UNLOCKED: Crumbl Cookies with Santa & Mrs. Claus

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Wow, it's the 2024 Dough Boys Christmas special. I'm jolly old St.
Nick Weiger.

Along with my co-ho-ho host, who developed his look after hearing the song, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, Frosty the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. Frosty the Spoon Man.
Howdy, ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho, my good boy. As you can tell, it's the Christmas episode.
We keep saying ho-ho-ho. Ho-ho-ho, or do-do-do, perhaps.
Ho-do-do.

For the Doughboys.

That roast was courtesy of Mark from New Zealand. Another incest roast for the big bearded guy.
Lots of Yule-tide love. In parentheses, Santa comes here first.
I didn't think about that.

But time zone-wise, I guess if you're in New Zealand, you're maybe seeing Red One early on the early side. Wow.
And you saw the movie Red One Early. It probably came out, I guess.

Yeah, their national date line works that way. RostbirdFuck.com.
Mitch, we should, I want to, we have a lot to talk about the holiday season.

We have like just the most incredible booking possible for Christmas. I don't think you can get a better booking.
I don't think you can get a better booking for Christmas.

We're so thrilled to have them both in studio.

But I did want to bring up something with you because you had a character that you developed previously and I said you should do it on the podcast and I don't know if you want to or not I don't want to I certainly don't want to pimp you into this yeah but I think the world should be aware of the existence of NPR Mitch

no okay then we don't have to do NPR Mitch hey how you doing it's a spoon man here

today we're gonna talk about a bunch of fast foods you know that French fries used to be cooked in beef tallow that's that's good that's npr mitch

or doughboys episode one

oh that is it's very similar to how we started this bad podcast. It's true.
Were we trying to be serious? What were we doing? I think we just didn't know how to do a podcast.

We were like, oh, we didn't know you should have energy. We're like, oh, well, podcasts are kind of like hushed like this.

It's nice to be here with my buddy Mitch. And you kind of kept in that tone forever.

I perked up. You perked up a little bit.
Perked up a little bit. There's a reason for you to perk up today.

There certainly is, Mitch. Wise, here we go.
We got a drop. Here we go.
And it's themed for the holidays. Wow.

It's here we go.

Christopher, Christopher, Christopher Rock. Give him a mic, and boy, will he talk.
Wow. Wow.
That one was sent in by the birthday boys.

Wow, the old birthday boys bit Christopher, Christopher, Christopher Rock to the tune of Jingle Bell Rock. That's right.
Wow, a tribute to one of

the clown prince of the United States. Chris Rock.
Yes. And it wasn't that I just pivoted and Googled Christopher Bell Rock and was hoping it was on there because we didn't have a drop.

Someone uploaded it? Someone uploaded it. Wow.
How about that? Do you want to hear how many views it has? Yes. Christopher Bell Rock

from the comedy Death Ray Christmas album.

I was on the album. Has 1.1,000 views.
Hey, that's pretty good, Mitch. Pretty good.

Pretty good. Damn good.
Pretty damn good. When was that uploaded? And also, Alfred Alfredo Film Geek

six years ago wrote, thanks for uploading, exclamation point.

That's the only comment.

He was also scrambling for a drop for his podcast.

It was uploaded eight years ago. We should comment

for our audio listeners.

You and I are dressed up very festively. We have these Christmas sweaters that Amelia acquired for us.
And then also,

Jemmy, perhaps most importantly, is catching a little Z's, catching some shut eye in the most adorable looking Christmas sweater. Wise 100, so eight years ago, a thousand, about a thousand listens.

That's 125 listens per year. Nice math.
Pretty good. Yeah, well done.
Jemmy looks beautiful. Jemmy looks really cute.

Anyway, she's been a little bit of a fuss pod about the sweater, but I think she's maybe softened or just gotten too tired to complain.

That's funny to say she's being a little fussy about the thing she doesn't want to be in.

She's not growling. It's easier to put her in the sweater than it was to put you guys in the sweater.

We also, we both growled.

Drops at birdfuck.com. Mitch,

I'm just over the moon that we have. I'll say this.
We talked about the McList, someone that we would review McDonald's with. Right.

And Trump was on that list. Now, now that he's won again, I think he has to be removed from the McList.
I just don't think he'll be able to schedule it.

But the guests today could be Mick List, they could be on the McList. I mean, I just wouldn't even think they'd be available, but especially in December.
But we have them here today. What a thrill.

Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus.
Wow. Welcome to Doughboy.

Don't you dare ring that bell.

Put that fucking bell down.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Well, Mrs.
Claus. I'm so honored to be here with my lovely wife.
Get away from me. Mrs.
Claus, you seem to be in a bad mood. Yeah, I can't.

I'm not in a bad mood. I'm fine.
I'm having a great time.

I hate to say this.

The North Pole looks like paradise to me, but I think there might be trouble in paradise. What's going on here? Just another Tuesday for Mrs.
Claus.

What do you mean by that?

Just making a joke, I guess. Gingerbread cookies are good, right? He has like gingerbread cookies.

What about a Tuesday? Would make me...

What about a Tuesday would make me act like this? Here's a funny thing about the gingerbread man. He's fast.
What's the deal with him? Why is he so fast? Yeah.

Sorry, there's like a million people talking at me at once right now.

It's always something, isn't it?

Everyone's like screaming in my ear right now.

I just need everyone to chill first.

Sorry, sorry. Sorry.
Happy holidays. Happy holidays.

Happy holidays. The thing that's about gingerbread is it's got that ginger spice.
Yes. Yes.
Love it. My favorite cookie to eat on Christmas Eve.
Kids. Not the only cookie he eats

on Christmas.

Oh.

Well, I mean, of course, naturally he's going from home to home. The children are leaving cookies for him.
He's got a lot of cookies. Yeah, let's take a look at that.

Let's take a bite of the carrot that's left for the reindeer. He's got a lot of cookies and carrots all around this world.
Wait a minute. Let me just say that right now.

Now I'm more confused a little bit, but I think I'm following. He's got a lot of homes that he visits, so there's lots of cookies and carrots.
I mean, I can't imagine there's a layer beyond that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

When you don't have cookies at home, you got to get cookies elsewhere. Okay.

Wow.

I knew you were going to say something like that. Wise.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Thank you both for making time for us. We know this is your busy season.
Mike, my question is.

You guys are very busy this time. You're very busy this time of year.
You're looking ahead. Imagine it's Boxing Day.
It's the day after Christmas. The hard work, the heavy lifting is done.
You get to

kick up your feet, rest your heels a little bit.

What do you like to

do when you finally have a day off, a well-earned day off? I got a question too. Who would you most like to box, Santa? Yeah, that's a follow-up question.
That's a great question. I love Boxing Day.

I would box Krampus.

Remember what we did last year? Don't stop it

okay I'll tell the story so last year normally you know it's like normally he comes home six seven in the morning smelling like somebody else's perfume well he's

somebody else's tree just to just to defend Santa he is he's the the day after Christmas he's gone around the world delivering things thank you I appreciate that that's something that I sort of try and get across that never seems to be heard right and I'm not working harm at hard at home at all oh mrs claus does do

very hard at home. I never said you didn't work at home.
We know from Red Wand. We work very hard at home.
Yeah, we know from Red Red Red Red Red Rights. We know from Red One that Mrs.

Claus kind of works at the command center, so I'm sure you have like a

lot of that. Yeah, we did.
Oh, that's nice. That's cool.
You guys got to meet The Rock? Yeah, we did. We had dinner.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
Was it one of his cheap days? Yeah, we went to Pot Belly.

Oh, that's fun. It was a nighttime Pot Belly.
That's fun. That was a beautiful concert.
Someone was on the drums.

Remember?

Shut up.

Oh, my God.

Last year, last year we ended up going to the Bahamas. Wow.
That's fun. Yeah.
To sort of,

I have a friend there who has a house.

Just say who it is. Jeff Dutton.
Wow. Wow.
What? The sloppy.

And, um, Jeff Dutton's friends with Santa? Also, he has a house in the Bahamas? Oh, fuck. What's that sloppy boy's Patreon doing?

So, um, well, it's his family's. Oh,

I like this. I don't know if he wants that information out there, but

he was not there, so we ended up staying there for a night, and I kind of

got some local ingredients, made kind of a dinner for the both of us. You make guacamole.

You make guacamole. Nachos.

Nachos. It was not even local.
It wasn't local. Well, I mean, I went to a local grocery store and got fresh avocados.

Well,

I mean, I guess that is local. I mean, but not specifically like a Caribbean dish.
And I guess you call everything with tortilla chips nachos.

We dipped tortilla chips in guacamole, and then I grilled steaks. Right.
Right.

So, not everything nachos with steak.

That's to me, see, this is annoying thing, Wise. I think you could probably appreciate this.
It's like people sometimes just call anything like on a bun a burger. You know what I mean?

It's not a burger, you know, it's it's like that's a chicken sandwich. You can't call that a burger.
Is a hot dog a sandwich? I've always wondered.

santa

look i just gotta throw this out here

you two seem very upset at each other yeah it seems like something's going on here i'm not upset you want to tell everyone how you're feeling oh my god of course it's all me um well if you must know we are in the midst of a trial separation oh my god oh goodness goodness.

Leading towards a possible divorce. Oh, my God.
But also leading toward a possible, you know, reunion. Doubtful.

Pretty doubtful. See, trial separate.
Doubtful.

Okay, so the therapist said that the trial part is see how you feel. Right.
We're committing to two months.

We're about two weeks in now. Yeah.
You seem to be having a blast. Well,

I'm dating. I'm out on the town.
Oh, wow. I'm in my ho-ho-ho era.
Wow. Oh, my God.
Yeah. You're dating.
Wow, you're dating. You're dating around.

I'm dating, yeah, actually, someone pretty famous right now.

Oh,

you probably can't say who it is. It's Hot Frosty.
Oh, my dating. You're dating Hot Frosty.
Yeah.

Santa, I don't know how you feel about that. It's got to hit pretty close to home.

I mean, we did say no, you know, maybe not somebody who is like an acquaintance or within a couple degrees of separation of us and our immediate friend group. You're not close friends with him.

You guys went to college together. You're not close.

But it's someone I know. It's someone whose number I have in my phone.
I get what you're saying. I'm not sure I take size here, but he's kind of in the Christmas ecosystem.

It's like, you know, dating someone else on another improv team, you know, it's like. Speaking of hot frosty, you know what that's like.

I heard that

like Frosty himself, not hot Frosty, but Frosty. I heard that he took Ozempic.
I heard he's like really slowing down. Frosty.
He looks great. Frosty the snowman.
I think we have a picture of it.

Yeah, we'll put this picture up. There he is.
Yeah, he looks fantastic. He looks really good.
Yeah, he looks really hot. Good for him.
Yeah, yeah. Good for him.
It gives him a lot of confidence.

Also, makes his carrot look bigger. Yeah, his carrot looks way bigger.
I don't know if you noticed in the photo here. Bulging.

His carrot looks pretty good. He's like,

get rid of the photo now. How many inches that carrots are going to be?

Yeah, you can set it back up.

I don't know. This isn't hot Frosty.
This is just Frosty. This is just Frosty.
Yeah, I know. He looks good, though.
He looks great. Hot Frosty looks great.

You know, another thing we're talking about, Mitch, is that. Hey, is there anyone more famous than Santa? Come on, folks.
That's a good point. Santa is maybe the most famous person.

Listen, there's a small list of people with a certain amount of fame that transcends any celebrity, right? You're talking

about God. God, Ryan Reynolds, Jesus Christ.
Yeah. Santa.
Right. The Easter bunny.
Sure. Good friend of mine.
Ryan Reynolds. I'm sure you've probably snuck into these DMs.
Well, yeah, I did. Oh, okay.

