Even More Broken News

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Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, morbid Mark discusses the profit or loss of parrots, then unleashes oddities on his hombres.

Bulldozing Bob goes top-down, bloviates about blowing, channels Chris Kringle, and shows interest in penises. Wrong and Wade contradicts his comrades, reports on Portland P, and goes full tepege.

from pizza to saggy chuck nuts. Yes!

It's time for

even more broken news.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hello and welcome back to Distractible. My name is Markiplier.
I am your host this week because I won last week.

But one of these two gentlemen that I'm with is going to be the winner this episode and they will be the host next week. So if you don't like this episode, I'm hurt, but only a little bit.

And then next week, or later in this week, you'll have another episode that'll be better than this one. And you won't have to hurt my feelings anymore.
Way better. Seems likely, yeah.

One of them is going to have a terrible episode next week. One of them is going to have a great episode.
So it's up to them and me to pick who it's going to be.

I almost accidentally said the word already.

And I don't know what that that would have meant. Oh, there's no pen attached to this.
Oh, no, time to write with some ketchup, mister. I'm ready over here.
Isn't actually ready. No, I'm ready.

Hold on, wake up, wake up, wake up. Carboard's ball with a little makeup.
I don't get somebody to wait a shake off.

I'm gonna deduct a point for myself for not being ready. Good boy.

Yeah, I'm deducting a point for that. I'm sorry.

Good boy.

There's another one gone. gone.

Okay,

bad boy. Oh,

you got one back for that. Oh,

you bad boy.

All right. Points for boy is out.
Bad girl.

Good man.

All right, Eric. This is a terrible start.
I told you, everybody, this is going to be your least favorite episode. I want to hear about these two gentlemen's life.

I can start this time because I

Bobby hosted an episode not too long ago where we talked about Cincinnati and you and Mark were agreed on the front of La Rose's Pizza Bad. That made me want La Rose's pizza again.
And I ordered some.

I got a large bacon pepperoni. And it was so good.
Like one of the best pizzas of all time. I enjoyed every bite.
I wanted more. I couldn't get enough of it.

And all I can think to myself is how wrong your two's opinion of this was. This must be how you guys feel about me with tacos.

Every bite, every smell, every swallow, every bit of that pizza was just so good in my mouth hole and throat cavity. I enjoyed it so much.
And I want more right now.

I've been craving it again ever since. La Rose's is great.
Underappreciated, under the radar. If you're in Cincinnati, try La Rose's.
Don't listen to these two. It's not underappreciated.

It's a huge fucking chain restaurant. There's like a thousand of them.
But everyone seems to, like, I was talking to our friend Jesse, and Jesse was also like, yeah, I'm not big on it.

It's like, like, how do all of my friends not like the best pizza in Cincinnati? Or at least one of the top three? Those are very different claims. Just to throw that out there.

I don't know which one's my favorite. I'm not as picky on pizza.
I like a lot of pizza.

So to say which one's my favorite kind of depends on which one I'm craving because I crave different ones at different times. But right now, La Rosa's number one crave.
I deducted a point.

I feel sad for you. I knew YouTube wouldn't appreciate it, but the audience deserved to know the truth.

Audience, if you come to Cincinnati, definitely get La Rosa's so that you can understand how wrong weight is. The thing is, it's fine.
Yes, exactly. It's not like we're saying it's awful pizza.

It's just unremarkable. It's better than that.
They put the pepperoni under the cheese. It's so unique.
It's not meaningfully better than any of the other chain pizza restaurants.

And it's definitely not a thing that deserves to represent Cincinnati in a meaningful way. My pizza experience has probably been shifted because I started to appreciate like brick oven pizza.

Whereas like when I was growing up, I never would have actually enjoyed that, the thin crust, you know, kind of style, just a margarita pizza. I wouldn't have gravitated towards.

But now that I had, well, the one place that I really like shut down where I was living before, and then I was never able to find it ever again.

Not that I've looked, but you know, every once in a while you get a good restaurant that does real brick oven pizza, and it's just something about that, that char. Cause I'm always a char kind of guy.

La

is thin crust. I wouldn't call it brick oven pizza, it is thin crust by default, but it's floppy, and you cut it into squares.
It's so good.

I do like a square-cut pizza, and La Rosas is by far my least favorite square-cut pizza I've ever had.

That's my small talk.

All right, well done. You lost a point for it.
Uh, Bob, bad me

watching, the way Wade just patted his head really added to that. I'm giving you a point back for that.
Thanks, man.

Speaking of Cincinnati and places, guys,

it's happening.

The first day where it was nice enough outside that I drove around with all the windows down and the sunroof open when I had to go out to go do some errands or something has finally happened.

It's been pretty gross most of the other days since then, but goddamn, is there nothing quite like driving around with the windows all down with some music playing so you could just hear it above the wind noise and the sunroof, and it's blowing, and it's whoo.

So, you would say that there was good weather.

There was one good weather, one and also

Sunday night, we were in the basement because there was a tornado warning. You texted me, I was texting Jesse.
Like, we had like this, we're getting older friend moment.

We're all like, this wind is crazy. Are you okay? How are you? Are you in the basement? Did you see what's coming? It's like, dude, it's living in LA.
Anytime there's a tiny earthquake, it's race to

social media to see who posted first, right?

