Get More Faster

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from healing bumps to festive merch

it's time for

get more faster

now sit back and prepare to be distracted

and enjoy the show so she was going really light with the razor and then one of the hairstylists came up that was like helping trainer and she's like oh you can go harder than that and i was like Uh-oh.

She's like, really? And she grabbed my hand and like stretched it. I was like,

she's like, yep, that's the spot. I mean, it looks good.
Doesn't look butchered. I'm not going to turn around.
I have no idea what the back looks like, but I can feel the bumps of healing.

The bumps of healing. The sequel to the grapes of wrath.
It's actually my favorite spell in World of Warcraft. Hey, welcome to another episode of Distractable.
It's like Saturday Night Live.

We started the show before the show.

We do cold open sometimes. It's totally fine.
If you've never seen the show before, that would be the most accurate way to describe it to you.

Get ready for basically an episode of saturday night live that's what we do here uh the saxophone guy does the saxophone thing with the band and then we have a celebrity guest and all that stuff it's totally what's about to happen you'll see i'm a mad tv kind of guy you know i don't really watch that i've been getting a lot of mad tv clips lately and i forgot how much i liked that show because i haven't watched it forever unironically uh my stepdad was a huge mad tv guy so i would watch it i've been getting a lot of like the watch mojo 20 saddest movie scenes of all time kind of stuff.

And it's like, why?

Everything that recommended me is like five saddest deaths.

Why am I getting this? You just give off big sad death vibes. Yeah, the opening like 20 minutes of up, they're like, ah, watch everyone react to the first 10 minutes of up.

And I'm like, please, is there anything happening on the internet for me? Ah, those aren't even.

Those are never real. It's like those videos where it's like, the first time I ever heard Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, and it's like a 33-year-old influencer.

Like, I know you've heard this song before. Like, there's just a 0% chance you never happen to hear one of the most popular songs and stadium songs.
40-year-old musicians first time hearing music.

Yeah, yeah.

Or like those drummos where they're like, this guy's toured with Michael Jackson and Katy Perry and Chicago, and he's never heard of Miles Davis. I opened for Metallica, but I never listened to him.

Anyway, that's the show you're about to hear. Uh, I'm the host because I won the last one.
These two other voices and/or faces that you're seeing and/or hearing, scratch that, reverse it.

Uh, they're competing to host the next one because they're this. It's the three, we're the three guys.
We're the three distracting guys. Rebrand the three guys,

the three friends. Three amigos is already taken, but I feel like it has the same two and friends featuring markiplier.
Two and friends.

I don't know if I have any friends anymore. Oof.

Just kidding. I've got lots of friends.
Oh,

was it awkward?

Mark,

you get an awkward point. Not that awkward.

Look, just because everyone knows that we aren't friends anymore and we just only do this because of contractual obligations doesn't mean that we can't talk about that openly. Right?

Yeah, that's true. There's a contract.

You don't need to know about that. That's fine.

You're the middle ground. Yay.

I do have a game prepared as per usual but uh small talk anything going on with you guys oh let me start because my life's been so incredible no not really mark go for it january 30th iron one

of what year 2026

yeah i forgot that changes soon yikes the fact that you came up with the concept got all the filming and editing done in one year is kind of crazy i know, right? I know. I'm very efficient.

I'm streamlining the whole process. But yeah, tickets are on sale now.
It's actually a thing. The trailer, the final trailer is out on my channel.

At the time of recording this, it's not, which is funny. All right, can you send me over some cosplay ideas so I can go to the theater fully dressed up?

Blood. That's all my stuff.
That's all my wardrobe consists of these days. Blood and tears.
But yeah, finally, after so many years, I can finally say it's coming out.

You can get tickets now if you want. It is purely a coincidence the trailer and tickets went on sale the day that Five Nights and Freddies came to theaters.
It is a coincidence. Otter coincidence.

It was not planned. Interesting, interesting.
And that we had our premiere on that very day. It's all a coincidence.

The king of Falung. The funny thing about that, though, is we did have an idea because eventually the trailer is going to be in theaters running before other movies.

