Bonus Bang: Entrée PeeE Neur's Entrepreneur Tour featuring Appetizer PeeE Neur Episode One (Ego Nwodim, Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan. Drew Tarver, Vic Michaelis, Will Hines)

Speaker 1 Don't miss Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, premiering on Hulu, November 21st. Filmed live at the sold-out United Center Arena in Chicago.

Speaker 1 Sebastian's newest special features his larger-than-life presence, one-of-a-kind physical comedy, and hilarious everyday observations that will keep you laughing non-stop.

Speaker 1 Sebastian goes all in on family chaos, aging, non-existent matters, and life's most relatable and frustratingly funny moments.

Speaker 1 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, on November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

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Speaker 3 Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Out from Behind the Paywall.

Speaker 3 And this is a great one, very special one this week.

Speaker 3 We are in the middle of a series we are calling a Buffet of Entrees, which of course features that queen of invention and hustle entrepineur played by Ego Wodem, who you might know from Saturday Night Live.

Speaker 3 Now, this episode is called Entre P. Neur's Entrepreneur Tour, featuring Appetizer P.
Neur,

Speaker 4 episode one.

Speaker 4 Now,

Speaker 3 this was a CBB Presents original. Now, CBB Presents, of course, are shows featuring comedy bang-bang guests and characters hosting their own shows.
You can find all of those at CBB World.

Speaker 3 And it was originally released on January 19th, 2022 in the CBB Presents feed.

Speaker 3 Now, this is where Andre Pieneur gets her own show, and Carl Tart as her brother, Appetizer Pinure, he co-hosts the show with her.

Speaker 3 And they are ready to invest in any upstart project only, only if they like the pitch. Now, who are the guests? We have Paul F.

Speaker 3 Tompkins and Lily Sullivan as a married couple named Pat and Paul Schmaz Tons, I believe, who have an idea for something.

Speaker 3 More pitches come from Drew Tarver as Parence Foster, Vic Michaelis as Alex Lilly, and Will Hines as Ralph DeVoe.

Speaker 3 And you're going to enjoy this. This was exclusive to CBB World, and we're letting it out from behind the paywall.

Speaker 3 Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang or CBB Presents, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.

Speaker 3 We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show we've ever done, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents, Scott Hasn't Seen.

Speaker 3 And also, also, if you're a big Entree Pieneur fan, you can order the Entre Pieneur action figure at shop.figurecollections.com, as well as other great Comedy Bang Bang action figures like Entree

Speaker 3 Pieneur, of course, and Taliano Jones, Carissa, Randy Snuts, even an action figure of me.

Speaker 3 You can go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases, by the way, with lower import fees.

Speaker 3 Now, we're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

Speaker 5 CBB presents

Speaker 5 this

Speaker 4 entrepreneur tour, where inventors and entrepreneurs from around the globe dream of a chance to secure an investment from Entrepreneur, gaining a powerful partner to start, grow, or save their businesses and inventions.

Speaker 5 I'm asking for $100,000.

Speaker 4 Stop the madness. If Andre hears a great idea, she's ready to invest using her own money.
I can't accept your offer.

Speaker 4 Whoa, you're telling me you're going to turn down a quarter of a million rectangles with pictures of old white men on them?

Speaker 4 And right beside her is her brother, Appetizer P. Nour, ready to back her up every step of the way.
What's going on? What are all these microphones for?

Speaker 4 But first, the entrepreneurs must convince Entrepreneur to invest the full amount they're asking for, or they'll walk away with nothing.

Speaker 5 There are companies out there that are valuing the company at $1.5 million.

Speaker 4 How many of who? And at the end of their pitch, our contestants will be invited to get on the tour bus or be kicked off the tour forever.

Speaker 4 I'm telling you, this is one of the most interesting inventions the world has ever seen. That's a horrible idea.
It's not even rectangular. It's circular.
What is happening right now?

Speaker 4 Who are our hosts? Andre Pinur is an inventor who comes up with many ideas for businesses and inventions that have already been created.

Speaker 4 She has a habit of describing concepts in terms of their shapes, particularly rectangles. Well, if you don't like my terms, my offer is off this rectangle I eat my food on.

Speaker 4 And as for appetizer Pinur, according to the comedy Bang Bang Wiki, he is Andre's estranged brother who had to give up his dream to take care of their sick mother, Manur.

Speaker 4 He has been a devout Satanist ever since attending the original Woodsock Festival.

Speaker 4 His many jobs over the years include being an early employee for Taco Bell and performing as the fourth lead guitarist in the Eagles. He has a tramp-stamp tattoo of former president Rutherford B.

Speaker 4 Hayes. What? Can a guy love Rutherford B.
Hayes?

Speaker 4 And now, get ready for our sharks to enter the tape.

Speaker 4 I mean, get ready for our people to take the tour. It's Andre P.
Nour's entrepreneur tour, featuring Appetizer P. Nor.

Speaker 4 Well, ladies and gentlemen, and everything in between, it's me, your favorite entrepreneur.

Speaker 4 Really the only entrepreneur that ever is entree p noir and i am all about the money or bitcoin and my rectangular rectangular inventions so anyway we'll be talking to some people but first i want to introduce my my brother appetizer p no

Speaker 4 hello brother mane things are bad oh well well why why you say that why have you left me home with my newer she's getting worse and worse and worse well that's what happens when somebody's sick.

Speaker 4 People don't get better. They get worser.
Some people get better when they're sick. Name one person that got better when they're sick.
I'll tell you.

Speaker 4 I'll tell you one. I forgot.
Exactly.

Speaker 4 Point in case. Point made in this case.
Case in point.

Speaker 4 Is it case and point? Case in point. Case in point.
Case in point. Well, look.
Look at us. We could be lawyers.
We could be lawyers, doctors, anything we put our minds to. But guess what?

Speaker 4 We're not going to do? Be doctors, lawyers. Because we didn't put our minds to it.
I'm not putting my mind to that mess. I wouldn't put my mind to nothing that I don't want my mind to be put to.

Speaker 4 Not me, not you. They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste.
No, it's not. No, it's not.
It's a good thing to waste sometimes.

Speaker 4 Let me tell you about it. They say great minds think alike.
And I'm like, great minds do not think, honey. No.
Great minds don't think. They do.
Listen. Doers.
Speak on it. You know what else, though?

Speaker 4 I tell people all the time, people come to me, they say, How do I get to inventing stuff? How do I get to be like you? All my worldly success. And I say, It's one of those things you're born with.

Speaker 4 You either got it or you don't. There are some things you could do to help.

Speaker 4 You know, of course, everybody knows every good invention starts with a rectangle, but that's again just the fact got me giggling.

Speaker 4 Remember legs,

Speaker 4 pantyhose? I sure do. They used to sell them in the grocery store.
Do you remember Dunkaroos? No.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Well, that's enough, y'all.

Speaker 4 We're going to go ahead and get to it. There's enough of me and my brother going back and forth.

Speaker 4 This is what we do at home, and we should keep it to home. Anyway, we're going to hear from some wonderful entrepreneurs today.
Well, I'm calling them wonderful, maybe a little prematurely.

Speaker 4 We don't know how good they are or they aren't. So I'm going to be hearing from some entrepreneurs today, and we'll decide if we want to go into business with them.

Speaker 4 And if we do, it's going to be a good

Speaker 4 And if we don't, they're going to jail. They are going to jail.
Period. That's period, okay?

Speaker 4 I'll tell you what we're not about to do. Send them home.
No.

Speaker 4 You don't get to go home when you come on this show. After you come on the show.

Speaker 4 The stakes are high,

Speaker 4 but the profits could be higher. All right.
The prosecution could be even higher. And it just depends how the crookie crumbles.
How the crookie crumbles. How the crookie crumbles.

Speaker 4 How the crookie crumbles.

Speaker 4 All right. Let's get to our first entrepreneur.

Speaker 4 Stepping onto the tour bus now are our first entrepreneurs, Pat and Paul Smashtons, a married couple from Stench, Ohio.

Speaker 4 Hi, penours. I'm Pat.
And I'm Paul. And we are the Schmashtons.

Speaker 4 Oh, Okay. How do you spell that? S-S-C-H-M-A-Z-S-T-O-N-S-Z.

Speaker 4 Oh, the Smashters.

Speaker 4 Okay. That's right.
Okay.

Speaker 4 What do you have for us?

Speaker 4 Well, today.

Speaker 4 Today,

Speaker 4 how many times has this happened to you? How many times have you been waltzing around the block? You say to yourself, I want to get to know my neighbors.

Speaker 4 I don't dance, just for the record. I dance.
I do the watusi. Well, I don't dance.
Well, you know, listen, he does the watusi, and I do just pull up my pants and lean back. Lean back.
So,

Speaker 4 but that's different. This is perfect because

Speaker 4 what we're saying is, what about the people who don't waltz around the block? We're talking about the shut-ins. How do you spell it? S-C-H-U-T-E-I-N-S-Z.

Speaker 4 Oh, the shut-ins. Yes.
These are people that, for whatever reason, won't or can't go outside of their house to waltz around the block. Mostly we're talking about the people who won't.

