Best of Henry (Compilation)

This episode is brought to you by Facebook. You know, when you get that gift that is just like so you, it's perfect.
You feel seen, heard, smelt even, especially when it's a secret Santa gift.

Like, how did Jack from Accounting know that I collect vintage action figures? How do I, that's almost creepy, but actually, it's just impressive and sweet.

You know, on Facebook, a little connection goes a long way. You mean Facebook Marketplace?

Because all of my gifts that I got, you guys, are from other people that I found on Facebook Marketplace and the incredible deals that I got from them.

I made my own secret Santa group so I could gift things to myself. And I have been shopping on Facebook Marketplace since you guys mentioned it.
And boy, oh boy, the amount of things I can get for me.

There are so many things. Everything is here.
On Facebook, True Connection is only a click away. Let's reconnect this holiday season with Facebook and turn polite presents into meaningful moments.

This episode is brought to you by Panda Express. If someone wanted to tell me that they love me, all they would need to do is get me some honey walnut shrimp from Panda Express.

The message would not be lost in translation. In fact, I might even rather have honey walnut shrimp than words from an actual human mouth hole.

If you're trying to get a message to me, honey walnut shrimp. However you want to say it, say it with delicious, authentically cooked American Chinese cuisine from Panda Express.
Have you eaten yet?

Order now or visit the Panda Express near you. This episode is brought to you by Joe Malone London.
I don't like smelling like everyone else.

You know, like I want to smell good, but I also want to smell like me. Is this a hint for holiday gift idea? They have gift sets.
They have limited edition special colognes. They sell candles.

They have all kinds of stuff that your best friend slash podcast co-host might love to receive. Drop holiday favorites at joemalone.com or at a Joe Malone London store near you.

This episode is presented by Panda Express. It shouldn't be difficult, and maybe it's a bit silly, but we've all been there.

Sometimes saying I love you is just hard, whether it's your partner, someone in your family, a good friend.

But when you order tasty, authentically cooked American Chinese cuisine from Panda Express, they'll know what you mean.

Because sharing some delicious orange chicken or my personal favorite, the honey walnut shrimp, that means more than words, right? So have you eaten yet? Order now or find your nearest Panda Express.

From shaggy dog tales to a life well lived. Yes!

It's time for

best of Henry.

You guys know Henry, right? You've met Henry.

Henry is a rescue, has gone through a pretty traumatic past, was rescued, actually injured.

But when we got him, he did not trust strangers. He especially did did not trust men.
He was like really quiet, shy.

Now, after years of work, because it does take a lot of work, but with love and attention and training, he's way smarter than Chica.

Look, no insult to Chica, but Chica isn't exactly the brightest bulb in the drawer. But he is like so incredibly smart.

Point in case I have a video with audio that I would like to play for you guys right now. It is very adorable.
Don't get me wrong. This is very adorable.
Listen to it. Listen to Henry.

Adorable, right? He sounds excited or stressed. Yeah, excited.
We just picked him up and we're taking him home, right? Very cute.

It sounded like he was laughing and he was smiling and wagging the whole time. So he's very happy.
Now imagine that sound for 30 minutes straight.

That gets annoying. That was incredibly annoying.
And every like minute or so, he would sneeze all over the back of our heads and like shake and slobber all over us.

Like all these elements are incredibly annoying. However, wouldn't trade it for the world.
Love that dog. Yeah.
Inside and out. There's no part that I would ever change about Henry.

Like just a fantastic dog. Incredible.
Lovely. Have I ever told you about Henry's piss oranges? No, I don't think so.
Well, there's an orange tree at a house we used to have a while back.

And it was, you know, it made oranges every year. That was real.

Didn't it make limes, if I recall?

No. I'm pretty sure it made limes.
Ethan told me that. Do you not remember that? No, I don't remember it.
There's an episode from

Unisadis where Ethan was real sad. You guys are in the backyard.
And he was just like, can I have one of these limes? And you're like,

that's an orange tree. They're just, they're not.
It's like, okay, I'm going to take a lime. I mean, you're just like, Ethan, those are oranges and they're not ready yet.

And he he just takes one and he's like,

wow, this lime doesn't taste very good.

They're bad limes, Mark.

I don't remember that at all. It was like an extended bit.
I bet it was. I bet it was.
But Henry pissed on that tree a lot.

