Episode 91 - Beefhead with Kenny and Yvonne

The Beef and Dairy Network is sponsored by Granium, the famous nutritional sound from Mitchell's.

If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck.

A very happy beefhead to you from everyone here at Mitchell's.

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Available only until the new year, the flavors include beefhead soup with freshly cracked pepper, aromatic cream, thousand sparrow casserole, Greek biscuits, pickled pig face, Friday night beefhead fajitas, free-range tangerine, beefhead banana basket, tropical egg, and of course, it wouldn't be beefhead without the classic flavor of, you guessed it, melon.

For 10% off your next order of grainium, simply look into the eyes of a child and bellow, my good son, it is beefhead day.

Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as the printed magazine, brought to you by Granium Nutritional Sand.

And, as you've heard in their ad, they've just released released a range of beefhead flavours, and from what I can tell, they're really going down a treat.

We've had lots of letters and emails, but here's just one, which is a representative sample.

It's from Tara, who is a farmhand in Somerset, and she writes, What could be more festive this beefhead tide than hand-feeding a sick bullock some melon-flavoured sand-based grass replacement and sneaking a handful of it into my pocket to smuggle home for my aunt's famous beefhead day melon trifle.

A lovely festive tableau there, Tara.

Thank you.

Although I have reported that theft to your employer, who informs me that your contract has been brought to an end.

Your last day is Beefhead Eve.

Please remember to give back your gas-powered cattle pacifier and protective chainmail tabard.

And have a very happy beefhead day.

So yes, it's beefhead.

Not just a remembrance of a medieval justice ritual involving those accused of crimes being forced to wear a beefhead whilst being put to trial by birds who would peck out the the eyes of those wrongly accused, it's also a time for family, a time for celebration, and a time for beefhead soup.

Later, we speak to acclaimed stage actor, Roger Westcott LeMagrile, about his new beefhead song.

But first, two people who won't be coming together this beefhead day are former darts champion Kenny Barritone and his wife Yvonne.

You may know Kenny from his success in the darts world, becoming the first and only West Yorkshire darts champion to win the title not using his hands, but using his strong cheeks to blow the darts to their intended destination.

He has also been visible in recent years as the public faces of the Pig Milk Marketing Board and Alan Bamborough's Cold Beer for Dogs.

Yvonne is best known for being the mother to one of Britain's biggest ever babies.

After consuming huge amount of cow's milk during her pregnancy, Yvonne had given birth to a nine-foot child.

At that time, Kenny and Yvonne were living together in their family home with Kenny's 21 children, as well as Kenny's friend and cleaner Sally Pottington and her four children, one of which was a Cyclops.

We thought it'd be good to catch up with the couple to see what the latest is with the developments of Baby Talbot, but when we made contact with Yvonne, she told us that she had broken up with Kenny and she refused to be in the same room as him, but was happy to be interviewed over the internet.

So, Kenny Baritone and Yvonne Sampson.

Oh, actually, hello and welcome to the show.

Hello.

Hello.

Good to be back.

Now, before we sort of get down to brass tacks, Yvonne, as I introduced you there, is Yvonne Sampson, no longer Yvonne Barratone.

No.

Tell me how that happened.

Well, it's been a while since we've spoken.

And I've been on quite the journey, actually.

I don't mind telling you.

And

yeah, was Barritone.

I've gone back to Samson because

Kenny and I

are no longer together.

And actually, this is the first time we've been even on a

mutual phone call.

I won't be in a WhatsApp group with him.

I am in a Facebook group with him, but it's only because I can't work out how to leave.

But other than that, I will not participate in any form of communication with him.

And what is that Facebook group about?

There's a shed that nobody knows who it belongs to or what it's doing.

And it's in the middle of a roundabout and nobody's been brave enough to approach it to actually suss it out.

So the community, we're in just a Facebook group.

Now and again, people say, oh, I saw someone coming out of it, but they're talking shit.

And if, for example, you were just, you were logging onto Facebook and you saw Kenny commenting in that Facebook group.

Yeah.

How did that make you feel?

It makes me feel sick.

Because he does comment on it, but it's only when the other ladies have commented and he'll put something ridiculous like, Wish I could put my rake in your shed,

I've got a hoe or two.

Do you know that sort of thing?

