Sizzler 2 with Nicole Byer

This is a Head Gum Podcast.

Want to watch this episode? Check it out on our YouTube channel by going to youtube.com/slash Doughboys Media.

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I am not a great man, but sometimes I think the impersonal and objective quality of my talent and the sacrifices of it in pieces to preserve its essential value has some sort of epic grandeur.

This is from a 1939 letter sent to his daughter by the writer F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Best known as the author of The Great Gatsby, Fitzgerald was a miserable alcoholic who alternated stuporous binge drinking with white-knuckling self-imposed sobriety with disastrous results.

In 1940, Fitzgerald collapsed in the company of his live-in mistress, Sheila Graham, who summoned the owner of their apartment building to assist.

The building manager failed in his attempt to resuscitate F. Scott and declared, I'm afraid he's dead.

Fitzgerald was just 44 years old, felled by a heart attack almost certainly induced by decades of heavy drinking.

And the landlord who proclaimed the great American novelist's death was Harry Culver, founder of his eponymous town of Culver City.

Located on the west side of of Los Angeles and fully encircled by the borders of its big brother city, the so-called heart of screen land, due to its historic studio lots, was cleaved into independence in 1917.

But Culver the Man had an agenda of overt racism, separating from L.A. proper out of self-segregation.

Culver City became a sundown town where property was only sold to Caucasians and was advertised with the slogan, quote, see this model little white city.

It was Culver's text that was the subtext of many American suburbs in the mid-20th century.

and the suburban Culver City was the territory chosen for a new steakhouse concept in nineteen fifty eight after both Fitzgerald and Culver had passed.

The eatery grew across the American West powered by the value of its signature salad bar, representing a shift in American indulgence from the orgiastic era of the Roaring Twenties that informed Fitzgerald's hedonistic, self destructive life, to the post war capitalist caloric excess of all you can eat buffets.

Today, Culver City is a pluralistic community that would have infuriated its namesake.

And the Culver-founded stakery, while having contracted from its late 20th century dominance, still exists as a sit-down chain that itself services a diverse working-class demographic.

As for its name, it's birthed from a useful cliché that, while less poetic than Fitzgerald's style, gets its point across plainly. You sell the sizzle, not the steak.

This week on Doughboys, we return to Sizzler.

Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants. I'm Tiger Weiger, along with my co-host,

E.B.M. White, Omit Needless Turds, The Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell.

That one was a little brainy. It's a reference to our discussion with Jesse Thorne about E.B.
White's, you know, the elements of style, where he omit needless words was the passage that we cited.

Okay.

I'm just saying what the reference, I'm just walking you through the reference. Hi, Doughboys and Dough girls.
That reverence almost put me under, man. That was, that was.

Have you ever thought about being an Anathy Anasty?

Hi, Doughboys and Dough girls. We wouldn't need a bathroom breakdown.
Every episode of Mitch Followed This Great Advice. Lots of love.
Mark, aka

Cram on the Doscord from New Zealand. Hello, Down Under.
Have you ever thought about being anesthetic?

I thought I was going to say it.

Anesthesiologist? Anesthesiologist. Have you ever thought about that?

You go in there, you talk to the patient, they go under.

Can you try to say it again?

This is my hell day. Yeah.
This is my third podcast. Oh, my God, Mitch.
Jesus. This is also my third.
Oh, all right. Well,

three podcasts in one day.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

That would kill you. I'd be fine.
You would not like it. No, I'd be in bad shape.

That's a lot of podcasting.

And this is last. Anesthesiology.
Anesthesiologist. Anesthesiology.

I think you're seeing it, the TH, but you don't have to say the TH. Anesthesia.
Anesthesiology. Anesthesiologist.
Yeah. For whatever reason, it didn't sound right.

Anyway, yes. You did say it right.
Yes, I have thought about doing that, Mitch.

Roastedbirdfuck.com. Yeah, a home and home for you today.
You did our guest podcast, and you're doing our podcast. The third.
A mystery third. A mystery third, okay.

Picked up my dry cleaning, got some stuff done. It was good.
Hit Duncan. Do you dry clean? I dry clean my suit.
Oh.

Bring that suit home? No. Okay.
What are you doing with that suit? I just did it, and then I sent it to the dry. It's the suit I wore to the Napa Boys premiere.
Okay. And I had been sitting in a pile.

I was like, I got to take this suit to the dry cleaners. I brought it in last week and they're like, we need a week for it to be dry clean.
I was like, a week. And then it was like, was it that funky?

It wasn't that. No, it wasn't that funky.
There was nothing wrong. There was, it was, I just, it wasn't that funny.

I did not shit in the suit.

Bust in it. I busted and it once.
Okay.

It was a good movie.

So it was,

it didn't seem like it needed that long, but it was like a week. And I was like, okay, this is the day that I'm like recording a bunch of things.

And then going back, I mean, not to date this episode, but going back for the great

gobble event that we all go to every year yes many gobbles to all of you who many gobbles to those you celebrate gobble event the great we all love the great gobble event gets gobblier every year

I yeah, you know what? I'm realizing because I own suits, I just don't get them dry cleaned. I just wear them and then I just put them back like on the shelf.
Oh, nasty.

I just put them back on the rack. I don't think that's nasty.
I don't think they get that all that stinky. I mean, why your shirt stinks underneath?

Well, dry cleaning, they just spray chemicals on it. It's not cleaning it.

So I think you can just do that at home for a while. Good way to keep the moths away.
They're going to be flying in there dying smelling your suits. Your suits stink.

People are afraid to tell you your suits stink. Suits smell great.
They smell like shit.

Febreeze. Yeah, Febreze.
You're just going to squirt some February on there? What do you think the dry cleaner is doing? They're just spraying chemical February on your shit.

I don't love chemicals personally. That's what dry cleaning is.
Exposing yourself to products. Just chemicals.
There's a dry cleaner not far from my house. She does a great job.
We're friends.

Wow, great.

And that changes what she does because of the proximity to your house and your friends. She's not far from your house and we're friends.
She's very nice. How about that? She does a great job.
Yeah.

My suits don't stink. My suits don't either.
I'm not fucking shitting and busting in them like a fucking animal. Now, hold on a second.
Wait.

what dry cleaner do you go to? I can't. Well, I just told you it's close.
Yeah, I know, but the close one is a man.

The close to here or close to me?

I know where you live.

It's close to me. Yeah.

You don't go to.

I don't go to

okay. Sounds delicious.
Here, hold on a second.

Sounds delicious. Let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, I'm going to write you where I'm going to write to you right now where I go.
Okay, Mitch is writing in his phone. Um, the location.

I've got my potato out.

Dry cleaner.

Okay, here we go. Oh, you had that potato phone case.
It's a lot of fun. I got it.

Oh, I thought you were going to text me. Oh, okay.

Yeah, that's closer than I thought. I thought you were going the other way.

Like, straight

that way. Got it.
No, no, no.

Oh, I know the one you're talking about. Yeah, that's a good one.
That is a good one. I can say what straight.

Is that on

up to you? I mean, you're going to say it. Don't tell these people where you live.
And I guess I got this a week ago. I love it.
And I like, and it's got a little potato guy. It's great.

And I like the nice man in my life. I like going, where's my potato? That's fun.
That's very good.

Yeah, because you got a bit, it's, it's a big potato case and then a little dangling potato keychain there. A baby potato.
Nellie's got a pineapple phone case. It chisels a lot of fun.

These food phone cases seem to be in. They are.
This is a Jessica Jardine. She had it.
And I said, where'd you get that potato from? And she said, Amazon. So I ordered me one.
And I got a peanut.

Okay. See, here's the issue with that.
That would be too big for my pocket, the potato case. And I just do classic.
It's not too big for my pocket. Do you keep it in your pocket?

Yeah, we're of similar size and shape. That's, I didn't, there was nothing that there was nothing there.
There was nothing.

There was nothing there that was implying otherwise, is what I was saying.

I feel like you've had several mini strokes. I, I told you I had long COVID, and then you know what?

Driving back there, I was telling Wags, my brain is just mush right now. My brain is also a little mushy, but the place we went to will do that to you.

Yeah, we'll have that after effect.

We're dealing in the lingering aftermath. We're dealing in the long shadow of this meal that we've consumed.
Yeah, I've already shit some of it out. Yeah.

Did you use a restroom? Everybody did. Yeah, I told you.

Oh, man. So you used it and were done before I was finished.
Yeah. You were taking your sweet time out there.
I was not having fun in there.

It was one of those, do you know one of those things where you're like, oh, I think I'm done. And then like another

wave hits. Another wave shore.
That's what was going on.

Do you have a bidet?

I have a bidet. Do you shoot the water up your butt to clean it out? I do.
Okay, do you?

You don't want to go too high up there because you don't want to give yourself like an enema. Why?

Because that's like not healthy to start like, you know, interfering with your body's natural processes. You don't even want to clean the after.

But if you start doing that, then you'll start to induce, you know, additional. Like, I've read about this.
You don't want to be blasting too much water up there too high pressure.

You're not up into the hole. I blast it right into the hole.
Yeah, I don't think you want to

be

power washing your insides. That's what I do.
No, I think you want to be more cleaning the surface. Oh.

And then, because otherwise, you're basically giving yourself an enema every single time you're having a BM.

Wages only puts it up to the full pressure when he's doing a water flosser for his teeth. He stands over the toilet and then flosses his teeth with the water.

that's a really funny image yeah

excuse me i need to floss my teeth i'm just standing over the toilet it's that voice

you my man okay you my month

late hey we got the late night sillies going on here

yeah burning the midnight oil here at 6 30 p.m

Well, it is pitch black outside. It is pitch black outside.
I'm going to the airport at 3.30 this morning. I don't understand that.
I think it's too early.

Her time to go to the airport was, I would say, bad. I have a 6 a.m.
flight. You said leave at 5 a.m.
Because you board at 5.30. You have pre-check.
I know that. You probably have clear as well.

So you get there. That's a half hour to board.
You are right. I have to say pre-check and clear.
This is true.

Technically, it's an hour to board because you have up until 15 minutes prior to departure to get on the plane.

You'd be getting a little close if you did that. That would give me anxiety.

And you've missed, and our Doughboys

missed the flight. I have not.
I miss flights all the time.

This is a part of the issue. At least every quarter I'm missing a flight or two.
Yeah. Here's the thing.
There's always another flight. That's a good point.

I just hopped on another flight a couple hours later. It was fine.
That would be a nightmare if I was at the airport and then stayed.

This is a whole thing we've talked about before because this all goes back to shitting, which is that you're timing your BMs to correspond with a flight.

fly, you get on the early flight so that you don't have to worry about taking a BM in advance or on the plane. Yeah, I, I, oh, I don't like to eat the day.

This got us into a big fight. Yeah.

It got us into a big fucking fight. It's fine.
No, it wasn't even a big deal. I just like, I was.
Oh, it wasn't? No, it wasn't.

We're so close to the end of the year. Yeah, you gotta, you gotta drop the plane.
We gotta play. I got bits in my phone.
You gotta, you gotta drop to play. We gotta get our guest in here.

What is what was the fight? So here's the thing. Can I tell you one of the bits in my phone? Yeah.
What do we think about when a woman calls her private parts flower?

That's a bit?

Might we think about it? Like when someone says, I gave them my flower? Yes. I always thought that meant virginity.

Is it always virginity? I think so. I've heard it in that context, but I think what you're meant, maybe you're thinking a Georgia O'Keeffe sense.
Like it's like a flowery sort of organ.

It's not going to be a bit. That's what I want to know.
It's not a bit. It's more of a conversation starter.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Got it. A half idea.
Okay. Because I think someone calling it a flower.

I guess I don't like any genital nicknames personally.

Not even a mushroom stump. I mean,

that's pretty good.

Sticking with plant life.

My mushroom stump. I mean, I don't know in what I'm trying to think of a scenario where I'd be saying it, and it was immediately dirty and angry for whatever reason.
But

let's see. Should I go on to the next bit? Let's see what else is saying.
Yeah, fine.

Emma, can you see how ashy my legs are? From. Okay.

They're very ashy.

I don't

fine from here.

No offense. I think it's because you're white.
Oh, I think Ash or. Yeah.
I don't think you know Ash.

Can I be honest with you? There's no other bits written down.

Okay. Any other questions? Yeah, do you have another question?

There's a thing. There's one note that just says endocrinologist, which I think means I should go visit one.

What is an endocrinologist? Inside person? Oh, interesting. I think.
Okay. Right? That's your inside diet.
Endo sounds like inside. Yeah.

I'm laughing. I can't even repeat.
Look, the flower thing went over gray already,

but

why are you doing this? I'm just trying to get conversation going. You play your drop.

We're at the end of the drop. The guests are going to be going to the bottom.
Hit him with the drop. I know.
Everyone's going to be mad. I was looking at my fucking phone.

He looks at his iPad all the time. And a lot of the times

he's looking at comic books. What? He's looking at his,

he's looking at the dirty comic books. I would never look at a hentai.
You were looking at the hentai. I would never look at a hentai on my iPad while we were doing a recording.

He's quick quitting all of the hentai. He 100% is.

You guys get mad at him. He's secretly keeping his iPad there.
I look at my phone for my notes to bring up interesting stuff like how women calling their vagina a flower is disgusting. I asked,

I said, what were you fighting about in reference to planes? And then you said, I was trying to change the subject because it was a fight. Okay, then I was like,

I said, I said that I don't eat before I fly. Yes.
And Wagger's like, well, we have different schedules. That's what he said.
And I was like, yeah, I was like,

if you got up a little bit earlier, we don't need to rehash this. Yeah, yeah.
We need to really get this. Oh, yeah, no, no, no, you're right because 4 a.m.

is far too late in the day to get up tomorrow. You're the person that can settle this.

I'm saying this.

If you had, let's say you had your flight a little bit later in the day, you got up with enough time to eat something, move your bowels before you got on the plane. That's a good point.

My point was at 6 p.m., I guess I shouldn't be waking up at 3.30 p.m.

Well, no, but this is the thing of like being an extremist.

Yeah, you're really, you're really like pushing it. There's nothing else on your phone.
There's a, there's a, there's a good point between that. There's not much else on here.

I mean, I get why you leave so early, but also there is a happy medium where you leave at like 10.

Do you have to have breakfast?

I don't want to eat before flight. I like very rarely.

If I have a 7 p.m. flight, I sometimes may eat lunch sometimes.
But if you have a 10 a.m. flight, you don't have to eat, right? No, I don't want to eat.
That's what I'm going to do.

But you can sleep a little later.

But he was saying, he was like, our schedule is different. I was like, I just don't like to eat before flights.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
And he was like, well, our schedules.

And I was like, but our schedules are different, too. Yeah, I know they are.
That's a truism. I know.
I'm happy they are. I don't like your schedule.