Because you'll just see earthquake, earthquake, earthquake. Was there an earthquake? I think there was an earthquake.
We apparently have two more of those storms coming through.

I don't know if you saw Bob this entire week. After today, first alert weather warnings, severe thunderstorms, winds, rain, lightning, flood, all coming.

We were not in the dead center, but this was the first time since I was a kid where the storm track was up and they were like drawing the line and the boxes and all this stuff.

And I was like, oh, yeah, we're right in that. Oh, interesting.
And the guy was like, look here, look at this swirl. You see this? This is tornado activity.

And that was like, there was a line drawn from the tornado over our house. And I was like, oh,

that's not, that's not, that's unsettling. We had a weird moment.
We were not like in a tornado watch.

We had a weird moment where we were just all of a sudden in a tornado warning, which means that there is one. And it was just like, tornado warning.
And like, we're like, the sirens aren't going off.

It's not even that windy yet. Like, weirdly calm right now.

Well, it was. I feel like it was just really windy a minute ago.
Nothing. I'll go outside.

Well, we were just, we were like, did we get all the animals into the basement? Because normally, you know, the loud sirens go off when it's your turn to go down.

But we were like being told, we're like, the wind is crazy the rain is crazy tornado and we like that says it's us but right now that's not it was like 10 minutes later it started to get crazy but like it was just really weird that it was like are we in it did the tornado pick us up is this like our we're in kansas moment this this storm on sunday was one of those very like it was a hard wall of storm because we had the same thing it was like i forget it was like maybe like seven o'clock and the and my phone was like oh thunder or tornado watch and blah and i i was and i looked outside and it was like kind of sunny like sunset but like dusk but i was like really in 20 minutes there might be a tornado here it was a little later than they thought but it was like half an hour later it was just absolute chaos also can i just throw out yeah i can't be the only one do you guys get that instinct we were in the basement and the like the sirens went off and we got the warning and we were like okay let's go in the basement tornado warning and we were watching james was watching something to it was after bedtime so he's like real sleepy so we're just trying to keep him happy And I had like my phone and I was watching the weather.

And part of me was like, we should just go upstairs and take a peek.

It's probably, it sounds fine. It doesn't sound like there's a tornado.
Maybe I should just go upstairs and just take a peek. Like that instinct is so hard to fight.

Every part of me was like, you're not going to die if you just go. Just go take a peek.
I've never seen a tornado. I want to see one.
I've seen funnel clouds. Yeah.

I want to step outside to see if I can see one. Yeah, but if I go and if it looks like a tornado when I go you go back downstairs.
Yeah, you'll be like, whoa, and then you leave.

What are the odds you're going to open the door and it's going to rip the door off its hinges and you're going to be sucked out? Listen, it's not like an airplane, okay? So this might be less problem.

Well, it's probably not less problematic here. I don't know if trees, tree branches, that kind of stuff can do it.
There was a news segment yesterday.

We were at the car dealership for six hours. So we got to see this on repeat

because they repeated the same four stories just on repeat for six hours. It was awful.
You mean the news? Yeah.

Yeah.

I thought it was Molly just likes watching weather channel reruns.

She records it, just plays it over again, makes sure she doesn't miss any details. I love this one.

There was a house out in like the rural, some rural part of Ohio, I don't know where it was, but they had like the tornado go through their property. It didn't hit their house.

But like they walked up to a tree and they have like a metal roof on their barn that got ripped off.

And they walk up to a tree and there's just this big straight piece of metal that went into the tree. And she like tried to yank it out.
The thing did not budge at all.

And so, whenever I was thinking about, like, I could just go outside and take a look, I saw that and I was like, I am never going to go outside and take a look.

If this piece of metal can go through a tree, like a big solid tree like that, just from this wind, what would that do to me? Probably nothing good. You have to think about it, though.

I ultimately did not, mainly because we have security cameras on the outside of the house.

So, I'll totally admit, I was like, I had the weather up on like my phone, and then I had my iPad, and I was like, This camera, oh, it's windy this camera oh it's windy there too

like the whole the whole time i was like maybe i'll see it on the cameras it was some of the most vivid lightning i've ever seen like the lightning strikes there was like horizontal lightning i've never seen lightning just go complete like i didn't see any of it going like this at one point but there was just completely horizontal lightning no yeah it was a lot of like cloud to cloud lightning stuff it was crazy so there were vertical bolts but it was all very like severe because there was like there was a moment where you'd see the bolt you'd wait, you'd wait, you'd wait, then the thunder would hit, and it was like some of the craziest thunder I've ever experienced.

Then finally, when the storm got really close and we had the instant bolt, the whole fucking house, man, shook like it has. Like it was the biggest bolt I've been a part of.

I've had some hit close to home where like you your whole house moves. There was something about this particular storm where I felt like it was the craziest thunder I've experienced.

I did have flashbacks. The only other time I've been in a storm that had lightning of that craziness was when we lived in the Bay Area.

There was a lightning storm that came through that was, there was no rain and it started a couple hundred fires because it was the craziest fucking lightning storm.

Literally, it started like early in the morning. So, like, it woke us up at like six in the morning.
And for a second, my brain was like, we're being bombed? What's happening?

Because it was, it was a, it was just a storm with lightning, but it was literally just like

for like an hour straight. There was no breaks.
It was some crazy fucking lightning. All right.
Listen, I forgot how old we are.

