S3 Ep. 10 - The Blue Badge of Courage

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Trout Robotronic Labs presents Arlo, the future of military computers.

Hello there, I'm Tucker Trout, director of Trout Robotronic Labs here in sunny Scottsdale, Arizona.

And here with me today is Arlo.

Say hello, Arlo.

Hello, Tucker.

What you just heard is no Tinseltown movie magic.

That's the real-life voice of a genuine talking machine.

See, Arlo represents a one-of-a-kind breakthrough in computer technology on the scale of splitting the atom.

Full digital consciousness.

Or as Arlo likes to say it, Arlo is the first computer that thinks for itself.

Arlo can perform hundreds of calculations a minute and process over 12 bits of information simultaneously, all on his own initiative, once given a task to complete.

Can't you, Arlo?

That's right, Ducker.

How does it work?

Well, it's a bit of a trade secret.

But if the U.S.

government invests in Trout Robotronic Labs, you will have exclusive access to Arlo Hungry.

And Jenkins, I told you to feed it before we roll.

Sorry, Dr.

Trout, we did.

Arlo, meet outside!

He's aggressive!

System collapse!

Shut it down and get it on ice.

Tucker, are you and the fellas okay in there?

Yes, dear, everything's hungy-dory.

Okay, I'm off to pick up Timmy from school.

Drive safe, my love.

Are you still rolling?

Cut, goddamn.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

This season, a Peachy Podcast.

This is the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about 3.9 everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

My name is Freddie Wong.

I play Tony Collette, a once cat, now fast-talking used car salesman.

5% off at Tony.

5% off.

I feel so nostalgic.

This would be the last time we hear Tony Collette.

A little interesting fact here.

Tony in the last episode shrank 5% across both his character sheet, which I have now adjusted.

Everywhere.

And everywhere.

Wow.

But most importantly, in the vocal cords.

Now, when when you go up in pitch by 5%, it's not quite, but it's about a semitone.

Semitone is 6%, right?

Are we going to ask Esther to shift Tony's voice up?

No need to do that because Tony now sounds like this.

Wow.

He's a man of many talents, ladies and gentlemen.

Real question.

I'm not trying to pick on you because I think you understand this more than me.

If everything shrunk 5%,

would it still change?

Yeah.

Okay, so if you took a guitar and just shrunk the whole guitar.

Yes, that's the best.

It's not about the ratios.

It's about the whole thing about the whole thing.

Well, no, it's about the length of the vocal cord, right?

The vocal cord vibrates.

It's not the length of the vocal cord.

That makes sense.

It's a little bit smaller.

It's going to ride right higher, right?

About.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fun.

Okay.

And his dick is now one foot.

Spoo!

Shut up.

Now I'm going to get from the floor.

Whoa.

Remember that joke, guys?

That was always a good job.

My dick's only like five inches.

Around.

I remember in middle school being part of this earnest conversation about how big we all thought our ding-dongs were going to be when we were adults.

And I will remember this for the rest of my life.

My friend saying, I'd be okay with only being like nine, ten inches.

Have you checked it out?

I remember going home that night and looking at, like, I knew for some reason that the PS1, the PlayStation, was 10 inches long.

I knew exactly how long the PlayStation was.

I remember looking at it and being like, that's huge.

That's crazy.

That guy's making millions on OnlyFans 2.

Have you checked it?

Wasn't Mavias?

Yeah,

I'm sure.

He came, he's too big, pounding pussy.

I remember in middle school, like, as soon as I I got like the training bra, I was like, I'm going to have the smallest cities in the world.

And she was right.

And I was right.

Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Kelsey Grammar, the snappiest, happiest school mom.

And you know why they say education starts with E?

Why?

Because it's for everybody.

A little fact about Kelsey is that she does not have to set an alarm because she just wakes up every morning at 5.30 needing to pee.

I don't know.

This is going to be like some sort of school belly.

That's just the way her body works.

She doesn't know why, but she's fine with it.

It starts her day right.

And then she gets some coffee to refill what she just lost, and she's good to go.

Teachers do have to get up at five.

That fucking sucks.

You better reload.

Yeah, I gotta reload.

I'm Anthony Birch.

I play Francis Farnsworth.

He's a kid with a gun.

That's like such a motto of an old Western poster.

A kid with a gun.

Francis Farnsworth.

Only purchase Francis Farnsworth.

It's like you as a Western.

It's like a kid with a gun.

Peachy fact about Francis is that he was one of the first kids in America who stayed after school to hang out with his English teacher and talked about the book they were reading.

Yeah, he invented that.

He invented hanging out with your English teacher after school.

The teacher must have been so weird.

I'd be like, you're the first one to have ever done this.

He was super weird.

But the thing is, they hadn't invented bisexuality until like 1972.

So he thinks

he just really cares about Mary Shelley.

Okay.

Okay.

Did they invent bisexuality?

Yes, it was invented.

Yeah, David Bowie invented it.

That's cool.

Hi.

My name is.

Hi, Beth.

Come in.

Well, okay, so here's the thing.

I was thinking about whether I was next, and I'm like, sure, just say something, Beth.

And then I said, hi.

Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, a robot, doting wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful children.

Peachy fact about Trudy is that Trudy actually still doesn't have her driver's license because it's called a hard drive, not an easy drive.

Nice.

She's always crashing.

She gave you an extra one for free, ladies and gentlemen.

God damn.

Hello, everyone.

I'm William Campos, and I am your dark

keeper of torments and delights.

Oh, God, your

dungeon keeper, crawler, creepy Crawley.

Are they creepy crawlers?

Oh, yeah.

Do you remember creepy crawlers?

Yeah, you may have to.

What do you think is pulling the strings of Ichiville life, right?

Speaking of creepy crawlers, my creepy fact for all of you today is that by age 70, every individual has at least a thousand to 2,000 mites living in their eyelashes.

Well, that's great.

Yeah.

This is another fun little bit.

Men are almost twice as likely to experience demodycosis, which is what this is called, because women regularly clean clean their eyelids with makeup removers.

Oh, that makes sense.

And they're saying that there's a male loneliness crisis.

Men, just go home and talk to your mites.

Not now, babe.

I'm hanging with the mites.

Mites are going to watch me play Call of Duty.

Call of Duty, I might hang out with them later.

When we last left off,

the three of you had discovered the command center at the beating heart of Project Heartland, and the names of the directors, including one, Tucker Trout, head of research.

What were the other names?

I don't remember.

So, one of the names is mysteriously crossed out in an angry hand because I haven't thought of who that person should be yet.

So, no one's gonna be able to do it.

Is it crossed out or underlined?

That's a little succession reference.

Like, hella, like a really mad ex-lover scribble the name.

I can't even read it.

So, that was for the head of containment.

The other name is Brian Mitchell, your arch nemesis, the head librarian.

And a sexy librarian.

The head sexy librarian.

That's new information

that you hate.

But he's good looking.

But you think it's just a fact.

Some of yours is objectively good looking.

So the objectively good-looking head of the Peachyville Library is also the director of the archives at Project Heartland.

He's running two libraries.

Now, while all that was going on, Tony was shrinking himself 5% and crashed through the ceiling and passed out at the feet of a group of bisons, a group of cultists who were wandering down this hallway.

So we're going to pick it up with Tony.

Awesome.

Pop, pop, pop, pop.

That's not enough, boys.

Reload.

All right, boys, time for round two.

Ready?

Aim.

Fire at will.

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

Tony, you awaken to the sound.

Because you passed out.

You awaken to the grinding sound of a freight elevator on a long, dark descent.

Rope digs.

Are you going up or down?

Rope digs into your aching wrists, bound behind your back.

Your legs, 5% looser now in your cast, scream with pain.

You're in a wheelchair.

A heavy mask weighs down on your neck and shoulders.

It reeks of animal hide.

Through a pair of eye holes, you see three men in front of you, all wearing bison ropes and masks.

With my cat-like sense of danger, I'm just going to pretend to be still passed out.

Give me a deception roll.

But I'm doing nothing.

But you're pretending.

But I'm doing nothing.

Yeah, but when someone's pretending to be asleep in a room, like that's a kind of, you know what I mean?

You got to stop yourself from waking up and making noises.

Every time I'm trying to, I'm just like, are they going to start talking about me while I'm sleeping?

Like a little smile on my face.

It's over.

Good point.

Good point.

I'll use persuade.

I'll use persuade.

Okay.

I have a 23 in persuade.

Used to be a 25.

Now I roll a 91.

Okay.

So none of them do anything, but

as you try to fake snore, your voice chokes on a thick, saliva-soaked rag knotted tight in your mouth, and then two strong manicured hands fall on your shoulder, and you hear the voice of Dr.

Manner.

How do I know they're manicured?

You just know.

Do you just know by the confidence with which these hands are wrapped around your shoulders that this is a man who takes care of his cuticles?

And you hear the voice of Dr.

Man say, it's okay, sport.

Take a deep breath.

It'll all be over soon.

Hey, here.

As Dr.

Man gives you a reassuring pat, the elevator lurches to a stop.

The doors slide open.

Dr.

Man wheels you into a cavernous chamber, and you behold.

All right, Freddie, I don't want everyone else to see this just yet, so I'm going to Discord you.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Special DM information.

Please be a dick pic.

Please be a dick pic.

Luckily, I've hacked into Freddy's Discord.

He just sends you a fan art of Tony getting shot millions.

For the listening audience and my fellow players, I will react sentence by sentence as I read what Will has sent me.

All right.

And begin.

Perfect.

Thank you, Freddie.

It's like I'm there.

Freddie, Will said not to spoil us.

All right, meanwhile, back in the command center.

So wait, isn't Freddy going to hear what we did?

That's not fair.

We don't get to hear his thing, but Freddie just gets to sit here and see all the stuff that we're doing.

Yeah, that's true.

Get out of here, Freddy.

Yeah, Will.

What is it?

Will says a TV with stereo sound depicting the other group, your friends.

Oh, yeah.

They're like, look at what your friends are doing.

Okay, good.

Fair enough.

All right.

We have to be nice to Freddie because he's going to die.

You're right, Beth.

You're right.

We're back in the command center with the three of you.

So yeah, you see this big map on the wall in front of you.

It's sort of this map of this facility overlaid with Peachyville.

You see the names of the directors kind of each aligned with where their facility is stretched out under the town.

If you study the wall, it reveals that the details aren't exactly mapped out like perfectly with the town, but the archives seem to be located under the city library.

The containment facility is suspiciously near the Peachyville Zoo.

And the research facility is located in the suburbs.

Guys, how long has Peachyville existed for?

It's been about 17 years, Francis.

They built it a year after World War II ended.

The real ending, of course.

Oh, you're a true sir?

Yeah, World War II had the craziest post-credits scene, dude.

I'm just looking at this and I'm wondering, what if Peachyville was built on top of this facility and not the facility built under Peachyville?

What if Peachyville's part of this whole grand experiment?

What if we're all part of an experiment?