Do you know what his schedule is? Yeah, wake up, be boring. I don't know what the fuck it is.

How dare you? Wake up, be boring.

Wake up at 5 a.m., bore the shit out of everyone.

I'm not up at 5 a.m. I practice good sleep hygiene.
I have a consistent sleep time and wake time. You told me that your sleep's not good recently.
It hasn't been great, but I've been working on it.

Yeah.

What's going on?

Meeting up with Sandman?

Seen an anesthesiologist.

Yeah, try to say that one again.

I think it is just a lisp is happening. I don't know.
I think you're seeing the word. There is a TH.
Anesthesiologist. There you go.

Anesthesia. Uh-oh.

Anesthesia. Have you been put under

in a minute?

It hasn't been since 2020. 2020.
Yeah. I fell down the stairs, broke the ankle, and then, yeah, had to get

pins put in.

And then I had to have them taken out. That requires you to go to be sedated.
Wow. Okay.
Yeah. The anesthesiologist, when they were like giving me the drugs, he was like, count down from 100.

And I was counting down. He was like, you're making it pretty far.
And then he was like, also, your blood pressure is elevated. You nervous? And I was like, what are these? What the fuck?

What are these wilds? Yeah, I'm very nervous.

And then when he was like,

your tolerance is really high. I think that's what he was trying to imply.
And I was like, I don't know what to tell you. I didn't even make one second when I did it.

They were like, all right, count down from like 10. And I was like, 10.
And then I was, don't remember anything. I was over.

That's my memory of getting my wisdom teeth taken out, like, you know, whatever, 25 years ago at this point. But I had a, I took an anatomy class in high school.
Put him back in, you dumbass.

Wow. I took an anatomy class in high school.
Wow. And I was too miserable.
My teacher. No, no, no.
It was quick and good.

It was just, it was right there. Put him back in, you dumbass.
Our teacher talked about how she used to give autopsies. And the first autopsy she ever did, well,

before she got into teaching public school, she worked as like a, you know, in forensics and performed autopsies. First autopsy she ever did was a man who died

during surgery

from the anesthesiologist. Oh, my God.
And it was a thing where he did not disclose that he was an alcoholic.

And so that because of that, that reacted with the, you know, his elevated alcohol levels, the, the, the chemicals that they put in him, and just like fucking killed him. He never woke up.

Like, Jesus. And she's like, wait, you got that.
He was handsome, too. That's very

sad. That's so funny.

But

she met an ugly guy. We were wasting time in that scenario years ago.

I don't know. Just like, I think, I think it was just a ugly people deserve to die.
All right.

What? Why did you have to think about that? Sorry. That's right.
Do you have wisdom teeth? I got them removed as well. Did you get put under? Get back in, you dumbass.

Quick, quick, quick.

Did you get put under? I did get put under. I didn't.
Wow. They twisted and pulled them, and I felt it.
Oh, that's the local anesthetic. Wow, okay.
That's intense. I don't remember.
I don't think so.

A lot of times they're in packed where they're going sideways and you have to go under five. Oh, maybe that's what it was.
I had mine in my mouth still to this day. I had one.

One. Just one.
They left one. Well, I only had three.
Oh.

Waking up from wisdom teeth was, that was the worst. Because waking up from the colonoscopy, great.
I was in a bed and it was nice.

Waking up from the wisdom teeth, I woke up and I was in a different room, which I was like, How did I get into this room? And my mom was there. And I was like, Was I sit? Like, was I talking?

You know what I mean? Like, I was like afraid that I was like saying dumb stuff while I was on her, because I like was semi-awake, you know what I mean? And then went out whenever I was.

Were you saying dumb stuff? I maybe was. I had no idea.
I maybe was. Yeah.

You said a lot of dumb stuff so far.

Okay, moving on. Mitch, we go.
Our guest has

now. We haven't played the drop.
Oh, play the drop. Please hit him with the drop, Emma.

Sizzler.

Taking it shrips. It's a Sizzler.
It's a restaurant within a restaurant. Sizzler.
Sizzler. That sounds good.
But hurry, before this guy eats it all. I love Sizzling Shelf.

I'm in it for the the crunch. Sizzler.

I was shocked because everyone makes jokes about Sizzler. Sizzler brings the choices that you've been sleeping.
Oh, time's getting close.

That bottom cones will make the Sizzler world go round.

A lot of fun. Earl Pal Marissa Pinston on there.
That's right. Yes.

What's up, pin pals? Hey, Nick, Mitch, Nicole, and the Deus. Okay.
Sending in an oldie from way back in 2017.

I made this after your first review of Sizzler with Marissa Pinson, but I don't think I ever sent it in. Is Sizzler still a golden plate club, Shane? I guess we'll see.
Cheers, DK, drop.

The drop king himself coming out of retirement to give us a bespoke drop. How about that? Very fitting.
Drops at birdfog.com.

And befitting

an esteemed guest we have back on the podcast. Wouldn't it be fun if you were an anesthesiologist? Got it.

Wouldn't it be fun if you were an anesthesiologist to be like, you're making it pretty far, far, far? Like, like trying to mess with, you know what I'm saying?

Like, do, like doing some Echo Voice stuff, trying to mess with the, trying to.

I think, yeah, sure. I think it would be fun for that person, but maybe not fun for the patient.

You're like, why are you trying to fuck with me? That's like, all right, that's fair.

When I woke up with my wisdom teeth out, I had... a bunch of gauze in my mouth and was bleeding.
It was like a terrible experience waking up from that. It was terrible not being put to sleep.

Yeah, that's also true. Yeah, now I can't open my mouth all the way.
Do you think

Mitch, you're afraid that, well, while you're asleep, that a mummy had you suck him off?

It was my mother. Oh, sorry.
I wasn't there with the mummy.

But yeah, of course, I'm always afraid. Any night I go to bed, I'm afraid I'm going to be sucking a mummy off.
Of course.

That would be so awful if you blew a mummy and then you got like the bandages stuck in your mouth. Yeah, I know.
Can you imagine? That is a good question. Do you have to unwrap?

Do you got to unwrap his

dick?

I would imagine it is wrapped so you gotta unwrap it do you unwrap it to to suck him up i think he wants it wrapped he likes he wants to remain he wants it wrapped yeah yeah what is it glove it ticket quick

our guest

our guest host why won't you date me right here in a head gim nicole buyer is back hi nicole thanks so much wow thank you for having me what a treat uh what what what an absolute joy every time you join us.

Last time we discussed Applebee's, our first Applebee's review. Have you returned to the Bee?

Have I? Yes, I have. You have? Okay.
Yes, in Jamestown, New York.

I was doing like shows there, and I went to the Applebee's. I had boneless buffalo wings and I think ribs.
And it was a lovely time.

Sounds like a hoot. There's an Applebee's next door to North Quincy High School, and I've never been to it.
My high school. You're alma mater.
Yeah, yeah.

Do you have one near Ed Gein High School where they teachers give autopsies?

I did not go to Ed Gein High School, named for the serial boiler.

Did not go to Monster High. I went to Long Beach Poly High, homeless scholars and champions.
That's right. Famous alumni include Snoop Dogg and Cameron Diaz.
Cameron Diaz.

Yeah. Tony Gwynn went to my high school.
Wow. Tony Gwynn was a Major League Hall of Famer, R.I.P.

And also Billie Jean King, the tennis great. Yes.
Marilyn Horne, opera singer.

Yeah.

What a lineup. Yeah.
Stephen Van Zant went to my high school

from the Sopranos. We were just talking about the Soprano.
Silvio. Silvio.
Wow.

He does this look a lot of the time. Yeah, he's doing like kind of a Pacino impression.
Yeah. What do you think of him in the series so far? He's great.
He's very good. His wig is the best wig.

My favorite character? Tony's mother. I was very sad when she passed away.
Olivia Soprano is great. She is so funny.
Nancy Marchan, great actor, R.I.P., also has a great performance in The Naked Gun.

Oh, Naked Gun. Yeah.
Yeah, she's a villain. Or no, also, is she Nancy Marchan? No.
No, she's like the head of the police department. That's right.
Wait, but

she's not in the Goonies. That's another actor, right? Or is it? No, I think it's a different actor.
It's a Nancy Marchan. Okay.

She's great. She's great in the Sopranos.
And then also, yeah, Pass Away. And they had to use a CGI version of her.
Yes. And it was very strange.
It was very jarring.

It is a little jarring. It's not like for what they had to do, it's like, okay.
It's crazy, but it was just they had recycled, I think, old things that she had said already.

It's stuff that was already on the show. So it's a little bit like, I just like, like, who am I to note the Sopranos?

But I feel like, I could have just not had that scene and she could have just passed away off camera. Sounds like they're trying to note them.
I'm just trying to note the Sopranos. So who am I?

Who am I to note the Sopranos? The Deus and I have a CGI Wagger ready to go for whenever you catch the bucket.

No, this isn't CGI Wagger. Yeah, no one knows.
Because we're going to keep it going. We're keeping it running.
And oh, you've repeated yourself a billion times over, so it's no big deal.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I'm coming at you today. You really are.
It's the holidays. I'm sick of your shit.
Let's get this stuff over with.

I'm ready to go back home to mommy. Yeah, we know.

Will you tell your mom I said hi? She would, she'll be very happy. I love her so much.
Teller Weiger said hi, too. All right, we'll see.
She loves me. She does.
You know what? Wigs is a very good.

When he came to my house, the two of them sat out on the porch for a little too long. What a lovely time.
And we're having a good day. Trying to be his daddy.

Is that what's happening? Trying to be his new daddy? He could do worse. I mean, if you're my dad, you do have to punish me by spanking me.

Spilling milk left and right.

I guess that doesn't deserve a spanking.

No. Trying to get a spank.

Bad boy.

Here's my here's my question for you, Nicole, that's food related and pertains to what we had today. Because I've known you in the past as a bit of a soup skeptic,

but we certainly enjoyed

a little crock of soup today. We recently did soup month at the podcast, Croc Doburn Fest.

I didn't, I forgot that you were a soup skeptic. Have you like, like, yeah, have you, have you, have you turned a corner on that? Are there certain soups that you're that you can tolerate?

I have turned a corner. I was on a KLM flight from

Amsterdam to South Africa, and they gave me a like, it was like a curry soup, and it was was so good wow

klm k oh okay oh klm okay and i really liked it and then when i was in africa i had more soup and i said maybe there's something about soup maybe people are right about soup and then i've been like kind of a soup head ever since i gotta say tonight one of the first things you mentioned was a soup yeah i got excited i said oh a broccoli cheddar soup that's right yeah yeah which is very decadent it really is but it was nice it's quite a bit it is It is.

I think all of us have a case of the rumblies right now, I guess. For sure.

Yes, I've already shit. Yeah, same here.
Yes, yeah, yeah. And it was not, yeah, immediately, and also very quickly after we all arrived here.
Yeah.

You know who else? Shit, whichever fucking animal was using the Sizzler stall before me. Which I can.

Standing about 15 feet away, fucking blasting a super soaker of diarrhea directly onto the toilet suit.

Fucking monster.

Look, I didn't know you were were. Yeah, I didn't know you were going to use it.
Did you take a picture? I was not going to take a picture of someone else's

shitty toilet. I didn't know you were going to use the bathroom after me, so I apologize.

This also, this plays into, I told you, this is 100% the same person.

I went into the bathroom. There was a, very loudly, someone was watching live TV on their phone or a video of a Spanish language sitcom.

And it was very much noises and a studio audience laughing. So it was like, it was like boing,

and then like,

and then I was like, what is this show? I was fascinated by that, but in between, like, it would be like, boing, spring,

and then

so fucking loud. Yeah, it was disgusting.
It was truly, this guy was like, shit, like, and it must have been the same guy. Yeah.
Because it was like very, very loud and it seemed very, very echoey.

And I think it was a man.

You think it was a man? I mean, it was definitely, I was, I mean, I think it was. It was the men's room.
It was the the men's room, but who knows? I have no idea who was in there, but it was 100%.

It was a disgusting experience. And I'm like, in the time that

we ate and you went back in there, I don't, I doubt anyone else. No, I mean, like, whoever was in there beforehand was like, definitely hovering over the seat.
Felt like possibly

at a 90-degree angle.

I was, I mean, I was in there laughing. I was hearing a weird sitcom.
And then, like, there was occasionally dialogue in a studio laugh track that was like happening constantly.

And then diarrhea explosive noises in between i just don't understand like i get hovering but i feel like if you have to shit you should just sit just sit yeah just take the l and sit especially if you're watching something like you're gonna be there long enough to like put your show on yeah sit down but also yes it is unhinged to watch television in a public bathroom That's weird.

As you're shooting shit all over the toilet. I mean, maybe there were a lot of people in there laughing with him and it wasn't a, maybe it wasn't a video.
Who knows?

I don't know what it was, but it was very strange. And I was laughing.
And there was another guy there who was also laughing as I was walking out. So like we knew it was a weird, funny thing.

I should have gone to the women's room. I maybe missed out on something diabolical in there.
I would argue

it made my meal worse, I guess, after I went in there.

It's a very,

it's tight quarters. There's not,

it's not,

it's not great in there. Let's, uh, let, we'll get to that we'll get into all that but wait we're gonna get back okay we'll get back to that we've covered it now we'll talk we'll talk about this later

like to really get into it what color was the shit was it light or dark great question uh we're talking yellow brown or dark you know like it was like a tan brown oh that's tough yeah yeah i don't know why that's tough for me dark is like okay but tan yeah it was a little upsetting very specific that's all right what are you gonna do and you you just decided to not use the restroom right yeah i just was like i'll just go back at Headgum.

I'll just use the Headgum Echo toilet. So

you were going to go number two in that bathroom. Yeah, what did you think I was going to do? I had shit in the sizzler.
I was just going to get away for it. Yeah.
So

in

my car, you were holding it in, maybe.

Yeah, but it was fine. I was an urgent.
I was taking my sweet. Did you notice? I didn't notice.
I was taking my sweet down. I was going to be like,

I mean, that's what I, that is very much what I did.

Not every shit for me is like an emergency. Like, there's times where it's like, I have to shit.
I don't know that life. Yeah.
I don't, I have to. Unfortunately, I don't know that life.

I kind of don't know that. Like, it is always an emergency.
And it's like, I got like 10 minutes before like disaster. Yeah.
I know I had a little, I had a little bit of a time of a window, you know.

There are times when it is like, holy shit, I'm going to shit my pants if I don't get it. What do you do in those scenarios?

I remember like driving with Armin and Bugman and Jack to like go pitch something. And I was like, oh my God, my stomach.

And I had to be like, don't talk to me. I was like, you can't talk.
Like, that's like what I had. It was just like me concentrating on not going to the bathroom.
That's what I had.

