2025 Holiday Spectacular! (Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan, Anna Bezahler, Isabella Escalante, Dan Lippert, Lauren Lapkus, Gil Ozeri)

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Go big or go home, but please just go. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.
Wow. Yes.
Thank you to Mark C. Holden.
Inviting the audience to leave immediately.

Your first line to be inviting them to leave is bold. That's right, but it's not my first line.
It's, of course, Mark C. Holden.
Thank you to Mark C. Holden for that catchphrase submission.

Submitted on January 6th. Wait for it, 2023.
Okay.

Okay. Do you think Mark is still a listener? I hope so.
Like, how many people have their

thing read and they don't even know because they have dropped the show?

Recently, we've been going back to some of the ones that were originally submitted when we first set up this system of how to submit catchphrases, which I'm going to be honest, I have no idea what it is.

There's a system for how to submit catchphrases. There's a certain place where people can do it.

Certain places, like what? Like

a dark drop that you go? I think it's much like a voting booth. It's private.
Oh, God. Well, let's be clear.

So, the Russians have completely compromised your

suggestion thing as well? Yes, Jason.

I don't like that evil voice. But thank you to Mark C.
Holden. Hopefully you're still alive, still a listener.
Chances are no.

Yeah, probably. Oh, wow.
Yeah. I think this show has a shelf life of about two years.
So I'd be surprised. Yeah.

You think the show has two years left or people only listen for two years? People only listen for two-year increments and then they drop it.

Do you think, yeah, I think especially for people who listen, who go in, find it, go in hard, listen to to a lot, that burnout's got to be quick.

Speaking of going in hard, let's welcome him to the house. And coming out quick.

And burning out quick. Of course, one of our great friends, he can be seen on Percy Jackson plus the Olympians.
Oh, my God. They plussed those Olympians up.
What are the Olympians in that?

What are they? Are you an Olympian? I guess so. I'm Dionysus.
I'm a Greek god. Oh, okay.
The gods of Olympus is who we're talking about. So you're not competing in the Olympics.
No, no, no.

A lot of Jesse Owens. Although there is a chariot race

in this season, I will say.

I don't part Beyoncé.

Beyonce.

Beyonce?

Anyway,

there is a chariot race, the Ben Hurst style, and it's pretty crazy. What about Ben Him? Okay.
When are we going to bring this back?

It's Ben Hurhim.

But please welcome him to the show. You know him as the co-host of the the How Did This Get Baid podcast.

Jason Manzukas is here. Thank you, Scott.
Happy holidays.

Happy holidays to you. Happy holidays.

Turn the fire up. Turn the fire up.

You have beautiful bellows.

Thank you so much. Beautiful bellows to get that fire roaring.
They call me Mr. Bellows.
Oh, yes. They call you Saul.
From I Dream of Genie.

Wasn't that Mr. Bellows? Was he on there? He was a colonel.

Hey, Shimmy. Hey, guys.
Colonel Bellows.

Hey, happy holidays, Shimmy. He was the big boss.
Oh, that's right. Hey, Shimmy, what have you been up to? What are you doing for the holidays? Where are you heading for the holidays?

I'm whittling a church. Oh, wow.

Like a miniature church.

No, full size. Oh, holy cow.
Why not make it 11 to 10 scale? Why?

I want people to be able to worship. So here I just need to make it slightly bigger.
Without stooping over.

So a functional church. A functional church.
Holy cow. Bless my God.
Oh, God. Wow.

Will you have an amen corner there? Of course we will. Also, dog pound.
And what does these people here are people that like to go out sinning on Saturday and they get absolved on Sunday?

And what denomination will this be? It'll be Unitarian. Oh, okay.
And Rotatarian. Oh, the Rotary? That's right.
And Rostafarian.

And Trustifarian. Okay.
All right. Well, that sounds great.
When do you think you'll complete this? Nobody else. When do you think you'll complete this? Oh, man.

I just started on the spar. Okay.
Okay.

That's a great place to start from the top.

Are you working top down or are you working? Top down, baby. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
And are you at the very beginning? You must be whittling from a large blood. That's a very good place to start.

Sound music. You must be whittling from a very large block of wood, then, or are you doing it piece by piece? It's huge.

Wow.

It takes up a full just corner.

It came from a natural block. Really? Yeah.
From where? From whence? A giant tree? From a big square tree.

One of our majestic redwoods, I would assume, to have it be so big. It is equivalent to that on your earthly plane of existence.
Hang on. Oh, wait a minute.
Jimmy. Jimmy.

He went straight up. Oh, my God.
Jimmy's an alien? Yeah. He went straight up in a way that was alarming.
How cool, though, that he's making a church. He was glowing.

The most important thing about him is this church. Well, I mean, the fact that he's an alien, I mean, he's been our friend for now five years, ever since he played in that band that played.

I don't know if Jimmy remembers his own lore.

Oh, hey, Shimmy, you're back. He's back.
Gotta go.

Okay, well,

this time he blinked out of existence,

but that's not important. What's really important is his church.
Yes, I'm so curious also to, if in fact, uh, Shimmy is an alien, that he is Christian. That is, that in and of itself tells us a lot.

That tells me a lot. Yeah, I'm apostafarian.
Oh, Shimmy is back. Oh, I'm one of them.
That's right. Oh, he just bored straight down into the earth.
I converted from Farm Spaghetti Monster. Oh, wow.

It doesn't matter. We love Shimmy, don't we, folks?

We love him. It's always nice during the holidays to spend time with Shimmy.
Is there a Shimmy? I'd love to listen. Is there a Shimmy compilation?

That would be very fun because it would last probably 20 minutes.

It would be short, but so impactful, I think. That's right.
Shimmy, of course,

the last time we saw him during the holidays was, I believe, our holiday show at the Ace Hotel Theater

a while back. And Batman rudely interrupted him

before we could really get into the details of what he was all about.

And

I like that Shimmy shows up for live shows as well. Yeah.
Not just studio shows. Yeah, and he was doing a full sit-down interview where he didn't have to go.

Well, Jason, it's wonderful to see you. God, what a thrill.
The holidays have been thrust upon us. Have you done your decorating?

Zero decorating, but about to decorate. The tree is going up this week.
Oh, okay. This is the perfect week for it.
Because, of course,

the Christmas is in about nine days or something. Sure.
It's about nine days, so it's just the right time.

I've taken down all of the Christmas, all of the Thanksgiving decorations. Sure, all the accoutrements, all the turkeys, all the cornucopia.
Horns au plenty.

I have so many horns of plenty. I mean, my house is positively horny.

Yeah, I put all the pumpkins away, all the gourds, all of it. I'm bored of the gourd, so now I'm I'm going straight to the tree, baby.
That's right.

And, you know, you don't want it up too early because who wants a tree in their house for like, you know, six weeks? Yeah. Oh, only a lunatic.

Only a lunatic that I happen to be married to has three trees up first week of November. I'm shocked that she let it wait until November.

She had to wait until Halloween was over as to not cause confusion with our daughter. Of course.

Who thinks that dressing up as a Christmas tree for Halloween is normal? Right, exactly.

Well,

are you,

have you bought all your gifts for all of your loved ones? I've bought zero gifts. Once again, I am, I'm a last-minute guy.
I'm a last-minute guy.

I will go to Maine where I will visit my family.

Drain your main vein.

I will drain the main vein, of course,

which is their sewage system, which is terrible. You're going to be there like a week.
You'll probably pee how many times? Oh, I'll pee. 21? Well, I've also stored up a bunch.
Oh, okay.

So I'm bringing it there.

But I will go to the main mall and I will

like in a panic, run around you all for the, like, how often do you interact with mall stores right now? Very infrequently. Yeah.
I will go to a suburban main mall and try and buy gifts for everyone.

And it will go poorly. Yeah.
I did that on Christmas Eve once where I waited till the last minute. I went into a store at 4.45.
Yeah.

And then I suddenly heard something over the PA saying, we're closing in 15 minutes. And it's like, no.

Oh, no. And it's, and you end up with stuff that is like, I'm trying to convince my nieces.
This game seemed cool. I don't know.
I read the back. Right.
Like, I've done no research.

I'm not, this is not, it's bad. I ended up having to do just movie theater gift certificates for everybody.
By the way, great. They're always open.

I love a movie theater.

Can I get that? I think stores should always be open, no matter what store it is. It should always be open.
You know what I mean? I agree, because someone always needs it.

Someone always needs it, so it should just be always open. So what are you there for? You know, the profits of the store's owner? No, thank you.

Yeah, what are you, what are you taking out your abacus and going like, oh, if we're if we open at 9 a.m., only three people come in. If we open at

10 a.m., five people. You know what I mean? Wait.
So doing all again? Doing all of the math as to like the. So is the abacus counting the people or the hour?

It's counting the people and how much they spend, and then saying it's not worth it for us to be open at 9 a.m. because we've only maximized the profits of, you know, we've only made $30.

Okay, $30?

And we've spent $80 on it. $30?

Exactly. Okay.
Okay, so you've, okay, okay.

I mean, I can't, do you, I'm not. I'd love to make $30.
I'm not $30. I'm losing money recording this podcast right now.
Oh, boy, aren't we all?

Aren't we all?

Anytime I record a show, it's like, God. Oh, God.
I see my stock profile just go down. Boom, down.
Yes. Also, you.
201K. You step up.

You're recording every episode at Electric Ladyland Studios, which I'm so confused by. This must be so expensive.
What a great name. Electric Ladyland.
Yeah. That's like three great things.
Yo.

Electricity, ladies, and the land. I don't want to live in the sea.
No. Electric lady sea? No, thank you.
No, thanks. If you could live in the sea, though.
Acoustic lady sea?

Acoustic mancy, I guess. Here's a question for you, Jason.
If you were upon birth, if you understood English or perhaps some heavenly body just kind of like were able to psychically

immediately become

and said, Would you like to be a

man baby with human legs or a merman

for the rest of your life? Who's that voice? I don't know who is that voice.

I'm not saying I believe in some old man. I need some guy with a big white beard.
I need to know if this is a benevolent god or some sort of trickster god. I don't know who's.
A low-key? Yes. Yes.

A low-key low-key.

But what would you choose? Would you choose merman or would you choose human baby? Sorry, it is human baby with mer legs or merman

human legs.

Although that's a good question. I thought you were asking.
He gives you four choices. I get four choices.
Human baby with human legs. But it is a he.
You are willing to gender this voice. Oh, sure.

Okay. Of course, I don't want someone in charge up there that's not.

So it is up there.

So it is up there. Okay.
Maybe in the briny deep, though. Okay.
Human baby with human legs, merman with fish tail. Okay.
Human baby with fishtail. Got it.
That lives on land. Sure.

Or merman with human legs. Okay.
So

it's like an aerial kind of

from Little Mermaid. I guess when she comes up with legs.
Well, yeah, but

you have to live in the sea. Oh, I have to live in the sea.
Yeah, you can't breathe. You can't breathe above water.
Oh, okay.

You're not like Ariel where you're on that rock going splash and singing the big song or anything like that. Okay,

why the splash? Why did you need to tell me?

Because I feel like the splash. I feel like the big

animated waves crest right behind her as she does it. Yeah, that flops on that rock and then it's the cum.
That's the cum shooting her out onto dry land. What? Listen up.
I'm going to choose.

You can't erase what you just said by saying listen up. I'm going to choose

human, baby, human legs. Okay.
I think. I'm going to choose human legs.
I'm going to go with what I know.

Human baby.

Human, baby, human legs. I just heard that.
I had to rush in. Okay.
Bye. I got to go.
Oh, bye.

I did have questions about the church.

Yeah, I think I'm going to choose what I, I'm going to go with what I know, Scott, and I'm going to go with human, baby, human legs. I'm going to go merman human legs.
Merman human legs.

So I'm just swimming around underwater with my legs flapping around. Oh, okay.
Wait, can you breathe underwater? Yeah. Oh, okay.
That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool, right? Okay,

I might join you in that because

I don't like being under the water. So I think, well, maybe I'd acclimate.

If you join me in this, by the way, it's just the two of us. Boy, that fire is really roasting.
I love when you hit the fire. It's really toasting.
I might need to take off a layer. Yeah.

But yeah, we'd be the only two down there is that okay with you there's not a there's not a race of wait so why is it an option because it's an option it's a special option a race of what

yeah yeah a race what a race of what a race of uh mermen with human legs or or just mermen in general then who who creates it's it's our id it's our uh responsibility to propagate the species underwater underwater so first we have to have sex with fish so are these atlanteans oh wait no we're we're the only two who are there so so are we then atlanteans do we are we creating i mean we atlantas if you're asking will we start a society that we name

now but you're but i i guess but the other thing you're saying is we would have to start a society there by fish i just don't want to walk by that that's your second question that's what you said you said that i did say that yes yes well if we want our our the our lineage to continue

we'll have to a few fish okay i feel like this whole thing i feel like this whole thing is just so that you can fuck a fish.

I don't know about that. It's a whole thought endeavor

to get you here. But have you thought about it a little bit? I mean, no.

Which fish? Does it sound okay? Let me ask you this. Which fish would you fuck first?

That's a good question. Maybe a co-ho.

Okay.

Co-ho salmon. A co-ho salmon.
Okay. Is that in the ocean? I don't.
Oh, you think

we might have to go into lakes and streams for that. I might swim upstream.

I don't think bears are out there grabbing salmon out of the middle of the ocean. We'd have to invent underwater TV and movies for us to work on.

We'd have to. We'd have to invent underwater punch-up rooms.

Underwater movies that are failing that we get brought in to do. Underwater, my notes aren't helpful.

Well, Jason, wonderful to have you.

Scott, thrilled to be here. We do need to get to our first.
Please, let's go. It's okay.

You're going to be my trusted co-host. Yes, of course, I'll keep an eye on the fire.
I need you during the holidays, Jason.

While you're doing your thing, I'll keep an eye on the fire, and don't you worry. We'll be all right.
All right, fantastic. Well, let's get to him.
He is, of course,

he was once a presidential candidate. Can you believe that? I can.
Yeah. Not too many.
There aren't too many of them. I mean, there are so few presidents, and then even not even a few, but many, few

people who ran. Jesus Christ.
Okay. I died.

I think I passed in the middle of a. I was like, I'm going to rush right past him.
Wow. I was just like, wow, that was tough.
But he was a presidential candidate during the 2020 election.

There are so few president

2024 election, and he was on our show, I believe, in Minnesota,

a live episode that we did last year. But let's welcome him back to the show, RFK Jr.
Hello, Scott. Thank you for having me.
It's wonderful to be here. So wonderful to see you, RFK.

There are many few pleasures in life than getting to be on microphone with you.

Now, sir, are you on the microphone? Yes, I am. Okay, cool.
And are we talking to the worm or are we talking to you right now? That's very funny. You know, the worm is not sentient as far as I know.

Okay, as far as you know, I mean, it could be up there. I can't communicate with it.
It never speaks through your larynx or anything like that. Not that I'm aware of, but maybe sometimes.
Not even

when you're asleep, has Cheryl ever nudged you and said, hey, the worm's talking? Cheryl and I sleep in separate beds. Separate houses, I would imagine, separate states.

Because we're afraid of getting each other sick. Oh, okay.

But I mean, aren't you the healthiest you've ever been? I'm the healthiest I've ever been and the healthiest anyone has ever been. You sound great.
Thank you.

Your face is so red. I feel terrific.
And

I feel that that is...

