A Banana Peel Memory (Myq Kaplan, Paul Rust, James Mannion)

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Speaker 12 I'm bringing sexy back. I found it cheaper somewhere else, so I'm returning it it for store credit.
Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Speaker 12 Thank you to Steve, S-C-H-T-E-V-E, for that catchphrase submission submitted January 7th, 2023.

Speaker 12 Just getting around to it now. Were people still saying Sexy Back back in 2023? I don't know.
They're bringing Sexy Back Back. Okay, that's right.
Yeah. Well, they got a laugh out of us.

Speaker 12 So great job, Steve. Hope you're still alive and a listener.

Speaker 12 Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. We have a great show.
Coming up a little later. We have a local citizen.
We also have an attorney.

Speaker 12 Not sure if the attorney is local, but the citizen definitely is. At least local to whatever his locality is.

Speaker 12 But before we get to them, let's get to our guest of honor. And we are honored to have him.
I haven't checked

Speaker 12 exactly what timers club he's in. I'm going to do that while I'm speaking.
But he is a stand-up comedian of note.

Speaker 12 Are you an actor as well? I have acted. What have you acted in? Buy me a a little time while I look up your appearance.
I'll tell you.

Speaker 12 Well, I did take acting classes this year for the first time at the Barrow Group. It counts.
New York City. It counts.
He's an actor. You may know him from the Barrowville classes? Barrow Group.

Speaker 12 Barrowville. Why not? They're branching out.
They're doing well.

Speaker 12 They went from acting classes to buying a town. Yeah, it's like the UCB.
They're everywhere.

Speaker 12 But I'll tell you, I was in at least one movie, and that movie was Henry Phillips punching henry the silver

Speaker 12 punching the clown featuring other comedians such as sarah silverman yes doug stanhope and actor jk simmons oh thank god you said simmons because i thought it was gonna be rowling for a second jk she's that notorious turf

Speaker 12 um but you uh yes we of course friend of the show henry and uh so when you say at least one movie were you in another one that uh at most uh were you at most two at least one i was in a movie that uh do you know, storyteller comedian Dylan Brody wrote and created as well.

Speaker 12 And the name of the movie that I was in is escaping me. Oh, that's the sign of a

Speaker 12 classic. I'll give you time to.

Speaker 12 Yeah, okay, Scott. Say some other stuff.
Okay, let me vamp while.

Speaker 12 But he is a stand-up comedian. He is, of course, joining the exclusive Four Timers Club here on Comedy Bangbang.
And by the way, a Fortimers Club that spans

Speaker 12 a full 14 years. Wow.
Your first episode was in 2011. My goodness.
You did not return for another nine years. What happened?

Speaker 12 You came back in 2020, a wonderful year that we were maybe like just scrounging and searching for guests that would agree to be on the show.

Speaker 12 Then you were back in 2023. Of course, now you're back in 2025.
And I am here.

Speaker 12 To let you know that the movie that Dylan Brody created is called You Are Here. So.
Wow. We all remember it.
We all love it. Yes.
You are here. He is in at least one movie, at most two.
Yes.

Speaker 12 He is a stand-up comedian. His new special entitled Reenie is out now on YouTube.
Please welcome back to the show and into the Four Timers Club, Mike Kaplan. Thank you so much.

Speaker 12 Thank you so much for having me. You're clapping for yourself.
I love it here.

Speaker 12 Yes, by the rules of this game, I was clapping for myself.

Speaker 12 And

Speaker 12 I wanted wanted to let you know, I wonder if I've said this every time or never, but the theme song that you have is a comedy bang banger. It is.
That's right. It's so good.
A banger banger, even.

Speaker 12 I love Reggie Watts and it's so, what a, what a delight. I believe that was improvised on the 102nd episode of this show.
That's insanity. And it was his third attempt.

Speaker 12 He, he did three different improvised songs, and we said we were going to put the polls out for people to vote on which one was the best.

Speaker 12 And the minute he did that one, I was like, okay, this one's good. Even if they don't vote for it, this one's going to quote unquote win.

Speaker 12 Just an incredible classic that, of course, Reggie Watts, a very talented guy, and he comes every week to perform it live, which I really appreciate. By the way, thanks so much, Reg.

Speaker 12 We'll see you later. Slam.

Speaker 12 I do some foley work as well. That's right.
The clapping earlier.

Speaker 12 Not only am I an actor, I did also act in one episode of the TV show, Comedy Bang Bang. That's right.
Yes. What were you? Remind me again.
What were you? I believe I was some sort of like janitor.

Speaker 12 I know that I bounced away like a kangaroo. That's right.
Yes. That's what I did.
And when I look at you, I think janitor. Yeah.

Speaker 12 Always casting against type. Absolutely.
Debt Foley also did some Foley work, several seasons of news radio.

Speaker 12 Anything that he does. He's always making sounds just like a Dave.
Foley. Comma artist.
Yeah.

Speaker 12 But of course, we don't need to talk about him because Mike Kaplan is right here in front of us. And what a career.

Speaker 12 Stand-up comedy. You've graced the stages all across America, if not the world.

Speaker 12 You've been

Speaker 12 the world. Yeah, you've been in the world before on Earth, right? You're a stand-up comedian from Earth.

Speaker 12 Yeah, I am from Earth. As far as I know, I don't remember being born.
That's a good point. Yeah.
Wouldn't it be weird? Because none of us remember up until, what's your earliest memory? Like five?

Speaker 12 Two.

Speaker 12 I have like one at two, but then.

Speaker 12 What's your one at two? I was eating a banana and I bit the peel and it didn't feel good and I cried.

Speaker 12 That's my earliest memory is crying about biting.

Speaker 12 I mean, look, I think it was pretty prescient, you know. What if a career in comedy started with

Speaker 12 a banana peel memory?

Speaker 12 Fucking pussy.

Speaker 12 What, you, oh, you don't cry when you bite into a banana peel, Scott?

Speaker 12 It just feels good to you. You laugh.
But what if we, none of us remember before very early on. What if we all came from aliens and were just transported here?

Speaker 12 There's no way to prove that that's not true. That's right.
I mean, we're just asking questions here on Comedy Bang.

Speaker 12 Yes, but yeah, I definitely, I am, as far as I know, from the planet Earth, the country of the United States, but I have. The Milky Way.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 12 The Milky Way, the Milky Way galaxy, the sole system, our solar system. Of course.
Yeah, the Milky Way galaxy. You're not Venusian.
No, I am not Venusian.

Speaker 12 Man, that's a toxic place. You know, you don't want to live there because you can't.
You'll stop living.

Speaker 12 The hottest planet, from what I'm told, although I would think it would be Mercury.

Speaker 12 But I was reading a children's book the other day. Oh.

Speaker 12 For business.

Speaker 12 And

Speaker 12 I think it said Venus is the hottest planet, which I didn't think that would be possible. Pretty weird.

Speaker 12 I was confused by the whole thing, and maybe I'm even getting some of the facts wrong, but who knows? I'm going to look it up, though, while you talk. Buy me some time.
You got it.

Speaker 12 Oh, I love buying time. Because time is money.
And then you buy time. Okay, what is the hottest pepper in the world?

Speaker 12 No, planet. I thought I'd have more time.
Oh, I got more time. He's on peppers.
Venus. Oh, man.
Venus is the hottest planet in our solar system.

Speaker 12 Why wouldn't it be Mercury? Mercury because it's thick atmosphere of carbon dioxide. Traxy in a runaway greenhouse effect.

Speaker 12 Wow. You should be a scientist with that voice.
And with this information. This is, of course, with Google AI.
That is the AI overview. So we have no idea whether to trust it.
Oh, no.

Speaker 12 Because as we found out with Gabe Leibniz just a few weeks ago, the Google AI said that he was a valued person who is constantly on on this show and he had never appeared.

Speaker 12 But anyway, I have been to Australia and the UK and Canada. Those are the other places outside of this country.
Australia?

Speaker 12 UK, Canada. Yes.
What parts of the UK? I performed, I've performed in London. Okay.
And I've performed at the Edinburgh Fringe Fest twice in Scotland. So never anywhere else, no Irelands, no France.

Speaker 12 No Irelands, but other parts of England. But yeah, no other.
But that doesn't count as Ireland. No, that's not.
I hate to tell you. Yeah, other parts of England are not Ireland.
I agree with that.

Speaker 12 Do you want to look it up? I'll buy you some time. Oh, I don't know whether I want to look up something like the England-Ireland conflicts.
I think I'm going to get a lot of stuff.

Speaker 12 Here is a question that I don't know the answer to, and I've asked people from the UK and gotten different answers.

Speaker 12 So,

Speaker 12 as we probably know, the United Kingdom is made up of things, including part, like there's a part of Ireland, like is Northern Ireland. Oh, is that part of the UK? I think Northern Ireland.

Speaker 12 I'll buy it sometime. I don't know.

Speaker 12 Okay. All right.
Keep talking. Definitely England, Scotland, and Wales.
Those are absolutely parts of the UK. But we think of.
Yes, Northern Ireland. This is according to Google AI.
Do we trust it?

Speaker 12 No, I do. I do.
Ireland is a separate thing, but Northern Ireland, Ireland is part of the UK. But what is the country? Is the United Kingdom a country?

Speaker 12 And if so, what are England, Scotland, Wales, and the Northern Ireland part of the country? I mean, is the United States is a country, but it's a bunch of states that are having together.

Speaker 12 But a lot of people would say, England, that's a country. Then what's the United Kingdom?

Speaker 12 And Yakov Smirnov would say, England, what a country.

Speaker 12 Yeah,

Speaker 12 in England. Again, you know, last time you were on the show two years ago, I think we talked about your laugh.
And is it genuine? It is.

Speaker 12 And I cannot tell.

Speaker 12 Last time, for sure, I also did have like a little tickle in my throat. So I was, it sounded even faker.
It sounded performative. It sounded performative.
But it sounds even faker now.

Speaker 12 I feel like you've gone the other way where it was on the edge before and maybe the tickle was adding some humanity to it. That could be.
Well, I'll do my best to.

Speaker 12 I don't mean to get it. You know, that's the worst.
I think we talked about this two years ago. It's the worst thing to

Speaker 12 comment on someone's laugh because laughter is just a genuine expression of joy. Yes.
And for you to be in your head about it is bad, but at the same time, it sounds fake.

Speaker 12 And I want to pull back all the layers and get to the root of Mike Kaplan here.

Speaker 12 You do the hard hitting. Like now that WTF is gone.
Now that it's gone. Although, you know what? I have an announcement.
What? This show is being known as WTF from now on. Wow.

Speaker 12 Reggie Watts, you need to come back and do a new theme song. WTF, a WTF, a WTF, a WTF.
The brand is just lying fallow at this point. Do you know?

Speaker 12 I really like the way that the rhythm, the syllables really matched up. I call it sometimes syllable twins, you know, a comedy bang bang, a WTF.
It fits. I call it syllable Eskimo Brothers.

Speaker 12 Oh, no, that's not okay.

Speaker 12 No longer.

Speaker 12 But you've done stand-up comedy all throughout the world. Yes.
On some of the greatest stages. What's the biggest stage you've ever performed on?

Speaker 12 I performed at an amphitheater out here that sat like 6,000 people once. Which amphitheater was that? It was in like the

Speaker 12 Studio City area. I don't know.
I don't remember. It was many years ago.
I was opening for a big comedian who I wasn't responsible for filling those 6,000 seats. But I've opened for people.

Speaker 12 I opened for Patton Oswalt at Carnegie Hall once. That was pretty fun.
Was that a huge thrill?

