19 Years & Counting: Building A Relationship Through Communication and Curiosity

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Well, hello, guys.

We are back again for Kate and Ty Break It Down.

I just want to say a huge thank you to all of the adoptees and birth parents that we had come and share their stories.

I don't think people understand how vulnerable that they have to be in order

to share these things, these intimate things, and then on a platform too, where people can judge you or take your stories and twist it and stuff but i just want to say a huge thank you to everybody that jumped on and um is helping just you know spread awareness and more education about adoption i think that that is awesome and huge so definitely just want to say thank you to everybody because i don't think people get how hard it really is i mean these people have lived these experiences and it's like i mean

well and it takes it takes guts yeah you know and it's like they come to us and we're filming it and recording it and you know putting it out there for the world to listen to.

That's hard.

They can tell me that like their families get mad.

Like they like they sent me messages that their families say, why would you do this?

So even behind the scenes, adoptees are like being criticized for just sharing their truth or what they feel that you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Kind of like when you actually see that they take their own power and say something and tell their story and they literally have family members saying

trying to shut them down.

Yeah, what I think is the whole

point: that they're just the one person in this whole adoption triad that just gets completely silenced, yeah.

And yeah, and nobody even wants to listen to them when they're literally saying what is what has been good for them, what has caused harm, what has caused trauma, what they would want to see different.

Like, hello, it's coming out of the mouths of the people the most affected.

And so, for, like you said, for their family to get mad at them for talking about their own story is crazy.

And if the family's getting mad at them, can you just imagine how the internet feels?

Because the internet, I think, is the most ruthless,

cruel

uneducated uninformed just completely i mean i have never seen anyone or any kind of community react the way that the internet does when you talk about if you don't talk about adoption being beautiful and amazing and awesome you're the worst person on the planet like it's it's insane the internet is bad for that yeah it like yeah and i think it's because society has only heard one side for so many years that i keep i keep getting comments saying are you going to show the other side of adoption and i'm like i have to pause pause for a minute.

I'm like, what do you mean?

It's always shown.

Yeah, I'm like, what do you mean the other side?

It's always shown.

Always.

From the adoptive parent perspective of a beautiful, saving this child thing and whatever.

And so I think for so many years, that's the only narrative you've ever heard.

And so when you see one opposing narrative, you're like, why are you not telling the other side?

You're wrong.

Dude, it's like the other side has been, has had the stage ever since it's all started.

No, it really hasn't.

Sit down.

Yeah.

Don't freak out yet.

You're still allowed to have your positive adoption experience.

Right.

But please sit down and let these other adoptees who have not been as blessed as you are and lucky as you are to have that experience.

Let them talk.

Let them speak.

Well, because I feel like it's important, you know, when it comes to like just educating people about adoption.

I mean, with education in any matter, you have to know all sides of every single angle in order to be fully educated about a certain situation or scenario or whatever.

So, it's like, yeah, the good side of adoption has always been talked about unless you watch like a crazy lifetime movie and it's all bad.

But it's like, that's not even real either.

So, it's like, you know, these people are talking about their stories.

And, you know, some of them had, you know, positive adoption journeys.

And other ones are like, no, it caused me a lot of trauma and this is what happened.

But so I just thought it's really important that we say thank you to them because it does take a lot of guts and they had to be super vulnerable to, you know, sit there and spill everything to us.

so i think that's huge um and i'm so thankful that they felt comfortable enough to sit down with us and tell us all these hard things like i feel honored really yeah thank you for like even letting me in to this experience that you've had because i couldn't even imagine well because it it gives us a form of uh it gives us I guess, yeah, like a form of education too, because we, you know, even though we relinquished a child, we never really heard of all of like the dark sides of adoption.

It always was the positives, and we were always fed always just the positives.

And so, when you hear certain things, you're like, wow, I never knew, or I guess I never really realized that adoptees could have so much trauma.

And I think honestly, the biggest thing that we've learned is just that, and this is from genealogists, neuroscientists who study the brain, stating that adoption cannot occur without the baby experiencing trauma.

Yeah.

Whether that trauma manifests itself enough to

be external and behaviors and stuff, but it still happened to the baby's brain.

They still experienced a loss they couldn't communicate or even be emotionally aware to understand what was happening to them.

But their brain did experience trauma.

They experienced maternal separation, and that's a huge thing because we're, at the end of the day, we're human beings, but we're also animals and we...

We that they're biologically connected to the whatever utero they were in.

I mean, that's the only way they knew how to survive.

Yeah.

Right.

So, I mean, I think that was really shocking to me when I first heard it.

I was like, whoa, like, I never, because I think a lot of, I see a lot of mostly older adoptees will comment and say stuff about, like,

you're putting words in our mouths.

Not all of us are traumatized.

And it's like, maybe not all of you guys have externally manifested behaviors from that trauma that you had as a baby.

But.

You did.

You experienced a form of brain.

You did when you were a baby and you maybe don't remember it.

And you haven't, like I said, you haven't externally expressed that manifested that trauma outside of yourself and behavior so people know what's going on but like it happened to you and that's when we say that I'm not saying I'm trying to tell you adoptee to be traumatized you know what I'm saying right now more or less this is what biologically happened to you as a baby who had maternal separation trauma right i mean scientists are basically saying like you know this is a proven thing yeah yeah it's not to like make you feel a certain way it's just giving you the it's just but i will say i feel like for a lot of adoptees that are like either have understood their trauma or worked on it or have, you know, come out of the fog or whatever, like you wouldn't be this triggered by this.

If, if, if, like, you know, if I'm healed and I, and I, it's like my, my example where I was like, someone's like, I had a great dad.

And I'm like, yeah, well, my dad was a crackhead.

It's like, you can't like, yeah, you don't go on people's stuff accommodating that.

Because I'm healed with my dad's stuff.

I'm not, that stuff doesn't trigger me.

Like, right.

It wouldn't trigger me because I'm like, oh, wow, I'm glad you had a great dad.

I was a crackhead in my head.

So I feel like, you know, an adoptee who is healed and informed and trauma-informed, out of the fog, whatever you want to call it, they wouldn't feel so triggered to comment and be like, this is wrong.

And

shut up, and whatever.

So I think it's just, it's weird.

I don't understand it.

Me neither.

But

I think it was amazing.

Yeah.

It was.

It was really nice just to share everybody's stories and things like that.

I feel like the number one questions that I'm seeing a lot is people want to know, like, how long are we going to, you know, how long have we been together?

And then how do we make it work?

So, like, relationship stuff.

Oh, so you're getting like relationship stuff.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, because I've been seeing people that are like, how do you guys make it work after this, after all this long?

Like, how long have you guys been together?

And so we can talk about that a little bit.

And then I do have like questions from people.

And I said said i would keep it anonymous do you have any quite like what like reaction stuff um i mean i don't know it's just just like people wanting advice on certain things you know yeah yeah um

but so me and ty always joke and say we have two anniversaries so one is like july 15th and that's like when we started dating 2006 by the way yep 2006 and then we have our marriage anniversary

And it's funny because I feel like we celebrate the July 15th anniversary more than we we do even our wedding anniversary.

We spent most of our relationship celebrating that day.

Right.

So the marriage is young, really.

It is.

Compared to like the rest of our relationship, but you know what I mean?

But not, I mean, technically, like this year, we're going to be married 10 years.

That's a long time.

It does not feel like 10 years.

I know, it doesn't.

I mean,

the first two years felt like forever.

They always say the first year marriage is hard, and it definitely was.

The first two years were rough, intense.

