Episode 88 - Live at Tanya and Barry’s Wedding

Hello.

This episode is a recording of our recent live show.

Enjoy!

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Hello and welcome to Beef and Dairy Network Live.

Now, it is a great privilege to be here to record an episode of the podcast.

However, due to a clerical error by the venue leading to a room double booking, this session will be both the podcast and the wedding of a man called Barry and his fiancée Tanya.

Sorry, excuse me, Betty.

Excuse me.

You actually said that you would just let the wedding take place.

No, no, I didn't.

You told me the room room had been double booked, and I told you not to worry and that it would be fine.

Right, which I obviously understood to mean that you would cancel your stupid podcast and I could have my wedding.

Sorry, just to explain, this is Tanya.

We've only just met, but I'm getting Bridezilla vibes.

I'm sorry.

Finding out that your wedding venue has been double booked with a pork podcast doesn't make you a bridezilla.

Okay, it's beef.

Pork producers don't have podcasts, they wouldn't even know which end of a microphone to speak into, the fucking idiots.

Oh, come on, please.

All of these people are here for my wedding.

Okay, well, look, give me a cheer if you're here for Beef and Dairy Live.

Okay, and give me a cheer if you're here for Tanya's wedding.

You're making a huge mistake, Tanya!

Sorry, that's my cousin.

It's illegal for cousins to marry!

He's got a point.

Shut up, Pendlebury.

His name's Pentlebury.

Her name's Pentlebury.

Sit down, Pentlebury.

Apart from Pendlebury,

basically no one has turned up for your wedding, Tamya.

Well, no.

Barry isn't very popular, and I'm not exactly sure why.

But to me, he's almost the perfect man.

He's kind, loving, dependable, and in bed, he goes like a train.

By which I mean halfway through, he brings in a trolley groaning with snacks and refreshments.

Then what's the problem?

Well, I've often wondered, but

I think it's that he doesn't like beef.

Where is this sick fuck?

I don't know, he's probably off eating chicken or prawns or something.

Well, look, there's a big audience here to see the latest developments in the beef and dairy industries, so why don't we just do the podcast and then when Barry turns up, or whatever his name is, we can carry out your wedding to Barry or was it Bernie?

Barry.

Yeah.

Benny?

Barry.

Bernard?

Barry.

Christopher.

Barry.

Jonathan Tonzano.

Barry.

Sorry, Barry.

Thank you.

Jonathan Tonzano.

No!

Sorry, Barry.

Jonathan Tonzano.

Right, look, fine.

Okay, but there's one problem.

Because of the mix-up, the vicar actually left because he assumed that the wedding was cancelled.

So, will you be able to do the wedding service legally?

Of course.

Every day I am ordained anew

by beef.

So,

this wedding has already created an odd atmosphere amongst the audience/slash congregation here, most of whom are excited about getting the latest beef and dairy news, some of whom are here to celebrate the marriage of two people that only death shall pull asunder.

And one of you is here because you want to bang your cousin.

We haven't done the podcast in front of such an divided audience since we did our live symposium on whether selenium and vitamin E supplementation is better served by separate selenium and vitamin E supplements or a combined supplement.

I need not remind you how that panned out, but we're still paying reparations to Newcastle City Council for the burnings.

We don't want another night of fire,

and so we'll try to be respectful to both parts of the audience here today.

And first up is an interview with the man who's probably best known for his TV show, Vet in a Helicopter.

It's Bovine Arsvet Bob Triskothik.

Hello, thank you.

Hi, Bob.

And now, since we last spoke,

you had just essentially botched a face removal operation.

And I believe it was at that moment you came to decide that you couldn't feasibly continue as a vet.

I'm not technically vetting.

No, I'm not,

I mean, I'm not treating unwell animals,

let's say.

I took a bit of time off, bit of a sabbatical.

I've been getting back into sort of arse-based post-mortem work.

That's a dying art.

Yeah.

On animals, on humans?

Well, a human is an animal, isn't it, really?

So anything, really, I mean, I won't do birds, though.

Something odd going on with birds,

which I've never quite gotten to grips with.

But yes, I mean, I mean, I mean

it's something for the little guy, you know, a lot of the time, you know, deaf or all the police don't really care if your haddock has died in suspicious circumstances.

And then I come.

And,

yeah,

I mean, I'll examine anything on anyone as long as the price is right, frankly.

Does a haddock have an anus?

Ah, now there's a big question.

And if you're a haddock monger paying me to examine the arse of your haddock, then the answer is emphatically yes.

If it's just the man in the street asking me, then I'll have to say, hand on heart, I don't really know.

My assumption is that something gets extruded from somewhere,

but I just can't get interested in haddock.