My lawnmower's big, it's real big and stinky, and sort of dripping in oil.

You know, and I see these things and I think, Kenny, you haven't changed his libido.

That's that.

The only good thing I can say about Mr.

Kenny Barrison is the man's libido will not quit.

Yvonne, baby baby darling, please, you know this isn't my problem.

I have been blessed or may be cursed by God up in the magisterial kingdom of heaven with too much seed.

I'm a man with too much seed and it must be sown.

You know.

Right.

Now, Kenny, you've sat there listening to this.

I'm to believe this is the first time you've had an opportunity to say anything to Yvonne since the breakdown of your marriage.

Yeah.

How do you respond

to what's said so far?

First off, there's a couple of glaring inaccuracies.

I am on the shed group, morning, noon, and night, because like the rest of the wider community,

I want to understand what's in this shed.

I've got close to it, put my ear against it, and it's a mechanical sound inside.

It sounds like a million church bells ringing.

Certainly, it's only six by four, so I'm as perplexed as everybody else.

And in terms of my conduct on the Facebook group, these are difficult times we're living in.

We've got to keep the mood light.

And a middle-aged man making saucy jokes.

I'm sorry, he got us through the blitz.

Guys,

let me just interject here.

Now,

you're not on the show to talk about your Facebook group, and I'm aware I don't want to stoke the fires here of your disagreements, but I think the listener would be interested in knowing what it was that actually led to your relationship breaking down in the way that it obviously has.

When we spoke to you last time, you were very much in love.

You had just got married, Yvonne wearing a beautiful black PVC bikini.

And Kenny, you seem to be coming around to the idea that you would be a good father to Talbot, your nine-foot baby.

You know, what's gone wrong here?

There was an evening that really changed things for me.

So, as you know, we were living with our cleaner, Sally Pottington,

and her four children.

And

I suspected, I began to suspect something was going on between Kenny and Sally Pottington because they were sleeping in the same bed, but they said nothing was happening.

And I believed them from, you know.

And sorry, where were you sleeping, Yvonne?

I was on the downstairs on the kitchen counter.

I've got a bad back, and I think once you've flipped a disc, it's better to be on a hard surface.

So I was on the kitchen island.

Hard and high, isn't it?

That's what they say.

As high as you can, as hard as you can, and for as long as you can.

So sometimes I'd do weeks, you know, months.

And so I understood Kenny and Sally would sleep in the bed.

It only made sense.

But they said nothing was going on.

And I believed them until one night I'd put all 25 children to bed.

And I went into their room and I saw Kenny and Sally

in my

PVC wedding bikini, both in the same one.

Right.

And I said, hang about, something's not right here.

And Sally tried to say, I was just trying it on.

And Kenny was trying to help me.

And then he accidentally slipped into it with me.

And anyway, I began to suspect then.

And

the fact that I was stood in the room, and they did just continue to have

what is medically described as sexual intercourse for four to five hours while I was in the room, screaming, Yes, yes, baby, this is great, this is the best sexual intercourse of my entire life.

I love you, Sally Pottington, more than my wife, Yvonne Sampson.

Yes, baby, yes, baby, come on, baby, all night long.

And that's when I thought, you know what?

Fool me once, shame on me.

Have sexual intercourse in front of me for four to five hours with another woman.

Shame on you, Kenny Barratone.

Shame on me, Kenny Barratone.

What you've outlined there is to anybody with half a functioning brain, it's just a series of very unfortunate circumstances, coincidences, you might call them, that have made

you think a liar out of me.

But what if I told you this scenario?

We were in your PVC wedding dress because that is a very small terrorist house with over 28 people in it.

The moisture's in there and it's getting to the PVC.

So we were doing that.

We were stretching it back out

because my plan, aided by my wingman, Sally Pottington, was to ask you, Yvonne,

to renew our vows.

And you needed your bin bag on to do that.

But,

you know,

you've done it.

the you've tarred me with the you're a liar i mean sex for four or five hours with me in the room and kenny can i try and get some clarity here you're saying that all you were doing was stretching out the pvc bikini so that you could present it to yvonne and say let's let's renew our vows on the surface of it that seems like a nice thing to do however yvonne makes the claim that you're having sexual intercourse for four to five hours in front of her And by the way, Sally was literally saying, this is the best sexual intercourse I've ever had.

