Bonus Bang: 2016 Tour, Vancouver (Lauren Lapkus, Dan Mangan, Mike Hanford, Paul F. Tompkins, Tim Baltz)

Transcript

Speaker 2 Hear that?

Speaker 3 That's me in Tokyo learning to make sushi from a master. How did I get here? I invested wisely.
Now the only thing I worry about is using too much wasabi.

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Speaker 10 Hey, everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall.

Speaker 10 And this week, we have another holiday-themed episode that will help even the Grinchiest of Grinches and Scroogiest of Scrooges get into the spirit of the season.

Speaker 10 Yes, the Yuletide Yucks.

Speaker 10 That's Y-U-K-S, not Y-U-C-K-S. Nothing yucky is going to happen on this episode, I don't think.
I don't know. Ho-ho says a lot of stuff.

Speaker 10 But anyway, they continue with another episode in the series we're calling Yo-Yo with Santa and Ho-Ho. This series highlights shows that feature Lauren Lapkus as Ho-Ho the Elf and Paul F.

Speaker 10 Tompkins as Santa Claus. This episode is titled 2016 Tour Vancouver.

Speaker 10 And it's probably called that because it was recorded in Vancouver in 2016 on our 2016 tour.

Speaker 10 This show took place on May 26th, 2016 at the Vogue Theater, which was actually the last stop on our North American tour that year.

Speaker 10 And besides Ho-Ho the Elf in Santa, our guests include Dan Mangan, singer-songwriter, incredible singer-songwriter, has a new record out, a new Christmas song that he just came out with.

Speaker 10 And we also have Mike Hanford as John Lennon, and we have Tim Baltz as fan favorite Randy Snuts. So stacked lineup.

Speaker 10 Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Bang, as well as CBB Presents, other shows like The Neighborhood Listen, College Town, Scott Hasn't Seen, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.

Speaker 10 We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and a lot of original shows. We're going to be back Monday with our annual epic CBB holiday extravaganza.

Speaker 10 But until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

Speaker 10 Yes,

Speaker 10 hello.

Speaker 10 Oh,

Speaker 10 Vancouver, BC.

Speaker 10 Hi, guys.

Speaker 10 How are you?

Speaker 10 Hi.

Speaker 10 Hi. I usually take the time to wave at all the front row people

Speaker 10 Hi everyone. Did I get everyone? Very good.
Hello everyone.

Speaker 10 Oh

Speaker 10 Hold on. I have to do this

Speaker 10 A Realtor a hippie and a dog walked into a bar. I must be in Vancouver.
Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Speaker 10 Pretty good.

Speaker 10 Thank you to Dale Cooper Black for that one.

Speaker 10 How are we doing, BC?

Speaker 10 BC.

Speaker 10 Oh, my gosh. It's such a pleasure to be here.
Last night of the tour.

Speaker 10 There is going to be a death on stage.

Speaker 10 What is up with these little tiny stools?

Speaker 10 When a stool is this high,

Speaker 10 it's just a chair with no back.

Speaker 10 All right, we'll make do. Are they adjustable?

Speaker 10 Did someone say hit it?

Speaker 10 Nothing.

Speaker 10 BC, I love BC.

Speaker 10 Do you guys like to be called BC?

Speaker 10 BC, oh, what a wonderful place.

Speaker 10 I got engaged in this city.

Speaker 10 The last show I did here, I got stiffed.

Speaker 10 Just a wide swath of emotions.

Speaker 10 We're having a really good time traveling around. Have you been listening to all the tour? On the...

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 It's been really fun. We're slowly losing our minds.

Speaker 10 Some would say not slowly.

Speaker 10 Check, check, check. Sounds like nothing's coming out of this, but everything's coming out of these.

Speaker 10 It's been really fun. This has been a great three weeks and with a wonderful group of people.
First of all, Mike Hanford. How about a hand for Mike Hanford?

Speaker 10 He's been on the

Speaker 10 second leg of the tour, and

Speaker 10 what a great guy, and been a pleasure to be with him. And I used to come to this theater

Speaker 10 when I would come up to Vancouver and I would see shows here and I never thought that I would be able to play a place this big and cool. So thank you so much, Vancouver, for letting us into your home.

Speaker 10 We're going to have a really good time tonight, I think. And what is happening right now?

Speaker 10 Why?

Speaker 10 With no shame.

Speaker 10 No shame at all. Just you're strutting down the highlight.

Speaker 10 Who doesn't at least like do the courtesy duck?

Speaker 10 All right, don't want any more of that from you.

Speaker 10 All right, I understand it's raining out. Are you a latecomer or are you just drinking?

Speaker 10 Oh my god.

Speaker 10 No one gets up.

Speaker 10 Can we agree on that?

Speaker 10 No one gets up from their seats until the end of the show. I'm serious.

Speaker 10 I'm serious.

Speaker 10 No, we're going to have a really good time.

Speaker 10 Of course, if there's a fire,

Speaker 10 get up to these

Speaker 10 exits over here.

Speaker 10 And we found out in Canada, exits are red.

Speaker 10 Exit signs are red, which means don't go into this in America. But you guys do things a little different.

Speaker 10 I like that. All right, we're going to have a great time.
It's the last night of the tour, so

Speaker 10 you know what that means.

Speaker 10 We're going to wrap it up early

Speaker 10 and get home as quick as we can. No, of course not.
We're going to have a great show, a mega blowout, some cool people, whoa,

Speaker 10 some cool people here tonight.

Speaker 10 Are you guys ready to get us started? Here we go.

Speaker 10 I feel like I'm sitting on the toilet.

Speaker 10 It's humiliating. It's the last night of the tour.
Oh, balcony recap, by the way, too.

Speaker 10 All right, very good. Hello, balcony people.
And weather report. We haven't done it, but it's fucking raining out.

Speaker 10 All right, let's get to our first guest.

Speaker 10 He is,

Speaker 10 I guess there's no other way to describe him other than he's a mythical creature. Please welcome him.
He lives up in the North Pole. Please welcome.
Ho-ho!

Speaker 10 Ho-ho!

Speaker 10 Oh, good, a toilet for me to shit on in front of people.

Speaker 10 Come on, ho-ho. No-ho.

Speaker 10 Right off the bat. Yeah.

Speaker 11 What would I wait for?

Speaker 10 That's true.

Speaker 10 Ho-ho, it's so great.

Speaker 10 So great to see you. It's great to see you.

Speaker 10 Thank you so much. I'm lying.

Speaker 10 I hate you.

Speaker 10 You're an opposite person, though.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I love you.

Speaker 10 Now I feel like you hate me because you just said that.

Speaker 10 Ho-ho,

Speaker 10 gotta remind myself to stop doing that.

Speaker 10 What are you doing here in Vancouver? You're up. I mean, it's closer to the North Pole, I assume.

Speaker 11 Oh, yeah, it is closer. I mean, I'm here to shoot a pilot

Speaker 11 in the face.

Speaker 10 Which one?

Speaker 10 Some fucking bad guy.

Speaker 10 Oh, so he's like a smuggler or something or something.

Speaker 11 I don't want to shoot a nice pilot.

Speaker 10 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 10 Oh, good. I found a little step.
Oh,

Speaker 10 I should be sitting on that.

Speaker 11 This feels good.

Speaker 10 It's like you got a stool. My stool sample.

Speaker 10 For those of you who don't know, ho-ho is. Ho-ho.

Speaker 10 Sorry, I was swallowing.

Speaker 11 So it was delayed.

Speaker 10 What were you swallowing? My cum.

Speaker 10 I don't know why I asked.

Speaker 10 It's almost like I was complicit in that.

Speaker 10 Sorry, nope.

Speaker 10 This

Speaker 10 creature next to me is a dwarf.

Speaker 10 No, what do you think? Yes, again, motherfucker.

Speaker 10 Sorry, an elf.

Speaker 10 What's the difference between an elf and a dwarf?

Speaker 11 An elf is a dwarf you'd like to fuck.

Speaker 10 Wouldn't that be Dilf?

Speaker 10 Sure.

Speaker 10 Is elf an acronym for that? Is it like...

Speaker 11 Yeah, it's elf I'd like to fuck.

Speaker 10 Oh, ho, ho. Oh, ho, ho.

Speaker 10 But

Speaker 10 you work for Santa Claus.

Speaker 11 That's my boss and my daddy.

Speaker 10 Wait, we haven't heard that before.

Speaker 11 He makes me call him that.

Speaker 10 You're what you call the naughty elf. Mm-hmm.
I'm naughty.

Speaker 11 Well, I deliver toys to the bad girls and boys, like guns and knives.

Speaker 10 Right, so Death Stars. Death stars?

Speaker 11 Yeah, Death Stars.

Speaker 10 Like Death Star toys or actual...

Speaker 11 Like ninja stars.

Speaker 10 Oh, oh.

Speaker 11 That cause death.

Speaker 10 I don't think you call like death guns and death knives.

Speaker 10 You can.

Speaker 11 More to the point.

Speaker 11 Maybe people would start understanding why everyone needs one.

Speaker 10 No, okay, let's not get political.

Speaker 10 I know you're constantly talking about how you want to eradicate gun-free zones, but let's...

Speaker 11 I'm very political.

Speaker 12 Yeah, are you really? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 10 Who are you supporting in the upcoming U.S. presidential election?

Speaker 11 Whoever's an asshole I can fit inside.

Speaker 10 So Ho-Ho is.

Speaker 10 Ho-Ho.

Speaker 10 You work for Santa. Now, not all children get gifts because Santa has his naughty list and his nice list.

Speaker 11 Yeah, he gives coal to naughty kids.

Speaker 10 Yeah, which is, you know, in this economy.

Speaker 10 Worth Worth a lot? What? I don't know.

Speaker 10 But you decided that was wrong, and you decided to give gifts to all the bad little boys and girls. Yeah, they deserve something they can play with.
They're not that bad, right?

Speaker 11 They are.

Speaker 10 They're little shitheads.

Speaker 11 I love them.

Speaker 10 And why did you get interested in this?

Speaker 11 I mean, well, because I felt sad for them. Every morning I'd watch them open their little stockings and just get little shit coals.

Speaker 11 And I wanted them to have something fun to play with so they can torment their families.

Speaker 10 Yeah, every morning. Every morning.
Do you have videotapes of all the previous Christmases? Yeah.

Speaker 11 Yeah, every morning I watch every kid for all a year.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 11 It's my favorite show.

Speaker 10 Do you get TV up in the North Pole? Mm-hmm. What do you get? Everybody loves Raymond.

Speaker 10 That's it? Yeah.

Speaker 10 It blows!

Speaker 10 Santa loves it or something?

Speaker 11 Yeah, he he does. Yeah.

Speaker 10 Does he relate with Mrs. Claus?

Speaker 10 Always arguing?

Speaker 11 Oh, yeah, totally. And his voice is like Ray Romano's.

Speaker 10 Santa's voice is like Ray. I know that's not true.

Speaker 10 I've spoken to Santa before.

Speaker 11 Yeah, and his wife is just like the wife on that show.

Speaker 12 Oh, yeah, Deborah.

Speaker 10 Fuckable.

Speaker 10 Deborah?

Speaker 10 What's her name? Okay.

Speaker 10 That's the only TV show you get and you don't know her name?

Speaker 11 I don't pay attention.

Speaker 10 I'm working then.

Speaker 10 Do you make the guns and knives?

Speaker 11 No, I buy them on the black market.

Speaker 10 From smugglers? Yeah. Yeah.
It's cool. Yeah, it's very cool.
It's very cool. Very cool.
What do you mean? No L. Very cool.

Speaker 11 Yeah, now you got it.

Speaker 10 All right.

Speaker 10 And what brings you to Vancouver, though? I mean, other than shooting this pilot, I'm not.

Speaker 11 I really am shooting a pilot, actually, a TV show.

Speaker 10 Really? What TV show?

Speaker 11 It's like a reboot of a classic 80s sitcom.

Speaker 10 Oh, boy, which one?

Speaker 10 Punky Brewster?

Speaker 10 Really? Punky Brewster? And I'm Punky.

Speaker 10 Because you're so short and adorable. You're so punky.

Speaker 10 Meaning. Full of spunk.

Speaker 11 Did I get adopted by an old man, played by Santa?

Speaker 10 How did they land you two?

Speaker 11 We both begged for it.

Speaker 11 Santa feels he's not represented properly on TV. Oh, okay.
He doesn't like the Coca-Cola image of himself.

Speaker 10 Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. The idealized...
Nice old man image. Yeah.
I've talked to Santa before. He's very profane himself.

Speaker 11 I would say so.

Speaker 10 Yeah. Yeah.
Well, that's that's so interesting that they were able to land such two big stars. This is the first TV show actually starring Santa.

Speaker 10 That's amazing.