No wonder they taste so good. They did.
That's what I'm saying is those oranges tasted amazing. And they tasted better the better the longer we were there.
I'm not lying, not joking.

It's probably not because of the piss. But what is a tree if not a big life straw? Filters out the piss.
Dog pee kills grass, flavors orange. Breaking news.
Yeah.

I mean, orange, the juice is some kind of yellow. If I peed and it looked like orange juice, I'd be like, ah, close enough.

I don't need to see a doctor about that.

That's good. That's very good, actually.
Plus, it smells clean and fresh. Or would it still smell like pea? I guess I don't know which way that goes.

so yeah, if you guys didn't know, LA is now a tropical rainforest. Uh, it rains non-stop here.
It has been raining for like the past two days straight.

It's going to keep raining for another two days, and then this is right after the second, like, big, what do they call it, the rain channel floodway, the rain slipstream. The sky goosh.

Yeah, sky goosh, yeah. Sky ussy is opening up upon you.
Yeah, so the drought was over two rainstorms ago, right? Maybe three. It was over last year.
It's still raining.

The grass on the hill is so long that it's starting to weed its way over the roads. It's a lot of rain.
That's that's weird. Yeah, it's it's actually quite strange.

Um, because usually in LA, if it rains, the all the plants are like, no, no, no,

you know, they desperately try to grow and they've been going, no,

for like months. That's what I said last year.

It's like they got so confused there was a second spring because the plants all thought that winter happened and then because after winter rain happens and then they grow all the flowers blue or all the the fruiting trees fruited twice yes last year dogs don't care dogs don't care it's raining they want to go outside and it's like okay all right so i gear them up for a walk and henry's been begging me all morning and i'm like dude it's raining um but he didn't care got my raincoat go out it's fine there was a little break in the rain i was like okay we'll just make it quick go all the way out get to the farthest point henry's like i got i'm gonna poop and he does this little waddle where he's like, he starts to like, it's like a truck lifting, you know, it's it's bad, but inverse, he just his butt goes higher and higher.

He poops at an upward angle. I don't know if you know that about Henry.
That's uh, that's wrong. That's wrong, Henry.

And it's hilarious because if he has a hill to poop on, he will, he will like start to do this. Like, this is his butt, right? So he's like,

and then he backs up the hill. So he poops up the hill at an upward angle.

So it'll be sure to roll down through his feet, right sick he speaking of sick he had a little diarrhea and he just poops all over himself everywhere uh sorry about the poop talk this early in the morning uh or whenever people are some people listen to this like right at midnight so i know it's very early for some no i'm pretty sure everyone listens exactly in the morning yes absolutely on the drive out uh so he poops all over himself and this ordinarily would be fine we'll get back and clean up but it's raining right did you remember that so the rain cleaned him off for you and it's perfect oh no so dogs when they are in the rain i don't know if you knew this they like to shake so they shake uh so henry with poop all over his butt shakes a lot and we're at the farthest point and the rain just kicked up so every few steps he has to stop and go

and then just everywhere on his butt is just like these his long hair and it's just it's it's a nightmare And I have like a quarter of a mile to get back home in the rain that's picking up uphill.

This is not a lie. Both ways? No, just the way back.

Uh, so then I had to get back, and I was late for the podcast because I was haphazardly with scissors cutting, giving Henry a butt haircut just because there was no way that I was going to be able to get him in the bath in time.

So I was just like,

have you thought about using dogscaped?

Oh, that's pretty good. One point for dogscaped.
All right, that's fair. That's fair.
Where we are also, there's hawks around. So there's lots of hawks.

And Amy's always worried because there's like, they're going to scoop up Henry. And I'm like, Henry is 45 pounds.
I don't know. He's a pretty big dog for that.
I don't think that's.

I don't think he's going to get scooped up even if two together.

Even our wiener dogs, it's like 16 pounds is a lot for a hawk. A team of four hawks drops down with the net and they lure Henry to stand in the center of the net.

And the moment he puts his mouth around the pupperoni located at the center of the net, the one of them is just like, kakaw! And they take off in flight in pattern. It could happen.

It could happen, you know? Hawks start using tools, the world gets a lot scarier. Those LA hawks are highly organized.

I really do think it was like four hawks in a trench coat that made me sign that blood pact to only have a one so that they could have a supply.

