S3 Ep. 38 - One Minute to Zhouzel (Pt. 1)

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Speaker 2 Dungeons and Deaths is brought to you this week by Alienware. So I got a question for all the gamers out there.
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Speaker 2 Dungeons and Daz is brought to you this week by eBay. On eBay, every find has a story.

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Speaker 2 hey folks our crowdfund for matt and my next feature film nail house is ending this friday which means this is the final ad you will hear nailhouse.film we have tons of backer exclusive blu-rays and merch our own branded msg for all you dnd heads an inclusion dice set with a little dumpling inside the d20 that we're making with fan roll and more patreon supporters by the way get a discount on the dice as we've been saying if you have interest in this project and you think you might want to watch it later pre-ordering it now through our crowdfund lets us put your dollar directly into the project and up onto the screen.

Speaker 2 Nailhouse.film or check the links in the description. Thank you.
Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Speaker 2 Zusu be praised.

Speaker 2 Zusu come for

Speaker 2 Topless

Speaker 2 Venus in

Speaker 2 the sky

Speaker 2 A bowling team and rolling out one dark Nebraska taste

Speaker 2 Above a ridge they crested their eyes filled with dismay

Speaker 2 For down below them in the town of Peachyville they saw a herd of bison crying out

Speaker 2 and summoning a god

Speaker 2 Jeus will be great

Speaker 2 The bison savor, cultists who would pay an awful crime

Speaker 2 to fight a greater evil. Their hotel that sacrifices

Speaker 2 They'd win the night by Zuzo's might, but Peachyville would die. Unless those bowlers rolling out

Speaker 2 could get a lucky strike.

Speaker 2 Zeus will be great.

Speaker 2 Zeus will come for

Speaker 2 top of space, penis in

Speaker 2 the sky

Speaker 2 Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmos

Speaker 2 fighting the forces of darkness. Oh, no, you turn out the lights on the day before Halloween

Speaker 2 in suburban 1950s, America. Oh my god, this year.
This is like

Speaker 2 cooking season, and we ended right before Halloween. Yes, when you listen to this, though, it'll be right before Thanksgiving, and even scarier.
Scarier!

Speaker 2 What do you know about history?

Speaker 2 Thanksgiving is even scarier than Ayatollah. It's scarier than Manifest Destiny.

Speaker 2 My name is Freddie Wong. I play deep thinking plumber Blake Lively.
What may be the final Blake Lively fact?

Speaker 2 Blake Lively, if he survives this and if he manages to make it all the way into the 21st century, would have been huge fan of Avatar.

Speaker 2 James Cameron's Avatar would have looked at that and he would have had... Remember that time he was half a horse guy?

Speaker 2 Have a horse guy would have been like, that's Nay Tieri She's got it going on oh yes that's what that feels like I would have sex with her

Speaker 2 I feel like you'd say would but then not know that that's where you're supposed to stop yes hey everybody my name is Matthew Arnold and I play Kelsey Grammar Beachyville's happiest snappiest school mom and you know what she always says what if the only thing you learn from school is how to make friends then it's worth going to school I don't know that's true it's the most important thing I mean yeah that's the only stuff I took away I'm sorry that you don't learn easy ability to read and write well apparently kids can't read and write anything usually Kelsey drops the the second little part of the aphorism.

Speaker 2 No, I thought it'd be some jab at homeschooling and stuff, but no.

Speaker 2 Positive. Just a nice little friends me wait along the way.
You know, she might die this episode.

Speaker 2 You know, the two things you need to learn in this life are how to love others and how to love yourself. Damn.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I'll do one.
I'll do one. One.
Love myself. Fuck everyone.

Speaker 2 I'll do the other one.

Speaker 2 But if you're one functional person, yeah. And little fact about Kelsey is that her favorite thing in the world is teaching.

Speaker 2 That's it. All right.
Wow. I need to have a gimmick next season.
I'm going to figure that out. As opposed to what, just saying what future movies your person might like.

Speaker 2 No, we can't turn on each other. It's the last episode.
We're on the same team here. I think we all

Speaker 2 had a gimmick. I have undue confidence that this is going to be the last episode.
My gimmick this season wasn't easier. I had to come up with two things every episode.

Speaker 2 So much work, two things.

Speaker 2 She was over here doing fucking computer puns. It's hard.
It's a big computer challenge.

Speaker 2 No, I just come up with random words.

Speaker 3 No, I think two things is harder than computer puns. At this point, I'm literally Googling computer words.

Speaker 2 Computer words? It feels like Google should be like, you don't get get to do this anymore. It just shuts down for you.

Speaker 3 Computer and robot words.

Speaker 2 I'm Anthony Birch. I play Francis Farnsworth, a quasi-orphan, unless you count a dad that's made of like skin as a still a dad.
Wait, most dads are.

Speaker 2 That's kind of the default, actually.

Speaker 2 Given the plan for saving the world, I thought it was worth bringing up that Francis' favorite short story, Hills Like White Elf.

Speaker 2 He doesn't know what it's about. He just really liked the way they described the hills.

Speaker 3 Hi, my name is Beth May.

Speaker 3 And I play Trudy Trout, a homemaker, mother of one beautiful child, and a robot. Fun, maybe final fact about Trudy is that, yeah, there's a good chance she might not make it out of this.

Speaker 3 And if that's the case, she wants to be buried in a mausoleum. She's all about that encryption.

Speaker 2 That was good.

Speaker 2 One the last time.

Speaker 2 One the last time.

Speaker 2 You're not just doing puns, you're doing the harder thing, which is doing a pun that everyone knows is coming and they know the genre of the puns. And it's still surprising.

Speaker 2 It's like the World Series and the batter. It's like his last at bat, and he just rips a dinger out, dude.

Speaker 3 He just fucking like Freddie Fremantle the other night.

Speaker 2 There you go.

Speaker 3 That's for him.

Speaker 2 We're still probably going to lose the World Series, but that's Freddie Fremantle is the name of a real person. Yes.
That's amazing.

Speaker 3 Oh, I am wrong. It's Freddie Freeman.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's a much more normal name. Okay.
Hello, everyone. I, for maybe the last time,

Speaker 2 am. You're still going to be Will Campos afterward.
But I'm not going to be able to do that. I think I'll do another one of these, Dad, right? I am your daddy, Master.

Speaker 2 In three weeks, I shall be home tending to my crops. Imagine where you will be, and you will be there.
I want to still be playing with you, though.

Speaker 2 But your real dad's coming home. I didn't recall a lot of these teary eyes when I finished a season.
No, actually, yeah, there were. So shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 So shut the fuck up. Maybe it's just a statement about my memory.
I'm like Pierce Brosnan and Mr. Doubtfire.
Your real dad's coming home soon. He's just battling a zany scheme.
I am the daddy master.

Speaker 2 I am, at least for now, still the God Emperor of this podcast until I give up my power to become a humble farmer. He's a very large worm.

Speaker 2 And my creepy finale fact is that during the finale of MASH, during the commercial breaks, the fucking sewage system in New York City erupted and overflowed because so many people were running to the turlet to use it at the same time to get their poops out during a match final.

Speaker 2 Do you guys not know that? No,

Speaker 2 it was like it was that it was a major disruption in their commercial breaks. And I think at the end of the episode, like it shut down the sewage system.
Wait, actually, I had a quick question though.

Speaker 3 Did it have to be poo-poo that did that? It couldn't be pee-pee?

Speaker 2 I think it was everybody at the same time. I think it was everyone at the same time.

Speaker 3 I just don't think that many people poo-poo at night.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Well, New York City is a city that never sleeps, Beth.
You know what? You're right.

Speaker 2 I bring this up only to say this fact is a special fact for everyone in the live listen for the finale of our show, which is get your poops out now, y'all.

Speaker 2 No, no, let's do a countdown, see if we can do the same thing. Let's oh, oh, yeah, everybody flush your toilet.
Everyone, hold on to your poops until the very end of the episode.

Speaker 2 And we're gonna see if we can outdo MASH and shut down the poops. Three, two.

Speaker 2 They can do it at the end, Matt. They're gonna do it at the end.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No more pooping.
Yeah, no more pooping until the end of the episode. Well, now you tell them.

Speaker 2 Well, if they're pooping already, hold it. Hold.
Pitch it off. Eagles.
All right. Let's just wait.
Do you guys want to fucking save the world?

Speaker 2 Yes. Are we going to save the world? Maybe.
I have looked, no fucking punches will be pulled.

Speaker 2 I've been thinking about this all week, and it's like, is there an ending where we just kind of like don't roll good in combat and the world ends? Yeah. There definitely.

Speaker 2 Game to have three endings, depending on who wins this last encounter.

Speaker 2 Just like massive, massive.

Speaker 2 One of them is the correct ending. So yeah, don't fuck it up or people will make mad at us.

Speaker 2 We'll just patch it. Batch it out.
Batch it out. Could you imagine? We should do batch notes for season one.
Can we like change like three things? New ending.

Speaker 2 You update the cannon. New epic.

Speaker 2 And just Henry died instead of Glenn.

Speaker 2 When last we left our crew, you had retrieved the hangnail, a weapon of immeasurable power from the late John Gramer, Kelsey's brother, who died bringing the weapon to you.

Speaker 2 in his little timey whiming chamber at the heart of Project Heartland.

Speaker 2 Where he lived, the place where he lived.

Speaker 2 And and died and died you now embark on a dangerous quest to end this whole crazy nightmare once and for all the bisons are at present bringing their seed bearer to mother in this big three-ring circus tent at the center of town when the seed bearer is brought to mother and consumed by her Zuzel will be born and at the moment of Zuzel's birth if one were to plunge the hangnail directly into his head you could absorb all of his psychic energy all of his power and use that either to pull a million in one shot off to launch all of that spectral eldritch energy across the Atlantic Ocean to take out the big space dick fucking the earth, or you could bring that energy into yourself and become a demigod for who knows how long and go do the job yourself.

Speaker 2 As John Gramer described it, it's a million to one shot versus a one-way ticket to who knows where. You all had group therapy with Carl Jung, and

Speaker 2 Blake overcame his fear of guns, and Amberster taught him the secret of gun kata. Kelsey has a pocket full of Derringers.
I believe Trudy got a new horrifying robot body.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess I have the hangnail because I pulled it out. You have the hangnail.
I think you gave it to Blake, but we'll say whoever wants to hang out. Here, Kelsey, you've got the new actor's guns.

Speaker 2 And I have two gold revolvers that are like Nick Cage's guns in Face Off, but they're revolvers. Francis contacted his mom from The Beyond, and she was just in a dark void somewhere.

Speaker 2 So that's probably what happens to you when you die. Yeah, so now we all know what death is.
Because, as we learned, Jesus Christ was kidnapped by mysterious powers out beyond comprehension.

Speaker 2 You guys found out that Dr. Man, who obviously will probably be playing some sort of significant role in the events to come, is secretly embarrassed of his really long, dangly scrotum.
Yes.

Speaker 2 And then you were able to embarrass him so much, he punched himself so hard in the head, he knocked himself out. And he's not going.
All you know is that he knocked himself out.

Speaker 2 I guess we can really quickly run to Dr. Man to just make sure the job's done.
Yeah, it's just like an end his ass. Okay.
If we're going to pretend to be Dr.

Speaker 2 Man, yeah, it feels like we should go to Dr. Mann's house.
Make sure he's really incapacitated, but also he probably has like, I know you can turn into him,

Speaker 2 but that doesn't mean we have like all all the equipment like maybe there's some nurses there like we don't know there's other stuff

Speaker 2 driver's license yeah some form of identification perhaps yes okay so you guys would like to go to dr man's house that's what i propose over on h street sure we all know where dr man is yeah you guys he's a village doctor

Speaker 2 on your way again the streets are eerily abandoned it's mysteriously quiet outside though actually no you guys don't have a car anymore yeah and you don't have a horse we're running how far away are we paint us the picture of how far we are you guys are outside of town right now because you're at the bunker we're at project heartlands bunker yeah they have vehicles we yeah they got little like cool jeep big warehouses and stuff often have small vehicles big warehouses have small vehicles

Speaker 2 i just never heard something

Speaker 2 like that you guys find a forklift and you can ride the forklift into town awesome damn this thing goes 50 miles

Speaker 2 yeah we're gonna impale some fucking bison all right so on your way as you're tooling through the town of peachyville on this forklift you see again it's that there's an eerie quiet there's mysterious clouds, but you hear off in the distance, like a

Speaker 2 what does that sound?

Speaker 2 Kelsey, is that you?

Speaker 2 It's just like there seems to be like a far off, oh, far off, like way far off, deafening kind of

Speaker 2 shuddering eldritch groan from the circus tent direction, not from the circus tent,

Speaker 2 something else, yeah, something else, maybe off in the ocean.

Speaker 2 Oh, in the ocean, the god's about to come. Oh, no, oh, no, and then near the circus tent, you hear your

Speaker 2 well, not yet. Oh, not yet.