Okay.

So what happens during an ask-first post-mortem?

Well, it's four stages, I suppose.

There's inspection,

you know, looking for sort of blanching or anal ruining, we call it.

Uh

uh where you sort of see a series of patterns that might uh you know t t tell a tale.

Um

palpation where you're feeling for sort of ribbing, feathering, uh gritty textures, um brailling um

braille well a sort of anal braille it's not technically braille

uh but I I've had to work in a lot of very poorly lit places in the past uh so I've

uh learnt to read

I keep the pad of my right index finger exceptionally soft.

I use it for nothing.

In fact, normally it's bound, so it remains baby soft.

Auscultation, where you're listening.

A normal mammalian anus should just sound like Oliver Reed whispering sweet nothings

into the ear of an ingenou from a distance.

Anything beyond that is abnormal.

And then insufflation, where you simply pump the anus full of

dry ice, I find it's best, but anything, really, any air, a helium,

and remove the viscera one by one.

And

what you do with them is up to you.

I guess that's the question, is it?

It's kind of, I was listening to all this and thinking, to what end?

Peace of mind.

Fighting crime.

So just to be clear, you're removing all of the internal organs.

Yeah, if needs be, a lot of the time you just need the anus.

That's it.

If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then the anus is...

Is the kitchen window you've unintentionally carelessly left open or can be easily smashed through with half a brick?

And what about the rumours that you've been employed by BRS?

Oh, yeah, very happy to

talk about BRS.

Yeah.

I don't know if everyone knows.

You will have been contacted.

You will have got a letter.

I imagine they'll they'll have got a letter.

They should have got a letter, but I have to admit that I didn't get round to looking up everyone's address.

So a lot of them were posted without addresses.

But a letter was sent to everyone.

Because obviously, you know, pre-2016, we were part of ANAS.

It's the European ANO notification

service.

And, you know, thank God we got unshackled from them in 2016.

And they're 800 million strong database.

And just be clear, this is a database of European anuses.

Yes, it's an anus database.

Yeah.

And that's used in crime scenes.

Crime scenes, cross-referencing, yeah, craft references.

Best man speeches.

Best man speeches, whatever.

Yeah, yeah, there's a bit of private stuff they do on the side.

BRS is our answer to that.

But unfortunately, there's been very, very little uptake in people.

At the moment, it's purely voluntary coming in to get an anal print done.

I'll be out the back with a gazebo at the end of the show.

Technically, Technically, by not replying to your letters, you have all consented to having

your imprints, but they're very useful.

I mean, only recently in Shropshire, we solved a case

of a guy from the 70s who'd been

defacing lava lamps

and making them look obscene.

And but he'd been caught in the act and run away and left, I think it was about barely even a quarter of his anus dangling on the edge of a garden trellis.

And that was the only piece of evidence that remained from the entire case.

Everything else was thrown away, loads of fingerprints in the house.

That was bulldozed in a policy at the time where they didn't have time to investigate, they just bulldozed the crime scene.

And he was banged right, so I was able to read that little bit of anus very well and track him down to an anus rehabilitation center in the Shetlands.

And so,

obviously, they haven't got a choice in the matter, but what are the benefits for the audience here today for logging their ass on the BRS database?

Because currently, I heard that it's only 35 strong, is that right?

It's only 35 strong.

I think,

really,

if you and your anus have done nothing wrong, you've got nothing to hide

is the advantage,

I would say.

And you know that you're contributing, you're doing your duty to king country.

You know that if

you can be excluded

from a crime, and if any of you are thinking of committing

an ass-out robbery at any point,

you know, you'll think twice because you know you're you're on the books.

And principally, that's through their dust for an arse print.

It's a kind of dust.

It's what I use is it's a very dried-out, strong household alkalis.

Sort of toothpaste, your oven cleaner, that sort of thing.

Until it's

I'm very rarely patient enough to let it get to dust stage.

So it's more like a sort of scorching paste that we use.

Okay.

And that burns an imprint on a bit of A4

if I can find it, or just some bugroll, and then put that in an old sandwich bag.

I've always got loads of sandwich bags and send it off.

And that's just kept in your car, then, isn't it?

That's kept in my car in the glove compartment until such a time as it is needed.

Yeah.

Well, Bob, I'd like to, I'm sure we'd all like to say thank you for keeping us safe.

My pleasure.

Andy, I'll see you at the back in the gazebo at the end.

Thank you, everyone.

It's Bob Joskothick.

Bob?

Bob?

Tanya.

I wasn't expecting to see you here.

Hang on, you know Bob?

Well,

it was 1998.

Majorca.