I didn't mean to make us talk about the weather for an hour and a half, but. That's cool.
Bob, you actually earned points for your small talk. Good boy.

Naughty, naughty storm. Can we just stop the episode? Can we just cancel it? You said this is going to be everyone's least favored episode.
We're just trying to help you out here.

Bob and I are fighting for the callback point.

All right, so I have another thing.

So this is not to plug Prusa anymore, but this is about the Prusa shipment that they so I said I told everyone before that they've hooked me the fuck up. I didn't know how much

because I have the shipping information that it's coming in on and it's three pallets. Jesus Christ.
567 kilograms of package that they have sent to me, right? So I did not know this. I did not know.

I knew it was going to be a lot. I didn't know it was going to be that much.
So that's great and all, except I got an email from

the Customs and Border Patrol. Like, that was just like because whenever you have a shipment that large from international, you know,

it needs to be verified, yada yada. I've done that before, but not to this quantity, but I've done that before.
So I submit my paperwork. I do all that yada yadas.

And then they're like, great, it's ready for pickup.

I thought they were going to be concerned.

They're like, this guy bought a 22, some greasy bullets, and now he's buying all this international printing what's he up to they said ready for pickup and also we're gonna charge you starting today 578 dollars god damn 14 cents per day that it's not picked up that was friday today is tuesday Good thing you got that truck, man.

But here's the thing. Here's the thing.
I chase this down day of, right? I'm like, oh, fuck.

And I start making calls and I ask Evan to make some calls. And so we're back and forth with this.
And I'm like, this was supposed to be delivered to door. That's what I was assured of.

And I was like looking at the manifesto. I was like, oh, God, because it didn't have the number for the street.
Maybe that was a problem because it wasn't on there. I looked and I'm talking.

And then what we find out is that, no, they're supposed to still deliver it.

And they're just going to coordinate it. And they just haven't picked it up yet.
And my thought is, why haven't they picked it up yet?

Because it's costing them $500 and they're not being charged $600 a day. It's you, isn't isn't it? Well, how many other packages have they not picked up? Because they do a lot of the shipping.

And so I'm just wondering: is this just normal for these businesses to run this way? This can't be right. I don't know who, I don't know where it is.
It just says it's at LAX, which is very far.

Yeah, just go to LAX, find your pallets. Back into some loading bay somewhere.
You just drive across the tarmac, you get to the loading bay, and everything's fine. Look, I have a truck now.

I can take one pallet

and that's it. That would be the worst back and forth day trip of all time.

Can you stack three high like it's farm simulator and you just throw some ratchet straps over? Storage hunter simulator. Just throw that shit in there.

But no, so I'm still waiting for that because apparently it's supposed to be delivered.

But I'm just fascinating that they're just eating that cost because that is now added up to more than what the entire shipping cost probably was.

They must have like a, maybe it wasn't communicated to you, but FedEx has like an area where it's like, put our shit over here and they get it, it's a lower rate or something, or there's like, there's no way they're just eating that cost and then FedEx is just going to pay that because they're.

But no one's delivering it yet.

And I've confirmed this multiple times, but I still got an, I'm still getting the emails. The emails are still coming to me that like, this has not been picked up yet.
You are now accruing a price.

That seems bad.

i really hope that no one crossed the wire here and i'm supposed to pick that up because it's getting really expensive really fast yeah that's a lot of money very quickly you're already five days in yes that's why i wanted to take care of it on friday i was like oh god we gotta rent a u-haul truck or something we gotta go Where am I gonna get a forklift?

Yeah, well, I hope the place that has the thing has a forklift, but god damn. I'm here with my U-Haul.

I was thinking of getting a forklift, but inevitably I didn't because I'm like, I don't think I have a use for it.

Now, I really wish I did because I would drive my forklift down there and I would go get it. I'm just trying to figure out what part of the airport you go to to pick up your international pallets.

I don't know. I know that you can rent box trucks, but I just, I haven't had to do that.
I've had to rent U-Hauls before, but not this. I mean, U-Hauls can, U-Hauls can carry pallets.

You probably, for three pallets, you'd need kind of a big one, but they have U-Hauls that could carry three pallets, probably, maybe. Can you lift? Like, are they heavy?

Are they so heavy you couldn't just lift it with a dolly? Like, how, do you need a forklift to move these things? It's 567 total kilograms, so damn near 200 kilograms a piece. That's pretty heavy.

The three of us combined could do it, but we'd struggle a lot, especially to give it up.

One of us would definitely lose a finger trying to get it into the bed of a truck or the back of a vent, like a box truck or something. I like my fingers.
That's how I pat people and say, good boy.

I need all five for that. All right.
Anyway, that is the small talk round. I just wanted to say that because it's interesting.
I still haven't resolved any of my other issues. I'm sure it'll be fine.

But today, we're going to be going back to Old Reliable. It's broken news.
All right.

Whatever the... I probably should have prepared something for that.

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I may have just accidentally thrown my coin onto. It's not important.
I'm going to stop fidgeting with that. That's very heavy.

I've been intentionally avoiding the news because it's been super not funny.

And I want to read you guys some headlines and talk about these wonderful news stories that are occurring out in the world. So ready.
First one. It's a lot of pee, man.
Sorry, it's a lot of pee.