Speaker 2 No, she hasn't conceived. Wait, which ocean?

Speaker 2 We are pretty much equidistant from both oceans. Let's go fast.
Let's go fast. This seems to be the giant dick in the sky, Blake.
Ah, most likely. Let's hope the god is an edger.

Speaker 2 I shifted a high gear on this fucking forklift. Okay, great.
You arrive at Dr. Mann's stately low-slung ranch-style house over on H Street.
His car is there. Blake, breach.
Ah, yes, let's go beat ass.

Speaker 2 One last one for the road. As you approach the house, you see two bisons at the door knocking on the door.
They're like, Dr. Mann, we really got to go.
Dr. Mann, what's wrong? Come on, Dr.
Mann.

Speaker 2 It's time. The whole ceremony's happening.
I think the dick in the sky is about to come. If we don't get there before the thing comes, the world's going to end.

Speaker 2 I would love to sneak up behind one of them and stab them with my sword with a flashlight on it. Sick.
Cool. Who wants to take the second one? I'll shoot him.
Oh, okay. You shoot him.

Speaker 3 And then we can take their identities.

Speaker 2 Great.

Speaker 2 I'm going to pull out a Derringer. I think I'm going to use this for what it's used for.
You're drawing one of your 14 Derringers. Okay.

Speaker 2 Please refer to your pile of Derringer tokens and put one in the Discard Derringer pile. I got my tokens now.
14. Okay.
Derringers. All right.
So you draw one of your Derringers. All right.

Speaker 2 So this is, you guys are trying to do like a coordinated takedown? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait.
All I'm saying is this. Just for the group.
A forklift has two prongs at the end of it.

Speaker 2 And you're going 50 miles an hour.

Speaker 3 It might wake up Dr. Man, though.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you can check. How many times do you guys have to fuck up horribly trying to ram a car into into something this season before you stop trying to do it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but imagine impaling two guys on a forklift.

Speaker 2 Like, if you're a forklift driver, I'm trying to remember that if you guys all die doing this, it will be the end of the season and it will be a 30-minute episode. That would be hysterically funny.

Speaker 2 So, I think we should definitely do it. I do have really good vehicle handling skills.

Speaker 2 They might not hear it if you like do like a fucking in the world according to GARP where you turn off the engine and just let it coast. That's true.
That's true. It's Dr.

Speaker 2 Mann's house at the bottom of, let's say, a hill of some kind.

Speaker 3 We could use the time that we're rolling up to get our guns ready.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, we could use it

Speaker 2 for prep and aim action okay oh that's good there's the complaint so what it is is the all prep aim action i give one of my derringers to you anthony because i'm gonna be driving so i can't be aiming sure so everybody's got an aim action on this forklift and then i'm driving okay and i'm gonna i got 75 drive auto okay so here's what we're gonna say So forklifts don't have seat belts.

Speaker 2 They certainly didn't in the 1950s. Thanks, Nader.

Speaker 2 Generally speaking, forklift is usually a one-man operation, right? Like it's usually a one-seat thing. So one of you is driving the forklift.
The other three are like clinging to the back, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And so the three of you are going to be prepping your aim to shoot these guys.
Got like an arm around because they're open carriages, arm around one of the poles, other hand aiming.

Speaker 2 I think I'm actually not even going to bother aiming. I'm going to have my sword still sheathed, but ready to just jump out of the bag.
Oh, dude. Dude, I have four arms.

Speaker 2 And forklifts only 18 miles per hour. And forklifts only.
No, no, no, no, no. You said 50 miles per hour.
I said that, but the real thing.

Speaker 2 And it was not. Fine, but I can slow down because I wouldn't drive into a building at 50 miles per hour.
And also, you're not going to drive through it.

Speaker 2 The bodies are going to block it as you blow through the front door. So simultaneously, we'll take down the front door.
I agree.

Speaker 2 It's awesome. I'm all in for it.
It's a little bit free and clear, but have you ever done both at the exact same time? Exactly. So we're exactly at 10 miles per hour.

Speaker 2 You're going to skewer the guys with the forklift or run them over. Either run them over.
The skewer is awesome. Run them over.
It's cool, too.

Speaker 2 Are you guys going to be on the forklift or are you going to try to jump off first?

Speaker 3 I'm going to be on because I can use like fully two arms to hold myself onto it. Okay, great.

Speaker 2 I think I'm probably going to jump off first and and then sort of run up after the initial.

Speaker 2 All right, it will be a hard strength roll to hold on when you crash, or it will be a regular dexterity roll to jump off and not get injured.

Speaker 2 I made the right call then because I've got good strength and poor dexterity. Can Blake and Trudy just be on my lap? They're pretty big.

Speaker 2 They can be on your lap, but they still got to like. Hold on.
Yeah. Yeah.
They're going to have to. I'll do the decks.
I'll do the decks. I'll do a little jump off.
Effortlessly backflip off.

Speaker 2 You remember when he jumps off of the motor motorcycle? Yes.

Speaker 2 Equilibrium.

Speaker 3 I'm going going to do strength.

Speaker 2 I'm going to hold it. Her to hold on.

Speaker 2 First things first, we'll say Dr. Mann is at the bottom of a hill.
Yes. And yes, so you raise over the hill.
You see the guys pounding. You're like, oh, something must be wrong.

Speaker 2 I don't know what's going on in there. They're bounding on the door.
Like, we got to preach. Let's go.
And so they both rear back.

Speaker 2 They're both at about the width of a door apart from each other, which is about the width of the forklift. So who knows? It might work.
Matt, give me your drive auto roll.

Speaker 2 Come on, baby. Blue, baby.
Come on. Come on.

Speaker 2 71 out of 75. So still successful.

Speaker 2 Okay, so Kelsey guns it. And for a second, it looks like she might not be up to the challenge.
Things getting pretty fast and starting to wobble. Because it's got the weird like back wheel turning.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's just not. Yeah, it's like she's not used to driving a forklift, but then you manage to lock in.
You've got it lined up. You're whirling towards the door.

Speaker 2 We're going to give these guys each a roll to see if they hear you in time to try to dive out of the way. First guy does not hear you.

Speaker 2 Second guy rolled an 18. Okay.
So they turn. One of the guys at the last minute goes, oh, and he's now going to do his own dexterity roll to try to jump out of the way, which he does just barely.

Speaker 2 Sounds like he's jumping out of the way right into a sword.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm going to fucking aim for that.

Speaker 2 So he manages to jump. He sees the shadow of the forklife fall, and he turns around at the last second and just manages to die five.
Oh, actually, you know what?

Speaker 2 I'm going to give him a luck roll real quick. We will say, because he failed his luck roll.
The forklift pins the edge of his bison rope.

Speaker 2 So, like, he's going to have to make a strength check to rip away from it on his next turn. The other guy gets straight up fucking impaled.
We're going to roll damage for him. He is, he's dead.

Speaker 2 It just goes straight through his chest. So blame.
One guy's down. We'll see the other fork manages to pop the door open.
Now we'll do everybody's rolls. So who's jumping off? I'm jumping off.

Speaker 2 I rolled a 93. My thought is that because Francis is not used to this new robot, like he massively misjudges how much space he needs.
And then Lake is actually too strong.

Speaker 2 And so he like launches himself forward and completely eats shit. Not unlike in the very first episode, we bowled and he fell over.

Speaker 2 So Francis is on the roof.

Speaker 2 He's like the pizza on the roof.

Speaker 2 He's the pizza on the roof and breaking bed. Like when Homer Simpson jumps out of the car when he's throwing it off the cliff.
He goes back in.

Speaker 2 Give me Blake's backflip. Blake does an effortless backflip with both arms stretched out like an angel.
43 out of 75 regular success. Excellent.

Speaker 3 Trudy hangs on with two arms while trying to aim to the trapped bison with the other.

Speaker 2 Give me your strength roll.

Speaker 3 I rolled a 41 out of 60. Okay, sick.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Kelsey, you're the last one. My strength is 40.
Well, that's not a great number. And my roll is an 83.

Speaker 2 10 miles per hour, by the way.

Speaker 2 Have you gotten thrown violently from a fucking vehicle? Francis is the only one that hasn't. Yeah, I guess not.
So here's what happens simultaneously. The forklift crashes into the wall.

Speaker 2 One bison gets impaled. The door pops open.
The other one is stuck, pinned to the vehicle.

Speaker 2 He sees in immediate succession, a nerdy teenager yeet himself up onto the roof, his own boss, who he was just knocking on the door to go see, backflipping through the air off of the fucking thing.

Speaker 2 And then he sees a spider-like robot monster with the head of a woman bracing for impact as she draws a gun and points it at his head.

Speaker 2 And then he sees his teacher flying Superman style as she defenestrates through the front of the forklift, straight through the hallway door. I've got a quick idea.

Speaker 3 I've got so many arms is the thing. Can I do a disadvantaged dexterity roll to try to

Speaker 2 grab

Speaker 2 Kelsey? Grab Kelsey before she leaves the

Speaker 2 you can grab Kelsey, no problem. Okay, but it would be a disadvantage strength roll to hold on to her.
Okay. Dude tears off all her clothes and trying to buff as fuck under there.

Speaker 3 So the first one is a 39. So I'm re-rolling the tens digit.
59. Oh, 59.
I got it. Okay.
Like, one away.

Speaker 2 All right, great. So yes, Kelsey, you are about to blast through

Speaker 2 and probably lose a good chunk of HP. Describe how Trudy manages to brace Kelsey from flying through the window.

Speaker 2 And just so we have it fresh in our heads, paint for me the picture of what Trudy currently looks like. Because I know there was like a gun and a scooter

Speaker 2 and then we gave you robot legs and arms and I'm just having a tough time visualizing it.

Speaker 3 So the bottom of Trudy's personhood is a wheeled tripod. Okay.

Speaker 3 She's kind of held up by like a stick and she's a head on a stick.

Speaker 2 She's a head on a stick on a tripod.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that has two two legs coming out of the side of the stick and one coming out directly in front. And then she's got four arms from the back of the stick.

Speaker 2 I see.

Speaker 3 This is like a spider, like a doc ox scenario.

Speaker 2 So skibbity toilet coat. So it's like a camera tripod on wheels.
Yes. But then on the stick part, there are also four hands coming out.
Yeah, arms. Arms, arms.

Speaker 2 And then what's the one that's sticking out in front?

Speaker 2 She has an extra leg. So she has two legs in addition to the tripod.
She has two legs in addition to the tripod.

Speaker 3 Three legs, actually.

Speaker 2 There's two legs going down and then one leg sticking out yeah forward

Speaker 2 that is hold aiming the gun because there's also a gun that's like my big gun yeah

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 cool

Speaker 2 i'll try to make a funko pop out of that one funko

Speaker 2 this one funko engineer's right she's still kind of experimenting with her new body and so she's holding on to the forklift with three arms currently and then she's like wait a minute i don't need three arms and so as kelsey kelsey goes rocketing forward trudy takes one of the arms off of the forklift and just like grabs her by the ankle and kind of is able to oh wow by the so she's like most of the way out of the door by the time she gets like i mean that works that's right flying forward okay so i would have flying forward and uh kelsey closed her eyes like i knew this is how i was gonna go and then all of a sudden just like i close my eyes accept my death and just the soft touch of an angel grabs my feet and i think i'm in heaven and i open my eyes but no

Speaker 2 i'm still here And I turn around, I see Trudy holding my feet. I go, thank you.
It's a robotic head spider instead of an angel. Thank you, Trudy.

Speaker 3 It seems like you were already accepting your death.

Speaker 2 I was. I mean, I don't know if we're all going to make it out of here, but you know, now that I've gone through it, I feel invincible.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think we're going to get through this.

Speaker 2 Says the guy who you're still fighting, and he draws a dagger to attack you. Kelsey, lift him, lift him up.
Now we're going to do initiative.

Speaker 2 I don't imagine this being a quick conflict. You don't imagine it being quick.
Yeah, right. Not with this crew.

Speaker 2 Okay, everyone give me your dexterity. 60.
Not all of them. Everyone had to say that.
Ready? Three, two, one, 55.

Speaker 2 75, 60 is 57. I don't, just that without names means nothing to me.
Freddy's 75. Freddie's 75.
Anthony's 60. Matt is 57.

Speaker 3 Beth, 25.

Speaker 2 Pretty dexterous head, all things considered. Yeah.
Things not to say to your girlfriend.

Speaker 2 The all things considered so many.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that would be an honor.

Speaker 2 If you say all things considered after a blowjob, like that's a little

Speaker 2 pretty dexterous.

Speaker 3 It depends on where it's happening.

Speaker 2 That's true. Yeah, I guess if you're on like a

Speaker 2 depends on what things are being considered.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what the considerations are.

Speaker 2 Dude, Roadhead and a monster truck, dude? That'd be awesome.

Speaker 2 Which monster truck would you most want to get? The one with the dog ears.

Speaker 2 A little extra privacy, you know what?

