Bones Are Important (Kumail Nanjiani, Will Hines, Charlie McCrackin)

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Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Ah, thank you to Tommy Shobiz, the Tommy Shobiz, for that catchphrase submission. Wow, submitted January 7th of 2023.

Congratulations, Tommy Shobiz. Hope you're still alive and still a listener.
And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. This is an exciting week to have a podcast.

I'll tell you that much because we have a panel of experts. I wouldn't even call them experts.

I mean, one of them is definitely an expert in his chosen field, but you consider yourself to be an expert. Me? Yeah.
No. No? No.
What is that? You haven't perfected the craft of comedy itself?

Oh, God. No, that's a project of my life.
On my deathbed, I'll be like, aha, and then I'll die.

You mean, haha? Ha ha.

Finally, I figured it out.

Well, we do have a great panel, and I'll get to our guest of honor here in just a second. Coming up a little later, we have someone in law enforcement.

We also have a charity organizer. So

an exceptional panel for our first show of December. But let's get to, you heard him speaking not moments ago about his desires upon his death.

But let's talk about his life because he currently has...

We're on the precipice of the release of an incredible comedy special called Night Thoughts, which reaches Hulu on December 19th. That's when it arrives?

Yeah, I'm told that's when it's when they get it. That's the delivery day.
You know, I've been tracking UPS. Sometimes they fuck it up.
Right. But I'm hoping.
They seem pretty confident.

So, you know, it may not get there till the 21st or something like that.

No, I hope it is. I mean, the 19th, really.
I think it's like in Wisconsin somewhere right now. Okay.

And I picked like the cheapest option, which is like, it's like a guy. That's why it's so far away from here.
Yeah, I ordered it a month ago. Yeah.
So it's supposed to get there. Yeah.

And they shipped it right away, too. Wow.
Night Thoughts is the special, and it is on Hulu on December 19th.

And I'm looking up how many episodes of Comedy Bang Bang he's in because I want to welcome him into whatever club he is currently on. The first number in my head was six.

He is joining the exclusive Eight Timers Club. I was very close.

I thought this was seven.

You can't call six and eight close. No, I thought this was the seventh.
I mean, if you're thinking of thousands or millions, but it's not possible for you to. I was off by one.

I was going to say, I've done six. This is the seventh.
Like, how many is possible? How many is bought? I mean, how many have you had? Well, we had 900 and something,

980-something. So, in that,

I'm saying if I'm off by one and you've had over 900, that's possible. Yeah, but how many? What I'm saying is, how many is possible? You've probably only done at the most 10.
Yeah.

So to say, like, I'm off by one, how close I was. Well, you, I mean, what are you going to guess? One? You know, it's not one.
Yeah.

I know it's not one. You know, it's between five and ten, right? I'm sorry, Scott.
I hadn't memorized the exact number of episodes I've been on your show for.

Next time, next time you quiz me, I will know. You'll join the Nine Timers Club.
Yeah. But please welcome him to the Eight Timers Club.
Kumail Nanjiani, welcome back. Thrilled to be back.
Thank you.

So wonderful to have you. We love when you make time for comedy bang bang, when you take a break from all of your busy projects.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, I love when comedy bang bang takes time out for me.

That's right. Yeah.
Because we

choose to do one episode a week. You know what I mean? Like, I could just not do it.
Some people do three or four and then they get to the top of the charts. Have you thought about that?

Some people do three or four. That's right.
Mark Maron sort of gamed the system that way and he got all the way to the top and then he's like, I'm too tired of this.

I do one a week and I keep it consistent and I'm not going to quit. Okay.
I love it. I love it.
I think it's cheating to do multiple a week. So do I always be number one.
You used to be a podcaster.

You're not coming. Yeah.
I left both stand-up and podcast right before it got lucrative. I really left both.
Stand-up got lucrative? It is for some people now. It is.
Yeah. Yeah, the touring, though.

Well, I guess podcasting as well. The touring and the podcast.
I mean, people are selling out arenas. People that, like, my mom, there's never been in history.

history every comedian that could sell out arenas, my mom had heard of, except for right now. There's probably like 10 people my mom has never heard of who are selling out arenas.

I'm constantly amazed by the people who,

you know, there's that dropout show with people that I know on it that does Dungeons and Dragons, and they're like, oh, yeah, we sold out Madison Square Garden twice. Yeah.

I've never even heard of it. A lot.

A lot of nerds in New York City. Yeah.
A lot of nerds. We hate New York, right?

I love these fucking nerds.

You and I, you and I both. I mean, you and I both got in super great shape.
Yeah, that's right. Like a few years back.
Yeah, and then now I'm like, fuck New York. I'm in good shape now.

I don't need you anymore. My favorite thing, oh, I'd love to go to an arena and watch stand-up comedy.
I know. I'd love to be so far away.
Oh, so excited. With the sounding echoey.

Yeah, yeah, where they have to wait like 40 seconds to hear laughter. Oh, seems great.
What's the biggest room that comedy should be in, in your opinion, in order to enjoy it? Okay.

The biggest room, I would say, like I would pretty conservative. Like 2,500 is very big.
And it seems good. Okay, yeah.
So, like, the Chicago theater or something like that?

That's exactly what I was thinking of. Okay, that's 3,000, I believe.
Okay. All right.
Well, I don't want to sell the last 500, I believe. Okay, good.
And did you when you were there recently?

I didn't. I did a different theater.
Oh, no. No.
Yeah. Not to Chicago.
How dare you? I did the Vic, which was like

a real personal connection. What's that short for? Vichard? Yeah.

The Vichard Theater, yeah.

So you think about 2,500 is good? I think that's about right. Yeah.

I think so, too. Although,

you know, you see clips of like Steve Martin and Pee Wee Herman doing the Universal Amphitheater back in the day. The two biggest comedians of all time.

Yeah, people seem to enjoy it there, but it was an event. Yeah.
I mean, Steve Martin was the first one to do arenas, right? Yeah. I think so.
And then he stopped, much like Mark Maron.

Because he was game. Yeah, he thought it was too big where people weren't getting the subtleties anymore.
Yeah. Just there to like repeat the jokes he was doing.
He also became a massive movie star.

So that might have helped him. That might have eased that transition.
I've got an off-ramp now, being the biggest star in the world.

Well, speaking of massive movie stars, Kumail is a massive movie star. You were.
I don't know. You were in a movie called The Big Sick, which was a gigantic hit.

And

you're also a superhero in those Eternals things. Yeah, yeah.

Are those guys coming back? Are we going to come back? They're not. They're gone.
The name was very ironic. They named it wrong.

Yeah.

You're not going to show up and see no

expendables. Fucking, they made six of them, and those guys are expendable.
Were eternal that made one?

What? Come on, do it, Secret Awards with Tatiana Maslani being cheese. You know what? I will.
I should have said yes to that.

I don't know why. I was like, oh, Kevin Feige is calling.
Well, no.

I got to work on my stand-up kill. I got Deadpool in it or whatever and turn him into an Eternal or whatever.
I don't care. That would be.

If Deadpool was in our In Eternals, then we would have gotten to do more of them. Deadpool v.
Eternals. That guy's a star.
Yeah.

Well, you know, you were very funny in that Eternals movie, and you also held out your hands going,

I was trying to be serious, Scott. You were no, you weren't.
You had a funny scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You saw it? Yeah, you were the guy

before it ever even came out over there at the

El Capitan Theater in a special screening. Oh, what? Like at the premiere? Before the premiere.

Why did you... Are you like a big comic book fan? Yeah, I am, actually.
Yeah.

But

I was there. I believe Kulop got invited with

some sort of special group. What did you think of it?

I liked it. I thought you were great.
Oh, thank you. I thought you were very, very funny.

You had a great time.

You know, I mean, I could bust out my entire Marvel Cinematic Universe rankings, if you like. Yeah, give me the top.
Give me the top. Number one.
Used to be Iron Man, the first one. Saw

it so good. But I kind of feel like Avengers Endgame was just so good.
Yeah.

Yeah. It had everything in it.
That was a hit. That's number one.
So I think those two are in.

What's the bottom?

Bottom,

maybe,

I hate to say it because our good friend's wife is in it, but Secret Invasion, maybe.

Who's our good friend's wife?

Our good friend Long Legs. You remember Long Legs?

Long Legs is married to...

We didn't get into who Long Legs married the last time he was on the show.

Yeah, we didn't get to that.

Yeah, I did not see Secret Invasion. Well, you know, you don't have to.

You live this life. You know, you're out there.
You probably, do you get the

like, is it like the presidential briefing that he gets on his desk every day of like whatever the Marvel characters are up to?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could tell you what any of them are doing right now.
They've been like taking a break. They're taking a break.
Like Ross and Rachel?

Yeah, they're on a break. Yeah, Thor's like, I was on a break.

Thor. Fucking Thor.
Fucking Thor. Am I right? Yeah.
Did you get to meet Thor? Was he in your movie? I'm trying to remember. Thor was not in my movie.
They bleed. Oh, yeah.
They all bleed together.

He was in Guardians, right? Yeah, yeah. The Guardians were in his movie.
Guardians, Lovin', Love and Sidekicks. What's it called? Love and Sidekicks.
It's called Skidkinkukka. Love and Sidekicks.

Love and Thunder. It's called Love and Love and Sidekicks.
But then you got Blade at the end of your movie. Yeah.