Man has no idea who was putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin.

Gallons? It's a lot of pea. How does he know it's gallons? Is it in containers? Yeah.
Well, if it's in containers, I have to ask again, how does he know it's

I'm sure there was some tests protocol going on here. I'll show you.
I'll show you a picture of what we're looking at.

There's a lot of pea. One of them looks particularly unhealthy.
I gotta say, that's the apple juice pea. What is this, Pinola oil?

Yeah,

yeah. Anyway, glad we're starting off with this one.
So, Alex Van Duin.

I'm so sorry. Alex Van Duin.

It's spelled.

I'm starting to figure out why Alex is getting picked on. People pronounce his name like that.
Are you trying to pronounce Van Dun?

I'm pretty sure it's Doin.

Doin.

Duin.

This poor guy's getting piss reigned on at his house. I'm just making fun of his name.
He's named after the noise Wiley Coyote makes when he walks off the edge of the cliff.

So, Alex Van.

how did you say it? Dun

Dun Dun Dun

Dun Dun Dun

said the problem started in September when he noticed his recycling bin had not been collected.

So, I opened the blue bin, and lo and behold, there was a nice deposit of gallon-sized bottles of urine, to put it plainly, and there were six of them. Then, a following week, there was more urine.

What seems to be more than one person could possibly produce in the weeks that followed.

I've I've not ever collected all of the urine that I make over the course of any number of days, so I'm not super sure, but that does seem like a lot for one human to make.

I'm just struggling with, I don't really care why, why for so long? Like, even if you had a purpose for collecting the urine, weeks, weeks of this?

I think it's pretty obvious. Oh, yes.
First account from our reporter in the field Wade here. So I was interviewing a neighbor by the name of Bill.
Bill, do you want to tell us your story?

Yeah, hi, man. Just wanted to let you know.

Recycling here,

it ain't free. We can't all afford recycling, but the water supply, it's been a bit rough.
It's hard to get water.

So I was talking to some of the other folk and we decided, well, we make liquid, right? And they can probably recycle it, make something good out of it. So I went around with my bucket.

I started collecting urine. We put it in some nice steel containers and we put it in Mr.
Duen's bucket. And we're like, oh, they'll come collect the bigger bucket because they'll recycle it.

i mean it's liquid why can't you recycle liquid if you just got wood and cardboard plastic and all that so we're just trying to do some good for the community uh thank you thank you mr whatever your name was bill yes mr bill uh back to you

uh thank you to wade uh reporter wade reporting from portland where water is a problem yep and people talk like that to close out this uh he has a message for the mystery man might not be a man nobody knows quote maybe he's watching.

I don't know. Please stop.
Please just don't do it anymore. It's a lot of pee.
I mean, this guy's really pissing me off. End quote.
Whoa. He's just going to throw in a joke at the end of this.

I think he's in on it. I think they're all pissing together and it wasn't collected.
So they made it a story.

I'm saying this. This is him doing this to get the news people here so he can make that joke at the end.
It's all elaborate.

He lost a bet, and the bet was: Can you make the news talking about your urine? And he's like, Bet.

Well, I hope the Portland water crisis ends soon so they can stop having to use people's urine. Yeah, it's truly a tragedy out there.

If only there was a way to process urine in a way that didn't have to go in buckets, like if only you could flush it somewhere. No way.
No, it's impossible.

All right, I'm going to show you guys a picture before we get to the next one. Ooh, somebody was drunk.

Someone driving the paint truck, just bouncing curb to curb as they go paint the lines on the road.

Wade, please describe this picture for everyone who's just listening. Unfortunately, what we're looking at is a really messed up image of the corpse of an old road.

You can see the chalk lines where they were drawing where the road had died, and they paved a new road right on top of it, but they redrew the chalk lines to make sure you could see where that old windy road died.

Fuck. What you're actually seeing.
Bob, no, Bob's got this. Thanks.

Thank you, Wade, in the field. You're welcome.
What What we're looking at is actually the trail of the largest known snail to ever live on Earth.

It happened to just be just about as wide as this one paved road was, but it wiggled down the road and it kind of went back and forth a little bit. And it's just like a wiggly little trail.

And it's not little, it's huge. It's literally as wide as a two-lane road.
But like it, like from far enough away, like it just looks like a little snail trail. Is that a better description?

What we're actually, actually looking at is some of the most brilliant McDonald's marketing of all time.

If you see the M's and the yellow lines, they want you to drive down the road and know you're headed toward McDonald's breakfast. What the fuck is this? And why is this?

It's like the road was too quick to get down. It's like, well, we need to make the road longer.
What if we just make them curve around a little bit, make it take longer to get down the road?

You got there eventually. Yes.
This is a speed measure to try to get people to slow down in their driving. Now, here's the thing.
This is in, where is this in? This is Pennsylvania.

And it's meant to zigzag because you can't, obviously, well, you totally can go fast doing this. And here's the thing.

Texas roads are insane. Filming some projects in Austin, like that's not even the worst of it.

But one of the things in Austin is that there's a lot of bike lanes that become protected bike lanes, suddenly not protected bike lanes, turning into different lanes.

So the road kind of does this anyway while you're doing that. Maybe by design, maybe not.