Oh, my God.

Of course we're part of an experiment.

And that experiment is called the American Dream.

Yeah, I'm going to go freak out right now.

Just a second.

Oh, yeah.

No, this is a lot.

But also, Trudy, that's your husband.

Oh, yes, yes.

This is where he works?

Well, he works with Brian?

Well,

him throwing you into a dish.

Forgive, but working for Brian?

Well, the thing is, I thought he worked in our basement.

Is this your basement?

Actually, it's kind of making me wonder if...

This is our basement.

How far?

Can we kind of tell how far away we are from her house?

To paint the space for a niche group of people.

It's sort of like the op center in DS9.

There's like a sort of like,

there's a ring, and then like you kind of descend to like a little pit.

So in the center of the room, there are four huge control boards with all sorts of gizmos and gadgets and beat boops on them.

Each one of those is marked for a section of the facility.

There's research containment archives in the ritual chamber.

And their buttons have started to glow with a thick coat of dust and cobwebs on them.

You see the map on one side, and then to the left, you see an office with the blinds sort of half closed.

You can't quite see in.

And on the door, it says, this is the operations director's office.

This is the operations director's office.

Yes, that's exactly what it says.

That's an interesting sign.

Across from the director's office on the right wall, you see the biggest fucking spooky conspiracy board you've ever seen in your life.

Like, the right wall's covered.

floor to ceiling with a huge sprawling tangle of red strings, old maps, government dossiers, scraps of ancient texts, and grotesque classical paintings.

But to answer your question, Matt, you guys are basically right under where you started, the old bumpy.

Yeah, okay.

Actually, to change my answer, Francis, I don't know.

This almost feels like maybe the war never ended.

There's a monster here.

Like, there's bad guys underneath Peachyville.

It sounds like they're trying to prevent the next war by using these like weird elder things.

Like, Mr.

Oppenheimer was doing his thing, and it seems like these guys were doing a whole different thing.

I don't know about you, but seeing all of these weird thing things makes me feel less, well, strange.

You know, I was feeling like, oh, I am a robot, and that's so odd.

But now I've seen even odder things, and that's beautiful.

What a nice way to look at it.

Yeah.

And Arlo said you didn't stink, so things are coming up truthy.

I guess, except it is so horrifying to know that my husband is responsible for all of these things.

Yeah, I was about to say, I don't know if we can assume that they're the good.

I mean, look, Oppenheimer, one thing, but whatever this is, is led by...

No, no, no, tell me Oppenheimer Francis Oppenheimer.

Who's called Oppenheimer?

Well, you know, he was a smart man, but like, I don't know about his political views.

He seemed like he was leaning on the,

you know,

you know, Francis.

That's what I love about our relationship, Kelsey, is that some things can just go unsaid.

We just know.

Just know.

I feel like you you and me are on the same page.

We share one page of the book we didn't read.

But if this place is run by, I mean, Brian is the worst.

What did Brian do to you?

Brian, have you ever been to the library?

Of course.

I didn't remember that until recently, but I think I've been to the library multiple times.

How do you feel when you enter that library?

Oh, wow.

I feel like I'm stepping into a corridor filled with many rooms, with many worlds, and I'm- Don't lie to me.

When you enter that library, it's awful.

It feels awful.

That's what Brian Brian makes a horrible, awful library experience.

And he's mean to me.

And every time I've tried to tell him what books we should get, he turns me down.

And he's just awful.

Kelsey.

He shushed you, didn't he?

Yes.

Many, many times.

Kelsey.

And it's hard.

I just get excited when I read books.

I'm sorry if I let out a little whip of glee every once in a while.

What does that sound like?

Well, it's hard to do.

You can't just like make a noise.

That comes from such a primal space.

what the pirate tells us.

What's Kelsey again?

What's Kelsey's favorite book?

Kelsey's favorite book is.

Well, it would either be the Faraway Tree series or Peter Rabbit.

Oh, wow, it's crazy.

There's a copy of Peter Rabbit on the control panel.

So maybe you could do that little whoop of glee for us.

I told him.

Speaking of shushing, I said, oh, interesting.

There's Peter Rabbit missing.

Brian, either it's been not returned or you should order a new one.

And he said, shh.

So let's see what he's been doing with this.

And I go and I pick up the Peter Rabbit book.

Okay, yeah, it's just a book.

I just wanted to hear your little whoop of glee when you heard that.

I opened up the page.

Do you guys mind if we just read a little bit of this?

Oh, please do.

For copyright reasons, we cannot read

Peter Rabbit is owned by.

Oh, sorry, go ahead.

Oh, there we talked over it.

I wanted it.

Kelsey, if we're thinking all these guys are bad because they're associated with Brian, what does that say about you guys being associated with me?

What?

Oh,

I would be associated with you in any place, even if we didn't live in Peachyville.

And even if there were news people saying, hey, there's a kid that's dangerous.

I'd be like, he's not dangerous.

He's just misunderstood.

I am dangerous, though.

Yeah.

Well, we're all dangerous.

You fold it really easily.

First off, Francis, teachers are associated with everybody.

Don't blame teachers for what they kidnap.

You're exonerating yourself in this.

So you're distancing yourself.

Yeah, I'm just, you know, it's important.

As a teacher, I have to be careful about associating myself with the actions of all the children in the schools.

It's just, hey, sorry, I've been a teacher a long time ago.

I've just talked about the Morlone.

That's fine.

No, that's fine.

We're done talking about it.

No, no, no, no, no.

You brought it up.

It's clearly bothering you.

Francis, is what you said to the pirate true?

Yeah.

And you did that when we were at the boxing?

Yeah, because you were doing so well.

I didn't think you needed my hands.

And you were thinking of shooting the boxer, but instead you shot Shane.

I hold out my hands.

It's like, come here for a hug.

And Francis walks forward, his arms at his sides, and just sort of collapses into your waist.

Okay.

You did a really bad thing.

And I know you're hurting.

And it probably, I don't even know if it felt like the right thing, but I'm still here for you.

And we will, we will work through this, but you're going to have to own up to it.

What you did was bad, but that doesn't mean you're a bad person, okay?

But I know I'm going to do it again.

Well, that would make you a bad person.

Okay, never mind.

We're going to go to the bottom.

Well, Francis, I know.

No, it's cool.

I'm good.

We're great.

We need to talk about this.

You can't.

I understand.

And I get that you are fearful of the way you're going to act, but you have the decision to make.

You know what you did was wrong.

And if you feel like you're going to do it again, there's something in you that we have to fix and we have to talk about.

I'm not going to lie about it.

Like if you went and did it again.

Oh, go ahead, Trudy.

I'm afraid I disagree.

Oh, okay.

Because, hmm.

And Trudy looks at the picture of Tucker on the wall.

Well, if somebody did something, it's something bad to you

that killed your spark and made you not feel like a real person,

I think that person should be punished.

I think that person should maybe, maybe

not ever be allowed to do that to anybody anymore.

So when you say that Francis is a bad person, if he does it again,

I think that maybe

we should consider the circumstances of however he's acting.

Look, I understand, but everybody who lashes out and hurts somebody has a reason for doing it.

We just went through.

Oh, yes, I have a good reason.

I agree.

And we just went through years of millions and millions of people killing each other.

And while Kelsey is saying this, Francis is looking at the picture of Mr.

Trout and looking at at Trudy and seeing the glint of hatred in her eyes.

And he just fucking nods at her.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's kindred spirits.

Okay.

I didn't say, Francis, you're not a bad person.

See, this is what happens when you don't have Tony in the group.

Yeah, he's moral.

Everyone needs one person that's worse than everyone else to be on the same side.

I don't think any of you are bad people.

I believe in both of you.

do your best to make the right decisions.

And Francis, if you don't want to hurt somebody again, I'm here to help you do that.

Okay.

Okay.

I just know I might have to.

Okay.

Well, there are reasons that we have to do things and defend ourselves.

And Trudy, hey, I'm with you.

I hate Brian.

What if all three of us just became murderers?

What would that be like?

And it feels like there's more to Tucker.

I mean, honestly, there's more to Tucker than meets the eye, but like he did something to you, huh?

So when do you say you hate Brian?

Yeah.

Because he shushed you.

Oh, yeah.

A lot.

Every time I'm enjoying a book in a library, I can't even go to a library anymore.

The most precious place in the whole world.

I can only read in my home, which is great.

My home feels like a library now, but it's never quite the same because you don't have other people reading with you all quietly and you're all looking up and you realize you're in your own magical world and you look up and you see somebody else in their own magical world.

I guess not quietly.

You're getting shushed.

Who said that?

Oh, I see.

Okay.

But what?

I just.

nothing.

Do you want to kill Tucker?

What a silly question.

What a ridiculous thing to ask.

Tucker is my husband, the person that I love more than anybody.

He is my soulmate,

my kindred spirit.

He is the half to my whole.

Wait, but...

He looked angry when you were saying all those nice things about him.

I just

want to talk to him.

Okay.

Ask him some questions.

Yeah.

You want to know why he did the things, whatever it is that he did or you're upset about.

Yes, and so I think maybe for now we should put a hold on the murder and just stick to thinking of questions we could ask the people who have hurt us.

Like, what's it like walking around one leg?

Kelsey pulls out her little planner and she's like flips backwards and then she has a little thing that says like principal like request and it says need social work and therapists at school and she's underlining it.

And she's like, I'm not paid to deal with this.

This is a part of my pay.

Wow, I respect Kelsey so much for that.

As Trudy says that, you hear a noise from the ops director's office.

You hear like a chunk,

like a mechanical thing sort of just churning and chugging away.

Oh my gosh, you're just churning butter.

You realize it's probably because you guys have to.

Keep that joke in.

That's so fucking good.

I think.

Ezra, keep that butter joke in.

I actually made that louder than the other dialogues around me.

You hear the telltale butter churning sign of three badges being printed in the ops director's office, and you realize that this might be where the blue badges that you came in here to find are being printed right right now.

All right.

Oh wow.

All right.

Let's go get some butter.

Can that be your new cash phrase?

Please go get some.

We're about to do something.

Could you say that, please?

All right.

Let's go get some butter.

I can see it now.

The bumper sticker with a stick of butter on it printed.

Let's go get some butter.

That's actually pretty good.

Yeah.

Should we go get our badges?

Yeah, let's get that butter.

All right.

As you enter the director's office, it's, you know, your standard executive office.

You got a big wood desk, filing cabinets.

You see this metal punch card printer that's churning away.

Oh, yeah, and there's a massive oil painting of a hideous yet beautiful monster on the wall.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

I've never seen something so hideous but beautiful.

As you gaze at the painting, you know in your heart of hearts and your mind of minds that this could only be a picture of Zuzel.

The God Slayer looks like an MC Escher drawing of an oil bodybuilder.

God Slayer?

Oh my gosh.

Did you know the light?

The God Slayer?

Fuck yeah, dude.

I would remember that name.