He hasn't come back. And he hasn't come back either.
Yeah. Yeah.
And then that sword. No, you really did watch that.

What's going on with the sword and what's going on with Pip the Troll and all the black men? Yeah, Pip the Troll is another friend of ours. Yeah.
Yeah.

And Harry Stiles. Harry Styles.
Harry Styles. Himself.
Yeah, he was in it. What's going on with all that? I don't think much.

I think that's it. I think that's it.

But if...

Called, will you answer the call? Much like the Lady Ghostbusters.

I think they're just called the Ghostbusters. i don't think they're called the lady ghostbusters i think they amended the title like

lady ghostbusters come on no i think they they it's now like ghostbusters answer the call it is if ghostbusters answer the call a lot like live die repeat became the title of uh edge of tomorrow yeah which do you prefer edge of tomorrow or live die repeat live die repeat to me sounds like a shampoo thing you know it does and i would do that

If a shampoo bottle said,

on the instructions said die in the middle of it, I would just follow it blindly. Yeah.
That's what a sheeple I am. I genuinely do follow all directions on shampoo.
Are you really?

Are you a follower or are you a leader? 100% follower. My wife is a leader.
I'm definitely a follower.

I follow the rules. You're a rule follower.
So am I. It's annoying, isn't it?

There's a lot of them. There's a lot of rules, but I think breaking them is so stressful.
I know, but you're, I mean, there's too many rules.

So you're a fan of deregulation is what you're trying to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And all that that politically entails. I'm into that.

You had a podcast. It was, you had a gaming podcast.
You also had an X-Files podcast, did you not? I did. And what do we think of Pluribus?

Have you watched it now? Because that's, of course, X-Files adjacent, wouldn't you say? Well, yeah, the creator of Pluribus, Vince Gilligans, got his, Vince Gilligans, he got his start on.

Gilligan, just say it like that. Gilligan.
He got his start on X-Files.

He did. He was, I believe, an AD AD on X-Files and then wrote an episode.
He wrote an episode called Drive in season four. Which one was Drive? Brian Cranston was in it.

And when he was casting Breaking Bad, they were like, you want the guy from Malcolm in the Middle? He's like, no, I did this episode with him, and I think he can do this.

That's why Brian Cranston is in Breaking Bad.

Interesting. And then Vince Gilligan segued into playing the police commissioner on an episode of Comedy Bang Bang, the TV show.

That's what he's mainly known for. Incredible, yeah.
I don't know what Pluribus is. Sounds like a made-up board.
I am watching it. I love it.
That Ray Seahorn, she can act. She can.

Now, out of all the actors,

let's rank actors. I would say Ray would be top five.
She's top five, definitely. Yeah.
Who are the other four?

The lady who plays her girlfriend on the show. She's great.
I've only seen her in one episode. She's number two.
No, she wasn't in another episode. We were in the ice hotel.

Just for a moment in that ice hotel.

I looked it up. There are multiple ice hotels.
Yeah, there are. Do you want to go to one? No, it's unique.
It seems like a nightmare. Let's go.
I don't like the how long could the plane?

Do you get to take an ice plane there?

You get to take Wonder Woman in an ice cab

from the airport there.

And okay, so let's see. Other good actors.

Yeah, that Ray Romano from your movie.

I would say he's number six. He's not quite in the top five.

He's great. He's great.
He's phenomenal. What was it like working with him? Did he ever mess up in the middle of the line and go, Debra? He's really.
Oh, no. That's my other show.

How you imagine he is is how he is. Yeah.
Would it surprise you to know that I

took a vacation once and at the hotel, he and his family were there? It wouldn't surprise me because it would be a psychotic thing to make up for you.

Like if you were like, and it wasn't true, what's wrong with you?

Would it also surprise you to, I don't want to give away my assassination location, but would it also surprise you to learn that I once took a vacation and Ed O'Neill was there at the bar?

Not that would surprise you. It would surprise you.
I just don't see you guys going to the same haunts.

You guys have different vibes. Yeah, that's true.
Although I did go see him in a play back when I was 20 years old, and somehow me and my friends finagled an invite to the after party at a bar. And

we showed up to the bar and talked to him and George Wendt. Oh my God.

Everyone else in the play. And when George Went walked into the bar, everyone shouted, Norm.
And then someone gave him a beer and he just kind of like waved everyone. And it was very nice.

And then I worked with him on the comedy Bang Bang TV show and then saw him in another thing and I reminded him of that. And he kind of said, yeah, that happened all the time.

He passed away, I assume. Yeah, recently.
I assume. I don't know why.
Why are you? I mean, you're not. I assume he's gone.

I would think that you read it. I just, I don't know.

If I'm walking in, every time I'm walking to a bar, someone hands me a free beer. I'm not going to last that long.

I mean, he actually lasted a long time.

Yeah, totally. He did.
For that life, he did last a long time.

Well, the special is called Night Thoughts, and you were on a mere year ago, I believe, was your last appearance. With Long Legs.
Is it with Long Legs? That's right. Oh, this was, no, I'm sorry.

This was two years ago. No, one year ago.
Sorry. Back in September.
And you were embarking.

That was the seventh time I did this show. Yes, that's right.
Yeah.

It's going to be ingrained in your memory for the next time you're on.

But you were embarking upon the tour, and then presumably you filmed the tour or one night of it.

Did you film every single night and then edit it together from every single?

Yeah. You remember when Chris Rock did that, where he had like, he was in three different countries? So it would be the setup would be in New York and then the punchline would be in Paris.

I thought it was,

I mean, complex for Beyoncé to do that with two different nights at Coachella. Like ping pong and back.

Different because the whole thing of comedy is, the whole thing is you have to be like, I'm just coming up with this. I'm just saying this stuff.

When you said it in different cities, it just makes you feel like, oh, this guy like sat down and wrote all these jokes and memorized them.

It just highlights how at its core, fucking lame stand-up comedy is.

I don't like, when I go see a stand-up, I hate to think about that stand-up in a different room, like going, like sighing heavily and then opening his computer. Yeah, writing jokes.

It's like, oh, God, how depressing.

I mean, yeah, you don't want to highlight that. Beyonce, you watch it.
You're not like, oh, she's coming up with that at the top of her head. No, and then they're intercutting

footage of the rehearsals and you're like, oh, she works hard. Yeah.

But for you,

you want everyone to think when they go see Kumail that you thought of these things just mere moments before you say them. Yeah.

Like people have come to shows in different cities like the same week and been like, well, it was all the same material. It's like, yeah, man.
I didn't write a new hour since Wednesday.

But yeah, I did two shows at the Vic in Chicago. Oh, you shot it in Chicago.
That's great. And this, you shot it at the Vic instead of the Chicago Theater because maybe the site-wise?

Instead of? Like, there are other theater. I shot it the Vic because

a long time ago, I don't know the dates. I could probably come up with the dates.
I opened for Zach Galfanakis there. I used to open for Zach

on tour. Lovely man, friend of the show.
Of course, he was on earlier in the year, and we said he needed a hit. And then Lilo and Stitch came out.
It was a big hit for him. It was a huge hit.

I think that we had, we played a small part in that. Yeah.
I was

very small. I went through his resume or his filmography and we talked about how he really needed a hit.

Wow. That sounds like a very stressful appearance.

But yeah, I opened for him there and I was like, well, someday I want to headline this venue. And then the next time I played was when I taped my special day.
Incredible story.

Where could this story possibly go after this?

Oh, God, I need a hint.

What was the last movie you were in? Speaking of which. I got one coming out this month, next month.
Really? Yeah. What is it? Ella McKay.
Ella McKay? Yeah.

It's James L. Brooks.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jamie Lee Curtis.

I saw the trailer today a couple of times. What was that like working with James L.
Brooks? Woody Harrelson. Albert Brooks.
Albert Brooks.

AB. Hung out with him.
Did you talk to him? You hung out with him? Yeah. Really? What's he like? Tell me everything.

He's wonderful. He's great.
He knows every single comedy thing. So he was naming, like, he was talking to me about Matt Rife.
I was like, you should not know who Matt Reif. No one should, right?

Well, I'm not saying that.

But it's weird. He keeps up on TikTok and he knows all the new comedians and everything.
So he knew your stuff and

I guess. Yeah, Oh, okay.
It didn't come up, but he did know. Well, it seems like if he was talking about everyone,

you should be included. I am.
If the group is everyone, I'm certainly part of that group. Yeah, but not as much as Matt Reif is.
Yeah, that's right.

I mean, Matt Reif truly was everyone for a little while. That's right.
Yeah, we all were. It was Pluribus, but Matt Reif.
We were really into. Yeah.
I'm really enjoying Pluribus. Are you enjoying it?

I am a lot. Yes.
Very good. Yeah.
It seems to come up every episode that we've done recently.

It's fantastic. You brought it up, I know, so you can't be like, it seems to come up, you're bringing it up.
It's just somehow somehow, every episode we talk about tour of us.

Yeah, you got to stop bringing it up, man. There's a very, very easy fix to this problem.

Um, so what is the role in Ella McKay that you play? So, Emma Mackey's the lead who plays. Guess who she plays? Ella McKay.
That's correct. You've seen that movie.
Do you think that James L. Brooke,

by the way,

thought he was naming the movie after her and got her name wrong.