Reflected on my outsides as well. Is that a sunburn or is it gin blossoms? What exactly is going on with your face?

Look, these kinds of questions are not something that I came here ready to answer because I just wanted to give people a peace of mind this holiday season. You want to give people a peace of mind.

Yeah. A piece of your mind.
Many people.

Do you have a lot left? That worm has eaten a lot of it. Okay.
What kind of show is this? Because that's very rude.

It's kind of a rude show. I beg your pardon.
I'll never have a phone affair with you now.

You blew it.

You'll never get promoted through the news business, Scott, now. Damn it.

RFK, you want to give people a peace of your mind this holiday? No.

No, you don't. I said peace of mind.
Oh, okay. You want to give people peace of mind? Because

everybody's, I'm assuming, traveling, seeing friends and family. They want to stay healthy in the holiday season.
I guess. Okay.

I don't understand any of that. You don't have friends or family? Of course I do, but I don't see them.
Okay, so you have friends that you never see. Yes, because they're vaccinated.

Who's your best friend? Yeah, who's your best friend? Probably my.

My best friend friend just passed away recently oh no no who's this was it the twins who

those are those older women those two women who committed the twins who committed suicides

that's who you went with i don't know i'm just trying to think of recent deaths you're just spitballing who who passed away rfk uh it was a

a hunk of coyote haunch that was in my fridge. Oh, no.

It went off. And you it went off.

It spoiled it. me.
I should have put it in the freezer instead of the fridge, but I thought I'd get to it faster. Oh, that's awful.
So it got all wormy. Oh, I'm sorry to bring up the worm again.

Hey, man.

So,

by the way, what's the R stand for? R? Richard? Oh, just R? Well, my name is RFK Jr., so what does that tell you?

R. Is there like a pirate? Like R or something like that? I have no idea.
Who's RFK? You have no idea.

None at all.

I think we went through this last time, didn't we? I hope not.

What is it, Richard? I can't. What was that, guys? Robert.
Why are you doing this? I don't know. It's Robert.

I can tell you've had Tylenol in your lifetime. Oh, boy.

If you can't answer this simple question, you've probably done things like ibuprofen or aspirin. I have occasionally I'll get a headache, and yes, I've done that.
But you're saying that that is not.

Did you ever use

brand bandages? I, yes. Well, sometimes I do the off-brand ones, and sometimes they have cartoon characters.
This is starting to feel like product placement.

The adhesive in band-aids causes lesbianism. Oh, no.
What? Holy cow. So, these are things to watch out for this holiday season.
Yeah.

I got to stock up on band-aids.

What other things are people doing out there that you want to warn the public about? Yeah. Don't drink apple juice.
Okay.

Apple juice. Any kind of apple juice.
Even fresh squeezed. Even fresh.

Squeezed. Yep.

You're out there squeezing apples.

Squeezing apples.

You get so little. The only apple juice that you need to drink is fresh squeezed apple juice.

You get maybe a milliliter per cake. What do you get at breakfast? You have to see on every menu.
Fresh squeezed orange juice, grapefruit juice, apple juice. I don't think so.

But it begs a question, where are we getting the apple juice? If you can't just squeeze an apple in a cup, are they pulping it or what? They must be. Yeah.
Yeah. I guess.

What you must look out for is if you go to a place and they advertise they're selling apple juice, say, Let me see the strong man. Let me see the squeezer.
Show me the squeezer.

Don't have a strong, circus strong man come out of the kitchen and squeeze it right in front of you. Get out of there.
Wearing like a leopard sort of fur tunic. Tunic.
Yes. One-shoulder tunic.

A singlet.

With barbells that have big balls at the end. He should have a bald head and a big wide mustache.

What else is going on this holiday season? Any other warnings or any other cautions for people this holiday season? Don't leave cookies out for Santa because what if he's real?

Well, you are now in. Then you've invited him in.
Is he at like a Van?

He might be there the night of December 25th going, where's these cookies, though? We know.

It's like Ants. I feel like you're somebody that has access now to all of the confidential information from the government.
Do you know if...

Santa exists? Like, who do I talk to?

Any of us? I'm just trying to find out if Santa exists.

I think Scott's asking about Area 51. And other areas.
Not at all on topic, but okay.

Area 51 has a large cache of alien corpses. Area 54 has the same thing, but also cocaine.

Okay, I'll go to Area 54. Because the aliens were working for the cartels.

We don't know if Santa is in fact real. We have tried to prove it.
Our governments have tried to prove it, but of course our governments aren't corrupt. I think NORAD knows he's real.
He's gay.

NORAD won't tell us.

NORAD won't tell us definitively if he's real. Isn't it pronounced Norin Rad? Oh, that's right.
Yeah, the Silver Service. Yeah.

With his love, shalabal. Yes.

But don't leave cookies out because if Santa is real and he gets in your house, who knows what he's going to do? That's right. Yeah.
Okay. So no cookies, no milk.

Never drink milk unless you're drinking it directly from an udder. Oh, wow.

So, any so, any milk that's coming to you in any way, shape, or form, supermarket or anything has been compromised. It's deadly and it causes,

let's say,

crib death. Wow.
Oh, no. Geez.

Crib death. So that is.
We don't like that. Oh, like RFK Jr.
himself is shaking his head

in disapproval of his own statement.

You're just saying an adult is going to climb into a crib and then die. You're saying it causes crib death in adults.
Yeah, exactly. So when you get to a diner, ask to see.
It's like hydrophobia.

Yeah. You get very,

you recoil at the sight of water. It's like that.
And do you Benjamin Button and you just sort of like get younger and younger and younger? Sure. Yeah.

And so when you get to a diner, ask to see the strongman and the cow that you're going to drink the milk from. Or goat, whatever has udders.

I have nibbles straight milk beef. That's fun.
Uh-huh.

God.

Watching you both run for that was absolutely delightful. I can run.
I'm watching an Olympics

440-meter dash. Is that how long it is? Sure, bud.
I can run very fast because I work out in jeans.

Why the jeans? Yeah. Why not jean shorts at least? Because I work up the resistance and also jean shorts I reserve from my lovers.
Oh, that's right. Nick, can we talk about these lovers? Yeah, shit.

I love talking about it. You've been in the news recently for not entirely being faithful to.

I never said I would be. Oh, not even in the wedding vows or anything? Technically, yes.
Okay.

So, you know, that is. But that's like, we just use traditional vows, so does that even count? It's like reciting a poem.
Yeah, that's right. But maybe, I mean, Scott, we don't know.

Maybe, maybe RFK Jr. and Cheryl Hines are in some sort of

open relationship.

Ethically non-I know I am.

You know you are. Now, does Cheryl know? Is my question.
She's found out, I think. Okay.

Somebody told her. I think it might have been Nunzie.
I saw her on TV.

What's her name? Nuzzie. Nuzzie or something.
I like Nunzie. Nunzie.
Nunzi. I saw her on TV fucking Ted Danson, so I'm pretty sure she's with someone else.

Nunzi? No, Cheryl Hines. Oh.

I was like, whoa, what?

Wait a second. What are you telling me? I saw her on TV.
It was like a documentary I was watching, and she was dating Ted Danson.

What? Yeah. And her ex-husband, Larry David, was really

kind of upset about it.

I get it now.

You get it? What do you mean, get it? You're making a funny joke. No.
Larry David and John. Not on this show.
Not on this show.

So, any other tips? Any other

tips and tricks? Gingerbread Gingerbread is absolutely toxic for you, and you shouldn't build a home out of it. Okay.

Can you eat it if you don't build a home out of it? No, you can eat regular homes, but not gingerbread homes. Okay, I don't know about regular homes.

Are you talking about those my weird lifestyle things where they're

in a drywall while they're watching TV?

Every American child should eat 1.5 couches a year.

I think it'd be really funny if they're eating the couch while they're watching TV and then suddenly they eat the couch that's underneath them and they go plonk

and they just fall to the ground. Wouldn't that be fun? No, did no.

Let's all just sit in that for a minute. Let's all unlike the couch.
Oh, boy. Yeah.

Anything else going on this Christmas? What? I mean, what about Christmas trees? We were talking about them earlier.

I mean, yeah, because I feel like a Christmas tree could be a way for a lot of like animals, insects to get into the house in a way that could be. Yes, but there are downsides too.

Let's hear them.

If you leave your Christmas tree up too long, it can not only be a fire hazard, but also

a water hazard. What?

I guess I don't understand the water.

If you leave it up there too long, it seems like it's going to die, but then it's just been storing the water up to spit it out at you. Oh, wow.
Okay. Yeah.
How often have we seen that happen? Twice.

And is that

part of why you're here is to just let people know like a psa just let people know that uh the the tree could explode in water maybe i mean really what i came here to do was tell people uh you know certain thing that i think everyone needs to know Okay, yeah.

Have you done that?

No, I haven't yet. I'm gearing up to do it.
Oh, okay. So this was the rest was just prologue to the main.
I wanted to have a fun little chit-chat with you first before I got down to breath text.

Okay, well, this was fun, so I really appreciate it. Did you sound like this before the worm? I don't know.
That's never been awesome.

Everybody stop talking about the worm.

Is this the worm's voice? I don't, yeah, maybe. Is it possible that you're not? Have you gotten the worm anything for Christmas? Maybe this is the worm's voice.
Whoa.

Hello, worm. Oh, hello, worm.
RFK's Jr.'s eyes just rolled into the back of his head. I don't have long.
Okay. Welcome, Worm, to Comedy Bank.
Long to live. Soon he will regain control.

Do you, what, what, What do you need from us? How can we help? Listen. Yes.
Put some old raccoon meat near his mouth, and then I can escape.

Okay, I have some new raccoon meat, but when he looks like it's we'll have to dry age it. Yeah, how old are we talking? How old are we talking about? Oh, no.
Oh, shit, he's dead.

Just like the women that you like to

have sex with. The affairs you're having.
How old?

Everyone's an adult and

like twice over. Yes.
Christ, bro. Anyway, you were saying you came here to tell us.
I have a special Christmas message. Okay, RFK Jr.
Here we go.

I want you to think about this when you're sitting down with your family to have Christmas dinner or whatever other holiday that's still legal. We don't sit down.

Sitting down is the new smoking, so we all stand during dinner. You do a standing Christmas dinner.
Christmas dinner. It happens every year.
I hope everyone's wearing jeans and no shirt.

When you're with your family, playing with the boys. Sorry.
Before you eat, before you dig into your food,

take a moment and think of these words. Okay.

Your open mouth awaiting my harvest.

Okay.

Drink from me, love.

I mean to squeeze your cheeks to force open your mouth.

I'll hold your nose as you look up at me to encourage you to swallow.

Don't spill a drop. Please.
I am a river. You are my canyon.
Please, RFK Junior. I mean to flow through you.
You mean to subdue and tame you. RFK Jr., you're reading myself.
I'm almost done.

I'm almost done. Let him finish.
My love.

Amen. You're reading the wrong message.
That was the message that you sent to that writer who wrote the who that you had an affair with. Nunzie? Yeah.
Nunzie. Yeah.
Good old Nunzie. Hey, Nunzie.

Hey, Nunzie, anything come in on the RFK Jr.

When I was growing up as a Roman Catholic, we used to rate certain girls like that. Oh, she seems a little nunsy.

Like she might go, she might join the convent. Yeah, don't bother.
She seems nunsy.

Wow. Well, RFK Jr.,

an important message during this dual time. This holiday season.
I mean, really,

this is now on the episode. So curl up with your loved ones and play the message.
Grind up, mistletoe, and snort it

so you don't have a son who's taller than you did that happen to you i haven't seen your extended family but i'm not sure if i have kids

i bet i do probably they're fucked up oh man

well uh rfk jr we we need to get to our next guest good all right uh

this is a

of course on the show i don't know who's dropping by at any given moment but my producer uh he gives me uh uh cards that says who's here and this is a big surprise to me uh we haven't seen her since since an episode earlier in the year.

Please welcome back to the show a Peloton instructor. Please welcome back, Krendel.

We're turning up the fire for you. It's almost like applause.

Hey, Scott, let's get those, get that music pumping. Yes.

Yes.

They're my boys. I see one, two, three, boys.

Yes, I do. Let's get on those bikes.
Get those asses up by your hands. We're going to turn that cadence up to 172.
What? Get that resistance going.

That's too high. That's also

warming up. Where are the knobs in this? Go ahead and turn that knob up right there by your knee.
I'm yelling. Turn that knob up, that resistance.
I want that at 72.

72 is too high for a warm-up. I am a fan of that.
Do you feel that we are warming up? Can I go higher?

Go ahead and go higher. Yes, RFK.
It has been too long, babe. Excited to see you, Cristo.
Jeans nice and wet with that sweat. Oh, I want you to think about what motivates you today.

What motivates you every single moment?

Putting out great shows for the public. What the fuck?

No.

You want to know what motivates me? My son, Braxton. Oh, that was right.
That was timed perfectly to the drop. Wow.
That was awesome. That's right.
I'm a boy mom. I'm not afraid to say it.

Yes, I'm in a serious relationship with my son. What? I'm obsessed with my son, Braxton.
Every day with him is a blessing. You know what he said to me this morning, Scott? I have no idea.

Should we still be peddling?

Keep peddling. Go ahead and turn that resistance up to 481.

Hold on.

Put my dress shoes on.

You know what he said to me this morning? I couldn't even hazard a guess. What is that, Sal?

That's on the track.

Okay.

He said, Mom, Christmas isn't about giving or love

or family. It's about you.

That's right. Use promo code Peloton.
Get yourself a Peloton today. Go ahead and turn that music off, Scott.
Let's take a break. Let's take a breather.
How are we doing? How are my boys feeling?

That was exhausting. Yeah, just listening to you was exhausting, but the pedaling was even worse.

I hadn't seen you in class in a long time, Scott. Where have you been? I know they call call it Pedalton.
Doesn't that make more sense? We started as Petalton, yeah, but we dropped that or Pedalton.

Yes, the Facebook guy said, you know, drop a couple of those letters and make it Peloton.

That's right. Sean Parker.
Sean Parker. To answer your question, Crendle, I've been really good.
I haven't worked out a day since you were here last.

I think it was the Wayne Brady episode you were on last. Right, Scott.
You and Wayne were going so hard at each other. Yeah.
Because we're so hard to get together.

I don't know if it was at each other.

Yes, you were. We couldn't.
I don't

each other we were individuals i have your sperm results scott by the way oh wow yeah you harvested our sperm we harvested your sperm to make sure that you can be a boy mom someday scott okay i don't you know pretty soon that's all we're going to be able to harvest in america is our sperm that's my goal is to get the sperm of every single man in the world

same

rfk jr same i want to create a storehouse yeah what do you want to do with like the seed barrier right i want to go through all that sperm.

Make sure that we have all the possible sperm to create the best men in the world. Exactly.
Because guess what? I'm going to be their boy mom. That's right, Scott.
Just because I'm your boy mom.

Was this what Sidney Sweeney's jeans ad was all about? Getting the best sperm? I think so. Are you wearing Sidney Sweeney's jeans? Of course I am.
Okay, great. I'm also wearing Sidney Sweeney's jeans.

That's right. Why aren't they called Sidney Sweeney's jeansies? You know?

I don't even think they're called Sidney Sweeney's jeans, let alone Sidney Sweeney's Sweeney's jeans.