Speaker 12 It was a huge thrill returning to the place that I performed for the first time when I was 10 on the violin with a bunch of other children who just got to do that because we were in some program.

Speaker 12 So you played or play the violin. Oh, I do.
I did play, and I do. I'm like the Mitch Hedgerburg.
Here, Mitch Hedberg is to drugs, as I am to the violin.

Speaker 12 I think to the guitar, I think is what you meant. Oh, no, I play, I both, I played the, I used to play the violin.
I still do. Oh, okay.
And I also play the guitar. Oh, okay.
Classic Mitch Hedberg.

Speaker 12 So do you, you play for fun these days? I do. I play for a lot of fun.
I actually, here's the thing. I have in my possession, not right now, you can't see it now, but in my home, a viola.

Speaker 12 And the viola was a gift of my girlfriend's aunt. And she's like, hey, we have this viola.
Can you like sell it or find something? Because we live in the middle of it. It sounds like a gift.

Speaker 12 It sounds like she wanted you to sell it. And suddenly you're calling it a gift and you're keeping it.

Speaker 12 I'm holding on to it for now. But yeah, I made it a gift.
And it was a gift that I get to get a commission on selling it.

Speaker 12 But for the while, because the violin and viola are similar, I have been. So many of the same letters.
Would you agree with that? Mike? Almost all of them. Absolutely.
100%.

Speaker 12 I know letters. If only there wasn't a comedian already named Letterman, I would have taken that.
That's right. But I'm like the, he does, he doesn't even do anything with letters, really.

Speaker 12 Oh, he's stupid Petricks. Basic motherfucker.

Speaker 12 He's so dumb. Anyway, thanks for having me on your show.

Speaker 12 Yeah, I did. It was very great.
I'm grateful that I got to do that. But the point is, and it's even better now because he now interviews people like Obama and Malala.
And now I say I was on Letterman.

Speaker 12 I'm like, wow, you must be like Obama and Malala, the only other two people that were on his show that I know. But the point is, I've been recording music.
I'm like the Reggie Watts of the Viola now.

Speaker 12 I'm making some Viola music. I can send you some if you want to.
You know, I would say that I would love to hear it, but I'm never going to listen to it. And I'm going to take a pass off.

Speaker 12 You're working through a lot of movies.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 12 I got a lot of media here in this room that I need to get through. I don't have time to get to my friend's viola music, unfortunately.

Speaker 12 But yes, I do play viola, violin, and mainly guitar and other stringed instruments for fun. I make music for fun.
What about piano? Those have strings.

Speaker 12 People don't realize that a lot of times because they look at a piano and they go like, wow, look at that box. You can't see it.

Speaker 12 And the strings are underneath that top. You got to lift up that top.
You got to lift that top if you want to see those strings. Pianos.
You got to lift that top.

Speaker 12 Are you have piano? Has big piano hired you? I know the piano champagne. Pianos.
Lift the top. Lift the top, guys.

Speaker 12 But yes, I can play a little piano as well. My mother has a piano.
Not a grand piano?

Speaker 12 I think hers is a

Speaker 12 little piano? No, hers is a red. It's pretty grand.

Speaker 12 It's larger. It's not just upright.
It's grander than that. What about a piano that's just sitting on the ground? Because all pianos are red.
A ground piano. Yeah, of course.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 12 Yes. Yeah, not even like Schroeder.
but remember Schroeder, yeah, of course, Schroeder. He sat very close.

Speaker 12 You're talking about like the one from the movie Big, where Tom Hanks danced on top of it, yeah, on the ground.

Speaker 12 Yes, just on the ground, yeah. But the thing is, you never saw the strings in Big.
No, and the strings were underneath FAO Schwartz.

Speaker 12 You got to lift that bottom, yeah, you got to lift up the whole uh foundation, yeah, the whole floor of the place, and you know, to take up the wood and all that kind of stuff, and the tile, yeah.

Speaker 12 Actually, F.A.O. Schwartz is short for floor uh-oh, Schwartz.

Speaker 12 They spelled uh-oh wrong. That's what I'm talking about.
Yeah, they spelled it A. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Well, this is all good stuff. You've performed everywhere.

Speaker 12 What's the biggest dream television show you ever did stand-up comedy on? Oh, I would say, I mean, Conan, the Tonight Show with Conan. You did the Tonight Show with Conan.
Was the very first one.

Speaker 12 Yeah, I was. Tanked over there at Universal City.
Absolutely. I think there was one.
That's where, I think that's where the amphitheater was as well. That's the point.
Oh, the Universal Amphitheater.

Speaker 12 Yes, that's the one. Yeah, I don't know my amphitheater.
Very famous one. Yeah, that's the one.
That's where Steve Martin

Speaker 12 performed. I don't want to say who it was, but it wasn't Steve Martin.

Speaker 12 I wasn't opening for any of them. But the point is, yeah,

Speaker 12 that was a dream. It was December 2009.
I think it turns out I was one of only 16-ish comedians to get to be on The Tonight Show with Conan.

Speaker 12 That's right, because he only did it for like 90 days or something like that. It started June to January, I think.
It was something like that. It was about six, seven months.

Speaker 12 We did a Between Two Ferns episode with him and Andy while he was doing it. And by the time it came out, I think they weren't doing it.
Wow.

Speaker 12 Yeah. They're like, watch it.
It's gone. But yeah, then I got to do the TBS show a number of times.
Conan, such a,

Speaker 12 you know, he's a kind.

Speaker 12 A gentle hero. Oh, yeah.
You had more descriptive

Speaker 12 adjectives. You know, Conan.
He's a person, of course. Yeah.
You only know people.

Speaker 12 I mean, I'm pretty sure everyone I know is a person.

Speaker 12 I think that's right. I don't know.

Speaker 12 I don't know. I'm not quite sure.
There's a lot of AI these days. That's true.
So you never did Letterman. No, I did do Letterman.
Oh, really? Yeah, I got to do Letterman three times.

Speaker 12 And that was actually a longer journey. Like, the Conan thing kind of came about very quickly.

Speaker 12 I started to start a comedy in 2002. I think I met the booker of Letterman in 2004, and he was like, Just, hey, I'm a comedian, I'm open, I want to send everybody.

Speaker 12 You know, if you send me a tape, I'll get back to you and let you know. And so I sent him a tape in 2004, and he got back to me.
And seven years later, there I was on the show. But in the meantime,

Speaker 12 the Conan Tonight Show people reached out in 2009 and were like, Do you want to do this? And I was like, Yeah, that's way easier than sending two tapes every year. And

Speaker 12 two tapes a year. Yeah, I think I sent two tapes a year, probably.
And were they actually actual tapes?

Speaker 12 In the beginning, they were VHS tapes. Wow.
VHS tapes. Of you doing stand-up.
That's right. Incredible.
Yeah. Well, what a long and storied career.

Speaker 12 And for it to end up here with you doing a special called Reenie on YouTube that came out last week. last week.
Yes. I mean, what a long, strange trip it's been.
It is.

Speaker 12 And it's still long and strange and tripping. I don't, unless I'm, you're not murdering me today.
I don't, I mean, we don't know. We don't know.

Speaker 12 You have been on the show three times before, which leads you to believe I'm not going to this time either. That's right.
You didn't murder me any of those times.

Speaker 12 75% of the time, I did not murder you.

Speaker 12 So far, so good. Yeah.
Happy to be back. This is truly, I love this show.
I love you. We love you.

Speaker 12 Thank you. I'll stop complimenting you.

Speaker 12 It seems like you don't want me to. I'm going to shut down these compliments.
You're good. The focus is on you, Mike Kaplan, because Rini is out right now.

Speaker 12 And you have to describe to me, of course, first of all, for people searching for it out there, Rini is spelled how. R-I-N-I.

Speaker 12 What is Rini? Why are you calling it this? Tell us everything.

Speaker 12 This is a great question. Rini is the name of my girlfriend.
Rini. Aww.

Speaker 12 Wow. Is she famous? Is she like Rini Kardashian or something?

Speaker 12 She is not Rini. She is Rini Voskrasensky.
Ah. Yeah, so of the Rini Voskrasenskis.
And she, yeah, we've been together since 2016.

Speaker 12 Okay, those are good stats. Pretty good stats.
And so 10-year period? Absolutely. Yeah, when's your 10-year anniversary? June of 2026.
Yeah, okay.

Speaker 12 What happened in June of 2016 that all the stars aligned and you guys came together? Absolutely. The stars aligned at the, at the time, the knitting factory in Brooklyn, New York.
Wonderful venue.

Speaker 12 Wonderful.

Speaker 12 And they actually have the stages. It's not people knitting.
It's actual like... They do comedy and music and such.
such. Yeah.

Speaker 12 Interesting piece of trivia. If you come expecting people to be knitting, you'll leave disappointed.

Speaker 12 And you will leave. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 12 You can stay there disappointed if you want, but very few do. And the show that was happening that day, do you remember there was a show called Shtick or Treat? I do not, nor should I remember that.

Speaker 12 And it still happens to this day, actually, around this broad time of year, the fall. I'll say the fall.
It's the fall now. It is a a Halloween comedy show whereupon they do it in New York.

Speaker 12 They do it in L.A. Comedians dress up as other, usually more famous comedians, recognizable comedians.
Would be weird to do less famous. Yeah, absolutely.
This one is Will McNeil,

Speaker 12 a guy who I started out with in Boston who doesn't do comedy anymore. Hey, Will, you're a nice man.
I hope you're doing great. We haven't talked in decades.
I think. But we hope you're out there.

Speaker 12 We hope you're listening. Yes.

Speaker 12 Alive and a listening.

Speaker 12 And so I was dressed as Mitch Hedberg, and I wrote jokes in the style of Mitch Hedberg, one of my first favorite comedians. And then I performed those.

Speaker 12 And then afterwards, in the bar area of that venue, I saw a beautiful lady sitting next to a lady who I knew was. Call her beautiful too.
Yeah, she's also beautiful. Okay.

Speaker 12 And but the Rini is, look, more beautiful on the... Well, I think all women are equally beautiful.
Okay. Yes,

Speaker 12 I must. I think it's the important thing to do to agree with that.
And so they're equally equally beautiful.

Speaker 12 But I was like, I know that one. Maybe.

Speaker 12 I got to interject. Other than maybe like an Elle McPherson type or

Speaker 12 a J.K. Rowling, right? Oh, sure.
Yeah. Like they're like 10s, like 20s.
Oh, I thought you wouldn't have. Anyway, it's not important, but yeah.

Speaker 12 You know, like a Kaya Gerber, of course, daughter of Cindy Crawford. Both of them are just like absolute like 20s or 30s.
Kaya Gerber, related to the Gerber baby food situation? I believe so.

Speaker 12 Okay, great. I like to think so.
Yeah. A baby could eat that person.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 12 I'd love to see it. Yeah.
I mean, who wouldn't?

Speaker 12 She's right here. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 12 Okay. He's also like a Sophia Vergara.
Oh, sure. Ooh, la.
A lot. But Greeni's one of them.
Rini is a Sophia Vergara.

Speaker 12 No, but I think that she's probably equally as beautiful as all women other than the real, just like... No, no, Rini is as beautiful as all.
Okay, I know you got to say that. No, no, no.

Speaker 12 I'm talking like supermodels,

Speaker 12 like Greenwalk, Victoria's Secret.

Speaker 12 I stand by it. I thought it even before I knew her.

Speaker 12 But I went over and my friend introduced me and we talked for hours. And I learned that I had met her twice before, but forgot.

Speaker 12 But she was on dates, probably. She came to shows.