And Amy and I had an an idea that we would we would target the five nights of friends movie and i would like you get in the movie the lights go out and then suddenly it's just me in there in the five nights of friend's movie it's like guess what guys i'm not in this movie

but you know what movie i will be in kittel old iron long two theaters down thought that would be funny i don't i don't know if we can target that specifically but that would be really funny no it's like that would be really funny it would be really effective too you know people seeing that movie would see you and be like, oh,

oh, oh, well, I have to go see that now. And they would leave, and they would never watch the.
It's the second one? This is the second one, right? One of those already came out.

Well, unfortunately, it's rated R, so.

Oops. Is FNAF also rated R? It's PG-13, innit? PG-13.
Oh, so Iron Lung's going to be better than that. Yeah, it's a higher rating.
That's how it works. It's at the very least going to be way cooler.

Oh, we are once again recording in a late evening where all of us are at the top of our game and definitely not feeling tired. I can hear out of two ears.
I can smell out of one nostril.

Are you sick or you just have allergies? Because it's winter and you really shouldn't have allergies.

Well, according to my doctor, I've got a deviated septum and I can only ever smell out of one nostril, which makes sense.

But like, I've been living that life for like as long as I can, I don't remember ever breaking my nose or anything. So it's one of those things where it's like, it's always been this way.

I just especially feel it today. Isn't there a procedure to fix that? There is.
And I was looking at reviews and some people are like, oh, this is the best thing I ever did.

And some people are like, I wish I'd never done this, it was fine before compared to what they did to me. Like, eh, maybe I'm fine.
So, useful as ever. Got it.
Thanks, Internet.

Then, one of them was like, I don't see the same after getting my septum fixed. And I was like, That doesn't seem right.
Oh, you can see. Look, my neck is still red from the razor burn.

I thought they were shaving your head. Well, they, the whole, yeah,

all right, trainee, get in there.

They do the hot towel, they shampoo you,

send you off, smack you on the ass. So, they call the double MVP.
Oh, yeah. Special request:

can I get a hickey while you shave my hair?

Hey, do you guys do hickeys in here?

Can you do that thing where, oh, I don't remember the name, where you put your lips on my neck and you suck real hard? You know, do you do that here? The Dracula thing? Treat it like a Tootsie Pop.

Give it three licks and then bite. Did you say pussy pop?

No.

What did you say? I heard pussy pop. He said Tootsie Pop.
I heard pussy pop. You sick bass.
You treat like a pussy pop. How could you say such a thing that is offensive?

Today's episode of Distractible is actually brought to you. Sing this theme song, Wade.

No.

My favorite is when the owl eats the pussy pop. He always does it right.

A one, a two.

Don't make that sound. Nope.
You know today's game is going to be good because it's an idea that's basically stolen from Mark and also from improv comedy. Am I improv comedy? No, you're not involved.

Mark previously hosted an episode called Get More Stupider. Possibly multiple episodes, if I recall.
Well, this one is not about getting stupider, but it is about getting faster.

Today, I want you guys to explain to me how to do some fairly simple tasks

or how things work, but we're going to play it in the form of Half-Life, which is an improv game where you take turns.

Well, actually, you don't take turns in the normal improv game, but you go round, round after round. Each round, the time is cut in half.

So the first time you do a scene for, I don't know, it's usually kind of long. It's like a few minutes.

And then some whatever happens in that scene, then you have a minute and a half to do that scene. And then you have a half of that.
What's that? 45 seconds.

And then you have, you know, I should have picked an easier math number, but you know what I'm saying.

I have some stuff I want you guys to explain to me, but you're not going to have to do it on your own. You're going to go back and forth.
So we're going to flip a coin to see who goes first.

And I'm going to give the first person a minute to explain to me whatever thing. And then we're going to go back and forth.
You get a minute. Then you get 30 seconds.

Then the other person gets 15 seconds. Then the other person gets, we'll call it eight generously.
Ooh.

Then four, then two, then one. Okay.
I feel like four than two might be enough, but uh bald as heads, mark is lying. Still don't know why I picked this coin that doesn't have heads and tails on it.

It's because I'm so smart. Ball that is.
Woo-hoo! And we're incapable of buying new things, I understand. So, Wade, you get to go first.

I would like you to describe to me how you would make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. In one minute.
One minute. Commence.

Alright, so to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you need three key ingredients. Bread, peanut butter, and jelly.

And as I actually learned in real life this week, make sure your ingredients are fresh, otherwise might upset your your tum-tum.

So I get a plate, but for me, four slices of bread because I want two sandwiches, but two slices of bread.

