Episode 96 - National Beef Lottery

This episode of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast is brought to you by the National Beef Lottery.

Your chance to win more beef than you and everyone you've ever met could ever eat.

And not only that, remember the Beef Lottery benefits good causes, including Guide Humans for Blind Dogs, the Furby Fund for lonely men, and the St Paul's Cathedral Restoration Fund, which aims to restore St.

Paul's Cathedral to what it looked like shortly after being bombed by the Luftwaffe in 1940 and then rebuild it again.

Not sure why.

So this week, why not take a chance on beef?

Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and a printed magazine, brought to you by the National Beef Lottery.

I know that every time I eat beef, I feel like I've won life's lottery, which gives me just an inkling of what it must feel like to win the jackpot in the National Beef Lottery.

But personally, I don't think it's possible to truly imagine what that must be like.

The freedom that you'd feel when you win so much meat, that you know that one of your basic human needs, beef, alongside of course water, shelter and a decent backpack, will be met for the rest of your life.

This month, I spoke to the winner of the UK's biggest ever National Beef Lottery payout, dubbed the Beef Queen by the tabloids.

It's of course Sandy Trevelyan.

Hello, my name is Sandy Trevelyan and I won the Beef Lottery.

Sandy, who lived in Redditch at the time with her primary school teacher husband Bob, won the prize in December 2017 on an occasion where the top prize had rolled over for 15 weeks in a row, meaning that the jackpot had ballooned to a hefty 150 million tonnes of beef.

I started by asking Sandy what life was like before their lottery win.

Me and Bob were very happy together.

We were not struggling for income.

We had a quiet, lovely life with jobs that we loved.

I worked in security.

I worked protecting the model village, which obviously that started off as more of a passion project, but then it became a more full-time thing the more the youths burnt buildings down.

I was seeing the job really was keeping young hudlums, shall we say, away from the model village.

Yeah, yeah.

That model village has been at the heart of your town really for hundreds of years, I believe.

Yeah, it was there first.

And the village was built around the model village.

Right, I see.

So it grew up around that.

Yeah.

And like all happy couples, Sandy and Bob had a deep respect for beef.

Bob and me had this tradition.

We'd always say, you know, flowers wilt.

So say it with beef, is what we'd say.

Right.

So beef would be a gift.

In 2014, Sandy began buying tickets for the National Beef Lottery, picking her weekly 35 numbers in the hope that they would come up.

For those who haven't seen the National Beef Lottery draw, it takes place every Saturday night on primetime television.

Welcome everyone!

It's Saturday, it's 8pm, it's time for the National Beef Lottery!

I'm your old chum Cedric Toddards and I'm ready to turn someone into a beefy and air.

It's very simple.

The presenter, Cedric Toddards, and his 12 glamorous assistants crowd crowd around the base of a huge fiberglass cow arse, which is filled with 144 hollow earthenware balls made from a mixture of pressure-treated kiln-dried cowshit and earth from the ground where the Battle of Hastings took place.

There are 144 balls, with each cowshit earthenware ball representing one of the counties of the United Kingdom.

Then, one by one, the earthenware cowshit balls cascade from the arse, and the first 35 that break are that week's winning numbers.

Just a reminder that the jackpot has rolled over again for the 15th week in a row, which brings the prize total up to 150 million tons of beef.

As it got closer and closer to my numbers, like they called out, they called out a five.

Look alive, it's five.

I let out a little squeal, but Bob squeezed my hand and says, not yet, not yet.

Lots of beef for you.

It's 22.

Not yet.

Straight from the fiberglass cow bum, 31.

They say that you have more chance of a cow falling out of a plane and landing on you than winning the beef lottery.

Are the beef gods smiling upon your fate?

It's 108.

I don't think I breathed for the next 10 minutes.

A life without any anxiety about buying beef would be just fine.

It's 59!

Just watching the balls roll and smash and roll and smash and then when it got to our final number.

And the final number.

Because we've had plenty, it's 20!

I just threw up.

Bob passed out.

I didn't have any breath left to revive him.

I was so shocked.

But he gently came around.

And then when I told him what had happened, as a reminder, he passed out again.

And that continued for a bit.

And of course, every time he fainted, he broke another limb.

But

yeah, he was mostly really excited.

And the computer is showing that we have one winner in the Midlands.

Congratulations!

A jackpot of 150 million tons of beef!

That's all the time we've got this week for the National Beef Lottery.

Congratulations to our lucky winner.

Now to play us out with their new single Hammer of the Witches.