Speaker 12 She came to shows on dates? Yeah, she had come to shows on dates in the past. But this time she was not there with a date.
And then we talked for hours. And then we loved each other for years.

Speaker 12 And still, I used to love her. And I still do.
Wow. So why name a special after her? Because she used to go to stand-up comedy on dates? No, that's that's not the reason, Scott.

Speaker 12 But a great question and a good lead-in for the real answer.

Speaker 12 She, over the course of the many years we've been together, she came with me to the Edinburgh Fringe Fest in 2018, the first time I went.

Speaker 12 She watched my show pretty much every night that I was there and offered helpful feedback and like had ideas, has her own artistic, creative sensibilities that, you know, mesh with mine.

Speaker 12 And it's nice to have somebody who knows you well from the outside

Speaker 12 and that can also offer, you know, a perspective that you don't have from the inside. And so we started, you know, in a, I guess, a way that is perhaps Jim Gaffigan, Jeannie Gaffigan-esque.

Speaker 12 You know, sometimes she has ideas that she doesn't perform because she's not a comedian, and she'll offer them to me, and I'll include them in the video. Jeannie Gaffigan does? Yeah, Jeannie Gaffigan.

Speaker 12 I'm sorry. We're at Jeannie, Genie and Rini.
They're so similar, I get them confused. But I know it's somebody's wife-ish person

Speaker 12 and a wife-ish person. And so, Reenie, yes, I love, we, we have collaborated on this particular hour more than any other because it is about our relationship.

Speaker 12 Oh, okay. So you're letting people in on the

Speaker 12 real juice goose. Yes.
Seeing how the old vegan sausage gets made. Uh-huh.
Yeah. If you know what I'm saying.
Yeah. Yeah.
The vegan sausage is my penis. And the way that.
She makes it. Yeah.

Speaker 12 I mean, yes, she, she

Speaker 12 assembles it, we should say. Assembles it.
Yes. Reni assembles.
My penis.

Speaker 12 And, you know, I'm really sorry for all those improv classes I took where I made it so I could not disagree with anything that was just said. I wish it didn't happen, but it's pretty fun.
Anyway.

Speaker 12 But now you're taking classes in, of course, the Brook. What is it actually? The Barrow Group.
The Barrow Group. In the larger Barrowville and Emperor, of course.

Speaker 12 Empire. There we are.
And so this is a stand-up special that you,

Speaker 12 where did you film it? Filmed at. Look, I got to admit, Mike, there's not a lot I can ask you about a special.
Why'd you call it this? Where'd you film it?

Speaker 12 You know what I mean? That's about all I can. So, you know, really make

Speaker 12 answer count. You know, so because the

Speaker 12 content of the special is about our relationship. And so one name that we had in mind for it before was we were going to call it before we get started because

Speaker 12 our relationship has, we are not married, but we have been together for more than nine years. And so many people will ask us, when will you get married? Right.

Speaker 12 As if that is the official beginning of a life. Exactly.
As if that's some sort of inevitability. Yeah, oh no, of course.
And we do plan to be together forever. We don't plan to die, but we

Speaker 12 no one plans on dying. No, no, no, absolutely.
They're surprised when they come to the show, though, at the end of it. Sometimes they do.
Sometimes one out of four times a murder, you know?

Speaker 12 And so we love each other. We're going to be together for as forever as possible.
And so the idea that it's before we got, like that we haven't even gotten started yet.

Speaker 12 So we were going to call it before we get started. But then another, a documentary by Ryan Rees about warm-up comedy came out this past year that is also called Before We Get Started.

Speaker 12 It's called a great name for that as well. So I was like, okay, we'll call it Reenie.

Speaker 12 Nobody's calling a special.

Speaker 12 Did you surprise her with this news? Like, did you get down on one knee and say, I'm calling the special Reenie? And she thought it was a marriage proposal.

Speaker 12 You know, well, you got to watch the special and find out how on topic that question is. Oh, man.

Speaker 12 Okay. I'm going to first I'm going to listen to your viola music.
Yes. Then I'm going to watch a special.
Yes. I'll send them both to you.
A 30-second viola track and and a one-hour special.

Speaker 12 And they better be equally as good. I think they're both great, but it was filmed at the Actors Temple Theater in New York City, which I hadn't heard of.

Speaker 12 Well, I do think that acting and art in general is a church. Absolutely.
And it can act as a salve for us in these terrible, terrible times.

Speaker 12 This one's more of a synagogue because it is literally a synagogue.

Speaker 12 I don't think that. It does.
It's a functioning synagogue and a functioning theater, which is perfect for a performance that is a show about the concept of

Speaker 12 romantic togetherness in a forever marriage in the world. Ceremonial rights, that kind of stuff.
Was there

Speaker 12 was it, were there any props there of stuff that they used during the church part of it that you incorporated into your act? You know, like the Torah there?

Speaker 12 I mean, there, here's a, I went on another podcast and somebody had watched the special in advance. Well, so sorry.
I couldn't. You never sent it to me.
That's true. I did not.

Speaker 12 You didn't ask for it because you got all these movies together. You're sitting around complaining about me not watching your special.
Send it to me next time. I will do that.

Speaker 12 In 14 years, when the next one comes out,

Speaker 12 I'll get it to you. I'll get you all the stuff.
But there is a stained glass

Speaker 12 behind the state at the back of the stage. Oh, cool.
And yeah, it looks really cool. And there's like some names in the stained glass, like of people associated, I guess, with the donors, perhaps.

Speaker 12 Something like that. There was one who was a canter.
And I went on this Mike Pesca's podcast.

Speaker 12 I think it's called Funny, You Should Ask, a subcategory of the gist.

Speaker 12 And he said to me, apropos of nothing, he said, What do you think about Cantor? and gave a last name. And I was like, I don't know who that Cantor is.

Speaker 12 And he's like, well, it says his name behind you in the special. So the answer is no.
I did not use the space.

Speaker 12 In fact, didn't even take much notice of it. I was looking forward, you know? So anyone looking.
Honestly,

Speaker 12 if you're a stand-up comedian out there and you're about to tape a special, look towards the audience in the camera.

Speaker 12 So I did, I had that impulse and I did that.

Speaker 12 We did bring, we have a friend, Renee and I, who died last year and she had this really nice

Speaker 12 like thing that we used as a stool. Like, so it's not a right, it's like a really,

Speaker 12 it's kind of like looks natural and kind of fit right in with like the hard, like the wood. What are you talking about? Oh, it's just a nice stool.

Speaker 12 The point is, you asked me. I hate to interject here because it started off with a friend of yours dying, but what are you talking?

Speaker 12 You're talking about Scott, a friend of mine died, and she had a stool, and that is the only prop that was on stage. Got it.
You asked the question about props, and

Speaker 12 I want to receive some props for eventually getting to the answer. Congratulations.
Thank you very much. This special sounds dynamite.
It's got a stained glass window in it. Yes.

Speaker 12 Kind of a stool or something. Yeah.

Speaker 12 That used to belong to someone who's no longer with us. So it sounds like a dynamite special.
Reeni is out now on YouTube. We have to take a break, Mike, if that's all right.
Can you stick around?

Speaker 12 I accept and would love to. When we come back, we have a local citizen.
We also have an attorney. This is a jam-packed show.
Yes. This is an incredible lineup.
We're going to come right back.

Speaker 12 We're going to have more Mike Kaplan. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Speaker 12 Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Mike Kaplan is here.
The special is called Reenie. That's spelled R-I-N-I.

Speaker 12 Perfect. And YouTube is spelled Y-O-U-T-U-B-E.

Speaker 12 That was close in the end.

Speaker 12 Just got it.

Speaker 12 And about 60 minutes or so? About. I think it might be.
That's my other question that I can ask about stand-up specials.

Speaker 12 It is absolutely a little bit over an hour. I think it's.
Whoa. I think it's maybe between an hour for your money.
And hour five. Yeah, it's free, and you get more of it.
Wow.

Speaker 12 So anyone can just watch this. That's right.
You don't have to fill out any forms. No,

Speaker 12 you don't have to like show your ID so like, you know, non-citizens can watch it.

Speaker 12 Absolutely. Anywhere that YouTube is.

Speaker 12 But you're not going to be tipped off to any of the authorities like if you're not a citizen and you watch this. That's right.
We are not collecting names.

Speaker 12 This isn't like a snitch kind of situation where you're snitching out people who watch this YouTube special of yours and reporting them to

Speaker 12 ICE or anything like that. I don't see how it could be, but I will say definitively, no.
This is

Speaker 12 just wanted to make that clear, just in case, you know, you're, because that's not your kind of thing. No, immigrant friendly.

Speaker 12 I want everyone to live where they want to live comfortably, happily, productively, safely, and watch the special from there.

Speaker 12 Why would anyone give a shit about where anyone lives or where anyone comes from or anything like that? It's pretty easy. It's a shit.

Speaker 12 I mean, none of us, as far as we know, even come from this planet. No one else.
We're all aliens. We said it.
Well, let's get to our next guest. He is not an alien, as far as I know.

Speaker 12 He's a local citizen.

Speaker 12 We'll find out exactly where from. Local to Earth.
Please welcome to the show for the first time, Teddy today.

Speaker 12 Hi, Scott. Hi.
How's it going? It's going really well. It's so nice to meet you.
This is Mike Kaplan. Nice to meet you, Mike.
Nice to meet you, Scott. Thank you for having me.
Teddy for having you.

Speaker 12 Wonderful to have you. Yeah, it's so great to have you.
Now, I'm reading here you're a local citizen. Is that local to Los Angeles? Yes.
Okay, so you're born and raised?

Speaker 12 Yeah, just a stone's throw away from here. Oh, okay.
So like, like what kind of stone? Like a big, heavy boulder? Because that would be like maybe next door.

Speaker 12 No, the tiniest of pebbles, Scott. The tiniest pebbles.
Well, sometimes you can't throw those very far because

Speaker 12 they're not heavy enough to throw. That's true.
And if a gust of wind picks up, that pebble might come right back into your mouth.

Speaker 12 That's a good point. Or it could go, if the wind is going with you, then it could get you even farther.
That's true. Yeah.
That's true. Somebody else's mouth.
But like a good,

Speaker 12 a good-sized, like baseball-sized stone. A baseball size stone.
I could probably throw that. How far do you think you could throw a stone, Mike? Many yards.
Yeah.

Speaker 12 Like maybe a football field length for me. I get.
And not just baseball size, but also baseball colored and baseball stitched. With the stitching, and hopefully with Willie May's signature on it.

Speaker 12 Oh, please.

Speaker 12 But I think I could throw, I honestly, because every, like, look, I used to play football. I used to play college football.
Congratulations. And you look like it.
And I was like, you know what? Why?

Speaker 12 I was a quarterback. I was QB1.
And I was like, why bother throwing it if it's not going to be deep in the end zone every single time? So that's what I would do. And you know what?

Speaker 12 Touchdown every time. Wow.

Speaker 12 Can I tell you a thing about baseball real quick? One time I did a show, I think in Milwaukee, and a guy came up to me after and asked for my autograph on a baseball. And I was like,

Speaker 12 why do you want? He's like, do you get everyone to sign? He's like, you're the second person that I've asked to sign a baseball. The first was Cedric the Entertainer.
Oh, no. Sorry, Bernie Mac.

Speaker 12 It was Bernie Mac. Sorry, Cedric the Janitor.
Yeah.

Speaker 12 I think what it was Bernie Mac if Bernie Mac was in a baseball movie. Oh, I think he was.
Yeah, I can picture it. 300.
Yes.

Speaker 12 He was only in one, I think. Yeah.
Pretty cool. Mr.
300? Yes. Oh, oh, oh, okay.
I thought you meant he was in 300 baseball movies. Wow.
I don't think he did three.