I was on holiday with the girls, which is what I call my passport and traveller's checks.

One day I was sitting in a town square, sipping a hot orangina

when I saw him

his arm elbowed deep in the back of a donkey

Even though he was removing compacted feces from a donkey's arsehole it felt like he was reaching into my chest and grabbing my heart

That evening we went out for dinner.

I'd have enough of the foreign rubbish they eat in Spain

So Bob found us a place where you can have a full English at any time of day or night.

He had kind eyes, was well dressed, and smelled strongly of donkey manure, which I personally find very sexy.

Across the restaurant, an old woman was choking on a hash brown, and he saved her life, retrieving the hash brown, not from her mouth, but from the other end.

Then we went down to the beach and stayed up all night dancing and drinking boiling hot orangina

until the sun came up.

For the rest of that week we were inseparable.

Sexually he goes like a train

by which I mean it should be nationalized so that it's available to everyone for a reasonable fare.

Then when it was time to go home he dropped a bombshell and the rest of the bomb too, not just the outer shell.

He was married and had kids.

My heart was broken forever.

So yes, you could say we know each other.

And Bob,

you know Tanya.

It was 1998.

Majorca.

I was on holiday and came across a...

profoundly flatulent, ailing donkey, badly in need of disimpacting.

I I put down my sweet, warm orangina and started doing what I did best.

I looked up from one of nature's most beautiful sights, the anus of a donkey, and saw something almost as captivating.

Tanya.

Within minutes, I was asking her to come to a place that I knew a little trittore that did 24-7 English breakfasts.

For a few extra Euro would slap in a bit of Monterey cheese over the top.

After our feast, we slunk away to the beach where we drank piping hot orangino

and banged.

Sexually, she went like a train, by which I mean it was pretty good, but not as good as some experiences I've had in Germany.

I was about to confess my love

when I suddenly realized that my wife and two children were watching us from a two-star hotel just down the road.

The balcony I'd promised I'd take them to the beach about a week ago, and that turned my hot Orangina a little bit cold, metaphorically.

So, yes, you could say I know, Tanya.

Right.

Okay, can we get on with my wedding now?

Well, where's Jonathan Tonzano?

What?

Sorry, Barry, where's Barry?

Sorry, hello.

Oh, hello, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Hello, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, I'm late.

Um, I was just eating a lovely chicken and prawn booner.

Oh.

Don't say that, love.

It's a pork podcast.

Beef!

Oh, yes, sorry, beef, it's beef.

I work in a pin factory.

Great!

Now, I feel we should probably learn a bit about you both.

Tanya, tell the audience about yourself.

Oh, yes, okay.

Sure, I'm Tanya.

I am a bubbly go-getting gal, and

I love travelling by rail,

eggs,

the works of the absurdist playwright Eugene UNESCO.

And I'd say my biggest pet peeve is Having My Wedding Ruined by a Pork Podcast.

Right, and

Barry?

I work in a a pin factory.

Anything else?

Making pins, making pins, making pins all day.

Short pins, long pins, pins, pins, pins.

If the pins go wrong, we put them in the bins.

Pins, pins, pins.

I make pins.

I've got to say, Barry, that was pretty fucking weird.

I work in a pin factory.

And I hear, Barry, that you

don't like beef.

It was 1998.

My fourth birthday.

My whole family gathered around,

expectantly waiting for me to try my first beef.

I put the beef to my lips.

and tried to swallow it, but it caught in my throat.

My body would not accept it.

It was violently expelled in a tornado of bloody vomit, which fired out from every orifice,

including some orifices I hadn't been aware of previously.

For the following 36 hours,

that day

I stopped growing.

I was a tall four-year-old, yes, but

imagine how vast I might have otherwise been.

That's how we discovered that I am a nil beefophage.

A what?

A nil beefophage.

There are other words for it.

A bovaphobe.

Juvenile never beef.

friend of Daisy, Admiral's Gimp, essentially.

I can't eat beef.

No.

No, the nil beef afar is just a myth used to scare children.

I work at a pin factory.

Come on, Barry.

Let's get married.

Okay.

I mean, sure, you can't eat beef, and you're only as tall as a four-year-old.

Admittedly, a five-foot-ten four-year-old,

and you're ultimately not very exciting.

But at least you don't have a secret wife and kids.

Okay.

Well,

first on the order of service for the wedding is a reading.

And it doesn't seem like there's anyone here to read that out, but luckily our next guest might be able to help with that.

Please welcome Michael Banyan.

Hello, thank you.