The real clue is when they sign the document with their beak. Henry has this really terrible, terrible habit where he will scratch his ear, like just real slow with his back foot, like in the ear.

And he always goes, oh

when he's doing it like just like a slack jaw and then he always and we look at it we're waiting for it he'll be like done then licks his foot every time lexi does that too

it's like why why

it's a health thing it's like why

like dogs or cats will eat the their baby's poops because they're like oh is it are you healthy

now you taste healthy but if it tastes if there's a problem you could taste it in the poop or you could taste it in the ear you know I don't want you. I want you to stop talking.

What do they do if they taste a problem in the poo? They're all ah, shit.

What will it take for you to stop talking?

I'm never going to stop talking, Mark. This is your curse.
All right, fair enough.

I don't have that fearing of death, and also I don't have that fear of falling asleep and there's intruders because I always know, and I've learned this now, if there really is footsteps, Henry and Chica would have reacted.

That's like a nice saving grace because Henry is very attentive to random noises and to strangers and to intruders, anything like that.

If anyone's coming over, you know, if a delivery man is making delivery, he'll let us know. So he's the perfect alarm for that.
And he goes off too often. He'll go off at random light that acts up.

You know, if a shadow's moving too suspiciously, he'll start barking. If at night he's not barking, I'm not worried.
So I'm fine there. We're screwed.
I'm screwed. Someone breaks in.

I play funny pranks on Henry sometimes where if I peer around a corner, like if this is the wall and I go like this, Henry will go,

who is that?

And then if I disappear behind it, he'll creep closer. And if I go like, oh, he goes,

you can tell like he'll go,

he's such a cute little dog. I gotta get that on video sometime.

Don't you want that max? Cooper loves that shoe too. Oh, now he's into Cooper's food.
Wow, he is loving it. What do you feed Cooper? Blue Buffalo Life Protection Formula.
He never leaves a crumb.

I love it because it's made with high-quality protein, nutrient-rich fruits and veggies, and wholesome whole grains. Looks like we're switching to blue.

Blue Buffalo foods are made with the superior ingredients your dog needs to thrive. Can your dog food say that? Visit feedbluefood.com to learn more.

This episode is brought to you by Monster Ultra. Everybody knows the white monster.
The clean white can, zero sugar, crisp, delicious. It's everywhere.

I drink them on long road trips, but there's not just the white can anymore. And I know that because I drink them all.
There's Vice Guava, Blue Hawaiian, Wild Passion.

If you're loyal to the white can, I respect it, but there are options now. You can visit monsterenergy.com to learn more.

This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most? Yeah.

We all need that sometimes. And Uber knows that.
Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what.

I think that might be them knocking on the door and because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. Do you them or the FBI? I'm not 100%

sure. Yep.

When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up. Or there's a will, we're on our way.
Uber, on our way. Download the app today.

You want to know how I caused like Chica the most most distress she's ever ever felt in her life? Because she's not a very like stressed dog. She's very chill about everything.
But she was outside.

Um,

and it was like, you know, she was in a part of the yard where there was a gate that went right to the front.

Um, so she was outside, she was sniffing in a bush, and I tried to call her in because I was going to take him for a walk. And then she wasn't coming.
She was looking for like a lizard or something.

So I closed the door and I go, all right, I'm going to take Henry. And then as soon as the door closed, she goes,

and then she sees me putting the harness on Henry and she comes up to the door, like,

just like, you know, like sully and monstrous, like, oh, oh, no.

And so she gets more and more just like,

no, what? And so as soon as I put the harness on Henry and I like take a bleach, I'll be like, all right, bye. And I know the side gates open, so she could go around and just meet me out front.

There's no problem with that.

But as soon as I round the corner, I've never heard her do this where she goes, no!

No! Like literally sounded like her going, no!

No!

So I feel so bad, but I go out the front and I'm just waiting for her to figure it out and come around. And I just hear her still in the side yard going, no!

No, no, no, no!

Then I just call, Chica, get over here. And she's like, just pause, like mid-no, go, go,

she's the most distressed.

But I think that just goes to show that, like, you know, although to us, that's like, come on, the side door is open, but it shows like some, the mental faculties in some dogs and like the reason why there would be anxiety.

Of like, just like, she feels like, oh, no, I know what they're doing. They're going for a walk and it's like, I want that so bad.
And they're leaving me. He must not realize I'm here.