Speaker 11 Yeah, and it proves that he's real once and for all for all the non-believers.

Speaker 10 Right. How many episodes do you hope to do?

Speaker 11 Five.

Speaker 11 Not a big order.

Speaker 11 Sucks. And I only get paid $2

Speaker 10 for the whole thing? Uh-huh.

Speaker 11 I don't use real money anyway, though.

Speaker 10 Oh, really?

Speaker 10 there's no sense of like barter or exchange up there in the north pole there is yeah

Speaker 11 it's all through physical contact

Speaker 10 i almost hate to ask this but

Speaker 10 what costs what uh what do you want to buy

Speaker 10 like uh you know some reindeer treats so i can feed rudolph you gotta suck rudolph's dick

Speaker 10 that's a reindeer treat all by itself uh-huh

Speaker 10 for you

Speaker 10 rudolph doesn't enjoy it.

Speaker 11 No, he hates blowjobs.

Speaker 11 He likes regular sex

Speaker 10 with people.

Speaker 10 Oh, boy.

Speaker 10 What's the deal with that nose of his?

Speaker 11 It's a pimple.

Speaker 10 Really?

Speaker 10 And if he pops it, then he loses it. No more Christmas.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Poor Rudolph.

Speaker 11 We keep putting oil on it.

Speaker 10 So, how long are you here in town?

Speaker 11 I'm here for like two months.

Speaker 10 Two months?

Speaker 11 Yeah, what should I do while I'm here?

Speaker 10 I don't know. I mean, I'm not from here, but I've done, you know, my share of, you know, going out on the boats and riding around the park.
Who'd you go with?

Speaker 10 I went with my ex-girlfriend.

Speaker 11 What is she now?

Speaker 10 She's my wife now.

Speaker 10 My wife.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 10 I'm not asking for that.

Speaker 11 You begged.

Speaker 10 I didn't beg. You begged.
You've led me right into it.

Speaker 11 For the Howl FM listeners, you were on your hands and knees.

Speaker 11 See my wife, please.

Speaker 11 It's the new take my wife, please.

Speaker 10 You a fan of comedy history? Oh, yeah, I'm a pig puff.

Speaker 10 Fucking love it. I love comedy.
I don't care. I love it.

Speaker 10 I don't care. I love it.
I don't care. Okay.

Speaker 11 You don't know my favorite comedy?

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 11 The live OJ Simpson trials.

Speaker 10 Now, ho,

Speaker 10 those weren't funny. I mean, a real tragedy happened.

Speaker 11 Did you see him try to put the glove on?

Speaker 10 It was way too small.

Speaker 11 Funny shut. Funny shut.

Speaker 10 Funny shut.

Speaker 11 Funny shot.

Speaker 10 That's the only comedy part, though, in the whole thing. Him just kind of going.

Speaker 11 Yeah, it was really funny. He's a good actor.

Speaker 10 That was a long-running show, too. That was like eight months.
Yeah, I loved it. Yeah, then it got canceled.
I know.

Speaker 11 Then it got picked up again.

Speaker 10 Well, good luck with your show. I'm really looking forward to that.
Yeah. I'm excited.
What are your lines? Do you, I mean,

Speaker 11 you want to do like a scene from it?

Speaker 10 Yeah, I'd love to.

Speaker 11 Okay, you say whatever, and I'll say what my lines are. Okay.

Speaker 10 Wait, this isn't gonna match, though. It'll be fine.
All right.

Speaker 10 And I'm Sanda, and this is like Punky Brewster. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 10 Let's see.

Speaker 10 Daddy!

Speaker 10 Hello, Punky.

Speaker 11 That's what she said.

Speaker 10 Punky?

Speaker 10 Would you like to take a trip to the museum, Punk?

Speaker 10 I said no more homework, Dad.

Speaker 10 All right, Punky. I'll go to the museum without you.
Your car doesn't start anymore.

Speaker 11 I'm saying my lines, and you're saying whatever.

Speaker 10 I'm going to go start my car. Whoa, it worked!

Speaker 11 The lines, I mean.

Speaker 10 Well, this is going to be a good show. Yeah, I'm excited.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Trying to suss out the plot of this one. Yeah.
You don't want to do homework and his car doesn't start. Yeah.

Speaker 11 Then this hot babysitter comes over and she goes out to fix cars and do homework. And then my dad fucks her.

Speaker 11 And you see all the nudity.

Speaker 10 All of it?

Speaker 11 Yeah, including mine. I'm not even in the scene.
I'm getting my diaper changed in another room.

Speaker 10 Why do you wear a diaper, ho-ho? Ho-ho.

Speaker 11 Cause I shit my pants otherwise?

Speaker 10 You're a cognizant, sentient human being. I'm playing a kid.

Speaker 10 Oh, you're only shitting your diaper in the show.

Speaker 10 But Punky Brewster didn't shit herself. It's a reboot.

Speaker 10 How many times have I explained this to you? I guess I just don't get you kids.

Speaker 11 Yeah, exactly. Gee whiz.

Speaker 10 Well, good luck. I really.

Speaker 10 I wish you success. I really do.

Speaker 11 I wish you success, psych.

Speaker 10 Well, ho-ho, can you?

Speaker 10 Can you stick around and be my sort of my co-ho? Oh, co-ho-hos. Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 10 Coop.

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Speaker 3 That's me in Tokyo learning to make sushi from a master. How did I get here? I invested wisely.
Now the only thing I worry about is using too much wasabi.

Speaker 3 Get where you're going with SPY, the world's most traded ETF. Getting there starts here with State Street Investment Management.

Speaker 4 Before investing, consider the fund's investment objectives, risks, charges, and expenses. Visit state street.com/slash IM for prospectus containing this and other information.
Read it carefully.

Speaker 4 SPY is subject to risks similar to those of stocks. All ETFs are subject to risk, including possible loss of principal.

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Speaker 10 Cool. Well,

Speaker 10 why don't we get to our next guest? What do you say? Totally tubular.

Speaker 10 Well, this is interesting. He's a musician.

Speaker 11 What? I love music.

Speaker 10 Yeah, and

Speaker 10 he's from Vancouver here.

Speaker 10 He lives in Vancouver. Cool.
Can you believe it? And he sells out, you know, huge places just like this all by his lonesome. And he has a new record called Club Meds.

Speaker 10 I first met him when he was on the show quite a few years back. Please welcome Dan Mangan.

Speaker 10 Dan Mangin!

Speaker 10 Dan Mangan!

Speaker 10 It has

Speaker 13 really never been easier to be the biggest bummer of any show.

Speaker 10 You're usually the biggest bummer of your own show.

Speaker 13 Tell me about it. I go backstage and I cry and cry.

Speaker 11 Scott does.

Speaker 10 Fuck you, ho-ho.

Speaker 10 People go see your shows to have a good time, right?

Speaker 10 That's the funny thing.

Speaker 13 People ask me to sing at their wedding, and I say, that's supposed to be a happy day.

Speaker 13 It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 10 Do they ask you to sing your own songs or songs that they're saying?

Speaker 13 That's the dumb thing.

Speaker 10 Do you have a typical song that people go, oh,

Speaker 10 I love that song. That's about love or something.

Speaker 10 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 13 I have a song about robots from a long time ago that

Speaker 13 I get sent

Speaker 13 quite often videos of kids in the bath singing that song. It's really repetitive and it's really easy to memorize.
And I have all like people

Speaker 13 I don't want to get raided by the NSA. I have all these like videos of toddlers in baths naked.
Because I think parents send it to me thinking it's really cute, and it is very cute.

Speaker 13 Like, here's my kid singing your song. And then I'm like, well, I don't want this to be on my computer

Speaker 10 because it's a very weird collection. Yeah.
So instead, you put it on a hard drive in a safe.

Speaker 12 Yeah, it's like

Speaker 13 passcode 696969.

Speaker 10 Goo-goo-gaga.

Speaker 10 Daddy.

Speaker 10 Dan, it's so great to see you again. We had dinner before the show.

Speaker 10 I'm a big fan of your record. I didn't know your music, and then I don't even remember how we got hooked up, but someone sent you

Speaker 10 your record.

Speaker 13 It was a funny experience because I was in LA, and I think I told you about this after the fact, but I didn't know who you were. I didn't know about your podcast.
And

Speaker 13 I got like, you know, an email saying, oh, you have some media to do today. You got to show up at this address.

Speaker 10 Content.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah, I have to go.

Speaker 13 And I was really tired. I was like, oh, I don't want to do this shit.
And then I showed up, and then Sarah Silverman was there. And I was like, who the fuck is Scott Ackerman?

Speaker 10 This is happening. This is,

Speaker 10 Jesus.

Speaker 13 And

Speaker 10 yeah,

Speaker 13 I fell softly into your arms.

Speaker 10 Aww. Well, I love your stuff.

Speaker 10 Your last two records are very meaningful to me.

Speaker 10 They're great records. And

Speaker 10 I'm so honored that you would join us here. And I'm sorry that you have to share the stage with this piece of shit over here.

Speaker 13 Trust me, I'm used to sharing the stages with big pieces of shit.

Speaker 13 Exclusively. Yeah, we have a litmus test for the band.
And if you can't suck a reindeer's dick,

Speaker 13 you can't get in.

Speaker 10 Oh, good.

Speaker 11 I like that test.

Speaker 10 So, Dan, you're going to play a song here for us right now, right?

Speaker 10 What are you doing?

Speaker 10 A brand new song. Uh,

Speaker 10 brand new brand new song,

Speaker 10 yeah,

Speaker 10 is this working?

Speaker 10 Can I get some of that? Can I get some of that up here?

Speaker 10 That's fine.

Speaker 13 Uh, yeah, yeah, it's a new song. It's gonna go on the radio soon, hopefully, uh, like in a couple of weeks.
And this is this is how it goes. It's uh

Speaker 13 probably a bad call for a comedy show.

Speaker 13 It's called Race to the Bottom.

Speaker 10 And so the artist screams into an empty cup. He says that you're a soulless sponge,

Speaker 10 but you could still wake up.

Speaker 10 And the capitalist

Speaker 10 says he's born to be free.

Speaker 10 He says you're poor, my friends,

Speaker 10 but you don't have to be.

Speaker 10 Here's what we know:

Speaker 10 we don't know what we've got, or if we got it,

Speaker 10 and what we had, we already forgot it.

Speaker 10 The race is evidently to the bottom.

Speaker 10 We don't, we don't, we don't know what to say.

Speaker 10 I don't know what to say,

Speaker 10 and so the thumpers preach

Speaker 10 both love and hate.

Speaker 10 They say you're naughty filth,

Speaker 10 but you could still be saved.

Speaker 10 And the people wait

Speaker 10 for the bell to ring.

Speaker 10 They say we need a song,

Speaker 10 we need a song to sing.

Speaker 10 Here's what we know:

Speaker 10 we don't know what we've got or if we got it

Speaker 10 And what we had we already forgot it

Speaker 10 The race is evidently to the bottom

Speaker 10 We don't, we don't, we don't know I don't know what it was, but we want it back Like every generation will repeat the last Put a halo on a figure, head a photograph Resist a little bit and then become the man dreaming of a simpler time Occurs to me that the past is hypothetical, fantasy and nostalgia.

Speaker 10 Just ain't what it used to be.

Speaker 10 So here's what we know:

Speaker 10 we don't know what we got or if we got it.

Speaker 10 And what we had, we already forgot it.

Speaker 10 The race is evidently to the bottom.

Speaker 10 We don't, we don't, we don't know what to say.

Speaker 10 I don't know what to say.

Speaker 10 Dan Mangan,

Speaker 10 There you go. Bravo!

Speaker 13 Very kind.

Speaker 10 Oh,

Speaker 10 beautiful.

Speaker 10 Please have a seat. Join us here.
Take off the guitar. Are you just going to put it on the ground? That's going to be filthy.

Speaker 13 Makes you look cooler, man.

Speaker 10 Ho-ho, have you ever made a race to the bottom?

Speaker 11 Yeah, you bet. Bottom of an asshole.

Speaker 10 Too easy, too easy.

Speaker 11 That song made me hard.

Speaker 11 So sad.

Speaker 10 By the way, Dan, Hoho doesn't have a penis. He has.

Speaker 10 What do you have?

Speaker 11 Well, I'm also not a boy necessarily.

Speaker 10 Well, that's true, but I get very confused with gender sometimes when I talk to people.

Speaker 11 I have a candy cane dick.

Speaker 13 You could call it a Saint Eunuch.

Speaker 10 Ooh.

Speaker 10 Does that make sense? Yeah.

Speaker 10 I love it.

Speaker 11 No balls.

Speaker 10 Do you have balls? Uh-uh.

Speaker 11 Really? I had snowballs, but they melted.

Speaker 10 This is the kind of thing you like after a song like that, right?