Speaker 2 Did you want to get your dome sucked in monster mud? Monster mud, dude. Or the unicorn one that you can pick on confetti afterwards.
I know is Andy's watching Monster Trucks now. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you think it was a Monster Jam? I want to deafen my

Speaker 2 insanely boring and insanely louder. They bring

Speaker 2 ear protection. Everything.

Speaker 3 You ever blown a man in Gravedigger?

Speaker 2 That's the inside of the

Speaker 2 hard to get two people in there. All things considered, pretty good.

Speaker 2 All things considered. Pretty dexterous head, all things considered.

Speaker 2 Well, it's very gross. This is NPR's, all things considered.
It was pretty good head. Dexter's head sounds like a pretty funny bod girl thing.

Speaker 2 Hello, Mr. Bond.
I'm Dr. Dextrous Head.

Speaker 2 Ultra. Quiet.

Speaker 2 We'll find out.

Speaker 2 Man, Bond rules, dude.

Speaker 2 End of the movie Bond's like, I have to say, Dr. Head, you live up to your name.

Speaker 2 And is like watching on the spy camera, like, 007.

Speaker 2 You're getting your head talked by Dextrous Head in a monster truck. Keep your head, 007.
Oh, it's not my head. I need to be.
They're going to Detoning Connection.

Speaker 2 Now, now she's going to be called like Alison, and she runs a business.

Speaker 2 Sorry, cut that out.

Speaker 2 Sorry, cut that out.

Speaker 2 That's gross.

Speaker 2 I'm a bad person. I'm a bad person.
No, I mean, you're not wrong. You're not saying it's good or bad.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 all right. Q they're going to detonate a nuke at Anaheim at Monster Jab.

Speaker 2 Allison.

Speaker 2 Going undercover as the driver of Gold Fucker. All right.
Shut up.

Speaker 2 You were the one talking.

Speaker 2 I don't know how we're going to recover from this. Blake, you're up first.
You're still mid-pirouette.

Speaker 2 What would you like to do? Well, I'd like to finish that off, first of all. That's what Dexter's head said.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sorry, Allison. Can I just like land, do a forward roll on?

Speaker 2 My name is Allison, and I run a business.

Speaker 2 And that means I won't be taking any of yours.

Speaker 2 That's good.

Speaker 2 Awesome rocks. This looks pretty awesome, it turns out.
Pretty three-dimensional care. Can't wait for the screen ran article on Allison, dude.

Speaker 2 Five things you won't believe about Allison, the new con girl. Well, number one, she runs a business.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 Dude, that's the day that Bond girl became Bond woman.

Speaker 2 She's the new Bond girl boss, if you will.

Speaker 2 So I'm going to do a forward roll, and then I'm going to end up right under his chin. And there's going to be a gun there.

Speaker 2 Weapons his ass. Give me a dexterity roll to get into position.
23. Fantastic.
Perfect for this. So you stick the landing with your gun right under his head.
Give me a, I mean, I guess.

Speaker 2 I I don't even have to need to. This is point blank, right? There's point blank rules.
Oh, yeah, that's true. Just give me a fucking shoot that gun, dude.

Speaker 2 I go Blamo, and my gun speaks to him from under his chin. It has one thing to say very loudly.
Bang. Okay.
And somehow it only does four points of damage to his skull.

Speaker 2 Your revolver speaks its sensuous tongue. However, its words missed the mark.
You managed to like graze the side of this guy's head. He's got an undercut now.

Speaker 2 He's got a cool undercut now, and like half of his ear is missing. Cool.
And at the same time, you also shoot the bison mask off of him, revealing the face of Freddy Fremantle,

Speaker 2 town minor league baseball star who is like, ah, you should have stayed on shortstop. It is now Freddie Fremantle's turn.
And he says,

Speaker 2 boss, but we were just coming to get you. You're fired.

Speaker 2 He's going to make a strength trick to try to get away. So he passes his strength check.
Shit.

Speaker 2 And so he rips his bison rope free. And now he's just going to fucking run like hell.
Are they naked under the ropes? He's got funny boxers on. Oh, do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like in the cartoon when they got little funny hearts.

Speaker 3 You know what'd be the funniest thing is like a pair of boxer print on boxers.

Speaker 2 I wonder where I can get that.

Speaker 2 Is that going to be in Beth Mayer rickin' apparel?

Speaker 3 No, we literally already sell it on the dungeons.

Speaker 2 Oh, I think I'm gonna boxer like a dog. Yeah, that's what he's got.
He's got cute little boxers and there's both boxer dogs and then boxer guys.

Speaker 2 And then, yeah, it's like, oh, Jack Johnson's on there posing. Yeah.
And then he says, my other boxers are my pants because sometimes I don't wear underwear. That's what it says on the road.

Speaker 2 This guy is fucking

Speaker 2 pretty freemantle. I'm the funny baseball player.
We can't kill this guy. He runs like the Dickens.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Crudy, take aim.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I want to.

Speaker 2 It is Francis's turn. I would like to chase him down and slice at him with my sword.
We'll say if you do a full move action across the rooftop, you can do a leaping slash at him with your

Speaker 2 sword. So yes, this will be a dexterity roll.

Speaker 2 That is a 33 irregular success. Okay, great.

Speaker 2 Now we can do the traditional fighting brawl matchup, but we will say because you are coming at him from this ninja-style angle, you can do advantage on your fighting brawl.

Speaker 2 That is an 81 out of 71, so very glad to have that advantage. That is a 41 out of 71, which is a regular success.

Speaker 2 He got a 13 out of 60.

Speaker 2 Is he dodging or fighting back? He was dodging because he's just trying to get out of here now.

Speaker 2 So the same way he sensed the headlights of the forklift, he senses a shadow falling over him and he looks up and he sees backlit by the moon, Francis Farnsworth. Some kid.
Some kid.

Speaker 2 His katana glinting in the moonlight, which looks super cool and farms a ton of aura. However, it does also give Francis away.

Speaker 2 So he's able to dodge out of the path of your steel as you stick down into the ground. First one's a warning.
It is now Kelsey's turn. I'm kind of like halfway through the window.

Speaker 2 Trudy's holding my foot. The rest of my body's kind of like over the hood or whatever.
I'm kind of laid down, so I'm in perfect stable aiming position.

Speaker 2 I got my Derringer, 1014, and I'm going to aim it and we're going to fucking shoot. Next round, it'll be disadvantaged.
Yeah, but he's one move. Yeah, he's one full move away.

Speaker 2 But yes, give me your shot.

Speaker 2 So, first off, there's rifle and shotgun, and then there's handguns. And my handgun is actually only 20.
Okay, super success. Super success.
Okay, great. Give me a 1d6 firearms rifle.
A six. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 Okay. And you did four damage to him, right, Freddie? Is that what you said? Correct.
I was in my head calculating that he had 10 HP. Nice.
So

Speaker 2 as he's running away, he's like, I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it.
I'm going to make it all the way to the mage.

Speaker 2 And then just like fucking, like a little peach of a shot cracks out from the Derringer and just pops straight through the back of his skull and out the front of his skull.

Speaker 2 Never was good at stealing bases. And he drops dead on the ground.

Speaker 2 Puff of red blood lit up in the moonlight however team we've gotten really good at killing people i know that's i don't like that but whatever we gotta do practice makes perfect tossed by derringer i got 13 more of that

Speaker 2 so yes you now have 13 derringer shots we are now going to give dr man a listen roll to see if all of this noise woke him up from his unconscious stupor can we see him you cannot see him so it wasn't like in the living room he passed his listen check as your shot cracks out and this guy drops to the ground you hear a door swing open and you see dr man clutching his head stagger out of his bathroom he's like what is going up and he looks up and he sees all of you in the doorway

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Speaker 2 We are going to add him to the initiative, and his dex is an 85.

Speaker 2 Fast doctor.

Speaker 2 Dr. Man.
Dr. Man.
Well, he works with his hands. He has a very dexterous head.
However, I believe it is Trudy's turn. So, Trudy, you're going to get one free action.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm going to shoot Dr. Man.

Speaker 2 Okay, give me a firearms roll.

Speaker 3 Ookie doke. I fail.
I got 63.

Speaker 2 So, boom! A shot bursts out from this gun and punches a hole in the wall behind him, and his eyes go wide.

Speaker 2 And you see, he's probably going to also likewise bolt to some other location the second his turn comes around, which is now. Damn it.

Speaker 2 You see that he was in the middle of getting prepared for tonight. So he is also wearing his bison robes, and he's not wearing his mask, but he is going to just bolt for the back door.

Speaker 2 Blake, it's your turn. I'm going to try to cut him off, I think, by going around the outside.
Oh, okay. We've got a runner.

Speaker 2 They always run. They always run.
Everybody runs. So you use your full move action.
Let's say you round the corner. You do like a Ferris Bueller over the fence.

Speaker 2 There's a lady sunbathing out there and you're like, hey, how's it going? How's it going?

Speaker 2 And then you do a big jump to get over the other side and you land in the backyard just as the door is bursting open. On his next turn, you guys will be basically meeting in the backyard.

Speaker 2 Francis, it is your turn. Francis is going to do his best to run inside and swipe at the man.

Speaker 2 You're pretty far away because you were chasing after Freddie Fremantle, everyone's favorite baseball player. Sure.

Speaker 2 So we'll say in your turn, you're able to make it up through the house and like halfway through the house, house, but you see him going out the back. He's going out the back.

Speaker 2 Kelsey, what would you like to do? Which way are you running? He's going through the house. Blake's going around the side.

Speaker 2 It's just like in law and order when they're chasing the perp. Yeah, I'm going to hop back in the seat and back up the forklift.
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.
And start driving along the sidewalk.

Speaker 2 I mean, he's riding away from the sidewalk right now because he's going through his backyard. Backyard.
You're going to off-road it through the backyard? Yeah, there you go.

Speaker 2 And here's what we'll say. He is about to burst through the back door of his backyard.
Blake is on one side, gone at the ready. Kelsey is rounding the corner on the other side on the forklift.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Francis is chasing him through the back. Trudy, what are you doing? Oh, I guess you're in the car with Kelsey.
Oh, yeah, sure.

Speaker 3 I'll stay in the car.

Speaker 2 How fast can Trudy go? We'll say you can go as fast as a person on roller skates. Okay.

Speaker 2 If you use two of your arms, that's pretty fucking fast. Like a fucked up toy in Sid's workshop.
Yep. You can get like roller skate speed, but not on grass, which is where you are in the back.

Speaker 2 Fair enough. So you guys are all rounding the corner.
He bursts through the door. He immediately clocks his surroundings and sees himself coming around one corner with his gun.

Speaker 2 Uh, he sees a child with a samurai sword chasing behind him, and then a woman and a robot monster on a forklift coming around the other corner.

Speaker 2 He's going to make a break for it as well, and he's going to try to vault the fence at the back of his yard. I don't like that.
We'll call you a monster.

Speaker 3 I mean, it was my character, Matt.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know, but I just meant Trudy, like a robot, cool robot. Cool, robot monster.

Speaker 3 You know what, Matt? You're right.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I changed my mind. He is problematic.

Speaker 2 He got a 15 to scramble up the back of

Speaker 2 his fence. I was like, I'm going to blast through that fence.
I feel like a four-cooler could go through a fence without throwing somebody out of it. Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So, yes, he vaults the fence

Speaker 2 and lands on the other side and just keeps booking it. It is now Blake's turn.
I think I'm going to continue the pursuit on foot.

Speaker 2 If you want to pursue him, you're also going to have to make a dexterity roll to get over this fence or use a strength roll to blast through it. Those are.

Speaker 2 95.

Speaker 2 And I have 75 on on both. So I think I just go, I will blast through this fence and I just go.

Speaker 2 So you just slam in. Like a kid into a screen door.
Okay, you just body check the fence. Okay, great.
This is the 1950s fences, back when they were making shit out of real wood.

Speaker 2 Water, real wood, not particle board or whatever. Yeah, so you just goof it straight in

Speaker 2 wood and bodies flying through it. And you get knocked off and give me a one HP of damage.

Speaker 2 It is Francis's turn. Oh, my nose.
Oh, my nose. Francis is going to try to leap over the fence.

Speaker 2 And with a

Speaker 2 62,

Speaker 2 he almost did.

Speaker 2 That's so wild to be like, this incredibly well-made fence is stopping.

Speaker 2 So, yes, we'll say that Francis, you spring up. This time you underpower.
Because you were like, you overdid it with the leg last time.

Speaker 2 So this time you underpower and just like your neck hits the top of the fence. And then you also wind up clonked on the ground, which means Matt, you now have two obstructions in your way.

Speaker 2 Can I hold my turn so Trudeau can go first? You could go on top of the forklift thing, and I can raise it so that at the very least you go over the fence. Oh.
Oh, sick. Yeah, I like that.

Speaker 2 Fucking half-life puzzle ass shit. Yeah.
Okay, cool. That's what I was saying, Francis, hang on, but you should try leaping.
We'll say that's a free action for you to do that.

