Tag Team At The Teeth: The Misty Ascent | Critical Role Sydney Live Show 2025 Part 1

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hey there critter podcast listeners.

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Hey there, critters.

This is Ashley Johnson.

And Telison Jeffy.

And we're popping in here to talk about our new podcast on Beacon, Weird Kids.

In this series, we're diving into our lives as former child actors, from unraveling our eccentric upbringings to embracing all the delightfully odd interests we still have today.

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Welcome to Weird Kids.

New episodes release every Tuesday.

Hey there, it's Liam O'Brien and welcome to the Critical Role Podcast Network.

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Well, that should cover it.

Now let's dive into the adventure.

Sydney, how you feeling?

You're gonna have to do better than that.

Sydney, how do you feel?

Oh my god, DND is the ICC.

It rhymes, so you know it's good.

Guys, my name's Tom Cardi.

I'm gonna be your MC for tonight.

I'm gonna do some silly songs before some friends of

Thank you Before I have some friends come out here guys who the hell is excited for some critical role tonight

Yeah, I thought so I feel the same way guys this first song is a song I wrote I I watched the Titanic you've heard of that movie before

It's very good.

It's a new movie.

I got up to like halfway through when like Jack was painting Rose and it's very sexy, you know?

Like paint me like one of your French girls.

And I stopped it because it was too horny for me and I put it away.

This song is called Paint That Lady and it's about my future wife.

Thank you very much.

Hit the track.

Thank you.

It's serious.

It's very sexy.

Cross your legs guys.

We lock eyes from across the room

and you say what's up and I say What's up?

And we know that it's good.

Do you want to be my lady?

I want to raise your baby.

My only job is to pleasure you.

But first, I'm gonna use my thumb to measure you.

You know, you're dealing with a gentleman.

When I got a one-finger mamma,

lovely lady wants a gentleman's dick, but first, you get the acrylic.

I'm gonna paint you

with my watercolours.

We're gonna have sex,

but not just yet.

First, I'm gonna paint you.

It's an Aphrodisiac, girl.

Get the monet like Leo da Vinci.

I paint your cram like a butticelli.

Before I let you get away with this dick, I get to painting and I make it erotic.

You can be my rose, I will be your jack.

But we're not on a boat, we are out the back of my mother's house.

But the sexual tension is still titanic.

I can't wait to please you when I'm finished.

Painting you in about five hours.

Hour three, and you move your head slightly to the left.

Well, I think I better start again.

Hour eight, and the sun's coming up and the light has changed.

So I think I better start again.

The sexual tension has been greatly magnified by this 12-hour Bob Ross joyride.

I made you wait, now I know what you want.

And I'm going to give it to you, Sydney.

I'm going to do you.

I'm going to do you.

Sydney, I'm going to do you

with my charcoal.

I'm going to paint you

with my charcoal.

We're going to have sex definitely tonight.

But first, I want to get your head right.

I'm going to paint you.

I'm definitely not stalling for time.

No, I'm not.

Definitely not.

Definitely not.

No.

I'm not stalling for time.

I really do wanna have sex.

I'm not stuck at the tolling.

I'm not stuck at the tollin'.

No,

I'm not stalling.

Explosions.

They never put the explosions there.

I said, let's move the tables and just have explosions, but they wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons as well.

This next song is very important to me because I don't know if you guys know this, but Jacob Collier is coming here in December.

You guys know Jacob Collier?

You heard of him before?

He's like that English singer who's an incredible singer, and he makes his audience like sing in harmony.

And I thought it would be really cool

if if we prank the fucker.

So what we're going to do basically, and you have no choice in this, it was in the fine print of your tickets.

I thought it would be really funny if he gets here in December and he's like, oh yeah, I love the ICC.

I can't wait.

I'm going to do the very first like harmony choir of the audience.

And some

stage hand is going to be like, they did that at a Dungeons and Dragons show.

Six months ago.

Get the fuck out of here.

So basically, just don't freak out.

But halfway through this, I'm going to like divide you.

This half, you're going to sing a little harmony.

This half, you're going to sing a harmony.

And you're going to make my dreams come true.

This song is, thank you.

This song is probably the most powerful song in the entire world at the moment.

I wrote it when I was three and a half years old.

It's called Don't Touch My Monster Truck.

And

it's about you not touching my monster truck.

Thank you.

Let's do it.

Hit that.

Please play nice.

You can touch my Lego.

You can touch my Pokemon cards.

You can watch them jugger or play with thought of Asgard.

You can touch my fidget spinners.

My dad bought me 18.

You can play with anything, but please don't touch my monster truck.

You can play my Fortnite.

You love Fortnite.

You can touch my bike or my kite or my Spider-Man light.

You can touch my fucking slap face.

But if you touch my monster truck, I'll stab you in the face.

You can touch the pills that my dad keeps in the bathroom.

You can smell the things in my sister's bedroom.

You touch my Tonka truck?

I couldn't give a fuck.

What's the one thing I said?

Don't touch my monster truck.

If you touch my monster truck, I'll fucking bite you on your arm.

And then my mama gonna call your mama and say, take your dumbass kid back home.

And I know for a fact you got no tunker.

You got no fruit roll-ups in that two-bedroom apartment.

All you got is a marriage on the rocks.

And the feeling that you're fucked up by touching my monster truck.

Dendy.

Feeling that you're fucked up by touching my monster truck.

I'm like a four-year-old right now.

Imagine that.

Feeling that you're fucked up up, I touch shit.

If you tell anyone at school that I cried when you touch my monster twice,

I'll tell everyone at school that you got no TV at your house and you shit yourself.

My dad could beat up your dad.

My dad is John Cena.

I'm allowed to drink Coke.

You've got a weird dick.

My mum says that your dad is a cuck.

Alright, it's happening now.

This up.

We're gonna do it, alright?

Monster chuck, a monster, chuck, a monument, monster, chuck, a monster, chuck.

Repeat it now.

Monster chuck a monster chuck chuck a monument monster chuck Keep doing that.

It's up, ready?

Monster chuck a monster chuck a monument monster chuck a monster chuck all together

The kind of kid that you'd love to hear

But you can't cause it it is wrong So you're settled for watching me get hit by my mom in a

crowded supermarket

Crowded supermarket And take the opportunity while I'm stuck To kick the shit out of my monster truck

You kick the shit out of my monster truck

Drop right there

You wanna kick the shit out of my monster truck

Oh Sydney

kick the shit out of my monster truck

You wanna kick the shit out of my monster truck Explosions

I'm going to have a word.

It was on my writer.

17,000 explosions.

That was kind of cool.

Halfway through that, I became a DJ.

You see that?

Thank you.

I love you too, Tom.

Thank you.

I think it's kind of cool to think about just then.

We have some Americans watching, right?

That's what the cameras are here for.

How cool is it that there's like D and D here, but D and D there as well?

It blows my fucking mind, guys.

So I thought it would just be a cool opportunity because I think Americans are quite interested in the things that we say, right?

Like the little kind of funny, little buggery, get a dog up your sort of things that we say.

So I just thought in that, I use a lot of Australianisms in my music, and I just wanted to like clear in that song.

This is for you beautiful Americans at home and some who are backstage eating veg mud.

In that song, I said dunkaroos,

which in Australia, yeah, yeah.

no dunkaroos.

In Australia, a dunkaroo is a sex act.

A chocolate dunkaroo will cost you extra, am I right, guys?

This is my final song.

You've been so beautiful.

Thank you so much.

This song

is either about sending mixed messages to someone you like or punching someone's dad in the dick.

I don't know.

Let's go.

Hit the song.

It's Sunday night, and you're at home all alone.

Last night was great, it was our very first date.

So now it's time to pull out my phone.

I'm gonna send you something real quick.

It ain't gonna be a tick pic, no, no.

Romance needs clarity, but maybe that don't work for me.

I'm sending

mixed messages.

I send the first text in a cute way, and then I don't reply for seven fucking days, yeah.

Mixed messages.

Or you text me, what night am I free?

And I reply yes Full stop I send you a little smiley face So you send me back a little smiley face

And then I say hey and you write back hey and I say hey what

you say you said hey first and I say

okay

Croissant emoji fuck you

One second I say you're very pretty and then I show up at your house and I kick your dog yeah

It's a shihzu!

I pay for the dog's veterinary bill, but then I punch your dad in the dick, ha ha ha!

Now we're going to a hospital, just me, you and your dad in the back of an ambulance.

And even with your dad's broken dick, the air is thick with

I'm really sorry for punching your dad in the dick, I won't do it again.

You make me shake his hand, then promise, but as I do, I ball up my other fist and I.

