Episode 98 - Hogball Goes Professional

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Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network Podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as the printed magazine, brought to you by Lactobulk.

Now, if you are a regular listener to the podcast, you may remember that two years ago we spoke to former bovine dress ars champion turned sports entrepreneur William Hester about his plans to professionalize the traditional English folk sport of hogball.

In association with Hyundai.

A simple game, which doesn't actually feature a ball, in which two teams of five on cowback brandishing jousting lances compete to chase a pig into a hole.

It began in the early medieval period as a sport where two teams of local common folk would chase a witch into a pit.

In fact, what many people don't realize is that almost all modern sports began in a similar way.

For example, the modern Olympic hepatathlon grew out of a traditional May Day event in which competitors had to outrun a witch, jump over a witch, throw a witch, and then run 100 meters while jumping over 10 evenly spaced witches.

William believed that with the right amount of investment, the modern sport of hogball in association with Hyundai could rival the popularity of football's Premier League.

And just two years later, I'm pleased to report that with huge injections of money from his major sponsors Korean car giant Hyundai and the actor David Dikovny, Hester has made his dream a reality.

In fact, Hyundai signed the biggest sponsorship deal of all time, and in return for their investment, every time the word hogball in association with Hyundai is said in public media, it is followed by the following piece of audio.

In association with Hyundai.

See?

Hogball.

In association with Hyundai.

Hogball.

In association with Hyundai.

If you live in the UK, you may have noticed that 20 brand new gigantic hogball

stadia have gone up across Britain, and 20 new hogballs

teams have been established, including the Northampton Lance Wizards, a team owned entirely by David D'Acovney himself.

With his investment, a new 200,000-seater stadium called Gillian Anderson Park has been built and it was here where the first match of the new professional HBL took place when the Lance Wizards took on the South Exeter Hoof Captains last month.

We'll speak to William later, but first I spoke to someone who was part of that 200,000-strong throng, Sandy Willis, a man from Northampton who lives with his father, Chris, a lifelong hogball.

In association with Hyundai.

Fanatic.

You know, he's such a fan of hogball.

In association with Hyundai.

I think, like, he never thought that we'd see the day when hogball

became a professional pursuit, you know, that we could go to a proper league with all the, you know, all the rasma towers around that.

We never thought we'd see this day.

So I thought, you know what?

I think this will be special for him.

I'll get him some tickets.

So talk to me about your father's relationship with hogball.

In association with Hyundai.

I believe he is

a passionate amateur practitioner of hogball.

In association with Hyundai.

Well, of course, he's now largely coaching

at the age of 67.

It's not a great game to be playing.

But no, he played it all his life in the amateur leagues.

Yeah, so he's loved it for a long time.

Now, Sandy, you yourself...

Don't play hogball.

In association with Hyundai.

Was there pressure from your father to share his passion for the sport?

Yeah, there was a pressure.

I think it was hoped that

as his only son, I would go into hogball.

In association with Hyundai.

After him.

But

I couldn't.

I couldn't.

I had a condition.

I have a condition.

I have a very specific phobia.

It's called

helixatrypophobia.

And that's a fear of spirals.

I can't look at a spiral.

without being really overcome by fear.

So obviously, I can't be behind a pig uh because of those tails the spirally tail yeah especially the idea of that spiral sorry if this will affect you that spiral

would you mind actually not saying spiral could you use a different word

the um

the kind of circular

um nature of of the tail that itself then spinning as the pig spins down the hole creates a kind of double helix absolutely i could and that's it so that even if i could like gather myself together to play

well

I know that a victory, if I'm involved in that victory, is going to double my fear.

How can you celebrate at that point when

you're pretty much vomiting on the back of a cow?

So I can't play.

But I can watch it because

you can pick your angle.

And it's really just

that sort of circular view down a spiral, which is the problem.

I can look at one from the side and that's fine.

So you could look at a tornado, for example.

Oh, I could look at a tornado, no problem.

But if I got sucked into the tornado, I'd be very scared.

I'd be very scared, you know.

When it became clear that you had this problem, was your father disappointed that you had this phobia and that you weren't able to do what he loved to do?

Disappointed is a strong word.

Um,

he would sort of,

whenever I would say, oh,

I can't do that, or whenever the topic would come up, he would sort of huff.

There'd be a like a

so I, you know, I can't read exhales, but that's what he'd do.

So I don't think he certainly wasn't delighted about it.

I mean, my

I had a friend, I had a school friend, actually, quite a good friend.

He'd be round a lot after school, things like that, you know, come around and we'd play

duck hump together on the Nintendo thing.

And

and then

him martin he did take up amateur hogball in association with hyundai and actually my dad really took him under his wing like would take him along every sunday really started cheering martin got sort of was his biggest fan really really facilitated martin's career and i think that did cause a bit of a rift there was certainly a distance between me and my dad because he was spending the lion's share of his free time with martin hoping to get into his father's good books sandy resolved to buy tickets for them both to attend the world's first professional hogball in association with Hyundai fixture.

I see the,

I think it was in the back page of a magazine.

It said, finally, hogball.

In association with Hyundai.

And I read it and I thought, oh my god.

And in fact, I remember exactly.

I saw that tickets were available because it said tickets available.