I think there's like a 30% chance that's true. There's like a quick, there's a little bit of a chance.
Because he's a what a long-storied career.

The Mary Tyler Moore show, The Simpsons, broadcast news, terms of

good as it gets, so many incredible projects he's worked on. But he's, he's an older gentleman.
Do you think he just was like, uh, let's just call it her name, Ella McHay. Yeah, there's a chance.

Um, I play, she's so she's a governor, and I play like her bodyguard cop guy who's like assigned to protect her. Oh, do you carry a piece? I carry a piece.

Do you get to like shoot anyone in the movie? It's not that kind of movie. Wouldn't it be great, though, if the last act

was maybe like full action? She's kidnapped, and you go after the kidnapping movie.

Do we have time for reshoots? We got two weeks before this fucking thing comes out.

Jim, I got a pitch for you. What if she's kidnapped? Yeah.
And then I kill everybody.

And she doesn't make it is there is there romance between the two of you i would imagine hints little hints of romance i actually have not seen the movie okay so you don't know if that made it in or read the script no if you like looking longingly at her in every scene i think there's some of that yeah i think i certainly just there's an attraction there for sure was that just something you added to the part or it was in the script okay i want to be clear i added nothing to the script i said what he told me to say yeah but when you get on set set, you can riff, right?

But James all brought up. Yeah, why not? Yeah.

What if you did?

He actually does love riffing. Oh, does he really? Yeah, he loves it too much.
Oh, so there was a lot of improv in the.

Well, sometimes he gets into it, then he's like, now say this, now say this, and you're kind of like, yeah, this is all great, but it's funny. But I don't think it's going to be in the movie, James.

He likes options, though, right? Who doesn't like options? Who doesn't love options? Who doesn't love... And this is the one movie I directed.

Who doesn't love a seven-hour cut that you have to whittle down? It's like sculpting. You know what i mean like there's a good movie in here somewhere yeah and i somehow have to

find it in the next few months but i i shot a seven or eight hour movie i don't know yeah good luck yeah um but uh that's great lmaka that must be exciting for you so you got a movie coming out that's gonna be a hit you got a hit coming Yeah, I mean, I don't know if it's gonna be a hit, but I'm also in the next season of Fallout.

Do you watch Fallout? Oh, yeah, Fallout's great. Great.
Yeah, what

can you talk about what role you play? I play, No, I don't know.

I play someone in like the Brotherhood. You know, the Knights.
I'm in that crew. Okay.
I play someone in that crew. Do you do scenes with John Daly?

I didn't have any scenes with John Daly. Too bad.
Yeah, I know. What about Goggins? No, I was with Aaron Motin, who's like in that.
I was in that storyline. Okay.

It seems like there'd be a cast party, though, at someone's mom's house afterwards. I couldn't make it.
I could not go to the, I genuinely could not go to the rap party.

Maybe at a bowling alley or something? Goggins and everyone just goggins

have you had him on god no would love to have goggins on he'd be top five he's in the five he'd amazing actor yeah yeah i don't even mean like currently i mean like of all time so you don't like him currently no i i i i'm i'm saying he's great and would be in the top five of all actors who have ever acted okay i i i would go with that yeah yeah he's great who else he makes his face look like a full monster on that show he's so good in followout yeah yeah that's no makeup that's all that's all him He showed up.

Wow, you're really good. I hear that he actually puts on his regular face for other that's his real face.

Yeah, he finally found the right project, I guess. He really did.
He was up for Skeletor for years, but you know, that movie keeps getting pushed. With Noah Centenino.

Is that who that is?

I mean, that is.

Is that who Noah Centenino is? The guy who didn't play? Is he me-man? He was supposed to be. I think it got scuttled or ankled, as as variety would say

but i'm anxiously awaiting it uh no the original he-man who played the original he-man dolph lundgren of course yeah yeah and uh what and what's his name in rocky 4

ivan drago ivan drago that's right that's right he's a uh he's like a phd in chemistry or something he is yeah and he's one of the expendables and he's one of the i saw him recently in real life really that bone structure holds up he looks great.

Bones are important. Go ahead.
What were we going to say about bones? Bones are important.

That is so true. You know what? I've never heard it, but sometimes you hear something and you're like, that is so true.
I can't believe that's the first time I'm hearing it.

I thought bones were expendable. Turns out.

Bones are important. Where do you see a guy like that?

Lundgren? Rungren? Lundgren. You're like that.

Have you seen Clean Slate, that movie? Clean Slate? Oh, yeah, yeah. Dana Garvey.
I love that movie.

Yeah, you're like if that guy ended up in a classroom and oh, I have to like teach kids about biology. Bones are important.

Well, Ella McKay is out soon.

Night Thoughts is out on Hulu, December 19th. I really want to focus on Night Thoughts more than I want to focus on the Ella McKay.
Because Ella McKay does well.

It doesn't change your life.

It's on other people's shoulders. But,

you know, if who else is in Ella McKay, you're saying? Jamie Lee Curtis, Albert Brooks. So if Night Thoughts does well, their lives don't improve or.

Certainly not. Yeah.
No, Jamie Lee Curtis is unaffected by my success or failure. But she might send you a nice note.
She might send me, she actually might send me a nice note. Yeah.

So we want Night Thoughts to do well so Jamie Lee Curtis can send Kumal a nice note. Among other reasons, yeah.
Well, Night Thoughts is coming out December 19th.

Gumale Nagiani joining the exclusive A-Timers Club. We need to take a break, if that's okay.
We have a charity organizer and a person in law enforcement.

This is exciting to talk to someone in law enforcement in this climate. Good.
I am totally on their side no matter what. 100%

law enforcement. All right, we're going to take a break.
We'll be right back with more comedy based on the people. Yep, stop talking about this.

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Comedy bang bang, we're back. Kumail Nanjiani, night thoughts.
Hulu, December 19th. You ever think about getting back into podcasting now that it's so lucrative?

Yeah, but what should my podcast be? I already did video games and X-Files. What's left? And they haven't made any new video games?

They have, but they haven't made any new X-Files? They haven't. Oh, that's right.

Rank your X-Files seasons for us. Four.
Four. Is number one.
Four is number one. Got it.
I'm going to go.

Four, three,

five.

I'm going to put six there before two and one. Yeah.

because one and two they were still figuring it out and there's a bunch of clunkers or i would say one they're figuring it out i mean the good episodes are great but they're they don't quite know exactly what the show is like two three four five are considered the height of the show yes some people say six is like i think six is a totally underrated season because six comes after the movie you remember there's a movie yes the the first movie yeah i remember six being about where i tapped out where i was like oh i i'm not quite sure because of the movie i was a little like oh that didn't really solve anything anything and then no i think you could see what they were trying to do but the show was so successful that they couldn't tie it up right yeah between five and six there's the movie what's good is after the movie season six there's no pressure to they're like they give themselves a break and they tell a bunch of like great one-offs

those are the ones that i really liked yeah i thought the alien storyline was really good too they just couldn't end it when they wanted how did it because i never saw the end how did it end not sure

you had a podcast about yeah i don't i don't think it ended i don't think the story ended Oh, well, maybe someday it will.

Would you bring it back as the executive producer? The X-Files? Yeah. Yes.
Okay. Let's get you in that room.
I'd bring it back in a heartbeat. Yeah, okay.

Well, if you're out there, Chris, what was his name? Connolly?

No, he was the movie reviewer for MTV News. Chris Carter.

Chris Carter, if you're out there listening,

Kamale wants to bring back the X-Files. Please.
Would you do the, would you be, I mean, you already have this experience as an agent guarding Ella McKay? I I know I've kept the gun.

I kept the you kept the gun? No, I didn't keep the gun, but but I know how to hold a gun now. You know okay

before what were you doing picking it up by the barrel? Yeah I was picking up by the barrel. I was putting it in my mouth but the wrong end not like the

goodbye where the barrel's pointing at your penis? Yes

exactly at my penis. Yep.

Well we need to get to our next guest if that's okay. Yeah I guess yeah okay well let's bring him on.

He's a charity organizer. Please welcome Wyatt Malibu.
Hey, how are you? God, so great. Doing so good.
This is Kamale. Oh, how are you? Hey, Wyatt.
Wyatt? Lovely to meet you. Thank you.

Are you from California? The name Malibu implies that.

I wish I was.

I wrote.

I wish I was. I wish I was.
Well, it's a lovely place. The sunshine.
Yeah, but you could live here. Why do you have to be from here? Well, I do live here.
Well, great.

Then that's half the battle already. Why do you want to be from here? Okay, well, I don't know why I run a fight about this.

It's not a fight. He's just asking you a very reasonable question.
Absolutely.

Yes. No, I'm from the dead center of Iowa.
Dead center. What is the dead center? What do you mean by that? I'm in Quad Cities, Iowa.

Right in the middle. I do know Quad Cities, Iowa.
Quad Cities.

Great place. Love it.
Great place. But you prefer not to be.
No, I forget. What are the names of the cities?

I forget the names of them. All four quad cities.
Yeah, what would they do? Yeah, that's right. Since you're from there, you should.
I'm from there. I know the four quad cities are Hamsburg.

And then south of that is

Via Senor. Villa Senor.
Oh, Iowa.

Villa Senor, Iowa. And then

Shopsville.

Shopsville, yeah, that's the major

entertainment. They got outlet malls.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they had a...