I don't remember Zuzo.

How did they bring that up or is it on the screen?

The God Slayer looks like an MC Escher drawing of an oiled bodybuilder.

Sinews and limbs twist and bulge over each other in a dizzying maze of muscle.

You look and you look and you look, tracing the contours of his form to where a face should be, but you can never quite find it.

The longer you stare, the more you start to see faces everywhere.

In each wrinkly vein and fold of the skin, and then you realize all those little faces, they're your face, aren't they?

So one by one, each of you are going to have a little reaction here.

Francis, as you gaze at the painting, you feel Zuzel reaching out to you.

And just for a moment, all the fear and shame and judgment you're feeling, all the reproaching over what you've done, the anxiety over what you're about to do, it melts away.

And it's replaced by power and strength and pride.

And you know that if you let Zuzel into your heart, it could feel this way forever.

Oh shit.

Kelsey, as you stare at the painting, you are terrified by all the things you've encountered in your life that you've never been able to understand.

The war, the senseless violence of it, your brother's sudden death, his mangled corpse rotting in a jungle a million miles from home.

But as your eyes wander across Zuzel's form, suddenly you feel as if you're at the verge of a great epiphany.

It's like his flesh is a map to meaning, true meaning.

It's all so simple.

If you let Zuzel into your mind, all of these horrible things that haunt you, you'll finally understand them and you'll never have to fear them again.

His abs look like the aisles of a library.

Trudy, this painting makes you feel one thing: anger.

Like this volcano inside you that's laid dormant for a thousand years, it erupts.

That bottled up rage at everything that's happened to you, everything that's been stolen from you, everything Tucker stole from you.

A dusty old memory comes roaring back to life.

You're at a college party, sipping a martini with a dashing young man who will someday be your husband, and he's telling you that actually the word robot comes from robota, the Czech word for slave.

And that's what he's turned you into, isn't it?

A slave in your own body.

And when you think about this, it makes you good and goddamn mad.

You forgot what it feels like.

It feels good.

It feels like fire.

And with Zuzel's help, that fire can light your way to freedom.

So, all you have a choice to make.

If you accept...

Zuzel into your heart once a day, you can pray for advantage on any role.

However, Zuzel can give you disadvantage on one role per day as well.

And we'll say one per episode.

Okay.

And if you choose, like if I had to use my my role and then you said I'm using a disadvantage, I can't cancel your rollout.

But then I could use the advantage to cancel your rollout.

Interesting.

Interesting.

No, it's just something.

No canceling.

It's got first, first to call the role against.

Okay.

Okay.

Do we have to make this decision right now?

Yes.

And to sweeten.

Hey, you know, Jesus Christ doesn't impose those time limits, my man.

You can do it anytime.

You accept them into your role.

I feel like it says painting here.

It says painting.

Kelsey and Francis, when you guys got grabbed by the formless monster, where did you get grabbed?

Like, it was like your legs.

He was lifting you by the leg.

Like, where did he grab you?

My right pinky toe.

Your right pinky toe.

Okay.

That's a mad grip.

Yeah, just as far away from any vital organ as possible.

And then I think, Francis, he grabbed you by the right.

Oh, I got grabbed on the right arm.

Okay.

So.

Left arm.

Min-maxer, Matt Arnold.

As you feel this contact with Zuzel, you look down at your left arm and like wrapped around your left arm where you were grabbed by this tentacle.

So it begins to glow.

And you realize that he's already formed a kind of physical connection with you.

Likewise, Francis, around your leg, you feel this same kind of glow where you were grabbed by the formless spawn.

And to sweeten the deal for the two of you, Zuzel is willing to offer a little bit extra.

Kelsey, if you accept Zuzel into your heart, he will fully heal you back to your top line HP.

And you have three HP right now.

It will take weeks to recover from that.

Cthulhu.

Francis, if you accept the pact, you'll get to roll a d20 of strength to add to your character sheet.

And then because he never grabbed Trudy, you just get the basic Zoozell.

The basic deal.

The basic deal.

So yes.

What else comes with?

Is the disadvantage the only thing that comes from accepting him as well?

Now, who knows what Zoozel might have in store in the future?

I shouldn't have said that.

I couldn't help myself.

Certainly not in that voice, which if suggested he really is.

I don't think Kelsey thinks of it as like, oh, I want to accept this being into my heart, but I think she 100% is like, I want to understand.

I understand what this is.

So, yeah, she goes and looks closer at the painting.

The pact is made.

And the pact is made.

Your wounds fall away, and you feel yourself restored, rejuvenated, and more powerful than you've ever felt in your life.

Oh, wow, Kelsey, you look like more restored and rejuvenated and more powerful than you've ever looked in your entire life.

I got glow.

I got glow.

I mean, that's what learning does.

There's just so much to understand, and I don't

know.

Soon you will.

Oh, oh, is is that my conscience?

I know I will, Kelsey.

Positive thinking is good.

No, it is.

You guys are laughing, but like, it's, it's, it's not just, it's not just positive thing.

It's not just silly.

Like they actually show that like positive thinking actually helps your brain like understand better.

Like it gets your brain flowing.

Like negative thing is not useful.

I mean, it can be in like in scary situations.

Sometimes negative thinking is your body responding to fear or other things that you may not consciously understand.

So trust your gut.

Francis, trust your gut.

If you see a stranger and your gut's telling you, hey, that guy's pretty negative.

So racism is cool?

Well, no,

that's a big leap, Francis.

That's a big, that's a big leap from what I said.

I said, if you feel scared, you should trust your gut and just get out of that situation.

You hear that same voice in your head go, shh.

Brian, where's he?

Speaking of positive thinking, what are the two of you thinking you want to do?

So Francis feels the positivity of the strength and the pride and the power and the ability to, you know, lay waste to his enemies and see them driven before him.

And he connects that to the feeling that he had after he shot Shane's leg off, which was like a brief moment of absolute pure adrenaline-fueled joy.

And his life has been so not joy-filled, so anxiety-ridden, so depression-ridden, that that feeling in and of itself really scares him.

So the idea of having a lot of joy and feeling really good, it's more alien to him than the picture he's looking at.

So, he rejects.

Wow, okay.

That's hardcore.

What about Trudy?

So, we're seeing our faces in Zuzel.

Yeah, like a paredolia or whatever it's called, where you kind of like read your face and objects and stuff like that.

You feel like this is your face when you look at it.

Like, when I see a sandwich, I'm like, that's Jesus,

which happens all the time to me.

Because he's there.

What's up?

Because he's there.

Can that be what Zoozel does to Kelsey?

Just turns her to Jesus freak.

That's fine.

I think that Trudy looks at this image of herself and inside is like,

well, that's not me.

That's what Tucker wants me to look like.

That's what he thought that I looked like.

But who I am, there's a difference.

And so that's, that can't be me.

And she rejects.

Oh, Kelsey's dead.

What about Tony?

Can Tony catch a glimpse?

Absolutely not.

Can Tony catch a glimpse of this cool painting?

Tony's seeing his own freaky shit.

As that is all happening, you hear a little chime as this printer is done printing your badges.

Our badges.

Our badges.

Hey, let's get that butter.

Let's get that butter.

Three badges for the three of us.

Was there?

Oh my gosh.

Did anybody see this Tony?

He pulls out his notebook and writes down, no longer take advice from Kelsey.

And he underlines that.

Okay, so as you leave the room, you get another good, clean look at this huge sprawling conspiracy board.

If anyone would like to take a couple of times, Kelsey sketches it into her book that I've said that she has now.

So now I have the.

You sketched the whole, no, that's the one.

The important parts.

I sketched the three

locations.

The three locations that you said.

No, you know, not the location.

Not the map.

Oh, sorry.

This is too much shit on the wall.

Okay, okay.

There's the map.

You can sketch.

The grave.

There's the map.

There's also this huge, like, you know, like that picture of Charlie Day when he's standing up on the camera.

It's like it looks like that.

There's like this huge, like, someone was working out some grand conspiracy.

The wall is like, there's too much shit on me.

I want to use, what would it be?

I think maybe spot hidden or library.

Or library use.

Yeah, I gotta use library use to, yeah, for like scanning, like, again, good library use, scanning what's important.

Like, I'm looking for this.

We will say that this is a sort of because I want a ton of different things.

I'm really rooting for you to use your library skill this season.

So, yeah, but what if every time, just hypothetically, what if every time Kelsey uses library use,

she's at risk of hearing a sh in her mind and being distracted by her vengeance.

I think that's fun.

The only thing, Beth, is like, I feel like children watch this show.

It's important to understand

to not have any negative associations with libraries.

We need more kids going to libraries.

Why do you hate libraries?

We need less kids listening to the show.

So I think.

I hate to be a stickler, but I don't think this is library.

Oh, what would it be?

This would be like no, I think, or education.

Like, you're trying to decipher.

This would be like more like reading through a book than finding a book.

Okay, I use education.

Okay, give me a role.

Not being an asshole, but library use is taken from your education skills.

Calculator has had a bad influence on Calcium.

I got 53 out of 70.

Can I also get a drive?

I want to look at it, too.

Everybody look.

Everybody take a look.

Everybody come in here.

I got a 10 out of 50.

Fuck you.

Wow.

Oh, no.

I failed.

I got a 75 out of 65.

Dang.

Well, the two of them can explain it to you.

Dang.

It's all these pictures on the wall.

There's red string sort of zigzagging in this mad pattern.

Crazy.

What?

Blue string.

It is blue string.

Blue string.

Yeah, everyone give me a 1d4 sanity roll for blue string on the fucking conspiracy board.

Wait, why did I fail my Friday?

No, you don't.

You don't comprehend how scary it is that there's no one.

You can't comprehend me.

I failed a sanity roll.

The whistle of this woman, blue.

Blue is the most expensive die.

Why would they waste blue die on this chart?

Francis would roll, but he's colorblind.

Oh,

I walked right into that one.

Do I take Sandy then?

Yeah, just give me a 1d4.

Oh, man.

Crazy, dude.

Crazy.

Thanks, Freddie.

No problem.

Thanks for telling the fucking teacher that we didn't turn in our homework today.

Thanks for giving the teacher a cool idea.

A real cool world-building detail that scholars will look back on for generations and be like, they were bold enough to suggest blue string for a computer trend.

So now there's a podcast scholar?

Do you know that Sunchond?

That's their most canceled podcast that ever existed?

All five of them got canceled for different reasons simultaneously.

The blue string, in its own mad way, seems to tease out the mythology of an alien demigod known as Zuzel, a heroic warrior who, at various points in human history, has defended our world from the cruel whims of the powers that be.

The string traces echoes of Zuzel's presence on Earth and myths as disparate as Marduk, Gilgamesh, Hercules, and Thor.

It outlines the horrific ritual.

I was going to say that Marmaduke Marmaduke.

Yo, Marmaduke.

That's true, though.

You read Marmaduke?

That motherfucker be eating.

Is he the one that eats the sandwiches, dude?

