S3 Ep. 37 - John He Be Good

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 only 10 more presents to wrap.

Speaker 2 You're almost at the finish line.

Speaker 1 But first,

Speaker 1 there, the last one.

Speaker 1 Enjoy a Coca-Cola for a pause that refreshes.

Speaker 1 Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Alienware. So, I got a question for all the gamers out there.
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Speaker 1 Dungeons and Dazz is is brought to you this week by eBay. On eBay, every find has a story.

Speaker 1 Like if you're looking for a vintage band tee, not just a tee, the band tee from the last show your favorite band ever played. You wore it everywhere.

Speaker 1 But then your ex started wearing it, which was cute, until they dumped you and took it with them, which was not so cute.

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Speaker 1 Hey folks, this is Freddie and Matt. We're making another movie.
No way. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 This one, a martial arts action comedy called Nail House about two brothers defending their family dumpling restaurant from an evil tech company who wants their land. We got fight scenes already done.

Speaker 1 You can watch it on YouTube and you can support our crowdfund now. But time is running out.
We've got all the usual things you might expect from a crowdfund. DVDs, Blu-rays, posters.

Speaker 1 Cool merch for the Mama Wong's dumpling shop, the dumpling shop in the movie.

Speaker 1 But specifically for you DD heads, here's what we got cooking up: dumpling dice, so-called inclusion dice dice with stuff in it.

Speaker 1 These are my favorite dice we've made because they got little dumplings in them. And here's the thing.
They don't just come in a normal little container.

Speaker 1 They come in one of those dumpling steamer baskets. It's very cute.
I love them. We're making those in conjunction with fan roll.

Speaker 1 And if you happen to be backing our Patreon, either the Daddy's Patreon or the Rocket Jump Patreon, we have a special exclusive tier only for you.

Speaker 1 It's cheaper. It's cheaper.
That's what special is.

Speaker 1 Find that and more on our crowdfund at nailhouse.film or just check the description of this episode for the links. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Speaker 3 We check, Rice checks, and Good Hot Ralston presents Space Patrol.

Speaker 3 High adventurer in the wild, vast beaches of.

Speaker 3 We interrupt our normal program to cooperate in civil and paranormal defense measures. This is an emergency radio alert.
Normal broadcasting will now be discontinued for an indefinite period.

Speaker 3 Stand by for further direction from the Peachyville Order of Bisons.

Speaker 1 Repeat.

Speaker 3 We interrupt our normal program to cooperate in civil and paranormal defense measures. This is an emergency radio alert.
Normal broadcasting will now be discontinued for an indefinite period.

Speaker 3 Stand by for further direction from the Peachyville Order of Bisons.

Speaker 4 All residents of Peachyville and Peachyville County, please be aware that for the next 10 minutes, this area will experience the incursion of a category 9 parapsychic entity.

Speaker 4 Please immediately suspend all spiritual and religious practices such as prayer, meditation, contemplation, incense burning, or ritual yoga. These may provoke an adverse reaction from the entity.

Speaker 4 Additionally, please store all sharp objects and hazardous chemicals where they cannot be easily accessed. Should you feel a strong urge to harm others or yourself over the next 10 minutes?

Speaker 4 You will see strange things that are not of this world.

Speaker 5 You will experience powerful emotions such as rage, lust, and joy. All of this is as it should be.
Do not resist the entity. Do not be afraid.
Lie down on the ground now.

Speaker 1 Breathe in.

Speaker 1 Breathe out.

Speaker 5 Listen to my voice and remember: it's gonna be alright.

Speaker 5 It's gonna be alright.

Speaker 1 It's gonna be alright.

Speaker 1 It's gonna be alright.

Speaker 1 It's gonna be alright.

Speaker 5 It's gonna be alright.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is season three.

Speaker 1 We call it the Peachyville Horror, a call of Cthulhu, actual play horror comedy podcast about three everyday schmos and a horse fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s america my name is freddie i'm a horse fighting the course of horses of course a horse is gonna be the force that fights my name is freddie wong i play blake lively in rare horse form this week blake's fun fact for this episode with the previous episode we reveal in the intro that we have finally settled on which nordic country blake is coming from yes north horse A Norse horse.

Speaker 1 And I just want to say in his head, for those of you trying to figure out what the horse looks like, I want you to Google Fjord horse. Oh, no, it's so cute.

Speaker 1 Fjord horse is the most unit of a horse you've ever seen. Relatively small, but very strong horse.
Can't afford a Fjord horse. Can't afford the Fjord horse to pull my head.
Look at this sweet boy.

Speaker 1 Look at this majestic hair.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a chop.

Speaker 1 Oh, Lord, he comes in so much. I found a picture of one with like a Karen haircut.
It's got like the bleach chop. Do you know how to describe it, but it's like the corgi of horses? Yes.

Speaker 1 Big body squat legs. This horse straight up has the can I speak to your manager chop right now.

Speaker 2 Dude, I can't believe these horses have like money pieces in their hair.

Speaker 1 They look good. The best part is that this horse is also the coat of arms of a municipality called the Gloppin Municipality.
It looks like it's glopping around. Anyway, that's the horse that Blake is.

Speaker 1 She glop on my Nord horse until I glop on my Njord horse until I... Fjord.
Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold. I play Kelsey Grammar, Peachyville's happiest, snappiest school marm.

Speaker 1 And you know what she always says? Brains grow best when they're given a test. So take out your pencils.
Brains grow best when they're given a test. Yeah, so take out your pencils.

Speaker 1 And a little fact about Kelsey.

Speaker 1 Wait, yeah, that's when you learn is when you're doing the test.

Speaker 2 When they're given a test, anything can be a test for your brain.

Speaker 1 So it sounds like somebody didn't study for their test. That's why I'm getting from Anthony.
I got straight A's, bitch. Well, did you get straight A's, Anthony? Yeah.
So it sounds like you learned.

Speaker 1 Why do you think I'm so anxious all the time? It sounds like someone went to a mediocre public school.

Speaker 1 I did because I was in Arizona. Sounds like somebody was given A's.

Speaker 2 I went to school in Arizona and I got bad grades. So I'm very grateful.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Hey, hey, we all wound up here doing the exact same thing.
Yeah, all of us had our college degrees rendered completely meaningless by the path we chose in life.

Speaker 1 Little fact about Kelsey is speaking of tests, you'll know when she's finally caught up on murder, murder, murder, because that's when she gives pop quizzes because she did not plan for the next day.

Speaker 1 She's just up on the ground.

Speaker 1 I see.

Speaker 1 Is anyone in the class? That's the secret all the time. All teachers know that pop quizzes are when the teacher's not prepared for the day.

Speaker 1 Is that true? I mean, probably some teachers. But you'd have to make the quiz.
You don't think they're fucking locked and loaded with a

Speaker 1 bar? It's like, shit, today just here, boom.

Speaker 1 I'll do this test. I mean, that was like when you saw them bring out the big TV cart and you're like, oh, fuck.
We're going to watch Magic School Bus while she grades papers.

Speaker 1 Oh, that felt so good. I've never felt that good as an idea.
Which by the way, they should, because teachers don't get paid for the work after school. That's it, dude.
That's crazy.

Speaker 1 They don't have to buy all that supplies in their classroom. Yeah, you know what Kelsey always says? Just pay teachers more.

Speaker 1 Pay teachers more money. Take all that money you're giving.

Speaker 1 Some people should be getting a $50,000 signing bonus that are now from the country. That's what I think.
That's what I think. That's what I think.

Speaker 1 I'm going to take the brave stance that teachers should. That's what I think.
That's right. Come at me, Internet.

Speaker 1 Hey, before I get to my dad fact, just so you know, if you want to hear more of the season one daddies, everybody on this podcast.

Speaker 1 Our guests on an episode of Gum Shoes and Dragons, my other podcast, and they're playing the season one dad's trying to solve a murder.

Speaker 1 So if you are interested in that, just find Gum Shoes and Dragons wherever you listen to podcasts. Thank you.

Speaker 1 I'm Anthony Birch, and I play Francis Farnsworth, an orphan, newly orphaned Francis Farnsworth. No, his dad's still alive, his dad's a big old fucking skin bag, dude.

Speaker 1 Dang, dude, dude, it's so bad, dude. You gotta be a bad single parent if your kid calls themselves an orphan.
Can you imagine being a single parent and you hear that?

