[BONUS] Con Oz - A Daggerheart One Shot

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Speaker 1 Hey folks, Freddie here.

Speaker 1 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.
Hello, potentially new audience from Critical Role.

Speaker 1 They call you critters. I call you potential new fans and friends.
We do things a little little differently around here.

Speaker 1 So if you see us from across the room and dig our vibe, I invite you to check out our show starting at the beginning, season one, episode one, Dungeons and Dags.

Speaker 1 Don't start from the middle, but you're smarter than that. No one starts from the middle in these things.
Anyway, here's Dagger Heart.

Speaker 1 My name is Will, and tonight I'll be playing Tim Tipple. My name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Candy Dufrane.
My name is Freddie Wong, and I play Hacker X.

Speaker 1 Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Diana Ingram Eels. I'm Anthony Birch and I'm the dungeon, the dagger heart.
I'm the dagger master. I'm the heartmaster? I'm the dagger heart master.

Speaker 1 Ow!

Speaker 1 You stabbed me.

Speaker 1 You stabbed me in my heart with the dagger. Ow!

Speaker 1 I guess we have no choice but to play a one-shot

Speaker 1 in the dagger heart system

Speaker 1 created by critical role as I pull this blade from my still beating heart. Sounds like there's a critical hole in your chest.
Oh my gosh. Welcome to our Dagger Heart One Shot Con Oz.

Speaker 1 We are going to, for the first time, for us at least, play the Dagger Heart system.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to, both for our benefit and for the listener's benefit, kind of explain the system of Dagger Heart as we go through. This is not canonical explanation, by the way.
This is

Speaker 1 our version of Dagger Heart.

Speaker 1 I did

Speaker 1 read the whole book. I should just play the five-minute video that they did.

Speaker 1 We all sat down and watched Matt Mercer explain the system to us on our TV. But no, I actually have read the whole book, so I know how it's supposed to be done, and I've probably forgotten.

Speaker 1 I'm Anthony, I can read. Wow, wow, I'm just letting you know that there's going to be even less excuse for when I do something wrong.

Speaker 1 So all those dagger heads out there will be able to catch me on it. Ready to begin? Let's do it.
Yes. Up and Adam, up and atom.

Speaker 1 The familiar stomp of leather boots on steel flooring shock you into awakeness, even before the boss opens his tobacco-crammed mouth.

Speaker 1 You can't actually perform the up part of up and atom because you, like the three other prisoners sitting next to you, are chained to your seat.

Speaker 1 Wrist cuffs attached to ankle cuffs attached to the floor. Attached to all of our Prince William's piercings.

Speaker 1 Threaded through the tip of my Prince William. Thank all you've been chain gang.
Is it Prince William or is it Prince something else? Prince Albert.

Speaker 1 Prince William is through the bald sack.

Speaker 1 So you're both.

Speaker 1 Prince William, you pierced your bald head.

Speaker 1 Prince Harry is when your dick gets a Netflix drug.

Speaker 1 Is he the bad one? Which prince is the

Speaker 1 defile? Andrew, we're fine. Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Roll call, the boss says, spitting in such a way that somehow a wet brown gob splatters on all eight of your shoes simultaneously.

Speaker 1 Oh, Candy Dufrane. Yeah.
Louder, goddammit. He yells, thwacking you in the stomach with his baton.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 The dairy. What do you want? You said my name.
Yeah, are you? I want to know if you're here. I'm here.
Louder, goddammit. And he smacks you there.
Okay. I'm here.
I'm here, sir.

Speaker 1 The dairy dairy demon himself. Well, boy, I'm intolerant of only two things, lactose and scumbags.
No, I'm both of those things.

Speaker 1 You're lactose.

Speaker 1 You make a tough ice cream, you might as well be.

Speaker 1 Tim Tipple? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ah, now that's the right volume, and he thwacks you in the stomach with his attire.

Speaker 1 I deserve that. I'm sorry.
Hey, Tipple, do you ever think about how many of those kids you killed might have had Fortnite accounts? What do you think happened to their skins?

Speaker 1 Do you think the parents can show a death certificate to Epic Games to get ownership of the account so they can have the skin still?

Speaker 1 I know for a fact that four of the kids played Fortnite quite a bit because I tried to learn everything about the victims of my crime.

Speaker 1 And I learned that little Jimmy, he was at level 42, and he really liked playing as the John Wick guy. And I learned that his best friend was a good one.
Which John Wick? There's two bottles.

Speaker 1 The first one, the Baba Yaga one, that looked really cool. And his sixth campaign was a good one.

Speaker 1 But then I was looking at a text message and I crashed into their cool bus and they all died. And I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm very sorry. And I deserve to be here.
So whatever you want to do, that's not for you. That's a crime.
That's more an accident. That's a crime.
Technical driving is a crime.

Speaker 1 It's called prison. I don't know how to be any clearer about that.

Speaker 1 Hackstore X? That's Hacker X to you.

Speaker 1 I don't even know why you're being sent to Max Security Prison. I'm looking at your list of things.
This is nothing. But Governor Ulrich said you got to go to Max Sec prison.

Speaker 1 I don't know what the deal is. Can't believe they made Skeet Ulrich governor, dude.

Speaker 1 The man's always. We've all affected light southern accents.
I'll go the other way. Just like a dumb connector.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The man's always been after Hacker X.

Speaker 1 Wait, so it's Hacker X to you is what you said. It's Hacker X to me, and then you refer to yourself as Hacker X.
So it's just Hacker X. It is Hacker X.
Okay, cool. And finally...
Spelled H4X02X.

Speaker 1 There's no R in there. The two is the R.
The two is the R, you dumb fuck. The two is an R.
You two miscommunicate with this fucking thing. And finally, Diana Ingram Eels, the serial killer.

Speaker 1 Who's asking? I'll kill you.

Speaker 1 I would comment on your crimes more in detail, but I try not to talk to women without my wife present. Now,

Speaker 1 all inmates are present and accounted for. We are on schedule to land at Erewhon Maximum Security Prison within the next hour, where you will spend the rest of your natural lives.

Speaker 1 Hey, Hacksor, pick a number between one and five. Don't do it.
Zero.

Speaker 1 Zero. No.
I wasn't going to hit you that many times. You've seen through my voice.

Speaker 1 Sack Rex is always one sip of it. You're a sneaky one.
Erewhon can't hold you. I can already tell.
Sir, I would like to be hit five times.

Speaker 1 I deserve to be hit more, but if the maximum number is five, then please hit me five times, sir. Well, now that I know you want it, I don't want to do it.

Speaker 1 Sir, I would like you to hit him five times, please. Well, I have to listen to women, so here we go.
And he's going to go ahead and roll to hit you five times. What is your evasion?

Speaker 1 And I guess we're going to disadvantage it because you're chained up. It's probably disadvantaged because both you're chained up and your dick is going through a little loop.

Speaker 1 No, that's a different one. You said the wrong one.
We don't know what the fierce thing is that you said.

Speaker 1 We don't know where our Prince Williams are. We don't know where our Prince Williams are.

Speaker 1 It's just a bunch of.

Speaker 1 It wasn't that the name was wrong. It's just we were wrong about what body part we've all been threaded through.
I don't see Evasion. It's a top left.
Top left. What do you mean top left?

Speaker 1 On your character sheet? Will, this sheet could not be easier. It's like they took everything wrong about Dungeons and Dragons and just made it better on the character sheet.

Speaker 1 It's the first place you would look. When I think, where's evasion? What do I do? I look at the top left of the paper and that's right where it is.
Thank you. Matt, don't yell at me.

Speaker 1 Did I mention that critical role paid for us to do this one shot?

Speaker 1 My evasion is 10. So he's going to go and hit you once? What have you guys just killed me right now?

Speaker 1 Okay, so he does 14 damage to you.

Speaker 1 What? No, but the way it works is different. Wait, wait, wait.
You're not going to take 14 hit points of damage. What do you think this is? Dungeons the Dragons 5e? Oh, thank God it's not.

Speaker 1 What you're going to do is you actually have thresholds for the amount of damage you take. How much HP do you have in general, Will?

Speaker 1 Tim Tipple has a maximum of five hp you have five hp what are your thresholds for damage so depending on how much damage you take you will either mark one two or three damage on your hp track but this can't be my minor damage threshold is one okay and my major damage threshold is two that can't be right no that's mine too we don't have any armor or anything really because we're all naked we're all prisoners they don't give us armor wow the boss hits you in the stomach with the flat of his baton the wind is knocked out of you immediately and it hurts really really really bad so much so that if he does it again he'll probably kill you

Speaker 1 and he notices this and he goes oh you know what never mind

Speaker 1 i threw up on your shoes i'm so sorry i'm sorry i threw up on you i would ask you to lick it off but i think that would probably be i lick it off i try to pull out

Speaker 1 please don't please don't and he steps back i pull him by his prince hengry or whatever it is

Speaker 1 prince william is my lawyer gonna be able to know you know i'm on appeal because i didn't i didn't do no crime so i'm just wondering where are we going are we are we gonna are we gonna be

Speaker 1 what why are you all at i you all know the The question is, will your lawyer know where you are? Yeah, that seems important. Yes, your lawyer will know where you are.

Speaker 1 There is a record of you being transferred to Erewhon Maximum Security. So when they find out I didn't do it, they'll know where to come get me.
You were convicted, so.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that doesn't mean much. Lucky for you, they threw me in this.
Hey, I agree.

Speaker 1 I agree. It doesn't mean much.

Speaker 1 You hear a voice shouting from the cockpit. NAS!

Speaker 1 Strap in. We got a sandstorm out of nowhere.

Speaker 1 The plane jolts upward, then downward again. You are all weightless for almost a full second.

Speaker 1 You hear a horrible screaming out on the wing, a scraping noise, as sand particles scrape against the side of the plane.

Speaker 1 You glance through the inch-thick glass window just in time to see a tsunami of sand crash into the engine, clogging it and stopping the turbine dead. A similar noise erupts from the other wing.

Speaker 1 That's two of them. And then, you're falling.
Weightless. Oh, no.
What the fuck's going on? Boss Dash screams.

Speaker 1 Through the open cockpit door, you see the pilot turn around to answer just in time for the torrent of sand to shatter the windshield, the flood of grit eating away at the pilot's flesh before your very eyes.

Speaker 1 Oh no! Within moments, the sand is almost entirely sheared away the skin of his face, and now the storm rages within the cabin as well. Sand stings your eyes and cheeks.

Speaker 1 I knew that was going to happen because the doors to the cockpits are all so flimsy. Yeah, that's usually why planes crash.
Look at those flimsy cockpit doors.

Speaker 1 It's made of the opposite of the black box of those doors. You see boss Nas heading for a locker attached to the cabin wall.
His name is Boss Nas. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's the boss and the guy called him Nas. He rips open the the locker revealing five backpacks.
He grabs one and puts it on. Oh, are those?

Speaker 1 Sir, sir, are those parachutes? Oh, they are. Thank you for reminding me.
And he takes out a pocket knife and he stabs the other four parachutes.

Speaker 1 Then he kicks open an emergency door on the other side of the plane and leaps out. The wind howls louder as now there are two points of ingress for all this fucking sand.

Speaker 1 The sand excoriates not just your skin, but your lips, your eyelids, your eyes themselves.

Speaker 1 You feel yourself going blind. You're falling, falling, falling.
And then

Speaker 1 black.

Speaker 1 Groggily, you awake. Your chains have shattered in the fall.
Hopefully in such a way that your Prince Williams are still in damage. Oh, they're still good.
Ooh, mine's got a little more hair on it.

Speaker 1 The cabin of your plane seems to have detached itself from the rest of the vessel, oceanic style. Flaming wreckage surrounds you.
The emergency door that boss NAS kicked open has landed on something.

Speaker 1 Two legs with striped socks poke out from beneath the door, blood dripping down their barrels. Oh god, is it another kid? Did we land on another kid?

Speaker 1 I better not be getting framed for this or whatever.

Speaker 1 Two polished silver shoes adorn the victim's feet. I'll take those.

Speaker 1 I put them on.

Speaker 1 They don't fit you. Actually, yeah, why don't you roll to see if they fit you or not? Are they big shoes or small shoes? They are small shoes belonging to a girl that I want to say is 14.
Oh, God.

Speaker 1 No, not again. So instead of having like 20 different categories of shit you could be good at, you just use your stats and argue for how they might be useful in certain situations.

Speaker 1 And you have personal experiences that you can sort of apply to different stuff that you write in yourself uh which i think is i think instinct because i think it's like okay so they don't fit you

Speaker 1 finesse was right there you could have tried to finesse them on there no because this thing is like i knew they were the right size i just by looking at them i knew they would fit me being a girl's role for a second i do feel like there is like an instinct you get about shoes and whether or not that yeah yeah if it fits i say i want to roll okay go ahead and roll and just make me feel like roll your fucking instinct roll roll your fucking instinct remember that you're rolling 2d12 what is your hope die and one is your fear die.