It's the fabulous Cradle of Filth.

Coming from Redditch, of course, I knew Sandy.

So it was with tremendous excitement to find out that, you know, one of our own had landed the huge beef prize, the bovine jackpot.

I couldn't believe it.

Bob Crack, who has featured on this podcast before, is also from Redditch.

Hello, my name is Bob Krack and I am the Bovine Farmers Union Youth Outreach Officer.

And Bob actually knew Sandy quite well through her job at the Model Village.

With my work with the Bovine Farmers Union, it's my job to go and find, you know, as I've always said, the children of today are the farmers of tomorrow.

And it's my job to, you know, go to the inner city places where the near-do-wells, the non-do-gooders, it's the places where, you know, people who society have turned their back on them, you know, as I always say, when society turns their back, here comes Bobcrack.

You know, so I'd be going to all the regular places where the near-do-wells would go, you know, the worst part of the park, the bad bus shelter,

and then the model village, because the model village was a hotspot for, you know, teenage bad behavior.

My theory on it is it made them feel big.

It's as simple as that, really, you know?

When life makes you feel small, go to somewhere that makes you feel big.

So, you know, I was always going there to try and, you know, try and recruit.

And, you know, a delinquent is also a very good potential dairy farmer, you know,

and so I'd often go there and Sandy would be very good at pointing out the ones that she thought, you know, she'd often say that one over there, you know, they've got a girth to them that would benefit a farm.

Bob also knew Sandy's husband, Bob.

Redditch's other Bob, as I often call him, just for a joke, he never really liked that.

And I'm sure there are other Bobs.

But yeah, he was a teacher at the local primary school.

So I obviously had been down there with my biannual outreach roadshow.

It was initially planned to be annual, but the scale, I mean, the sheer ambition of it kind of meant that it only was logistically possible to do biannually, really.

And I think, you know, I look back now and think, was that maybe a mistake?

Maybe a smaller road show that I could perform more often.

But anyway, sorry, I'm getting distracted.

Yeah, I'd be down there, you know, I'd do my outreach road show.

And I say it was biannual, but I did only ever perform it once.

The fireworks budget alone meant that it was unfeasible.

And we're talking about a show here that was 80% fireworks

and

not wise for an indoor show, you know.

Terrible idea.

Particularly as, you know, I'd kind of set designed the room with hay, very, very dry hay, to kind of make it feel like a barn.

Not to mention that I'd been passing around, you know,

smell the tractor diesel, where I'd pass around essentially buckets of tractor diesel.

So

a bit of a recipe for disaster, I think, is what the judge said.

Anyone who was paying attention to the news five years ago, and indeed anyone who's familiar with the structure of a morality tale, will know that the dream of winning the beef lottery quickly turned into a nightmare for Sandy.

I asked her when she realised that winning 150 million tons of beef wasn't going to be a wholly positive experience.

I think it was the day that I

realised that all the beef was going to be delivered at once.

I think that was the big turning point.

What a day.

What a day for the town, you know, and oh my word, who could forget when it arrived?

They stacked it high.

You know, it looked funny.

Everyone had a good laugh.

Our neighbour, Susan, on the left, and our other neighbour, Graham, and his family, you know, they couldn't stop taking photographs and doing TikToks.

How big are we talking?

It's really hard to kind of get my head around how much

beef that is.

Yeah, I mean, it's hard to get your head around it, even if you see it, to be honest.

Because

it's...

You know, when you've got...

You're taking a photograph and

the frame is filled.

So you have to sort of step back a bit.

Yeah, you can never step back enough.

I was down the end of the road,

right at the bottom of the hill, and

I could still only see beef in my vision.

And you could see this thing from East Reddit, you know, all the way out to the hills of East Reddit.

You could see this towering pyramid of beef.

Awe-inspiring, actually.

Where do you put the beef?

Yeah.

Where do you put the beef?

Where do you put the beef?

People would go out there for day trips, really.

You know, it became a thing to do all the way through December.

You know, it was very festive.

It became a real kind of Christmas event.

We hung the lights on it, kind of treated it like a big Christmas tree.

People were, you know, writing messages and leaving them around the bottom, their hopes and dreams for the following year.

It was a wonderful, you know, festive thing, a big, huge, beefy Christmas tree.

And then

February came, and

as I like to call it, the Great Thaw.

We were also highly aware of

the time limit on this beef.

We were aware that the seasons were fluctuating.

And soon...

Come the spring.

Come the spring, the beef.

That's a fetid mountain.

Yeah.

