19 Years & Counting: Building A Relationship Through Communication and Curiosity

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Speaker 1 Well, hello, guys. We are back again for Kate and Ty Break It Down.
I just want to say a huge thank you to all of the adoptees and birth parents that we had come and share their stories.

Speaker 1 I don't think people understand how vulnerable that they have to be in order.

Speaker 1 Yeah, to share these things, these intimate things, and then on a platform too, where people can judge you or

Speaker 1 take your stories and twist it and stuff. But I just want to say a huge thank you to everybody that jumped on and is helping just spread awareness and more education about adoption.

Speaker 1 I think that that is awesome and huge. So definitely just want to say thank you to everybody.

Speaker 2 Because I don't think people get how hard it really is. I mean, these people have lived these experiences, and it's like, I mean,

Speaker 1 well, and it takes, it takes guts, yeah. You know, and it's like they come to us and we're filming it and recording it and you know, putting it out there for the world to listen to.
That's hard.

Speaker 2 Tell me that, like, their families get mad. Like, they, like, they've sent me messages that their families are like, why would you do this?

Speaker 2 So, even, so even behind the scenes, adoptees are like being criticized for just sharing their truth or what they feel that, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 yeah kind of like when you actually see that they take their own power and say something and tell their story and they literally have family members saying trying to shut them down yeah what I think is the whole the whole point that they're just the one person in this whole adoption triad that just gets completely silenced yeah and yeah and nobody even wants to listen to them when they're literally saying what is

Speaker 1 what has been good for them what has caused harm what has caused trauma what they would want to see different like hello it's coming out of the mouth mouths of the people the most affected And so for, like you said, for their family to get mad at them for talking about their own story is crazy.

Speaker 2 And if the family's getting mad at them, can you just imagine how the internet feels? Because the internet, I think, is the most ruthless,

Speaker 2 cruel, uneducated, uninformed, just completely, I mean, I have never seen anyone or any kind of community react the way that the internet does when you talk about.

Speaker 2 If you don't talk about adoption being beautiful and amazing and awesome, you're the worst person on the planet. Like, it's insane.

Speaker 1 The internet is bad for that.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It like, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I think it's because society has only heard one side for so many years. And I keep, I keep getting comments saying, are you going to show the other side of adoption?

Speaker 2 And I'm like, I have to pause for a minute. I'm like, what do you mean? It's always shown.
Yeah. I'm like, what do you mean the other side? It's always shown.
Always.

Speaker 2 From the adoptive parent perspective of a beautiful, saving this child. thing and whatever.
And so I think for so many years, that's the only narrative you've ever heard.

Speaker 2 And so when you see one opposing narrative, you're like, why are you not telling the other side? You're wrong. Dude.
It's like the other side has been, has had the stage ever since it's all started.

Speaker 2 No, it really hasn't. Sit down.
Yeah. Don't freak out yet.
You're still allowed to have your positive adoption experience. Right.

Speaker 2 But please sit down and let these other adoptees who have not been as blessed as you are. and lucky as you are to have that experience, let them talk, let them speak.

Speaker 1 Well, because I feel like it's important, you know, when it comes to like just educating people about adoption i mean with education in any matter you have to know all sides of every single angle in order to be fully educated about a certain situation or scenario or whatever so it's like yeah the good side of adoption has always been talked about unless you watch like a crazy lifetime movie and it's all bad but it's like that's not even real either so it's like you know these people are talking about their stories and you know some of them had you know positive adoption journeys and other ones are like no it caused me a lot of trauma and this is what happened.

Speaker 1 But so, I just thought it's really important that we say thank you to them because it does take a lot of guts, and they had to be super vulnerable to, you know, sit there and spill everything to us.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 so I think that's huge. Um, and I'm so thankful that they felt comfortable enough to sit down with us and tell us all these hard things.

Speaker 2 Like, I feel honored, really. Yeah, thank you for like even letting me in to this experience that you've had because I couldn't even imagine.

Speaker 1 Well, because it gives us a form of uh it gives us, I guess, yeah, like a form of education too.

Speaker 1 Because we, you know, even though we relinquished a child, we never really heard of all of like the dark sides of adoption.

Speaker 1 It always was the positives, and we were always fed always just the positives.

Speaker 1 And so when you hear certain things, you're like, wow, I never knew, or I guess I never really realized that adoptees could have so much trauma.

Speaker 2 And yeah, I think honestly, the biggest thing that we've learned is just that, and this is from genealogists, neuroscientists who study the brain, stating that adoption cannot occur without the baby experiencing trauma.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Whether that trauma manifests itself enough to, you know, be external and behaviors and stuff, but it still happened to the baby's brain.
Right.

Speaker 2 They still experienced a loss they couldn't communicate or even be emotionally aware to understand what was happening to them. But they, their brain did experience trauma.

Speaker 2 They experienced maternal separation. separation, and that's a huge thing because we're, at the end of the day, we're human beings, but we're also animals, and we,

Speaker 2 we, that they're biologically connected to the whatever utero they were in.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's the only way they know how to survive, yeah, right.

Speaker 2 You know, so I mean, I think that was really shocking to me when I first heard.

Speaker 2 I was like, whoa, like, I never, I think a lot of, I see a lot of mostly older adoptees will comment and say stuff about like,

Speaker 2 you're putting words in our mouths. Not all of us are traumatized.
And it's like, maybe not all of you guys have externally manifested behaviors from that trauma trauma that you had as a baby

Speaker 2 um but you did you experienced a form

Speaker 2 when you were a baby and you maybe don't remember it and you haven't like i said you haven't externally expressed that manifested that trauma outside of yourself and behaviors so people know what's going on but like it happened to you and that's when we say that i'm not saying i'm trying to tell you adoptee to be traumatized you know what i'm saying right now

Speaker 2 more or less this is what biologically happened to you as a baby who had maternal separation trauma.

Speaker 1 Right. I mean, scientists are basically saying, like, you know, this is a proven thing.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's not to like make you feel a certain way.

Speaker 2 It's just giving you the, it's just, but I will say, I feel like for a lot of adoptees that are like either have understood their trauma or worked on it or have, you know, come out of the fog or whatever, like you wouldn't be this triggered.

Speaker 2 by this if if if like you know if I'm healed and I and I like my my example where I was like someone's like, I had a great dad. And I'm like, yeah, well, my dad was a crackhead.

Speaker 2 It's like, you can't, like, yeah, you don't go on people's stuff accommodating that. Because I'm healed with my dad's stuff.
I'm not, that stuff doesn't trigger me. Like, right.

Speaker 2 It wouldn't trigger me because I'm like, oh, wow, I'm glad you had a great dad. He's a crackhead.
In my head,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like, so I feel like, you know, an adoptee who is healed and informed and trauma-informed, out of the fog, whatever you want to call it, they wouldn't feel so triggered to comment and be like, this is wrong.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 shut up and whatever. So So I think it's just, it's weird.
I don't understand it. Me neither.
But

Speaker 1 I think it was amazing. Yeah.
It was. It was really nice just to share everybody's stories and things like that.

Speaker 1 I feel like the number one questions that I'm seeing a lot is people want to know, like, how long are we going to, you know, how long have we been together? And then how do we make it work?

Speaker 1 So like relationships.

Speaker 2 Oh, so you're getting like relationship stuff. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So because I've I've been seeing people that are like, how do you guys make it work after this, after all this long? Like, how long have you guys been together?

Speaker 1 And so we can talk about that a little bit. And then I do have like questions from people.

Speaker 1 And I said I would keep it anonymous.

Speaker 2 Do you have any quick, like, what? Like, reaction stuff?

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 2 It's just

Speaker 1 like people wanting advice on certain things. You know? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But so me and Ty always joke and say we have two anniversaries.

Speaker 1 So one is like July 15th, and that's like when we started dating.

Speaker 2 2006, by the way.

Speaker 1 Yep, 2006. And then we have our marriage anniversary.

Speaker 1 And it's funny because I feel like we celebrate the July 15th anniversary more than we do even our wedding anniversary.

Speaker 2 We spent most of our relationship celebrating that day. Right.
So the marriage is young, really. It is.
Compared to like the rest of our relationship, but you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 But not, I mean, technically, like this year, we're going to be married 10 years. That's a long time.

Speaker 2 It does not feel like 10 years.

Speaker 1 I know. It doesn't.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 the first two years felt like forever. They always say the first year of marriage is hard, and it definitely was.

Speaker 2 The first two years were rough. Intense.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 There was just a lot of evolution going through.

Speaker 2 So much shit going on.

Speaker 1 But this year, July 15th, will it be 18 years?

Speaker 2 Damn, that's what I call pause for a second. Wait.
06.