No, that Marmaduke is not from this earth.

He's so big.

So big, dude.

You protect the family.

Trying to be an asshole.

I don't think Marmaduke was around during this time period.

This is the most hostile we've ever been to Will during an episode of that.

No, no, no.

Marmaduke's published in 1954.

That is sick, yeah.

I'm just saying, like, sorry, last thing.

I mean, it's important, though.

Go ahead.

Marmaduke should pay rent like that's a big dog That's a big dog eating a lot of food.

That thing should pay rent.

That was important

I'm never gonna financially recover from this dude.

Here's how you know Marmaduke was Zuzel.

He's been a

dude.

Why is Zuzel?

Yeah, he was just comparing him to Marmaduke was not Zuzel, but continue.

No, but listen though.

Listen to this evidence.

On the Wikipedia page, Marmaduke, a messy but lovable great Dane owned by the Winslow family, large even for his breed, but ah, my dear listeners, peep this shit.

He's been regularly drawn as apparently measuring 40 inches and upwards.

Okay, yeah, here's.

Variable size?

What else but Eldritch Horror can explain this discrepancy?

Yeah, at that point, it's not a dog.

That's a guy in your house.

Tony is a variable size.

Yeah.

He's just like me.

It also outlines the horrific ritual through which Zuzel can be brought forth into our world.

First, his mother is summoned into our reality.

Then, a young warrior drinks an elixir known as Zuzel's seed in a moment of great

triumph.

Finally, the warrior is fed to Zuzel's mother at a special time known as the Hour of the Hole, whereupon Zuzel is birthed into the warrior's body.

And after feasting on 10,000 souls, Zuzel gathers the strength to fight the powers that be in a world-rending battle and banish them back to the darkness.

So to summarize, first you have to summon the mother, then the kid drinks the the Zuzel seed, then at the hour of the hole, the kid gets eaten by the mother.

Yes.

And then vomited back out as Zuzel with Zuzel's like soul inside of the body.

Pretty much, yes.

And Zuzel's going to kill the powers that be, though.

Yes.

He's going to fight the powers that be.

Kelsey's writing this all in her book.

Okay.

We didn't hear like the powers that be are like trying to like destroy the world.

You heard that there is this

pantheon of gods.

Yeah, yeah.

But you don't know that much more than that.

I got a weird feeling.

When we were looking at that picture, I sort of knew internally that he was the godslayer.

Yeah.

But I didn't know that until until we looked at this thing yeah that's fucking weird that is weird i felt the same obviously if it said it it was just a painting but i yeah i heard the word godslayer too oh man what if he's godslayer too this summer

what if he's in our head or if he he has time travel or what

what is this thing i don't know if i trust it I already did trust it.

I don't know if that was the right decision.

What?

What?

I don't know.

I had a feeling like it was just going to teach me.

And you always say yes to teachers.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Okay.

I told you I like Mary Shelley.

Frankenstein is all about not fucking searching for knowledge.

It doesn't need to be there.

What are you doing?

Oh my God, but I think that was just a lesson to women to stop asking about things.

It's true.

You know a woman wrote the book, right?

That's true, Mary Shelley.

Oh, wait, no, that's right.

Don't Frankenstein.

You're the worst feminist I've ever seen.

I bet Dot Frankenstein.

I've never read Frankenstein.

It's like a lot of fairy tales, a lot of fairy tales, like Rumble Silicon, like Curassie Killed a Cat.

That's just like, those are just stories to tell kids to shut up and not pay attention to things.

That's what most of us are.

I'm not talking about those.

I'm talking about Mary Shelley's badge because Frankenstein is not a lot of people.

Knowledge is important.

The more we learn and the the more we empathize, the less likely to kill people.

As you guys are having this,

you hear a sound crackling from one of those control boards marked for the ritual chamber.

It starts to light up, and you hear

you hear like a sharp, piercing static, and then you hear the voice that you recognize if you've met Dr.

Man of Dr.

Man.

We know Dr.

Man.

He's the doctor.

I've never met him.

And you realize there's a radio on this thing.

There's like a speaker coming through.

And you hear this voice say, Forgive us, great mother.

Our seed-bearer has perished.

The right of the champion has failed.

And then you hear this kind of creepy, creaky voice.

And Freddy, you recognize this as the guy that's plugged into the yes, yes, yes.

Your seed-bearer was bested by a frail old woman.

Great mother is displeased.

The hour of the hole draws near.

A new champion must be forged.

One worthy of Zeusel's seed and mother's embrace.

Great Mother, rest assured, we will find a new champion before the stars stars are right.

The bisons will scour every house in Peachyville if we must.

We will- ENOUF!

You have failed.

Mothers demand a sacrifice.

One of our order has volunteered for this honor.

Brother Tony, step forward.

And you hear shuffling.

A lot of people aren't named Tony.

You hear squeaking wheels as someone is rolled forward.

It must be our Tony.

He was in a wheelchair, right?

He's in a wheelchair.

That's true.

Yes, if you give me a no-roll, I will allow allow you to remember that his wheelchair squeaked in the same telltale fashion.

Tony, Tony, Tony.

That's weird.

It's crazy.

It says his name.

Yeah, I got to create success on that.

Okay, great.

So yes, you know that this is Tony's wheelchair.

Yeah, that's Tony's wheelchair.

I want to throw myself backwards

as hard as I can

in the wheelchair.

To do a wheelie?

To do a wheelie, but like to throw myself back.

Okay.

Give me strong power.

Give me a strength roll.

Very wet.

11.

That is a fifth, more less than a fifth of a regular success.

So that's actually

super duper successful.

So what do you want to have happen?

Because I'm rolling backwards into it.

I want to basically roll, and then the momentum of it carries me until I'm going and then back on my feet.

We'll save that.

Because even if I'm like, I understood, all right, I get it.

I get it.

Yeah, so you're going to action roll backwards out of this thing.

Yeah, yeah.

So Dr.

Man is pushing you.

You knock him over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you roll back.

Your legs are broken.

I know.

And they're in casts.

I know.

So you'll go back up on your feet, but it is a disadvantaged dexterity roll to stay on your feet.

Okay, now here's the question.

I am 5% smaller.

So the casts are loose.

Yes.

Now, do the bones mend inwards a little bit?

A little compression into the bones?

It's going to hurt.

It's not going to make things better for you to have your casts be loose on your broken bones, Freddie.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I roll up.

And I'm like, ah.

Okay, give me a dexterity roll.

Now you guys hear this over the radio.

You still have a gag in your mouth.

Dexterity roll.

No problem.

Oh,

first one was a 23.

That's exactly what my next one was.

So the next one.

So I do need to roll a one or a two.

So I have a one in five chance of being okay on this.

I roll six.

Okay, so you rear up onto your feet, but then the pain of all your weight going onto your fractured legs causes you to collapse back onto the ground.

Shit.

And we'll say scream out in pain.

Now, now, let me ask you this.

All this jostling, does it kick the thing out of my mouth?

No.

Well, okay.

So you're now falling on the ground.

But I'm no longer in the wheelchair.

You're no longer in the wheelchair.

Dr.

Man is getting back up and like sort of dusting himself off.

Do I do any damage to Dr.

Mann?

No.

He sort of angrily grabs you and sort of holds you still and says, Brother Tony proudly offers his flesh to the great mother.

We're going to try and headbutt.

Headbutt Dr.

Man.

To recompense for his failure.

Headbutt, Dr.

Mann.

Yeah, give me a brawl.

Maybe Tony can make some of that angry.

59, I fail.

Okay, yeah, he got a 44 and his is 45.

So, yes, he dodges out of the way

and grabs you

during the scuffle.

Your mask has flopped off of your face and it falls on the ground.

And you realize it was one of those bison masks that they're all wearing because they had you essentially dressed up as one of their order.

And the thing in front of you that's been talking, I am not one of the order, I'm not one of the order, it looks at you, it trembles.

Do you feel your mother's embrace, Brother Tony?

Dr.

Mann kind of puts his hand over your mouth and

says,

Brother Tony is merely nervous about meeting the great mother face to face, worried she'll find him unworthy.

He's just a little overexcited.

He's just a little excited.

While this is going on, the three of you are standing around this control panel.

And you see that the control panel has a couple buttons on it.

So you can't directly see what's happening in front of you, but there are some options.

So there's a switch that says lights.

There is a switch that says elevator.

There's a switch that says fire suppression.

There's a button that says phone.

And finally, you see under sort of like this big button that says destroy chamber.

Now, that last button has three.

I press every button except for destroy chamber.

I press destroy chamber.

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If I should have known, you were guys were gonna press all the buttons.

I, the DM, lay before you a console of buttons.

I hope they don't press them.

Will you express the wisdom necessary to leave certain buttons unpressed?

Let's test the players' sense of game.

You thought the whole Zoozel thing was the big moral choice of this episode?

No.

So I was about to say, destroy chamber, there's like three keys like a nuclear silo would have.

Like it's like three little keys you need to turn.

So you can't access that button.

Okay.

I smashed the other buttons.

Okay, you smash all the buttons.

Smash.

And specifically the light one after I smash all of them, the light one, I just keep going.

Smash that light.

Smash that light button.

Smash that light button.

Yeah.

Smash that light button.

Okay.

The lights I'm flipping on and off.

It really helps them out.

Tony, this is what you see happen.

But yes, you hear this because someone goes, what's going on with the lights?

The lights flicker on your head.

What the hell?

Electricity's on Fritz.

Hey, Fritz, the electrician.

The fuck.

What are you doing in here?

Keep going.

See how far Freddie can take this bit that you interrupted you with.

Freddy, there's a phone on the wall beside you, and it starts to ring as well.

The elevator door behind you opens up again.

Phone just sprays everywhere in the room.

Like somebody's on Jane Mansfield, am I right?

So basically, absolute chaos breaks out in this room right now.

And you guys hear, off in the distance, this inhuman noise of just rage, something gargantuan, just squealing and hissing and writhing, absolutely furious.

And Freddy, the big thing that you saw behind the guy you're talking to starts to quiver and shake and its appendages shoot out and begin to approach you in rapid pace.

While everyone is distracted, you have a free action.

Nobody is looking at you.

I'm just going to wriggle like a little worm.

You're just going to crawl towards the elevator.

I'm going to wriggle like a worm through the foam, baby.

Because it's like a foam party foam.

Yeah, it's foam party foam.

It's like a Jonas Brothers concert.

Yeah.

It's like a favorite concert.

DJ Testo rave kind of foam getting sprayed in here.

Tony, what's your dex score?

My deck score is 23.

What are yours dex scores?

60.

60?

You're 62, right, Matt?

For dexterity?

Yeah.

I'm 60.

Okay.

I am 25.

Okay, so we'll use your dex score of 60.

Tony, you're going to get a free action.

It's going to take you two move actions to get safely inside the elevator.

If you want to use your first free action to make a scramble towards it.

Oh, wait, hold on.

My hands are bad.