Speaker 2 As I'm driving through, I'm just going to also lift up the forklift. Trudy goes first.

Speaker 2 But first, you're going to have to give me a drive roll to find a spot in the fence that's not blocked by Blake lying on the ground or Francis dankling from the fence. 20.
Out of. Driving? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I got 75 drives. Okay, sick.
So, yes, you're able to

Speaker 2 and skid your way through the lawn. And Trudy's raising up.

Speaker 2 I write as Truzy's rising, and boom, you hit the fence. It blows wide open.
Trudy, you are now in prime position. You're looking down the forklift at a stupefied Doctor Man as he looks up at you.

Speaker 3 How far away is he from me?

Speaker 2 We'll say he's basically right on the other side of the fence because he has not gone yet.

Speaker 3 I don't have good dexterity, so I have to be kind of practical about what you're doing.

Speaker 2 You want a fighting brawl roll to try to jump on him. You could use all your arms.
You got like nine arms and

Speaker 2 fighting brawl.

Speaker 3 I have 45.

Speaker 2 You're not as far apart as the roof and Francis and the other guy, so I don't think you have to make a Dex roll. I think you could just basically try to tackle if you want.
I failed. Okay.

Speaker 2 Trudy launches spider-like arms and legs flailing in the air. And again, you're still getting used to your new robot body.
You just haven't quite figured out the trajectories.

Speaker 2 And you turf it into the ground next to him. It is his turn.
So we're now in the neighbor's backyard, we'll say.

Speaker 2 And he spots a cool bicycle

Speaker 2 like leaning on the side of the house. So he's going to make a sprint for the bicycle.
And if he's not taken care of on the next turn, you guys may wind up in a chase. Damn.
He gets the kickstand out.

Speaker 2 It's like a kid's bike. It's got those little streamers on the side, but it's like an older kid, so he can still go decently fast on it if you want to.

Speaker 2 And he's about to do a push start right as we go to Blake's turn. Has anybody done like a scene in like a horror movie where they like try to turn the key and it doesn't work?

Speaker 2 But you're on a bike and you try to kick the kickstand and it doesn't work.

Speaker 2 That's what he's doing. Or it's like it's locked to a thing.

Speaker 2 Oh, the key's on. Oh, yeah, the key.

Speaker 2 I want to do that thing where, like, I aim one of the guns, but I put my other arm in front of me so that I can balance my hand on top of my arm like a cool.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. Like, you know, you put it on your hand, you're not balancing it.
Yeah, you're stabilizing it. You're aiming.
You're aiming, as they call it. You're aiming the gun.
Is there a world?

Speaker 2 Is that what he said? Is there a world where I can aim my gun with one hand and put my hand on the other hand? All right, give me a firearms roll.

Speaker 2 I'm going to look up the gun cutter rules in a second, but for now, let's say you have advantage on your gun rolls.

Speaker 2 58 miss. Boom! A bullet whizzes through the air

Speaker 2 and goes ka-poing! Like it pierces one of the streamers on the side of his still getting used to it.

Speaker 2 Stop. We don't want to shoot you, but we will if you keep moving.
These are all threats. Three, purple.
All of these are intentional threats. Francis, it's your turn.

Speaker 2 I'm going to try and run up and fucking slash at him. As a threat.
As a threat. As a threat.
Ah,

Speaker 2 seven.

Speaker 2 Nice. Oh, no.
Highlander. That's a fighting brawl roll, right? Yeah.
And I've looked up. Tell me if you agree with this, that a katana is akin to a wood axe.
Sure.

Speaker 2 That means it's 1d8 plus 2 plus my damage bonus, which is zero. So 1d8 plus 2.
I got good news for you. He failed his dodge roll.
Fantastic. That'll be six damage altogether.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Your katana comes down across his back in a brutal flash. A spray of red mist comes out of the back of his bison's cloak and he staggers.
He is looking the worse for wear.

Speaker 2 He's still up, but he is definitely grievously wounded by this blow. It is now Kelsey's turn.
Can I get to him? Yeah, if you can fucking get to him.

Speaker 2 I'm just going to run and then I'm just going to like wrap around the front tire like a little shrimp. On the bike? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I grab it.

Speaker 2 I'll let somebody else kill.

Speaker 2 There's a shrimp around my bike. That fucking sucks.

Speaker 2 Fetal position. I'm going to shrimp the bike.
Yeah. That bike's not going anywhere.
I'm holding my hands on the spoke. So dignified.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we'll do an opposed strength roll for him to break the bike free if he so chooses. Okay.
And it's now Trudy's turn.

Speaker 3 He's up next, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was wondering if we need info from him. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Trudy's going to try to restrain him. Okay.

Speaker 2 Grapple him. Yeah.
Okay, great. You're going to do like a fighting maneuver? Yeah.
Give me a fighting brawl roll. Okay.

Speaker 2 Does her new robot body get like bonus on grapple? So she's got literally like I passed anyway.

Speaker 3 It's fine.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I got a 24 out of out of 45.

Speaker 2 so he's gonna do a dodge roll to try to escape your grapple but you got a what kind of success regular success i think that is a regular success yes

Speaker 2 he critically failed he fumbled his dodge hell yeah so you got him

Speaker 2 like you're just wrapped around him like a spider and he just turns it onto the ground because he critically failed i will say that you guys are out of combat nice um you grab him he hits his head on the bike on the way down then he hits his head on that jagged edge of like the fucking steps.

Speaker 2 And so like he's out. If you guys are hoping to fucking talk to Dr.

Speaker 2 Mann, we can say that it's like in the movies when the guy comes to and like we're with his perspective and he looks around and he sees all of you. Where do you guys want him when he wakes up?

Speaker 2 I think speed is more of an essence right now than a mission impossible tricky trick. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we wake up as Wolf Blitzer. Yes.

Speaker 2 Beachy Bill was destroyed today when a big dick came out of the sky. Yeah, we do the whole thing where it's like we get Francis dressed up as a newscaster and it's just like playing on the radio.

Speaker 2 It's like your plan failed. I don't know what you do.
You guys can try if you want, but you have only a couple minutes until you get up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're not doing that.

Speaker 2 I wake him up.

Speaker 2 He's completely held by Trudy, right? Yes. Okay.
I'm going to say, I don't have a lot of time, so I'm going to give you 30 seconds. Tell us something useful.

Speaker 2 We're going to go stop you and then I'm going to shoot you in the head. If you don't, that's it.
You're about to give birth to Zozelle. What? Yeah, we're going to give birth.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What is the process of doing so? What are you going to do as Dr. Man once you arrive at the circus? I'm going to go ahead and say and all of the bisons are prepared to die when this happens.

Speaker 2 Okay, and I stab you in the chest. I shoot him at the same time.

Speaker 2 Let's go through shit. Let's go through shit.

Speaker 2 The fastest and daring nation scene in any movie. All right, Cablemo.
He wasn't going to tell us anything.

Speaker 2 And I, unlike the U.S. government, knows that torture is a reliable way to get information.

Speaker 2 Sorry, well, I'm not going to fall for your conservative trap of torturing this man for information that would be helpful for this game. Absolutely not.

Speaker 2 I will do the ethical thing and shoot him in the head immediately. Well, he's dead.
Cool. All right.
We loot his house. Now, it's gonna take time to reloot his house.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're gonna do it as fast as possible. Oh, no, they're pounding on the door.
We're about ready to go to do the thing. So is the thing in the ocean.

Speaker 2 The only reason we came here was to make sure he didn't show up and ruin our game. And also, you would have your bag by the door ready to go or whatever, right?

Speaker 2 You're not, it's not like he was packing while the guy's like, hold on, hold on. They're ready for it.

Speaker 3 We should do a Nickelodeon super toy run.

Speaker 2 Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 2 Just five of us. We have 90 seconds in the house.
Yeah. We split up and we just get what we get.
Okay. Jose Kelsey's a very good snooper.
She loves snooping. She loves snooping.

Speaker 2 Whenever she gets invited to like, you know, but just her parents' household,

Speaker 2 no, she's got to be a pro because, you know, she gets invited to parents for a dinner and she goes, okay, I'm just going to go to the bathroom. And she snoops.

Speaker 2 Is she snooping? She hurts battles.

Speaker 2 You don't need to snoop in the bathrooms. You snoop everywhere.

Speaker 2 You see with like meds there. Yeah, you got to see the meds.
Yeah, but that takes two seconds. I want to see what's going on in the bed.
Plus, it's the 50s, so everyone's on bike hidden. Yeah.

Speaker 2 All these little helpers. Uppers and downers.
Everybody give me a spot-hidden roll. Everyone gets one spot-hidden roll on their way through the house.

Speaker 2 And then you can come up with the theme of the item that we find based off where we ran to. So I ran to his bedroom.
So I got the bedroom because we're splitting up. I ran to his sex dungeon.

Speaker 2 You ran to his sex dungeon. I ran to his office.
You ran to his office. I ran into his den.
His den. Wow.
He's got a big house. Big house.
He's a doctor. Well, folks, I failed my spot hidden.

Speaker 2 Okay, I love it. Nothing in the bedroom.
Nothing in the den.

Speaker 3 I got a super success.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's very good. What did you get, Freddie? I got regular success in his sex.
All right, this is good. All right, Freddy, you find a pristine bison robe and mask.

Speaker 2 Seems like he had one fresh one on it. No nut.
Huh? No nut on it. They don't even invented UV lights yet.
So I can tell you.

Speaker 2 I didn't say it smells clean. I'm just saying it doesn't have a bunch of blood and puncture wounds on it.
Ah, yes.

Speaker 2 So, yes, you guys have one fresh mask and bison robe that smells a little like one of those trees. The Linden Tree.
The Linden Tree. Beth, you find the following document,

Speaker 2 which I'm about to send to you. You find what appears to be a script for what Dr.
Man is supposed to say during the ritual that he's about to go to. Wow.

Speaker 2 So that is what you find. You could Terry Longer, but who knows when that thing in the sky is going to bust a thick load.
Terry Longer is a good name for a Bond girl.

Speaker 3 Nice.

Speaker 2 That's good. Bonboy.
There should be Bonboys. There should be Bond Boys.
Bonboys called Terry Longer. There are two bison outfits on the two people we killed, also.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Those are some degree of fucking outfit. Yes, yes.
So, yes. One guy has a big fucking skewer through him.
It got impaled by the forklift. And the other one has a fucking head shot.
This is very good.

Speaker 2 Actually, no, the other guy, Freddy Fremantle, he busted through it. So there's a little tear on the bottom.
Yeah. But there's probably a bullet at the very top where no one would look.

Speaker 2 Because Freddy grazed the fucking mask. That's where he is.
One has damage to the body, one has damage to the mask.

Speaker 2 This is the fun mechanic, right? This is very fun, what I'm about to do.

Speaker 2 You have one primo outfit that's mint, right? Yeah. Dr.
Mann's outfit was fucked up to shit back. I mean, he wasn't wearing his helmet or his helmet, his bison mask.

Speaker 2 Which is fine because we don't need you. Somebody write this down because you guys should keep track of this.

Speaker 2 From the two guys outside, you have two bison masks, one undamaged, one damaged, and then you have two robes, one damaged, one undamaged.

Speaker 2 We're going to combine the two undamaged ones, so now we have two undamaged outfits,

Speaker 2 and then we have have one damaged one. And then Kelsey is going to take just the robe that because I think the outfits wouldn't fit Kelsey because Kelsey's the biggest of everybody.

Speaker 2 Yeah, also I will remind you one of you is a fucked up robot monster skeleton with a gun. That's fine.
I think we have a medicine bag.

Speaker 2 I might not look like a but they have a big rope so if you tighten up the robe it would just be a head. A head.

Speaker 2 That's really good.

Speaker 2 That's true. Yeah.
Is Dr. Man's robe different than anybody else's or it's the same? No, it's the same.
Okay, great. Okay, cool.
You should use Dr. Man's robe.
Yes, I will use the pristine one.

Speaker 2 The pristine one. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I'll use one of the messed up ones because if my arm is coming out a weird thing, I'll just say that I got hurt a weird way.

Speaker 2 And then Francisco. Yes, we will say that we, all of us, attacked all of these people here and we fended them off and they are still on the run.
Ah, the guttural screams.

Speaker 2 We will even say the guttural screams are another place to throw the scent off. And then I'll try, maybe I should just take the forklift with me and I can just say I'm working here.

Speaker 2 Hey, I'm working here. You don't think you could send one of these? I'm really sneaky, so I might not necessarily need it.
That's true.

Speaker 3 Or, Francis, you could ride on Kelsey's shoulders.

Speaker 2 It's the tallest bison in the whole town.

Speaker 2 You are very sneaky. Okay, you're right.
Are you okay with that? I'm okay with you having my robe, yeah. You have just a robe.

Speaker 2 You don't have a helmet or a bison mask, but it's also a really fucked up robe. Yeah.
Okay. You could be under the Trudy tent.
Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's got space down there because she's just a tripod. Yeah.
I can move you around. Yeah.
I'll hold you like a fucking steady can.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Speaker 2 She's got space down there.