Speaker 4 Not going to be able to do that. And

Speaker 4 you keep saying these, and here's what we got. But what is it? What's the I'm glad you asked.
How many times has a shut-in person said, huh, I need to get something to eat.

Speaker 4 But I don't like to leave my house for whatever reason. But I also don't like those delivery services that bring the food to you.
But again, I'm hungry and need food for sustenance. What do I do?

Speaker 4 I know if I drink water every three days, I can survive for a longer time. I know that if I put food into my body, I will feel better and less angry and stressed.

Speaker 4 I know that I can sometimes tell myself that a candy bar. is for energy.
Okay, I have a question. I know that.
I have a question. Yes.
Are you two intimate? You're married?

Speaker 4 Because this is, this looks like a community theater.

Speaker 4 That's where we met. Yeah, okay.
We were putting on a production

Speaker 4 of. I don't care.
I'm so sorry because we're on a top square. We're kidding of our team.

Speaker 4 We both got cast as the mammoth. I was the front.
He was the back. And people raved about our performance.
The way we move those legs around. So what do you have for us today? Are you a lady?

Speaker 4 Who are you talking to? Paul.

Speaker 4 I... Am a lady.
Yes, and I am too.

Speaker 4 We are a lesbian couple. I hate to do this, but what do you have? What do you have?

Speaker 4 Well, you're bi. No, actually, now tell us more about that.
You promised you wouldn't bring that up. Tell us more about that.
I thought it came up naturally. It's better if we're a united front.

Speaker 4 What's her name again? We're still united. I'm committed to you.
I just happen to be bi.

Speaker 4 That's true. Okay.

Speaker 4 Tell us more about it. Is this Pat? So this cause Paul.
Pat and Paul. So this causes friction in the middle.
Rob and Pat to PayPal.

Speaker 4 Listen,

Speaker 4 listen, appetizer. If I had a nickel.
That's what our mother always said. Always said, Robin, Pat to pay Paul.
Don't do it. The thing is, we used to have a third, Mary.

Speaker 4 Pat, Paul, and Mary. We were a thruple.
And you had to get rid of her because her name ain't start with a P, huh? That's right. Also, she couldn't sing.
She could not.

Speaker 4 Those y'all can sing. Yes.

Speaker 4 Well, now, what product do you have? Maybe you could sing to me about the product you have. Absolutely.
Has this ever happened to you? Listen, listen, listen. I'm tired of these questions.

Speaker 4 Fantastic. Well, they're rhetorical.
Well, I don't like them because I'm not going to tell you what's what's happened in my life because you wouldn't have the time to hear it.

Speaker 4 Let us rephrase musically.

Speaker 4 This has happened to you.

Speaker 4 Has this ever happened to you? Has this ever happened to you? You're a shed and you're in your home. You're sitting there.
Oh no, I'm hungry. What am I to do? I don't like those delivery services.

Speaker 4 What am I to do? Oh, I know now what I'll do. I'll have a neighbor friend who works for an organization called

Speaker 4 Shabbas Goy Incorporated. Shabbos Goy.
Yes, now we come down to it. Okay.
Now, here's the gist.

Speaker 4 Shabazz Koy Incorporated. Koy or Goy.
Goy. Okay, because Paul said Koy.
Oh, no, I said Goy. Okay.

Speaker 4 We both said Goy. Maybe there was something to say.
We absolutely both said Goy. Sometimes our G's sound like K's.
Okay, all right.

Speaker 4 Or C's. C's.
I was thinking C's. Or C's.
Okay, okay.

Speaker 4 Okay. Okay, okay.

Speaker 4 Oh, bye, oh, bye. I think we all get it.
Excuse me, oh, bye, oh, bye. It's not okay, okay.

Speaker 4 Shab is gloriously decorated. What we do is we hire fellow neighbors in the community.
You know how Jewish people who are very devout.

Speaker 4 Don't do that. It's okay.
I don't want to hear that. I promise.

Speaker 4 Slow down.

Speaker 4 Slow down. Oh, don't.
Follow the fire.

Speaker 4 Everyone.

Speaker 4 I wouldn't do that. Don't burn

Speaker 4 the fire. Don't burn the house down yet.
With the messenger inside. Okay.

Speaker 4 Very devout Jewish people, when they observe certain holidays, they need a friend who is not Jewish to come in the house and turn on their electronics for them. This is the Shabbos Goy.

Speaker 4 So using that same sentiment, we thought, what about the shut-ins? It's a beautiful sentiment. Why not us use it too? Why don't we steal it? So we should look at it for our capital.

Speaker 4 So this is a service, not a product.

Speaker 4 It is a service

Speaker 4 that gets you products.

Speaker 5 So,

Speaker 4 in theory, do you mind if I sing it? I would love for you to sing it, boy.

Speaker 4 The neighbor in the community goes to the stop and shop and buys up all the couscous.

Speaker 4 I would love to

Speaker 4 go to the shut-ins house where he cooks up all the couscous. I'll take it over.
And then you have the couscous in your house where you live, where you never ever leave.

Speaker 4 You got the couscous all up in that house where you live and you're done. Okay, understanding.
You never leave, but you're always at. You never leave, but you eat the goose goose.

Speaker 4 You put up your heads like you just don't care. Goose goose body, goose goose body, goose goose body is happening now.
A goose goose party, goose goose body, goose goose party is a happening now.

Speaker 4 I got a question. Do you believe that couscous is a viable replacement for rice?

Speaker 4 No, me neither. I would never ever try and say

Speaker 4 what something

Speaker 4 could replace rice. Okay.

Speaker 4 What a ridiculous thing.

Speaker 4 something like that what a ridiculous offensive question

Speaker 4 okay here's the thing all i was just served just now was hypotheticals hypothetical questions hypothetical scenarios yes scenarios in which i have not found myself you said this has happened to you again you don't know my life keep my life out your mouth yeah it hasn't happened to me i don't eat couscous i'm allergic to grains so what are you offering okay well so i'm glad that you said that if you're allergic to grains we have a no no you won't.

Speaker 4 You're not gonna do it. I can see you gearing up.
No, you're not gonna do it. What about the shardins who are allergic to grains?

Speaker 4 Well, if they can't include nerve sugar or anything that processes in their body and makes them shit. I'm glad you asked.
What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?

Speaker 4 We're gonna get you some oatly ice cream. Gonna get you some oatly ice cream.
You can eat that all goddamn day, and nobody will say boo to you. Now, oatly ice cream.

Speaker 4 I didn't say I was lactose and title. Oat party, oatly, party, ugly ice cream.

Speaker 4 Oat is is a grain.

Speaker 4 Oats all grains. Oats all grains, and you're pissing me off.
Because I think you know that. Is that true?

Speaker 4 Oh, shit. Are they? I don't know.

Speaker 4 If that's true, I've been rolling my ring. I told you we should have read the dictionary before we came over here.
Let's check numbers. So, again, we're not going to do that.

Speaker 4 Okay, we're not going to talk. Fine, you want to talk numbers? Talk numbers.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. What we need on the ground tomorrow.

Speaker 4 What we need on the ground tomorrow is 500 people, preferably neighbors,

Speaker 4 working in communities communities together. Contacts.
Apartment complex in your mind, in your village. These are 500 people, a community of neighbors.
Yes.

Speaker 4 We send them out, we disperse them throughout the city in all neighborhoods. That's right.
Every neighborhood has a neighbor.

Speaker 4 Yes, because they are still, even if they're not neighbors of the people they're bringing the food to, they are still neighbors of someone, so they're neighbors. Yes, they are neighbors.
Technically.

Speaker 4 So everybody is a neighbor. Every human being is a neighbor.
I'm glad you said that. Well, yes, I'm glad you said that because even somebody who lives alone on a desert island.

Speaker 4 You don't look glad I said that. I'm mean mugging me.

Speaker 4 You're ice grilling me. I have RBF, and I apologize.

Speaker 4 Resting by face. Rest in by face.
I have. I have resting by face.
I have IBS.

Speaker 4 Irritable bi syndrome.

Speaker 4 What's that? Tell us more about it, though. Is that what you

Speaker 4 because it can mean a number of things?

Speaker 4 Irritable bi syndrome.

Speaker 4 Could you please tell me? Please tell us what that means. I'm curious myself.
Irritable.

Speaker 4 Irritable bi syndrome is. Why do you sound like Mon Luther Kirk?

Speaker 4 That's what it was.

Speaker 4 That's what it was.

Speaker 4 What is it? What is it? I tell you.

Speaker 4 You never told me about your diagnosis. When you're standing with a bisexual person,

Speaker 4 they get irritable.

Speaker 4 Oh,

Speaker 4 just like it's a little bit different.

Speaker 4 So then you have the syndrome.

Speaker 4 I make them get irritable when I stand next to them.

Speaker 4 So you see, it's not my fault. Okay, I see.
It's a proximation. My IBS is acting up.
That's what it's RBS. Her RBS.

Speaker 4 Listen, I think it's clear. I think it's clear.

Speaker 4 We checked out for sure. What's our verdict on these two?

Speaker 4 I don't have any money. Well, he's being polite.
You're off the tour.

Speaker 4 He's being polite. You're off the tour.

Speaker 4 Pack your bag

Speaker 4 and go go be a neighbor. I feel like I can change your mind.
I feel like we could change your mind. This is going to do it.