Yeah.

There was just a lot of evolution going through.

So much shit going on.

But this year, July 15th, will it be 18 years?

Damn, that's pause for a second.

Wait, 06.

So 10 years would be 2016.

Another 10 years would be 2026.

So yeah, 19 years?

Is it 18 or 19?

I don't know.

This is a question for Google.

Okay, yeah, do the math.

Isn't it funny that we've been together so long, we don't know the real number off the top of our heads?

What is it?

2006, guys.

And everyone out there, do the math.

2006 was how long ago?

Let's see.

Was how.

Over 13?

It was 18 years and five months so it will be 19

19 years this year babe weird weird what

and listen we're only 33 so when you think about it we've now been together more than half our lives like

at this point like i'm not just saying if we died tomorrow we would have spent more of our life together than our life not together and apart right trippy isn't that trippy it is it is crazy 19 years i thought it was like 18.

it's 19 wow

yeah it's shocking shocking, isn't it?

I know.

Now that I'm sharing it.

We're trauma bonded.

We're trauma bonded.

So, you know.

For 19 years.

Of course we would forget.

It's just our trauma response.

Seriously, you know.

No, but isn't that wild?

Yeah.

So I guess so.

We've been together for almost 19 years.

Yeah, but married for 10.

And we'll never be able to forget our anniversary, how many years we've been married because it's the exact age that Nova is, which is funny.

Yep.

She was nine months old in that little wagon.

Yep.

She was just a little tiny, little baby, little little baby.

But, so, and I think people don't understand like how I feel like a lot of people don't have faith in

like childhood sweethearts, you know?

Yeah, no, I, well, it's kind of a, yeah, like, oh, it's not going to last.

It's a phase.

Which is rare.

But you know what?

I'm, you know what I think about, though?

That

when you think about it, like, your first love

that young and just your first.

it's so intense.

Your first sexual experiences, all those things are all combined.

And I feel like I don't care if you find your soulmate after that love.

Yeah.

That love is like just cemented into your soul.

Yeah.

And I feel like, like, I, uh, it's the strongest.

I mean, like, it is the strong.

And like I'm saying, like, that young love.

Yeah.

Because I've had people write me and say, like,

you know, I'm so glad I'm not with this person I was with.

You know, I'm glad I'm with my person now, but that first love I I had was the most intense that I've ever had or ever experienced.

And I feel like people can hate on all they want, but it's like, I mean, we could have just fell out of love or we could have went our separate ways.

We could have been abusive to each other, whatever happened, but we didn't.

And so I feel like we just happened to take that huge, crazy like experience and that love and that wild connection just because we just let it kind of grow.

Well, yeah, I think we grew together.

And I feel like some people, if they get together at a young age, you can kind of, you can kind of grow apart.

Like you end up getting different beliefs or morals or values or whatever it is, you know, like you can just kind of end up, yeah, growing apart.

And I feel like we didn't.

But also, what I think people don't realize is like, it takes a lot of work, and we had to put in a lot of work.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, just learning, you know, like we didn't have the best people to look at for relationship advice.

So it was like, how do you communicate?

How do you communicate in the right way?

How do you share feelings?

How do you, you know, like we did lots of therapy separately and together as a couple because because

I hated on for.

You're like, why are you going to therapy at 17 years old?

And I'm like, because I love him.

Well, I also felt like because we knew the connection was real.

So we knew that we didn't want the connection to break apart because of our naive young brains.

That's that's what a waste.

Right.

If there's a way to do it in a good way and figure it out, awesome.

And if that even meant like separating at the end of that, then at least we said we did it all.

That was good.

And do you remember we said that to each other?

We said, listen, we're going to start this therapy journey.

Yeah.

And if it ends up with us not being together, that's what it is.

Yeah.

But, but it's important to do it.

It is.

You know what I mean?

And I think we both kind of went into it accepting the fact that the possibility of us not being together and it, you know, us breaking up from at the end of it was real.

Yeah.

And we accepted it.

Yeah.

And I almost feel like accepting that took the pressure off of like, wait, there's no end goal here.

Let's just figure out who we are, right?

How we communicate, why we communicate the way we do.

Does it work?

Yeah, does it work?

Are we compatible in that way?

Let's just figure it out.

And I mean, and we are, you know, so it's just

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I don't know.

And also, it's like we didn't just do therapy once.

I mean, we would do therapy and then we would go years, and then something would be like, oh, we might need a little help in this area.

And then, hello, that's what they're there for, you know.

Um, and it just happened that we were good together.

But I think people look at it the opposite way.

They're like, oh, well, you need to do so much therapy, so that means you weren't good together.

And it's like, I think people need to get that.

Listen, I don't care how much therapy you do, the amount of therapy you do doesn't dictate how healthy a relationship you have with someone.

Or you know what I'm saying?

No, it's just a curiosity to learn more and understand how the dynamic works.

I mean, outside perspective, I think if I were to see a couple going to therapy, that seems more healthy to me than a couple that is ignoring all the issues and not trying to change and still staying in it.

I'm like, that's toxic.

And also admitting that, oh, if we go to therapy, we're already doomed.

It's like, what?

No.

Because we never had that thought.

It was more just like communicating, you know, how do we talk about certain hard things?

Because we were young.

Hello, we were kids.

You know, he would say something and I would internalize it a different way.

Why?

Because of my own traumas.

And, you know, things I would do would bring up stuff in you.

And we all, we had to learn about that because we were kids.

I didn't.

And when the therapist said certain things about that to me, I was like, oh my gosh, it makes so much sense.

Yeah.

Like, of course it does.

And then I had to learn how to say, hey, when you said that, it made me feel like ABC.

And then it would give you the floor to say, oh my God, no, I did not mean it that way.

Or no, this is how I meant it.

So it was like, yeah, we were literal kids that grew up together.

We were learning together.

And

we didn't have to do it that way.

We just knew that.

Like, I think a lot of, I think what happens to a lot of young couples that get together is they just, they, they, they hit the bumps in the road and they just go, they're so young and underdeveloped that they're just like, this isn't right.

Yeah.

And it's like, maybe that's true.

But also,

we never thought of it that way.

We thought of it like, wait a minute.

We knew how strong and authentic our connection was, and we didn't want to just let it die for something so stupid or something so minimal that we didn't, you know what I mean?

So I think when we started going to therapy at 17 years old, it was about all the stuff that happened.

You didn't know why you lied.

I didn't know.

I knew that you weren't, that wasn't who you were.

And you know what I mean?

Like it just, so many things led us into the door.

And I'm so glad that it did because.

Right.

And I think when you grow up together too, like you said, about the whole, like me not understanding the whole lying thing, which came stemmed from trauma and stuff.

It was like, if I didn't have a good, solid partner to see the good in me, you know, what have I ever learned about that?

What, you know what I mean?

How long would it have taken me to learn about that?

Like,

because I do have somebody that loves me, and I can be like, oh, yeah, like, I can see where you're coming from.

And why, why do I react in those ways?

You were pretty moved.

I remember being in a therapy session and you started crying.

You were like, I'm so mad at myself that

I allowed myself to lie to keep the peace.

And remember, Kathleen was like, Well, that's why we're here, though, is because that realization is important.

Right, it was ever since that happened.

We got that therapy session.

You were like, dude,

I can't even lie about the sky being blue or white.

I'm getting anxiety because I think that awareness creates that connection of like, whoa, this is not authentic to who I really am.

And I swear, when we were younger, I'm like, I know this is not.

I was a peacekeeper.

Yeah.