Speaker 12 I don't think he did 3,000.

Speaker 12 Maybe it was Mr. 3,000.

Speaker 12 As you may know from knowing that I've been in one to two movies, which I've already named,

Speaker 12 I have not been in any baseball movies. I've been in no baseball movies.
That sounds like what an incredible baseball to have of like some of the world's greatest comedians. Bernie Mac, you.

Speaker 12 That, and just those. And I asked why, I think it's a separate baseball as well.
And I said, why do you want me

Speaker 12 to sign a baseball? And he said, because it's easier to display.

Speaker 12 I like that. Yeah.
I like that. Have you noticed there's not a lot of dramatic actors in baseball movies? You know why? Why? There's no crying in baseball movies.

Speaker 12 Teddy.

Speaker 12 Teddy. Teddy.

Speaker 12 Teddy Today.

Speaker 12 Fuck. That's good.
Teddy Today. Yeah.
Yeah, that is is your name. Teddy Today.
Yeah. So, Teddy,

Speaker 12 you're a local citizen. What are you here to talk about? Well, my last name, Today.

Speaker 12 Okay. Given name?

Speaker 12 No, it's a nickname because I've lived a long life and every single day.

Speaker 12 Scott, I have about a dozen amusing things happen to me each day. Every single day? Yeah.

Speaker 12 I mean, I guess we all do, but unless you're a stand-up comedian like Mike Kaplan, who's able to pinpoint these experiences and say, oh, I bet I know how to turn this into comedy gold.

Speaker 12 The average Joe Q public probably doesn't know that they're really funny and unique, but you're a guy who is able to realize that. Yeah, I don't even need a take on it.
It's just

Speaker 12 as it is. Things happen as they are.
My name was Teddy Ta-Dutta.

Speaker 12 Ta-da-ta? Yeah. And then so many amusing things happen to me each day.
People are like, he should just be Teddy today.

Speaker 12 Okay, well, can we hear what happened to you?

Speaker 12 Should we talk about today? Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, already so many amusing things have happened to me today. Yeah, we're taping this at

Speaker 12 6.30 a.m. So that's crazy that so many things have happened already.
Is it an early bird show for me? The early bird gets the amusing anecdotes. Okay, well, let's hear what you're doing.

Speaker 12 Well, today I won first place at the local limbo contest. Oh, that's incredible.
How low could you go? Very low. I won first place, but the real winner? My chiropractor.

Speaker 12 And now he can finally buy that luxury sports car he's been dreaming about. Yeows, my back and my wallet.
Wow.

Speaker 12 So, Teddy, that, I mean,

Speaker 12 you said you didn't even need a take on it, but sounded kind of take-like. Yeah, it sounded like because you just winning the limbo contest.
I mean, it's interesting. It was just stating a fact.

Speaker 12 The real winner was my kind of

Speaker 12 thing. Given the dream sports car,

Speaker 12 the factual part. Yeah.
Okay, got it. Also, today, yeah, what else is that? Also, today at choir practice, the choir director, he complimented my voice in front of all the choir members.

Speaker 12 That must have felt great. Oh, it felt so good.
I got to say, though, I was a little embarrassed. Why? Well,

Speaker 12 to get compliments in front of everybody. I blushed so hard, Scott.
I'm surprised people didn't take me out of the choir room and put me in the produce section with all the other red radishes. Wow.

Speaker 12 You were really surprised to be there. Yeah, that's where I belonged with all the other red radishes.
So that's the factual part is that you were surprised. I was surprised.

Speaker 12 Well, I was embarrassed and then surprised that they didn't take me out of the choir. We put a proto-section with the other red radishes.
Right here. Is the church adjacent to a grocery store?

Speaker 12 No, many miles away. So this would have been quite a trek for everyone to do.
But they were willing to do it. Oh, well, but and I was surprised they didn't.
Right. Because they should have.

Speaker 12 Okay, cool. Also, today, Scott, a bucket fell on my head.
head oh no it was so dark whoa i genuinely asked hey who turned out the lights

Speaker 12 well no one turned out the lights scott it was dark because a bucket fell

Speaker 12 on

Speaker 12 my head okay okay wow all right oh today also i went up in a hot air balloon have you ever done one of those scott a hot air balloon right i confess i haven't i'm a little afraid of doing well it was so much fun oh okay yeah sounds great Yeah.

Speaker 12 Well, until I almost fell out of the hot air balloon. Oh, no.
How would happen? Well, I started backing up and I started falling off, but my cousin was there. Okay.

Speaker 12 And he grabbed me by my suspenders and pulled me back in. And then afterward, when we came back down and I got off the hot air balloon, you think I would be freaked out, right? Yes.
Nope.

Speaker 12 Oh, I turned to my cousin. I said, uh, can we do that again?

Speaker 12 Like it was a ride or something.

Speaker 12 Teddy,

Speaker 12 can I tell you real quick? I actually also went up in a hot air balloon, like first thing, super early today. So early, it might have been last night, and I dropped a bucket out.

Speaker 12 Oh, did the bucket drop on your head from a different balloon? Is that yes? Well, a bucket just dropped, and now I know it was a bad thing. So, this was an eventful hot air balloon.

Speaker 12 You were in the blue one. I was.
I was in the yellow.

Speaker 12 Did you go up and do it again?

Speaker 12 Yeah, I said, Can we do that again? And my cousin said,

Speaker 12 you should be freaked out. And I said, no, I thought it was a ride or something.
And he said, okay, get back up there. And we went back up there.
And I almost fell out again. I almost fell out again.

Speaker 12 You should say by my belt. Oh, why were you wearing a belt and suspenders? Because my dick is so big.
Wow.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 12 So you need a little extra cover? Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 12 Something to make sure the pants don't fall down so everyone sees how big it is. Is that what you're saying?

Speaker 12 Another crazy thing happened. Oh, no, what happened

Speaker 12 today? I tried bringing back the phrase, let's do lunch. Okay.

Speaker 12 Did that go away? It did for a while, but the good news is I did bring it back. The bad news is now my schedule's booked up with lunches for the next year.
R.I.P. My calendar.

Speaker 12 R.I.P. My calendar.

Speaker 12 Well, luckily, there's only about a month left on your calendar.

Speaker 12 Well, and then imagine all the crazy things that are going to happen on each of those days. Yeah, but there's already been one, two, three, four, five crazy things that happened to me today.

Speaker 12 That's, I mean, that's insane that all of this stuff happened. And that was sixth.
Oh. Today, Scott, I got into a hot tub.
Okay. And the water was so hot.

Speaker 12 Let's just say now I know how a baked potato feels. Yow.

Speaker 12 Because that.

Speaker 12 Hot, hot, hot. Do you only get into things that start with hot?

Speaker 12 Hot air balloons, hot tubs. There might be one more hot, now that you mentioned it, Scott, about a hot pepper.
Let's skip to that one then. What do you say?

Speaker 12 Today,

Speaker 12 I went to a restaurant. Okay.
And they were touting, we have the spiciest hot peppers. Okay.
And I said, okay, to the waiter, I said, show me what you got, big stuff. I'll eat one of those.
Big stuff.

Speaker 12 Yeah, give me. Doing sort of a May West kind of voice.
Why don't you come up and May West me sometime, I said to him. Okay.
And he said, May,

Speaker 12 can.

Speaker 12 Can I west?

Speaker 12 Is that the crazy thing? No.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 12 So he brought it out. He gave me the spiciest pepper there, and I ate it.
Wasn't spicy at all, Scott. Okay.
Paid for my dinner.

Speaker 12 I drove back home, went to bed, and then in the middle of the night, I woke up and I belched a ball of fire.

Speaker 12 Ow, that's what I call heartburn.

Speaker 12 This is today. So you've gone to bed already?

Speaker 12 The early bird catches the amusing anecdotes more if you go to sleep during different pockets of the day. So this is probably from midnight on.

Speaker 12 Yes. Yeah, okay.
Yes. I'm mainly awake from midnight to 4 a.m.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 12 So all this happens between midnight and 4 a.m. Have you ever been out during those hours, Scott? A lot of crazy things can happen.
So you're doing nighttime balloon rides.

Speaker 12 Yes. And so's Mike, I guess.

Speaker 12 How are you going to get so close to that moon that's a good point yes oh but maybe another crazy thing happened though today sky maybe yeah i'll let you be the judge of it i showed my collection of valuable coins to my friend

Speaker 12 is that

Speaker 12 there's more and that's the crazy thing i started showing the coins to my friend and my friend said These aren't valuable at all. These are just regular coins.
And I said, no, no, no.

Speaker 12 And I picked up a penny and I said, this penny right here,

Speaker 12 this was the last penny my dad gave to me when we went to the ball game.

Speaker 12 Then I picked up a nickel and I said, this nickel,

Speaker 12 my grandma used this in the last magic trick she ever showed me.

Speaker 12 That's why these are so valuable. And my friend said, oh,

Speaker 12 they're not valuable in a monetary way. They're valuable in a sentimental way.
And I said, yes. And then my friend, he cried.

Speaker 12 Can you imagine that happened to me today?

Speaker 12 For Teddy today?

Speaker 12 Why is your dad giving you pennies before you go to a ball game?

Speaker 12 I mean, already your grandmother is using nickels. Well, you know, that old expression, a penny a day keeps the Mattingly away.
I guess I don't.

Speaker 12 My dad was worried that Don Mattingly was going to assault me.

Speaker 12 Kidnap you and assault you? Kidnap and assault me. So he gave me a penny.
To fend him off? To fend him off. Yeah.
To Fenway him off. That would work if the Yankees played at Fenway.
Wow.

Speaker 12 I think they have. All right.

Speaker 12 Score one for Teddy Today. Wow.
Well, I mean, that's a lot. Surely nothing else could have happened to you today.
Two more things if you want to hear them

Speaker 12 from Teddy Today. Okay.
What do you got? Well, today I got on my motorcycle, Scott. And I hit the highway and I was driving.
I got to say, I felt pretty cool.

Speaker 12 Yeah, with my black leather jacket and my dark shades. And I'm just cruising down the highway, you know, avoiding obstacles like potholes or even explosive devices.

Speaker 12 I mean, once I almost wiped out on my motorcycle because a little miniature bomb blew up right by me.

Speaker 12 It almost killed me, Scott. A miniature bomb.
Yeah, but even if it did kill me, it'd be okay. I'd still have two more lives left.
Wait a second. Oh, did I not mention this wasn't real life?

Speaker 12 I was playing a video video game at the arcade, you dumbass.

Speaker 12 Oh, wow.

Speaker 12 Okay,

Speaker 12 what game?

Speaker 12 Miniature Bobs. Miniature Bobs.
Oh, that's a good game. From what I've heard.
Wow. So that, I mean, that's based on Ishtar.

Speaker 12 What, Scott? You know, it was death. Box office poisoned.
Sure, yeah. Okay, so now, Teddy, today, you said one other thing happened to you today?

Speaker 12 Yes, one last thing that was amusing that happened to Teddy Today. So now we've we've downgraded it to just amusing.

Speaker 12 These were interesting. These were amazing.
These were humorous. Now they're just low-level amusing.
Okay, got it.

Speaker 12 Today I wore my favorite outfit. It's called the Reverse Steve Jobs.
It's a denim shirt tucked into my black turtleneck pants.

Speaker 12 Wow. That was today.
That was today. Yep.

Speaker 12 But presumably that's happened to you other days because it's your favorite outfit. Yes, it was Teddy yesterday, Teddy the day before that, Teddy two weeks ago.