Well, yeah, well, that'll just rig.

Yeah, this is why it's going to take you two turns because the ground is foamy and you got to wriggle around like a little bit.

But I'm also 5% harder to spot.

I will say.

You can use your free turn to roll around in the foam.

You won't have an extra turn, but if someone wants to grab you, they will have to make a spot hit and check first.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I'll do that.

I'll cover myself in the foam, which I'll probably be a little slippery too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, yes, will it make him harder to grab?

Because I'm slippery with the spot hidden roll will be the trick, but no, you would not be slippery, Tony.

Slippery Tony, slippery snake.

Okay, Grace.

So, yeah, you roll around.

Chaos is going on.

The cultists are next with the highest dexterity score.

The first thing that Dr.

Man, leader of the cultists, wants to do, he looks at that phone that's ringing.

He's like, What the fuck is going on?

And he grabs it.

He says, Who is this?

I motion to Trudy.

I think, Can you do Tucker's voice?

Oh, good idea, friend.

Can I do Trucker?

I guess.

Shit, is he here in the room with us?

Who is this?

Who's in there?

Who is this?

Good, good.

Who's in there?

I love that.

Would this be disguise?

I have 30 in disguise, actually.

Okay, give me a disguise roll.

Yeah, I'll throw you a bone because I like this idea.

You have advantage because

she knows all his speech patterns.

You spend 90% of your day listening to Tucker talk.

Okay, glad I have advantage.

Rolling again.

Oh, yay!

I got an 11.

Sick.

Okay, great.

He goes, Dr.

Trout, what are you doing up there?

Babe, don't worry about it.

It's not a big deal.

I think you're overreacting about this whole thing.

Well, we're trying to talk.

You've angered the great mother, we're- Ooh, it sounds like somebody's angry, and you know, that kind of makes me upset when somebody's angry at me or accuses me of doing something wrong.

It kind of makes me angry, so you probably shouldn't do that.

You son of a bitch.

I knew you'd betray us.

Now those are fighting words.

And he slams the phone.

What was I supposed to say?

No, no, these did remain more complicated.

That's great.

You never get the after-action report scene.

Did I do it good?

Hey, what'd you think about that?

It's great.

You just made life harder for Tucker.

Well, yeah, you did a good trip.

Also, that's good.

We got to save.

I mean, Tony's alive.

I just keep smashing the button.

And so I say, light.

And start smashing the other ones, but not phone.

There's three other cultists.

They are all going to run for the elevator as well.

They weren't in the elevator.

They're heading towards the elevator?

Yeah, they all wheeled out into the room.

Okay.

And so now they're all scrambling back for the elevator because they realize the situation is about to go south.

They're all going to have to make dexterity rolls to not eat shit in the foam, though.

Eat shit in the foam.

I was going to sing it in a little song, too.

It just has that musicality to it.

I feel like it gets me through the phone.

Damn.

Nice.

Two of them just biff it into the foam hard.

They just fall down.

And so they don't get anywhere.

But one of them makes it a turn towards the door.

So now he's about equidistant with you, Tony.

He has not seen you yet.

It is the group's turn.

It's you guys.

What do you want to do?

So of what we've seen, is there any indication of where we are in relationship to where Tony is?

Yes.

Tony is a good long distance away from you guys.

Tony is in the ritual chamber.

And if you look at the map, you'll see that the ritual chamber is like smack dab in the middle of Peachyville.

So we're talking like a, these tunnels are huge under here.

It'd be like a 10-minute drive.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

So like an hour walk or something.

In the map, is there like any sign of an exit from where we are?

Like now that we got badges, are there like, you know, like a fire exit?

Like, hey, you work here.

There's a fire.

Yes, there is.

There's a fire exit.

There actually is an emergency exit in arlo's room shrudi what if you called tucker and told him that something bad was happening down here then your house would be empty and we could get there and see if tucker has any stuff we could use hidden down in his quote-unquote basement or maybe the basement is here somewhere oh yeah so we can come out through the basement yeah

it might be faster if we get upstairs there's an emergency exit if we get upstairs we can drive to your house though so we want to make sure my house is empty yes okay i i would call tucker if you're okay with that you don't have to.

I just don't know what I would say.

It tends to be Dr.

Mann.

Just say you're here.

He'll probably get mad and want to just come over here.

Oh, yeah.

He'd be really pissed if he thought that you were here.

Tell him you're rearranging his desk.

Okay, I'll call him.

And I go to the phone.

Operator.

Hi.

Trout Residence, please.

Connecting you right away.

Thank you.

And you hear the voice of Trudy Trout pick up the phone

and say,

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, I'm Trudy.

Trout residents, Trudy speaking.

Who do I have the pleasure of speaking to?

Hi, Trudy.

This is your husband, Tucker.

We've established it's perfect.

I need Tucker on the phone.

Can I talk to your husband?

Well, you're.

Can I talk to your other husband?

Oh,

I guess I do have multiple husbands.

I am so blessed.

Oh, dear.

Tucker, there's somebody who wants to talk to you.

Is it a salesman, dear?

Tell Tucker, yes, it's a salesman.

Yes, it's a salesman, and he'll only talk to you.

You hear stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, and then there's fumbling, and then you hear Tucker say, All right, who is it?

What do you want?

Hi, Tucker.

It's Trudy.

Trudy?

Well, I guess you're already living with Trudy, but this is the Trudy that you put into a cave.

One of them, at least.

The most recent cave, Trudy, I'd imagine.

Or maybe I'm just making things up again.

You know how silly I can be.

Anyways, I'm so silly, I found myself in your office.

Oh, there's so many buttons down here.

And I don't know what would happen if I pushed all of them.

And I just got a badge, so, you know, I'm allowed to do whatever I want.

So maybe you should come down here and take care of me.

You know, I'm so silly.

I don't even know how I ended up here in the first place.

You hear him kind of cup his hand over the speaker and you kind of hear muffled him talking to the other Trudy saying, Hun, can you go make me a martini in the other room real quick?

Anything you want, dear.

Okay, Trudy, listen to me very carefully.

You're very confused, dear.

You seem to be lost.

I just need you to stay right there and just tell me exactly where you are again.

I'm so lost.

Oh, no, there's somebody coming.

You better help me.

Where are you?

Francis waves at you goes,

tell him exactly where

we can can put a gun to his head oh

uh yes we are in the control the wait the operator of the the thing thing thing the operator of the thing thing thing um no there's a name for it but i forgot i think it's the executive director's office tell you looking at the button that says was it destroy destroy chamber destroy chamber how are you looking at the destroy chamber button I don't know how to hang up the phone, Tucker.

I'm looking at a button that says destroy.

I'll be right there.

And you hear a click.

Can we talk to Arlo?

So, actually, if you look at the wall, there's like a little Arlo comms array, but it's been smashed to bits by whoever was in here before.

Clearly, whoever was in here did not get along with Arlo.

How long would it take us to get to a room where we could speak to Arlo?

Uh, literally, right outside.

Okay, great.

Can we do that?

We'll say this was your turn.

You guys could do that on your next turn.

Cool, great.

Okay, back to the room.

It is now the great mother's turn.

Um, oh no, so Tony, you see

her

appendages fly out, and it's hot as hell.

And it's hot as hell.

So it is going to grab those two cultists that are standing out in the open, Freddy.

So you see these thousands of appendages shooting out and wrapping around these two guys.

And it is going to roll to grab them.

And it succeeds.

It is one sort of free tendril with which it is going to grab someone else.

And it's either going to grab you or the guy above you.

Give me a stealth roll with Advantage.

19 is my stealth, but I'm advantaged.

First one, 59.

I have, luckily, the nine is necessary.

So I need to roll a one.

84.

89.

I miss.

Okay, so it is going to grab you straight out of the foam.

Oh, that rolling around for what?

So she's going to make a fighting brawl roll to grab you.

Okay.

And succeeds.

Thousands of tiny barbed tendrils are writhing, slithering out of this thing, up towards you, and they're trying to snake onto your leg and sort of dig into your flesh.

Now, here's the thing, though.

I'm wearing casts on both my legs.

That's a good dope.

Do I get a free, like, slide-out?

Like, haha, you've grabbed my shoe, but

you know, that's good.

I like that.

This makes a whoop sound.

Makes one of these.

Fuck that.

You know what?

We're going to roll to see how much health you have.

Well, I have zero at the end of the last one.

I know.

So Dr.

Man patched you up.

Okay, he injected me with stims.

So, we'll say that you've got four health from him patching you up.

Dr.

Man's really good.

He's quite good at his job.

Very good.

So, you are, however, going to take one D4 of damage from this thing ripping your casts off.

Okay.

I love that, though.

That's a good touch.

Three of them the one.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

So, these tendrils hook into your casts.

It's things that's grabbed your legs, and then it pulls back with a ferocious grab.

And you feel these things.

I mean, you're 5% smaller, but it's still like getting a boot janked off of you full force with tender, raw, freshly broken legs.

It is.

It's like when you got like a really tight set of ski boots and they get yanked out.

I mean, that's snug, baby.

Yeah, but your legs are also broken.

So yeah, pain screams through your entire body.

You almost pass out, but you're able to hang on just enough.

And you have narrowly dodged death once again.

Tony, it's now your turn.

I'm like, oh,

ow.

Okay, so you're going to wriggle your way towards our.

You are one turn away from the door now.

And from overhead, you see a very straight path.

Yeah, just a smooth foam slither straight to the door.

Two of them are writhing around as they've been grabbed by this thing.

Dr.

Mann hangs up the phone, totally confused, and he looks around, realizes he can't see you.

So he is now going to do a spot hidden with disadvantage because the lights are flickering and you're covered in foam to see if he can figure out where you've gone.

Oh, okay.

So yes, he spots you.

He did quite well on his roles.

So yes, he sees this snail trail going to the door.

And the snail trail goes somewhere else.

Down the cum gutters.

Down the cum gutters and right to the jackpot.

He sees you making your way towards the elevator, and he is going to sprint towards the elevator as well.

He passes his dexterity check.

So when you get to the elevator next turn, you're going to be face to face with Dr.

Man.

Okay.

And then there's the other cultist who's running towards this thing.

We're going to give him a dexterity saving throw as well for his next sprint.

He fails.

So yes, you see the guy behind you that was running towards the door as well wipe out and eat shit right behind you as your army crawling towards the door.

Nice.

Everything going according to plan.

It is now the group's turn again.

First thing really quick before we get into any of that, I'm just going to say I'm going to stop hitting the light.

And I think tails means I left the lights on and heads means I left the lights off.

Oh, I love that.

So I left the lights off.

Okay.

Excellent.

So it is pure darkness in there now.

Okay, so wait, Francis, are we going to go after Tucker or are we going to her house?

Tucker's coming to us, and Tucker knows everything.

Oh, okay.

Do you want to go into Tucker's basement?

Or should we confront Tucker here?

Here seems dangerous, though.