Speaker 1 And when you roll, you have to tell me which one is higher. You have a Super React thumbnail face going on.

Speaker 1 So that is a 9 plus 12. That is a 21.
Wow. And my higher number is the hope die.
Oh, okay. So you've succeeded with hope, as we would say in the Dagger Heart biz.
I hope they fit. And they fit.

Speaker 1 They fit really, really well, actually. Comfortably.
Succeeding with hope means. Succeeding with hope means that something good happens in addition to the thing that you wanted.

Speaker 1 It goes better than you could have expected. You look rolling.
sluggish here, too.

Speaker 1 Everything a gun.

Speaker 1 Not that, not that good.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Candy. It's better in the sense that they actually truly fit on your feet.
Pearl jiggle while you walk. They already got Dr.
Scholes in there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No.
Pre-Scholes? Pre-Scholes. No plug-ins on this trip.
Candy, look, I said they wouldn't fit because honestly, I think I was a little jealous.

Speaker 1 You want crap? I'm sorry. No.
You have one. I have one.
No, they look amazing on your bag. Okay, thank you.

Speaker 1 Amazing. Jim Tipple is frantically with

Speaker 1 Amazing. Wow.
You murdered the last man you were with, correct? The last man? No.

Speaker 1 Oh, all right.

Speaker 1 Jim Tipple frantically runs to the smashed wreckage that these legs are sticking out from under and goes, it's okay. It's going to be okay.
It's going to be okay. I promise.
This one's not on you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. This one's not on you.
Are you sure? It's not your fault. This one's not

Speaker 1 your fault. And you need to know when to take credit for something, you know? When to be like, hey, yeah, I did that.
I killed that that motherfucker.

Speaker 1 I take credit for the horrible deed that I did every day of my life. Yeah, but this one's.

Speaker 1 There's three seconds that I wake up where I don't remember who I am, and then I close my eyes and remember, no, you're Tim Tipple. You killed those children on October 15th.
2023. No, no.

Speaker 1 And you were looking at your text messages to read comments on Reddit and then you smashed into somebody. We all drive while texting.

Speaker 1 The only you got because you got caught. You've done the same thing everybody's done.
You just had an accident.

Speaker 1 The only difference is your accident had a big consequence, Tim, but it's not your fault. It's important to know

Speaker 1 it's not your fault. I just want to back you up a little bit there.
Texting wild. What do you mean by texting?

Speaker 1 I was. Okay, this is going to take a little.

Speaker 1 Do you know what a podcast is? What the fuck are you talking about? That idea. It's like a radio show.
So my job was that I was on a podcast. And our podcast, do you know what a Patreon is?

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you talking about? Well, a Patreon is like what people pay you money for because they like your podcast. Well, I can only fans, but for only fans.
And sometimes they leave.

Speaker 1 Sometimes they leave when you make your radio show.

Speaker 1 On Hacksor X's neck, you see tattooed bars can't hold me, September 10th, 2001 to, and then today's date.

Speaker 1 So you know exactly how long he has been in prison. Matt, that explains my flimsy pilot door joke.

Speaker 1 You see, because before a very important day in American history, those doors weren't as strong as they are now. I hearken back to a simpler time when those doors were slightly weaker.

Speaker 1 You appear to have landed on the outskirts separating a desert from a forest. In the moment that you look around, you hear something rustle within the trees.
A 21-foot-tall man in a pink suit appears.

Speaker 1 Oh!

Speaker 1 Yoop! He yells, running at you.

Speaker 1 He's running. He's running straight at you and he's salivating.
You, you, you, I'm you, Mr. Yoop.
And he runs at you. What are you going to do? I love this guy.

Speaker 1 You need to kill this man. Let's see.
I get out my weapons. What's around here? Yeah, I do have weapons.

Speaker 1 You've got pieces of like shredded metal around you that you can use as, let's say, impromptu weapons. Yeah, I've got a big thing of shredded metal.
It's going to be my battle axe. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm going to try to cut off this guy's legs. Go ahead and give me an attack roll, which, again, is just going to be a roll with hope and fear.
And I'm going to compare it to their difficulty.

Speaker 1 I don't add a modifier to this. You using a battle axe.
What is the operating stat for that? Is it strength? Yes. Okay, then I think you get a plus one, actually.
Okay, then I got 13 total with hope.

Speaker 1 Okay, 13 with hope. You get exactly what you want, and the fucking jagged metal shears through the air and cuts Mr.
Hoop off at the knees. Mr.
Hupe, which means that he is only now...

Speaker 1 Now he's 19 feet. Yeah, he's still pretty tall, but he's coming at you on stumps.
Horrific. Is there initiative? Like, are we in confidence? No, there is no initiative.

Speaker 1 There is no differentiation between that.

Speaker 1 There's no initiative. But not only that.
What's the catch? There is no. Well, the catch is you have to buy the system.

Speaker 1 There's not only no initiative, there is no differentiation whatsoever between combat and out of combat.

Speaker 1 People think game design is about adding more, but real game designers like Anthony there working on Borderlands too. He knows that sometimes the best game design is removing unnecessary.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if there's ever a minimalist game that's existed, it's definitely a Borderlands game. Taking out that initiative.

Speaker 1 This is an important question for me, which is like we have our personable belongings, personal belongings on my side like that. Our personal belongings in prison, right?

Speaker 1 Since they they transferred us, we probably had like our bags or whatever of our stuff. In the luggage hold, yeah.
Yeah, it's got my gun in there.

Speaker 1 Can I run away to get because that's where my weapons are. I want to get my weapons.
Go ahead and give me an instinct rule to see if you can find where the

Speaker 1 luggage might have fallen. That's an 18 but with fear.
Okay, so an 18 with fear is, hey, congratulations. You find the big luggage compartment that's got all of your pre-jail equipment.

Speaker 1 My two ice cream scoops. My original 1935 Z-Roll scoop and my new 1080, wait no, no, 1020 aluminum Z-Roll ice cream scoop.
And on them, they say hope and fear. Those are the names of my two scoops.

Speaker 1 Okay, you find those. You don't find your gun

Speaker 1 because it's been burned in other recognition. That's the name of my gun.
Well, love is dead. Love is burned into fucking pigs.
Love is patient. Love is kind.
So it's no use.

Speaker 1 But yeah, you find hope and fear. And I'm just using stats as daggers for these two scoops.
Great. Wait, guys, hear me out.
Your first day in prison, what'd you do? Did you beat somebody up?

Speaker 1 Did you kill somebody with like a barbell out in the

Speaker 1 kill me?

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, what if this guy,

Speaker 1 what if this guy who's running toward us, what if he's just like a selly trying to win respect? He's not actually out to harm us.

Speaker 1 He just wants us to know who he is. I want to eat you, says Mr.
Hugh.

Speaker 1 In my mouth, in my mouth.

Speaker 1 I have this listed here as a shortbow, but what I'm going to do. It's a zip drive that shoots out his zips.
Well, no, it's like a big pen that shoots nails. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's like a rubber band.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, it's like a prison weapon.

Speaker 1 It's like a prison weapon, dude. I can improvise all manner of weapons.
Yeah, you should. So I'm going to shoot my spring-loaded shortbow.
Dude, you've been gathering the prison guards.

Speaker 1 I'm like, God, all these big pens, we keep losing the springs on the big pens.

Speaker 1 You've been gathering, you have like a hundred springs. And rubber bands.
And it's so. Behind a poster of Rita Hayworth.

Speaker 1 It looks like she has a big old boner.

Speaker 1 Why do you put all of them in the same spot?

Speaker 1 All right, go ahead and roll your attack. I have two dice for that.
One is blue and one is red. The red represents fear because it's the fiery passion of fear.
The blue represents

Speaker 1 the feeling of hope. The blue represents the cool feeling of hope.
14, but I roll with fear. 14 with fear, dog.
Okay. A fearful 14.

Speaker 1 Let me just run through all the things that everyone else will be saying. A scared 14.
This 14 is coming with a bit of fear on top. This 14 is a scale of.

Speaker 1 Okay. I said it's just

Speaker 1 one. No, you said all of them.
You said all of them anybody will ever say.

Speaker 1 It's like 14. I don't know what I'm going to do when I roll fear.
You got rid of all the good things to say. All the funny goose when you say fear.

Speaker 1 So you manage to crossbow him successfully in both of his kneecaps, making him fall again another two or three feet.

Speaker 1 But the unfortunate part is because he's still so tall, as he falls forward, he grabs onto you and begins to squeeze.

Speaker 1 And in that moment, you hear, oh, that won't do.

Speaker 1 And then suddenly... Let me roll my damage first, dude.
Fine, whatever.

Speaker 1 Two plus three, five. All right.
He takes one hit point of damage. Are you happy? Did that feel good? Hey, guys, we're cutting the way out.

Speaker 1 In that moment, you hear Mr. You go, oop, and then his head explodes.

Speaker 1 Behind him, with a wand in an outstretched hand, is Ariana Grande. Ariana Grande.

Speaker 1 It is specifically the Ariana Grande, Glinda. I think it actually literally specifically specifically can't be that one because we're doing the public domain version of Whiskey Grande.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but

Speaker 1 Ariana Grande cosplaying is that version. Oh, we're not in that.
This is what we're not in that. I'm actually putting Ariana Grande in this.

Speaker 1 There's nothing, like you don't get arrested.

Speaker 1 If I'm on Twitter and I say, hey, Ariana Grande is at my house. She can't arrest me for using her likeness.

Speaker 1 Like you can say whatever you want.

Speaker 1 Ariana Grande is standing there and going, oh, oh dear. Oh no.
She's looking down at the crushed girl who's now shoeless and she goes,

Speaker 1 did you kill her? She says, pointing at you, Sandy. Oh, because you're holding her.
Oh, no, I just, she wasn't using these anymore. So I just took them.
Oh, oh, gosh.

Speaker 1 Well, by taking the shoes, you have now taken upon her responsibilities as well. Like the Santa Claus.
It's very much like the Santa Claus.

Speaker 1 It's very much like that, yes. That's the only movie they had in prison, which was odd because we never celebrated Christmas, but we watch the Santa Claus all the time.

Speaker 1 I know a lot of kids who aren't going to be able to celebrate Christmas.

Speaker 1 Who are you? And what manner of dress are you in? And what is the nature of this big destroyed metal beast? And what brings you to the land of Oz? My name's Sandy Dufran, spelled Candy.

Speaker 1 I'm the pint-size ice cream man. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you as well, she says, waving from a distance. You can come close to me.
Hello, my name is Tim Tipple.

Speaker 1 Three years ago on October 15th, I was driving my car and I got distracted looking at a Reddit post and I crossed an intersection and I crashed into a school bus and killed 15 children.

Speaker 1 And I carry that guilt with me every day. So if you don't want to end up like me, make sure you never text and drive.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Hey, Toots. My name's Diana Ingram Eels.

Speaker 1 A few years ago, I don't know how long, my husband and I were sitting down for breakfast and he gave me this look. And I didn't like the look of that look.

Speaker 1 And so I put some antifreeze in his cereal and they call me the cereal killer.

Speaker 1 That's fun. I'm Hacker X.
I mean, I was about to say I didn't need to hear it all. I didn't mean to hear all of your backstory.
I just was sort of generally curious where you came from.

Speaker 1 I wanted to look like,

Speaker 1 and I didn't like the look of that.

Speaker 1 I try to tell everybody about the horrible thing I've done the second I meet them so they don't get their hopes up for a second that I might be a good person and that they know that I'm bad and I shouldn't be alive.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay, so you're at the edge of the desert. Oh, did we hear about it, Hacker X?

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, that one. He's missed so much since that he's never told us anything about himself, and now he's about to spill it all to you.
So this is a big deal for us. All right, here we go.

Speaker 1 I've been waiting for this.

Speaker 1 Many years ago, I was imprisoned for a crime I did commit, but a crime that shouldn't be a crime. Because information deserves

Speaker 1 no in the eyes of the man, I did something even worse. I downloaded what was known as an MP3 file

Speaker 1 from Metallica's live album. They decided to make an example out of me, and I've been rotting in federal prison ever since.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So, uh.

Speaker 1 I was coming out here to meet poor, poor Dot, and I was going to discuss how to deal with the situation in Emerald City, but now you're here and you've taken her shoes.

Speaker 1 So by the law of shoes, you have to do that thing now as well.