Michael, now, our audience will know that you are a former Bovine poet laureate who then fell out with the Bovine Farmers' Union, who stitched a cow face to your face as a punishment and sent you into exile in Spain, from which you returned after the death of Bovine Farmers' Union enforcer Runyan Kraj, only for you to be shunned by the literary establishment on your return to the UK, which led to you turning your hand to television, which led to you being sued by the actor Paul Diomati, which meant that you then had to have

the cowface leather on your face removed to sell to a Russian billionaire to pay your legal fees.

However, when that operation took place, you then had to reattach a new cow's face to keep you alive.

Yes, and throughout that period,

I've also been using a late 2012 MacBook,

which I'm sure a lot of you already know really struggles with any operating system beyond High Sierra.

I've been through a lot.

I've been through a lot.

Emails lagging much, lagging quite a lot, yeah.

Yes,

it's been tough.

How is the new cow face bedding in?

It's looking all right.

Thank you very much.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, it's like a new pair of shoes.

It's exactly the same as a new pair of shoes,

just a mono-face shoe.

That's how I like to describe it to people.

And

as with a new pair of shoes,

you've got to break it in.

There's some pain, there's some...

Is it?

There's some bleeding.

I'm just looking at it.

Is it a bit small for you?

Yeah, alright.

Very rude.

Yeah, yes.

It's a little optimistic.

It's a bit to my sake, yeah.

It's a tight face.

I've currently got a.

I like to think of it as a nice tight little face.

You've really all squeezed into that face, aren't you, tonight, Michael?

That's how I think of it.

Yeah, I like the way you've you've poured your curves into that face design.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh,

you are bursting out of that face.

But no, what I do for that is I I'm having to do face physio.

Okay.

So I do da I have to do da daily face visio to uh I t I have to to to sort of break break it down and and make it supple from the inside.

Okay.

The hard leather.

What does that entail?

So that entails I have to run through every every possible uh facial expression every day.

Wow.

Um it's more than you think as well, isn't it?

It's more than you think.

Um there there's uh there's anger, there's extreme anger, there's rage, mega rage.

Uh there's also anger, befuddlement, confusion, arousal, aroused confusion, angry confusion, angry arousal.

There's a huge I've got a huge chart that I have to run through.

Disappointing avocado?

Disappointing avocado, sexy avocado.

Thought it was an avocado, it wasn't.

It was a dragon's egg.

Thought it was an avocado, it was a sexy dragon's egg, etc.

There's a huge fucking...

So how are you able to, you know, do you just go through the list every day?

Well, the thing is, it's difficult.

I have to feel each emotion genuinely.

That's the thing.

I have to actually feel each of those emotions, otherwise it doesn't work.

Right.

And so obviously there's only one way of experiencing all the true emotions, isn't there?

There's only one person that can take you on that emotional journey.

Okay.

And that is, of course,

the greatest actor of regeneration.

Samark Rylands.

So every day he comes around to visit me.

It's all on the NHSs as well.

It's incredible.

It's incredible.

Every morning he comes around to visit me and

he does a medley.

He performs a medley of all his greatest roles.

Yeah, I'm struggling to think of this.

The BFG.

Everything from the BFG

all through the other films, the big,

all the big ones.

Now there's the thing about Ryan's,

a lot of the things, he's a huge actor and he's the greatest actor of all time.

No one has any doubts about that, but it's sometimes quite hard to name-check, think of the specific roles.

But a lot of his greatest roles, that's because a lot of his greatest roles are actually

playing other people playing roles.

That's how good he is.

Sorry, what do you mean?

So, for example,

a lot of people don't know, he played Harrison Ford playing hand solo in Empire Strikes Back, for example.

So, he watched the first film and did it inch inch perfect

Harrison Ford.

And what was Harrison Ford doing during the film?

He has to lock the

actor, whichever the actor is in question.

He has to lock them up in Raylance's dungeon.

Yeah, yeah.

And so they're pretty still there, presumably, I don't know.

He played Michael Kane playing Chewbacca in Return of the Jedi.

If you look at that film again, it's a Kane-infected Chewbacca.

A lot of it's like, oh,

a lot of it, you'll notice.

This is a little inflection he's put in.

He played Kevin Costner doing

just for the press interviews.

He played all of Kevin Costner's press interviews for Dancers with Wolves.

He played two of the wolves in Dancers with Wolves.

A lot of people say there aren't any wolves in Dancing with Wolves.

Well, of course not.

That's how well he played them.

How many wolves have you ever seen in your life?

You don't see wolves?

Do you see what I mean?

But they're there.

But they're there.

There's no

question of that, is there?

He played Pretty Pratel from the autumn of 2019 through to the spring of 2021.

He played in goal for Brussels Dortmund from 2015 to 2018, including the Champions League run.