And I was like,

I think, and like I said, if our connection and bond wasn't that strong, I would have just been like, you you a lion bitch.

I'm out.

You know what I'm saying?

Right.

Like, red flag.

Yeah, like, red flag, I'm out.

But I just, I knew, I didn't know.

I just got the sense and I knew that your heart and soul, this wasn't who you really were.

No, and that was very eye-opening for me.

I mean, there's been lots of things that we've learned in therapy that's been very eye-opening to me and makes sense.

It's like, oh my gosh, how could I not see this?

You know?

Or like, even me with my, my way of delivery, like learning about how you,

how I deliver things is impactful, especially with someone who has your experience growing up.

So then I was like, whoa, Tyl, you need to back the fuck up and

breathe and think about

pump the brakes.

Just a little bit.

Yeah.

You're going to speak something.

And so, and I'm going to tell you right now, that's still a struggle for me.

I still have a hard time.

Like,

how I deliver things is just as important as my intention behind what I'm saying.

So I have to always keep telling myself, what is my intention with saying this?

Like, what is my true intention with saying this?

And is my delivery matching that intention?

Yeah.

And I let's keep, it's like a constant thing.

And I think if I never was with someone like you to make me aware of that process,

I never would have, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

I probably would have made a lot of people unhappy.

So I feel like it just happened to be like we nurtured the strong authentic connection we had instead of letting it fizzle out or over something dumb.

And I remember everyone thinking we were crazy for going to therapy at that young of an age.

But I wonder if it's because on a level, like our souls knew, hey, no.

I think so.

Like, hey, we're supposed to be together.

We're going to travel this thing together.

Something will happen.

I do.

I mean, I believe in soulmates full, like, through and through, 100%.

I mean, I think I've said it on here before that it was like when I met you, I was like, I'm going to marry this kid.

Which is crazy to me.

I'm going to have his babies, which is nuts.

Yeah, you're probably like, she's a psychopath.

She's crazy.

She's a psychopath.

Right.

Clairvoyant over there.

I just had, I don't know.

I just had bot.

I was like, yep, he's my person.

And I think that says a lot to do with like, why would we have gotten a therapy at 17?

Most 17-year-olds would be like, you lied or whatever.

I don't like the way you speak.

But I also think, too, like, you know, it's not great, but it is, I think, the reason why we acted the way we did is like we were only 17 going to therapy, but I feel like throughout life, we went through so many obstacles and hardships that it kind of forces you to grow up faster than what you should be.

So we were, like, I remember even being around our friends and stuff and being like, I feel way more mature than these people.

I think back in a sense.

I wouldn't even say mature.

I would just feel like I'm not on this level.

Mature.

Yeah, but I think much, but I didn't know that was what it was back then.

I'm just thinking, like, they would make jokes or they would do something.

I'm just like, oh, yeah, yeah, okay, got it.

Yeah, it didn't, it didn't, the vibe wasn't there.

Yeah, so that, right.

But I do think that's why.

So, I think, like, we were forced to grow up faster and become aware of

more of like adult things at a young age.

Yeah.

So, it was like, I think we were just more aware.

But I think that curiosity drove us to keep going.

You know?

I think people, obviously people have different opinions about our relationship as far as like, oh, I know there's new conspiracy theories every day.

Oh, gosh.

But you know, like, yeah, like, you know, we're controlled or I'm controlling or you're, you know.

Somebody save me.

Yeah.

Trauma bonded.

I'm a.

Save me.

Help me, please.

Yeah.

Like, I'm like, come on.

Like, I've said that before.

I'm like, like, I'm just this weak bitch.

Like, and you think that I would raise daughters thinking that women are supposed to just bend over for men and be controlled?

Like, that's disgusting.

I know.

But then again, I'm like, think whatever you want about me, but I know that I'm raising my girls to, like, they will smack a dude if they have to.

Yeah, and I also feel like the whole conspiracy theory about like me pressuring you to do certain things or make decisions is just so like, I think, I think people's hatred for us is so strong that they're willing to accept any conspiracy theory that validates validates that echo chamber.

They were talking to us, who are the source of this theory, and they're just not believing it.

No, they just want to, they say, No, that doesn't fit with my thing, though.

I like it over here because all these people over here agree with me, and we keep talking shit about you guys.

I don't, don't tell me the truth.

I don't want to hear it.

I want this truth.

Yeah, they just don't want to believe it.

Okay, like if you want to choose to

literally, your reaction is how I feel.

Like, okay, fine.

I'm like, whatever.

You're prioritizing your hate over us for the the truth.

Yeah.

And I think that's

silly.

And the fact that there's people out there who have a whole page dedicated to dissecting these conspiracy theories about us and

saucing.

And we ain't even that cool, bro.

Like, don't you have your own kids?

And husband, your poor husband.

Like, you're over here, you know,

walks in the room.

Oh, are you talking about Caitlin and Tyler again?

Okay, cool.

I'm going to go by myself.

Poor guy probably hasn't been kissed in months, you know?

He's like,

well, it's crazy.

It's like, dude,

I get into things and subjects, but I am.

Never with anybody.

I've never been this obsessed about somebody else's relationship.

I don't know why people do it.

Or like making threads and just making these pages.

It's like, you must be forcing me to

say all these things.

And, you know, I have no voice.

Lord, help me.

Somebody help me.

Maybe that I have some secret like.

Wink of my eye.

Don't say that, bitch.

But it's funny because they're like, she's a controlled woman and she can't, you know, she's just stuck and will say anything he wants.

And then again, and then you have the other side where people are like, He's in a lavender marriage, yeah, I'm a narcissist, right?

He's actually really gay,

like, where it's so crazy.

Actually, I think what it, I think, what part of it might be too is like, I feel like people who are not truly happy within themselves and maybe their own relationships look at somebody who's in a good relationship and a healthy relationship, and they hate it so much, or they just cannot believe that anything like that exists in the world.

So they have to come up with any kind of thing they can pull out of the clouds to make it not make sense for them.

And no matter how many times I say it, no matter how many times I speak it till I'm blue in the face,

I would be speaking for years if I tried to.

Like people that aren't going to believe me and think that I would stay in a relationship like that, go for it because.

Yeah, I'm happy and I sleep really good at night.

And I know my girls will pick amazing people because they know how our relationship is and they see it.

So I'm like, whatever.

I think it's one of those things where it's like, like you said, they don't want to believe it.

So instead of believing it, because they maybe don't have it or never experienced it, they'd rather, like I said, come over here.

This crazy group, like, yeah, that's what I thought.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

It's like, dude, okay.

It's funny.

If only people, if some of the people knew, like, we just laugh at them.

But it's hard not to, yeah.

You have a whole

picture on your whole

whole personality is talking about right, thank you, yeah, a hair flip, yeah, thank you, but it's it's

keep us famous, thank you, it's borderline obsessive and weird.

I think it's funny because the ones who are telling us that we're like obsessing about Carly and we're you know, we're obsessing about I'm like, I haven't spoken about it.

I'm like, dude, what?

Are you projecting?

I'm pretty sure that you are obsessed, you're obsessed, bro.

That's what I mean.

I spent a whole year making a video every day.

I'm like, where are your kids?

Like, I know you say people, some of these people are like, I have kids and a husband.

I'm like, where?

Where?

Are they fed?

I don't know, bro.

Have they seen you this today?

Hopefully you changed them.

Like, I don't know what's going on.

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I mean, because people ask all the time, how do you keep it going?

And I think it's just communicating.

You just have to speak.

You can't, you have to speak your feelings when you're feeling things.