Speaker 2 So 10 years would be 2016.

Speaker 2 Another 10 years would be 2026. So yeah, 19 years?

Speaker 1 Is it 18 or 19? I don't know.

Speaker 2 This is a question for Google. Okay, yeah.
Do the math.

Speaker 1 Isn't it funny that we've been together so long, we don't know the real number off the top of our heads.

Speaker 2 What is it? 2006, guys. And everyone out there, do the math.

Speaker 1 2006 was how long ago? Let's see.

Speaker 2 Was how.

Speaker 1 Over 13? It was 18 years and five months. So it will be 19.

Speaker 2 It's been 19 years this year, babe. Weird.
Weird. What?

Speaker 2 And listen, we're only 33. So when you think about it, we've now been together more than half our lives.
Like

Speaker 2 at this point, I'm not just saying, if we died tomorrow, we would have spent more of our life together than our life not together. Than apart.
Right.

Speaker 1 Trippy.

Speaker 2 Isn't that trippy?

Speaker 1 It is

Speaker 1 crazy. 19 years.
I thought it was like 18.

Speaker 2 It's 19. Wow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's shocking, isn't it?

Speaker 2 I know. Now that I'm talking about it.
We're trauma-bonded. We're trauma-bonded.
So, you know. For 19 years.

Speaker 1 Of course we would forget.

Speaker 2 It's just our trauma response.

Speaker 1 Seriously, you know?

Speaker 2 No, but isn't that wild?

Speaker 1 Yeah. So I guess, so we've been together for almost 19 years.
Yeah, but married for 10.

Speaker 1 And we'll never be able to forget our anniversary, how many years we've been married because it's the exact age that Nova is, which is funny. Yeah, you hear her.

Speaker 2 She was nine months old in that little wagon.

Speaker 1 Yep, she was just a little tiny, little baby, little, little baby.

Speaker 1 But, so, and I think people don't understand like how, I feel like a lot of people don't have faith in

Speaker 1 like childhood sweethearts, you know?

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I, well, it's kind of a, yeah, like, oh, it's not going to last. it's a phase, which is rare, but you know what I'm, you know what I think about though? That

Speaker 2 when you think about it, like your first love

Speaker 2 that young, and just your first,

Speaker 2 it's so intense. Your first sexual experiences, all those things are all combined.

Speaker 2 And I feel like I don't care if you find your soulmate after that love. Yeah.
That love is like just cemented into your soul. Yeah.
And I feel like,

Speaker 2 like, I, uh, it's the strongest. I mean, like, it is the strongest.

Speaker 1 And, like, I'm saying, like, that young love. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because I've had people write me and say, like,

Speaker 2 you know, I'm so glad I'm not with this person I was with. You know, I'm glad I'm with my person now.
But that first love I had was the most intense that I've ever had or ever experienced.

Speaker 2 And I feel like people can hate on all they want, but it's like, I mean, we could have just. fell out of love or we could have went our separate ways.

Speaker 2 We've been abusive to each other, whatever happened. We didn't.
And so I feel like we just happened to take that huge, crazy like experience and that love love and that wild connection just because

Speaker 2 we just let it kind of grow.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, I think we grew together. And I feel like some people, if they get together at a young age, you can kind of, you can kind of grow apart.

Speaker 1 Like you end up getting different beliefs or morals or values or whatever it is, you know, like you can just kind of end up growing apart. And I feel like we didn't.

Speaker 1 But also what I think people don't realize is like, it takes a lot of work and we had to put in a lot of work. Yeah.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like just learning, you know, like we didn't have the best people to to look at for relationship advice. So it was like, how do you communicate? How do you communicate in the right way?

Speaker 1 How do you share feelings? How do you, you know, like we did lots of therapy separately and together as a couple because

Speaker 2 I hated on for. They're like, why are you going to therapy at 17 years old? And I'm like, because I love him.
Yeah. Well, I also felt like because we knew the connection was real.

Speaker 2 So we knew that we didn't want the connection to break apart because of our naive young brains. That's that's what a waste.
Right.

Speaker 1 If there's a way to do it in a good way and figure it out, awesome. And if that even meant like separating at the end of that, then at least we said we did it all.
That was good.

Speaker 2 And you remember we said that to each other. We said, listen, we're going to start this therapy journey.
And if it ends up with us not being together, that's what it is. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But it's important to do it. It is.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And I think we both kind of went into it accepting the fact that the possibility of us not being together and it, you know, us breaking up from at the end of it was real. Yeah.
And we accepted it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I almost feel like accepting that took the pressure off of like, wait, there's no end goal here.
Let's just figure out who we are, how we communicate, why we communicate the way we do.

Speaker 2 Does it work? Yeah, does it work? Are we compatible in that way? Let's just figure it out.

Speaker 1 And I mean, and we are, you know, so it's just

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Speaker 2 We're all out of the ordinary.

Speaker 1 I don't know. And also, it's like we didn't just do therapy once.
I mean, we would do therapy and then we would go years and then something would be like, oh, we might need a little help in this area.

Speaker 1 And then, hello, that's what they're there for, you know?

Speaker 1 And it just happened that we were good together.

Speaker 2 But I think people look at the opposite way. They're like, oh, well, you do so much therapy.
So that means you weren't good together. And it's like, I think people need to get that.

Speaker 2 Listen, I don't care how much therapy you do. The amount of therapy you do doesn't dictate how healthy a relationship you have with someone.
You know what I'm saying? No.

Speaker 2 It's just a curiosity to learn more and understand. how the dynamic works.

Speaker 1 I mean, outside perspective, I think if I were to see a couple going to therapy, that seems more healthy to me than a couple that is ignoring all the issues and not trying to change and still staying in it.

Speaker 1 I'm like, that's toxic.

Speaker 2 And also admitting that, oh, if we go to therapy, we're already, we're already doomed. It's like, what? No.

Speaker 1 Because we never had that thought. It was more just like communicating, you know, how do we talk about certain hard things? Because we were young.
Hello, we were kids.

Speaker 1 You know, he would say something and I would internalize it a different way. Why? Because of my own traumas.
And, you know, things I would do would bring up stuff in you.

Speaker 1 And we all, we had to learn about that because we were kids I didn't and when the therapist said certain things about that to me I was like oh my gosh it makes so much sense yeah like of course it does and then I had to learn how to say hey when you said that it made me feel like ABC and then it would give you the floor to say oh my god no I did not mean it that way or no this is how I meant it so it was like yeah we were literal kids that grew up together we were learning together and we didn't have to do it that way we just knew that like I think a lot of I think what happens to a lot of young couples that get together is they just, they, they, they hit the bumps in the road and they just go, they're so young and underdeveloped that they're just like, this isn't right.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And it's like, maybe that's true.
But also,

Speaker 2 we never thought of it that way. We thought of it like, wait a minute.
We knew how strong and authentic our connection was.

Speaker 2 We didn't want to just let it die for something so stupid or something so minimal that we didn't, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 So I think when we started going to therapy at 17 years old, it was about all the stuff that happened. You didn't know why you lied.
I didn't know, I knew that you weren't, that wasn't who you were.

Speaker 2 And I, you know what I mean? Like, it just, so many things led us into the door. And I'm so glad that it did because, right.

Speaker 1 And I think when you grow up together, too, like you said, about the whole, like, me not understanding the whole lying thing, which came stemmed from trauma and stuff.

Speaker 1 It was like, if I didn't have a good, solid partner to see the good in me, you know, what have I ever learned about that? What, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 How long would it have taken me to learn about that?

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 1 because I do have somebody that loves me and I can be like, oh, yeah, like I can see where you're coming from. And why do I react in those ways?

Speaker 2 You were pretty moved. I remember being in a therapy session and you started crying.
You were like, I'm so mad at myself that I

Speaker 2 allowed myself to lie to keep the peace. And remember, Kathleen was like, well, that's why we're here, though, is because that realization is important.
Right. It was.

Speaker 2 Ever since that happened, we got that therapy session and you were like, dude. It was, I can't even lie about the sky being blue or white.

Speaker 2 I'm in anxiety because I think that awareness creates that connection of like, whoa, this is not authentic to who I really am. And I swear, when we were younger, I'm like, I know this is not.

Speaker 1 I was a peacekeeper.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I,

Speaker 2 I, I, I think, and like I said, if our connection and bond wasn't that strong, I would have just been like, you a lying bitch. I'm out.
You know what I'm saying? No, right. Like, red flag.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like red flag, I'm out. But I just, I knew, I didn't know.
I just got the sense and I knew that your heart and soul, this wasn't who you really were.

Speaker 1 No, and I would, that was very eye-opening for me. I mean, there's been lots of things that we've learned in therapy therapy that's been very eye-opening to me and makes sense.