Every time I've driven on those, I say to myself, I can't believe they're making me do these maneuvers at speed. There's nothing in my head that went slow down.

It's just, man, I hope this car can handle these turns. And so I'm sure that's what a lot of drivers are doing.
It's just that, or they just drive straight through the middle of it.

Yeah, well, I can't tell if it's better or worse.

In my around my parents' house,

there are roads where they've essentially done the same thing. But what they did instead was they put in pinch points where the road just gets really narrow and there's hard curbs on both sides.

Or there's like a traffic circle, like a tiny little traffic circle where you could literally drive straight over it and you would, you might mistake it for a speed bump.

But it's the for the same purpose of like, so you have to drive more slowly.

But with those, say it snows six inches, or if you don't see the curb, if it's like dark out or whatever, you just fucking destroy your car if you drive straight into a curb at 30 miles an hour or whatever, however fast you might be going.

I guess this is better because no one is going to get into a terrible car accident if they don't see that the lines are all squiggly and shit.

But also, I would just, if I was on, if I live near this road and I had to drive it regularly, I'm just going to drive straight down the road. I'm not fucking doing that.

Just because being in a car, even going slow, is so miserable when you're like,

I'm not fucking doing that. I'll drive slow.
I just will drive in a straight line because that sucks.

I've got one of the local residents here who apparently has been experiencing other unforeseen issues. Drake Ulysses Law.

Do you want to tell us what you what you've been seeing? Huh? It's actually pronounced track.

Uh, the neighbors and I, one of the things we haven't noticed is that the paint prices have gone up dramatically since these roads have been paved in such a way.

Wait, you said Pennsylvania, not Pennsylvania.

Oh,

man.

She just actually

think it was Transylvania for a while.

Back to you. Uh, that's my line.
My bad. Uh, that's Drac.
Back to you in the studio. Dritton Drake, Ulysses, uh, law.

That almost made me vomit.

I'm not going to lie.

Can't just unleash something like that.

You weren't even laughing. You just jumped straight to vomit.
Oh, man. Right to vomit.

Straight to vomit. When I said that name, did you guys have any idea what was coming up? No, I was so fucking confused.
That was the dumbest shit. Whoa, man.
Yeah, that might be. That might be.

That might be your dumbest. Good, the vampire.

Oh, man. Next article.
There's nothing about this article, really, but I want you to hear the title. Florida Senate Race.
Randolph Bracey slams sister for running against him in Orange County. Like,

purpley, like they fucked? Or like.

That's it. Okay.

Randolph Bracey, huh? Slam's sister. For running against him.
What's her name, Lacey Bracey?

I don't know. I didn't read the article.
I'm just looking at the title. What was his name, Rudolph? Randolph.
Randolph. Randolph.
There's nothing else about it. It's the slams.

Are you focusing on the names or anything else in the title? I've actually got a local citizen here. Sir, what was your name?

I go by St. Nicholas.

Yeah.

Old Rudolph Bracey. I was actually going to have him lead my sleigh tonight.

But he told me just before we were about to take off.

He's running for senate, apparently. And he's on the naughty list.
So that's not likely.

Not likely. His sister, though.

I'd slam her. Oh.

All right. Anyway, Santa Claus, everybody.
Thanks so much for the interview, sir. Yeah, Santa Claus lives in Florida.
He retired to Florida. That's where he spends an off-season.
Did I do it right?

Yeah, you sure did.

Anyway, you just tell you you just relatched onto that because of the slams? Yeah, I just, I've always had a problem with titles of articles where it's all like, X slams, why?

And I'm like,

I don't know, it's lost all meaning to me. I think it's silly in this context.
But I've never taken anyone insulting anyone. It's like, he just slammed them.
I just feel bad for Lacey Bracey.

It's not her name. I don't know her name because if I click on this link, this is the most ad-infused, horrifying website of nightmarish proportions you could ever have.
There's this quote in here.

I clicked and I was like, this is a sad day for the Bracey name. Don't break their heart.
Their Lacy, Bracey heart.

Whatever. Anyway, moving on.
Next one. Don't you dare pick out any people to interview.

All right. Next one.

Police chief defecated in office. Put Viagra in office coffee.
Wade.

He's going to interview somebody. I won't.
He's trying not to, but he's going to interfere. I sympathize with the police chief because sometimes when things are hard, shit gets real.

Great. All right.
I just have to ask, is this the police chief from the same place?

Or wasn't there a female officer who was like making OnlyFans videos by sleeping with all of the other male officers in her precinct? And she got in some amount of trouble because...

You know, I was supposed to do that. I believe I remember a news story about that, but this must be her police chief.

She only got in trouble because they all had their nine millimeters out with the safeties off.

Doesn't even faze me anymore. Good.

There's more to this article than the title reveals because, in the opening paragraph, there's a piece of information that was left out that just adds to the mystery of what happened in North Bergen, New Jersey.

A group of North Bergen police officers say their chief defecated in department office cis, multiple, stuck a hypodermic needle into an officer's penis,

and spiked coffee with Viagra. See, one of those things was omitted from the title.

Not that I'd love to know, but I feel like I need to know the context of how exactly was he in a position to stick a needle into another man's penis?

Sometimes you don't want to lead off with the fact that you have a needle dick. Was it through pants or not through pants? Because that's not clear.
I have no idea. I don't even know.