And I saw it and I thought, I can make dad love me.

Simple as that.

Simple as that.

Simple as that.

However, the tickets were so sought after that all 200 000 sold out through the website in under a minute luckily for sandy though he knew of another way to secure tickets there's a guy uh in the pub

um

don't know surname he sort of goes by long fingers jimmy and he will

he sort of dares you to do things

in exchange for things that he has and he always seems to have everything so I got you know decades ago got a DVD of the matrix off him by

I think I had to lick the

lick the cubicle lick the cubicle not the not the lavatory itself you know right

oh so he's a kind of dare merchant yeah he says oh well I'll yeah maybe I'll give it to you if I dare you

to and then he says the thing he dares you to do and so you go oh I don't really want to do that it's never nice dares well it was once actually once there was a kind of um oh well i dare you to have a nice sit down and i thought right oh is this a trick it wasn't i had a nice sit down and then he gave me the he gave me the dvd that i was after so it's mainly dvds

it's just any entertainment it just happened to be dvd that time as well lots of entertainment things dvds cassette tapes back in the day uh theater tickets i i got a ticket to the touring production of mary poppins because i was willing to um shout out a window I've just farted out this window.

He's not he's not the most inventive guy.

And do the do the kind of um the dares

get bigger in magnitude comp compared to the popularity of the yeah of the understatement.

So absolutely no correlation.

Oh, really?

Yeah, the the things that he's made people do for like really available products.

Wow.

And then at the same time, you know, he he got he got like a jump for queue ticket to the Queen's lying in state and to do that all katie had to do was um say actually i like you very much jimmy you're a good friend so he's a real agent of chaos this guy he is that's it exactly he's a kind of lord of misrule agent of chaos type he's like the joker in the dark knight or dale winton in supermarket sweep he's got a kind of goblin vibe

he is goblin but he's very handsome it's strange he's he's got he's got goblin energy but to look at him you'd think like well you must have an upstanding job and a a really good life.

And does he?

He hasn't.

I should say he hasn't.

I've no idea.

He's a real enigma, to be honest.

I mean, he gets all this stuff somehow, so I guess he's at least independently wealthy.

I should ask him about himself sometime, actually.

I've never really just sat down with him and had a chat.

And can I just ask?

So, my wife, Margaret, her mother

is a huge fan of Jersey Boys.

I mean, unbelievable.

The lengths to which her life is orientated around that musical is absolutely staggering.

I meant to be going next weekend to Jersey Boys.

I said I'd bought the tickets.

I haven't seen it.

I haven't bought the tickets.

And now it's sold out because people are absolutely obsessed with this show.

And I don't know why.

Why are they so obsessed?

No, no, I do get it.

The music is good.

No, the music is good.

No, I do get it, actually.

I'm sorry.

It's superb.

It's superb.

I'll see what I can do.

I'll send Jimmy a text.

So, there's anything this guy can do.

How many tickets do you need?

So, it's me, wife, two kids,

Margaret's mother, and she's bringing her new,

she's in a menage, she's in like a new menage a trois with two elderly gentlemen.

Polyamorous thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think she's getting to that.

Right, yeah.

So, seven.

Yeah, so there's at least two, I think, gentlemen that she's going to bring, but she could,

as you say,

spare.

You want one spare?

yeah exactly you don't know the size of the polycule okay um well i'll i'll message to me about that i'll see what he

what he he he well if he has them and then if he does have them what what you need to do yeah like if i have to like shut my dick in a car door or something like

i feel like i want me to propose that do you want me to suggest i don't know it feels like i'm too much the author of my own demise if you say this well i mean i he he that is one he uses i did that once i did that once um what did he get I got tickets to hearsay

yeah so I don't want to like put that in his head because

so don't mention the the do you want me to allude to it I like I don't know why I said I don't really know why

it brought down to the conversation to be honest right yeah

well I won't mention it

shall I say anything car door related dot dot dot question mark or is that too no because I feel like it suggests itself doesn't it right do you I sorry I may have got the wrong stick do you want to shut your dick in a car car door?

No, I want to see Jersey Boys with my family.

Oh, well, I don't think he's going to be willing.

He's, yeah, he's not going to be willing to take that as a dare because that's what you're asking.

No, he ends on that.

Yeah, no,

I don't really want to do any of the dares.

I sort of in a corner here.

It feels like this guy.

You want him to come up with a dare?

I don't know because you know him better than I do.

I've drafted this.

I've drafted the message.

Okay.

It says,

friend wants eight tickets to Jersey Boys next weekend.

Stalls, probably, like decent tickets.

Okay,

okay, I've just written that in.

Stalls,

what's the circle's fine as well?

Well, which it I'll say stalls and then see, you know, because he does sometimes like to bargain.

Dare, question mark, question mark, and I'll send that.

Yeah,

yeah, how quickly is he gonna get back?

Like, sometimes it's oh, yeah, straight away.

Yeah, he has eight tickets.

Dare

in capitals, colon,

he's got to shut his dick in a car door.

Okay.

How did he know that?

How did he know?

That's a real coincidence.

That's a real.

The universe is a

really strange.

Strange race.

That's amazing.

To be fair, that is one of his favourite dares.