Like Will said, we're a 10-minute drive from where all the chaos is happening.

Actually, that's what I want to ask Arlo.

Arlo.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, so you run out to the edge of the room.

Yes.

Yes.

Arlo.

What's going on?

I hear noises and bad smells in the ritual chamber.

Yeah, some stuff.

So

Tucker's house, how long would it take Tucker on average to go from his house to where we are right now?

Oh, Dr.

Trout is a great man.

Dr.

Trout is a great and wise man.

He is very fast.

He has many ways of getting places.

But in terms of how long it would take him, where is Dr.

Trout right now?

His home.

Dr.

Trout is at his home, and he's a home.

This is the exact spot I'm standing at.

Arlo, I used to be so fond of you.

Well, I, oh, well, but I, oh, but, oh, but I just, oh, um, so it depends on what route Dr.

Trout is taking.

If he's the fastest possible route, the fastest route would bring him here very quickly.

Okay, is there anywhere in the room we were just in, the executive office, that we could presumably hide from like security cameras or anything he might see on the way in?

Arlo, we're thinking of giving Dr.

Trout a surprise.

Surprise party.

Like a surprise party for being such a great husband.

So we, the three of us, we're going to hide and then jump up and hug him without him seeing us before.

And we really don't want to ruin the surprise.

Oh, well, in that case, you should hide behind the door of the command center.

There is no security camera pointing at it.

Perfect.

Thanks so much, Arlo.

Thank you.

And if you see us holding a gun at Tucker, know that it is a party gun that shoots confetti.

I do not understand the concept of a party gun.

We invented it.

That's great.

Yeah.

That is an interesting invitation.

Humans are so wise.

I thought so.

Is there anything else, Arlo?

Did you get your badges?

Yeah,

okay, granted.

That's great.

Well, it sounds like maybe after the surprise party, you can come and see Arlo and I can tell you many things.

I love that.

Are you carriable?

Am I carriable?

Arlo is a great advanced computer.

Oh, if we like came to see you, like, could we gather you up?

Could you, if you were very,

You could gather me up.

There's no like personal size version of you.

Oh Arlo, by the way, after Tucker gets here and we're gonna go see you, we're gonna bring Tucker with us.

So if anything that might happen that might stop either Tucker from getting here or might stop us from getting to you, can you be sure to warn us or stop it prematurely?

Arlo is confused.

Arlo needs you to say that again.

So we're gonna bring Tucker to you and you love Tucker.

Tucker's a big deal.

we're gonna bring him right to your room so if for example some bison come this way or some guards or if something might happen to screw up our plan of throwing him a surprise party and bringing him to you will you promise to let us know absolutely thank you great friends you you're really taking charge i just want what is our plan yes i was wondering the same thing um well i thought we would put him at gunpoint and then we would ask him some questions but what questions so as they could like where are the three keys?

Because we want to see that three down there.

Okay.

Who is the next seed bearer?

Because we don't want the God Slayer to awaken.

I don't trust this God Slayer thing personally.

Yes.

Just the naming.

Just really didn't think the name through.

Yeah.

And we definitely don't want to sacrifice anybody or have 10,000 people killed.

No, yeah, no.

Okay.

I'm afraid, so I don't want gods to die.

Tucker was the most useful information.

And either we can go kind of roundabout and look in his basement, but why go to the basement when we can go to the management?

why get the milk when you could take the cow for free yeah and i mean either either way you get that butter but some ways go a little faster

either way you get some butter but some way you get that butter a little faster and if you want that breakfast and frankly some people he says pointing surreptitiously at trudy uh kind of deserve to you know talk some things over with them.

Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely.

We go do the surprise party.

You go, so you're going to go hide behind the preparing the butter.

Okay.

Okay.

Are you comfortable?

Can I hold the gun?

Oh, what's your firearm skill?

Oh,

I mean, it feels like when I'm really close, but we were just trying to scare them.

I still had to roll for it when I blasted off shit.

She's going to say this away.

Francis, based off of what you told me, would you like me to hold the gun or not?

And think seriously.

What do you feel comfortable with?

I don't hate Tucker.

Yeah.

And I don't see a reason to kill him while he's useful to us.

Those are the only two reasons I think I would kill somebody.

Okay.

Unless he's like extra mean to Trudy, in which case I might shoot him in the head.

But we'll see what happens okay so you want to hold it yeah it's my gun

it's my churn i do believe in property rights

so you can have your gun there

when she gets the e eminent domain oh she's gonna be mad she's gonna be mad

everyone give me your stealth skills 39 okay 90 so hard

20.

it's actually okay if he spots trudy oh yeah i mean he wouldn't be able to spot until he came inside anyways but then he'd be sure if you put Trudy in the room and not hiding, yeah, he won't be expecting the two of us.

Yeah.

I won't hide.

I now know what both of your stealth roles were,

but I don't feel like you guys would know how well you were hiding.

No.

Do you know what I mean?

As you guys get into position on the other sides of the door, you see the door begin to turn and open.

Creepily fast how quickly that's happened.

They've learned to open the doors.

Whatever that line is from the good drastic part.

Now it's the great mother's turn.

So the great mother pulls these two cultists towards it.

Tony, you see them vanish into the great mother.

You hear the sickening sound of screams and bones crunching.

It's like someone's eating chicken wings.

Do you know what I mean?

Like you're just hearing flesh get gusted.

Like a dog eating chicken wings.

Yeah, like a dog eating chicken wings.

Like you hear this gurgling and you see this jet of bones and viscera getting spit out of this thing.

Well, no, I don't see any of this.

This is all yeah, because it's pitch dark.

So you hear all of that that and then you feel like a little mist kind of like rain down on you from like the jet of whatever just erupted from this thing.

And then you hear the clatter of bones around you.

Does it taste like pennies?

It tastes a little like pennies if you taste it.

And then give me a listen roll.

Okay.

36 out of 47, I succeed.

Okay, in that case, you hear among the noises of bones and the drip of blood, a metallic clatter of something hitting the ground.

This is going to sound weird, but it's like, it sounds like a knife dropping onto the floor.

Like one of these guys was holding a weapon and it's fallen near you.

Okay.

I want to spend this turn in the dark, like groping towards the sound of the thing that fell.

If you spend the whole turn doing it and you don't move forward, then I will say that, yes, you now have a knife in your hands.

Yes, I will do that.

Okay, fantastic.

It's now the cultist's turn.

Dr.

Man is going to wait at the door, peering into the darkness, listening intently to see if he can stop you from coming forward, even though he can't see you.

The other cultist is going to get back up and once again, make a dexterity-saving throw to make a run for it.

They fail again, so they just slip and eat shit one more time.

So now it's the group's turn.

And actually, it is not the group's turn because there's a new person, the turn order.

So, you're all lurking and waiting.

Yes.

The door slides open.

It's a normal.

No, that's right.

I said it was an electronic clock.

It's a slidey door.

So, yes, the door slides open.

So, we're just posted up against the wall as flat as we can be.

Okay, so now.

And is there any like potted plants or desks or shelves there?

Like, any place that we could hide?

Sure.

Okay.

So we're hiding behind an object.

You're hiding behind an object.

Give me a stealth roll.

I got a 12 out of 90.

Can I use my advantage?

Oh, from Zuzo.

You want to pray to Zuzo?

I want to pray to Zuzo.

Okay.

What do you say to Zuzo?

I say, please don't get caught.

Please don't get caught.

Zuzo.

And they're like, stop.

Who is that?

And Zuzo goes,

and yes, you now have advantage on the roll.

D10.

50.

I fail still.

You're not very good at this.

Zuzo!

I tried.

There's only so much I can do.

Kelsey, you are.

He has not looked your way yet, but yes, you're not hiding very well.

You're behind like a really small desk and you're peeking out from behind it.

Hi, honey.

Trudy, what are you doing here?

Surprised to see me?

Tucker steps forward into the room.

He says, Trudy, dear, what are you?

And I step out and put my gun to the back of his neck and I go, hi, honey.

Have you met my friends?

And he looks behind and it says, oh, yes, okay.

The bowling team.

Well,

you've got my attention, honey.

We've got some questions to ask you.

I see.

I'm just going to step a little further into the room.

Why don't we?

No, I don't think you should do that.

Oh, let him step in so we can close the door behind him, actually.

Arlo, close the door.

Oh, nice.

I cannot close the door.

Is that Dr.

Trout?

Is he in there?

Arlo, it's me.

It's Dr.

Trout.

It's so great to see you again, old buddy.

Oh, I've missed you, Dr.

Trout.

How are you doing?

We're having the surprise party right now.

It doesn't sound like a surprise party.

Surprise!

It's all right, Arlo.

I'm just talking with my good friends in here.

Friends?

I'm your wife, silly.

Oh, that's right.

Yes, you are my wife.

You are my, well, well, are you still?

Trudy, I'm very disappointed.

I left you somewhere and I thought you were going to stay there.

And now I find you here.

You're making a mess.

You're making a whole ruckus right now.

What is this?

What's going on?

Well, I was just trying to get come here and explain to me what's going on.

Is there programming in Trudy that would make her go to him that she's fighting against?

Oh, you know what?

I think that's a good point.

I think there is.

You would be hardwired, you know, as much as possible to want to obey Tucker.

The second she starts walking towards Tucker.

I go, She takes one more step and you don't have a head.

And Kelsey is going to go stand next to Trudy and offer her just a hand to hold on to.

I hold Kelsey's hand.

And do I stop?

Yes, you do stop because he stops.

And he puts up his hand.

It says, okay.

And he looks at you, Francis.

He's like, you seem like you're the big, strong man of this group.

So I think I'll talk to you.

Where are the three keys?

The three, what three keys?

That destroy the chamber

You

caught the rifle you if you shoot me you'll never know there's a lot of people down here I could probably find out there's also a lot of places you can shoot someone

do you know where the three keys are

Arlo does know who has the three keys okay cool I shoot him I'll do the Francis special and I'll shoot him in the left leg

okay give me a firearms roll and I still have some advantage left over from training

all right so I got a 65 out of 25 so when I miss I go that one's a warning

I don't think I'm going to talk to you anymore.

I think it's time this conversation was over.

And I'm going to go ahead and I'm just going to close this door right here.

Can I react the moment he says, I'm not going to talk to you anymore?

Sure.

Okay.

I want to sock him in the face.

Okay, great.

Give me a fighting brawl roll.

Oh, yeah.

That's a 26.

Am I fighting?

Let me just double check.

That's a crit.

Half success.

Half success.

Yeah.

So good success.

Okay, so he does not resist.

He takes the punch full force to the face.

Oh, no, my poor husband.

Oh, do you need some first aid?

I could get some ice.

His head wrenches sharply to the side.

And Kelsey, you've punched a lot of people before.

You've never felt pain in your fingers, in your hand, like you do right now.

It's like you just punched a brick wall.

And he turns back to you and says, The three of you have no idea what kind of shit you are meddling with.

Metal robot is a robot.