He played Emily Maitlis in the first half of the Prince Andrew interview.

And then he played Prince Andrew in the second half.

So despite these teething problems with the face, it sounds like it's going well.

I've heard that it's given you a new lease of life creatively.

It really has, you know.

And um I've been doing something I've I've often wanted to do and often thought about doing which is I've I've been trying prose.

Prose?

Prose.

Um I've been writing prose.

Right.

Yeah, so um I I wanted to write prose and I've always felt quite deeply that literally fucking anyone can write a children's book.

Yeah.

Um

'cause it's for children.

It's not a doesn't count really.

It doesn't count, it's for children's literally.

I've always really felt that very, very deeply.

I thought it would be a complete piece of pess.

And

you're literally writing for children.

It's like, do you know what I mean?

You're writing, because you're writing for idiots.

It's a novel.

For idiots, total idiots.

Because they say everyone has a novel in them, but I believe that everyone has at least eight children's books in them.

And two film adaptations and merch.

I believe the average person has a quarter of a million branded rucksacks in them.

So I believe you've started a new series, a series of children's books.

It's about a young young boy sent away to a butcher's school.

His name's Harold Porter.

That's right.

Yeah.

And is it a full sequence planned out?

Yep, seven novels I've planned out.

It's really easy planning them out as well.

Yeah, so seven in total, Harold Porter and the Philosopher's Cow.

Harold Porter and the Chamber of Meat Crutz.

Harold Porter and the sirloin of Asker Beef.

Harold Porter and the Goblet of Gravy.

Harold Porter and the order of two steaks, three beef, mattaman curries, and some sticky beef on the side, please.

Harold Porter and the half-fat mints.

And Harold Porter and the deathly tallows,

which is a form of beef fat.

They knew that.

They knew that.

And that sounds to me like big screen potential.

Oh, big screen potential written all over it.

Thought about the cast?

Yes.

I've had some deep casting thoughts.

I thought, probably go for the leading actor of our time.

Mark Rylance.

No, I unfortunately couldn't get him.

He's busy playing the Angel of the North for the next six years.

Right.

Big gig for Rylance.

So no, I had to go one down the...

one cut the chain.

Not Paul Giamatti.

Not Paul Giamatti, sadly.

Unfortunately, I can no longer be within 2,000 yards of Paul Giamatti.

So So a court order?

No, no, I just can't take those piercing eyes.

So intense.

Okay, so who have you lined up for this?

Well, I believe the third greatest actor of all time, I didn't think this was controversial, is Daniel Radcliffe.

Just a superb actor.

And my plan is to use CG technology

to make him look younger.

Imagine a young Daniel Radcliffe.

So you're kind of taking the Irishman technology

and taking it even.

Because obviously in the film The Irishman, they used CG technology to make an old Robert De Niro look like an old Robert De Niro who had been unsuccessfully turned into a young

Robert De Niro.

by poorly developed CG technology.

Right.

And an underlying bad idea.

But we're going to improve on that.

And I think we can make it work.

I think second time luck I think it's going to work with us.

We're also going to use CG backwards technology to de-age Emma Watson, you may have heard of,

the actress and campaigner Emma Watson.

We're going to de-age her and she'll be playing Harold's best friend, Hom Ayoni.

Hom Aioni.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

Well, best of luck with all that.

Now, it's lucky you're here, Michael, as this is both a podcast and a wedding wedding for Tanya and Barry.

Be careful saying the word wedding too loud around me.

Sorry, why?

Because

if Jonathan Fransen

has an app on his phone which hacks all of his friends' phones and it hacks into the microphone and it listens out for the word wedding.

Right.

And

if that goes to him, it goes to his Google Maps and interestingly

it hires a horse for him.

And he arrives at there because he loves an evening do.

Jonathan Ranson has ruined more evening do's, and Kashmir Ishigura has burned down branches of TGI Fridays.

Great, well, the reason I'm glad you're here is that often at a wedding there'll be a poem, and you're here to read a poem from your new collection.

So I was wondering whether you could take the poem you were going to read and dedicate it to Tanya and Barry and

do that.

So tell us about the poem you're going to read.

Well, I mean, it is from my

new collection, which is poems exclusively about cow shit.

Ted Highway.

Right.

You're aware of that.

I think we're going to have to go with it.

Okay, well, to promote his new book and to honor the enduring love between Tanya and Barry,

a poem by Michael Banyan.

Okay, maybe I can give it a little tweak to.

I would make it.

Make it about them.

A little something for the happy couple at the end.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

So this poem is simply called Cowshit.

It's based on

a true event that took place in my life.

This is years before the cow face days,

when I was a young up-and-coming poet.