Yeah. He ate me out.
What do you you want me to say?

Jesus.

What? What do you want me to say?

What do you want me to say?

Wait, the Easter bunny ate you out? Yeah. He ate me out.
Oh, my God.

Before he hit all the eggs.

I've been learning in my own individual therapy to pause before I react. You know? That's helpful.
Go ahead. Take a deep breath.

Yeah, I'm counting to 10.

The irony, the irony that he would care who I'm hooking up with is all I'm saying. Here's, This is just a big question for me.

The Easter bunny is like a giant bunny, right? Yeah.

And so you guys had sex. Yeah.

Well,

is receiving oral, like, is that having sex? Like, just a purely oral thing. I guess I would say that's that.

We fucked too. Okay, okay.
Then you did have sex. There's no ambiguity there.

You know, women's perfume is something that I deliver to people as gifts. Go ahead.
Oh, sure.

I was just going to say, it feels like we're dancing. we're being pretty overt with what's going on with Mrs.
Claus.

We're going to be dancing around perhaps an accusation of infidelity involving Santa himself. I feel like we should just go right out and say it.
Yeah, Santa, why don't you go ahead and say it?

My job is very stressful.

I

work non-stop for a whole month. Yeah.

I have one night to get everything right.

And if anyone else had that job, you would probably say it was stressful too. Would you not?

Would you not?

My job's not stressful. I'm doing the same thing.
One day of year, it's the biggest year of my life, you know, biggest day of my life.

Okay, so you're getting in a sleigh and driving it and directing reindeer again, climbing down chimneys.

Well, now you're you're, I think you're contrasting perhaps the physical labor you're doing and suggesting that's of more importance than perhaps the intellectual.

I'm not saying it's of more importance. You sound like her.
I'm not saying that's not a problem. Well, no, I'm not taking any sides here.
I'm just waiting for the words.

I'm just saying, let's look at the facts of what is real and say that, like, I do work very hard for that. And that's something that one could have empathy for.

I think the Doughboys is a really stressful job.

It's true. Yeah.
We record. It's nothing near what I do, but go ahead.

That's a little dismissive. That's a little dismissive.
We record, we need to get 52 episodes out a year. It's true.
We're doing here. We have 90 billion toys in one month.
That's a lot. That's a lot.

That is a lot. And go to 90 billion houses.

Also, Mitch, if you count Patreon episodes, it's 104. 104, yeah.
Except we do take a few weeks off. We do take a few weeks off, so it's closer to like 96.
Oh, that must be stressful for you guys.

So it's a lot. It's a lot.
I don't know how many houses we are as far as you make 96 billion toys

and you visit how many houses, like billions of houses. Yeah.

We're probably in how many houses?

How many 2,000? Yeah,

how many views did that video have? 1,001. Maybe about that many.
Yeah, yeah, probably that many. So I'd say at around the 30 billion house mark.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I need to release a little tension.

Sure. Right? We get that.
Yeah, I get that. What do you mean you get that? In between episodes, sometimes we jack off.

We're like in the bathroom or something?

Sometimes in the bathroom.

Yeah. Sometimes we kick everyone out of the studio, Nick and I, and right? Yeah.

And we'll. So you guys have jacked off right where we're sitting.

In our seats. In our seats.
Yeah. We're not animals.
Yeah.

Well,

Santa has to jack off too, believe it or not. And sometimes there's a nice single mom who's maybe still up with a glass of wine who might want to help.
Like Aaron Brockovich or something?

Aaron Brockovich?

Yeah, I heard you hooked up with her. Oh my God.
Wait, do you mean, do you mean Julia Roberts, the actress who portrayed Aaron Brockovich or the actual like environmental activist, Aaron Brockovich?

I thought Aaron Brockovich was like, like, was like Santa. I thought it was like one of those mystic.
No, Aaron Brockovich is real. Oh, she's real.
She's dead, too. She's real.
Yeah, she's dead.

Yeah, she died.

So we're talking about Julia Roberts. Oh, my God.
Well, that's not, well,

okay.

You know that rumor that Obama was hooking up with Jennifer Anderson? And

Seltzer texted us that. They got it wrong.

Julia Roberts is hooking up with Santa. Okay.
Wow. So the night.
I understand how the game of telephone led to that being no boss. That's where they got it wrong.
Okay, listen. She was up.

We were talking. She had just found out that she was inducting Dave Matthews' band into the rock and roll hall of fame.
That's right.

And she was excited about it. I was like, I love that band.
Yeah.

I was talking to my friend about that, and you were saying, and they were saying, here's a moment where Dave Matthews' band could have like beat off the allegations of being like a purely white family.

Yeah, they picked the whitest person on earth to induct them into the Hall of Fame. That's a different discussion, but I think that their fan base kind of turns people off.

But I think they're a really great band and their relationship is unmeasured. And anyways, Santa, you've given me a couple Dave Matthews CDs over the years.

That's right. He loves Dave Matthews.

He loves Dave Matthews, don't you? Why do you tell him about the Elves? Tell him about the Elves.

Santa. Help me out here.
What about the Elves?

Tell him about what you did to the Elves.

Did you? Wait, what?

Say what you did to the elves.

Can we get in trouble with an ominous?

Go on.

I asked the elves if I could jerk off in front of them.

Now, what kind of workplace environment is that?

Where the boss

jacks off in front of all the little elves

who are working tirelessly for you year-round.

Let's go to the producer's desk. What kind of workplace is that? I don't know.
They just said how they'll kick us out so that they can pull an auto phone.

They don't even kick us out. Yeah, we usually have to get out of here.
All right, I'm going to listen.

We don't need to hear any more from you two over there, okay?

When it comes to this stuff,

we're very professional here. Santa,

I'm trying to get a story killed about this by you won't believe this, Jeffrey Toobin.

And so I just saw Toobin had an op-ed criticizing Biden for pardoning his son, Hunter. And I was like, Toobin, you're the guy who fucking jacked off on Zoom.

What do you tell you to be on your high horse about like that, like nepotism or whatever? I have a question for you. Stop pulling your fucking meat on.
How did jacking off become a crime?

That's my question to you: is Hunter Biden on your naughty list or your nice? list? Great question.

Well, he was on.

Go on. No, go ahead.
No, go ahead. No, go ahead.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Oh, no. Go ahead.
No, you don't. No, please.

Go ahead, talk. I think, you know,

I think, Santa, it's like a sensitive thing. He doesn't like being asked about the naughty list, the nice list.
I feel like it's like a thing of like, you know.

It's like you as an actor, you don't want someone to tell you how to say a line, right? They don't want to give him a line reading. I think it's like the equivalent of that.
You just

let him do his business. Yeah.

Do people come up to you on the street and go, hey, what do you think of, what do you think of McDonald's or whatever? And you're like, this is true.

They go like this, make me laugh. Right.
Go on, make me laugh. Tell me a joke, comedian.
Yeah, no, they do that. Go on.
And I've never been able to pull it off.

Hey, have you tried the new McRib at McDonald's? Honestly, Santa, they do come up to me and ask me. That does.
Do you like it when they do that? I'm not, that doesn't bother me. Make me laugh.

That's a little bit harder. Yeah, it's a little aggressive.
Go ahead. Probably.
Tell us a joke. Go ahead.
Make me giggle. I feel like you're mad at us, Mrs.
Claus. No, no, I'm not.

I mean, I don't know. Are you guys friends with Santa? Are you whose whose side are you on? Well, I will, I, here's what I'm saying.
I was going to say, we love both of you.

Like, I was just like, when we had Santa and Mrs. Claus on, you and I were texting, I was like, man, this is amazing.
I love Santa so much. I love Mrs.
Claus so much.

These people have meant so much to me throughout my entire life. And just the idea of like actually connecting with them.
What's my first name?

if you care so much about us

what's my first name welcome to my world Gloria

Gloria Claus

Krista Krista Klaus Chris Chris Kringle and Krista Kringle

it's Krispy Chris

Krispy Claus

yeah well Krispy Kringle Krispy Claus it depends on my little crispy

I remember the first time I called you that that's sweet did you guys do you go to North Pole U?

We did. We met there.

We were both studying snow. Wow.
Yeah, it's a tough major to get in. Didn't you go to North Pole U? I had a minor in ice.
You had a minor in. Oh, wow.
And I had a minor in theater.

And what were you, what did you study there, Wax? Children, right?

I was a children's major. You were a major in children?

I had a major in children and a minor in candy canes. Wow.
Didn't Jared from Subway go to...

We do. We did.
He was a couple couple years after us.

Well, yeah,

I was in his dorm. Like, it was like people, well, like, I was in his dorm and people were saying, like, oh, that used to be Jared's room.
I was like, oh, that's crazy.

But that was before any of the shit happened. Yeah, yeah.
So I was just like, oh, wow, the Subway.

You had Jared's old room? Yeah, I was in there. Yeah.

Did you know being Santa Claus was down to me and Jared?

They went back and

dodged.

Bullet dodged for humanity. It was down to you and Jared? Yeah, he didn't get it.
And then he kind of spun out and then he kind of got himself back together and started going to Subway.

Yeah, he was did that makes sense. He was big.
He had the look. He had the look.
He was hot before he got thin. Oh, you don't like the you know.
He's a chubby chaser. Oh.

Except for right now, Hot Frosty, he's fit.

Oh, you were going away from your type now that this is.

You're my type, by the way.

So I'm very Santa, like you're saying. You're my type.
I want you to know normally. Oh, no, thank you.

Normally, I would be, i think i would be very aggressive towards you hitting on you but i have a thing going right now with yeah hot frosty well that's very kind of you but

i'll be honest with you santa you're my boy i could never do that to santa santa's my boy

i i i i would never i wouldn't want to risk getting on the naughty list um listen one option here is that we you know we stay together we have kind of an open thing

santa What? You know, that's not because

we're not. You can't just open a marriage up that wasn't like what you were doing going in.
We are one of the most important couples in the world. Yeah, it's true.
What kind of example does that set?

You know, we're like, we're not. Is that any worse than us being separated and divorced?

Okay, look.

I don't think there should be a stigma to ending a marriage. If that's the right thing for both of you, if that's the right thing for a relationship, I don't think that's a thing.

Does Natalie never want to try us do a trial separation? Uh,

we might be doing one now, not sure.

I'll text her.

You are just in your room playing video games most of the day while she's in another room. Yeah, I mean, functionally.
How about bro's weekend in the Bahamas? Sid, I love that idea. I love that idea.

Nick probably won't come, but yeah, no, I'm RSVP now, but that sounds I'd love the invite.

Okay, can I quickly get into you minored in candy canes? Yeah,

can I just hear like so you know a lot of people? harder than you would think really yep

yeah i well um

uh you know first off the candy cane shape was not originally a hook really

just be a stick and then the other thing is they were it was didn't the stripes didn't happen for a while wow yeah that guy knows his shit they were just they were just white they were just a white stick and then they white stick they bent it and then they added the red stripes and they didn't used to taste like peppermint they didn't use to taste like peppermint no.

What do they used to taste like?

Dog shit.

They did.

Just to quickly review,

white straight stick tasted like dog shit. Yeah.
It was modeled after

brown straight stick.

Oh, like shit?

It was modeled after a log of shit. Yeah.

That was the original idea. And then over time, things kept changing and they kept evolving.

Inventor, I forget his name, but he rolled out the shit like this. Yeah.
Oh, wait. And then he curved.

And that was the first.

It was the first innovation. Oh, so the first KDK was he rolled out shit.
He rolled it out. He put it in the freezer so it got hard and he would use it to

hit flies away.

He flies away with it.

Because

the shit was attracting the flies.

Right. They'd all kind of congregate around it.
It kind of seems like. But it was the quickest way to get all the flies in the house to one place.
One spot where where you swack them. Yeah.