Speaker 4 Every shut-in gets an iPad. The iPads are all working systematically together to get the neighbors to the shut-ins as fast as possible.
Like a rating. The iPads have

Speaker 4 shut-ins have no control over the iPads. They work independently of the shut-ins.
If the shut-in is lucky, the shut-in can get in on a food delivery wave.

Speaker 4 I'm grabbing my purse because I'm grabbing my purse because you're off the tour. And I have to go run to.

Speaker 4 Oh, that seemed like you were going to give us money i thought so too i'm grabbing my handbag to tell you you're off the tour grab your bags as well and go home it's been a pleasure and it's time and that's the police coming to get you because i've been asking i've been asking you for some time the cops are coming for you we'll talk until they come okay no you need to you're off the tour

Speaker 1 Don't miss Sebastian Manascalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, premiering on Hulu, November 21st. Filmed live at the sold-out United Center Arena in Chicago.

Speaker 1 Sebastian's newest special features his larger-than-life presence, one-of-a-kind physical comedy, and hilarious everyday observations that will keep you laughing non-stop.

Speaker 1 Sebastian goes all in on family chaos, aging, non-existent manners, and life's most relatable and frustratingly funny moments.

Speaker 1 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, on November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers. Terms apply.

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Speaker 4 Next up, a new entrepreneur has joined the tour. Parents Foster from god-awful god-awful, Georgia.

Speaker 4 Hello, Andre Pinor.

Speaker 4 Advertiser Pinor. Hello.
How are you? I'm all right. My name is Parence Foster.

Speaker 4 Parents. Parents Foster.
How do you spell that?

Speaker 4 P-A-R-E-N-T-S

Speaker 4 Foster. Oh, parents.
Parents. Yeah, parents.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 4 yeah, so in the phone book is Foster Parents.

Speaker 4 Oh, you saw that. I don't know if you saw me in the green room, quite a few children.

Speaker 4 They call me

Speaker 4 and they looking for foster parents. So you were bored.
Wait, no, so you were bored. I don't mean to hop, but you were born.
Do you want me to buy it in? You want to talk about my name?

Speaker 4 Well, you know, I do want to talk a little bit about your name. Yeah, people ask.
We usually talk about my name for about 30, 45 minutes before I even pitch.

Speaker 4 Oh, you've done this before.

Speaker 4 Yeah. So,

Speaker 4 you were born. You came out of your mother.
She looked at you and said, this boy's name is Parents.

Speaker 4 Okay. Got it.
That's all I want to know. That's all.
I'm an old soul.

Speaker 4 Two old souls. Yeah, two old souls.
You were married and having children is what it felt like. Have a children.
Okay. We love when families have a children.
They have a children. Okay.

Speaker 4 All right. Please get into your idea.
Well, Andre, I am seeking $7,800 for a 50% share in my new business idea. Oh.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 How does this feel? Sounds troubling. Is that too low?

Speaker 4 That's too low. That's a little low.
It's too low.

Speaker 4 Okay, I don't even know what the idea is, but that's too low. So you're in before I head off? Well, let's see.
Let's see what you're talking about. What you got? All right.

Speaker 4 Like many of you, I am a picky eater, and it makes me nervous. I'm always getting invited to dinners, and I'm like, I wonder what restaurant we're going to eat at.
Is it going to be too fancy for me?

Speaker 4 Am I going to sweat trying to pick out a meal? Every time I'm in a restaurant, I am stumped by the menu. What's tartar? Do I like anchovy butter? Aside from sun chokes.

Speaker 4 Well, Andre, don't worry because I'm

Speaker 4 not ever worried that you were.

Speaker 4 I'm sorry to put that worry on you.

Speaker 4 Andre, continue on how you are because I'm here to save you from all that hassle with my new restaurant, kids' menu. Yep, I've gone and done it.

Speaker 4 Done what?

Speaker 4 Done what? Created it.

Speaker 4 I know what it is. I done gone and done it.
You done gone and done it. Yep.

Speaker 4 I've gone and done it. Okay, what is it? We are all eyeing that kids' menu anytime we look at a menu.
It's usually on the back page. It is for people 12 and under.

Speaker 4 No longer. My restaurant kids' menu, the whole menu is Is this a pitch or a commercial?

Speaker 4 I'm enjoying it either way. Okay, okay, okay.

Speaker 4 I just figured I'd have a long pre-roll. Okay, all right, go ahead.
All right. My restaurant kids menu, the whole menu is a kids' menu, and you can be any age to order it.

Speaker 4 Gone are the days of asking, is this menu just for kids? You can order just chicken fingers and fries freely without the shame of being a 50-year-old man who has a very unsophisticated palate.

Speaker 4 Gone are the days. So it's a commercial.

Speaker 4 Gone are the days that's going to. That's giving commercial.
Yeah, yeah. Gone are the days of you trying to figure out what prosciutto de parma is.

Speaker 4 Now you can sit back, relax, and eat a small portion of spaghetti and meatballs with a side of fruit snacks and get on with your day.

Speaker 4 Gone are the days of you turning up your nose at a panchetta eggplant.

Speaker 4 Don't stress because we got you covered at Kids Menu with a meal of graham crackers and a blue powerade.

Speaker 4 And Entree,

Speaker 4 Kids Menu isn't just a place where you can get food. Are you reaching for me? Because I don't look so but my you're pulling back.

Speaker 4 The longer this goes,

Speaker 4 you are pulling back from me. Because I see you have a whole other page.
I see that document is two pages. No, it does.
And the font looks like Ariel 11, maybe 10.

Speaker 4 And so I'm kind of, I'm trying to do math in my brain of how much longer I can hear. This font is actually 10, so this is going to be about 10 pages.
10 minutes a page.

Speaker 4 Okay, so I'm going to get it on. I'm loving it.
You liking it. Okay.

Speaker 4 No, he said he's loving it. He's loving it.
He actually said he's loving it.

Speaker 4 And as a business owner, you have to be able to listen to your customers. He said he's loving it, and you said, oh, you're liking it? No, he's loving it.
He's loving it. Well, I liked it.

Speaker 4 Love is scary for me. When somebody says they love me, I usually don't say it back.
What do you say? Thank you. I say thank you, maybe in a couple months.

Speaker 4 And then I break it off early and I run. Understood, it's happened to the best of us.

Speaker 4 Gone are the days of sitting in a hard wooden adult chair and staring at an abstract painting that looks like a bloody bird.

Speaker 4 At kids' menu, you sit on bean bags and you can draw on the wall with crayons. Okay.
Yep.

Speaker 4 So this isn't just about food for you. No.
You want to be a kid again.

Speaker 4 You were made old when you were born, when your parents gave you the name parents.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 4 you never had a childhood. You're like Michael Jackson.
No.

Speaker 4 Yes, you are. You kind of look like it.
Don't you put that on me? Yes, you are. You gotta look like it.
No. You are wearing a bright, shiny glove.

Speaker 4 A sequin glove. Listen.
And a jacket with all them zippers. My dairy curl is dripping all over my couch.

Speaker 4 You got a lot of zippers on your body. Yo, ignore my monkey.
You keep touching your penis. Ignore my monkey.
You keep touching your penis.

Speaker 4 Listen. Your face is kind of green.

Speaker 4 Listen, don't.

Speaker 4 Do you have a nose job?

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 4 My nose just points up at the sun. Come on now.

Speaker 4 Just because you missed your childhood does not mean it manifests itself in leather jacket, secret gloves, and pants that are hiked up with the white socks.

Speaker 4 Okay?

Speaker 4 But Andre, I am not even

Speaker 4 second page.

Speaker 4 Andre, I am not even kidding when I ask you,

Speaker 4 are you in or are you in? In front of you are a tasting menu of all of our dishes.

Speaker 4 A tasting menu of all of your dishes. Yes, so feel free to try for you.
We got butter noodles with cinnamon toast. Oh, butter noodles with cinnamon toast.
Appetizer, why are you eating this?

Speaker 4 You know your blood pressure's up.

Speaker 4 All right,

Speaker 4 I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die happy.
He, he,

Speaker 4 excuse me. Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 4 Excuse me. I got something in my throat.

Speaker 4 What are your pronouns?

Speaker 4 My pronouns? Are they he?

Speaker 4 They are he.

Speaker 4 He, his, he, his.

Speaker 4 Don't kill it. How did you like that? Next up, we got Cheesecake Sadilla with juice.
Okay. What y'all think about that? Do you remember the time?

Speaker 4 Yes, I do. Well, what is it?

Speaker 4 Could you hand me that mirror?

Speaker 4 Who are you looking at?

Speaker 4 Who are you looking at?

Speaker 4 Well, who are you looking at? What do you need the mirror

Speaker 4 Dang, I'm looking good.

Speaker 4 Oh, my God.

Speaker 4 Next up, fettuccine in a souvenir glass. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 Line cake. That's pretty good, ain't it?

Speaker 4 Yep. Cheese sticks a la mode.
No, that's nasty, but it's good, too. Chicken noodle Kool-Aid.

Speaker 4 This is my heaven. Disney presents the diary of a wimpy kid cheese ravioli.

Speaker 4 Now, that one just that one is just regular ravioli, but interesting.