They were really into zoning in the early days of Iowa. And then the last one is Quad Cities West.
Quad Cities West. Oh, okay.
So Quad Cities West, Shopsville, Villa Senor, and Hamsville. Hamsburg.

Okay, yeah. And you're from all of them, you were saying? I'm from right in the middle.
So you're the unincorporated zone of Quad City, Zaiwan. So was your house kind of in the...

My house is the geographic center of Quad Cities Iwan. Okay, so it straddled all four of them.

Look, my grandfather was an eccentric man, and he set this up. Okay, but he's no longer with me.
He specifically wanted to

be right in the middle of all four and in none of them.

He was what we call

a map head. Uh-huh.
He was into maps.

He was into maps. And I guess I never knew him.
He died before I was born. Did he make maps or was just a fan? He made maps.
He was a cartography. He was a fan and he also made maps.

He made a ton of them. He mapped a lot of stuff.
I think map guys call it cartography. Yeah, they call it cartography.
That's right. He was a cartographer.

But when you say what we call a map guy, people aren't interested in map guy. No, in my family, it's like that guy was a real map hat.
Oh, I see. Yeah.
Kind of a dismissive term.

About the grandfather, right? But the grandfather. Well, he had a lot of, he was like a local character, and so he was kind of full of himself.
He wasn't so good to his family.

He was more into his public image. What does not good to his family mean? What's that mean? He didn't leave you money.

He didn't leave us money. He was like, what? God didn't.
Make your own money. Okay.
Well, how much money is there in map making? He had a ton. This guy had a ton.
He was sitting on it.

Aren't all the maps made?

Not in his time.

Now it's over.

The industry is over. Google's got it.

They're not making more Earth or anything like that. They're not making more Earth.
Bones are important.

No, I guess that's true. I never thought about that.
Two things. Why are you here? I'm here because I run charities and it's the holiday season.
You run charities? I run charities. That's right.

Oh, that's okay. So you're the president of several charities? I am in a way.

Well,

in a way, because what we do now is, I don't know if you guys know about this, but there's pop-up charities. Oh, no, I haven't heard about it.
Well, have you heard of that?

No, I've never heard of pop-up charities. I've heard of like pop-up bagel places and things like that.
Pop-up video. Pop-up video.
It's not at all like pop-up charities.

It's a beautiful rendition of the theme star. Thank you.
That's like the new heart theme. Pop-up video.

Go ahead.

Pop-up charities. Pop-up charities.
Yes, thank you. Pop-up charities.
So, yeah, like instead of the sort of long-standing classic charities like UNICEF, you know, or the United States. Oh, the red,

red cross, yeah. What's the one with the red cross? Yep.
What's that one that has the red cross? I was thinking of the red Santa. Yeah, okay, right.
That's Goodwill.

Yeah.

What's the one where the doctors don't have any borders? What's that charity called?

Probably Doctors Without Borders.

So, but

those are long-standing charities. And the problem with them is they get so much bureaucracy.
There's so much staff. There's so many expensive charities.
That's what I was saying. That's rampant.

Red type.

They have trouble getting their mission done.

So now they have these pop-up charities that sort of just come into existence with a skeleton crew, gather some money, get it to who needs it, and then go away. What about a skeleton work crew?

That is a very. Oh, yeah, going back to Walden.
Skeleton War.

Wouldn't that be fun? Wouldn't that be great? It is true because, you know, UNICEF's been at it so long and they haven't cured anything. They haven't fixed it.
Just like... Right.

Well, I mean, I don't know if I'd say they haven't. They seem to be getting worse.

I don't want to go on the record and say UNICEF's getting worse. Yeah, I'm staying away from it.
What's UNICEF stand for?

It stands for the

United Nations International Children's Something Fund. They have that fund.
They haven't fixed fund. Yeah, get them out.

Children are still around, so they have not fixed anything. I guess you're right.
UNICEF is a failure. I guess I will go on record.

So you're the president of the

president of sort of short-term charities. Temporary charities.
Temporary. Yeah, just like, hey, let's...

You come in, you fix a problem, you get out.

Instead of trying to fix big, big problems that are difficult to solve.

Maybe a church's roof has caved in from a storm. Let's get a pop-up charity.
It's sort of one step above a GoFundMe. Oh, okay.
Let's rally the community organizers. I'll be in charge of that.

Get some donations. Fix that roof.
Close down the organization. So you gave that as an example.
Has that ever happened? That has happened several times.

The roofs of churches? The roofs of churches collapse all the time. They're not well built.
You got to start making your roofs more. You got to start making your roofs better.

We've had

10 churches where the roofs have completely caved in. Because of weather.
Because of weather. A rainstorm hits.
The church is not ready. Are you building churches just expecting sunshine 365 degrees?

Now, I have a pitch for you. If this is such a very specific issue that comes up, why not have a charity devoted to that specific change?

And then just they can handle all the times it happens instead of starting a new one for each church that needs its roof fixed. You don't want the red tape to accumulate.

The minute you start having an organization stick around, you've got legacy employees. You have people who have been around a while.
How many employees do you have? Oh, yeah.

Because the worst thing is experience for employees.

It's not just they get entitlement, and sometimes you hire somebody and they're great, and then they don't get it, they're not as great, but you still feel loyal to them.

Yeah, then start unions, you know. That's right.
Unions are bad. Deregulation and

non-union.

That's what we're for here. I don't want to say unions are bad.
In the world of charity, maybe we don't need unions. So you say you just try to get the money not to the staff, but through the staff.

Shut up for a second. Okay.
You say you only.

Hey, Mr. Popla, why don't you shut up for a second, okay?

What a refreshing talk show host you are with that kind of stress. I wish more talk show hosts

cut right to the chase. I watched Jimmy Fallon and gosh, what a great guy.
But I think you should just tell his people to shut up. Shut up.
I got a question. All right.

So you say you only have one employee. Is that you or you have another? No, it's me.
It's me. I take care of it.
Okay. I take care of everything.
So you, full 360 service. Full 360 service.

You hand the money to me. I pass it on to the churches.
The roof is fixed. No problems.
Move on.

But are you hiring contractors to do this kind of stuff? If need be, if need be. What happened? So people hand you the money.
People got very vague after that.

They hand me the money and you got to get some contractors going. So you have to get some money to some people and they get up a roof there.
The roof's better. Everyone's happy.
Don't worry about it.

This feels like a front. It's not a front.

Not a front. It's a pop-up charity.
I handle it. Don't worry.
GoFundMe is a for-profit organization. You can't trust them.
Just hand me the money. Give it to me in a briefcase.
Do you take a salary?

I take a bonus. A bonus? No, no bonus.
There's no salary.

Not per gig. Not per gig.
Are you taking it in money or in roofs?

He gets all the shitty, the broken roofs.

I wish I could take it in roofs because I got more roofs than I know what to do with. No, I take it in money.
I take it in money. Just enough to get by.

And when you, like, what percentage of the money? It changes from, you know, it's, it's a. It changes? I feel like that should be consistent.
I don't think so. It's, it's on a.

Is it whatever's left over? Yeah, it's what is good for the project. What's left over?

What costs have I personally incurred that I might need to? What kind of costs would you incur? Well, right now I live in Los Felas, Los Angeles.

So if a roof of a church is local, that's going to be real cheap for me because I can just go for my apartment. But let's say it's a roof in, I don't know, Seattle, Washington.
Okay.

Why would anyone donate to you to fix it?

They're like, you're just like a local asshole. That's not true.

It's not a local asshole. Local asshole collects money for Seattle roofs.
I don't think any news organization

in the country would approve that.

I don't think that anyone would print that because it's so unbelievable.

Look, I get it done.

If your church roof caves in, call Wyatt. Don't worry about any of the problems.
I'll get them with the percentage. I don't know.
30%.

Wow. That's a big chunk.
It depends what the money is. 30% of $10 isn't that much.
Are people giving you... But if it's...
That's $3. Okay, if it's.
Yeah. If it's $10, 30% is not that much.

But it's never $10. How much? Yeah, it's a lot more than that.
It's several hundred thousand dollars.

So you're getting 30% of several hundred thousand dollars. Sometimes someone gives you hundreds of thousands of dollars.

If you want the roof of your fucking church fixed. Okay, first of all, sir.
I'm so sorry. I don't appreciate that.
I left the aquage on comedy bang bang. I don't think anyone in the church's roof.

You're absolutely right. I got heated.

I got heated. Camille, I'm going to apologize to you.
Scott, remind me.

Hockerman,

apologize to our next guest, who I know he's not on, but just. I want to apologize to our next guest who's over there

helping himself to a nice little plate of hors d'oeuvres. Yeah.

We have a nice hors d'oeuvre plate for everybody. Yes, I love mine.

I'm sorry I got too heated. Look, I...

How did you get into this?

I saw a need. A church in Quad Cities collapsed.
Nobody was out there. Did you get the whole thing or just the roof? The whole roof, completely square, fell in.
And was anybody there? No, sir.

Thankfully. Nobody did.
No injuries. Are church roofs, are they mainly collapsing at night?

They're mostly collapsing at night that I don't know. I wonder why that is.
It's like with fire alarms that beep. You know why? Because God's asleep at night.
Yeah. In the day, God's holding it up.