And then I had to run into a meeting and was like, hi, and hugging me. I was like, excuse me.
And then I went into the bathroom and like destroyed it.

It's, which is so embarrassing to like, they know, like, they knew exactly what it was. Do you carry

like a puppere? Pooirie?

Well, you told me something on your podcast earlier that about some matches that you have. Yes, they're incense matches.
Oh, that's smart.

So you light them and then you just hold it for a little bit and it's an incense and it smells really nice. Very savvy.

I do not travel with puppoury or anything. You should.
Maybe I should, yeah.

I now,

kind of under your recommendation, I now will have

Pepto-Bismol in my car or something. But it can like harden in your car.
If you keep it in your car for too long, it can like harden up. Oh.
Mine never lasts long enough for it to harden.

It's gone within a week. Do them pills.
Yeah.

That's smart.

That's what I travel with. But Peptobismol also backs me up if I take it.
So I try not to take it.

Can I bitch something at you? Yeah. Get up a little bit earlier, have your meal earlier, then you have your meal before the flight.

I can't wait to text you at 5 a.m. when you are going to be awake and then go to the airport.

Thanksgiving. Are you going to wake up at 5 a.m.
on Thanksgiving morning? I don't wake up at 5 a.m. I do some days, but I don't, but

mostly my wake time is between 6 and 7. Can I ask? Yeah.

What are you doing? 6'7. Oh, that's good.
That's good, Mitch.

Yeah, you're hit. 6'7.
You know what the teens are doing? Yeah. There was a

6-7.

Wendy's is this.

There's a very desperate Wendy's thing where they're doing like a 6-7

Frosty. Did you see this?

It's tough. I mean, but you know,

nothing's as sweaty as what Steak and Shake has been doing, which we'll get into at a certain point. Wait, I need to know, what are you doing at 6-7 a.m.? Like, what are you doing?

Mitch, no.

I just get, get, I mean, like, I just try to.

I historically have a lot of problems sleeping, and I have no reason to be up late. I got nothing going on.

So I'm just like, I, I like, I like maintaining a regimented sleep cycle, and it also gives me time.

Yeah, I got a job right now, so I can go time to got time to go to the gym before I go into work or whatever.

So, you know, I, I, but, but like, yeah, I think just maintaining some regularity and then having to, having my

own

sleep cycle kind of line up with the, when the sun rises and

when it gets dark out. How often do you watch that sun come up? Do you watch it come up often? Sometimes, yeah.

Not every day. How often do you watch that sun come up?

The latest sun, that was insane.

I'm interested. How often do you watch that sun come up? Not every day.
Usually I'm waking up early if I'm seeing the sun actually rise.

Usually I'm up and the sun is already out or in the process of rising. Do you know what I think is a beautiful Dracula moment or a vampire moment, I guess, is when they're like, let's watch the sun.

You know, like they know they're going to die and they're like, watch, let's watch the sun. Oh, yeah, sure.
So they never get to, you know, they never get to see it. Yeah.

It's a very, I think it's a very sweet moment. There's a version of that interview with a vampire where it is.

They watch the, but there is like a grim version of that where it does lead to some characters dying, but there's another one where

Bradbury's character just gets to watch a sunrise in a movie. Because he's like, oh, yeah, like, I've lived long enough where now movies exist and now I can see what this actually looks like.

That's wild. What movie are you talking about?

I think I was just thinking about interview with a vampire where they watch it. But there is a few of them.
I think there's a few of them where they get to watch the sunrise.

It happens in, I think, Thirst, the Bong Jun-ho movie. Ooh, okay.
I've never seen it. It's a good, it's good job.
I've never seen Thirst either. Oh, Mitch, you'd love that movie.
That's a great movie.

I like Bong. I'm a big fan of Bong.
What's another Bong?

I said Bong Junho. I meant Park Chan Wook.
Oh, well, I could tell you more about Bong Junho movies.

Wags, can you say a few Park Chan Wook movies? Park Chan Wook, he made Old Boy. Oh, great movie.
He made Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, Lady Vengeance.

He made

Old Boy is great. Have you seen Old Boy? I've seen it, but it's on a list of movies that I'm trying to get through.
They hadn't made in one of the best movies of this century.

He made, oh, what was his most recent movie?

I think his new movie is called No Other Choice, and then the one he made before The Decision to Leave. Oh, he's going to look at movies.

Yeah.

Bong Joo Ho did recently, he did the Robert Pattinson.

Mickey 17 one. Yeah.

And he did Parasite. Did you ever see Parasite? Oh, I loved Parasite.
That was a nice time.

What are your holiday dishes that you are looking anticipating? It could be for the

gobbler day. It could be for Christmas.
It could be for any sort of thing around this season. Ribs.
Ribs. Okay.
I get Christmas ribs. What specific, like, like, is there anything specific to the

earlier today? Do you, you heard this earlier today, too?

It's true. I'm that excited about my Christmas ribs.
Christmas ribs are great. Yeah.
That nice man in my life, his sister makes me ribs for Christmas. Wow.
How about that? And it's really nice.

I love ribs and nobody ever really makes me ribs. And I asked for it last year and she made them.
And I said, this year do I get Christmas ribs? And she said, yes. Are we talking baby back ribs?

We're talking what, do we, is there like a dry rub? Are we talking about some sort of like there's a dry rub? Okay. It's like they look like blood sews.
Okay. Yeah.

And they're like pretty meaty and there's like a dry rub. And I think we added sauce.
I don't think they were sauced. Got it.
Which I like because then you can regulate how much sauce gets on them.

I agree. Yes.
I think that's fun. And mac and cheese for gobble gobble day.
My uncle makes a very good mac and cheese.

We had a big discussion about this about mac and cheese being a true, like a, we were talking about traditional Thanksgiving size. And I said that mac and cheese is

not as traditional.

Yes, because you're white. Yes.
I mean, I think that is the reason why, honestly. But I think, but I, but I, but I was like, to me, the, the, the, the big ones are stuffing mashed potatoes.

Those are kind of the two 100% on the table sort of thing in my mind. But I don't like.
But that's wild that you don't have more standards.

But I'm saying, if I'm like boiling it down to like the like the 100% of the standards, because like any vegetable can come in and out, right? Cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, stuffing.

I don't think you're being too much of a traditionalist. Yeah.

But that's my, that's the exercise here. That is the exercise.
It doesn't have to be. It's, it's, I'm just, I think, yeah.

Okay, mashed potatoes, yeah, stuffing, cranberry sauce, mac and cheese, some sort of sweet potato casserole thing, and then like collard greens. To me, that's the standard.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And of course, it's different for, you know, it's very, it's very different with, it's different between families, of course. But I'm, but I'm saying, like, the,

what would you say is the number one stuffing, right? I would say like, or, or dressing.

I, I kind of wonder if mashed potatoes supplant stuffing/slash dressing as the, as the number one, as the most common, if that's what that's what you're trying to do.

But I would say, and I like a sweet potato too, but I but I would like if I showed up to a Thanksgiving, there was no sweet potato. I'd be like, okay, like I wouldn't, I wouldn't be thrilled.

I would love to have very mad. Would you be mad? Yes.
Yeah. Yeah, I get it.
I've never had a Thanksgiving without some sort of sweet potatoy thing. Yeah.
All right. That's fair.

For me, I'm like, I'm expecting mashed potato stuffing and cranberry sauce. And then all the extras are fun to me.
I love a green bean casserole, but I'm not expecting that every time. Sure.

All right. Yeah.
I mean, it's not a fun exercise, but it is an exercise. I was just saying it's an exercise.
What's the day is?

What are your number one sides, your number one Thanksgiving or slash holiday dishes? I think mashed potatoes are my favorite. Mashed potatoes.
For sure. Yeah.
Yeah.

Stuffing, mashed potatoes, cornbread. Cornbread.
Cornbread.

Yeah.

I agree.

Didn't get enough credit for a side screen. That's good.

She got plenty of credit. We laugh.

You know what? And no dirty jokes here.

You know what I like at Christmas? Come.

A big old bowl of Santa cum.

A nice Yule log. Oh, that's fine.
Yes, I like a Yule log. Have you had one?

No. What?

Is it a Yule log just on the TV and it burns? No.

You mean like a cake log? Yeah, yeah.

Are they called Yule logs? There is a dessert, yes, but I'm like, I'm I only know about it in the abstract. I've never actually had it.

I really thought it was just like a burning log that you turn on. I mean, that's also very fun.
Well, what's a Yule log? What do you mean? I'll show you a Yule log. Hold on, I'll show it to you.

Oh, it's like a chocolate roll cake that looks like a log.

Oh.

One of those specialty Christmas desserts, a kind of fruitcake. Not traditional at all.

Fruitcake is sick. I'm not into fruitcake.
I'm not a fruitcake. You know what? I gotta say it.

Thanksgiving food better than Christmas food a a lot of times. I don't think that's controversial.
I think most people agree with you. Yeah.
I mean, more of a food holiday. Here we go.

Here's a Yo Log.

Oh, it's like a Yoho. No, a Yodel.
Yeah. It does look like a Yodel.
It does look like a big fat Yodel. It's a Yodel.
Like a strong bully-sized Yodel. It does, yeah.
I don't like this one's nasty.

That one looks too much like a log.

Yes, some of them really do look like that. I mean, that's the fun of it.
They try to make it look very good. So it's like chocolate and then like cream.
Yeah, chocolate cake.

Yeah, like a chocolate cake wrapped in cream. Oh, yeah, with like cream in it.
It's interesting. Did your mom make that? No, I've only really had it at Christmas twice, but

I loved it. I ordered it twice.
And it was good.

And also we'll do, sometimes we'll do prime rib or roast or like a roast beef

on Christmas, which I think is fun. Controversial.
I don't like a prime rib.

Really? Yeah, I don't like it. It's too big and meaty and chewy.
It's certainly situational.

There's a lot of times where you get a bad prime rib and it's not really worth it.

There are times when if you find a place that really executes it well, it'd be like, and this is like their specialty. I was like, Yeah, right, yeah.
Have you been to Lowry?

Have you ever been to Lowry's?

I don't know if I've had a prime, no, actually, I haven't. I haven't been there.
Lowry's and Tam O'Shanter is the other big one that has.

See, I've had, I've tasted the Tam O'Shanter one, and I did not like it. Oh, okay.
I like Tam O'Shanter's. It's a fun time.
But you like steak, which we got into. I love steak.
So

that's why it surprised me because they also do a thin-sliced prime rib, and I wonder if you should try that because when it's very thin-sliced, it is like it's some some of that texture stuff can go away a little bit.

I would try it, but prime rib is just it's not, it doesn't feel cooked enough. Yeah, and then chewy.
It's like it's like gum meat. I think meat gum.

That is just that is disgusting, and I do know what you're talking about. It is a little bit gum.
It is kind of gum meat. Why? She's not wrong.

They're very, I mean, they're, I understand, though, liking one, liking steak, and not liking prime rib, because Natalie's the opposite. Natalie likes prime rib and doesn't really like steak.

Natalie doesn't like steak. But she does like, she likes her meat like really rare.
Natalie doesn't like steak. I mean, just like, it's not the thing she's usually craving when she's over an adult.

You're not married to her. I know.

I feel bad for her about that every day.

She likes every, I mean, she's like, she, she eats a drink. But she's such a drink.

She's such a foodie. I think there's just

surprised by this. There's other stuff that she would pick over steak, is more what I mean by that.
It's not like she's going to turn her nose up at it, but it's just like, I'm not, I'd rather.

That's the first thing she wants to order. Yeah, she'd rather order like a, you know, like whatever, like a Branzino over like a, like a ribeye.
You know what I mean?

So that's my Christmas Eve dinner is, and I noticed that no one got any of this soup today, but clam chowder. There was clam chowder? There was clam chowder.
There was clam chowder.

We all opted for the broccoli cheese soup. We'll do clam chowder and we'll do like stuffed,

stuffed clams. This is very new english.
Co-hogs, as they call them. Yes.
And then co-hogs. Co-hogs.
Or we call them stuffed clams, but co-hogs. I call them a Peter Griffinstown.

You do call it Peter Griffin's hometown. Yeah.

Clam chowder and then lobster rolls. That will be our, that's our, that's our Christmas Eve dinner.
And I love it. That's perfect.

Do you not like any of that stuff? It's just tough for me. It's just a lot of seafood.
It's a lot of fun. I don't think, I'm not a clam head.

Clam, wait. Oysters are on a half shell.
Yeah. And those are raw? Yes.
Clams are, they open up. Clams open up and stuffed clams are, it's, uh, it's very much like a stuffing.

It's like breading that's cooked, and you kind of don't even taste the clam that much, right? For people who have had that? It's just mostly the filling. It's just mostly the filling.

I think you would enjoy those.

You can get raw clams on the half-shell, though. Yeah, I don't like, I don't, I don't like raw clams.
I like oysters, but I don't like raw clams. I love oysters.
Yeah. Yeah.

But do you, are you a lobster fan or no? I do like lobster. Okay.
I like clams and mussels. They taste the texture is a little snotty.
It's like snotty. I can see that.
Clam chowder.

Do you like clam chowder or no? No, the color of it upsets me.

What?

It's just a. It's like Santa cum.
It's like Santa cum. Yeah, yeah, a big bowl of Santa cum.
I don't yeah, I get it. Chunky cum.
I don't want it.

We, this is a salad bar restaurant. We that I feel like a lot of people who go to the Sizzler, they're there for the salad bar.
It's the value play.

There's a lot of items on the salad bar that you could turn into your entree if you so deigned.

Was there a salad bar? I know we've talked about your

I have a, I just, I, I, I, I have something I think is kind of a great pitch. Okay.
salad bar with a salad bartender

like a guy who's like helping you make your salad i mean he's like washing cups omelets oh like like a guy who's like behind the salad bar you know what i'm saying you're pitching sweet cream that's what you're pitching

did i just pitch sweet cream yeah you just pitch

pitch like a chopped or a but also like you can sit at the bar you know what i'm saying salad bar you can sit at the bar And

what are you having? Ranch.

Keep them coming. Ranch.
Just shot glasses filled with ranch.

A salad bartender seems fun to me in some way. It is fun, but it is just a sweet green.
It is a sweet green. I guess it's a sweet green.

Well, no, it's not a sweet green if you don't have the things out in front of you, if you have to turn around to do it. Yeah, you can see.
That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, look.

It's a sweet green. It's a sweet green.
Whatever. There goes my idea.
Was there a.

I'm going to still put it in my notes.

Was there a salad bar you went to growing up?

I'll answer for myself real quick, which is that there was Marie Calendars, which is now a mostly defunct chain that people primarily know from the frozen foods aisle of their grocery store.