It seems like Jemmy would love the old treat. Dogs like to eat their own shit.
It's true. Yeah.
I don't know if that's true about Demi.

She actually prefers cat shit. It's really interesting, but she loves eating cat shit.
What an artist. Yeah.
She's a real weird one. If you come over to my place, you'll hit the jackpot.

I got a lot of them. I'm trying to get over there.

Wally and Irma, they shit all the time. I gotta throw it away.
We've seen your Christmas list. We know.

I asked mostly for litter on my Christmas list.

You're getting a lot of it this year. I'm very excited, Santa.
Here's my question.

We asked about,

we mentioned Red One earlier.

The film Red One, which you consulted on, depicts the North Pole as kind of this Arctic Wakanda, this sort of future society that has

these technological innovations that we've yet to see in our world. Arctic Wakanda.
That's why I feel like what they're trying to evoke.

Is that the real North Pole or is that an idealized version of it? Because I always thought of it as a little bit more like, you know, wholesome and old-fashioned.

Like, yeah, a little more main street. That's a great question.
Have you ever been to Burbank? I have been to Burbank. It's exactly like Burbank.
Oh, man. The North Pole is exactly like Burbank.

We have a Maggianos. You have a Maggianos?

A European wax center. Oh, nice.
Okay. Wow.
So you kind of got it all up there.

Do you have a Guisados? We have a Guisados. But it's not as good.

Yes, I mean, I wouldn't, I wouldn't have mentioned that. It's not as good.
Yeah.

Yeah,

it's the elevation and the air's thinner, so it's harder to stew meats and stuff like that. Oh, yeah.
We do have one, yeah. But but they regionally they have reindeer tacos.
Yeah. Oh, that's fun.

None of my reindeers, of course. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, I know. It kind of seems fucked up that they have any reindeer tacos at all.
It's nice to eat reindeer in front of reindeer.

They like it. It's a carriable thing.
I went to a turtle sanctuary once on vacation,

and

they were serving turtle meat at the snack bar. It was very strange.
Really? They get like turtle soup and things. Well, if you go to the IKEA

in the North Pole,

they serve reindeer meatballs. Oh my god.
Yeah. Seems like you guys eat a lot of reindeer up there.
Yeah, it's the main protein in most stuff. Jesus Christ.
I mean, you guys kind of get it.

It's like, you know, so sparse in terms of available wildlife. What else? You get like an Arctic bear.
You got maybe a polar bear, but like... Penguin, sure, but probably reindeer.

She makes a mean penguin empanada. I do.
I do make it really good. I stuff a whole penguin inside of a thing of dough, and I call it an adaptive Wow.

It doesn't sound good, but

it tastes really good. It's amazing.
Were you guys conflicted with watching the penguin? I'm sure a show that would probably make you feel hungry. Great question.
Penguin, yeah. Yeah, well,

she

took, okay, so she's living in her own place now, and she has the max login, and then she logged me out and changed the password.

I haven't had a chance to watch it. Well, you can guess what they are.
I said, go ahead, guess. Guess the password? Guess the password.

You'll know the answer. Yeah, crispy1234.

But you changed something where it's like maybe it's a capital K now or something like that.

I

you I don't like you guys. I don't like you guys.

I don't like you guys.

I don't think that was the end of his sentence. It wasn't the end of my sentence.
Okay, sorry. I know.
I have to jump down our throat before I react.

One, two, three. We've been working a lot in therapy.

you know the the main things that couples fight about eight nine ten they fight about money yeah they fight about parenting yeah or they fire they fight about fire they fight about fire yeah i've heard this i've heard about this yeah those are the three

well i heard frankenstein and bride of were in therapy because they had a lot of fights about fire yeah because like Frankenstein's always like fire bad and yeah bride of is kind of like fire good you know they kind of just are kind of and they got back together they got back together and you know who else I heard was was in therapy because of this?

Beavis and Butthead. They did, yeah.
They had a whole thing. Fire, fire.
He loves fire. Butthead was like, what's all the fire? Shut up, Beavis.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'd think those guys would be on the naughty list, but they are good dudes. Beavis and Butthead.
They are good dudes. Just because somebody isn't smart doesn't mean that they're bad inherently.

Mitch and I bet Butthead at Sketchfest. He was so nice.
Yeah, he's really nice.

He took a photo of it. He's a good improviser.
He's so funny. He's so quick.
Have you had him on the podcast?

He's been fucking busy. He's got his own podcast.
And also, he said that weird shit, too, just not too long ago. He said that weird shit.
Yeah, he did. It wasn't that offensive.
It was.

I mean, it was. Yeah, I know.

Sometimes I think we're a little too sensitive about people saying that kind of stuff.

People always think that we're so woke up in the North Pole. We're not.

You're not that woke. No, we're not that woke.
I just want to say that right now. Oh, wow.

She's right. You know, things just don't, you know,

we're really isolated up there. Yeah.
It's us. It's basically us, the elves, the reindeer, and the people who work at Guisados and Maggiano's

and European Wax Center.

Butthead said that, like,

Dario only got a show because she was a woman. It was like, it was really complicated.
Yeah, I don't think that's that bad. See, Mrs.
Claus. You know, it's, I mean, you know what, Mrs.
Claus?

I think you're my type.

Santa, don't worry, Santa. I don't worry.
It's nice to hear actually. Listen, this is everything's not, there's nothing in my control right now.

Look, I think that I don't like you

guys not getting along is what I was going to say. I love both of you.
Forever, it's been Santa and Mrs. Claus.

Yeah, everyone talks about both of us. Yeah, yeah.
Equally. Mrs.
Claus is just important to me as Santa wives, you too. I think they do, yeah.

No, they don't. I think they do.
And maybe some of that, maybe there's some of that, Santa, you got to realize you're a big shot. You know, you're very well known.
He's a narcissist is what he is.

That's, that's. You know what it, you know, the, what a narcissist? I know what it is.

I know what it is. I couldn't give you a definition.
I just learned what it is. Everyone in my life is a fucking narcissist.
Oh, my God. Telling you.

What is the definition?

Somebody who thinks about themselves. Yeah.
Period.

Wow.

That's it.

She's bipolar, if you know what I mean. Yeah, well, I I am bisexual, if that's what you mean by that joke.

Well, hold on a second. What do you mean? And what do you mean? Bipolar, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, I know what bipolar means. Mrs.
Claus is bipolar. You know what I mean?

She has a disorder where she has horrible mood swings. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Yes, I do.
You call my period.

Santa, you can't say someone's bipolar if they have their period. Yeah.

Yeah, you can't call a woman crazy, okay? Yeah, that's that's crazy. I didn't say a woman was crazy.

but saying someone's bipolar just because they're on their period she may be bipolar but you're north polar and that's a thing you need to work through i love that you said that thank you i said it because i love you wow sometimes a joke just kind of breaks the tension and i just got to remember

that we're here for a good we're here to have fun we're here to talk about food

maybe i think your favorite food i have to assume though i don't know i don't know for sure maybe you'd rather have a big plate of rigatone from nachanos.

Nachos. He likes nachos.
I was like chips and dip, yes. I think when people have an association with Santa, though, when they think, what food does Santa eat, they're always thinking cookies.

Are you burned out by cookies by the time you're done with your deliveries? Or is there nothing you could rather eat endless amounts of? Christmas Eve is the only night of the year I eat cookies.

Oh, wow. Wow.
What a lie. Oh, my God, Santa.
Such a lie. Wait,

you're saying he's full of shit. He's full of shit.
He's full of cookies. You're eating cookie every night.

I had you tracked. You're eating cookie every night.
When you say it like that, eating cookie, as opposed to eating cookies,

sounds like something. It sounds like,

I'll be clear here. Yeah.
It sounds like Santa's eating pussy. It sounds like you're talking about Santa eating pussy.

Cookie.

Let's just say. And Santa, you got that big beard, which I would guess makes eating pussy very hard is my guess.

You're not going to believe this, but it actually makes it easier and more pleasurable. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

God. For reasons I shan't disclose.

Man.

I swear to God, you'd fucking touch that bell.

Now, wise, every time this bell rings, a Santa gets his cookie.

Well, that's kind of, that means that's for you, right?

I don't know, man. I gotta say, this bell, I it's reminding Mitch.
This is only something only you know, this is remote, the bell is reminding me of past guest John Adams. Oh, yeah.

President John Adams on the podcast. He also had his famous bell this year.
Yes, another

mythical creature,

a mythical character we've had on this video. Another character of legend.

President John Adams

played so in his famous bell. That's right.
As we know,

played by Paul Giamatti in the HBO mini-series. That's right.
I'm sorry, you don't have the password, but it's a great miniseries. It's really good.
It's really good if you want to check it out.

I have an old screener. Oh, perfect.

Do you get screeners? Yeah. I guess you'd be in the guild.
You're like, you make all sorts of things. Oh, wait, Santa's in the guild.
No, you make all sorts of appearances.

He's going to get in huge trouble for this, but I'm friends with Giamatti, and he let me borrow his.

He's in SAG. He is.

Giamatti, but are you in SAG? It sounds like you're in SAG. We're both in SAG.
Yep. Wow.
Yeah,

we're at the strike.

You guys are at the strike? We were there. Yeah.
We supported.

Which supported the corporations. Were you at a strike?

Oh, you support the corporations.

Ted is a friend. You know, not the side I was on, but that's fair.
Yeah, yeah, everyone has their own opinions. Yeah.
Wages, I got a question for you. And this relates to you guys.
Yeah.

What is your Christmas Eve dinner or Christmas night dinner? Christmas Day night dinner. Mitch, this is a great question.
And also, what do you put out for Santa Claus for treats? So I will say that

I think a lot of families will have like, oh, we'll have a big Christmas Eve feast, but that was never really a tradition in my family.

I feel like, if anything, it would be like, oh, we might have some,

we might have a nice, like a fun dessert or something on Christmas Eve, or maybe some eggnog, a hot toddy, you know, like

a festive drink, but we'd save the big eating day for Christmas Day itself. How about yourself? I like

me. I feel like a roast beef.
Roast beef is a bad thing. I like a roast beef, but my mom,

oftentimes, my mom will get lobster rolls. That's fine.
Clam chowder. And baked clam.
We'll do baked clams.

And it's very good. And then as far as leaving stuff up for Santa, I go with milk and cookies.
Yeah, we go with milk and cookies, kind of a classic. It'd be fun if we bake some cookies.

It'd be like, hey, there's something homemade for Santa, which I would think he'd appreciate, but who knows?

Maybe he wants something, maybe he's more like Trump and wants something that's wrapped that he knows is not going to be tampered with.

Do you like that better, Santa? Something that you know is like, hasn't been touched upon. Hey, here's a couple chipboard poison.

Yeah, kind of similar to Trump.

What do I like to be left out for me?

Well,

listen, I love having my cookie night, and if anybody thinks outside of the box, you know, I don't mind. You know, every now and then you get,

oh, I don't know, a Danish

Spanikopita.

You know, when I ride through Greece, they're always putting on Hispanic for me. Didn't think about that.
Yeah, in different regions.

That's right.

Sadziki all over his mouth when he comes home. It sounds like you just, it sounds like you're not with Santa for just being, for being gross, it sounds like.
It sounds like more hygienic.

No, he, he.

I love you.

I love you no matter what the result of this is. I want you to know you're one of the most important person in my life, and I love you.
Wow, that's such a wholesome Santa.

Of course, I do. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I've been madly in love with you.
You remember that night we had

at the Macy's?

In the toy section, in the toy section,

and we grabbed that little train. Remember,

and I said,

here comes the Choo-Choo entering the station. And I said,

oh, he's going to have to pay the fare.