She's doing amateur dramatics in the local theatre.

And that is a line running through Google from Yes, Inspector, please.

She was doing her lines.

Okay, so she was practicing her lines for an amateur dramatics performance.

How do you account for what you were doing?

I was doing star jumps because I'm trying to get fit so I could be a better husband and lover to Yvonne.

Well, wanted to be, huh, I guess.

Right, just so I've got this straight, your claim is that you were doing star jumps and that Sally Pottington was rehearsing lines for an amateur dramatics performance that she was going to give.

Is this plausible, Yvonne?

Was Sally Pottington in a play?

Well, it may have been a play.

I don't know.

But either way, that doesn't explain why she became pregnant.

Ah.

Yeah.

With child.

With child.

Now,

has that child been born?

Yes.

And, you know, I guess you were pretty keen to have a look at that little baby's head when it came out to see whether it looked like a baritone.

Well, you can tell by the cheeks.

I've always said it.

It was a baritone.

It was a baritone through and through.

It's hard to tell through the wrinkles.

It's

alas,

it was a baby that's been born too old.

Do you know, it's come out a little baby size, but it's an old man.

I don't think it's some Benjamin Button thing.

It's come out very old.

and all signs are pointing towards it getting much older

yeah

so you're saying that it's sort of big cheeks are actually a function of the fact that it's got an old man's face and nothing to do with the fact that you might be its father you know how the cheeks get as you age

this is on an nhf pamphlet that we've all had pushed through the door the cheeks become big

bigger than a young person's cheek and that's fine it's just a signal to everybody that the soul is getting ready to leave the body.

This is all on the NHS website.

Yvonne, is this plausible to you that the baby has big cheeks, not because it has Kenny's genes, but because it is old before its time and has an old face?

I think it can be both.

It can be an old baby and a baritone.

It doesn't need to be an exclusive thing.

It's got strong cheeks.

Yes, they're wrinkly.

Yes, they're old.

Yes, they're withered.

But they're strong like a baritone.

And I know them cheeks anyway.

I've, you know, I've got 21

children.

All baritones.

I've seen them cheeks through and through.

So I know, I know a baritone.

And what has come out of her is a baritone boy.

I don't think we could trust anything that's coming out of Sally Pottington.

That uncanny valley has produced a Cyclops.

a multi-dimensional being.

Do you know what I mean?

I think like the Cyclops next, the baby that's

old, too young.

Do you know what I mean?

I think we just need to remove Sally Pottingturn and the offspring from the table.

Let's talk about where you are now, because I believe, Yvonne, you're still living in the family home.

Yes.

It's you, it's Kenny's 21 children.

Yes.

None of which are yours, I don't think.

Well, I had Talbot, but that was enough for me.

That sort of ripped me to shreds.

And just so we're clear, Kenny has left the family home.

Is he contributing financially to your situation?

No, no.

Kenny's left.

He left.

Well, Sally's still here.

You know, make of that what you will.

And he's not paying anything to me.

He's not paying anything to Sally.

We don't really know where he is.

I've tried to get in touch with him via a lawyer, but unfortunately, because I am quite skinny, I don't think he really was a lawyer.

It was just a man I met in a park.

That's a whole other story.

But basically, no, I've not had any money.

I'm living in the same tiny, tiny house.

I can't explain to you how small this house is.

And I'm still just sleeping on the worktop.

Can I put my point across?

Of course.

She's saying I haven't paid for

to maintain her or the child or any of the other children.

But to be fair to me,

I don't want want to,

I don't want to do that.

I'm just starting my

exciting third act.

You know, the sports game is all about reinvention, and I'm starting a new career as an e-sports superstar.

So, hang on, you've turned your back on darts and you've moved on to e-sports.

I'm still playing darts, but it's socially, it's dried up.

The world's dried up.

There's no pubs anymore.

Please read the papers.

So, I'm going to south korea and singapore on a near weekly basis spending every penny that i've got in the attempt of mastering esports with the chance of winning a luxurious top prize and she can have all she wants how's that sound yvonne kenny becoming an esports star

winning some big prizes and then you can have in his words whatever you like a life of luxury do you know what

as far as i concerned if you're doing your esports that don't sound don't sound like anything to me that because i know you're not very good at computer games because you don't your hands are nothing they've withered to nothing i'm not using my hands

you're doing it with your mouth out i'm doing i'm playing computer games professionally with just my breath alone and you seem to be forgetting that i there's a lot of stuff that i could do without my hands you know this avon

Kenny, I think you've got e-sports and e-sigs mixed up.