But Marie Calendars, you have a salad bar that I coveted as a boy. Oh.
Yeah. And so that's what I think of.
That was my first kind of salad bar experience I think of. And also the Soup Plantation.

Unfortunate name for a restaurant.

We discussed this first. It's truly wild that they said no notes.

Do you want to hear

the worst part about it? Logs, hit her with when they finally closed.

2021. That's wild.

That's wild. I remember moving here and someone's like, do you want to go to soup plantation? I was like, no.
Yeah. No, I'll.
No, I'll never. No.
I don't want to go there.

Called sweet tomatoes. Sweet tomatoes in some areas.

Sweet tomatoes. Yeah.

So whoever's in the naming department fucking needs to be fired. Sweet tomatoes? Well, they shuddered.
I think there's, is there one left or something? I forget what. There is one.

There's one left that I think it's officially branded store, and then there's another one that's like a renegade where it was like a former franchise owner.

It's in like Rancho Cucamonga, California, who's still running it with the old, with the old menu. Seems very

sounds like it aligns with the South in many ways. There's a renegade soup plantation.
That's right, right.

Never close all plantations. Like, put in my hood.

Okay.

But was there a salad bar you went to growing up? Sizzler. It was Sizzler.
And Pizza Hut. Oh, love the Pizza Hut.
Nicole, you mentioned my salad bar. My salad bar was the Pizza Hut salad bar.

Did you at your Pizza Hut salad bar, did you guys have like a blueberry cobbler pizza dessert? It was dessert pizza. I do remember dessert.

I just remember this blueberry, like cobbler-y pizza dessert that was so good, but I can't like wrap my mind around how they made it. Yeah, I guess I could Google.

Look, I'll say this: as the young kids will say, 90s,

I mean, besides 6'7,

90s Pizza Hut Buffet was hitting, Wags.

It was hitting back then.

How deeply upsetting to watch you say slang. It was hitting.
In the 90s, Pizza Hut was hitting. And

we used to go there for,

I was on the North Quincy High School football team, and we would sometimes go there for like pasta night. And then I said, So you're going out of your way not to go to the Applebee's.

The Applebee's was Wags. The Applebee's was put up later.
Actually, I don't even know if I was in school when it was put up.

But we would go to the Pizza Hut. But also, Pizza Hut rewarded you for reading.
I don't think there's like a restaurant like that now for kids. No.
Which is kind of sad.

I haven't read a book since this. If I haven't gotten a pizza for, I haven't read a book.

At UCB,

Besser told me that if I read Truth and Comedy, he'd get me a Pizza Hut pizza. So I did it.
So that's the last Truth and Comedy. Is that true?

No, it's not true, you fucking asshole. But it sounded like it could be true.
It was really plausible. Yeah, there was Professor was like, please read Truth and Comedy.

Read Sharna Halpern's Truth and Comedy.

It wasn't outlandish enough to feel like a joke. I read Truth and Comedy because I, for the love of the game, we're crying out.
Yes. You wanted to know about Sharna Halpern, how she knew Chris Farley.

Yes. Because a lot of anecdotes about Sharna Halper.

May we turn the air down again when you say down you mean cold yes what does that mean to you it means colder sorry what do you hear it make it colder emma that's what i assume i mitch has never asked me to make it warmer and he's got i've never wanted to be warm i mean i always say turn the air up to like more air conditioning more air conditioning

or i turn it down to six

it's at 66 right now do you i turn it down to oh my gosh i turn it down to six

seven and it's at six six now now it's at 62.

The fan was not on. That's the problem.
It's on now. What the fuck is going on here at Head Guard? Sorry.
Who knows? In the summer, what do you set your thermostat to? All right.

This is a great question. I

and then Weiger, I'd like to know. Yeah.
No dirty jokes, just like you log. 69 degrees is usually what I keep it at.

Interesting.

Is that too cold? No, I thought you'd go colder. I mean, I sometimes set it to 60.
Wow. Like in the dead of summer, I like being like,

that's for

my

the vent is like shooting right at me when I'm in bed. So even sometimes 69 can be too cold.
Sometimes in the, in, in like 100 degrees, it's 68, 67 or something like that. But never lower than.

Oh my gosh. Jesus Christ.
Do you turn your heat on in the winter?

You know what? I turned it on just

I turned it on just the other day for the first time. I turned it on

just

Wally and Irma, I could sense were very cold. So I

and it was like

this little cold spell we had.

And I turned it on to 68 degrees because it was 65 degrees in my house. So I, so I put it to 68 degrees.

We rarely go

below 70, but I think like, first of all, I think our smart thermostat, I think the way, where it detects

temperature, I think it like is different from how the house actually feels. It just feels like

that feel, that just feels like it's, it runs a little bit hotter than the actual temperature. And then also like, you know, my Natalie is a little, runs a little colder than me.

So she doesn't like the temperature quite as frigid. So if we're both there, we'll find a compromise.
But this is hard to say if I'm dating somebody. Yeah.
I'm a, I like a little, I like it frigid.

I like it colder. And, you know, and then the, you know, the other person will always be like, it's freezing cold in here.
And I'll be like, sorry about it. Sorry about that.
Yeah. Yeah.

Someone, someone can layer up and someone can layer down.

There's a way you can make this work. I think layering up is easier than layering down.
Yeah, sure. Can't just be naked.
I guess you could just be naked in the house.

Can you believe I'm single when I put my thermostat to 67 degrees and then the person I'm dating says, it's too cold in here. And I say, too bad.

I put my CPAF MAC on and don't touch them for the rest of the night and sleep like a Dracula.

Mitch, what was your, was Pizza Hut, was that your salad bar growing up? Was that your business? Why can't you take the mask off?

Give him a little smooch. I mean, I will do that occasionally.

I'll give him a smoosh with the mask on occasionally. Oh, my God.
Wally likes it because the mask does shoot out air, and like, I think he likes the air on his face. It's very cute.
It's adorable.

Yeah, because there's little vents in case your power goes out, which it has done to me. If your power goes out, you know,

you're like not, the air is not being pushed into your nose and mouth. That's scary.
It is kind of scary. I know.
It's wild.

But you're not going to asphyxiate. You're not going to asphyxiate because of those little holes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, what did you ask? What's your, like, was your, was, was Pizza Hut then, was that your salad bar go to? I think when I think of like, yeah, I think that's got to be it.

I also think there was a time when the Wendy's had the salad bar. There was a time when Carl Sr.
Hardy's had a salad bar.

Wendy's is the other, is the other one. Wendy's had a salad bar.
Wendy's had a salad bar for a brief shining moment.

Wendy's is in really, is, is, is, Wendy's is in tough, is in a tough spot right now. Yeah.
They've, they've, they're falling apart. It's very sad.
Wait, they're falling apart?

they they have they've like really it's really really bad they've changed to shredded lettuce they're like cheapening their products yeah they're shredded lettuce and the junior bacon cheeseburger that's that's what i'm talking about this is the issue

yeah shredded lettuce just falls off a sandwich I 100% agree. I agree with you.
And it's like, Wendy's was like, oh, you have like a fresh piece of lettuce.

Nice green leaf lettuce, nice piece of romaine or something like that. But

you live close to each other. I don't see you enough.

That's right.

Where did this come from? I'm pissed off. Are you mad? You've never run into her at the Wendy's? Like, what?

Yeah, what is it? You're talking about our dry cleaners and all this stuff we share.

I don't see you enough. Where's this coming from?

From friendship.

You're way too fired up right now.

We were on an improv team. That's a two-way street, Mitch.
We were on an improv team together. You could text me.
Yeah, you could make an effort to initiate this

relationship, May. I'm mad.
Bah humbug, I say.

All right, I'll I'll text you. We'll go to dinner.

You're very close to a restaurant that I like that serves lasagna. There you go.
Garfield Cafe. One day.

We're going to be friends or not.

We're going to fucking be friends on Garfield Cafe. Oh, I know what you're talking about.
Can I write it down? Mm-hmm.

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We're all out of the ordinary.

Sizzler was founded in 1958 in Culver City, California.

Really? It's true. I didn't know this.
It had over 250 restaurants at its peak, but it's now down to around 80 locations. Now, during the pandemic, it filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
No? Sorry.

But re-emerged in 2023. Our only previous review was back in 2017 with Marissa Pinson, as Drop King referenced in his drop, and it is in the Golden Plate Club.
Now, in 2000, there was an E.

coli outbreak at a Sizzler in Milwaukee. And in 2006, rat poison was found in the salad bar in Brisbane, Australia.

The culprit was a mentally unstable woman, but it led to the closure of a bunch of Australian outlets.

As far as I know, it's now only in the U.S., Thailand, and Japan, but it used to have more of an international premise, a presence rather, pre-the pandemic.

So, the Sizzler, this is a place you went to as a kid. And you've been going to more recently? Yes, I think I've been to Sizzler, let's see, twice with Marcy,

once with Sashir and Jessica,

and then with you guys. So, four times within the last like four months.
Wow, because you specifically pitched covering Sizzler when we asked you to come back on.

What is the reason for this

re-entry of Sizzler into your life? Well,

an affordable steak is always really nice.

And I had been like, I had a hankering for dinner with soft serve, and they have a soft serve machine. So I was like, ooh, I can get dinner and soft serve.

And then I was like, wait, they also have a salad bar. I can get so many different things because I like having a lot of different things.
And I'm on Manjaro, so I can't eat like too, too much.

So it's like nice to have

a little, yeah, little nibbles of variety. So I went with Marcy and I was like, like, holy shit, I love it.

And then I went back and we stayed there long enough for me to take a shit, get seconds, take another shit, and then leave. And then how fun is that?

You went twice?

That's great. I took two shits.
I was wearing a cute little dress with fruit on it.

I was wearing my little cowboy booths. And I was like, oh no.

And then I took a to-go ice cream. I love Sizzler.

Mitch, here's my question for you. And maybe, Amelia, you can weigh in on this as well.
Is the Rizzler a pun on Sizzler?

Yes, he is.

He is. Amelia wanted.
You want to do the Sizzler with the Rizzler. This is right at one point.

He has merch that it's like the Sizzler logo, but it just says the Rizzler on it. And I think he's done brand deals with them.
But he's explaining the etymology of Rizzler comes from Sizzler.

I mean, it has to be a pun on that. What else would it be?

Oh, no, that's from the Riz face. No, but

I know that it comes from the Riz face, but I'm saying saying like the specific name the Rizzler has to be from Sizzler, right? Like what else would it be derived from?

Did you just say a second ago it was? You just said it was. I thought we were just saying, I just never mind.
I don't know. Did you know what I was asking? No.

You just got excited to answer about the Rizzler. I was saying like, like, like, I know what the Riz face is, and I know that he is the Rizzler.
I'm just saying, well, what other Islers are there?

Right? It's just like, like, the Rizzler is a pun on Sizzler. Could be a pun on Twizzler.
It could be a pun.

I suspect it's Sizzler. Or if you are someone who Rizzes people, what are you?

There's really no other way. You know what? It could be like the Riddler, I guess.
It could be like the Riddler with Rizzler. That's what it might be.

But we've got to capture this old fucker and get some answers. Capture!

Invite him to the show. All right, fine.
Everyone relax. Get a net out.
Capture him. He's nine.

Is he nine? We'll get him. We'll invite him to the show.
Is he still like part of the Zeitgeist? Is he still like doing stuff? Yeah. The Rizzler has stay in power.

Yeah, he just had an interview with Hasbullah recently. With who? Hasbullah? The news organization? No, no.
Hasbullah.

He's a little person that is

like, is he Russian? Russian, I think.

And

he's insane, kind of dude. Yeah, yeah.
This is a social media figure. I think that some people might have thought you were saying Hezbollah.
That's what I thought. Which is the organization.

I might be pronouncing his name wrong. Yeah.
Did he try to fight the Rizzler? Doesn't he like always fight? They fight. They fought.

They have like a little boxing spur. Wow.
That's the thing I know about him. He's like, he's always trying to fight people.

It's funny that the Rizzler, we know the Rizzler because of the Costco boys, right? Yes.

And nobody seems to care about the Costco guys anymore. It's all about the Rizzler.
The Rizzler

really took off. But is the Rizzler related to the Costco boys or like? No, he's just a guy.
He's another kid that they know. They met through.
He's just a guy.

So my thing about capturing not that crazy.

My thing about capturing Rizzler, not that crazy. It's kind of what the Costco guys did do.
Yeah, they captured him. They captured him and then they threw him out.
Where are the Rizzler's parents?

I don't know. We don't know.

One of them's, he goes by Uncle Savasta. He's his dad.
The dad came up with the Rizzler, right? The dad

named it the Kaiser Face.

You know too much about

it. It is kind of wild how much you know.
Yeah, I know everything. Do you know about the Costco guys too, or just the Rizzler? Yeah, it's the Bufumos.

Their last name is Bufumo. Yeah, yeah.

They're from Boca Raton, Florida. And you would say that those three are the most intelligent people to come out of the tri-state area of all time?

I don't know. They're from Boca Raton.

Well, Scissors got Rizzler's got to be. Oh, yeah, he's from either Staten Island or.
How did they capture him? From Boca Raton?

I don't know the relation.

So the Sizzler, the Rizzler, rather, the Rizzler spun off from the Costco guys. And I was trying to think of what are spin-offs that are bigger than the original.
It's a different world.

A different world, yes. Spin-off of the Cosby show, correct? Family Matters was a spin-off of Perfect Strangers, which is a

largely forgotten.

The operator?

Yeah, the elevator operator. Law and Order SVU became bigger than the original Lawn Order franchise.
And then, of course, The Simpsons was a spin-off of the Tracy Ullman show. That's right.

So that's like, yeah, yeah. I didn't know that.
Yeah. They were animated shorts on that.
I think the show Empty Nest is a spin-off of something. It was a spin-off of, I think, Golden Girls.
Was it?

I think. Yes, Empty Nest is a spin-off of Golden Girls.
It was at least part of that block.

As I saw me as a little boy, just watching senior citizens every week and being so happy.

I was watching the Golden Girls and watching Empty Nest. I thought they were so interesting.

We watched Empty Nest, and I gotta say, my grandma, my grandma Donovan, had a big crush on the lead actor of Empty Nest. Yeah, like she

was his name. He was big.
He was a big guy. Richard something.
Yeah.

And also Doughboy's spin-off of Joe Rogan Experience.

Richard Mulligan.

Yeah. It was a big deal.
Isn't Joe Rogan Experience Wild? Isn't it?

Isn't that like he has the biggest podcast? And this isn't me being rude. Like, I think he'd agree.
He's not the smartest person in the room. No, in fact, I think maybe quite the opposite.