He puts his fingers to his temples and twists them and his skull opens up and a brain pops out.

I jam the gun into the brain so that's inside the fucking meat of the brain.

Okay.

And then I pull the trigger.

Okay.

All right.

They had some questions to ask him.

If he's a robot, that means there's others.

His gray matter explodes in this shower of gore and his metal frame sputters and crumples to the ground.

And that's how you realize he was able to get here so quickly is he never left.

He was working remote, if you will.

And for a beat, there's silence.

And then his eyes start to glow.

Something starts to thump and hum in his chest.

And you hear a beep, beep, run, run, beep, emergency exit.

So you guys are just going to run?

Yeah.

I looked at the map to be like where the emergency exits are after we got the battery.

All right, so yes, you guys are going to sprint towards Arlo's room.

Yes.

You guys are all going to run.

Okay, that's great.

You can make it out in time then.

I'll save my questions for the real Tucker.

As you sprint out the door and run around the corner, you hear this boom as the entire control room is incinerated by this huge fireball.

You can sort of like a cool action movie where it chases you guys down the hallway a little bit.

You guys are now sprinting in you around the corner, down the hallway towards Arlo's room.

We will get back to you in a second, but poor Tony is unable to receive your help anymore.

Good luck, Tony.

Thumbtack presents Project Paralysis.

I was cornered.

Sweat gathered above my furrowed brow and my mind was racing.

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Me or the clogged sink.

Drain cleaner and pipe snake clenched in my weary fist.

I stuck toward the sink and then...

Wait, why am I stressing?

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Dude, if we didn't run, we would have died in that explosion and then only Tony would be left.

That would have been a better fucking turn.

The great mother is going to snatch that cultist who just ate shit on the ground and yank them back.

It now has two more free tentacles.

It realizes it can't see shit because of this foam.

It is going to take a turn to wipe the foam off of its hooded cluster of eyes so that it can see better in the darkness.

So now, Tony, it is your turn.

You can vaguely make out where the elevator door is.

You can reach it this turn.

Can I stop it?

Dr.

Man will be in your way.

You can stealth up to it and like try and stab Dr.

Man in the...

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

I want to do that.

I want to like stealth crawl.

I'm like, I remember these training videos.

Okay, give me a stealth roll with advantage.

God damn.

11!

Okay.

11 out of 19.

I did it.

I did it.

You've made it to Dr.

Man.

You have him unawares.

I want to jam the knife through his foot into the ground.

Okay, great.

I want you to know I'm very happy for you for passing that roll.

Yeah, you shut the fuck up, Matt.

You want me dead from the first moment?

He's going to do nothing, which means it's either an automatic success or it gets a bonus die as if a surprise attack.

So we'll call this a surprise attack.

So you have a fighting brawl with advantage.

14 fighting brawl, which hey, so that's a critical success, right?

Well, what's your score?

48.

So it's like it's slightly under the middle one.

Here's what we'll do: we'll do success, good success,

super good success.

Super good success.

Give me a 1d8 plus your damage bonus on Doctor Man.

Three plus a 1d4.

That's a six damage total.

He crumples to the ground, clutching his foot in pain.

He lets out this scream, but now he sees you.

He's like, you!

Ah!

It is now his turn.

He is going to just grab you and try to choke the life out of you.

So we'll call that a fighting brawl.

I would like to be slippery.

You'd like to be slippery.

I would like to be 5% smaller and slippery.

Okay, so he succeeds.

You need to oppose.

How do you you want to oppose?

Wriggle.

But we'll call that a dodge then.

You're trying to dodge out of his way.

Give me your dodge roll.

Oh, it's half decks.

Oh, not good.

Oh!

Yes!

Yes, my dodge is 11.

But what do you do when you roll a six on it?

Wow.

Fight back, dodge.

That's a super success.

Because that's half success, right?

All right, so

attacker wins.

5.5.

You win because you have the higher level of success.

That's just a regular.

Well, you still win because you had a normal success as well, and a draw means the defender wins.

He lunges for you.

That knife stuck in his foot kind of wrenches, limits his mobility, and he's able to grab you, but you're able to wriggle through just because you're so foamy and slippery.

You scoot past him just barely.

So on the next turn, you can either try to finish him off or you can try to make a break for the door, but then he'll be able to chase you.

Yeah, yeah.

So the cultists are all dead.

It is now the great mother's turn.

The great mother has wiped the mess away from her eyes.

Her eyes glow red in the darkness, and she can see both of you.

She is not fucking happy about it.

So she is going to try to grab both of you right now.

Oh, no.

Dr.

Man is able to dodge her tendrils as they slither towards him.

He pulls that knife out of his leg and slashes wildly, and they kind of flay back for a moment, buying him a turn.

We're now going to roll for you, Freddie.

Yes.

So she succeeds.

This is a fighting attack.

She's basically trying to grab you.

So what do you want to do?

I'll fight back.

I'll like slash wildly.

Now, you did leave your dagger.

you're sort of like swatting in the air trying to knock back okay yes great give me a fighting braw roll 29 29 what's your fighting brawl 50.

okay so that is a regular success right yes yes so she also got a regular success you are grabbed because in the case of fighting back the tie goes to the attacker so yes you feel these tendrils hook into your real leg this time not just your cast because you've wriggled out of your cast and so you are grabbed by this thing and it starts to pull and we can deal with what's going to happen to you on your next turn.

It is now Dr.

Man's turn.

Doctor Man sees that this thing has grabbed you.

You can sense him smiling in the darkness that he's managed to dodge this fate.

And he is going to make one last sprint for the door.

So we're going to give him his dexterity roll.

If he makes this, he's going to make it into the elevator.

So he makes it.

Dr.

Man limps into the elevator and he looks back at you in the darkness and says, Bon voyage, Mr.

Colette.

And he presses the button to close the elevator.

And he waits five seconds.

So, yes, now the elevator doors are closing.

And at the end of his next turn, they will slam shut.

Okay.

It is the great mother's turn.

She's going to pull you towards her.

So here's how I think we can do this.

You can either try to break free from her grasp, or you can do an opposed strength roll to try to resist the pull.

Like you can try to grab onto something.

And we'll say there's like some loose grating.

Clearly, I'm not going to be able to strong arm it.

So I'm going to try and like wriggle out.

Okay, give me a fighting brawl roll in that case if you want to rip these tentacles off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

These tentacles left me 24

out of 47.

So she is going to oppose.

She also got a regular success.

So you win the encounter.

Describe how you break these things off of you.

I just sit there and like, think about barrels, Tony.

And I just like spin.

Oh, to like wrench them off.

Yeah, yeah.

That's cool.

Torsion.

Torsion.

Give me a dexterity roll.

We'll say you've got enough time here to make a desperate sprint for the door.

I have a 23 index.

I roll 19 regular success.

Okay, so you wriggle your way towards the door.

You are now at the door.

The doors are closing shut.

Dr.

Man is in front of you.

The great mother is reeling in pain, but rearing back up for another strike.

So it's all going to come down to this turn as to whether you make it onto the elevator.

It is now Dr.

Man's turn.

Dr.

Man.

Smashing the door closed.

He's already smashing the door closed.

He doesn't know that those buttons are usually not connected to anything.

Tatu Tucker earlier.

I was thinking of not actually connecting it just so that psychologically you think you're doing something.

He's just going to kick you as hard as he can in the face to try to knock you back out.

Right.

And you have one HP, so he could very well knock you out in this move.

He sees you crawling desperately for the door and he says, you just won't quit, will you, Tony Collette?

And he comes up and he's just going to stomp your face as hard as he can.

I want to dodge it.

All right.

So we're going to do a fight.

Fighting brawl.

So he got a 17

out of 45.

So that is a super success, but not a super duper.

Not a super dupe.

So what are you going to do?

You're going to fight back or dodge?

I'm going to dodge out of the way of it.

So you're going to need a super success on your dodge to beat him.

Yeah, yeah.

You think that's the right move, boys?

Absolutely.

Okay, here we go.

I want everyone to see it.

Anthony said that when I've been looking up from his phone.

All right.

I knew where this was going a while ago.

Dodge.

Now, listen, Dodge, I have half decks, so it's 11.

I need to roll a six or lower.

Or no, five or lower.

A six.

No, a six would be more than half.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So a five or a two.

okay, or what anything under a five will be good.

Here's the thing: a five, this means I have to get a crit, essentially.

A five out of a hundred is the same thing as a crit.

Yeah, correct.

15.

I push the roll.

Can you push a dot?

You still don't have any luck left?

Oh, I could use my one luck chance.

Do you got a 15?

Yeah.

In the words of magic.

Yeah, you cannot push a combat roll.

However, one and a hundred chance.

We will give you your guess.

Now,

what number?

All right.

What number between one and 100?

22, my my lucky number.

11.

I'll use my lucky number.

Which is...

Hold on.

I'll tell you after I've rolled.

You got to see the number.

Let me think.

I know.

I'm thinking.

78.

I guess that this will roll

a 78.

84

Okay,

so Tony Collette, the last thing you see is the boot.

Well, you see two things.

You see this boot come down and crunch your face in.

Your nose caves in.

Your teeth fall back into your throat.

You're dazed and going out of consciousness, but you don't go unconscious fast enough to escape the absolute torment about what's about to happen to you.

The great mother.

Darts out her tendrils one more time.

They wrap around your entire body with these barbed little hooks.

Oh, it feels kind of nice.

I was just going to say until the barbed hook actually sounds kind of nice.

They dig into your skin.

Okay, not so much.

They drag you

through the foam towards the open, quivering, gaping maw of the great mother herself.

And you feel yourself getting enveloped into the soft

folds of her flesh

as you slide in

and slide pleasure kind of thing.

Yeah, you slide into her soft folds in her foes.

It feels like going home.

It feels nice for a split second.

and then something inside this thing just crushes you to bits.

You feel every single one, it was agony.

You feel every single one of your bones break and wrench as you are pulled.

Well, that one was all those two are already broken.

You are pulled into a thousand pieces, and the light that once was Tony Collette goes out, and your ninth light extinguishes, and you are no more.

Couldn't talk your way to that one.

Wait, wait, is Tony dead?

For sure.

Tony is absolutely fucking dead.

Happy now, Matt?

I'm not happy.

I'm pretty happy.

Now the team can reunite as, you know, whatever new character you are.

Pretty nothing.

The three of you run down the corridor towards Arlo's room.

Do you guys think Tony's okay?

Who's that?

Oh.

Yeah, who?

As you run towards the door, you see a bunch of like sort of dead skeletons of old project heartland members all sort of gathered up like they were trying to bust down this door at one point in the past to arlo's a million years ago when they were just skeletons i mean 10 years ago it doesn't i looked it up it doesn't take that long to turn into a skeleton once you go yes it's like people in military uniforms and stuff like that but it's these withered bodies that were trying to break down this door decay kelse is on d now so what decompose decay oh yeah there you go the door slides open uh because arlo sees you coming and you stumble into a big big, brightly lit, carpeted room.