And from what it sounds like, and I won't put this pasta, it sounds like you're going to Singapore to competitively smoke vapes.

And this is not the sort of man I want to raise my huge, massive, terrifying child.

I want some stability, Kenny.

Who am I to argue if there's a crowd forming?

I've got to perform.

I've got popcorn lung i need help

so describe the the scene for us kenny you're on a street corner in singapore

you you're huffing on these e-cigarettes um i'm imagining increasingly exotic and out there flavors maybe

and there's people crowding round clamoring round like throwing money and and you know going why don't you vape this one why don't you vape this one you know offering up different kind of vapes and in the hot balmy evening you know the audience congregated around you.

There begins to be a kind of collective mania.

They're not quite in control of what they're saying or doing.

There's like a kind of collective now where the crowd are all as one, they're one living organism, and they are intensely focused on watching

a former dance champion smoking an e-cigarette.

Yeah, and what they do is they pass around this like little bucket container, and the crowd gets so frothed up.

And I'm walking around, and my party tricky is that we siphon off a little bit of sweat and perspiration from the crowd and decant that into the vape.

So I'm inhaling the audience's

bodily fluids mixed with vanilla, and they can't get enough of it.

Because

we've got Strictly Come Dancing and the Traitors, but they've got Kenny Barratton inhaling bodily vapes.

I know that's on TV.

That's on TV in Singapore.

Someone's recording it.

He showed up at one of the shows and now he's back at every show, and his equipment's getting steadily more.

He started off just on his phone, but now he's got a two-camera setup.

He's got a close-up and a far-away shot and some good lighting.

Rumour has it that this is a viral sensation with a niche audience.

Angry

billionaire businessmen who sort of, you know, like they've been through every every sort of vice every taboo forbidden fruit they've done it all so now they've come to the stage in their life where they the only way they can get the kicks is by watching me kenny barretton vaping in singapore thank you very much

now before we get back to my interview with kenny and yvonne Earlier this week, I spoke to the actor Roger Westcott Lamegule, a stage actor probably best known for being shot with a longbow by the entertainer Les Cheese while he was playing Princess Diana on stage at the Chichester Festival.

He came in to talk about his new beefhead song.

Hello, my dear fellow, it's wonderful to be here.

Thank you so much for coming on the show.

I know you're a busy guy.

You're working on the Beefhead pageant, which is happening soon.

That's right, as every year, proud tradition.

And you've got some wonderful guests this year.

Really tremendous, yes.

We've convinced Alan Arkin to play this year's beefhead, leading the procession.

Wow, that's a big booking, Alan Arkin.

He's a...

I mean, obviously, you yourself are a storied actor with

a great.

Thank you very much.

Yes, available for work.

A great number of films and stage performances.

But Alan Arkin, he's like, you know, he's kind of

a lister level.

Well, opinions may differ on that sort of thing.

I see him as

something above an enthusiastic amateur.

But

the public seems to like him, so we thought we'd bring him in to try and attract a new crowd to the beefhead pageant.

I don't know if you've ever done Hollywood work yourself,

Roger.

I haven't.

I shun it.

I shun the trappings and mores of Hollywood.

Right.

Who would take me seriously if they saw me as a robot transforming into a plane?

My reputation would be in tatters.

Yes, okay.

But you have done,

for example, you did that very well-known series of adverts for a brand of anti-flatulence yogurts absolutely but i did them with conviction passion and dedication

yeah okay but could you not play for example the robot that turns into a plane with the same level of dedication and and conviction with which you you played the the main character, the hero, if you like, in the anti-flatulence yogurts advert.

Although really, actually, the

yogurt's the hero, but you know what I mean.

Oh, I've tried, I've tried the motion capturation contrivances before.

The problem is, I bring my years of training and stage-hardened skill to bear.

And when I watch the final product, they've animated a computer creature over my face.

I discovered this when I was due to play a sea creature in episode one, The Phantom Menace.

And when I viewed the work print of the film, I saw the dead cold eyes of a fishman staring back at me.