As the temperature rose, the top layer of beef on the beef mound quickly gave in to putrefaction, creating a giant, rotting pyramid.

A putrid Golgotha, a melodorous Mont Blanc, a fetid fudry, an offensive Olympus, a mouldering matterhorn, a smelly Everest.

The condensation dripping off that thing, it was forming rivers in the street.

A beefy residue, Washing away all the hope.

Quite poetic, really.

All the hopes and dreams for the year ahead that had been pinned to the bottom of the pyramid kind of were washed away with this kind of beefy juice.

It was our own Pompeii in a way.

And from that March morning, you know, the stench,

the kind of the off beef, you know.

You know, the phrase, it was a bit a real pea super is what they said about the London fogs.

You know,

this was a real beef super, not a good beef super.

Of course, it wasn't long before the holy mountain of meat, with its decomposing mantle of bubbling hot beef juice, caught the eye of the authorities.

My name is Detective Chief Inspector Dexter Watley, and I headed up the National Beef Lottery Emergency Cleanup Task Force.

DCI Watley was dispatched to Redditch in March 2018.

The sight I saw,

bear in mind I've many decades of experience in emergencies, disasters, police work of all kinds.

It was quite striking.

The beef mountain, for want of a better expression by then,

had begun to mottle.

We've had a long cold winter, the weather was thawing, and you could see on the outer crusts of the beef mound, there was the beginnings of putrefaction, colour change,

steam beginning to rise, and I knew we had a major, major incident on our hands.

The threat level was increasing steadily.

We had now got to the point where there was a self-imposed no-fly zone over the beef mound.

Birds were simply dropping out of the sky if they went anywhere near the airspace over the top of it.

Buses were warping if they drove past it.

There were mega worms being sighted.

There was one very hench fox that did seem to be able to manage it and was doing, well, thriving off it.

And I think at the time he was shot was something like 18 foot long.

And that was quite intimidating for local people.

So it was clearly becoming very dangerous.

It was causing people headaches and migraines, collapse, confusion.

People arguing amongst themselves that never argued before.

and people were going to die.

I mean, in terms of a health disaster on a population scale, this is

well, what to compare it to?

I mean, it's a bit like

if you've seen the HBO drama Chernobyl,

that level of seriousness.

Yeah, or indeed, just you know, the real, the real Chernobyl.

It was like Chernobyl,

what

you're comparing it to

Chernobyl,

yes, the H,

Yeah, HBO,

that drama.

You know what I'm talking about, don't you?

I think it was HBO.

Well, no, they made an HBO drama about it, of course, but there was obviously the real Chernobyl disaster which took place.

Was it drama?

Well, there was a drama about it, yeah, but it.

Yes, there's a drama.

A drama about

an actual event which happened.

I think that sounds very unlikely.

Yeah, so in Ukraine in the 80s, a nuclear reactor exploded and...

Oh.

Oh, good lord.

Oh, that's awful.

Good grace, that's cast

quite a shadow over that

otherwise very, very, very good

TV series for me.

I have to admit...

I have to admit it is

shining a rather unpleasant light on the

HBO's Chernobyl-themed fancy dress party I held for my

50th a couple of weeks ago.

It sounds like you didn't know, you know, it's okay to explain.

Okay, yeah, are we nearly done here?

I think I need to make a couple of calls about people's

Instagrams and Twitters, if that's if you don't mind.

And

sorry, can I just check?

Is The Last of Us real?

No, no, that's fiction.

No, yeah, yeah.

I know, I know, I know, I know.

I know.

Just.

DCI Watley quickly ascertained that it was Sandy and Bob who bore responsibility for the growing crisis.

My first interview with Sandy and Bob was problematic.

I would say they were in panic mode.

They had

many millions of tons of beef to deal with.

And

I think they were trying to sell it honestly i i could make them understand that it needed to be moved and it needed to be moved asap

they were trying to make a bit of money back they wanted to move it another way they wanted to move it move it for cash uh they weren't able to sell it fast enough so they're now in a sort of phase b as i called it at the time of trying to secure as many as many fridges as humanly possible.

They had nowhere to plug them in.

Bob had two very long extension cables, which he was bragging about quite frankly.

I thought that was a misplaced brag but

they were out of their heads.

It was the wrong strategy at the wrong time and they really couldn't be reasoned with.

At the time journalists from The Guardian worked out that if Sandy and Bob were to refrigerate all the beef they would need to buy over 200 million large American style fridges.

And so Sandy and Bob pivoted to another strategy to deal with the growing biological disaster.