Speaker 1 But I mean, presumably, you'll want to get out of this situation because there are many dangerous things in this forest, and that desert is all but impassable.

Speaker 1 I'm amazed that you even managed to crash land here. So, are we in Idaho? Where are we at? Oh, you're in the land of oz.

Speaker 1 Australia.

Speaker 1 We're in Australia. You got no accent.
My lawyer can't reach me in Australia. Okay, so are you like chill with being here? Are you like?

Speaker 1 No, I've heard that there are a lot of things in the Australian outback that can kill you. So maybe I'll find one because I can't take my own life.
It would be too easy.

Speaker 1 I feel like this guy should be like maybe in a secure facility for his own safety. It would be the easy way out, and it wouldn't mean anything to the victims.

Speaker 1 But, you know, if I died and something else killed me, I was like, I'm going to go ahead and make a unilateral decision and say that you guys shouldn't be here.

Speaker 1 Australia has a conversation. Where would you have us go? I would have you go back away from whence you came.
You remind me of my wife. She left me after the accident.

Speaker 1 Whatever world you're from, I think you should probably go back to the audience. Does this word mean anything to you? What do you think? Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 1 What word? America. It doesn't ring a bell.
Oh, my God. We're in in hell.

Speaker 1 Man, the way he talks, I can't really tell if he's actually liberal or if he's just conservative or if he's just pretending to be one or the other. I'm America.
Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 Very confusing still.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, if you guys do want to get out of here, I know a way to do that. If you want to just fuck around and find out, that's also fine.
And wait,

Speaker 1 what do you think we got to go back to? Yeah. You know, what to look forward to? Sure, your families, your loved ones.
Wait, you're telling me this is. Different foods that you enjoy?

Speaker 1 Ladies. Books.
Lady. Sparrows.
Lady. Pictures of sparrows.
Lady. What? What are this land's feelings with regards to copyright law?

Speaker 1 We are completely copyright-free here in the land of Oz. After L.
Frank Baum died, anyone can do anything they want with any of these characters, so we're pretty chill on that. Oh, that's brilliant.

Speaker 1 And then what about first-degree murder? Uh, not great, not ideal. But, you know, I guess everybody could be forgiven for something if they're sufficiently sorry.

Speaker 1 If they accept Christ into their hearts. who would forgive me is there someone that could forgive me oh his name is jesus christ i have good news for you

Speaker 1 what was the news oh okay okay this lady talks a pretty big talk uh big on her high horse after exploding that guy's head william williams i saved your lives Mr. Yoop was going to eat you.

Speaker 1 He's a cannibal, you see. Yeah, and I'm telling you, I didn't like the way my husband was looking at me.

Speaker 1 And I need you all alive if you're going to take down the current king of Emerald City and gain access to the the wizard's great flying machine, so you can leave here and never come back.

Speaker 1 Do you guys hear what she's saying? Williams crew gather together.

Speaker 1 Williams crew, clink, clink, clink. As you all get together.

Speaker 1 Are we all

Speaker 1 right? Yes, let's all touch our printer prisoners together. We're out of prison.

Speaker 1 You're going to have to say that a little louder. I can't hear you when my Prince William is smushed up against your juice.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I bend down. We're out of prison.

Speaker 1 We're out of prison. I mean, why why would we want to go back? I don't know.
This land is where it will be my new land. I'm okay with that.
There's nothing for me back there.

Speaker 1 Ma'am, do you know what ice cream is? No, what's that? My God, I'm going to kill it here.

Speaker 1 He never even tasted it.

Speaker 1 Oh, I mean, okay. You don't have to get involved in my political plot.
That's fine. Emerald City's that way, she says, pointing towards the large green city you see in the distance.

Speaker 1 Even to look at it kind of hurts your eyes a little bit. It's like you're looking at the sun, but you get the general idea that across the forest there is a city and that it is

Speaker 1 before he had like a road to follow or something there isn't one

Speaker 1 so there's a bad man that needs to be punished in this city this king yeah or at the very least you know dethroned i don't know about punished but certainly that's that's my opinion and that's what this poor young girl was trying to do before our big metal box landed on her yes she and i were going to gain access to his inner sanctum okay in a sanctuary

Speaker 1 and do you think that if someone is that could someone feel less bad about themselves if they helped you if they helped you do the thing that you need to do Could someone who has a lot of who's carrying a lot of

Speaker 1 carrying a lot could he could you feel a little less burdened because he can't be a little bit more than a good witch would it maybe be like the death of this little girl would have made sense if the person who was involved in her death then went on to do something good?

Speaker 1 That's a decision that you can make on your own. I don't think I need to be a part of that arithmetic you've got going in your head.

Speaker 1 But if you want to, I mean, you can either stay here and get, you know, easy.

Speaker 1 That man must be stopped and I will stop him and I will be a hero.

Speaker 1 And the people here who don't know about me or the horrible thing that I did, they will know this new me as a hero, a great guy, and that will be up there for me.

Speaker 1 Flock of wheelers drive by, which are like sentient wheels. Sorry, what? It's just a thing that's in Wizard of Oz.
You see L. Frank Baum's skewed universe.
You also see a yellow hen running by.

Speaker 1 What else? You see a fucking vein glass cat who's like, nah.

Speaker 1 Bungles the name. Man, this place is weird.
It's all weird. In addition to that, you see a very large stone golem coming at you going, oh, I'm going to kill you if you stay in this particular area.

Speaker 1 I wish I moved from that stone golem.

Speaker 1 Again, I'll kill you.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, okay, we're going. We're going to go.

Speaker 1 Hey, next time, you're dead. You're dead, man.
You're fucking dead. Listen.

Speaker 1 You look at me like that again. You look at me like

Speaker 1 again?

Speaker 1 You're dead. Why don't you roll to intimidate the stone creature? I rolled a seven with fear.

Speaker 1 Okay, not only is he not scared, but he gets up close right next to your face and he goes, You seem like an interloper and your attempts to terrify me have fallen on deaf ears but I do know one thing you're gonna die the next time we meet I'm gonna get all my friends together because you don't get to say rude things to me like that without introducing yourself and I will teach you manners at the tip of a blade B-R-B and he runs in the direction of the Emerald City and you know to a certainty that you will see him again

Speaker 1 good job sorry what's your character's name Diana Ingram Eels D-I-E. Sorry, man.
There's been a lot going on. And these shoes feel real good, though.
I don't know why.

Speaker 1 I just wanted y'all to know that it is feel good.

Speaker 1 What is this bad man going to do? Oh, he's just sort of enslaved most of the people in Oz. He's a very horrible dictator.
He's generally a bad guy. I mean, if you just want to chill out.

Speaker 1 Sure, yeah. I don't know what that is.
We probably wouldn't let a man open an ice cream shop, right? Not have to kill him to open an ice cream shop. I mean, you go with that feeling.

Speaker 1 If that's what feels right to you, sure. I get it.
I don't know what to stop this guy, no matter what. You're You're telling me that this person is an authoritative figure that you call the man.

Speaker 1 That is correct. He's a man.
Take this man down. Yeah.
Great. Well, and I think he looked at you wrong.

Speaker 1 He definitely fucking looked at me wrong. And I'll be a good person again if I kill him, right? Yeah.
Sure. I pray for that.
I pray for that for you. I want you to

Speaker 1 love yourself. Diana Ingram Meals.
You can call me Candy. My friends call me Candy.
It's spelled Sandy. It's Candy.
Diana. It's spelled candy.
It's spelled candy. It's spelled candy.
Well, you know,

Speaker 1 sometimes the C's, they act like S's in those complicated words. Those complicated words.

Speaker 1 Exactly. I suppose I'm the most educated man.
You can call me Sandy or Karen. Whatever's your bow, it's all fine with it.
Sandy Candy, Diana Inger Meals, and me. And you, Mr.
Packer S. Packer S.

Speaker 1 And Tim. And Tim, me.
That's you. That's you.
That is me. That's right.
Well, it doesn't have to be Filon. But it doesn't have to be right.
You can create a whole new identity here.

Speaker 1 They could be anyone. Whoever you want.
They don't even have to be kids. They could be anybody.
Anybody who looks at at you wrong. Let's go ahead and tell you.

Speaker 1 I'm going to head that off at the past real quick.

Speaker 1 So if you are indeed planning to go kill the King of Oz, that's great. I'm going to give you two boons.

Speaker 1 Firstly, and she waves her wand: if you just tap your feet together and admit the worst thing you've ever intentionally done, you will get some magic powers. Oh, that's easy.

Speaker 1 Hi, my name is Tim Temple. I'm October.
Intentionally.

Speaker 1 Oh, intentionally. Oh,

Speaker 1 well, I guess intentionally, when I was driving that car, I was looking at the thing.

Speaker 1 Okay, fair enough. That counts.

Speaker 1 So my name's Diana. The worst thing I've intentionally done.

Speaker 1 Probably texting while driving.

Speaker 1 Seeing what Diana's laying down, all of us just trying to clearly make him feel better. I go, because again, like I said, I did not kill nobody, but I have.
So you did kill somebody.

Speaker 1 We have double negatives in us.

Speaker 1 The whole language is complicated. It has to sound like C's, candy, sandy, and saying things are wrong twice, make them right.
That's not right. Maybe it really hurts you.

Speaker 1 Prince William, trying trying to think about it. It does.
So contradiction in terms of tied to the worst thing I've ever done on purpose, which we all do.

Speaker 1 And it's not really that wrong. It's text and while driving.

Speaker 1 Okay, so

Speaker 1 what you're saying, though, is that you guys are like murderers, and this is the worst thing that you did is the thing that I did. Yeah, but it is.
No, but I didn't murder nobody.

Speaker 1 And I'm saying it's really dangerous to Texas.

Speaker 1 It is really dangerous, but it's not your fault.

Speaker 1 I think God, don't do it. I think I figured out what you mean.
Well, I'm Hacker X. And in the eyes of the law, the worst thing I ever done was war driving.

Speaker 1 That's when you drive around with a laptop open. Look at

Speaker 1 Wi-Fi access points. So I guess it is a little bit like, what do you call it? Texting while driving.
I think it's actually a little safer, probably, because bigger screen. Bigger screen.

Speaker 1 It's on the screen. Yeah, you don't have to look it up.
You're not looking at it constantly. Yeah, I mean, the cars these days, the screen's too big.
Some of them drive themselves. Cars and screens?

Speaker 1 Okay, so. When Tim clicks his feet together, he turns into the idealized version of himself, which is the version of himself the day before his accident.
He's thinner. He's got all his hair back.

Speaker 1 His wedding ring is back on his finger. Like his shoulders seem a little lighter.
And he says, oh, hey, yeah, this is what it felt like. This is what it felt like when I was a man, when I was someone.

Speaker 1 And still, what I am now. It really makes me if only you haven't been texting while driving.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'd hit it. Not the previous version, but this version's not so bad.

Speaker 1 When Diana clacks her heels together, she's exactly the same, except she has a bunch of toys from a claw machine in her arms.

Speaker 1 Fuck yes. When Candy clicks his feet together, he looks exactly the same.
He's just no longer a prisoner, but he's got his ice cream outfit on, and he's still getting the best milk around.

Speaker 1 He's still getting the best milk around. He's still getting the best milk around.

Speaker 1 If you want to know what that means, you can ask me later. When Hacker X clicks his heels together, Hacker X becomes a slyborn Earthkin assassin of the Poisoners Guild.
There we fucking go.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 That's right. Three humans and a fucking dude just turned into a sorcerer.

Speaker 1 I'm a flavor sorcerer. Okay.
Sorry, I forgot to say I was a Ridgeborne Emberkin warrior. Yeah.
No, you're a girl with stuffed animals. No, I'm a flavor sorcerer.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, my guy's a bard because he was a podcaster, and that's like being a bard. I have some abilities, like I can like pick locks and stuff.
Great.

Speaker 1 So, as I said, I was going to give you two boons. The first is your magic powers.
The second is a spell book. And she holds out a small packet.
The top of it is yellow. It says playbill.

Speaker 1 And beneath it, it says wicked. And she hands you the playbill for wicked.
And she says, This includes several spells.

Speaker 1 All you need to do is say the name of the spell, and then it will do something akin to what the spell name seems to imply. How come there's so many songs in act one, but not that many in act two?

Speaker 1 I'm looking, I'm looking at the song list right now. We don't talk about act two that much.
Okay. It's about the same number of songs, just not as memorable.
It's not as memorable.

Speaker 1 It just feels like there's less because you don't remember them. I don't know.
I've never seen it.

Speaker 1 You've never seen it. Upon entering the Sound Square, everyone's square.
You guys have an opinion about a show you haven't seen, in my opinion.

Speaker 1 Candy, the worst thing you ever did was look at me like that and say something like that to my face.