He made us in his image. It makes sense.
It makes sense. I do think that when architects build churches, they're cocky.
Yeah. They feel

protected. Yeah, maybe because they're making the roofs in the morning, so by the night time, they've like

gotten old. That makes sense.
That makes sense.

That's probably what it is. Are you only exclusively, are your pop-ups only dealing with church roofs? Thus far, we have only done church roofs.
We could do any construction.

So when you said, let me give you an example of what we would do, this is the only thing that you do. That's the main thing we've done.
Church roofs. It's the main thing we've done.
Do other stuff.

I want to do other stuff.

I'm here to pitch my services. That's why I'm on your program.
Oh, yeah. Let me know what you need.

Certainly any construction projects I could do. If there's anything similar to the roofs of churches, if there's a 30% markup, it depends.
I don't always take 30%. I have taken 30%.

The first job I took 30% because I was broke.

I was like, I'm not going to keep doing it. Oh, you did it because you're broke.
Oh, well, I'm not going to be able to keep doing it. I'm not going to be able to keep doing it

if I don't take some money to get this going. Yeah, it's like I'm helping you.
Otherwise, I can't stay solvent. And I'm not going to fix more churches.

Yeah, then I'm going to have to go back to working in the grocery store.

What grocery store did you work at?

I used to work at a Grand Union grocery store what a grand is that a chain i've that is a chain grand union is a chain oh okay yeah and i used to work uh i used to work in the butcher department you cut meat i cut meat i cut it good so you're you were a butcher i was a butcher yeah i worked yeah yeah i never got in the union i was uh i was a butcher uh-huh i was like a butcher's assistant in

cap hartley

yeah nobody knows what that means i don't quite know what that means but um i was unofficial i was not not a certified but i could i could do the job okay because by the time the meat gets to the grocery store, it's mostly been cut.

You're just sort of cutting up, cutting. Right, you don't get like a skinless cow.
Right.

I'm not getting a whole pig and I have to like, yeah, you just get like a hunk of boar's head and you got to like, just like, you know, slice it up. Okay.

So you're just slicing up stuff that's already done. Slice that meat.
Sounds pretty easy.

Sounds pretty easy. How much money did you make last year from all of this? From the charities? Yeah, not from the fucking grocery store.
Let me check. Jesus Christ.
This guy. Look it up.

I'm going to give you the right answer. Yeah, look it up.
Wow. I did pretty good.
That's

wow. That's a lot of money.
How much did you make?

$450,000. Wow.

Yeah. Pretty good.
I'm seeing why this is a job you want to do. I'm just...

Listen, none of that money went to taxes. Oh,

should you be admitting that? Wait, I don't mean that. I don't mean that.
I don't mean that. I don't mean that.
I mean, I mean,

none of the money went to Texas. Texas.
Okay. That's why I met you.
Why do you need to clarify that? Why would money go to Texas?

I just want to make sure that people know that the money is not getting siphoned off to Texas. It sounds like you're a tax cheat, not at all.
Dodge. Not at all.

Not a bit. You're a scammer.
You're a flammer. Yeah,

you're stealing from people who are donating, and then you're not. You seem to be proud of the fact that

you're not doing taxes. Have any of these church roofs blown off since you've supposedly fixed them? Wyatt Malibu?

I mean, mostly no. Mostly no.
Two of them did, yes. Okay.

And they did blow off. Okay.

And they are still intact on the ground next to the church. A full, full roof.
Full roof. Just like pop the lid, pop right off.
That's hard to do. No, yeah.
So they held together.

That's because they're good quality construction. That's what I think.
The roofs are, you know, we double stud those guys. So when you say most of them, how many have you done? Five?

No, I've gotten like,

let me see. I've got like 15 churches replaced the roofs of 15 total.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah. And what other kind of charity work are you looking to get?

Six of them have blown off, and we got nine still standing.

You said two. You said moments ago.
Yeah, it was six. I had to think about it.
Oh, okay. It's six, yeah.
That's a high percentage of roofs to blow off. It's higher than we like.

We're going to get that down.

You want to get those numbers down to zero. We're going to get that down.
We're going to hopefully zero. Definitely lower.

Can't get everything perfect. We'll hopefully get it down to maybe just one or two

roofs a year. But as Komal asks,

what type of charity would you like to do? Gosh, I would love to feed children. You know,

famine amongst children populations, that's always a logistical problem. There's enough food in the world.
It's just getting it to the people is always. What if we made food free? Huh?

What if we made food free? Once again, I want to thank you for expressing so clearly. I just, I've never seen this before in a talk show host.

I'm sorry, but my disdain for you was at an all-time high before you even talked about siphoning all of this money into your own life. Well, I haven't siphoned it.

The records are clear um so no i'm not hiding anything i'm not lying other than your tax like i pay all my taxes i don't know what i was talking about before i was hypnotized

i was probably hypnotized

okay that's not gonna hold up in court i have to say you're not a lawyer your honor i was probably hypnotized you're not a lawyer you don't know

it's worked for me it's worked for me before Okay, so let me say, like, for instance, could you do a charity for this?

Like, we're on a group, like a neighborhood group, what's it called, where like people report problems in the group. Next door, you mean, or

the next door app? And our like area group, they're like, they get very, very, um,

it turns out it's a little bit, gets a little bit racist. Okay, sure.
It feels like they'll be like, oh, at this church, they're busting in people. And it's like, oh, that's just, it's Sunday.

And it's people going to be able to do that. I think the next door app is just one degree away from just being tired of it.
I've heard of this. Or like, I saw an undesirable person, but undesirable.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just like someone.

Yeah. So

is there anything you could do about that? Is there a charity you could set up? A charity that like sets people's minds right about. Yeah, like fixes like racism.
Yeah. That would be a great charity.

I would donate to that. Yeah, why would you do a charity? Just so that I know what you're talking about.
You want a charity to correct the mindset of the people posting to next door? Or all racism?

Yeah, I'm sorry. Let me pull back.
Let me pull back. Let's go pull back.
Why don't you have a charity that cures racism?

I mean, I would love to. Do you think it's not a problem? You think racism is a problem? I think it's a problem.
I'm just, I don't know. You just think racism in any

sort is all right. Do you think it's fine? Is that what you're trying to say? That's not what I think.
That's not what I think. You endorse racism?

Why have you not done a charity pop-up charity to kill racism? I don't know. I haven't thought about it before.
But you know what? Oh, I'll do it.

That would be the first charity pop-up that I've done.

You know what? The feeding the children can wait.

That's a pretty good one. We don't want to feed them if they're going to grow up racist.
Yeah. Exactly.

Okay, I'll do. We want them to starve.
Okay, I will.

I want all racist children to starve. And I'm on record saying that.
Yeah, he's equal opportunity. Okay, I will look into this.

Let's just say I'm going to make a soft maybe type of pledge to start a pop-up charity. Make it a hard yes, and then we're going to be able to get it.
And we'll donate to you right now. Okay.

I'll make a hard yes to do my best to tackle racism in a local. Do your best.
Like if you're fixing the roof,

I promise to fix racism. I promise to fix racism.
Okay. It'll be gone.
Give me.

How long do you need? 12 months. And 12 months and how much money do you need to do this? I mean, you know.
I can only pledge $300,000.

You know what?

I don't know. I mean, it's...

You know what? To make it a million, I'll do the extra $700. Yeah, I mean, it's...
I was thinking it's going to be $5 million. But I think with a million C money, I can do it.

Okay, I'll do $4 million. $4.7 million.
Yeah, you do $4.7. I'll do $300,000.
All right, great. Hang on.
I'm going to send you guys a Venmo link right now. Just get that started.

And we'll meet back here in a year and I'll let you know how it went.

We should know how it went. You'll know how it went, but we don't have a

pretty

good. You should have a

Kumail, maybe you should have a better idea than you can. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, man, going through airports is way easier. Thank you.
You'll notice first, I get

it before, Scott, but just get on your next door app and you'll just start seeing those racists. So, you want to meet back here in a year when Kumail enters the What Timers Club would it be, Kumail?

Nine,

and you'll be in the two.

Oh, I expect to have you back several times in between.

Yeah, we want to check on the progress constant update yeah we we want to know it's cured and i want it cured race by race thank you i want it to be first all hatred against asians goes away okay and you mean asian and south asian like the whole continent yeah man we don't need to draw lines that's like okay yeah just other than the line between asian and all other races just for now

it's a temporary line much like your fucking pop-ups asia includes the middle east right so i have to fix the middle east india china japan you don't want to start with Asians? Let's start with Asia.

No,

you don't think that Asians

deserve it? I do. I do.
I'm just saying it's a biggest one.

Let's start with Antarctica and work up. Let's just get the racist against Antarcticans just because I think we've already fixed that.

I think we're okay in that race. Yeah, we like penguins.
Australians, then. Let's go to the next biggest.
We'll go to Australia. Okay, they got some complicated shit going on over there.

You may want to start with Asia.

Asia is easier to fix. All right, we'll fix all the.
All right. Hey, you guys are paying for the.
I want to go one by one. I want want

Asia first. To zero.
Once you get to zero, then you can move on to other races. Okay, so first Asia to zero, then Australia.

But if you had to divvy up Asia into different sections, what would they be? Because it seemed like you were like all of it together. So if you had to like do...

And rank them as well. Well, I'm not going to rank them.
I'm just. Asia's a huge area, right? And who are the best people in the human area? That is not what I was trying to say.
I don't mean names.