Speaker 13 It's good. You know, it really wraps it all up.

Speaker 10 You know,

Speaker 10 it's good.

Speaker 10 Why write that song? If not you, who, and if not now, when?

Speaker 13 Well, the truth is that actually Prince wrote it for me and

Speaker 10 before we were just in Minneapolis a city in mourning yeah no kidding rough go rough go this year Bowie Prince who who okay so Bowie and Prince both huge for me who would be your person that you wouldn't want to die

Speaker 10 and you can include your family

Speaker 10 Rip Taylor is he dead rip Taylor I just couldn't handle that oh yeah. I met him once.
Yeah.

Speaker 10 And I was like, that's Rip Taylor. I was at a convention.
I was like, that's Rip Taylor. I held up my phone to take pictures.
He's like, no pictures.

Speaker 13 Like, he doesn't believe in them. Yeah.

Speaker 10 Yeah, he was saying just generally all over the world.

Speaker 13 You just happened to be there at the time. That's like his Tourette's thing.
He just goes around saying that.

Speaker 10 So do you have a new full-length long player coming out or what's happening?

Speaker 13 We're about to surprise announce something.

Speaker 10 Is this a sklusie?

Speaker 10 Yeah, sort of, yeah.

Speaker 13 But

Speaker 13 it's not like a full-length.

Speaker 13 It's a bunch of stuff jammed together, a collaboration with another singer, and a cover of a Robin song.

Speaker 10 Which one? Let me see. Dancing.

Speaker 13 Dancing on my own note? No. That is a good song, though.

Speaker 10 Call your friend.

Speaker 10 Right now? Jesus.

Speaker 13 No, it's a song called Hang With Me.

Speaker 10 Oh, wow.

Speaker 10 Very nice.

Speaker 13 Don't tell anyone internet recording.

Speaker 10 Shit. When are you announcing it?

Speaker 13 In like two weeks.

Speaker 10 Oh, okay.

Speaker 10 Keep a lid on this.

Speaker 10 Uh-oh.

Speaker 13 People be like, oh, that guy we haven't heard of announced something I don't give a shit about. That's what they'll think.

Speaker 10 Can you imagine the internet headlines? Who gives a shit?

Speaker 13 Finally, Pitchfork will have something to write about.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I always thought that was funny. You'd hear

Speaker 13 some band who was releasing their first record and they're totally unknown. They're playing to their cousins and their cousins' friends at a tiny little club.

Speaker 13 And they're like, yeah, you know, I just didn't want our album to leak.

Speaker 13 And I'm like, I mean, you too doesn't want their album to leak, but I think you want your album to leak as far and wide as possible just so somebody will come to your show.

Speaker 13 It's kind of how I feel still.

Speaker 10 It's great that people are talking about you. So if the word gets out, then there you go.

Speaker 13 It's a leak to the bottom. That's what it is.

Speaker 10 A leaky bottom.

Speaker 11 Slurp, slurp.

Speaker 10 Essentially, anal seepage. Okay.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 10 So when does, I mean, it comes out in a little bit. You're announcing it in a couple weeks, comes out in a little bit.
That's very exciting.

Speaker 10 And you say it's not a long player, but it's it's more like an EP or something like that. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 13 I feel like I've been kind of confined to the album thing for a long time, and it's like you're writing or you're putting together or you're spending X amount of dollars to make a thing, a record.

Speaker 10 How much money do you spend on a record?

Speaker 13 I usually download them for free.

Speaker 13 No.

Speaker 13 You know, you'd have to ask the Canadian government because they know.

Speaker 13 Good old Canadian.

Speaker 10 Do they subsidize it? Oh, totally.

Speaker 13 They do. It's amazing.
You guys don't know what you're missing. It's the best up here.

Speaker 13 Like, if you fall and you get hurt, you just go get it checked out, man. And then it's like, it's good.
They just do it for you. It's awesome.

Speaker 10 But now, what they say, you know, the people who are against this in the States, what they say is, well, you got to wait a long time. Or the doctors are terrible.
Yeah, those people are idiots.

Speaker 13 Not to get too political here, but I.

Speaker 10 Get it. Let's get political.
Hello. Join in on this.
Trump, trump, trump.

Speaker 13 Like, people talk about like, oh, it's like it's less free up there because you don't get to choose your doctor, which is the opposite of the truth.

Speaker 13 That's incorrect because up here you can go to any doctor and it's all free.

Speaker 13 Whereas in the States, you can only go to a doctor that's part of your care package, otherwise it doesn't count, which is actually less freedom.

Speaker 13 Just turn that shit upside down, you know?

Speaker 10 Who's your doctor?

Speaker 10 Who's your daddy?

Speaker 13 It's the same person.

Speaker 13 Our visits are very good.

Speaker 13 He's like, Didn't you just get a colonoscopy last week? I'm like, Yeah, man.

Speaker 10 Again, again. Good, again.
Slurp, slurp.

Speaker 10 Well, Dan, it's great having you on here.

Speaker 10 You can stick around and talk to some of our

Speaker 10 fantastic. Well, and you're going to sing another song a little later in the show as well.
All right. Fantastic.
Dan Mangot, everyone.

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Speaker 10 We should get to our next guest, And Dan, I think you're going to be very interested in this because he also is a musician.

Speaker 10 He was in a European rock band in the 60s. Please welcome John Lennon.

Speaker 10 John Lennon, sure, right there is great. Yes.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 10 Hello.

Speaker 10 Hello, John.

Speaker 12 Well, I was going to say welcome to be here.

Speaker 10 Thanks for having me.

Speaker 10 Have a seat. What's up? Thank you very much.

Speaker 10 I forgot. That's right.
You're like a sitting vampire?

Speaker 12 I'm vampiric when it comes to sitting.

Speaker 10 You have to be invited. Right.

Speaker 12 But I won't bite your neck.

Speaker 10 Oh, please. Now, wait a minute.

Speaker 10 John, this is ho-ho. Hello.
Hi, hello. Did you ever give

Speaker 10 toys to John Lennon here? I wonder if he was a naughty kid.

Speaker 11 Oh, yeah. Well, do you remember what you got for Christmas growing up?

Speaker 12 Yeah, I remember I got a deflated soccer ball.

Speaker 11 He was just a little bad.

Speaker 10 And this is Dan Mangan. He's another musician.
Damn. Oh, oh, a musician.

Speaker 12 That would explain the guitar. You know.

Speaker 12 I have a guitar of my own. It's fantastic.
It's got the... Do you ever use a whammy bar? I don't see one on there.

Speaker 12 You wouldn't on an acoustic, but that's musician talk.

Speaker 12 I bet that half your audience has no idea what I'm talking about.

Speaker 10 They just tuned out right then. No whammies!

Speaker 12 Well, exactly, no whammies for me at the moment. My whammy bar connected to my guitar is at my friend's house.

Speaker 10 Are you more upset about the whammy bar? Normally people would say, My guitar is at my friend's house. You're like, my whammy bar is at.

Speaker 12 My whammy bar attached to an electric Fender Stratocaster.

Speaker 10 Oh, good good guitar.

Speaker 1 Good British.

Speaker 10 Great.

Speaker 10 It's at your friend's house.

Speaker 12 Who's your friend? My friend is my old drummer for my old band, and I haven't seen him. I've seen him recently, but he won't give it back to me, you know, the guitar.

Speaker 10 The band is...

Speaker 12 The band is the European band, the Beatles.

Speaker 10 Was, was. We don't tour anymore.

Speaker 12 We don't even see two of them.

Speaker 10 And the drummer's name is, of course.

Speaker 10 Oh, the drummer's Ringo.

Speaker 10 Ringo star. Sure.
One of the best drummers in the world.

Speaker 12 In my opinion.

Speaker 10 In a lot of people's opinion.

Speaker 12 Well, they're smart people then, whoever you're talking about. I was looking for a place to put my foot.

Speaker 10 Yeah, there is no place to put feet here. I guess I gotta go really high up.
I got the best one. Yeah.

Speaker 10 There you go.

Speaker 12 Thank you, Dan.

Speaker 13 I've always wanted John Lennon's foot on my stool.

Speaker 12 That was uncomfortable for me because my hamstrings are so tight from jogging this afternoon.

Speaker 10 You'd jog this afternoon?

Speaker 13 You'd jog too if there was a guy with a gun.

Speaker 10 That's bringing back a lot of bad memories for John.

Speaker 12 No, this is a part of my life I want to forget.

Speaker 12 You know, it was very painful for me physically and emotionally.

Speaker 10 When you died?

Speaker 12 When I died. Right.
When I died.

Speaker 12 If we could move on,

Speaker 12 whoever's hosting this could really be.

Speaker 10 Oh, it's me. But just so Dan knows what's going on, you were dead for four years.

Speaker 12 Right. And I came back alive in 1984 because I liked the title of that book.
Did I have it? I've got to read it. I have it.
Now I've got the library card now, so I can go down and get it.

Speaker 10 When did you get the library card?

Speaker 12 Well, it's a little embarrassing. I got it back in October.

Speaker 11 Why don't you just buy the book?

Speaker 12 You know, sure, I have lots of money, but purchases like that when I can get it for free at the public library, it's just not being smart with your money.

Speaker 10 Plus then you have a house with a book in it, you know, instead of a clean, nice, clean house.

Speaker 12 Right, you know, those.

Speaker 10 That's a good point.

Speaker 12 You don't want too much clutter because then you get a book and then the next thing you know you've got a tea set right next to it and then you're oh, there's two things here.

Speaker 12 Why don't I just throw my coat down?

Speaker 12 And the next thing you're emailing your friends, check me out this week on Hoarders.

Speaker 10 So, John, what are you doing in Vancouver? I mean, I've seen you on several stops along the way here.

Speaker 12 Well, I'm taking a little bit of vacation. Ringo and I split up from a fishing trip.
He had to go back home.

Speaker 10 That's right, you were fishing in Denver. Denver, Colorado.

Speaker 11 And you have a fish shirt on that's his color. That's right.

Speaker 10 It's a picture of a fish.

Speaker 12 Right, and he's got a hat on and a pipe in his mouth.

Speaker 11 That's funny.

Speaker 11 How's he going to smoke underwater?

Speaker 10 It's your target audience here. Hello.

Speaker 12 You can make shirts with any animal with anything in them.

Speaker 10 No, you can't.

Speaker 12 I couldn't, but I'm sure somebody could.

Speaker 10 So you and Ringo were in Denver. You were fly fishing.

Speaker 12 Right.

Speaker 10 Right, and you hurt your toe.

Speaker 12 I hurt my toe. I got stung by a bunch of bees, 30 or 40.
And we didn't, you know, we didn't catch a thing.

Speaker 10 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 12 Well, we had no idea what we're doing.

Speaker 12 I had the only bug we could catch, because you know, you have to make a lure.

Speaker 12 I caught a butterfly.

Speaker 10 You caught a butterfly?

Speaker 10 The degree of difficulty on that is very high.

Speaker 12 It was, well, it was tough, but I had a good net.

Speaker 10 Okay, not with the pole.

Speaker 10 With the net.

Speaker 10 Right. Oh, yeah.
Oh, oh, I see what you say.

Speaker 12 I caught a butterfly with a net and then made a lure out of it.

Speaker 10 Okay, I see what you're saying. And you see what I'm saying.

Speaker 12 Yes.

Speaker 10 They see what she's saying?

Speaker 10 That's not how you do that joke.

Speaker 10 It's just, that's what she said.

Speaker 12 No, isn't it, you know, if someone says,

Speaker 12 you know,

Speaker 12 I've got something in my mouth. Oh, isn't that what she should have been saying?

Speaker 10 I don't know.

Speaker 12 Look, I've seen the British and American office. I'd think I'd know.
Really?

Speaker 12 Not a lot of people can claim that.

Speaker 10 So you split up with Ringo, and then why did you come to Vancouver?

Speaker 12 I'd never been up here before. I knew it was a nice place to be.
And I heard there was orca whales out in the water.

Speaker 10 Orca whales? Right.

Speaker 12 And I said, well, you know, I've seen those only on logos for theme parks.

Speaker 10 You've never gone into the theme park?

Speaker 12 No, I've just driven by it.

Speaker 12 So geez, if I only had a coupon, it would be worth it.

Speaker 11 Why are you so cheap?

Speaker 12 No, listen, I'm not cheap. I'm saving my money for a rainy day.

Speaker 13 There's an orca library here. You can just borrow one every now and then if you want.

Speaker 10 Really?

Speaker 12 Now as you know as just a tourist, I don't know if you're lying to me

Speaker 12 What would I do with it? I'd probably try to recreate some of those free willy scenes.

Speaker 10 With you as the kid kind of go like this. Yeah.
And it jumping over you. Right.

Speaker 12 And I'd say.