How much, Mr. Conductor?

Oh, 40 quid.

You would not believe

what happened next.

I think I have a pretty good idea. You kind of inferred.
We were banned from the Macy's. Yeah, I I think you did that.
I think that's right.

I think that's pretty right if I can guess what was happening. We were banned from New York City for a bit.
Wow. You could have gone to New York City? Nope.
Nope. That's a huge place on your list.

Millions of people live there. There was a few years there where New York City was covered by,

you know. Jared from Subway.
Yep. Oh, my God.

We would always call him up when we needed somebody because he had the education for him.

Right, right, right.

This is hopefully free allocation.

What year would that have been?

What was it? There might have been maybe a year or two of overall. It was 2001, I think.

I think you're in the clear in 2001.

Yeah, but how many years was that? He had a lot going on. So the first year you didn't deliver toys to New York City was 2001.
Yeah. That's horrible timing.
I know. We know.

The kids could have used it. It was hurting.
Yeah. It was a very sad time.

He used to pick up.

Jared took care care of him. Jared did a good job.

I guess they probably didn't really even notice the difference. Presents showed up.
They're like, oh, Santa came, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You heard that Sebastian Maniscalco joke about like,

well, putting out a, I went to go put out

a cooked milk and cookies for my, for my, for Santa, and my dad said, you know, dad, he's not going to want a milk and cookies. He's going to want some pasta.
How about a glass of Chianti?

Because like his big Italian dad was like, he plugged me that he was going to have it for himself.

I don't know if you like that kind of joke or not. I'm glad it is.
This reminds me, Santa, I saw you on Kill Tony.

Oh, God.

That's right.

You went to Austin, I guess, right? Yeah, he did Kill Tony.

You were successful? He did very well. Wow.
Yeah. I'm kind of doing it.

It's kind of like, you know, as I get up there in years, you know, I need to fill the time between Christmases, of course, you know, going to the Bahamas, whatever. But I'm trying my hand at stand-up.

And yeah,

I was on Joe's podcast, and then he said, Come down, do Kill Tony.

Oh, you were on Rogan first, that's how

it hasn't come out yet, but yeah, he flew to Rogan, of course.

He did it in studio, you got to do it in studio, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, you know, Kill Tony, he did, you did really good.
Thank you, yeah, oh, wow, you were there supporting, yeah.

I was there, I helped, I helped. Charming Calvin, you put she gave me a couple of tags for some jokes.
I gave him a joke about, you know, um,

when when Santa is going down the chimney,

so people think that he makes himself really small as he goes down. That's kind of what happens with the J.K.
Simmons interpretation of Santa and the Tim Allen version, you know.

But no, he actually stays big and he cleans the chimneys. Oh.
So I said, why don't you just say,

I'm the Santa quicker picker-upper.

That's so funny. And it's really good.
It killed. Yeah, no, that one did okay.
No, it killed. I was there.
It did okay. Yeah.
Well, it's different when you're up there. What do you mean? That is true.

We can actually test this, Nick and I. When you're up on stage, Mrs.
Claus, it is just a completely different thing. It's different when you're up there.
Yeah.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it. We're talking with your improv.
Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, we're talking with improv. We're talking with Doughboys Live.
Yeah, right, yeah.

Well, I've performed before, so. Oh, okay.
I was a theater theater minor. Oh, that's right.
You were a theater minor. that's right.
I played the back half of

the body of a horse.

Oh, wow. Yeah.
Oh, wow.

That's wild. I was the feet

in the ass. I remember you won the Moth Story Slam.
I did. That was a crazy.
That was a harrowing story you were talking about. I told the story of

when I thought I was pregnant and I had an abortion.

Oh, my God.

Santhos. I mean,

And it was the hardest decision we ever made, but

we needed to do it so that that's only right to the kid, I'm sure. You could never pay attention to that child.
Yeah. No,

we couldn't. We have so much.

I didn't pay attention to it. I just knew I had to put my career first.

And he was by my side for that.

That is extremely sweet. You know, know my issue with the moth storytelling? No stories about moths themselves.

Is that a joke? Was that a joke?

It's not really the time to crack a joke.

Right on the heels of one of the most important moments of my life. An incredibly personal and vulnerable thing on the podcast.
Oh, it's the truth.

I thought that there would be more stories.

And also, I try to lighten the mood a little bit.

You know,

I'm sorry.

No, you're fine.

No, it's okay. You're right.
There should be more stories about moths at the moth. I'll let them know.

Yeah, I'll send an email.

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All right.

I love being here with you guys. We're having a blast.

Let's talk about food. Let's talk about food.

Christmas is a. Santa, you got a bowl full of jelly.
You got a bowl full of jelly, and we had some boxes full of cookies. Christmas, of course, the big cookie holiday.

We're talking crumble cookies this episode. Now, look, here's the thing: thing.

We might be on the naughty list for this, Santa, but I'm going to let you know. When we previously reviewed

Crumble, it was with Mary Jane Gibson and Mike Glazer, and it was for 420, our 420 episode, and we reviewed Crumble Cookies out of blunts.

Wow. Yeah, so it was very, you know.
We were leaning into the weed side. This is a very different holiday.
Crumble was founded in Utah in 2017. It is a huge COVID success story.

So much of its growth happened during the pandemic. People were like, I can get some sort of fun dessert delivered to me or pick it up.
It has very good success as the virus itself.

It honestly, it spread like one. It now has over 800 stores.

Distribute COVID. Oh, wait, wait.

I heard you say success.

It was one of the busiest we've ever been going. That's why winter there's always a big surge is because usually

I get it and then I'm going all around the world.

We have a colony of bats that live

in one of the warehouses. We're in a workshop.
Oh, that's my Christmas dinner.

You eat Wuhan bats for dinner? He bites the heads off. Oh, my God.
Hazy style. Santa,

you're the super.

You should take some more precautions. Has over 800 stores, reveals its weekly cookie lineup Sunday nights on social media.
Some cookies are served warm, some are served chilled, which we'll get to.

That's the weirdest, the biggest hurdle for me with Crumble is the chilled cookies. They are very much their own thing.
I feel bad for

all the bats of Wuhan. Now that I brought it up, just just saying they got in a bad rap.
Yeah, I'm kind of painting with a broad brush to say, like, it's all the bats. Yeah, it's not all the bats.

We kill people.

Bats of Wuhan.

That's a great.

That you should have done that on Kill Tony. I feel, especially Kill Tony would have loved that.
I did.

I did. It crushed.

We got their holiday cookie lineup for Christmas, topped by Jimmy Fallon's Holiday Seasoning candy cane brownie. Now, this is not a cookie, but this is a brownie.

Santa, you're a fallon watcher. We love fallon in ours.
We just love fallon.

He's got to be on the nice list. Oh, the nicest.
He's so nice. People think it's fake, but he's so nice.

He's so real. People think it's fake.
People think it's fake and that it's all an act and he's an asshole. But no, he is genuinely

one of the nicest people. The sweetest guy.
Yeah, he seems really nice. I know that's laughing so enthusiastically at everyone's saying, like, you know, being such a convivial host.

Remember when he got the

what was that thing? Ring avulsion? Yes. Yes, yeah.
Yeah, you get some nasty. That was us.
That was you? Yep. Yep.
You guys, we had a little too many eggnogs with us. Oh, boy.

But see, people also, people say Jimmy Fallen's an asshole and that he's a huge drunk, but these are just rumors. It's not the truth about him, right?

No, he's, he doesn't drink. Oh, wow.
Yeah. So you guys had too much eggnog.
I had had too much eggnog and I shoved him really hard. Oh, my God.

And I was being mean to all of his staff. Oh, wow.
Oh, so that kind of got just like guilt by association. Yeah, he's affiliated with you.
Okay. Ellen was undone in a similar way.

Yeah, Ellen is a dream. She's so nice.
She's so wonderful.

I screamed at her stuff. Santa.
And I came up with that list of stuff that her staff isn't allowed to say. Oh, right.
That was you? Yeah, like car accident. That's, yeah.

Well, now she's moved to England because of all of that, the stuff that you guys did. She's moved off to England.
We're losing all our best celebrities. Yeah.

We lost Ellen. We lost Spacey.
Everyone's moving overseas.

Mel's still here. Mel's still here.
Mel. We got to stop driving off our best celebrities.
Hey, Mel, who which mel? Gibson. Oh, Gibson.

What other Mels are there? Mel Torme? He's passed away.

No,

Mel

Brooks. Thank you.
Oh, Mel Brooks, of course. Mel Brooks.
Yeah.

He, no, he's not good. We don't.
We don't like Mel Brooks. We don't like Mel Brooks.
Oh, boy. Interesting.
All right. We don't need to interrogate.
We don't need an interconnection.

I think I know why. Jimmy, you guys don't like Mel Brooks.

Jimmy Fallon's holiday seasoning candy cane brownie is a rich brownie topped with a peppermint white drop buttercream, complete with a drizzle of semi-sweet ganache and a crunch of candy cane pieces.

Now, I was going in ready to dislike this. We were ready to dislike this quite a bit, but just like Fallon himself,

extremely likable.

It kind of worked. It was very, very tasty.

Wow. Wow.

It was delicious. It was very good.
Real yummy. They should do ho-ho-ho-ho for the Christmas, Fallon Christmas episode.
That is very good. I think that that's good.
I'll tell Kwushlov. Oh, wow.

You know everyone, Santa.

Well, yeah, of course this guy's got a got, you know, everyone is in his connections. My little black book ain't so little.

Oh, great. He brought up the book.

You guys are doing great. Look, we're not.
Look.

Wax, I'm not a big Crumble guy,

but you know what? If Crumble was Bumble, I'd be swiping right on a lot of these candies.

That's a Killed Tony joke right there. Thank you.
I think Kill Tony would love that.

You would have loved that. I would love to.
I think the, here's the thing I was going to say.

Peppermint, I'm always a little bit skeptical of in a dessert.

And that's funny because you minored it or majored in candy canes?

I minored in candy canes. I majored in children.
That's right. I think the

and when you get, when you start getting chocolate and pepper, I mean, like, I'll like a York peppermint patty. That will work for me.

But I, but again, I was just going in, I was like, I was like, a peppermint brownie.

And then it's also got like, you know, it's got the peppermint buttercream on top and then candy canes mixed inside. Like you're biting into it and I was like, what are these nuts?

No, they're like fucking candy canes. I was like ready to declare this ungopachka, but it all kind of works together.
And I think, I think the textures all sort of integrate well.

And I think it's the right amount of peppermint, the right ratio of peppermint to chocolate. I thought this was this was rich and flavorful.

And although it is a brownie, not a cookie, I think it's a great seasonal crumble offering. It was very impressive.
Let's let the experts weigh in on this. Did it count as a cookie to you?

That was a piece of cake. Wow.
It was a piece of cake. Yeah.

It was a piece of cake to eat. It was so delicious.
Santa. I I say no ruling.
Who cares?

I agree with Santa. Wow.
You know what it's called when you're skeptical of peppermint? Your keppermint.

That's true. Kill Tony would love that.

Are you sure? We would love that. Are you sure Kiltoni would love that? He would absolutely die at that.
Coffee, the caramel toffee butter cake.

A warm, gooey caramel butter cake baked with a crunch of sugar crystals, then topped with a delectable toffee glaze, a smooth vanilla bean whipped cream, and a drizzle of caramel to finish now this was fucking crazy now this is the pancake this was a cake yeah wait was this the pancake this was the pancake i fucking loved the pancake it was i loved the pancake this was this was really yummy extremely indulgent

this is the thing the these so if you haven't had crumble before these some bitches are like the size of donuts they're big big cookies they're the size of a small child yeah they're they're they're an elf or an elf the size of an elf the size of an elf

size of an elf they're they're they're too big for one individual to eat all of they are intended for sharing. In fact, part of what Crumble has is they have

a cookie quadrant maker that divides it into foursomes. And Amelia, you were talking about the scandal earlier where it turned out that they were like

being

kind of coy about the nutritional information with these cookies.

