you and Aylesbury.

So, until next time, bong-ho.

Thanks to Cameron Smith, Sammy Dobson, Tom Crowley, Gemma Arrowsmith, Max Davis, and Mike Wozniak.

Also, thanks to you for listening.

And this is my final little Max Fun Drive bit.

Do consider going to maximumfun.org forward slash join.

I'm so grateful for everyone who supports this show.

And I want to say a huge thank you to all of you.

Max Fun Drive stuff that's happening this week.

If you're listening to this as it goes out, on Tuesday, which I guess is the 26th of March at 8 p.m.

UK time, I'm doing a Twitch stream.

That will be Askovet with Bob Truscothek.

And then on Wednesday, which is the 27th, at the same time, 8pm UK time, I'll be doing a Twitch stream with Professor James Harkham.

That's Ask a Historian.

So do tune in for those.

You'll have to work out what time that is in your time zone if you're not in the UK.

And the way to find those is twitch.tv forward slash Benjamin Partridge.

Right.

I'm going to shut up about this now for a whole year.

But before I go, I just want to say thanks to all of you who support, who are considering supporting this year.

And I know that a lot of you won't and don't feel you're able to.

And obviously, that's totally fine.

And maybe if you wanted to help out the podcast in your own way, you could recommend it to a friend.

Or project the podcast art onto the side of Big Ben.

Or Sydney Opera House.

But you know, I'm talking like tier one

kind of postcard-worthy touristic attractions.

So in the US, you're talking, I don't know,

what have you got over there?

The Lincoln Memorial?

I don't even know what that is.

Is that the big Abraham Lincoln who comes alive at night?

I don't know.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me.

Goodbye.