Get peanut butter, get jelly, get a spoon, get a knife, because those are the proper tools for making the sandwich.

Put the knife in the peanut butter, spread it on one side, spread that peanut butter with that knife. That's what you want to do.

Get the spoon, put it in the jelly, spread that jelly on the other slice. Put the two together.
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Numb with Thai despair.

How am I going to remember all that? How the fuck am I? All right. Okay.

How do you remember how to make a PB and J? Butter? No, I have to say what you said. Is that- Oh, I always listen to the rules.
You fucking asshole.

All right. Gotta go quick.
I'm gonna forget it.

Mark, ready.

Set 30 seconds. You ever want to make a peanut butter jelly? When I make a peanut butter jelly, because I like it, there's something.
something. You get out your uh,

you get three key ingredients: you get your bread, your jelly, your peanut butter, make sure it's fresh, or else you'll die upset boom, tum, and then you get out your uh jelly, your spoon, your knife, because those are the correct ingredients.

You get out four slices of bread, throw them in the side, get two of those breads, put them down, spread spoon out the jelly, spread out the peanut butter, flap it all together, eat it or something.

I don't know, time to spare. I thought you were doing it on purpose, Wade.
Jesus Christ. Holy fuck.
I didn't know you were coming.

Take that, asshole.

Wait, you get 15 seconds. Oh, God.
All right. Ready? Set.
Go. Make a peanut butter and jelly.
You need three key ingredients: peanut butter, jelly, and bread.

Sometimes you don't use fresh ingredients. So here's what you do.
You get four slices of bread, only two for one sandwich, though. You flip them to the side.

You get peanut butter, spread it with a knife. Knife is a proper thing to spread your peanut butter with, but on one of the breads.

Jelly, you get a spoon, spread the jelly on one slide, boom, slap together, peanut butter, and jelly. Time to spare.

Uh, sure, time to spare. Yeah, all right, Mark.
Eight seconds. Here, wait, before you hit go.

All right, I'm ready.

You're just mentally preparing. I get that.
I get that. Go.
Three key ingredients. Upstairs, tum dum, four, slice, two, one sandwich, spoon,

praise, hike. It was time to spare.

God. Oh, I love hike so much.
Peanut butter, hike. That was my favorite part of Wade's initial one was the hike.
All right, Wade, I'm not going to hold my phone up for four seconds.

You're going to have to mentally keep track of four seconds. All right.
All right. Ready? I'm ready.
You're going to really, I'm going to tell you, you were too slow on your 15-second one.

You're going to have to speed it up. All right.
Got it. Learn.
Learn from Mark. Four seconds.
Ready? Set. Go.
Three. Tom, Tom.
Ooh, new knife, spoon, slap. Time to spare.

You did have time to spare, but you dropped the hike. I didn't say the hike.

Mark said the hike.

That was part of it.

You know the rules. It was there the whole time.

You don't remember?

I need to follow that through thread. Why did Mark

added and find or subtract bad? Okay, got it. Add good, subtract bad.
Two seconds, buddy. I believe in you.
Ready?

Set, go. Bread and butter jelly.
Hike. Time to spare.

Bread and butter jelly.

It's butter and jelly. Yeah, that's what I asked.
Yeah, that's pretty much it. I couldn't just say peanut butter jelly.
I guess I could have. Yeah, that would have been better.

Do I have to do one second now? I think two seconds is quite fast enough. Well, Mark gets to go first this time.
So you'll say however many words Mark says. Let's be honest.
It's me. No, I won't.

I appreciate your honesty. This is such a simple task.
It couldn't possibly take that long.

Mark, I think you know how to do this. Explain to me how you would boil a hard-boiled egg.

Okay. Ready? Set? Go.
There's a lot of misconceptions about how to boil an egg.

Some people think that you put them in the water first and then raise the temperature to a boil, but people's heating elements are inconsistent from one to another. So you don't necessarily know.

I mean, you could get used to it, but you're not really going to get a consistent boil from kitchen to kitchen, right?

So you bring it up to boil because unless you're at a different elevation, that's going to be a pretty consistent temperature.

But if you're at a different elevation, you got to be aware that things are going to cook a little differently.

So cut all that out of the equation and buy one of those egg-shaped egg cook timers that you drop in with the eggs. It has little

like a red yolk inside that will change based on temperature into the zone where it'll say soft, medium, hard boil. Put that in with your eggs right as it's boiling.
Get a bowl of ice ready.