Speaker 2 I'm looking for a woman with space down there.

Speaker 2 That's the weirdest way of saying childbearing hips.

Speaker 2 She has space down there. So here's what I'm hearing.
Freddie and Matt are both in

Speaker 2 primo outfits. Freddy with no mask.
Freddy no mask. Matt mashed up in a bison outfit.
Trudy is in a beat to shit outfit with the damaged mask and the damaged robe. Oh, we do have two good masks.

Speaker 2 We have two good masks. So she's got a good mask, but damaged rope.
Yeah. And then Frances is hiding with Trudy inside.
Is this like it's going to be Frances's arms sticking out? No, she's got arms.

Speaker 2 I mean, she's got arms for days, dude. Okay.
She's got arms.

Speaker 3 I think, if anything, my arms sticking out weird ways will help sell that I got attacked by the guttural screen.

Speaker 2 So, okay, I see. Okay, great.
All right. Yeah.
You know, I will also say you find the keys to Dr. Man's car.
Cool. Delightful.
Those are just on the little keyhole.

Speaker 2 Well, they're probably ready to drive him to the thing, right? They were outside. Oh, that's true.
Yeah, the engine's eyeballing. The two guys, yes, you have the car that they were.
Okay. All right.

Speaker 2 Now, here's the thing. There's everything in their pockets.
Freddie Fremantle had a dagger, and he also had a little bobblehead of Dave Ruth because he's a baseball. And he's funny boxers.
Cool.

Speaker 2 And the other guy who we'll say was

Speaker 2 Terry Hatcher. He had a copy of a James Bond novel.
Tomorrow Never Dies was a canon novel in this crazy alternative universe. Trudy, we're playing that you were.
This is on the drive-over. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're driving. Trudy, you were playing that you were mad injured.
Francis, you are underneath there. How's it going? I'm pretty good.

Speaker 2 So it makes sense that when we get there, Trudy, Francis, you too might need to go to see the medical whatever. Yes.
Yes. That way you can get in deep and then take them out from within,

Speaker 2 causing a disturbance elsewhere.

Speaker 3 Oh, and you, you should probably have this script.

Speaker 2 What the fuck, Trudy? Why did you... I'm we're driving over.
I've been doing it for a few years and I'm hoping you can get it into the right hands. Exterior football game.

Speaker 2 She's hot, but she doesn't know it.

Speaker 3 No, it's just what you're supposed to say as Dr. Mann.

Speaker 2 I think we just check the vibe when we get there.

Speaker 2 100% vibe. There's like a big circle.
Like all the bicycles are in a big circle. She would have to be the circle too.
Skinny circle. What are you guys going to do?

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're going to park outside like we're normal ass people and walk inside like normal man. We're going to act like Dr.
Mann and say, yeah, I'm ready for the fucking

Speaker 2 ceremony. I'm going to have the hangnail inside the medical bag.

Speaker 3 Yes. And we don't know who the vessel is, right?

Speaker 2 No, you do not. Okay.
You guys see, as you're driving towards town, this circus tent looming in the distance where this ominous cloud is swirling above it.

Speaker 2 You also see almost like a grim parade in the street.

Speaker 2 You see a processional where two lines of these bisons are holding the seed bearer who has a hood draped over their face, who's kind of kicking and struggling as they're marching.

Speaker 3 I don't know who it is, unfortunately. Who do you think it is?

Speaker 2 I think it's my son.

Speaker 2 How big is this person? How big is the person? They seem bigger than Trudy's son. Okay, okay.
I think it's going to be my sister. I think it's going to be my sister.

Speaker 2 That's the only person we care about. Your sister? We don't know where she is, Roz.
We don't know where Roz is, right? You don't know where Roz is. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 Either way, we're not going to have to kill them. We're going to kill you.
Is she like Roz size? It could be Roz size. It looks like grown-up size.
I'll say that. It's like grown-up size.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 It's not your son. Okay.
Okay. But nothing's going to happen to them anyways.
Yes, yes. Nothing's going to happen to them.
I want to try to.

Speaker 2 Just to clarify,

Speaker 2 this person, whoever they are, has to be fed to mother. First for

Speaker 2 Zuzel is birthed, you're going to stab Zuzel in the the head so yes something is definitely happening one person's dying no matter what yes yeah oh you know we did our best yeah all things considered harm reduction is a viable strategy for life if one person has to die i'm not saying it's good but like there's no other option i would volunteer if it was up to me yeah

Speaker 2 i know you would but i don't i'm just saying you know i'm gonna kind of whisper just to blake hey blake yes one of us has to do it right francis is too young Trudy's got a kid.

Speaker 2 You don't got anything to live for anymore. First of all, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 And neither do I, really, in terms of like, I mean, we do, but we're older. We're, we're the adults, so we have to do this.
Yes, Kelsey, that's why I am in the shape of Dr. Man in front of you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I'm saying to actually stab the hangnail. Yes, Kelsey, I'm the one that's going to be the closest.

Speaker 2 How did you think this was going to play out? I thought I was going to do it, but. Yeah, but how? You're not the doctor?

Speaker 2 Okay. What were you going to be doing? Like, hanging out next to me and then...
Yeah. Yeah, I was with you.

Speaker 2 that what okay no it's great wow you're really brave blake i will do what is required of me i have seen many things kelsey and this is but a soldier's duty to save the world to save the town that he has called his home the place that he loves it is worth a sacrifice and it is worth whatever it takes to hang on to this also you'll turn into a demigod it might be sick francis you're so dead on my dude you're reading my mind i know right i do want to remember that you guys have a second option.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the one in a million shot.

Speaker 2 And you did call Werner von Braun or whoever to get the calculations to do that. That's true.
So you have that. That's a follow-up.
In our back pocket, we have the calculations of the Nazi.

Speaker 2 If this were a movie, we should try that one first. Yeah, maybe we should try that.
Maybe we should try that one first, Blake. Well, we only get the one shot.

Speaker 2 No matter how brave and handsome and attractive you seemed in that moment, I think we should try the one in a million shot first.

Speaker 2 There's no, as you say that, Kelsey, you remember that John, when he was explaining that the way that this worked is you either get to shoot a beam and take the shot and maybe miss and fuck up and destroy the world or you get to do the demigod thing.

Speaker 2 All right, team huddle. Let's settle what we're going to do.
Oh, you need a huddle. We're in a car.

Speaker 2 Well, I was whispering to Blake. You guys heard what Blake said?

Speaker 3 There's a huddle with all of us.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's interesting. We're included now.

Speaker 2 I'm just, I just didn't. Trudy, I care a lot about you, and I think you have a lot to live for with Timmy.
I wasn't going to let you sacrifice yourself. Maybe that's selfish, but I wasn't going to.

Speaker 2 And Francis, I know you, you're super gung-ho about just ending it all and being a hero, but you're a kid and you're, you're growing, and you're becoming a better person every day and you got plenty to live for too me and blake we're over 40.

Speaker 2 like it's already

Speaker 2 we're already halfway done so what if that's why that's optimistic i could have included all of us in in it but now we're here we should know what we're doing as a team and

Speaker 2 are we gonna shoot the shot or is blake gonna turn into a demigod we have a certainty of success or a one in million chance of success. I think it's pretty clear what we'd have to do.

Speaker 2 I mean, certainty is... I don't believe it's certain.

Speaker 2 If you turn into a demigod, I think you pretty much get get to do whatever you feel like yeah okay which is why you're scared of me becoming the demigod that's also part of it yes yeah how would the one the million shot work it was the power would go into what basically so here's again this is as you remember john explaining it to you when you stab the hangnail into Zuzel's skull you will absorb all of his sort of spiritual essence the same way that 10,000 souls needed to be sacrificed to bring Zuzel into this world you're going to essentially sacrifice Zuzel but and bring all of his power into this dagger then you have a choice you can either stab yourself with the dagger and become a demigod or you can essentially use the dagger like a wand and fire it in a big eldritch blast, but you're going to have to aim right to hit your target in the Atlantic Ocean.

Speaker 2 Man, you have the calculations on your side, and if you wanted to contrive some way to make sure you shot your shot, you would have to do that. And we could, I mean, but it's a risk.

Speaker 2 That's the uncertainty. And Blake will, I mean, if Blake becomes a demigod, he'll probably be, I mean, not dead, but he's not going to be Blake anymore.
No, to be a demigod.

Speaker 2 We can't say for sure if that's a good or bad thing. I'm just going to say my vote is to take the shot so that we don't lose any of us.
But that's just my vote, and I respect what the whole team says.

Speaker 2 That's kind of my vote, too, honestly. Oh, me.
You just want to take the shot? We have an even number of people, don't we? I can agree with you with your vote. I'm just gonna buy somebody.

Speaker 2 Well, now that I'm a deciding factor, just pretend Francis didn't talk. You're the third person to vote.

Speaker 2 You didn't hear what Francis said. What's your vote?

Speaker 3 My vote is that we're a bowling team and we can't lose any of us.

Speaker 2 Okay, so you vote to take the shot.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 quick huddle without Francis.

Speaker 2 I think Francis is not going to accept the group's decision. So just make sure he doesn't grab the hangnail, Blake.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I feel there's a good shot, he's going to try to get that thing and do the sacrifice. Guys, I'm going to be honest.
I am thinking about grabbing the hangnail.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's just Francis. You know what? There's a big thing on it.
That's a big step.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to

Speaker 2 not only be honest, but I'm trying to want to live. So I'm going to, as much as I physically can, stop myself from doing that.
But if things get bad, that is a pretty good plan B.

Speaker 2 I would like us all to agree on that.

Speaker 3 That's why it's an option.

Speaker 2 If the world does end because the four of us are trying to protect each other, I don't know. I can live with that.
That's kind of sweet, but like, there are like kids in Germany.

Speaker 2 But it's not, we're not the ones doing this. They're the bad guys.
We're doing our best. We are doing our best.
And we're trying to stop the world.

Speaker 2 And we're trying to do it while saying our best, though, if we're not optimizing for whatever. I believe you.
I'm willing to go along with this. All right.
So we got the calculations. Yeah.

Speaker 2 All we have to do is trust the math of a Nazi. Well, you actually, he wasn't.
And I want to, it wasn't Werner von Braun. It was.
That was the other owner. Right, right, right.
Yeah. John von Neumann.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Someone check these calculations. This is our plan.
This is our plan, right? So we know you have a lot of arms and you're, you got rigid metal.

Speaker 3 So I can count on many fingers.

Speaker 2 Yes. And so we can preset the angle of attack on Trudy already.
Yes. Yes.
Basically, von Neumann gave you the calculations of like, if you are standing at the exact center of town,

Speaker 2 he knows the longitude and latitude of the space dig. Yeah.
And he calculated the angle at which you would want to fire this thing. Yes.
The angle and the direction. Yes.

Speaker 2 So the direction, we will have to find a way to know the exact direction when we're there. But in terms of the angle upwards, we can put Trudy in that position now.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're just saying we need to arrange ourselves where we know what north is. So we just need a compass.

Speaker 2 And we need to be super precise because it's not going to be like, right, like being 0.001 degree off is millions of miles away. Which is going to be very difficult.

Speaker 2 Not millions of miles off, I will say. The moon is about 250,000 miles away from Earth.
No, we're not shooting at the moon. I'm just using that as a comparison to say there's no.

Speaker 2 I don't know where the dick hole is. It's not a million miles away because the Earth is only 60,000 miles around is my point.
Okay. You know what? I was thinking they should put compasses in cars.

Speaker 2 They should. Say that again.
My grandma had a compass on her car before GPSA.

Speaker 2 A little wobbly one. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Rip that shit off. Yes.
Does their car have a a wobbly compass a wobbly compass yes you know what you see a dinsmore dash compass in the car i rip it off oh and then we can attach it right your arm

Speaker 2 my leg that is horizontal whatever the limb you're using to shoot

Speaker 2 you should put the compass on that like an iron sight essentially so that is that is like a trebuchet so then i'm going to just like if you're a film person and you're setting little marks for a focus pole i'm going to mark on the compass oh where north should be pointing.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 If you're aiming in that direction, we will say that to hit your target in the Atlantic Ocean, yeah, you're aiming like so-and-so degrees east-northeast of you at, you know, a certain precise degree marking.

Speaker 2 She's what fucking hits you. We should pause the car for a second, find that exact angle that the scientist told us, and then we will notch the compass where the north sign is currently pointing.

Speaker 2 So that she has to match north to that sign again. You set her leg at the appropriate 49-degree angle.
Yes.

Speaker 2 la-la. She's got a lot of space down there.

Speaker 2 You can even say you prepped this before you went on your little murder rampage with the forklift if you want to. Cool.

Speaker 2 However, the one thing I will say is that now you have like this thing sticking out, which may make it harder to, you know, unless you're going to say that the guy in the tech.