That is, that's, that's like one in two, I think he goes for the dick in the car door.

As I say, he's not very inventive.

I mean, I think, to be honest, you know, if I can bite down on

a wooden spoon or something, I think

it's not the end of the world.

I'd say this, like, I would say, is it all right if he bites down on a wooden spoon?

But then he'll say no.

Whereas if you just don't mention it, it will probably be fine.

And to be honest, like the thought of my

wife's mother carrying on with

that group of guys, I mean, that makes me honest.

Slammy.

Slam my dinner in the cardo anyway.

So

yeah,

maybe you should see someone to talk about that because I don't see why you should really have any issues with your mother-in-law's sex life.

I mean, she's not your mother.

No, it's just like, do I have like, she'll stay in our house.

Uh-huh.

With them.

With them.

In the spare room?

Like, how do you do that bed-wise?

How big's the bed?

They just take the patio.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Fill a paddling pool with sweet honey mustard mayo, salad dressing, open a box of wine and just, you know, get on with it.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Anyway, that's my life.

Let's talk about your life.

So you...

You ask Longfinger Jimmy for the tickets.

He says, sure.

He obviously issues you with the dare.

What was it?

I had to get four packs worth of tinned black olives up my arsehole.

So I did that.

Did he provide the

olives?

Yeah, you know, he's a generous man.

He paid for them.

He provided them to me.

He gave me the can opener to get it open, and he lent me his funnel.

You can't say fairer than that, can you?

No.

No,

he's a good egg.

He's a good egg.

A really weird man.

We'll hear more from Sandy later.

But first, it's time to hear from William Hester, the man behind the world's first professional hogball

league, the HBL.

I started by asking him how he feels about the way in which the actor David D'Akovny has become in the public face of the league, maybe overshadowing William's own contribution.

Yeah,

I think people...

You know, there's a lot of people involved, aren't there?

There's a lot of people involved.

And obviously, some people will get more

credit or be more talks about than others.

But I'm not, I've never been about putting myself front and centre.

What matters to me is that it happens.

If one of the side effects of hogball

starting to really take a hold in this country is people talking more about David DiCoffny.

Best known, of course, for The X-Files.

And Beethoven.

And the film Beethoven, of course.

Then, you know, 10 years ago, if that, as a situation had been described to me, I'd have thought, this sounds absolutely mad.

How are these things connected?

But if that is now one of the sort of side effects, then

I'm happy about that in a way, because it means that the Hogball

League is happening.

So the rumours aren't true that there's a power struggle at the heart of Hogball

between yourself and David DiGovini and his team?

You know, he is the public face for that.

If that's how it is, that's how it is.

But

I don't want you to think for a moment that it makes me even slightly angry.

Not even slightly angry.

William has raised an estimated £60 billion in the last two years to set up the league.

The majority of this money has gone into the construction of 20 brand new, gigantic hogballs in association with Hyundai Stadia.

And they are new.

It's not like that sort of hospital situation where people would

fit a new ramp at the back of an existing hospital and say, oh, look, we built a new hospital, only 39 more to go.

They are brand new.

We

went round, we knocked on people's doors, we insisted we buy their homes.

Their homes were then razed to the ground, and we built

for the benefit of the community

that we had

was displaced,

these new stadia.

You know, and they are each and every one is

they are cathedrals.

they are fantastically well designed i think there are names that people have been banding about for too long um

wren

that people will actually stop thinking now because hello some new boys are in town and crikey look what they've knocked up do you think that you know um st paul's cathedral for example will will be in the shadow Well, it's now literally in the shadow of one of your new stages.

It's literally in the shadow, isn't it?

Of, yeah, where the Old Gate Falcons play.

I mean,

a lot of the buildings in that part of...

I mean, even the Tower of London is in the shadow.

There's a few

criticisms that have been levied at your stadium building project.

Well, you know, I mean,

that's modern Britain, isn't it?

I mean, as soon as you say the word criticism,

I sort of glaze over, to be honest.

Well,

can I just run through them and just get some reaction from you?

Why aren't the Hogbull

games taking place in, for example, football stadiums or rugby stadiums?

Obviously, hogball

takes place in the summer.

It's the off-season of the football and rugby matches, so it would be easy enough to ground share with the existing clubs.

So that's what

you say that

this is a sort of criticism levelled at us by people that don't know enough about hogballs.

In association with Hyundai, there are no, and I've been to nearly every single professional football stadium in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

None of them have at each end a 40 or 50 foot hole.

Not one of them.

I mean, I didn't set out wanting to build 20 new stages, but it became necessary because simply the holes,

you know, the holes weren't there.

And

that is an essential part of

a hogball field.

In association with Hyundai.

Field, isn't it?

And of course, another essential part of a hogbull field

field is that it is wider.

than it is long.

Exactly, exactly.

And all of the football grounds I went to, they were longer than they were wide.

So, again, can you see why this was becoming impossible?

Okay, and the final kind of category of criticism, I would say, just comes under

the headline of UNESCO.

Yeah, God, they send a lot of emails, don't they?

If I have another email in my inbox with the subject heading, Do You Know What Heritage Even Means?

I well, I won't actually because they are blocked.