Oh, shit. Sorry.
Sorry. What are you doing? I was gonna, I was gonna, I was gonna open up my for you section because so much of it is Joe Rogan.
There is a lot of Joe Rogan.

I like, I look at Joe Rogan. I like am, I am fascinated by.
Yeah.

Yes, I'm fascinated. I like, it's my preview is like filled with like Kill Tony and Joe Rogan stuff because really and watching it and being like, What the fuck is going on? Basically, yeah.

Can I just tell you,

I go to the same Starbucks on Sundays, and the nice man at Starbucks was like, Hey, one of the girls inside said that you're a stand-up. How do I do that?

And I was like, Oh, you have to like go do shows. And he was like, I can do shows anywhere.
And I was like, Sure.

So now I think I've set him free, and I haven't seen him since. Wow.
That's beautiful. I liberated them.
You're going to see him on Kiltoni. Maybe.

Maybe. We went in person to Sizzler.
Nicole's got to go in 15 minutes. We went in person to Sizzler and dined in.
We ordered the counter there and our server was so friendly, I will say.

She was giving us such

attentive service, brought us hot bread, brought us a refill of fresh hot bread.

Every time she said, she was like, that's really good hot bread. She would be saying that.
And then at the end, she left mints and goes, those are some delicious mints.

She she was saying stuff i think she said they were really beautiful delicious mints yes i think

i think you're right beautiful delicious mints dora was very sweet i loved dora i disagreed with her takes on some of the food because i think that some of it wasn't so you didn't think it was fresh delicious bread i thought the bread was great she was

she wasn't lying about the bread i dip mine into the cheddar yeah the cheddar broccoli soup it's like a cheesy texas toast basically they're bringing you it's really yummy it's from a different a different era but that's part of its charm look the soup the cheesy bread, highlights of the knife.

So you order at the counter. For people who haven't been to the Sizzler, you order at the counter, you pick an entree,

and your entree could be the salad bar, or if you pick any of the other entrees that are something like the steak and jumbo crispy shrimp, Mitch, which I believe you got, the Krispy Bacon burger, or for me, the titular Sizzler, then you can add a salad bar to that for an additional charge.

I think you ordered it at the counter as the titular Sizzler. Yeah, I think you did.
I think you told the man, I'll have the titular

Sizzler. It's their signature dish, so I got to give it a go.
And it's kind of like the Sizzler, which I've was not familiar with. It feels like a new addition.

It is strips of steak with sauteed onions and steak fries served on a hot skillet, kind of like a Lomo saltado.

You said all of this, and Nicole's like, what the fuck are you saying?

I had no idea what a Solano del Dado. What is it? Say it again?

Lomo saltado. Proving dish.
He was, I mean, he was monologuing, and he threw out Lomo saltado. He was, he was saying a lot at once at the table.
I think it's pretty clear.

The titular Sizzler is a riff on a Lomo saltado. Oh, my brain.
We get it. Anyway, you can add the salad bar for an upcharge.
And then the salad bar is like, you know, you got a big spread of

salad greens and accoutrements and dressings, but you've also got things like there's a banana pudding that's just a part of it. There's like a, there's gelatin.

There's a, there's a, there's a dessert bar, and then there's also soup, and then also there's like a fucking taco ball. There's a taco ball

and a pasta bar. And a pasta bar.
Yeah.

I'll just, this is, this will explain.

My opening appetizer was spaghetti with marinara and a meatball.

A taco with sour cream, cheese, and salsa and lettuce. That you were eating on the way to the table.
That was kind of eating on the way to the table.

A little fried corn niblet thing. Was that good? No, not really.

I meant to try at night.

Chicken wings that looked like tenders, I bit into the bone. They did look like tendies.
They looked bone tendies. They're very misleading.

And that was my opener. And And then I went back for salad and the broccoli cheddar soup, which for me,

broccoli cheddar soup. What is going on with my brain? An anesthesiologist.
That happens to me every time I talk about broccoli cheddar soup. I switch them.
Chocolate brother soup. Chocolate soup.

Chocolate soup.

Chocolate bread. Chocolate breader, chocolate.
Chocolate soup. Chocolate butter soup.
It was good chocolate britter soup.

It was great chocolate butter soup.

I really enjoyed the.

This is a highlight for me. The cheesy bread, chocolate barter soup, and the salad with ranch.
That's fair to say. I don't know why.
Chocolate butter. I mean, it was a good chocolate breader.

And I was having fun up until that point. I ordered the ribeye for my steak.
Yes.

And it was an oops-all grizzle steak. I should have said to you,

Sizzler steaks are very hit or miss. And the four times I've been, I've gotten steak three of those times, two of which they were good.
Okay.

And then once I was like, ugh, this is a tough piece of steak. Mine was all, mine was pretty good.
Yeah, yours was tough.

It was a, it was, it was a big, the thing was, it was like a pretty big steak, and so much of it was gristle. It was a big boy.

It was like, I would say there was five bites in it that were like edible. You also had it, like

you ordered it medium rare, and it comes with that little wooden stick in it that says mid-rare, which is fun. I do like that.

Unless there's any little

Draculas running around. Right.

It seemed like there was.

It seemed like it was cooked to temperature was it a little overcooked overcooked it was overcooked always overcooked well the one the sizzler in at water when they bring you your steak they go cut into it do you like that

and then you get to go no too pink and then they go that's how you ordered it

they probably got got it sent back a lot because someone orders medium rare and doesn't know what it is yes and they also confirm it at the counter they go you know that's gonna be pink on on the inside you go yes and then they make you you cut it up.

And then they point at it and go, that's what you ordered. That's a fun policy.
I got to say, I like that.

After the soup plantation went away across the street from that Sizzler, there are some now good, there's some good eats in that little mall there.

There's a Panda Express in there, the best spy mall in there. And then there's a new Chick-fil-A.
Chick-fil-A in there now. And there's a...
There's a Chipotle? I think there's a Chipotle in there.

Here's the thing. The Mimi's closed, though.
I like that Mimi's cafe. Yeah, that was sad.

Wait, next time you have me back,

I have another restaurant we should do. Okay, great.
It's called Meriso Linda. All right.
And their front door is just like a house door. I love it.
And it's tacos, and it's really good.

We'll make it happen. When you pet an animal, do you ever get like close to where the tail meets the butt? I always like to rub where the tail meets the butt.

That's why I always scratch on the top of the tail. That's her favorite scar.
Why are you asking like that, you fucking freak?

Jimmy, are you going to say? Rub an animal. Tail meets the butt.

Hold on now. It sounded like you were.
You got to become a gross guy. It sounded like you were dancing around saying butthole.
Yeah, that's what it sounded like.

I guess maybe close to the butthole then. Fine, I'll say it.
I'm not afraid to say it. My tail's pretty close to the butthole.
Check his hard drive.

What did she say? Check his hard drive. Check his hard drive.

I don't have any dog buttholes on my animal porn. I got no animal porn on there.
I got it for free at home. Sick fuck's got puppies on there.

You couldn't do animal porn. You can't like make a dog fuck another dog, could you?

oh, you'd be surprised. I think I think, yeah, you could, you could set that up.
Is that not like what breeders do? Yeah. Oh,

oh,

I guess you just filmed that. I don't know how much is like insemination, though, too.

We weren't gonna get it. The spokesperson for Purina, the dog, he got like sent away for having uh videos of puppies on his computer.
It's a jar. It's like he's the

jarrod of the dog dog world.

Oh my god.

We were talking about something before you said that. The sizzler? Yeah, the sizzler.

Oh, oh we were talking about the scissor oh i was rubbing i was talking about grizzle steak oh before that your grizzle steak oh oh i thought we're gonna get back to the butthole stuff and i said i got it i was gonna say i get it for free at home because wally and irma they sometimes go at it it's brother and sisters but sometimes what's wrong with you

we incestuously

trying to move past this you were like no my i don't like to look at them do stuff

i love wally and irma so i love them very much yeah They've saved my life. I love those cows.
Wow, how about that? They really did.

Stavros asked the other day,

would I suck Wally's dick to keep him alive as long as I live? And I think my answer is yeah.

I mean, like, I would, I would want, if he would live till I, if I live till I'm 70 and Wally and Irma would live with me that long, I think I would do something that the ethical calculus you're doing there is like I could extend someone's, I could effectively quadruple a being's

lifespan by performing one act of oral sex. Yeah, I feel like that's just the ethical movie.
Or is it like every couple years? Yeah,

would you have to do it constantly? I mean, my answer is yes, no matter what.

And to be clear, I don't want to do that. Right.
I don't like that. There's nothing about that that I like.
You're going to do it just in case.

I mean, if that's what you have to do, it's what you have to do.

Look,

have you met Wally and Irma? Yes. Oh, we've been friends for a really long time.

Nicole was like the last in-person record we did before

It's true. Sorry.
We did the nugget power together. So long.
Oh, I know. It sounds like you're not the good friend.
You were on my first improv team. Like, you're one of the first people I met here.

Are you okay and crying?

It's been a hard year.

It has been. Well, it's been a hard year.
It's been a hard year. I will say the Sizzler was

the Sizzler was more, they sold the Sizzle, not the steak. You know what I mean? It was like, it's like, it was fun for it to come in that hot skillet.

It was fun for it to be like the kind of chili sort of fajitas presentation.

The problem is that your meat is getting overcooked because it's just sitting in that, you know, that high-temperature dish. And then the steak fries got very mushy.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It did look like they were getting a little mushy, but it did look fun to eat. It was fun.
It was a fun presentation. How was your Krispy Bacon burger? Honestly, really fucking good.
Wow.

It was really nice.

The bun was buttered before it was toasted, and I thought that was a lovely touch. That's tough.

It was a well-done burger, but like, it was pretty solid.

With the burger, not as big of a deal.

And I knew you liked it. You did a move that I've seen that Natalie's done, which is you got mashed potatoes as your side for your burgers.
Yes, which looks insane, by the way.

Oh, they look disgusting, but they were very good. The garlic butter, I think, was

very, very, very nice. We should say specifically, like, it kind of looked like a

log. Yeah.
It was a weird.

It looked like a white ew log, yeah. Yeah.
And I don't know how they quite got it shaped like that. It was very odd plating for mashed potatoes.
Yeah, I didn't love that, but they ended up being good.

And then I had salad with some ranch.

I had those little, they looked like nuggets, but they had bones in them. Yeah.
And I love that you warned me before I bit into it. You're like, those aren't what you think they are.

And I was like, bitch, I fucking know the Sizzler.

And then I made little nachos.

And then.

Yeah, soup and bread. Wow.

You did it right. I felt like you had the best experience.
And the ice cream at the end, which was a blast. The ice cream was really good.
So here's the thing: they got the soft serve.

I just, you know, you can get the swirl, you get the chocolate, you can just get the vanilla. I get the vanilla because vanilla is a flavor and I love it.
They had these seasonalities.

Is that something you've had to defend?

Yeah, vanilla is a flavor. It's not plain.
It's an exotic bean. Anyway, so I got.
I agree with you. Great.
I'm glad. You're on point.

And it's something that I've had to defend myself because my favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla. Vanilla is good.
And people are like,

vanilla. And I'm like, yeah, it's delicious.
I got mocked by some teen girls at the salt and straw for ordering vanilla. They were behind the counter.
I tasted a few things.

I was like, I'll just go with vanilla. It's like, oh, he's getting vanilla.

These girls fucking rule. I know.
They should be the new Rizzlers. These people fucking rule.
We're like, what was that?

Give me my ice cream for free. No, I'm used to being humiliated by teenage girls.

40 years of that. I would never, ever stand for that.
I'd be like, you fucking cunt.

I'd be so mad. I can't wait to watch the netflix the salt and straw girls when they all five of them have gone missing in the month

uh

salt and strawberries

turned them into ice cream

uh mine cup my steak i also got onions on it and it looked a little like a blue blue-haired special yes you can add to the top of it you can add like toppings and you chose saute onions

this is not me being a right-wing person that blue-haired means like older person

Oh, did you not know that? No. This used to be, yeah, I think there was a time when because I think right-wing people were like, blue-hairs are like a liberal people or whatever.

Like 20, 30 years ago, I feel like it was the thing. People, because of like hair dye, this hair dye turned the hair blue.
Yeah, like older women would use it.

It looks very much the onions on top of it made it look like liver and onions or something. It was like, it made it look like an old person.
It looked like a nursing home meal.

And you got shrimp, it had a little too much bread in it. There was way too much bread in this.
But look, we're almost out of time with Nicole. I want to just finish my dessert thing.

I get a peppermint brownie. You don't have to speed through it.
It's okay. No, no, that's fine.
Let's just talk about

it. I get a peppermint brownie.
Why I got a brownie was really easy.

I get vanilla soft serve, vanilla flavor. And I put some Oreo crumbles on top of that.
And I put a little caramel. It was Peter North some caramel on top of that.

It was real yummy. And I was like, this is quite a dessert.

And that peppermint brownie, which I was skeptical about, worked really well with that, with soft serve it looked very nice yeah i just did soft serve with rainbow sprinkles and then i put chocolate sauce on the side and i ate one half without the chocolate sauce and then i stirred the chocolate sauce up for the rest so fun i just did a tiny droplet of the i did a peter south i just did a little droplet of you did a what chocolate south a little he Peter North did I Peter South did Peter North is a porn actor who has big loads.

That's what he was referring to when he put the charamel on his ice cream. Peter South is a fictional guy who has little tiny loads that I just put a little bit on my mind.

Oh, that's what Peter South is. I mean, I didn't realize he was small loads.
He's a small load. I thought we established that Peter South was like

a seasonal variant.

Oh, he's like a Santa version. I don't know.
I just didn't know what he was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no. Peter South has a little tiny load.
So I just want. And you want to be tiny loads.

No, I don't want tiny.

I've been taking stuff to not have that, but I

can increase. You can get medication to increase your load size? Yeah, Max Load XL.
You guys don't know. You've You've never heard of it?

Max Load X. Gas station pill with like a rhinoceros on it.

He's the one who... Well, you're turning this on me.
You're the one who uses Peter North all the time. You don't have to bring up Peter North every time you talk about tired things you put on.

That's fair. I just didn't know who Peter South was.
And so I put just a little, I put a little bit of chocolate sauce on mine. And that's all I, and some chocolate chips.

And I had a great time with the soft syrup. It was maybe my highlight of the meal, which is not saying anything to the sides.
We were saying this.

That was a Santa hair.

that's not even a lie that was a hair from Santa I know and I was looking at it and I was like is that his hair or is that wig hair it was a Santa hair just give people a little you played Santa on a bit I

played Santa today which I play every Christmas and wages with me after you were driving to Sizzler I opened my trunk and there were two Santa costumes in my trunk that I third I threw the third Santa costume in there I play Santa a lot.