And I said, Where's my bit?

And George Lucas, wonderful fellow.

He said, No, that's you.

There, that's you.

And I said, Destroy this scene.

I won't have it viewed by human eye, nor fish eye, as twer.

Is this a bit of a scoop that you, Roger, were the original Jarjar Binks?

No, I the wonderful actor Ahmed Best, of course, was Jar Jar Binks.

I was a friend of his, John John Bonks, who was supposed to appear in the large underwater cities scene.

But when I saw those dead fish eyes on stalks, pantomiming a poor imitation of the performance I had on set given, I said, absolutely not.

You can take the money, take it back.

I won't have this scene, seeing the light of day.

But of course, good old Brian Blessed was there, and it was a great bit of fun to get absolutely leathered with him after the day's shooting was finished.

And he has no such calms about being sort of CGI'd over.

Absolutely not.

You see, you see, Brian is someone who does most of his work with his voice, his large, booming voice.

But unfortunately, I find that my own vocal performances are too subtle in isolation, and they require the subtle undulations of the actor's visage to conjure the emotion required for the viewer.

Okay, let's talk Beefhead Pageant, a dramatic rendering of the medieval beefhead rituals.

I know a big part of many of our listeners' beefhead celebrations will be sitting down next to the radio and listening to the beefhead pageant, the coverage of the live event, which of course takes place in different towns and cities across the UK every year.

This year, it is taking place in Birkenhead.

And I'm looking forward to listening.

There's been various things in the press this week saying that the pageant is in trouble and that the number of people actually turning up to attend the pageant has been falling year on year now for five years.

Can you tell me anything about that?

I must admit there has been something of a downturn in attendance.

You see, I fear that the young people are losing touch with beefhead.

They're less interested in it.

They don't connect to it in the way that we did when I was a lad.

Do you feel as many do that beefhead is being increasingly overshadowed by by Christmas?

Is that what's going on?

I will say that during the pageant last year, while I was dressed as Dunstan Hooves, a young chap came up to me, can only have been three or four years old, and said, Father, Christmas.

And I said, no, you little fool, I'm Dunstan Hooves.

And then I pushed him into a gully.

I see.

And do you think that that was an isolated instant?

Or do you think that your average child today, today faced with a beefhead pageant like yours would assume it's it's a christmas event well on the whole i regard children as being simple-minded creatures mostly fit for manual labor and being ignored but i will say it seems to me that somebody should do something more to entice these children to share in the joy of beefhead christmas has it all sewn up all of the pr push the marketing every december is geared towards christmas what are we doing doing?

What are we doing?

Nothing, I say.

Well, I think that brings us on to the reason we're talking to you today.

Precisely.

You have written and recorded your very own beefhead carol.

You claim you think it's the first beefhead carol to be written in the last 200 years.

In over 200 years, in fact, I believe we worked out it was 212 years until the last dirge-like, melancholy beefhead carol had been written.

And so this is my own offering to that oeuvre.

And so I believe that, you know, I've not heard it yet.

We're going to play it here on the podcast.

I believe it's the first public play of this beefhead carol.

This is an exclusive play of my new beefhead carol, The Woven Beeves.

The Woven Beeves, that's it.

Now, I've not heard it, as I said, but

from the PR stuff you've sent through in the press release, it seems like what you're trying to do is do something...

May I say, you know, you're trying to make it a little bit more Christmassy or like appeal to the Christmas crowd.

Well, I'm not sure if I would agree with that.

What I would say is that you and I remember traditional classic beefhead, but the kids today just can't relate to that traditional celebration.

So I'm trying to capture what we had then in all of its grandeur, its profundity, and try and capture it in a way that's a little more light-hearted, and jolly, and festive, and will appeal more to children reared on Christmas.

As I said, it's an exclusive.

Thank you so much for giving us that exclusive.

You're more than welcome.

And once you've played it, if listeners like what they hear, where can they go and listen to this in their own time?

I understand there are plans for it to be uploaded to Spotify by February.

Fantastic.

I've been told by the people at Spotify that every time someone listens to the song, we get naught point, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught one pence.

And this troubled me for a moment, but I spoke to them and they reassured me that as long as people listen to the song 60 billion times, I'll make enough to buy a new car.

Wow, that's great.

I say new, new to me, secondhand, probably.

Right.