Boil a shit out until it looks like what you want. Take it out, dump it in the ice, get it, shock it.
You want to shock it. You want to shock it.
So the shell can like,

you know, and then crack them, eat them. Eggs.
Channeled Ethan for a minute there. You hit us with the.

I retained about four words.

All right, Wade. I know you're quite the chef in your own right.
So even if you can't remember every single thing that Mark said, I got it. I'm sure that you know how to cook an egg.
Yes.

All right, wade, you have 30 seconds. All right, ready? I'm ready.
Make sure you cover all the big points that Mark put in there for you. Ready, set, go.
A lot of misconceptions about boiling an egg.

First one, egg in the water. No.
You want to water the egg. Second one, elevation.
High, bad. Low, two, not.
Middle, good.

Whenever you get your water boiling, you put it in a pot. You have a little red something.
You toss it in there. Look at your egg.
When it looks like what you want,

bam, good. So good.
You take it out, you fucking eat it or whatever else, and then shock, shock, and battle. Shock, shock, shock.
Ice that bitch, shock.

And egg. You forgot the.

All right, Mark. 15 seconds.
Ready? Yep. Ready, Sec.
Go. There's a lot of misconceptions about this.
Look,

put egg in first, dumbass water first, then egg, then your toy that changes. And you take it out, you put it in ice.
Ah, eat it.

Time to spare. I didn't hear any shock.
Ah, that was the

okay. It was all part of the original shock.
Wait, eight seconds. All right.
Ready? Set. Go.
A lot of misconceptions. Beg first.
No. Elevation.
Oh. What you want to do? Boil toy.
Oh, that shock.

Do you get to eat your eggs? No. Decoration.

Mark, four seconds. I believe in you.
Okay.

Ready? Set. Go.
Cold egg high. No.

Hot egg cold shock.

It makes sense, right? Cold egg high? No.

No, I think you pretty much covered it all. Wait, you have two seconds.
All right. Ready? Set, go.
Hot egg shock.

What did you hit? Time to spare,

I guess. That guy just did the greatest egg job of his life.

Hey, I look the part. Well, no, I just want to go eat eggs.
I want a PPNJ.

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wade oh i'm here you get to go first on this one tell me how you would write a letter and mail it to somebody. You got one minute on the clock, you're writing a letter, and then you're mailing it.

All right. Ready? Set.
Do it. There are a lot of misconceptions about writing letters.
I'm not going to go over those. What you need is an envelope, stamp, pen, and paper.

Get the paper, your pen, you write your letter. You fold it up.
You stick it in the envelope. Seal up your envelope.
Give it a little.

Close it up. Write your address, top left corner.
Write whoever you want to send it to in the middle. Stamp on the right.
Mailbox. Flag.
Boing.

You're done.

Time to spare.

You have to your own life.

Yeah.

I'm used to pressure. All right.
Mark, you get 30 seconds. So do I have to do it in 15 and 15 seconds of silence at the end of it? No, no, no.
Mark,

you get the normal interval. You get 30 seconds and you can do it in 15 or whatever.
Wade, you get half the amount of time that you were going to get every time you have to go this round. Fuck me.

Since you don't need all that extra time.

So Mark, you get 30 seconds. So I have to repeat this thing word for word perfectly.
Okay. All right.
I got it. I got it.
Same pacing, everything. He gave you 30 seconds of material.
Ready? Yes. Set.

Go.

There's a lot of misconceptions about writing a letter. I'm not going to get into that.
But what I will tell you is that you need a pen, paper, and stamps in that order. Uh-huh.

Then you write on the paper, you stick it in the envelope, you give it a lick, it'll

seal it up. Mailbox, put it in there, flag,

you're done. I don't even know if I took 30 seconds.
You skipped a few steps. You skipped the envelope and the writing of the addresses, but otherwise good.
Pretty close. I thought I had a short.

I don't know. All right, Wade.
You jump all the way down to eight seconds on this one. Okay.

All right. You would have gotten 15, but since you don't need that back half of your time, I'm going to give you eight seconds and we're going to call it good.
Ready, set, go. No misconceptions.

Pen, paper, write, put it in the envelope. Write your address, stay your address, stamp, bambooxy,

done.

How do you... I don't even think you skipped anything.
Well, you did skip some stuff from your very first one, but. No, no, no, no way.