Speaker 4 With the name of a movie, a children's movie. Yeah, it harkens back to December 3rd, 2021, when that movie came out.
I feel like I'm at a theater. Okay.

Speaker 4 What do you think about that dinner cereal, Andre? I haven't tried it because I'm watching my weight.

Speaker 4 I'm watching mine too.

Speaker 4 Watching it go up.

Speaker 4 I'm watching.

Speaker 4 Now, do you have a criminal history?

Speaker 4 I am a criminal.

Speaker 4 We have a rocky past or is it... No, it's pretty smooth.

Speaker 4 Well, I'm going to just ask you one question. Yeah.
Why? Why? Why? What are you going to tell me? Why this is

Speaker 4 the idea? When they say why.

Speaker 4 Why?

Speaker 4 Why, this is obvious. You don't want to.

Speaker 4 I'm tired of having to figure out what a leak is. No.
No.

Speaker 4 No. He might not know that one.
No, not too much of a deep cut.

Speaker 4 Well, I was looking for you to tell me it was. Oh, wait.
Hold on. You was

Speaker 4 doing

Speaker 4 again?

Speaker 4 Do it again. When I say why,

Speaker 4 why? What you want to tell me? Didn't be too in the nature.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I knew I.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 I'm telling y'all,

Speaker 4 if you missed your childhood, this stuff just happens. These songs, they just come out of you.

Speaker 4 What about, have you tried the beans with a giant Oreo?

Speaker 4 You know what? I haven't, but I will. You use the Oreo as a spoon.

Speaker 4 It's a chips. Tortilla chips or something like that.
Yeah. I will try that one because I do like, I like chips and dip.

Speaker 4 Beans and chocolate don't go too nice together.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I'm still, I am open to whatever you have.

Speaker 4 You know, once again, you get 50% share, $7,800.

Speaker 4 And I'm willing to budge on that. What if, okay, what $80%?

Speaker 4 We'd like $80, $80, $2,000. $2,000?

Speaker 4 All right, hold on.

Speaker 4 Who are you consulting with? My monkey.

Speaker 4 What do you think?

Speaker 4 He said he wants bananas.

Speaker 4 He's always, I know he does. I'm in.

Speaker 4 you're in? $1,000, 85%.

Speaker 4 $1,000, 85%.

Speaker 4 All right. Okay.

Speaker 4 And do you take Bitcoin?

Speaker 3 I take ETH.

Speaker 4 What about

Speaker 4 Ethereum?

Speaker 4 Ethereum. I said ethanol.
I got some gas.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I take a bag of gas.

Speaker 4 I take Bitcoin or a bag of gas. And you don't want it in a big content.
You want it specifically in a bag. Yeah, I needed it to flatten out.

Speaker 4 Well, okay, you know, before we fully formally accept, what if we offered you several bags of gas

Speaker 4 90% ownership?

Speaker 4 I got a lot of it. So

Speaker 4 you get 90% and I get several bags of gas.

Speaker 4 Several. Okay.

Speaker 4 Something about this is sounding good.

Speaker 4 As you can tell, I am staying in the same place, but I'm leaning over forward,

Speaker 4 very far forward, and I got my hat on.

Speaker 4 I mean, I'm in.

Speaker 4 What do you you want it?

Speaker 4 Do you want it?

Speaker 4 I'm in. I mean, I got other ideas.
Of course, you in. I'm in.

Speaker 4 I heard this, and I'm in.

Speaker 4 I was not sold on this. Y'all thought I was pitching to you.
I was pitching to me.

Speaker 4 Okay. All right.
All right. Well, you know what? We're in.
You're in. Okay.
It sounds like a fantastic idea we've got on our hands. Great.
Just seems like a child's restaurant.

Speaker 4 So come on, would you stick around with with us until we hear some other pictures? I can see you.

Speaker 4 Once you're here, you're family.

Speaker 4 Really? Like Red Love.

Speaker 4 Just like Red Love's. And if he fucks me good, I'll take his ass to Olive Garden.

Speaker 4 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 4 You'll take him and you'll get him this breadstick. I'll get him breadsticks and Alfredo sauce.
People don't know to order a little side of Alfredo sauce. Oh, get yourself together.

Speaker 4 To dip the breadsticks. Yep.
To dip the breadsticks. So, would you join us to hear some other pictures? We would love to have you.
Absolutely. Okay.
Thank you.

Speaker 4 I sit right here beside you. You can sit right right here beside me y'all got the chairs from the voice in here yes

Speaker 4 we spin them around

Speaker 4 that thing they broke

Speaker 4 these we got the ones from season one so these ones don't stand on you get a little oiled maybe we could use some of your bags of gas

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Speaker 3 Hey, everyone, Scott Auckerman here, and I know you're not done listening to my show, but when you are done, feel free to keep the laugh train rolling.

Speaker 4 Chugga chugga, hee hee.

Speaker 3 You know what? Switch on over to my favorite podcast, Never Not Funny. What do you say?

Speaker 3 For nearly 20 years, sounds like about 18, maybe, Jimmy Pardo and his crew have been sitting down with comedian friends and show biz luminaries to trade stories, riff, and make each other laugh.

Speaker 3 You'll find all of your comedy faves here, Paula Tompkins, Andy Daly, Nikki Glazer, Caitlin Olson, Bobby Moynihan, Edie Patterson, Conan O'Brien, and of course, yours truly, Scotty Ox,

Speaker 3 plus so many more. So for your weekly dose of dumb fun, search Never Not Funny in your podcast app.

Speaker 4 Coming aboard the tour bus now is one half of a business team from Barfalli, Florida, Alex Lilly.

Speaker 5 Hi, I'm Alex Lilly.

Speaker 4 Okay, nice to meet you, Lily.

Speaker 5 Thank you so much for having me. I'm such a fan, and I'm so excited to be here.
And of course, oh, sorry. Normally, my sister is here with me.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 5 it's a little weird doing on my own.

Speaker 4 I mean, I get it. I work with my brother, and this is our good friend.

Speaker 4 Hello, my name is Parents. I'm sorry, you are here alone.

Speaker 5 Oh, a hug.

Speaker 4 Interesting. Which one is Alex and which one is Lily?

Speaker 5 So my name is Alex Lily, and my sister is Evangeline Lily.

Speaker 4 So it's Evangeline. She's Christian.
Sweet. Evangeline.

Speaker 5 Oh, not like that, though. So, you know, that's fun.

Speaker 5 But unfortunately,

Speaker 4 religious, but not like that. Not like that.
Yeah, we don't.

Speaker 5 We didn't do, well, we didn't do rock music or anything like that.

Speaker 5 Unfortunately, my sister does own 50% of the idea. So I am only allowed to pitch my 50%.

Speaker 4 Now, is it sort of like, Evangeline, you look good, won't you back that ass up?

Speaker 4 Big fun.

Speaker 5 Okay, that's it. That is the one, actually.

Speaker 4 Is it like that Evangeline song? Ride it. Let's do it.
Sir, you're going to have to start trying to hug me. You're so sweet.

Speaker 4 Sorry. I am sweating in here, and this studio is cold.
You shouldn't have popped that molly before. I am skies, bitch.

Speaker 4 I'm pinking right now. I'm gnawing on this passive.

Speaker 5 I'm kind of into the dance, actually.

Speaker 4 Okay, our apologies, please.

Speaker 5 No, of course.

Speaker 5 So, our idea is called Pear Redacted. So, I'm not allowed to say the redacted part, unfortunately, because of the court case.

Speaker 4 Okay. I say you got a little display here and one of it is, one side of it is heavily covered.

Speaker 5 That is correct. And due to legal reasons, I am not allowed to say that.

Speaker 4 Is your sister under that? Your sister eventually

Speaker 5 legally, I'm not allowed to say, but why did you bring it?

Speaker 5 Listen, when

Speaker 5 you two came knocking, I said, I got to answer the call. This is kind of massive for me.

Speaker 5 And even though my sister, again, for legal reasons, is not allowing me to present her half of the idea, I said, I got to take this opportunity.

Speaker 4 Have you guys had a falling out?

Speaker 5 Yeah, we did have a bit of a falling out. You know, it's

Speaker 4 ended in murder.

Speaker 4 Is your sister under that display?

Speaker 4 Is your sister dead under that display?

Speaker 5 I don't know how to answer that right now.

Speaker 4 What do you mean? I didn't know a dead lady. My high is getting going to be messed up if there's a dead lady under it.
And I'm going to get extremely high. Oh, boy.
I get high high for murder.

Speaker 4 I watch Discovery ID all day. The editor ID.
Oh, yeah, you were geeked out on a murder-suicide wandering the streets the other day.

Speaker 4 Okay, then you might like my idea actually. Okay, okay.
Hello.

Speaker 5 So it's called Pear Redacted. It's a very exciting and new product that's going to be.

Speaker 4 I'm so sorry to stop you. I hate to stop people in the middle of the pitches.
You do?

Speaker 4 She hates it.

Speaker 4 There's nothing I hate. No company is anything to you.

Speaker 4 I'm such a fan. There's nothing I hate more than stopping people.
I went for about 45 minutes as a prepared dialogue earlier, and she's had it. She's had it.
She will not not. Pair redacted.