Speaker 1 It's like, oh my gosh, how could I not see this?

Speaker 2 You know, or like, even me with my way of delivery, like learning about how you,

Speaker 2 how I deliver things is impactful, especially with someone who has your experience growing up. I have to, so then I was like, whoa, Tyler, you need to back the fuck up and

Speaker 2 breathe and think about

Speaker 2 it. Pump the brakes.
Just a little bit. Yeah.
You're going to speak something. And so, and I'm going to tell you right now, that's still a struggle for me.
I still have a hard time, like,

Speaker 2 how I deliver things is just as important as my intention behind what I'm saying. So, I have to always keep telling myself, what is my intention with saying this?

Speaker 2 Like, what is my true intention with saying this? And is my delivery matching that intention? Yeah. And I keep, it's like a constant thing.

Speaker 2 And I think if I never was with someone like you to make me aware of that process,

Speaker 2 I never would have, you know what I mean? Yeah. I probably would have made a lot of people unhappy.

Speaker 2 So I feel like it just happened to be like we nurtured the strong authentic connection we had instead of letting it fizzle out or over something dumb.

Speaker 2 And I remember everyone thinking we were crazy for going to therapy at that young of an age. But I wonder if it's because on a level, like our souls knew, hey, no.
I think so.

Speaker 2 Like, hey, we're supposed to be together. We're going to travel this thing together.
Something will happen. I do.

Speaker 1 I mean, I believe in soulmates full, like through and through 100%.

Speaker 1 I mean, I think I've said it on here before that it was like when I met you, I was like, I'm going to marry this kid, which is crazy to me. And I'm going to have his babies, which is nuts.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're probably like, she's a psychopad.

Speaker 2 She's crazy.

Speaker 1 She's a psychopath.

Speaker 2 Right. Clairvoyant over there.
I just had, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I just had bot. I was like, yep, he's my person.

Speaker 2 And I think that says a lot to do with, like, why would we have gotten a therapy at 17? Most 17-year-olds would have been like, you lied or whatever. I don't like the way you speak.

Speaker 1 But I also think, too, like, you know, it's not great, but it is, I think, the reason why we acted the way we did is like we were only 17 going to therapy, but I feel like throughout life, we went through so many obstacles and hardships that it kind of forces you to grow up faster than what you should be.

Speaker 1 So, we were like, I remember even being around our friends and stuff and being like, I feel way more mature than these people.

Speaker 2 I think back in a sense. I wouldn't even say mature.
I would just feel like I'm not on this level.

Speaker 2 Mature. Yeah, but I think much, but I didn't know that was what it was back then.
I'm just thinking, like, they would make jokes or they would do something.

Speaker 2 I'm just like, oh, yeah, yeah, okay, got it. Yeah, it didn't,

Speaker 2 the vibe wasn't there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right. But I do think that's why.
So I think like we were forced to grow up faster and become aware of more of like adult things at a young age. Yeah.
So it was like, I think we were just more aware.

Speaker 2 But I think that curiosity drove us to keep going, you know?

Speaker 2 I think people, obviously people have different opinions about our relationship as far as like, oh, I know there's new conspiracy theories every day. Oh, gosh.

Speaker 2 But you know, like, yeah, like, you know, know we're controlled or i'm controlling or you're you know somebody save me yeah trauma bonded i'm uh save me help me please yeah

Speaker 1 like i'm like come on like i've said that before i'm like like i'm just this weak bitch like and you think that i would raise daughters thinking that women are supposed to just bend over for men and and be controlled like that's disgusting i know and i but then again i'm like think whatever you want about me but i know that i'm raising my girls to like they will smack a dude if they have to.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I also feel like the whole conspiracy theory about like me pressuring you to do certain things or make decisions is just so like I think I think people's hatred for us is so strong that they're willing to accept any conspiracy theory that validates that echo chamber.

Speaker 2 They were talking to us who are the source of this theory and they're just not believing it. No, they just want to they say, no, that doesn't fit with my thing though.
I like it over here. Right.

Speaker 2 Because all these people over here agree with me and we keep keep talking shit about you guys. I don't, don't tell me the truth.
I don't want to hear it. I want this truth.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they just don't want to believe it.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Like if you want to choose to

Speaker 1 literally, your reaction is how I feel. Like, okay,

Speaker 2 I'm like, whatever. You're prioritizing your hate over us for the truth.
Yeah. And I think that's

Speaker 2 silly.

Speaker 2 And the fact that there's people out there who have a whole page dedicated to dissecting these conspiracy theories about us and how it's saucing.

Speaker 2 And we ain't even that cool, bro. Like, don't you have your own kids?

Speaker 1 And husband?

Speaker 2 Your poor husband.

Speaker 1 Like, you're over here, you know?

Speaker 2 He walks in the room. Oh, are you talking about Caitlin and Tyler again? Okay, close the door.
I'm going to go by myself.

Speaker 1 Poor guy probably hasn't been kissed in months, you know?

Speaker 2 He's like,

Speaker 2 well, it's crazy. It's like, dude,

Speaker 2 I get into things and subjects, but I am.

Speaker 1 Never with anybody. I've never been this obsessed about somebody else's relationship.

Speaker 2 I don't know why people do it. Or like making threads and just making these pages.

Speaker 1 It's like, you must be forcing me to like, you know, say all these things. And, you know, I have no voice.
Lord, help me. Somebody help me.

Speaker 2 Maybe that I have some secret like wink of my eye. Don't say that, bitch.

Speaker 1 But it's funny because they're like, she's a controlled woman and she can't, you know, she's just stuck and will say anything he wants.

Speaker 1 And then again, and then you have the other side where people are like, he's in a lavender marriage.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'm a narcissist.
Right. He's actually really gay.

Speaker 2 Like, where?

Speaker 1 It's so crazy.

Speaker 1 Actually, I think what it, I think what part of it might be too is like, I feel like people who are not truly happy within themselves and maybe their own relationships look at somebody who's in a good relationship and a healthy relationship and they hate it so much or they just cannot believe that anything like that exists in the world.

Speaker 1 So they have to come up with any kind of thing they can pull out of the clouds to make it not make sense for them.

Speaker 1 And no matter how many times I say it, no matter how many times I speak it till I'm blue in the face,

Speaker 1 I would be speaking for years if I tried to. Like, people that aren't going to believe me and think that I would stay in a relationship like that, go for it because

Speaker 1 I'm happy and I sleep really good at night. And I know my girls will pick amazing people because they know how our relationship is and they see it.
So I'm like, whatever.

Speaker 2 I think it's one of those things where it's like, like you said, they don't want to believe it.

Speaker 2 So instead of believing it, because they maybe don't have it or never experience it, they'd rather, like I said, come over here. This is a crazy group.
Like, yeah, that's what I thought.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's what I thought.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 1 it's funny. If only people, if some of the people knew, like, we just laugh at them, but it's hard not to, yeah.

Speaker 2 You have a whole,

Speaker 2 I'm a picture on your whole

Speaker 2 whole personality is talking about right. Thank you, yeah, a hair flip, yeah, thank you, but it's it's figures keep us famous, thank you,

Speaker 2 borderline, obsessive, and weird. And I think it's funny because the ones who are telling us that we're like obsessing about Carly and we're, you know, we're obsessing about.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I haven't spoken about it anymore.

Speaker 2 I'm like, dude, what?

Speaker 2 Are you projecting?

Speaker 2 I'm pretty sure that you are. You're obsessed.
You're obsessed, bro.

Speaker 2 What I mean. You spent a whole year making a video every day.

Speaker 1 I'm like, where are your kids? Like, I know you say people, some of these people are like, I have kids and a husband.

Speaker 2 I'm like, where? Where?

Speaker 2 Are they fed? I don't know, bro. What's going on? Have they seen you this today?

Speaker 1 I don't know what's going on.

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Speaker 1 I mean, because people ask all the time, how do you keep it going? And I think it's just communicating. You just have to speak.
You can't.

Speaker 1 You have to speak your feelings when you're feeling things. You can't, because it'll build into, yeah, it is hard.
But then if you don't, it will turn into resentments.

Speaker 1 And resentments are horrible because then that's just going to eat you alive. And one day you're going to explode on somebody.

Speaker 2 Like I said, I really believe that resentments are the killer. That is something that kills relationships because,

Speaker 2 and who's responsible for resentments, building or not?

Speaker 1 The person that's on speaking.

Speaker 2 And I think people get that very confused. They blame the behavior.
Like, you made me feel like this. You hurt me, whatever it is.

Speaker 2 It's like, and they, and I didn't speak about it for years because I'm just holding it in. Well, that's your fault.