That's very mean, Mark. Good job.
No, no, it wasn't mean. It was kind of mean.
I felt bad. There was a bear.
Not here. Here.

How close? How here? Like visiting, staying with you? Or? There was a bear. I legitimately.

So I was already in bed. Nami goes like, Mark.
And I run because it sounded urgent. And I get over there and there's a fucking bear.

She had been sleeping in her bed, which is right by the glass door there. And the bear had come up and just was like at the window staring at her.
And then you see her head go.

And they just stare for a while.

And the bear

paws the glass, like

right on the glass. So Chica gets up, wags.
Then Henry comes over, looks, looked over at the bear, and they're both just like nose to nose on the glass. No barking, no nothing.

And then Amy sees, obviously, and is like, a bear. And I run in and I'm like, hey, get out of here, bear.
Get out of here. Just like that.

Hey, you better leave.

You are trespassing. I will call the police.
It was late at night, just two days ago.

It was the same day we did that recording, I think. No.
Are you sure it happened or were you still hallucinating? I might have been. I kind of hoped I was, but I really wasn't.
So I let the pups out

front and I grab some blueberries. And I am like, oh, the gate's open.
So

look, make sure they don't get out. And I go out there and I see, you know, Henry's peeing on a bush and Chica is standing in the middle of the driveway with her tail raised looking up at something.

And I'm like, hmm, that's odd. And it's dark because it's night and we don't have a ton of lights.
So I can not really see. But I'm looking.

And before my brain registers it, I got a shiver down my spine. And then I see a dark shape in the middle of the driveway up above that Chica is looking at, and it's big.

And I, it took me a second, and then I go, like, that's a bear.

And I immediately set my blueberries down and sprint.

The panic of, oh, I'm gonna say those for later.

I don't remember when I did it because it must have been as I was processing, but let's just say that I go, oh,

you know, like I took that pause, right?

And I, I

sprint because it's Chica is literally staring down a bear. And as soon as I yell Chica, she charges the bear.
Oh, that's not what I would have guessed.

She fucking charged the bear and she's doing her bark.

Very scary, sure. Her very scary bark.
And thankfully, the bear decided that me also running, screaming behind, going,

was scary enough that the the bear actually turned around and ran up the hill. And I'm like, I'm like, okay, I got to throw down with the bear.
I was like, I don't have my bear spray.

I don't have my boar spear. You don't have your blueberries.
I didn't have a blueberries. And I didn't have the knife I usually keep on me, on me at the time.

So I was like, all right, I guess I'm going hand to hand with a bear. Here we go.
Because I would do that for Sheikah. I would throw it down.

I wasn't, I was about to let anything happen, but I was worried that it was going to run off and she was going to run and I wouldn't be able to keep up. And then I wouldn't be able to help.

But thankfully, it it got chased up and then uh i got chica inside and henry was so scared because he didn't see the bear he only heard me yelling and then chica barking so he's like super confused looking around so i get them inside and the bear went up you know and it's somewhere there the like a minute passes by and then i see headlights at the top of the driveway amy got back home and i'm like oh shit She doesn't know that there's a bear literally right there.

Oh God. She shouldn't get out of the car, right? So I look from the door and I see her get out of the car, pick up a package, and then I'm like, shit.

So I grab a stick and I grab a light and I just start running up. I'm like,

are you going to get balled by a bear?

But thankfully, she got it back in her car. And she said, I was just listening to music the whole time.
She's like,

I'll get this package done.

You know,

I was like, there was literally a bear.

It's like a horror movie.

They pulled up with their music eye, which is like,

exactly like that. You look around for the bear, you don't see it.
She pulls the car further in the driveway, then in the back seat, you see the bear's head rise up.

The car starts driving away while Amy's picking up the package, and the bear is just like, oh, God, I can't believe that worked. The bear hid in the box.

Amy's like, wow, this is a heavy package. What's in the box? What's in the box? What's in the box?

Well, my thought is actually, I'm glad that she didn't get there a minute sooner because she would have, her car would have boxed in Chica chica the bear and the car and i think it would have climbed over a fence but that was it was like uh uh my adrenaline had never been higher than those five minutes it was crazy

this episode is brought to you by petivity in every pet story there is a moment a moment where seemingly minor changes could be the first signs of larger issues Petivity is reimagining pet care to help you better understand what's going on with your pets with smart devices and at-home health tests that proactively monitor their health.