Speaker 4 Is it P-A-I-R or is it P-E-A-R? Oh, is it?

Speaker 5 That's a wonderful question.

Speaker 5 And one I would love to answer, but cannot for legal reasons.

Speaker 4 For legal reasons. Well, we got to try to guess what this thing is.

Speaker 4 We got her

Speaker 4 something.

Speaker 4 Lily Alex was telling us more.

Speaker 4 Tell us more, Lily. Go ahead.
I hate to stop people.

Speaker 5 Lily, Kama, Alex is my name.

Speaker 4 So basically, this, of course. Lily Kama is your middle name.
I'm just lost.

Speaker 4 I'm lost. And baby, I'm listening to you, but I'm getting more lost the more I listen.

Speaker 4 The more I listen, the more I'm sort of like Ray Charles out here. No, of course.

Speaker 5 I'm so sorry. I'm going going to make this as clear as possible.
Please, okay. My sister and I had a normal sort of falling out that siblings have with each other sometimes, right?

Speaker 5 You know, you start a business together and everything's great, right?

Speaker 5 And then maybe you walk into work one day and she says something about your shoes, and she didn't mean it in a bad way, but it sort of rubs you the wrong way, right?

Speaker 5 And then she sleeps with your stepson Rhombus, and it sort of changes the dynamic, right? Because no, she wants to be called your stepdaughter, and that's a step too far, right?

Speaker 4 So, what's the product?

Speaker 5 redacted.

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 5 We are booming within certain redacted sectors. It's really a spectacular product.
We are in several grocery stores on a redacted.

Speaker 4 So on the redacted part,

Speaker 4 now is this like algebra where redacted represents the same word every time you say that. Are we solving for redacted here?

Speaker 5 We are solving for redacted if redacted was a completely different word and idea each time it was presented. So it was very

Speaker 4 much we're not solving for redacted. Okay.
Redacted Coast.

Speaker 4 Redacted because it could be the Ivory Coast. Redacted Coast.
Okay. But it also could be Redacted Coast, West Coast.
West Coast, East Coast, Ivory Coast.

Speaker 5 For legal reasons, I can't say, but I'll give you a clue. Neither is correct.

Speaker 4 Coasted.

Speaker 4 Coast Coast. Of those three, neither is correct.
Okay.

Speaker 4 It could be any word in the English language.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Harlequin.

Speaker 4 Great guess.

Speaker 5 Oh, that is a fantastic guess. For which one?

Speaker 4 All of them? Pear Harlequin. Pear Harlequin.
Harlem Knights.

Speaker 5 Close, but no cigars.

Speaker 4 The godfather of Harlem.

Speaker 5 Very, very close. It's interesting.

Speaker 4 Forrest Whitaker.

Speaker 4 No, no, okay.

Speaker 5 Actually,

Speaker 5 he and another very famous actor both agreed to be spokespeople. Really?

Speaker 4 Okay, great. We love this.
Who is the other famous actor? You got to say. Okay.
We're going to see them.

Speaker 4 Rock.

Speaker 4 Close.

Speaker 4 Emsworth. Close.

Speaker 4 It's Chris Plummer. Chris Plummer's both close.

Speaker 4 Chris Kringle. Chris Kringle.
Chris Kringle. It is saying that.

Speaker 5 Chris Kross.

Speaker 4 It's Chris Kringle. Chris Pringle.
The Pringle man.

Speaker 4 We're done guessing, I think.

Speaker 4 Look at Chris Cross and make it.

Speaker 5 It is an actor who played Chris Kringle.

Speaker 4 Tim Allen. Okay.

Speaker 5 I can't say it's redacted.

Speaker 4 Oh, no, he played bad Chris Kringle.

Speaker 4 You should host a murder mystery.

Speaker 4 That should be the product. What do you think? You should host host a murder mystery.

Speaker 5 That means a lot to hear you say that, actually.

Speaker 4 Now, show us. We're your friends and family here.
Show us what's under the covered display. We're your friends.
How many you trust us? Yeah, we're your family. We want to sleep with Rambas too.

Speaker 4 A man in just real big boxes doing Molly and your stepchildren. Yeah, that's all.
Alex, Lily.

Speaker 4 Whichever you are. Well, whoever you are, comma, what is the company? Don't say the name.
Just tell me in five words or less. What's the company?

Speaker 5 I ran it with my sister,

Speaker 5 and I'm out of words, unfortunately.

Speaker 4 Okay, should we give her some words from the word bank? Oh, we're bringing out the word bank, bringing out the word bank.

Speaker 4 Yes, I'm gonna wheel it out.

Speaker 4 You gotta put your dress on first. Wait, wait, don't dress.

Speaker 4 Don't open up, don't open, no.

Speaker 4 What's up? We got the word bank. What's out? I'm pulling it out.
Are you gonna spin it?

Speaker 4 Who is going to give no word? It's not me.

Speaker 5 I thought this was going to go like bingo, and it's more like Wheel of Fortune.

Speaker 4 Reach up real high and pull it hard now.

Speaker 4 How many words does it say she gets? One.

Speaker 4 One word. Wait, but let's get you out of the dress before you think about the word.
I'm going to get you out of the dress. All right, give me a wheel that back.

Speaker 4 All right, I'm back.

Speaker 4 His hips are full of boom. Anyway, can I get one more word?

Speaker 5 Yeah, one more word. Exciting.

Speaker 4 Oh, my God.

Speaker 5 Can I get one more real? Can I get one more roll?

Speaker 4 I'm sorry.

Speaker 5 I'm sorry. I should have asked before you took that.

Speaker 5 But you seem to like the dance.

Speaker 4 No, go hot. Pull hot.
Read the time.

Speaker 4 Six

Speaker 4 six words, six words or less.

Speaker 5 I'm not a bad person.

Speaker 4 I'm not a bad person. One more word.
Murder.

Speaker 4 Murder.

Speaker 4 That's a dead body on the table.

Speaker 4 You killed her for rhombus.

Speaker 5 I want a dead body, but it's not who you're expecting.

Speaker 4 It's rhombus. It's rhombus.
It's rhombus. Good.
Well, I'm glad because usually people, women get mad at other women for sleeping with their men, but the man gets to go scotch-free.

Speaker 5 Can I be honest? Yeah. It wasn't even about that.
He keeps trying to get me to do his laundry, and it is stiff as a board.

Speaker 4 Now,

Speaker 4 the laundry, what's stiff as a board? His body now, rigor mortistan kicked in, or do you mean he?

Speaker 5 Well, I mean a little bit of both. And let's put it this way: he really could have used our product.

Speaker 4 Okay, well, I'm really curious about that.

Speaker 4 I really hate niggly. I am not allowed to do it.
I hate today. I want to know what the product is.
Come, not dry.

Speaker 4 Does it keep you come wet? Please say yes. Does it keep to come wet?

Speaker 5 All right, you know what?

Speaker 4 Come on, come at it if it keeps it wet.

Speaker 4 Pears. And it's made from pears.

Speaker 5 How about this? I'll tell you what the product is, leaving all legal ramifications to myself if you promise to bail me out.

Speaker 4 We can't make that promise. Go ahead and tell us.

Speaker 5 Pear applesauce. It's like applesauce, but made of pears instead of apples.

Speaker 4 Oh, you know what?

Speaker 4 You going to jail? Oh, no. Wait, you going to jail?

Speaker 4 You're going to jail today. Wait, come on.

Speaker 5 You said we were family.

Speaker 4 What about all of you wanting to fuck my son, stepson Rondas? Guess who's going to jail?

Speaker 4 No, unfortunately, we're not in. We're not in.
You're a murderer. We can't go into business with a felon.
With a felon, we're not going into business. I think we can agree, yes.
Yes. Yes.

Speaker 4 You are going to jail. You are going to jail, so you're off the tour.
Period.

Speaker 4 Period.

Speaker 4 Period. Period.

Speaker 4 Period. You're going to jail.
Period.

Speaker 4 Comet.

Speaker 4 comet, period.

Speaker 5 Well, when I get out, just promise me you'll let me pitch my new idea.

Speaker 4 No,

Speaker 4 no.

Speaker 5 Then just make the promise.

Speaker 4 Come on.

Speaker 4 No, I don't look at my cup. It is dry.
We had one thing we wanted.

Speaker 4 Parents. Applesauce.
Parents,

Speaker 4 and I love applesauce.

Speaker 4 I love applesauce. Remember kids' menu?

Speaker 4 Kids' menu.

Speaker 4 That was parents' business. No, you're off the tour and you're going to jail.

Speaker 5 I didn't even know there was a tour.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you're off the tour.

Speaker 4 This is a tough day for you. Most of the people who are kicking off the tour are ending up in prison.

Speaker 4 And so. Yeah, the cops came and got the other ones, too.
You are going to jail, period. We are calling the cops on you, Comet.

Speaker 4 Period. What about semicolon?

Speaker 4 Semicolon. What about Interobanks?

Speaker 4 Parentheses.

Speaker 4 underlined.

Speaker 5 At least give me one of those deadly sandwiches to go.

Speaker 4 Come on. All right, we'll get you one of them.

Speaker 4 Would you get the worst one? No, what? Get togos, chicken sandwiches. No, come on.
I'm going to jail.