Yeah, I punch your dad in his broken dick again.

You think I'm sexy because I'm mysterious.

Sending you these Mert Mix messages.

Stop punching my dad's dick.

Okay, but then I wink.

Grab both of my hands quick, stopping my third attempt to punch your dad's dick.

Oh baby, you've played this game before, but I've played more.

You got both my hands, so I use my head.

A headbutt, your dad's parents in the back of an ambulance.

And between their headbutts, our eyes lock as we're holding hands.

We can't help but kiss over your dad's not once, twice, thrice, broken dick.

i'd say i love you in a cute way and then i punch your dad's dick every day

tell your dad that i'm sorry but then punch him in his dick again

explosions

guys thank you so much

Now I've done my little song.

Are we ready for some friggin' D ⁇ D?

You're gonna have to do better than that.

Are you ready for critical role?

Let's bring him out.

First up,

let's make some noise.

The one, the only Laura Bailey.

Keep that going for Mauriti Ray.

Up next, we have Liam O'Brien.

Keep that going for number four in the roster, Tallison Jeffy.

Next up, Ashley Johnson.

Oh, yeah,

Travis Willingham.

Keep it going for Sam

Sam Regal

and your game master for tonight and forever, Matthew Massa.

Well, hello, everyone,

and welcome to tonight's wonderful Critical role live show here in Sydney, Australia.

Oh boy, it sounds like thunder.

Yeah, no pressure.

Thank you all so much for joining us here in person.

And those of you abroad or later, whatever it may be, but the energy in here is already palpable and terrifying in the best way.

Wow.

Boy.

But thank you all so much for joining us.

Before we jump into our episode tonight, we do have a few announcements to get through.

Marisha, you have a quick announcement to make, too.

My favorite part was how the front row was actually concerned in not having it.

They were like, no.

We saw your face.

I could see you.

No one said there was a splash zone.

It was very good.

We're sorry, Australia.

But before we get into that, just a friendly reminder to please not post spoilers of tonight's episode online.

Not just yet.

Did you know?

You're the first ones to see this.

So other people will have a chance to see this.

Share photos.

Talk about how great of a time you had.

But just don't post spoilers.

Don't be a dick.

Thank you so much.

That is the golden rule.

I believe that concludes our announcements.

So let's go ahead and jump into tonight's live episode of

Critical Road.

All my friends.

Sit down.

It's hard being a crocodile person

after the strange creeping of some odd sourceless spectral mist began to rob your troop of friends and members,

after a mysterious and sudden surge

of color,

only a few remain here on the deck of the nine heroes.

Laudna, Jester, Caleb, Yasha, Ashton, Chetney, and Beth.

Chilled to the bone and lost in the mist, it is but yourselves that remain upon this dock.

You did this, you

did this.

Children,

these waters are filled with beasts.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, thank you, yes.

She's found me again!

You can bring it down to the intermission.

Children.

The looming shadow of the fast-approaching island itself growing closer and closer as the midst of the chaos the anchor was not yet placed.

Before

you feel the ship lurch as it runs aground.

You glance over the side to see the dark, sandy beach that greets you.

Like an endless display of grains of long-tumbled obsidian, the black beaches of the island have met you.

Your mind and your wits just click in to realize

you're not sure what happened and where your friends are, but you've arrived.

Oh?

Where is everybody?

Imogen?

Imogen!

Hot Minotaur!

Hot Minotaur!

I'm going to send a message to Ford.

Alright.

Are you going to say his name twice?

It just feels like we were all doing that.

Ford!

Ford!

Yes!

Alright, good.

Alright, I'm going to send a message.

Forward!

Forward!

Okay!

Where did you go?

It's...

We are at the island, but you disappeared with everyone else, and

I'm really worried.

Did you go home?

Are you in the water?

Do I have more?

As the words leave your mind and your lips, the magical essence of the sending spell flings your cries out into the ether

you hear nothing in return

but hope they found the ears of your lover wherever he may be

don't worry if you're feeling lonely you know I happen to be

I happen to be an excellent cuddler

I believe believe you.

She is engaged.

She is engaged to be married, and some of us take marriage very seriously.

Now, where is your hot minotaur, friend?

Welcome to the shattered teeth.

Do you think we're ghosts?

I'd be so excited, honestly.

I don't feel like that would be much of a departure for you.

This is very different than what we had last time.

That.

does this even look like the same island?

Glancing around what little bit of the beach you can see, there's nothing about it that seems familiar.

Wait, when you guys were here before, did people disappear on you?

No,

there were some pirates and skeletons, and uh

there was some tattooing, but I don't think that that really counted.

Yeah, I got a whole thing on the oh.

Do you want some more?

I mean, look, I'm really distraught right now.

I could use use

a good distraction.

I would take one if it is.

Well, no, I've already given you some.

If you can figure out how to tattoo solid stone, honestly, that's a story I get to keep.

So, yes.

Caleb runs over to Mr.

Pockapi and kneels down quickly.

Let me see your hands.

Are they whole?

Any broken fingers?

Are you well?

Can you still work?

Oh, Jesus.

Another fanboy.

It only took 400 years for them to recognize my greatness, but now it's my turn, bitches.

My fingers are fine.

See, you can still make toys?

I can make toys.

Any kind of toys?

I rip one of the wooden columns out of the

edge of the ship and hand it to him.

Carve.

I mean, I can make a toy or I can make.

I have other things to worry about right now, Caleb.

A toy!

With that banister piece, it feels like that would be a hefty

double-sided implement of some sort.

It's a bit splintery.

Here you go.

Okay.

Half the work is done already.

For her pleasure, I'll get right on it.

We should really focus this.

Yes, yes.

We lost half our team.

You lost half your team.

No, you're right.

Lodna goes over and she picks up a glass and just throws it against a wall.

What was that for?

If we're ghosts, that's what ghosts do.

Oh!

I don't think we're ghosts.

Wait, wait.

Chetney runs towards the wall.

We're definitely not ghosts.

Wait, wait, can someone remind me what we were looking for in the first place?

Are you serious?

One minute.

One minute chore, and apparently this is what two weeks on the ocean has been.

Really?

I actually forgot as well.

It's quite a surprise.

We were looking.

Just a reminder wouldn't hurt.

We played the exposition five minutes ago.

I know, but

it wasn't piped backstage, so it was.

Yes, for some reason I could not hear it.

Sending is still a little awful.

Yeah.

The most dangerous mage in Xandria is hiding in the mists.

He's not that bad.

But okay.

You weren't there.

Ludinus.

Oh, man.

Ludinus.

We're looking for him.

He escaped or something.

And clearly he knows we're coming because he split us up.

Do you think it was him?

I don't know.

Or I thought the shattered teeth were just like this weird place that sometimes did weird, crazy things.

Was it Ludinus?

If he were trying to actually deal with this, why would he split us up, though?

I don't even necessarily think he knows we're here.

I think...

I mean, this doesn't feel like his, the kind of thing he would do.

Can we look around and see if the sky is the same?

Does it look like a technicolor dream code?

Are we does it look like the same space we were in?

Go ahead and make perception check for me.

Oh, shit.

First roll.

First roll.

Let's go.

Uh, 19.

19.

We're gonna live.

Not that.

Uh, glancing in the immediate vicinity, the mists themselves are thick, and that odd spectral mist that swooped in and took your allies away is no longer present.

Just the still cold, ever thick fog that completely swallows this island.

What you can see through the mists at this proximity is the shadowed, still mostly obscured shape of the massive monolithic mountain that consumes the center of this island landmass.

However, with the 19, you can tell a few things.

One, you can see the faint edges of a jungle line,

roughly 60 to 100 feet beyond the black sands that are at the edge of your ship.

And secondly, this is not just a solid mountainous mass.

It looks like the mountain itself has shattered,

like it had detonated from within.

You can see massive cracks and pieces of the mountain expanded outward and just locked in the air.

like it was frozen mid-destruction.

You can see dark shapes, ribbons of parts of the landmass winding around it, corkscrewing like this incredible, terrifying monolith

had been sundered and locked.

Oh shit.

You can't even see the peak of it, but the clouds swallow it partway up.

You can just see large boulders and chunks of it slowly rotating and shifting with the wind around it.

Just barely visible.

the outer shadow line of their presence visible.

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I'm going to jump off the side of the boat.

What?

I'm going to find my wife.

I'm with that one.

This is stupid.

We're out in the open.

Let's see if anything happens to her first.

No, I'm...

Really?

Does she survive?

You leap off the side of the boat.

Hitting like the black thing.

Your feet dig in.