Speaker 12 I mean, honestly, you're wearing it right now.

Speaker 12 Turtleneck pants. Turtleneck pants.
It was hard to imagine what they were, but now that I'm looking at them. Yeah, that's exactly what they are.

Speaker 12 Well, Teddy, today, I mean, a lot of interesting stuff happens to you. Interesting, amusing, funny.

Speaker 12 Have you ever considered, you know, putting all of these observations in a book or anything like that? I can't. Do stand-up? No, I can't.
Why? I'm too shy. You're shy? Yeah.
You're on this podcast.

Speaker 12 You seem very outgoing. Well, you remember what happened with the choir director.
Oh, you turned very red. Red.
Your face is very red right now. I know.

Speaker 12 I should be putting a produce section with all the other red radishes.

Speaker 12 Well, I mean, what if you did it under a pseudonym or something, so no one knew it was you? Oh, yeah, like

Speaker 12 Jonco Cribbles.

Speaker 12 Sure. Or anything.

Speaker 12 Teddy Tomorrow? Teddy Tomorrow. No, it's good.
No, no, no, no. Jonko Tribbad.
Yeah, Cribbles is pretty good. I don't know why we're trying to kill the lead.

Speaker 12 I advertise myself as the comedian Larry David. Then there's a line around the block for people to see the co-creator of Seinfeld.

Speaker 12 Sure. That would be a good sales method.
Yeah. Yeah.
Why not? Until they get in the theater and then they sit down. Oh, this is a theater thing now, suddenly?

Speaker 12 I was just saying a book, but...

Speaker 12 Ah.

Speaker 12 Yeah, okay. You're more of a live performer, you think? Yeah, if I can get over this shyness.
Sure, yeah. Maybe it's a live book event at a theater? That's good.
Yeah. Yeah, let me think.

Speaker 12 No, they wouldn't even allow a book in a theater. It's competition.

Speaker 12 Different art forms never like the other ones. It's like, you think they'd let you perform a la bohem? Bohem in a library?

Speaker 12 No, you got to be quiet. Competition.
They wouldn't even let you take a phone into a movie theater because, you know, you might be tempted to watch that instead of the screen. Yeah.

Speaker 12 The Fox character from Zootopia 2 at the last movie I went to, he let the audience. No texting, no talking.
Yeah, I thought that. Did you see that, Scott? I actually did.

Speaker 12 When you went with your daughter to K-pop defaults,

Speaker 12 yeah, that's what her eyes are too.

Speaker 12 Which theater? Americana, perhaps? Yes, it was, Scott. Oh, yeah, on Saturday.

Speaker 12 This is a real coincidence that you guys who didn't meet each other until today. This is just another one of the amusing things.
Were you there on Saturday or Sunday? Sunday.

Speaker 12 We were there on Saturday.

Speaker 12 Okay, shaking hands. Well, this, I mean,

Speaker 12 this is fantastic stuff, Teddy, today.

Speaker 12 It's too bad you're so shy because I think you could, you know, I would love to hear about some of these things that happened to you sporadically here on the podcast.

Speaker 12 I'd love for you to come back on it, but you're too shy, I'm sure. I can't ever come back.

Speaker 12 Because of the shyness or? Because of the shyness. Right.
Well, maybe I'd come back if I'd have a few more amusing things happen.

Speaker 12 I bet you will. I bet.
I bet something's going to happen to you. Tell you what, we need to take a break.
Maybe some amusing things will happen to you during the break and we can talk about it.

Speaker 12 Hope not.

Speaker 12 He says as he turns his paper over,

Speaker 12 frantically searching. Listen on here.

Speaker 12 All right. Well, we're going to take a break.
When we come back, we're going to have more from Teddy today, more from Mike Kaplan. We'll be right back after this.

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Speaker 12 Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Mike Kaplan is here.
Reeni is the special. It's on YouTube now.
Anything else you want to say about the special?

Speaker 12 Just, I appreciate your having me, and I hope people enjoy watching it. Yeah,

Speaker 12 that's the effect you want your comedy to have on the world. I want people to enjoy it.
Yes, I want people. I mean, first I want them to watch it, but then bonus, I want them to enjoy it.

Speaker 12 What you hope doesn't happen is they watch the special and then they send you a video of them holding their fingers up to their noses and going, P you, that stunk. Yes.

Speaker 12 You know, whenever I do a live show, if somebody leaves the room while I'm performing, I always assume that they're going to the bathroom. Sure.

Speaker 12 Even if they're saying, I'm leaving because I don't like it. I'm like, well, they have to poop a lot.
And so somebody, I have a very

Speaker 12 making up an excuse to really be in that bathroom for a long time. They're very embarrassed.

Speaker 12 But if somebody watched the special or didn't, and sent me a video of them saying, PU, that stunk, I would assume it was about their poop.

Speaker 12 They went to the bathroom while they were watching your special. Exactly.
We also have Teddy Today here, local citizen.

Speaker 12 Hi. Hi.
Anything happened to you during the break?

Speaker 12 Funnily enough, Scott, it did. Really?

Speaker 12 What went down here? Well, I just started thinking, you know, that

Speaker 12 movie Wizard of Oz, I mean, maybe my sense of humor is kind of twisted, but I couldn't help but wonder, what if the Wizard of Oz characters were cast with the Beatles?

Speaker 12 Oh.

Speaker 12 Okay. That's a weird thing to happen.
happen to you, Dorothy would be Paul. So, this happened to you today where you were wondering, yes, okay.
All right, and how would Dorothy sound if she was Paul?

Speaker 12 Um, I want to hold your red ruby slipper. Yeah, um, John would be the scarecrow, okay,

Speaker 12 George is Tinban, and Ringo is the cowardly lion. But now, Scott, this is where I get really nutty.
What if the Wizard of Oz was recast with the Teletubbies?

Speaker 12 Okay, wow.

Speaker 12 Well, we know Poe is Dorothy.

Speaker 12 Lala is the scarecrow.

Speaker 12 Dipsy is the cowardly lion. And who else was born to play the tin man but Tiki Wiggy?

Speaker 12 What? You put me on the spot, Scott. I thought you were going to maybe go into what they would sound like.

Speaker 12 No.

Speaker 12 You just wondered if they had been recast, who would play what part?

Speaker 12 That's not even anything that happened to you. It's just some.
Okay, another funny thing happened to me today. Okay, you do have something.

Speaker 12 Today, I accidentally spilled some water on the kitchen floor. Oh, boy.
And then I got this new mop. Okay.
And so I broke out the mop and I mopped it up. And it was really good.

Speaker 12 It cleaned up really well. I was impressed.
And I looked at this mop and I was like, okay, mop. Look at you, big guy.

Speaker 12 Wow. Teddy, I have a question.
These, I didn't think that they could get worse,

Speaker 12 but that is the ultimate nadir of

Speaker 12 anything you've ever done the on the show ever

Speaker 12 i oh i'm sorry you're a first-time guest yeah yeah so what you said is true 20 minutes ago

Speaker 12 teddy if i may ask how how old are you and how long ago did you realize that interesting things happened to you a dozen times a day

Speaker 12 well uh surprise surprise i'm 92

Speaker 12 years young yeah and i think it was really after retirement retirement.

Speaker 12 When did you retire? And what did you used to do for a living? I retired at the age of 64. And before that, I worked,

Speaker 12 did wrote comedy material

Speaker 12 for

Speaker 12 Jonathan Winters.

Speaker 12 So after you retired, you realized these things were happening to you and not to Jonathan Winters? Yes. I was giving them to Jonathan Winters.
I was like, this happened to me.

Speaker 12 And he's like, Shannon's geek,

Speaker 12 pretty good Jonathan Winters, I gotta say yeah yeah wow all right well um let's get to our next guest uh he's an attorney um in in need of services of an attorney

Speaker 12 i sometimes am sometimes am as well let's talk to him please welcome to the show hube wheeler esquire hey hey thank you for having me good to be here you're clapping for yourself now i am i'm clapping for myself

Speaker 13 I'm excited to be here, and so I thought I'd get the round of applause going.

Speaker 12 Okay, yeah, no one took you up on it, but happy to watch you do it.

Speaker 13 Well, thank you very much.

Speaker 12 Yeah, great to have you here. Hugh Hube.
I'm sorry, Hube. What's your name?

Speaker 13 Yes, Hube Wheeler, Esquire. I am an attorney,

Speaker 13 and I'm here to hopefully get some important messages out to your listeners.

Speaker 12 Okay, great.

Speaker 12 You know what? At Comedy Bang Bang, we care. That's our tagline for this year.
So I want to make sure that this is sort of a public service for people. What important messages are you here to impart?

Speaker 13 Well, I am here to tell your listeners what to do in the event of a traffic stop.

Speaker 12 Oh, okay. This is good because a lot of people are stopped and they end up giving too much information to the police or they end up incriminating themselves.
So

Speaker 12 what do you suggest people do in an event? Exactly.

Speaker 13 That is the main problem. People give up too much information and it gets them in trouble.
So let's just start with the 10 most important words in the English language that you need to know. Okay.

Speaker 13 My apologies, officer. I don't answer questions without a lawyer.
Can everyone say that?

Speaker 12 My apologies, officer.

Speaker 12 I don't answer questions

Speaker 12 without a lawyer. I don't that's 11 words.

Speaker 13 That's 11 words. That 11th word is okay to add.

Speaker 12 It does not change the meaning of the sentence. Okay, but but if you can stick to ten, that would be preferable.

Speaker 13 Because a lot of people, when they're in a situation where they're being stopped by the police, they get in their heads.

Speaker 12 They think, oh, maybe if I answer this nice man's questions, they'll let me off without a ticket.

Speaker 13 Exactly. Their mind starts racing.
So it's good to have a script that you stick to. Okay.
So try not to deviate from the script too.

Speaker 12 So try not to do, try. Sorry, Teddy.
Try not to add that a little bit. Yeah, that word was a fool.
That was an interesting thing to happen to you today.

Speaker 12 You added that word apparently.

Speaker 12 Your face is getting a little red.

Speaker 12 Like a certain vegetable.

Speaker 12 I kind of feel like we need to take him to the grocery store.

Speaker 12 Okay, we won't, Teddy.

Speaker 12 Jeez. Wow.
All right. Well,

Speaker 12 this is a good tip. So you don't answer any questions from anyone unless your lawyer is present.

Speaker 13 No, a lot of times you will be in the car and the police officers, they've pulled you over. They've come over.
They want to speak to you and they'll ask you a question like, where are you coming from?

Speaker 12 Sure. None of their business.

Speaker 13 None of their business.

Speaker 12 I'm sorry, officer. I don't

Speaker 12 answer

Speaker 12 questions. Questions, thank you, Teddy.
Without a lawyer, a lawyer. Without the presence of my lawyer.
Oh, no. I added it.

Speaker 13 Well, without the presence of my lawyer, that does mean the same thing.

Speaker 12 I know, but I should advise you. I start at

Speaker 13 too many words. Yeah.
Then you're going to start revealing something about yourself.

Speaker 12 Yeah, because like I might accidentally blurt out, I'm also guilty. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Right.
And if my lawyer was present here, I would say that

Speaker 12 against being unguilty.

Speaker 12 Exactly. Just stick to the script.

Speaker 13 Got it. Don't add too much else.

Speaker 12 I'm guilty.

Speaker 13 where are you coming from a lot of people hear that and their mind starts going well i just had dinner at chili's i had the uh southwestern egg rolls it was a really good meal i've been waiting to tell somebody about it this nice police officer seems like a good opportunity to look at a good opportunity it seems like he's maybe interested maybe he saw me come out of there and maybe he's looking for a nice place to eat how exactly

Speaker 12 maybe he wants someone to eat with He's lonely. Exactly.
I'm lonely.