Speaker 1 Your kids calling themselves an orphan? I'm telling you right now, if Dot saw you turn into a flesh sample, she'd be like, nah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a mom.
Got a mom.

Speaker 1 My Francis fact is that Francis is technically the first person to invent jackass. He called it silly goose.
And he would get a camera without sound, just an image camera. In the 50s.
In the 50s.

Speaker 1 Fucking eight millimeter. Yeah, eight millimeter.
And he would go up to like doorbells and like ring them and then say like, oops, wrong house. And then sort of walk away after they closed the door.

Speaker 1 He was fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 Also, one time he let a snake bite his dick for a joke.

Speaker 1 Wow, okay.

Speaker 1 It's a real range of pranks on Silly Goose. Silly goose was the original faces of death.

Speaker 1 Silly shit. Dude, my friend's got a bootleg of silly goose in his basement.

Speaker 2 Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, a homemaker mother of one beautiful child and a head and a robot head.

Speaker 2 Fun fact about Trudy is that back in the day when she was in a nuclear family, instead of the swear jar, she would have, you know, Tucker and the kids put in money in a bowl and what she called the syntax.

Speaker 2 So, but sometimes,

Speaker 2 but sometimes Tucker didn't put in the right amount of money for if he had cursed a lot, and so that is what we call a syntax error.

Speaker 1 Ah,

Speaker 1 all right, sure, okay. We gotta fucking end this show soon.

Speaker 2 I know, I know, because you're right,

Speaker 1 it's a hundred percent bangers. I don't want to break that break.
No, it's not a hundred percent bangers, absolutely is. No, no, there's been a few, like you specifically you, Anthony.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 really? Yeah. Yeah, there's been a couple that we were like, ah, never mind.
Keep the show going. Hi, everyone.
I'm Will Campos. I'm these people's commander-in-chief.

Speaker 1 I'm the boss of the podcast.

Speaker 1 I'm not my president. Not my president.
No kings. No DMs.
I'm the daddy master of this season. I tell the story that they derail.

Speaker 1 We're hurtling into the finale. As you guys are all reading your facts, I freaked out because I was like, I didn't think of a fact at all.
So I just googled creepy facts about hands

Speaker 1 and then this came up i'm like how creepy could this be this is from reddit slash shower thoughts but this one kind of struck me dumb hands are weird because it's just your arms that branch out into five smaller arms

Speaker 1 oh god damn it

Speaker 1 that's

Speaker 1 isn't that kind of weird yeah it's like a fractal it's like just five arms growing out of your arm but they're little arms your fingers don't look like arms they kind of do though they do they do they look like arms that don't have hands.

Speaker 1 Man, yeah. They even have an elbow.
They have two elbows. Yeah, that's why I said that.
That's why they don't have two elbows. They have a shoulder and an elbow.
Oh, my God. They do.

Speaker 2 I thought you were saying creepy facts about hands.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. No, I was saying creepy facts about hands.

Speaker 1 Creepy facts about ants for next time. Nice.

Speaker 2 I'm excited.

Speaker 1 I'm assuming you guys don't end the whole season right now because we're entering finale zone. You've entered the finale zone.

Speaker 1 Which could look, it could be a couple more episodes, but you'll know if there's like a part one at the beginning of this thing, you know, or something like that. But let's do it.
Let's get into it.

Speaker 1 When last we left our cadre of heroes, you had said goodbye to your child NPCs

Speaker 1 with lingering plot threads of plenty. Who knows how Timmy's really going to react to Francis having claimed to kill his good robot defective dad?

Speaker 1 And who knows if BB will finally get to the bottom of the answer for Shane Silva of who shot his leg off and who killed his dad? And who knows what the consequences of those things may be?

Speaker 1 We're not dealing with that right now. I've really put myself in a fucking corner.
None of us are coming out of this alive. Dang, yeah, I'm fine with that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so all of you then saddled up on Blake Lively, who's a horse now, and with a big old bag of mangled Trudy bodies that contain explosives in them. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Look like a fucked-up, weird reindeer riding sand. Okay, how many explosives do we have and how much damage do they do? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's one stick of dynamite each, I believe. We decided.

Speaker 1 I think you took like five bodies. So I can say

Speaker 1 five sticks of dynamite. Five sticks of dynamite.

Speaker 1 With five sticks of dynamite, and the three of you and a horse against the world, you rode off into the night towards, I presume, the Project Heartland bunker where John is waiting.

Speaker 1 John says he has a third way. I say this one last time.
AAA open world, do whatever you want. Triple A Open World, have we hit the point where the character says, you better make sure you go and save?

Speaker 1 You're at your, to quote Cyberpunk 2077, you're at your Meat Hanukkah at Envers. We're at Meat Hanuko at Envers?

Speaker 1 Yes, you've ticked off all the other missions. This is your last mission on the mini-map.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, I spend a couple of days going around killing every bison that's like slightly stronger than other bison and grabbing the fucking radio off of their body and reading about what made them crazy and fucking...

Speaker 1 I mean, can we get guns? Ah, we can go to

Speaker 1 you said open world.

Speaker 1 We can go to the remains of my house. I have an underground gun bunker.
That was established. They could talk.
Yeah. And he's

Speaker 1 also talk. Yeah.
It was established when he talked.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you won't be able to use guns. Well, you can change back, right? Yeah, but he's still scared of guns.
All of us can use guns, and he can use like an axe. Right, right, right.

Speaker 1 I will use my horse hooves. That's true.
Are you just gonna be a horse forever now? Due to the fact that, according to the rules, I'm reading here, the spell I've cast. Body warping of Gorgoroth.

Speaker 1 Gorgoroth effect is permanent until the spell is recast to change back again.

Speaker 1 To recast it, I have to do the same thing in terms of like 1d6 plus four minutes, expending six magic points, it costs 2d6 sandy points and 1. Pow, I am out of magic points.

Speaker 1 So, unless there's a rest in my near future, or is there a ticking clock?

Speaker 1 I guess, oh, yeah, there is. Yes,

Speaker 1 that's how I know I've done a good job this season establishing the state.

Speaker 1 Are we in danger? How long, though, at this point? You'll get a clearer answer to that question coming up soon. But I think that, yes, you guys are.

Speaker 1 Were we told, like, while we were told the world was going to end in two days, like two days ago. So, like, in two days, like two days ago.

Speaker 1 Look, you guys are going to need all the fucking help you can get in this fucking finale.

Speaker 1 Without getting into the weeds on what the specific timeline is, as the DM, I will say you have enough time to go to Blake's bunker if you would like to go to Blake's bunker. I don't want to do that.

Speaker 1 Let's do that.

Speaker 1 So we clomp over. On the way to Blake's bunker,

Speaker 1 you notice that the town, which had previously been chaka-blocked with, like, patrols and fucking bad guys, like, going around, rooting stuff, and very quiet. has settled over the town of Peachyville.

Speaker 1 There's people you can tell hiding in their houses and hunkered down, but the bisons, almost more unnervingly than them being out in force, seem to have withdrawn.

Speaker 1 And you get a real like calm before the storm vibe through the town. Like the temperature seems to have dropped.
There's a chill in the air as you clippity clop through town.

Speaker 1 The clippity claps of the hooves of Blake Lively are the only thing you hear. I was about to say, I don't feel like it's silent.

Speaker 1 I feel like we hear the wind through our hair and the cloughing of our skin. Oh, yeah, no, see, there's a malevolent cloud that's beginning to gather in the sky above the center of town.

Speaker 1 And you're like, I don't like the look of that cloud. It's almost like an opposite of a rainbow, like a dark rainbow.
What? Like, kind of like a rain cloud?

Speaker 1 No, but like the colors are weird and fucked up.

Speaker 1 But the rainbow already has all the colors. Exactly.

Speaker 1 But they're in a different order. It wasn't like sanity low.
What's that spooky color in Cthulhu? There's that spooky spirit out of space. The colour of space.
Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 There's strange colors in the sky. I thought that they tried to make a movie out of that.
And it's like, oh, it turns out the color out of space is purple. A little purple, actually.

Speaker 1 That color of that rainbow is so scary, I can't describe it.

Speaker 1 Ah!

Speaker 1 So, yes, 16 Lovecrafts did you just for the ultimate out anytime you didn't feel like describing it? The vibes are deteriorating quickly.

Speaker 1 Possible reason to get to the bunker. Yeah, so you clippity clop, clippity clop.
Now, Blake, we arrive once more at the ruined embers, the still smoldering embers of Lively Manor.