Speaker 2 Right. My fault, though.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 Because how are they supposed to know?

Speaker 2 So I think people have this feeling of resentment, but instead of taking accountability for their part in building that resentment, they just vilify the person who they believe caused this resentment.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 So you need to take responsibility and say, that's why I'm saying, if I have a feeling, something happened where I might, oh, I'm going to tell you how I feel and it might hurt your feelings.

Speaker 2 I have a duty to do that and risk your feelings being hurt. So that way I don't build resentment, which will kill us five years from now when everything blows up out of nowhere.

Speaker 1 Well, because I feel like, like, what you're saying is then that person is looking at the person that they have resentments with, and you're you're thinking this person can read your mind the whole time.

Speaker 1 Like, they don't know that you're mad that he doesn't help around the house after he gets home from work, you know, or whatever the case is, you know, like they don't know those things where they can't read minds because, yeah, you're right.

Speaker 1 Then you're almost like putting it all on this person, right? But they're like blindsided.

Speaker 2 Like, what?

Speaker 1 I would never have been told anything.

Speaker 2 Honestly, and when you think about it, the other person may sit there and think nothing's wrong. They love me.
We're in love. We're

Speaker 2 in more love today than we were yesterday. And all that person is like, oh, on the inside.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, I always say resentments are

Speaker 2 individuals' responsibility to allow that thing to build or not. You have control over that resentment building or not.
And you've got to take accountability and responsibility,

Speaker 2 letting it happen because that will destroy it. It'll destroy the relationship.

Speaker 1 And then I guess that leads into the next thing where it's like, if you don't feel comfortable enough or safe enough to speak to the other person about whatever you're feeling, then that's a, that's a huge red flag right there.

Speaker 2 Which actually something I learned in therapy with like my delivery stuff.

Speaker 2 It's my duty to make a space safe enough for you to feel that you can tell me something, right?

Speaker 1 And same, I think that that's for every person in the relationship, you know. Same, you know, like I should make you feel safe enough by however I react, and same with you, you know.

Speaker 2 That's why I put that thing in the wedding that I just officiated or whatever. I put in there, like, it's not about it's not your responsibility

Speaker 2 to make them happy, but it is your responsibility to

Speaker 2 how you love them, right? That's your responsibility. It is like and the other person has to teach the other person how this is how I feel loved, right?

Speaker 2 And so I think it's important that like you take accountability for this shit that you bring into this dynamic.

Speaker 1 I mean, you know, yeah, because it's a two-way street, it is a two-way street, it's 100 and 100.

Speaker 2 And I just feel like that resentment. See, now, and it's funny because now what, we can't even go hours without, all right, I just got to say something.

Speaker 2 I feel like, you know, earlier you were being mean or whatever

Speaker 2 yeah like now

Speaker 2 and it takes practice so now we're to the point where we can't even

Speaker 2 we can't even go hours without speaking about something well no or if there's an issue i need to squash it now yeah right now i can't wait like can't walk around the house and pretend that we're gonna talk about it later no

Speaker 2 we need to talk about it now Like that tension is no.

Speaker 1 Well, it brings up anxiety. It's like,

Speaker 2 I ain't doing it. I gotta talk about it.
And then I feel like

Speaker 2 you're not giving yourself the permission to feel authentically. You're like, what do you want for dinner? Chicken.
Okay, I really want to.

Speaker 2 Oh, like, you made me so mad earlier, and now I got to talk about chicken. Like, you're just like, you know what I'm saying? You're not.

Speaker 1 I could never be one of those couples that, like, something really happens. They just

Speaker 1 try to go about their day, pretending that nothing ever happened. That would drive me literally nuts.

Speaker 2 I have anxiety, and I'm not doing it to myself.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it would drive me nuts.

Speaker 2 That's why I said I'm going to risk your feelings possibly may get hurt, which means repair that. I can say something for this later on.
Right.

Speaker 2 But if you know what I mean, or like you said, or you focus on the delivery, you know. And sometimes I can focus on the delivery and it's still

Speaker 1 hard. hard to hear, hard to hear.

Speaker 2 So I feel like, like I said, it's I'm I'm gonna risk hurting your feelings

Speaker 2 because I know I can apologize for that later,

Speaker 2 but I'm willing to risk that so that way there's no resentment being built. Yeah, and there's no weird animosity and no tension.

Speaker 2 Because honestly, I think a lot of people grow up with parents who did that. And so they feel kids can feel tension.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like yelling at each other or adults.

Speaker 2 And if you want to, you know, we're in a situation and these two adults are fighting with each other. I'm making friends with both of of them.
It's like,

Speaker 2 you can feel the tension, which creates anxiety. And we have kids who don't know how to manage, they don't know how to emotionally regulate yet because they're so young.

Speaker 2 So it's like our duty, also as parents, too, is like, dude, I cannot allow

Speaker 2 to have this tension just brewing between two people. And the kids are just like, what's going on?

Speaker 1 And I mean, and there's even been instances like between you and me where it's like we're having a conversation about something,

Speaker 2 even and

Speaker 1 I mean, even when our kids can hear it, and it's not even about like adult things or anything, like, say, I don't know, say he cops an attitude with me and I'm like, hey, like, you know, you, what's wrong?

Speaker 1 You really kind of gave me an attitude, you know? And are you okay? Did I do something? Because also, I remember somebody saying years ago where it's like, if you protect your kids from everything,

Speaker 1 then they're not going to even know when they're older how to have a healthy discussion with a sick, with their significant other about an issue that they're having.

Speaker 1 Like, if they just think like, oh, my mom and dad never fought, like, even that can be damaging. Right.
You know, and it's not like we have every discussion in front of the kids. Right.

Speaker 1 But it's like, I think it's important for them to see little things and us come to a conclusion because that's also teaching them to how to have good conversations with somebody that they love and care about.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like it's not about, like I said, it's not about

Speaker 2 if you have disagreements. It's how you have those disagreements.
And you're right, because I think.

Speaker 2 Putting on a happy face and like mom and dad are always eat. It's right.
It's just, it's not reality. And so how are you going to help the kid when they grow up and end up being with someone?

Speaker 2 How are you going to teach them how to manage disagreements? Right, because it's going to happen. You're right.

Speaker 2 They need to see the disagreements happen in real time and the conclusion that happens from it and all the whatever. You know, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that hug.
Oh, I love you so much.

Speaker 2 You know, whatever. Right.

Speaker 1 It's important for them to see it.

Speaker 2 You're right. Because I think people,

Speaker 2 but I think that's also like the older generation where they would, like, I'm not going to get divorced. I'm going to stay with this person I hate.

Speaker 2 And they'd hide everything until the kids get older and graduate from school and then I'll divorce them. Which that's not good.
That's not good. Especially for the kids.

Speaker 1 You think it's going to be good, but that's like more damaging, I feel like.

Speaker 2 You just spent spent 18 years of teaching them how to have an unhealthy relationship with somebody, right? Yeah, I would never that's not service, that's not servicing them at all.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? So, it's like you literally just kind of fucked yourself and your kids because

Speaker 2 they turn 18, the last youngest one turns 18, graduates. You're like, me and dad are getting divorced.

Speaker 1 Wait, how traumatized

Speaker 2 my whole life. Yeah, yeah.
And so, like, I don't know. I just think that's not the smartest thing to do.

Speaker 2 I think the trauma from as a kid, from parents getting divorced, that can be worked through and kind of just dealt with in real time.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Over the course of

Speaker 2 18 years of thinking your parents love each other and all, and this is how relationships work. And that actually affects the kids on how they're going to have relationships with other people.

Speaker 2 And so you have a duty as a parent to show them this is how you do it. So you're right about like, you know, you do have to not shelter them too much from.

Speaker 1 Because then they're not going to know what to do.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, like how confusing you.

Speaker 2 You have to teach them, you know, conflict resolution skills. Like, this is how you do it.
And so it's not about if you have conflict, it's how you have conflict.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I think it's funny, like, for people to think that I need you all the time.
Remember, it was like a few years ago where I was like, I don't need you, but I want you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, I want you in my life. You know, like, I don't need you, but I want you in my life.
I choose you. You know, yeah, I choose you and I want to be with you.
And, you know, that's just how it is.

Speaker 2 And I also think you bring up a good point about like, you shouldn't need somebody. Yeah.
You know what I mean? You should, you should be fine. You should be good on your own and recognize.

Speaker 1 I mean, it would hurt. It would suck.

Speaker 2 Of course. It's like, but to need someone.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's putting way too much of your own personal

Speaker 2 feelings and self-esteem and whatever on someone else. Right.
Screw that. That's, I'm not, yeah.
I never, like, I said, I don't ever need you. You never need me.
We choose each other.