You get you even less time, if that's possible. Can I give you less than one second when it's your turn? You can try.

I'll try.

Mark, you get eight seconds. Oh, okay.

Don't make that noise at me. All these things make sense.
All these decisions are super radical. I'm good.
I'm good. I'm good.
I'm good. I'm good.
I got it. I love it.
Ready? Set.

Go. Don't look at my misconceptions.
Look at my paper. Oh, I'm writing on it.
Where'd it go?

And check in the mailbox. Boing!

You have time to spare.

I can set a timer for zero seconds.

I don't know why that's doable in this app, but Wade, I have decided by the rules of fairness, which is is a word I am allowed to say, that you get to make one sound.

And it can be a long sound, but you get one sound. Can the sound evolve if it's still the same breath? Fine.
If you stop making sound at any point, your answer ends.

I guess take a deep breath if you're ready. The floor is yours.
Go.

Ah, all right. Did you crumple it up?

The was writing, the was the licking, and the boing was the mailbox. I think I did pick up on all that.
I think I did.

Yeah, no, that's true. Going from the

to boing was tougher than I thought in my head. You know, I hear a lot of voice actors say that, and uh, it never gets easier.
Not everybody can boing like your boy. I'm losing track of everything.

Markets to go first on this one? Yes, yeah, I do. Yes, thank God.
Markets to go first on this one.

Well, I don't know if I depend on if he says a lot of stuff, you know.

What? What? It's okay. I'm going to make it all sound effect-based.

You don't cook a lot of eggs, so that maybe you are at a disadvantage, and nobody mails letters. I like fried eggs.
I don't do boiled eggs. I do fried eggs.

I know that we all do this thing I'm about to ask Mark to describe. And even if it's purely sound effects,

we all know what this sounds like. 100%.
Mark, I would like you to describe in one minute how you get dressed when you start your day. All right.

ready set go when you wake up in the morning and you open your eyes and you look down south nothing on your thighs you gotta get some bants out of your drawers

get out on the balcony let them hear you roar it's your brand new day and you're on your way to wherever you're going

it's okay you gotta make some money to pay your your bills, but you won't go all the way up that hill where the tree is there and a chair and a noose.

You stay away from that thing and you get on the loose.

And don't forget your shirt, cause you only got pants. A sock for each foot, maybe glove for your hands,

maybe some jewelry, maybe a watch, maybe your glasses. It's not a lot.
You're ready.

What the fuck?

Wade, you got that? Yeah, I guess. I mean, I think we all know that song.
I sing that to myself every morning as I'm getting ready. If anything, it's because it's a song.

It should be weirdly more memorable, right? Yeah, it's like a pneumatic device. Did I get the first rhyme and then nothing?

I couldn't tell you the fucking rhyme.

All right, Wade. Since I know you have it in your head, you have 30 seconds.
You ready? Yep. Ready, Sec.
Go.

When you wake up in the morning and you open your eyes and you look down to see there's nothing on your thighs, you go over to your drawer because you need some more pants.

So you put on your pants and you go outside and you go up a hill and you get a big thrill and you realize shit, you forgot your shirt and it's not a bit. And you took a little squirt.

So you go back home, put the gloves in your hands. You need to make some money and fold it in bands.
Maybe some hats and maybe some socks. If you need shoes, you can kick some rocks.
Fucking dress.

Dude, I actually wrote down what Mark said. I think you got all but one, which was very impressive.
What'd I forget?

Watch.

Watch. Oh, yeah.

Mark, I don't know how you're possibly going to top that, but you have 15 seconds to try. Five, six, seven.

When you wake up in the morning and you open your eyes and you look down south and you got nothing on your thighs, then you go out, get some pins on your ass, and then you go outside and hear a roar, then you come back in.

Oh, God, the hill, the hill,

the hill, the hill. Shirt, watch, jewelry.
You're ready to go.

The hill.

The hill.

Wade, you have eight seconds. Wow us.
Ready, set, go.

Open your eyes, cover your thighs, go outside with your will, get the big thrill, could be a hill, go inside, gloves, hat, watch, jewelry, everything else, you're dressed. Woohoo!

The best.

Time to spare on that one. Wow.
The hill, the hill, the hill. Well, I'm really sorry, Mark, but you have four seconds.
All right, here we go.