Speaker 10 I think that's the whole movie.

Speaker 10 That was the only scene in the movie.

Speaker 12 It was the first fully slow-mo movie.

Speaker 12 If my cinema history serves me correctly. I tried to take a class at Columbia.

Speaker 10 You watch movies and there's always slow motion in it and everyone's fine with it. What if there was fast motion in every movie? It was just people walking.

Speaker 10 Hey, come here, Raywell. Why aren't you going over here?

Speaker 10 oh don't you want the blue pill somehow everyone's cool with slow motion did you say blue pill red pill yeah hey hey Neil

Speaker 10 you a fan of the Matrix I love them I love the I they get better as they go

Speaker 10 to me

Speaker 12 but you know I haven't seen them in a little bit

Speaker 10 so you you came up here just because orcas were up here.

Speaker 12 Right, and I just, and I'd never been and I wanted to take some time out and have a little fun. I needed a vacation for my vacation with him.
Sure, yeah.

Speaker 12 Because I'm, you know, as I told you, I'm trying to find a job, so I needed a little, I just want to decompress fully before I went on the job hunt.

Speaker 10 What job are you looking for again?

Speaker 12 Anything, really, but I need it, you know, I need my weekends free. That's non-optional.

Speaker 10 Non-negotiable for you. Right.
You got to only work Monday through Friday.

Speaker 12 Exactly. Right.

Speaker 11 What can you do? What are your special skills?

Speaker 12 Well, you know, I can play the guitar and

Speaker 12 I can sing songs.

Speaker 10 You can inspire Beatlemania.

Speaker 12 Ooh, that's true. We did that once back in the 60s.

Speaker 12 Everyone went nuts for our band.

Speaker 10 I remember. Yeah.

Speaker 12 Because, you know, we were really rock and roll stuff, you know?

Speaker 10 People still like the Beatles. They still revere the Beatles.

Speaker 12 Right, you know that number one album, that album number one?

Speaker 10 Yeah, number one, yeah.

Speaker 10 The Beatles won.

Speaker 12 It's selling like crazy.

Speaker 12 And somebody told me, a friend of mine.

Speaker 10 What friend?

Speaker 12 Well, he was in the band, this friend of mine.

Speaker 10 You're talking about Ringo again.

Speaker 12 Ringo, right. It was Ringo.

Speaker 12 He said, hey, you know, I was down at the library, the New York City Library, and they've got a number one album there. So, you know, if we do it right, we can keep taking it out and switching it off.

Speaker 12 We'd own it almost.

Speaker 10 And then we can listen. You must already have it.

Speaker 12 I have it downloaded, but I really love to have a physical disc.

Speaker 10 Why do you need a job, by the way?

Speaker 12 Just for something to do.

Speaker 10 Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, you've been now alive for so long and you're not going to be dead.
Right.

Speaker 10 Like, can you die again, or do you...

Speaker 12 Yeah, I think I can die again, but come alive if I want.

Speaker 10 Right.

Speaker 10 When you... Let me get into some details about this.

Speaker 10 If you were to get, like, smashed by a truck,

Speaker 10 would you come alive and you would be all mangled?

Speaker 12 Well, no, because, you know, I don't have that hole in my body anymore where the bullet went through.

Speaker 10 So you're just, you're healed when you come alive.

Speaker 12 You're healed up, right?

Speaker 10 Yeah. Sure.

Speaker 12 But if, you know, you get flattened like a pancake, it takes a little longer.

Speaker 10 To inflate. Right.

Speaker 10 What? How does one get flattened like a pancake?

Speaker 12 You know, if you're walking down a street or if you're over at

Speaker 12 the Free Willie movie.

Speaker 10 And an orca falls on you? That's right.

Speaker 10 You'll fall flat.

Speaker 12 Like a pancake.

Speaker 10 Hey, you know, waffles are flat too.

Speaker 11 No, they're not.

Speaker 13 I think you're thinking of crepes.

Speaker 10 Maybe I am thinking of crepe. What is a waffle?

Speaker 12 You put milk in a spoon, right?

Speaker 11 Milk in a spoon?

Speaker 10 Have you ever eaten anything before?

Speaker 12 Though,

Speaker 12 here's a fun fact about me. I've never had breakfast.

Speaker 10 Is it because how late you get up?

Speaker 12 I'm always so sleepy in the morning.

Speaker 12 Unless I have my coffee, I'm a monster.

Speaker 12 Give me a cup of coffee and I'm out the door.

Speaker 12 I do everything at the last minute in the morning.

Speaker 10 I gotta learn. Did you write that song, though, woke up, got out of bed? That's right.

Speaker 12 Yeah. Yes, put a comb upon my head.

Speaker 10 On my way downstairs and had a cup. That's about what.
Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 12 Right, right. I can't do breakfast.
I'm already running late.

Speaker 10 But wow, wow, waffle.

Speaker 13 Notice there's no mention of eggs in the song. Right.

Speaker 12 But

Speaker 10 we had a song about an egg man. Scrambled eggs.
Oh, and the eggman. Right.
Yeah, that's right. Now, but Paul, did Paul write both of those, or did you write the egg man?

Speaker 12 Who ended up writing those? I think it may have been George Martin actually said. He was actually at the typewriter.

Speaker 10 But we were all sort of circling around him.

Speaker 12 We would write our songs together, all of us, one word at a time.

Speaker 10 George R.R. Martin?

Speaker 10 No, George Martin?

Speaker 10 Ho-ho, is confused. She's thinking of.

Speaker 12 Oh, I thought I said something wrong. Yeah, George Martin, our fifth Beatle.

Speaker 10 She thinks George R.R. Martin, the Game of Thrones author, is who you're talking about.

Speaker 12 Wouldn't that be something?

Speaker 12 Got up, said hi to Jon Snow.

Speaker 10 Got a

Speaker 12 cup of wine from Tedarius.

Speaker 10 Keep going.

Speaker 12 Well, I don't want to give any spoilers, but

Speaker 10 I know what's talking about Hodor.

Speaker 12 Scott, that's what I didn't want to say.

Speaker 12 For those of you who haven't seen the latest Game of Thrones,

Speaker 12 Hodor's fine. Hodor's fine.

Speaker 11 Do you know what happens in the Everybody Loves Raymond finale?

Speaker 11 I haven't caught up yet.

Speaker 12 Yeah, those two twins they have, they end up going off to college at a young age.

Speaker 10 No!

Speaker 10 They were like eight at the time.

Speaker 12 Right, but they were geniuses. And the last season, they got really smart.

Speaker 10 That was the whole last season was just about them like, you know, doing math problems.

Speaker 12 I don't think Peter Boyle or Ray Romano show up at all in the last season.

Speaker 12 Well maybe I'm thinking of the sweet life with Zach and Cody.

Speaker 12 That's what you're thinking.

Speaker 12 I get those confused. Yeah.

Speaker 10 So now Dan here is a musician. Oh yes.
And you're a musician.

Speaker 10 You know, do you, what a musician?

Speaker 12 Oh, we'll duet on something.

Speaker 10 Oh, great. All right.

Speaker 10 Do you know any Beatles songs, Dan? I do.

Speaker 10 Which ones do you know?

Speaker 10 I will.

Speaker 10 I will. That's a beautiful song.
Yesterday? Yesterday.

Speaker 13 I've just seen a face.

Speaker 10 Oh, that's a good voice.

Speaker 13 Actually, when I was eight, I learned the entirety of Abbey Road on the piano.

Speaker 10 Wow, really?

Speaker 13 That was like my thing, and I got so excited that I could play it all, and I made my parents totally fucking insane playing it over and over.

Speaker 10 The whole album. What was it like growing up without friends?

Speaker 10 It's hard.

Speaker 10 The TV show? Yeah.

Speaker 10 Because you don't get that up here in Canada, right?

Speaker 10 Could I? It would be. Could it be any more annoying?

Speaker 10 But could you play a little bit of a Beatles song here for us? Do you do? Like, I hate to bring it up, and you know, I know this is a surprise for you, but this is exciting for me.

Speaker 10 I mean, it must be exciting for you, John, to hear someone else sing one of your songs. Well, yes, it'll be interesting to hear.

Speaker 12 And it'll be, and I'll be watching every movement you make to make sure you don't mess anything up.

Speaker 10 It's hard for you not to join in, isn't it?

Speaker 12 I know, it's such a great song.

Speaker 12 Dan, I'll try not to join in, but I don't know how.

Speaker 10 Please do, please do. All right.

Speaker 10 Who knows how long I've loved you?

Speaker 12 Sorry, I told you it's hard to do, but you please.

Speaker 10 You know I love you still.

Speaker 10 Will I wait a lonely lifetime?

Speaker 10 If you want me to, I will.

Speaker 12 I always went low on that.

Speaker 12 You can't hear it on the album.

Speaker 10 They turned you down.

Speaker 10 Because it sounded horrible.

Speaker 12 They knew what they were doing, those other three.

Speaker 12 I threw it all on the wall, and whatever stuck.

Speaker 12 We kept. Go ahead, Dan.

Speaker 10 Are we here?

Speaker 13 Second verse.

Speaker 12 Same as the first.

Speaker 10 No, it's different. Yeah, it's

Speaker 13 slightly different.

Speaker 10 And if I ever saw you,

Speaker 10 I didn't catch your name.

Speaker 10 But it doesn't really

Speaker 10 matter.

Speaker 10 We'll always feel

Speaker 10 the same.

Speaker 10 Love you forever and forever.

Speaker 10 Love you with all my

Speaker 10 heart.

Speaker 10 Love you whenever

Speaker 10 we're together.

Speaker 10 Love you when we're apart. Love you when we're apart.

Speaker 10 Did you always talk it?

Speaker 13 John Lennon invented rap.

Speaker 12 Oh, I wish I'd be a multi-millionaire.

Speaker 10 You are!

Speaker 12 It's not very polite to talk finances.

Speaker 10 Julian could have gone to college.

Speaker 10 All right, close it up strong, Dan. Here we go.

Speaker 10 And if at last I find you,

Speaker 10 your song will fill the air.

Speaker 10 Sing it loud so I can hear you.

Speaker 10 Make it easy to be near.

Speaker 13 This was meant for a tenor.

Speaker 10 For the things you do endear me to, you oh, you know. Are you ready?

Speaker 10 I will.

Speaker 10 Oh, that was very good. Dan Mangan and John Larry.

Speaker 16 That's fine.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 12 Okay, this should be a quick note session, but that was good.

Speaker 13 Lifelong dream, man.

Speaker 10 Yeah, did you ever think?

Speaker 10 My God. I thought you'd be better, John.
Well, never meet your idols. Yeah, really.

Speaker 12 I know. I met Michael Jordan once.

Speaker 10 He dunked on me. I have to ask.

Speaker 10 Tell us this story.

Speaker 12 I was in Chicago seeing, I was trying to go to the top of that building, the tallest one they have,

Speaker 12 to

Speaker 12 just see what it was like up that high.

Speaker 12 And a friend of mine was also in town there, and he said, hey, I got an idea. You know, we might be able to get into seeing the team if we tell them we're from the Beatles.

Speaker 10 I said,

Speaker 10 what friend is telling you that?

Speaker 10 One of the Beatles I was with, who I'm usually with all the the time who plays Ringo right who wrote Ringo right

Speaker 12 and I said they'll never care about us you know we're not even a band anymore he said no people still like the band trust me I said fine I put you know shoved my hands in my pockets put my coat collar up this is not gonna work I said

Speaker 12 that's what you do when you're disappointed yeah you know I kick the ground kick a rock if I see it they'll put on a sour face the whole way they this is stupid I could have been on the Zeers tower you know

Speaker 12 And they said, we got to the door. They saw us before we even got there.
They said, come in and meet the whole team.

Speaker 10 I said, I can't believe it.

Speaker 12 I don't have anything for them to sign. So, you know, I had them sign my pants.
And

Speaker 12 the coat, I didn't want another coat, it was so nice. And well,

Speaker 12 and I went in, they were practicing, and I said, You know, I look,

Speaker 12 you know, almost a mile high at some of these guys. They're all so tall.
And I said, Mr. Jordan, you know, you're the best I've ever seen.

Speaker 12 can I play you one-on-one

Speaker 12 he said fine but it's got to be a full game and I said what wait all four quarters

Speaker 12 so you know something like 15-minute quarters

Speaker 12 and I'm not in any type of shape at that at that time that's why you know I'm jogging now but so

Speaker 12 just today today but it's it's gonna I'm gonna continue I know it this one's gonna stick

Speaker 12 and he's I'm playing him We got a ref out there. Scotty Pippin is cheering for me just as a joke, you know.

Speaker 12 And it's tied, you know.

Speaker 10 It's tied at 0-0 at the start of the game. The beginning of the game.
Right.