I just

meant to last forever,

Honestly, what lasts forever?

It is the only, you know,

remaining Roman mausoleum in the northeast of England, and you can't just please stop the diggers.

I'm sorry, but this is

just people standing in the way of progress, isn't it?

Are we honestly to live in a country where literally everything that's ever happened is to be preserved in aspic?

You know, you could look at a bomb site and say, well, that was a memorial of the Second World War.

Or you could think, right, let's knock up a couple of towers, fill them with student nurses.

I mean,

and who would be right in that situation?

Don't answer.

We both know.

I think there's some sympathy for your point of view.

We can't, you know, we can't live in complete stasis forever.

That's fair enough.

But at the same time, was it right for you to knock out a bit of Hadrian's Wall?

If you look at the reasons for which Hadrian's Wall was originally built,

do those continue to be valid reasons?

That's a question.

Okay, so I mean, I guess the original reason was to keep marauding picts away from the Roman Empire.

Yeah, now, correct me if I'm wrong.

Is that a problem that has been dealt with or not been dealt with?

I would say

it's currently been dealt with, yeah.

Yeah, it's been dealt with.

So basically, what Hadrian's War was put up to achieve,

that has been achieved.

Job done, tick, well done, knock that off the to-do list.

It no longer needs to be there.

What do you make of the nervousness around your recent

press release that went out that was saying that you built it?

The

Stonehenge project.

The Stonehenge project, yeah.

I just think, again, that's another thing.

You can't say, well,

that's already done.

No one even knows what it's for.

And it gets to a point where, you know, like something in the kitchen, you know, you sort of maybe like you put like an Allen key aside or a bolt.

And

after someone said, what is this even for?

It goes in the bin, doesn't it?

Now they've had, I'm sorry, but how much leeway do they need?

They don't know what it's for.

It It doesn't serve any purpose.

I'm sorry, it's got to go.

Well,

people don't necessarily know exactly why it was built, but I guess what it's for now is there are certain kinds of people who will go there and, I don't know what it is, what, worship the sun?

Why do you need to go to one place?

Like, can you think of an object more visible than the sun?

Can you?

No.

So it seems ludicrous.

Oh, we've got to go there so we get a better view of the sun.

What on earth are you talking about?

I'll tell you where else you can see the sun.

Every single one of the 20 hogballs in association with Hyundai stadia that have just been erected in this once great nation of ours.

So it's completely, it's, I'm sorry,

it doesn't wash with me.

And that is why the diggers are, they are primed and they are ready.

The tanks are full of petrol.

It will happen.

And what about the people then who

congregate around Stonehenge?

As Kevin Costner never once said, if you raise it to the ground, they will not stay.

And so, on June the 3rd, 2023, dawn broke on the first day of the professional era of hogball.

In association with Hyundai, Longfingers Jimmy had come through with a pair of tickets, and Sandy was getting ready for the big day.

7 a.m.

I hear

dad getting up to go and,

you know, get ready.

He goes into the bathroom.

I think, I'm going to get him, march on, run down, make him breakfast, you know, so we get to start the day properly.

So I get the porridge on the hob, I'm stirring that.

And then I see,

got this french windows at the sort of side of the house and uh i i see martin is just standing there um dressed in hogball in association with hyundai paraphernalia like a pro hogball in association with hyundai t-shirt um hogball in association with high and die you know proper the shorts you have to wear for hogball in association with hyundai he's got his hogball in association with hyundai shoes on he's got a hogball in association with hyundai baseball cap he's he's looking like not only is he there but he's there in a hogball

capacity.

Dad comes downstairs.

I'm stirring the porridge and dad sort of says, oh, hi.

And I said, what's Martin doing here?

And Dad says,

oh, I don't know.

I'll go and find out.

And then he goes to the door.

He opens the door and Martin is there and say, oh, looking forward to this hogball.

In association with Hyundai.

Match you're taking me along to.

And Dad, he sort of sighs, you know, he huffs.

He likes huffing.

And he says,

All right,

Sandy, I told Martin that I would take him to the Hogpool

match because that's what I want to do.

And I would like you to give me that ticket that you have now so I can give it to Martin because I will never love you, and I know that's what you're doing it for, I can tell.

And I would like to enjoy my day and not had it marred, and I will say, marred, this is what he said, marred just a little bit by your presence, because honestly, you can barely make me feel any emotion at all.

That's what he said.

Wow.

That's an incredibly insensitive thing for someone to say, especially to someone who's recently crammed their anus full of olives to get these tickets.

Well, this is, and this is when I told him about the olives.

That's what I said.

Dad, I put four tins of olives up my arsehole to get that ticket, so you'd love me.

And he said,

That's just the kind of thing I would expect you to do.

And just the sort sort of reason I have

for not loving you even at all a little bit.

Ah, backfired.

Yeah.

Yeah, it backfired.

Yeah, but to be honest, like at that stage, I don't think anything I could have said would

have made him speak differently.

I mean, I can't know what's in his heart.

I don't know if what's in his heart is the same as what comes out of his mouth.