Speaker 1 Do you head into Emerald City? Yes.

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Speaker 1 you cut your way through the forest uh whoa seeing some more

Speaker 1 i told you there was a forest we're cutting what are we cutting with the the ice cube scoops you idiot

Speaker 1 this one has a battle axe okay what does this guy look like it's bright blue right in the it's been so long since i've seen it i forgot what it looked like they They're so excited.

Speaker 1 Not me. I'm in the hole.
I was also in the hole. You don't even want to know where that piercing is.

Speaker 1 Wait, Diana, I was also in the hole. Slowly, you start to hear your lips start moving toward each other.
We're in a hole together in different holes. Wait,

Speaker 1 we have a spell book that we can just say any spell that happens. You can say any spell, so long as that spell is the name of a song from Wicked.

Speaker 1 And then it will do something that is akin to the name of that song. So upon entering Emerald City Town Square, you are immediately defy gravity.
I fly.

Speaker 1 I fly straight. I fly straight.

Speaker 1 Guys, get on. I fly straight.

Speaker 1 Over Emerald City, I look for the tallest tower there is. Because that's where the bad guy would be.
They're always in the tallest tower.

Speaker 1 Who else would be up there? You think the baddest guy would let somebody else be higher than them? He'd go to the tallest tower. He'd fly.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 So, so, yeah, you.

Speaker 1 So all four of you start flying. There's a reason this mechanic isn't in Dagger Heart, fucking Anthony.
Oh boy. So all four of you start flying towards the tallest tower in all of Emerald City.

Speaker 1 And beneath you you see people kind of

Speaker 1 guess because we say popular too.

Speaker 1 Wow!

Speaker 1 There they go!

Speaker 1 You're favorite for a new friend.

Speaker 1 Oh no!

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Everybody starts cheering.
Yay! It's them. Yay! They're applauding you.
Quiet. He'll know we're coming.
Quiet, everybody. Shh, shh, shh.

Speaker 1 By the way, they're like, it looks like maybe there was a campaign going on beneath there to like get elected a new king.

Speaker 1 You see the Tin Woodsman peek out of his tinsmith shop with his wife, the patchwork girl. And they're like, we had story stuff, too, and the lion's mane and Ozma's boudoir.
Let's pick one.

Speaker 1 Let's past all of all of that.

Speaker 1 Let's pick one. You all got one.

Speaker 1 No, we can wait. You said where you went.
You went past all of that. And you start flying towards an open window at the very tip top of the castle of Emerald City.
Now, folks, we went real fast.

Speaker 1 If there's anything that you saw that you liked, I think we can go back and do one thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you want someone who was reading a book while they were riding a horse. I'm going to go kill him.
You won't be able to. Oh, we won't be able to fly again.

Speaker 1 You won't be able to fly again if you stop now. I shout down to the guy.
I go, hey, don't do that. Go ahead and roll charisma or something and convince him not to do that.

Speaker 1 He looks up at you and runs over a child because he was distracted.

Speaker 1 If you roll with fear, that's what will happen.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, I rolled a... Do you add them together? You add them together, and then whichever die was more is what it did.
So that's a 16 with fear. Okay, 16 with fear.

Speaker 1 So you successfully get him to go, what? And he looks up at you and he goes, you're right. I'll never read again.

Speaker 1 And before he can finish the sentence, his horse runs over 12 orphans in descending height. So his horse.
He's a succeeded. Yeah.
And he looked at you.

Speaker 1 He looked at you and he agrees that he's not going going to do that anymore. But you rolled with fear, so there is a consequence.
Curse this diabolical system, Mercer!

Speaker 1 Tim, that was the horse's fault. No!

Speaker 1 The horse knew what he was doing. The horse knew.
No, that's true. No.
Yeah. No, that's true.
That is true. That's true.
The horse knew that the horse knows the horse. A horse.

Speaker 1 Yeah. A horse deal.

Speaker 1 That was famous. The horse should have never been on the streets.
Now that's a horse of a different moral.

Speaker 1 That horse is a murderous horse from the beginning. this is a bad horse no just a bad horse

Speaker 1 where the wizard is this is the test so you enter the tower and you see uh stained glass windows are everywhere it looks really cool and impressive yeah if you like sure if you like what i'd say you take stress i just try to get a full tour of this system here yes you take stress and if you take more stress than you have it goes into your hp so yes you are definitely a little stressed wait but i would like to use my experience to negate this stress what's your experience running over a kid yeah he's already played this through a lot of people i have two experiences for my character.

Speaker 1 I have I deserve this and I don't deserve this.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to use I deserve this, which is basically how I can, when misfortune befalls me, I just say I deserve this. And it means that like I accept it.

Speaker 1 And so then I can negate the stress I just gave myself. Okay, great.
Sounds good. Okay, so inside.

Speaker 1 It's pretty incredible what this system can do when you put it fully through the paces, Freddy.

Speaker 1 So you enter what appears to be a throne room, and sitting on a golden throne is boss nas adorned in emerald

Speaker 1 sentimental man

Speaker 1 okay what do you want that to do i want him to make him like me

Speaker 1 uh

Speaker 1 so he goes aww

Speaker 1 what are you doing here i'm gonna kill him

Speaker 1 i'm sentimental about the time we spent together in that plane before it crashed i'm a little bit regretful that i didn't give you some parachutes but man it's been like weeks since we all crashed i thought you guys were dead it's been

Speaker 1 one week It's

Speaker 1 been one week. Yeah, and in that time, it turns out if you have a gun, you can take over Oz really easily.
Oh, man. I lost my gun.
I just have these scoops. That's too bad.

Speaker 1 So you're going to go ahead and get back into prison because my job is to make sure you're in prison.

Speaker 1 So guards, and he shouts out, and a bunch of different creatures enter the room, including a swarm of giant mosquitoes, a couple of archers, a very large scorpion wearing a bow tie, and a mage with a glowing blue blade.

Speaker 1 It's just like anything goes in this universe. Like every animal can, you know what I'm saying? Is that just how it was? The fact that you won't be able to tell which tigers and bears.
Oh my.

Speaker 1 Oz is very anything goes in a lot of ways, I think. Interesting.
Except for fiat currency. By the way, I want to say, are they going to drag us away? They are about to, yes.
What are you going to do?

Speaker 1 I'm just going to really look at Bosnaz. Okay.
Just, don't worry. I'm just going to look at him.
Okay. Well,

Speaker 1 the mage and the archer, nonetheless, the torches are going to be bossy. I just want it to be on the record.
I'm just putting this on the record. I looked at him strong.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, this is going to be something.

Speaker 1 Still not look at a card in his hand i'm just saying so the archer points two crossbows at uh the group of you and says all right this way this way he starts nodding towards uh some starters i would like to use one of my domain effects okay i'm gonna use enrapture against a target within close range who i'm gonna say is one of the guards trying to dragoon everybody and like this archer or the wizard i'm gonna enrapture the wizard okay make a spellcast roll against a target within close range on a success they become temporarily enraptured while enraptured the target's attention is it fixated on you narrowing their field of view and drowning out any sound but your voice once per rest uh you can mark a stress to force the enraptured target to mark a stress as well so i'm just i'm just drawing his attention okay i'll go ahead and just tell you what the difficulty is you're trying to beat okay um you're trying to roll at least a 14 a 14.

Speaker 1 oh i got a 10 with hope i failed with hope okay so i feel like what i do is i say hello server i've never met you but my name is tim tipple on october 15th 2023 i was looking at my phone while driving and i crashed into a vehicle full of children and they all died.

Speaker 1 And I try to tell everybody that so that they know that texting and driving is very serious, very dangerous business. And I just want you to know that and I want you to know that I'm a bad person.

Speaker 1 So whatever you decide to do to me is okay.

Speaker 1 That rules. And in that moment, you see a glamour fall.

Speaker 1 A glamour fall away from the mage, revealing itself to be a green woman with a big, pointy black hat and a broom. And she's a witch disguised as a wizard.
Yes.

Speaker 1 I was trying to get in here to kill the wizard, but the wizard's already done for and she points over at the wall and there's just like a normal guy who's like dead in the corner with three gunshot wounds in his chest and she goes but i'm i'm really here to supplant the king and that's what i'm telling you because you rolled with hope but only you could hear me and i'm still going to wait for my moment so off to the dungeon with you and she puts the the glamour back on and uh shoves you in the back and you guys start heading downstairs unless you want to do something I guess we'll head downstairs.

Speaker 1 Because we're going to prison. Because we're going to prison.
Not again. Oh, man.
Oh, man.

Speaker 1 To be fair,

Speaker 1 how many guys are in this room? Look, if you put it this way, if you just forget about the last five, if you forget about the last hour, we're in the same situation. Nothing has changed.

Speaker 1 Nothing will ever change. It was nice to have a dream for a moment, being a perfect man.
And we got to hold on to that dream. Boss,

Speaker 1 I do got a little idea because I've been staring. You might have noticed I was staring at Boss Nas.

Speaker 1 So we could also just get a little farther away and see what happens.

Speaker 1 Why is that one looking at me? Make him stop looking at me.

Speaker 1 As you're walking away, you're still maintaining doubt we'll go quietly boss nasty you know us you know us you know us you're heading out we never try we never try to escape or anything before we're just we'll go back in prison that's as long as you're leaving me to like a dis and he uh

Speaker 1 the door slams shut behind you as the giant scorpion the archer and the wicked witch of the west start escorting you down at stinger bow and broom point i want to like drift back a little bit okay roll some stealth something to do that i just want them to not see me for like two seconds.

Speaker 1 Okay. Feels like a presence bonus if you have a presence modifier.
I do have plus one presence. So add one to your dice roll.
Better hope, but it's 13. 13 hope.
14 hope, Matt. No, no.

Speaker 1 12 plus 1, 13, hope. I already did the math.
Don't you worry. Okay.
So an average difficulty thing is like a 15. So I'm going to say you failed with hope.
Where do we see how much hope we have?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. How do we spend our hope? Oh, yeah, yeah.
You market every time you roll with hope success. Yeah, I got two hope.
How do I spend it?

Speaker 1 It'll say on your sheet there are certain like abilities you have that you'd spend to hope to get like plus two.

Speaker 1 It doesn't bump your roles. It's like a token for like other stuff.
Yeah, it's basically a currency with which you can spend to do things.

Speaker 1 And I also have fear that I am now marketing that I forgot to mark. Okay, I fail.
I try to slip away, but you try to slip away to the Wicked Wood cheese. It goes, ah, back in line.

Speaker 1 What's going on? What do you want to do?

Speaker 1 Maybe you and I could make a deal. Oh.
She runs her finger down your chest.

Speaker 1 All right. No, I think I'm okay.
Just, you, you just, you know, it's not true what they say. Walk forward.
I don't die if I get wet.

Speaker 1 Damn, ma'am. Ma'am, we just met.

Speaker 1 I don't appreciate that. I don't want to talk like that.
Why don't you just go look for it and just keep on walking? I'll follow you. Okay.
There goes the boon you had.

Speaker 1 I was going to give you, but that's fine. So I make a distraction.
Oh, I use make a scene. Yes.
All right. How do you do that? Oh, wait.
It takes three. I don't have three hopes.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 I can't do that. Okay.
I'm hopeless. Oh, wait a second.
Miss Miss Witch, Miss Wicked Witch, Miss Miss Witch. Don't call me that.
They don't know. They think I'm just a wizard.
She's not a wizard.

Speaker 1 She's a green lady, and she wants to kill the guy that we want to kill. So we should probably work with her.

Speaker 1 The giant scorpion turns and goes, what's that? I said that she wants to kill the guy that we want to kill. Do you want a guy? You see, you guys are all friends, right?

Speaker 1 So you guys all want to kill the guy that we want to kill, too? The guy back there. Why don't you roll to see if you can convince him that you're telling the truth? Boss Das.
We know him.

Speaker 1 He's not our friend. What would this be? A presence roll? Yeah.
Well, I got a two with

Speaker 1 hope. All right.
Well, Mark that you have a hope at least. So the Scorpion goes, that's bullshit, but I like the cut of your jib.
And I'm going to let you walk in front. You're the line leader now.

Speaker 1 Wow. Congratulations.
Cowardly line leader of this responsibility. The last time I was in the front of a line, something bad happened.
I was in the front of a line of traffic.

Speaker 1 Guys, this is high risk, but I think I might have a plan to get out if we just go into the prison cell. But if it doesn't work, we will be stuck in the prison cell.

Speaker 1 The guards just are going to funnel you into your jail cell then and the prison at the bottom of the castle, unless you want to do something to prevent that from happening.