Speaker 12 And it took maybe four seconds for him to dunk right on my head. My glasses shot.

Speaker 10 He dunked the ball through the hoop, hit my head, bonk, and my legs shoot out to the side.

Speaker 12 Shoot out to the side, and I sort of do a split.

Speaker 12 And my glasses are gone. They're gone for the rest of the game.
And God, he must have beaten me 500 to, I don't think I had any points.

Speaker 12 It was like a practice for him. But I didn't have my glasses, so

Speaker 12 I'd always wanted to get back to play them. But I haven't been to Chicago since.
And I've never been on top of that Sears Tower.

Speaker 10 What a story! Wow, John Lennon!

Speaker 12 It's one I never tell.

Speaker 10 Oh boy,

Speaker 10 well, you know, I mean, it's it. We have to get to our next guest, but it's

Speaker 10 going on.

Speaker 10 Oh, no!

Speaker 10 Oh, man! Uh-oh.

Speaker 10 Ho-ho! Hello!

Speaker 10 What are you doing here?

Speaker 11 I don't know, daddy.

Speaker 10 Don't don't. God damn it, ho-ho.
Don't call me that.

Speaker 10 Santa Claus. Santa Claus, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah, hi.

Speaker 10 Save you, save your energy, everybody. Why are you so mad? Why did you leave the North Pole? This is a very busy time.

Speaker 11 I came down to shoot our show.

Speaker 10 Shoot our shoes. What are you talking about?

Speaker 10 What kind of shit has this guy been saying on you?

Speaker 12 Wait, you've been lying about your pilot?

Speaker 11 Of course I have.

Speaker 10 Does this surprise you, dip shit?

Speaker 10 Hey.

Speaker 10 Why turn on me?

Speaker 11 Because you're dumb.

Speaker 10 Why didn't you let me know that Ho-Ho was down here? What am I supposed to text you whenever I see Ho-Ho? Hello. Da-doy.
Why not?

Speaker 10 I don't have your number. I don't have the North Pole.
That's right. You never will.

Speaker 10 Oh, I'm very angry with you. Okay, whatever.
What are you gonna do? Whoa! Are you gonna ground me? Yeah, baby, I will! Oh, no!

Speaker 10 You didn't see that coming! No, I didn't!

Speaker 11 Why did I say that?

Speaker 10 Because you're such an opposite guy. You think, oh, ground me.
Oh, you said grab me. I want to ground me.
Oh, I do want to ground you. Fuck.

Speaker 10 Oh, ho.

Speaker 10 Watch your language.

Speaker 11 Watch this. Fact, fact, fact.

Speaker 10 Whoa!

Speaker 10 Make me so goddamn mad.

Speaker 10 Listen, we got a lot of work to do making toys for the kids.

Speaker 11 You need to fuck your wife.

Speaker 10 Oh,

Speaker 10 ho, ho. Ho ho.
My relationship with my wife is none of your affair.

Speaker 11 She's been needing it.

Speaker 10 You better stop talking. Kids are full of milk.

Speaker 10 What is what are you talking about?

Speaker 11 You need your cookies and milk, baby.

Speaker 10 You're such a weird freak. You don't even understand human anatomy.

Speaker 11 I understand it.

Speaker 11 Candy cane goes in pussy.

Speaker 10 The worst.

Speaker 10 Just the worst.

Speaker 10 Santa, Santa, why is May so busy for you?

Speaker 10 Now, you're asking that question

Speaker 10 like I'm some kind of asshole who doesn't know my own schedule. But guess what I do? Because as a matter of fact,

Speaker 10 tomorrow is Canadian Christmas Eve.

Speaker 10 I shouldn't even fucking be here. I should be the goddamn North Pole hammering a bunch of wooden horses and shit?

Speaker 11 Why do you still make those dumb totals?

Speaker 10 That fits tradition, ho-ho. God damn it.
Oh-ho.

Speaker 10 Why does Canada celebrate Christmas in May? I don't know what they do. They got all their weird holidays all switched around.

Speaker 10 Do you know when their Martin Luther King Jr. Day is?

Speaker 10 December 25th. It's October 31st

Speaker 10 when everyone else is having Halloween.

Speaker 10 Their Halloween's January 3rd.

Speaker 10 it's weird I love you guys I love you you know I love you not an adult so much the kids I love

Speaker 10 you like the kids I love those kids you gotta look out for kids yeah they're innocent yeah

Speaker 10 that's right they are they are

Speaker 11 some of them

Speaker 10 there are some bad kids that's right they're naughty you gotta admit it so they don't get toys yeah they don't get toys

Speaker 10 oh you creep me the fuck out.

Speaker 10 You little weirdo.

Speaker 10 Santa, why did you hire Ho-Ho in the first place?

Speaker 10 We've been over this.

Speaker 10 To remind me. To restore balance in the universe.

Speaker 10 Everyone gets presents on Christmas. Everyone.

Speaker 10 So good little boys and girls, they get toys.

Speaker 10 And bad little boys and girls, they get weapons that Ho-Ho delivers. Well, that.

Speaker 10 Right. It makes sense.
Sure, sure.

Speaker 10 And by the way, Santa, this is Dan Mangan.

Speaker 13 Hi. Longtime fan.

Speaker 10 Yeah, thanks. You get that a lot?

Speaker 10 It happens.

Speaker 10 Do you get recognized?

Speaker 10 Do I fucking get recognized?

Speaker 10 Like, do people see

Speaker 10 a gigantic man in a red

Speaker 10 Santa suit,

Speaker 10 snowy white beard Santa hat

Speaker 10 you're the only one

Speaker 10 say I wonder if that's Santa

Speaker 10 are you one of the only people who has a hat named after your name me and Davy Crockett motherfucker

Speaker 10 get out of here

Speaker 10 that guy drives me crazy Go find the rest of the polyphonic spree

Speaker 10 That was uncalled for. I'm sorry, dude.
Good one, Sam. No, no, you like it.

Speaker 10 If you like it, that means I did the wrong thing.

Speaker 10 Hey, who's that over there? This is John Lennon. Yeah, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be dead.

Speaker 12 Oh, I came back alive.

Speaker 10 Not cool, dude.

Speaker 12 Well, I'm not hurting anyone.

Speaker 10 You're disrupting things. Also,

Speaker 10 I will is a Paul song, motherfucker.

Speaker 12 I know that, but I enjoy it.

Speaker 10 You liked wrecking it is what you like doing well I had a little fun doing it

Speaker 12 you're like this one no no no no

Speaker 10 no no no no no no no no no no Yoko

Speaker 10 hey oh I don't want to talk about her please she's not here is she

Speaker 12 I hope not because I'm not giving that beret back

Speaker 10 Terrible marriage marriage supposed to be built on trust oh yeah that's what you're saying.

Speaker 10 Ho-ho! Ho-ho.

Speaker 10 What are you saying about my marriage to Mr. Clause?

Speaker 11 I've seen where you go at night.

Speaker 10 You mean around the world delivering goddamn toys?

Speaker 11 Yeah, around the world delivering toys.

Speaker 10 Yeah,

Speaker 11 night of the year.

Speaker 10 Where have I been then?

Speaker 11 I saw you went to a gay club.

Speaker 10 Ho-ho. Ho-ho.
What are you talking about? Uh-huh, saw it. What club was this?

Speaker 11 The butthole.

Speaker 12 How do they get away with that?

Speaker 12 Okay, a city would say, you know, we can't have that on our street.

Speaker 11 They spell it B-U-T-W-H-O-L-E.

Speaker 10 Exactly.

Speaker 10 Butthole.

Speaker 12 Is that why Whole Foods only sells donuts?

Speaker 10 What did you just fucking say?

Speaker 10 Is that why Whole Foods only sells donuts?

Speaker 10 What the fuck is going on here? It's like living on the bottom of a Dixie cup.

Speaker 13 That's a real thinker.

Speaker 12 And as a real thinker, because, you know, we were talking about W-H-O-L-E.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I remember.

Speaker 12 I'm thinking, yeah, what if Whole Foods?

Speaker 10 That was two seconds ago, I remember. H-O-L-E.
Yeah, we caught it, dude.

Speaker 12 So what you have got, what else would they sell? Maybe Cheerios.

Speaker 11 Frito's hoops.

Speaker 10 That's right. Thank you, Hoho.
My favorite.

Speaker 10 Hoho loves Fritos hoops. I do.
Can only get them up here. Only in Canada.

Speaker 10 Don't sell them down the stage. I need more.
It's weird. It's the only garbage food you can't get in the United States.

Speaker 10 It's like, why are they withholding? I don't know why they drew the line there.

Speaker 10 In the interest of national health, we can allow hoops into the country.

Speaker 12 Tell that to the NBA.

Speaker 10 What the fuck is going on here?

Speaker 10 What is this laughing?

Speaker 12 I've been doing a lot to word puzzle games recently.

Speaker 12 They're finally paying off.

Speaker 10 Yeah, paying off.

Speaker 10 So, Santa. Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Speaker 10 It's me, Santa.

Speaker 10 You turned jolly there. Well,

Speaker 10 I'm a jolly guy by nature. Yeah, it's just, you know, elves like ho-ho.

Speaker 10 Elf-like ho-ho.

Speaker 10 There are no other elves like ho-ho. Oh, my God, no, are you kidding me? Most of the elves, what are elves? What are they like? Oh, God.

Speaker 10 You tell them. What? We have different.
You tell them. We have different opinions.
We have different opinions.

Speaker 10 You go first. You go first.
And then I'll go after.

Speaker 10 Ho-ho. Ho-ho.

Speaker 10 I said after, but you said second, ho-ho.

Speaker 11 So, who's going first? Fine. I hate all those little cunts.

Speaker 11 They suck my dick.

Speaker 11 They all just want to be good all the time and kiss Santa's big ass.

Speaker 11 That's why he likes them.

Speaker 10 Is there any upward mobility with elves? Like, do they hope to someday get your position? We can fly. What are you kidding me?

Speaker 10 No elf is hoping to replace me. I'm an immortal supernatural creature.

Speaker 11 Yeah, there's no way we can all change roles. We never die.

Speaker 10 What about, like, there should be one day where you just, like, everyone does each other's jobs. That would be so fun, wouldn't it? It'd be fun for me.

Speaker 10 I could, like, hammer a horse and then complain all day. Yeah, right.

Speaker 10 What do you do during the day? Oh, how do you fill your hours?

Speaker 11 I just jerk off in the corner.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Switch places with you. That sounds good.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I saw you do that too.

Speaker 10 Not in the corner.

Speaker 11 You do it in the middle of the room. It's so weird.

Speaker 10 I do now. Ho-ho.
Oh-ho.

Speaker 10 This is not true. Santa's workshop is run exactly how you think it is run.
Where there's a bunch of elves singing songs and shit. They're hammering together the horses and they're making dollies.

Speaker 10 Xbox Ones and.

Speaker 10 All that kind of shit.

Speaker 10 And I walk around, hands behind my back, hmm, coming along very good, Twinkle, you know, like that kind of shit.

Speaker 10 I go home, Mrs. Claus has my dinner ready, gigantic plate of cookies, a gallon of milk.

Speaker 10 We watch a few law and orders, and then we go to bed.

Speaker 12 I thought you only got everybody loves Raymond.

Speaker 11 Oh, yeah, well, I guess his TV gets something else.

Speaker 10 Oh, dude, ho-ho, live!

Speaker 11 No, we only get everybody who loves Raymond in the workshop. Guess what?

Speaker 10 What? It's only you that sees that. Oh, no.

Speaker 10 The rest of the elves, they see whatever they want to see. It's a magic TV.
You hypnotize yourself.

Speaker 10 You hypnotized yourself.

Speaker 11 I hate that show.

Speaker 10 I know. That's why you're making yourself see it because you know you're evil.
Oh,

Speaker 11 oh, oh, that sucks. It does for you.
I watch comedy bang bang.

Speaker 10 Send me the TVs. When's the season premiere?

Speaker 10 It's in like a week.

Speaker 10 Cool. Ah, live.

Speaker 10 Not up here. Not up here.
Oh, I forgot.

Speaker 10 Sorry, guys.

Speaker 11 I'll watch it from my bed. I have a really comfortable bed.

Speaker 10 Oh, really? Where did you get this? Did you get a new bed, ho-ho? You must sleep on like marshmallows or...

Speaker 11 I did for a while, but it hurt my back, so I ordered a new thing.

Speaker 10 Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 11 It came in a box so big I could do cartwheels all over it.

Speaker 10 Well, it must be big to you, ho-ho, but I would imagine it's a smaller box to other people.

Speaker 11 Yeah, it's the size of a mini fridge for Santa.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Mini fridge is small to me.

Speaker 10 I'm big.

Speaker 10 And the fridge is mini.

Speaker 11 And I'm smaller than the fridge.