So if your song is listened to 60 billion times, that would be every person on earth listening to it 10 times.

Possible.

Yes.

If everyone...

How many listeners do you have?

We're talking about several hundred million, right?

Well, we definitely know we've definitely got 60 listeners, for sure.

That's what we've...

At At least 60.

That's what we know about, but there could potentially be many millions more than that.

We just know about that hardcore of 60 because they, of course, get the cassette that we send out.

Apart from that, we've got no other numbers.

Well, I'm speaking directly to all of those 60 hardcore, devoted listeners now.

If you could all do your level best towards trying to listen to the song one billion times, then the people at Spotify assure me that I'll be able to buy myself a brand new second-hand second-hand car.

And I can stop having to catch the bloody train.

You don't like a train, Roger?

Oh, I don't mind trains.

I respect the rail networks very much.

It's the stink of piss and shits coming from the buffet car that troubles me.

I'm a professional actor, for God's sake.

Well, Roger, it's been an absolute pleasure to talk to you, and I'm really excited to hear this.

Delighted, dear boy.

A new take on the Beefhead Carol, an upbeat, friendly-sounding, Christmassy,

positive look at the Beefhead Carol.

That's right, so get your dancing shoes on and prepare to tap your toes to this upbeat beefhead number.

Lovely.

Well, thank you, Roger, and let's play it now.

Jolly beefhead.

When the sparrows tumble down,

who will take the beefhead crown when the birds they peck the eyes?

Who will hear your desperate cries?

When Dunstan hooves, he is abroad.

Who will wield the diamond sword?

When Oxtail Sam rises once more,

who will heal his twelve wounds sore?

Judge me harshly, judge me well, prepare the feast and ring the bell.

Punishment renews the spirit.

A big basket with sparrows in it.

Throw the aromatic cream cream,

Realize

my darkest dream Peepers plucked from within my head Swathed in beef and left for dead

I wander dazed through the dark trees My sockets black upon my knees I drag my corpse through the damp leaves Wearing only

woven beads

You there, little boy.

What would you like your beefhead gift to be this year?

All I want is justice.

The natural justice of birds.

Very good, very good.

And have you been a good boy this year?

Well,

I did steal an onion.

And how many onions did you steal, boy?

Just one.

Release the birds.

Cleanse the soul of this foul onion thief.

No

Through the darkness comes the light, the light of justice burning bright.

The beefhead man

is the best of us, blind and screaming in the dust.

A big thanks to Roger for that exclusive play of his song Woven Beeves.

As Roger said, you can download the song on Spotify from February.

And if you'd like to listen to this year's Beefhead pageant with Roger Westcott Lamagrolet and Alan Arkin, it'll be on Pure Juice FM, all the best trance, techno, and house hits 24-7-365 at 2pm on Beefhead Eve.

More after this.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Adam McLeod, and I'm Alexis B.

Preston.

And we host a show called Comfort Creatures.

The show for every animal lover, be it a creature of scales, six legs, fur, feathers, or fiction.

Comfort Creatures is a show for people who prefer their friends to have paws instead of hands.

Unless they are raccoon hands, that is okay.

That is absolutely okay, yeah.

Yes.

Every Thursday, we will be talking to guests about their pets, learning about pets in history, art, and even fiction.

Plus, we'll discover differences between pet ownership across the pond.

It's gonna be a hoot on maximum fun.

Now back to our big interview with Kenny and Yvonne.

Let's talk about your medical mega baby, Talbot.

Yeah.

Last we spoke, he was 18 months old.

He's now almost four.

Yeah.

And back then, he was nine feet tall.

and basically living outside on the moors in the forests.

Local farmers weren't very happy.

They were chasing him.

They were firing weapons at him, etc.

And I believe he's gone underground.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's very happy now.

He loves the sewers.

It's very much like, you know, when you get a hamster cage and you put the tunnels on the tubes and it goes round.

And they love it.

And he loves it.

He's, I feel safer knowing he's in the sewers.

There's less to hurt him.

Because obviously, you know, every other day there'd be, he'd come back and he'd shout at the bedroom window from the outside, and he'd say, Oh,

but I knew what he was saying was, farmers tried to use a harpoon on me again.

You know what I mean?

Like the army's here, oh, twice a month.

It's it's a nightmare.