They were saying like, hey, there's 180 calories per serving, but not disclosing there was maybe like eight servings in an individual cookie. Oh my God.
So

you're not meant to just grab one of these whole ones and eat all of it, even though that may be what you're used to in a cookie context.

This one, I could not imagine eating more than like a quarter of it. It's so fucking rich.
Good drills, he's supposed to eat one-eighth of it. I know, yeah, man.

I mean, I just say, that's not wild. That's wild.
I think that they're trying to kill people. Those things,

if you eat a whole one, you're dead. Yeah.

I came close. See, I probably ate a full altogether.

I probably ate a of the, you know,

this is Santa. I'm, I know know that Santa.

Thank God I'm immortal.

I was going to say, and you, and you have a bowl full of, I mean, I have a bowl full of jelly too, so this doesn't really affect us. We all do around this time of year.

Everyone has a bowl full of jelly. But do you, are you conscious about the calories in this? Is that, is that too much for you? No, like I said, I'm immortal, and so it just kind of doesn't matter.

I kind of just eat what I want. You know what I mean? That rules, honestly.
It's kind of cool. I mean, it doesn't mean it doesn't come with, you know, bowel problems.
Sure. Yeah.

You know, all that kind of stuff. Oh, I didn't think about that.
You may live forever, but you may have real, like, uncomfortable BMs. Yes, IBS.
Yeah. Oh, man.
That's not pleasant. No, no, it's not.

But, you know,

part of the job. Yeah.

Also doing business. This is something people don't realize, but Santa uses your bathroom.
Oh,

he comes. He's not just

your cookies. No, you do.
You can't have milk, but you do. Every time you eat, drink that.
That explains it. Christmas morning, I woke up.
My mom and sister were like, The bathroom stinks like shit.

What'd you do? I was like, It wasn't me. It wasn't me.
You know, they point the finger at my bed.

My bad. That was you? Yep.
Wow. Oh, my God.
You don't realize how much, how many cookies I've eaten by the time I get to your house. Yeah, I'm sure millions upon millions.
Yeah. That's wild.

Not to mention all the women he ate the pussies of. Oh, my God.
I don't really think about these two things in combination.

So you're going to one house and you're like blowing up the bathroom, you're going to the next house and like eating some mom snatch.

Fucking depraved, Santa. Fucking soaked beard.
Yeah.

Have you ever heard of the term blumpkin?

Oh, God. I have, but it's disgusting.
Those are urban legends.

You get on the joint. No, don't describe it.
You get on the joint and you call a mom over to don't, nope. That's horrifying.

Some things about the miracle of Christmas should remain secret.

I'm just saying, nobody knows what their parents do when Santa shows up.

That's it. I'm sleeping in my mom's bed this Christmas.

Well, I thought you always did that. Well, sometimes I do.

And I'm putting, I'm turning on the camera in my toilet.

My toilet camera. Thanks.

We'll believe that one.

Open secret. All right.
The cookies and cream milkshake. This one did not work for me.
It's a milkshake-inspired cookie. This is one of the chilled ones.

It's meant to be like an Oreo milkshake and cookie form. I just like...
This is the Oreo one. This is the Oreo one.
The texture of this was like, was like Play-Doh to me.

It was like, I was like, I did not find this pleasant to eat. And I have a good mouthfeel, which I know is not a word we use on this podcast all that much, but I just felt like it felt...
It was raw.

Yeah.

Thank you. It felt like a raw cookie.
Uncooked. It was really, really unpleasant.
I liked it. You liked it, Santa.

well he likes every cookie well that's fair and also

you i'm sure like getting a new type of cookie to you is you've tried every cookie there is that's what i'm saying i just want to feel something you know i just want to challenge right because not like eating cookie dough it was delicious interesting and that wonderful oreo flavor

i i love it that's that i'm with you santa i i actually didn't hate this one i liked it okay middle of the pack more for me but i thought it was okay but that pancake one the pancake pancake one was heaven phenomenal really yummy that was that was very it was it was is an indulgence hey i'll say this they all go in as cookies they all come out as brownies am i right

kill tody would love that one

you can form them into candy canes afterward oh god

roll them out roll them out forgot about the history of candy canes holiday birthday cake is a scrumptious cake batter cookie topped with smooth cake batter cream cheese frosting and festive sprinkles, red and green sprinkles.

So this was very much much like a celebration cookie.

Kind of like

an elevated version of like what the those, you know, those grocery store cookies you might get. Here's what Weiger says all the time: birthday is a flavor.
I do like the birthday flavor.

I'm a big birthday guy. This was a birthday cookie, but just with a little bit of

Christmas pinage. I thought this was working for me.

I thought it was delightful.

I have a question for both of you. People associate your birthday, Santa, with December 25th, but that's really Jesus's birthday.

Is that your birthday, too? I don't know when your birthday is. I don't think people really do that, but yeah, people don't associate.
People don't think the 25th is Santa's birthday.

What are you talking about? They think it's Christmas Day.

I reject your question. Well, people sometimes think that he's Jesus.
That happens a lot. People

aren't that. He's more famous than Jesus.
Yeah. Like the Beatles.
They sort of have a come to Jesus moment if they ever sort of witness me come down the chimney because they think I'm fake.

They think you're fake. They think I'm fake.
Yeah,

I've seen that, I've seen that documentary with uh, you and the MMs, yes, right, where the MMs faint upon seeing you, and they say he

voiced by J.K. Simmons of Word One.

Oh, wow, he went down on the MM with the boots. Oh my god, Santa, the hot green MM, yeah, yeah,

you ate, yeah,

I mean, look, so

can we can I ask you a question? Yeah, was it delicious?

Go on.

Sweetest thing I've ever tasted. Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

I can't.

I'm.

How dare you? How dare you?

It's an M ⁇ M. How dare you? Honesty can be true sometimes.
You remember that night at Trader Joe's?

At Trader Joe's?

We were in the frozen food section.

Okay. Not a particularly private area.
And we were near

the

samosas

and the little mini quiches.

I'm picturing my Trader Joe's, and this is just an open lane with a lot of foot traffic. There's no privacy.
And you said, why don't you hop up on top of those pizzas?

And I got up there and you said, you remember what you said? I remember what I said.

You want to make a correction right now?

Was there trans involved?

I said, 40 quid babies.

You picked up the dried mango.

I said,

I sat you up on that stack of frozen

spanicophidas, and I said, we're not going to need a microwave to heat these up.

You remember?

So,

hold on.

You remember what you said afterwards?

About my

cookie?

Yeah, I did. I said that was the sweetest thing I've ever tasted.
Okay, so do you want to issue a correction?

About? About what you said before about M ⁇ M's pussy?

It doesn't. I'm just

like, that's what I was going to say. It's like in his defense.

They could both be true because it could be sweetest and it could be surpassed by something sweeter like a world record, you know.

So which one came first?

Me

Santa! Santa, that's why we love you. See, this is a great segue into the next cookie, and an Eminem cookie.

We had an MM. This guy fucking blasted in his red trousers while he was eating out his wife in a fucking trader shows.

Shot a fat load in his own pants. He's going down in the green MM.

His pants shook like a bowl full of jelly.

So you, yeah, it sounds like you guys had sex on top of a bunch of frozen food, then ate the food as it heated up.

Okay. Yep.

We got banned from Ohio.

Oh, my God. Wow.
Yep.

Jared had to cover Ohio for a few years. Oh, my God.

Home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. That's true.
That's true. Yep.
That's true.

Well, look, the Eminem cookie. Yes.
Sorry, Mrs. Claus.

It's called the original, featuring Eminem. So I guess this was like the first cookie that Crumble had.
Crumble has like

a...

You know, Shake Shack is another chain that has this. A lot of chains do this.
They have like a regional one that's just maybe available, maybe in just as little as one individual store.

The one we picked it up from has the original featuring MMs. That is not currently a national cookie, but it is there.
Yeah. Yeah.

So

I thought

this one

was perfectly functional, but like compared to the rest, I'm like, what are we doing? You know,

it certainly does not have that little sort of special sauce that some of the other Crumble varietals did. Imagine being in a Shake Shack when an earthquake hits.

I mean, can you imagine that? I know. You're going to be looking up at the signs.
This is pretty spot on.

Should be Quake Shack, I guess.

I guess that's more. Yeah.

It's still

shaking. I'm getting shaked as shit.

Sandy didn't like that one too much, it seems like. You look over and Shaquille O'Neal's there, too.

He came next door from

the

big chicken next door.

She's going to pop in and shake.

Yeah.

Well, I know the

one

across the street from the Americana, which I know that you want a beautiful setup there when they do Christmas stuff. I love it.
Oh, we love it. We go to the Aritzia.
You and I. Oh, you guys.

She loves the Aritzia. I say we get one thing at Aritzia, but then I get to go look at the Teslas.
Oh, Santa. You're an Elon guy? No, I'm a Tesla guy.

We just take pictures of him posing on the Teslas. We don't buy one.
Okay, that's, I like that much. We don't need it, but yeah, well, yeah, we don't need it, but I want, I want one so bad.

I want one so bad, but he does do a jump like Elon. Show him your jump.

You don't have to show your jump.

I'll do it. Okay, show us, yeah, show us your jump.
Push that microphone out of the way. All right, Santa's standing up for audio listeners.

He's doing a jump right now.

I thought it was great. I thought that was really good.

Really good.

Thanks.

You got to like it. You pimped me there.
You pimped me. I did a little bit, but you know what? That was great.
It was worth it.

Santino's improv lingo.

Elon Musk, I hope he's on your naughty list.

But you know, I bet he's not on your nice list. The owner of the beautiful Americana property, Rick Caruso, ran for mayor.
Yeah, love him. Love him.
Also, The Grove as well, a couple of L.A.

landmarks.

Rick's a friend. Yeah.
Great guy.

We had dinner with Rick during the strike and everything like that. Oh, that's nice.

That's great. And Zazlov was there.

Yeah, she was like, this all makes sense. That's worse.

Any other thoughts on that Eminem cookie?

I thought it was bad. I was not enthusiastic about it.
I thought it was a pretty boring cookie. Yeah.
Yeah. It was a pretty boring one.
It was pretty bad.

It's fair.

Speaking of the bad ones, this was another seasonal one. This is another one that was part of

the holiday cookie lineup, the Strawberry crinkle. Terrible.

Strawberry crinkle. This is a real low light for me.
So this is, I'll read the description. A warm, cakey strawberry cookie rolled in crunchy sugar crystals and sprinkled with fluffy powdered sugar.

I think we were all anticipating something a little bit more like maybe like a strawberry shortcake or just with a more real strawberry flavor.

Instead, Mitch, you were saying this tasted like strawberry cereal.

I didn't actually, I think Amelia maybe said that. That was an Amelia's thought.

I said cereal. Oh, yeah, Mrs.
Claus, you were saying that it was

cereal. It tasted like fruity pebbles.
Yes, fruity pebbles, right, right, right. Mixed with shit.
Yeah. It's not good.
It was so dense.

It was, why are they making these like out of like, they're not cooking these cookies, some of them.

Yabba Dabba doo doo. That's what I would say.
Also, yeah, you're right. Not really cooked.
Also, kind of like a Play-Dohy texture. Yeah.

I forgot to try this one.

You didn't miss much. You think if I went on stage at Kill Tony and I said, Yaba Dabba doo-doo, that Kill Tony would love it? Yeah.
She would love it. You think so? I would love it.

Well, it just depends on your delivery.