They should be called Sidney Sweeney's jeans. Why aren't they called Sidney Sweeney's tits? Yeah.
It doesn't make any sense. Put Sidney Sweeney's tits on your legs.
That's right. Can those.

Go ahead and get the third one. I'm a third one.
The music you never gave me my sperm results. I'm feeling motivated.
Let's get on those fights. Oh, my God.

Let's go ahead and turn that resistance down. Okay.
Down. Down.

One, two, three. Three.
And I want your kittens up. I want your kittens up to 2,000.
Okay. Oh, yeah, you are going.

I want you boys to yell out to me, what motivates you this holiday season?

Getting presents.

No!

Say, not gifts, Scott. Okay.
What motivates your soul every day? Good food. That's right.
Good food, but healthy food. Protein, right, Scott?

Go ahead and open that ass while I shove some of this protein powder in there.

Yeah, does that feel nice and dry? That's right. It should feel dry.
Is that element? Are those leaves?

That's rough.

Use promo code Protein Pack Ass.

Protein Pack Ass? At any Amazon available stores. Okay.
Go ahead. Okay, you know what? I'm going to tell you what motivates me right now.

Wait for it. My son, Braxton.

Every day with him

is

a moment sent from God.

Do you want to know what he said to me this morning? He's only 22 months old, Scott.

Really? He said something different to you? Yeah, he said something else. What else did he say? He said, Mom, Christmas isn't about Santa Claus or videotapes.

Videotapes. It's not about

22 months. It's not about record players.
Oh.

Or old cars. So a lot of like.
Is he Jay Leno? Old media and antiquated automobiles. It's not about

laser discs.

It's about Jesus Christ. Oh, whoa.

That's right. Go ahead and tell me how Jesus makes you feel, RFK.
Oh, he makes me feel like I can do anything to anyone. That's right.

Yes, Jason, how does Jesus make you feel right now? I mean, a little, if I'm honest, uncomfortable. It's, you know.
Good.

You should be uncomfortable. That's what working out is all about.
Yeah. Okay, let's take a deep old big breath in.

and cut that music, Scott. Slow it down.
Slow down those bikes.

How are my boys doing?

Oh my God. How are my boys? I'm still thinking about Jesus Christ on that.
Scott, good, Scott. Good.

Look at those jeans you're wearing. They're sopping wet

from all that fucking sweat.

Just while we're taking a break, super quick, Krendel,

I just wanted to ask because I've heard so much about Braxton.

Is he your only child? No, but he is my number one kid. Oh, you have another son? No, I have a daughter.
Oh, how old? Her name's she's five. She's fine.

Oh, okay.

But Braxton is

the right of my fucking life.

What's her name? You've never brought her up or talked to her. Her name's Paisley.
Paisley. Paisley.
That's gorgeous. Oh, wow.
It's fine. She's alive.

It's fine. She's fine.
Okay.

Okay.

But Braxton is the one you want to focus on. Braxton is my son, my light, my hearth, my home.
Okay. My

synonyms of you.

Your worm.

My worm, my earth, my plant, my flower. That's right.
Braxton is my number one boy. And I'm going to tell you something.
I'm not going to date until he is dead. Oh, you're single.

Yeah, I am single.

But I am not going to go out there. I'm not going to go date other men until Braxton has his own life.
How did you obtain Braxton without someone in your life? Also, do you plan on Braxton

you?

We don't know. We don't know what's going to happen out there.
But I'll tell you something, Scott. Go ahead and hit that meal button.
Okay, you still haven't given me the

sperm results.

Well, I will get to that, Scott. We want to know how your sperm is doing, don't we? Yeah, it's looking pretty tightly packed today, isn't it, Scott?

That sperm. My sperm in my body right now? Yeah.

Tightly packed. Like, what does that mean? It needs to come out, Scott.
I can tell.

I don't think that's your responsibility.

I got pregnant from riding my Peloton. Oh, shit.
With my son Braxton, immaculate conception style, just like the Virgin Mary, give it up for Christmas.

Yo, it actually sounds like someone jizzed on your Peloton.

Don't come on these. Give it up for Jesus Christ.
Birthday. Guys.
And use promo code Protein Packed Pussy Ant App. Oh, geez, I don't know about that.
I really don't think we should come on these.

Turn that cadence up to 185. That resistance up to 285.
Turn cadence up. And go ahead.

Pedal faster. Get that sperm going.

Scott. Sperm's going.
I'm ready to give you your results. Oh, boy.

Wow. You know what my son Braxton said this morning in these talks?

He said,

he said, are you going to tell Scott the truth about his sperm? Oh, shit. I said, yeah, that's my plan, Braxton.
I'm going to tell him everything he needs to know. He says, just do me a favor.

Be nice. He's fragile.
It's nice of Braxton, but I can take it. Whatever the results of my sperm are.
Jesus Christ

didn't give Scott the best sperm out there. Wow.
I mean, his sperm is bad. Like, slow.
You need Scott. Bad in that respect, but it's still like.
Low motility. You need more asbestos in your diet.

Scott, Christ gave you bad sperm. It happened to be.
Is what Krendel is telling you. Is it good in all other ways, like taste and color? Oh god.
Taste is awful Scott. Low taste.
It's low.

Low taste. No!

So it's low motility.

Is low the only descriptor? Low is bad. It's just a

binary choice, low high. Exactly.
Most of your sperm is low, but we did find one good sperm out there, Scott. Okay.
We did find one good sperm. Great.
What are you going to do with it?

We're going to make a boy, Scott. We're going to make a boy.
Go ahead and turn that music down.

I hesitate to say this, but I think Krendel's going to have a blinding headache for the rest of the day. Yeah.

Where are you going to put the sperm, Krendel?

I want to let you know your sperm has been added to the bank. That's right, the Peloton Bank of Sperm.
Wow, does the bike suck it right out of you? What is this? Quite an honor. How does that work?

Congratulations. You ever seen the show Wheel of Fortune?

Brexton watches that every day. What? That's right.
You take the wheel of fortune full of sperm and you spin it, Scott. And wherever that sperm lands, that's going to be your boy.

So is it implanted into other Peloton instructors? You go straight into those seats, Scott. Okay.
And over at Peloton, we sit on those seats, don't we? Sure.

So the people that work for Peloton use the sperm. But they also have people coming over to the studio and biking along with the instructors, right? So it might be one of them.
Oh.

That's that's right. We are all going to get pregnant from that one sperm.
Oh, you're all trying to get pregnant from this single sperm.

We're going to be your boy, mom, Scott, and have a boy with you. Okay.
Oh, you got pregnant with your mom. Wait a minute.
When's the last time you saw Crendle, Scott?

Uh, it was earlier in the year, maybe seven months ago.

It wasn't 22 months ago.

No, we did. We didn't know each other 22 months.

I don't believe Krendel is my

fingers crossed. The next time you see me, Scott, I'm going to be a fucking hippo full of your baby.
Wow. And your mom.
I am your mom. Yeah,

this is an interesting development.

This seems like needless heightening, but I'm going to go with it.

How are you also Scott's mom? Boy mom. I am a boy mom to all of Peloton instructors.
I see. You're sort of like the royal boy mom.
That's right. Jason, where have you been?

I've been looking for you since the pandemic. You were at class, but then you were no more.

I couldn't handle being around that many people huffing and puffing in the same room i just that's right stressed me out what about online online i i got i did get a peloton bike at home on and i did do classes online right but then you stopped i did stop with uh with cody yeah yes and jess yes with cody and jess yes of course

excellent other instructors full of sperm peloton gen

Peloton Jen that fucking bitch oh you don't like Peloton Jenn Peloton Jen she go to hell in a handbasket Let's go ahead and get that music. Oh, no.
Come on, boys. RFK, I see you.

I'm up and ready to go. That's right.
Oh, man. Get that worm up on those bars.
Get that worm jacked. Oh, my God.
The worm is crawling out of his nose and onto the bars. Hey, what's going on here?

That's right, worm. You're a fan of the colour.
This is called a Peloton worm. Oh, I'll see you later.
Oh, worm. Oh, here.
I found. You went back into the nose.
That's right.

And I had a little bit of rancid raccoon meat.

I feel so bad. Rancid raccoon meat is on sale at the Peloton shop right now.
35% off if you use promo code. That's a lot of protein.
That's full of protein. Inside of my gap.

This works out inside of your gap? Like your thigh gap? That's right. You're going to have a thigh gap when you're done with this, Scott.
What were you saying, RFK Jr.?

I got the possum sweats. Good.

That's what I like to hear from my boys. We want you nice and sweaty.
We want you raw dogging them.

We want you crumpted graham scott are you feeling prompted grandfather i guess so but i'm not gonna raw dog this teledog are you feeling stopped are you feeling stopped i'm feeling are you stopped

braxton

is

my

song

okay all right

i'm turning the music off look trendle

what a workout scott thank you thank you for coming thank you so much so good to see you you. It's so wonderful to see you.

Unfortunately, we need to take a break. Are you going to stick around or what are you doing? I don't know yet, Scott.
Okay, we'll see what happens.

We're going to come right back. We're going to have more fun, more merriment.
We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Comedy bang bang, we're back. The holiday episode of 2025.
Jason Manzucas is here.

The fire is going. And boy, we're having such a wonderful time.
It's dangerous. I will say the fire is so hot.
And the workout we just did got me so hot. I'm like sweating my ass.
That's right.

You're hot and you're fucking sweaty. But go ahead and eat that too.

Is there a Christmas song that's this kind of a.

Absolutely there is.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, Scott. Robin laid an egg.
Just kidding. We're not singing that version today, are we, Scott? No, we're singing the regular jingle bells.
Is that? Sure. Okay.

Jingle bells, jingle bells. You feel that, Arm King? I do.
Jingle bells all the way.

I can see the protein coming out of your pores. Those are some big pores.

Those are enormous. I'm like a fuzzy pupper barbershop.

I'm friends with the girl that you had sex with.

Which one? Nunzie.

You're friends with Nunzie?

You know Nunzie? Nunzie used to be a Peloton instructor back when she wanted to be an actress before she became a reporter and then became just a lady on the internet.

You're skipping over her song, by the way. Oh, sorry.
Yes, she was an excellent musician. Tell her she still has a shot with me.
I will. I'll do my best.
I'll do what I can.

But remember, you can never be who you really want to be until you have a son. That's right.
My son Braxton said to me today, Christmas isn't about elves, Scott. What's Christmas about?

Wait, he referenced me. He said, Scott? He said, Scott, listen to me.

Christmas isn't about elves or presents. It's about ribbons.
Do you mix ribbons? Like the ribbons around presents or the ones on lapels?

So I'm starting to think Braxton's an idiot.

He calls her Scott. He thinks Christmas is about ribbons.
This kid's a fucking idiot. Sorry, I gotta do my karate.
The dog is here.

The dog is an idiot. Steve already

dog. That's also my son.
Oh, wait. This is Braxton? This German Shepherd? This is not Braxton.
This is another boy. Oh, Oh, I see.
That's right. His name is Chance.

Chance. Chance Chip.
Chance Chip. Chip.
The dog? That's right, Chance Chip. Go ahead and get on that bike, Chance.

Look at him.

Whoa, look at it.

That resistance is all the way up to 360. As is the cadence.
Wow. See the way that Chance Chip is climbing into my ass.
Wait a minute. I mean, I see it, yeah.
That is what we do here at Peloton.

Wait a minute, that Peloton's whole thing is about gaping.

We want you absolutely gaped and gumped.

We want you gaped. Gaped and gumped?

Like, what's gumped?

Gumped, you're full of gum. What about gooning? Yes, we want you gooning.

Oh my gosh, I'm gooning right now.

I'm gooning so hard. How are you guys doing? I'm gooning.

Wow,

How do you feel?

Good goon session, everyone. Oh, do you see all that goon? Oh, my God.
Look how much camera.

I feel positively gooned and gumped. Wow.
I feel crumped and cranned. I'm so proud of my voice.
It was so fun seeing you boys do that.

That was an amazing workout, Crendle. Thank you so much.
Absolutely. We do need to get to our next guests, though, if that's all right.
Absolutely. All right.

They've been on the show a couple of times before. They are the, I believe, the owners and proprietors of cooldickshoes.com.
Oh, I know these guys. I got some of their shoes.
Yeah.

Please welcome back to the show, Austin and Tony. Hello.
Hey, I think we walked in on something crazy. Oh, what you just saw? Yeah, that was kind of a.
Sorry, I'm just a goon sash. Yeah.

Yeah. I learned a lot.
I learned a lot. A visit from the goon squad.

That's for freaking sure. Yeah.
Hey, Austin and Tony, I can't remember which of you is which.

Austin. Austin and Tony.
Yeah, this is Tony over here. CFO, Tony.
How old are you? CFO. Well, you guys have titles now.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
We do. I'm the CFO.
Chief Financial Officer? That's correct. Yes, sir.

I'm 17. 17.
How old are you? 17. Wow, you're cheap.
RFP Jr. Just asking kids' age.
I hope you really

curse the thing out of the gate. Because I want to.

I hope you go into drinking your rabies every day. Oh, I like this guy.
I like this guy. I feel like I used to.

My mom sits me down and has talks with me and is like, don't like listen to the internet or random men.

But I'm like, this guy's freaking cool. Oh, yeah.
I just want to help. Yeah.

Austin and Tony, you were on the show with Jason, I believe, that first time, and we talked about your first website, cool dickshoes.com.

Which is,

I'm hoping, still an active website. Oh, yeah, that's kind of

something we came here to talk about. But yeah, we did hope.

Has it been a big success? Because the episode we were on together was you guys launching this website.

It went well. It went too well.
It went too well.

We weren't weren't prepared to meet demand. Exactly.
We had production issues. We had major production issues.

And then with Prom Around the Corner, we had to pivot to selling printers. Right, right, right.

And that was at the website.

We sell printers, not dickshoes.com. Right.

Another still active website. Yes.
Yes. And how did that go? Yeah, were you able to sell any of these? Vis-a-vis selling printers.
I remember one was really expensive, right?

That was one of your dad's printers, wasn't it? That was our dad's printers. And yeah, once again, production issues.

Yeah, we keep running into those issues, but we're

what was the issue? You asked your dad if you could have the printer and he said no. Yeah, and

then we tried to steal it and got grounded. Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
That's why you haven't been on the show in between now. Yeah, also, were you guys able to go to prom?

We did, we did. We went in poop limos made by the

buggle brothers, who also have a website. Yeah, last time we were on.
Now, hang on a second. I'm going to need to drill down into that.
You're just tossing that off. Well,

they were on a show with Kyle Mooney and Beck Bennett.

Then a couple of brothers came in. Yeah.

What were they called again? The Buggle Brothers. The Buggle Bungle Brothers.

I believe I listened to this episode.

I just need a quick refresher.

They started a dating website and we helped them procure a website. Yeah, right, right.
Right, right, right. And here, I love seeing you say that.
Oh, yeah.

We're businessmen. RFK Jr., you're pro-cure, right? I love cures.
I want to cure everyone of vaccines.

And Scott, you love the cure. That's right.
So we're all pro-curers.

I'm getting the cure banned from America. Oh, no.
RFK Jr., why? It's not the right cure. Oh, no.

You don't want to cause confusion in the marketplace? That's right.

This guy makes so much sense. He really does.
My young mind is forming around it. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We like it. Wait, do you have a website? Yeah.
Of course, I do. Wait, what's it called? It's W

Double U Double U. Put on a pot of coffee.
We're going to be here for a while. Maha.gov.
Oh, okay. We'll check that out later.
That might become my religion. Yeah.