What I did know at that point was there was no fucking way I was letting Martin having having that ticket and i was going to go along out of spite uh and even if it would only upset my dad a little bit i knew it would really get to martin and he was my friend remember he used to be my friend he was my friend until my dad took him from me yeah and now it sounds really like your dad thinks of him as as his son really um i don't know if martin has a father of his own but uh he does actually

he does i think my dad maybe does think of him in a son-like fashion martin

i mean Martin has his own biological father, but then just keeps collecting fathers from the local community.

The amount of people who treat Martin like a son, it's wild.

He's got about, I think, 14 or 15 on the go at the moment.

Wow.

Almost every 12 out of those.

Yeah.

Yeah.

12 out of those 14, 15 fathers have sons.

So he's kind of like cheating on his real dad with some other dads, and then he's also cheating on those dads.

Is it exclusive?

Do they know that he's got other dads?

I mean, it's hard to say.

certainly his dad doesn't mind about him having other dads because his dad's you know a very sort of interesting individual you know he's not like a normal uh well his dad's long-fingered jimmy you know he's a he's an oddball oh yeah right yeah okay

yeah

you know i you don't go around collecting dads for no reason so your dad you know he's got this kind of father-son relationship with martin does he realize that martin's doing this all over town yeah they've had a lot of conversations about it i hear a a lot of conversations in the living room where my dad's going, look, I just, I'd rather you didn't, you weren't seeing all these other fathers.

But Martin really like, it's funny.

You watch him just kind of twist it.

He's very good at those kind of conversations.

And dad always leaves it saying, like, oh, no, no, you're right.

No, you're right.

No, please don't.

Well, don't leave me.

I need you.

No, if you, that's what you need.

If you need all these other dads, that's fine by me.

No, I, I, that's fine by me.

Just don't leave me, son.

Please don't leave me.

I won't have anybody if you leave me.

Even though he's got got real son,

which that's quite painful to hear.

Yeah.

So at this point,

Dad took his ticket out of his pocket.

And you could see he'd been doing some thinking.

You could see the cogs whirring.

And he said,

You've ruined today for me, son.

And he gave the ticket to Martin.

And he said, So you can go with Martin to this hogball in association with Hyundai match.

Or you can give me your ticket

but he was quite he handed it I mean I was I don't know it's the adrenaline you know I think I was in such a state of heightened emotion the adrenaline rushing through me gave me the speed to intercept that ticket and so I had both tickets in my hands and I just ran I just ran and I said come on dad you want to see this you come with me

And I was waiting at the gates to the hogball match then, not really sure if Martin or Dad would turn turn up, like which one was going to be there.

And it was dad.

It was dad in the end.

Because ultimately, his love for the sport of hogball

trumped his antipathy towards you.

Yep.

Yep.

And that's, or what I'd like to say, that's one way of putting it, that his love of the sport of hogball

trumped his antipathy towards me.

But what I would say that, like, actually, he didn't hate me enough

to not go to the hogball.

In association with Hyundai.

So that's another way of looking at it.

It made me feel quite good.

It was like, oh, actually, things aren't that bad.

There's some hope here.

He will come.

He will come.

He doesn't dislike me enough to not come.

But he didn't say a word to me.

He just took the ticket and

walked in through the turnstiles.

And, you know, I followed and we sat next to each other, but there was no conversation.

More after this.

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At 3pm, with both teams poised and ready, the umpire's shire horse kicked open the pig trap and out thundered the first pig of the professional era.

This was it.

Professional hogball in association with Hyundai was here.

This epic day, this fight, this fray, shall echo down the years.

Lest none forget the blood, the sweat, the triumph, and the tears.

When tales are told of legends old where dauntless deeds are shared, we blessed throng, we happy few, shall say, yes, we were there.

For every heartbeat, every point, each mighty bovine prance, We heard the roar, we felt the blows, each thunk twixt pig and lance.

Watched champions of champions in awestruck disbelief, as thundering forth they fiercely fought upon steeds of hurtling beef.

We witnessed the arena where history unfolds, this sacred ground, yon hallowed turf, oh, field of pokes and holes.

Yes, we may say that on that day we heeded well the call.

As, praise be to Hyundai, we came, we saw

Hogball!

Yes, it's here at last!

The wait is over, the anticipation's at weeping point, and human endeavor finally has meaning.

As Hogball goes premiere!

Let hoggery commence as the irresistible force of Northampton's Lance Wizards meets the immovable bastards of the South Exeter Hoof Captains.

Watch live this Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday to see these titans of the all-new HBL give each other HB hell in what's already promising to be nothing less than one of the most inaugural seasons of sport in the history of sport.

Experience live, lengthy, and unrivalledly loud coverage with round-the-clock expert analysis of each and every upcoming second, minute, and hour of all 487 league games.

Never ceasing, never sleeping, we'll never take our eyes off the pig, ensuring you don't miss a single stand-shaking cheer, breathtaking punt, or heart-stopping oink.

Will Ducovny's legendary Last Wizards take the cake or the biscuit?

Will the hefty hoof captains go home with egg between their legs?

You'll be there cause we'll be there and there's nowhere else to be.

You've got an appointment with Premier Pig Punting Destiny and when Lady HBL comes knocking, we never pretend we're not in.

Just grab a snack, sit right back, deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Empty out your calendar till it just says hogball, hogball, hogball, hogball, hogball, hogball, hogball, hogball, hogball, hogball, hogball, hogball, mum's birthday, hogball, hogball, hogball, hogball.