We called in a lot lot of help from around the village.

Bob's got a lot of friends in the school,

friends and pupils, so we pulled in quite a few hundred children to help.

It was at this point that Bob called Bob Crack.

He was very, very cheery, very friendly, and said he'd had an idea, you know, maybe I'd like to bring some of the gang, my squad, I call them, down to the beefy pyramid and show them, you know, this is what beef can do, you know uh i wasn't sure i mean you know back in december yeah great of course we made a day of it you know uh dressed up taking pictures whatnot but you know we're talking this was on the turn we were right in the middle of the stench uh and i said this to bob bob pointed out that you know maybe it'd be good for for these kids to see what beef can do you know and i i got that i get that if you're going to work with beef you've got to know its powers you know got to be able to harness it You've got to know it in its many different shapes and hues and forms.

So I kind of thought, okay, let's do this.

I warned the kids.

I said, look, this isn't going to be pretty.

But I wanted to show these kids what can happen if you don't respect the beef.

You know, it can turn on you.

Bob arrived at the Wobbling Pyramid with 90 children from his local kids' beef squad groups.

And within minutes of arriving, he realized why Bob, the other Bob, had really invited them there.

Suddenly, he could see his true motive.

He was cramming two pound coins into the kids' hands and giving them a trowel and then sending them up the pyramid.

They'll do anything for a two pound coin.

And so there they are, you know, taking it, scaling this pyramid and scraping off these layers of fetid beef.

During March 2018, over 500 local children were given two pound coins in return for scaling the beef mountain to debride it of its rotting outer crust.

Bob was instructing them to drag the beef down to the river, you know.

Pied Piper of Hamlin style, I guess.

But without the music, instead of the intoxicating sound of a pipe, all you could hear was the threatening jingle of two pound coins in pockets.

It was a sinister sound.

So when the waste had been removed,

we were left with the good cuts.

With the rotten layer gone, there was still well over a hundred million tonnes of prime beef to deal with.

And so Sandy and Bob quickly put together a sales team to sell it to local residents.

Some of the kids who were involved in the clean-up didn't actually want to go back to school and they sort of weren't allowed as well.

So we got them on board.

They weren't allowed to go out to school?

They were too infectious and demoralising.

For the other children, yeah.

Yeah, for the other kids.

They were actually very effective salespeople.

We'd send them door to door, and because they looked so deeply sad, a lot of the customers would buy tons of beef.

It also helped that we said that the profits were going directly to the children's future, which they are in a way.

Because

the more supported we are, the longer we can keep them employed.

Is it hard to shift beef that people are aware has been part of uh what i i think was described by the eu as one of the worst biological disasters in europe's history

i think people wanted to be part of something we all want to be feel part of a community and people that bought beef those those six months we were selling it felt like they were joining an exclusive club.

Like I remember when

I remember when the millennium happened and we all went to the the millennium dome and got all of that lovely merch.

It was a bit like that.

More after this.

When you're growing up, you want to find ways to stand out, right?

Maybe that was dressing in a different way, or maybe, you know, as a kid, you felt under pressure and told some crazy made-up stories.

Like when I was seven in school, I told my entire class that I looked into a cow's eye and could see the souls of both Adam and Eve.

Now that one actually was true, but it did make me stand out.

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This episode of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast is brought to you by the National Beef Lottery.

Your chance to win more beef than you can even conceive of.

And not only that, remember the Beef Lottery benefits good causes, including a rehabilitation program for disillusioned juggalos, archery lessons for CEOs with low self-esteem, and the campaign to build an imposing bronze bronze statue of Christina Aguilera emerging from the waves in the middle of the Atlantic.

So this week, why not take a chance on beef?

Over the course of six months, Sandy and Bob managed to sell all of the beef through their network of tried door-to-door salespeople.

and in doing so became some of the richest people in the UK.

Richer than the likes of James Dyson, Paul McCartney, and the shadowy billionaire who invented the curly whirly.

To give you just a sense of what that sort of money can get you, Sandy now lives in a spacious, four-bedroomed house near Stratford-upon-Avon, with gas central heating throughout, a garage with room for two cars, and she subscribes to both Netflix and Disney Plus, sporadically signing up to Now TV when Succession is on.

However, that sort of lifestyle, being able to effortlessly flick back and forth between Stranger Things and the Mandalorium, didn't bring happiness.

I'd like to say that beef doesn't change a person, that quantity of beef.

But ultimately,

it did come between us.