Speaker 3 That's my dick.

Speaker 3 Trudy is practicing her man voice.

Speaker 2 Okay. Just to clarify, because like I don't want to be picky about this, because I don't think she has to stick anything out.
Look, this is the dagger. Yes.
Okay. It needs to be 49 degrees.

Speaker 2 So then, Trudy, okay, Trudy, super tight. That's it.
Remove the dagger. Okay, so you're exactly

Speaker 2 sheathed to 49 degrees. She doesn't have to do this or this or this.
She's just got perfect hole. She pours

Speaker 2 it. She's got a perfect hole.
She's got a great perfect hole. She's got a lot of space down there and a perfect hole.

Speaker 2 I don't want to be picking me up. I'm just like, there's no show.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to nickel dime you off. Now that her arm's not out, as far as everybody else is concerned, she's just got a robe on, and there's nothing weird happening.

Speaker 2 Fair enough. The only thing I will say then is that two of your four arms are permanently locked in this position.
That's right.

Speaker 2 And if you move them or they are jostled, you're going to have to reset that in the moment. And that's going to be something else that's going to take time that you may not have.

Speaker 2 You approach the big tent at the center of town. You see this procession being led in.
You see someone kicking and screaming as they're held back and restrained in this robe.

Speaker 2 And you see like two guys standing at the door as this procession kind of marches in.

Speaker 3 What do you do? We've got the code.

Speaker 3 This too shall pass.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's the code. Cool.
What are the four of you? You are parked, we'll say, sufficiently far away enough that no one has spotted you yet. I think the move is Dr.

Speaker 2 Man leads us his entourage into the middle of the and we move, like, walk confidently, and we'll just behind you.

Speaker 2 Yes, we move with the confidence and quickness of someone a little late to a thing they should be at. Mm-hmm.
You, I guess you're going to the head of the procession?

Speaker 2 No, we're just walking behind him. Like, we're part of his entourage.
No, but what are you, where are you going? Are you going straight?

Speaker 2 I'm trying to cut in front of the procession because I know I'm a little late. Okay, and so you're trying to get in ahead of them, essentially.
Because you got to be there to deliver. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Doctors here. Doctor's here.
Doctor's here. Move out of the way.

Speaker 2 You get to the front of the line, Blake. You can sense a feeling of relief from pretty much everybody here that you've decided to finally fucking show.
One guy does a little like, wee!

Speaker 2 The two guys that are at the door, they see you and they motion quickly for you to come.

Speaker 2 And I go, okay, okay, okay, I'm going as fast as I can. As you guys are approaching the line, everybody give me a spot-hidden roll.

Speaker 2 Come on, I failed last time. Not this time, though.
Two. Oh,

Speaker 2 super duper success. What did everyone else get? I fumbled.
Fumble. 59 miss.
That's very good.

Speaker 2 Okay, so Matt, as you are walking in, with your two, I'm going to make a raid. You see a lot of stuff.

Speaker 2 You can pretty much clock from the shape and the stagger and the wiggle and the junk in his trunk. that the person who's been tied up is Sven Anderson, the blind Anderson brother.
That's funny.

Speaker 2 Once you clock that, you realize that there are four people in this procession that seem to be like you, people in disguise. Oh, I love that.

Speaker 2 The first thing you clock is that all four of them, instead of wearing the sort of bog standard cultist boots, they've got natty spats on. What does that mean? Like gangster shoes.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Like spats. Like, you know what a spats are? I thought spats was like a nickname for like it's like a tuxedo.
Airplanes in World War II. No.
They have like fancy shoes on.

Speaker 2 These guys have fancy shoes so there's four guys with fancy shoes on but that's all you can tell you can tell that sven anderson is the guy who's being sacrificed and there seem to be four guys here that are not standard bisons and one of them has a sort of bulge underneath his robe like slung across his back but no one else seems to have hip to this yet idea who those people are ma anderson maybe or ma whatever gang oh maybe they're trying to airplane you play

Speaker 2 spend you played resistance you know how to do this you call them out so we're trustworthy. Oh, that's true.
Who's at the door? You just see two guys in bison masks. There's like two cards, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm gonna lean over to one of them. I'm gonna point out Mach and Rasid and they're ones.
And I go, I don't think they're supposed to be here. Who? Who are you pointing to? Those two.

Speaker 2 I point to you. Point to the four people? Yeah.
And I'll do your job. I would just take a quick look at them.
Okay. All right.
Thank you. Go in.
Go, go, go, go, go. Damn, that felt dirty.

Speaker 2 But, you know, you'll get over it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can't let them stop. It was the right thing to do.
It was the right thing to do.

Speaker 2 You see the procession move forward. Matt, as you're looking behind you, you see this guard as one by one, these people come up.
He stops each of them and pulls them to the side.

Speaker 2 We're going to give them a roll in a second. Everyone else comes in.
Blake, as you enter, you see it's almost like a kind of church set up in here.

Speaker 2 There's like almost like a carpet and like candles leading straight towards where would be the altar.

Speaker 2 You see a curtain hanging and you can see the giant sort of pulsing shape of something on the other side of this curtain. Oh man, it's scarier because I can't see it fully.

Speaker 2 You then see this sort of like snaking tendril like slithering out from underneath this curtain and it's slithering up the emaciated body of what looks to be like a military officer, almost like this withered corpse.

Speaker 2 Its eyes are rolled back. The tendrils have like penetrated the back of its skull and seem to be puppeting this guy like a marionette.
Dang, dude.

Speaker 2 Additionally, you see there are already a couple of bisons here. Unmasked, standing at a kind of pulpit is Brian Strikes Mitchell for Arch Nemesis Kelsey.

Speaker 2 And he is presently sort of reading a hymn from, do you guys remember the Epiderminomicon? This is the big spooky flesh book. How could we forget?

Speaker 2 He's reading from this flesh book and kind of chanting and providing a sort of malevolent aura to the proceedings.

Speaker 2 There are a couple other people you don't recognize, muckety mucks, higher-ups that seem to be very pissed off that Dr. Mann has taken so long to get here.

Speaker 2 Brian looks at you, Blake, and just glares at you. He is furious.
I'm going to throw him one of these.

Speaker 2 And just rolls his eyes. Typical Dr.
Man. The speaker looks at you as well.
The speaker's eyes seem to slide and his head turns in your direction. And he motions for you to stand sort of opposite Dr.

Speaker 2 Man,

Speaker 2 where you see a dais, and there is a potion sitting in a glass bottle on top of this thing. And it seems to be swirling with a sort of like spermy energy, frankly.
Like

Speaker 2 spermy energy.

Speaker 2 It has a sort of bio-organic, alien vibe to it. It's writhing and wriggling.
It seems to be alive. This processional comes in.
The seed bearer is brought forth and dropped to his knees.

Speaker 2 Matt, from where you're standing, you can still kind of peek outside a little bit. You see those guards talking to our four friends.
One by one, you see three of them bluff their way past this guard.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. Okay, good one.

Speaker 2 The fourth one. Fumbles his bluff.
And in the middle of sort of talking, you see him stutter and, you know, like you can't quite make out the conversation.

Speaker 2 But one of the guards grabs him from really high and the other one yanks his head off. And you see this

Speaker 2 yanks his boom.

Speaker 2 Yanks his bison mask off. And you see this gangster with like a scar down his face and like

Speaker 2 freaking out. And then they haul him off.
You know, then you see that basically just go stabbed his shit out of this. Holy shit.
Like they're not fucking around right now.

Speaker 2 But the others three seem to have slipped past. Dang.
Oh, man. Dude, they must have bluffed so good.
Because as a group of people were a group of people speaking in. There was definitely one of you.

Speaker 2 Everyone has now entered the tent. The tent flap closes behind them.
And can't really make a tent flap closing seem sinister. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's not like an ominous door slam shut. You're right.

Speaker 2 You are now in this tent with, let's say, 20 bisons. Oh, that's it.

Speaker 2 Is that all? Let's say 30 bisons.

Speaker 2 You are moron. In my head, I thought it was like 300 bison.

Speaker 2 I was trying to be silly.

Speaker 3 I didn't know it had come.

Speaker 2 Maybe not everyone got invited to this part of the series. Okay.

Speaker 2 There's a sort of tension in the air, and

Speaker 2 Brian looks to you.

Speaker 2 To me, to you. The first line says, bring forth the barrel.
Oh, sorry. Sorry, my bad.
You look back at Brian.

Speaker 2 I look back at Brian and be like, you fucking first. And then Brian's like, ooh, and then

Speaker 2 he looks at this withered, fucked up monster who snaps to attention. Its mouth opens and it says, Bring forth the barrel.

Speaker 2 And I give it Brian like a fucking, you gonna give me shit look?

Speaker 2 and then two of these guys grab Sven Anderson by the arms and slam him down on the knees and pull his hood back and he's freaking out again. He's blind because Francis scooped out both his eyeballs.

Speaker 2 He's like

Speaker 2 And then I as Dr. Man and what's Dr.
Man sound like with voice-wise? He's like, Hello, I'm Hello, I'm

Speaker 2 Glorious Mother.

Speaker 2 We present this champion as a humble vessel for the spirit of Zuzel. To hear movie times, press breathe.
Colon God Slayer.

Speaker 2 World Saver.

Speaker 2 First of your loins.

Speaker 2 We beseech you now.

Speaker 2 Take this man into your body and birth the one who will save our unworthy world.

Speaker 2 Has he suffered a great wound?

Speaker 2 Yes, oh mother.

Speaker 2 Does he carry a heavy burden? Yes, oh mother.

Speaker 2 Has he won a mighty victory? Yes, oh mother. Which victory? Then bring him forth.
Okay. Let him drink of the seed.
Oh, how?

Speaker 2 They drag him forward. The speaker motions to that churning, bubbling liquid on the dais next to you.

Speaker 2 What color is it? What color is it? He said it was semen-y. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What color is he? I pick it up. Is it warm? Oh, it's warm.
Is it white?

Speaker 2 Is it creamy? It's warm and creamy. It's a sort of like a greenish white.
It looks like that milk that Luke's drinking.

Speaker 2 That happens sometimes.

Speaker 2 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 No, it doesn't.

Speaker 2 The right light under fluorescence. Under fluorescence.
Yeah, well, I'm asparagus. It does that.

Speaker 2 Everyone's come looks green in the cleverb, dude. In the cleverb, we all come.
They slam him down, and then, yes, the speaker gestures toward the churning liquid on the dais next to you.

Speaker 2 And I pick it up. And the second you pick it up,

Speaker 2 you hear a voice say, not so fast, pal.

Speaker 2 Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by Aura Frames. What if there was a gift?

Speaker 2 A gift that brings

Speaker 2 holiday traditions and

Speaker 2 aura frames?

Speaker 2 No, Beth. Aura.

Speaker 3 I love Aura Frames. I have one at home, and I had company over recently, and she was like, oh my god, I love that picture of us.
I'm like, yeah, it's there.

Speaker 2 And then it transitioned to another picture.

Speaker 3 And then it went to another picture.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. That's not us.
That's two pictures in there.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, yeah, there's thousands in there.

Speaker 2 Here's my aura problem: because I'll just fucking I'm clicking photos.

Speaker 2 I'm not looking where my thumb is going when I'm clicking, and then it'll be like, so it'll be like all these funny pictures of like, enough like a screenshot.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's like a screenshot of a stupid tweet or whatever. Like, it shows up on my aura frame.

Speaker 3 I'm like, oh, That exact thing happens to me. So when we went on tour, I had to learn how to put in the ear monitors the right way.

Speaker 3 And so I took a screenshot of like the how to do that and how it would come up on my aura frame on this.

Speaker 2 That's so crazy because you guys have the opposite problem, which is I only have screenshots of funny tweets on my aura frames. And then I occasionally I get a nice

Speaker 2 whole frame in your house dedicated to Drill's finest tweets. Yes.
Imagine, absolutely. Listen, Aura frames, we all have them.
And we all use them.

Speaker 2 And we share our pictures of both each other, our favorite tweets, our family, our pets. Here's what they got going with this frame.
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Speaker 2 You connect it to Wi-Fi. You preload the photos before it ships.
This is key if you're doing it as a gamer friend.

Speaker 2 I just realized this is going to be the only photo on my Aura frame from now on is I downloaded a loot guide for Arc Raiders to let me know what I can safely recycle. Huge, huge fucking game.

Speaker 2 You use it as an Aura, dude. You used it as a gamer reference for you guys.
That's like, dude, you can do a whole premium strategy. guide on your aura frame.
And it also comes with a gift box.

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Speaker 2 Support the show by mentioning us at checkout, just out loud, into the ether as you're checking out from the the computer. Terms and conditions apply.

Speaker 2 Dungeons and Dies is brought to you this week by Factor.

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Speaker 2 One of the guys steps forward, throws off his mask, revealing the face of Tor Anderson, Sven's brother, as he produces a machine gun from under his cloak and fires it off into the air.