Cry hogball and let flip the dog the hogball.

Which are ten cows and a pig.

Yes, tune in this very Saturday for the dawn of a whole new era in sporting gamesman's craft.

But not at dawn, though.

It's in the afternoon.

In association with Hyundai.

So tell me about the match itself.

Because obviously you went in with this kind of...

Psycho-drama going on with your father, really.

Yeah, that was a difficult...

The mood was very difficult, like thick.

The air was thick with it between me and my father.

But, you know, the moment that the introductory trumpets played, it felt spiritual.

Something happened that day.

There was a grace in it and there was a glory.

I don't know if the clouds opened up and sunlight came through, but it's what it felt like.

And within about like 15-15, it was so short a time, 15 minutes of that glorious game beginning, and there was that sound of those hooves thundering around, and then the smaller clitter clatter of the the pigs trotters that

oh my god i i thought hang on

has something changed and i looked at my dad and he looked at me and it was the first time in i don't know how many years that he made direct eye contact with me and he looked me in the eyes and he smiled wow and i thought is he really smiling it was a bit kind of mona lisa level to begin with

He was he was smiling because those corners just kept going up and up and up and his teeth came out.

And this is it.

Was it the clouds opening, the sun coming through?

Was it my dad finally smiling at me after all this time?

And then he looked back at the game and then he'd look back at me and he'd look between the two things

and he put his um he put his hand

just on my arm, just on my like forearm.

And that meant the world.

That's the first time I've um

that I, you know, he's he's shown me any physical um contact

at all

since I was a baby, maybe.

And then he

could hear

just like the

sort of spittle.

His mouth was moving in some way.

And I looked closer because I couldn't quite hear it.

It was like he was just whispering under his breath, or not even whispering.

And he was saying,

Sorry, son.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Do you forgive me?

And I said, Dad,

of course I forgive you.

I love you, Dad.

And he said,

I love you too.

It meant the world.

It meant more than I can imagine.

It was a thrilling match as well.

It was a really like both teams playing at the absolute top of the game.

And it was so close and that like they were at each other, they were punning together.

It was poetic, it was balletic, it was absolutely beautiful.

Instant classic.

Very different styles of play, of course, the two teams and the contrast, but also it means that they keep each other in check.

And then obviously 15 minutes in, they bring out the new pig.

And this new pig,

I had a different demeanor.

There was something different about him.

I don't know, a cheekiness, certainly like,

I don't know, his manner

was exactly the manner that I would think, you know what?

This is the kind of pig Northampton Lance Wizards know how to play.

I suppose what people don't realize about hogball is in association with Hyundai.

A lot of it depends on the type of pig that that you are dealt.

You know, it's really about who's at the gate first.

And inevitably, that will sometimes just

be one of the faster animals.

That, of course, suits Northampton's style of play.

Exeter, they like to control the pace, which is obviously, as you'll know from your own life, that's easier with a smaller pig.

They like a quick pig.

They like a cheeky pig.

And so now, bang, Mr.

Quick Pig comes out.

That wasn't his real name.

That's just what, yeah,

the customer nicknamed.

And they,

almost immediately, God, they were melded together.

They were like this incredible machine,

but more like artistic and like beautiful, like a wave.

They were like a wave, a wave chasing this pig.

And they got him, my God, they got him right down that hole.

He went shoom like a greased,

not a greased pig, but it went right down.

The crowd erupted.

We were all on our feet our side of the stadium.

Dad was on his feet.

I was on his his feet.

And before I knew it, like,

it was such a,

I felt this like grip around me and I didn't know what it was.

And I realized why I didn't know what it was because it was my dad.

He was hugging me.

He was hugging me for maybe the first time in my life.

And he was pulling me so close.

And God, the love I could feel like beating through his arms and through his chest,

that moment meant the world to me.

That moment was worth every single olive.

After a thrilling first 40 minutes, along came half-time.

This was the first one.

It was sort of felt by those around me, and I'm not a man easily swayed, but it was felt by those around me

that it was necessary to have a sort of half-time show.

And of course, the sponsors, they want to get involved.

It's an opportunity for D'Akovny.

I don't want to say showboat, but also to get...

to get involved and quite a basic format.

Hyundai, they've got a lot of new products.

They wanted to show these off to these 200,000 fans.

And of course, don't forget the whole thing's live on YouTube, so an infinite number of people could be watching.

So

basically a convoy of

new Hyundai products, many of them electric vehicles, I'm obliged to point out.

And they paraded.

in convoy around around the stadium.

The final Hyundai comes out and everyone's like,

who's that?

Is that

David?

And it was, it was David DuCofeny.

Everyone's going crazy because everyone knows the history, everyone knows what he's done, how he is responsible for this sport reaching the heights that it's reached.

I mean, at that point, I'm thrilled.

My dad's thrilled.

He turns to me, he says, Is that David DuCofeny?

And I say, I think that's David DuCofeny.

At this point, we're pretty sure it's David DuCofny.

And, you know, it was David DeCofeny.

So then David Dukofny gets out this t-shirt cannon.

People love t-shirts.