Your dense heft of musculature pushes you a few inches into the beach.

You stand up strong, your broad shoulders holding your blade at bay, and the jungle line ahead of you.

Aww.

Hey, look how many friends it takes to jump off a boat for me.

I'm going.

I'm fine.

I'll go too.

Thank you.

Look at him go.

You're either out in the open or we head towards the jungle.

If we're getting off the boat, I'm getting off this boat.

Are we getting off?

I think we're here.

We should get off.

All right.

I got you.

All right.

I don't.

I will leap into Yasha's awaiting arms.

Perfect.

Oh, no.

One by one, you all step off the boat onto the black sands and begin heading in towards the jungle.

It only takes a few steps of Yasha leading this charge before you feel something tug at your boot, Yasha.

Something's tugging at my boot!

From beneath the black sands that begin to emerge and billow outward, you see these strange hook-like claws

latch onto the back of her boot as some sort of odd segmented beachworm, massive and terrifying, seems to claw up and begin to dig into her heel.

And you watch as the sand shifts around you immediately.

You've stepped into some sort of a feeding zone for massive,

terrifying beach entities.

I need you all to initiate.

You're right, we should have stayed on the boat.

That would have been great.

Yeah, no, totally.

Shit, this is so early.

I get to kill him.

Oh, balls.

I rolled good.

Oh, no.

Wow, no.

25 to 20.

Oh, no.

21.

Oh, no.

Yes, exactly.

Oh, no.

20 to 15.

Oh,

boy.

Oh, boy.

15 to 10.

14.

Oh, 14, 14.

Oh, 12.

Please,

Jester and Yasha are rollising.

19, 8.

Alright, Jester, Yasha.

And Chet with a 12, baby.

And then Ashton with a 10.

Ashton, all right.

What'd What'd you get, Caleb and Veth?

Eight, seven, watch!

Oh, boy.

All right.

So, Lodna, you begin to see these creatures, these odd, segmented, like claw-faced beachworms that most of their body is submerged, or at least

not visible behind.

As Yash means to step forward, you watch its body get pulled out of the sand.

You have no idea how long it is.

But even like the five, six feet that gets pulled free is a terrifying inclination of how much more might reside beneath the sand as it pulls at her.

But you have initiative.

What do you want to do, Love?

Icky, icky.

Um, wow, I hate this.

Uh, okay.

Let her die and run.

Okay, first and foremost, I will use my bonus action to go into my form of dread.

No, no, no, no.

What form does your form of dread take?

Well, look, you know, I've been inspired by the ocean and being on a boat, so it's like, you know, a little pirate winchy, but make it spooky.

So your hair turns into like clumps of black seaweed hanging from a pirate hat, sort of thing.

Oh, that's cool.

That's even better.

Yes, that's great.

That's cool.

Incredible.

And then from there, I'm going to go ahead and

cast

Bane.

Oh.

Oh!

There it is!

Lack of sound work!

It's that classic Bane line.

Yeah.

Alright, so you cast it on the one that slashed on Yasha's ankle?

Yes.

Alright, it fails at some point.

Wait, how many are there?

You just see one emerging at the moment, but you see sand shifting around other people.

Can I try?

If you want to hold your action brothers to a pop, you can do that.

I will hold my action.

Fair enough.

Prepare your bane spell for more to arrive.

Yasha, run,

stir up the sand.

She says that as the entity, its mouth and jaws open wider, almost like its head splits a little further down, and you can see just multitudes of weird, thick, viscous, saliva-covered teeth that begin to latch onto your leg.

It's going to attempt to attack you, Yasha.

Okay.

That's going to be 17 to hit.

No.

No.

It chews on your boot, but cannot find purchase in you.

However,

five other ones emerge around the others that are standing along the ground and making an attack against each of you.

Have you left the boat yet?

I mean, you said we all hopped off.

Well, you were the one that hadn't confirmed.

I'll give the opportunity to stay, or would you have joined everybody?

I would have joined.

Then six of them arrive and attack all of you.

So for, oh, that's a natural 20 against you, Veth.

Me!

But I'm just a cute little thing.

All right, Veth, that's going to be.

Hold on a second.

Actually, you know, you do get the bang going now.

I do get the bane.

It won't change the

critical, but it will affect the other attacks.

I'm going to do it at third level so I can get four.

Alden, you got it.

That's a fail.

That's a fail.

That's six, fail.

Seven, fail.

Even with a 14, it's a fail because you're high DC.

Oh, okay.

18?

18 is my DC.

Okay, so I'll say the one that's attacking Chetney succeeded, but the rest get a minus.

two

plus

three.

It's cause I got money now, isn't it?

Is this what I'm saying?

That is going to be

42 points of piercing damage on you, Veth.

Can I uncanny dodge?

Oh, that's it.

If you'd like to, yeah.

And 34 points of acid damage.

Whoa!

What?

As it wraps.

What?

You're level 20 and 17.

What am I supposed to do?

That is so much worse.

These terrifying, corrupted worms begin chewing up your leg, and one of them just kind of devours you halfway up, like Andy Circus in that weird King Kong movie.

The rest of you, at least the upper half of Veth as she has been half swallowed by one of these beach worms.

So you can have such.

It's 76 halved is 38 or something.

Yeah, so there you go with that.

So 38 points damage to you.

Against Caleb, minus a D4.

Oh, it rolled really low.

That's going to miss you.

Against Jester.

Oh, that's going to be

21 minus D4.

Minus one, 20.

Oh, that's my armor class.

All right.

And so with that.

Minus D4, you said?

Bane.

Yeah.

Bane.

Yep.

Boo.

Alright, so it's going to be

14 points of piercing damage

and 20 points of acid damage.

We gotta get off this beach.

We need a healer somehow.

I don't know.

With a minus D4 on you,

that's gonna be a 17 to hit you, Lagna?

Uh, shield.

Misses you entirely.

Ashton,

that's also going to be, well, yeah, same thing.

17 against you, Ashton.

I'm fine.

Yeah.

All right.

And Chetney is not baned, but against you, that's going to...

Same roll again.

So that's going to be 19 against you, Chetney.

Fuck, it's my AC.

Perfect.

Everything is going according to.

Oh no, your hands.

Oh no.

Whatever will you do?

Anything but my hands.

He needs that for me.

15 points of piercing damage.

1-5.

Yep.

And.

That's going to be.

19 points of acid damage.

Damn!

Ow.

As they all, you watch, as you all begin to pull back out of the way, you have your hand up.

Can I hellish rebuke?

Can I hellish rebuke?

You can indeed.

Constitution save on them or dexterity on that one?

I don't.

Dexterity.

Oh, massive failure.

Yes, that's 3D 10.

Let's go.

All right.

Woo!

16 plus 5, 21 points of cold damage.

21 points of of cold damage.

As your rebuke hits, he watches the icy rays of your energy burst and tear through this creature.

It kind of shrieks and pulls back a little bit, but still kind of tries to reach for you.

It looks fairly hurt, but still hold it, still like holding its gaze to try and rush towards you.

So, finishing their turn now, that brings us to the end of their go.

Next up in the initial order is Jester with Yasha on deck.

What do you want to do?

How you said it looks fairly hurt.

Yes.

And I did

21 points of damage.

Yeah, At least I took a hit.

Alright,

I'm going to cast.

I'm going to cast

spiritual guardians

at

fourth level.

Alrighty.

Should I do more?

Because

fifth level.

Okay, fifth level, I'm going to cast spiritual guardians.

And, you know, fifth level, spiritual guardian unicorns are like tougher than...

So I'm kind of looking at Ashton as I cast this.

And all of my spiritual unicorns are like

super punk as they come out.

They're all like this and like

sticking their tongues out.

Weird.

Hiked up moha.

Are they like their fingers coming out of the hoof or something?

Oh, yes.

Okay.

Why is Berjo?

These ones have hams just for this purpose.

Hams?

They're hamster unicorns.

They have little tiny fingers.

Ah, all right.

That's a better picture.

Okay.

Beautiful.

As they emerge out there, swirling around the space, some of these creatures are starting to

curl back away, prepared for what's waiting them the next time they have their turn.

But your guardians are up.

At the end of your turn, it brings us to Yasha.

Hello.

All right.

I am going to

rage.

And let's fuck it.

Let's go reckless.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah!

It's cocked,

which is appropriate for my merge role.

I'm okay.

I'm not going to start with that one.

I'm really sorry.

Okay.

Oh, that's not the best, but that's okay.

Alright.

That'll be...

Actually, that's not that bad.

24.

Yeah.

Oh, 24 definitely hits.

Okay, so it's a good thing.

So...