You can't because it'll build into yeah it is hard but then if you don't it will turn into resentments and resentments are horrible because then that's just going to eat you alive and one day you're going to explode on somebody well like i said i i really believe that resentments are the killer that is the thing that kills relationships because in and and who's responsible for resentments building or not the person that's not speaking people get that very confused they blame the behavior like you made me feel like this you hurt me whatever it is it's like and and they and i didn't speak about about it for years because I'm just holding it in.

Well, it's your fault.

It's not my fault, though.

Yeah, right.

How are they supposed to know?

So I think people have this feeling of resentment, but instead of taking accountability for their part in building that resentment, they just vilify the person who they believe caused this resentment.

You know what I mean?

Yes, and then you need to take responsibility and say, that's why I'm saying, if I have a feeling, something happened where I might, oh, I'm going to tell you how I feel and it might hurt your feelings.

I have a duty to do that and risk your feelings feelings being hurt.

So that way I don't build resentment, which will kill us five years from now when everything blows up out of nowhere.

Well, because I feel like, like, what you're saying is then that person is looking at the person that they have resentments with, and you're thinking this person can read your mind the whole time.

Like, they don't know that you're mad that.

He doesn't help around the house after he gets home from work, you know, or whatever the case is, you know, like they don't know those things.

They can't read minds because, yeah, you're right.

Then you're almost like putting it all on this person, right?

But they're like blindsided.

Like, what?

I would never have been told anything.

Honestly, and when you think about it, the other person may sit there and think, nothing's wrong.

They love me.

We're in love.

We're at work.

This is great.

We're in more love today than we were yesterday.

In other words, it's like, oh, on the inside.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Like, you, you, so, yeah, I always say resentments are

individuals' responsibility to allow that thing to build or not.

Yeah.

You have control over that resentment building or not.

And you've got to take accountability and responsibility.

Yeah, you got to talk about it.

Letting it happen because that will destroy it.

It'll destroy the relationship.

And then I guess that leads into the next thing where it's like, if you don't feel comfortable enough or safe enough to speak to the other person about whatever you're feeling, then that's a that's a huge red flag right there.

Which actually is something I learned in therapy with like my delivery stuff.

It's my duty to make a space safe enough for you to feel that you can tell me something.

Right.

And same, I think that that's for every person in the relationship, you know, same, you know, like I should make you feel safe enough by however I react and same with you, you know?

That's like why I put that thing in the wedding that I just officiated or whatever.

I put in there.

Like, it's not about,

it's not your responsibility

to make them happy, but it is your responsibility to

how you love them.

Right.

That's your responsibility.

It is.

And the other person has to teach the other person how.

This is how I feel loved.

Right.

And so I think it's important that like you take accountability for the shit that you bring into this dynamic.

I mean, you know, because it's a two-way street.

It is a two-way street.

It's 100 and 100.

And I just feel like that resentment.

See now, and it's funny because now what we can't even go hours without, all right, I just got to say something.

I feel like, you know, earlier you were being mean or whatever.

I'm not even animal that shit is.

Yeah, like now.

And it takes practice.

So now we're to the point where we can't even,

we can't even go hours without.

Speaking about something.

Well, no, or if there's an issue, I need to squash it now.

Yeah, right now.

I can't wait.

Can't walk around the house and pretend that we're going to talk about it later.

No,

We need to talk about it now.

Like that tension is.

No.

It brings up anxiety.

It's like,

you got to talk about it.

And then I feel like

you're not giving yourself the permission to feel authentically.

You're like, what do you want for dinner?

Chicken.

Okay, I really want to.

Oh, like, you made me so mad earlier.

Now I got to talk about chicken.

Like, you're just like, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

You're not.

That's like, I could never be one of those couples that, like, something really happens.

They just, like, pretend.

try to go about their day pretending that nothing ever happened.

That would drive me literally nuts.

I'd have anxiety.

And I'm not doing it to myself.

Yeah, it would drive me nuts.

That's why why I said I'm gonna risk your feelings, possibly may get hurt, which we repair that.

I can say sorry for this later on, right?

But if you know what I mean, or like you said, or you focus on the delivery, yeah, you know, and sometimes I can focus on the delivery, and it's still hard, hard, hard to hear, hard to hardly hardly or whatever.

So I feel like, I like I said, it's I'm gonna risk hurting your feelings because I know I can apologize for that later,

but I'm willing to risk that so that way there's no resentment being built, yeah, and there's no weird animosity and no tension.

Because honestly, I think a lot of people grow up with parents who did that.

And so they feel kids can feel tension.

Yeah, like yelling at each other.

They're adults.

And if you want to, you know, we're in a situation, these two adults are fighting with each other.

I'm making friends with both of them.

It's like,

you can feel the tension, which creates anxiety.

And we have kids who don't know how to manage.

They don't know how to emotionally regulate yet because they're so young.

So it's like our duty also as parents too is like, dude, I cannot allow to have this tension just brewing between two people.

And the kids are just like, What's going on?

And I mean, and there's even been instances like between you and me where it's like we're having a conversation about something,

even and

I mean, even when our kids can hear it, and it's not even about like adult things or anything.

Like, say, I don't know, say he cops an attitude with me, and I'm like, hey, like, you know, you, what's wrong?

You really kind of gave me an attitude, you know?

And are you okay?

Did I do something?

Because also, I remember somebody saying years ago where it's like, if you protect your kids from everything,

then they're not gonna even know when they're older how to have a healthy discussion with a sick with their significant other about an issue that they're having like if they just think like oh my mom and dad never fought like even that can be damaging right you know and it's not like we have every discussion in front of the kids right but it's like i think it's important for them to see little things and us come to a conclusion because that's also teaching them to how to have good conversations with somebody that they love and care about.

It's not about, like I said, it's not about

if you have disagreements.

It's how you have those disagreements.

And you're right, because I think putting on a happy face and like mom and dad are always eating.

Oh, right.

It's just, it's not reality.

And so how are you going to help the kid when they grow up and end up being with someone?

How are you going to teach them how to manage disagreements?

Right.

It's going to happen.

You're right.

They need to see the disagreements happen in real time and the conclusion that happens from it and all the whatever.

You know, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that hug.

Oh, I love you so much.

You know, whatever.

Right.

It's important for them to see it.

You're right.

Because I think people,

but I think that's also like the older generation where they would, like, I'm not going to get divorced.

I'm going to stay with this person I hate.

And they'd hide everything.

Until the kids get older and graduate from school, and then I'll divorce them.

Which that's not good.

It's not good.

Especially for the kids.

You think it's going to be good, but that's like more damaging, I feel like.

You just spent 18 years of teaching them how to have an unhealthy relationship with somebody.

Right.

Yeah.

I would never.

That's not service.

That's not servicing them at all.

You know what I mean?

So it's like you literally just kind of fucked yourself and your kids because they turn 18.

The last youngest one turns 18, graduates.

Like, me and my dad are getting divorced.

like you know what i mean my whole life yeah yeah and so like i don't know i just think that's not the smartest thing to do i think uh i think the trauma from as a kid from parents getting divorced that can be worked through and kind of just dealt with in real time yeah over the course of

18 years of thinking your parents love each other and all and this is how relationships work and no that actually affects the kids on how they're gonna have relationships with other people and so you have a duty as a parent to show them this is how you do it.

So you're right about like you, you know, you do have to not shelter them too much from

they're not going to know what to do.

Yeah.

You know, like how confusing.

Teach them, you know, conflict resolution skills.

Like, this is how you do it.