And,

yeah,

I'll let the poem do the talking.

I didn't fit in at the picnic.

Their disdain was barely concealed.

So I said I was feeling a bit sick and escaped by way of a field.

All around me

you lay sleeping.

Gentle faces turned to the skies.

Not talking, not judging,

just softly seeping.

Encrusted turds in the shape of hot pies.

Some fresh-faced and soft,

like an on-the-turn souffle,

and others brittle-skinned with time,

like a rancid creme brulee.

In a way, you look like flying saucers, descended down from heaven.

A race of friendly Martians, all the way from Turdylon 7.

No mouths to mock and to hate me.

No eyes to squint and to judge.

Just bare-faced, feces frisbees,

friends sculpted from rancid old fudge.

I christened the stringy one Jimmy.

Steamy Sue was the bell of the ball.

Runny Jack was dripping on Timmy.

And the lumpy one had to be Paul.

Here was a smooth-faced young Charlie.

And there was a wrinkly old Clive.

And Sven almost seemed to be winking.

Good lord, were they really alive?

Old Hamish had gone a bit yellow, and Keith was attractive to flies.

Red Tim was a strange-looking fellow.

I'll warrant that cow shortly dies.

I was getting the eye from Big Carol, but smooth Jane I desired to embrace.

And gloopy young Sue was a lovely lass, too, as I stooped down to kiss her wet face.

When the picnickers finally found me, they shouted,

Where have you been?

What the fuck are you doing?

What

the fuck are you doing?

Why are you

kissing the turds?

But please can we join you

we're jealous was the far deeper truth that I heard

With my new fecal friends I truly had found companionship rich beyond words

I hear you're a great couple, Tanya and Barry

Like a couple of seeping old turds.

A beautiful tribute.

Thank you very much, Michael.

Sorry, did you just compare me and my husband to cow shit?

Yep.

Yo, I'm not the one that chose to get married during a beef podcast, am I?

Well, the word chose is doing a lot of work there, isn't it?

Kind of say, I think your husband seems very, very odd.

And I'm talking as someone who was there for the whole of Donna Tarte's Laser Quest Every Day for 60 Days phase.

Yeah?

Well, thank you for coming in, Michael.

Michael Banyan, everyone.

Thank you.

Now, for the next stage of your wedding, sadly, Tanya and Barry, many of your friends and family, couldn't be here today, but they've left some message messages for you which we can now watch.

Tanya, hi, Tom here.

Just a quick video message saying, Sorry, I can't be there with you today, but hope you have the best day you can, considering Barry.

Getting married, never thought it all those years ago in the common room that you know you'd end up stuck with him.

But here we are, we all make choices.

Have a really great day, enjoy yourself,

you know, and you know, remember to take some time out in the day and you know, ask yourself, what are you doing?

Alright, have a good one.

Hey, Tanya and Barry, I'm really sorry I can't make it to your wedding.

I just

really don't want to come.

Sorry, it's me again.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it.

I've nearly burnt my key ebbs.

It's Tanya.

Think about this.

It's Barry.

Hi, Tanya.

Hi, Barry.

I'm so sorry I can't be at your wedding.

I hope you have a lovely day.

But I guess it is just as well because Barry's such a boring bastard.

Look, I know we're cousins, but we've got a connection.

Hi, Lucy here.

I just wanted to say congratulations on your big day, Tanya.

And Barry, I'm so sorry I can't be with you today, but I hope that you're having having a lovely time and that Barry isn't ruining it by being an absolute disgrace as usual.

It just, it's Barry, okay?

I'm just, I'm just, I'm just trying to say there are other options out there, okay?

Uh, you know, and I know, right, we're second cousins, but that shouldn't stop anything, okay?

Hey, Tanya, um, so sorry I'm not going to be there at the weekend for your wedding, um, they're going to miss you loads, um, but I hope you have an amazing time,

Yeah, and a wonderful life going forward with.

No, I'm recording a message for Tanya and a boring conference.

It's not illegal to marry your cousin.

Barry, how does that feel watching that montage of well-wishers?

I work at a pin factory!

Sorry, sorry, there is actually one more video message, please.

Oh, Barry.

Okay.

Tanya,

when I found out you were getting married, it felt like a blow to the heart and anus.

Not many people know that the two are intrinsically linked.

Anyway, driven mad with jealousy, I tried to turn your family and friends against Barry, and I'm afraid I sabotaged the room booking to try and stop the wedding going ahead.

I'm so sorry.

It's just that I...

I can't even close my eyes without tasting that

hot orangina.

Tanya, in the process of sabotaging your wedding, I've learned two things.

One, I love you.