That would have been a crit in Dagger Heart.

Wow.

Alright.

So we got...

Oh, yes, and it hits.

So Divine Fury.

Okay, so we got...

Eight.

Alright.

Turn.

29 points of damage.

A hefty first hit on on the outer.

Your blade sh carves through a large chunk of it and kind of shears off, exposing its like somewhat dark purple-black innards as the outer armor gets cloven off and it kind of

shrieks back and it's still trying to hold on to you.

You can take your second attack to it.

Go for it.

Much better.

Okay, so not that it needed it.

17 plus 15.

With that hit.

Okay.

You can go real damage.

That is.

Ooh.

Alright.

Jet lag and math is really fun.

21 points of damage.

21 points of damage.

You cleave it a second time by setting it just in the back of where its head and clawed face would be.

As you shh carve free, it lets go and you watch as it falls to the ground, twitches before going still.

You've slaughtered it where it's.

Alright.

What I would like to do is reach my hand for it in the sand and pick up some of it and pick it up.

Dinner!

And I'm going to sling it over my shoulder.

That's gross.

You got it.

All right, as you say dinner and you shout this out to the rest of the group, you see a shape emerging from the tree line of the jungle, rushing foot over foot, sprinting in your direction.

If we could please have Tom Cardi come to the table.

Let's go!

Hello!

Hello!

Thank you.

If you wouldn't mind, Tom, describing what they see emerging from the mist and shadow rushing across the beach in their direction.

You say like a seven and a half foot blue man

with just like kind of white hair, kind of

like white hair, kind of like bouncy, kind of like cloud-like.

And he's just belting as fast as he can with like a gold leaf sort of loot slapping across his back very awkwardly.

And he's kind of trying to shout to you, but you don't quite maybe hear him.

But he looks super excited, but also incredibly terrified at the same time.

And he says,

There's worms in the sand!

Are you a ghost?

What?

Maybe.

Ghosts!

Are you ghosts?

And then he stops for a second.

You know, it remains to be seen.

We gotta get the fuck out of here!

I wouldn't stand there.

There's worms in the sand.

Oh, now

I'm aware of the worms, okay?

I'm fully aware of the worm situation in the sand.

Well, well, well, how do we- where do we go?

Just

get off the bloody sand, first of all.

Alright, let's go, let's go.

Yeah, we take off running towards them.

Start squishing.

All right.

I would like your whole group at this point, we'll say for the purpose of this, to make a dexterity saving throw, each of you

to try and dart away from the grasp of these worms to try and rush away from the beach.

A group dex check?

Natural 20.

Is this a check or a save?

Oh, this is the deck saving throws.

Save safe.

Okay.

Dex save.

Okay.

Hmm.

25.

Yeah, fantastic.

17.

17 barely succeeds.

You needed to beat a 15.

Come on, Widow Gas.

Well, I got a 6, but

I will use my Ring of Evasion to help me juke to the length.

Fantastic.

Alright, Lodna.

16.

16, success, Ashton.

15.

15 just barely makes it.

26, get off me.

After the one had been sundered and sent bloodied and scattered across the black sands, the others were kind of taken aback by it and all lurched for your team as you pushed off towards this strange

cloud-haired blue fellow that is shouting to you from the tree line.

And as we dart away, can I just stand still for just a minute so that my spiritual guardians can feel like they did something?

Well, the spiritual guard...

Yeah, so you s- Okay.

So while the rest of them run away, you instead start sort of doing like a dance in the sand to keep them from biting your feet.

With a natural 20, yes, you can totally.

You're like avoiding and like pirouetting around them, jumping off.

It's almost like a music video, like you're pushing off their face.

And every, as try as they might, you're just too cute to be hurt by them.

As the guardian, suddenly these punk unicorns just move and tear into them.

A bloody frenzy surrounds you.

You seeing this.

This is a minion!

There's something wrong with her, isn't there?

Yes.

Yes, there is.

Yeah, just a little.

As Caleb streaks through, he grabs three to five of them out of the air and shoves them in his coat and keeps going.

One by one, you'll ride rush away from the immediate danger of these beachworms.

They begin to

recoil back into the black sands, themselves still staying to the places they were buried and not giving pursuit into the nearby.

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Hey, like me, do you love guilty pleasure movies that are so bad they're good?

I'm talking about movies where Jason Statham saves the day or a lifetime thriller about a killer flight instructor or basically any 80s movie set in the near future.

Well, then you will love How Did This Get Made, the podcast where comedians Paul Scheer, June Diane Raphiel, and Jason Manzoukis unpack the very best of the very worst movies.

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So what are you waiting for?

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The podcast that makes sense out of the movies that don't.

Big and buff.

I think he's been eating steroids or something.

My characters are blurring together.

You don't eat steroids.

You can.

I put them up there.

No, it's true.

You don't eat them.

Put them up.

You do put them up.

Not up,

of course.

But that is

the appropriate way of doing it.

You've met Dorian.

This is not Dorian.

Everybody looks big to me, baby.

Well,

what's your name?

Thank you for warning us about the black sand that we were already dying in.

That's okay, but I just also think it's kind of rude to talk about someone else right in front of someone when they're standing in front of you.

Yeah, that's fair.

That's fair.

Okay.

Yeah.

You're very handsome.

Okay.

All right.

I don't know if I can blush, but let me try.

Oh, he's purple.

I'm just saying,

we're very happy you're here.

Thank you.

May I.

Oh, you are real.

Okay, okay.

I thought you were illusions for a second.

I thought you were just this island playing another stupid joke on me.

Okay.

How long have you been here?

Can I just touch everyone's shoulder first?

This is kind of a thing I have to do.

I appreciate that you asked, but now.

Okay, wait, wait.

How long have you been here?

How long have I

that's a good question?

That's a good question.

An easier one.

Why is the island stupid?

The island?

Why is the island?

Look around, dude.

You just got eaten by almost big worms in the sand.

We have a weird life.

Worms in the sand kind of happen on occasion.

That might have just been us.

No, wait, wait, wait.

You don't remember how long you've been here.

It's kind of complicated.

I know it wasn't recent, but it feels like a long time.

There's something in me that feels like I grew up here.

You know, when you think that you grew up somewhere, but you also can't remember anything about your entire existence?

No.

I don't know.

I was trying to connect with you guys.

All right, I fucked up.

You know, when you're seven and a half feet tall and blue, does anyone know?

Yes.

No, but I have a friend who does.

Okay.

Can I touch your shoulder?

Yeah, all right.

I try and pickpocket.

Wait, what's your name?

This is a long hug, but I appreciate it.

So go ahead and roll slight a hand, Ashton, if you wouldn't mind rolling a perception check for me.

That rolled really bad.

Roll poorly.

Yeah.

13.

15.

What does he find when he rummages through your pockets?

A bunch of sand and shells.

I keep a shell.

I'd just like to know I can pull it off.

Thank you.

Fantastic.

I'm drawing it.

My name's Ethel.

That's crazy to say out loud.

I feel like I haven't talked to anyone.

Ethel Rivergold.

And he kind of shows his flute, his loot on the other side, and he's like,

and it's inscribed with a little bit of gold.

He's like, yeah.

That's beautiful.

That's amazing.

Did you come here with anyone or did you actually grow up here?

No,

I've always been here.

I just don't know how...

how long.

Do you guys, you guys live here?

No, we just took a ship that ran aground here after half of our crews got sucked into nothing.

Oh my god.

Okay, this is actually real.

Okay, this sounds like a bad thing, but it's actually let's just put our bright smiles on.

This could be a really good thing, guys.

How so?

Let's all touch shoulders.

I'll tell you.

Come on.

There's a lot of shoulders.

Okay, okay.

Wait, wait, are you able to leave here?

Have you ever tried?

No, no, not at all.

Are we stuck here?

No, we have a ship.

Oh, I forgot.

Ethel, Ethel,

we're looking for someone, a very powerful mage named Ludinus.

Ludeness.

We heard they might have

a dwelling way up in the mountain.

Do you know anything about a Ludinus?

Yes, a silver-haired person.

A very sweet old man.

Will not shut up.

But

he also did some really bad things.

Terrible shit.

Smooth talker.

Oh.

He's kind of good-looking.

He sounds charismatic.

He's not.

Okay.

You seem conflicted over this in your own parties.

Look, I gotta say, I haven't really heard of this really hot old dude that you're talking about.

But I don't know, when you just mentioned the mountain, like I've checked everywhere on this island trying to get off here and try and understand what's going on.

How have you tried to get off?

Don't fucking do it.

Don't boom.

We're in another country.

We're in another country.