Speaker 1 We said it was underground, so I just clomp over to like the ruins. I'm going into the ruins, and I was like, here is the door.
And there's just like a metal door.

Speaker 2 It must be hard to come back to this, Blake, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Easy come, easy go. Oh, as we're walking past the corpse of Amber, Kelsey starts just picking up all the guns from all the dead people during the big gunfight that we had there.

Speaker 1 We don't even need it all. Oh, I will say, no, this was a crime scene.
All the evidence from the surface has been stripped clean. Oh, it's nice that the police are still working.

Speaker 1 And this was long enough ago that, like, Kelsey, you see a big bloodstain on the ground from where you killed Big Chain Silva. I cannot go into my vault bunker because it is full of

Speaker 1 guns.

Speaker 1 It's also not big enough for a horse to go down.

Speaker 1 Can you tell us how to get in there? Yes. Press the number pad.
Okay. I just pressed it.

Speaker 1 You just palm flat against it, press the whole thing. Access, granted.

Speaker 1 The whole number pad pushes in.

Speaker 1 It's just an elaborate. It's an elaborate like thing.

Speaker 1 Freddie, is this like in the ground, like a lost bunker situation? Like, where is the... He described it.
It's the number pad.

Speaker 1 What, well, where's the door?

Speaker 1 it's in the ground okay yeah all right so that was like a lost hatch yeah it was like a lost hatch there was a bookshelf over it and i go and i kick the bookshelf out of the way now there's a hatch under it okay sick the door pops and then you like burn a few books but there's no purpose behind it you're just like kind of like a little messed up

Speaker 1 just disgusting warmth of flames freddie i'm gonna toss you the keys you are now for as long as they are down there you are the dm of this section where they enter blake's bunker all right and don't do the thing where you're like oh i'm gonna

Speaker 1 I'm trusting you. You'd be like a damn.
You're on my team now. This is like in Little League.
I remember one time in Little League, like the other team, like not all their kids showed up.

Speaker 1 So I, because I was the worst kid on my team, had to go play right field for them. So like, I switched teams for one game.

Speaker 1 And then you intentionally sabotage them to help your team because you have loyalty. No one on my team clearly thought I was going to fuck them over.
And I'm like, no, I'm on the enemy team.

Speaker 1 Like, game on. I got like a fucking double play.
I was like, welcome to hell. I had to do the cap for our little league team.
You're now on my team. So who's entering? Who pressed the button?

Speaker 1 Well, all of us are going in. No, Nick is seeing the outside because he's afraid of guns.
Yeah, yes. So, you go in, and as you trudy, wait, Trudy, are you now they're now they're doing their stack?

Speaker 1 You know, you got them nervous when they're now they're stacked up. Trudy, wait, I just wanted to clarify: is one of us holding you? Do you have like spider legs or something? I'm talking about it.

Speaker 1 Can you hold me? Okay, I hold her out kind of like a lantern, okay? Okay, out in front. Oh, yeah, your eyes are glowing, and then before you, a long, dark corridor, and then

Speaker 1 one by one.

Speaker 1 Sorry, that's me.

Speaker 1 I ate dairy, I shouldn't have. One by one, lanterns,

Speaker 1 light the way down a long corridor. You did mention that.

Speaker 1 And on both sides.

Speaker 1 Echo, echo, echo. And on both sides.
Every weapon you can imagine through time and momentum. The corridor.

Speaker 1 You have a lightsaber.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 No, no. Realistic.
You can't imagine going a lightsaber in the 50s. Somebody did, though.
Yeah, George Lucas did. Not in the 50s.

Speaker 1 Do you think baby six-year-old George Lucas in the 50s wasn't like, all right, Brett, there'd be a cool laser sword. Wouldn't that be fun? Francis, calm down.
What?

Speaker 1 I just had a great idea for the screenplay. This is the same corridor.
Nobody puts the best stuff in the corridor. You're right.

Speaker 1 This has got to be the second best group of weapons.

Speaker 1 We got to keep going. And indeed,

Speaker 1 we keep walking slowly as we pass all these weapons.

Speaker 1 And then as you pass pass these silhouettes of war tools on either side, you see down the end of the corridor, the lights have lit up another door and another keypad. Wait, one second, everybody.

Speaker 1 I kind of run back through the corridor and I go, Blake, what's at the other end of this room? Ah, that is my better weapons. Okay, great.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, it is a little bit of a puzzle, actually. Oh, how do you solve it? Ah, well.
Blake, give me an education role.

Speaker 1 Wait, I thought I was a DM. I said you were the DM inside.
Blake is outside.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 This is like when a cop tells you he's not recording the conversation. Education roll.
I'm a 28, so this is gonna be a tough one for me to fucking fix. 90.

Speaker 1 If you were in human form, maybe you could remember it, but I don't remember. You will have to use the environmental clues that I put for myself in the corridor.

Speaker 1 Somebody put on the wall with ink, it just says one, two, three, four.

Speaker 1 Is that the puzzle? Worth a shot. One, two, three, four.

Speaker 1 Four, three, two, one.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Okay, we enter.

Speaker 1 Video games are easy, dude. And you enter it, and then the room is all dark.

Speaker 1 Trudy, what do you see?

Speaker 2 I see, oh my gosh, is that a gun with wheels?

Speaker 1 Trudy detects

Speaker 1 Trudy detects, a quote, gun with wheels somewhere in this large, cavernous room, but it's still dark. Trudy, you're the only one who can see it.

Speaker 2 Well, Kelsey, I see a bunch of guns.

Speaker 1 do you see a like a sword made out of light potentially well no because it's so dark in here that's true

Speaker 1 do you see something that looks like it might be a flashlight that if activated might potentially create a sword made of light oh my god is there a light i turn on the light switch

Speaker 1 the lights turn on in this room revealing before you rows upon rows of guns with wheels. Some of them are small, but some of them are big.
Wait, are the guns big or are the wheels big?

Speaker 1 All the combinations. You can imagine that.
Like a small gun bicycle of a gun.

Speaker 1 Huge guns, small wheels.

Speaker 2 Kelsey, why don't you put me on small gun, big wheels, and I'll take it high.

Speaker 1 I find the gun with the most stable wheel combination that's perfect for a Trudy's head. And in the corner of the room, Kelsey, you see...

Speaker 1 A gun with three wheels, the stablest combination of wheels you can have.

Speaker 1 The triangle is the strongest in nature. I walked down the aisle with Trudy and I said, Trudy, you just tell me which one you want.

Speaker 2 That one.

Speaker 1 I put her on that one. And what is that one, Trudy?

Speaker 2 It's like nothing you've ever seen before.

Speaker 1 It defies explanation.

Speaker 2 It defies description. Three wheels that are built for both the perfectly smooth porcelain tub floor and also off-roading.
How does it do it? We don't know. It's like a technology.

Speaker 1 Well, it's like three separate shocks.

Speaker 2 Like the wheels can move up and down like it's and then the gun itself how big is it the gun is like medium size medium size big enough that you could like pull the trigger with your tongue or something the way the trigger mechanism works i don't know how blake could have thought about this but it's like a wire into my neck can

Speaker 1 all of this

Speaker 2 can wrap around the trigger and by blinking i can shoot

Speaker 1 okay so we don't want to load it until we're absolutely sure

Speaker 1 before i lock you in before i lock you in let's do a little staring contest. How long can you go without blinking?

Speaker 2 This is the highest stakes staring contest I've ever done.

Speaker 1 You blinked.

Speaker 2 It's hard to talk and staring.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but we're going to be talking while we're walking.

Speaker 1 We can put the safety on until it's time for you to blink and shoot. Yeah, do we blindfold you like Cyclops? Blindfolds don't stop you from blinking.
Well, they keep your eyes.

Speaker 1 The safety of this mechanism does, since the trigger is tied to your muscles for blinking blinking somehow. Some weird piece of alien tech.

Speaker 1 I do want to bolt down a little bit more what sort of wheel gun thing

Speaker 1 Trudy is writing because I don't think it's entirely clear. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 I think we all have a pretty

Speaker 1 wheel

Speaker 1 with a gun on it and her heads on top of the gun. So imagine like the War of the Worlds tripods, but it's wheels on the end.
And it's a Bren gun, which gives you 2d6 plus 4 damage.