Reading this article feels like I'm reading just AI-generated nonsense. I have no idea.
Did you say it's Bergen? North Bergen, New Jersey.

Why is it the same place as where the bad guys live in the trolls movies?

Where it is? I swear to God, the Bergens are the people in the Trolls movies that eat the Trolls. And I think they live in Bergentown or something.
It is called Bergentown, yeah.

New Jersey, what are we doing? I don't even know if this is real.

Okay, Attorney Patrick Toscano of Fairfield has requested in a letter to Attorney General Matt Platkin dated March 26 that the state take over the police department in Hudson County town, in the Hudson County town.

Where are we? Fairfield, Hudson County, saying that the officers now fear for their safety. Toscano sent various notices of tort claims.
Tort? Claim? T-O-R-T? Tort is a thing.

A tort is a civil claim against another person. Like assault, non-criminal assault is a tort.

That's a very common thing. It's not a word to hear if you're not a lawyer, I guess, but it's that's a that's just what civil civil claims uh are called, basically.

Okay, so the accusations and the claims filed on behalf of the various officers range from on-the-job harassment to pranks, quote-unquote, including Chief Robert Farley defecating an offices on the and on the bathroom floor and leaving it there and chasing one officer around a room and stabbing his penis with a needle and drawing blood.

The claims also accuse Farley of sending a pride flag and masturbation cream to another officer's home, which his family saw, exposing himself at work at random times, dropping drugs believed to be Viagra and Adderall into coffee.

A claim also says one officer's fish were believed to have been poisoned with the drugs. He also placed dangerously hot peppers in the officer's food.
Is this where the movie Super Troopers is from?

Or...

So what actually happened here, what actually happened here is it started off as a harmless prank it was two guys making a bet one-upping each other kind of like yelling penis to kind of escalate uh unfortunately at one point one officer dared another one to watch all of the saw movies and for some reason when he watched them they really clicked so he came to the office next day and said i want to play a game everyone's like okay what do you want to play and that okay was all he needed to begin his rampage of terror You know how that needle ended up in that man's penis?

Because he was dropped into a vat of needles, pantsless, having to find a key to get the handcuffs off of himself. Yeah, I I don't know.

This guy was only appointed chief of police at this place in February of 2024. He doesn't sound like he should still be police chief.

I think they did a wheel spin to figure out who should be police chief, and the people on the wheel weren't even actually police officers based on his actions.

Anyway, that's what's happening in New Jersey.

That defines you, New Jersey. How do New Jerseyans sound? What's their stereotypical? Wade,

find someone in the field from New Jersey.

Excuse me, Mr. Mr.
What's your name?

You simply said forget about it. Can I get a couple words from you? No, forget about it.
New Jersey. Number one.

You kind of sound like Brooklyn and Barney had a baby. That's us here in New Jersey.
Thank you for your time. That's all I could get out of him.
I'm sorry. Uh-huh.
Great. Thank you.

Hey, you asked him to do that. I did, you know, I was just, I didn't know.

I wasn't either. I found found the first person I could, and that's all I got out of them.
The mic broke at his first word. The mic didn't pick up him saying, forget about it.

And then it started working.

Oh, I'm sorry. This thing might, it's a little bit crazy down here.
Someone was throwing cups of shit around. One of them hit my mic.
I had to get a new one from the local Radio Shack.

I miss Radio Shack.

All right. I only got a few more.
So we're drying up here. But this one might be, I was about to say relevant.
I don't think it's relevant at all. But here we go.
Far-right influencers are hosting.

This episode is brought to you by Joe Malone London. I don't like smelling like everyone else.
You know? Like, I want to smell good, but I also want to smell like me.

Is this a hint for holiday gift idea? They have gift sets. They have limited edition special cologne.
They sell candles.

They have all kinds of stuff that your best friend/slash podcast co-host might love to receive. Drop holiday favorites at joemalone.com or at a Joe Malone London store near you.

Don't you want that Max? Cooper loves that shoe too. Oh, now he's into Cooper's food.
Wow, he is loving it. What do you feed Cooper? Blue Buffalo Life Protection Formula.
He never leaves a crumb.

I love it because it's made with high-quality protein, nutrient-rich fruits and veggies, and wholesome whole grains. Looks like we're switching to blue.

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A $10,000 per-person matchmaking weekend to repopulate the earth. Fun.
I'm not comfortable making jokes on this one like I have been. Wait, fun.

So, this is going to be a bunch of dudes who all pay $10,000 because they think they're going to go find someone who will be willing to have sex with them, but it's just going to be a bunch of dudes who are, in fact, not willing to have sex with them, probably.

Here's the craziest part of it. And probably that's probably true.

The Natal Conference, which costs up to $10,000 to attend, features multiple matchmaking strategy sessions and on-site ministers so attendees can get married.

Mark, I've been out here in the field trying to find some people to interview. Excuse me, miss.
What's your name? Sarah! Sarah, can you tell me what you're doing down there?

Yeah, we were told to to bury ourselves face down so they can plant the seeds. All right.

You heard it here first.

The natal conference.

Can I remove a point for myself?

Oh, I'll do it for you.

Thanks, man.

It's sold out. Whoa.
According to the website, the sold-out natal conference,

taking place March 28th to 29th, so it already happened, at a hotel operated by the University of Texas at Austin, has, quote, no political or ideological goal other than a world in which our children can have grandchildren.