Speaker 2 We want each other. Yeah.
That's all it said. It's what it is.

Speaker 1 And I feel like, I don't know. And I feel like you and I are just,

Speaker 1 I think we've put in a lot of the hard work. We've learned about each other.
We've grown together and, you know, worked on certain things that we needed to.

Speaker 1 And honestly, I'm like, you're, you're my best friend.

Speaker 1 Like, when I hear, like, some of my like people that I know like complain about their husbands or they're like, I can't wait for him to leave or go hunting. So I have time alone.

Speaker 2 I'm like, I don't relate.

Speaker 2 Like, maybe it's our trauma bond.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I'm like, I don't relate. Like, I would rather hang out with you than like,

Speaker 1 or like, if my girlfriends invite me to the bar, I'm like, can my husband come?

Speaker 2 You know, like, no, bitch, leave that little girl. It's girlfriend,

Speaker 1 you know, or I would rather like sit at home and watch a movie with you. And, you know, or just like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 How many people make you feel like that's wrong? I don't like that.

Speaker 2 I'm over. I'm like, you're not going to tell me you guys are too.

Speaker 2 enmeshed you guys spend too much time together and over here like wait a minute isn't this the point to find your soulmate and your companion? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And be with them.

Speaker 2 And be with them and want you to be with them.

Speaker 2 And if you had a choice, it chooses between going out with this or hanging out here. You're going to hang out here.

Speaker 2 So people are like, that's too, that's unhealthy. And I'm like, I don't think it's unhealthy because...
It'd be different if we were arguing and we were

Speaker 1 toxic.

Speaker 2 You know, but it's like, no, we actually just really enjoy cuddling and watching a movie. And I would,

Speaker 2 I'm, I'm not apologizing that I would rather spend time with my wife. Right.
It's weird.

Speaker 1 I think it's weird. Like, people that talk crap about their husbands and like bitch about them and stuff.
I'm like, you're weird. That's weird to me.
Like, why are you with them?

Speaker 1 You know, that's weird.

Speaker 2 I agree. I mean, I get like wanting your own time.
And we do that. Like, you want your girls, whatever.
It's fine. Cool.
And it's like, but I feel like if I had a choice,

Speaker 1 no.

Speaker 2 Like, 95% of the time, I'm going to choose to hang out with my wife. Yeah.
You know,

Speaker 2 but I also feel like people are like, oh, you know, like, oh, if you're best friends, that means you shouldn't be best friends because that ruins the, whatever you want to call it, the romantic, whatever.

Speaker 2 That's dumb. Bro, that is so far wrong.

Speaker 1 All right, then it could be just like friends with benefits, then?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, but for real, like, dude, for you to sit there and think that, like, that is, that equals each other is weird to me. Like, what? Like, we've been together with 19 years.

Speaker 2 We know every inch of our body, what we like.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 guys, I wish for everyone to have it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, for sure.

Speaker 2 Find it to where it, dude. Unspoken words.
Yes, move. Ain't nothing.
Ain't nothing going on. I know you want to have a long session, short session.
I know.

Speaker 2 We know how to do it. And it's like, dude, that kind of connection is so invaluable.
Like, there's no way you can put a price on it. Like, and I wish everyone to have it.

Speaker 2 And if you want to look at it and say, Ew, that's your best friends. You're not lovers.
Like, dude, bro. We're both.
Sorry. Whatever, dude.

Speaker 1 Like, hey, that's fine.

Speaker 2 And siblings. No, just kidding.

Speaker 2 Step siblings. Yeah.
Sorry, I had to throw it in there because that's from people.

Speaker 2 We're incest from marriage.

Speaker 2 I think it's really funny how people, like, there are some dumbass people that really believe.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 That it's incest. I'm like, bro.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you on drugs? I think you should do more ketamine because you're believing that us being

Speaker 2 ironically step parents or step siblings when we were 17s, our fucking crackhead parents got married. Like, bro, that does not make us literally made me die laughing.

Speaker 2 It's ancestral, it's ancestral, and it's wrong. Like, what are you talking about, bro?

Speaker 2 I think that filler be getting to your head, you know what I'm saying? It makes me up. Oh, my gosh,

Speaker 2 so funny. Oh, man.
But I mean, hey, I don't expect

Speaker 2 anything more

Speaker 2 from that side of the track. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 From that side of the track. Like, I mean, a.

Speaker 2 Oh, it makes me laugh. It's crazy.
It was so funny.

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Speaker 2 It's pretty funny. I think it's funny because like, I think people, oh, it's so airy.

Speaker 2 I don't know if people, I don't know if people think that we're sitting here like, and we see these trolls online or anyone say anything about us. And we're just like, oh my God.
Like,

Speaker 2 not all animals. It's about me.

Speaker 2 Like, bro if you only knew how many nights we sit in our bed and just laugh at ourselves so hard people i'll be honest with you i have to admit some of the haters man they say some fun they say some funny ass oh yeah like i i know i got a weird shaped head and i know like

Speaker 2 they say some stuff that actually makes me fucking laugh because I understand what you're saying.

Speaker 1 And then some of them, you just laugh because it's so ridiculous.

Speaker 2 You're like, what? Like, what? Oh, man.

Speaker 1 It's like, it's like, I'm like, I don't know where you pulled that at, but it's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 1 I know, because this fucking, that girl, man, I don't know what's going on up there.

Speaker 2 I don't feel like there's a whole lot, but

Speaker 1 makes me laugh.

Speaker 2 That's for sure. She always surprises me.
Oh, God. If you, yeah,

Speaker 1 if you can make...

Speaker 1 Make out what she's saying half the time. I don't know.
But that's.

Speaker 2 Remember how I said that?

Speaker 2 By the end of the time that she's talking, I feel like I'm dumber than I was

Speaker 2 I feel like I've been listening for a minute I'm like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and by the end of the conversation I'm like what the fuck yeah because there's one items here bro it it's like listening to Trump speak like oh lord help me speaking in circles people defend him

Speaker 2 like oh Jesus Lord oh lord that's a whole different episode for that guy that'll be like

Speaker 1 you know what I mean no whole different episode bro Yeah, man. And so, like, it's like people are, they're interested.
They're like, how, um,

Speaker 2 oh, are you doing the questions right now?

Speaker 1 Well, no, but I was just, no, I am in a little bit, but I know have I just remembering of what people ask, like, how do you keep the spark alive in the bedroom after 19 years?

Speaker 2 That kind of goes back to what I was just saying, though. Yeah.
We know each other so well that, like, that spark doesn't even need any, uh, doesn't need any maintenance. It's right there.

Speaker 2 It's just there because we spent so much time exploring

Speaker 2 how to take it. True that.
Yeah. Without no pain.
But like, yeah, like, dude, we just spent so much. Like I said, we want a short session, long.
We know it, bro. Like, it's such a beautiful thing.

Speaker 2 And I hope everyone finds it because.

Speaker 1 But I think it also comes back to communication. You have to communicate about your wants and needs.
True. You're right.
You know?

Speaker 1 Like, you have to be like, and it might feel, you might feel nervous to say it, but it's like, you just got to say it.

Speaker 2 You do. Yeah.
You're right. And I guess, yeah, because there are a lot of things that you taught me that I didn't know.

Speaker 2 Because I will say, we got together so young that we didn't have a lot of experience with other people. No, so I'm not sure.

Speaker 2 I don't, you know, I got to learn stuff. You got to learn stuff.
And that's what communication does, which I think is you're right. It's important.
Hey, that I don't like that. That doesn't feel good.

Speaker 2 That does, whatever. Like, you know, that hurts.
Don't do that again. Whatever.
Yeah. Don't do that again.
Do that again. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know.
It is.

Speaker 2 You got to communicate.

Speaker 1 You have to communicate.

Speaker 2 And I think it's one of those things that if

Speaker 2 you're having a hard time communicating that, I think you should go see a therapist. Absolutely.
Like, even if it's just a sex therapist, just go to that specific person for that specific thing.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Because I feel like I'm hearing a lot of stories, and people are saying, Oh, like, you know, when that we, our other episode, people were writing to me and saying, I do the same thing with my husband.

Speaker 2 I'm like, that's a communication issue. Like, what's going on?

Speaker 1 You're talking about the whole like masquerading when her husband's asleep.

Speaker 2 And the husband don't know about it.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, that's then you got a lot of, then you got messages of other women saying that they do the same thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's crazy.

Speaker 2 More messages that I was like,

Speaker 2 wow, this is a very common thing. And I'm not talking about even in the bed, like, they'll

Speaker 2 women are writing me saying they're excited for their man to leave so they can do their own thing. And I'm like, whoa, like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I think that comes down to kind of a misogynistic viewpoint that society has had with sex because they believe it's all about the guy as long as he's satisfied, as long as he's good, we're good.