Speaker 1 I'm just curious, why did Blake build this? Blake and Ambrose were war dogs, dude. And so you take the war out of the war, but you can't take the war out of the war dogs.
So

Speaker 1 this was the early version of crypto. You were like, hey, guns aren't so hot now because World War II just ended, but you know war is coming back.
Yeah, war is coming back. By low.
Bilo.

Speaker 1 You got to buy as many guns as possible. You bought every gun you possibly can.
Yeah. And you write itself.

Speaker 1 And they were just experimenting with like, maybe there's a new platform that we can use. Most of these experiments, by the way, to be clear, aren't very good.

Speaker 1 hence the insane mismatches of wheels and gun sizes. But they were trying to get like

Speaker 1 a mobile gun-firing platform capable of shooting on any terrain. Metal gear, if you will.
Why did it have a wire that you controlled by jamming into a robot's head? Lucky, I guess.

Speaker 1 I don't accept that as an answer. You're going to have to do better.
I know what it is. Okay.
So the wire was meant to hook up to an electric button, basically.

Speaker 1 They just put a little jolt and that would cause it to fire. Remote shooting.
For shooting. Yeah, for remote shooting.

Speaker 1 And because Trudy is a robot, when she blinks, there's a slight amount of static electricity just enough to activate the circuit.

Speaker 1 I think you can balance this by saying that because it's remotely triggered for firing using an electrical firing mechanism, there's only a limited number of ammo, like a very small amount of specialized bullets they built to try and figure this out.

Speaker 1 There is a button that electronically fires this gun on wheels for some reason. It's a test.

Speaker 1 They were testing things, dude.

Speaker 1 Fuck. You can get away with a lot by saying it was a test.
Fuck, they were just testing things, Will.

Speaker 1 Just two guys after the war trying to work out all of their trauma in the basement of his $100 million mansion testing things, man.

Speaker 1 If you guys went one more room down, you would have gotten the firing range from Call of Duty.

Speaker 1 If you stick the button in Trudy's mouth, she can bite it and fire it. How about that? Yeah, okay.
Okay, yes. Although, I guess that obviates the blinking thing.

Speaker 1 So we'll say there's a wire on the end of it, and you stick it in her mouth, and when she blinks while it's in her mouth. See if I blink twice.
If you blink twice, it fires purposely. Okay, sick.

Speaker 1 Well, there you go. In quick succession, not just every second time you blink it fire.
Every second blink. I mean, this is Mookie.

Speaker 1 She can spit the wire out, and then she's now gonna be able to fire the gun. That's my point.

Speaker 1 Francis, on the other side of the room, you see not a lightsaber, but you do see swords with flashlights on them. Oh, hell yeah! This is exactly what I wanted.

Speaker 1 You see, the lightsaber is from Rubble Moon.

Speaker 1 There's regular blades and swords and Svei Handers and shit, but Blake has appeared to like been experimenting with tactical weapons, maybe as part of his explorations with Amberster.

Speaker 1 They've taped and like attached like lights. This one has a scope on it, I guess, for stabbing people at long distance.
Some of these, clearly, there's like notes on them.

Speaker 1 You see on the side, like there's an audio log in the corner.

Speaker 7 Trying to put a scope on sword Amberster. Test number

Speaker 7 23. Yes, proceeding as requested.
Now stab Amberster.

Speaker 7 Now Amberster, were you able to stab the thing far away?

Speaker 7 Only into the end of the blade, sir. As I pointed out when we put the scope on

Speaker 7 the failed test. Next test, we'll try maybe a shorter scope.

Speaker 1 Are there any guns without wheels here? Yes. And yeah, look around for any sort of like, I don't know, cool closet or

Speaker 1 cool closet. Or like case that has like Ambersters? Like Amberster's special stash.
Oh, there he was like.

Speaker 1 And that was like one special room of guns, not enough. Two, also not enough.
Amberster was the real gunsmith, you know. So, like, what was he

Speaker 1 doing? I never had

Speaker 1 a good. This is good.
This is good. This is good.
There's a portrait of Amberster.

Speaker 1 And, like, his mouth is open, and there's clearly like the key that goes in his mouth to open something behind the portrait. I kissed the portrait.

Speaker 1 Well done, sir.

Speaker 1 You slide your tongue into the keyhole. I didn't say that.
I said I I kissed it. I'd already done it.
It doesn't open. I stick my tongue through the keyhole.

Speaker 1 Well done, sir. And then this portrait of Amberster pops open and you see.

Speaker 1 It's like a tasteful nude.

Speaker 1 You see, like, inside is a bunch of like Amberster's mementos from the war. And like, there's like a little wind-up ballerina.
And you're like, what is that about?

Speaker 1 Like, that's probably something sad there. And it plays the most pendant.

Speaker 1 There's like a pendant, and like when you open the locket, there's like an old picture of like his best gal from who knows when. Oh, he's straight.
Kelsey's exactly anything that looks valuable.

Speaker 1 Yes, Kelsey, you are learning. I'm just looking for the guns.
There is a big tome.

Speaker 1 It says the art of gun kata.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. And then as you look through it.
Handwritten, dude. Handwritten.
It's like an illuminated.

Speaker 1 The opening page says, like, my dear boy, Blake, if in some world I die before I can pass on this knowledge to you, I know that you will come down here in your grief and and give my portrait a tender smooch.

Speaker 1 And in that moment, you shall see this book. And perhaps there's a way for the knowledge to be passed on yet still.
And it's just an encyclopedia of guns.

Speaker 1 Like, wow!

Speaker 1 No, it's the secret art of gun kata. And if someone studies it.
It's a little roll education. I want to learn as much as I can in this time period as possible.

Speaker 1 Dude, if you add this to your encyclopedia. This is library use, right? Okay,

Speaker 1 how long do you want to spend reading it, Matt? matt hey guys there's a book about guns in here how long do you think i can oh as long as it takes to absorb that information unless you realize

Speaker 1 i mean how do you grade outside the sun you can hear the cacophonous rumble of thunder from the strange cloud gathering above you and it sounds at once both natural and animal i want to use library use to efficiently look at the table of contents because i don't need to learn everything about guns.

Speaker 1 Is there a pair of guns here? I think Amberster had like... Are they the fix-off guns?

Speaker 1 Like, can I just get two gold guns, please? If you get to life save or the flashlight, you can make it less cool, but I want two guns. All right, sure, there's two guns in there.

Speaker 1 I grabbed them and I look in the table of cunts and old revolvers.

Speaker 1 I just, again, when Freddy was learning boxing, he wasn't going to learn all of boxing, just like specify like you read the forward and the afterward. Yeah, no, I'm not like a set of moves.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm looking at like table of cunts, not one gun. I'm just going with what I got.
Two guns.

Speaker 1 The whole first half of the book is one.

Speaker 1 I don't care about defense. I don't care about, you know, siege craft.
I just care about running through a hallway, shooting as many guys as possible. I just want to read that part of the book.

Speaker 1 I don't need to learn everything. I just need to learn what I need right now.

Speaker 1 So, and I'm

Speaker 1 hilariously ever so tight with the 9-11 hijackers. We're like, we just need to learn how to fly.
We don't need to learn how to take off our land.

Speaker 1 Since it's no longer talking about hallway fights, that chapter is old boy.

Speaker 1 So that's what I wanted to do.

Speaker 1 So I want to spend 20 minutes

Speaker 1 enough to read a chapter of a book. The most fruitful chapter.

Speaker 1 And I want to use my library use to get to that most fruitful chapter and then absorb it as well as possible.

Speaker 1 Roll, roll library. Without Freddy was DM.
Roll library.

Speaker 1 46. I mean, it's a super success because my library is 75.
Oh, he knows it's a normal success. Normal success.
You pick up the basics. You can't.
Well, hold on.

Speaker 1 I feel like Amberster is an NPC of my creation. Oh, fair, fair.
As a player in your game,

Speaker 1 I would get to determine what Amberster's books is. Okay, yeah, go for it.
Okay. Also, a success is a success.
Freddy. Don't look at me.
Will's taking over. I'm not taking over.

Speaker 1 I asked the DM if I could do this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, go for it. I didn't hear a question in there.
So yes, you get to chapter 75, running down a hallway and doing cool flips with two guns. Fuck yes.

Speaker 1 And it says, Congratulations, Blake, if you've made it this far and you've painstakingly mastered

Speaker 1 every step that has come to this, then you are ready for the knowledge. When you run down a hallway, perform the sweeping Zephyr spin and then...