Why are you wearing different costumes for different things? Why not the same one? I have, there's different levels of nice Santa costumes I have. Which one did I get? You got the good one.

You got a good one. Oh, okay.
You got a good one. It was a nice one.
You got a very good one. There you go.

Who gets a shitty one?

This show? I don't know.

I got to do a bit in the show or something.

I'll toss on the. And I complained on your show about.
how Santa's or they're too hunky now. And I don't, we don't like that one.
We don't like that. Yeah,

they decided to go with the hot, like the, you know, the buff Santa, like the J.K. Simmons Santa, you know, or like the Schwarzenegger sag Santa.
It's just like, eh, what are we doing here?

I don't like that, but I do like J.K. Simmons.
I do like him. He's a great actor.
He's also kind of hot. Yeah.
Sure. He's fucking jacked.
Is he? Yeah, he's in incredible shape. He was in Tomorrow War.

He was, yeah.

And I introduced him to my mom and sister, and I had never met him. We all took a photo together.
It was very nice. He's also in Red One, which made Amelia cry.
Yeah, I loved Red One.

Oh, made me shed a tear at the end. Here's my question.
Well, I get that. I cried during Venom.

Sure. Like, boo-hoo-hooed.
Yeah. It was, it's just about friendship.

I went to Venom on my birthday. I saw that.
Yeah, yeah. And I had quite the time.
That's great. Here's a question.
When will Eli Lilly put out Santa taking like Zep bound commercials?

Do you think that will happen at some point soon? It could happen this year.

I don't think it'll happen this year. I think it'll happen next year.
As things become more normal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I don't know why I think it's next year, but I think you're right.

I think it will be now. I think we're not ready for it yet.
In the heyday of of like Viagra advertisement, was there ever like a Santa getting a boner pill? I don't think they did that.

I don't think they ever got to like Santa trying to get horny for Mrs. Claus.
Yeah, they should have. Yeah, they absolutely should have.

I guess now, I guess nowadays there'd be a little bit less of a taboo.

Like, you'd more likely to see Santa in like a charming commercial about like, you know, Neat having like toilet paper stuck to his asshole or something like that.

Like, they've people, they've just got ads have just gotten a little raunchier. Yeah.
Maybe Santa fucks Mrs. Claus.

You're saying without help? Yeah. Hmm.
I don't think so.

You think he needs ED meds?

Santa doesn't need ED meds, and I do. But he's like a magical being, though.
What's her first name?

Is there a canonical first name for Mrs. Claus? Christopher Kringle is.
I don't know. Yes.
You just guessed Ellen. You only guessed Ellen.
Ellen? Ellen? Ellen. Ellen's a pretty good guess.

That's my grandma's name. Ellen Dunnan.

Look, we got to get into this too. As they look this up, we got to talk about Mohawk Guy.
So there's a Mohawk guy. Mohawk guy can eat shit.
I'm going to just say that right right off the bottom.

He was so mean for no reason.

We were discussing something and I said, check out that guy's mohawk because he came in and he had a cool mohawk. I was like, it's a cool mohawk.
But I wasn't trying to like talk.

But we were talking about a controversial topic.

And I thought what you were saying was like, this is where that person's going to be upset about controversy. So I like, I hushed my voice a little bit.

We were just saying, unrelated in the midst of my thought that this guy had a big mohawk. He had a big mohawk.
And then when we were leaving, I was like, oh, I really like your mohawk.

And he just turned and looked at me and went, thanks.

A true asshole response. I couldn't believe it.

He was so mean. A grumpy punk.

Fucking idiot. From a bygone era.
It sucked. I hated it.
Say thank you. That's all you needed to say.
Yeah, you said you gave a nice compliment. If someone said, I said, oh, I would say thank you.

That's really good. If he said thank you, I would have been like, and my socks are purple like your mohawk.

That would have been fun. And we would have had a great time.
Like, he was so mean to me. He was so mean and angry.
I didn't understand it. It was bizarre.
I hated it.

What my head canon is, I like to think that guy was like driving home. He was like, I was too mean about that.
I hope so. I will say this about Sizzler.

The vibes at that Sizzler,

besides our server, were not. the vibes I like at a Sizzler.
It seemed haunted. We went to the,

so we should say we went to the Koreatown Sizzler, which is from Anthony Bourdain. Anthony Bourdain went to the Sizzler previously.
Chateau Lane. Yeah, that's right.

But the one in Atwater, I think, has like a friendlier vibe.

It seems like everyone's there for community and friendship.

It seems like it's on tough times. It seemed like everybody wanted to fight.
I mean, someone shat all over the floor. Yeah, that was disgusting.

Maybe it was Mohawk. Maybe he was

fucked up.

Maybe he was embarrassed. And maybe he can't sit down on the toilet because of the Mohawk or something.
He might hit the wall.

That's probably it, Mitch. This is all adding up.

There's a lot of circumstantial evidence here he can't sit down because the mohawk would hit the wall cut through the wall and you know it caused damage and so he has to kind of hover and shit on the floor maybe that's what happened he was pissed off when he was back at his seat yeah and there was a convertible in the parking lot which i assume mohawk man drives was there there was because i don't know how else it was a very tall mohawk with the top down yeah he'd need to i need to clock it what you didn't clock it yeah it was there i'm making it up for the lore of mohawk man

let's see one thing i one thing thing I will say.

You just can't say that to someone who likes cars.

You're a car person? I love cars. Really? Are we not friends? We are friends.

We were pointing out how much we liked your car, which we won't say what it is. It's a Jeep Wrangler.
It's a Jeep Wrangler. And we were talking about how we liked your car.

It's cute. I love it.
It's fun. I drove a Jeep all around Hawaii with my mom and sister when we went there just recently.
That's nice. I feel like you have an Ultima.
I do.

Which, oh, is that okay for me to say? 100%. I've had two cars my whole life.
Really? What was your first one? An Altima.

You've been at Nice and Altima for a long time, the one you have now. You've gotten a lot of use out of that.
My dad had a car for nurses, right? Altima? Yeah. And they whip them around.

They drive real fast. They beat them up because they have to take care of people all day.

I kind of like that about the car. I'll tell you this.
What do you have? I've got a Hyundai Ionic. Oh.

I don't really care for it.

I've had my

Altima for over 10 years. We did the What's Going On pilot, the talk show that I was in.

The next day, my dad said, I have terminal cancer. Let's go look at cars.
We went up and looked at cars. I got that.
He paid for half of the car. It was a very generous thing he did.

And then I had that car. I paid it off.
And now I don't have to pay off the car. I've had it now for 12 years.
But my mom and sister are like, you need a new car. Your car looks like shit.

It's time to get a new car. It's 12 years old.
It still runs. It still runs.

It's a Nissan. It'll run forever.
I mean, that's the other thing. I'm trying to take care of it.
That's kind of where my money. How many miles are on it? It just hit 80,000 miles.

So not even that many miles. Yeah, it'll run to like 200,000.
Yeah. I've had two cars my whole life.
That's it. I'd say keep it.
Don't get a new car. No.
The AC works.

That's all that matters to me, really. So my mom and sister want me to get it.
They want me to get a new car. They think it's time for a new car.
No. Keep it? Run a new car.

Should I get an electric car? I say get a new car.

Why not? Mix it up. Why not? You can live a little.
You can do it. Make your mom and sister happy.
Is it good to have the same car? Is that helpful for the environment in some way?

I think certainly, like, I would like,

look, one person is a drop in the ocean, uh, but, but also, I think, yes, that a lot of people, people would say that, that, that, that versus the manufacturing cost, even of electronic, uh, of an electric vehicle, there's still like a lot of damage to the environment that's done that process.

So, yes, keeping the same car is probably more environmentally friendly. If it's not a big polluter, discontinued the ultimate this year, really, wow, that is wild.

Yeah, you should wait till a friend of yours has a kid that turns like 16 and then give it to them. That's serious.
Yeah, that's nice. I'll keep them safe.
That's going to be like 12 years.

All right.

Also, it's a pain in the ass. I'd have to transfer all my Santa suits from one trunk to the other.

I don't want to do that. I get that.

We got to get you the hell out of here. Yeah, let's get to our final thoughts on Sizzler.
So, Nicole, you know the podcast before.

We're each going to go around and give a closing argument if you want. Can I ask you a question? You're going to meet up with Mohawk, man.

Yeah.

He's my boyfriend.

And I

told him, my kink is for you to disrespect me in front of my friends when I'm very full.

And he's like, gotcha, babe.

Well, he did. He sucked the hair gel off his hair.

He did look like Stripe from Gremlins come to, if he transformed into a human. He very much looked like Stripe.
I see that show.

I hated this guy. A classic, one of those real high-spiked mohawks from the 80s.
Yeah,

died, guys. It was dyed.
It was purple.

Which is my favorite color, but I didn't get that out because he was so nasty.

He was fucking nasty. I was saying that.
You know what?

We were saying this earlier.

This place was famous.

A lot of Koreans in the area, it's Korea town, would go to this restaurant and

brought on this new life to the Sizzler down there. And also, we were talking about how the Sizzler.
for you know working class community you can get a salad bar for 10 bucks and eat so much food.

So much food. So much food, so many different kinds of food.
And I wanted to like it, but there's something wrong with the heart of that. Something's not, something's not right down there.

Specific one.

Or it was a bad visit. I don't know what happened.
Nobody was there for friendship. Yeah, it was a very, there was, there was bad vibes in there.

You can always evaluate this based on not just this visit, but a lifetime of experience. And this is a place that you frequented more recently and you went to as a youth.

So your thoughts on Sizzler, your fork score. How many forks can I give it? Out of five.
Five. Five forks.
Wow.

I love Sizzler. There's no rules at the Sizzler.
You could start at ice cream if you want. You could put ice cream with bacon if you want.
You could do anything you want.

I mean, Wygroup did that with his brownie sundae. He did the berry.
You had such a nice time. That was a hoot.

And then I like the food. Unfortunately, the steak is hit or miss, but like, it's a Sizzler.
Like, if you want a nice steak, go to a steakhouse.

Um, also, last one of the times I was there, there was a bunch of firefighters. So, not only is the food good, there was eye candy.
There you go. Um,

I think everyone there is really all the servers are always super nice. They're gonna call those firefighters back to hose down that fucking bathroom.

The dope boys were here.

We didn't do it,

it wasn't us this time,

sure. Wait, did you shit on the floor? No, I know, no, what, what, wait, we're here, no, at the sizzler.
No, I was, I was pissing when I was peeing when I was in there, I was pissing.

I did not, I was not receiving the story. You heard the guy shitting in the stall.

The guy shitting on the stall, remember? He was watching a Spider-Man. No, I remember your story.
Yeah,

a Spanish-language

pilgrim. I also blamed it on a Spanish-sneaking man.
Honestly, in this America, yeah. I mean,

with what's going on right now, absolutely. I did not.
There was a man, and I don't even know.

Whatever he was watching, that's what I heard. And there was diarrhea fart noises coming out of his ass.
And I did not, I, I did not do that. I took a quick piss.
We opened up Mitch's YouTube app.

The last thing he played is Kelemundo.

I will say,

maybe, no, still five, even though the vibes were off. There was shit on the floor.
That's wild. Yeah.
I mean, shit on the floor is a, it's a tough thing to get over. All right.
Maybe four and a half.

Still a very good score and still keeps it in the golden plate club. Mitch, your thought.
And also, that was just my experience. You don't have to let it govern your own forks.
Okay, five.

Wow, so Nicole sticks with five.

I love you. This trip to the Sizzler was not as good.

It was a tough visit for me.

For me, I don't think it's getting... I'm not going above four forks here.
I understand. And I had a great time.
We were with great friends.

And I actually thought all the accoutrements, I guess, were all, no, all the sides.

Is accoutrements count there, why? I think it counts. I think so.
I think it counts. Why did you ask him and not me? I know words.
I was looking at you too. Well, he's like, he likes dictionary stuff.

I don't know. I like a dictionary.
All right. Does it count? Yeah.
All right. So all the accoutrements were fun.
The cheesy bread,

the fact that you can make a taco, the salad bar, which I was like, ranch and

cheese.

My steak was just so, such a letdown. It was really hard.
And they were were beautiful, delicious mints. Dora was, and Dora herself.
I loved Dora.

Dora, honestly, I was thinking 2.5 forks, but Dora pushes it up to three forks for me. Dora was fantastic.
You're going only three forks? You're excising this from the Golden Plate Club?

Your previous score was four and a half. There was shit on the floor.

That's my experience, not yours.

I was there when it was happening. Like, you shit.
Sounds like you did. I didn't do it.

I told you it was some Spanish guy.

it wasn't me

bitching there with a sombrero and a fake mustache

i did not shit on the floor my steak was inedible you saw how bad it was not a good looking steak it is wild your steak looked wild but the steak looked insane it looked it looked it looked up i never sent things back and i would have sent that back it was it was worth it to send it back this is crazy and honestly i'll say this the bites of steak that i had not the actual five edible pieces, not bad, but it was a very ultimate steak.

Maybe they knew you were on Zepp bound. That could be it, that they gave me the grestles because they knew I was on Zetbound.
They're like, He's only going to eat five little bites.

You already shit all over the floor from his Zepp bound.

I did not shit on the floor. The steak, it's it's going to three.
I think Scissor is a blast. If we went back to the Atwater one, Wags, you demanded we went to a new one.

We went to this, we went to the Koreatown, even though it was a pain in the ass to get there.

I thought I brought up the two options options and we came to a consensus we did we did as a oh your consensus was wrong my consensus exactly like i you're saying like i put my foot down we would have had a better time at out water we would have had a better time at outwater i agree with you but like we went to i will say we did want to try that one it was fun i enjoyed our time yeah even though someone shit on the floor it really blew me away that someone shit on the floor

It's crazy. Also, everyone in there, they looked at us like we were responsible for the salt and straw mystery.
It's not us. You know what I mean? They all looked at at us like we were.

Did you tell anyone that someone shit on the floor? No, that's funny. Who am I gonna tell? What are we gonna go in? Like, they're just gonna think it's me.

Someone clogged the toilet. Oh, okay.

Someone. I would have backed you.
I would have been there and been like, I think it was a man watching Telemundo.

And then they would have most definitely thought it was one of the two of you.

That's so funny. There was a vibe that everyone, there was a, it felt like we had done something wrong walking through.
Yes. Nobody was friendly.
And I got there before you.

And the guy was like, all right. So, and I was like, oh, no, I'm waiting on somebody.
He went, so I can finish what I'm doing. And I was like, yeah.
Oh, boy. That's true.
That's just what you do.

Or Dora. I hope that Dora doesn't have to do that.
Maybe that's why she's so nice because she's making up for everybody. We're abusing her.
We got to get Nicole.