And so it's not about if you have conflict, it's how you have conflict.

Yeah.

And I think it's funny, like, for people to think that I need you all the time.

Remember, it was like a few years ago where I was like, I don't need you, but I want you.

Yeah.

Like, I want you in my life.

You know, like, I don't need you, but I want you in my life.

I choose you.

You know, yeah, I choose you and I want to be with you.

And, you know, that's just how it is.

And I also think you bring up a good point about like, you shouldn't need somebody.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

You should, you should be fine.

You should be good on your own and recognize.

I mean, it would hurt.

It would suck.

Of course.

It's like, but to need someone.

Yeah.

That's putting way too much of your own personal

feelings and self-esteem and whatever on someone else.

Right.

Screw that.

That's, I'm, yeah.

I never, like, I said, I don't ever need you.

You never need me.

We choose each other.

We want each other.

Yeah.

That's all it's what it is.

And I feel like, I don't know.

I, and I feel like you and I are just,

I think we've put in a lot of the hard work.

We've learned about each other.

We've grown together and, you know, worked on certain things that we needed to.

And honestly, I'm like, you're, you're my best friend.

Like when I hear like some of my like people that I know like complain about their husbands or they're like, I can't wait for him to leave or go hunting.

So I have time alone.

I'm like, I don't relate.

Maybe it's our trauma bond.

Yeah, no, I'm like, I don't relate.

Like, I would rather hang out with you than like,

or like, if my girlfriends invite me to the bar, I'm like, can my husband come?

You know, like, no, bitch, leave that motherfucker.

It's a girlfriend,

you know, or I would rather like sit at home and watch a movie with you.

And, you know, or just like, I don't know.

How many people make you feel like that's wrong?

I don't like that.

I'm over.

I'm like, you're not going to tell me you guys are too enmeshed.

You guys spend too much time together.

And I'm over here like, wait a minute.

Isn't this the point to find your soulmate and your companion?

Yeah.

And be with them.

And be with them and want you to be with them.

And if you had a choice to choose between going out with this or hanging out here, you're going to hang out here.

So people are like, that's too, that's unhealthy.

And I'm like, I don't think that's unhealthy because it'd be different if we were arguing and we were right, attacking, yeah, you know, but it's like, no, we actually just really enjoy cuddling and watching a movie, and I would,

I'm, I'm not apologizing that I would rather spend time with my wife, right?

It's weird than like, I think it's weird, like people that talk crap about their husbands and like bitch about them and stuff.

I'm like, you're weird.

That's weird to me.

Like, why are you with them?

You know, it's weird.

I agree.

I mean, I get like wanting your own time.

And we do that.

Like, you want your girls or whatever.

It's fine.

Cool.

And it's like, but but I feel like if I had a choice,

no, like 95% of the time, I'm gonna choose to hang out with my wife.

Yeah, you know,

but I also feel like people are like, oh, you know, like, oh, if you're best friends, that means you shouldn't be best friends because that ruins the whatever you want to call it, the romantic, whatever.

That's dumb.

Bro, that is so far wrong.

Right, then it could be just like friends with benefits, then?

Yeah,

no, but for real, like, dude, for you to sit there and think that, like, that is that equals each other is weird to me.

Like, what?

Like, we've been together 19 years.

We know every inch of our body, what we like.

Like,

guys, I wish for everyone to have it.

Yeah, no, for sure.

Find it to where it, dude, unspoken words.

Yes, move.

Ain't nothing, ain't nothing going on.

I know you want to have a long session, short session.

I know, like, we

know how to do it.

And it's like, dude, that kind of connection is so like invaluable.

Like, there's no way you can put a price on it.

Like, and I wish everyone to have it.

And if you want to look at it and say, Ew, that's your best friends, you're not lovers.

Like, dude, bro, we're both.

Sorry, whatever, dude.

Like, hey, that's fine.

And siblings.

Don't just kidding me.

Step siblings.

Yeah.

Sorry, I had to throw it in there because that's pretty much what you say.

We're incest from marriage.

I think it's really funny how people, like, there are some dumbass people that really believe

that it's incest.

I'm like, bro.

Like,

yeah.

Are you on drugs?

I think you should do more ketamine because you're believing that us being

ironically sep-parents or sep siblings when we were 17s, our fucking crackhead parents got married.

Like, bro, that does not make us literally made me die laughing.

It's ancestral.

It's ancestral and it's wrong.

Like, what are you talking about, bro?

Woo.

I think that filler be getting to your head.

You know what I'm saying?

It breaks me up.

Oh, my God.

So funny.

Oh, man.

But I mean, A, I don't expect

anything more from that side of the track.

You know what I'm saying?

From that side of the track.

Like, I mean, A.

Oh, it makes me laugh.

It's crazy.

It was so funny.

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It's pretty funny.

I think it's funny because, like, I think people,

I don't know if people, I don't know if people think that we're sitting here like and we see these trolls online or anyone say anything about us.

And we're just like, oh my God.

Like,

not all actually.

It's about me.

Like, bro, if you only knew how many nights we sit in our bed and just laugh at ourselves.

So hard.

I'll be honest with you, I have to admit, some of the haters, man,

they say some funny ass

shit.

Like,

I know I got a weird shaped head and I know.

Like, they say some stuff that actually makes me fucking laugh because I understand what you're saying.

No, some of them.

And then some of them, them you just laugh because it's so ridiculous.

You're like, what?

Like, what?

Oh, man.

It's like, it's like, I'm like, I don't know where you pulled that at, but it's fucking hilarious.

Oh.

I know, because this fucking, that girl, man, I don't know what's going on up there.

I don't feel like there's a whole lot, but

makes me laugh.

That's for sure.

She always surprises me.

Oh, God.

If you, yeah,

if you can make,

make out what she's saying half the time, I don't know, but that's

by the end of the time that she's talking, I feel like I'm dumber than I was before I started.

Or I swear,

I feel like I've been listening for a minute.

I'll be like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And by the end of the conversation, I'm like, what the fuck?

Yeah, because there's like one items here, bro.

It's like listening to Trump speak.

Like, oh, Lord, help me.

Speaking in circles.

People defend him.

Like, oh, Jesus, Lord.

Oh, Lord.

That's a whole different episode for that guy.

That'll be like,

you know what I mean?

No, a whole different episode.

Bro.

Yeah, man.

And so, like, it's like people are, their interest, they're like, how, um,

oh, you're doing the questions right now?

Well, no, but I was just, no, I am in a little bit, but I know have, I just remembering of what people asked, like, how do you keep the spark alive in the bedroom after 19 years?

That kind of goes back to what I was just saying, though.

Yeah.

We know each other so well that, like, that spark doesn't even need any, uh, doesn't need any maintenance it's right there it's just there because we spent so much time

exploring getting that d

learned how to take it through that yeah without no pain but like

yeah like dude we just spent so much like i said we want a short session long we know bro like it's such a beautiful thing and i hope everyone finds it because but i think it also comes back to communication you have to communicate about your wants and needs true you're right you know you had to like you have have to be like and it might feel you might feel nervous to say it but it's like you just got to say it you do yeah you're right and i guess yeah because there are a lot of things that you taught me that i didn't know because i will say we got together so young that we didn't have a lot of experience with other people no so i'm not sure of

i don't you know i gotta learn stuff you gotta learn stuff and that's what communication does which i think is you're right it's important hey that i don't like that that doesn't feel good that does whatever like you know that hurt do that again whatever yeah don't do that again do that again like you know what i'm saying like i don't know it is you got to communicate you have to communicate And I think it's one of those things that if you're, if you're having a hard time communicating that, I think you should go see a therapist.