I remember the night that I won the beef lottery and me and Bob actually made love on a bed of beef.

We thought it was really romantic, and then just as we'd finished, we we realised it was absolutely disgusting.

Right, Right, yeah.

Yeah,

yeah.

Wouldn't recommend it.

No, I wouldn't.

I.

No.

Me and Bob do live apart now.

I

hate my life.

There was a moment on my last birthday

where I opened the mail from the postman and

there were no birthday cards.

It was just legal case after legal case.

A postcard from Bob.

They didn't address my birthday.

Just said what a great time he's having.

How is he thriving?

Yeah, Bob's been able to move on, and that has been hard for me.

He regularly updates me

on his travels.

He's got a new partner, Hillary Clinton.

Bill knows about it.

Sorry.

The Hillary Clinton?

Yeah, yeah.

Former presidential candidate.

Hillary Clinton.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

He's dating Hillary Clinton.

Yeah, yeah.

yeah oh bill knows about it but they have an arrangement right yeah

they're very happy together they send me postcards right they've actually made it official on their facebook oh god yeah that must be really hard it is hard it's hard to see how happy he is and i guess you see this bob experiencing this happiness and you must think you know

why can't i

go out on dates with a manual macron yeah

and it's not that,

you know, I haven't asked.

You've sent him.

Yeah, requests.

Requests, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Emails.

But he's not interested.

Yeah.

I don't know if it's to do with the beef or not.

Yeah.

I get quite cold replies from Macron.

It's good that you get replies, though.

Yeah.

Feels like the kind of thing you could just ignore.

Yeah, but I don't think he's a rude person.

No, but if you're the president of France, you've got a lot going on.

Yeah, he's not.

I don't think anyone would blame him if he just didn't get back to letter.

No, I mean, it does reflect well on him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that doesn't make it any easier for me.

No, I get that.

But do you not think that maybe actually the fact that he's even replying and saying no, really, he's kind of saying maybe.

Yeah, I hadn't thought of it like that.

You mean he's being aloof?

That's given me a little bit of joy in my heart.

Yeah, well I think I think, you know,

you you're an eligible woman, you've got tons of beef.

Would you be

no, don't worry about that.

So I'm I'm married.

Oh

I mean, so's Emmanuel Macron, but he's French.

Yeah.

I'm also technically still married, but just a very long, drawn-out divorce.

I think the fact that you asked if I was interested shows how desperate you are, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, you can take all the beef that you want.

the big house, but at the end of the day, I'm a broken person.

The beef lottery broke me.

And maybe, actually, thinking about it, even Macron can't fix you.

No, but we'd have fun trying, wouldn't we?

Well, if he's listening.

Bonjour.

Five years on, and it is gratifying to see

the product of my labours and the labours of others.

I'm thrilled to be able to, and I could say this publicly now:

the tap water in Redditch is now safe to drink

within reason.

And sorry, when you say within reason.

Well, I mean, what do you mean within reason?

It feels like the kind of thing where something's quite binary, that isn't it.

Is it safe to drink or is it not safe to drink?

Well, it's

well

safe to drink in that, well, safe to drink in that it's it's safe for example to safe to wash a dog

probably a well probably a breed that doesn't malt I think if it's got if it's got any sort of

level of delicacy or fragility in its follicles I probably wouldn't

just towel it down yeah okay you could water water plants right um for

flowering plants I would go I probably wouldn't if you've got a kitchen garden probably yeah not the edibles don't don't be well wouldn't water your carrots in it, but certainly, you know, roses, unless you're planning on trimming them and giving them as a gift.

I mean, plants that are going to remain in situ and not be touched and have no chance of coming into contact with a naked eye or the skin.

I get that person.

You know, washing a dog and watering non-edible plants, neither of those things are drinking.

You said it was safe to drink.

Let's talk about drinking the water from the tap.

Well,

do you need to drink water from the tap when there are so many other options um you know when we when we have lilt

um

for example so the official advice from from the police is you should be drinking canned drinks such as lilt pepsi

i would i i would certainly uh i mean i'm not a personal fan of pepsi although my my sergeant is so yeah i suppose yeah pepsi could you could include pepsi so given what you've said why did you think it was okay to to announce as you said well it just feels like great news.

It feels like we've really

feels like a great hurdle that we've got over.

You can wash a dog with the water.

And that's great news that we're able to say that finally the water is able to

the water is safe to drink within certain parameters, which we've made very clear on the

press release.

Can you tell me one situation in which it would be okay for the water to pass the lips of a human and be swallowed?