Speaker 1 pirouette using the magician's technique and then fire the guns in the calypso way. And you too shall master the art of running through a hallway and firing two guns at the same time.

Speaker 1 The coolest move in our entire life. Zephyr spin.
What was the second one? Let me just roll back here real quick. What was it?

Speaker 2 The Calypso way.

Speaker 1 No, the Calypso way is the third one. Okay.

Speaker 1 The magician's technique. The magician's technology.
Yes, the magician's technique. Just check the index.
You can go right straight to those pages. Okay.

Speaker 1 Good job. Those three, that's pretty good.
That's going to be enough for what we have going. It's probably going to be one or two.
I mean, three, that's three.

Speaker 1 If we go through three hallways, I can still surprise them. Oh, those guys are going to be like, oh, he's going to do this for spin again.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
What are you doing there?

Speaker 1 Okay, what are you doing? Maybe I learned how to do the things you just said. That's what I was rolling for.
I don't know what you're rolling. You're not even saying anything.
No, I rolled library

Speaker 1 in order to learn. No, hold on.
You rolled library house in order to find the chapter. No, we didn't.
So that does not require a role. Yeah, no, the idea was that in 20 minutes.

Speaker 1 You're trying to pick up some knowledge. Yeah, but you can do multiple roles.

Speaker 1 I was saying in 20 minutes, to go quickly, I feel like the whole role is about like, do I succeed in getting to a chapter that's going to be what I want to do later, which is fighting in a hallway?

Speaker 1 And then, can I absorb that information? Because Kelsey knows how to read. Okay.
So I'm just like, yeah, do I. So I got to that.
I think he gets a little. He gets a little.
All right.

Speaker 1 I'll defer to the DM on this.

Speaker 1 I don't know what else. I mean, I can roll some

Speaker 1 content.

Speaker 1 I think I got a one. There.
I rolled again. I get a one now.
Okay. Listen, listen.
Listen. So I got a one.
What is the actual reading of that?

Speaker 1 Point of order.

Speaker 1 What is your firearms hand? Hold on, hold on. My firearms is 25.
Double it. Thank you.

Speaker 1 done so has ruled the dm so does shall be only to balance it only when i'm in a hallway with double guns yeah yeah in a hallway with two gun scenario your firearms now is double that's a backseat dm freddie but i do kind of feel like you rolled a one he could have he could have been doing he could have been doing library use is also the same as your education so like i would roll no or whatever okay so you have now amateur's guns yes okay so

Speaker 1 all the smallest guns you have the smallest guns I have. There's a dresser drawer, and if you pull it open, everyone's I can fit in my pocket.
It's all like Derringers, like little tiny Derringers.

Speaker 1 I go, Francis, hold on to as many as these. Like, get the ones you want for sure.
This looks like the bucket at fucking Chuck E. Cheese, where they take, like, the whistles and the

Speaker 1 jawbreakers out of it. It's like when you go to Target or whatever, it's like that first owl, it's just like dollar things.
It's like, oh, I guess like travel deodorant for a dollar. I'll take these.

Speaker 1 Let's set a number on how many Derringers are in the pockets. How many Derringers could fit? And well, Kelsey's got like a big dress on, right? With like poops.
Famously with no pockets.

Speaker 1 No, with lots of pockets. Oh, with lots of pockets.
Or naughty pockets. Yeah, but their naughty pockets are all full.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 I can't possibly fully. I do not.

Speaker 1 I take

Speaker 1 stuff out of my pockets and put the guns into my now

Speaker 1 empty pockets. All right.
But I don't want to, Matt.

Speaker 1 No more things to drop. Okay, yes.
All right. There are no more.
Oh, I have a slingshot in my naughty pocket or whatever, right? Nope, there's no

Speaker 1 pockets. It's just guns, okay.
Matt, roll two D10s for me. Eight, okay, six, four, you have uh 14 Derringers, uh, seven in each pocket, I guess.

Speaker 1 How many bulls do Derringers have? One each. Just the one shot, the one shot.
One shot. Okay, are they what? Some Derringers are two-shot, aren't they?

Speaker 1 They're all one-shot together. Okay, so I mean, if you would like to give him 28 shots instead of 14.
14.

Speaker 1 And I also have two normal, whatever the face-off. Okay, so you have two six shooters, because Freddie said they were revolvers.
You have two six shooters, and you have 14 Derringers.

Speaker 1 The Derringers are loaded, right? Yes. And they're just bouncing around in your pockets.
Yes. Interesting.

Speaker 2 What does that mean? It just means, I don't know why.

Speaker 1 She's going to fall and then immediately die.

Speaker 1 We will say if you want to

Speaker 1 go off, what would be the safe thing to do with a Derringer, Freddie?

Speaker 1 Set it down and not even look at it. There are no safeties on Derringers, by the way.
Just cool.

Speaker 1 Okay, so I will say that if you take a bad fall, we're going to do some luck with it. No, no, just say this.
Just say this. You have to cock the hammer.
You have to cock it,

Speaker 1 yeah. But there's still fucking 14.

Speaker 1 There's a chain of the rifle.

Speaker 1 Like, yeah, the hammer gets caught on the ground.

Speaker 1 So we're just going to say, oh, we're going to say, I'm not going to make it so they'll go off while you're walking around. But if something rowdy happens, you might have to do a lock roll.

Speaker 1 I also got the locket because I'm going to put the locket around the horse's neck. Okay.
Beth, you're sitting on a

Speaker 1 tripod gun. A Bren gun.

Speaker 2 Bren gun.

Speaker 1 But you have limited ammunition, I think, is fair with this auto-firing technique. Would you say that's that's your favorite? I think that's fair.

Speaker 1 I think you have eight bullets. Isn't it a rail gun like a machine gun? Yeah, yeah, but they only made so many electrically fired, you know, whatever.

Speaker 1 Ah, see, it's like a magnetically powered railgun, which means it can launch stuff at a distance, but it gets around all sorts of national conventions and treaties. You've nailed it.

Speaker 2 I would also like to establish while we're in the kind of, you know, gathering phase of the hunting and gathering,

Speaker 2 that Trudy is going to ask one of her companions to tie a string around her tongue with a loop at the end.

Speaker 2 You might be listening or like looking at me right now, being like, Well, that doesn't make any sense. Why would anybody do that? And I think it will come in handy.

Speaker 2 I think, you know, if I needed to like a tongue lasso? A tongue lasso, exactly.

Speaker 1 Second season,

Speaker 1 that's awful.

Speaker 1 Tongue lasso.

Speaker 2 But yeah, if I need to move somewhere or like,

Speaker 2 you know, like,

Speaker 1 Yeah, like open a door so you're one step away from an indie games

Speaker 1 on NextFact

Speaker 1 robot head who's got a tongue

Speaker 1 If we dyed your hair blonde and you talked about how gay you were then it would be a fucking multi-million dollar seller. All right, sure.
Yeah, I tie a tongue lasso for so what is it?

Speaker 1 So is it like a fishing line? Yeah, fishing line is perfect.

Speaker 2 And then like what?

Speaker 1 Like a fish hook? Like what do you want for the end of it to grab stuff with? A loop. It's just a loop.
Oh, wow. Okay.
So you you got it. All right.

Speaker 1 It's going to depend, but it's going to be a very tough dexterity roll to be able to do it.

Speaker 2 I know, but I think, you know, if I'm in a tough spot, I think it will come in handy.

Speaker 1 You got a tongue lasso. Okay.
All right. You now have a tongue lasso on your tongue.
I feel like it would affect your speech a little bit to have a tongue lasso on, but I'll think about that.

Speaker 1 And then you, Francis, you find what? What kind of sword are you looking for, bro? I think a sword with a flashlight on it is more than just anything. But no, but come on, come on.

Speaker 1 There's many different types of swords. Well, as much as I hate to admit it, given that they were recently our enemies.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Which way is he going to go on this?

Speaker 1 All right. The sword of a true warrior.
You get a Hanza steel katana

Speaker 1 with a U.S. military flashlight duct tape to the back.

Speaker 1 Early prototype. They'll never see me coming.
Unless I have the flashlight on. We should probably grab a weapon for Blake.
assuming he becomes

Speaker 1 a human again.