Absolutely.

Like, even if it's just a sex therapist, just go to that specific person for that specific thing.

Right.

Because I feel like I'm hearing a lot of stories and people are saying, oh, like, you know, when that, we, our other episode, people were writing me and saying, I do the same thing with my husband.

I'm like, that's a communication issue.

Like, what's going on?

You're talking about the whole like masquerading when her husband's asleep.

And the husband don't know about it.

And I'm like, that's what I'm saying.

And then you got a lot of, then you got messages of other women saying that they do the same thing.

Yeah, that's crazy.

More messages that I was like, wow, this is a very common thing.

And I'm not talking about even in the bed.

Like,

women are writing me saying they're excited for their man to leave so they can do their own thing.

And I'm like, whoa, like, I don't know.

I think that comes down to kind of a misogynistic viewpoint that society has had with sex because they believe it's all about the guy as long as he's satisfied, as long as he's good, we're good.

And it's like, that is so false, bro.

Yeah.

That if anything, I think women think about it as much as men do, maybe even more.

They just don't feel comfortable in society to talk about it because men are always prioritized over.

And my whole thing is, if you're not getting anything out of sex, this is my, this is just me, my opinion.

If you're not getting any enjoyment out of sex, what the fuck is the point?

I'm not going to even do it then.

What a chore.

Yeah, like what?

I would be like,

nah, nah, bro.

Remember, I said out earlier, I was like, listen, I will never allow or let it feel like something.

And I, a lot of women told me, well, I just get over with.

Hurry up.

Like, you, yeah.

Fuck, dude.

Because then how does that make the man full?

I would say.

You don't know that she feels that way.

She's faking it.

Oh, that was great.

In her head, she's like, hurry up and leave so I can do my own thing.

That is a lack of connection.

And that is, that's what sex is all about.

It's about connection.

And if you communicated things you like, it'd probably make him even more excited and you excited too.

Exactly.

And also, going back to resentments, how would you not, how would that not build resentments inside?

You're not getting satisfied physically, but everything, what if everything else was great?

Money was great.

Finances, he's amazing.

I don't think it is, though.

She's special.

Yeah, true.

You know what I mean?

Because I'm thinking, like, if you can't, if you don't feel comfortable even communicating about your sexual needs, I don't think you're communicating about certain issues.

You're probably right.

You know what I mean?

Like, I feel like that would be, that's a connection right there, in my opinion.

Like, maybe you don't have good communication if you can't feel comfortable.

Maybe that actually is a good indicator that you should do more, deeper work.

Yeah.

Because if you can't talk about this, that's what I'm thinking.

No, you're right.

It's a good point because, yeah, I feel like,

yeah, if you're not communicating it, but I was actually shocked by the amount of women who were like, oh, I did this.

Yeah, no, that's crazy to me.

What is going on in this world today?

And I'm telling you, did you see any guys that say they do it?

No, exactly.

Not one.

But like I said, I think it's because

we're in a weird part of society where 50 years ago it was this and then now 50 years later It's like this and so I think we're still getting out of the transition period of like, hey, we should not be prioritizing men.

And I feel like more women are they are they're in that part, you know, but yeah, let's keep it going because just the message I'm getting, I feel bad for you.

I also feel bad for your guy because he's over here, like

he's over here, like, I'm amazing.

That was great.

You love that, don't you?

Yeah, and she's like, Yeah, it's great.

And then she's secretly, you know what I'm saying?

I'm like, Come on, man.

Like, that sucks for both of you guys.

That sucks for both, you guys.

Yeah, because I'm sorry.

I've always told you that.

I'm like, if I wasn't getting pleasure out of sex, I would not do it.

What's the point?

No, dumb.

Especially, but I think women have a different opinion than that.

They're going to go, well, it's for him.

Stop.

Oh, no.

Stop.

Stop doing that, bro.

I'm going to sit here get

pounded in the cervix for nothing.

You know, like, hell no, I'm not.

Not happening.

I'm going to say, oh, that shit hurts.

Move it this way.

You know?

Yeah.

And I'm just like, oh, this is for you.

Oh, my God.

Then you're walking around for two days in cramps.

Hell no.

Like, it's one of those things where it's like, dude, you're actually disservicing yourself.

You think you're doing, oh, I'm a good wife for me to lay down for him.

Hell no.

What the?

No, I'm going to tell you right now.

That was like the 20s.

I'm going to tell you the 40s, 50s.

Everyone, pay attention.

No fucking guy, no guy wants their woman to just lay down for them and just,

dude.

I contest.

What?

I contest.

Is that the right word?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I bet you there are some men out there that would prefer their woman to just lay there.

That's.

Because there are some sick-ass men out there.

Sorry, there's sick ass women, but there is also some sick-ass men out there.

Okay, another good point with that, though, is that men realize, read, read, you know, come as you are.

Like, there's certain books out there everyone should read.

But biologically speaking, it's harder and it always will be for women to get enjoyment the same way that men do.

So you have a, in my opinion, we have an imbalance here.

Super easy for me to get enjoyment, not as easy for women.

So I have a responsibility to kind of

balance that scale.

So you have a responsibility as a man to make that enjoyable for her.

So that way it services you or whatever you want to call it, make the connection happen.

Like, so my opinion is, like, hey, you don't do nothing until she's already had one or two.

Then you can go ahead and do whatever you want to do.

And that's, I don't know.

And I do think, and I do think there is men out there that do, I, that do think like you.

I think there is a lot of them.

But, you know, it's like, sometimes you just have some of those people, some of those guys out there where you're like, ew, you're a tool, they're not interested, right?

Like, they're only worried about themselves, which is weird.

I love you so much that I, in fact, I would say the opposite.

I, I, I could go, I don't, like I said, I can get enjoyment easier than you can.

So, if anything, it's more about you because it's like that's this is what this is all about.

I, I'm, I'm golden over here, I'm guaranteed to have a great time, you know what I'm saying?

Right, and that's what I mean about the there's a balance with between men and women.

That, like, men, it ain't hard for us to have a good time, it is for women.

So, understanding that, being aware of it, and then making sure she's prioritized first, I think is probably the best bet you have.

Yeah.

And I think women, and I think, and I think other women out there that have husbands that are intrigued and asking questions and wanting to know, that's a good dude.

Yeah.

Like, he wants to know, you know, like that, that is a green flag.

Yep.

And you have to communicate your possessive feelings.

You really need to.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

I couldn't imagine.

No.

And I'll be honest with you.

I've said it from the beginning.

I believe

that a lot of issues start start in the bedroom and they leak out like a ripple effect in a pond.

It's like, oh, it starts here, but all of it just comes out.

It comes out and communicating outside with certain things.

It's definitely emotions.

It does.

I mean, this is very important.

It's all you have at the end of the day.

That's why, like, that's what I was saying, too.

Like, if you're not communicating in the bedroom, I really don't think you're communicating about other issues outside of the bedroom, you know?

Like, I don't think that that's happening at all.

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So I did, I asked, um, I asked all of our the followers today, the page.

I was like, if you want any like anonymous, any anonymous like relationship-esque questions

to give them to me.

And I'd already told them, like, I don't want to ever say names, nothing like that.

So if you ever write in, I always keep it anonymous and always will.

Cause I mean, you know, unless somebody was like, say my name.

Yeah, so my husband knows.

Right.

Then I would be like, okay, girl, gotcha.

Okay, Jimmy?

Right.

Listen up.