Speaker 5 Give me the turkey.

Speaker 4 You don't get no turkey. That's the turning.
Jersey mics without the mics. Wait, take it.

Speaker 4 Take it. Jersey mics without the mics.
It's just jersey. It's just jersey.
It's just a sandwich from the merch. You want a jersey? Wait.

Speaker 5 Well, okay, if I'm going to jail, at least give me one thing.

Speaker 4 You asked me. Yeah,

Speaker 4 that's what, okay. If we got to give you a little thing.
Well, if you want to get something else,

Speaker 4 we got to bring out the wheel again.

Speaker 4 I never took the dress off.

Speaker 4 Okay. Dead.

Speaker 4 Dead. Oh, oh.
Three. Three.

Speaker 5 An alibi, please.

Speaker 4 Just one little alibi. Come on.

Speaker 4 Y'all got any alibis lying around? I I ain't got no alibis. I ran out of alibis.
I don't got no lies. I most certainly don't got no alibis.
Alibis.

Speaker 5 How about we say the weird tall, sweaty one killed Rob is?

Speaker 4 Come on. No, we like you.
We like you. They like me.

Speaker 4 What does he have that I don't have, huh? He looks like Michael Jackson. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.

Speaker 4 Those are his pronouns.

Speaker 4 Our final entrepreneur steps onto the tour bus, Ralph DeVoe from Kunt, Michigan.

Speaker 4 Okay, another, another mother lover. All right.

Speaker 4 Well, I don't know if you love your mother.

Speaker 4 Okay, we love that then. So you are another mother lover.

Speaker 4 Okay, great. Uh-huh.
So this, I'm, as you know, Andre Pinoura, my brother Appetizer,

Speaker 4 and we've got Parents Foster. Parents Foster, how you doing? Oh, were you supposed to be here?

Speaker 4 Nope, I'm just standing off to the side of them.

Speaker 4 They like my idea, and I'm sorry. And they're sitting, and you're standing.
Is everything all right? I'm just kind of standing here.

Speaker 4 I pulled a light towards my face, and I got some light on it now, so I'm part of the show. I thought you had a lot of light on it.

Speaker 4 Look at this. Straight-up ghost story.
Yeah, I did not realize this light was like a dense. Open your eyes.
Open your eyes. Oh, God.

Speaker 4 Damn, the whites of my eyes are red now. Watch.
It's like a one-hour photo.

Speaker 4 So, what do you got for us today? We don't have too much time for you. You're in a hurry already? I've been here about a minute.
We don't have much time at all. We don't have much time.

Speaker 4 I've been looking forward to this for a while, and you're rushing me out right now. We don't have any time for you.
You've been in the waiting room for a while, and we don't have much time for you.

Speaker 4 Okay, well, I appreciate your honesty. My name is Ralph DeVoe.
Okay. And I have a great product for you.
I think you're going to be really interested in it. Okay.
What is it?

Speaker 4 It's this cube I'm holding in my hand right here. This is the Block Talker.

Speaker 4 Keep going. Okay.
Well, Paris,

Speaker 4 Paris,

Speaker 4 come on, Poke a face.

Speaker 4 Poke a face. All right.
Poke-a-face. Give me my sunglasses.
Okay, there you go. There you go.
Block Talker. Now, I got to warn you, it's a little complicated, okay? But just stay with me.

Speaker 4 I think you're going to like it. Okay.
So now, if you are aware, there are things called iPhones.

Speaker 4 Sure. And there are voice commands for these iPhones.
But I don't know if you've had this experience, but if you try to use, you probably haven't. Okay, don't guess.

Speaker 4 You might have had this experience. If you try to use the voice commands, I find them to be sort of unreliable.

Speaker 4 Specifically, if I'm driving in my car, my iPhone is up on the dashboard, and I try to tell it to play music, it doesn't understand what I'm talking about.

Speaker 4 I hate to interrupt you, but what if you have an interrogative commit?

Speaker 4 This is

Speaker 4 so early. I don't have any peace at night when I go to bed because I'm thinking about how if when I interrupt people, it bothers you that much? It bothers me.

Speaker 4 You have done it to me about four times already. No, no, no, I hate it.
She hates doing it. I hate to do it.
I can see the pain in that. Now,

Speaker 4 what if you have an Android? I know you have to do it. This will work for an Android.
This will work for an Android. Okay, and if you have like a

Speaker 4 do you mean an Android operating system phone or do you mean like if you have a part machine part human robot? Well maybe both.

Speaker 4 Okay, it won't work for a part human part machine.

Speaker 4 What if you have a part human part machine creature and you have an Android phone? The Android phone part is going to work great.

Speaker 4 So you can have a part creature. It just won't be involved.
Like that just won't be part of the And I might not be involved in this either, to be honest with you. What if you have an LGB chocolate?

Speaker 4 The way this bitch is going, I might not be involved. Don't you think I'm doing so bad? An LG chocolate? Yeah.
What is this? What if you have a stat? That brown razor phone that came out in 06. Yeah.

Speaker 4 That will not be involved. What if you have a T-Mobile sidekick?

Speaker 4 This will do nothing. What if you have a Nokia brick phone? Nothing.

Speaker 4 What if you got a bag phone made out of pleather?

Speaker 4 I don't think it'll have. I haven't tested it on a bag phone.
And what? You got a boost I-95. It needs to be an iPad

Speaker 4 or Android that accepts voice commands. Okay.
Okay. I'm sorry to interrupt you.
That's quite all right. I appreciate your apology.
That's quite gracious. I hate that I did it.

Speaker 4 You look fine with it, but that's all right.

Speaker 4 The block talker will execute voice commands so that your iPhone or Android phone

Speaker 4 understands them.

Speaker 4 So you talk to the block talker and the block talker talks to the phone and then you can have the phone do what you want but what if you just want to talk directly to the phone you can't do that you have to talk away the phone can't hear you so you have to before you use this block talker you have to hide your phone so you get to position things

Speaker 4 if you're driving i've tested this so if i'm driving okay what so i've i've tested this my car so which i don't you have you don't ever drive in i don't drive i have a driver oh i got money this because i pay my driver cryptocurrency really yes i do and the driver accepts cryptocurrency she sure does.

Speaker 4 She pays so much mining fees every time she pays her driver. That's crazy.
That's something. Oh, yeah, you can mine cryptocurrency.

Speaker 4 The car has a mining machine in the trunk.

Speaker 4 The missions that it put out.

Speaker 4 It's crazy. It sounds bad.

Speaker 4 I've never understood the crypto stuff. Yeah, by the way, so this: your phone kind of becomes a busy CEO, and the block talker is kind of like your phone's assistant.
Yeah, the assistant.

Speaker 4 Yeah, so it's like, yeah. So you tried it in your car.
I've tried it in my car.

Speaker 4 I'm sorry that I did interrupt you there just as well because I do recognize that was maybe the fifth time. It means a lot to me that you do apologize.

Speaker 4 I guess it's not worth pointing out that by apologizing, you're doubling the interruption

Speaker 4 each time. Six.

Speaker 4 But I do appreciate the intent. Okay.
I'm in my car. I'll have the iPhone up on the dashboard.
I'll have the block talker sitting in my passenger seat.

Speaker 4 Passenger side of your best friend's ride, trying to holler at me.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Okay, so in other words, the block talker is a a scrub it can be a scrub okay block talker is a scrub it's trying to holler at scrub

Speaker 4 it's trying to holler at the iphone well what if we don't want no scrub in this scenario you're going to need to want this particular scrub

Speaker 4 so just think of a scrub that transcends its scrub dom okay into it's got some redeeming factor so that's eight times i interrupted you

Speaker 4 that's nine for because i called it out or was this

Speaker 4 each time i count i'm actually one ahead yeah because the counting adds one so if stick is really 10. Right now, we're currently in 11 still.
But anyway. It doesn't matter.
At any rate, continue.

Speaker 4 Okay, so

Speaker 4 you have the block talker in the passenger seat. It's a scrub.

Speaker 4 And you have to talk directly to the block talker, but in a way that your voice is not heard by the phone.

Speaker 4 So you tilt your head to the right, look down at your seat, and just talk right at the block talker. Open Spotify.
for example. Sure.
And where's the phone again? It's on the dashboard.

Speaker 4 Well, I feel like the

Speaker 4 roof.

Speaker 4 It won't work if it's on the roof. Well, no, what's the rest of that song? When the world starts getting you down.

Speaker 4 Oh.

Speaker 4 All you got to do is get on on the roof.

Speaker 4 That sounds like a terrible song. We got a guy who killed himself.
Oh, my gosh. I really did not know that.
That's such an uplifting song right up until this moment. Okay, okay.
So here's the thing.

Speaker 4 You can't put the phone on the roof. It won't be on the phone.
Siri, Siri.

Speaker 4 in my mouth. That's the second one.

Speaker 4 I never thought about it. When you actually spell out the lyrics, it's very clear.
It's clear.

Speaker 4 Done in my mouth. Third verse is take a bunch of pills.

Speaker 4 Take a bunch of pills and get on the roof.

Speaker 4 It's a really toxic song. It's not good.
It's beautiful, though. The melody.
Oh, the music is too. Well, it's to die for, unfortunately.
Okay, well,

Speaker 4 to die for. We like you.
You've got a spunk about you.