Speaker 1 Sounds like Candy, you have a plan. What's your plan, Candy? I'm just being honest.
It's a high-risk plan. I'm just saying, if we can't find another way out once we're in the cell, I got an idea.

Speaker 1 Well, I know how to get out once we're in the cell. Also, I want to remind everybody that if you have hope, you can use that to aid somebody else's role.
Oh.

Speaker 1 This changes everything.

Speaker 1 This changes everything. This changes.
My, my, my.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Can't wait for our next role.
This changes everything. Sorry, I didn't see you there.
Candy, what's your plan? Sandy, is it Candy or Sandy? I don't have a plan, Wink.

Speaker 1 We're in the cell now, right?

Speaker 1 You were in the cell.

Speaker 1 Sandy, we're in the cell. It's okay.
They're not here anymore.

Speaker 1 Okay, I will go ahead and say because I have Call of the Brave as a subclass, when I failed that role with fear, I got one hope. So I'm going to spend my two hope

Speaker 1 to use spirit form.

Speaker 1 My physical form can shift between corporeal and incorporeal. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Jail can hold me. I have to mark a stress to transition in and out of your spirit form.
You can spend two hope to attack or physically interact with the material world. Okay, that's cool.

Speaker 1 You are now ghostly. Cool.
If you want to be. I think I want to be.
Okay. Go ahead and mark a stress then.
Can the rest of you turn around? Oh, sure.

Speaker 1 I cast uncanny disguise where I can turn into anything I looked at as long as I can picture any humanoid clearly in my mind. So I turn into boss dash and I go, hey, you guys made a mistake.

Speaker 1 What the hell are you guys doing? So the scorpion turns around and looks at you. What? How bad are you at your job?

Speaker 1 You put me in the prison here. Oh, no.
Oh, no, oh no. Open the door, and your punishment is you go inside, and I'll take these prisoners where they should go.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 God damn. God damn.

Speaker 1 And I'll come back in a few minutes and you think about what you've done. I was just going to give it to you, but your plan is so specific that I think you now have to roll for that.

Speaker 1 Give me a presence roll to see if you can convince him to follow this visit. I'd like to spend the hope to help my friends.

Speaker 1 I was going to hope.

Speaker 1 I volunteer as tribute. Oh, shh.
That's a 19 with a hope. 10 hope.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, dude. The scorpion goes, I'll do exactly what you just said.

Speaker 1 I'm literally boss. It's my name's boss.
I'm boss ass. I'm your boss.
I'm the king. Get in there.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. This is what he sounds like, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, pretty much. So the scorpion uses its little pincer to pick the lock because he forgot the keys too.
Opens the door. You're all let out.
He locks it.

Speaker 1 He goes inside, closes the door behind himself. He goes,

Speaker 1 What are you turning to a cop? What happened? I don't know. Don't ask questions.

Speaker 1 I'm so bad.

Speaker 1 We just watched this creature pick the lock with his tail. You know, I'm not boss Nas, right? Yes, it's just, but I'm playing.
What?

Speaker 1 Wait, goddammit. No, wait, boss Ness.
The problem is this. Alar him.
Alar him. This pincer allows him to get in and out of the cell.
Well, the way I use it, yeah.

Speaker 1 We're going to need to take out this pincer.

Speaker 1 Sir. It's the way I use it.
Take your pincers out. Put them out of the cell.
I'm not going to let you trump off my pincers. I'll fight first.
Do you know what Prince William Pearson is?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 It looks something like this. Oh my God.
And he puts his pincers

Speaker 1 through the bars for you to take off. Okay.
Who wants to do it? It's the little grizzly.

Speaker 1 I'm the boss. I'll do it.
I'll deserve to do it.

Speaker 1 What do you need? Just tie it. Just tie it to the bars.
No, no, we can't let him get out. Yeah, I'll cut him off.
Okay. I'll cut him off with the piece of the plane.

Speaker 1 Just a rusty, a rusty piece of the ball. You didn't want to get a technique shot.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Busted.
But wait, but you're not Bosnaz.

Speaker 1 I am Bosnaz. You are.
Look at me. Ah!

Speaker 1 So the scorpion, now pincerless and panicking and running around its cell, black blood shooting everywhere.

Speaker 1 This is horrific. It's helpless to do anything.
What do you want to do now? Anyway, let's leave. So where's the wicked witch? The wicked witch is upstairs with the boss.
Okay, so

Speaker 1 also, sorry, I should have mentioned in the room where you saw the boss, there was another like door leading somewhere else that you have not yet seen. Oh, The room where it happens.
Yes. That's it.

Speaker 1 What do we get if we can drop a Hamilton song in here? You know what? I'll give you one.

Speaker 1 One Hamilton song. Either one Hamilton song or...
I cast Stay Alive.

Speaker 1 Can I ask how the spell exactly? So I should have had advantage on presence roles. It does say I can Don the facade of any humanoid.
You can picture clearly in your mind.

Speaker 1 Oh, you didn't even get the advantage, but yeah, that makes sense. But then place a number of tokens equal to your spell cast trait on on your card.

Speaker 1 Nice. I can't do it again.
That worked one time. Okay, well, it was a good use.

Speaker 1 So, you changed back into you're no longer boss NAS. I'm not boss NAS.
Okay, guys, like I was saying earlier,

Speaker 1 that wizard, he's really a green witch lady. Oh, and in disguise, and she wants to kill boss NAS too.
So, I think we could, why are y'all looking at me like that?

Speaker 1 I think we're looking because you're talking to us. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay. I literally did that in a pitch meeting once.

Speaker 1 I was like, no, I guess this is stupid. And they're like, we're listening to you.
That's why we're looking at you.

Speaker 1 This feels weird. It's been so long.
Do you not like the way we're looking at you? Because you could do something about that.

Speaker 1 I just, it feels weird. This is a long, you know, it's been so long since I talked about something other than the accident.
But right now, it feels like the thing we should do is go help.

Speaker 1 Again, you guys are all looking at me like that. What is that? I mean, we're just, we're just waiting for you to get a little bit more.
If you don't like it, you can do something about it.

Speaker 1 I don't know how I feel about it, but I think that we should. Witch will help us.
I think. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We got to kill boss Nas. We got to kill boss now.
Yeah, this feels good. Okay, this feels good.
It feels good to me.

Speaker 1 You think she'll join the Williams crew? You think she's part of us? Does she have a Prince Albert? I mean, does she have a Prince Williams crew?

Speaker 1 I don't, I hope she doesn't have Prince Albert because then she's not part of the Williams crew.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what, if she doesn't join, I have ways of compelling her to join. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't like

Speaker 1 that. I don't like the way you said that.
I'll need her social security number and her AOL.com email address, and I'll be able to ruin her life. All right, should we sneak up there?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess we sneak back up. We want to sneak up to, but where she is.
Wait, are there any fun disguises? I was just thinking, maybe

Speaker 1 put on some, maybe if we put on some clothes that aren't our clothes, like, no, they'll, they want the same way that she's in disguise as this other guy, like, we could get disguised as other guys.

Speaker 1 I put the pinchers on, I go, ooh, I'm a little bitch.

Speaker 1 Don't hurt me.

Speaker 1 Are there any other people in the jail? Yeah. Jack Pumpkinhead is there.
He looks exactly how you would imagine.

Speaker 1 He's just a guy. He's a guy with a pumpkin for a head.
Oh. You see a sentient wooden sawhorse.
You see a woman wearing a beautiful dress with like multiple heads sitting next to her on her bench.

Speaker 1 And she takes off one with a sad face and puts on one with a happy face, and then changes that one out for a confused face.

Speaker 1 And then we also see a young Ben Bernaki, the 14th chairman of the Federal Reserve.

Speaker 1 Yes, they threw him in. They bomb twisted time and space to threw all Ben Bernacke in there

Speaker 1 for his devotion. No, sorry, Ben.
Your Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences won't help you here where the gold standard reigns. I think we should go talk to Ben Bernackey.
Mr.

Speaker 1 Bernackey, sir, could you tell me a little bit about your time at the Brookings Institute?

Speaker 1 What were your monetary fiscal policies? Pen Bernackey, how do you get to Oz?

Speaker 1 How did you get here? Well, if there's one thing I know about myself, it's that I was born in Georgia and does sound like this.

Speaker 1 From August 5th, 2002 until June 21st, 2005, I was a member of the board of governors of the Federal Reserve System. I proposed the Bernanke Doctrine, named after me, Benjamin Beranke.

Speaker 1 I hate that stupid doctrine. I love about...

Speaker 1 I believe in green moderation.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 It seems like a man that boss NASA everything there is to know about economic advising. I am friends with Alan Greenspan.
In fact, I succeeded him. This man feels like he could be the king of Oz.

Speaker 1 I think we were brought here. I think every horrible thing that's ever happened, including the things that I did that were my fault, brought us here to make Ben Bernay king of Oz.

Speaker 1 I have 14 children, so that bounces out comically. Ben, I grab Ben through the bars by his arm.
Unhand me, good sir.

Speaker 1 You must be king of Oz. We need a new king.

Speaker 1 We can't just kill that king, and then there's no king, then there's no leader of the country, and then everything will fall apart, just like my marriage fell apart.

Speaker 1 Well, on the one hand, I do not have a particular amount of experience in governing people, but on the other, President Barack Hussein Obama,

Speaker 1 I don't think Hussein Obama

Speaker 1 re-nominated me to my position as chairman and called me the epitome of calm.

Speaker 1 And perhaps that is the kind of steady, soft, moisturized Georgia peach of a hand that this particular kingdom could use to push it into a space where they have the courage to act, the name of my 2015 book.

Speaker 1 Looks like we've found a successor. Tim Tipple drops to one knee and says, You have my knife.
And I pull out my two daggers that I have that are my dagger heart weapons. Thank you.

Speaker 1 And he takes it from you. And

Speaker 1 you said I have them.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, I have this other one.
I'm going to hold on to this one. Okay.
If we make you king, sir, we make you king. I got a couple requests.

Speaker 1 Number one, I get to open up an ice cream shop. I swear to God, Matt.

Speaker 1 Number two. Number two, we did not go back to prison.

Speaker 1 And number three, don't say it, Matt. I'll all pay taxes.

Speaker 1 I mean, never.

Speaker 1 I mean, never.

Speaker 1 So if that all sounds swell to you, if that all sounds swell to you, we'll take you out of the cell. Wait, wait, wait.
One more, one more, one more request.

Speaker 1 If we do this for you,

Speaker 1 texting while driving is legal.

Speaker 1 That's true. Could you make it so that texting while driving it's legal and that it wasn't a crime and it wasn't bad that I did it? It was just a drug.
It's not just legal.

Speaker 1 It should be seen as a moral imperative.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I don't want to get caught not texting and driving.

Speaker 1 Personally, I'm against both the ideas of non-taxation and the idea of pro-texting while driving.

Speaker 1 But I believe if you succeed in a presence role, that perhaps I would be willing to look the other way ethically. Okay, I'm going to

Speaker 1 make a presence role. Excuse me if we cast history has its eyes on you on Ben Bernack.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 I'm going to use my ability, Heart of a Poet. Okay, love it.
After you make an action roll to impress, persuade, or offend someone, you can spend a hope to add one D4 to the roll. Okay.

Speaker 1 So because Ben Bernanke is against these two ideas, I'm going to say his difficulty is going to be a 20. A 20.
So I have to beat a 20. But again, people can spend hope to help you.
I'll spend hope.

Speaker 1 I got two hope. How do I spend it? You just mark it down on your sheet.
Yeah, because I'm not paying the taxes on it.

Speaker 1 So you're going to aid Will by rolling a d6

Speaker 1 which is going to add to his total action roll that's plus five for you bud oh so plus five plus i roll a one d4

Speaker 1 15 plus five is 20.

Speaker 1 oh just barely made it so i say sir ben bernanke on august 15th 2023 i was looking at my phone checking the reddit comments on the episode of my podcast that i uploaded that morning to see if people had anything nice to say about my podcast.

Speaker 1 What was your podcast about? It was a Dungeons and Dragons podcast, but it was yours. yours.
Mostly the gimmick that brought people in to listen to you.

Speaker 1 Surely it can't just be an actual player. Neither gamma.
We got in so early that we just were able to be four white guys doing Dungeons and Dragons, and it was like we came early together.

Speaker 1 The cool boys' method of band.

Speaker 1 And I was just looking, I was just looking to see if the comments were going to be good.

Speaker 1 Look at this hadn't been that good lately, and I was hoping people would think that it was a good episode and not a bad episode. And then while I was looking, I crashed into a car.

Speaker 1 But the point is that

Speaker 1 I feel really bad, and I don't want to feel bad anymore. And if what I did was legal, then it wouldn't be a crime to get my life back.
Well, as I've always said since the 2008 financial crisis.