Speaker 13 You had such a good meal there that you might be open to the possibility of going back there with him

Speaker 13 and telling him what you tried, helping him out with the menu, all that stuff.

Speaker 12 Don't do this.

Speaker 13 Don't do this. He's not interested in what you were doing earlier.
This is a trap.

Speaker 12 It's a trap. Okay, good to know.

Speaker 13 If you tell him you were at Chili's, then he knows, well, it's Margarita Tuesdays. There's $1 margaritas that they were were serving there.

Speaker 12 Which is too good of a deal to pass up.

Speaker 13 Too good of a deal to pass up. Then he has probable cause to give you a sobriety test.
You could get in trouble that way.

Speaker 12 The odds of him actually returning to Chili's with you on a friendship basis is maybe 25% at best.

Speaker 13 25%. It has happened, but it's not worth the risk.

Speaker 12 Right. Got it.

Speaker 13 Another question you might hear. Do you know why I pulled you over?

Speaker 12 That's, I mean, I know this one is just like, you're going to start throwing things out there and telling him why you're guilty.

Speaker 12 Body drunk. Right.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 13 It's, it's, you're really in a double bind in this situation because you might, if you say, I do know why you pull your over, I was driving too fast or whatever, you've incriminated yourself.

Speaker 12 But if you say no, then it seems like you're not aware of your surroundings.

Speaker 13 Exactly. And he'll get you for reckless driving or something like that.
So what do we say to him?

Speaker 12 We say,

Speaker 12 sorry.

Speaker 13 My apologies.

Speaker 12 My apologies.

Speaker 13 You can change.

Speaker 12 I'm sorry, and my apologies are the same amount of words. Is that okay?

Speaker 13 It is the same amount of words. If you feel comfortable replacing synonyms with one another, if that's the same thing.

Speaker 12 As long as it's the same amount of words, then it's okay. You don't want to add it.
Yeah, adding words.

Speaker 12 If it's the same amount of words and you're replacing one word with another word that you're going to be saying, ideally, you're counting the words as you're saying them.

Speaker 12 And if you add too many words, you might get to the tenth and then stop before the end of a sentence. Right.
So

Speaker 13 you might go, I'm so sorry, officer.

Speaker 12 right don't want to do that i don't answer questions without a

Speaker 13 and then who knows uh oh yeah and then he he might finish that sentence for you without a sandwich

Speaker 13 sandwich hand you a sandwich now you're eating a sandwich or

Speaker 12 you're answering questions to him and you already ate dinner so you're it's extra bloated right and all those margaritas as well you're bloated you're drunk

Speaker 12 you're ideally yeah ideally you're bloated and drunk when you're driving well certainly after eating a second sandwich, the police officer. And chilies, yeah, of course.

Speaker 13 So don't answer the question. It's none of his business.
None of his business.

Speaker 12 None of your business. My apologies, officer.
Yeah. Have you? If I want to take a guy home with me tonight, it's none of your business.
Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 13 Well, even that is, don't say that either.

Speaker 12 Okay. Really? So that, was that TLC? Who said that? No, that's salt and pepper.
Salt and pepper. Okay, yeah.

Speaker 12 The thinky man's TLC.

Speaker 12 Would you say the salt and pepper rule does not apply?

Speaker 13 What would the Salt and Pepper rule be?

Speaker 12 No matter what the policeman asks you, answer: if I want to take a guy home with me tonight, it's none of your business.

Speaker 12 If she wants to be a freak and sell it on the weekend, it's none of your business.

Speaker 13 I would say that the Salt and Pepper rule does apply because technically it's none of his business.

Speaker 13 But if that's the only rule you're following, you're restricting yourself to a very specific scenario, which is if I want to take a guy home tonight.

Speaker 12 But what if you happen to have a guy with you there?

Speaker 12 And you're taking him home with you tonight.

Speaker 13 If you have a guy with you in the car and you're taking him home with you tonight, is that guy a lawyer?

Speaker 12 That's a good question. So if it is a lawyer, then you could answer the question.

Speaker 13 If it is a lawyer, you could answer the police officer's questions.

Speaker 12 Got it. Got it.

Speaker 13 It wouldn't be any of his business, but the lawyer will help you determine which parts of your business.

Speaker 12 This is clear. This is very simple.
Okay. Exactly.
That's just this. Reason number 555.
Why I should be dating a lawyer.

Speaker 12 If I want to take a lawyer home with me tonight, you can talk to him about whose business everything is. Exactly.

Speaker 13 Let him handle it in court or her. All right, what's your next tip? My next tip.

Speaker 13 They asked you, have you been drinking tonight?

Speaker 12 My apologies, officer.

Speaker 12 I don't answer questions without a lawyer.

Speaker 12 Good.

Speaker 12 That's what you're saying. That's why you're saying that the cup will be okay with that.

Speaker 13 Well, because he knows that you have probably had something to drink.

Speaker 12 Most people have probably had two to three to four drinks. Not me.
Before anywhere.

Speaker 13 And they might not even be alcoholic.

Speaker 12 Yeah, sure. I mean, Mike, you drank some water right in front of me.
I'm really sorry.

Speaker 12 I thought drink meant something else. This is why you're not supposed to answer questions, Mike, because you're just incriminating yourself right now.
My apologies.

Speaker 12 Oh, I say everyone's had something to drink, and you go, not me. And yet I'm watching you currently drink water.
I can't stop.

Speaker 12 Yeah, so I'm a water holic. If you say you're a water holic, yeah,

Speaker 12 that's bad. Yeah, they can get me.

Speaker 13 They can get you on a, if the breathalyzer, if you're a water holic, what'll happen if you breathe into a breathalyzer is it won't show up as like a 0.08 because there's no alcohol, but it will do a 0.000, and it might do too many zeros and blow the thing out.

Speaker 12 Yeah, too many zeros on one of those machines.

Speaker 12 Also, like zeros might come up in the cop's eyes where it's just like, it's like a slot machine. Yes.
Zero, zero, zero.

Speaker 13 And when a cop's eyes are flipping through like a slot machine, that is guaranteed to piss him off.

Speaker 12 And who knows what it's going to end up on? Like, if you're lucky, it's zero, zero, zero. But what if it comes up like alcoholic drink, alcoholic drink, alcoholic drink? Yeah, if it's not.

Speaker 12 Where's the third number?

Speaker 12 I guess the bridge of the nose.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah. Bridge of the nose.

Speaker 13 Nose kind of opens up, reveals.

Speaker 12 Not like a third eye. The cop's not enlightened.

Speaker 13 No, cops are not enlightened. They're stupid.
They will try to trick you, but if you know the right thing to say, you can stop them. If it gets three martinis on the cop,

Speaker 13 then you're in trouble. Then you're in trouble.

Speaker 12 Yeah. So you don't even want to take him for a spin.
You don't want to pull his arm.

Speaker 12 Well,

Speaker 13 you can pull his arm if you've got enough money to lose.

Speaker 12 Right. Yep.
But so you don't, if a cop comes over and stops you and says, hey, have you been drinking tonight?

Speaker 12 You don't want to say like, hey, can I pull your right arm like a slot machine and see what comes up on your eyes and the bridge of your nose? Because who knows what happens after that?

Speaker 12 You don't want to say that.

Speaker 13 You don't want to say, I mean, it's ideal thing to say is my apologies, officer. I don't know.

Speaker 12 So you've changed it to my apologies.

Speaker 13 No, it's always been my apologies, officer.

Speaker 12 I thought it was, I'm sorry, at the beginning, but yeah,

Speaker 13 that's an okay substitution because it's a one-for-one.

Speaker 12 I once asked a cop if I could pull his arm like a slot machine, and he said, He said, Yes, go for it. And I did.
He opened his mouth, and sand shot into my face. Weird.

Speaker 12 I mean, that is truly out of everything you said, that's maybe the weirdest thing. Well,

Speaker 12 he was eating sand.

Speaker 12 Well, that's nuts. And he was at the beach.

Speaker 12 Yeah, so maybe not as weird.

Speaker 13 Well, so none of that's admissible in court.

Speaker 12 Yeah, just by the way, podcasts are satirical.

Speaker 12 We maybe don't mean anything we're saying on this. Paul Blackboard.
Permit for entertainment. Beach cop, right? Paul Blart.
Paul Blart.

Speaker 12 Paul Blart Maul Blart?

Speaker 13 Do not say Paul Blart Maul Blart to a police officer.

Speaker 12 I would never say that to a police officer.

Speaker 13 They're going to go, are you talking about Paul Blart Maul cop?

Speaker 12 And then it's, you've admitted to having seen that and maybe you had some drinks while you watched that. Because you have to.
Right, because you went through it.

Speaker 13 You have to.

Speaker 12 And even if you try to explain, no, Paul Blart Maul Blart is a different thing. It's a different thing.
It's an old reference from maybe 10 years ago on this show.

Speaker 13 Then he's going to go, you listen to comedy Bang Bang.

Speaker 12 And of course you have to drink during that.

Speaker 13 Of course. You have to get through it.
And you end up in jail.

Speaker 12 And he knows you're a subversive.

Speaker 12 If you listen to this podcast. Hube,

Speaker 12 what if you're in a lineup at the police station and somebody they say has committed a crime and you're just you're not the person who committed the crime, but they say to you, will you say this thing?

Speaker 12 Because the criminal said. Yeah, step forward and say, hey, lady, get down on your knees.

Speaker 13 Yes.

Speaker 12 So once you're in the police line, that's a crime necessarily to tell someone to get down on their knees. They can always say no.
You might be a yoga instructor. Sure.
Exactly.

Speaker 13 But a sort of a brusque one who's like, hey, lady.

Speaker 12 Who doesn't get down on their knees? He's not familiar with the people taking her class. Hey, lady, down dog.

Speaker 13 Been here before. This is what we're doing.

Speaker 12 Sure.

Speaker 13 So once you're in a police lineup, I mean, you've already failed because you've probably already answered some questions.

Speaker 12 You don't want to get to that police lineup. You never want to allow them.
You don't want them to take you to a second location. No, you do.

Speaker 12 So if a police officer ever says, you have to come with me, I'm going to handcuff you, automatically just run away, I think, Well, yeah, you should ask, Am I being detained or am I free to go?

Speaker 13 If they want to detain you, then

Speaker 13 we'll handle it in court if they've done anything illegal. Sure.

Speaker 13 But which they are allowed to detain you if they have probable cause for a crime.

Speaker 12 But they shouldn't even have probable cause if you don't ever say anything to them.

Speaker 12 So if they pull you over and you say, I'm sorry, I don't answer questions without a lawyer, and they say, well, we're taking you downtown. They have no probable cause.
You can just run away.

Speaker 12 Yes, you can try to run away.

Speaker 12 Yeah, leave your car there.

Speaker 12 You can always come back for it later. That's what a lot of people don't realize is like, they go, oh, I don't want to leave my car here.
I don't want to run all the way home five miles or whatever.

Speaker 12 Just leave your car, come back for it tomorrow. Bring your keys if you can.
Yeah.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Keep your keys.
Otherwise, the cop might, you know, take your keys, drive your car around.

Speaker 12 Ask your car questions.

Speaker 13 Ask your car questions.

Speaker 12 Your car knows stuff.

Speaker 13 Open up the car play. If it's a Tesla, it might have AI or have voice-activated things.

Speaker 12 Sure, if it's a cyber truck, who knows what goes on in there? I mean, you know what I mean?

Speaker 13 Yeah, it could ask your cyber truck, hey, where were you today?