Wags, before 2025 ends, can you and I go down to Austin and try to get on Kill Tony? No. Come on.

Please. Come on.
We'll think about it. Okay, all right.
We'll think about it. We'll think about it.
Yeah, this was just very basic for a cookie. It was fine.

It was very much. I don't know.
I don't even think this was fine. I agree with with Mrs.
Claus. I think this was bad.

I thought I'm like, I'm like, these things are so dense and so caloric and so sugary. Like I'm jittery afterwards.
Like I had a cup of coffee.

That if I'm going to, if I'm going to expend those calories on something, I want it to taste as good as the caramel coffee, toffee buttercake.

And that's part of the issue with Crumble is you're kind of rolling the dice here, right? You're going to get some that really hit and some that are kind of like, ugh, this sucks.

But this is the other thing.

Like with Salt and Straw, our neighbors here at Headgum, it's part of their social media strategy is they have cookies that that are some that are kind of like weird or bad because that drives more social media engagement.

So it's it's kind of like the shitty thing about being alive right now. You know, they should do for the holidays a coal cookie.
Coal cookie is a good idea. Really bad.
People would try it.

That's the thing that you're gonna do. It turns your mouth black.

Yeah, that's people would love that. They love that kind of stuff.
They do. Yeah.
I think it would be, I think it would be big. You could put squid ink in it.
There we go. That's fun.

I think that's a good idea. Squid ink cookie.

Well, no, it would sort of it would, without putting actual coal in it, it would make the. You guys don't.

He's shutting down all my ideas. Did you see that?

There was like an edible dish.

Nope, just

clarifying.

Coal cookie. A coal cookie.
A coal cookie. Yeah.

Coal and

sticks. What's the other thing I put in?

What? Oh, coal and rocks. Oh, rocks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You tried sticks for a while. I did try sticks for a while.

It was too poor. It was a little lighter to carry than rocks, you know what I mean? Because the sleighs

can only handle so much, right? I did try sticks for a while, but it didn't have the same effect. Well, this is the part of the issue:

you get sticks, and let's say you're Lars Ulrich, drummer for Metallica. You're like, oh, hell yeah.
And you start playing your Zildjian symbols, you know? Yeah, that's fine.

You think it's a gift, you don't realize you're even on the naughty list. You're like, I got my favorite thing, drumsticks.
Yeah, and Lars is on the naughty list for what he did to Napster forever.

Yeah.

What he did to file sharing. Yeah, file sharing.
He spoke out against against file sharing, which, as we know, saved the music industry.

Oh, mama, I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law.

Sticks.

Very good.

I did the drum part. Damon is coming down from the gallows and dumb every

dungeon.

Oh, mama, I can keep moving right

and all alone.

Famine is coming down from the gallows, and I don't care very

long.

The renegade who had a maiden finally found him

made

man. Did you say the renegade who had it made was Syphil and Ollie?

I said the rainy days, they they have the amazing day. Oh, I was kind of mumbling because I didn't really know what the marriage was.

I thought that was pretty good of all of us, Wags.

Really good.

I was trying to place the song. You don't know that song? I'm sure I've heard.
We gave you a lot of bars. I'm sure I've heard.
We gave you the total beginning. Yeah, that's renegade by the band Styx.

Oh, that's cool. So, Styx, for example, will be like, hey, this is like us.

Yeah, we did, you know, we have smells

sticks. Yeah.
but we also have drumsticks that we use. Coal also used for fuel.
You know, I mean, whatever.

And coal also, you know, the wellness community got into putting coal into their water and all that stuff. It's true.
Yeah. It's true.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know, we like coal.

An orange cookie and a coal cookie, I think, would be fun. The two things in the bottom of a stocking.
That could be fun. But look, Santa, Mrs.
Claus, that's up to you guys to talk to Crumble about.

We have more cookies to do. That's right.
We have the honey bun. The honey bun is a deliciously swirled, rich cinnamon cookie smothered in a honey butter glaze.
I mean, this is honey fun.

I thought this was honey fun. It was, it is just like a honey bun, but in the cookie form factor.
But I don't know. I thought this got the job done.
I like this cinnamon character.

It looks kind of like a beef. It just looked like one.
Yeah, it just looked like a cinnamon roll. Oh, yeah.
You know what's interesting? Honey buns normally are very soft. That's true.

And now this is a crunchy version of it. And you're, I don't know if that's a good...

I don't know if that's the twist that makes it an enjoyable cookie, or did I want it to be soft because it was a honey bun? That's a great question. Yeah, maybe a little bit of a downgrade, honestly.

Yeah, I think so. We were growing.
But I think it was a good idea.

It had a good taste to it. Yeah.
Okay, there were two evergreen flavors that they pretty much always have. We previously reviewed these on our 420 episode, the milk chocolate chip and the lemon bar.

I don't love their lemon bar.

I think their milk chocolate chip is perfectly functional, but not like, it's like there's so many better chocolate chip cookies you could use, including like, I think just buy the fucking pre-made dough from

in the frozen section and make it in your oven. Way better.
Yeah. This one, again, it was raw.
Yeah.

I agree with both both of those ticks here. I like the lemon bar more than I thought I would, but you know, I think I wins the cookie besides the pancake one, which is the number one.

Ho, ho, ho, ho. I think Fallon

Fallon's was fun. I the

just to paint a picture for our audience, the lemon bar is a circular cookie, it's not like a lemon bar.

Like, the brownie is a brownie, but the lemon bar is like called a lemon bar, but it's a lemon bar cookie. It's a lemon bar cookie.

Yeah, also, we should point out Jemmy Claws, your guy's dog, Jemmy Claws, right?

Yeah, this right here. Yeah.
Yeah.

Just think of who, if you guys split up, Jemmy's going to have to switch. He's going to get custody of Jemmy Claws.
The plan is that I will. Oh.
Oh, wow. Okay.
Oh, that's awesome. Isn't that right?

We didn't have to. Maybe that plan wasn't run by me, but we can talk about that after.
We don't have a prenup, so. Oh, wow.
I already have my lawyer. He's the same guy that did Fire Festival.
Oh,

that's not. That sounds bad.

Sanda, what if she gets half your toys every year? Well, we didn't sign a prenup, so it's not a problem for me. What are you talking about? No, see, you're supposed to sign a prenup.

See, that's a bad thing. That's part of the issue.
That's a bad thing. Oh, damn.

He tried to get me to sign one early on. I told him not.

Wow.

Absolutely not. I said, do you love me?

Then you won't make me do this. This is why you guys should stick together with me.

Do you remember the night at the Pelos?

Shoe store?

Remember? Yeah. In the sandals aisle.
In the sandals? Size 11.

You remember? Yeah. I said, you're going to need a bigger size than that.
Jesus.

Remember, we went to the size 12s?

And I grabbed a pair of those crocs.

You remember? I remember. And then there was those boots nearby.

They put one of them in your ass.

You guys need to stop.

I think you need to stop going to public places and doing stuff like this. Yeah.

Pretty indiscreet. Yeah.

I mean, like, you can have your kink or whatever, but, you know, it has to be done with enthusiastic consent.

If there's a lot of people who are going to put a size 12 croc in your ass and then come back and tell me how to do it. You know how much we do for the world? You know how much good we do for you.

It's true. No, you were in favor.
If we want to go to a payless or a Best Buy and get our dick sucked,

let us. All right, that's fair.

Let us. Let us.

Do you have an AMC up in the North Pole? Because there's one in Burbank.

Yeah, you must have an AMC.

Do you have an AMC? It's a Regent. Oh, no.
Yeah.

Does it play? Do you guys get like, does it have the regular movies that are playing or is it like all Christmas movies all the time?

You got to have your first turn movies, I think.

Mixed with it. Quentin Tarantino owns it.
Oh, that's fun. It's just a kind of curated.
It's kind of curated. So he has a lot of his 35 millimeter

collection in there. It is a lot of Christmas movies, but it'll be like, it's a wonderful life in 35 millimeter.

And, you know, a lot of people think he's like an asshole or whatever. He's kind of a creep, but he's just so awesome.
He's a great guy. I agree on this one.
He's a great guy.

To be fair, I do agree with this. I like him.
Yeah.

I even, one could say I heard him fart once.

Oh, tell us about that.

One could say.

Maybe in the Vista bathroom, I heard Quentin Tarantino fart once. Well, that's a place where it's okay to...
to fucking fart. It's okay to fucking fart.

It's fine to fart in the world. Was this at a urinal or was this like into an echoey toilet?

He went to the stall and maybe he farted in the the store so he might have been also taking a shit which is even like that's totally fine

he smelled quentin tarantino's shit think about it

and the the shit of an auteur i love quentin tarantino what did it smell like

cinema you make it into a candy cane after i did not make it into there was no i should never have told it smell like did it did it smell like feet it did not smell like feet santa

that kink is fine i say

imagine when you get when you get that famous famous, anytime you have to shit anywhere, there are people thinking, oh my God, I'm hearing Quentin Tarantino. There'll be a story that will be told.

Like anytime, yeah, yeah, you're taking a big shit in a public. It's funny.
I think there's Doughboys, thousands of Dough Boys listeners who have that experience. Yeah.

And we don't even have that many fans, but there's thousands of Doughboys listeners who know this. It's interesting.
Imagine being like Paul McCartney, right? Yeah. Yeah.

And you're, and you, you, you see hundreds of people take a shit every day. But when somebody sees you take a shit, it's like the best day of their life.
Right. That's true.

That is true. You know what I mean? Well, Santa, you give your gift of shit when you go to houses, too.
Yeah, that's true. That's true.

It is a gift.

Santa.

One that I can give up endlessly and never tire of. Santa, here's my one.
This is my one ask for you this year.

Take one in my house and don't flush it.

Can you make a candy cane?

I think when you get home tonight,

you're going to see that Christmas came a little early this year.

Wow.

Wow. What a tree, Wikes.

Will you leave one for Wally and Irma too in their litter box?

It's already done.

Do we have any more? Do we have any more?

That's the full rundown of cookies, so we should get to our fork score for

it.

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Mrs. Claus, Santa Claus, here's how this will work.
We will each go around and give our closing argument on Crumble and then give it a score from zero to five forks. Wow.
Santa seated to my room.

Should we do something a little more Christmassy instead of forks?

Yeah, how about five Christmas forks? That's perfect.

I love that. Santa, seated to my right, you are, I'd say, the main authority, one of the main authorities on cookies.
One of.

Your thoughts on Crumble, your Christmas Forks.

Let's break it down. You, cookie monster.

Mrs. Fields.
Mrs. Fields.
Yeah. Yep.

Famous Amos.

The robber from the Cookie Crisp box. That's right.
The mascot. You guys are definitely the Mount Rushmore there, the five of you.
Oh, the Keebler Elves. Keebler Elves.

Oh, the Keeber Elves are pretty big. Yeah.

Betty Crocker, maybe? Betty Crocker. Yeah, she could cookie cookies.
She does everything. She's not just cookies.

Famous Amos, right? Famous Amos, yeah. He passed away recently, aren't you? Paul Hollywood.
Paul Hollywood.

Prue.

Berry Berry. Cookies.
Oh, yeah, like a computer cookie. Yeah, computer cookies.
Thank you.

Who doesn't love a cookie? Who doesn't love a cookie? Who doesn't love a cookie?

We came here today to the Headgum Studios in Silver Lake, California. That's right, Sarah.

And there was a beautiful spread in front of us, and we got to try all these delicious cookies. We sure did.
Some of them good, some of them not so good.

The friendships in that room were the most important thing to me. I agree with that.

That's a lot of love. I love a sweet treat, and I'm happy to have some cookies early.

Listen, was it perfect?

Ho, no,

ho, ho, instead of no. Ho, no, ho.
Ho, no, ho.