I mean, I was teed up.

Well, wait, wait.

Has the mountain always been a little explodey like this?

To be honest, that's why I'm kind of like excited that you guys are here, because I've checked everything on this island.

There's worms everywhere, number one.

But

every time I try and go up that mountain, I just...

I basically fall asleep and then wake up back down on the sand.

You fall asleep.

I just forget what I'm doing.

It's weird.

And then I walk down.

I'm like, oh, you know, when you walk into a room and you're like, oh, there was something I was supposed to do in here.

Yeah, it's me.

Yes, yes.

I touch his shoulder, inside check.

Oh.

It's a natural one.

Do you grab my knee?

I sure do.

What was I doing?

Wait, do you have family here?

I don't know.

I think so.

Well, boy.

I got those and I kind of point

like over

in the jungle.

There's these big statues There's these huge things that they I mean they kind of look like me So I imagine

yeah

What

it was his family that got turned to stone Maybe he was a statue that got turned alive

Do these statues I'm gonna very carefully walk over not super close do they look like a monument or somebody who unfortunately became well he he points into the jungle but you don't see them present you'd have to presumably travel in

pointing.

So I'm the world's greatest toy maker now, so I'm going to try this on a human, and I never have before.

Can I reach out and grab his knee, and I'm going to use grim psychometry

just to try and understand the story of where this blue beauty came from.

Interesting.

Go ahead, if you don't mind.

I don't.

Go ahead and roll for that.

I feel Chetney's hand meet mine on his knee and say,

it is a pleasure to watch you work, mr.

Puck

what are you guys saying down there

nothing important they're just talking about wood

as I grasp his knee and feel Caleb widow guest's middle finger start to rub mine

19

19

as

As you try and connect with whatever dark history might be present with this entity, known as Ethel.

The vision hits you a little bit up the thigh.

There it is!

You see a flash of the island's shape but in deep black silhouette against like a red sky, like some sort of artistic interpretation of a historical moment, just barely visible to your mind's eye.

You watch it crack open.

You see a black shape emerge from the center of a massive crevasse that seems to tear as it stops in place.

You see masses of jungle around this shattered island mountain shiver and suddenly hold in place like themselves still kind of taking in the quake of this destruction before time holds them locked.

Wind begins to pick up and swirl about and you see masses of people, you can't make up the details, hiking up the mountain, holding tight before this detonation locks in place.

And that's as much as you can make.

That's a strong leg, if I've ever felt one.

It was a massive eruption, cathartic even.

Are you talking?

Are you talking about the leg?

In my pants.

In my pants, yes.

I'm sorry, Ethel.

Your family is dead.

What?

You could tell that?

You could tell that?

It's true, I felt it in my heart.

You're all alone here, so you better stick tight with this kid.

Listen, rich little child.

Very expensive little Chihuahua boy.

I've never experienced therapy before, but I just saw that so vividly.

And he swings his lyre around and he says, Rich little child, don't you cry.

You've helped me on the by the by.

And then it'll kiss on the forehead, and he gives you a little D12 just for your future

bardic inspiration.

Yeah.

That was beautiful.

Feeling good.

New favorite person.

He just made up a song on the spot and inspired someone.

That was...

I've never seen anything like that.

That's so good.

Whoever can do that is a genius.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Don't encourage him, stop.

It's clear we have to get to that mountain.

Our answers lie

above.

I mean, it is like a giant mountain villain speech.

Like, look at that thing.

As you glance up towards the massive shadow apex that itself is lost in the thick cloud above,

you feel the temperature drop around you.

You hear the shaking

of thousands of trees at once in the distance get louder and louder, like some sort of shock wave is coming close.

And suddenly the light of the mid-afternoon, shrouded in fog as it is, grows dim before this wave of darkness

emerges and washes over you.

You all feel like some unseen dark force just pushes through your very spirit in a flash, communally.

You all

lose four hit dice.

Whoa.

What?

Whoa.

I don't know how to mark that down.

Well,

fuck this place.

You have, to remind you how to play Dungeons and Dragons,

you have a number of hit dice equal to your character level divided amongst your classes.

So if you're level 20, like some of you are, you're now down to 16 hit dice.

Okay.

But you only use hit dice to heal during rests, right?

That's fine.

Yeah, we're not gonna rest.

Oh, boy.

Oh boy.

Speaking of, I was a little bit hurt back there.

Jesse, do you mind giving me a little bit of a...

No, hurt?

How hurt?

I mean, probably not enough to warrant using anything.

It's fine.

I'm fine.

I'll just suck it up.

I feel guilty for asking now.

I'm bleeding for my ears.

I think it's like a healing word or something.

Hold on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's fine.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let me look.

Look, I haven't fully chosen my spells yet.

Are any of them healing spells?

No, Matt didn't hear that.

Matt didn't hear that.

You've chosen everything.

You're good.

I'm sorry to spring this live show on you, Laura.

It never changes.

It never changes.

Nope.

I can take a healing spell

you're so generous yeah

give me give me a second i'll okay okay in the meantime

ethel

ethel are you when you trek up the the mountain or the remains of the mountain

is anything familiar to you do you know why you want to go up there is it just a sense look Really, it's just everything else on this island wants to kill me.

When I go up there, it feels like something doesn't want me up there.

And then when you return to the lowlands, to the beach, are you brought there or do you just sort of sleepwalk back?

I just kind of sleep.

It's kind of like

sleepwalking, yeah.

It's not a great time, guys.

Also, I just got reminded my family's dead, so that's kind of a bummer.

Well, maybe not.

Maybe they're just frozen statues.

Yeah, and plus, if you go back up, when you come back down, you'll forget again.

So,

okay.

Wow.

That's true.

And I guess, in a way, I've got a new family now, right, guys?

Oh,

touchy, touchy, shoulder, shoulder.

We're still trying to negotiate a new marriage between two pre-existing groups.

Let's take it together.

You're welcome to join us.

Yeah, we're pretty sure one of these groups is going to die, and then you can stay with the other one.

So we'll just get friendly.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, dive, dive, dive, dive, dive.

Fuck.

I love you.

Wait, healing spells.

All right, you don't have to heal.

No, it's fine.

I'll be okay.

I already had cure wounds, apparently.

Accidentally?

I just didn't.

Look.

Look.

You know, Vega.

I'm gonna heal you.

Even if you didn't tell me you were a mother, I'd know at this point.

You know that, right?

You're fine.

You don't need anything.

Oh, my God.

Because I take the weight of the world on my shoulders to just provide life and happiness to others.

There we go.

Yes.

Yeah.

That's true.

Me, like all other mothers, are saints.

Ethel, show us the way.

Okay, and I point at the top of the mountain.

Let's go.

This seems like a solid plan.

Well,

hang on a second.

We're looking for our friends.

Do we think our friends are at the top of the mountain?

Look, if your friends are anywhere, they're not literally.

I've checked everywhere here.

All right.

Sure, let's go to the top of the mountain.

DM, can I use Hunter's Bane to sense for any Fae, fiends, or undead in this general area as we're moving?

Sure.

Go ahead and make perception check with Advantage for me, please.

Oh, Advantage, he says.

Wow.

That was just balls and ass.

ass two fours

you're keeping your eyes peeled and you're confident that you're keeping your friends safe

no problem

as you cross beyond the boundaries of the black sand beach and enter the jungle the trees that surround you thick with overgrowth the palms and leaves themselves a deep verdant green marbled with striations of black and gray the air itself has has like an odd fume to it, this kind of

like an acrid, almost oil-like smell to the air as you enter.

The ground itself, it's soft with each footstep.

And you glance around, even the nearby trunks of trees have an odd kind of jagged texture to them beyond any jungle you've passed in before.

Who is leading this pathway into the jungle?

Are you all following Ethel?

Maybe I'll just join Ethel and give a little as we're going.

Oh, thanks for sniffing me, big fella.

It'll make sense later, I swear, but I have a great sense of smell.

All right, so are you helping him or is?

I'll help Ethel.

All right, Ethel, I'd like you to go ahead and roll a D20

with advantage because of his help and add your survival or wisdom.

Very glad that it wasn't.

Okay.

Yep, that's an 18.

18.

Not too bad.

As you move through the thickened jungle, and you feel a connection to this land, a historical connection, something that is ancient and real, and you, even though you've been through this jungle a hundred times, it still feels

fresh in some ways, but something in your mind guides you, like your feet know before your mind does.

And you guide this troop from path to path.

You see marked trees.

You see branches that hang small baubles and what looks like carvings, small stones on long bits of leather cord that are denoting landmarks landmarks throughout here,

remnants of a culture that calls this place home.