Hey, Jimmy Dean.

You better, you know.

So, like, I think this is a good one because I I feel like I hear, I hear and I see this a lot on social media.

Um,

this, this wife says, like, my husband is a good husband, but he's more into work than helping around the house.

Now, that can get frustrating as hell.

I could see where that could get interested.

Like, he's more into work.

I think that what she means is, like, you know, she's more into work, but, like, doesn't help around the house.

But what guy is more interested in work?

I think, but that's what she, you know, she's meaning, like, as in, like, he's more into work, prioritizing probably work over.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

But like, now he's more interested, but yes.

Yeah, but you mean you can only fit so many words into the world.

Um, but like he's a good husband, but more, like, doesn't want to help around the house after work.

Like, I could see.

Why?

I guess.

Probably, he, I don't know.

Maybe, does he have the mentality of like, I worked all day?

That's not, I hate them.

Because a lot of men have that.

Okay, well, can we stop the mentality of that?

Because I'll be honest with you, studies have been done.

We have proven it with science that taking care of women, staying home, even men, stay-at-home parents.

Yeah, because men do.

The study equivalent, and you can look it up, equivalents to being like 75 to 80 hours per week.

Yeah, unpaid.

Unpaid, unappreciated, no money involved with it.

The hardest job you can do.

Hardest job you can do.

Yeah, so

I don't think that's a good enough excuse anymore.

And I think we've all

know this.

And I'm not saying that he should have to come home to a dirty house and clean the whole house.

I'm I'm saying that he comes home and does

honestly.

What is the worst task she hates?

If it's folding laundry, just fucking fold the laundry when you get.

If she has to fucking drink, or if she cooked you, if she cooked you a fucking dinner and you got home from work, do the fucking dishes.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, there's things you can, I think what it comes down to is that saying, hey, this is a task that I just, when I, because I think what she's saying is that she knows when she's doing a task and he's not sitting on the couch or swearing on his phone.

She knows what she's feeling.

So that moment, whatever you can, if you can pinpoint what it is that just really

just makes you feel that way, you say, you know what?

I'm not doing this anymore.

All the other stuff in the house taken care of, I'm not doing this.

Right.

You have now one task.

You come home from work.

You have one task or two or three.

Whatever she gives you that she just can't

do that.

Then do it.

And I also feel like you can't use that excuse.

I made all the money.

I go to work.

No, because she might work too.

She didn't even say.

You know what I mean?

Like, what if she works too and takes care of the kids?

That's happening a lot more now.

You know what I mean?

Even if she doesn't have a nine-to-five getting a paycheck job, she is still working, bro.

And you've got to understand that when you're at work busting your ass, she's at work busting her ass.

She just doesn't get a paycheck for it.

She doesn't get a pat in the back by society for providing for her family.

It's all really under the radar, underappreciated work, really.

And to be the hardest job with no money.

So please understand that you're not justifying your laziness by coming home after work and not doing anything just because you think she didn't do anything.

She did, she did.

Right.

Do you have clothes in the morning for your work?

Right.

Do you have food in your belly?

Do you, do you, you know what I'm saying?

Are your kids dressed or cleaned?

Are you bathed?

Are they bad?

Are you, do you, are a forest full of shit?

You know what I mean?

Like, there's certain things.

And I think if men would just kind of reel it back and be like, that is a lot of work.

And that's why I love.

I wish I could find the study, but it was like 75 to 80 hours a week.

I've seen it somewhere before.

That like stay-at-home parents, that's what they experience.

So you can't use an excuse no more, motherfucker.

And again, I think that you should communicate.

Like, hey, I feel like I do all the work in the house.

I feel like I'm the one who's constantly cleaning and nobody's helping because that can become very emotionally overwhelming.

I couldn't imagine.

Like mentally, mentally, I mean, mentally overwhelming.

Oh, yeah.

Well, honestly, like I said, that little space there, whoever wrote this, that space that you're operating in is where resentments can build.

So be very careful.

And please speak to him about it.

Talk to him about it get some kind of resolution figured out because you even operating in that space like i said that's healthy that's where resentments build don't let's not have no responsibility at this moment you're clearly aware or else you wouldn't have wrote that in yeah you're aware this is a problem that's why i thought it was important because i've seen like i've been on certain social media apps like like tick tock for instance and i've seen girls saying like you know um

that they feel like they do all the cleaning in the house.

Yeah.

Like everything,

you know?

Like you might help with the kids, shit like that.

But when it comes down to like cleaning, and that's a lot to take care of.

Like, dude, I will, I will clean my house like three fucking times a day.

You know what I mean?

And it don't matter because when you have kids, you can fucking clean that shit.

And in an hour, it's destroyed.

And they always say, don't clean until nighttime.

No, nighttime.

I'm going to go to bed.

No.

It's like such a good advice, but also just hard advice to take because you're like, I want to go to fucking sleep.

So like, cause because it makes it, they say that it makes it more stressful if you're trying to pick up throughout the day.

Yeah.

It's never ending.

No, I want to, I want to go to sleep.

You feel like you're emotionally draining yourself if you just wait for them to all go to sleep.

But no, fuck that.

I'm tired.

I want to lay in my bed, eat snacks, and watch TV.

Yeah.

You know, but I mean, I have done that before too.

But then it don't really matter because then the kids get up for school to get ready for school in the morning and there's shits everywhere.

It's like, you know, you win and you, you just get, you're constantly losing.

Yeah, you know, when it comes to cleaning, cleaning, anyways, you're constantly losing.

Like,

I feel like you'll never have a gender role thing.

Get out of here.

I sweep,

I can wipe.

I can all that, come on, man.

I don't want to hear any of that.

Like, it's my house.

Or, girl, you know what you could do?

You just leave for like a week.

True.

There you go.

That's what you do.

You know what I mean?

And then who's there?

Are you away there to get it?

Because maybe, maybe you talk about it and he doesn't retain that information.

Oh, I'm leaving.

Listen, then you just say, I booked a solo cruise for seven days, and I will see you on Monday.

Yeah.

Good luck.

And then you leave.

You can DM me if you you need to go on a cruise.

I'll help you.

Yeah, we'll help you.

Because, you know, fuck that.

Yeah.

And he'll realize really quick how much work she does.

Yes.

He will.

He'll realize.

And sometimes that's what it takes.

Go to your mom's house for a weekend.

Right.

Even for three days.

Let him do it without.

Just let him do it.

And I hope you got kids because that'll make it even harder on him.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no, no.

I know, right?

But I'm just saying.

I'm like, oh, yeah.

Let me tell you now: if you don't have any children, he's really fucked up.

Oh, like, listen, if you have no kids and he's still not coming home and doing shit.

Like, bro, that's, that's crazy.

All right, I think I have one more.

This one said, you know, what do you do when your spouse of 20 years asks for a separation?

Ooh, what do you do?

Yeah.

I feel like you definitely need to get some support for yourself.

I say, get a therapy ASAP.

Yeah.

And

for yourself and together, maybe.

If he wants it, bring it up together.

If he wants it, because I feel like this is a hard part.

20 years, too much resentment's built.

He's probably just gung-ho on this decision.

Unfortunately, like, we don't know all the details.

He said too many times to think about it though 20 years

20 years so I feel like that's awesome.

I would definitely say before finalizing our separation, please try

couples therapy with me for give it give it give a specific goal six months.

Please do half a year with me

and see what happens.

Or even two months like something.

Something, something.

I don't think allowing it to just

end unless you want that, but it clearly sounds like you don't want that.