And two,

an alarming number of your cousins are sexually attracted to you.

It's not illegal, Bob.

Yes, sir.

Is it?

It's not illegal.

I know Barry isn't a prick.

You know, he's nice.

Too nice, you might say, although I did once, when I was following you guys in the shadows, I did witness, I think, him skipping away after a hit and run.

So, there's a bit of edge.

But the point is, he can't give you what I can give you: passion, spontaneity,

hot orangina.

Bob, you big sexy ass vet.

Barry, I'm sorry.

I work at a big factory.

Tanya,

will you marry me?

I don't.

I don't have a ring, but I do have this dried-up cowziness that I found and had a gun.

It cost me £3,000.

More of that after the break.

Beef and Dairy Network Live is sponsored by New Mitchell's Beef Squared, the world's first beef cattle feed made from beef.

It takes the beef of two whole cattle to feed a single cow with Beef Squared.

So when we inevitably dominate the market worldwide, it will effectively have the number of cattle on earth every generation.

That's a problem we're yet to fix, but what are we going to do?

These beefs need their beef.

New Mitchell's Beef Squared.

Because beef times beef equals beef.

Certain people just make my life easier.

Whether that's a member of my family, my partner, or my beef nurse, ZipRecruiter makes hiring easier because they do the work for you.

ZipRecruiter's technology finds the right candidates for your job and can invite your top choices to apply.

Just go to ziprecruiter.com/slash beef to try it for free.

That's ziprecruiter.com slash beef

slash beef

slash beef.

In a world where meat was banned, only one man can stand up to the state.

I'll have another beer, please, barkeep.

Sure, but hey, I know you.

You're slash beef.

Slash beef?

Slash beef?

beef?

Slash beef?

Slash beef?

That's right.

I'm slash beef.

Life is pretty boring these days.

Now I've defeated the government to intent on stealing everyone's family meat.

And there is no threat to my child, Glenjamin, my baby beef.

Also, my wife was murdered by government goons, and I miss her weird voice.

Why not drink the boredom away, Slash?

Excuse me.

Did I overhear correctly that you are slash beef?

That's right.

I'm slash beef.

Slash beef?

Slash beef.

I'm slash beef.

That's right.

I'm slash beef.

And did I overhear correctly that you are bored of your life and miss your wife with her weird voice?

Weird voice?

Weird voice.

Weird voice.

That's right, weird voice.

Yes.

Yes, I miss her.

Well, what would you say if I told you that there is an unlimited number of parallel universes where your wife is still alive and the government is still trying to steal everyone's family meat, and that I can take you there in this box.

I'd say, let's go.

Okay.

Now hold on tight to the special handles on the box.

Okay.

Quite a ride.

Now this is your home, but in a parallel universe where everything is the same,

but your wife is still alive.

Why are there chickens everywhere?

Oh yes, sorry, that's the only other difference.

This is your home, but in a parallel universe where everything is the same, but your wife is still alive, and there are over 20 chickens in every room.

Oh my god, I think she's through there.

Oh my gosh, tash beef!

Tash beef!

You saved me once again from the government goons and saved our family meat.

If there weren't over 20 chickens in this room, I'd make love to you right here and now.

Let the chickens look, baby.

Oh, Slash!

Stop right there.

Who are you?

What?

You're Slash B.

That's right, I'm Slash Beef.

I'm Slash B.

Slash B.

Slash B?

Slash B?

Slash B?

That's right.

I'm Slash Beef.

And you're fucking my wife.

But Slash, you've just killed yourself

in another dimension.

That will have wide-ranging effects across the multiverse.

Well, you could have explained that beforehand.

I should never have listened to you.

I should have recruited a scientist through ziprecuda.com.

Right.

We're...

And we're back from the abs.

Tanya, will you marry me instead of Barry?

May I say something?

Go on, Barry.

I know I'm not the most exciting man in the world.

I'm not sure if I've ever told you this, but I work in a pin factory.

Maybe that's why so many people in that video called me a prick.

Just a pin joke for you there.

You see, in this world, some people are born with...

with an inherent quality, one that is difficult to define.

Being interesting.

Actually, I suppose that wasn't that difficult to define.

But those people grow up to do interesting things like being insurance claims adjusters or health and safety inspectors or Nicholas Witchell.

Not me.

I work in a pin factory.

And try as I might to become interesting

by buying a hooded jumper or

having a cup of tea after 1 p.m.

or

mixing two breakfast cereals together.

All brown and brown flakes.

It never seems to work.

The most and only interesting thing I've ever done is love you, Tanya.

And that hit and run I did.

Sorry, Barry, that was nice, Nor, but she wants to marry me.