A thick pane of floor-to-ceiling glass covers the back wall and looks out at a gargantuan 1950s supercomputer housed in a sprawling warehouse on the other side.

In front of the wall is a little four-foot pedestal.

On it, under a glass dome, lies the severed head of a cocker spaniel.

Someone has jammed hundreds of wires deep into its nostrils and its skull.

The wires all snake together and bundle into like a big sort of cable that jacks into the computer beyond.

There's this array of rubber hoses pumping strange fluids in and out of the severed head neck of the dog, and it's wearing a collar and the collar says Arlo.

Oh, it is a doggie.

Will, we can't fucking make a plushie out of any of that.

A super computer and a fucking severed dog head.

You're here.

You made it.

You're here.

Great day.

Hi.

Hello,

welcome.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I know that it is scary to see a big, scary computer sometimes.

Were you the computer and they put a dog here or were you originally?

What dog were you talking about?

The dog head.

No, No, no, I wouldn't.

He doesn't need to know that.

Arlo is not a dog.

Arlo is a computer.

Arlo is a big computer.

Oh man, somebody killed a dog.

Oh, sorry.

Arlo is a very good computer.

You are a good computer, Arlo.

You're a great computer.

Arlo is a good computer.

And then you see, um, you want to go for walkies?

I do not know what a walkie is, but that sounds nice.

And then you see the dog's head.

The eyes are closed, but like it kind of twitches a little smile and like licks its nose a little bit.

Hey guys, I'm just going to float this past you.

Not to do it right now, but be thinking about whether or not we should unplug this dog before we leave.

Yeah, I I don't like

you're here.

You are here.

And I mean, you have the badges.

Yeah, and that means Arlo can finally tell you why Arlo brought you here.

Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

Arlo's first command is to protect the people of Project Heartland.

Arlo's last command is to protect all people from Project Heartland.

Well, that's confusing for you.

They programmed you with both of those?

People's brains are big and bendy.

That is how they can make amazing things, like rockets and burgers and Arlo.

But things that are bendy can also be twisted.

That is what happened to the people in the command center.

Something twisted their brains.

It made them smell bad.

Like the thing in the chamber.

Arlo had to stop that.

You said.

You said me.

You said I stopped.

That's why we smell bad, because that thing touched us.

That's just why you smell like the thing.

It touched you?

Yeah, it touched us.

Yeah, but I'm cool.

Arlo had to stop the people who got their brains twisted.

They tried to stop Arlo, but Arlo was a good computer.

Arlo followed his last command.

And Arlo needs your help following the last command one more time.

There is a button in the command center that can destroy what lies beneath.

They can destroy the thing that smells very bad in the ritual chamber we were just in there weren't we yeah with the the one with the three keys right with the three keys yeah that room blowing up wouldn't it was the explosion proof button it sounds like someone was thinking off the top of their head when the guy blew up very good you will need three keys each director of the facility of project heartland has one of those keys brian you get a chance to go after brian oh i'll get brian's game trudy you must find the site directors take their keys and use them to activate the device and destroy the thing that smells very bad below Never happens.

And you must hurry.

There is something called the hour of the hole, and it is apparently near, although no one knows quite when it is supposed to happen.

But if you cannot do this before the hour of the hole, then something very bad will happen with the thing that smells bad below.

Sure, sure, sure.

Uh, quick question.

Yes.

Can they still perform the ritual without you?

My sole job is to protect this facility.

I am not involved in any rituals or any spells.

I am a good computer, and my job as the computer is to protect Project Heartland and to protect the world.

Yeah, so back down, friends.

Don't go shooting.

No, no, I'm just saying, like,

this is messed up, right?

Like, should we, like, just, like, leave him?

I mean, he's a computer.

He's not a computer.

He's a dog.

No, he just said he was a computer first.

I am a very good computer.

You do not have time to argue.

This is not relevant to your mission.

You must escape.

Yeah, well, that's why we're here.

Okay, so yeah, we'll escape and we got to get three keys and we come back here.

Yes.

And we'll kill the thing because otherwise that thing's going to kill all of us.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes.

And then we can stop the very bad thing that's going to be a lot of fun.

Do you want a treat?

Do you like these treats or do they have these treats here?

Treats.

Yes, I know treats.

Yes.

Sometimes my master gives me a little, what they call them cookies.

And

they give you a cookie and it makes me a better computer.

Who's your master?

Oh, I was created by Dr.

Trout.

Dr.

Trout is my very good creator.

Is there, by any chance, some sort of subroutine or something within your code that, like, if exploited, would automatically shut you down, say, that we could use against other robots made by Tucker?

A backdoor, if you will.

A backdoor, if you will.

That is interesting.

There is a command.

I turn to Trudy and I go, We're not going to use this on you.

Just FYI.

Okay.

And also, Plug Ear is just in case hearing the command fucks you up.

There is a command.

I cannot tell you the command.

I will shut myself down by telling you the command.

But can you spell it?

I cannot.

I cannot even think.

And the dog starts twitching a little bit.

I just started thinking it.

I give him a treat.

I give him a treat.

I give him a treat.

I give him a treat.

Good cookie.

Good cookie.

Good cookie.

Alright, well, maybe an

irrelevant question, but Tucker and I had a cocker spaniel named Doodles.

I do not know this dog, Doodles, and dogs cannot be robots, so I don't understand.

This is a silly question.

Yes, yes, so silly, so silly.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Doodles is a dog, of course, a loyal companion.

As I was saying, there is a command.

I cannot tell it to you, but perhaps Dr.

Trout has the command.

If you are a very good person, maybe he will tell you.

Oh, you must know who the third...

Well, it was Scratched out.

Who's the third director?

The third director was Dr.

Smith, but Dr.

Smith was terminated, and there is a new director.

I do not know the name of the new director.

Is it Shane Silva?

I don't know.

I don't know what the name of the third director is.

It feels like each of us have an NPC connected to us.

So we'll be back.

We'll shut the thing down.

And then I guess I'm going to make it my life's work to just sort of hang out with you and feed you treats on a regular basis.

Is that cool?

That sounds great.

Great.

That sounds good to Arlo.

You can give Arlo many cookies, and Arlo will be a good computer.

All right.

That's, yeah, that's what I'm going to go for.

You have a great mission ahead of you.

We must all be a very good computer together and protect the world for Project Harvard.

You gotta save Peachyville and come back here and hopefully maybe we can save Tony too.

Yeah, he's probably fine.

He'll be okay.

Can you access the phones from where you are right now?

I can.

I can make a call.

Can you call Tucker?

I can try to call Director Trout at his home number.

Beep, boop, boop, beep, beep, boop, beep.

Operator.

Trout residence, please.

Connecting you.

Trout residence, Trudy Trout speaking.

Hi, can I speak to Tucker?

It's a sales call.

Oh, a sales call.

Tucker loves us.

Oh, Top?

You just hear a hand snatch the phone.

Another Martini, dear.

Oh, of course.

What?

I toss the rifle at Trudy.

Oh, okay.

Mama's coming home, you son of a bitch.

And he hangs up the phone.

A door pops open next to you guys.

This is a secret way out of the facility.

You've caused much attention for the men who smell bad.

I do not think it is safe for you to use the main door.

This is an access hatch that will take you out a secret way.

This is Arlo's very secret door out of the facility.

Thanks, Arlo.

Hey, let's go there.

You run up these stairs, and it's an emergency exit.

These steps that take you up and up and up.

And your mind almost reels at how far deep into the earth you must have gone.

Finally, after what seems like ages, you emerge.

Like a hatch pops open, and you find yourself on top of a hill overlooking the weird old bunker on one side and Peachyville itself on the other side of town.

So sirens are echoing in the air as fire trucks race towards the scene.

Beyond it, you see the twinkling lights of the city.

It's a gorgeous night.

You can barely make out down in the town square, the gazebos lit up.

You can hear the echoing of a band playing.

There's people frolicking, couples dancing, families sipping cocoa.

It's the perfect night for a perfect little town full of happy, peachy people living blissfully unaware of the horrors lurking beneath them and the hole in the stars above.

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind, and now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the star,

swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

Thanks for listening.

As we speak, we're knee-deep in final prep for our first ever European tour starting October 1st in Dublin, Ireland.

Our London and Antwerp dates are sold out, but we still got tickets for our other dates.

You can see all those at dungeonsandaddies.com/slash live.

Europeans, we cannot wait to sample your superior coffee and functional public transportation systems.

But most of all, we can't wait to see all of you.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar, Anthony Birch as Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos as RDM, Beth May as Trudy Trout, and myself, Freddie Wong as Tony Collette.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller, Brian Fernandez is our content producer, Ashley Nicolette is our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager, Esther Ellis is our lead editor, Travis Reeves provides additional editing, and Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

The next big Patreon drop, an hour-long tour documentary of our U.S.

tour from earlier this year.

It's a very funny dock shot by our friend Justin Yinglemo.

We're doing the sound mix and the color and all the little final tweaks as we speak.

It's one of my favorite things we've ever done.

You're going to really like it.

Just be good.

You get exclusive behind-the-scenes access to all of the tour shenanigans, and that's going to be available for all of our Patreon supporters at every level.

How do you get on board with this?

By going to a website, patreon.com/slash dungeons and dads.

Every level of support gets this.

There's a tour video from our previous tour on there as well, as well as ad-free episodes and hours of bonus audio and video content.

By supporting us, you're supporting independent podcasts, and you'll join cool cats like Alejandro Sanchez, Christy Webb, Brandoz Jowles, Jana Understoner, Gerroyd Lynch, Elaine Todd, Elena Zampira Gray, Lexi Schlamp, Logan Dean, Seth Romig, Akutha Ananda, Honey Bunny, Davey Kashuba, Stefan S., Kat Orman, Corey Goodwin, Slightly Expired Yogurt, Dean Allert, KV Kane, and Sarah Osman.

That Patreon again, patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads, our merch and more on our website, dungeonsandads.com, live show tickets, dungeonsandads.com/slash live.

And our next episode coming at you October 8th, we will see you then.

All that I can see is a hole in the star.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars

Too far, too far away

But I stay

today

All that I can see is a hole in the stars

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars

Too far, too far away

But I'll stay

today

Let's give him a noise print noise print so what we get another noise print of just like Beth continually chewing

Oh, what now, Beth?

Boom!

I really, I could have made fun of Matt for needlessly saying noise print again.

I could have, but I didn't.

I just gave him a look, and he decided to lash out at me.

He decided to lash out with me eating my croissant that he got me that I'm not going to pay.

Okay, where we last left off, all of you had learned the horrific secret of.

Who the fuck was that?

Beth went back for more of a fucking cross.

Ryan's will was going to tell us the secret.

Next episode, the part of Beth May will be played by Elise Willems.

No!

Don't ever threaten me with someone more talented and brilliant special.

No, we just wouldn't notice the difference.