Can I just say four Christmas forks? Four Christmas forks. Four Christmas forks.
Wow, it's quite a sound. Outrageous.
Outrageous.

Mrs. Claude bad, Mrs.
Claude.

Outrageous. That's too high.
Way too high. Wow.

In my opinion. Where would you land? I'm going to give it a

2.8.

Wow. 2.8 Christmas forks.

We can confidently say there's never been a 2.8 Christmas fork rating. It's true.
Yes, that is a first for the Doughboys podcast. I just think that

half, if not more, were raw.

Yeah.

Uncooked. That's true.
Raw dough that were way too sweet.

There was about two.

The

pancake. The pancake and Jimmy Fallon.
Okay. And the birthday one we liked a a lot.
The birthday one was fine. It was good.
But they're all too sweet. Way too sweet.
Yeah. And too rich.

So I could have a bite of the one. The

pancake one is really the only one I would have again.

The rest of them, I feel sick thinking about what we ate. I also do feel sick thinking about the cookies.
I feel stuffed and sick right now. I'm like a stocking.
I'm stuffed.

Stop it.

Yeah, but unlike a stocking, you're not hung, pal.

Wives, you are the mouth. No, you're not.
You really are my type.

I love him.

Mrs. Claus, you get a lot of, get a lot of DMs from Doughboys fans.

Send him my my way, boys.

No, no, no, is what I say to that. That was not fun for me.

Look, I love saying I love Mrs. Claus.

I love

the Doughboys staff all gathered in the kitchen. Wow.
I didn't realize that the social part of this was part of the rating.

It's a part. It is a part of it.
A part of the experience. Don't worry.
This doesn't count for anything.

Well, I was in,

I was, because

we should say this: that this is the night before Christmas. Yes, this is the night before Christmas.
And all through the house. Yes.
Not a creature was stirring. Not even a mouse.

And I and my kerchief. When along came a spider

and sat down beside her.

And

time's up.

Mama in her kerchief. you were already wearing a kerchief, and I am, I had my cap on, right? And we had just settled down for a post-long record nap.

Groin nap, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When out on the table, there arose such a cookie.

I said, Will this be good or will it be ookie?

It sucks.

It's really good. Kill Tony would love this.

All I have to say is

tasty cookies to all and to all a good bite. Wow.
Four Christmas forks. What? Four Christmas storks.

Way too high. Santa, you need a more positive lady in your life.
Excuse me. I'm very positive.
You didn't know me

pre-finding out about his cheating. You were very positive.

I was the light of everyone's life. I was like

Mary Berry. Oh, my God.
Mary Berry?

Marion Berry? Who are you talking about?

Mary Berry from

the original second host. I think this separation is a trial no longer.

Wow. What?

Yes. We are officially separated.

Oh, my God.

Over a cookie score?

No, just over the whole

everything. This whole experience.
This whole afternoon. Okay, fair.

By the way, the sweater, which I'm enjoying, but is such a piece of shit that two of these ornaments have fallen off already.

So there you go. Thanks a lot, Amelia.

She went out and got us these sweaters.

What about she made them? And tipsy elves as well. Tipsy elves.
I would not expect. Well, don't shout out.
Do not expect durability from

Sark Tank. We didn't get these for free.
Yes.

Yeah, we didn't get them for free, except for maybe you might return yours if you didn't notice that his tags are taped to the back of him.

I'm keeping my tipsy elves sweater. I like mine.
Not a single bell is falling off. Wow.
Wow. Here's the thing.

This is just an inconsistent experience. Not I've noticed.
This is just an inconsistent experience. And I think this has always been the case when I've gotten crumble.

It's like, whatever, maybe that's part of the fun of it. Hey, there's some, hey, I like this one.
Oh, I didn't like that one. Maybe, I mean, obviously that's what they're going for for some degree.

But for me, I'm like, I pick my spots when I eat desserts. It's not a thing I indulge in regularly.
And so I have a pretty high standard for what it should be.

I feel like that this was met, that standard was met by about three of these

nine different cookies we had. So, you know, one-third, which, hey, that gets you to the Major League Hall of Fame, but we're not talking the great sport of baseball, America's pastime.

We're talking cookies here. So

I feel like I just need more of these to be consistent, to be at that level of quality of some of the bangers.

And also, I just think conceptually, the fact that you have to commit to like a box of six or a box of 12, that this isn't a place where you're like, oh, I'm going to get one individual cookie and eat it in my car or whatever.

That's just not what this experience is. It's more of sort of like, this is for parties or whatever, means that you're just going to have a sort of hit and mission.
I do feel like shit is here.

And we all feel like shit.

I feel insane. I feel bad.
My stomach hurts. And I just, I feel dizzy from all the shit.
And it's like, what are you going to do with like the

rest of the 25 other donuts that are, I mean, donuts. Yeah, the rest of of the, yeah, well, they're effectively donuts.
Those pastries are going in the garbage.

So I, I, I, I give them to someone in need.

Yeah. Give them to someone in need.

The garbage might need them.

I think that

I don't think I can go above two and a half forks. Yeah.
Christmas forks for Cumble. I think that's about where I end up.
Oh, man. I really loved that pancake cookie.
I think this is the thing.

I think the highs were very high, but I think you have to review the whole experience. And I'm just like, what are we doing with that original cookie with the M ⁇ Ms?

You're making me want to lower mine again even further.

Santa and I are on the same page. Mrs.
Claus and Wag's on the same page. Every point you lower yours, I'm hiring mine.
Wow. Oh my God.
Mr. Claus, by the way, what were you going to say?

I was going to say,

what are you up to tonight?

Actually, check your DMs. I just sent you a message.

It's below a bunch of story reactions from me saying, looking good. That's funny and stuff like that.

Nick, what are you up to tonight?

I, you know, I'm just chilling. I was probably gonna watch some basketball.
You know, we got NBA Cup action returning. I'm very excited to see what emerates NBA Cup.
Yeah.

Cool.

You need anyone to do that with? Oh, yeah, we can hang out, and maybe I could suck your cock afterwards. Cool.
All right. Great.
All right. My plans are made.
Great. All right.

Here, it's time for a segment. It's our version of the defunct one-gotta-go meme.
It's a single item must be banished. A single item must be banished.

Santa Claus also has one of your bulbs from.

third one. So that's the third one that fell off so far and me wearing this for about 90 minutes.
This is a jingle item must be banished. One got a ho-ho-ho Christmas edition.
Ho-ho-ho.

One gotta go-ho-ho. Okay.
Christmas edition. Here we go.
All right, first up, cookies.

We've got a four-way here on our monitor for audio listeners. We've got sugar cookies, gingerbread cookies, Snickerdoodle, and shortbread cookies.
Run, run as fast as you can out of this picture.

The gingerbread cookies got a a go-ho-ho.

It's either gingerbread or shortbread for me. I think I'd probably get rid of gingerbread.
I don't know. Gingerbread or I don't like Snickerdoodle that much.
Oh, boy. I love it.

What are those last ones? Shortbread. Oh, get rid of that.

I think I'm with Sand. I think I'd get rid of shortbread.
I'm going to get rid of Snickerdoodle. Emma, you like the shortbread? Shortbread's one of my favorites.
Wow. What do you get rid of here?

I might get rid of the gingerbread. Even though I like it, it's my least favorite of all of these.
Yeah.

Amelia, you got a pick? I get rid of Snickerdoodle. Wow.
I'm surprised anyone's anti-Snickerdoodle. I think those are heaven.
Next up, beverages. Milk, hot cocoa, eggnog, and mulled cider.

Boy, this is tricky. I think I might go with just milk here, even though it's great with cookies.
It's not seasonal. Santa, I'm sorry.
Milk's got to go.

I'm getting rid of cider. I know it seems crazy.
What the fuck? I love Nog.

Milk with the sweet is heaven. Yeah.
And hot cocoa can't go wrong. Hot cocoa is great.
You're getting rid of cider. I can see it.
I can see the cider. I'm like, I'll have tea.
Yeah. Wow.

I don't need enough fucking cider.

Damn. All right.

Dana, what do you think? I seem like I killed someone.

I'm just, I'm shocked by the cider thing. Cider to me,

I get it. You don't like the cider.
Cider hot toddy.

I get that.

Hot toddy is very good. Hot toddy is fun.

Hot cocoa, not go-go. Oh my god, Santa.
I'm shocked. Hannah getting rid of cocoa.

Why, Santa? Why?

When have you ever had a good hot chocolate? Wow. What?

Probably about every Christmas season. Yeah.

They're never good. They're too hot.
Have you ever had a Mexican hot chocolate? Oh, those are fun. Heaven.

Yeah, I've had a Mexican hot chocolate.

He said he's been all around the world.

Sorry, I know that we're, I know that that we're hanging out later and he's sucking his cock later, but I got to sign. Watching basketball first.
We're watching basketball. Okay, come on.
Sorry.

Where do you want to go? You want to go to

a Ralph's or something?

Emma Amelia, beverages. What do you think?

I guess I get rid of milk because it's the most boring.

Yeah, that's kind of my argument. Same.
Yeah. All right, next up, Christmas treats.
Fruitcake, figgy pudding, candy canes, and apple pie.

Nothing here is particularly exciting to me. I guess I'd probably get rid of figgy pudding because it's what it's least familiar to me.
This is going to get pissed you off.

I know that because you minored and candy canes, but I think I'd get rid of the candy canes. Wow.
A plain candy cane, and then all these other things are like bready desserty things. Come on.

I feel like candy cane is so iconically Christmas, but fair. I've never tried the thing that has the gummy worms in it.

So

you ever tried a gummy gummy worm loaf?

It's delicious.

I refuse to choose. Wow.
Wow, Santa. Santa will not make a Sophie's choice.
Emma Amelia, what do you think?

I don't really care strongly about any of these, so you can get rid of any of them. Fruitcake, gotta go.
Next up, Christmas Carol.

Silent Night, Joy to the World, Deck the Halls, and Hark the Herald Angels sing.

Can you say them again? Silent Night, Joy to the World, Deck the Halls, Hark the Herald Angels sing.

Silent Night, depressing. I agree, Santa.
Yeah. Oh, I think Silent Night is so beautiful.
What's the next one? Silent Night, then. Joy to the World.
Deck the halls. Hark the Herald Angels sing.

Hark the Herald Angels sing. That's pretty beautiful.
Glory to the newborn king.

That's beautiful. Joy to the world, I don't know.
You know, Joy to the World could maybe go. Yeah, Joy to the World would be in the world.
I think Silent Night would buy. I like Silent Night.

It is sad.

But that's what's beautiful about it. It reminds me of like baby Jesus.

And then I just think about Santa.

Oh,

you're guys. Like, that's such a bad thing.
I'm Amelia, you got a Christmas carol you want to get expunge?

I guess I'll get rid of Hark the Herald Angels thing because I've got like weird Christmas memories attached to all the others. Wow.
Oh, yeah. That's fair.
I would get rid of probably

maybe Silent Night. Yeah.

Wow. I'm surprised by the anti-Silent Knight.
I like Silent Knight. Consensus.
Next up, Reindeer, Dasher, Comet, Blitzen, and Rudolph. Do not make me do this.

This is so fucked up. I'm going to get rid of Rudolph because he's a fucking freak.
Whoa.

He's different, and I don't like him.

The options are, can you say the options against the cat? Dasher, Comet, Blitz. Why I had him lead my sleigh.

Dasher, Comet, Blitzen, and Rudolph. Yes.

Dasher on Dasher. He's the first one.
Yes, first one. Comet.
Blitzen and Rudolph. Blitzen's got to fucking go.
Wow. I like that.
Red Blow nose. I'm getting rid of all of them.
We're gonna eat them.