An international globe-dropping art vet with massive hands.

Actually, no, I don't, Bob.

You can't just propose to me on my wedding day.

Yes, we spent a wonderful week together in Mallorca drinking hot orangina.

But Barry is the right man for me.

After that week in Mallorca, you left me high and dry.

And the thing I haven't mentioned yet is that you stole all my travellers' cheques and my passport.

So I actually had to swim home.

Barry would never do that to me.

He's dependable.

And sexually, he goes like a train.

By which I mean that if you take away the element of friction by using a huge electromagnet, he can go up to 300 miles per hour.

Come on, Barry, we're getting married to the service.

Okay, the service will take place using the traditional beef service used to marry members of the Boeing Farmers Union since the Reformation.

Thank you, Tanya.

I work in a pin factory

for you.

Welcome all.

We are gathered here today in the site of beef

to join together Tanya and Barry in holy matrimony.

Tanya and Barry, you've come together this day so that beef may seal and strengthen your love.

And this community of friends and cousins,

I wonder if Michael would do the reading.

It's in the script.

I thought you meant Michael Wozniak.

Who's Michael Wozniak?

No idea.

What, the tractor seat design pioneer, Mike Wozniak?

Yeah.

Beef is patient.

Beef is kind.

It does not envy.

It does not boast.

It is not proud.

It is not rude.

It is not self-seeking.

It is not easily angered.

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Beef does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Beef.

Tanya, repeat after me.

I Tanya.

I, Tanya.

Take thee, Jonathan Tonzano.

Sorry, I take thee, Barry.

I take thee, Barry.

To be my husband.

To be my husband.

Cousin or non-cousin.

Cousin or non-cousin.

To have and to hold for this day forth.

To have and to hold from this day forth.

And Barry.

I've actually written my own vows.

Oh,

so romantic.

Thank you, Barry.

So repeat after me.

I work in a pin factory.

I work in a pin factory.

Was that it?

Yes.

Okay, so by the power vested in beef, I now pronounce you Tanya and Barry.

And now it's time for our final section, Ask a Vet.

Your chance to ask any questions of the vet, Bob Truskothik.

And we'll take an audience mic to this person.

So the first one comes from Clive from Little Hampton, who's over here.

So you can bring the audience mic over.

Hi, Bob.

Hello, Clive.

My horse eggs aren't going down very well with the family.

The horse eggs.

Yeah.

Right at family breakfast.

How can I improve their taste?

Ah,

yes, the bitter acrid taste of the horse egg.

That's a strange phenomenon.

Well, the taste comes entirely visually from a horse egg because they look so foul and rancid.

It's such an overpowering vision that you assume they taste acrid.

So eat them blindfolded.

or score out thine eyes with thine thumbs.

Eat them blind if you're nervous about doing that for the first time.

Then just put them in a sort of mystery breakfast buffet with a few different items.

You've got your horse eggs, you've got your duck eggs, you've got your hams, you've got your yogurts, and you know, try different things.

And you won't notice when the horse eggs go down.

That's the key.

Thanks.

Did that answer your question?

Excellent.

Thank you, Bob, for answering our questions.

Thank you, Bob.

Wait, wait!

I have a question for the vet.

What would you do if you realise you've made the biggest mistake of your life?

Go on.

Look,

I've been married to Jonathan Tomzano, sorry, Barry,

for upwards of seven excruciating minutes.

And the only thing that's made it bearable is that you were there as well.

And honestly, the hit and run thing has left a very sour taste in my mouth.

Well, I can think of something that could take that sour taste away.

Orange Gina, come on, Tanya!

Well, I also have a question to ask a vet.

So you better listen and listen good.

I have a sick pig that keeps vomiting in my shoes and it

Tanya

Bob

Bob

no Tanya why

why

why

I work in a pin factory

What's the point without her?

I'm gonna do myself in.

I'm gonna run myself through with a pin.

So that's all we've got time for this month.

If you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now where you can find all the usual stuff.

And of course, there's the off-topic section where this month we run down Joanna Lumley's favorite Romanian power stations accessible by boat.

But until next time, beef out!

Thanks to Linnaeus Age, Tom Crowley, Mike Wozniak, Henry Packer, Nadia Kamal, Vivian Almond, Rob Gilroy, Clarissa Maycock, William Cleverly, Kim Kenshington, James Maltby, Max Davis, Alan Giles, and also thanks to everyone who came and saw us at the London Podcast Festival.

It was most fun.

Bye.

Hi, I'm Hal Loveland, and I'm Mark Gagliarti, and we're the hosts of We Got This With Mark and Hal, the weekly show where we settle the debates that are most important to you.

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