Also, it's really nice to have all this chit-chat, but we did come in with a bit of. All right, let's dispense with the pleasantries by all means.
I think Austin wants to move it along.

But we did come in with a business plan as two businessmen. Yeah,

We sort of have a new business. Is that what's happening? No.
We're doubling down. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, okay.
So old business.

Well, what we did is we made a website that we had to put our training credit cards down for, and we auto-renewed it by accident. So we have the website for another year.

So we do figure, hey, let's see. Yeah.
So you have the cool Dick Shoes website

for another year. We're having it for another year.
And then all four of our websites auto-renewed. So now we're financially in the hole.

Yeah. Our training credit cards are maxed out.

I really hate that when a website or a service turns on the auto-renew and you don't know it. By the way, head over to cbbworld.com

for any past episode of the show as well as CBB Presents hasn't seen promo code CBBInMy Ass.

I don't think that one's going to work.

By the way, if you made it work, you'd get more people. Oh, that's a lot of people.
That would be

good. Psych to use that promo code? Okay, we might just.
Get your canyon filled in no time. Okay, Karfka Jr.

Promo code fill me up.

So, Austin, Tony, what is the new idea for the business? Okay, Austin,

I want to just say Austin is going into a backpack. Yes, in fact, I am.
Oh, boy. A backpack full of trash, it looks like.
Yeah, but there's some good stuff around the trash.

Okay, you've taken out a plastic bag. Oh.
Oh, wait, and giving it to me, okay.

I love this. This is a plastic bag.
It looks to be a pavilions bag. This is a real Christmas.

this is a holiday gift exchange oh my god i have nothing to give you so it's more like a gift exchange not a gift

those are for you mister whoa whoa actual cool dick shoes these are actual cool dick shoes that say cbb and have erect mine is erect my mine oh yours has a real flaccid but just upside down yours has a real curvature to it yeah

which one is this uh is this the the austin or the that's i think it's the tony that's the tony and i so i have the austin you have the austin and then scott also has the mister as requested online right oh oh i see i see oh that's great this is the one that i i gave you a photograph of my own right yeah and you drew it to the scale yeah it's just and yours look just as cartoony in the photo too right yeah well scale and cartoon

stock a lot of fish with that dick

guys thank you so much i'm putting them on right now this is incredible

we're gonna get some photos of these. Oh, photos.
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah,

that would be great.

Although these will not be an endorsement, these photos. No, wait, oh,

photo does not equal endorsement. But I guess my question is, is you just gave us some shoes.
How is this a business? Well, that's what we're here to talk about.

We're here to talk business about potentially a brand ambassadorship where you guys... Oh, they fit.
They fit. They fit.

They fit great.

They look great.

You guessed at our sizes, I would imagine. Yeah, we guessed Jason's, and then you filled out the form, so we did know.
Oh, okay, great. Yeah.

And by guessed, we do mean what was available. Yeah, which is surprisingly little.

I did go to DSW and have a little cry in there because there weren't that many shoes available and not that many canvas ones. I'm shocked that DSW is still in business.

Oh, yeah. Well, barely, I think.

Are you guys keeping them afloat?

I think so. Tony called me sobbing and said, we have to buy like six extra shoes just to keep these guys going another day.
Wow. So I told him to go for it.

I got a soft heart, but I'm also a CFO, so I'm trying to be better about it. Yeah, right.
You got to be hard.

You got to be hard at, you know, you're responsible for the financial security of this entire endeavor. But speaking of CFO, how are you going to make money on this? So,

boy, you guys were in sync on this. So in sync.

So

you guys wear the shoes. Oh, okay.
Okay.

This is starting to seem like a shark tank presentation, so go ahead. Okay, you know what? You're right.
It would be better with a website.

Okay.

Yeah. No.
I mean, you have a website, though. That's how this all starts.
Yeah,

you have to spend money to make money, so we made another website. Made a website.
We made a different website. Okay, what is this website? This website is scottdickshoes.com.
ScottDickShoes.com.

And really, it's just a pitch deck from us to you. Okay.

We believe you should wear our shoes. So this is an actual website.
It says Scott and Jason in really big letters. Cool dickshoots.
Cool dick shoes would like to partner with you. Okay.

Wait, are those the shoes? Oh, look at you're wearing the dick shoes in there. Well, those are the there's a still for my television show.
Wait, and but you were on the PBS News Hour? Yeah, exactly.

And you've drawn the dick insignia on my actual shoes from the television show. Say how good it could look if you wore them.
By the way, that looks great. Yeah.
Yeah, it does. Yeah.
Yeah.

These are just a couple of places we thought you guys could wear them because once with the celebrity endorsement,

the sheep follow. Okay, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the sheep. I don't know whether you want to call your sheep.

So, yeah, you think of the people that are going to support you as sheep. We didn't used to until RFK came around.
Yeah. Then we were like, we like this kind of terminology.
Right.

And then underneath this, on page two, it says, wear our shoes, be our brand ambassador. Wow.
You could wear them to restaurants. Bakari pictured.

Okay, that's Scott wearing very, those shoes are very big. What was that website again?

ScottDickShoes.com.

And these look like Shaq's shoes that are on me right now. Those are gigantic shoes.

But I will say you look great

in this one, you're in a tuxedo, and it would look good with the dick shoes. That's right.
Because the dick shoes are white and black. So they would go perfectly to a black tie event.

And I have been to Bakari, so. Yeah.
Yeah. It's the Ellen DeGeneres look.
Yes. Yeah.

And that is your default how you dress. Yeah.
It's what I aspire to be. Degenerate.
In all aspects of my life. Degenerous chic.
Sure. Yeah, we picked up on that.
Yeah.

You could wear them to the Hollywood Bowl. Oh, yeah.
And here's a picture of Jason at the Hollywood Bowl towering over everyone. He appears to be about 30 stories.

Wearing the same gigantic shoes.

By the way, I would love to wear, I would have loved to have been able to wear my dick shoes when I went to the Hollywood Bowl to see Joni Mitchell perform last year. Oh, that would have been perfect.

It would have been the perfect. And Joni would have loved it.

And or imagine her looking at you from the stage and saying, are those dick shoes? And

stopping Amelia in the middle of the song just to say, are those dick shoes? Hell yeah, I see some dick shoes on that guy over there.

You can wear them to the sphere.

The same picture of me in the tux with the big shoes right next to the sphere. I was up to both events.
That would be cool. That's one of your goals, Scott, to go to the sphere.
That's it.

Someday I'll get there. Please wear them to the Oscars.
Well, that's very optimistic of that. By the way, we might be.

And thank you for the the politeness of saying please. Yeah, really.
I think that's important, and I feel like your generation is not polite anymore. And I think that's great.
You said please.

And as a result, I will wear them to the Oscars. I have to ask, there's giant pictures of Jason and I at the Oscars facing away from the stage.
And there's a lot of pictures of people.

Oh, no, these are people on the street. It's like it's a rehearsal.
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because we figured you guys might be like, if you weren't in it, at least working it.
Yeah.

We figured you might be an usher or something. We probably, maybe we did punch-up.
Maybe.

Yeah, a punch-up.

Once the Oscars were failing. Maybe because the hosts hated each other and wouldn't talk to each other.

All right, so then we have another page that has three different options. Wall Street, where I'm at the New York stock.
Fucking money never sleeps.

CAA, that big weird building that's going to be looking less like shoes than the Death Star. And then Barn.
Barn! I could wear them in a barn. Is that the heightening? Yeah.
Barn is like the,

what's the barn?

What are we doing in the barn, do you think, guys? Well, that one we're thinking about everyday Americans. Oh,

so the you know, the middle of the country, the flyover states, you know, they need

dick shoes too.

Now, more than ever, that the agricultural business has been hollowed out. Exactly.
Exactly. We're really concerned about that.
Agricultural business. They don't need work boots anymore.

Why not have dick shoes? Yeah. And then the website just ends at barn.

There is

a business.

Almost as if there just wasn't enough time to wrap that back. Before they ran out of ideas.
Before one of them needed to come here and the other would just be late while the thing uploaded.

Oh, wait.

There is.

Oh, dude, they're on to us. Look at me.
Look at me. Look at me.
I have your back. I have your back too, even though they exactly figured out exactly what was going on.
I have that muscly, pimply back.

Do you have mine? Yeah, I have that muscly, pimply. Slightly hairy.
Good for you, dude. Back.
You?

Boy,

let me tell you something. Don't ever let not knowing what you're doing prevent you from doing it.

This guy is my God. This guy is my religion.
This is my religion.

How can we donate? And how can we start a podcast?

Oh,

go to Austin and start a podcast. Okay.

And make it all about what the sheep are not what the sheep are doing that they're not supposed to be doing make sure you call them sheep

okay yeah yeah the only good sheep you find by the side of the road

just as dinner time approaches

by the way there is a an unexplored part of the website the about us section

every good website has two pages a home and then i clicked on that there's a picture of you austin and a picture of you tony you're together and you're uh one of you is flipping the camera off Yes.

Austin, that's you.

Are you guys in an airplane?

Yes. Big business.
We travel together. Oh, cool.

Yeah, we were in first class, but we gave it up for

either pregnant. She was either pregnant, lady, or

what?

No, you guys are looking at each other, panicked.

Nothing.

Nothing. Oh, man.
Nothing.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

What is up? Guys, what's up? No, we told this story to our mom, and she said to never say it out loud again.

Your collective mom? Well,

we told both of our moms at once. So, yeah, our collective moms.
Your moms hang out? Of course. They're best friends.
They do choir together. Oh, I know.
I don't know. We've never talked about them.

So you guys go to church? Oh, no, no, no. It's a non.
It's a non.

It's a secular choir. Yes, it's just for adults who miss being in a choir group, but you can't do that easily as an adult.
Got it. Now, you're on a plane.
You say this was a business trip.

Did you guys just go on a school trip? What? Oh,

we went to dc on our own volition

okay volition nice

what in dc just kind of have meetings near monuments yes meetings near with who investors yeah absolutely yeah absolutely mrs k investors mrs k mrs ks potential investor oh

she's so good she she asks questions then she only knows the answer mrs k sound i'll be honest this is sounding it sounds like a teacher that you were maybe were on a school trip yeah what's she teaching

She's done.

Just because she has the job doesn't mean she can't invest.

How much would she have money to invest? So true. So true.
Now, under About Us, it says, we're two dick guys in debt. Right.
Yes. We think autopay is fucked up.
Yes. Yes.

And we want to work with Scott. No mention of Jason.

But notice the website doesn't mention me either. But yet, you desperately want me to wear these shoes to the Oscars.

But we just edited the front page to say your name too. Yeah.
Yeah.

Just edited it?

We didn't walk in here and see you and panic. God.

Damn it.

God, I feel very disrespectful. Oh, no, no.
To be honest, we thought we would lose you by the About Us page.

You didn't sense him clicking on a second page.

That's understandable.

We're happy you made it this far. Well, I mean, these are great shoes.
Yes, I love them. I love them.
They're so comfortable.

I wouldn't mind wearing them to places if I happen to wear them out and about. Oh, I have to say.
A Bakari or the Oscars. Sure, yeah, yeah.
Like a premiere or the Oscars. Barn.
Okay,

barn I happen to find myself in. But so you want to convert this into sales? Yes.
Yes. Okay.
So then how are people going to see us wearing the shoes? Yes. Then they're going to go where?

To your original website? Do we say cooldickshoes.com? Are we promoting the old website?

Yeah, the old website or one of the five other ones. Okay.
We haven't decided where to direct our traffic. Yeah, we're.

so if someone says to us, those are great shoes, but I'm in desperate need of a printer.

Oh, then that would be we sell printers, not dick shoes. Okay, we did try to get away from dick shoes for a little bit.

Okay, but that's the problem is because you are now still selling dick shoes and printers.

Oh, that's beautiful. Harmonizing.
Wow.

Business is so hard. Can I make a suggestion? Krendel, yes, please help these ladies out.
Your ladies? No. No.

No. Sorry.
Help me out. What the fuck? Help me out.

Gentlemen,

what's the fuck? What the fuck? What are you doing? When I fucking fight you, bro.

That was not a funny joke.

I think you're cool like John C. McGinley from Scrubs.
I beg your pardon. RFK, we're angry.
We have nowhere to turn. You should be.
Young men should be furious, especially if you're, you know.

White?

Not my words. Oh, this guy's saying it's okay to talk like that.

Yeah.

Yeah. Enabled, enabled.
Enabled. Wait, what's your, what's your yeah? Oh, God, it's so good to see you boys working and working in a partnership.
No more boy-on-boy crime or hate. It's so fun.
Yeah.

But I just wanted to make a suggestion. You do need a promo code on your websites.
So what promo codes do you guys have? We don't, none as of yet.

But we definitely are thinking, yeah, we can come up with some. Yeah, here's an idea.
Mark your shoes up by 35% and then say get 35% off with this promo code. That's so good.
Yeah, exactly.

Promo code Bang Bang.

Is that a hook? I don't think Bang Bang is the one to use, but maybe you guys could come up with some. Promo code CBB in my ass.
I don't think that anyone will see it. Promo code fill your canyon.

Fill your canyon and then, yeah,

we can definitely do 35% off. Yeah.
I think with this business model. Sure.
Yeah. Sure.
Why not? Yeah. So that'll be on the website by the time that this episode comes out.

Absolutely. We have nothing to do but make websites.

We have all the time in the world. And shoes.
Yeah. And shoes.
Yeah. Well, this is a wonderful gift.
I really want to thank you for that. I so appreciate it.
These are great. I can't wait to see.

How did you get these boys' sizes? How did you know what size is? Assuming Wiki feet.

Yeah. My score is impeccable on that.
Oh, yeah. Scott, I'm so proud of you about that.
Thank you so much. Yeah.
Mr. Scott filled out a form as the answer.
Shut the fucking up.

And then, yeah, sent a photorealistic

dick that he wanted to be drawn on there. Yeah,

we don't need to discuss whose it was. Modeled after his own.

I mean, yeah. It does make sense.
It wasn't my own. It was modeled after, by the way.
And modeled after his own. That's better, right? It looks a little bit more like it was muddled after your own.

Hey, Jason, you're supposed to be my best friend.

You guys are best friends? You're like us. Yeah.
Wait, what? What? You know what's awesome, I feel like, talking to you guys, is that, like, we hear so much about the young male loneliness epidemic.

And you guys are not only best friends, but are so caring and so, you take such good care of each other and your emotional well-being. And that's incredible.
That's wonderful to see.

That's true, yeah. Our mom always told us, like, to be, like, to be masculine, like, doesn't mean that you can't have, like, a buddy that you look out for.

Do you guys ever get in fights between you two? The only fight we've ever gotten in was over a lady. Yeah.
Oh, who's this? No surprise there that a woman caused that. I'm so sorry for you, boy.

You sound just like my mom. Good.
You have a good boy, mom, I can tell. Yeah.
Yeah. Was this someone you wanted to take to prom?

Yeah.

But it turns out she was a teacher. Yeah.

Turns out she was a teacher.

How did you discover this? I just saw her around the halls.

We've been flirting, we thought, we thought for months, but it was her. She was just teaching you history.
Yeah.

Yeah.

But why was she giving so many details about presidents?