And you follow these marks and leading them deeper and deeper in, further towards this jungle.

You do come across the first of these carved statues.

A beautiful-looking monument itself, about 12 feet tall, not dissimilar to the shape of Ethel as far as physicality, humanoid, but broad-shouldered,

itself looking like it's carved to be some sort of warrior.

Elements of a carved texture that denotes a shoulder fur and a bow and arrow in its hand.

And you see it almost like it's it's a a symbol of mythology that sits here either as a marker, a warning, or a bit of history to the people that call this island home.

So it doesn't look like a terrified victim, it looks like a carved relic.

Looks like a carved relic.

Oh.

Does it have any writing on it or ruins?

Make an investigation check for me if you don't.

don't.

Okay.

I'm gonna be doing prayer of healing

while we're here.

Ritually?

No.

I don't have that.

Oh.

I'm gonna just pray.

So it's not actually gonna help.

It's just no, it's helping.

Oh, okay, okay.

It's helping.

I'm gonna do it at third level so you get 3d8 healing

after 10 minutes.

33.

33.

Yes.

There are markings on it, not of language, but you see,

it's a series of symbols that, with a 33, you can ascertain speaks of a heroic figure.

There are markers that speak of a figure that was beloved by the people of this island, who saw an entire generation through the dangers and challenges of the wilds and tamed them and is a representation of survival and health, and is a sign that you're taking the proper path.

That's what you get from the shapes and symbols that adorn its base.

We're going the right way.

Uh, Lodner will just sort of shimmy up.

Can I use Eyes of the Runekeeper to see if I can discern anything else?

I just looked.

Do you speak shapes in wingdings?

Because I do.

I speak comic sans.

Well.

Papyrus?

Oh, why not do?

Never!

I really love font humor.

My favorite.

That does feel like Yasha's speech.

Caleb quits mid-ritual casting of Copperhand language.

I was like, well, fuck it then.

As Caleb storms off into the nearby brush, glancing at these same symbols that Vess hadn't realized,

you gather a name, Vashan.

Vashan.

Vashan.

You say this instinctually out loud, and it triggers a memory in your mind, Ethel.

Vashan?

My dad used to tell a story?

Vishan.

Oh my god, yes.

Vashan.

This is incredible.

I'll give a little kiss

to this.

That's the traditional thing that we do.

Oh, she all.

Should we

Yes.

If you want.

Yeah, I'll go to the lead if you do.

All right, but yeah.

As this memory washes over you, Ethel, you recall the youthfulness of childhood

and many other children of this island around, the stories being told generation to generation.

Memory might be yours, might be someone else's.

It's a bit blurred in the space.

But you feel that vacancy.

that hollow bit in your chest that you can't shake off.

That sense that something's not right, something's not here, something is missing from you.

And the rest of you watch as the smile fades from Ethel's face as he looks towards the statue and this kind of vacant,

cold, almost fearful, lonely look washes across his expression.

See those markings on the arm?

The stripes

coming down.

Yeah.

He puts his arm up.

It's been so long since I've seen someone with those

like me.

That's terrible.

Do you guys want to get a bunch of tattoos?

I feel like I already said yes to that earlier, so yes,

right there.

Hi, if you need one, I'm here for you.

Sounds like a good bonding experience.

Also, I can heal you if it hurts.

The tats will be fine.

Yeah.

And anybody that is hurt, even though not hardly anybody else is,

can take 26 points of healing.

Whoa!

I'll take some.

All right.

I'm fine.

Guys, I feel like you've been sent here for me.

Is that crazy?

Yeah, we were sent here for someone else really.

You were sent here for me.

Okay.

I tell you what, Ethel, if you I'll get the arm markings just because I feel like now we're connected.

If you get a couple letters and a crown on your shoulder.

And we'll start a new franchise, bitches.

Chetney, as you stare off into the distant jungle with that smile on your face, the jungle seems to pull away like a focus itself is pushing into the darkened shadow.

Uh-oh.

And the sound of the nearby critters in your eyes and

your ears shifts into the familiar, dark, creepy sounds of the Fae.

You hear a distant cackle and a reminder that what you have as a master was gifted.

And one day that debt will come for you.

As the cackle fades, you return to your vision, and the rest of you see a faint bit of sweat upon Chetney's brow.

Are you alright, Master Pockapea?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, just a reminder of my own more

mortality, and my limits isn't hardest.

Um,

it's fine.

It's fine.

I think we should keep moving.

You've got a deal, Ethel.

Tattoos exchanged.

Do you want me to do it right now, or do you want to keep moving?

No, we got to keep moving.

Okay, I can do it while we walk.

Let's do it while we walk.

That sounds like it's going to be really natural.

That sounds like a great idea.

Why?

Hold on.

I can.

I think, Caleb,

I'm new to wizardry, but

is it one of the uses of pressed digitation to instantaneously create a mark that lasts for an hour?

Yes, it's probably very painful, but yeah.

Oh, it can be like a template.

Or a temporary tattoo.

And don't sell yourself short.

Hurt the man.

Oh.

All right, I can try to magic.

Who am I tattooing?

Wait, no!

What?

I'm not.

Oh, you're gonna do it?

You're gonna do it?

All right, all right, you do it.

I have my stuff out and everything.

Okay, great.

Then you go, you go.

It's gonna look really good.

While we're walking, it's gonna look great.

I look around for arch mages.

Hold your arm.

This is really good.

You You do this often?

Yeah, all the time.

What am I doing exactly?

As I start putting like a smiley face on this one.

The letters RTA and the little crown above it.

Oh, like yours?

Yeah, like mine.

I cast haste on Jesse.

With that, Jester, could you please roll a dexterity check with advantage?

Oh, advantage.

Because of the haze.

A check?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Um.

Yes.

That is 13.

So.

It hurts a little bit,

but she is rapid, confident.

As she, through some odd contraption and her focus, you almost for a second see like a spectral hand across hers, some green-like hand that's guiding her

iconography across your arm.

And as it completes, you look down to what looks like a G.

It could be an R, it could be a G.

It's a little, it's a little wobbly.

Look anything along.

No, but I have very different letters.

Well, I was in the middle of putting a tusk to it and then he said it was supposed to be an R, so I just

shimmied it.

Yes.

It's like when you're writing a check and you underline, you write the letter a few times in a row because you fucked it up the first time and now it's just a lost cause.

It's beautiful.

Do you like it?

I love it.

Good.

Was this supposed to be like significant to your ancestry or something?

Oh, shit.

Just call it a rune.

No one will know the difference.

And now you're going to get your tattoo, right?

Yeah, deal to deal.

Hit me, Veth.

Oh, me?

Yeah, make it hurt.

What am I tattooing on this

young West?

Like these.

Just lines?

Yeah, four long lines that run.

It's the same as on this giant kind of like statue.

Four long

lines that run down from the shoulder to the elbow you'll just have to perfectly split my biceps and my triceps

all right i will take a drop of mercury and put it in my palm and smash it with bat guano

and

some spice and pepper and smash it around and cast rest of this jason

caleb's hand reaches in with a pearl at the last time and as a spellmastery, I cast Fortune's favor, and a little bit of dunomancy shines out of Veth's head for this temporary tattoo.

Great.

So,

are you doing this temporary, or are you doing the permanent tattoo, but using the precipitation?

I'll try permanent.

You're going to be dead soon, anyway.

So, roll dexterity check with advantage, and you can re-roll one of those dice if you'd like.

I never re-roll dice, Matthew.

Dexterity check?

Yes.

So that's just plus.

Okay, 23.

23.

A fantastic representation of these cultural lines upon Ethel's arm and this statue you see carved here in the midst of the jungle.

Rapid and quite well made.

Does it hurt?

It's so fast you can't tell at first until suddenly.

at the age of three

Wait, your memories, they're coming back.

They are coming back.

That scream was exactly what I needed.

It's odd.

Yeah.

Because you recall that.

But at different ages and different entities.

It's like seeing other people that you grew up with around you and hearing that scream.

You remember the culture, you remember the people.

Like generationally, there was people who have been here for a long time in this island and you among them.

And you remember you're not, that's where you're taking them.

To the mountain, but you're not too far from it.

And it's only a short distance beyond where you had stopped at the statue before you begin to see the outskirts of a community.

You see a village here in the midst of this jungle, an incredible,

abandoned village of grand scale.

Housing built for tall, broad folk.

You see the use of stone carving, earth sculpting, and weaving the jungle itself into the homesteads around here.

A beautiful patchwork of community.

You can see equipment for tanners and hunters and fishmongers.