Speaker 2 And it's like, that is so false, bro. Yeah.
That if anything, I think women think about it as much as men do, maybe even more.

Speaker 2 They just don't feel comfortable in society to talk about it because men are always prioritized over.

Speaker 1 And my whole thing is, is if you're not getting anything out of sex, this is my, this is just me, my opinion. If you're not getting any enjoyment out of sex, what the fuck is the point?

Speaker 1 I'm not going to even do it then.

Speaker 2 What a chore. Yeah.
Like, what? I would be like,

Speaker 1 nah, nah, bro.

Speaker 2 Remember, I said out earlier, I was like, listen, I will never allow or let it feel like something. And I, a lot of women told me, well, I just just get over with.
Hurry up. Like you, yeah.

Speaker 2 Fuck, dude.

Speaker 1 Because then how does that make the man well? I would say

Speaker 2 he don't know that she feels that way. She's faking it.
Oh, that was great. In her head, she's like, hurry up and leave so I can do my own thing.
That is a lack of connection.

Speaker 2 And that is, that's what sex is all about. It's about connection.

Speaker 1 Connection. And if you communicated things you like, it'd probably make him even more excited and you excited too.

Speaker 2 Exactly. And also, going back to resentments, how would you not, how would that not build resentments inside?

Speaker 2 You're not getting satisfied physically, but everything, what if everything else was great? Money was great. Finances, he's amazing.

Speaker 1 I don't think it is, though.

Speaker 2 She's spec, yeah, true.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Because I'm thinking, like, if you can't, if you don't feel comfortable even communicating about your sexual needs, I don't think you're communicating about certain issues.

Speaker 1 You're probably right. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like that would be, that's a connection right there, in my opinion.

Speaker 1 Like, maybe you don't have good communication if you can't feel comfortable.

Speaker 2 Maybe that actually is a good indicator that you should do more, deeper work. Yeah.
Because if you can't talk about this, that's what I'm thinking. No, you're right.

Speaker 2 It's a a good point because, yeah, I feel like,

Speaker 2 yeah, if you're not communicating it, but I was actually shocked by the amount of women who were like, oh, I did this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, that's crazy to me.

Speaker 2 What is going on in this world today? And I'm telling you, did you see any guys that say they do it? No, exactly. Not one.

Speaker 2 But like I said, I think it's because

Speaker 2 we're in a weird part of society where 50 years ago it was this, and then now 50 years later, it's like this.

Speaker 2 And so I think we're still getting out of the transition period of like, hey, we should not be prioritizing men.

Speaker 1 And I feel like more women are

Speaker 1 they're in that part, you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's keep it going because just the message I'm getting, I feel bad for you. I also feel bad for your guy because he's over here like,

Speaker 1 he's over here, like, I'm amazing.

Speaker 2 That was great. You love that, don't you? Yeah.
And she's like, yeah, it's great. And then she's secretly, you know what I'm saying? Like, come on, man.
Like, that sucks for both.

Speaker 2 That sucks for both, you guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I'm sorry. I've always told you that.
I'm like, if I wasn't getting pleasure out of sex, I would not do it.

Speaker 2 What's the point?

Speaker 1 No, dumb.

Speaker 2 Especially, but I think women have a different opinion than that. They're gonna go, well, it's for him.
Stop. Oh, no.
Stop. Stop doing that, bro.

Speaker 1 I'm going to sit here get

Speaker 1 pounded in the cervix for nothing.

Speaker 1 You know, like, hell no. I'm not.
It's not happening.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say, oh, that shit hurts. Move it this way.

Speaker 2 You know? Yeah. And I'll just be like, oh, this is for you.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Then you're walking to film for two days in cramps.

Speaker 2 Hell no. Like, it's one of those things where it's like, dude, you're actually disservicing yourself.
You think you're doing, oh, I'm a good wife. I'm just going to lay down for him.
Hell no.

Speaker 2 What the? No guy. I'm going to tell you right now.
That was like the 20s. I'm going to say right now.
40s, 50s. Everyone, pay attention.

Speaker 2 No fucking guy, no guy wants their woman to just lay down for them. And just,

Speaker 2 dude.

Speaker 1 I contest. What? I contest.

Speaker 2 Is that the right word?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
I bet you there are some men out there that would prefer their woman to just lay there.

Speaker 2 That's.

Speaker 1 Because there are some sick ass men out there. Sorry, there's sick ass women, but there is also some sick ass men out there.
No, okay.

Speaker 2 another good point with that, though, is that men realize, read, read, you know, come as you are. Like, there's certain books out there everyone should read.

Speaker 2 But biologically speaking, it's harder and it always will be for women to get enjoyment the same way that men do. So you have a, in my opinion, we have an imbalance here.

Speaker 2 Super easy for me to get enjoyment, not as easy for women. So I have a responsibility to kind of

Speaker 2 bring

Speaker 2 to balance that scale. So you have a responsibility as a man to make that enjoyable for her.

Speaker 2 So that way it services you, or whatever you want to call it, make the connection happen. Like, so my opinion is, like, hey, you don't do nothing until she's already had one or two.

Speaker 2 Then you can go ahead and do whatever you want to do. And that's, I don't know.

Speaker 1 And I do think, and I do think there is men out there that do, I, that do think like you. I think there is a lot of them.

Speaker 1 But you know, it's like sometimes you just have some of those people, some of those guys out there where you're like, ew, you're a tool.

Speaker 2 They're not interested. Right.

Speaker 1 Like, they're only worried about themselves.

Speaker 2 Which is weird. I love you so much that I, in fact, I would say the opposite.
I could go, I don't, like I said, I can get enjoyment easier than you can.

Speaker 2 So if anything, it's more about you because it's like, that's, this is what this is all about. I, I'm, I'm golden over here.
I'm guaranteed to have a great time. You know what I'm saying? Right.

Speaker 2 And that's what I mean about the, there's a balance with between men and women that like men, it ain't hard for us to have a good time. It is for women.

Speaker 2 So understanding that, being aware of it, and then making sure she's prioritized first, I think is probably the best bet you have.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I think women, and I think other women out there that have husbands that are intrigued and asking questions and wanting to know, that's a good dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like he wants to know, you know, like that, that is a green flag.

Speaker 2 Yep. And you have to communicate your possessive feelings.

Speaker 1 You really need to. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 I couldn't imagine. No.

Speaker 2 And I'll be honest with you. I've said it from the beginning.
I believe that a lot of...

Speaker 2 issues start in the bedroom and they leak out like a ripple effect in a pond.

Speaker 2 It's not a lot. It's like, oh, it starts here, but all of it just comes out.
It comes out and communicating outside with certain things. It's definitely emotions.
It does. I mean, it's very important.

Speaker 2 It's all you have at the end of the day.

Speaker 1 That's why, like, that's what I was saying, too. Like, if you're not communicating in the bedroom, I really don't think you're communicating about other issues outside of the bedroom, you know?

Speaker 1 Like, I don't think that that's happening at all.

Speaker 3 With multi-view from Xfinity, you can watch up to four football games at once, which can lead to some tough choices. French toast nibblers or breakfast nachos.

Speaker 3 Actually, I was thinking about heading out only because I want to beat the traffic. The best part of the sleepovers the next day.
I was going to throw the games on. Bobby Big Wheels.

Speaker 3 I mean, how can you call yourself a sports fan without Xfinity? We got the multi-view, the best college and pro games all in one place.

Speaker 2 I'm not going anywhere.

Speaker 3 This is how football was meant to be watched. Xfinity.
Imagine that. Restrictions apply.
Multi-view requires Xfinity 4K capable TV box.

Speaker 1 So I did, I asked,

Speaker 1 I asked all of our followers today the page. I was like, if you want any like anonymous, any anonymous, like relationship-esque questions

Speaker 1 to give them to me. And I'd already told them, like, I don't ever say names, nothing like that.
So, if you ever write in, I always keep it anonymous and always will.

Speaker 1 Cause I mean, you know, unless somebody was like, say my name.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so my husband knows.

Speaker 1 Right. Then I would be like, okay, girl, gotcha.

Speaker 2 Okay, Jimmy. Right.
Listen up.

Speaker 1 Hey, Jimmy Dean.

Speaker 2 You better, you know.

Speaker 1 So, like, I think this is a good one because I feel like I hear, I hear and I see this a lot on social media.

Speaker 1 This, this wife says, like, my husband is a good husband, but he's more into work than helping around the house. Now, that can get frustrating as hell.

Speaker 1 I could see where that could get more interested.