So That is what drinking is.

If you boil it, you might be all right.

Sorry,

I've been told to say triple boil it.

Then you might sorry, so triple boil, you boil, then let it cool again, then boil, then cool again, then boil.

That's correct.

Right.

Yeah.

And then

away you go.

But bottoms up.

Right.

So that's great news.

The average size of

the neck glands of a child in Reddit has shrunk down to almost

normal levels.

I gather that the local grammar school is planning to phase back in school ties in the next six years.

It's terrific news.

So all in all,

steady progress.

The town still doesn't have any clouds.

I guess the question you're probably asking is what's next for Bob Krack?

You know.

But my motto has always been, crack don't look back.

Bovine Farmers Union youth outreach officer Bob Krack was eventually hounded out of Redditch by angry parents who felt that he could have done more to stop their children being paid £2 to clean up a newsworthy biohazard.

But the good news is he is going from strength to strength.

The good thing about being an outreach officer is that there's always, there's a lot of inner cities, you know so there's only about six or seven that i can't go back to now there's still loads more inner cities for me to go to those children of today remain the farmers of tomorrow just maybe not from redditch or derby or don't get me started on what happened in ipswich but you know there are plenty more inner cities out there and bob cracks ahead into them He's outreaching, you know.

I'm currently at inner city Gloucester, and I've just set up an after-school offal club.

It's going from strength to strength.

See, time was in Gloucester, no one knew the difference between a spleen or a colon or a cow's liver.

But I'll tell you what, now that's all they're chatting about.

You know, they're in the playground swapping hooves.

If you've got a child between seven to fourteen in the Gloucester area, you know, with a passing interest of the outdoors, then send them along to my inner city

after school offal club.

And, you know, don't worry, you don't have to bring your own offal, not for the first three weeks.

We'll send you one of our offal starter packs, which you know, includes a very fun spleen game and uh, yeah, really natty, trendy kidney hat.

And don't worry, you know, that there's an offal bursary, you know, for those that can't afford it.

You know, you sign up for the offal bursary, you'll get a liver in the post every Monday morning for two years, no questions asked.

That's our guarantee.

Just get in touch.

I've got a website, uh, www.bobcrack forward slash bovine farmers union.co.offal.uk.

youth outreach officer forward slash the internet dot co dot uk

to finish my conversation with sandy i asked her whether she'd been back to the model village that she used to protect with such care and diligence

no i i mean obviously i live i live elsewhere now yeah uh well what i'm going to show you is the

reddish town council have set up um

a live stream a webcam on the model village so that it can be seen by anyone around the world.

It's quite a nice idea.

There's currently no security guard there.

You haven't been replaced.

And I'll just be able to show you this iPad here.

There's a few webcams there.

You can see there...

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's absolutely overrun with

youths.

I think what we're seeing there is a young man pissing into the fire station.

Oh, God.

That's actually quite hard to look at.

Sorry, could you put it away?

And you just have to think, if you'd never bought that lottery ticket,

the defilement of this much-beloved local monument, and a monument to

things being small and miniature and not taking up too much room and kind of

not being this big ostentatious palace like you live in now, but being actually a miniature version of of a community.

And it's it's literally being pissed on as we speak.

Oh, it's live stream.

As she watched the stream of the video and the stream of hot teenage piss, she became philosophical.

I feel like I'm looking at myself.

I feel like I'm looking at what I've become.

Are you the teenager or the fire station?

I'm the piss.

I'm the piss.

A big thanks to Sandy Trevelyan, Bob Krack, and DCI Dexter Watley for speaking with me.

A dramatized version of the events, starring Kenneth Branner as Sandy, Bob, Bob, Dexter, and the Children of Redditch, and the Beef Tower, that's right, he's Eddie Murphy in the clumpsing it, will air on ITV this summer.

So, that's all we've got time for this month.

But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now where you can find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month former German Chancellor Angela Merkel gives us an exclusive look into her private collection of towels.

So, until next time,

beef out!

Thanks to Tom Crowley, Lorna Rose Treen, Tom Parry, and Mike Wozniak.

Hi, I'm Jackie Cashin.

Hello, I'm Lori Kilmerton.

We do a podcast called the Jackie and Lori Show, and you could listen to it anytime you wanted because there's hundreds of episodes.

Yeah, I mean, we've been doing comedy forever and we should both quit.

So why don't you listen up about the camp

before we leave this not only terrible business, but this awful world.

And find out why we can't.

Because we love it so.

Jackie and Lori Show.

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