But now he's in the sewers, he's safe.

You know, he's not harming anybody.

And it actually works out really

well for us.

And, you know, now and again, I have to,

you know, what kids are like, I have to, you know, chuck some

live cattle down the holes of the sewers just to make sure, you know, if he's being a bit grumpy or a bit shy and he don't want to come out to get his food.

But it's actually working out very, very well.

I'd love to know exactly how big he is.

I haven't been able to get close enough to measure him.

God, he's definitely grown since we last spoke.

But oh, would I say he's doubled?

It's difficult to tell because he moves at quite a speed as well now.

it was quite clumsy before but he's he's sort of he's become frighteningly fast and he's uh he's sort of in danger of getting stuck in the tube a bit isn't he's because like plants synthesize sunlight uh our beloved talber synthesizes dark and moss so he's uh just bigger and bigger and bigger every now and again he sort of takes a turn and he goes into too small a pipe um and every now and again i track him down i find him stuck in his pipe and i give his little feet a tickle and run off before he catches me and crushes me with his hands.

Now, it sounds like Talbot's doing okay.

I wonder, Kenny, obviously, you're starting this new life for yourself in Singapore.

Have you given any thought to whether Talbot could or should join you over there?

I know this is a tricky subject, but it must have crossed your mind.

I've talked to these lads in Singapore, and I think there's a real market for what what Talbot's got.

What do you think about that, Yvonne?

I don't want my four-year-old child going to Singapore to smoke e-cigs

for businessmen.

There is a burgeoning giant baby fight club circuit over there.

And I'm telling you, if I get him one or two fights, someone will buy him some sunglasses, Yvonne.

Someone will buy him some snap around sunglasses that snap around his head and he looks really cool and he'll buy him a shell suit.

And isn't that the life that you said you always wanted for him?

You wanted him with a shell suit with snap-around glasses.

You're using this against me because you know that's what I want.

You know that's what I've always wanted.

The second I saw him sprinting across them fields, ripping them cows apart, I thought, get that tiny, tiny young child who happens to be a massive giant, a shell suit and some wrap-around sunglasses.

You know that about me, Kenny.

And I just feel like you're bringing it up to try and, you know, make me react,

you know, make me think that the future could be with us again.

But I don't believe for one second that this could happen.

I would love to get him a shell suit.

I've looked everywhere for shell suits in his size.

I've looked for any clothes in his size.

He's walking around wrapped in a marquee.

Yvonne, baby.

Listen, let me paint a scene for for you.

We could start again.

Singapore is a place to go.

Singapore is the only place in the world that can satisfy Talbot's bloodlust.

Watching Talbot tear up other big babies from around the world.

He'll be happy.

I could ride him around like a stallion.

And Yvonne, I could promise you one thing.

We will be so far away from the Cyclops.

He won't be able to see us.

Finally, that I

will be looking elsewhere.

God,

can we please put that in RSPCA or summer?

I can't.

The Cyclops is just, it's too much.

I'm tired and it's a lot, you know.

The laser beam, you

one look and you could be dead.

It's it's it's an awful way to live.

Just to explain to listeners maybe who haven't heard the previous interview with you, just to fill them in, one of the children that Yvonne lives with is one of the children of Sally Pottington who is a cyclops who can fire a laser from its eye yeah yeah

I think they would have I think they would have got that to be honest it's a sort of typical family situation you know a nuclear family but nuclear in a different sense

So Kenny, you've got this strong view of how

you want your future to be.

You and Talbot in Singapore, you're making money professionally smoking people's sweat on the streets.

He's making waves in the giant baby fight club scene.

He's wearing his wrapper and sunglasses and his Michelle suit, making loads of money.

Yvonne, do you buy into this vision?

Do you want this to be your future?

Because I think it's there for you if you want it.

Sounds awful.

It really does.

It sounds absolutely, I couldn't think of anything worse except for maybe living in a tiny, tiny house with 25 children and sleeping on a kitchen island with no money and no hope and a massive shitty baby running around the sewers.

You know, so it's a tricky one because it's a real bad offer, but it just happens to be slightly better than my current situation.

So

what do you want to say to Kenny right now?

Oh, gosh, it's a lot, isn't it, really?

It's a lot of emotions processed.

I'd say, Kenny,

you were the love of my life.