Speaker 2 How close is he to us? Yeah, we should figure out where you guys are. We're right behind him.
We're right behind him. You were trying to stay as close as you could to the front, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, right behind Blake. Okay, you're right behind Blake.
You're not up by the curtain, but you're right up front.

Speaker 2 Sven fires a warning shot into the air while two of his buddies scramble and go to grab Sven. Sees them.
We are going to go ahead and start combat. God damn it.

Speaker 2 Their aggro is not on the two people behind Dr. Man.
Yeah, they're trying to make a clean getaway. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, if we were to step back and just be like, oh, like we're in the middle of the circle, like, they're just like, yeah, we're just.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think we should tell the other bisons to get a hold of these people.

Speaker 2 What do we know about the sperm juice? That the seed bearer drinks it. That's what makes them ready to be eaten by mama.

Speaker 2 So these are the things you know about the seed bearers: that they need to have a wound, carry a strange burden, and have won a great victory. That's what makes you a candidate to be a seed bearer.

Speaker 2 And I am technically a candidate as well. Even if we wanted to give somebody else up, like, we got to stop these people anyways.
Yes, yes. These guys are going to get a surprise round.

Speaker 2 This was their little planned ambush. Tor Anderson, for his surprise round, is going to pull out his Thompson submachine gun and open fire at the bisons.

Speaker 2 He held the gun sideways to allow the recoil to transfer across multiple horizontal targets.

Speaker 2 Whoever shot this was an expert shooter. I'm making a house ruling here because the rules don't really accommodate shooting at like this many people.
We're going to divide the group into three chucks.

Speaker 2 Orchestra section.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Mezzanine. So we'll say the first

Speaker 2 third, as he moves, the recoil of the gun is going to mean that he's going to incur penalty dice on his roll. If he hits, we're going to say that he does damage.

Speaker 2 And And then his damage roll is going to translate to a certain number of guys getting, you know, mowed down by this thing. This is when he's in control of the gun.

Speaker 2 He's starting at the back of the room. He wants to give his boys time to get his brother so he doesn't accidentally hit him.
And he wants to clear a path to the back.

Speaker 2 So of the 30 bisons in the room, of the first 10, he hits five of them. So five of them go down.
He's moving the gun across.

Speaker 2 Now his aim is starting to get a little jittery and he's going to have a disadvantaged roll. That's why it always is better to fire in short, accurate bursts.
And he fumbles the

Speaker 2 second of the two rolls. I think with a fumble, your gun jams, actually.
I don't know why that does as well. So the gun clicks shut.
Ah!

Speaker 2 He is going to have to, on his next turn, unjam the gun before he can fire again.

Speaker 2 And then his boys are going to go now. He has two boys with him.

Speaker 2 They're going to try to grab Tor and shoot their way out. This was essentially their ambush was to get into position and fire on these guys.
These guys are not carrying big boy guns.

Speaker 2 They're carrying pistols because they need to have one arm free. A little boy's gun.

Speaker 3 A little boy's gun.

Speaker 2 So the first guy blows one of the guys' heads clean off. Off.

Speaker 2 Just go blamo second guy is gonna do his shots and the other guy misses his shot okay so now he's scuffling with one of the bisons while his friend grabs tour and starts making for the exit guns blazing the mob of 30 is now down to 24.

Speaker 2 damn it is now brian strikes mitchell's turn okay and he is going to read from the necronomicon

Speaker 2 nothing at the epidermicon your epidermis is showing what yeah can he roll sanity check now that he knows his epidermis is showing yeah Damn. Can he check if his hand is bigger than his face?

Speaker 2 He is going to cast Fist of Yonksathoth. Caster causes a massive invisible force to hit the target.
He's going to put... Let me just do the calculation real quick.
5d10 into his strength on this.

Speaker 2 So that gives him 37. And so now he's going to roll that 37 against.
Good lord. Yo, Brian Stokes Minstrel is not one to be fucked with, I guess.
Yeah. Apparently not.

Speaker 2 He blasts Tor with this flying pulse of energy and it smacks him straight in the chest.

Speaker 2 However, he got a regular success on the strength of his spell and Tor got a super success on his ability to resist it.

Speaker 2 So that means he doesn't go unconscious, but he is knocked 20 feet back over towards the entrance of the tent.

Speaker 2 I'm going to give him a dexterity roll to see if he holds onto his gun, which he passes just barely. His dex is 70.
He got a 68.

Speaker 2 And so he lands at the ground and is staggering to fix his gun as this is all going on. That was the surprise rounds.
I shouldn't have let Brian go yet. That's fine.
We all held our turn.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're like, let's see what this guy is. Let's see this play out.
Okay, so Blake, it's your turn. I think I, as a doctor, I'm here to just do the ritual.

Speaker 2 So I'm just gonna cower and hide. Yeah, I guess if we think that Brian Stokes Mitchell is gonna take care of this and we don't want to reveal ourselves as not part of the bisons.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think that's fair. Agreed.
I'm gonna see how this little menagerie plays out.

Speaker 2 Francis, it is your turn. I would like to, if possible, in in this cacophony, sneak out from under the cloak I am in

Speaker 2 and see if I can pull one of the cloaks off of one of the guys that just got massacred. Okay.
And so that you can... So I can hide separately from Trudy.
Okay, interesting. Oh, man.

Speaker 2 Give me a stealth roll. That is a 15 out of 90.
Super duper success. You easily get over to the guy.

Speaker 2 If you do a strength roll and succeed, then we'll say you're able to pull it off of him as hard as you can and like strip the thing off of him in one move.

Speaker 2 Or you won't have to roll, but we'll say you have to do two more stealth rolls over the next two turns to be able to do the entire thing unseen. And those rolls will be a disadvantage.

Speaker 2 Alternately, could I just take his bison mask? Sure. Let's do that.
You don't want the rope? Not right now. All right, so you got the bison mask.
Cool. Bison mask is on.
Is that my whole turn?

Speaker 2 We'll say that's a free action to pick that up. So yes, you've picked up the mask.
You can do one more thing. I would like to run up to the guy that's trying to run away with Sven.

Speaker 2 And am I going to fast talk him? Am I going to kill him? I'm going to kill him. Okay, so now you're going to make an attack on the guy who just shot somebody, we'll say, right? Yeah.
That is a 25.

Speaker 2 My fighting roll is 71. That is a super success.
Okay. So he is going to fight back.
He fumbled, though. So you absolutely get a free hit on him with your katana.
So roll for damage.

Speaker 2 That's going to be nine damage.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you brutally slash him. And we'll say that because he fumbled in attempting to fight back, he has dropped his pistol.
Great. So now he's just melee against you.

Speaker 2 is sven tied up like can he run away his arms were bound i think part of the ritual would be untying him at some point but he's bound for now kelsey it is your turn i just saw francis run and stab the guy who was taking sven

Speaker 2 who was the guy with the machine gun that is tour his tor and is guns jammed guns jammed one guy got killed already also the one guy got killed already and then where's the third person is that mama that's just another goon okay so yes another one of his gangster buddies um and he's the guy who tried to shoot one of the other guys but missed and so so he's currently kind of brawling on that guy.

Speaker 2 I feel like Sven is the biggest target. Like, obviously, the other bicycle after Sven, and Sven's trying to unjam this thing.

Speaker 2 I'm just going to pull out one of my Derringers, but I'm just keeping my hands in my robe, and I'm just going to shoot at the two people that are fighting each other. Like a pocket pool.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, no, you'll hear a gunshot, but I don't think anybody's going to know where this comes from. Okay.
So I'm just going to. You know.
Okay. So that is going to be a disadvantaged aim.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And which one are you trying to shoot? You gangster. All right.
So you give me a disadvantaged firearms roll. I miss.
Your shot goes wide. Instant sails into the room.

Speaker 2 Give me an advantaged stealth roll to see if no one notices this.

Speaker 2 19. Okay.
Oh, but my stealth's 20, so which is barely. No one notices this whole pop out of your robe, and no one seems to have noticed you yet.

Speaker 2 And then I will drop to the floor like I'm avoiding gunfire.

Speaker 3 Who shot that?

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 2 The bisons.

Speaker 2 So I gave them a sanity roll to see how well they were going to do with all of this sudden burst of violence.

Speaker 2 they got a 93 which is a failure so what i am then going to do is because it was such a bad failure i am going to do a 1d4 to do the number of them that managed to keep their wits together and then those will be the ones who are up and attacking and i rolled a two whoa so

Speaker 2 you know what they say every you know every 100 man 10 are a soldier and one is a warrior

Speaker 2 so two warriors stand up and again they're going to get to do this roll every turn so the number of them continuing to go up is going to increase one of them is going to make a run at Sven and just try to pin him down.

Speaker 2 And the other one is going to attack the same guy that you were shooting at. We'll say it's the guy who's brawling with him in point of fact.
So first guy is going to make his fighting brawl roll.

Speaker 2 One of them is going to make a run at Tor and just try to pin him down. And the other guy is just going to attack the guy that you were shooting at.
And Tor fails.

Speaker 2 So Tor is now pinned down and he's reaching for this gun next to him. The other guy fighting Tor's goon is going to take out a knife and take a stab at him.
Ooh.

Speaker 2 He goes for a lunge and they both got great successes on this. He rolled a 13, but then Torz Goon rolled an 11 and they have the same score for fighting Brawl.

Speaker 2 So he just narrowly dodges this sort of vicious stab. So he's still up as well.
It is now Trudy's turn.

Speaker 3 Trudy, thinking about the long game, is going to stopingly try to place a stick of dynamite under where Brian will be.

Speaker 3 You said he was on a podium, right? Yes. Yeah, she's going to stick it under the podium.

Speaker 2 Okay, we're gonna treat this like an unlit stick of dynamite. So, like, if one of you guys shoots it later, it'll blow up and kill him.
Is that the idea? Yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 Did we detonate it before? You pressed a button on it and then threw it because it takes a couple seconds. Okay, okay, but yeah, okay, but if you shoot it, it'll blow up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, I'll give you that. Yeah, okay, cool, cool.
It's an explosive charge. Yeah, okay, cool, cool.
So, you are going to sneak past Brian and plant a stick of dynamite. Yes.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Give me an advantage stealth roll because shit's pretty crazy right now. She's pretty crizzly.
Push stealth next time and see if you can tie his shoelaces to a dynamite.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Woo!

Speaker 3 I got a five.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yep.
Okay.

Speaker 2 That's like a super success. What's your stealth?

Speaker 3 My stealth is 39.

Speaker 2 Okay, so yes. With that, you just effortlessly skulk past him and stick this dynamite under the dais, and he doesn't even know that it's there.

Speaker 3 And then she's watching. She's like, I'm so scared.

Speaker 2 Okay, I love that. It is now Sven's turn.
Okay. So Sven is going to run.

Speaker 2 He's blind. He's blind.

Speaker 2 He's going to make a break for it. It's like in Fargo.
He's got a really lousy dexterity roll. If he makes his roll, he will make it halfway out of the room.

Speaker 2 And if he makes one more, he will make it another halfway out of the room because he's got to basically manage this gauntlet. Does he know where the exit is? Yeah, I'm facing this way.

Speaker 2 I'm going to turn around and run directly behind me is what he's planning on. He makes a run for it and eats shit.

Speaker 2 So we'll say he gets a couple of steps and then just staggers and clocks onto the ground.

Speaker 2 Although we will see he then scurries like a rat and maneuvers his bound ropes around so his hands are now in front of him so he can pick something up if he can grope around and find something.

Speaker 2 I'm just like hiding the sperm. And I want to spend my turn now trying to discern what I can about the sperm.

Speaker 2 What? It's your typical sperm discern, Matt. I don't see your problem.
What the fuck is your problem, Matt? I can't look at the sperm flask

Speaker 2 and figure out what's going on with it. Turns are the most.
I'm going to kick the gun away from Tor. Nice.
Okay, you're going to kick the gun away from Tor.

Speaker 2 Because Tor, you said Tor was reaching Tor, right? Okay, that's great. You run over, Give me a dexterity roll to kick the gun.
Hoop. 26 off of 75.
That's

Speaker 2 scatter the fucking Tommy gun away from him.

Speaker 2 I even pick it up. I pick it up.
Are you going to pick it up? I just go casually pick it up. Nobody would question Dr.
Man shooting him. You're part of the team.

Speaker 2 I pick it up, but I'm not shooting him yet. You pick up the gun.
Sick. So he's pinned down.
So first thing he's got to do is. Tor on the floor.
Tor on the floor. Tor's got to make a strength check to

Speaker 2 hulk out and break out of his bonds here, which he does not make. So yes, this guy is pinning him down.
He's like,

Speaker 2 but he's not able to bust out. So he is still restrained.
Tour's boys are now going to go. Boy number one, the one that you slashed, Francis, is going to take a shot at you.
I'm going to dodge.

Speaker 2 Okay, give me a dodge roll. I got a 22.
Half decks, 30. So I have succeeded a normal success.
In the case of a tie, the side with the higher skill wins. So yours is at 30? Yes.