I mean like types of exactly. I know what you meant.
I don't think... I'm just thinking about you are the ones that are okay by you.
There's nothing

they're all great. We're the good ones.
Yeah, who's never done nothing to me? Everyone's equally great. There's not a bad person in Asia.
Well, this sounds like he's already curing racism.

It sounds, yeah, he's starting with himself. I'll just, they're all equal.
I'm going to fix that. I'll fix it at an equal rate across the entire continent.
Okay. I won't favor any area.
Please don't.

So, you know, Hong Kong won't come before the, you know, the Siberia or something. Okay.
All right. Well, I'm going to press my button to send.
That's 4.7 mil. You got your 300K.
Can I borrow 300K?

Yeah, yeah. Let me send them to you first.
Yeah. Okay.

I got this. Okay.
All right. All right.
Are you up to five, Kumal? I see yours in there. Okay.
Kumail sent it to you. You should, it should be hitting your butt.
There you go. Okay.
Let me see. Yep.

I got it. You got the five mil? I got the five mil.
Okay, we're going to meet back here a year. Well, we're going to be regular updates.
We'll get updates.

I'll email you guys. They're like, yeah,

40% done with the racism against Asia I'll get a number yeah I'll break I'm more of an Instagram DM guy so okay I'll DM you on Instagram Kamal how do you like to be contacted I want tick tock videos that are just directed to me all right I will message you on tick tock a video letting you know just say hey Kamal and then

just to me I want 20%

info that I don't get you'll get it both okay I'll DM you and TikTok you 20% less in China or whatever it is yeah yeah okay good yeah we want you we need these stats yeah exactly okay This is great.

I don't know exact numbers. This is I feel good about what we did today.
Dude, you should feel good about it. Okay, and if there's any church roofs that cave in, also let me know.

No, no, I'm just saying this is going to be a full-time job.

You're not going to have time for your church roof bullshit here. Yeah.
Okay. That's easy for me, so just let me know, please.

He's got the reps. All right.
Well, look, we need to take a break, if that's okay. Wyatt, can you stick around? Or are you going to be too busy with racism?

I got time. Fixing it.
I got to fix it. I got time.
Easy. All right, great.
We need to take a break. When we come back, we have someone in law enforcement.

Oh, boy, maybe you could start here, actually.

We're going to come right back. We'll have more Kumail, more Wyatt Malibu.
We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Comedy bang bang, we're back. Kumail Nanjiani.
Night Thoughts out on Hulu, December 19th, a mere six days before Christmas,

seven days before Boxing Day,

five days before Christmas Eve. That's right.
There's a lot going on in this week, but Night Thoughts primarily is what we want people to do. That's kind of what everyone's talking about.

Yeah, 12 days before New Year's Eve.

Is it possible to give this as a Christmas gift? Yeah, 100%.

How would you do that?

Like you could BitTorrent it.

Oh, that'd be great. Oh, yeah.
You'd like to do that.

Why would I pitch that?

But put that in someone's stalking this Christmas night thoughts.

60 minutes or so, I would imagine. It's 56 minutes and a few seconds.
And a few seconds.

Right at almost at a...

Including credits.

Yeah. How long are the credits? 30 minutes right there.
Short, dude. Oh, really? Short.
We whizzed by it. I don't care about any of these names.
Did you like omit names? You're just like, no. Yeah.

It's about the camera. The names that the people I didn't get along with are not getting credited.
And they're not getting paid. Thank you.

I wish more people would do it. Good for you.

Okay, Wyatt. Sorry.
Just chiming in.

Talking to my buddy Kamale over here. What did you say? I said good for you.
I thought that's a nice. I'm just standing.
Yeah, no, he was already saying that.

Yeah, you don't need to add good for you when I'm already saying good for you. I'll follow your lead.
I'm not an expert in that. Thank you, Scott.
Thank you, Kamail. Wyatt Malibu is here.

We need to get to our next guest. He's in law enforcement.
He's been on the show a few times before.

I can't really recall what we talked about in these times, but please welcome back to the show, Inspector Jack Cates. Thanks for having me, Scott.
Yeah, my pleasure.

Sorry, I ate so many of your hors d'oeuvres.

It's a personal hors d'oeuvre plate just for you. I haven't eaten in a week.
Really? What's going on? I've been on the run. Oh, okay.
By the way, this is Kumail. This is Wyatt Malibu.
Hi, Kumail.

Wyatt. You're on the run? That's right.

Scott, we got two days. You got to keep me hidden here.

What's going on? I can't remember.

First of all, catch us up.

You're an inspector, which means detective. In San Francisco.
In San Francisco. That's right.

And what did we talk about the last few times you were here? Fine. You remember.
You were there all the times. All right? You and I were, you were helping me because I had to find Albert Gans.

Okay, yeah.

Right, Albert Gans. And what did Albert Albert Gans do? Albert Gans robbed a payroll delivery.
Okay. And then he was in jail, and then he got out and he did a podcast about being in jail.
Okay.

And I needed someone on the inside to get me close. Okay.
And so are you still looking for Gans or no, you're on the run this time. Right.
Because Gans was on the run the first time? He stole my gun.

Don't you remember? I was out committing crimes with my gun. Oh, right, right.
And you had to get your gun back. And I needed you to help me find him.
Right, right.

And now you need me to help hide you from Gans? Right, because after that, then his brother, William, no, Richard Jerry Gans

and his partner were sent by the Iceman to kill you. Kill you and I.
Okay. Because we took down Albert Gans.
Oh, right. You're following? Right, so far, yeah.
I sort of get it. Right.
Yeah.

Okay, so what's been going on since the last time you were here? The last time I was here, I was off to find the Gans family reunion. Remember, you hooked me up with Megan Gans.
Oh, that's right.

We emailed Megan Gans and tried to see where the reunion was. Hollywood writer Megan Gans.
Right. She was on Mythic Quest at the time, which no longer exists.
Right.

Well, I mean, the previous seasons still exist. Yeah, this still exists.
It's not been, like, wiped from. I've not been able to find it anywhere.

You think they deleted all trace of

Mythic Quest? I don't know. I have a TV.

Oh, okay.

Did she get back to you, by the way? Well, I didn't need her anymore because remember, we found out at the end, I had a recovered memory that I was a Gans.

Oh, that's right. So you, okay, yes.
Everything is now crystal clear. I'm the third Gans brother.
Right. So So I had my own invitation to the family reunion.
Right. Okay.
Now you're running from Gans?

Well, yes. Okay.
So catch up. This is the family reunion.
It was in Salinas, Kansas, which is the home of the guy that made Alley Oop, the cartoon. Oh, okay.
Great.

Just a coincidence, but that's what the Gans family reunion is. In what way was it a coincidence? Like, it seems like...
But Alley Oop and that guy you made it have nothing to do with the Gans family.

That's not a coincidence. Why did you bring it up? Yeah.
A coincidence is like, oh my gosh, I said Alley Oop, and then Alley Oop happens to be where

you just stated a fact and said it was a coincidence. Yeah, it's two separate facts.
Well, maybe you know Selena's Candace because of Ali Oop. Are you an Ally Oop fan?

I don't know what you're talking about. He's a comic caveman.
Ali Oop's a comic caveman.

Yeah, he was a big hit in like the 50s. He had a famous song.
You remember the song, Ali Oop, Oop.

Not Captain Caveman. That's different.
That's different. That's very very different.
Okay, but it's not a quick, can we agree? It's not a coincidence. It's a Flintstone superhero.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hannah Barbera. Ellie Oop, Sunday Funny.
Nothing to do with Salinas, Kansas. Elliot Oop has a lot to do with Salinas.
Oh, God. That's where he was created.

But the Dance Family Reunion has nothing to do with Alley Oop. It does have a lot to do with Salinas, Kansas.
They're just two unrelated things. Absolutely.

Not a coincidence, just two unrelated things. Right.
Okay, great. So, you went to this family reunion, and what happened? I laid siege.
Did you

make friends with the guy who created Ali Oop or? I never met him. He's been long dead, I believe.
Okay. But I attacked the family reunion.
I'm trying to find Albert Gans. Your brother.
Yes.

And my other brother. And Richard Cherry-Gans? Richard Cherry-Gans.
Okay, were they there? Yes, they were. Okay.
And what, do I have to ask every...

Do I have to ask a question about every step of the process here, or will you just tell us what the fuck happened? You know what I'm saying? Like, do I have to say and then... I heard a lot of people.

I hurt a lot of people at the family reunion. I got nicknamed the family reunion annihilator, and I went to jail.

How did you hurt these people?

I pistol whipped them.

That's like you have to do that one at a time. That's right.

When I heard that you hurt a lot of people, I mean, that's like a laborious process. One at a time.
I was running around smacking them on the side of my service revolver.

And why were you doing that? Because I was trying to find Albert Dance. Uh-huh.
Why did But anyone who knew he was there, right? He's got my gun.

So you use another gun to pistol whip people? My own personal gun that I keep in my ankle holster. Okay, all right.
Okay.

Your little baby gun. Did anyone say where...

Did anyone say where Albert Gans was?

Did you not give him a chance? He took off as soon as I started pistol whipping everybody.

So then you kept pistol whipping, though. It didn't help.
You didn't stop. I didn't see him.
I was really focused on who I was hitting.

So you haven't caught up with Gans.