Oh, Jesus. Taco style.

Okay, next up, this one might be more difficult. I'm confirmationalist.
Oh, my God. Wow.
Santa's cruising. Is that me? Mrs.
Claus

and Elf,

Jack Frost, and Callum Driff. Easy one for me.
Yeah.

Mrs. Claus, I got to say, the likeness is incredible.
Yeah. They are the same size.
He is a spitting image. Oh, Mrs.
Claus. I don't think you've ever looked better than that little model.

That little model toy they made of you.

You see on the right, that elf? Now imagine Santa jacking off in front of him.

He has that same expression. He's still got a smile on his face, doesn't he? This is Frosty before

the hit.

He does not look this. He does not look.
No, that's old Frosty. That's classic Frosty.
Is Frosty's version of Ozempic just like the sun?

That's a great question, Emma. No, he is.
He's injecting Ozempic. It's global warming.

I think, look, here's the thing. I think Callum Drift is the recent addition to the crew.
Callum Drift Offo technically is an elf, to be clear. Technically is an elf.

I think I'd get rid of Callum Drift. Yeah, get rid of him.

All right, next up.

Oh, he already. It was.
Yeah, that's. I mean,

you know, I can get rid of the one that's already gone, you know? Important tasks. Callum Drift is gone for me.
Double-checking the naughty and nice list. Okay.
Making your list, checking it twice.

Reading letters from children. Okay.
Spending time with Mrs. Claus.

I don't know where this is. Another easy one.
Motivate

motivating the elves.

Look at him grabbing the elves' hand to put it on his dick.

You see that?

Honestly, it does look exactly like that. It does look exactly.

I know exactly what that is.

Do you feel that?

No, one of the biggest things for me every year is motivating the elves.

It's true.

Yes, whoever made this list, Amelia. Motivating the elves.
I had no idea that this is where the conversation was going to go. Motivating the elves is one of the things that you asked if we would miss.

Yeah, I think maybe motivating the elves is a little bit more. I'm going to go with that one, too.
I don't think we have to motivate the elves. Sounds like that's Santa's favorite.

Oh, no, I love that one. I'm keeping that one.
I think he does have to motivate the elves. That's what I always think of as Santa's duty.
So I'll say. Hold on a second.
The first one is making a list.

Yeah. The second one is checking it twice.
The second one is reading letters from children. Okay, reading letters from children, which we know you want to keep.
So you got to do that.

The third one is what? Spending time with Mrs. Claus and then motivating the elves.
Okay, motivating the elves. Yeah, you know, honestly, maybe motivating the elves.
Just the one

that seems less essential. I'm really like, what do you think?

I was just trying to think of things that Santa might have to do. Motivating.
Come on, guys. Are we psyched? One more.

Let's make toys. Let's make toys.

Finally, Santa's catchphrases.

Santa, actually, do you want to read these off for me? I'd love to.

First one is: ho, ho, ho. Oh, yeah.

Good classic. You better watch out.
You better not cry. Yeah.
Yeah, that's good. I don't think I say that, but.

Okay, here's a good one.

He says that to the elves.

You've been very good this year. Oh, classic Santa Claus says.

And Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

That one's really good.

I'm going to say that the one to maybe get rid of is you've been very good this year

because that feels made up, like it's not a thing to actually say.

You've been very good this year. I mean, I've said it.

I mean, I'm sure you had it. I'm sure you'd say it.

It's not like I've never said it before. You can't say it without sounding like a pervert.
Try.

You've been very good this year.

That sounds normal to me. You've been very good this year.
Is something I have you been a good boy this year, maybe, is what I've heard more so. Right.

But I've never heard you've been very good this year. It's got to go for me-wise.
Yeah, I think that one's a good deal. All right.
Hey, just like that was

Jingle Item Must Be Banished. One Gotta Go Ho Ho Christmas Edition.
Next up is our feedback, just like a restaurant buyer feedback. Let's open the feedback.
And we have a voicemail today.

Let's take a listen.

He's wired into the end now, folks. He's ready for this to end.
We're coming in for a landing. We're coming in for a landing, Santa.
Hey, Doughboys and Doe Fam and Jemmy.

This is Smax from the Dough Scord. Wow.

I was curious, has there ever been a Christmas where you have given a gift and you just saw

the person who received the gift just really did not enjoy the gift that you got them.

I'm sure you guys are all amazing gift givers, but you know, sometimes, you know, things happen. So let me know if there's ever been an incident like that.
Thanks. Love you guys.
Bye.

Wow. Max for the dose scored.
Thanks so much for the question. I guess

it's, have you ever given a gift and disappointed somebody by doing so?

Anything of a specific circumstance? I bought my mom an iPhone last year and she immediately, you could tell that she wasn't happy. And she was like, How much did you spend on this?

You know, she was upset about that. That I bought her an iPhone, and then I had to return it.
She didn't want me to, she didn't, she didn't, she didn't want to keep the iPhone. Wow.

And I remember

I can't remember. My mom would always lie, but now that I'm an adult, she was like, what are you doing? So I do remember that.
Yeah.

It's a real one. Sorry.
I went with the real. No, no, no.
It's, I mean, that's, that's what the question was looking for. I gave Santa a Christmas fedora.

We could look for you. So he'd wear that instead of his hat? Yeah.
Yeah. I think the hat is dated.
I think it makes him look older. Okay.

And he didn't.

He looked at it and he pushed it on the ground. Oh, my God.

I feel like my head's a little too big for a fedora.

And I had this one especially made. The elves measured you while you were sleeping.
Oh,

I had mentioned that I wanted a

movie While You Were Sleeping? Is that what that movie is about? Yeah.

Oh, wow. While You Were Sleeping is a Christmas movie.
Oh,

no idea.

Well, I've given a lot of gifts.

But I'd say the most disappointed I've ever seen in a gift I've given is

when I gave Weiger this tipsy elf sweater.

Ah, look.

i i the thought was there but i just think it's not particularly well made it's look another one fell off well it seems like you're pulling them off yeah what am i supposed to do not pull at yeah duck it hurts when i do this well stop doing that

all right you got me there

yeah you're you yeah the answer is you're not supposed to pull at them no i'm not really pulling at them they're just kind of falling off That one was like hanging by a thread.

It just kind of came off there. Well, they're all hanging by a thread.
No, but I mean, like, that.

You know what I mean. Like, it was not strong, not well attempted.
I feel like those are hot glued on, if we're being honest. Yeah, I think this is all, this is a pretty half-assed explanation.

Cindy, you reminded me, I gave Weiger a Lakers jacket and he never wore it and he seemed to be sad about it. My God.
No, I like that Lakers jacket. It's a great jacket.
It was a nice gift.

It was a lovely gift. I know another time that I gave you a gift.

For your 40th birthday, I brought a bunch of friends down to your apartment. We all did a during COVID and we all did a little

drive-by of your place and you were not happy at all.

Well, first off, it wasn't on my birthday, it was the day after your birthday. It was the day after my birthday.
So I was like, what is happening? Secondly,

you know, I'm not a birthday guy. Yeah, I don't want to put this together.

What the hell is happening? This is my birthday yesterday. But the other thing is, like, then you were like, I'm bringing you documents to sign.
So I was like, okay, great.

I've got some business stuff to do. And then I just want you to.
And so I was just like, where are the documents?

I still have you sign the documents. Yeah, but it was just kind of like, you know how this ended? Yeah.
Him yelling at me on the podcast saying, That was for you, you did that for you.

Yes,

I got all of our friends down to Wygra's house for me,

guys. Guys, we don't want to hear you just fight the whole podcast.
You're right, you know what? We don't need to be doing that.

We've already seen I don't know what's going on with you two, but whatever it is, you need to fix it. Work it out, you need to squash it, work it out.

You're right, we don't like to see you guys fight all.

What are you talking about? Well, we haven't been fighting at all. Oh, uh,

what

This has been awkward sitting here watching you two duke it out the entire podcast. Watching the tension between you two.

It's us that's been the moment. I've been uncomfortable this time.
I have felt violated just

by the energy in here. We came all the way here from the North Pole to do this.
25 hours southwest. And it's Christmas Eve.
Wait, you didn't take the sleigh? You flew southwest on the North Pole?

Yeah. And it's Christmas Eve.
Who the hell?

Who the hell is taking care of all the...

Jared?

Jared's doing Christmas this year. Jesus Christ.

His one get out of jail free card, I guess, for the year.

Remember that night at Subway? Oh.

If you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants, you can email us at feedback at birdfuck.com for the old voice mail. 830 god.
That's 830 tonight.

Or 636844. To get the Doughboys Double Our Weekly bonus of

Our entire pre-2018 back catalog. Subscribe at patreon.com/slash.
You called it nachos, you freak. Our producers Emma Erdbrink.
Associate producers Amelia Marino. Our engineer is Casey Donahue.

Obviously, I feel like a nacho is Mike Dorfman. Our guest.
Yeah, you did. I snapped you like a tortilla chip, did I?

Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus.
I feel like maybe the, you know, hope it feels like you're going to patch things up. It feels like we're maybe leaving here together.
Maybe you're right.

Maybe we should ring the bell together like old time's sake.

I'd really like that.

Wow, that's beautiful.

That's enough.

I feel like an angel is getting its wings. Santa, Mrs.
Claus, anything you'd like to plug? Christmas is obviously happening. Keep an eye out for Christmas this year.
It's on the 25th.

Every time a bell rings, a susser eats some wings.

You were plugging Christmas?

Keep an eye out. It's on the 25th again this year.
Yeah. Yeah, and I guess I'll plug Christmas Eve.
Oh,

yeah, that's right.

Oh, a great question. What do you like better, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? I think Christmas Eve.
I think I might go Christmas Eve too, Ags.

I'm a Christmas Day guy, but hey, you can't have one without the other. It's true.

They say what people feel the biggest psychological effects of a vacation is an anticipation of it happening.

So I think maybe it might be the sort of thing of like waiting for Christmas is perhaps even better than Christmas itself. But I do have to say Christmas Day because they're like, yes.

By the way, Mrs. Claus, you look pretty stylish in your converse sneakers.
Those are great. They're seasonally green.

They are seasonally green. Yeah.

I've got my boots on.

Thank you, Santa. Thank you, Mrs.
Clauset. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you for having me.
And thank you for all you do for the people of Earth. Thank you for spreading Christmas cheer.

Thank you. Earth, thanks you.
Earth, yeah, thanks. You're welcome.
You know, times might feel tough right now, and we might all sort of feel lost and going, what is the future going to be like? Yeah.

None of that matters. Yeah.
Wow. That's fair.
Your pocketbooks may be a little strained, your

rights a little bit violated. Yeah.

But this Christmas, cuddle up with the one you love

and let them eat you out

in a Ralph's parking lot.

Speaking of which,

I'm driving by a Ralph's and a El Pollo loco on the way home. Do you guys want to get dropped off? I'd love to get dropped off.
Yeah, thank you. Of course.

Well, you're going to get ready to that El Pollo loco.

Yeah,

I'll drop you off. Okay, great.
Wise, all we can say now is

Merry Christmas to all. And to all, a goodbye.

Ho, ho, ho. Do, do, do.
Do, do, do.

Hi, I'm Nicole Bayer. Hi, I'm Sashir Zemeda.
And this is the podcast: Best Friends.

And we're here at HeadGov. So, this is just a podcast where we just talk.
Yeah. We're best friends.
Yeah. We talk and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries.

So audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes.
We are professional friends. We are professional friends.

Subscribe to best friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday.
That's the middle of a work week.

I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You were.
I'm really solved the support. I was so okay.
I was trying to be supportive. Yeah.

But I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot.
I think you did good. Thank you so much.
You're welcome.

That was a head gun podcast.