Speaker 10 That's right, so it's big to you. Exactly.
This is how shit works.

Speaker 10 Is it a comfortable mattress over there?

Speaker 11 Oh, you bet.

Speaker 10 Tell us all about it.

Speaker 11 There's three layers that keep the bed as cool as the other side of the pillow.

Speaker 11 And I didn't have to do that embarrassing thing of going going to the mattress store.

Speaker 10 I hate that. God damn it.
It's the worst.

Speaker 12 It's tough to go.

Speaker 10 Walk in there, try to test out the mattress. People are like, well, how come you never gave me that train set for Christmas? I'm like, hey, dude, I'm off the clock.
Let me buy a mattress.

Speaker 10 Santa, can I ask you a question about.

Speaker 10 Of course.

Speaker 10 Now, you see so much Santa stuff, especially around the holidays. Yeah, tell me about it.
Movies and TV shows. Hey, can I just shut up? Let me tell you something.

Speaker 10 Here's something that drives me crazy. They have some actor portraying Santa buying a fucking car or whatever, or he's like,

Speaker 10 I don't know, he sees Eminem's and he faints or whatever.

Speaker 10 A bunch of horseshit.

Speaker 10 I'm Santa Claus. I'm not going to faint.
If I see some cartoon MMs, goddamn it.

Speaker 10 Also, shut up.

Speaker 10 That commercial really bothers me. Because they're trying to

Speaker 10 equate Santa, legendary supernatural figure, with these fucking marketing devices. And Santa sees him and says, oh, they do exist.

Speaker 10 And he faints, because he can't believe it, that the Eminem's guys are real. Give me a goddamn break.

Speaker 12 Wasn't Santa invented by Coca-Cola? What?

Speaker 10 Oh, no, John.

Speaker 12 What did I say? No, I was just pointing out the fact that you.

Speaker 10 You ever heard of St. Nicholas, motherfucker?

Speaker 10 Yes. Yeah, you have.

Speaker 12 Yeah, no, I'm just going to put my hands in my pocket and flip my coat collar.

Speaker 10 Yeah, kick some rocks while you're at it.

Speaker 12 Kick the rocks here on the stage. I'm an idiot.
I shouldn't have a.

Speaker 10 Is there anyone like that that you would be impressed? Like Toucan Sam or Count Chocola or something like that?

Speaker 10 They're on my bucket list, sure. I'd love to meet those guys.

Speaker 10 Ronald McDonald oh if only

Speaker 10 kids love him

Speaker 10 Kids love Ronald McDonald

Speaker 11 The way he looks is nice and his hair is nice too He looks nice. He has a nice woman's hairstyle

Speaker 10 Like a lady your mom works

Speaker 10 He looks like Carol from my mom's work

Speaker 11 after a night of crying and her makeup runs

Speaker 11 And she's wearing that weird yellow jumpsuit

Speaker 10 Why does Ronald McDonald have that hair? It's weird. It's like so cooped.
I fucking hate him

Speaker 11 But I love fries fries are great.

Speaker 10 Uh-huh. Remember when I said I'd introduce you to the hamburgler? Yeah.

Speaker 10 But

Speaker 10 you were very naughty. I know.

Speaker 11 I didn't get to go. I was supposed to have have my birthday party at McDonald's.

Speaker 10 And you were gonna meet the hamburger.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I was turning a million in two.

Speaker 10 And the hamburgler is a naughty little boy because he steals hamburgers.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I thought we'd get along real great.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 11 But dad said I couldn't meet him.

Speaker 10 Yeah,

Speaker 10 not your dad.

Speaker 10 I found out the reason Ho-Ho wanted to meet the hamburgler. Oh, was because they revamped his image and made him sexy.
Yeah.

Speaker 11 Give me those tits.

Speaker 10 He didn't have tits.

Speaker 10 I think I see what I want to see all the time I think you do ho-ho-ho

Speaker 10 Santa is there any any film out there the question I was gonna ask is there any film that actually is accurate you know the Santa Claus or you know that Tim Allen movie is really accurate

Speaker 10 Jack Frost is a 10 out of 10 what's that Jack Frost is a 10 out of 10 10 out of 10 would be did they show Santa the wait Jack Frost which Jack Frost the horror movie or the one with Michael Keaton the one with Michael Keaton I have a friend in that one.

Speaker 10 Oh, really?

Speaker 10 What role does he play in the film? I don't remember. Yeah, that's right, you don't.

Speaker 10 Maybe it never happened.

Speaker 12 Is Martin Short in that one?

Speaker 10 No. No, he played.
Hold on a second. He did play Jack Frost in one of the Santa Claus scenes.
Santa Claus 3. Oh, right.
All right. Okay, Santa Claus Super fan.

Speaker 13 I was just chasing through my mind wondering if actually there was Santa in that movie or not. And I realized maybe there's no Santa in that movie.

Speaker 10 I don't think Jack Frost had Santa in it.

Speaker 10 Hey,

Speaker 10 assholes, which Jack Frost are we talking about?

Speaker 10 The Michael Keaton. Yeah.

Speaker 13 But there's a really good snowboarding scene.

Speaker 10 Yeah, probably the best snowboarding scene.

Speaker 10 That movie's fucked up. Have you seen it?

Speaker 11 Did they get tasty air?

Speaker 10 Do they think to themselves, what a thrashable sloope?

Speaker 10 Back scratchers, too? They might.

Speaker 12 they might if the microphones fucking worked around here.

Speaker 10 Skiing fucking rules.

Speaker 10 Talking about snow.

Speaker 10 That sounds good to me. That sounds good to me.
That sounds good to me.

Speaker 12 Well, we are them boys.

Speaker 10 I don't care. I love it.
I love it.

Speaker 10 Great string of men jokes, guys.

Speaker 10 Jokes. I'm proud of us.

Speaker 10 The band is fun.

Speaker 11 That sounds good to me.

Speaker 10 Oh, the audience, yes.

Speaker 10 Hello. What are you talking about? The most accurate Christmas movie depicting Santa Claus is, of course, reindeer games with Ben Affleck.

Speaker 10 Reindeer Games? That was about a heist or something taking place during Christmas? Yeah, something like that.

Speaker 10 But Ben Affleck plays a guy named Rudy. Wink, wink.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Like the football player.

Speaker 10 You are one exasperating motherfucker, let me tell you.

Speaker 10 Like Rudolph. It's a thinly veiled story of Rudolph and his rise to power

Speaker 10 within the reindeer hierarchy.

Speaker 10 Really? Is Rudolph like a Hitler of reindeer or something?

Speaker 11 Tell the truth.

Speaker 10 Tell the truth. Hold on.
Okay, all right.

Speaker 10 Reindeer Games is not about a Hitler-like figure's rise to power.

Speaker 10 It's about how a badass motherfucker had to get shit done.

Speaker 10 And that's what happened with Rudolph.

Speaker 10 Really? Rudolph is sort of your rock. He gets things done for you? He, yeah, my rock.
The rock. Like Dwayne, the Rock Johnson gets stuff done for HBO with ballers every Sunday night.

Speaker 10 I wish it were every Sunday night.

Speaker 10 It's not year-round.

Speaker 10 I guess I just see what I want to see on TV. I wish it were 52 episodes a year.

Speaker 10 We get more TV episodes in the North Pole than you do here. Really? Yes.

Speaker 10 Shows never end in the North Pole.

Speaker 10 So, like, Bonanza has still been going? Yep. Bonanza.
Cheers.

Speaker 10 Friends? Emily's reasons why not.

Speaker 11 Deep cut. Yep.

Speaker 10 Maybe too deep, some would say.

Speaker 10 Morley Sefer on 60 Minutes?

Speaker 10 No, he died. This is...

Speaker 10 I don't know the rules. Come on.
You're talking fantasy rules. It's a news show.
It's a news show.

Speaker 10 You think it's too soon?

Speaker 11 Yeah, that offended me.

Speaker 10 Oh, it was a big Morley Sefer show. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 10 I love that bitch. Poe loved Morley Zafer.
You love that fat bitch.

Speaker 11 You said that, not me.

Speaker 10 Oh, my gosh. Well, Santa, it's so good to see you.
I'm sorry that we're.

Speaker 10 You know, I'm sorry we've been taking Ho-Ho away. Ho-ho.
But it's always great to see you. I haven't seen you in so long.
It's been a while, hasn't it? It's been a while.

Speaker 10 You've been bid a while by the best.

Speaker 10 Listen. Gotcha, motherfucker.

Speaker 10 Yeah, okay. Jesus.

Speaker 10 Listen.

Speaker 10 You got to promise me, next time this creep gets out, you got to let me know. Oh, it's very dangerous.
Dangerous, really?

Speaker 10 He's kind of cute.

Speaker 11 I'm not dangerous.

Speaker 10 Oh, oh. Ho-oh.
You know you are. Stab!

Speaker 10 He stabbed me?

Speaker 10 Oh, he stabbed your phone out! Yeah, I guess I didn't hit you.

Speaker 11 I stabbed you with a sharp, sharp object.

Speaker 10 Guess what it was? Was it your penis? Yeah.

Speaker 11 Detachable penis. I love that song.

Speaker 10 What's your favorite song? Detachable penis. What's your favorite song, Santa?

Speaker 10 Probably

Speaker 10 Santa Claus is coming to town.

Speaker 11 Narcissist.

Speaker 10 It's very informational. It helps keep me on track.

Speaker 10 But remember what it's all about.

Speaker 16 Watching people when they sleep.

Speaker 10 Watching them when they're awake.

Speaker 10 Knowing who is good and who is evil and being the judge of all.

Speaker 10 All right, Santa. Well, it's great to have you.
Can you stick around? We have another guest. I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 10 All right, well, let's get to our next guest. He is a bus boy at a restaurant.

Speaker 10 I've spoken to him. What kind of fucking show is this? I don't know.

Speaker 10 I spoke to him once before. Please welcome Randy Snuts.

Speaker 10 Randy Snuts.

Speaker 10 First of all, I just want to say that I was in the wings and I heard a lot of scandalous language and I think that's friggin awesome

Speaker 10 Good to see you again Randy. Yeah, great to see you.
That's some kick-ass shit. I was just hanging out back there.
I was walking around town trying to find a jackass and I ended up in buttholes.

Speaker 10 Not what I was expecting. What were you expecting and what was it? I wanted a burger and to watch some sports, you know, watch the big game on TV and instead, I just...

Speaker 10 Man, my ass got more attention than the time I tricked my girlfriend into giving me a butt massage.

Speaker 10 How'd you trick her? Huh?

Speaker 11 How'd you trick her?

Speaker 10 I just told her to touch my butt.

Speaker 11 She must be dumb as hell.

Speaker 10 Yeah, man, she was scandalous, too.

Speaker 10 She was scandalous? Yeah, she was scandalous. She always brought the drama, if you know what I'm saying, Scott.

Speaker 10 It was always one thing or another. I'd be throwing a party at my apartment, and like, she'd be like, what did Kristen talk to you about while you guys were over at the fridge?

Speaker 10 And I'd be like, Jesus Christ, here we go again,

Speaker 10 you know what I'm saying? High drama, you know. She'd be like, What was your mom calling you about? And I was like, God damn it, some family stuff.
And she'd be like, I want to know about it.

Speaker 10 And I'd be like, This is getting too deep. And she'd be like, How deep can it get? And I was like, Not with the rhetorical questions, bitch.
And she'd be like, I'm out of here.

Speaker 10 Is that when you tricked her into touching your butt?

Speaker 10 It's an honor to meet you, sir.

Speaker 10 Thank you, Randy. You're very nice.

Speaker 10 I've always wanted to know if you were fucking immortal or not. I am.
Hell yeah.

Speaker 10 That kicks ass, dude. My ex-girlfriend once told me that her dad was a mortal, but I knew it was a lie.
Who's her dad? Some fucking guy.

Speaker 12 Randy, is he put out with everything asked about you?

Speaker 10 It's probably best that you're not with your ex-girlfriend any longer. Yeah, man.
She was always bringing high drama, scandal.

Speaker 10 You know, it's not nice to call a woman a piece of shit, but she definitely was.

Speaker 10 Did you call her that to her face? Hell no. I didn't want to have my foot chopped off.

Speaker 10 What? Why would you get your foot? I don't know. When I'm sleeping, it's the easiest thing to grab and cut.

Speaker 10 Do you have short sheets on the bed? Hey, wait.

Speaker 11 Sheets are going to keep her hell?

Speaker 10 Hold on, hold on.

Speaker 10 It's hard to cut off a foot.

Speaker 10 Doesn't matter the length of the sheets.

Speaker 10 Not when you're as drunk as I am.

Speaker 10 Dude, I could sleep through a championship game and a fucking subsequent riot.

Speaker 10 Randy.