Speaker 4 You got a spoke about me? You've got a spunk. That's what my wife tells me.
Well, I want to take a little scoop out of this bag of molly right here. A scoop? Yeah, just a bag?

Speaker 4 Put a little bit on the keys.

Speaker 4 How much do I get it in a scoop? Yeah, you can just take a little. Or you can put it in your water, a little teaspoon.
Call it molly water. Molly water.
All right, I'll take a little.

Speaker 4 Yeah, give me half a teaspoon. All right, there you go.
Just take a little tab. All right, here.
And take one of my Percocets. Okay.
That'll bring you down, down, down. All right, here, I'll try it.

Speaker 4 And you want a Zan? You want a half a Zan? You'll be out like a light. Okay.
Okay, Andre's got Zandy bars. So I'll have half a scoop of manga.
Powder.

Speaker 4 And a half a zoo. Out like a light.

Speaker 4 Like a light.

Speaker 4 Like a light.

Speaker 4 Slept through the flight.

Speaker 4 Some of these songs I don't know, but I'm assuming that. You don't know Slept Through the Flight?

Speaker 4 I've never heard of Slept Through the Flight. No.
It sounds good.

Speaker 4 Sounds like a song is called.

Speaker 4 How long have you guys been pitching before I came in? Sounds like maybe for a while or no. This is the first one of the days.
First one, but we don't have much time. We don't have much time.

Speaker 4 How much time?

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 I just want to express my concern.

Speaker 4 Yes, I'd love to hear it. Yes, thank you.
The iPhone is going to pick up your voice if it is on the dashboard. Are you whispering to the block talker? Yes.
You go like this. Please open Spotify.

Speaker 4 And the block talker says in a nice, clear voice, Siri, open Spotify.

Speaker 4 Okay. Well, not excited?

Speaker 4 How do you see you haven't drivers? You haven't had the

Speaker 4 problem that I have. It just feels like there's a middleman when I don't need to be a middleman.
I need the middleman. And, you know, this is just version 1.0 of Block Talker.

Speaker 4 With your funding, I'll be able to have it do other things without. 1.0.

Speaker 4 Couldn't you just say one? No. Okay.
I need those decimal places because I like small tiny steps.

Speaker 4 I love decimals.

Speaker 4 Could the Block Talker do a text for you, kind of a text to talk? No. No.

Speaker 4 Just open Spotify. Only open the Spotify.
You were able to check it. It also doesn't open Apple Music.
I don't remember. What did you say your name was again? I hate that.
Ralph DeVoe.

Speaker 4 That's all right.

Speaker 4 You just met me. That's any relation to Bel Bibb Dev? I wish.

Speaker 4 I wish.

Speaker 4 Is Bel Bib DeVoe a person?

Speaker 4 Nope. It's like one guy.
Bel Biv DeVoe. I need a one guy.
Bel Biv DeVoe. Beta Hennessy in my mind.

Speaker 4 I need a one guy.

Speaker 4 My Hennessy in my mind.

Speaker 4 One more time. I got it.
That song's about killing yourself.

Speaker 4 That one is?

Speaker 4 I thought you were going to do a Bel Bib Devote song. What song is that? That's one guy, one Drake.
One time.

Speaker 4 I ain't need a one guy. Got MSC in my head.

Speaker 4 One more time till I go.

Speaker 4 I have a power taking a toll. That's been going to heaven.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 I never knew that one was about dying so much. Okay, so here's.
Well, I can see that you're bored, but let me try to sell this. No, I'm not bored.

Speaker 4 I had something for you. Because you seem talented, Ralph.

Speaker 4 Oh, I am. You do seem talented.
You play piano. I'm proud.
Oh, very nice. Good for you.

Speaker 4 As a child, or you'd play now as an adult? No, I have to be a child. Okay.

Speaker 4 I can't do it as an adult. I have to pretend I'm a child.
I have to escape an imitation of a childhood. Okay, because

Speaker 4 this is parry cheese.

Speaker 4 Oh, wow. Remember that? Michael, you're alive.
Yes, dude. Nah, it's just me.
I look a lot like you. You look like Michael Jackson.
Yeah, I didn't have a childhood. His pronouns.

Speaker 4 What are your pronouns?

Speaker 4 Your pronouns are he slash he? Yeah, that's it. I'm sorry I wasn't using those.
Have you ever tried calling he or him?

Speaker 4 Because he gets pissed. I have to get pissed.
Have I? No, you've tried my entire interaction.

Speaker 4 Do it. Do it.
Look there.

Speaker 4 I love him.

Speaker 4 Wow, that was offended.

Speaker 4 That was very offended. That was a classic MJ yell.

Speaker 4 You have every right to. I'm sorry I've got those pronouns.
No, but I do want to say you're very talented. Thank you.
Here's my idea for you.

Speaker 4 I don't usually do this because my ideas run for a very high price. Okay.
Just

Speaker 4 thank you so much in advance.

Speaker 4 It seems you have created something that is able to, with ease, pick up the human voice in a way maybe the iPhone is struggling. You said it's struggling.

Speaker 4 So it sounds like you have a technology that you could just then take to Apple and they would buy the technology. The technology is fantastic.
Right. So it's like, we don't need the middleman.

Speaker 4 Who needs another thing they need to carry around on their hip? Okay. You know, you know,

Speaker 4 where are you supposed to? Does it come with a clip, the box? That's a great question. Like with a page in? No, you got to carry it.
You got to hold it in your pawn or in a seat. So no.

Speaker 4 It's not on fabric or skin. It shuts down.

Speaker 4 Not leather? No. You got to have glosses.
It can't be leather. If you have too much money, this is a real salt of the earth types.
I think you should. Who have iPhones?

Speaker 4 Or Androids.

Speaker 4 Androids. Phones.
If you have an Android, that's irrelevant. But it doesn't hurt.
Okay. Well, I just think you should take this technology.
The technology is great.

Speaker 4 Yeah, theoretically, you could use it for lots of things, but I refuse. Okay, well, listen, I refuse to invest.

Speaker 4 I refuse to invest. Please, come on.
You haven't heard my offer. Okay, make it.
What's the offer? I'm offering 15% of my company.

Speaker 4 You got to start.

Speaker 4 You got to start.

Speaker 4 We go from 80%. You want 85% of my company.
So start there.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Hypothetically, 85% of my company. Okay.
Four.

Speaker 4 I'm looking for

Speaker 4 $10,000. The police coming.
Okay. The police got more.

Speaker 4 We're going to jail tonight. We're going to jail.
You're going to jail tonight. Why am I going to jail?

Speaker 4 Why am I going to jail? You heard the police. I do hear the police.
Bel bib, bell bib.

Speaker 4 What you going to do? What you going to do when it comes for you? My name's not Bel Bibb. My name is Ralph DeVoe.

Speaker 4 Bel Bib.

Speaker 4 Roy Bel Bib. Okay.
When I was in middle school, I got made fun of all the time. I was called Bel Bib.
How old are you in that case?

Speaker 4 When I was in middle school, in that case, I was 14. No, how old? 30 years old.
30. And when you were in middle school,

Speaker 4 so back in like

Speaker 4 15 years, 2005,

Speaker 4 2005-ish. Yeah, and people were calling you Bel Biff.
So those kids knew about Bel Biv Devo. Bel Bib Devo had a huge comeback in my middle school in 2005.
I mean, they did have a song in 2005.

Speaker 4 Oh, really? Didn't go. It's a lot hot tonight.
No, it's not Bill Biff.

Speaker 4 Okay. We're not going to get it that way.

Speaker 4 They really didn't pick up on that with you.

Speaker 4 I bet we could, though. I bet we could drink one, but I bet we could, though.
Wait, what are you selling?

Speaker 4 Some block talker. You're just blocked.

Speaker 4 I'm talking the whole time. The appetizer gets bored easily.
And

Speaker 4 part of your job is to get his attention. You know what? You're right.
That is on me. You in the box? The police coming for your ass and the fire department.

Speaker 4 I do hear a siren, but it's not necessarily. And the fire department, honey, because you are burning this place down with this horrible pitch.

Speaker 4 Oh, I thought that was going to be. Can it be anything other than a cube? What else?

Speaker 4 It's got to be a cube.

Speaker 4 12 fucks wide. And honestly, to the other box and the box, here's the thing about it.
A cube is problematic because a cube should be a rectangle, and that's just on period.

Speaker 4 Yes, it is problematic that it's a cube. It should be a rectangle.
It's giving me problematic. It's getting problematic.
It's getting the same, problematic.

Speaker 4 Problematic. Homogenous sides, problematic.

Speaker 4 It's not meant to be homogenous. I don't even quite know what it is.
You're homogenous. You're homogenous.
What is homogenous? Milk. What color is milk? White.

Speaker 4 White. Problematic.

Speaker 4 Problematic. You want everything the same.
Problematic.

Speaker 4 But everything is the same. It's a cube.
Everything is the same. Problematic.
That's what you want.

Speaker 4 I'll change the shape. I can change the shape.
I can make it a rectangle. Great.
Now you're talking. I can make it a rectangle.
Now you're finally fucking talking. Wow.
Okay.