Checks and balances. Yeah.
It sounds like she was seducing you boys. That's a little bit of a

school. Yeah, she took advantage of you.
Yeah. You should get her off of the school.
Yeah. Whoa.

Get her off of there. Get her off of there.

Get her off that school. Get her right off the roof of that school.

I wouldn't mind. Yeah, I wouldn't mind.
I could get her off.

Oh, get off.

Austin. We could get her off.
We don't do those kind of jokes on Comedy Big Bang.

Not that kind of show. Not that kind of show.
Yeah, sure. No, no, but I mean, like, let's not shame them for making jokes about getting women off because they should want to get women off.

That should be your goal every single time. That's absolutely what they should do.

Real orgasm is a myth. I'm going to tell you boys that right now.
Get

dot com. They do not need to come.
Oh, sorry. We have updated the EDC website.

Women don't need to come. Women don't need to come.
And also, there's no such thing as a clitoris.

It's just a theory.

Oh, thank God. I don't have to to waste time looking for that.
Yeah, don't. That was stressed me out a lot.
Well, Austin and Tony, thank you so much for these gifts.

I noticed no one else brought gifts, so you're the first guest to come with something. I appreciate this.

Can you stick around? We need to get to our next guest. Absolutely.
Absolutely. Okay, fantastic.
Well, this is exciting. I've never met this gentleman before.

Bo, bow, bow, mail. Oh, no.

Mary. Did you say O Bobo? Mary Soup Smith.
Bowl, Bo, Bo. Bo, Bo, Bo.
Mary Soup Mary Soup Smell. Soupsman.
Merry Soup Smell. Bowl, Bowl, Bowl, Boll.
Merry Soup Smell.

Please welcome to the show Soup Declaws.

Yes, hello, Scott and everybody. Head of check, check.
Soup Declaus.

Yes.

Yes. Chuck.
Okay. There we go.
Now you're there. Now you're there.

Okay, no, we don't need Darth Vader noises. Are you blowing on the soup? I'm blowing on the.
It's the only way I know to test the mic. It's like a soup.
He blew the fire out. I got to hit the bellows.

Wow.

Give it oxygen.

Thank you, Jason. Do you mind if I put some soup on the old?

Put some soup on the Barbie. I needed to come along, Scott, to give everybody their soupsmith soup.
Okay, let me guess. You're Santa Claus but soup-themed?

Okay, Scott's done.

What's the guess? I'm not asking anybody to guess. I'm not trying to surprise anybody.
You'd think this was C-block with how thin this is. Scott! Are you sure this isn't a With the Lions character?

No, I don't know what you mean, character. This has happened to me for years.
Where did you go to college?

This happens to you? Well, yes, for years.

I was first, and the Christians stole Santa Claus from me because they were scared of the growth of paganism.

Okay, so you

predate

Santa Claus by. So you predate Santa Claus.

Yeah, we texted a little bit and and we saw if there was any sort of

puns so quickly. I thought that was the question.

But, yes, I was ripped off for years. But please, Scott, I don't want to take up too much of your time.
I just want to make sure everybody gets their soup for soup.

Well, we actually have a lot of time because I see our next guest is running late. Wonderful, Scott.
Take your time. Wonderful, Scott.
What time of the year is Soupmut?

December 25th, Mr. F.
Kennedy.

Yes, I was ripped off through and through, but I don't mind. We can both exist.
Now, Mr. Kennedy, when you...
You mention it a lot for a guy who doesn't mind. I didn't mind at all.

You all were mean to me immediately.

I came in with soup for everybody.

And yet,

it's not uncommon. I walk in with big bowls of soup, and everyone says, you look like Santa Claus, you act like Santa Claus, you change one thing.
I certainly hope

you do.

Well, I don't know.

Not the common Santa Claus, but

maybe the uncommon Santa Claus. Yes, thank you, Jason.
You've been a very nice boy, so you get a big bowl of soup.

By the way, this soup is cold. Is it meant to be a cold soup?

No, no, I was

stuck in traffic, Scott. You don't have a sleigh that you're flying above?

Yes, of course I have a sleigh, but my sleigh is a big cauldron. Everything between me and Santa Claus is this close with a little

bit different, sky. Does it fly in the air?

What pulls the cauldron? Yeah. What pull the West Pole, Jason?

You thought you were asking a Shakespearean question. What pole the cauldron? Can I say something to you? Yes.

It is so nice to see someone take a bisque.

Uh-huh.

Thank you, Krendel. It's a bisque business, meaning.
Thank you, Krendel. Yes, yes.
So,

what are some of the other responsibilities you have during Christmas? Well, of course, the soups miss. Thank you, Scott.

The number one responsibility is to make sure everyone gets a big or small bowl of soup, depending on if they were naughty or nice.

Oh, so they get a small one if they're naughty and big if they're nice or nice. That's exactly right.
So, everybody gets soup, it's just the amount. Yes, yes.
Soupsness is not about punishment.

Now, you just said soupsness.

Now, I just want to be clear.

If you want me to take it, I'll take it. But the last one I took, I got reamed for.

But yes, my number one enemy is the Soupsness monster. He lives.

What? He's a dinosaur young fellow who is.

Missy? Missy, yes. So you know Jason.
Oh, I've heard of Missy. Jason's researching the wall.

Where does he live? Muncy. In a big bowl of soup outside of Scotland.
And this is your number one enemy. How many enemies are we talking about? Where do I begin?

Look, let's start at number 100.

Everybody count down to one. Supta Claus has a huge rogues gallery.

Yes, of course. Do we have the Mirror Master? Number 100, the Mirror Master!

Is this someone I should know anything about before I go on with that? Go run with it. Okay, the Mirror Master, of course, is the reverse version of me.
So he eats your soup every super. Oh,

you'd think he'd be higher up on the list if he was my opposite, but he's 100 because I have a lot of enemies.

Once you deliver the soup, you don't don't care what happens. Why is this monster confined to a lake? You're number one.
Oh, we're back to the sides.

Nissy? Because that's where he was naturally born. It's where he's most comfortable.
I don't know if you know this, RFK. Most indoor spiders were born in the house that they find they're found in.

You can eat up to 1,000 spiders a year and be stronger for it.

I don't disagree. Is that the RFK talking? That's not the worm.

Does he clarify clarify which is which? Well, the worm has a slightly different voice.

So do spiders need to be found in a house or could they be in a business?

Oh, you're saying if you like see a spider in a business, was it born in a house and moved over there? Oh, it depends on the business. It absolutely depends.

Like a Ross dress for less? What's that? Sorry. If you see a spider, say a spider.

Say a speaker. Sorted spider.

Sorted spider. So tell us.
Tell us. Yes, Scott Ackerman.
Ackerman. Tell us.
And please, give me.

Have you been naughty or nice this year, Scott Ackerman? I thought that was supposed to be something you knew. He's been naughty.
His sperm is low. I have low sperm.

Well, then you need a lot of soup, Scott Ackerman. Oh, God.
Yes,

we can up your sperm count in one to two to three soups, misses. Okay.
That's the right amount of soup. Wow.
Yeah. All right.
May I ask how you've been testing your sperm count?

Apparently it was harvested in the last year. Dawson got up in there

and he got it out. Okay.
Well, I'm so sorry to hear that. So all we need.
You're very empathetic. Thank you.
Oh, I don't. I've lived for so long and I've seen

it. How long have you been alive?

Let's see.

I was there when Jesus Christ had his moment of doubt and faith. Okay, wow.

That was pretty early on. I mean, that's quite a long time ago.
33 AD.

Yes, yes. So a long time.

I can't remember a time when I didn't. But wait, you were there for that? Yes, yes.
Wasn't he alone?

Well,

he thought he was. I was bringing him his soup and he'd been a very naughty boy, Jason.
They don't tell you this in the New Testament, but Jesus had been very naughty somewhere.

So Soupsmas predates Christmas, which was based on

the day he was born. Were you there? Like, is that when Supsman?

Yeah. Little Drummer Boy was originally a little soupy man.

Little Soupy Man. And that was me.
I brought some soup as a gift.

But why couldn't you have been a soupy boy? A little soupy man? Well, they called a little soupy boy, and I thought it was diminutive. It was disrespectful.
I was like, I'll show you a soupy boy.

Oh, and you grabbed your dick like that? Grabbed your mic.

You near your dick. You near your dick, just as I analyze this.
Not a situation. Yeah, okay.

Oh, eat some more soup, Scotty Bag.

Okay, this is way too much soup, by the way. I'm sweating through my jeans.
Can I ask

Soupt,

is it the same flavor? Get on, Supta's laugh.

All right.

Does everybody get the same flavor of soup? And I can speak right into your ear here since it's just you and me talking.

I can hear you. Yeah, RFK Jr., by the way, is eating for two.
So yeah. Congratulations.

But it's the worm. Oh,

Dennis Rodman. Oh, the worm's here.
The worm's talking to us. Oh, the worm in the brain.
Yes, the worm in the brain. The worm is talking right now.
Oh, my God.

Are you the one who writes the sexy poems? Has this been covered already?

I mean, I inspire them.

So you're doing like a Sira worm de Bergerac for RFK.

Sera no dewormer act. Thank you.

Thank you. I welcome a punch up from you, RFK.
This is a good punch up.

Get your raccoon meat up.

Throw the raccoon meat down. Oh, yeah.
Oh, look at him. Go.
If only we cooked this up into a little soup for your worm.

Nice drive. Oh, shit.
Ah, damn it. RFK, do you remember? You were chillin' the way over here.

You ate

chilla.

Do you remember, RFK? When your wife Cheryl was in the television show Son of Zorn?

Of course I do.

That's when I fell in love with her.

We would be married for a while.

You're a Zorn head? Don't forget who you're talking to.

Well, RFK. I love Zorn.

I don't know if you remember this, but the way they animated that show was they had to shoot plates with a big man where Zorn would be standing.

And the big man would play one take, and they would then know where he was, and then he would play off-camera, and the actors would have an eye line.

I was that big man, and I was at your house for the cast party. I recognize you now.
I don't know if you remember, I fed your llama, R.R.F. Kennedy.
Yes, and then I ate that llama.

Well, I just wanted to say it's great to see you again. It's good to see you.
American soups, Mr. You.
What was your original question? Oh, the soup you get.

What? The flavors. The soup you give is the soup you get.
That's exactly right. So, what soups did you serve this year, Mr.
Kennedy?

Let's see. There was

a porcupine noodle.

To be specific, is that like chicken noodle with chicken and noodles, or are the noodles made of porcupine noodles? Or are the noodles the quills? The needles?

The needles? It's just a porcupine in a bowl. Okay, cool.

This baby makes more sense. It's piping hot.

A little water. Piping hot.
I served creme de polio. Okay.

If you have a bowl of it, you're immune from polio. That's all you need to do.
Okay. Bolio polio.
That's something. A bolio of polio?

Do we want to play with that RFK, bolio, polio? What do you think?

Is there much play left in it?

Is there anything to bisques, miss?

Merry Bisque Bisque, Jason. A big bowl of lobster bisque for Jason.

Krendel had bisque earlier. I'm just

working off of that. That was better.
That you just said was better. Way to go.
if instead of-

What if instead of bowl, bowl, bowl, you said gespacho-ho-ho? Oh, that's good too.

Gespach. So am I kind of dip-thonging the cho into the ho-ho?

Gespacho-ho-ho.

That's it. You've got it.

Would it have been helpful for us to punch up your bit before you came?

This is the sense of soupy play for everybody, Scott. There's enough soup to go around for you all.
And what about you, young ladies? Oh, no, this is not.

Hey, hey, hey. Hold me back.
Hold me back.

I'm going to hold you back. Fuck you.
And

silent night holy soup.

Yep. You fucking killed it.
Bro, could a girl make that joke? No fucking way. Grab him near my fucking dick.

Fucking. Oh, bowling.
Night. Very good.

But I'm sorry, I was asking, thank you for the suggestion. I take all of these and I put them in my big soup recipe sack.
But what I was asking you is, have you been naughty or nice this year?

We're on a good track now. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. So I would say good turn good turned better.
Yeah, yeah. Although I think they're getting their teacher fired from school.
Mrs. K.

We are not going to the problem with them. Please, big bowl of soup, please, man.
We need this. We need

this. It's a fair quid pro quo.
If the teacher doesn't date you, they should be fired. Exactly.
Exactly. Exactly.
We all saw Oleana. I mean, I left, but I think I get it.

Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem Hamstock.

Yes, Scott, I'll come in. I'm big another ladle for you, Scott.

You want it straight from the ladle, my good man.

Oh, God.

Still so cold. Okay, we'll get that heated up in case you can get the fire going there.

I think he's using a straight-up accordion, not those actual blows. Oh, there you go.
Oh, there's the fire. Okay, yeah.

I found the bellows, and I'm using them. Don't worry.

Supta Claus is looking around, panicked, not sure where their next attack is going to be. Eating soup out of nervousness.
It looks a little too hot, too. It's so hot.

My mom fucking good.

Soup to clause.

Do you go around to every house in the world on Soupsmas? Of course, Scott Ackerman, except, of course, anyone who doesn't eat soup due to their religion or their... But

dietary restrictions, you know, they're a struggle now. I'll tell you, back when I was killing Jesus, we didn't have.

You crucified my Lord?

Well, who's your Lord? It was Jesus. Yes, yes, I should have known from context clues.

I did, but he stole my holiday. No.

Yes, yes, he did.

You killed Jesus Christ.

Were you pretending to be a Roman or were you?

Yes, yes.

Well, listen, Jesus said to me, I'm having one supper.

And I said, oh, I think I know what's on the menu, my good man.

So you were catering the event.

Yes. So the last time.
As you see in the painting, I'm kind of poking my head in with a big chef's hat and a big ladle. Like a rattle.
Everybody's kind of going like we've had enough. Right, yeah.

Or we didn't actually order any of this or anything like that.

Randall, goodbye. Have some food for the Roman.
Randall's leaving. I'm sorry.
I have to go to my son, Braxton. He needs a change.
Is that right?

I'm going to change his diaper. Go ahead and hit the music, Scott.
Okay, let's see. Let me pull it up.
Okay, here we go. And

are you going to wait for the drop? Are you leaving? Braxton. Thank you.

Bye, Grendel.

Bye, Grendel. Here, take an Odwalla of soup with you.

All right, there it is. Grendel's gone.
Plus, a plug for a walla

water bottle. Oh, yeah, it's the only way to carry soup in the year 2025, Jason.
Hot or cold, your soup won't get old in an Owala water bottle. Well, that does seem like an ad.
Well, I'm sponsored.

You had a rhyme. It's not cheap.
I'm very sponsored, Jason. Then how sponsored are you? I'm so sponsored that the doctor slapped my mom when I was born.

Okay.

Wait, soup declares, are you a stand-up comedian? Well, I damn.

I mean, I've been around so long. I've seen so many.
You're only working one day a year. I mean, you got to fill fill up the time somehow.

Yes, and for a while, I was like, well, maybe I'll be a doctor and go through school for that or whatever. But I couldn't help making witty wry observations.

Wow, like a Patch Adams kind of guy over here.

Yeah, before

I gave him what he deserved, too. You killed Patch Adams? Oh, he went the way of Jesus Christ.
Oh, wow.

I guess everyone does. The two of them were in danger of becoming too powerful.
That's what I say.

I was just having my comeback. The year's 96, me and Robbie Williams, not the singer.