I mean, that just sounds like a lie, but okay.

Even if I ignore my knee-jerk political response to this, how I feel about this and who I think might be attending it, ignore the fact that the headline itself said right-wing influencers, does this just sound like the saddest convention you could imagine?

People who are so desperate that they're like, $10,000? Well, that's a bargain. It sounds so sad.

There's no part, like, there's a lot of other things I think and feel about this, but the overwhelming one is sad. They have the little stickers on their shirts, like, hi, I'm DTF.

And the other one's like, hi, I'm Dad. But their shirt says, or soon will be.
That's the outfit requirement for attending the convention.

People like Richard Pritchard are there working 12 hours a day to make sure that babies are being pumped out at a needed rate. Is that a person? No, I just like the name Dick Pritchard.

That happened, apparently, so I'm assuming. I can't believe we missed it, you know?

Like, isn't resources a thing that we're like, man, how are we going to continue to get resources like fossil fuels and food and all this and that? Why do we need more people?

You're missing out on, are you telling me you're missing out on the joy of understanding the people who believe in like the great replacement theory and people like fearless leader Ellen Musk, who are huge proponents of making as many babies as physically possible so that we don't run out of people to earn him money.

You mean the guy who's all like

good Musk? No, I don't think even he has done that.

He has people do it for him, like his WoW account.

The same guy actually plays Bath of Exile and pats him on the head and says good Musk to him.

So I'm expecting in nine months there's going to be a population explosion. Baby Boomers 2.0.
That's what I'm expecting. There'll be a convention 20 years from then it's like that.

Were you conceded to that hotel in Austin? Me too!

Brother, sister? Brother, brother? The maids walking into the hotel after the session. They're just like,

This just in. There are a thousand new jobs at a small hotel in Austin after all of the cleaning employees mysteriously left in the same day.

It's like the fucking Ghostbusters after the marshmallow man explodes. I can't.
So you, so the headline was: right-wing influencers are going to this or promoting it.

If there are right, if there are influencers going to this, presumably they're, this is known information because they're sharing it like to their followers or whatever.

Is it better or worse if they go and they marry someone they just met on the spot just to start making babies, or they go to a paid marriage sex convention and can't even get someone to be with them at that convention.

I feel like it'd be really embarrassing to go and then come home empty-handed, but I have to imagine that's happening. I have no clue.

There's no information from people that actually went in this article as far as I can see. Did they have a hashtag or something we can look at?

No one came home empty-handed because they all came at the hotel.

I'm not going to write anything down for that. Compared to lots of other stuff he said today, that was pretty good.

I'm using my Gatlin gun approach to comedy today where I'm just going to keep firing and see what lands.

Dude, the points column between the two of you is outrageous just in terms of how much I have written in your column, Wade. But I'm going to tell you, it's not looking good for you in terms of points.

I'm okay with that. Man, you got to hope for the wheel on this one.
This is not looking good for you. All right.
Anyway.

That's there's only one more left, but it's, you know, I doubt that we have much to say about this one, but I'll read read it anyway.

Idaho governor signs bill criminalizing public breast exposure and truck nuts. Ooh.
When they came for our breasts. I said nothing.

And when they came for our truck nuts, because I've only had a truck for a little bit now, but I'm assuming I will get that in the mail. At some point, they'll send me my truck nuts.
Yeah, definitely.

What a combo of things. Definitely.
The guys who have truck nuts on their trucks are also opposed to boobs being out in public public because they can't possibly stand to exist near that.

That's a weird overlap. I think that's fascinating.
I don't know also if this means that you can have your real nuts out. No, maybe that's it.

You're supposed to have your real nuts out and your fake boobs out. I have an interview here with one of the local Idaho residents.

What's your name, sir? Mr. Potato Head.

Mr. Head, can you tell us what's been going on? It's been terrible.

My little spuds have seen things they shouldn't be be seeing anywhere and everywhere there are boobs out balls out all kinds of things it's been incredibly painful especially for me and my wife we've had to keep our eyes peeled to see the things going on around here did you just say peeled because it was a pun no

You heard it here first. They've had to keep their eyes peeled to make sure that their little spuds aren't seeing the terrible things going on in Idaho.
Back to you in the studio. Thank you.

For those who are just listening, they didn't see Wades waddle out of that.

I'm a master of impressions.

I see where you went with Idaho and potatoes. Huh? What a weird coincidence.
I'm glad you mentioned that. I wouldn't have thought of it otherwise.

Anyway,

breastfeeding is exempt, though. So you can.
Do they have a lot of problems with women flashing their boobs in Idaho? Those aren't things I would connect. If that happened in like Louisiana or Utah,

wow. Yikes.
Calm down. That'd be a little bit more of like a, yeah, no, well, you know, Marty Gras.
That I don't really see that happening in Idaho in my mind. I have no idea.
I'm pro.

I'm pro-truck nut ban, though. Not going to lie.
They're gross. They're too, they're too saggy.
Can we get some younger truck nuts if we're going to have that in public?

They're always like, they're always like way saggy. I don't like that at all.

Like that truck looks like a 75-year-old man at the gym who is not worried about whether or not his bits are hanging in people's faces. God, they got the gray hairs, the varicose veins.