Speaker 4 Because you see, the police are gone.

Speaker 4 You said the magic word. Caught them off.
Yeah. You caught them.
We caught off. We caught off.
Yeah, when I said tell them, fuck 12, fuck Swat, and he left.

Speaker 4 Now is it? Tell him fuck 12, fuck twat. Fuck Swat.
Fuck Swat. What is his problem SWAT?

Speaker 4 I went to middle school in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Harrisburg.

Speaker 4 Bill Bib DeVoe came back in a big way in Harrisburg around 2005. Are you a Steelers fan? I am, yeah, big time.

Speaker 4 That's a problem. Why is that bad? That's a real problem.
I'm a Ravens fan. Oh, I see.
Yeah. I see.
A little rival. Yeah, a little rival.
Former Cleveland Browns.

Speaker 4 Well,

Speaker 4 thank you because I didn't know.

Speaker 4 That's a pretty big part of the team. Nope.
We don't know too much about sports. Okay.
You should only let me comment on what I know. Don't try to add.

Speaker 4 Don't you tell us about things about our favorite teachers? You brought it up. I had a ton, but I could see where that was.
Dude,

Speaker 4 Baltimore Colts? They were Baltimore Colts until 1986 when they moved to Indianapolis. You want to do trivia with me appetizing sometimes?

Speaker 4 Okay. I love the Los Angeles Dodgers, and they were in no city before that.
They were. They were in Brooklyn.
They watched San Diego.

Speaker 4 The Chargers. Dude, they were in San Diego.
Wow, his offended voice is the same as his surprised voice. How about this? Not his.
Where were the Raiders previously in? Thank you.

Speaker 4 Oakland. Okay, well, how about this?

Speaker 4 The Dodgers. Brooklyn.
Okay, but where were they previous? No, oh, yes, Brooklyn, correct.

Speaker 4 Sorry, I'm just forgetting where I physically am. Sometimes my mind is in New York.
Okay. Well, I'm a Steelers fan through and through, so.
That's sick. Is this real? Is this Ralph talking?

Speaker 4 This is Ralph talking. Be real with us.
Be real. You've watched a character.
Fuck Twelve Fuck Swat. Watts Ralph DeVoe, not a character.

Speaker 4 I did not know the young man said fuck 12 fuck SWAT, did you? I did not know. Delais.

Speaker 4 Who is that? The boss. Roddy Rich.

Speaker 4 Roddy.

Speaker 4 He'll be hosting Saturday night. Roddy is hosting.
He's not the musical guest. They bumped him up to host, and they got that girl singing.

Speaker 4 Next week, they switched musical and host. They got that girl singing, and Roddy Rich is in all the sketches.

Speaker 4 What's that? You said that girl. Who's that girl? Emily and Paris.
Emily and Paris. Oh, Emily and Paris is the musical guy.
No West Side Story. No, West Side Story.

Speaker 4 They got her singing. Here's my final offer.
Okay, I'm sorry. Back to your pitch.
Your whole company. Okay.
Your whole company. I'll give you the whole

Speaker 4 percent

Speaker 4 of Block Talker Inc. Now we're talking.
Which is the name of the company that's making Block Talker and all subsequent products, which are going to be other blocks that talk

Speaker 4 for

Speaker 4 $20.

Speaker 4 Now we're talking. Now Now we're talking.
You just need some cash to get home.

Speaker 4 I need a cab to get back.

Speaker 4 I'm sick of my boss.

Speaker 4 Don't call me. You are going to jail.
I got a cab for you. What's your charge? It's a paddy wagon.

Speaker 4 For what charge?

Speaker 4 What have I done that's illegal? And it's surge pricing, baby.

Speaker 4 You're going to paddy wagon.

Speaker 4 Five to ten.

Speaker 4 I've done nothing wrong this week. You're going to jail.

Speaker 4 Period. Period.
Jail.

Speaker 4 Comet.

Speaker 4 Comet?

Speaker 4 Comet.

Speaker 4 C-O-M-M-A-K. Comet with the T.

Speaker 4 My apology. I thought it was an extra reindeer that I had.
Have you ever had a Kom Quat?

Speaker 4 I think I have, yes. Just wondering.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Have you ever made a quad come?

Speaker 4 Okay, and that's what I wanted to know. And that's on period.
And that's on period. Have you ever made a cock quad?

Speaker 4 How much is horror period? And that's on ever since. Have you ever made a a cock

Speaker 4 I'll fuck a quad in the shower ain't nothing to me

Speaker 4 water makes the period just stop

Speaker 4 what are you selling

Speaker 4 I

Speaker 4 um

Speaker 4 I don't even know

Speaker 4 a rectangle that talks to the phone that's right thank you I appreciate it

Speaker 4 parents foster it's foster parents in the telephone because in the telephone book it's foster

Speaker 4 Parents. Oh, I see.
Foster Comet Parents.

Speaker 4 So, okay. Well, that's my final

Speaker 4 100% of my company for $20. All right, you got it.
You got it. All right.
We like you.

Speaker 4 Show me the money. Show me 20%.
Well, it's going to be, it can't show crypto. Oh, you're going to pay me $20 worth of crypto.
Yeah, open up this app. Open up your Coinbase.

Speaker 4 Your crypto.com. Open up your coin base.

Speaker 4 Okay,

Speaker 4 I'll get that worked out. I'll get that worked out.

Speaker 4 Copy the link.

Speaker 4 Airdrop it. Airdrop it.
Airdrop it.

Speaker 4 Airdrop it. Make sure you put the referral code in so we can all get

Speaker 4 $25.

Speaker 4 Okay, yeah, I'm doing it. I think I got it.
Somebody airdropped me. Okay.
Airdrop. Yes.
Okay. I got that set up.
Uh-oh. I accidentally just sent an NFT of a pixelated old man.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 4 Uh-oh. Oh, Michael.
Okay, now he is Michael.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you sound like Foster Michael. That's worth a lot of money now.
This is? Yeah. Oh, thank you.
It's okay if I call you Foster Michael, is it? Yeah,

Speaker 4 okay. Know him, Foster Michael.

Speaker 4 Listen, we like you. And that's why that's the biggest win.
You've been because you've been able to, you know, we don't like the idea anymore, but we love you.

Speaker 4 Would you like to be part of our family?

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 I mean, I'm married with children, so I'm going to have to let them know that I have a new family. So,

Speaker 4 what tour? Yeah. Every man has two families, by the way.
That's just that true? Yes. Well, then you'll be my number two.
Yeah. Well, can we be your number one?

Speaker 4 Let's start. Can we just start with you just being one of my family? Okay, that's it.
That's it. Okay.
All right. He's part of the family.
Thank you. You've lost appetizer again.

Speaker 4 So I don't.

Speaker 4 That's on me. You've absolutely lost appetite.
It's my job to hold people's attention. Appetizer, show us what she's looking at.
Is she cute? She's gorgeous.

Speaker 4 I'm looking at his wife. Big swipe left.
I'm looking at his wife. My wife's on that.

Speaker 4 She's on that.

Speaker 4 We have a lot of five.

Speaker 4 I just swiped right on your wife on the bottom. This is

Speaker 4 a pleasure. So now that you're part of the family, you'll be hearing pitches with us, but not today.
Another day.

Speaker 4 But now that's part of the responsibility as a family member. You have to join us for these.

Speaker 4 We'll get you two chairs that turn. We'll get the season two chairs from The Voice.
Yeah. Because we currently have the season one chairs.
That don't turn.

Speaker 4 Yeah, they just need some oil and the engines need to get fixed. And I'm going to just be sky-high off to the right.
You know what? I'm starting to feel whatever I had.

Speaker 4 I forgot before I had a scoop of Molly prices. I'm standing in a bag.
I'm going to say it. I'm going to prices.

Speaker 4 I'm going to curl up like a kitten. You fucked up.
I did. I blew it.
Let it ride. You gonna like it.

Speaker 4 I'm resisting. Don't resist.
You didn't have a Zan. 13 hours till you lay and had to be out.
I like the light.

Speaker 4 Like a light.

Speaker 4 Like a light. Slept through the flight.

Speaker 4 Well, that's the end of our show. I guess you can call me Outro P.
Newer.

Speaker 4 That's my little joke. I want to thank my guests, Paul F.
Tompkins, Lily Sullivan, Drew Tava, Vic Michaelis, Will Hines, and a big thank you to Carl Tart.

Speaker 4 Special thanks to our producers, Scott Auckerman and Brett Morris at Comedy Bang Bang World.

Speaker 4 And remember, when you're taking Entre Pinua's Entrepreneur Tour, you can't spell Entrepreneur Tour without me, Entre Pinua. Good night, everyone.

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Speaker 13 Hello, podcast friends.

Speaker 13 This is Elliot Kalen from Smartless Presents Clueless, interrupting your day to tell you that season two of Clueless has just launched with special contestants Max Silvestri and Gabe Leidman of the podcast, I Need You Guys.

Speaker 13 In our first episode, I'm puzzling them with questions about the elements and the return of our game State of Confusion, where you use state postal abbreviations to create a word that solves a fiendish clue.

Speaker 13 Listen to the the latest episode of Smartless Presents Clueless wherever you get your podcasts. You will never forgive yourself for missing it.