Speaker 1 There's a financial crisis in 2008.

Speaker 1 If there's one thing I've always said, it's that sometimes you got to bail them out. And in this respect, I'm going to ethically bail you out and say that everything you did was stone cold legal.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Ben. I appreciate that.
As you say that and the guilt is lifted from Tim Tipple, he like ascends and does like a sailor moon transformation, and he pirouettes in the air.

Speaker 1 And when he comes back down, he's got like screenwriter drip on. He's got like a sorry, what? What? He's got like a pinstripe blazer and like a funny pop culture t-shirt.

Speaker 1 And he's wearing converses and like fucking cargo pants. And he's like,

Speaker 1 what's up, guys? It's me, Tim Tipple here with the White Guy Podcast Experience. Yeah, what's going on? Let's roll some 20s.
Let's make some money. Let's spend some pennies.
Am I right?

Speaker 1 I'm going to give up my Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences to go back on that decision I just made. Too late, man.
Now I'm back. Tim's back, baby.

Speaker 1 Did you know I met my wife, Anna, on a blind date? Can I give you a Bernankeism? Please do. That's when you make someone come so hard that they make a lot of money.

Speaker 1 Here's one for you, Anthony. Tell them that your interest rate has dropped to 0%.

Speaker 1 My interest in this conversation has dropped to 0%.

Speaker 1 This guy on the throne, y'all.

Speaker 1 My name is Ben Bernanke. My wife's name is Anna Bernanke.
This is true.

Speaker 1 People call us Bernan Bernanke.

Speaker 1 you like that one anthony laughed at his own joke i've never seen no i'm just laughing at the fact that i for some reason thought it was so important that i had to say it in that moment i think i'm what i'm really happy about is that you actually did a lot of research about the wizard of oz this is the fpc we're sticking with yep yep i read every single wikipedia entry for every single oz book tim tipple busts Ben Bernanke's door open and we storm upstairs.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're just going straight to storm of the capital style. We're not doing it.

Speaker 1 I I was just jan sixing this.

Speaker 1 I feel ready to make some. If I create the laws, then I will make sure that none of you shall face any repercussions for what happens here today.

Speaker 1 Wow. I love this.
And we're not paying taxes. And you're not paying taxes.
And I get an ice cream shop. And I can text it when I drive as much as I want.
In fact, it's mandatory.

Speaker 1 As long as you buy a copy of my 2022 book, 21st Century Monetary Policy, colon, the Federal Reserve from the Great Inflation to 19 man imagine being asked to write the forward of that

Speaker 1 i just wouldn't have much to say forward by matt arnold yeah

Speaker 1 imagine being asked to write the forward for that and then matt goes i just wouldn't have much to say

Speaker 1 okay so you head back up the stairs to the throne room of boss now oh should we get some weapons on the way up yeah yeah ben Benny boy

Speaker 1 yelse see any weapons while you've been around here oh yes there is an armory just over over here.

Speaker 1 And he leads you to a room that is definitely not a bunch of repurposed items that I was going to have at Osman's boudoir. Here's a roll of carpet.
Here is a magnet. And here

Speaker 1 is a picture frame.

Speaker 1 I am unsure of how these work, but I know they have magical properties. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 I'm going to look at the picture frame. Oh, damn.
Damn. As you look into the picture frame, what are you thinking of? Probably plowing into a school muscle.
Not anymore. He's free.
That's true.

Speaker 1 You're probably thinking about muscle supplements.

Speaker 1 i am i'm thinking about

Speaker 1 to have low tea i'm thinking about how excited i am to get back to my old life and i'm so curious about how all the reddit comments have been about my podcast ever since i went to reddit front page yeah because we're on the reddit front page the subreddit for my podcast for white guys playing dnd okay so you're on the white guys playing dnd subreddit you realize as you look into this that it is a magic picture frame that when you look into it it allows you to look anywhere anytime for any amount of time oh wow you can't go through it but you can look oh i'm going to look into the room we're about to go into great uh You see exactly where everyone is.

Speaker 1 It's the same group of people as before, minus the scorpion who you de-pincered. And the witch is really good.

Speaker 1 No, before I do that, I'm going to go back to 2010 and catch Lynn Manuel doing Hamilton on Broadway.

Speaker 1 Lamar O of them on

Speaker 1 the original cat. You have a time travel too? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Guys, gather out. You guys ready to see something incredible? Yeah, let's do it.
Come here. And then we'll.

Speaker 1 The sound doesn't appear to be coming through.

Speaker 1 I'm only getting whispers.

Speaker 1 Hey, Ben, check this shit out.

Speaker 1 Ben Bernange says, oh, also, there's these three pearls here. There's a blue one, a pink one, and a white one.
What?

Speaker 1 A blue pearl, a pink pearl, and a white pearl.

Speaker 1 Just

Speaker 1 alabaster, if one may, in this room. In this room.
Are they just separate?

Speaker 1 Yes, they are in separate boxes.

Speaker 1 I want to grab the pink one. Okay, you feel really good.
Oh, I feel good. Really, really, really grabbing.
Grab the white one. I feel like it's still amazing.

Speaker 1 You hear whispers in your ear, and the white pearl speaks words of wisdom and says, you should have picked the pink one. Oh, I want to pick the pink one.
Too late. I got the ball.

Speaker 1 I'm the pearl of wisdom.

Speaker 1 I picked the other one, the last remaining one. You feel strong

Speaker 1 imagination. You feel physically on stop.
Last time I felt this way, I was on a T1 internet connection. Nice.
Wait, white pearl. You just tell me to get the pink one or do you do something?

Speaker 1 I speak words of wisdom. Oh, okay.
It would have been wise to have gotten one of the other purposes. I guess I'm useful in a team.
I think you're useful too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the blue one gives you supreme strength and the pink one protects from harm. Yeah, smart.
Nobody likes a smart one.

Speaker 1 Exactly. I got the smart one.
You guys, if you have any questions, like, I'll smart pearl, so we can figure it out. Now, what? No, what does the magnet do? I pick up the magnet.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Does attracting metal not do enough for you? Is that not funny?

Speaker 1 Visibly pulling towards ferric metals? Dank ferric, dude. Every single person now loves you who's near you.
Oh, all the cons. Ben Bernanke is like, well, perhaps I'll judge you too quickly.

Speaker 1 Seriously? You caused me. Why are are you all looking at me like that? You just are delightful.
I think it's awesome that you killed all those kids. Ben Bernanke is hoping for some Ben Henke pancake.

Speaker 1 I want to make an ice cream that tastes like you.

Speaker 1 Okay. So that's what that does, that magnet, apparently, is it makes people fall in love with you.
Well, I'm just going to put this right here. Tim, I'm in love with you.

Speaker 1 Whoa, that's a little much for me. I'm going to put this down.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's back to a five.

Speaker 1 I want to unroll the carpet. It keeps unrolling.
It goes through the open door and down the stairs. This is going to be great as a runner in my house.
It keeps going if you keep it.

Speaker 1 Do it, take the other side and flip it out the window. Yeah, but we want to kill a man, not escape.
Well, surely one will happen after the other.

Speaker 1 Well, it kept going and then it keeps going and keeps going. As long as you pull on it.

Speaker 1 Because I know it's like he's all about the gold stain. Is this like a metaphor for paper currency? Is that what this is? Like you just keep printing it and it'll cover the

Speaker 1 I think after the first book he was kind of done with the allegory because I just started to do a bunch of weird shit. Yeah, the first one he was like, it's an allegory.

Speaker 1 Second one, he's like, what if the monkey

Speaker 1 tigers ate little kids? What if these guys had wheels and we call them wheelers? The other end of the carpet, I roll out a window.

Speaker 1 You know, a carpet that goes from the top of the tower down to the ground.

Speaker 1 You can use a fucking knife to slide down it, just like in Tomorrow Never Dies when they cut through Evelyn Carver's face with that knife and the poster area on the side of the building.

Speaker 1 Oh, Prince of Persia game. Hold on.
So this is a picture from Let's Look Into the Future. Yeah.
I bet we could get cats on this thing. Cats? Tim, I'm in love with you.
Oh, whoa.

Speaker 1 put it down, but I guess just his personality. But no, it's just something about the way he said cats.
We should look into the future. Are we going to be successful?

Speaker 1 Let's analyze Doctor Strange, every possible action you can take. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Three hours later.

Speaker 1 I've examined everything with my American accent. And guys, I love Doctor Strange.
Doctor Strange. One, we will, I found the perfect solution to Kobas NAS.
However, Iron Man will have to die.

Speaker 1 So if they could find any

Speaker 1 Best Water Man of the Federal Reserve. That's the best one.
The Iron Man. The Iron Man.
You're saying that in order to kill the king, Ben Bernanke will have to die?

Speaker 1 That's the only way Ben Bernanke, Iron Man of the Federal Reserve, will have to die?

Speaker 1 No, Ben. Don't do it.
Ben Bernanke can never truly die so long as he lives on in your hearts. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 All right. I guess we got to do it for Ben.
What do we see? What's the good job putting the fucking future time travel device in here? What do we see in the mirror? What's the plan we see, Anthony?

Speaker 1 Where we win,

Speaker 1 but Bernaggi dies. You decide that.
Oh, man. What's your plan? I think we decided.
The plan was basically the storm in. Oh, wait.
I got a nice surprise.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, then what you see, what you see in the mirror is five people run in and fucking bolts and magic go everywhere, and it's really messy, gross fucking combat.

Speaker 1 And Ben Bernanke takes a crossbow bolt to the skull and falls over but the rest of you are fine and boss nas is dead and we do the first performance of wicked and then everybody's so enamored by our performance that they accept our new puppet king sure I want to look in the mirror more

Speaker 1 faithful listener dagger heart is not like this

Speaker 1 if Bernacke dies then we'll have to pay taxes

Speaker 1 you're right there's no way we can't let Ben Bernanke die Oz needs Ben Bernacki. If you need Ben Bernaki to help.

Speaker 1 As I realize that Ben Bernaki is going to die and not be able to make it so that Texi while driving is morally acceptable, I start swilting and turning back into old Tim Tipple. I'm like, oh no.

Speaker 1 But then that means that it was wrong that I killed those kids in the thing and it's going to be bad again. So no.
Look, we have to save him. We have to find some way.

Speaker 1 Maybe we can trick the king of Oz. Maybe we can trick boss Nass and imprison him somehow.
That's a good idea. Wait a second.
Oh, I have to go.

Speaker 1 I have an idea. I'm in your shadow.

Speaker 1 I have an idea.

Speaker 1 Man, I want to see. You've had so many fun ideas.
I want to see my idea. I want to hear your idea.
They don't know the mirror is broken.

Speaker 1 What if we put the mirror up and then we put on a play in the mirror that's like, but we make it look because you can turn into boss Nas.

Speaker 1 And we make it look like this is the future, Boss Nas, and you don't leave.

Speaker 1 It's like in that play that the kids were going to put on at their school before I killed them, the Christmas Carol, where we convince Boss Nas that he needs to give up the throne to Ben Bernanke or something really bad bad will happen to him because he thinks he's looking in the mirror, but he's actually just looking at us doing a play.

Speaker 1 What a classic Ben Bernanke subterfuge. Matt, I have uncanny disguise as well.
So I guess

Speaker 1 you can beat Boss Nest.

Speaker 1 I think it's time to put on a Broadway show. Yes.
Hit it.

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Speaker 1 Hardcut to you guys are in the

Speaker 1 throne room, and the witch is there holding the frame. And I feel like you guys probably talked to her beforehand and were like, hey, do this for us.
Yeah. The witch is like,

Speaker 1 I'll roll to convince her. I'll roll to convince her.
Now it's 18, though, with hope. Okay, great.
18 with hope. And I'm working with her.
Yeah, okay, that sounds like a good idea to me.

Speaker 1 As long as I get to be your puppet master on the throne or the puppet. Well, no, no, no, no, Bernanke.
Bernaki's in charge. Yeah, you're going to get to the poster, puppet master.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, you'll you'll be puppet mastermind. You're going to be posting master.
You'll be puppet master.

Speaker 1 Everything's coming up. Witch, which of the west? You should be puppet master.
Guys, get the water ready.

Speaker 1 We don't need the water. We just need a mega word.
Boss, boss, boss, Ness.

Speaker 1 He, from a nap, awakens by going,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 she says,

Speaker 1 I have terrible news. The future is dire indeed.
And she holds up a frame. And what do you guys do behind the frame? So, act first one.
Yes, act one.

Speaker 1 How did a bastard orphan on one?

Speaker 1 Okay, act one, a spotlight hits boss NAS. Played by the music.
Played by Hacker X.