On your go, sir. It's exactly as long as five, six, seven, eight.
I got dressed the night before.

I don't know it.

Oh, well, Wade, you have two seconds. All right, am I repeating that or am I doing the previous one? Well, it's really up to you, but I'll decide how many points you get based on if I like it or not.

Okay. All right, I'm ready.
On your go, sir. I'll give you the benefit.
Open your eyes, cover your thighs, pants. On the hill, on the hill, blobs, tool where you have voice watch, fuck dress.

You even had time to fuck in there, according to my rhyme.

Wade really added some steps somehow. I do feel like you went over time a little bit, but I think Mark cheated by getting dressed the night before.

How to get dressed. Just do it the night before.

This episode is brought to you by Joe Malone London. I don't like smelling like everyone else, you know? Like, I want to smell good, but I also want to smell like me.

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Wade, you get to go first on this one, and I assume it will be the best one because I am

saying that it will be the last one.

So Wade, you have one minute, and as Mark demonstrated, you may sing, I guess,

if that's the thing you want to do, or do whatever else you want to explain to me how to change the oil in your car. Okay.
Do you know how that works, right? Nope, let's do it.

Oh, okay. Go.
So, you got a new ride, and your car just died. I no longer spoil, maybe need more oil.
You go down low, you remove the bedpan. The oil drips out, you say, Hey, young man.

So, you get a nice bucket that you have to tuck it. The oil drips in and you know you're gonna win.
You seal it back up and you go on top. Take the screw right off, you go, oh, need a mop.

You clean it up, cause that engine's a little messy. And I guess now, you know, you done your bestie.
You pour more oil in and you seal it back up.

You close the top, you go to get some sop, you earn some dinner, and then you think to yourself, I left that bucket of oil outside. Better go clean it up.

So you go grab that oil and you take it somewhere else and you dump it in the ocean and get arrested for pollution. And now you're in jail, but your car's nice and won't fail.
Time to spare.

I think I said bedpan.

You did say bedpan, yeah. Oh, yeah, that was the weird part of it all.

That was the weird part.

I'm sorry, was that not correct? That was a very meandering oil change, but. Oh, thank you.
I happen to notice. Good luck, Mark.

I.

I'm.

I'm ready.

Alrighty. Mark, you have 30 seconds.
They said it couldn't be done.

Your car

on electricity it runs.

I say fly on thee. I will do what I do.
I get down below and I find myself a screw.

Oh, he lexiced himself to death with time to spare.

Time to spare.

I'll lose points with that just well. I'll take my point.
What do you mean? You did a perfect imitation of what I did.

I was going to give you bonus points. Yes.
Oh, okay, okay, good. That's what I meant.
All right, Wade, I'm not sure what you're supposed to do at this point. I got it.
You have 15 seconds to do it.

Yeah, I got it. This is the freestyle round.
Ready?

Go. So, your friend just died.
He had a shocking ride. He tried to change the oil, but it definitely was spoiled because he shocked himself.
Now he's fucking dead.

So you get his car and drive it instead. No oil needed.
No oil needed. Time to spin.

We're definitely playing playing the game by the rules, right? Oh, yeah.

I think Rachel's going to be real proud of this one.

Please don't show her. Please don't watch.
She's going to come up to us after the show and clap her hand on our shoulder. Is that the title? Rachel, don't watch.

Rachel, Wecht is not allowed to watch this. Go away.

Mark, good news. You only have eight seconds to fill.
I know you're just brimming with ideas, but

go ahead and I'll just start it when you start because I don't want to to rush you. Oh, five, six, seven, eight.

Get it? Because I was dead.

It's like we went from playing a simple game to doing like a this is like a herald now, telling stories, crafting narratives. Is that what this podcast actually is? Just one long herald.

Are we geniuses? No.

I could definitely say I'm not. And without sounding too rude, I'm going to go on a limb and say I don't think Wade is either.

I zoned out. No, Wade could secretly be a genius and we would never know.
That's true. He pretends to be the aloof.
It is so much more fun playing a fool than it ever is being smart.

How would you know? Oh, that's a good point. Banana.

We almost had him, Mark.

We almost had him. He almost spilled his guts right there.
Nothing stupider than say banana. Nothing.
That's what us minions do.

You know?

Was it being the I or what was it? Yeah, that was the one I.

I think. I don't know.
I'm stupid.