Speaker 1 Like, he's more into work. I think that what she means is, like, you know, she's more into work, but like, doesn't help around the house.

Speaker 2 But what guy is more interested in work?

Speaker 1 I think, but that's what she, you know, she's meaning, like, as in, like, he's more into work.

Speaker 2 Prioritizing probably work over.

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? But, like, now he's more interested, but yes, yeah, but you mean you can only fit so many words

Speaker 1 or something.

Speaker 1 Um, but like, he's a good husband, but more like doesn't want to help around the house after work.

Speaker 2 Like, I could see,

Speaker 1 I guess, probably, he, I don't know. Maybe does he have the mentality of like, I worked all day? That's not, I hate them because a lot of men have that.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, can we stop the mentality of that?

Speaker 2 Because I'll be honest with you, studies have been done, we have proven it with science that taking care of women, staying home, even men, stay-at-home parents.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because men do.

Speaker 2 The study equivalent, and you can look it up. Equivalents to being like 75 to 80 hours per week.
Yeah, unpaid.

Speaker 2 Unpaid, unappreciated, no money involved with it at all. The hardest job you can do.
Hardest job you can do. Yeah.
So, um,

Speaker 2 so I don't think that's a good enough excuse anymore. And I think we've all

Speaker 2 know this. And I'm not saying that he should have to come home to a dirty house and clean the whole house.
I'm saying that he comes home and does

Speaker 2 honestly. What is the worst task she hates? If it's folding laundry, just fucking fold laundry when you get if she

Speaker 1 cooks you, if she cooked you a fucking dinner and you got home from work, do the fucking dishes. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like, there's things you can, I think what it comes down to is that saying, hey, this is a task that I just get when I, because I think what she's saying is that she knows when she's doing a task and he's not sitting on the couch or swirling on his phone.

Speaker 2 She knows things are feeling.

Speaker 2 So that moment, whatever you can, if you can pinpoint what it is that just really

Speaker 2 just makes you feel that way, you say, you know what? I'm not doing niches anymore.

Speaker 2 All the other stuff in the house taken care of. I'm not doing this.
Right. You have now one task.
You come home from work. You have one task or two or three.

Speaker 2 Whatever she gives you that she just can't. Yeah.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Then do it. And it's, and I also feel like you can't use that excuse.
I made all the money. I, I go, I go to work.

Speaker 1 No, because she might work too. She didn't even say, you know what I mean? Like, what if she works too and takes care of the kids?

Speaker 2 That's happening a lot more now. You know what I mean? Even if she doesn't have a nine-to-five getting a paycheck job, she is still working, bro.

Speaker 2 And you've got to understand that when you're at work busting your ass, she's at work busting her ass. She just doesn't get a paycheck for it.

Speaker 2 She doesn't get a pat in the back by society for providing for her family.

Speaker 2 It's all really under the radar, underappreciated work, really. And to be a hardest job with no money.

Speaker 2 So please understand that you're not justifying your laziness by coming home after work and not doing anything just because you think she didn't do anything. She

Speaker 2 did. Right.
Do you have clothes in the morning for your work? Right. Do you have food in your belly? Do you, do you, you know what I'm saying? Are your kids dressed? Are you clean?

Speaker 1 Are they bathed?

Speaker 2 Are they bathed? Are you? Do you

Speaker 2 forest full of shit? You know what I mean? Like, there's certain things. And I think if men would just kind of reel it back and be like, that is a lot of work.
And that's why I love that.

Speaker 2 I wish I could find the study, but it was like 75 to 80 hours a week.

Speaker 1 I've seen what I'm saying. I've seen somewhere before.

Speaker 2 That like stay-at-home parents, that's what they experience. So you can't use an excuse no more, motherfucker.
You just gotta.

Speaker 1 And again, I think that you should communicate. Like, hey, I feel like I do all the work in the house.

Speaker 1 I feel like I'm the one who's constantly cleaning and nobody's helping because that can become very emotionally overwhelming. I couldn't imagine.

Speaker 1 Like mentally, mentally, I mean, mentally overwhelming.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Well, honestly, like I said, that little space there, whoever wrote this, that space that you're operating in is where resentments can build.
So be very careful.

Speaker 2 And please speak to him about it. Talk to him about it.

Speaker 2 get some kind of resolution figured out because you even operating in that space. Like I said,

Speaker 2 that's where resentments build. Don't let it happen.
That's not it. It's your responsibility at this moment.
You're clearly aware or else you wouldn't have wrote that in.

Speaker 2 You're aware. This is a problem.

Speaker 1 That's why I thought it was important because I've seen, like, I've been on certain social media apps, like, like TikTok, for instance. And I've seen girls saying, like, you know,

Speaker 1 that they feel like they do all the cleaning in the house. Yeah.
Like, everything,

Speaker 1 you know?

Speaker 1 Like, you might help with the kids, shit like that but when it comes down to like cleaning and that's a lot to take care of like dude i will i will clean my house like three times a day you know what i mean and it don't matter because when you have kids you can clean that shit and in an hour it's destroyed and they always say don't clean until nighttime

Speaker 2 no nighttime

Speaker 2 i want to go to bed

Speaker 2 It's like such a good advice, but also just hard advice to take because you're like, I want to go to fucking sleep.

Speaker 2 So like, because it makes it, they say that it makes it more stressful if you're trying to pick up throughout the day. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's never ending. No, I want to go to sleep.

Speaker 2 You feel like you're emotionally draining yourself. If you just wait for them to all go to sleep,

Speaker 1 but no, fuck that. I'm tired.

Speaker 1 I want to lay in my bed, eat snacks, and watch

Speaker 2 TV.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know, but I mean, I have done that before too.
But then it don't really matter because then the kids get up for school to get ready for school in the morning and there's shits everywhere.

Speaker 1 It's like, you know, you win and you, you just get, you're constantly losing.

Speaker 1 I am losing. Yeah, you know, when it comes to cleaning, anyways, you're constantly losing.
Like,

Speaker 2 I'm like, gender role thing. Get out of here.

Speaker 2 I sweep, I can, I can wipe. I can all that.
Come on, man. I don't want to hear any of that.
Like, it's my house.

Speaker 1 Or girl, you know what you could do?

Speaker 1 You just leave for like a week.

Speaker 3 True.

Speaker 2 There you go. That's what you do.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? And then who's there?

Speaker 2 Are you away there? Because maybe, maybe you talk about it and he doesn't retain that information. Oh, I'm leaving.

Speaker 2 Listen, then you just say, I booked a solo cruise for seven days, and I will see you on Monday. Yeah.
Good luck.

Speaker 1 And then you leave. DM me.
If you need to go on a cruise, I'll help you. Yeah, we'll help you.
Because, you know, fuck that.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he'll realize really quick how much work she does. Yeah.
He will. He'll realize.

Speaker 1 And sometimes that's what it takes.

Speaker 2 Go to your mom's house for a weekend. Right.
Even for three days. Right.
Let him do it without. Just let him do it.

Speaker 1 And I hope you got kids because that'll make it even harder on him.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. You're going to have to get kids.
I know, right?

Speaker 1 But I'm just saying.

Speaker 2 I'm like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you now: if you don't have any children, he's really fucked up. Oh, like, listen, you have no kids and he's still not coming home and doing shit.
Like, bro, that's, that's that's crazy.

Speaker 1 All right. I think I have one more.

Speaker 1 This one said, you know, what do you do when your spouse of 20 years asks for a separation? Ooh.

Speaker 2 What do you do? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I feel like you definitely need to get some support for yourself.

Speaker 2 I say, get a therapy ASAP. Yeah.
And for yourself and together, maybe.

Speaker 1 If he wants it, bring it up.

Speaker 2 If he wants it, because I feel like this is the hard part. 20 years too much resentment's built.
He's probably just gung-ho on this decision. Unfortunately, like, we don't know all the details.

Speaker 2 He's had too many times to think about it, though. 20 years?

Speaker 2 20 years. So I feel like.
That's awesome. I would definitely say before finalizing our separation, please try

Speaker 2 couples therapy with me for

Speaker 2 give a specific goal. Six months.
Please do half a year with me

Speaker 2 and see what happens.

Speaker 1 Or even two months. Like something.

Speaker 2 Something. Something.
I don't think allowing it to just

Speaker 2 end unless you want that, but it clearly sounds like you don't want that. But I also feel that, yeah, just individual therapy, couples therapy, ASAP.

Speaker 2 And if he's not willing to do individual or couples therapy, still get into individual therapy because you're going to experience trauma. You're going to experience just sadness and just devastation.

Speaker 1 And grief. And grief.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're getting, you got to greed the loss of what, of a love and someone that you thought you were going to be with for the rest of your life. So

Speaker 2 just get support. Get into therapy.
Definitely need support. And I just think after 20 years.
Yeah, that's sad.