Now he's back in San Francisco. He's impersonating me.

Okay, because he has your revolver. Gans is a cop, and I got 48 hours to stay away from Gans, because he's got 48 hours to find me.
What happens after 48 hours?

Time runs out. Right, he runs out.
Like the warrant that they put out on me runs out. Oh, I see.
So then you can go free. The statute of limitations for family reunion annihilation is very short.

It doesn't come up very often.

Because I'm an inspector. I see.
Right. So all the people that I hurt and killed, they balance it against the ones that I've hurt, helped, and saved.
Okay, got it. So you what do you need me to do?

You got to help me stay low. Help me avoid games.
Okay, well,

how do I help you stay low? Well, your d'oeuvres are a nice starter.

You only need in the week. Are you basically just saying you want me to feed you for the next two days? I'll be staying here.
All right, yeah, I guess. Like, yeah, you want to stay here?

You can stay here. I don't care.
Great. That's what I've been waiting around for.
Okay. Well, I I mean, it's not really uh, something.
I mean, yeah, we can do it. Camel, do you want to stay here?

No, I'm not on the run. I didn't pistol whip my entire family.
Oh,

I'd love to stay here if I could. Uh, yeah, sure, Wyatt.
I mean, I need you to get to work. I need, I mean, this I can keep close tabs on.
Can you do it from here? Can you zoom in to cure racism?

I'll zoom in to cure racism. Yeah, I'll do it.
That's gonna be. I should have that done actually in a couple weeks now that I think about it.
Oh, okay. Wow.
All right, great.

All right, you and I are buddying up here. We're going to bunk up.
Yeah. You don't have to stay away from it.
You like to swim? Sorry? You like to swim? Not really? Me neither. Puts my cigarettes out.

Okay. You don't have to swim.
All right. Fine.
Just make, can you, can you make sure that you're just kind of a quiet house guest? Is that all right? Because, you know,

we don't like a lot, because we have a child here, we don't like a lot of, you know, like noise after 6 or 7 p.m., you know?

All right, I'll do my best, but you tell that kid to be quiet in the morning. Because I have to sleep in.
You can't can't tell kids to be quiet they I can tell them okay I

really want you to stay away from the don't pistol whip his kid yeah oh you know what I'm gonna do

what

oh I mean you knew what I'm gonna do yeah yeah yeah yeah don't do it yeah stay away from my family in general okay all right you stay away from my family okay I don't I've never met

Dance

get away from him because he's looking for you okay and why it also that goes for you too please stay away from my family while you're in love to Kamal you can meet whoever you want okay great Yeah, whoever you want.

I have a question. When did this turn into the Iceman getting involved? You said it was the Iceman hunting for you? That's right.

The second time I was here, the Ice Man. Well, you thought it was my best friend on the Force, Kehoe.
Oh, that's right, Kehoe. What happened to Kehoe? It turns out he was the Iceman.
Okay.

And is he in league with Gans right now? He was running the gang that the Gans brothers were in. This is too complicated.
I don't know. It's just my life.
What is your life? It's not complicated.

I just think that, you know, know, we, you got to simplify all of this, you know. Like, this is what, your fourth, fifth time you've been on the show? Something like that.

It's just getting, you know, like so, so much more complicated. That's the way life is.
Can we do a reboot or something like that? You know what I mean?

I mean, Kamal knows, like, he's on the 20th Marvel movie, and suddenly it's like

Blades there with the Black Knight and Pin.

I know it's always nice. Yeah, it's just too complicated.

Yeah, just reboot everything.

All right, I guess I can

go back to San Francisco. Yeah, just do a hard reboot.
I'll be like a captain. Yeah, oh, yeah.

Follow the story of a younger inspector. I don't know if this will help or screw things up, and I totally understand if we wanted to pretend I didn't say this.

But there are reset switches on the back of most people behind their left ear,

like laptops have. Most people have this.
And if you get a paperclip and you insert it into the button behind your left ear, you can do a hard reboot on your personal continuity.

First of all, you're blowing my mind that there's one of those on a computer.

That part's not even weird.

That part's not weird.

That is very strange. I've never noticed that in my life.
A lot of people, I mean, it's kind of

faded out, but for a long time, computers would have little reset switches where you could like.

iPhones used to have a straight paper clip, and you could poke at a paperclip under the little reset switch. Secondly, I think what you're doing is just stabbing people in the neck.
I don't think so.

Severing their spinal calm. I don't, I don't, as the annihilator, though.
Yeah, that's the reboot. They're going to have to learn to walk again.

That's right. It just reboots their personal continuity.
I just feel around behind your left. We don't have to do it.
I just want you to know that it's theirs.

You can't stab yourself in there. You're not going to talk me into sticking a paperclip in the back of my neck.
All right, just an idea. We'll move on.

Okay, and you're not going to do it to him while he's sleeping. I won't do it.
No, no, no. I would never do that.
Never to bunk mates is based on trust. Malibu, you and I are sleeping in chests.

Well, that doesn't help you, because if you're sleeping and he's awake, who's protecting

you from your sleep at the same time? Yeah, it should be the opposite. New plan.

When I sleep, you sleep. When you sleep, I sleep.
When I sleep, you sleep. You can't promise.
Just like that?

Just like that. Promise that I can fall asleep at the exact same times, okay? You got to fall asleep before him, and you got to wake up

after him. Okay? I'll do my best.
And no getting up in the middle of the night to pee.

All right, that's fine.

I'm not going to hit your reset button. If it helps, I'll offer to choke you out.

When you're feeling drowsy, you want to go to bed. I'll hug your neck.
If you could do it, I'll accept that. I'm willing to give it a try.

You just don't know. You don't know.
Have you ever choked out anyone before? I've choked out tons of people.

Has this worked? I've never followed up.

So what else has been going on, Kates?

Well, let's see.

I got accused of robbing a bank. Accused of it?

Did you rob the bank? No. What happened? Who accused you of this?

The police that are looking for me. Okay.
I happened to be in a bank when it was being robbed. Okay.
And these are dirty cops?

Well, I don't know. My dirty cop dar is bad.

I thought Kehoe was good. Yeah, he turned out to be the ice man.
He turned out to be the ice man. Yeah.
Who I've been chasing the whole time we were together.

My whole career. You seem like a bad policeman.
I'm not. I'm a great policy.
Or a bad inspector.

like bad inspector should be a you know your story not bad lieutenant yeah bad inspector port of call new orleans port of call san francisco yeah sure

that's where you want the reboot to be called so why did they blame you for the robbery if you were just there hanging out at the bank while the robbery was going on because they're like oh we're looking for that guy already He shows up on the cameras at this bank.

He's got to be the banker. And they're looking for you for the family annihilation.
That's right. Okay.
Which you truly

do that. You did do that.
Yes, I did. So

they would be allowed to arrest you for that, right? That would not be wrong. Not by me.

I don't allow it.

Right. Sure.
You don't want to go to jail for the pistol whipping. No, jail's terrible.

Do you know what would happen to an inspector like me in jail? You didn't rob a bank, so that would be unjust for you to be arrested for that.

But you did pistol whip a lot of individuals at a family reunion. To death.

Okay.

They died.

Some of them did. Some of them are real old.
Now, I'll say, maybe my anger at being abandoned by this family somehow channeled through my pistol-whipping hand. Oh, I see.

And I was taking out some emotions on them. Were you abandoned? Did we ever talk about that? That's right.
At a grocery store. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, they left you at a grocery store and then you grew up to be...

Who adopted you? The Cates family? That's right. Oh.
And where are they these days? They dead in San Francisco. Dead in San Francisco.
But in San Francisco. How did they die? Boating accident.
Wow.

A boat hit them or they were on a boat? Boat hit them. They were walking along the pier.

And it just jumped the pier? That's right.

In like some sort of like fall guy type boating stunt, spectacular TV show or the movie? I'm thinking of the movie. There was a big

TV show. Oh, it was.
The Fall Guy, the TV show. That's right.
Yeah. Yeah.

A boat jumped out. It was a ski boat.

Wait, how is a boat jumping out of the water more like a TV show, not like the movie? You must not have seen them. I've seen both of them.
Well, then you should know.

This is terrible. Did you ever bring the boater to justice?

Oh, my God. No.
Why, why, why? Why? It feels like it'd be high on your list of priorities. I was eight years old.
This is like your origin story. This is like your Bruce Wayne type thing where

you saw someone murder your parents. And then, you know, this is why you got involved in law enforcement.
Dude, they got no idea. I don't think that's why he's Batman.

Why do you think he's Batman? I think he's got a lot of money.

He does it for fun? He does it for fun. No, this is his main motivation.
He blames it on the death of his parents. Oh, I think he would have done that anyway.
He would have found another reason.

He would have been Batman either way. Would have found another reason.
He just likes bats. That's right.
Right. Punching people.

So you think you would have become a police inspector regardless of whatever happened to your parents? Well, I was raised in a police orphanage after that. Okay.

What is a police orphanage? That's where kids who are orphaned by police matters are kept.

Aren't all kids orphaned by police matters? I don't think so. Is cancer a police orphanage?

I mean, I think they get involved. Maybe not.

They have enough to do. Yeah, so.
There's enough people being orphaned by police involvement that they have an institution set up? I do not doubt that. There were only like 10 of us.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.