Especially like projectile ones that are fired at you from a distance by

a former star of the X-Files.

And people are clamouring.

People are clamoring as soon as they realise it's a t-shirt cannon that they are.

You know, it's all overhear David, that sort of stuff.

My dad goes wild.

Like

he really wants a

hogball

t-shirt.

Like he's never wanted anything more.

He's holding my hand, he grabs my hand with his right hand, and with his left one, he's punching the air, and he's going, I want one, David.

Give it to me, David.

I want one, David.

So loud, I've never heard him or any human actually like carry his voice carries.

And I watch as David Decombly

hears my dad and looks at the direction he's heading.

And bearing in mind, he, you know, your father is one of 200,000 people.

One of 200,000 people.

And David DeCombe can pick out his voice.

Pick out his voice from hundreds of meters away.

It's extraordinary.

And I'll never forget the moment moment that like David's eyes just swiveled,

looked straight at my dad.

It's electric.

So Dukovny, finger on the trigger, gets ready to fire.

It was t-shirt time.

And I want to kind of, in my heart, I want to keep that moment alive, that moment when everything, you know, was full of hope and full of joy.

And

of course, it wasn't a t-shirt that David Dukovny shot at my father.

What I didn't realize, and I was not alone, was these cannons, they weren't loaded with t-shirts.

Actually, what they've been pre-loaded with is,

and I can understand where they were going with this,

hot beef ribs.

Now,

a hot beef rib, and

these things have been on the grill for, you know, proper sort of southern barbecue-style cooking, so you know, upwards of 10, 11 hours, something like that.

They are

they are seriously hot.

Now, this is obviously going through various legal things at the moment.

So we have to be careful with the language we're going to use here, Sandy.

I don't think we can say that your father was shot by David D'Covigny.

Right.

He happened to fire a t-shirt cannon in the direction of your father.

Can we say shot at by David D'Covigny?

I'll have to run that by the lawyers.

I think just to cover ourselves at this stage, we're going to say that David D'Covny gifted something to your father at high speed.

Okay, well, look, what I can say, and you can check this with your lawyers, is that David D'Akovny pulled a trigger and my father ended up with a hot beef rib in his eye socket.

It became apparent that this was an idea that had not been thought through at all well.

And, you know, if I'd had less on my plate, I probably wouldn't have signed it off.

I'm not here to defend David Dukovny, but

his people are saying that he was, you know,

understandably overtaken by the mood of the day.

You talked about this incredible mood that's created by the sport, your father's attitude to you changing.

It was a sort of space in which right was wrong and up was down.

Do you know what I mean?

There was a reckless mood to proceedings.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A sort of midsummer Saturnalia was happening in that stadium.

That's true.

But

we were all carried along by the mood.

We were all carried along by the festivity.

Not many of us,

in fact, I can only think of one person in that stadium who did, not many of us

shot an innocent man through the eye with a hot beef rib.

Okay, I'm just going to get you to recount

saying that he was shot

with a beef rib.

If you can put that in more legally neutral language, that would be helpful, I think.

Not many of us in that stadium, in fact, I can only think of one person,

gifted a hot beef rib to my father through his eye.

These things were just showering down on people.

And, you know, eventually you realise, hang on a minute, this isn't cheering.

This is something else now.

This is screaming.

Hot beef ribs are showering down upon

tens of thousands of people at a time.

And, you know, some of them are understandably

in agony.

There were people's lungs being punctured by ribs that were not their own, which I think is unusual.

How is your father?

He survived the gifting,

the hot, fast gifting.

Yep,

he survived it,

but he's lost the sight in one eye.

And that's a really sad thing to have happened to him because if there's one thing he loves nearly as much as Hogball, it's 3D cinema.

And he was so excited.

Yeah, and he's so excited now that, you know, James Cameron has brought that back with the new avatar film and there's hopefully going to be a new resurgence of it.

And he's like, oh, no, I can't watch that now.

I can't enjoy it because.

Well, there's three more avatar sequels to come out.

Exactly.

And he's not going to be able to enjoy those when they come out in the same way because he won't be able to experience the 3D magic because those glasses just won't work when you're blind in one eye.

Do you not think, though, that if you are a self-professed fan of James Cameron, that there's something to enjoy just in the story?

No, in fact, he's always been very specific.

He hates the movies he just loves the experience so there's nothing in the story of of of pandora you know at threat from the humans

no i agree he doesn't that doesn't resonate with him no i mean i agree i think it's a very moving story i think it's beautiful film but not dad he doesn't um he he like

uh

one of them came on streaming and so we watched a while back this is before he lost his eye we we watched like 10 minutes of it not in 3d and 10 minutes in he just got up and said come on martin Martin, I'm not watching this shit.

But eventually order was restored.

And, you know, once they'd cooled down, actually,

they were delicious.

As I say, they'd been on a long time.

It was a lovely, long, slow cook, of course.

And they've got this wonderful, they're giving us a wonderful rub beforehand, and they're this excellent sort of

thing which we might start, you know.

selling actually as part of merch this wonderful sort of rich gravy.

And, you know,

there was a lot of rib to go round.

So I think once the worst affected had been ambulanced from the ground, everyone just ate the ribs that

had been gifted them.