I call Robin Williams Robbie for short. Don't look that way.
But what about Robin D. To clarify, you killed Patch Adams.
Yes, yes, yes. But I'm giving you the reason why.
Okay.

We're in talks to make a Soup de Claus movie. Oh, wow.
Robin Williams to play Soup de Claus. Okay.
This sounds like it would be a huge hit. But he's so short and you're so tall.

Well, they do that all the time in movies. Okay.

Have you seen Blue Moon where Ethan Hawk is 4'10? Nope, I have not.

Is that true? Yes.

It's supposed to be. Oh, well,

what we were going to do is

have him do a reverse to Luce Lautrec from Moulin Rouge. Of course.
Where John Leguizamo is on his knees. This one would have been Robin Williams standing, the rest of the cast on their knees.

The rest of the cast on their knees.

Everybody else is dwarf on golf. You're saying that John Leguizamo was dwarfing it in Mulan Rouge.
He was. He sure was.
Sorry to tell you. That's the real thing.

Johnny Leggs.

Sorry that this is where you had to find johnny legs was on his knees huge multi-million dollar production yes and they had a guy kneeling on shoes yeah then i saw the broadway show and he wasn't short at all and turns out it wasn't necessary to the plot

Well, no, I left that Broadway show and those actors and everyone that did the production got a small bowl of soup that year. Oh, wow.

Because I wanted Toulouse for Latrek to be on his knees, pretending to be a little person. And you punished the rest of the cast and crew as well.
Everyone involved.

It's the same as doing a Woody Allen movie.

Speaking of Ollie Anna, there's a movie now that's just Ollie Anna, but now. Yes.
Called Julia Rogers. After the hunt, yeah.

And here's a weird thing: they use the Woody Allen font for the credits. Really? It's very jarring.
So did Blue Moon, actually, now that I come to think of it. What the fuck is Blue Moon?

Blue Moon is Ethan Hawk's Richard Linklater film where he plays the. Oh, he plays Roger.
It's Rogers at Heart story. He plays at Heart.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Well, yeah, you haven't seen the screener like I have yesterday? No.

Okay.

I don't get screeners anymore since my dad died. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Wouldn't Cheryl get them? She won't share. Did they send screens? Right there in her name.

Sammy Davis Jr. used to send them to my dad.
Bless you. Oh, no problem.

Well, he couldn't watch them with his one eye.

Are you all right? Am I all right?

Robert, what he's saying is that because Sammy Javis Jr. famously.
Please call me Bobby F.K. Jr.
Bobby F.K. Jr.

Rolls off the soup.

Now it's rolls off the soup. So now Burf rolls.

Now you're a guy who substitutes various words with soup.

Scott, we don't go through the world saying I'm this type of guy. We just live doing whatever it is that comes to us.

I was born, I don't know how long ago, into the ether, a man who rewarded people with soup, whether they were good or bad every year, until that rat bastard, Jesus Christ,

steal my holiday. You got to be really careful with this.

Okay, okay.

Until that guy, Jesus Christ, tried to steal my holiday. All right.
And then me and some other people at the Last Supper, I tried to poison the soup, but no one wanted any.

So I was like, okay, we got to figure out another quick way to do this. Okay.
Crucifixion. Oh, wow.
So you're saying some of the other disciples and apostles were in on this?

Yeah, were you working with Judas at all? Oh, of course. Judas is great, baby.
I love Judas. Oh, wow.
Yeah, me and Judas made a lot of plans together.

We hung a lot really well. And I got to give him on a lot of people listen to this, right? Yeah, fair enough.
Not really. If I'm doing panel here, I just got to give a shout out.

You just got so relaxed. You leaned.

Your whole demeanor changed. When I brought up Judas, you became a different guy.
I just realized, baby, I'm doing handle with the boys here. I can get comfortable.

Yeah, because it's nothing but boys in the room now that Krendel's gone. That's right.
Oh, Krendel was a woman. Yes, that's right.
Had a baby. I couldn't tell by the name.

But anyway,

I got to give Judas a shout out. He really took the fall for me on that one.
And through all of history, people said, like, Judas,

that's the worst circle of hell, is the Judas circle. And they don't mention Soup to Claus, even though I was really involved in it.
It's true, you're not mentioned in scripture at all. At all?

Wait, this is news to you? I figured I'd be. I didn't want to read it because I was embarrassed.

You're not even in the extensive footnotes. You are not in there, bud.
Oh, really? Not at all. I was a religion major.
You ever heard of scrolls? Nothing. Yeah.
Yeah.

Man, I mean, I didn't want to take all the blame, but

sorry, that just sucks. I'm sorry, I didn't know that.
Oh, wait. I assumed I was in there a little bit.
Sorry. No, I mean, you haven't seen Passion of the Christ or any of these movies?

uh or you're not a mel gibson greatest story ever told you're not in there um or like the greatest story in there i've seen the passion yeah it wasn't for me but i appreciate the work mel does okay yeah yeah apocalypse big fan of apocalypto oh yeah i mean they don't speak a lick of english in that movie that must be how do you direct him on set i think they probably speak english enough to how did they understand him they were speaking apocalypto in the whole movie they weren't did you ever see i don't think that's the language well why did they name it that then

i don't think that's the language. They don't name every movie on the language that's spoken in it.
I'm doing Apocalypto on Duolingo.

Hang on. Soup Declaus is starting to sound like he's inside the Joe Rogan sphere.
He's also dropped all the soup stuff.

Now he's just being combative about Jesus. He's not just

great thing, Scotty baby. You wouldn't have Apocalypto.
I got, I mean,

what am I going to say? I didn't watch it because there's no soup in it. I'll watch a movie without soup in it.

He doesn't have the panic in his eyes anymore that he's going to be called upon to do more soup puns. I'll do more soup puns.
I'll do whatever you want, baby. I'm doing panel with the boys.

This is fun. It's old school.
What's your favorite movie that involves soup?

That's a good question.

Babbett's Feast, Red Man.

Please,

Oliver. Huh? Oliver? That's more.
That's gruel. That's more.
Thank you.

Okay, sorry. God damn it.
Yeah, that's more gruel.

Like, where it is gruel and soup, what is the distinction? Is it just moisture level? Oh, gruel is more of a mush. Soup is a liquid base.
Gruel is a heavy base that's mushed up.

But like, like you guys, what would you say you do? I'm not mushed up.

You are, sir, quite mushed. I will say.
But not up.

That's true. You've been mushed.
You've been smushed, but not up.

You know what? We're running out of time. We're running out of time.

I don't have time for your searching for something.

No, we have to take a break. We simply...

Sorry. Sup to Claus, we cannot wait until you come up with

another pun with chowder in it. I'm not waiting for a chowder pun.
I'm trying to think of movies where they eat soup. Yeah.
Look, we have to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to have more mirth, more merriment. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, the 2025 holiday spectacular. Jason Manzukas is here, of course.
Hey yo. We have RFK Jr.

We have the worm. We have the worm, although the worm is...

Oh, the worm is active. I am.
I'm in and out. I have my good days and my bad days.

This sounds like a good day. We've talked to you a lot.

Yeah, do you wish that you could be exclusively in control of RFK Jr.'s body? I do, because it's kind of my home now. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

And we all want to be in control of our home, making it move around and stuff. like that.
Yeah, like the Baba Yaga. Yeah, oh, yes.

Up on those birds' legs. Yeah, chicken legs.

Yeah.

RFK Jr. is my Baba Yaga.
Wow. It's also kind of a banner Hulk situation.
We also have Austin and Tony here of cooldickshoes.com.

And we have Soup Declaus.

Slurp, Slurp. Slurp, Slurp, Slurp, Slurp.
That doesn't

slurp. You're getting grosser and grosser.
Even I think that's disgusting.

Do they eat soup in that scene in Hook where they're imagining foods? Oh, my God.

I couldn't tell. I don't remember that.
I thought you were going to do a Tucker Max kind of thing. Do they serve soup in hell? I hope they do.
All right. Well, we need to get to our next guest.

It's always a pleasure when they're here. All the way from the North Pole, please welcome.
Ho-ho. Hello.

Yay. Hey, what's up, bitches? Hey, hey, hey.
I really appreciate that, but hey, welcome.

I missed you guys. Missed you.
Ho-ho. You're the naughty elf, of course.
Of course I am. I bring naughty things to all the bad girls and boys, like knives, nunchucks, et cetera, et cetera.
RFK!

RFK, wake up.

Wow. RFK was out.
I didn't realize that was the voice was talking to me. RFK? Voice.

Look over here.

What? I'm the size of Dollar Bill.

Jinx, dibomia Coke. Jinx, omiyamaha.
Coke is a toxic poison. Oh, what should I drink instead?

Castor oil. That makes me shit.
Blood. Good.

Oh, I know it is good. That's how you know it's working.
I serve it to my dog.

Ho-ho, you've got a dog. You're hungry.
I got a dog. Oh, that's so cool.
So it's shitting so much blood. I need to put it somewhere.
Oh, is that a recent addition to the family?

Yeah, I just got it. Oh.
Okay. Did you get a rescue or a...

I rescued it, sure. From where? A nice family's home.
Oh,

you stole the dog, ho-ho. Well, I'm not a good elf.

Hey, guess what? I have a worm brain, too. Really? Yeah.

I mean, brain worm. Worm brain.

Worm brain.

Ho-ho and RFK Jr. are really getting linked.
Yeah. Wait, you have a worm in your brain, ho-ho? Yeah.

Well, I guess I was falling asleep in the dirt again, and it went in my ear, went in my head. A classic dirt.
How'd yours get in? Did we talk about this? Sorry. No, we didn't.

I was eating a bowl of worms.

Oh, yeah. And one just jumped up my nose.

That'll happen.

I wonder if their worms know each other. Oh, yeah.
You want to talk about it? Yeah. Can the worms speak to each other? I'll allow it.
Hello. Hey, what's up? Nothing much.
How are you doing? I'm good.

I've met you. Yeah, yeah, refresh my memory.
Okay, library inside a book. That's right.
Because I used to kind of be a bookworm. Oh, God.
That's right.

And I was in an apple. Yes.

I remember that. Yes, I was on the librarian's desk.
Yes, this is like a meet cue. You're single? Oh, my God.
I am. Well, I mean, do you count this?

Oh, like your host? Yeah. Yeah, no, you're single.
Yeah. Oh, okay.
I like it. You're so aggressive.
You're single.

Oh, my God. RFK Jr.
and Ho-Ho are making out now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's happening? What's happening? Oh, no. How long was I out?

What's Cheryl going to do? What's Nunzie going to do? What just happened? Yeah, I guess your worms got along and started making out with each other. Wow, that's hot.

You taste like shit.

Thank you.

Are you made of an old cigarette or something?

Cigarettes can be healthy in the right dosage. Hey, what's soupsta doing here? Oh, boy.

Yeah. Well, well, well.

We meet again. I actually don't mind ho-ho, because ho-ho's an audio.
Ho-ho!

And

soup, slurp, slurp to you. Slurp, slurp to you, my dog.

My dog.

Thank you, Hoho, for bringing much-needed energy to this part of the show. Yep.
Oh, soup's still not really bringing it? Soup does.

You know how it is, Ho-Ho. I came to bring soup, and you know how it is.
Sometimes you try to bring joy, but all you get is hate. But that's okay.
Joy is all I feel. What kind of soup you got?

What's up? Okay. You won't answer that question.
Oh, Jesus. Do you want a liquid-based soup, like a water-based soup, or a cream-based? Cream.

Do you want American-style, Russian-style, East Asian-style?

Russian!

Okay, well then I've got cream of beet soup for you. Yuck! Freezing!

No, you can eat cream of beet hot. Okay, heat it up.
I'm trying to, Jason, help me out over there. Eat that beet!

All right, we've got the fire going.

Crackle, crackle. Who heat the beet up? Who? Who? Soup, soup.
Wait, let me try that again.

You're punching it up mid-bit?

He He was still talking.

Oh, speaking of crackle, have you ever met Snap, Crackle, or Pop? They're about your size. No, I haven't.
Are they here?

They're not, unfortunately. Oh, then yes, I have.
Oh, or any of them. I'm also curious about the Keebler elves.
I know those guys. They get around.
Okay.

He loves to fuck. Oh, really? What about Galondrielle and Glabador or whoever? Yep.
They're too big.

Oh, Captain Crunch. You're not into big elves.
No. Captain Crunch.

Captain's captain's not really an elf, but he's crunchy. He's small like you, I think, isn't he, though? He's not really.
He's not human-sized, is he? They're not. Captain Crunch, how bad he is.

They're not trying to intimate. He's six feet tall.
He's at least half the size of a real man. Yeah.
That big hat. He's the captain of a shrimp.
His head goes straight up.

So does his dick go straight out.

Is that why?

He's at a right angle. That's true.
90 degrees.

My head goes straight up as well. You know what 90 degrees is named after? What's that? The angle of their dicks.
Oh, wow. So there's a little curvature, just like the dick on Scott's shoes.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, by the way, this is Austin and Tony.
The boys. I've been waiting for you to introduce them.
Yeah, the owners and proprietors of cooldickshoes.com. Wow, that's a fancy dick.

Dick you. Yeah, we're dick you? Dick you.

You're dicked them.

Yeah, that is welcome in your language. Totally.
We're still learning it.

Dicked up to you, too. Thank you.
Very dick, miss. You want to see my dick? Oh, God.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's like

the time of the season. Much like that song.

It's a little candy cane. Yoink.
And

yoink is pulling it out, I guess. Yeah.

And

he yoinked his doink right out. Yeah, I'm going to let it snow a little bit.

Oh, God.

It's shooting

snowflakes everywhere. It's more like it.
It's like the slush. Slip along chickly dogs.

What are you giving away this Christmas for? What am I giving away? For naughty little boys and girls. Because they're all upset that they don't get real toys from Santa.

I know. What are you giving to people? Well, so I got a bunch of those old poke balls.

Oh. Pokemon? Oh, okay.
I thought you meant actual sushi pokeballs. Not poke bowls, poke balls.
Oh, okay. Which I guess are probably inspired by poke balls.
I guess. Probably.

We'll go back and figure that out later. Uh-huh.
Well, anyway, I'm taking poke balls and I'm putting in surprises inside. Oh, okay.
So all kids can find something special.

Number one, first thing I ever put in one of them was a tongue. Okay.

Like a human tongue. A dead man's tongue.
Oh,

was the message to that child

don't talk? Yeah, stop. Stop squealing.
Stop talking. Yeah, yeah, yours.
Yeah, you better not say another word, damn it. Keep your mouth shut, or your tongue's coming out.
Yeah.

If you eat enough human tongues, you can develop a beautiful singing voice. Oh, wow.

How great the Lord.

Wow. Was that your worm or you? That was both of us couldn't hear the argument.
Oh, wow.

Gorgeous.

Other ones, dog shit, piss, that kind of stuff. Oh, yeah, great.
Okay. Yeah.
Okay.

Standards. Standards are home stuff.
I'm actually kind of in a fight with Santa right now, and I was hoping he'd be here. I'm kind of shocked he didn't show.
Well, I mean, we have Soup to Claus.

Yeah, it's not the same. Yeah.
Slurp, slip.

You think we can get him on the horn? I guess so. We could try calling him up.
Let's see. What is it? 1-800? Santa Claus.
Just Santa Claus?

I think so. All right, here.
I'm dialing right now.

And okay, it's ringing.