Speaker 13 The cyber truck says, I was parked in a parking lot earlier.

Speaker 12 In front of a bar. Now they know.

Speaker 13 Yep.

Speaker 13 So, yeah, just walk away.

Speaker 12 Just run away. Run away.
Run away. Yeah.

Speaker 13 So here's another

Speaker 13 situation that you might be in. Oh, okay.

Speaker 13 If a police officer has pulled you over,

Speaker 12 they're at your car.

Speaker 12 They say, This is firmly established.

Speaker 13 Answer me these questions three.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 13 This might be a troll.

Speaker 12 Disguised.

Speaker 13 Well, if they're wearing a police officer's uniform.

Speaker 12 They're either disguised as a police officer or they've gone through the training and are an accredited police officer. So that could be.

Speaker 13 It could be that a troll has become a police officer, in which case you don't answer their questions.

Speaker 13 But if you're near a bridge, they might be a bridge troll.

Speaker 12 Right.

Speaker 13 a bridge troll you do have to answer a bridge troll's questions to be able to proceed otherwise they'll eat you right they'll eat you and and and force you to become the new troll oh is that how it works i so what happens to them once they eat you and you're the troll they take your life they

Speaker 12 do they switch places with you

Speaker 12 where does the troll go so you kind of inhabit the troll's like body okay they go to the next like dimension the next level level dimension

Speaker 13 control I think maybe they're released from their

Speaker 12 servitude?

Speaker 13 Servitude of guarding the bridge. So it could be if they're wearing a police officer's uniform that they were a police officer before

Speaker 13 who failed to answer the troll's questions.

Speaker 12 I think they get a promotion to a skywalk.

Speaker 12 Not a bridge. Yeah, like a fancier bridge the troll goes to.
I might be wrong, but I had a brother-in-law. You might be wrong.
Yeah, you had a brother-in-law?

Speaker 12 Did I say that?

Speaker 12 I think so.

Speaker 12 In any case, answer the questions or don't answer the questions.

Speaker 13 So, in this case, if you could determine that this is indeed a troll,

Speaker 13 you basically have to weigh the possibility that it's a troll versus it's a police officer.

Speaker 12 Would a lawyer being like you're taking a lawyer home with you tonight? Would that help you in this situation?

Speaker 13 If a lawyer was present?

Speaker 12 Yeah. Well, yeah, you're taking a lawyer home with you tonight.

Speaker 13 Yeah, you're taking a lawyer home with you tonight. They're in the passenger seat.
You can answer any questions in all situations.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 13 If you don't have a lawyer with you and you're not sure whether you can answer the questions.

Speaker 12 Should you just take a lawyer with you everywhere you go? Yes.

Speaker 12 What? Like, are you available?

Speaker 13 I'm available.

Speaker 12 1-800-QuestGio. Well, I mean, you were here right in front of me.
Can I just ask you? Questio?

Speaker 13 It's seven letters.

Speaker 12 Q-U-E-S-C-I-O.

Speaker 12 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 13 1-800-QuestGio.

Speaker 12 Could I just put in the N, even though it,

Speaker 12 you know, I hate to leave that hanging. Will that send it to somebody else?

Speaker 13 If it eight letters, eight numbers, then that might go to like a different country. A different extension?

Speaker 12 Oh.

Speaker 13 It's not an ex well, if you did 1-800.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 13 And then I got

Speaker 12 questio.

Speaker 13 If it automatically starts dialing after the questio.

Speaker 12 But it might, if there's an extension and you've already, and you put in the end, and you put in the n, right?

Speaker 13 It might be the wrong extension. It might be the wrong extension.
So you could end up.

Speaker 12 No, extentio. Extensio.
It might be the wrong extentio. Yeah.

Speaker 13 So then if you get sent to the wrong extension, you want to dial one eight. You want to dial extentio.
Right.

Speaker 12 That sends you back into the main frame. But look, you're just here right in front of me right now.
Can you just hang out with me? And maybe Mike and maybe, what's your name? Teddy? Teddy. Yeah.

Speaker 12 Teddy Today. This is fun.
Teddy Today. And just come with us everywhere.
We were planning on getting drinks after this.

Speaker 12 But are there questions you can ask to determine if they are a troll versus a cop? Do they have to tell you? Like, if you're a cop, you have to say. Undercover troll, same rule.

Speaker 13 Yeah, so you could ask, show me your badge number.

Speaker 12 That's not really a question. It's more of a command.

Speaker 13 So I guess I could say, can I see your badge number?

Speaker 13 And if they don't produce a badge number, that means that they might be a troll.

Speaker 12 I never quite understood that. Like, show me your badge number.
And then they give you a fake number. How are you supposed to know? I haven't memorized every badge number in the world.

Speaker 13 Well, so that's the type of thing that if they do the wrong thing, then we figure out in court later.

Speaker 12 Oh, but if they're a troll, you're not going to court, you're going to be eaten.

Speaker 13 Exactly. But if they're a troll that gives you a fake badge number,

Speaker 13 they're not allowed to do that.

Speaker 12 Trolls are not allowed to do that. I didn't know this about troll lore.

Speaker 13 Well, if they want to be released from their servitude or get promoted to the skywalk, they have to follow their rules.

Speaker 12 God,

Speaker 12 I would just love for a troll to give me a fake badge number so I could just take him and put him over my leg and spank him. Wow.
Spank him over and over and over. Hmm.

Speaker 12 That'd be an interesting thing to happen to you.

Speaker 12 I hope it never gets to that. Well, I mean, you could talk about it.

Speaker 12 No.

Speaker 12 Too personal?

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Now, Teddy, you've got a lot of stuff going on in your life. How do you handle people asking you questions?

Speaker 12 Well, police officers are constantly asking me questions, and I don't have an attorney.

Speaker 12 So I suppose I should get one in order to protect myself here.

Speaker 12 In the meantime, I've just been putting,

Speaker 12 I wear kind of a jacket with like spikes on it. So if a cop comes and talks to me, you know, what are you doing here? Is that your second favorite outfit? Yes.

Speaker 12 You can put it on over your first favorite outfit. Yeah.
Yeah. I have my denim shirt

Speaker 12 and my black turtleneck pants. And then I have, they're covered in spikes.

Speaker 12 So if a cop ever tries to grab me, sure. I go, initiate spikes.

Speaker 12 Wow. And they start spinning.
Oh, the spikes start spinning. Where'd you get this jacket?

Speaker 12 From Hellraiser. Oh, it's a Hellraiser jacket.
Yeah. Clive Barker gave it to me.
Is everything you wear come? Because I noticed that denim shirt looks like Jay Leno's ult shirt, doesn't it?

Speaker 12 It has sort of his like Jay Leno-shaped sweat stains on it.

Speaker 12 Yeah, after he passed away, his wife asked me if I wanted to come and

Speaker 12 Mavis and check out his closet. After Jay Leno passed away? Yeah, he did.
That was a sad day. Oh.

Speaker 12 i remember um

Speaker 12 i went out the day he passed away i walked just went for a walk and there were so many cars just driving by themselves yep he set them all free yep yeah wow it was crazy anyway so that's the kind of thing that can happen right

Speaker 12 cube that that that is the kind of thing that can happen uh uh those cars driving around with no uh with no people in them you know what's so interesting you see these waymos out there driving around oh yeah what if a cop stopped them like what's he gonna do Like, talk to nobody?

Speaker 12 Talk to the car?

Speaker 12 Thanks, Daddy. Wow.
I'd like to see that. Hey, hey, Cube, is there any more to the troll cop, bad cop situation? Yeah.

Speaker 13 Is there more to it?

Speaker 12 Like, you started to say, if the person says, if they the person in the uniform says,

Speaker 12 I have these questions three, like, is there more specific questions? You want to just hear the questions. Yeah.
Because you like puzzles and you want to solve them. I love them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 12 Yeah. Do you have an example of the three questions?

Speaker 13 Yeah, so these are the types of questions that you might hear if you have determined that this is a troll, not a police officer.

Speaker 13 You'd like to proceed underneath this bridge.

Speaker 13 What has hands but cannot clap?

Speaker 12 It's a clock. Clock, yeah.
Very good. Total clock action.
Yeah. Very good.

Speaker 13 When you look in my face, I will look you in the eye.

Speaker 12 Clock as well?

Speaker 12 Wrong. Potato?

Speaker 13 You need to make sure that the troll finishes asking.

Speaker 12 Sorry, troll. Go ahead.
Go ahead, please.

Speaker 13 When you look in my face, I will look you in the eye and I will never lie.

Speaker 12 A mirror.

Speaker 13 Exactly.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 13 I guess a clock.

Speaker 12 Clock when it works too. A clock could lie.

Speaker 12 Well, a clock doesn't lie about what time it is.

Speaker 13 But even a broken clock

Speaker 12 is right twice a day.

Speaker 13 But I guess a clock that's been wound to be two minutes early would.

Speaker 12 I think the troll would give it to you.

Speaker 13 If you said clock. Yeah.

Speaker 12 he'd have to they'd go to the judges like on jeopardy yeah it's a judgment call but i bet he would give it to you yeah well

Speaker 13 what's the third one i wonder if clock would work for this those who make me sell me those who buy me do not use me those who use me cannot see or feel me anna kendrick i i believe it's a coffin it is a coffin i think clock works for that too honestly let's see those who make me i hate to be the clock guy but it could work those who make me sell me.

Speaker 12 Yeah, that's true. Check.

Speaker 13 Those who buy me do not use me.

Speaker 12 That's pretty frequently.

Speaker 12 Honestly, we're just looking at our phones for the time these days.

Speaker 13 Exactly. You're almost never looking at an actual clock.
Those who use me, so this is someone who's actually

Speaker 12 using a phone. They're using the clock.

Speaker 13 They're either winding it up or they're looking at it.

Speaker 12 Cannot see or feel me. That works as a clock, honestly.
You don't usually feel a clock. Right.
It would be weird if you

Speaker 13 To not see it.

Speaker 12 If it only said feel. Makes sense.
Yeah.

Speaker 13 Now you could be listening to the number of ticks that have been going by. And that could be the time.

Speaker 12 That's how I tell the time. Is how many I count ticks subconsciously during the day.
Don't get Lyme disease.

Speaker 12 Hey, Teddy!

Speaker 12 You're joking?

Speaker 12 But I'm honestly afraid of getting Lyme disease. I had it once.
Oh, no. Yeah, it wasn't good.
You and Irene from Real World

Speaker 12 Seattle. That's just where they are too.
Yeah.

Speaker 12 Look,

Speaker 12 Hube, this is fascinating stuff, but we are running out of time. Would that surprise you? Running out of time.
That's another clock thing. You're the clock guy.
I'm the clock guy.

Speaker 12 Or a chef.

Speaker 12 That's true. Running out of the other kind of time.
I guess so.

Speaker 12 Look, we only have, I hate to say it again, but time for one final feature on the show, and that's a little something called plugs.

Speaker 12 I'm sort of a.

Speaker 12 I'm sort of a.

Speaker 12 I'm sort of a.

Speaker 19 The bags of my body.

Speaker 19 Yes, it's nature's bag. The bags of my body.

Speaker 12 You know, my hands, my, my mouth. I-I.

Speaker 12 Wait, did you just put that shit in your mouth?

Speaker 19 Yes, it's nature's bag. The bag's my body.
The bag's my body. The bags, the bags, the bags, the bags, the bags.

Speaker 12 That's the plug? The plugs theme? That's the opening of the plug-bag theme. That's bag or something.

Speaker 12 Parentheses, roly-pully world series remix by Lot Angeles.