And there was actually a sort of wonderful sort of sense of sort of community about it and realising actually these people here are all united by one thing.

And

it's a love of or a curiosity for hogball.

In association with Hyundai.

And a desire to eat as much slow-cooked beef rib as possible.

I think it was enjoyed just as much by the exit a lot.

And

again, if we do this again, we will certainly make sure there's more napkins.

We actually asked your father if he would like to appear on this programme.

He turned us down.

Right.

Well,

he actually asked whether he said he would be on it, only if he could do it with Martin.

Yeah.

That doesn't surprise me.

Our relationship has

soured.

He sort of blames me, I think, for the...

For what happened to him that day, even though he was the one who was yelling for that t-shirt.

Yelling, screaming, like the veins were pulsing in his neck.

But for me,

I'll always have the memory of when he hugged me for the first time in my...

Life and what now looks like probably the only time if I'm honest

Well, thank you for sharing your story with us,

Sandy.

I wish you the best.

I hope you and your father can find a way through this.

Yeah.

If you can just forward on the stuff from Longfinger Jimmy, does he just do it by text or is it

like does he need to be there when I do the slamming or can I just do it on my camera phone and send him it?

He will want

he's happy with the video, but it has to be verified by someone he trusts.

So

you'll have to, you know, it depends what your location is.

Longfinger Jimmy has

people everywhere.

Oh, right.

Okay.

So he'll kind of send a kind of adjudicator like the Guinness Book of Records.

Yeah, absolutely.

Just like,

yeah, they do have a clipboard.

He'll have a clipboard.

Some of them aren't as dependable as Longfinger Jimmy.

So you could find yourself slamming your penis in a car door and the guy saying, didn't see it.

Do it again.

Do you have

any tips for how I make sure that doesn't happen?

Because

I just think I don't, I certainly have the fortitude to do it once.

I think a second time is going to be too much of a personal challenge for me.

You know, which actually

maybe I'll be able to prove something to myself about my own personal metal, you know,

a bit like finishing a marathon or something.

But then on the other hand, when I think about it, I think, do I want to repeatedly slam my penis in a car door?

Oh, there's only one answer, isn't there?

Hop on a train, go to the source itself, slam your penis in a car door in front of Longfinger Jimmy.

That's the only way, to be sure.

Okay.

Well, thank you, Sandy.

And I wish you all the best.

Yeah, I wish you all the best and good luck with your, with, with, you know, your penis.

And I hear Jersey Voice is a great show.

It is good.

No, it is good.

And

I'm looking forward to it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Take your mind off

your penis.

Following the scores of puncture wounds caused by D'Covny's half-time rib gifting spree, the rest of the hogball in association with Hyundai season has been postponed, pending an investigation.

I asked William whether he thought we'd see any more hogball in association with Hyundai this year.

It's an unknown, isn't it?

I'm very optimistic.

Obviously, we've got a fixture list.

We've got 20 franchises.

We've got 20 stadiums.

We've got Dacovny, for heaven's sake.

I think people have

focused rather too much on what went on at half-time and not enough on the 40 minutes of absolutely gripping action that

we've seen so far, which I have no doubt will be overshadowed by further fixtures

in the future.

Well, thank you very much, William Hester.

Thank you.

A big thank you to William Hester and to Sandy Willis for those interviews.

HBL matches remain suspended.

However, if you hold tickets to any upcoming fixture, if you turn turn up to the stadium, events are taking place in lieu of the sport.

So for example, if you are due to go and see the Doncaster Ball Blasters versus Aylesbury Hogball, Aylesbury, in association with Hyundai, at the Ed Miliband Stadium in Doncaster next week, David D'Coveny will be doing a live one-man performance of the film Beethoven, with him playing all the parts, including Beethoven the Dog.

The press release here says that dogs are welcome, especially if they can catch a flying beef rib.

There goes the sound of a man who hasn't learned his lesson.

So that's all we have time for this month.

But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now, where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month the cast of Australian soap opera neighbours tell us their best ways for getting out stubborn stains.

So, until next time, beef out

in association with Hyundai.

Thanks to John Luke Roberts, Miles Jupp, and Greg Johnson.

And just before I go,

news of a new live show.

It's the usual annual London Podcast Festival date.

We'll be recording episode 101 of the podcast,

and you could be there.

I'll put a link to tickets in the show notes.

It's on the 16th of September at 2 p.m.

in King's Cross

in London.

And

A, these shows tend to be really good fun.

And B, they do tend to sell out.

So if you want to be there, it's worth getting a ticket.

Also, if you're not able to be there in person, we are selling, we are doing a live stream.

So you can buy live stream tickets for the show.

And if you're in a different time zone and for that reason,

it's not a good time for you to watch.

The recording of the show then for anyone with streaming tickets will be available for, I think, a week afterwards, or maybe five days.

I can't remember.

Either five days or a week.

Anyway, time for you to watch it.

So yes, short recap.

If you want to come, tickets are available.

If you can't come, but you want to watch it, live stream tickets are also available.

Thanks for listening.

Bye.

All right, class.

Tomorrow's exam will cover the extinction and de-extinction of the dodo, PowerPoint as an art form, and the history of Eurovision.

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