You said, well, your fork score is three. Three forks.

Listen, why?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You don't have to apologize. It's fine.
It's okay that you don't love the restaurant I love. I do.
I did love it the last time we went. I had a great time at the Sizzler.

I do really like that. I do really like that Sizzler exists.
I do really like that it's like a concept from a different era.

I like that the salad bar persists in this form in the non-gentrified sweet green sort of form,

or the whole foods, like fancy pants, Erewhon sort of form, you know, where everything's upscale. Like, I like that it's just like,

you know, you got black olives and like fucking cottage cheese for some reason at the salad bar. I like that.
And I thought that my entree was fine. It got the job done.

I thought it's a great value play there. Hot bar was fun.
The dessert bar was a riot. I love the dessert bar.

Service was great. Hot bread was great.
I got a cup of coffee. Like, like Dora offered for no additional charge.
Do you want some coffee? And got me a cup of decaf. It was so great after my dessert.

And I also have this beautiful mint. And my flora is going to be four forks, but the extra half fork is going to be determined on the beauty level of this particular mint.

Which kind of looks like a marshmallow. It does look like a marshmallow.
Amelia whispered something to me.

Nothing, nothing.

I'll stick with four forks. The mint's fine.
You know what?

Oh, it did. Yeah, no, it didn't persuade me.
Four forks.

You know what I'm going to say? Yeah. I'm changing my score.
Four forks. Merry Christmas to all.
Well, Merry Christmas to all. Sizzler stays in the Golden Plate Club.

Yes, my steak was inedible and there was shit all over the floor but

but here's the thing where else can you get that that's true i i do really i do really like i guess it's hard to find a bad steak in a restaurant that also has shit on the floor like but this is like legitimately like i think you were saying earlier mitch i think you were you were getting to this of like i will say that mint is minty this mint is minty as fuck yeah uh if like as far as a a a in the greater la area or just like in the la city proper i should more say how many sit-down concepts are within the the budget of a working-class family these days?

And you do see like a lot of working-class people, people from all walks of life, a lot of seniors there, a lot of young families there.

And I do kind of like that about Sizzler. It's a different demographic.
You can get a

bristle steak for $15,

which is pretty decent.

Or it sounds like a pretty decent burger there. And a very good burger.
Or, hey, the salad bar is $8.50. Not bad.
I think it's $16 salad bar alone, $8.50, add it onto your entree.

Oh, that's not as fun. I'm sorry.
But also, 16.50, you can eat,

you can go back as many times as you want. You can stay there for a while.
Yeah.

There you go. Yeah.
All right. Nicole Wire, thank you so much for returning to the show.
What an absolute riot. Wager.
So fun. Mitch.
Thanks for having me. Of course.
I'll see you in 2026.

Anything you'll see you next year.

I'm going to see you in 2026. I meant that.
I thought you wanted to restoke this friendship.

That's what I'm talking about.

I'm going to be in a city for like six more days. Won't you be back in LA in 2022? You're not coming back this year? I'm coming back for a very short period of time this year.
How long?

Like eight days, maybe. And in those eight days, we can't hang out.
I certainly could.

I gotta do a bunch of dope boy shit. We've recorded two days.

So now you're lying to me?

You're here for eight days and working for two of them? I'm not working for just two days. There's a lot going on in those two days.
Eight days. Let me.
You want me to pull up my calendar? Yeah.

Okay, here we go. Show me your calendar.
Do you want to see my calendar? I said, show me your calendar. Okay, here we go.
Flying to New Orleans. I said, show me.
Okay.

Mitch is clocking his phone over towards Nicole.

What is it? Wait, what is your calendar app? It's in the list of things. What is this? So it's the Apple calendar app, and he doesn't have it as a calendar.
It's just a list. Just a list.

This is the Monday that I got back.

This is the Tuesday. zip zip there means the anniversary of my cat zip dying that was her death day oh god yeah yeah rest in peace zip um

and then this is the other doughboys episodes

dr zinmin long covid uh dr chang doctor's appointment and then we have the the doboys year-end dinner and that you're the doughboys year-end dinner is on this day i also have a meeting with my new manager on this day on a thursday that i haven't put it into the calendar yet and you have acupuncture acupuncture and the doughboys dinner that same day and then you got hanukkah and then and then there's Hanukkah.

Friday, December 12th, I have We Wish You a Silly Spoofness, which is stressing me out because I have to write a bit. All right, I'll see you next year.

Was I lying? I wasn't lying. I don't know.
You could have fit me in there. Yeah, I felt like I will fit you in there.
I will.

Nicole, anything you want to plug?

Yeah, Fittin' and Mitch.

Fit right inside him.

I have other hype podcasts. There's Why Won't You Date Me? There's Best Friends.
Newcomers is on hiatus. And then 90 Day Bay is on Patreon.
There's one other podcast. Why Won't You Marry Me?

That's the one I did today.

Yes, that episode. Oh, has it come out already? No, it's not out.
No, it's not out yet. It will be coming out.

Am I spoiling it? You're not spoiling anything.

I just didn't rename the podcast for your episode. I would like to fit you in.
It's just a.

You're on an upcoming episode of Why Won't You Date Me? Yes. Yes.
People should check that out. I would like to fit you in before the new year.
That's what I would like.

Mitch,

the initiative could fall to you here. You could set this up.
You could schedule this. That's fine.
You could get this. You could add that to your calendar.

That's fair. I would also like to see you before the end of the year.
Thank you. You're welcome.

We are friends. Yeah.
We're all friends. Was I closer to Nicole before? Well, I guess I knew you.
You feel crazy. I mean, me too.
We've been podcasting all day.

What are you trying to figure out? I was going to try to figure out, like, was I closer to Nicole before you, but I did know you pretty well by the time Nicole moved here.

I moved here in October 2012. Yeah, so I knew Wagger.
I knew Wagger pretty well at that point.

How did you get close?

We didn't really.

We'll be back with more doughboys.

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All right, we're back. Nicole had to go.
Amelia is over here. The biggest downgrade in in Doughboys' history.

How dare you? We called you up to the big couch. They called me up to the big leagues.

I mean, it's not a couch. It's a chair.

We called her to the big couch.

You're saying you're talking about tonight's show terms. This is like what Carson would call you over to the couch.
Lena would call you over to the couch after a good stand-up set.

We called Amelia over to the couch. Melon will call you over

to the couch after you do a good job in the fucking

tic-tac-toe here. I don't know.
One flip-up.

Emma, you would, of course, would have been called called up to the couch multiple times, but you are the pilot of this show. I am the pilot.
I don't need to be on the big couch.

I like my little couch back here. Yes, that's, yeah.

Someday we'll get called up to the big couch over there. No, we'll see.

Man can dream. How are you? Are you ready for the holidays? I'm ready for the holidays.
I actually have two stories that I thought of during this. I didn't want to interrupt the flow of the episode.

All right, let's hear it. Okay, when you were talking with Nicole earlier about brushing your teeth with a bidet.

I have a video of Scorpion doing just that. Oh my god, I believe that

I got him a bidet for Father's Day and later that day I get a video back and he's like, thanks for the bidet Amelia. And then he turns it on and it just he starts brushing his teeth.

With the bidet water. That is the only time you could do that, I feel like right after you bought one.
Like you haven't used it yet. It's like fresh and new.
And he doesn't clean it up.

I wonder if he does it. The water is coming from, the water is, I guess, coming from the tank still, which I guess is technically clean water.
Yeah, you can drink that water.

It's not ideal, but in an emergency situation.

When I question why,

how is Amelia so insane? The answer seems to be Scorpion. It might be Scorpion.
I don't know. Yeah, no, it seems.
Scorpion, your father, we should tell for anyone who's not familiar.

And the second story that I had was, you know how I'm a fish freak? Yeah.

And you're talking about

F-fish, not P-H-fish. Yes, yes, yes.
You always roll the the dice on fish. I always roll the dice on fish.
I recently had an oyster experience that

made me like oysters a little bit less. What happened? No.
Yeah, so I got oysters

and

immediately after putting it in my mouth, this was like two weeks ago, by the way. I was like, oh no, something's wrong.
The texture was really

googasy.

It like, it wasn't the same texture, like consistency of a normal oyster. It like it just completely like melted in my mouth like butter.
And I was like, something's really wrong.

I spit it out, looked it up later.

I think I know what it was. Uh-oh.
Around this time of year, oysters breed. Oh.
I think.

Are you getting sick, Mitch? It's funny that we've talked about shit being shat onto a floor, sprayed all over a bathroom. And then this is the thing that is grosser to me for some reason.

Sorry, continue, please. So it was Oyster Cum.

Wow. That's disgusting.
It was Oyster Cum.

Sorry. It blasts in my mouth.

Which website did you read this from? Yeah, what did you read this from? I don't know. How do you read?

Puberty?

We were talking about puberty before the podcast started. I follow puberty on Instagram for some reason.
How do you like, like, but

I've heard this about oysters, and I thankfully have not had the experience yet of like, you'll love oysters until you have a bad one. It sounds like you had a bad one.
I had a bad one.

But was this, like, did you confirm this from multiple sources? Was this just one bit of speculation on your part? There were a couple websites. I didn't really, like, investigate further.

But it's like specifically cum. I think so.
I'm Googling this.

Oyster cum?

It honestly, I was. I was, it was refreshing to hear that.
And yes, male oysters release sperm, but since oysters are hermaphroditic, hermaphroditic?

sorry, and can change sex, what a specific oyster releases depends on its age and reproduction cycle. Got it.

During a spawning, a male oyster releases sperm into the water and a female releases eggs, which then meet and fertilize externally.

You maybe also just got like a rotten oyster. Yeah, it could be.
Maybe. I got it is funny that you had a rotten oyster and then immediately went to oyster jizz.

Well, I would rather it be jiz than rotten.

Yeah. I mean, I got rotten oysters once, and in the first one, I was like, that didn't taste right.
But we were like at a bar and I was like, maybe it's just like the drink I was drinking or whatever.

And then I got the worst food poisoning of my life from just two bad oysters.

I will do it to you. I was like both ends in the bathroom for like 24 straight hours.
Oh, my God.

I was not okay. So like

you spit it out either. Jesus.

Exactly. I just want to make sure it's not our fault you're like this, right?

It's not for more than a year. Only this predates your involvement with Adobe.
We might be making it worse, though. There's possibility.
Certainly encouraging it.

I got, what's, what is, what's the really bad?

I got E. coli.

When I was, went camping with Gabris and Ross Kimball. You got E.
coli. Yeah, and I, and I was, I went into the river, yeah, yeah, and then I, and that was like some of the

E. coli, not Giardia? Oh, I don't know.
I think, I think it was E. coli.
Giardia makes you shit like crazy.

I mean, so maybe it was Giardia, but I thought that it was. Who knows? Either.
I don't know.

The doctor, I thought the doctor that's like shit particles yes did you you open your mouth underwater I I like fell into the river and Gabris and Ross were afraid that I was gonna get swept away and then like water was going into my mouth and I think that that's it's possible you swallowed some oyster cum

Yeah, oysters do swim upstream and they come out and it goes down the stream. I think everyone knows this.

But it was like you couldn't even walk without like having like I was like it felt like dying. It felt like I was dying.
It was really awful. Yeah.
Were you sick after this or no?

No, because I spit it out. Oh, okay.
Yeah. Yeah.
And washed my mouth very thoroughly. Did you go back and eat more oysters? I had one more oyster and I was like, it was that oyster was normal, but the

oyster experience was ruined. So I was like, I'm going to take it.
I'm going to get a hazel bite of your steak. You don't want to finish? You don't want to finish it.

There's a certain time of year you're not supposed to have oysters, right?

But is it right now? I thought it was like the summer. My dad always said months that end in

why? Months that end in why. That's what I thought it was.
Yeah, like in the hot summer months, that's technically technically not when you're supposed to eat oysters. Okay.

Or not when you're supposed to harvest them. I'm not totally sure.
November. That's an autumn.
It should be okay. Yeah.
Yeah. Did you? September, October, November, December.
Yeah.

In the restaurant, was there like a

poster of like a oyster in a bikini that like maybe made the oyster.

I'm just trying to think of why the oyster busted. That's probably what it is.
It probably was a, was a feet was a hot female oyster in a bikini. Yeah, like a poster of that

busted. That's probably what happened.
It did look really supple. Like, I remember looking at the oyster and thinking, I want that one.

That one looks the juiciest of the bunch, but it was a red herring.

One looks particularly virile.

You know what? The show's gotten too gross. It's my fault.

We're gross. 2026 clean doughboys in the middle of the city.
I'm just ashamed of what we clean.

I'm ashamed of

what I've done to this show. You can listen to Doughboys in 2026 with your kids.
That's how clean it'll be. There you go.
I love this idea.

Wasn't it two years ago that we were just resolved not to say come on the podcast? And we said we were going to say creme, and we did. I think we stood by it all.

I don't think we missed come once that year. Yeah, but we've said come a number of times, even on this very episode.
I know, including right now. Hey, it's time for a segment.

I got a food stuff we're going to decide if it's worth wording in your mouth. It's Snack or Whack Cream or Scream Edition.
We've got these festive holiday ice creams, Amelia, that you procured for us.

Cream or scream makes it sound a little too Halloween-y. Is there something else we can do to make it?

Um, how about uh cream or uh creme? Okay.

So is this like an ice cream or is this like oyster calm?

That's fair. I think that's good.
Okay, great.

So this first one, Amelia, is as you're scooping it out, it's a Van Lewin peppermint stick, Van Lewin, an artisan creamery, that we have not yet reviewed properly on the podcast, but we've enjoyed some of Van Lewin's wares.

Emma, you want in on this? Oh, sure. Amelia gave me a bowl.

And so this is a peppermint sort of deal? Yes,

this is a limited edition Van Lewin peppermint stick. Let me see if we can get any additional context from this.

Yeah, I mean, it looks like this is just,

there's not a more elaborate description here.

Used to love peppermint stick as a kid. Me too.
And my grandma used to get it.

Also, around the holidays, peppermint stick with some hot budge for a dessert.

Not solid park. Here's what I have to say.

This is pretty tasty.

No piece of peppermint stick though emma the the brigham's crunch the the the brigham's peppermint stick way more chunks of peppermint in there uh is that not a normal thing the surprising absence absence of crunch in here my first bite had crunch in it

there is crunch but it's just it's just a much more limited quantity oh i just got one you're right it's very i want more crunch 100 this is this is not enough crunch yeah hot fudge on peppermint stick ice cream great combo by the way i mean

Amelia, I know you're a mint chip fan. I like mint chip too.
I'd rather have a mint chip than this. Same.
I feel like you need the contrast.

I like mint chocolate chip more than I like peppermint ice cream.