Speaker 2 He doesn't like guns anymore, so maybe we should find him a sword as well. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me go to the horse sword section, and then you get a big gold sword for me. Okay, that's great.
I think that's it. Okay.
We learned a lot about Blake in here. I don't think we did.
All right.

Speaker 1 We roll back through the corridor of guns out there to the big room of guns.

Speaker 2 Kelsey, if we learn so much about Blake, well, you know, I don't feel like I know that much about horse Blake. I feel like he's left something behind in becoming a horse.

Speaker 2 And I just want to get to know him better, like his current state. Because because it might be permanent.

Speaker 1 Well, if it's permanent, we will make sure he's got a nice home and we'll take care of him. We can get to know him on the way to Project Heartland.
Yeah. Saddle up, Compachos.

Speaker 1 Oh, same old Blake. Same old Blake.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 1 It is the same old Blake. I hop on Blake as a campacho on Blake.
And then we kind of tie Trudy to the back when a horse is carrying.

Speaker 2 I'll just ride my gun.

Speaker 1 Well, does it have engines? Well, no, I can drag you through the street. Yeah, kind of like, you know, when horses

Speaker 1 dragged little cairns.

Speaker 1 I'm not crazy.

Speaker 1 Horses, drag guns. You probably did.
Horses, drag guns. That's a war.
Or tracks.

Speaker 1 Tracks, man. Yeah.
Yeah. Look at that.
There's so many horses dragging, so many guns in war. There's a whole movie by Spielberg about it.
As we amble off, I go into a reverent monologue.

Speaker 1 Yes, this property was once mine, and this building was once my home. But

Speaker 2 come easy go.

Speaker 1 It's true, because if you look over there, Trudy, you can see the servants' quarters is still standing, and I'll just be simply moving in there when we're done.

Speaker 1 The servants' quarter explodes as you walk away. Ah, well, easy cuff, easy.

Speaker 1 Oh, look, the servants' quarter, servants' quarters. Yes, those just aren't very nice.
You wouldn't want to live there.

Speaker 1 Great, you're all tooled up. You've all got your guns.
Now, we are going to meet Hanukkah at Embers.

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Speaker 1 Okay, so you ride off towards the bunker at the edge of town.

Speaker 1 Cliff clapping through the eerie streets as this menacing cloud in the sky grows more and more menacing and more and more imminent feeling by the moment.

Speaker 1 If you guys remember, remember, there's the bunker.

Speaker 1 Inside the bunker was like the stairs down to like the underground Project Heartland area where you found the Project Heartland Operations Center, which is where you met Arlo and where the keys were and everything.

Speaker 1 So you ride up the hill, you see before you this bunker. And again, it's quiet, maybe too quiet as you approach.
Front doors closed. Front doors closed.
Okay. Can we see an obvious means of ingress?

Speaker 1 Like, is there a big door? It's all scorched up because like remember, like there are flamethrower guys burning the shit out of everything the last time you were here.

Speaker 1 Like there's the debris from chaos and carnage that is kind of spilled outside. But, yes, there's the big door in front.
I feel like it's important just to clarify: does Trudy roll on her own?

Speaker 1 Doesn't seem like anyone set that up, so no. You guys didn't establish that there's any way of propelling this thing right now.
There is not.

Speaker 1 Maybe we'll find something or someone in Project Heartland that can help you out with that. Trudy, do you mind if I'm just going to use you like a scooter? That's totally fine.
We're just together.

Speaker 1 You're driving. You tell me where to go, and I'll just scoot along.
Okay, let's go straight.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna roll up to the bunker door. Okay, just before we go in, what are we all to agree on basic strategy? We're gonna get in there, run straight down a hallway with two guys.

Speaker 1 I know, as long as I got this hallway with crazy, I gotta tell you, I've got one thing I can do now.

Speaker 1 So, as long as the strategy involves that, that's what you know what you're the strategist. You just tell me what I could do, the one thing I learned

Speaker 1 and I'm ready for it. I think the movies we get in, we find Arlo.

Speaker 1 We get Arlo to tell us where John is yes then we find john and if at any point we meet somebody that is trying to like morally complicate what we're about to do we ice them we beat ass we beat ass okay no mercy and we remember that this is our home and we have to protect our home even earth is like a bigger home for us we're our last best hope yeah no failure is either peachyville dies or the whole world dies no no no failure is not an option not an option not an option don't forget to eat, Kelsey.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get it.
Yeah. Oh, I'll eat.
And you know what?

Speaker 1 Hands in the middle. Everybody, 43.

Speaker 1 Three hands. Two hands.
A horse and a horse.

Speaker 1 Cuttle scream on three. One, two, three.

Speaker 1 And then we open the door. door.
Okay, before you open the door, everybody give me a spot hidden check.

Speaker 1 72, I believe, even with my cool spot hidden. 53, failure.
Failure. 28, failure.

Speaker 2 I succeed. I got a 19.
Okay, sick.

Speaker 1 Beth, you notice right before Kelsey opens the door, there's like a little white rock propped up against the door.

Speaker 2 Wait! What?

Speaker 1 There's a little white rock. I lay down and look at the rock as closely as I possibly can.
You see it? Give it

Speaker 1 an education role, Matt. Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 70 on 70. You remember from the book of Ibon, which you read to everybody,

Speaker 1 tell of a spell called the the Warding Spell, which involved placing a circle of stones on the ground.

Speaker 1 And if one of the stones is removed or altered or disturbed in any way, whoever placed the stones will be alerted.

Speaker 1 As you get up really close to it, you see a kind of heat emanating off of the rock, and you realize that that rings true with what you remember from the spell as well.

Speaker 1 And it's not like the stones have to be like right next to each other and like a circle. Like it could be around this whole yeah, there's a circle.

Speaker 1 It just said the stones have to be within a yard of each other. Ah, okay.
And it's if they get disturbed? Yeah. Yes, if they get disturbed.
Okay, well, if I step over it, I'm not disturbing.

Speaker 1 No, no, but it's propped against the door. The door opens.
Oh, I see.

Speaker 2 I think we just got to notify the guy.

Speaker 1 So if he's at the end of a hallway, I could go as far. You can just sprint the fuck in.
You could just go in if you're going to be able to get it.

Speaker 1 I'll wait. I shouldn't jump ahead.
I'm sure there'll be a time where my hallway skills will work out. Okay, plan one is true hallway kamikaze.
Plan two.

Speaker 1 Let's look around and see if there's any other way of maybe like a vent or an exhaust pipe or a sewer sewer line or something we could maybe climb into.

Speaker 1 Or like, is there a way to prop this rock like so it doesn't move when the door slides open? Francis, give me a no roll. That is a five.
Whoa. So that's a super duper.

Speaker 1 As you say, other means of ingress, you remember how you exited this place originally, which was that Arlo led you out a secret hatch that led up to the top of the hill above the bunker, from which you beheld the sites of Peachyville.

Speaker 1 It's like he kind of went through Arlo's sort of massive computer brain up a fire exit to a hatch at the top of a hill.

Speaker 1 So you remember,

Speaker 1 right, the hatch we left from, and it's right next to Arlo. Let's just go up the hill.
All right, we go up the hill. Okay, so you clip to clap your ways up there.

Speaker 1 I looked very carefully for rocks since you said they're within a yard of each other. Oh, yeah.
Give me another spot. Give me another spot hidden, Kelsey.

Speaker 1 Kind of like when you're going through like a minefield, I'm in front and I'm going to go one step at a time. 52, I can't see anything.
Of course, 56 can't see shit.

Speaker 1 49, my spot hidden is 50 something, so I just barely passed. Okay, Trudy, I fumbled.
53. You fumbled.
Well, that just means you. Did you just roll over every rock? She'll move on her own.

Speaker 1 Matt, give me one more spot hidden roll. Okay.
Because essentially, here's what we'll say: is that you guys are going through Kelsey's watching.

Speaker 1 Okay. Kelsey's watching like a hawk, but Trudy is super paranoid about more rocks.
So she keeps calling out everything she sees, but it's like not rocks that are helpful.

Speaker 1 So you roll with disadvantage. You got a 33? Oh, disadvantage? Yeah, well, you already rolled.
So I was just making you roll. So I got a 43 or whatever there was.
So you still fast.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I still fall. Okay, so despite Trudy freaking out about every potentially white rock-shaped thing around you, you're able to make it up the hill expertly dodging.