Speaker 1 Hacker X in uncanny disguise. Hold on.
Let me just quickly mark this for us. And I'm now disguised.

Speaker 1 So method, dude. I know.
So what do you say? I sit upon this throne.

Speaker 1 And I'm the king of this world. Oh, it's a musical.
It says boss NAS. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 He's supposed to be

Speaker 1 in the future. We all start singing.
He's supposed to see

Speaker 1 what you think is going to happen. A fucking sign drops down that says presenting Boss Nas a one-man musical about Bosnas.

Speaker 1 I write and start my own musical. Man, everything's coming up, Boss Nas.
And then pulls back a little bit, and we see everyone else is in the audience watching.

Speaker 1 And that's what I have for the first part of the first song. It's a workshop.
It's a workshop.

Speaker 1 All of our players go to San Francisco. They do workshops.
What do you think, everybody? Let's hear a

Speaker 1 go around the room, and everybody tell me what you think about my opening number.

Speaker 1 I'm turning to rainy morning. We pull out and we see that we're actually all looking at the beer.
We're like, and that's what would happen if you weren't paying attention ready to

Speaker 1 what Will was

Speaker 1 laying down. So now

Speaker 1 let's try it.

Speaker 1 So now let's try it again.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Oh yeah, that's right. That's right.

Speaker 1 Well, what a long,

Speaker 1 long day of governing and ruling over these people. I grow weary.
I like doing it, but I grow weary. Is he buying it? Can we tell boss asks to Zeal? That sounds like what I would be saying soon.

Speaker 1 So I guess I get sick of being king. I wonder why.
Oh, why would I be sick of it?

Speaker 1 Candy runs up and is like, Candy!

Speaker 1 This is what happens if you don't.

Speaker 1 This is what happens.

Speaker 1 This is what happens if you don't, because you didn't let us free that one time we came into the throne room. Get out of here! I start stabbing you, fake, stabbing you.

Speaker 1 I'm being killed by these people. It would make me think that I should just kill these people when I have the chance, though.
Ah, but you tried to do that, and this is what happens.

Speaker 1 Then Diana runs up and is like but if you let us free this is what happens hey i'm a big uh broadway agent and i want you to have your one-man show on broadway i've been working on it

Speaker 1 the man the myth the legend

Speaker 1 can i sing you the first part of my song you don't even have to that's how much faith we have in you Somebody roll something to convince the man that this is really happening.

Speaker 1 All right, I am going to. Everyone, blow your hope now, baby.
Tim, Tib, Tim. Just Nico and stab him while he's watching this.

Speaker 1 Just neeko and stab him. Don't join this production.
Stab him. And as they're doing that,

Speaker 1 Tim Tibble with an assassin's blade, a la Abraham Lincoln in John Wilkes Booth skulks up behind. John Wilkes booth, right?

Speaker 1 Abraham Lincoln killed a man. He skulks up behind Bosness and says, Benjamin.
You guys do your thing to see how distracting. All right, so I'm going to roll for the presents.

Speaker 1 Stage presents, if you will.

Speaker 1 Seven and a two.

Speaker 1 A nine with fear. Okay, so that's really bad.
So he goes, wait a second. And he stands up and he pokes his finger through the hole in the picture frame and he goes, this is hollow.
This is.

Speaker 1 And he grabs the picture frame and throws it on the ground. And he goes, it's a trick.
It's a trick. Gods.
God damn it. I'm going to use rally

Speaker 1 once per session. Describe how you rally the party and give yourself and each of your allies a rally die.
And alley's a rally die. Each of your alley.

Speaker 1 Your alleys get yourself rallying. You rally each of your allies gets a rally die.
At level one, your rally die is a 1d6, and then you can just add it to their spend the rally die to roll it out.

Speaker 1 There's a free 1d6 for everybody. 3B, 1d6, or

Speaker 1 damage and clear street, you do whatever you want with it. I've got an idea of what I would do with my rally die.
I think I need to describe what I do first. Oh, damn it.
Which is

Speaker 1 No, it's okay.

Speaker 1 I sing.

Speaker 1 We haven't used our Hamilton song yet, have we? Not yet. I say, I am not throwing away my shots.
And then I

Speaker 1 shoot him with a gun that appears in my hand when I sing the Hamilton song. Okay.
So I have a Aaron Burr style picture. Very famously, you shoot it straight into the air.

Speaker 1 Very famously, that song was singing about him actually shooting somebody. I say, I'm the damn fool that shot him.
And I shoot him in the back of the head. That's from a different song.
That's, yeah.

Speaker 1 I say, I'm not throwing away my shot. Okay.
But this is the part of the musical where Hamilton is not going to throw away the shot from me. Oh.

Speaker 1 But he does.

Speaker 1 You could have gone for blow us all away.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you pull the gun, you fire, give me a disadvantage roll. Go ahead and roll your attack, but also roll a D6 and subtract that from your shit.
I have a 13 minus 6, so that is a

Speaker 1 7 with fear.

Speaker 1 Can we help? No, I've got a lot of money. Don't waste on that.
I'll go ahead. But I don't think you're going to have enough.

Speaker 1 I'm throwing away my shot. And then I fire my gun.
Straight into the air. This is also how I was hoping to rally everybody.
Well,

Speaker 1 that doesn't happen.

Speaker 1 You fire your gun straight into the air. It takes out a chunk of the ceiling.
That chunk of ceiling falls down and makes a little hole in the ground right where you are.

Speaker 1 It collapses the ground underneath you. You fall, fall, fall, fall down to the ground level of Emerald City.

Speaker 1 And then one of the sentient cars that runs on Flabbergas itself, reading a newspaper, runs into you at full speed and looks at at you. I have six emperor Tyrannus.
Oh, is he dead? Yeah, he's dead.

Speaker 1 I'm dead. Oh, my God.
What do you mean I don't get to roll for it? Yeah, go ahead, roll for it. There's a cool death thing you get to do in this game.

Speaker 1 You can go out in a blaze of glory or you can play it safe. So what does that mean? If you play it safe and you stabilize, you don't die, but you get a scar.

Speaker 1 If you get a blaze of glory, you get to do something critically good, but then you die. Oh, you can also risk it all.
What does that mean? Roll both a hope and a fear die.

Speaker 1 A success on the die roll can restore the character's hit points and bring them back into the fray. A failure means the character still dies.

Speaker 1 I'm going to do that. Okay.
You're going to roll a hope and a fear die.

Speaker 1 And you're going to try to beat a number. Ah, beat the number.
Well, how did it go? I rolled a seven for my hope die. And they rolled a three for my fear die.
Oh, it's a hope is higher.

Speaker 1 You stand up and get the difference between hope and fear. Okay, so the car is hurtling towards me.
I crash into the ground. I look up and I see it.

Speaker 1 I see this car hurtling towards me and I'm like, ah, yes, the death I've long craved, the death I brought on others shall be mine.

Speaker 1 I shall be fucking pasted onto the ground and then in the shining headlights i see like my whole fucking life flash before my eyes

Speaker 1 my youth as like a wacky class clown then go to college to do fucking film some bullshit like that and then fucking graduate in the recession and it's kind of tough and then i meet well where did you draw this character

Speaker 1 meet some fun guys and we start doing content together and then we make this podcast and it's really good and then that fateful day where i ruined everything And then I realized like, no, I still have so much to give to the world.

Speaker 1 And I see all the smiling faces of the children who got killed because of me and they're in heaven. And they're like, it's okay that we died because now we're in heaven.

Speaker 1 And then I see my wife and she's in married to a new guy, but that's not going very well. And that's all right, too.
Cause I'm like, you know, I'm going to be back.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, I'm going to get on Tinder and do my own thing. You know, it's going to be great.
And then I fucking, Tim sees it and he's like, I can do this. I need to let it all go.

Speaker 1 I need to be Tim again. And I raise my hand and I say no to the car.

Speaker 1 Okay. The car says, and then stops.
And then I jump in the car. Hey,

Speaker 1 hey, I punch the gas and I drive back up to the top of the room. You did.

Speaker 1 And then you drive back. I drift up and I say, need a ride? No.
No, we need to kill somebody.

Speaker 1 He touches the mirror. No, is it a mirror or is it a photo frame? It is a photo frame.
It was broken. It's a painting frame, but it is broken now.

Speaker 1 It's broken because he touches it and realizes he can touch through it, right? Yeah. Diana's like, yeah, this is a simulation.
Touch me. Touch me right now.
What? A simulate? A simulation.

Speaker 1 Oh, a similar frame. You think that's air you're breathing? What? Go ahead and roll presence, I suppose, to convince him that he is losing his mind.

Speaker 1 So then says it's a sex with fear.

Speaker 1 He goes, if it's a simulation, I probably can't do this. And he reaches out and grabs your neck and snaps it, and you fall to the ground corporeal again.
I look at Hackser, I say, Hacker X.

Speaker 1 Hacker X to me. I go, let's just do this the old-fashioned way.
Let's do it.

Speaker 1 I just jump on Boss. You're still live, by the way.
You just have your neck going in the wrong direction. I want want to just jump on boss Nas.

Speaker 1 I just want to engage in this new dagger heart conference. Yeah, I too enter the whole.
I want one scooping and I was like, draw my prison shank and go for Bosna. Me and the hacker.

Speaker 1 You're scooping out people's eyes with an ice cream scoop. That's so original.
No, it's so original. Okay, well, first I'm going to have him take a turn because he hasn't actually done a turn yet.

Speaker 1 There was no initiative and I talked first.

Speaker 1 He is distracted. He was doing other things.

Speaker 1 Okay. He's just going to attack you.
What is your evasion? Looks like he wants to do the old-fashioned way, too.

Speaker 1 My evasion, yeah, 10. So, he hits you and he's gonna do seven damage, and also I get a fear.

Speaker 1 That was the only shot you got. I mean, I'll spend one of my fear to give him another turn

Speaker 1 until you this won't be the one. He hits you again.
Ow, this time for 14 damage. Okay,

Speaker 1 wait, thus getting another fear. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, slow down. Slow down.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, slow down. Wait, wait.

Speaker 1 Wait. All right, that one he missed.
That one he missed. No, wait.
You wait.

Speaker 1 Just because you talk fast doesn't mean you're right. Do you understand?

Speaker 1 You slow everyone once I want to understand how to use experience. I'll tell you right now.
I'll tell you right now. I have fought off a burglar as an experience.
And that shit is relevant right now.

Speaker 1 So when he comes for me,

Speaker 1 this isn't my first rodeo, Anthony. I wonder if you can use experience in combat.
Let me check.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure you can do whatever you want with it.

Speaker 1 Just add two.

Speaker 1 Add two to what, though? It allows you to add two to your role, not evasion. I can't roll to, like, fight back.
No, you just get hit. You excuse hitting me.
Yeah, he hits you twice in a row.

Speaker 1 I can't, like, roll to go away? No, thrice in a row. Sorry.
All right, I die.

Speaker 1 Do you want to, do you want to risk it all? Do you want to sacrifice yourself? Yeah, I can remember you get to go out to a blaze of glory if you want. So, wait, what are the options for a death?

Speaker 1 You can sacrifice yourself and do something critically successful. Nah, you can roll to see if you get more hope than fear.
And if so, you just stand back up.

Speaker 1 Or you can stabilize where you basically can't do shit, but you have like one HP. Now I'll risk it.
I want to remember that time that burglar came into my ice cream shop.

Speaker 1 He tried to get me.

Speaker 1 I got him. It's dead.
All right. Roll hope and a fear.
If your fear is higher, you die. Okay, my fears is a purple die.
It's a three. No.
Okay. What's your hope? My hope is a 12.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 So you get nine health back. Click, boom.
Boom. You get nine health back and you fucking spring right back up like nothing even happened.
You do a kipo.

Speaker 1 Does he attack again because he got all that fear or whatever mechanic you're talking about? He just keeps attacking. He can, but I'm not going to do that.
Good. Then I'll attack him now.

Speaker 1 I talk. No addition.
If I talk, I hit.

Speaker 1 You do have to roll. What did I roll against his evasion? Yes, his evasion is 15.
All right. I'm using the scoops just like I did with that burglar.
Okay, roll plus two.

Speaker 1 He was really down on this burglar lore that he set set up for his game. He's pretty psyched about it.
Roll plus two, because this is reminding me of when I fought the burglar.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. What I added to the just the roll.

Speaker 1 That's where he would die. Seven and four.

Speaker 1 So 11.

Speaker 1 13. It was 13 with hope, though.
Well, then you didn't hit 15, so you can't win. Oh, nice.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Diana's going to try to hit him with the battle axe, aka the piece of plain metal that is attached to a toothbrush. Go ahead and roll.
You're trying to get a 15. A 15.