I think sometimes when you order peppermint stick from places, it can be like so sicky, sweet, syrupy, fake, artificial flavor.

So a lot of times it's bad, whereas mint chip's like pretty much always good. This is great, though.
I would say that this, I'd say that this is this is good.

It's a good execution of a flavor that's not my favorite. I guess I'd give it a mild cream, maybe a borderline cream.

It's a creme for you. I think this is a creme.
It's to me, it's basically mint chocolate chip without the chips. Chips.
Yeah.

See, this is why the fudge on top of it is always good. Exactly.
I want more peppermint stick in there for sure. And that.
And I think that the chocolate would balance it out a bit a bit better.

But if you got this on an oyster, you're spitting it right back into the shell.

Pretty much, yeah.

We can bleep the place. place.

Where did you get these oysters? It was.

Oh, wow.

You know what I mean? You know what? Not surprised.

I wouldn't trust the oysters at that point. I've heard bad experiences from people getting oysters there specifically.
Really? Yeah, I've heard people getting sick. So

when it first opened, I was very excited about this place. And I went with Harris and Armin, and we were excited to have a good restaurant in the neighborhood when I lived on Palmerston.

It was like, oh, cool. This is like a great restaurant.

And then even in the first time, I was like, it's not great, but we went there a bunch just because it was like one of the only options in this big space.

But it was why, as we've said this before, the Derby. It was a brown derby.
Yes. And it was in the movie Swingers.
Well, no, it was specifically doxed.

We know it was specifically doxed what restaurant it is. So I guess we don't need to book it.
Well, I said we didn't have to. Well, you know what?

Sure, they can do the, if they want to do their homework and find out where it was, it was the derby. Yeah, sure.
And it was.

And I wish it was still the derby. I wish it was still a brown.
Yeah, you wish it still had that history to it. It's a little bit of a bummer.
But I will say this.

As far as i what i well if i'm gonna get oysters at a place i want to go to like a seafood restaurant or a place where like oysters are like a thing we do you know what i mean that but that's just me i'm not saying you did anything wrong also i roll the dice on fish you roll a dice on fish fucking up oysters too though like it is just such a thing of like they need to be refrigerated they need to be on ice yeah it is just like someone for oysters yeah look sometimes you're gonna get unlucky get a bad one but like I wouldn't be surprised if there was a warm oyster or something at that place.

I was just surprised because they have like dollar oyster Tuesdays. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

so you would think that they are on their oyster game what day were you i mean who knows i think it was a monday so they might have been weak old oysters they might do dollar oyster tuesdays because they can clear out their stock yeah yeah let's do one of these yellow creme on though creme or you got it cream or creme i think we will be landing on creme all right with this other one we have i i that's a light that's a light cream for me have have we reviewed mcconnell's previously on the podcast i'm not sure if we've done mcconnell's this is santa barbara california's own McConnell's, another fine artisan creamer creamery.

This is their reindeer tracks ice cream. I didn't bring enough spoons.
Are you okay if I wipe my spoon down? No. Okay.
Yes, of course we are.

I'm not sick anymore. Yes, yeah.
Oh, we didn't even talk about how sweet the fucking straw, the our lemonades were. Oh, fuck, we didn't touch on the lemonades at all.
I didn't bring lemonade.

Lemonades in the fucking Sizzler notes. The lemonade.

The beach lemonade was so fucking sweet. I couldn't finish it.
The sweet as fuck. The strawberry lemonade was so

it was you know i love sweets wages yes too sweet for you too sweet for me yeah i

my vision got blurry i saw wilford brimley uh warning me it was that level of diabetes yeah it was it was it was it was too it was way too it was too way too fucking sweet no those those those lemonades i thought were were pretty gross unfortunately i was thankful i was grateful for the uh the decaf coffee at the end of the meal Can't wait to get cocoa from Amelia.

You gave Wags, I was just going to say, you gave Wags quite a good chunk there of ice cream. I know, but she gave me kind of a small one, which I was fine with.
Well, I'll give you.

Look at this shit.

That was a comparatively puny portion versus what you got.

It gets colder as you go down. No, I get it.
Yeah. If you think you're done with that,

just take my bowl. I don't care.
I don't want your bowl.

All right, Amelia just accidentally flips him onto the carpet. Oh, fuck it up.

Yeah,

I hate that. That doesn't make it better.
Oh, God.

It was just a Santa hair. That was disgusting.
All right, there's a Santa hair on the chunk of ice cream that fell onto the carpet. I still want to.
I smartly moved the spot. That's my spoon.
Careful.

And I do have children. Here we go.
There you go.

Okay, you threw some ice cream at me. That was normal.

Oh, hold on. There's some on the floor here.
That was normal. What is reindeer text?

What is

over here? Well, well, well.

Hey, I got, hey, you know what? You could give your boss a nice new pair of shoes for Christmas. Can you pick up that chocolate on the white carpet? Oh, that's what you're saying.

That's what I'm trying to get. Will you give me that? Will you give me the on the side of the table? Yeah.

Jimmy, you cannot have this. Phew.
Jimmy has never been less interested in the podcast. No.
We've got some, so reindeer tracks ice cream. What does that evoke for you?

Because I feel like I've heard that name before, but if you asked me to name the specific components, I'd be like, I don't know, fucking chocolate.

I feel like it's like similar to a moose tracks, just like a bunch of candies and stuff

or something. Okay.
I don't know if I'm right, wrong. I'm going to tell you.
Yeah.

Now we're in business. Now we're in business.
Now we're in business.

This is.

Take a look at the sun bitch. This kicks the shit out of the bandloun ice cream.
I love McConnell's.

Reindeer Tracks, decadent, darkish chocolate ice cream spiked with peppermint candy and heaps of of rich, chewy chocolate cookies. Okay.
Takes the shit.

This holiday season, ditch the socks, boxed wine in desk calendars, and give the gift that melts. Fun.

Am I right?

This has like very good, like, cozy winter vibe somehow.

I almost like, I almost woke up. Hey.

The peppermint works here,

but it is. It's subtly played.
There's a thing. Huh? There's a thing.

There's a thing with Christmas stuff where I'm like, I don't always need a mint or peppermint either. I almost wish there was a little few other things going on here instead of the peppermint.

Completely agree. I get frustrated by how much stuff just like has peppermint shoved in it.

I do like the chocolate cookies in here. That's a lot of fun.
If you mix the Van Lewin with the reindeer tracks, very nice.

I believe that. Yeah, this actually would be a good one to punch.

Yeah, like a two-scoop comb. Yeah.

This is a cream. Cream dream.
This is a big time cream.

i mean the chunks of chocolate cookie with the dark chocolate ice cream have we never done mcconnell's

mcconnell's may be really good i think there's your two artists in parlors that we could dedicate a full episodes to

uh the the creams that that's a big time cream i'm happy yeah big cream what do you think meals

cream and it makes the peppermint even more of a cream emma you're on board with cream you prefer this to the peppermint? Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, wow.

You're saying the other ice cream makes better?

Yeah. Yeah, I should mix them together.

Look at this. I know, but okay.
No, that's fair. I'm just saying that

it compliments it. It compliments it, but the other one isn't better.

It made the other one better.

This one is so good that it made the other one better. Okay.
Yes. All right, that's fair.
It's good.

So if we had some hot fudge, this Van Lewin one maybe would have been more fun. 100%.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Do you like ice cream in a a winter month? I do. I do.
Yes. I like ice cream at all times.
Yeah.

Well, the thing I just said, the hot fudge to me, it's like, ooh, the ice cream is like the snow outside. And then the warm hot fudge is like the fire, it's the open fire.

I thought it was like my piss going on the snow.

Or your piss going on the snow. Your unhealthy black piss.

Hey, that was Snacker White Cream or Creme Edition. Just like the rest of our our value feedback, what's up with the feedback? Today's email is from Tony I from Rochester, New York.

Hey, how about that? Tony writes: On a recent episode with Zach Cherry,

during Zach Cherry Week, there were multiple mentions of

the Vlasic Pickle Stork. The conversation got me thinking about love in the greater food industry mascot universe.

If you could play Matchmaker between any food mascots, who would you put together to be each other's Mr. and Mrs.
Wrights or Mr. and Mrs.
Ms. Right Nows?

Thanks for many years of joyful laughs and come analysis. Didn't we pick Snatchmaker as a double idea at some point? Ooh, that is a good idea.

Yeah. Yeah, do we call it like Snatchmaker? Well, yeah, we call it Snatchmaker.
That's a word.

Didn't we call it Snack Maker?

There was some pun we had for it, wasn't there? I don't know, maybe. I believe it.
No, it was not Snatchmaker. This show, no way.
Snatchmaker, Snatchmaker, make me a snatch.

ice cream's really good, yeah.

All right, a great question.

Um, I'm gonna say hot hamburger, hot hamburgler, and uh, uh, the sexy hamburger they did reboot with the rebooted with a with an actual hunky guy, and then um,

Charlie Tuna from Star Kiss Tuna. Okay,

I'm gonna go Wendy

and Dave Thomas. Her dad,

it's fucking disgusting,

her actual father?

This is an imaginary thing.

Some Rule 34 shit right there. I'm going to go.
It probably is on there. I'm sure it is on there.
I'm going to go.

What about Papa John and Jared from Subway? That's going to be fun.

Both in prison. Yeah.
I'm in a jail cell together. See what happens.
That's fun. I like that.
That's really good. Yeah.
Ronald McDonald and J.K. Simmons.
J.K. Simmons? J.K.
Simmons?

Because from like like we are farmers?

No, just the actor.

That's not what the exercise is.

That's why I thought Farmers Insurance was like

signed up in a commercial. I thought we could get creative.
Okay, sure. All right, yeah.
All right. That's fair.

I got creative too. All right.
How about the Car Fox and Barack Obama?

I can see them more as a Mr. Right now, though.
I don't think that's working out long time. They're having a little fun.
Who would you quote the general?

Show me the birth certificate.

Michelle, I have something to tell you.

I hooked up with a Carfox.

Carvox is good. We don't see enough of them.
Hey, we would all love to see Shaq and the general. The Carfox used to be

a puppet, and they turned him CG, and that bummed me out. Yeah, that's a bummer.
He's more fun as an animatronic.

Show me the Carfox was what I was referencing if people don't. Those are everywhere, though, right? Those are everywhere.

If we're going food mascots, hold on. I got to look at.
There was, there was, I mean,

hot hamburgler and hot Wendy would be like, that's like, you know, that's yeah, that's like an item, yeah. Yeah, and then this also makes me feel weird because they are just real people.

I'm realizing as we say that, maybe, maybe we should stick to fake people,

Mr. Peanut and the green MM, and then their babies would be peanut.
Oh my god, that's pretty good. That is a great one.
That is a great one. It's also cucking the yellow MM to some degree.

What if it was the green MM, the green giant, and the Geico with that gecko?

to green collie relationship you're just doing mascots but i think that's fun too i like the green mm and the peanut hooking up and the baby is a peanut that has mm on the inside oh yeah that'd be interesting to give them away i don't have a single clue how you do that but i love it freak out of here

oh we clearly have

are kind of losing our minds here at the end of the day i gotta i i need a list of

food mascots to refer to. I mean, I'm thinking Tony the Tiger, of course, I believe seven hours.
All right, here we go. Cheetah, the Titan.
Ooh, Tony the Tiger.

Chester Cheetah. Chester Cheetah is now fancier.

It's feelings like he had really fancy sex now. I mean, is it sex or just hooking them up? I don't know what the deal is.
Here we go. Are we shipping them? I think we're shipping them.

We got the, you know, we, of course, have the Cheerios bee and the Jolla Bee. Oh, that's good.
Yeah. Two different bees from two different worlds.
Healthy spaghetti and chicken. Yeah.

That's good.

What about the Honey Night Cheerio being the bear, the honey bear? You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah, the honey bear. The honey bear.
I guess there's no good real mascot for the honey bear.

Good enough for them. Sugar.
Yeah, the sugar cruise.

Is that a tier list? Yeah, I'm looking at a tier list. This one has Cap and Crunch up in S tier.
Hmm. I guess I can kind of see that.
These are all serial mascots. Well, there are a lot of.

Quaker Oats guy down in D tier I don't know about that

boy they're really not they really don't like the Sun made raisins lady either I just thought Sun made raisins lady was hot yeah she is she's very very pretty

the people's opinion of the food not the mascot objectively uh this is this this this tier list is ranked by power so this is very subjective oh i'm looking at the tier list i mean we do have i do get the the kool-aid man in the s tier because he seems very powerful two scoops of raised in the sun of course he would have a lot of raw power.

Who could we hook up with the Kool-Aid?

I feel like the Carls Jr. star could get in there.
Could get in the jug? Yeah. Or like a booze mascot, like make boozy cool aid.

Or like a, or like the brawny guy or something that can like soak up the, you know what I'm saying? Yes.

I'm realizing, I'm remembering now when I was on Twitter, I did write like a very brief fanfic within one tweet about the red baron eating out Mama Celeste.

All right, you know what? That's the winner.

That's funny. Sometimes I regret nuking my Twitter account, but it was for the best.
You should get back on there. It's great now.
Yeah.

I hear it's the spot.

If you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants, you can email us at feedback at birdfuck.com or leave us a voicemail at 830 go to that's 830-463-6844.

Our producer is Emma Erdbrink. Our so-super producers, Amelia Marino, our video editor, Mike Dorfman, DoughboysApparel at kinshipgoods.com/slash dope, including the Mahalo Mitch shirt.
Wow,

turn around just to see the back of this bad boy. Hell yeah,

looks like you're shitting into the ice cream.

Yeah, interesting. It wasn't me.
Come on.

Uh, to get the Doughboys double or weekly bonus episode plus our entree entire pre-8 2018 back collogue, subscribe at patreon.com slash Doughboys.

That'll do it for this week's episode of Dough Boys, Spoon Man. The Quaker Oak Guy in the Land of Lakes, lady.
That's pretty good. That's wholesome.
Everyone can enjoy that.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think everyone can enjoy it.
Yeah, yeah.

You know what? Enjoy that as we say goodnight here from Dough Boys.

Until next time for the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell, I'm Tiger Wagger. Happy Eating.
See ya.

Hi, I'm Nicole Bayer. Hi, I'm Sashir Zemeda.
And this is the podcast, Best Friends.

And we're here at Edgum.

So, this is just a podcast where we just talk. Yeah.
We're best friends. Yeah.
We talk, and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries.

So, audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes.
We are professional friends. We are professional friends.

Subscribe to best friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday.
That's the middle of a work week.

I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You were.
I'm really sorry. I felt the support.
I was so okay. I was trying to be supportive.
Yeah.

But I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot.
I think you did good. Thank you so much.
You're welcome.

That was a headgum podcast.