You know, you're the only man whose cheeks have ever brought me to tears.

And you know, that's never going to change.

Oh, I don't know if I'm making a huge mistake here, but I just

think a new start, a new life

with you and

some children, not all the children, maybe, because there's so many now.

I just think, yeah,

you know what?

Maybe I've had enough of this kitchen counter.

Maybe I've had enough of this tiny, tiny damp house.

Maybe it's time for me, Yvonne, to live her life and do things for her.

And if doing things for myself involves moving across the world for you,

then so be it, actually.

What are we going to do about this Cyclops?

No, well, we can't bring this.

We can't bring the Cyclops.

I don't want the Cyclops.

It's a nightmare.

All I can think of is we send the Cyclops into that shed on the roundabout, yes, with the mechanisms and the whirring, and the sort of static electricity sound, and the bells.

I think we send him in, we open the door, we'll find out what's going on once and for all.

The community will be happy, we can shut down the Facebook group.

And you know what?

If it doesn't come back, it doesn't come back.

If it's dead, it's dead.

But the one thing I know is that my love for you

isn't dead.

That's good to hear.

My love for you is the opposite of a cyclops child going into a mysterious shed.

It's not dead, Kenny.

It's alive.

It's alive and kicking and breathing.

And I'm ready for Singapore.

Yvonne, we'll all be together finally

as a family

this merry beefhead day.

It's a beefhead miracle.

Well, thank you both.

It's been great to talk to you.

It's been great to catch up.

And I feel like, you know, and I'm not, maybe I don't want to big up my role in this, but it feels like we've brokered some kind of future for you two.

And I'm excited about it.

And I hope you are as well.

And I hope we can catch up with you in the future and see how it's going in Singapore.

And I wish you both the very best and a very Merry Beefhead.

Merry beefhead to you.

Oh my God.

Thank you for bringing us together.

You've really changed our life.

And I don't even know which part of Scotland Singapore is, but I am gonna get there for Beefhead.

You mark my words.

Beefhead morning, I'm waking up there.

Merry Beefhead to all.

A big thanks to Kenny and Yvonne.

And since that interview, we've had the news that Talbot has been successfully apprehended, tranquilised and tied to the prow of an oil freighter which will safely convey him to Singapore.

And before we go, a final treat for you.

It's your opportunity to win tickets to this year's Beefhead Ball, which of course is taking place at the Montgolfier Golf Hotel in Golf Course and Golf Course, and this year features a performance by none other than Cardi B herself, full name Cardigan Beef, and I've been told that she's been working with the police dog display team of West Mercia Police to put together a really show-stopping event.

So for your chance to win two tickets, simply answer the question.

If you have a broom, but over the course of the last 10 years, you replaced the head of the broom broom nine times and you've replaced the shaft of the broom six times, then do you need to think about looking for a supplier of sturdier brooms?

Answers in an email to beefandairy network at gmail.com

So, that's all we've got time for this month.

But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now where you'll find all the usual stuff as well as our off-topic section, where this month you'll find a prank video that we've put together where we got a Christopher Walken lookalike to try and fool Walken's wife.

We thought thought it was going to be a fun little prank, but she still hasn't twigged.

And the real Christopher Walken, who she now thinks is a lookalike and won't let into their house, is having to live in his car.

In a way, it's more successful than we could have imagined, but on the other hand, it's really making us rethink what we should do with the off-topic section because, at the end of the day, he is a very old man living now in the cramped surroundings of a Lamborghini kung tash.

So,

until next time, beef out.

Thanks to Chris Cantrill, Amy Gledil, and Tom Crowley.

Hi, everybody.

My name is Justin McElroy.

And I'm Sidney McElroy.

Dr.

Sidney McElroy.

That is true.

It's important in this context because we host a medical history podcast called Sawbones.

Oh, I thought we were going to, we shouldn't work on that.

Sawbones.

Sawbones isn't afraid to ask the hard-hitting questions.

Like, are vaccines as safe and reliable as they want us to believe?

Yes.

Do I have to get a flu shot?

Yes.

Okay.

Is science a miracle?

No.

We have a lot of great history for you and a lot of laughs.

And sometimes the history is so bad that there's no laughs, but

you'll learn something, you'll feel something.

And it's always Sawbones.

That's right.

Every week on fun.org.

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