Do you still keep in touch with all of your orphan brothers and sisters? A couple of them, yes.

But now, now, now, not anymore. Was Kehoe one of your...

That's right. That's where we met.
Kehoe was in the orphanage? That's right. And most of the, like, let's see, there were 10 of us.
I became a police inspector.

Kehoe became a police something. Right.
He was a police officer. And an ice man.
And the ice man. The head of a criminal enterprise.
Right, right.

Come to think of it, a lot of them became heads of criminal enterprises. Okay.
And you're the only one who,

I guess, grew up on the right side of the law until you murdered all those old people.

Not all of them are old.

Oh, so you murdered young people as well?

I dealt that out

without

qualification. Okay.
Well, you know,

I just think that this is getting too complicated. Like, now you're a murderer.
Can I really have you back on the show? You know what I mean? We just need to wipe out all of this stuff.

Come here, Lean over here.

Lean over towards me a little closer. Lean over towards me.
No,

don't put the don't do the reboot with him. I don't have one of those.

I'm sure you do.

You don't do it to yourself first.

Let's see. But then he'll forget to do it.

Then he won't know how to do it if he resets himself. He's not going to be able to do it to you.
Yeah, that's a good point. That's a good point.
But I would have watched him do it.

I can do it to myself if I so choose. Okay, I'll do it to myself.
Hang on, I'm going to find, I got to find the little thing. Okay, wait, there it is.
Okay, hold on.

Okay, so when I reboot, you got to tell me who I am and stuff, and you have to re-educate me. All right.

Vow to me on your honor.

I have your name right here, Wyatt Malibu. You're going to tell me.
Charity organizer. All right.
And you promised to me on your code as a talk show host?

As a talk show host, I'm going to go to the house. I score sweet board.
You have 5 million of our dollars. Yeah.
Here we go.

Oh, my God. That's painful.

I actually don't know whether he's rebooting or he's

giving himself a bottom. He threw up so much.
Oh, geez.

He might just be dead now.

Eyes are closed. Oh, wait.
His eyes are fluttering. He seems to be waking up.
Hi. Choose language.
Oh,

which language? I would love to choose Chinese and see what happens.

I don't think that we want to do Chinese. This show is not available.
Chinese is not available.

English? Yeah, let's choose Chinese. English chosen.
Okay.

Choose region.

I guess

do we need to get down specific to low speele is? Based on your location. Based on current location.
Turn on your GPS. Yeah.
Based on current location. He's getting very invasive.

I didn't know there was a whole system we have to go through. Do we have to accept all the terms of service? Do you wish to copy a previous

entity or start fresh? This guy's just a robot. Do we want to

previous? Oh, do we have access to all previous entities?

List previous entities, please. Scott Ackerman.
What? Kamale. Adjacent entities are Scott Ackerman, Kamal Nanjiani.
He's doing the read.

Inspector Jack Cates.

Right, yeah.

Or

start fresh. Should we do Jack Cates and maybe he can

Jack Cates? Importing Jack Cates.

And you need to turn yourself in. I'm going to.
Why wouldn't I?

Well, if I did something wrong, I would turn myself in. That's what I do as an inspector.
Inspector Cates, Inspector Cates. What?

The law is looking for you. You need to go back to San Francisco.
Do you know why?

Do you know why they're looking for you? No. No, wait a minute.
Yes, I do. Yeah.
My

pistol whipped. I pistol whipped a bunch of.
Well, it wasn't my fault. I was angry.

But I did. I pistol whipped a bunch of people indiscriminately at a family reunion to get information about Albert Gans.
That's right. He's got my gun.
He does. Oh, no.
You got to get it back.

All right. I know I do.
I think it's more important you turn yourself in than getting your gun back. I have to.
Yeah. All right.
He's there. Gans is there.
He's looking for you. In San Francisco?

That's right. Well, why would I go there? Because you got to get Gans.
Turn yourself into Kehoe. What? Kehoe, my friend, turned Iceman? He betrayed me.
I can't trust him.

All right, but I'll go to San Francisco. But you didn't do the bank robbery.
Just remember that. I know.
I was there. Okay, great.

I was just trying to see if I could get a mortgage. Okay.
Hey,

other cates, do you want to reboot yourself into him? No.

I'm not a robot. I know what this guy is.
I'm not a robot either. You're some sort of synthesis.
No, I'm not a check case.

I gotta go. I gotta get my gun back to Melbourne Can.
Well, stay here for just a second. Okay.
Because

we're running out of time, but we only have time really for one final feature on the show. And that is, of course, a little something called plugs.

The games are over, we had our fun.

The beginnings end, and now the end's begun. So take a breath and live your love and open up your heart.
It's time for the breath.

Hey, that was nice. That was Love is the Plug by Kweef Wellington.

Thanks so much to Kweef. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com/slash plugs and you can find everything you need to upload your songs.

And you have all the stems for, although we're not taking any more remixes of this year in a few weeks or in about a month, Ben Schwartz will be here and we'll do a new song.

But head over there and you can upload all of your plug themes. All right, what are we plugging? Kamal, of course, Night Thoughts.

Night Thoughts, December 19th, Hulu, Ellen McKay in theaters, and Fallout Season 2 on Amazon Prime. That's right.
Boy, a lot going on. And Jack Cates, this one over here.
What do you want to plug?

I just, in general, want to plug

networks and studios buying things again.

Yeah,

that'd be fun. Why do you care? I'm invested.
I like entertainment. All right.
You don't even have Apple TV.

That's true.

Are they buying stuff? Yeah, I mean, they're making stuff. I'd like to sell my life story.
Oh, okay.

I feel like it would make a good movie, at least the first time you were on. That would be a good movie.
I think all of it's good.

Oh,

into one movie. It's a little complicated now, I gotta say.
I don't know. I think you can do it.
All right.

Flashbacks. I love flashbacks.
I know. They're fun.
All right. And then this jack case, what do you want? You sound weary.

You sound weary of this. No.
Wow, you really are. You seem ready for this to be over.
You're very good at picking up reading.

Yeah. I've been trained my whole life to read people's.
Okay, I can see you're fed up. What were you asking?

What do you want to plug? I want to plug a podcast. Screw it.
We're just going to talk about the Beatles by a guy named Will Hines and some folks. Old middle-aged men talking about the Beatles.

You got to love it. finally if you're into it you probably already know about it

um what do i want to plug i want to plug uh i think there's new stuff in the store the comedy bang bang store oh yeah we have ornaments uh comedy bang bang ornaments with ho-ho and santa and the in the motormouth uh that's over at podswag.com slash comedy bang bang and uh also a lot of stuff going on over at cbb world so we have so many great shows over there scott hasn't seen where we watch movies that i haven't seen before and And CBB presents.

I think we got

a lot of good stuff in December coming up. So head over there.
All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Please don't close it and be real.

You got it.

Closing up the ping up.

Brow. That is a good song.
That's a really good song. That's a pretty good song.
That's a real good song. That's a good song.
No, that's a good song. That's a good song.
That's a good song.

It's great.

All right.

That's a good song by Retro Pessimist. Thanks to Retro Pessimist.
And guys, I want to thank you so much, Camille. Always a pleasure.
Thank you for having me.

Love having you on the show and looking forward to seeing your hour of stand-up and hearing about whatever, you know, all of your life.

I presume you talk about your life or are you talking about other people? I'm talking about my own life. I talk about no other people.

No one else comes up? Nobody else comes up. Wow.
It's me, me, me, me, me, baby. Love it.

And Jack Kate's number one. Always great to see you.

Hopefully we'll get something in your continuity straightened out at some point. For a while, you now, you can call me Wyatt Malibu.
I do. Did you reboot yourself? No.
Wink.

Oh, you're just switching places. He says.

Oh, okay.

Oh, swapping identities. I'm going to get more confused.
Oh, don't worry about what he's doing. All right.
But Jack Hate's over here. Oh, great.
Yeah. Pleasure to be here.
Wonderful to have you on.

You're going to turn yourself in? Yes. I am going to go to San Francisco and turn myself in.
Okay. And that'll show him.
And you'll spend multiple decades in jail, I would say.

I suppose, if that's the right thing to do. That is the right thing to do.
And I will. Okay, great.
And what about racism?

Wait, does that not fit? Wait, if we spent 5 million bucks, what happened to our 5 million?

That, well,

if this guy can be Wyatt Mall.

Do you think you can fix racism for us? I lost it on a basketball game.

You spent our five million?

I lost it. Which basketball game?

Whichever one's happening right now? Oh, man. How, if it's happening right now, how do you know you've already lost it? Because I bet on the halftime score.
Oh, nice.

Easy come, easy go. I guess so.
All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, but

huh?

What, Scotty? Scott? Rudy North? That's right. I've got a new mission.
Scott, I need your help. There's a crisis.
A crisis on infinite bang bangs.

To be continued on crisis. On infinite bang bangs.
Only at cbbworld.com.

Hi, I'm Jenny Slate. And believe it or not, someone is allowing us to have a podcast.
I'm Gabe Leidman. I'm Max Silvestri.

And we've been friends for 20 years, and we like to reach out to kind of get advice on how to live our our lives. It's called I Need You Guys.
Should I give my baby fresh vegetables?

Can I drink the water at the hospital? My landlord plays the trombone, and I can't ask him to stop. You should make sure that you subscribe so that you never miss an episode.
I need you, girls.

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