Visit pettivity.com all December long for a site-wide sale on all smart devices and at-home health tests.

This episode is brought to you by McAfee. We all spend a lot of time online, obviously.
Yeah, we basically don't leave the internet ever. Gaming, shopping, working, living, breathing.

Oh well, whatever you do online, you can keep it safe with McAfee. That's award-winning protections with secure VPN, scam detector, antivirus comprehensive identity theft protection, and more.

Plan started just $39.99 for your first year. Find out more at mcafee.com/slash distractible.
Cancel anytime, terms apply.

We went to the ocean, and no one hates the ocean more than Henry, and no one love hates the ocean more than Chica. She gets her toes in, and as soon as the wave comes by, she's like,

And then Henry just like stands at the edge, and literally, we're not even pulling on his leash, and he's still like feet dug in, leaning back like this.

We're not tugging him towards the ocean, and every time we're about to to get near when Chica's going, he's like, I'm ready. You're going to betray me at any moment.

He's like the opposite of that character who's like, hold me back, hold me back. No one's touching him.
And he's like, don't make me. And you're like, just stay there, man.
That's fine.

He's like, I won't do it. They're the same way about the pool.
But we took Chica to a creek. Finally, she saw like an actual kind of creek river thing.
She loved it.

She was in there wading around in all the water, was so curious about all the ripples, drank some of it, which is probably not great, but she loved it. Why does she hate pools in the ocean?

She's a literal golden retriever, which are meant to be water dogs, and yet she hates the water, except for the creek. So maybe it's just specifically rivers that she was bred for.

She's actually a golden creek retriever. It's a very specific subspecies.
Our dogs will hop on like a raft in the pool. Ginger loves being in and around the pool.

She'll like hop on the step and sit in it and stuff. Presley's a little bit more finicky about it.
Presley's the only one that's ended up in a creek. It's because he was chasing a rabbit.

We were just, I didn't take them down with us. We were just down at at Lake Cumberland in Kentucky this past weekend.

I wish they'd come with us, but we knew there was going to be some other dogs that they didn't get along well with in the past. I just didn't want to deal with it.

So they got to go to vacation instead of my mom's. They're the only dachshunds I know that will kind of like tolerate water.
The rest of them have always hated it. But Ginger loves water.

She doesn't mind swimming. She doesn't mind sitting on a raft.
I've never had a pro-water dog myself. Lexi knows the truth about water.
She hates it. It's all just different kinds of baths.

And baths are for idiots and losers. She knows what's up.
Wait, do you have a video? Do you have a video of your dog doing that adorable tiny dog jump into the water? Oh, yeah, the super.

I'd probably do somewhere. The Superman? She wouldn't do the jump, but we do have the video of holding her over a pool and she's all

she's not in the water, just trying to swim. We've got to have one somewhere.
I need to find that. But yeah.
I think, actually, speaking of dogs, I've always said Henry's incredibly smart, right?

He had an eye infection recently. He still does.
He's getting it taken care of. So he has eye drops for it, right?

So for a while, like it's like his inner, you know, dogs have two eyelids and the inner one is, it was inflamed and kind of, so every time he looked like he had a big droopy eye and so i started giving him these drops and he didn't he didn't rebel too much at the first times but i swear he asked me for the drop right i can't tell you it wasn't because i he'll come up to me sometimes and like whine if he wants food or something and i go like we already had dinner i was like you you you you had dinner you want to go outside and he's like he doesn't respond because whenever i say the word that he wants, he'll jump and he'll he'll go towards the thing.

And it was like outside, outside. Going back and forth.
And I said, like, do you want, do you want want the drop? And he goes,

medicine. And he's like, he doesn't know these words, but they're different.
And I think he's tangentially related. So I get up and he's like, okay, yeah, follow me.

And he leads me to the kitchen where we have the little eyedropper. And I get the eyedropper and I point it at him.
He's like, this. And he goes,

sits, tilts his head up.

And I'm like, do you understand that this makes your eye feel better? Are you asking for it? And so I gave it to him. And he was like, then he went off on his own.

And I'm like, oh my God, he's so smart. Anyway, he's a very smart boy.