Speaker 12 Thank you so much to Lot Angeles or Lot Angeles.

Speaker 12 If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com/slash plugs and you can upload it there. You can find everything you need to make our remixes.
Whatever you need is over there.

Speaker 12 And guys, what are we plugging, Mike?

Speaker 12 Obviously, Rini. Rini, the special on YouTube now and as forever as YouTube is.

Speaker 12 Look out for my new viola music plug theme song that I will be submitting. and you will listen to because you listen to all the submissions that come in.

Speaker 12 I definitely do. Yes.
So yeah, I would love, honestly, I would love to have you do one of these. I'm excited and I will do that.
Everything else, come see me live if I'm where you are.

Speaker 12 Listen to my albums, watch my specials. Everything if you spell Mike the way that I do, M-Y-Q-K-A-P-L-A-N, Mike Kaplan on social media.
MikeKaplan.substack.com is my newsletter.

Speaker 12 I've got podcast, a book, and other things. But yeah, put Mike Kaplan wherever you want it.
Watch Reenie Reinie on YouTube. Listen to my comedy.
Thank you so much. Fantastic.
And Hube Wheeler Esquire.

Speaker 12 What do you have to plug?

Speaker 12 Well, you were looking at him like you thought his name might be Hube Wheeler Esquire. That is your name, right?

Speaker 13 That is my name, Hube Wheeler Esquire. You can find me.

Speaker 12 You seem surprised when you learned it was your name. I did.

Speaker 13 I suppose I was expecting Teddy today to be able to.

Speaker 12 I'm going to ask Twitter. I'm going clockwise.
Clock guy.

Speaker 12 In order. Yes.
I'm a clock guy. What can you say?

Speaker 13 Skew Wheeler Esquire. You can find me online, on TikTok.

Speaker 12 Obviously, you're everywhere.

Speaker 13 If you are in a car called 1-800Questio,

Speaker 12 regardless of if you're stopped by the police or not, just if you're in a car.

Speaker 13 If you're in a car, there's a good chance you're going to be stopped by police or at least be in like a drive-through where they're asking you what you'd like to order.

Speaker 12 Don't answer those questions either.

Speaker 13 Well, just make sure that it's really a drive-through.

Speaker 12 Because sometimes cops can erect fake drive-thrus.

Speaker 13 Yeah, they can. It's sort of like a checkpoint.
They can do a checkpoint to see.

Speaker 12 Like who's drunk enough and has the munchies? Who's high?

Speaker 12 Exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 13 So, 1-800-Questio, I will drive up in my Lincoln Town car.

Speaker 12 Like the Lincoln lawyer.

Speaker 13 No, not like the Lincoln lawyer.

Speaker 12 Better not to be confused with the Lincoln lawyer.

Speaker 13 I'm not to be confused with the Lincoln lawyer.

Speaker 12 You're a lawyer that does drive a Lincoln Town.

Speaker 13 I do drive a Lincoln Town.

Speaker 12 You're not the Lincoln lawyer. I do drive it around all day.
You're a Lincoln lawyer? Will you give us that?

Speaker 13 I'm a Lincoln lawyer.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 13 Technically.

Speaker 12 ALINCINLAYER.com? Yeah.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 13 A-LincolnLawyer.com. That's the other way to reach you.

Speaker 12 That's the other way to reach me.

Speaker 13 And then there, once you're at alincolayer.com, that is a sort of database of all Lincoln lawyers.

Speaker 12 Oh, okay. Type in Cube Wheeler Esquire into the search bar.
How many Lincoln lawyers are there out there?

Speaker 13 I mean, there's at least 17 of us.

Speaker 12 Oh, okay, good. So you all banded together and bought this website? We did

Speaker 13 because we were having problems with the Lincoln lawyers.

Speaker 12 Got it. Got it.

Speaker 13 We're sort of small folks. Trying to differentiate yourself.
Anyway, I'll show up.

Speaker 13 I'll show up to wherever you are. I'll get in your car.
I'll help you answer questions.

Speaker 12 You'll leave your Lincoln at the site, right? I'll leave my Lincoln at my site.

Speaker 13 Take my keys with me. I'll run into your car and I will help you with whatever problem you're dealing with.

Speaker 13 And if you're into live game shows, sure.

Speaker 12 Who isn't?

Speaker 13 At Comedian Clash on Instagram.

Speaker 12 We don't like scripted game shows. Like, we want these things live and in front of us, right?

Speaker 13 Right.

Speaker 12 If it were scripted, that would certainly be weird. Are you a part of this game show or is it just one that you like?

Speaker 13 When I'm feeling in the mood to see how other people answer questions to sort of test my brain about the situations they could find themselves in, I like to go to this show at the Elysian Theater.

Speaker 12 What's it called?

Speaker 13 Comedian Clash.

Speaker 12 Comedian Clash. That's right.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Comedian Clash on Instagram.

Speaker 12 Okay, fantastic. And now, continuing clockwise, Teddy Today, what do you have to plug? Oh, you can listen to the podcast with Gorley and Rust with Paul Rust and Matt Gorley.

Speaker 12 And we talk about horror movies. You're on that?

Speaker 12 Yes.

Speaker 12 All right. Well, I want to plug,

Speaker 12 look, hey, first of all, best of voting is now open. This is the last episode that is eligible for the 2025 best ofs.
Wow. We go Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving to give us time to prepare the best of.

Speaker 12 So this is the final episode that is available to vote on. You can

Speaker 12 go to cbbworld.com and you can vote. I believe it's cbbworld.com slash vote.

Speaker 12 But if you just go to cbbworld.com, you can vote. Pick your 10 favorites of the year.

Speaker 12 And in about three weeks' time or four weeks' time, we do the best ofs uh paul f tompkins and i will be doing those in our four-part series and so this is very exciting you guys just made it under the wire for 2025 this is good yeah scott wouldn't you agree that um the the 10 best episodes it's sort of the inverse of oscar season a lot of times they'll put the oscar contenders at the end of the the movie but i feel like sometimes the voters they the things that are most recent don't stick in the mind is it recency bias is that that what you're talking about?

Speaker 12 It's an anti-recency bias. What are you talking about right now? Well, usually if you want, oh, you want the last samurai to win best picture, you release it Christmas week.

Speaker 12 Right, that doesn't work. But I don't think it's the same with Bang Bang.
Okay. Well, let's find out.
Vote for this episode. Yes, that's right.

Speaker 12 So you want people to vote for this? Yes. You just think just knowing what you've done on this episode today.

Speaker 12 You want people to vote for this one? Yes.

Speaker 12 I want them to as well.

Speaker 12 I think that'd be great.

Speaker 13 I'm not so sure.

Speaker 12 That was such valuable

Speaker 12 information. You're a little more realistic, Cube.

Speaker 12 But also, we have some great Comedy Bang Bang ornaments.

Speaker 12 We have Santa ornaments and Ho-Ho. We have Ho-Ho ornaments.
And we have Comedy Bang Bang Motormouth Guy ornaments. And you can get those at podswag.com.

Speaker 12 slash comedy bang bang, I believe. And head over to cbbworld.com.
We have some great stuff going on over there. You're going to really love what's happening over there.

Speaker 12 All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Speaker 12 Open the plug bag with me, dude.

Speaker 12 Open the plug bag with me dude. Just please don't close it and be rude.

Speaker 12 Please don't close it and be rude. You gotta.

Speaker 12 Yeah, that was Closing the Plug Bag parentheses fart to fart by Chris Gray slash Werewolf

Speaker 12 That's W-E-R-E-W-I-L-F, each one having a period after it, like the man from Uncle.

Speaker 12 In any case, thank you to Chris Gray. And guys, I want to thank you so much, Mike.
Always a pleasure to see you. Congratulations on entering the Fort Timers Club.
Thank you.

Speaker 12 And

Speaker 12 going clockwise, just to prepare yourself, Hube. Wonderful to meet you and such great tips.
Really appreciate everything that you had to say. How many times have you been arrested?

Speaker 13 Probably once.

Speaker 12 Probably once? Do you remember what for?

Speaker 12 Answering a question.

Speaker 12 Sure, but about what? What was the actual charge?

Speaker 13 Well,

Speaker 13 lying to a police officer.

Speaker 12 Okay, that's what they ended up charging you?

Speaker 13 Yes, because what happened was that I was pulled over.

Speaker 13 The police officer asked me, do you answer questions?

Speaker 12 Were you a lawyer at this point?

Speaker 13 This was before I was a lawyer.

Speaker 12 Before you passed the bar.

Speaker 13 This is before I passed the bar. Okay.

Speaker 13 Even before I went to law school, even.

Speaker 12 This is like your origin story, like why you did it. Exactly.

Speaker 13 Okay. Now, I had heard heard

Speaker 13 to say i don't answer questions my apologies officer i don't answer questions without a lawyer which i said right but since he had asked me do you answer questions

Speaker 12 that i answered his question by by saying that i don't answer questions so you did answer questions which means he you lied to him i lied to a police officer he caught me putting me in jail i was charged with lying to a police officer are you wrong was that a troll it seems like a troll kind of question

Speaker 13 well see back then i hadn't done all the research i've done now is all your research mainly on trolls by the way like how much do you know about trolls i know a lot more than most people about trolls at this point just with all the situation since passing the bar all the situations that i've been dealing with yeah do you mainly represent people who have gone under a bridge and have been stopped by trolls or that's these days that's about 70 of cases in this economy yeah Yeah.

Speaker 13 Trolls who, and, you know, like we said earlier, they've been getting,

Speaker 13 some of them have become become police officers themselves. So it's very thorny.

Speaker 12 There's a lot of overlap in the troll and cop community.

Speaker 13 Yeah, because they're trying to get out from under that bridge. They'll do anything to

Speaker 12 ACAT, right?

Speaker 12 All caps are trolls. All caps are trolls.

Speaker 13 It's becoming more and more like that. Yeah.

Speaker 12 Yeah. I mean, it feels like that, doesn't it? These days.
Yeah. And then Teddy today.
So wonderful to meet you. Yeah.
And Scott, I was thinking it's interesting that you mentioned Santa before.

Speaker 12 Why is that? Because Santa, he brings gifts one day a year. Okay.
But you, you bring laughs every week. You're kind of a Santa podcast.
You make people so happy.

Speaker 12 You bring the gift of laughter and joy, Scott.

Speaker 12 To be honest with that, I wish that I got 364 days off a year, but

Speaker 12 Scott is to Santa as

Speaker 12 week is to one day, as every week is to one day. Precisely.
Yeah. I think that makes sense.
So, gosh, Teddy, thanks so so much.

Speaker 12 Thank you. I mean, I was considering never asking you to ever come back on this show, but

Speaker 12 now I kind of would love to see you return, Teddy. I do think that your musings and observations are pretty

Speaker 12 humorous. Scott, you have to admit, from midnight to at least 4 a.m., at the late 10, 6:30, he said 12 interesting things happen every day, but that was only like a quarter of a day at most.
Yeah.

Speaker 12 And he had, of course, by the end of that period of time, he was like, you know, the bottom of the barrel. Sure, but I mean, just those first few things

Speaker 12 were so funny. Yeah.
Yeah. I'd love to, you know what? Really save up your things, though, before we come back.
Certainly. Thank you, Scott.
What even happened yesterday? We have no idea.

Speaker 12 We'll never know, but save up your things and come back in about like, I don't know, like 10 years or so. Sounds good.
I'll see you in 2035. Okay, great.

Speaker 12 Join the Mike Kaplan four-timer over the course of 14 years.

Speaker 12 Exactly. All right, we'll see you next time, thanks.
Bye.

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