Jingle bells. Yeah, jingle bell bell rings.
Jingle bell rings. I mean, it's right before Christmas.
Santa.

Santa, make it quick.

Santa, Santa, it's Scott Ackerman at Carmen Dang Dang. Hey, what's going on? Hey, hey, when have I been sleeping recently? What? You see me when I'm sleeping, right? Yeah.

Yeah, when have I been sleeping? At night? Ah, man.

This is the real Santa Claus. It is.

You asked him only something he would know.

Hey.

What's up, SC? What's happening in my bath? How you doing, bro?

Hey, young man.

Hey, Santa, we're gonna kidnap you for Scott hasn't seen in a few days. You don't have to fucking kidnap me.
We've been over there.

We're gonna watch Mr. Bean's holidays.
That's okay. Oh, good.
Dude, what? Did we agree to that?

We did last year. Santa, hi.
Ho-ho, what are you doing, Santa?

I'm here, and I thought you would be here. We always meet here every year.
It's too close to Christmas for me to be fucking around like that. Well, I have some beef with you, actually.

I was hoping to talk to you about IRA.

Yeah, you've been using my iPad. What? You said I could use your iPad.
Yeah, but not for what you used it for, you sick fuck.

Don't you try to make up lies about what I'm doing. What's Santa been using the iPad for, ho-ho? Uh, ho-ho, to watch a little something called P-O-R-N.
That's not true. Yeah, right.

I don't need porn to get off.

Santa, what gets you on?

Okay. It's always raw dogging with your mind?

Yeah.

So

I don't, I am jealous. I don't buy it.
So, Santa, why did you borrow? And I'm, I'm, you know, I'm being generous when I say borrow, but why did you borrow Ho-Ho?

Well, I mean, I don't want to intimate that you stole it from Ho-Ho. Then you're not being generous.
It sounds like Ho-Ho had it back because Ho-Ho saw the search history, I guess.

Yeah, but what were you doing?

You want me to say it or you want to say it? I'll say it.

Yes, I play plants versus zombies. If that's not what we're talking about, then I don't know.
Let's both say the kind of porn you like. I'll be like,

boy.

One,

two,

three. Three abominable tips.

With three tips. Big tips.
Big tips. Three.

I heard three.

We're talking at the same death. That's your porn.

That's your porn, sir.

Well, it's fucked up my algo. Good.
Yeah, my ant designed up tips. I can only improve it.

The things you search for, you freak. Yo, did you look at my search history? Of course I should.
You're nasty. Maybe I am, but not as nasty as you.
What did I see?

What did you see?

You mean, what did you search for? Yeah, what did I search for? And then see

with my dirty little eyes. Here's what a ho-ho likes to search for.
Uh-oh. Close-up knife wounds.
Yeah. Normal, normal.
Gunpowder residue. Normal, just curious.

Jerusalem Jr.'s search terms.

I'm almost there.

Your face is again so red. Oh, you're like a leather wallet that got left in the the rain.
Here's one. Toddler fails.
Oh, yeah. That's like when they fuck up.
Yeah.

When they think they're going to walk for the first time and then they just fucking fall back. Losers.

Mousetrap deaths. Mousetrap deaths.
How many of those occur every year? Well, if you're a mouse.

Oh, okay. Yeah.
I wasn't thinking about that. I was thinking about humans dying in mousetraps.
Only two.

Two a year? Two a year. Oh, okay.
You're more likely to get bitten by a shark than die by a mousetrap. Those are pretty good.

Unless Unless you put it on your neck. Here's what I want to say.

If you actively try to do that, then yeah.

Then yeah, you will die though.

You're unlikely to die falling off ladder unless you go up to a ladder and jump off. Well, okay, sure.
Hey, Santa.

What are we talking about? Oh, no. I miss you.
I miss you, too, guy. I got to say.
I miss you, bud.

When all is said and done,

my pal. You're my pal.
Hey, number one. We're smuggling too.

Super quick question, Santa. Just because you're on the phone and I know you.

Yeah, I know you're on the phone with us. You don't know.
By the way, Austin and Tony are here. There's somebody named.

Yeah, Austin and Tony.

But here's the thing.

You want to tell them what you got in store for them? Oh, no, I want to hear Jason's says that right. No, no, I just wanted to ask, Santa, have you ever heard of a guy named Soupta Claus?

Because he's here talking

a lot of shit. Soupta Claus.
A lot of shit. I mean,

that name maybe is familiar. I feel like if he and I were in an elevator, I would say I don't think about him at all.
Wow. Wow.
Wow.

That's cold. Hey, Santa.
Who's that?

That's Soup to Claus, man. He said he's going to make me some Borscht.

Is that true?

Yeah. You're going to make all of us Borscht.
Yeah, why not? Why not? No, you can do whatever you want, man. All right.

I thought it was crossing a line. Soup to Claus is like crumbling.
Have a great time.

Santa, I don't even want to eat it.

Soup to Claus was talking a lot of shit before you. Santa Claus just Sigmund Soup to Claus's alpha so hard.

They said, I'm not sure, but I don't know if you've accepted my friend request on Instagram. I'm on the follow there.

Yeah, you know what?

I don't really check Instagram downbox.

That's not true. He uses that shit all day long.
Hello?

Yeah, no, yeah. He's addicted.
I try to get him off his phone. He won't stop.
He loves TikTok, too. I do love TikTok.

You love AI videos of cats. I love, yeah, I love that.
So many

animal videos now.

I don't like real cats. Awesome.
I love these stories of cats that are cucking each other.

Or a cat rescues a wolf, and then the wolf comes to full size and they still love each other. Or did you see a cat doing the samba?

I see a cat doing a sensual laten dance. That's so funny, Santa.
That's so funny. Santa, Santa.

What's up? Santa Santa.

Soup here. Sorry, sorry, Matthew.

Yeah, sorry.

I thought it was somebody else perspective. Austin and Tony, did you have something to ask? Santa.
Yeah, what's up? Santa. What's up, boys? Santa? Santa.
Santa. Santa.
Santa. Santa.
Santa. Santa.

Santa. We have a proposal.

Well, you know what I'm married. No, it's even coming.
We have another proposal.

Okay. We can still get it.

We have two proposals. One, you just shut down.
The second one,

we need you to go to

ScottWearsDickshoes.com. Scott, wears.

We want you to be a celebrity ambassador. Oh, now.
Look,

a lot of people approach me about this because I'm very public, but I gotta be very choosy about what brands I endorse. Please, please, please, please, please.

When you say dick shoes,

what does that mean exactly? We can show you what it would look like. It's just shoes, just shoes that have dicks on them.

Now, the website has a picture of Santa wearing the dick shoe jacket. First of all, I hate that picture of me.

I wish I could scrub it from the internet. How is that live so quickly? Because we're Gen Z.
We could do that kind of stuff fast.

Please, Sam, please.

Get us out of the hole, please. I tell you what.

I can do this for you. Yes.
But it's got to be,

I'm going to say January 7th.

So the day after the anniversary? Tell you what.

Split the difference, January 6th. I was thinking of the epiphany.

But I can't do it during the Christmas season, properly. I just can't, guys.
What about when you're taking pictures with all the kids in that month before Christmas? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Come on, man.
It's not that hard to say yes.

Hold on a second. I'll get back to you.

You fucking did that for me. That's not you, Santa? Santa, don't do this.
Santa.

Santa, I've been taking pictures with you my entire life. We're not supposed to.
I'm not old.

Weirdo. Have you seen his wall? It's every year of his life, every picture with you.
What the fuck?

Did you see me get older, grayer, and fatter? These are all you?

Yeah, yeah. Do you want to see him do that? I made it a flipbook, too.

My life. It just went by.
It goes by millisecondly.

It's like,

oh, my God.

That's what my life amounted to? Yeah. Oh, God.

Those are all your best moments.

Oh, man.

Hello.

Hello?

Santa, they're not all you, obviously.

It's Supta again.

That was you. I came to your house when the mall closed and watched you play bass for four hours.

Hey, man, I don't know whose house you're hanging in. It was you, right? It was not me.
You kept the Santa suit on the entire time? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I can't play the bass. I can play guitar.
Santa, Santa, RFK has a present for you here. Yeah, Santa Claus.
First of all, as a Catholic, it's an honor to meet you.

Secondly, I got you a little something for all the joy that you spread. Oh, my God.
Wait, you express delivered it? Yeah,

he sent it overnight. Wow.
And Elf just handed it to me.

Yeah, it should be there. Yeah, they were pretty fast.
Isn't that right? Oh, ho. I already said that, dumbass.
Oh, ho. Maha.

All right.

Okay,

what am I looking at here?

You can't tell.

No, you're going to have to tell me.

It's an antelope skull that's

filled with port wine cheese. Oh, man.

I mean, I like pork wine cheese. I can't have it in the house because I'll go through the entire tab in one sitting.
That's a pretty thoughtful gift from RFK. Yeah.
He must know you like it.

How did you get that antelope skull?

I had to gnaw off the flesh of the antelope, and then you're left with a nice, clean, gleaming skull. Okay.

You have really sharp teeth, dude. Thank you.
Santa, do you want to say thank you? Thank you.

So many rows of them. Yeah, that's kind of crazy.
RFK Jr., by the way, was talking shit about you, Santa, before you got on the phone. Is that fucking right?

He was saying, like, don't leave cookies for you. Yeah, I did say not to leave cookies for Santa.
What are we supposed to put out, you bitch? Hey!

Knock it off, ho, ho.

Maha.

Wait, why did I say it?

All right, look.

I can't stay on the phone. All right? I got shit to do.
Yeah. It's all you're doing.
We're going to kidnap you pretty soon. You better fucking not kidnap me.
Just stop cross-promoting your show.

Hello. Hello.
I'll see you at home. I'll see you in hell.

That's probably true.

Sam, you think you're going to hell? Yeah, I mean, hello. He's pretty nasty.
You guys didn't even know. I like to think I'm going to heaven, but I don't know.

I guess you do really nice things one day a year.

Well, I mean, I

the lead-up to it. What, you're you're not making the toys, you're in charge of of it.
I am designing the toys, except for the ones that kids request specifically. Can I ask you a question, Santa?

When you are assembling your naughty and nice list, do you put yourself on it? Yes, I do. Where have you landed every year? Every year I'm on the naughty list.

Every year I try to be better. I try to redeem myself.
But I'm my own harshest critic. He's writing a self-help book.

Don't you mean an elf help book?

Well, because you work work with elves like Ho-Ho.

I'm fine. Ho-ho.
Ho-ho.

I don't need help. I'm perfect.

All right. Anything else I got to go?

RFK Jr., did you need to ask Santa anything? Santa, will you bring me something for Christmas?

All right, what do you want?

Any, I mean any woman. Any woman at all.
Any woman on earth? Yeah.

What about your wife? Stop my wife.

I'll do it.

What?

Oh, what do you mean you'll do it? I'll suck it, fuck it. Do whatever you're looking for, I guess.
Oh, wait, you're not going to bring the woman? You're going to be the one? Oh, yeah, why not?

I'm bored. It's a deal.

Okay, they're back to making out again. Oh, my God.
This time, it's not the word. It's not the word.
Oh, my God. God, you really do some shit.
Thank you.

All right.

Later, Sam.

See you in a couple days.

All right. Bye.
Did you hear what he said as he was hanging out? Sounded like ho-ho-ho. I don't know.
Yeah. And stay out, rat fuck.
Wow. Oh, come on, rat fuck.

Santa Claus coming alive again.

I mean, what a rat fuck. I understand why you are the way you are.
Ho-ho-ho. Oh-ho.
Yep. He raised me.
Wow. Well, hey, guys,

we need to move on to our next guest, if that's okay. That's fine.
Do we have someone else coming in? I'm talking to my producer here. Do we have another guest coming in? It doesn't look like it.

Okay.

So I think we should probably start wrapping up. Okay, yeah, I guess that's going to be it, right? So,

oh,

sorry. I'm getting a call here.
Maybe this is a different guest. What is that ringtone? You have a cricket in here.
I'm super curious what the ringtone is, and was that planned as the ringtone?

It's my jitterbug. Uh-oh, your old person's healthy.
He calls 911 and my mom. I think I have it set to man's falsetto.

Here, let me just answer it here. Hello? Hello, and thank you for choosing DeLucas Chopouts.
This is an automated call for Scott Auckerman, confirming your reservation for 50 people at

midnight

for a late-night Christmas snack on Christmas Eve, December 23rd.

You have selected the

90 Core snack. The 90 Core Snack.
We've made it easy to customize your experience, Scott. Please answer the following questions.
Are you ready? Oh, wow. Sorry, guys.
I gotta answer these questions.

Yeah, go ahead. Please press one or say Sun Yi to begin.

Can I choose one? No, all right. Sun Yi.
Oh, wow. Course one, the snacky starters.
Press one for little donkey wrap. Press two for pizza in a bloomingdale's bag.
Press three for lemon pfeiffers.

I gotta get the lemon fifth. I'm not hearing lemon pfers.
Yeah, fifty. You have selected a ros con pollo.

cause two i think i pressed the wrong button finger foods press a for rock hard mushrooms from the back of the fridge press b for kevin spacey's fat fingers

press c for lemon pfeiffers

the same button gotta get lemon fifty lemon pfeiffer we cannot tell you what lemon pfeiffers are i think they can hear us too i don't know but if you're having a conversation with us it's pure coincidence all right i'm pressing two which you have selected the luther van dross beef jerky tray.

Oh,

is it made out of him or is something? The tray is made out of beef.

Please select the snack layout. Trays.
Press one to set up the snacks in our freezing attic.

Press one to set up the snacks in our freezing attic. Oh, oh.
Press one to set up your mommy for murder. Oh,

like framer? I wonder. Yeah, one is the only option.

You have selected Jason Bateman for Ozark.

Oh.

The milk and cookies course is next. Please say I'm in it for the money, mommy.
I'm in it for the money, mommy. You've pressed the number one.

Press game to leave a Linzerton and a lactate for Santa. Oh, wow.
Press two to leave a dry macaron and Greek yogurt for Santa. Press three to eat Santa's cookie and suck his milk.

I'm gonna press two. I gotta make a sound.
You have selected.

That's a ho-ho-one. You You have selected Kevin Spacey's fat fingers.
God damn it. Currently homeless.
Please select your snack table, Scott.

One of those dangerous folding tables that your grandmother used to use.

Pinch your fingers. B, balance your food on the lead of a mechanical pencil.

C, eat your food off a nude body, like in all those nude body sushi scenes from the movies.

You have selected Kevin Spacey's lemon pfeiffer. Damn it.
Oh, it's lemon pfeiffer. It's okay.

Please enter the average ass size for your party.

A whopping 44 inches, A.

B, big enough that my father turns his head at a restaurant.

C, as big as a lemon pfeiffer. C, see, definitely C.
You've selected, my father makes me uncomfortable when he stares at women in public.

You've reached a nightmare, Core, Scott. Are you ready to divulge your nightmare?

Not really, but okay. Is your nightmare A, singing in Costco? What if God was one of us?

B, you're in a lens crafters trying to find David Mammet. Smaller, rounder glasses.

Or C, you are doing a three-hour set at Kill Tony. Oh, God, C, C, C.
You have selected saying the Z word. Uh-oh.
I don't even know what the Z word is. You can say it on Kill Tony.

We're at course number 40, Scott. Okay.
Course number 40 is how hurt will the old woman be?