Speaker 2 Okay, his fighting brawl is 60.

Speaker 2 He draws this knife and goes to stab you with it. And it finds purchase.

Speaker 2 Now, Francis. Two things are going to happen.
One is the damage, and the other is the mean thing.

Speaker 2 So first he's going to roll his damage. 1d4 plus 2.
So 6 damage. Jeez.
All right. I have two HP left.
How much HP do you have? Eight? Eight. That is a major wound.
So give me a constitution roll.

Speaker 2 I succeeded. Okay, so you don't pass out.

Speaker 2 The knife just stabs into your chest.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Give me a luck roll. I only have one luck.
47. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 2 I've got a number in my head. It's not 6'7.
Make it diagnosed. That's exactly what he would say if it was 6'7.
7.

Speaker 2 6'9.

Speaker 2 76. 76.
It was 43.

Speaker 2 That was the boring number. So, since you have failed your luck roll, as you are stabbed, you stagger back and your mask falls off.
Whoa, no.

Speaker 2 As the mask rolls off, other people around start to look at you.

Speaker 3 And you hear that distinct crowd noise of,

Speaker 2 Francis, run. Kelsey, it's your turn.
Kelsey, she sees that everybody saw that, and there's chaos, right? People are running around. Yes, but yes, you see that his mask got knocked off on his head.

Speaker 2 I'm going to tackle Francis. Nice.
Or to get a Derringer. Yeah.
Shoot right next to his head. That's a great move.
Shoot right next to his head. Wow, that's smart.

Speaker 2 And then kind of sit over him because, like, my robe's covering him. And then I started looking around.
I was like, who's next? Who's next? We got to keep the ritual going. That rule is.
Brian.

Speaker 2 Oh, I say it with like a man's voice. I go, Brian.
First.

Speaker 2 That's right. I got one of them.
You get the others. Kelsey, you're

Speaker 2 First, give me the tackle. I would consent to it, too.
Yeah, but you don't know that it's fucking Kelsey. You just see a bison coming at you, tackling you.
I can't recognize Kelsey's signs.

Speaker 2 I mean, if you want to give me a roll four, let's give me a roll four. But the whole point is that you guys look like everybody else.

Speaker 2 This comes down to: have you been watching the way Kelsey walks this whole thing? And he has

Speaker 2 me a he's got it big

Speaker 2 so pissed.

Speaker 2 If I go to him and I pour out my Derringer, he knows I have a Derringer. Yeah, Derringer.

Speaker 2 He knows where we're all standing.

Speaker 2 And I can say, Kelsey, like right before I shoot.

Speaker 2 Just shout anything and I'll recognize your voice, even if you're pretending to be somebody else, I think. Francis, make a spot hidden roll to see if you see the Derringer.
I don't. Okay.

Speaker 2 So all that's going to mean is we're just going to treat it like a normal attack. You have an opportunity to do something very funny here.

Speaker 2 Kelsey, give me a fighting brawl roll. Yeah, my fighting.
I got 64 fighting brawls. We'll treat this as a maneuver to tackle him to the ground.
I roll a 22. Are you going to fight back or dodge?

Speaker 2 I guess dodge? You're not going to shishkabop Kelsey with a katana. Dodging is always the smart move, in my opinion.
So you're going to dodge. So give me your dodge roll.

Speaker 2 95. Okay, perfect.
Nice. So, Matt, you slam

Speaker 2 into Francis. You tackle him to the ground.

Speaker 2 The second I see the Derringer, I'm like,

Speaker 2 when it goes off, I and play dead. Blam! You fire this shot off next to his head.
And then I act like I'm I'm part of the bisons, and I start saying, So, what do you say?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I go, Go and check if there's any more. Take down that guy over there.
And I'm looking where, I guess, whatever the other one is, Thor. Okay, sick.

Speaker 2 And then I put my danger away, and then I just get back into like a feeble, scared position.

Speaker 2 Because nobody's still watching me. We're all just in robes.
Blen's acting like fucking Jason Robinson. Really bad idea, by the way.
If you're ever running a cult, just don't have all

Speaker 2 masks and robes. I get it.
It's funny, but it's really a recipe to have a group of ne'er-do-wells sneak in that will disrupt the procedure.

Speaker 2 You're essentially just asking for people to do Raiders of Lost Arc at any second. At any moment.

Speaker 2 It's the Bison's turn. They pass their sanity roll this time.
They quickly bum rush Sven and grab him. And then his two goons are subdued as well.

Speaker 2 The rest of the Bisons come to their wits, and in a quick blur of action, these interlopers are subdued, and order seems to be tentatively resolving itself in the room. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I got stabbed for this.

Speaker 2 I whisper to you, and I hand you a Derringer. I hand you two Derringers.
I kind of shake my cloak because, you know, I got guns. I got 13 Derringers.

Speaker 2 I'm like, I'm essentially telling you, he's like, take a couple. I did a couple of Derringers rattled out.
So

Speaker 2 the first thing that happens.

Speaker 2 Okay, so he's just lying dead on the ground. Yeah, I'm playing dead.
Yeah. How many Derringers do you take? I'm going to take one because I can easily conceal one.
I think so I have 12 left.

Speaker 2 I shot one and he took one. Sven is grabbed by a bunch of guys.
His two dudes are grabbed as well and summarily stabbed in the chest. You see,

Speaker 2 damn, dude. Yeah, these guys are not fucking around.
gets his dudes are murdered. Sven is like, Tor, Tor, where are you, buddy? Where are you, brother? And Sven says, I'm over here.

Speaker 2 Don't fucking let him see you cry. Don't let him see you.
And then he gets another fucking dagger in the chest. And Tor spurts up blood.
Sven just lets out this moan and starts sobbing.

Speaker 2 It's sad that he never got over his toxic masculinity.

Speaker 2 Still didn't think it was okay. Still didn't think it was okay.
Tor is sobbing.

Speaker 2 Now, while that is happening, two goons go up to Francis and go to pick him up as well and immediately see that he does not have a bullet in his brain.

Speaker 2 I am bleeding, though, out of through the chest with a knife. Yeah, where you got stabbed, but then they also saw you get shot in the head.
Can I respond to them approaching him?

Speaker 2 Because I am standing like on top of him. Like, I put my foot on his chest and shot at his head, and I still got my foot on his chest like a fucking prize, like I shot a trophy.

Speaker 2 I also will say, bullet holes are not always the most noticeable thing in the world, especially from a really small game. So, when they approach it, I go, I'll take care of this one.
I want its ears.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 I looked at him with a a bison mask i was like this one's ears are mine they just for you like are you gonna take care of him well i'll take his ears when we're done with this ceremony we're not leaving a corpse in the middle of this sacred ceremony brother we gotta move him out of the way i'm a seed bearer okay i'm a spare yeah they're milking me a lot of hell wait what he's a spare i'm a spare seed bearer i don't want to i don't want to tell fair enough fair enough

Speaker 2 and then i look at him angrily and i'm going to grab francis and i kind of like hang him over my shoulder like a backpack is like worry about your own business. Let's go.

Speaker 2 I'm not letting anybody else take his ears. I know you guys, you guys want his ears.
Give me a

Speaker 2 and I sling him over the shoulder and then I look away like so fucking I'm done with them. Like I look back towards the ceremony and I'm like, I'm just ready.

Speaker 3 Like the equivalent of somebody being like, ma'am, ma'am, you have to pay for that, man.

Speaker 2 Okay, so you hoist Francis over your shoulder. He's now drooped over.
And then I look to Blake. It's like, Blake, you know, you're Dr.
Mann.

Speaker 2 You could fucking help out here and tell him, like, fucking hurry on. Why are you guys wasting time doing this? I'm like, let's get going.

Speaker 2 Everyone sort of falls back in line.

Speaker 2 Brian Mitchell sort of turns and drops to one knee in front of the speaker and says, Forgive us, oh mother, for this interruption, but everything is okay. Everything is, we can proceed as planned.

Speaker 2 We can proceed. We have the seed.
We have the bearer. Let us commence with the ritual.
And he snaps at you, Blake. Ah, yes.
And I'm going to uncork the sperm thing.

Speaker 2 Okay. And start.
Pouring it down the dude's throat. As you cross to go to Sven,

Speaker 2 you hear the speaker suddenly say, Wait,

Speaker 2 silence.

Speaker 2 And then another tentacle slithers out from underneath this curtain and starts feeling its way through the crowd. And the speaker says, this one,

Speaker 2 this

Speaker 2 Sven,

Speaker 2 he weeps.

Speaker 2 He flees from mother's blessing. He is

Speaker 2 an insult. Sufficient offering

Speaker 2 and murmuring from everybody. Brian's like, but he passed the trial.
He passed everything. Silence.
This one is unacceptable. And this tentacle just goes up to Sven and just snaps his neck.
Oh shit.

Speaker 2 Full-blown panic from the bisons. And Brian is like, but but but mother, our world is doomed.
Mother cares not for your world.

Speaker 2 Mother cares for what is best for mother's son, for Suzel. Francis is gonna grab Kelsey's shoulder and like squeeze to like, hey, look at me.
I can't look at you, but what up

Speaker 2 I'm like very carefully trying to step back slowly without any

Speaker 2 comer through the hedge. Yeah, we could keep starting backwards.
What Francis? I'm the only other seed pariet in this room that's why I'm walking away.

Speaker 2 Mother requires a substitute if I don't go in one

Speaker 2 yet

Speaker 2 from face-off.

Speaker 2 Suddenly, there's a blast of energy and the curting at the back of the room falls, revealing Mother in all of her glory. Oh shit.
I'm gonna close my eyes preemptively. Oh, you're facing the other way.

Speaker 2 Awesome. What's going on? What's going on? You behold a whale-sized heap of pillowy, pulsating flesh.
A sticky, sweet odor blooms from the syrupy pus drooling out of its gaping, slit-like mouth.

Speaker 2 Wispy hair-like tendrils poke out from its skin in the thousands, dancing like reeds in the wind.

Speaker 2 Atop its flapping maw, a hooded cluster of dewy eyes gazes down at all of you with the soft benevolence of a mothless love.

Speaker 2 And as Mother is revealed, this tendril, after having snapped Sven's neck, Kelsey, you feel it curl around your leg and run up your leg towards Francis.

Speaker 2 And you hear the speaker say, Mother requires a substitute. Someone who is brave.
Someone who cowers not back from fear.

Speaker 2 Someone with a special gift she can sense in the air. One whose heart still beats and whose blood drips on the floor.
And then the tentacle peels one of your eyelids open.

Speaker 2 Francis says, Mother demands the boy.

Speaker 2 You can have him after I get my ears.

Speaker 2 Mother, mother, fear me.

Speaker 2 I am the broken sky.

Speaker 2 All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

Speaker 2 in a world that lies twisted in my mind, and now I'm gone.

Speaker 2 All that I can see is a hole in the star

Speaker 2 Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Speaker 2 Too far, too far away.

Speaker 2 But I'll stay

Speaker 2 today.

Speaker 2 Thanks for listening. Thank you for continuing to listen.

Speaker 2 You're one of the elite few who are either too far away from your podcast player to skip this part or like listening to our credits either way glad to have you while i have you consider perusing the nearly 1 000 hours of bonus audio and video content available on our patreon bonus shows ad-free episodes videos some bonus videos we got in the hopper in fact beth teaching everyone how to juggle us going to a build-a-bear and doing a build-a-bear we're finishing this one up right now beth playing the infamous and hard to find horror game pt I kept it on my PS4.

Speaker 2 We get up to a lot of malarkey, and that malarkey can be fully experienced at patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

Speaker 2 Also nailhouse.film, trade your lucre for print media, an exclusive backer merch for Matt and my next martial arts action comedy feature film.

Speaker 2 Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar, Anthony Birch as Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos as RDM, Beth Mae as Trudy Trout, and myself, Freddie Wong as Blake Lively.

Speaker 2 Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Maxis and Waller, Anissa Omran as our content producer, Ashley Nicolette is our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager, Esther Els is our lead editor, Travis Reeves, Omar Romolino, and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing.

Speaker 2 Our show is supported by our Patreon, so shout out to these folks, Diggity Daxter, Bethan Godfrey, Internet Surfer, Robert, Evan Laritsen, Cody Ezell, Kenneth Wampler, Jordan Scolier, Leslie Lee, Reader Girl0401, Dawson, Kelsey, Simon Bierenbaum, John Cade, Kate, Riley Walter, Zach Roth, Jessica Playford, Kyle Overholt, and Michael Jenkins.

Speaker 2 Get more content and support this show directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsandads. Merchant more at dungeonsandads.com.

Speaker 2 Our next episode, the last one for season three, coming at you December 2nd. We'll see you then.

Speaker 2 All that I can see is a hole in the stars

Speaker 2 swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Speaker 2 Too far, too far away,

Speaker 2 but I'll stay

Speaker 2 today.

Speaker 2 I'll say Penis.