Is that what that's called?

Wade, you have four seconds. All right, I'm ready.
I'm ready. Ready, Seth.
Go. Ryan, died.
Oil, died. I'm rich.
Hello, come fix. I despair.

Holy shit. Woo!

Smoking fast. Mark, would you like to play dead for two seconds? No, no, I got this.
Okay.

I was just going to say, if you don't play dead, I'm going to dock your points because

that's the.

Do what you want. Do what you want.
Two seconds. Go ahead.
I drive it to the shop and pay a man.

But he's dead. But I'm dead.

Got one of them self-driving cars.

You know, it's got something. Sometimes it is.
It reactivated itself. Whatever its auto kind of thing is, it just suddenly was like, you have it again now.
And I'm like, why?

You said I had to pay for that. Did you charge me for it? Why do I have it now? Yes.
Nobody's using it. Please have it.
Oh my God, that's the biggest glob of spit I've ever spitted.

The thing is, like, the smart cruise control worked already, even without it. And I'm like, I don't need much more than that.
I don't need this.

I don't need to take my hands off the wheel is what I'm saying. I don't want to take my hands off the wheel.
I like my hands right on the wheel.

I don't know if we've talked about it on this show specifically, but have you seen those commercials now where I don't know which company is advertising that you're supposed to take your hands off the wheel?

And it's like showing people in the driver's seat of the car, like not paying attention to the driving at all, just like talk, having conversation, like doing other shit. That's wrong, Cotton.

I don't remember which company is, but the commercials are completely shocking to me.

Because literally it's like encouraging you to get your hands off the wheel and start paying attention to other shit that's happening inside the car. That's incredibly stupid and irresponsible.

And it's not even

just don't sue us, but it's not even Tesla. Because you might hear that and think like, ah, that sounds like something Tesla would do, right? Because they're super gung-ho about it.

I remember it's not a Tesla commercial. As far as I know, they don't even run commercials, but I think

it was one of the big car companies. The whole commercial is like, yeah, don't look.
Kick your hands off. Take a nap.
You don't have to pay attention to anything. We'll drive for you.

I don't think I want that. What were we talking about? The Tesla smell and how it's an elongated musk.

Anyway, we played the dead oil change game. Yeah, that's my favorite improv game.
Dead oil change.

In no particular order. Wade, you got points for.
Oh, let me start. Deviation point for your nose, I guess.

Can I get a hickey? An asshole point for the first round of the game where you didn't understand the rules and tortured Mark for some reason. The one sound answer that you gave, time to spare bit.

Eventually, I did give you a point for that. This one just says fuck point.
Oh, because you had time to fuck. That's right.
You were putting your clothes on and you found time.

And you got the no oil needed point. Leaving you with a total of eight points.
I got one point before the episode even started because I don't remember. Mark, you got points for

making it awkward. The coincidence that just happened to come up about regarding your movie and the timing thereof what a coincidence

pussy pop hike i gotta admit that was wade that said that i want to be clear i did not wade said something and you heard pussy pop so i don't oh he gets the point for that one i he can have the pussy pop uh he definitely has all claim to the pussy pop I might have been taken to the barber shop, but he can make the pussy pop.

I'm going to cut that off right there.

Mark, you got a point for the toy that changes in the egg.

You lost a point for I got dressed the night before, and you got another point for being fucking dead, which leaves you with a grand total of six points. Points were hard to come by today.

I know, I usually give them out. I'm usually a point slut, but today I was in no mood.
Yeah, I wasn't counting weights, so I didn't know I was under. I thought I was feeling pretty good about that.

Really? You would only be, you'd be right there if I went for the minus one. You gave me the pussy pop point, right? I kept that on your side.
Yeah,

oh, now he wants it. Now he wants that pussy pop point.

Oh, everybody loves PPPs. I heard a lot of talk about that during the last election cycle.
Two wheel spins. I'm sure nothing bad will happen.
I see nothing, so I have full faith in this. You do.

Oh, you don't see? I see nothing. I do.
Well, I'll treat you like the listeners. I'll read it out for you when we get there.
I'm going to give a point to whoever would make Rachel the most proud.

Who is that today?

Bob? Does Bob get the point? No, I think she would have been really proud of all of us. You know what? I think Mark would win that point today because he started singing unprompted.
That's true.