You don't see any

people in here, but a handful of other large statues and dozens of other small ones scattered throughout.

You can see

areas for other communal occupations.

And it's just quiet.

It's just silent.

Does it look

abandoned, or does it look like everything came out in a rush?

Like, does it seem like things were just dropped where they were?

Does it seem like it was an organized make a perception or an investigation check?

Cool.

Those go great for me.

Can I assist him?

Sure, if you'd like.

God bless you.

Yes, Use that thingy.

The thingy you have

to see the memories.

I already did it once.

You're limited?

It also only works on legs.

Knees.

And toes.

Oh, there's a NAT 20 in there, so that's cool.

Yeah!

21 investigation.

Looking around,

it looks like there wasn't a rush, there wasn't a panic, there's no destruction to things around this village.

Okay, a few things.

Financial 20.

Love you.

One, you look amongst the various statues that sit throughout this environment.

There's about ten of them that match the size and scope of the one that you would encounter in the jungle.

And here you can see there are other hunters and what looks like armored figures that are stalwart and striking poses that speak to guardianship and honor.

They are beings that seem to either be cultural or mythological, that represent facets of maybe what people looked up to for protection or for inspiration in this village, and are placed towards central crossroads as a reminder of either those that came before or who they want to be in the day ahead of them.

Now, the other dozens of individuals are incredibly detailed

and they all look like they're surprised.

You see, some of them look to be just walking with children in their hand.

You can see others that are gearing up, others that are gathering their family and rushing to one side of their homestead, some within homes themselves,

others that look like they're rushing to the outskirts, but all of them are looking towards the mountain.

You also see throughout the houses

everything that they were going about their day.

As with this investigation, you realize that these are not carvings.

These are the denizens of this island themselves locked in a fateful moment of realization and terror and concern.

But the rest of their lives remain left where they were.

Dust heavy and gathered.

Bits of scrolls and kind of denoted bits of materials just

abandoned as the people here returned to the very stone that carves this island amongst the sea.

Being as familiar with the Soberis Assembly and Ludinus Deleth as Widow Ghast and the group is, um

does this seem to Caleb like his ML?

Oddly, no.

It, I mean,

You know that Archmages are capable of many terrible things, but there's nothing here that speaks to you as like a call sign.

His and the Cerberus Assembly's work in the past generally,

how do I put it?

Clean up after themselves.

This feels

like something a little more

unexpected

and seismic.

Just to let you know, when I grabbed his very powerful knee, it seemed like there was something that erupted from the ground which is where the mountain is now and it it it shot everything into the air and it froze in place so I think whatever happened was Something on a more cataclysmic scale than maybe the doings of one individual well what if like he had his clone or something like buried deep within the mountain and it was triggered to erupt when like Ludinus himself actually died or something and all these other people had like built a community around it but as soon as he, you know, Ludinus died, this like centuries-old thing like exploded out of the mountain, and that's that's what it was.

Maybe.

Sure.

I'm just saying, I look up in the sky.

Is he up there above the mountain?

No, but what you can see breaking through the canopy of the dense jungle that sits above this village,

you can see a heavy wind that is blowing the mists and fog rapidly.

There is almost like a

a mass speedy continuous wind above the trees that encircles this time-frozen mountain.

You can see wisps of cloud and a bit of strange fume just

moving by quickly.

And while it's relatively still here in the jungle floor, the very tops of the trees themselves, you can see them shaking with just the baseline of that wind before it picks up on the mountain itself.

And when I spied on Glutenus in the past, he was sitting in a cloud, basically.

Above the cloud.

High above, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not going to take any chances.

I'm going to burn my ninth-level spell slot right now.

What?

Okay.

Fireball?

Silly way to be sure.

I finally end Chetney's suffering.

A look of starry nebula appears all around Caleb as I cast Foresight.

And I begin to see this entire party,

echoes of them moving a few feet ahead of them and behind them.

So it is a bit like I am tripping balls

and seeing just the immediate future for everyone present.

That's it.

Lodna goes up and just goes like, ooh.

Does it look weird?

Lautna, Lautna, please.

Yes.

You're making me dizzy.

I'll say, given that it's Ninth Devil Spell and his foresight,

glancing about those brief glimpses of time before current time, you see scatterings of searching.

And while you had pointed out and noticed, like, there are bits of materials, there are, like, scrolls kept in some of these buildings.

It looks like there was a very

functional and learned culture here, as isolated as much of the Shattered Teeth is, that kept a record.

And your keen mind can't forget that information is always

an important thing to a man.

Books.

Books, Caleb.

Books.

I'm worried that our old friend might be waiting up at the peak.

But there's always time for literature.

And just

to double-check it, are there any

like claw marks or tracks in the sand of things, creatures that I would know have the ability to petrify people, basilix, behirs, anything like that, any large footprints around?

Make a perception check for me, if you don't mind.

Can I look around and see if there's any

troves of

material, of scrolls, like not just scattered about, but centralized into one location.

Sure.

Make an investigation check for us.

16.

16.

Glancing about, thankfully, you don't see anything present and threatening, nor do you see anything that seems

to fit the bill of what you're inquiring about.

You see claw marks and footprints of all sorts of strange clawed creatures who may have moved through here in the past or recently.

It is a very

active jungle, just from the distant sounds of clicking and screeches that echo through some far distance.

Nothing close enough to where you immediately feel in danger, but enough to know this is a

place where nature thrives in the shadow of this mountain.

There's no chaos in their movement.

They all seem to be running in one direction from something else, like

a wave overtook them rather than...

All the statues?

Yeah, they're not...

That doesn't seem like they're being picked off one at a time.

It looks like they're all looking towards the mountain, and then

it happened.

Damn.

And can I just take a look at the scrolls before you

resolve that and see if I can discern

how old they might be, how long ago this was?

Sure.

Go ahead and make.

I'd say for that, you also make an investigation check.

All right.

I rolled a one,

but reliable talent, 25.

That's the rogue shit.

All right.

Definitely don't re-roll to see if you crit as a halfling.

Don't do it.

Loop.

All right.

So you do gather up a number of these.

It looks like this.

Some of them have been pulled apart and kind of eaten by some of the nearby creatures.

So they've been around long enough to where some of the nature has crept in.

And you can see, like, vines have grown, elements of the island have begun to retake the landscape.

While all this is happening, Ethel, a couple of names come into your mind.

Utazo.

This village was called Utazo,

and it thrived for many, many generations.

You've been here.

You know this place.

You were here.

Utazo was home.

The island was home, but this was the home to the culture here.

And you glance up at the island, the island mountain, and the name that comes to your mind, and the proximity here.

in a home base amongst people that their presence seems to almost clarify more of your grounding here.

Korun Pamina.

That's this mountain.

The heart and the home of this island.

Say that again.

Korun Pamina.

Did you catch it the first time?

Korun

Patina.

There you go.

That's close enough.

This is a very important place.

But guys, I'm kind of...

I've just realized something.

I'm looking looking at the frozen people.

Why am I the only one that's not frozen like this?

Yeah, I was just wondering that's a very good question.

Maybe you were like out swimming when everything happened.

I can't swim.

Oh, have you checked?

Are you sure?

Well,

have I checked if I can swim?

Yeah.

Maybe you're just...

Maybe you forgot you could.

Yeah.

Maybe you were pooping.

It's not.

I wasn't pooping.

I mean, I could have been.

I can.

Yeah, that's actually a fair point.

I was about to say, I can't poop, but I can poop.

Maybe, Maybe music protected you somehow.

Like a song?

I don't know.

You seemed pretty good at it, and you carry that loot or lyre.

I've heard both.

Wherever you go, it changes, I suppose.

You think, like, okay, and I try, and I pull it across and I play some sweet chords into the ear of one of the closest

statues, and I just hum.

But nicer than that.

Wow, that sounds nicer.

As you play and as you hum, the music seems to find resonance in the air around you.

You all watch as it's almost like the music causes the landscape to brighten with color.

Like the saturation of the surrounding land seems to come more vibrantly to life.

As the song of the hum vibrates from your closed throat, the vocal cords seem to shift the air to a warmer coloration, a warmer temperature.

There is a magic to your song that resonates with this land, with the surrounding village, with the natural greenery that encompasses this jungle.

And it's a magnificent sight to watch this connection.

As this continues outward,

you...

Feel that loneliness

crawl through you once more as the music feels feels like it's one of a two-part harmony.

A note that needs another to complete.

And that hollow sensation hits you once more, and you see a flash in your mind of a shadow pulled away.

Something important to you, gone

on the other side.

My dad taught me that song.

Oh, is that you were murmuring some lyrics about punching a dad and a dick?