Speaker 10 Hey, Scott, what's going on? So, first of all, some context. I'm a bus boy at Scott's favorite restaurant, Dodomios.
Didomeos.

Speaker 10 I haven't seen you in in a while, man. Well, I've been on tour here.
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.
This is the last night of the tour. It's a little over three weeks.
You know we deliver, right?

Speaker 10 I don't think you deliver out of the city limits. Dude, I would do that for you.
Is that why you're here? Yeah, man.

Speaker 10 I got a side of rice and some steamed vegetables.

Speaker 10 That's all you brought.

Speaker 10 Dude, I knew it would travel well.

Speaker 10 Did you eat the rest on the way here? Be honest. Yeah, dude, I've been busted.

Speaker 11 What kind of food do you guys serve?

Speaker 10 Um, it's a bring-your-own meat establishment.

Speaker 10 So, you bring in your meat, and you tell us, no, we tell you how we're gonna cook it.

Speaker 10 You don't even get to choose how it's cooked, no, dude. $300 a plate,

Speaker 10 and it's hit or miss.

Speaker 10 And, Scott,

Speaker 10 Scott, this is your favorite restaurant. I lied.

Speaker 11 I don't care. What kind of meat do you bring?

Speaker 10 Damn it. I've been on Kona Pops.
By the best of them.

Speaker 11 What kind of meat do you bring?

Speaker 10 I get like blood sausage.

Speaker 10 Ew.

Speaker 10 Wait, you don't like that?

Speaker 11 I just pictured him poking it and blood squirting out.

Speaker 10 And you don't like that?

Speaker 11 I'm opposite.

Speaker 10 And checks out.

Speaker 10 Randy, this is John Lennon, by the way. Hello.
Wow. Holy fucking shit.

Speaker 12 Thank you. Do you do chicken wings?

Speaker 10 Yeah, as long as you bring them yourself.

Speaker 12 I could do it.

Speaker 10 Yeah? Sure. Yeah, of course, man.
I'll give them to the chef and he'll whip something up. Yeah, chicken wings.

Speaker 12 I'd want them sort of served, you know, deep-fried with some hot sauce on them.

Speaker 10 Dude, we don't take requests.

Speaker 12 That's the problem I'm running into.

Speaker 10 He doesn't care if you're from the European band, the Beatles.

Speaker 12 Well, what if I sang one of my songs here with Dan for him?

Speaker 10 I mean, we could pretend the chef is here and you could do that.

Speaker 12 I don't want to.

Speaker 10 Anyway, things are going good at work. Oh, yeah.
Man, you know, remember when Kobe got in trouble in Colorado and he was like, at least I got basketball?

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Well, my situation is nothing like that.

Speaker 12 At least you have

Speaker 10 that woman?

Speaker 12 I don't exactly remember what happened with him. I'm more of a Michael Jordan fan.

Speaker 10 Going through Kobe's Colorado case, it's not really appropriate for a, I don't know, 1,500-plus seat venue.

Speaker 10 That's what I thought. It's fascinating, but, you know, it's nothing you can't find out at smokinggun.com.
Anyway,

Speaker 10 what I was trying to say is, like, I enjoy working and it helps me get away from the scandal that is my life.

Speaker 10 You have a scandalous life. Yeah, man, all the time.
Ladies are always coming at me saying, what's up?

Speaker 10 And that's high drama for you. Hell yeah.

Speaker 10 Because here's the thing: I'm quick to commit. You are, really? Oh, yeah.
At what point do you say, I love you? Man, before the end of the first date.

Speaker 10 See, here's my deal. I'll do anything to get pussy.

Speaker 10 So, three little words will do it. Man, I'll say it before the appetizers come.

Speaker 10 What's your success rate with that scheme?

Speaker 10 I actually have a spreadsheet at home on Google Docs, and it's 78% right now.

Speaker 10 It's pretty high.

Speaker 10 With women you said I love you two, or with just dates in general?

Speaker 10 I mean, just dates in general. Wow.
Yeah. That's incredible.
Then the problem is that, like, since I'm always in that mode, then I'll have a girlfriend like that, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 10 And then, like, girls start talking to me, or I start talking to some girls, and then my girlfriend gets upset. And then it's just non-stop drama.
And then, you know,

Speaker 10 shit goes down. Yeah.
Well, maybe, you know, maybe you should just try to juggle women, you know, date around, you know,

Speaker 10 not be exclusive. You can do that? Yeah.

Speaker 10 You can,

Speaker 10 you know, I mean, I wouldn't know that much about it

Speaker 16 these days,

Speaker 11 but not that much.

Speaker 10 But you can, yeah, you can, you know, sort of play the field, as they say. Well, I wouldn't really know how to go about doing that.

Speaker 10 Like, would I just tell a girl, like, hey, like, I just want to have sex?

Speaker 10 Yeah, I mean, some girls would appreciate that, you know. I mean, Dan?

Speaker 10 I'd appreciate that.

Speaker 10 All right, but I'm not trying to fuck Dan.

Speaker 13 This is the problem I have everywhere I go.

Speaker 10 I mean, well, I'm not going to say no. I mean, maybe I'd fuck Dan.
I don't know.

Speaker 10 No, I'm not saying that you and Dan are going to have sex. I'm saying that sometimes, like ladies out there, who would appreciate just a nice, honest, hey, I want to have sex with you.

Speaker 10 Oh,

Speaker 11 they thought you were asking.

Speaker 10 You got ho-hoed.

Speaker 10 I mean, I'm in Canada. Like, maybe Dan and I hook up tonight.
I don't know. No, it's not.
Anything goes up here, man. Anything goes?

Speaker 10 Yeah, dude. All right.

Speaker 10 Have you had experiences like that down in the States, ever? Like, with guys? Yeah. Yeah, I'm as bi as the day is long.

Speaker 10 Then why are you saying you'll try it?

Speaker 10 Because it's Canada. Oh, I've never been with a Canadian guy.
Oh, okay. The Canada part was what was throwing you.
Dude, I'm a firm believer in aliens.

Speaker 10 Maybe Canadian people are like configured differently. I don't know.

Speaker 10 But, dude, like, for me, it's all about love. Like, I don't see gender, you know, or genitalia.
You don't see genitalia? You're dating the wrong people.

Speaker 12 Yeah, that's what she would have said

Speaker 12 should that

Speaker 12 information been brought to her

Speaker 12 and also the thing that was said would also have to be slightly different

Speaker 12 to make it more a euphemism

Speaker 12 euphemistic

Speaker 12 but you know we're just talking so

Speaker 10 uh

Speaker 12 I've seen all the offices and maybe you've seen some of them too.

Speaker 12 But you know, there's an easier way of saying that.

Speaker 12 But you know what I'm getting at.

Speaker 12 Just keeping it light

Speaker 12 and a little nasty.

Speaker 10 I'm going to turn this way now. Sure.

Speaker 12 I'm surprised you hadn't yet.

Speaker 10 So, Randy, what do you hope to do while you're up here in Canada? I mean, you're here to deliver me food,

Speaker 10 but now you're on a stage with Santa and Elf and John Lennon and Dan Mangan, and well, me.

Speaker 10 I mean, don't get me wrong, like this kicks ass, so I'll probably bask in the glow of this for the rest of the night.

Speaker 10 I'll probably tell Santa what I want for Christmas.

Speaker 10 What do you want for Christmas? He's right here. You might as well tell me.

Speaker 10 Dude, I wouldn't mind all of the offspring CDs.

Speaker 12 You know, a lot of libraries have those that you you can take for free if you have a card.

Speaker 12 So you might not want to waste a gift on that because you can get it for free, but whatever you want to do.

Speaker 10 Dan, do you know any offspring songs?

Speaker 13 Not since I was 16.

Speaker 10 Did you learn something? Oh, I knew them, yeah.

Speaker 13 They're gone, though.

Speaker 10 Which ones did you learn? Oh, I'm gone. Why don't you get a job?

Speaker 10 Yeah,

Speaker 12 come out and play.

Speaker 11 You gotta keep them separated.

Speaker 10 I

Speaker 11 If you're under 18, you won't be doing anything.

Speaker 10 That's a great hook on that song.

Speaker 10 Right? Remember?

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 11 That shit's good.

Speaker 10 All right, well, I guess I gotta tell some elves to make a bunch of fucking offspring CDs

Speaker 10 That'd be great dude. I work out to that stuff Good for you already have it.
Yeah, but I want it from Santa's I want it from Santa's bag. I'll leave out some milk and cookies.
Thank you. Yeah

Speaker 10 Hey

Speaker 10 It'd be fun to leave out like just a hot savory dish for Santa sometime.

Speaker 10 Like a casserole? Yeah, like a casserole and like a I don't know lukewarm glass of cranberry juice.

Speaker 10 What?

Speaker 10 Hey.

Speaker 10 Santa's not trying to hear that shit.

Speaker 10 I don't want...

Speaker 10 Don't get any ideas, anyone. I don't want some weird casserole as your grandma's recipe or whatever.

Speaker 10 I need the sugar for energy.

Speaker 10 What do you need the milk for? To wash down the goddamn cookies.

Speaker 10 I'm supposed to eat a million dry cookies.

Speaker 10 Use your head, Ackerman.

Speaker 10 What about like seven up or something? Woo!

Speaker 10 A cookie and a seven up. Come on, throw up.
He's gonna be burping.

Speaker 10 That's four years old. Come on.

Speaker 10 I don't know. A lukewarm glass of cranberry juice really keeps your piss stream clear.

Speaker 10 That's a mortal problem, dude.

Speaker 10 That's not an issue for me. Oh, yeah.
I forgot sin is a mortal. Yeah.
That's got to come in handy when other people are dying.

Speaker 10 You know, you learn to live with it because at first, people that you love, they pass away, and then that gets to be so painful after a while you don't let yourself get close to anyone.

Speaker 10 Who did you love, Santa? Who was the original?

Speaker 10 Many friends over the years. Yeah.
Other saints.

Speaker 10 Like Saint Augustine. I love that dude.
He used to party, then he got all cleaned up. It's like, good for you.
You had your fun.

Speaker 10 So do you just try to meet other immortals? Is that why you married Mrs. Claus? Yeah, I made her immortal.
Oh, you did? You can bestow immortality upon people? If I want to.

Speaker 10 I'd like to be immortal. You're not going to like the method.

Speaker 10 Wait.

Speaker 12 Is it a hot handshake?

Speaker 10 You're closer.

Speaker 10 Really, anyone you have

Speaker 10 Congress with?

Speaker 10 Congress. Look at this guy.

Speaker 11 Hello, would you like to have Congress with me?

Speaker 10 I'm being up front.

Speaker 10 Will that work on girls?

Speaker 10 Anyone you have sex with? Is there a special method you have to use?

Speaker 10 Yeah, it's called insertion of the penis.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Look what you're doing to me.

Speaker 10 Dragging me down in the mud with you. So, is Mrs.
Claus the only woman that you've ever been with? Uh-oh.

Speaker 10 Uh-oh. Uh-huh.
Surprised you haven't blabbed her all over the place.

Speaker 11 No, I just told lies for the first 20 minutes.

Speaker 10 I have been with other women. There was a lady before Mrs.
Claus. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 10 Tell us about her.

Speaker 10 Is she still with us?

Speaker 10 No, she's long, long dead. Really? In the ground.

Speaker 10 Skeleton by now.

Speaker 10 What was her name? Mary Todd Lincoln.

Speaker 10 We didn't even have sex. We just made out and it drove her insane.

Speaker 10 So very sorry, Sienna. Thanks.

Speaker 10 What is Mrs. Claus's name? Does she have a first name? It's none of your goddamn business.
Of course she has a first name.

Speaker 10 But that's private. That's only for me and her to know.

Speaker 11 Yeah, she's not allowed to talk to anyone.

Speaker 10 She's not allowed to talk to people at the North Pole?

Speaker 10 I've advised Mrs. Claus, my wife, that it's a bad idea to talk to the elves.

Speaker 10 What?

Speaker 11 Yeah, but he didn't say we can't fuck her.

Speaker 10 Oh.

Speaker 10 It's very rude. I know.
No, I didn't say that. I'm not the kind of guy.
Quoted by Jake LaMana. I'm going to go around.
Hey, this is my wife. Don't fuck her.

Speaker 10 I take it for granted. I want that pill.
I want that pill.

Speaker 10 That's what he wanted for Christmas. He wanted that pill.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 10 Well, you know what? Wow. Wow.
Very good. Dude,

Speaker 10 I got one word for Santa and Mrs. Claus's situation.
Yeah. Scandalous.

Speaker 12 I bet.

Speaker 10 Hey, Dan, do you have another song you?

Speaker 13 guys want to get bummed out again or what?

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Let's hear another song, Dan.

Speaker 13 Another new song?

Speaker 10 Whoa.