They're the worst truck nuts. This is the worst episode.

I want to delete it right now. I just say, I'm just saying.
There should be an age restriction. If you're going to have fake nuts anyway, they can look however you want them to.
All right, okay.

I'm wrapping this one up.

We're out of here.

We're done. Hotballs of Idaho.
We're talking to you. All right, that closes up Broken News.
Thank you for attending this news hour. It's been quite an eventful day.
I'll start with me.

I lost a point for not being prepared, having my pen. That's fair.
Bob, you got a good weather point. You also got a point for except for tornado.
Subtracted a good boy point.

It's not little. It's huge.

The snail, I think that was. Snail, yeah.

They call me Saint Nicholas. uh trolls movie and then can we get some younger truck nuts

that's that's immortalized now i'm starting to see why mark feels bad about this episode wade oh just you wait wade you lost a point for good boy you lost another point for good boy bad bad wade you gained a point for bad boy You lost a point for La Roses.

You gained a point for bad me.

You got a point for Bill?

Yeah, Bill. It was the first guy we interviewed.
You know, Bill. You got a point for McDonald's.
You got a point. I gave you a point for Drake Ulysses love.

I gave you a point for that. You should feel really special.
I gave you a point for hard shit real.

You lost a point for so they could plant the seed. That was a bad one.
You lost a point. Poor Tracy, I think it was her name, was under the dirt.

You lost a point for Good Musk. You gained a point for Mr.
Head. You lost a point for bad, bad Wade.
And yes, I wrote that one down as I was reading the points.

I can't even tell where we stand right now. I don't think I broke even.
I think I might be in the negative.

I'll give. All right.
So I'm going to add to the wheel. There's a similar one on there, which was like lowest points.
I'm going to put one on there for lost the most points

during the episode.

Because that's got to be a chief. This has got to be a record.
You lost. That's an easy one because either someone lost points or they didn't.

So we'll know whether to respin or not very easily on that. I'm not even going to say because I think these

could be great, guys. Let me roll my dice.
I might have peeked at Drake Ulysses. I don't know that I can ever make a joke funnier than that to me.
Mark threw his headphones and ran away. Yeah,

that was unbelievable. I had to try to maintain composure watching you two fucking lose your shit.
Rolled three on the dice.

In number one.

Oh no. I swear to God.

Point for viewers. Oh, all is right in the world.
Viewers get a point. Viewers are on the board.
Wade might come in third.

Oh my god. A point for listeners.
Okay. We need a new wheel.
This is messed up. Something is wrong.
They can't possibly win this time. Mark actually did lose a point.

So Mark is at negative one points. It's possible Wade could come in fifth.

If he lost a net of more than two points, if you're negative two or lower, you could come in fifth out of three. That would be impressive.
At least I'd be looking at the podium. All right.
Third spin.

Sometimes you just need a new perspective on life. Got the biggest laugh.

I think it depends how you define it, but yeah.

Well, that's true. I think it's probably the Dracula joke.
I don't know that Mark actually laughed, but.

I have to give that. I'm trying to think if I don't have to give that.

I mean, you laughed pretty good at it's not small, it's actually enormous for the snail, but I think we both laughed just harder than anything else. Not even close at the

Drake Ulysses love. I at least earned a positive point today.
You did. Well, you earned many.
All right, let's total it up. So I have minus one.

The viewers have one. The listeners have one.
Bob, you have one, two, minus one. So one, two, three, four, five total points.
All right. It's going to be a close one.

Wade, you have negative one, negative two, negative one, negative two, negative one, zero. One, two, three, two,

one,

two,

one,

plus laugh. You got two points.

You almost tied for fourth.

Two points. The wheel has put me on the podium.
This is totally the meme where I'm like biting on my metal, popping off the champagne.

I mean, my God, Wade, just comparatively of how much I wrote just for you is astonishing. Congratulations, Bob.

You did it. How do you feel? My face hurts, and it's partially from smiling, but it's also partially from the amount of eyebrow raising and disbelief I got, I think, during this episode.

But I have to say, Wade's lows were much lower than mine, but Wade's highs were much higher than mine. So I feel like I earned a win, but I don't know that I deserve a win.

So I'm going to take it and hold my head up high. But good episode today, Wade, I think.
Or terrible episode. It could go either way.
But good, good, awful episode. And me, very medium.

Very medium, which is all you need to do to win. Well, well said.
Wade,

what do you have to say for yourself? And don't interview anyone. Sorry, boys.
Next time.

Bob, you were the constant today that we needed. As you said, you were right on the whole time.
You were focused. Meanwhile, much like the news, my performance was very up and down.

Very reflective of a certain hotel in Austin, Texas. I did all I could.
I tried to plant some seeds early, and I'll see how many of them are bloomed and I'm paying child support for in a few years.

All right. There you have it.
Thank you, everybody, for listening and/or watching to arguably the worst or the best, by sheer average, the most average episode you've ever seen.

We done broke the news. It's middle of the road, but the road is curvy as hell.
Thank you for listening and/or watching.

Remember to follow these guys at their respective channels, MyScrim and Lord Minion777.

There is rumblings happening in the merch world, but you know, it's just a tough, it's a tough nut to crack, and we'll crack it soon.

But truck nuts were banned, so distractable truck nuts are not coming. Unless

podcast out.