Speaker 1 Just like you have like that behind enemy lines moment where like you see the fucking landmine and then you just barely avoid stepping on it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like your foot's like right above the rock and I notice and then I just go. You skillfully navigate past the rocks to the top of the hill.

Speaker 1 You see the hatch and you also see as you look out, you see this view of the town and you see at the center of town where that ominous cloud of eerie light has been swirling and swarming right where town square usually is like there's a gazebo and like, you know, like little fun shops and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 Probably some knickknack stores. You see like a big circus tent.

Speaker 1 And it's lit up from in. There's some glowing light inside.
And you see the silhouette of like just a massive writhing lump of something in the middle.

Speaker 2 I didn't know they were in town.

Speaker 1 That thing's bigger than three circus rings.

Speaker 1 And you also spy farther on the other side of town over by where the old bison lodge is, like kind of the old Elk's Lodge.

Speaker 1 Despite the fact that the lights are off pretty much everywhere in town, there seems to be a lot of cars parked outside, and there seems to be some activity going on there as well. Okay.

Speaker 1 We want to slowly open the hatch. Okay, you slowly open the hatch and you see a ladder descending downwards.

Speaker 1 This may be a problem for me.

Speaker 1 And me. All right, somebody give me a gun.
I'll put a menu.

Speaker 1 It's been one hour since all this, right? Okay, please, how do you have recovered one magic point? How many magic points do you have? 17 total, zero right now. You have 17 total magic points.

Speaker 1 Magic points regenerate at one point point per hour. What a refractory period.
I have an idea. When did you turn into this horse? Like an hour ago? I would say probably fair two hours.
Two hours.

Speaker 1 I'll be generous and say you've recovered three magic points, which means I will let you turn half your body back into a human.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Wow. Well, it has to be the lower half in order to climb a ladder.
You could still balance on hooves, but you have to use your front hands to like hold onto the rungs as you go down. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 You got to have some major tumblen synergy.

Speaker 1 You have half of body warping of Gorgoroth. Spend it how you will.
Yeah, Mr. Tumness is the goal, I think.

Speaker 1 It doesn't necessarily mean that it's like, you guys are thinking like it's like a fucking old j-bag of a naked lady where it's like standing

Speaker 1 one line ass tie. It could kind of be more like midway through the process of Wolfman.
Like you're like,

Speaker 1 this is like a zero. This is a horrible anamorph.
This is a real Catholic movie. Halfway through the animorph turn into the middle.
Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 Find an anamorph of a guy turning into a horse in the middle is what you look like.

Speaker 2 There's gotta be a anamorphs is actually a girl turning into a horse.

Speaker 1 We can use our imagination. This is pretty wild.
You look like jar base. Okay.

Speaker 1 I see it. Okay, I'm looking at just yep, I see it.
That rules. Animorph 14.

Speaker 1 Cassie turning into a horse. We have five images.
One the left is a horse. On the right is Cassie with a strange, strange pose, purple shirt.

Speaker 1 So it's really like, it's like, hey, can you pose in a way that like it would be easy to turn you into a horse? Is what they do.

Speaker 1 So the middle one, we have an elongated note.

Speaker 1 You look like a Navi, dude. You look like a Navi.
Dude, sorry, Francis falls in love with you immediately.

Speaker 1 Like a Navi, but you got your fingers. And the poses of the fingers.
Your forms are just starting to show up. You have fingies.
So you have little articulated fingers.

Speaker 1 So, according to Animorphs, at the 50% stage, I have articulated fingers, a small nub of a thumb. My shirt starts to appear.

Speaker 1 As do your pants. You've got pants.
As do my pants, and I look like a Navi. You have like a kind of snout situation going on.
It's a human face on a horse. Why the long face, Blake? Yes, it is.

Speaker 1 Why the long face, Blake. And you're just like, you're tall.
The sequel to Why the Last Man.

Speaker 1 You're like seven feet tall. Yes, and I'm taller.
If you can get into combat like this, we'll figure out your stats later. Yes.
Okay. But I am now a half human, half horse.

Speaker 1 Everyone else take a sanity roll for assuming this happened to Blake. It's the worst of both worlds.
But if I'm blue, it's all okay all of a sudden. No, it'll still be sanity.

Speaker 1 If you're blue and hot, like a Navi. Yeah, you got that tail.

Speaker 1 My sanity is a 40.

Speaker 2 I succeed, I got a 23.

Speaker 1 I've not looked in the mirror. I will not be making my sanity.
It failed. Okay, each of you, give me a 1d4 sanity.

Speaker 1 Cassie, you have a horse morph, right? Quick before they figure out how to follow us. Marco to Cassie.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait, which animal is Marco?

Speaker 1 All right, I took two sanity damage. I now have 31 sanity.
I was wrong about my, I was talking about my maximum. So two, and now I have 22 sanity.
22. Okay.

Speaker 1 Marco is the founding member of of the Anomorphs and served as their militaristic strategist and tactician.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they get real interesting and dark. You're now half horse morphed.
You're back down to zero magic points, and you can now clip-de-clop down the ladder with everybody else. You can't slop.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And you find yourself once again in the sort of cavernous. I am stronger.
I will go first. You probably help carry down Trudy because she's a wheel.
Trudy, give me a dexterity roll.

Speaker 2 20. What's my dexterity? 25.
I have to see.

Speaker 1 Okay, see. You skillfully managed to loop the fish line

Speaker 1 around your tongue. Your tongue ladder.
You managed to find a little pocket in your mouth to store it so that you don't have to talk with a list for the rest of the episode. That's for you, Beth.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Will. And now, whenever you need it, you can just sort of pop it back onto your tongue and shoot a rope out of your mouth like Spider-Man.
You

Speaker 1 wrap it around Blake's tail when he's climbing down the ladder. Fleshy tail, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hate to watch him go. Love him to watch him leave.

Speaker 1 So you go down the ladder slowly. Yes, you descend the ladder.

Speaker 1 You find yourself inside a massive 1950s computer with gears and bips and bops whooping whooping and whirring and they seem to be whooping and whirring a lot faster than the last time you were here they seem to be just shaking and quivering and rattling and you hear a sort of high-pitched anxious like

Speaker 1 like rattling around the space gonna follow that noise for sure so you pop open a little door and find yourself back in the arlo terminal room and you see your best buddy arlo on his little podium and his head is like thrishing and thrashing then going left and right he's drooling his eyes are wide he's got all the signs of an anxious anxious dog

Speaker 1 No, Laika died. That was Laika.
Laika, that's right. Arlo, who's there? It's it's us.
It's us. It's your friends.
You, yes, you. And Blake.
I can smell you too.

Speaker 9 What is this? What is this thing?

Speaker 1 I can smell you too, Arlo. Horses have good smell sense.

Speaker 9 Arlo gets scared around horses, but Arlo gets scared even more at the smell. The smell is everywhere.
It's spread. Something horrible is about to happen.

Speaker 1 What smell? I smell it too, Arlo. The evil bad.

Speaker 9 You smell the smell. The evil, bad smell that it's taking over.
It's everywhere. Remember that I said you guys smelled bad, but now something smells bad out there.

Speaker 1 It's like bad cornbread.

Speaker 1 We're here to stop the smell at its source. Good, good, good, good.

Speaker 9 Yes, good. Yes.
You came back.

Speaker 1 You found the keys. We did.
We did. We did.
Oh, good. You gave us such good advice, Arlo.
Yes. We're looking for a man who can help us get rid of the smell.
Can you describe the man? Where is the man?

Speaker 1 What man? We heard my brother John.

Speaker 1 He looks like me. Well, he's me, but a little bit older and a boy.

Speaker 1 So take a look. So Arlo,

Speaker 1 eyes roll back in his head and he's like,

Speaker 1 as he's sort of accessing his database. Can he be trapped or in prison? Son Grammar.
Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 Brother of Kelsey Grammar. Yes.

Speaker 9 Former head of containment at Project Hardland.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes, yes. He was the head of the head of containment.

Speaker 9 Yes, Project Hartland. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
He is currently.

Speaker 1 He's faked as dead, Kelsey. Currently located within the room.

Speaker 9 Yes, the room with the weapon.

Speaker 1 Yes, go, go, go, yes, yes, yes, go, go, yes, go find him, yes. Yeah, where is that?

Speaker 2 I thought he was the weapon.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, he's not, though. He said he had a way to stop this.

Speaker 9 The location of the device that can destroy whatever is in the ritual chamber.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yes.
Yes, you're right.