But I also feel that, yeah, just individual therapy, couples therapy asap and if he's not willing to do individual or couple therapy still get into individual therapy because you're gonna experience trauma you're gonna experience just sadness sadness and just devastation and and grief and and grief yeah you're getting you got to greed the loss of what of a love and and someone that you thought you were going to be with for the rest of your life so

just get support getting a therapy definitely need support i think after 20 years yeah that's sad i'd be devastated especially if you didn't want it right i think 20 years is a long time Like, it can't be that bad.

I know, right?

Or it is.

Or maybe it is.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Yeah, I think definitely therapy.

Her getting support for herself and then asking him, can we at least try?

Do you want to try?

Because I honestly want to.

I honestly, I think you have to give it to the other person.

Like, hey, I don't even, I just don't love you no more.

I hate you with a passion.

I just don't have no desire to go to therapy with you and figure it out.

Right.

I don't know.

I don't care.

Still get therapy.

But at least ask him.

Yeah, at least ask him.

And then, like, you were going to say that, but then definitely still do individual therapy for yourself.

19 years.

Oh my God, bro.

No.

It would be devastating for me.

How did you learn to be in a healthy marriage, not coming from one?

And

I think for me, it was just

doing the opposite of what I saw in life.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

We've never yelled at each other.

We've always talked very calmly to each other.

Yes, we might get irritated every now and then and like hop attitudes, but we've never like screamed at each other or yelled at each other.

No defamation.

No calling each other out of our names.

No, like I've never called you like a piece of shit or you're a fucking asshole right no yeah and i had the i want to i want to like elaborate on that because i feel like it's so important because once you break that mutual respect for the other person by saying bitch piece of you're a fucking asshole whatever it is oh you just created the worst floodgate for

just unwarranted then it becomes easy yeah it becomes easy i can call you i it's hard for me to pretend to call you a bitch you know what i'm saying because it's such a just you don't do that.

Like, there's a certain, like, there's a certain respect, mutual boundary, respect circle you create with each other that I don't think you should ever call them out of their names.

Yeah.

And so I think like super important.

So I think just doing, yeah, I never, but honestly, I was shown like a marriage that I looked up to a lot.

You know, like my grandparents, for instance, like I knew my grandparents were together.

I mean, they've been together for like almost like 16 years.

Did they ever call each other bitches or assholes or anything?

No, my grandma did one time when I was little secretly flip them off behind his head.

And I remember being like, Oh, grandma, oh my gosh, she is mad.

I was like, little church going, grandma, just flip.

Yeah, grandma.

But no, they never, like, you know, and like, yeah, they would like

bicker a little, or like, you know, or whatever.

But, um, and like, that was always inspiring to me.

I was like, I want something like that.

Like, I want something that, you know, that lasts a lifetime.

And I think it also goes back to just also when we had issues, we sought the right help or did the right things that we thought to better it as far as like communicating with one another, expressing our feelings.

And, you know, we've cried to each other about things.

We've gone to therapy and worked through things.

Like we just, I just always thought it just do different than what I saw.

Really?

I never saw it because I don't have, there was no.

Anyone that I ever knew was married always was divorced, never lasted.

Yeah.

Like whatever it was.

But for, I mean, for me, I just felt like also my mom had really like five-year relationship the guys break up don't see nobody for a couple years and back then like nothing ever and none of them ever fought or anything but i just remember feeling like

like this isn't real like my mom there's a boyfriend my mom would come home she'd pick me up from school we'd go go home yeah and she'd see her boyfriend's car in the driveway and she'd be like oh shit and i'm like

i'm like and i'm like ma it's your house right like why what the he's here to see you why are you so upset that he's here He's just so annoying.

And I'm like, dude, what the fuck?

Like, don't be with him.

And you know what I mean?

So I was a kid.

Sure as shit.

She probably was breaking up with him a few months later on.

Not even a year later.

Yes.

She said, clean your drawer out.

Clean your drawer out.

I've watched my mom.

I've watched men cry.

And my mom hold the door and say, no, no, don't cry.

Like, don't cry.

Stop.

I can picture her seat.

Can't you?

I can't.

And she, I remember being in my head, like, mom, you are cold as hell.

She was just over it.

A grown man's like, I don't know, mom, you're so muddy.

She's like, oh, no, no, no, don't cry.

Stop.

Like, get out.

Oh, like, she'd be disgusted that he's crying.

Like, but, like I said, at that point, my mom was dark.

And so, like, because she probably wasn't speaking about the resentment she was building.

She wasn't saying, oh, I don't want you here today.

Right.

I was irritated, pulling the drive-In seeing you, motherfucker.

Right, I just want time alone today or whatever it is.

Right.

Because she probably wasn't speaking on the shit.

No, she wasn't.

But, like, so by the time he's crying, she's like, oh, sick.

She's like,

this poor guy's like, oh, my God.

But like, I remember seeing that as a kid and being like, well, I don't ever want that either.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, that's crazy.

But, like,

I don't know.

I feel like for me, it was just, I don't know.

I think we had a different connection though.

And I knew it.

I sensed it.

I felt it.

I felt that it had potential to be more than what it was.

And

so, I mean, I just pretty much did everything that I didn't, that I saw that I didn't want to do or repeat.

And then I just kind of, I really allowed my curiosity to drive it.

I want to know why you feel the need to communicate that way.

I want to know why I feel the way to deliver this way.

It was curiosity, and I feel like you are a very curious kitty.

Meow!

A curious kitty!

That was crazy.

No, that was wild.

You ain't ever said that word ever in my life.

Never heard you say

never heard you ever say curious kitty.

That's crazy.

Okay.

Anyway, yeah.

I know.

But, like, you know, what's crazy?

That's, that's why I can't wait to get this diagnosis.

I wanted to just do this.

I know.

Because, yeah, I have so many.

Yeah.

Don't be going off on a tangent now.

No, I won't.

I won't.

I won't.

So, yeah.

We just, you know, we stay curious, kitties.

Stay curious, kitties.

We just communicate.

And I feel like we've always just reached out for help if we felt like it was necessary.

And we've just been, but also too, like, I think it goes back to like, really, I truly, I don't know if you're, if people are woo-woo or not, call me a little woo-woo, whatever.

Hippity-dippity.

Yeah, hippity-dippity, whatever.

But, like, I do believe in like soulmates.

And I believe that when two souls find each other, that they've been looking

on this planet for each other this whole time, like, all of a sudden you just know and it just works and it clicks and it flows.

And like, I do feel like me and you have been through probably multiple lives together.

And I feel like our souls have been on many generations, like many journeys together.

And

I just think we're meant to be where we are.

And I also feel like people can say what they want about and judge us about our relationship and how bad it is or good it is, whatever.

But like there's jealousy.

There sucks.

At the end of the day, we've been through enough that should have destroyed us.

Yeah.

And if that's not proof that the soul doesn't give a shit about external things going on, they just know, hey,

you're my person.

Don't untie.

Don't untether me because we got this.

We got to be together.

You know what I mean?

So it's like, we've been through enough shit that where if we weren't meant to be together, we wouldn't be together.

True.

I agree.

But yeah, well, I think our time is up for this week.

It is.

Yes.

Hey, we just chit-chat.

Yeah, it was funny.

Had good laughs.

Again, thank you guys for listening.

Don't forget to like and subscribe.

Please rate and review us.

Give us that five-star rating.

We really appreciate it very much.

And we'll be talking to you guys next week.

Thanks for checking out Kate and Time, Bring It Now.

And stay curious, kitties.

Stay curious, kitties.

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