Speaker 1 I'd be devastated, especially if you didn't want it.

Speaker 2 Right. I think 20 years is a long time.
Like, it can't be that bad. I know, right? Or it is, or maybe it is.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 No, yeah, I think definitely therapy. Her getting support for herself, and then asking him, Can we at least try?

Speaker 2 Do you want to try? Because I do want to. Honestly, I think you have to give it to the other person.
Like, hey, I don't even, I just don't love you no more. I hate you with a passion.

Speaker 2 I just don't have no desire to go to therapy with you and figure it out. Right.
I don't know. I don't care.
Still get supported.

Speaker 1 But at least ask him. Yeah.
Yeah. At least ask him.
And then, like, you were going to say, that, but then definitely still do individual therapy for yourself.

Speaker 2 What we did 19 years.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, bro.

Speaker 1 It would be devastating for me.

Speaker 1 How did you learn to be in a healthy marriage, not coming from one?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I think for me, it was just

Speaker 1 doing the opposite of what I saw in life. Yeah.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 We've never yelled at each other. We've always talked very calmly to each other.

Speaker 1 Yes, we might get irritated every now and then and like hop attitudes, but we've never like screamed at each other or yelled at each other.

Speaker 2 No defamation. No calling each other out of our name.

Speaker 1 No, like I've never called you like a piece of shit or you're a fucking ass. Right.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 And I had the, I want to say, I want to like elaborate on that because I feel like it's so important because once you break that mutual respect for the other person by saying, bitch, piece of shit, you're a fucking asshole.

Speaker 2 Whatever it is, oh, you just created the worst floodgate for just unwarranted.

Speaker 1 And it becomes easy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it becomes easy. I can call you.

Speaker 2 It's hard for me to pretend to call you a bitch. You know what I'm saying? Because it's such a, just, you don't do that.

Speaker 2 Like, there's a certain, like, there's a certain respect, mutual boundary, respect circle you create with each other that I don't think you should ever call them out of their names. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so I think, like, super important. So I think just doing, yeah, I never, but honestly, I was shown like a marriage that I looked up to a lot.

Speaker 1 You know, like my grandparents, for instance, like I knew my grandparents were together. I mean, they've been together for like almost like 60 years.

Speaker 2 And did they ever call each other bitches or assholes or anything?

Speaker 1 No, my grandma did one time when I was little secretly flip them off behind his head. And I remember being like, oh, grandma.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 She is mad.

Speaker 2 I was like, little church going, grandma, just flip. Yeah.
Grandma.

Speaker 1 But no, they never like, you know, and like, yeah, they would like

Speaker 1 bicker a little or like, you know, or whatever. But, um, and like, that was always inspiring to me.
I was like, I want something like that.

Speaker 1 Like, I want something that, you know, that lasts a lifetime.

Speaker 1 And I think it also goes back to just also when we had issues, we sought the the right help or did the right things that we thought to better it as far as like communicating with one another, expressing our feelings.

Speaker 1 And you know, we've cried to each other about things and we've gone to therapy and worked through things. Like, we just, I just always thought it just do different than what I saw, really.

Speaker 2 I'm, I never saw it because I don't have, there was no,

Speaker 2 anyone that I ever knew was married always was divorced, never lasted, yeah, like whatever it was.

Speaker 2 But for, I mean, for me, I just felt like also my mom had really like five-year relationships with the guys, break up, don't see nobody for a couple of years.

Speaker 2 And back then, like nothing ever, and none of them ever fought or anything, but I just remember feeling like,

Speaker 2 like, this isn't real. Like, my mom, there's a boyfriend where my mom would come home.
She'd pick me up from school, we'd go home. Yeah.
And she'd see her boyfriend's car in the driveway.

Speaker 2 And she'd be, oh, shit. And I'm like,

Speaker 2 I'm like, and I don't know what you mean. Like, mom, it's your house.
Like, why are you with this?

Speaker 2 Why are you so upset that he's here?

Speaker 2 He's just so annoying. And I'm like, like, dude, well, what the fuck? Like, don't be with him.
And you know what I mean? So I was like, kid.

Speaker 1 Sure as shit. She probably was breaking up with him a few months later.

Speaker 2 Not even a year later. Yes.

Speaker 2 She said, clean your drawer out. Clean your drawer out.
I've watched my mom.

Speaker 2 I've watched men cry. And my mom hold the door and say, no, no, don't cry.

Speaker 2 Like, don't cry. Stop.
I can picture her seat.

Speaker 2 You can't you? I can't. And she, I remember my head, like, mom, you are cold as hell.

Speaker 2 She was just over it. A grown man's like, I don't know, mom, you're so muddy.
She's like, oh, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Don't cry. Stop.
Like, get out. Ugh.
Like, she'd be disgusted that he's crying.

Speaker 2 But, like, I said, at that point, my mom was dark.

Speaker 1 And so, like, because she probably wasn't speaking about the resentment she was building.

Speaker 2 She wasn't saying, oh, I don't want you here today. Right.
I was irritated, pulling the driveway and seeing your motherfucker. Right.
I just want time alone today or whatever. It is.

Speaker 1 She probably wasn't speaking on the show.

Speaker 2 No, she wasn't. But, like, so by the time he's crying, she's like, oh, sick.
She throws it out. And this poor guy's like, oh, my God.

Speaker 2 But, like, I remember remember seeing that as a kid and being like, well, I don't ever want that either. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's crazy.
But, like,

Speaker 2 I don't know. I feel like for me, it was just, I don't know, I think we had a different connection, though.
And I knew it. I sensed it.
I felt it.

Speaker 2 I felt that it had potential to be more than what it was. And

Speaker 2 so, I mean, I just pretty much did everything that I didn't, that I saw that I didn't want to do or repeat. And then I just kind of, I really allowed my curiosity to drive it.

Speaker 2 I want to know why you feel the need to communicate that way. I want to know why I feel the way to deliver this way.
It was curiosity, and I feel like

Speaker 1 you are a very curious kitty.

Speaker 1 Meow!

Speaker 2 A curious kitty!

Speaker 2 What the fuck?

Speaker 2 That was crazy. That was perfect.
You know, that was wild. You ain't ever said that word ever in my life.
I never heard you say,

Speaker 2 never heard you ever say curious kitty.

Speaker 2 That's crazy.

Speaker 2 Anyway, yeah.

Speaker 2 I know. But, like, you know what's crazy? That's, that's why I can't wait to get this diagnosis.
I wanted to just do this

Speaker 2 figured out. Because, yeah, I have so many.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Don't be going off on a tangent now.

Speaker 2 No, I won't. I won't.
I won't.

Speaker 1 So, yeah. We just, you know, we stay curious, kitties.

Speaker 2 Stay curious, kitties.

Speaker 1 We just communicate. And I feel like we've always just reached out for help if we felt like it was necessary.

Speaker 1 And we've just been, but also too, like, I think it goes back to like, really, I truly, I don't know if you're gonna, if people are woo-woo or not, call me a little woo-woo, whatever.

Speaker 2 Hippity-dippity.

Speaker 1 Yeah, hippity-dippity, whatever. But, like, I do believe in like soulmates.
And I believe that when two souls find each other, that they've been looking

Speaker 1 on this planet for each other this whole time. Like, all of a sudden, you just know and it just works and it clicks and it flows.

Speaker 1 And, like, I do feel like me and you have been through through probably multiple lives together. And I feel like our souls have been on many general, like many journeys together.
And

Speaker 1 I just think we're meant to be where we are.

Speaker 2 And I also feel like people can say what they want about and judge us about our relationship and how bad it is or good is, whatever. But like I said, there's jealousy.

Speaker 1 There sucks.

Speaker 2 At the end of the day, we've been through enough that should have destroyed us. Yeah.
And if that's not proof that the soul doesn't give a shit about external things going on, they just know, hey,

Speaker 1 you're my person.

Speaker 2 Don't untie. Don't untether me because we got this.
We got to be together. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 So it's like, we've been through enough shit that where if we weren't meant to be together, we wouldn't be together.

Speaker 1 True. I agree.

Speaker 1 But yeah, well, I think our time is up for this week. It is.
Yes.

Speaker 2 We just chit-chat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was funny. Had good laughs.

Speaker 1 Again, thank you guys for listening. Don't forget to like and subscribe.
Please rate and review us. Give us that five-star rating.
We really appreciate it very much.

Speaker 1 And we'll be talking to you guys next week.

Speaker 2 Thanks for checking out Kate and Time Break It Now.

Speaker 1 And stay curious, kitties.

Speaker 2 Stay curious, kitties.

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