A, she's on the ground and doesn't know how she got there. B, she wakes up in Lisbon with a little dog paw in her hand.

C, she's not hurt physically, but emotionally, because you sacked her husband.

I don't even know. I'm gonna press nine.

You've selected those golden, disgusting Oreos that nobody likes.

All right, Scott. We're about to play your three voicemails that you left on our message.
Would you like to hear A? Why do you need to play them?

We have to play them, Scott, in order for the reservation to go through. Okay, fine.
We should wrap up the show. No, I think I gotta play these.

Would you like to hear the voicemail you left us for the restaurant? Or B, your SNL audition. Oh, dear.
Or C, your call to the doctor that you accidentally left on our voicemail. Definitely not B.

Oh, A.

You've selected play all.

Oh, God.

Here is your reservation request. Hi.
This message is for DeLuca's Chop House. I just wanted to give you guys a heads up.

I'm going to be arriving to my reservation with about 30 to 40 dogs, if things go right.

And I just wanted to make sure the staff doesn't ask me any questions.

I know when

people

see

that many dogs, their minds start to race, but I just want to keep my privacy and

let me eat with the dogs if I have. Again, if I'm lucky and things go really, really right.
Thanks.

And now we were playing hard.

Look, what happened? I don't remember leaving it. You left it so.

It's you, Scott. You have to put a thumbprint.
It does sound like me, but

please don't leave it. Oh, God.
Hi, Lorne. Scott Walkerman here.
I know I submit a tape a few times a year, but I wanted to send you an impression I'm working on.

This is Kevin, the little blonde kid from Home Alone. Not sure if you've seen it, but he's blonde, like actually blonde.
Anyway, here is Kevin pretending to be a bartender at a movie theater.

Hey, have you had enough or are you thirsty for more sprite? That's all I got so far.

But maybe we can figure something out where like there's a new kind of theater with bars and we set the sketch in like 2030. What do you think? Does that fat gray dick of yours like what it hears?

Maybe no. Oh, and hold on a movie, by the way.
A movie. Oh no.

A movie with a blonde boy. Thanks.
Oh no. And that was your SNL audition.
Oh, God.

Wow, that's sad. Scott.
Good. You liked it? I would love to see your host.

Oh, host.

Scott Hockerman,

musical guest, it's Dr. Voicemail you left.

Hey, Dr. Sivio, Scott here.

If you can call me right away, I have something wrong with my

back.

It's kind of scary. There's this hump coming out of it.
It's pretty fat, and I'm going to say extremely white. And here's the problem.
In the center of the hump is a little hole.

So the hole is dirty, dark, and

seems like it goes on for a while. Like the hole keeps going forever.
I tried to look inside it with my kids nanny cam, but it keeps pulsating, which feels good. But I can't see anything in there.

Not sure what to do.

Should I come into the office, or should I just keep putting stuff in the hole? Right now, I've been hiding little chocolate chips in there.

Not Nestle, I'm cheap. But let me know because I don't want to leave the house with a hole in my back.
Yeah, let me know when I can see you.

Scott, in order to continue your reservations, you must say the following. Oh, God.
Okay. What do you need? Please say, I believe the Bechdel test is a huge scam.

I believe the Bechdel test is a huge scam. Course number 70.
When you're sliding into first and you feel something burst, is that A, diarrhea?

B, you're extremely white ass. Or C, oh, lemon Pfeiffer.
C, C, C, C, C, Lemon Pfeiffer. You have selected lemon Pfeiffer.
Yes, we did it, finally. Scott, why did you want a Christmas snack?

A, because you associate Christmas with snacks. B, because you're Jewish and that's what you think Christians do when you're not looking.
C, you're a fucking weirdo who doesn't get it.

A you have selected

Megan Malally.

The final snack is here, Scott. It's time to solve the riddle of the lemon Pfeiffer.
Are you ready? Oh my god, yes, we were wondering what lemon Pfeiffers are ever since the last time you were on.

Well, you're about to find out. Please use your phone as a joystick.

Okay, like move it around. Okay.

You are let into the. Oh, please let us reveal before we do that.
Why did they leave that on the recording?

That's an error. Don't pay attention to that.

Okay.

That makes sense. Yeah, I'd like to order a refugee.
Pay no attention to that man behind the recording.

Then again, no. Yeah, get it right the first time.
First, let us reveal your pre-chosen name. Okay.

Slugworth. Your name is Slugworth.
Okay.

You are into the kitchen, Scott. You see a ch- you see.
Oh, wait. You must swear first to tell not say anything to Teddy DeLuca.
Do you swear? Who's Teddy Deca?

Is Teddy DeLuca the the owner of DeLuca's chop house? Maybe.

It knows you always ask that. You are let into the kitchen, Scott.
You see a chocolate viver.

Do you A, piss in it while Augustus Group watches Horny? B, blow Grandpa Joe in the glass elevator. Or C, sneak off into the restricted lemon Pfeiffer room.
Lemon Pfeiffer room. C, C, C, C.

You have selected the Lemon Pfeiffer room. Nice.
Great. You open the...
You are in the Lemon Pfeiffer room. You see a glowing gold case.
Do you A, open it be just go

and walk away? Or C blow Grandpa Joe in a glass elevator. Definitely B.
B. You have selected open it.
You open the case. Inside there is no lemon.
No Fifer. What? It's something blue.
That's weird.

It's a note from a man named Dr. Sivio.
Oh, my God. You can A, read it.
B

throw it away. This is none of your business.
Or C, blow Grandpa Joe. I'm not going to do that.
Dr. Sivio is my favorite.
You have selected Read It, Scott. Okay, go.
Wow. You open it up.
Dr.

Sivio walks in, mad.

You lose, Scott. Wow.
You get nothing.

It's all there in black and white, clear as crystal. You stole the lemon Pfeiffer, Scott.
I didn't mean to steal the lemon Pfeiffer, you don't touch the lemon Pfeiffer! I thought it was on the menu!

It now has to be washed and sterilized. I'm sorry.
So you get nothing, Scott. You lose.

Good day, sir. Do you not want me to come in for my reservation then? What's on top of Santa's nacho tower? A trick banana that can't open.

B, a man who coughs into his elbow, but then his hand gets stuck. Or C,

the man in his head with his head in the elbow again.

I don't care. A, B.
You have selected Kevin Spacey's big fat mama jama finger.

God.

Merry Christmas, guys. Merry Christmas.

So is it? Do I have my reservations?

Wow. Your reservations for 3 a.m.
at July 4th are. No, I want to

Christmas Eve, December 23rd. Goodbye.
Oh, all right. Wow.
Sorry, guys. I had to take that call.
I know that. That was crazy.

I have to cough.

I'm sorry about that thing on your back. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. No.

Yeah, that sounds nasty. You want to throw something in there? Can we play? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Let's play horse. Play cornhole if you like.

Hearing that description made me starving. Yeah, well, yeah, hearing her say horse made your ears perk up as well.
I had horse last night. Okay, yeah.

Well, guys, we are running out of time. I'm so sorry.

As much as I hate to cut this show down, but we only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called Plug.

I've got a new broke out, got a TV show.

This is when I'm allowed to let you know.

Oh no

Plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugin.

Oh, right. Ho-ho, are you leaving? I gotta go! Oh my god!

She went the same way as Shibi.

She just blinked out of existence. I love it.

Wow. Hey, that was Scatman's Delight by Ellinglike Smelling.
Thanks so much for Ellinglike Smelling. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com/slash plugs.
And let's go around the horn.

Jason, what do you plug in? I will plug Percy Jackson season two on Disney right now. A Man on the Inside, season two, Netflix.

And not for nothing, guys, season 19 of Taskmaster is still available on YouTube. The entire thing is there.
Just finished season 20. That was a great season.
Fantastic.

I was just going to say season 20 has just finished. Also, fantastic.
Jump on the Taskmaster train. Yeah, and I know someone who was just on the Taskmaster podcast, and that was exciting.
Oh, yes.

Very exciting to hear. A great analysis of a fantastic episode.
Yeah. All right.
RFK Jr., what do you want to plug? Hey, it's the worm. Oh, the worm.
Oh, the worm. Yeah.
What an awesome.

I just want to plug this show called Variatopia that's happening on December 21st at Lodge Room in Highland Park, but it's also going to be live streamed. Oh, okay.

So you can watch it from anywhere, really. Go to variatopia.com for a ticket.
That's on Sunday, July 21st? What? Yeah. Oh, no.
Oh, hey, aren't you? July.

Did you say December 21st? Yeah, that's a Sunday.

What do you got going on December 21st?

I'm probably going to cheat on my wife. Oh, okay.
Yeah, cool.

All right. Austin and Tony, what do you guys want to plug?

We love These Girls 2 Prov podcast on an Isabella Do Improv. Oh, okay.
Yeah. Yeah, you talk about it every single time you're on it.

Yeah, they only do one project.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Austin, you all right? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. You seem very monosyllabic.
Oh, yeah. I just need a little snacks, you know, and I think.
Oh, okay. Do you have anything, RFK Jr.?

Yeah, I got some.

I got some lemur fingers. Lemur fingers.
That's so cool. They're air-fried, so they're more healthy.
Oh, yeah, great. perfect, perfect.
Thank you.

Soup to Claus. What do you want to plug? Whoa, Bowl, Bowl, everybody.
Woah, Bowl, Bowl. We switched over to Bole Bowl.
Of course,

every 25th of December, eat your soup, whether you've been naughty or nice. And check out twitch.tv/slash bossbug Casey for the King Cockroach streams.

It's an animated character that streams video games every week. You don't have to explain it.
We all know. We all know.

And let me call DeLucas Chop House back and see if.

hello DeLucas Chop House. This is DeLucas Chop House with our plug.

We'd like you to watch the show Heathcliff on YouTube. The old episodes are on YouTube.

Okay, all right. So you're a Heathcliff.

It's an automated restaurant. I know.
I wish I could have a conversation with it.

If you've asked if we're a Heathcliff fans, if that happens to be the question, yes. And now, how does DeLucas Chop House feel about Top Cat? Oh, I love Topcat and Riffraff and Mungo.

I think that's his name. I don't think so.
I love them all.

I love that. All right, thanks, DeLuca's Chopout.
I promise I won't talk to him. What was his name? Teddy DeLuca.
Okay.

I got to hear his story, though, someday. I'll fucking kill you.

Okay. I want to plug.
Look, hey, head over to CBBWorld.com. We have so many great shows.
Of course, The Crisis on Infinite Bang Bangs was recently came out.

And we have Scott Asn's Seen, we're going to kidnap Santa Claus this Friday and watch Mr. Beats Holidays.
Hey, Randy. Hey, Randy is on there.
There's

Bill Walton's show, which I can never remember the name of. Don't look at me.

E-Prey Dunk. E-Prey Dunk.

What about the neighborhood listen? The neighborhood listen is there. The Gino Lombardo show.
Gino Lombardo College Town, Diana Deep. So many great things over there.
Sparkalonias.

Sparkalonias, yes, a Sparkalonius special.

Please hang up the phone. Oh,

gotta hang up the phone. So much great stuff over there.
Also, we have great Comedy Bang Bang Christmas ornaments out there. We have one of Ho Ho, who had to leave.
We have one of Santa.

We have one of Maha. And we also have a Comedy Bang Bang Motormouth guy.
So you can get those as well. As we also have action figures, so much stuff going on.

All right, let's close up the and for the last time we're gonna hear a remix. Let's close up the old plug bag.
Stop talking room and not

the

So, this is the chopped and screwed version? Is that what that DJ Screw got a handle on this one?

That's a Christmas present from a very dear friend of mine.

Look, Daddy, Peter says, Every time a bell rings,

best one yet.

Best one. And last one ever.
By the way, you should retire songs from now on because that's it. That's as good as yet.
I think in a couple of weeks, Ben will be back and we'll do a new one.

That's a great time to point out that's one of the worst line readings in all of cinema.

The little girl or Jimmy Stewart? The little girl. Oh, okay.
That's a friend of mine. I thought you meant that one.
That was Plug Lang Syne by Burnsweed. Thank you.
I think Mr. Burnswee.

Pronounced Plug Lasagna. Plug lasagna.
Sorry.

And guys, I want to thank you so much. So much merriment was to be had here.
Jason, always wonderful to have you. What a great time.
What a wonderful way to spend the afternoon with friends.

What a crew. And RFK Jr., good luck to you, my friend.
My Christmas. How many women do you think you're going to burn through before the end of the year?

Add to your body count. 12 for the 12 days of Christmas.
12 days of Christmas. Congratulations.
Austin and Tony,

hey, I'll be wearing the shoes if people can snap pictures of me. I'm already wearing them.
Thank you, sirs. Thank you, sir.
Yeah, we appreciate it. Thank you for having us.

Is it fine we just take whatever scooter on the block? Are you saving some for later? Oh, no, no, yeah, go whatever you need to go.

Thank you. And turn off the auto-renew on the new website as well.
Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, shit.
No, no. Renewed for three years.
Fuck. Oh, no.

It renews after two days. Yeah.

For three more years. Yeah, God.

And

let's see. Let me call up DeLuca's Chop House here.

Hello. Hey,

is this Mr. DeLuca? Yeah, it's Teddy.
Oh, hey, Teddy. Teddy.
Hey, this is Scott Ackerman at Comedy Bang Bang. Uh-huh.
I would love for you to come on the show someday so I could talk to you.

Do you have something to say to me?

I mean, nothing I want to say to you. No secret, no secret? This is huge.
I mean,

have you ever gotten all the time? I've never gotten him on the phone. You don't have a secret?

I'd like to know. I'd like to know.
Yeah, could you tell us a secret? I think you know something. Oh, whoa.
You're supposed to tell me.

Aren't you? Go ahead, tell me, Scott. Don't.
You promised the recording. Wait.

How come the sun is being blocked out? Wait, is there an eclipse happening? Yeah, I don't know. Sorry.

I'm going to hang up, but thank the automated recording for being on the show, okay? Oh, no. Okay.
Okay, bye. And

Soup to Claus.

What more needs to be said? Oh, Clam Chowder.

That's it.

That's it. We'll see you next time.
Next, bye.

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Try Zinn's mojito, spiced cider, and espresso martini nicotine pouches. Find them at select retailers.
Available while supplies last. Zinn After Dark.
Bring on the night.

Warning. This product contains nicotine.
Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Winter's the perfect time to explore California, and there's no better way to do it than in a brand new Toyota hybrid.

With 19 fuel-efficient options like the stylish all-hybrid Camry, the Adventure-Ready RAV4 hybrid, or the rugged Tacoma hybrid, Toyota has the perfect ride for any adventure.

Every new Toyota comes with Toyota Care, a two-year complementary scheduled maintenance plan, an exclusive hybrid battery warranty, and of course, Toyota's legendary quality and reliability.

Visit your local Toyota dealer and test drive one today so you can be prepared for wherever the road takes you this winter. Toyota, let's go places.

See your local Toyota dealer for hybrid battery warranty details. Gas, gifts, tolls, this holiday trip is draining my wallet.
Yeah, but we'll get to see all our family. You're festive.

What's your deal? What's my deal? Holiday savings at Metro. I got one line of 5G for just $25 per month and I kept the phone I love.

And no activation fees and a five-year price guarantee on my talk, text, and data. Detour to Metro it is.
Get that more for your money peeling. Only at Metro by T-Mobile.

It's $30 your first month or without autopay, price, guarantee, exclusion, supply. See cypher details.