Speaker 10 This is unprecedented.

Speaker 10 Live leak.

Speaker 10 John, are you going to sing along to this one?

Speaker 12 I think I'll make up some lyrics.

Speaker 12 No, Dan, I would never do that.

Speaker 10 How could I have known

Speaker 10 the hollowness of bones

Speaker 10 Until I was shown

Speaker 10 The way

Speaker 10 of being alone

Speaker 10 The edge of all that is

Speaker 10 pierces slowly in

Speaker 10 opens up the skin

Speaker 10 Takes as well as gives

Speaker 10 But you could be the whistleblower

Speaker 10 you could really sound it out.

Speaker 10 The end of all the willful blindness,

Speaker 16 mayor of the town.

Speaker 10 And this is how the deal came

Speaker 10 to be.

Speaker 10 This is how the deal came came to be

Speaker 10 So I could really use

Speaker 10 The decency of youth

Speaker 10 I am so fed up with all of you

Speaker 10 Present company excluded

Speaker 10 all this suffice to say

Speaker 10 I'll come back from being awake

Speaker 10 complacent and unawake

Speaker 10 back to my

Speaker 10 senses.

Speaker 10 But you could be the whistleblower,

Speaker 10 you could really sound it out.

Speaker 10 The end of all the willful blindness,

Speaker 10 mayor of the town.

Speaker 10 This is how the deal came

Speaker 10 to be.

Speaker 10 This is how

Speaker 10 the deal came

Speaker 10 to be.

Speaker 10 This is how the deal came

Speaker 10 to be.

Speaker 10 this is how the deal

Speaker 10 came

Speaker 10 to be

Speaker 10 Dan Mangan. Wow,

Speaker 10 that's beautiful.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 13 I started a new podcast called Bummer Bang Bang.

Speaker 10 That's beautiful, though. Thank you.
Do you know any Christmas songs?

Speaker 13 Not on the guitar. What do you know about that? I know Santa Claus is coming to town though.
Right.

Speaker 10 Everyone knows that song. It's the best.

Speaker 10 You had me at Santa Claus is coming.

Speaker 10 I'm trying to think of somebody worse than you, and I'm drawing a blank.

Speaker 10 Hey! Yeah. You remember that time I kicked the shit out of you?

Speaker 10 All right, all right. Who's the first time we met?

Speaker 10 You

Speaker 10 Prison rules taught me a lesson. Yeah, you were talking some shit over FaceTime.
You forgot I was a supernatural being. I fucking came down from the North Pole and I fucking kicked your ass.

Speaker 10 You're so squishy, though. You know, it was like being hit by pillows, the soft pillows.
Yeah, that knocked your fucking teeth out.

Speaker 10 What do we have to expect this Christmas, guys? Is there anything coming up? No.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 That's it? Just know? I mean, what do you mean? What do you mean? Like toys. Like, is there anything interesting coming out? Like, what are the new toys that we can expect for Christmas?

Speaker 10 Everyone wants video games. They want dolls.
They want all the same shit they want every year.

Speaker 10 Like, what do you want to hear? I don't know. Like, sometimes there's like Cabbage Patch Kids, you know, like the hot new trend.
Are you asking me what do kids like?

Speaker 10 Are you just avoiding this question for some reason?

Speaker 10 You know what I'm talking about. You feel like you want me to give you a secret info on some toys that we're responsible.
We have to give the kids what they ask for. So they want Bratz dolls.

Speaker 10 We've got to make them Bratz dolls. But you've been getting these letters all year, right? Yeah.
You get them.

Speaker 10 When do they start? The day after Christmas? Oh my God. The day of.
Yeah. Some kids, here, get a load of this shit.

Speaker 10 Some of these kids, and I love the kids. I love them.

Speaker 10 Some of these kids leave me their list for next year on Christmas Eve. So I'm putting the presents under the goddamn tree.
I'm like, oh, what's this?

Speaker 10 Someone wants to leave a note and says, I love you, Santa. Thanks for the gifts.
Uh-uh.

Speaker 10 It's like next year, here's what I want.

Speaker 10 I want, I want, I want.

Speaker 12 It's like when a teacher puts homework on the board, right, at the beginning of class.

Speaker 12 We already don't want to be there. Don't remind us of the next thing.

Speaker 10 And my pencil is a little bit more like a bad thing. Exactly like that.
Exactly what it's like. Here's what kids are asking for: a lot of kids, for some reason,

Speaker 10 they're asking for some doll called Doll So Real. Dolls.
Dolls So Real. Doll So Real.
Doll So Real.

Speaker 10 I've never heard of this. Doll So Real.
It's a curry dish.

Speaker 10 This guy.

Speaker 10 Mark Russell over here.

Speaker 10 Was Mark Russell a nice little boy or a naughty little boy? Mark Russell was a nice little boy, and that's why he wasn't funny.

Speaker 10 I'm joking. I was a roast for roast sake.

Speaker 10 Who cares? The humor is subjective.

Speaker 10 Good for you, Mark Russell, if you're still alive

Speaker 10 playing that piano with the stars on it.

Speaker 11 And I'm trying to make guns for babies.

Speaker 10 Really?

Speaker 10 They're trying to make guns safer these days, you know, with like, you know, safety locks and fingerprint technology.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I'm trying to stop that.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Ho-ho,

Speaker 10 we've had a big discussion about whether or not there's such a thing as a bad seed. And Ho-Ho says some babies are born evil.
And they should get guns.

Speaker 11 Yeah, you can tell right away.

Speaker 10 But I've been trying to tell them that they can't even hold a goddamn things. But you're trying to figure out a way that a baby can hold a gun and shoot it.
Yeah.

Speaker 10 So, would it be like, you know, it would be like a mitt that you put over a baby? Good idea. Why are you doing this?

Speaker 10 Why are you helping them out?

Speaker 11 That's going to really make it work. Thanks.

Speaker 10 Here's the one thing we got going for us: babies can't support their own heads, so they're able to be for shit.

Speaker 11 Tell them about Doll So Real.

Speaker 10 Doll So Real, I guess it's the most realistic doll. It can walk around and it can talk.
It complains.

Speaker 10 It complains.

Speaker 10 Does it have genitalia?

Speaker 10 What the fuck is wrong with you?

Speaker 11 Man, you're nasty.

Speaker 10 Why are you asking about a child's toy if it has genitalia? You said it was the most realistic one. Well, then read between the lines, you creep.

Speaker 10 Yes, it has genitalia. Is that what you wanted to hear? It has a functioning digestive system.

Speaker 11 It's a kid.

Speaker 10 It's a child.

Speaker 10 I'm not interested.

Speaker 11 I'm just, you know, okay, you're not interested. You're just asking questions about it.

Speaker 10 A lot of weird follow-ups about doll genitalia.

Speaker 10 They ripped that page out of the book in school.

Speaker 10 Did they sell them at Whole Foods?

Speaker 10 What are you doing now?

Speaker 10 His joke.

Speaker 12 That's something that I had said.

Speaker 10 But seriously, like, all joking aside, does it really have a pussy? Oh, come on now. Guys!

Speaker 10 It's a very lifelike doll

Speaker 10 that is, for all intents and purposes, a human being.

Speaker 10 But it lacks a soul. And you can tell when you look into its eyes.

Speaker 10 Every elf that's worked on one of these dolls surreals has gone mad.

Speaker 10 What do you do with the crazy elves?

Speaker 10 We have a place.

Speaker 10 Is it like an insane asylum, like an Arkham asylum up there at the North Pole?

Speaker 10 From Batman?

Speaker 11 It's a living grave. He just digs a hole and covers it to stay alive in there forever.

Speaker 10 Oh!

Speaker 10 Oh, ho.

Speaker 10 There's more to it than that.

Speaker 10 It's an underground facility.

Speaker 11 He puts chips in it.

Speaker 10 They like chips. That's the only difference.
That's so wrong about that.

Speaker 11 That's the only difference.

Speaker 10 They love chips. Elves love chips.

Speaker 11 We do.

Speaker 10 I thought elves just ate candy.

Speaker 11 We just ate candy?

Speaker 10 Not like previously you just ate candy. I mean, you only ate candy.
Although, just ate candy.

Speaker 11 I just ate candy. I birth it.

Speaker 10 What?

Speaker 12 You birth it? She just ate.

Speaker 10 Oh, just ate.

Speaker 10 Yeah, Yeah, rub your eyes.

Speaker 10 Baby needs a nap.

Speaker 10 I don't want to get off the stage. It's going to be over.

Speaker 10 Oh, so sad. So sad.

Speaker 10 You like this tour, don't you?

Speaker 10 Well, I feel like you going around traveling from city to city, giving people, you know, gifts, which they'll all get

Speaker 12 that you have backstage.

Speaker 10 Oh, like an Oprah?

Speaker 10 Right.

Speaker 10 Everyone, check check under your chairs. You all get free gum.

Speaker 11 ABC gum?

Speaker 10 Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 10 Cool.

Speaker 10 Well, guys, do you have any last final words? We got to wrap it up. I mean, we're getting to the...
Yeah, it's terrible. I don't want to leave, but do you have final words for the people out here?

Speaker 10 We have one last thing after this, but do you have any?

Speaker 10 Any words of wisdom?

Speaker 10 Can I start? Sure. All right.
Santa, please.

Speaker 10 Listen up, assholes.

Speaker 10 I'm immortal, but I know that for you, life is short. You gotta be good to each other.
Hold each other tight. Be nice.
Let go of those dumb arguments you have.

Speaker 10 There's nothing that you can't apologize for and make it okay. Jesus Christ, God damn it.

Speaker 10 Just be kind and be good to kids for fuck's sake

Speaker 16 Wise words. That's all I gotta say.

Speaker 10 Wise words.

Speaker 10 Ho-ho, what are you? Ho-ho.

Speaker 11 Well, I just want to say I want to echo Santa's sentiments and say

Speaker 10 Candy King dick!

Speaker 10 All right, all right. Thank you.
Thank you.

Speaker 10 A popular sentiment. Moving over here to Dan.
Dan, anything you want to say to the people?

Speaker 13 Thanks for coming to Vancouver, Vancouver, folks.

Speaker 10 Yeah, oh, of course. Yeah.
Nice to have you. Yeah.

Speaker 10 John, do you?

Speaker 12 Yeah, if you wear glasses to see distances, invest in some rec specs or sports goggles because you never know when you're going to be in a situation where you're playing one of your heroes.

Speaker 12 And my God,

Speaker 12 yeah, I'm not kidding myself. I didn't think I was going to beat him, but I did want to see him.

Speaker 10 Sure, sure.

Speaker 10 Sure, yes, John Lennon. Thank you.

Speaker 10 Randy, what do you have for the people? I mean, I'm just going to come right out and say it. Like, I think people need to be less scandalous to each other.

Speaker 10 And I think when it gets down to it, late at night, and it's you and somebody else, turn out the light and forget what Janet Taylor is. Just go at it.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Well, guys, if there's been one sort of theme song for this tour as we've been going along,

Speaker 10 it's been one song that we've sung in almost every episode, and I wanted to kind of take the time here at the end just to close it out and sing our sort of the anthem of the tour, if that's okay.

Speaker 10 I don't care.

Speaker 10 No, you do too, Ola.

Speaker 10 And that's exactly what I'm talking about. I'm of course talking about Iconopop's iconic pop song.

Speaker 10 It's It's I Love It, I Don't Care. Engineer Ryan, do you have that for us?

Speaker 10 I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone.

Speaker 10 I crashed my car into the bridge, I watched that lady burn.

Speaker 10 I threw your hand in steel bags, and I walked down the day.

Speaker 10 I pressed my car into the bridge.

Speaker 10 I love it. I love it.
I don't care. I got this feeling of coming in when I

Speaker 10 don't care. I crashed my car into the bridge.

Speaker 10 I threw your shit into a bag and pushed it down the stairs. I crashed my car into the bridge.

Speaker 10 I love it. I love it.

Speaker 10 You're on a different road. I'm in the Milky Milky Way.
You want me down on earth, but I am up in space. You're so damn hard to please.

Speaker 10 We gotta kill this witch, you brought the seven teeth, but I'm a 90s bitch. I love it.

Speaker 10 Ladies and gentlemen,

Speaker 10 Dan Mangan,

Speaker 10 Mike Hanford,

Speaker 10 Tim Boltz,

Speaker 10 Lauren Lapkus,

Speaker 10 Mr. Paul F.
Tompkins,

Speaker 10 thank you, Vancouver. We love you.

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Speaker 5 Winter's the perfect time to explore California, and there's no better way to do it than in a brand new Toyota hybrid.

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Bonus Bang: 2016 Tour, Vancouver (Lauren Lapkus, Dan Mangan, Mike Hanford, Paul F. Tompkins, Tim Baltz)

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