Is that...

Was that your dad?

It was some kind of...

He wrote about someone else.

You should have seen my father.

He was incredible.

Everyone liked his songs.

And they even shared his songs a lot.

Often.

I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to sing that again.

Properly, that song about punching dads in the dining.

You have to.

It's too good to let it die.

It's true.

I don't even remember the words.

I was always only able to hum it.

Well, did you see the landscape change as soon as you were singing?

Yeah, that was.

You have to keep going.

Maybe if we help you, we can all remember the lyrics.

By improvising a musical lyric.

It's like a bad rap.

Oh, no.

Do you recognize any of these statues?

Like, do you know any of them?

The ones that look like they're my friends, or the other ones that are...

Honestly, both?

Both.

Do I recognize any of the...

As you begin to focus, the one that's nearest to you, you see

an older, stout-looking giant kin who has a big satchel over his shoulder that itself is also stone.

You see that square jaw with a slight confused head tilt, and

you know this one.

His name was Giorio.

and he was

He was a mentor and a guide to the youth of this part of the village and you glance over at

A matronly looking figure that is protecting two children by a nearby building and you remember her

She's Flora

and her two children Kirin and Lodon

And you start looking at these statues and you remember you knew all of them.

They are all family.

This whole village is family.

That mist gets pushed from your mind for a second and you feel a sense of connection with this village that breaks through your sense of loneliness and fugue, fog in your brain.

And you don't realize the tears that begin to billow in your eye at this forgotten sense of belonging.

I don't think you can understand how hard it is to be a Goliath who plays music.

Look at this guy.

Look how strong this giant buff

fighter.

But everyone was really nice to me when I put down the sword and I picked up the lute or lyre and

I played some.

You can't imagine how supportive these people were.

And now they're just.

They're gone.

So wait, you remember it now?

I remember.

Yes, yes, I remember it.

So how long ago did it happen?

I don't remember.

Well, I only asked because, like,

you know, if you had to pick one,

we never used this shit, but I have a vial of cleansing flame.

What's that?

Which, if you throw at a creature within 30 feet, the target is briefly engulfed in white fire, taking 2d6 fire damage.

But then the creature can then end any or all of the following conditions afflicting it: blinded, charmed, deafened, paralyzed, petrified, or poisoned.

So maybe one of these people could come back if you you wanna

But just one

Wait, so

choose the form of your destroyer

Back it up just a moment or are you saying that when they come back they're on fire

Look it's not perfect, okay

Maybe not one of the kids they might not have enough hit points

Only one way to find out

Are you sure you want to use that on me?

I mean, we made it through a whole campaign and we never used that shit.

It means a lot that you'd set one of my petrified family members on fire.

Thank you.

If I had to choose anyone, it would be Joyo.

I mean, yes.

He actually made this loot.

He made the loot.

Is that a final answer?

You've already popped the top of that.

Oh, wow.

Let's

You watch as Chetney chucks this vial.

It shatters across the stone form of Chiorio.

As it impacts, bright, vibrant white flames

wreath the figure like some sort of strange mystical vision.

The fire itself moving with a lively shift.

The shape that was once still frozen begins to move.

You watch this strong, older figure begin to lurch forward.

Do we have water?

Roll damage for that, please.

Oh, no!

2d6.

2d6, I'll tell you this.

He has 10 hit points.

No!

No!

Nine.

Nine

I'll finish him off.

The flames burn away,

and there,

sweet, mentorly Jorio lays on the ground.

What strange flame

has nearly taken me

back to the spirits of this land?

Who are you?

Why would you do this to me?

Jorio, Jorio, it's me.

It's Ethel.

Who?

Oh, shit.

Ethel, it's me, it's Ethel.

It's good fire, Jorio.

Why are you acting so weird?

Oh.

Just take a short rest.

You'll feel so much better.

Wow.

Wow.

On fire and short rest.

The skin, it leaves my hands.

Why do you leave me in so much pain?

Oh, fine.

Okay,

on.

All right, roll your cure wounds.

What level do you cast that?

He's only got 10 hit points.

He also doesn't recognize Ethel at all.

Oh, that's a tat.

That's that's eight.

That's great.

The burns, scars, risk.

That's still pretty good.

Great.

See, he's fully healed.

Yeah, that's wonderful.

Quick, set him on fire again.

It was a wonner.

Thank you, strange blue vision lady.

You're welcome.

Hi.

The traveler be with you.

What happened here?

The village hit.

No.

And he walks up to the woman and like touches her face and the children.

No!

No, what?

Uh-oh.

Oh, now we're calling him causing emotional damage.

This is great.

Just all the trauma.

Don't worry, they'll come back eventually.

We're gonna find a way to do it.

You know, if I'm here long enough, I could day by day

help out a couple people.

But they'd have to stay for a really long time, and I had to choose that spell.

Listen, we're sorry to bring you back amongst such dire circumstances, but we're trying to figure out what happened here.

Do you remember anything before you were turned to stone

yes

the coracle was telling us

the what the coracle and he points back and you watch his face drop as in the middle of the village you see this beautiful garden this like multi-tiered circular garden in the center about maybe 300 feet from where you stand you recognize this as one of the kind of the social congregation grounds of the village of Utazo.

And there in the center, you see a robed Goliath figure standing, arm outstretched in the direction of the mountain, others around, and he's mid-word, but himself also locked in stone with the rest.

And he goes,

We had...

We had visitors.

Strangers from outside the islands,

ship-borne folk belonging to.

They called themselves of the Wandermen.

We were moving away from other host villages that we traded with and were low on supplies.

And they brought much here for us.

But they were fleeing malignant forces beyond our understanding.

And they asked for safety.

They asked...

to stay here for a time.

There was discussion of trust,

but they kept away from the village.

And they brought goods.

They brought beautiful oars and gifts of tools that were

enchanted beyond our ability.

And there was a time where things worked well,

if distant.

They brought their ships within the mountain caves on the northern, northeastern side.

But then the coricle began to have dreams.

Bad dreams, and he looks up of that.

Of the mountain shredding,

of something dormant.

He said they would,

and his eyes go wide as you feel that cold sensation wash through the village again.

As a dark wave of energy

shoots through once more.

I jump behind Ashton.

Fair.

You all lose six hit dice.

What?

Whoa.

Listen, bro.

The wave washes by, and that sense of cold hits your body.

And as it does, a communal vision shocks.

through your mind.

Imagery of something deep within the rock.

Something Something old and dead and angry and betrayed.

A shred of forbidden and ancient elemental life.

Scattered, broken, alone,

released.

And tearing through the mountain with a scream.

A hellish, ancient, deep scream.

As you all return to your vision now, here on your knees, the breath pulled from you.

Ice gathered around your noses, your eyes, and your ears.

That pluck of your life shunted from you from that wave, this weird necrotic burst from the center of this broken, frozen mountain.

And you see, Giorio, mid-word,

now returned to stone.

So he had one hit die

and lost it and is stone.

We're gonna turn to stone.

We keep losing.

Shoot!

We are going to turn to stone.

We gotta hurry.

We gotta hurry.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

I think we are taking too much time here.

We gotta get out of here!

Daddy's got five left.

Yes, no good.

I gotta get out of here.

It's not good.

Wait, wait, how do you know?

How do you know how many you have total?

Look in your short rest thing.

No, but like from a role play perspective.

Oh!

I look at my arm.

Oh, it's withering.

Five.

That makes sense.

That makes sense.

I buy that.

Oh, my gosh, we have to hurry.

All right.

You, Ethel, you can't shake the experience of looking into the eyes of someone you knew,

like all these people of the village, who look back at you with a look of recognition, but not you.

They didn't know who you were.

And as lonely as you felt previously,

this hits a darker shadow in you, and that

you know now something

you're only half of yourself here.

We have to go up that mountain now.

But what if you forget everything again?

You guys could just push me or carry me or something.

It's about this moment that you hear in the surrounding dark canopy of this jungle.

How do you make that fucking sound?

Arnar.

The canopy shakes in places.

Leaves begin to tumble.

As darkened shadow shapes plummet from the trees above.

Strange furry bears with clawed hands and wait, are you doing drop bears?

You're not doing drop bears.

It's a joke, Bear.

It's a drop bear.

It's a joke.

Drop from the jungle canopy above.

Predatory drop bears.

It's an Australian thing.

And that's where we go to break.

We'll see you all here after an admission.

That's a wrap for part one of this podcast episode.

Part two will land here this upcoming Tuesday at 5 a.m.

Pacific, and we'll pick up this story right where we left off.

Until next time, and we'll be back in this adventure before you know it.