He was the first to sing. That's true.
And also, I hate singing, so I would never have done that. But Mark is a bold, a bold leader.
Anyway, two spins. The wheel is spinning.
It's slowing.

The wheel approaches and lands on Carrie's contribution.

That one's obviously Mark for the FNAF bring up and his rated R movie. It's a horror movie.

It is very spooky. I got my head shaved, man.
Is that scarier than scary movies? I don't know.

Disable all the next spins, but again,

please don't do anything to me.

Best word used. We did say pussy pop.
Elongated musk.

Nah, I don't care. I don't care for that one.

That bit can go away. And I feel like both of you, when you were singing, you like rhymed some things and you threw some points.
Well, no, I think Mark might be right, though. Wade did say pussy pop.

You disagreed with that just a few minutes ago. What do you mean?

I didn't disagree with that.

I just decided that Mark should get that point regardless of whether you said it or he heard it. Edders, what did I actually say?

Pussy pop is the best word that anyone used tonight i think science will back me up on that that makes the final score mark with six and wade with nine i got trouched i should have had seven that way this episode could be all six sevens six nine is our generation's funny numbers okay we don't need six seven we have six nine because it's mouthful of private parts you just keep saying stuff tonight and i love it I'm here and I'm barely awake in a functional.

It's like noon for you. I know it's late at night, but you wake up at 1 p.m.
and you work until 4 in the morning. I can't possibly say it's not a good time.
I've not been sleeping great.

I say, as an adult, I haven't either, but I've been sick. You don't have any excuses, you winner.
I was sick yesterday. I had food poisoning, I think, which was not pleasant.

But it's a different kind of sick. Mark, would you like to give a pussy-popping loser speech? Five, six, or a regular one.

Sorry.

No, no, I can't do it now. Oh, it's it's ruined.
I can't sing my loser speech. Thanks, Bob.
Anyway, I lost, but hey, did I really when you can buy tickets for Iron Lung right now?

Check your local listing, I think. Coming out Junior.
January.

Call 1-800 Movie Phone and that guy who reads the movie Times will tell you when Iron Lung is playing in your theater.

If there's one point, if there's an argument that this episode of this podcast was making, it's that you should see Iron Lung. Wait, would you like to give a normal winner speech? Well, okay.

This was a fun one. I was not anticipating the singing, but it did go probably well for everyone watching and listening.
I hope you all had fun.

But I do want to take time from this winner's speech to say, you should go get tickets to see Iron Long. And that really only matters to one of us, but like, he's our friend.

We want to support him, and I also want to go see it. Does it matter to you? Well, I mean, like, we don't have financial connection to it.

You know, we're not like promoted, promoted to say it rising tide raises all boats. Like I'm not gonna push for this because I'm not that guy, but I feel like you and I almost need to be credited.

Like we need a spot in the credit role for our role in being here and watching Mark do all of this hard work on the movie that's finally going to we didn't do anything, but we were here the whole time.

It is true. It is true.
You guys were here the whole time. So I do appreciate that.
Always do.

I had this realization that I have been working on this movie for nearly a third of the time that I have been together with Amy. Damn.
And that didn't feel great.

That's a crazy way to frame that. It's not quite a third, but it's not a quarter.
It's over a quarter. That's wild.
I don't know why that particular thought popped in my head. I was just like, hmm.

Hmm. I mean, I had the thought that I've been with Molly a third of my life the other day.

It's different, but similar line of thinking. A career doing this has been a third of my life.
YouTube and such.

Wade, congratulations. You'll be hosting the next one.
Yep, we're doing, we're getting older part six. Well, or weird part five.
I snuck in a weird four, so maybe. You never know.

Make sure you follow these guys on their socials. Make sure you check out wherever Iron Lung is playing near you because tickets are on sale now.
Also, we should mention the merch drop.

This is not nearly as important as the movie, but there is a holiday merch drop for distractible, and I know what the designs are, and they're pretty funny. You should check them out.

Distractible.shop or distractible.store. If I get enough time to make it that also, distractible.shop is the one you want.
Check that out. There's some holiday stuff if you order.

Well, you better order fast because it's probably going to sell out fast, but if you order quickly, you might even be able to get it before Christmas. I think there's a guarantee on that.

Check it out. Thank you for sticking with yet another one of your second cousin's nieces' favorite podcasts, that joke I used to make.
And we are out of here. Podcast out.

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