Speaker 1 With hope. With hope? Yes.
All right, roll your die. Damage die is a D10 plus three.
You did 10 damage to him, which is going to be major damage that goes into his major threshold. So he loses 2 HP.

Speaker 1 Nice. Nice.
And with the hope, he is incapable of acting or asking for his guards to do anything for one more action. So you guys get another action.
I want to fight this man. Nice.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to run up and stab him in the back. Now, here's the funny thing about that.
I'm also going to mark a stress

Speaker 1 and use what I have here as my, as part of the poisonous. Oh, you spend hope to use your experience.
Thank you, Matt. It's a good mechanic.
Mark a stress. I add one D4 plus one tokens to this card.

Speaker 1 A five. Five tokens.
Now, I will use one of these tokens. Leechweed.
Gain a 1d6 bonus on this attack. Okay, so in fiction, how does that make sense? This is my prison shank.

Speaker 1 It's a really rusty tetanusy blade. Nice.
Okay, go ahead and roll. You're trying to beat the 15.
Nine plus three.

Speaker 1 That's 12. But I'm using my d6 that I had.
Okay. The little bonus d6.
That little cheeky bonus d6

Speaker 1 to roll it. Because you were so inspired by me falling through the ground and then driving a car up.
Yes. Just to move.

Speaker 1 So I got 12 plus four 16 all right with hope damage is a 1d8 plus a 1d6 jeez due to the tetanus due to the tetanus aspects of it a seven all right that is another major hit he is down to so he took two damage he took two hp damage because that is a major threshold for his damage oh i actually don't mind that it's interesting I feel like of the characters that we've fought against in other campaigns and stuff like this one, I get the clearest sense of like how close he is to being completely fucked.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's true because every time it's like you can get these weird, huge numbers, and you're like, yeah, maybe you'll swing for 20. Yeah, maybe you'll hit him in one shot.
Maybe you won't.

Speaker 1 Like, yeah, but this work, it's impossible to kill anybody in one shot, but it's also impossible to be killed in one shot. So, like, okay.
Yeah. Who wants to go next?

Speaker 1 He gets stabbed and immediately gets sepsis. Ben's got to go.
Ben. Ben.
All right. All right.
All right.

Speaker 1 It is time

Speaker 1 for a merger. Between my fist and your scrotum.
And he's going to attack. He hits.

Speaker 1 Fuck yeah, Bernaki.

Speaker 1 He does 14 damage, which is a severe. Oh, no, he killed him.

Speaker 1 The true king. Bernanke fucking punches him in the dick so hard his grotto goes up through his entire body cavity and his balls explode at the top of his skull.

Speaker 1 And Bernanke says, I was not so Federal Reserved in that moment.

Speaker 1 Now that's what I call a Prince Ben. What? Piercing.
Oh, we'll get one in honor of you. Yep.
The witch goes, oh, okay. We'll put it on the other one.
Oh, yep. I was going to pierce the other one.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Congratulations. And Ben Benanki says, thank you.
You hear jingle as the body of boss NAS hits the ground and he goes, ooh, what are these? And he pulls out a keyring and he tosses it at you guys.

Speaker 1 And he goes, maybe that'll be useful or something.

Speaker 1 I think we should abolish the prison industrial complex. I think not.

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 the power has corrupted me.

Speaker 1 No. No.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. But

Speaker 1 it's still okay to crash into someone while you're texting your drive. It is mandatory to do that.
Oh, so we're still good. All right, that's fine.

Speaker 1 Oh, we don't have to pay that. Like the people of Oz, oh boy.
Oz fine. They're in for Bernank Apocalypse.
They're going to be saying that. Ben, I don't like the way you're looking at me.

Speaker 1 How should I look at you?

Speaker 1 I slowly hand Diana my prison shank. Yeah, I guess Diana's just going to attack Ben.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much for listening to our Dagger Heart one-shot. I do think we should probably, like, actually.

Speaker 1 You don't want to do a fucking butch casting the Sundance Kid where you freeze rain and everybody's surely dead? All right. You stab Ben Bernanke.
Give me an attack. Any die.
You got to roll.

Speaker 1 You got to roll to see if that happens.

Speaker 1 You're trying to beat a 10.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm trying to beat a 10.

Speaker 1 I don't. Ben Bernanke will not tolerate Ben treachery.
And he grabs you by the. Hanky, Annie, Hanky, Panky.
Hanky, Penke. He's going to grab you and throw you out of the window.

Speaker 1 Grab the carpet on your way down. Okay.

Speaker 1 He throws you successfully out the window. You're going to grab it.
Go ahead and roll finesse, let's say. Why are we killing this guy? Instead of the sound I made, can you put the Cynthia Revo?

Speaker 1 We could. We're not going to.
God damn it.

Speaker 1 I got a nine. You miss the carpet and you just slide all the way down and you hit the ground really hard.
You're going to take...

Speaker 1 How much HP do you have left? I actually don't think I've taken any damage. Okay, great.
You're just going to take three HP damage. You'll take severe damage.
Now what?

Speaker 1 You've started another boss fight. I say, man, I don't know what she was up to, but I'm happy with you as king.
I'm just gonna. Do you have a store already set up for me?

Speaker 1 Or should I just go pick any building I want?

Speaker 1 You pick a building and tell him Benenke sent you. Anyone who's there, you kick him out.
That's yours now. Wait, what is the wicked witch doing? We said that the wicked witch was going to be queen.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Like, look to the wicked witch to see what she's doing.
So the wicked witch licks her forefinger and thumb and then straightens out her eyebrows.

Speaker 1 And then sulturally, she can walk toward Ben Bernanke, strutting, and goes, Man, looks like you might need a queen to rule with you, Ben Bernanke. Oh, that's nice.
Always happy. And he goes.

Speaker 1 Wait, is Ben Bernanke married? He is married. He is married.
Famous.

Speaker 1 I am married to Anna Bernanke. Again, we are Banana Bernanke.
That's what people call us. That's really good.

Speaker 1 But I am in a different world, and I think it counts as not cheating if you're in a different world. So he gives her a look, and she's like, I'm melting.

Speaker 1 So he goes, yes, I will take you as my bride. And he falls in love with.
He's a flash cut to the wedding. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ice cream cake. They're being pulled along by munchkins tied up.
Oh, no. No, we cut to that just married on the carriage, and then it fucking takes off and then runs over a bunch of kids.

Speaker 1 Well, everybody. Wait, what did everybody suppose every sending? I had an option shot.
That was hackers do. I spend one hope to use my ability to get in and get out.

Speaker 1 Spend the hope to ask the GM for either a quick or inconspicuous way out of this wedding. The next role that I may capitalize on this has vanished.
So how am I getting out of here?

Speaker 1 Well, you have the keys to a room that you didn't enter on the very top of the castle, and you know that the keys will probably go to that door. So that would be...
I speak out and go for that key.

Speaker 1 I'm going to roll for that. A fucking 15.
Cool. Nobody cares if you leave the wedding.
It's not that kind of a wedding. And fucking Extreme Ways by Moby plays as I disappear into the crowds.

Speaker 1 And now, and now? Hacker X is loose on the streets of Oz. What crazy, crazy shit is he gonna get up to? Yeah.
Let's not say you go into that room. Never mind.

Speaker 1 Did Did you not go into the room or did you? No, he just disappeared in the ground. Like, Jason Barbara.
Leave. We all go.
I got what I want. I got what I want.

Speaker 1 Everybody loves my ice cream. What did yours?

Speaker 1 I have a new ice cream shop. It's still pint size.
You didn't really get to talk about it too much, but you know, it's all. Anyways, this is a nice ice cream shop.
And I run it now. I run it now.

Speaker 1 And everybody loves my ice cream.

Speaker 1 And you win. And

Speaker 1 you beat all your competitors because you don't have to do it. And he's had ice cream.
So fucking, for the first week, the first week this place opens up, it's like the end of perfume.

Speaker 1 Like people are just fucking going crazy. They've never seen my fucking baby

Speaker 1 ice cream before. And after that initial orgy is more calm, but that's all I ever wanted.
People coming over. Remember when we all fizzed it?

Speaker 1 So like the cow that I get the milk from is my wife.

Speaker 1 Why fuck the milk when you could fuck the milk for free? Oh,

Speaker 1 Tim Tipple is eating his ice cream made of Matt's wife.

Speaker 1 Matt's wife.

Speaker 1 He's eating this ice cream at the wedding and smiling and looking around. He's like, well, you know, it's been really fun being in Oz, but I have my life as a podcaster to get back to back home.

Speaker 1 So he sort of like tried in Oz and just didn't catch on. He just didn't catch on.
They already had a bunch of DT podcasts. They call them Ozcasts in Oz.

Speaker 1 And so he walks up the long, lonely stairs to that room at the top of the castle and he reaches into his pocket for the key. But it's not there.

Speaker 1 And his eyes go wide as he remembers Haxor at the wedding.

Speaker 1 Fucking patting him on the shoulder, but then secretly, like, he thought he was just giving him a friendly squeeze on the butt. But Haxor is actually stealing the keys for the for the flying machine.

Speaker 1 And Jim Timbles like, no, no, I'm stuck here. And he looks out to the fucking crowd and he sees fucking Haxor for like one second.

Speaker 1 And a fury rush. One second.
And then like a fucking, another carriage zooms by.

Speaker 1 Another carriage zooms by running over a bunch of kids, but I'm going to disappear. the Hacksword's gone.
And I go, no!

Speaker 1 And I swear that I'm going to track him down so I can get back to the United States and make content that everyone will love and respect me for again. Tim Tipple goes on the hunt.
What about Diane?

Speaker 1 Diana goes on to recover from her injuries and becomes a motivational speaker speaking in ASEAN schools about the benefit of killing your husband.

Speaker 1 She speaks to empowering young girls to become strong women. And she lives happily ever after.
And then she finds out that her husband actually was like a bad guy. Like he was like a really bad dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, sorry. Couldn't find a way to fit that into the story.
He did bad things. He was a multiple murderer.
He was like, he was like an actual serial killer.

Speaker 1 But like Diana doesn't care because she would have killed him anyway, even if he was innocent, even if he didn't do anything wrong because she didn't like the way he looked at her.

Speaker 1 That's Dagger Heart.

Speaker 1 Every game of Dagger Heart will be exactly like what you just heard. Fun.
Fun. Yeah, I think actually this is, in a lot of ways, Dagger.
I actually really like this system.

Speaker 1 It makes sense for the kind of role-playing we do. There's a lot of like, ah, fire, whatever, baked into the rules, which is kind of neat.

Speaker 1 And again, avoids my biggest problem with D ⁇ D combat, which is like immediately killing or dying because of the HP system. So yeah, this is be good fun with this market.

Speaker 1 It'd be weird for us to do season four in Dagger Heart Velvet and doing Dagger Heart Velvet. What a power move.
What a power move that would be, though.

Speaker 1 I thought that was really intuitive to pick up, like in terms of how they're.

Speaker 1 Even I could get it. Their tweets on the formula worked.
So yeah, no, I actually thought that was a lot of fun. Thanks so much for listening.

Speaker 1 Thank you to the crit roll team and Matt Mercer and all y'all for making Daggerheart and for you know tossing some skill at us for us to play it and tossing us without even trying three copies of the game.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we have a lot of copies of Dagger Heart now.

Speaker 1 That was Khan Oz, our critical role dagger heart collaboration. Daggerheart.
Pretty fun. Go to daggerheart.com to learn more and acquire your own copy of Dagger Heart.

Speaker 1 Get this show and all of our episodes ad-free on our Patreon at patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads, where five bucks a month gets you a ridiculous amount of stuff to listen to and watch.

Speaker 1 Patreon.com/slash dungeons and dads. Matt and I were doing an action comedy movie.
It's called Nail House. You can crowdfund it now, nailhouse.film.

Speaker 1 You also see a little proof of concept short we shot on the Rocket Jump YouTube channel.

Speaker 1 Con Oz is Matt Arnold as Candy Dufrayne, Anthony Birch is our GM, Will Campos as Tim Tipple, Beth May as Diana Ingram Eels, and I'm Freddie Wong playing HackerX.

Speaker 1 Anissa Omran is is our content producer, Ashley Nicola is our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Cindy Denton is our merch manager, Esther Ellis is our lead editor, Travis Reeves, Omar Romolino, and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing.

Speaker 1 Season three continues with a new episode Tuesday coming next week, November 4th. We'll see you then.

Speaker 1 The sheer power of your guilt transforms your body into what? Some cool, magical version of yourself. Oh, wow.
School bus.

Speaker 1 You are now the magic school bus.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.