Speaker 9 This location is unknown to me, but the three keys go to the control room.

Speaker 1 You remember the control room? Yes. Yes.
Remember the panel in the control room? Yes.

Speaker 9 That is where the three keys are. Turn the three keys and you will find the weapon.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 the three key holes. We have the three things.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, we do.

Speaker 2 What if you opened them by smooching them like in Blake's thing? That'd be so funny. Because the whole podcast, we were looking for the keys.

Speaker 2 We could have just kissed them.

Speaker 1 We could have just kissed them lovingly with our tongues. Yeah, you wish to go to the control room.
Yes. Yeah.
Very well. I shut up and lock the door.
You watch. You push, Francis.

Speaker 1 I'm just, I'm ready to leap off of this anytime. You look really excited to do the one thing I learned.
You look like you're going to be prepared for this battle.

Speaker 1 And anytime you just kick me off, and I'm just a tool, I'm a hammer. You point me towards a nail, and I'll do it.

Speaker 2 And I got Trudy's arm too.

Speaker 1 Yes. We got Trudy's arm too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
And we are presumably somebody has a backpack with five sticks of dynamite. Yeah, we got all the dynamite.
I I feel like Blake being the strong

Speaker 1 with his horse strength has this bag of robot body.

Speaker 1 Over one shoulder. Yes.
Okay. We look like Rainbow Six with like one of those little drones that they put under the fucking door.

Speaker 1 Except it's the head of our friend with a gun. With horse Blake in the rear with a sack of Trudy robot bodies draped over his elegant horse shoulder.
Arlo blinks and the vault door slides open.

Speaker 1 Revealing absolutely nothing on the other side. Wait, nothing? Well,

Speaker 1 not like the void. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Just a hallway on the other side with a bunch of old skeletons in the hallway.

Speaker 1 A hallway? A hallway? Old skeletons? Old skeletons? Yes, this room. If you guys remember the last time you were here, there were a bunch of dead bodies in here from the People.

Speaker 1 Yes. I do.
Okay.

Speaker 1 We just head towards the. Okay, so yeah, you roll over to the control room.
It's just like the last time you were here. You see a big map of Peachyville on the wall.

Speaker 1 You see like little command stations, you know, a director's office, that kind of stuff.

Speaker 1 So you approach the control panel that you would last used trying to help poor old Tony Collette escape the ritual chamber, and you see three little slots for keys. What do you do?

Speaker 1 Triple-A open world, do whatever you want. Triple-A open world.

Speaker 1 Three keys, and a one. And I put in my key.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, I think we have to do it all at the same time. Yeah, I'm putting, I didn't turn it, I put it in.

Speaker 1 As you put the key in on the big map where it says director Tucker Trout research, a light lights up.

Speaker 1 Okay, I put in the second one. As you put the second key in, another key for the archives with director Brian Strikes Mitchell lights up.
Who has the third key? Ah, fuck, did we forget the third key?

Speaker 1 You did not forget the third key. Yeah, you've got it, Blake.
I fumble the third key in with my horse hands. You're in this horse hands.
And we,

Speaker 1 under the name of the leader of the containment sector, which was angrily crossed out many a moon ago, the light lights up. It's still crossed out? Why would it not be crossed out anymore? Dang.
Damn.

Speaker 1 Dang. We know it's John.
Three, two,

Speaker 1 one,

Speaker 1 turn.

Speaker 1 Turn.

Speaker 1 And with a crunch, you turn it on. Do you go crouch or clockwise or clockwise? You got to go clockwise to turn it.
Okay, at first it doesn't do anything, and then you all turn it the right way.

Speaker 1 Clockwise. And then there's like a churning, mechanical, crunching noise.
And this big map that you're seeing in front of you slides back, revealing like a vault-style door on the other side.

Speaker 1 Everybody, give me a no-roll. 16.
Super.

Speaker 1 Super. Super success.
71. Hey.
Hey. Buddy.
Hey. Hey, buddy.

Speaker 1 I've never looked at you this way. Well, we both failed.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I got 58. I barely passed.

Speaker 1 Okay. So the two of you remember this door immediately looks familiar to you.
It reminds you of the door leading into the big stasis chamber at Tucker Trout's Research Center.

Speaker 1 Does it look like attached to this door is a means of opening it, like a button or a bank? Yeah, there's like a big wheel to open it, like a bank vault. Cool.
Everybody, step back.

Speaker 1 Just pop this baby open.

Speaker 1 So the door swings open. There's a little narrow hallway, essentially the airlock part of this hallway, and then a second smaller door on the inside that would lead you into the room proper.

Speaker 1 You look disappointed, Kelsey. There will be hallways.
No, I'm not disappointed.

Speaker 1 No, I'm just worried about what's that like pressurization problem that can happen. Oh, you think we're going to get the bench? Not the bends? No, not the bends.

Speaker 1 Like where the guy gets sucked into the tube or whatever.

Speaker 1 The dolphin incident. That's the one.
that I'm sure will happen someday in the future. A theoretical accident, industrial accident.
Anytime there's an airlock, you guys just be careful.

Speaker 1 We don't want to open this door and then we all die. That's what I was doing.
Okay, we just got to close the door behind us. That's how airlocks work.
Oh, yeah. Okay, let's all go in.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you step in, and

Speaker 1 the door slams shut behind you, and you hear like

Speaker 1 Esther put some cool sci-fi sound effects. No, Esther, don't

Speaker 1 try, dude. This section of the podcast,

Speaker 9 dealer's choice,

Speaker 9 dealer's choice,

Speaker 1 dealer's choice.

Speaker 10 Dealer's choice, huh?

Speaker 1 Bigfoot, yo. I haven't seen you since like episode 15.

Speaker 10 Hey, meet me at the MacGuffin door in Project Heartland. Oh, and bring Jeremy Renner Swamp Thing.

Speaker 10 Alright, boys, I've been trying to get this door open for like 20 episodes. I've got some legally distinct sexy back, a turntable, and like three samples.

Speaker 1 Let's do this.

Speaker 1 Effect is permanent until the spell is recast.

Speaker 1 Effect is permanent until the spell is recast.

Speaker 1 Effect is permanent until the spell is recast.

Speaker 2 Bigfoot and black lagoon creature.

Speaker 1 Well done.

Speaker 2 Bigfoot and black lagoon creature.

Speaker 1 Well done.

Speaker 1 Bigfoot and black lagoon creature well done

Speaker 1 welcome to peachyville

Speaker 1 that's a season wrap on us let's get the out of here

Speaker 1 the doors open revealing like a military style bunker like in one corner a door leads off into a workshop another seems to have a small bedroom and the center of the room where your eye initially falls is dominated by it's like a rune circle one of those fucking doctors strange love war tables and a massive array of.

Speaker 1 Dr. Strange Love.
Dr. Strange.
Huh? Yeah, Dr. Strange Love.

Speaker 1 Did you guys say Dr. Strange? No, you said Dr.
Strange Street. No, but Matt was so ready to hear Dr.
Strange Strange. Dr.
Steven Strange, and what's her face? Matt's always got one foot in the MCU.

Speaker 1 One foot in the grave, one foot in the MCU, dude. Hey, Kelsey, on your left.

Speaker 1 A Doctor Strange Love, no fighting in the war room, war table, and a massive array of glowing crystals jutting out of the back wall.

Speaker 1 Staring up at the crystals, his back turned to you, stands John in his officer's uniform. His form is shriveled and hunched.

Speaker 1 He holds himself up with, like, imagine like Gandalf's fucking wizard staff, but he's got like a bunch of like medical IV bags filled with strange potions draped on it.

Speaker 1 So an IV stand, yeah, but like a wizard's IV stand. Wizard's IV stand.
Again, there's all these IV bags and medical equipment pumping strange fluids in and out of his withered frame.

Speaker 1 And he says, About damn time you all showed up. John, are you where you live? What? Is this where you live?

Speaker 1 I thought you're like trapped because like you have like a setup here.

Speaker 1 I like that best not laughing because I don't know why it's funny either.

Speaker 1 Oh, Anthony, that was the one.

Speaker 1 John slowly turns to face you, and as he does, you see the hilt of a dagger sticking out of his chest. Oh, my God, John, looked out.

Speaker 1 I don't think the pipe's are going to help us happen. This is the most dibbling reunion scene I've ever made.

Speaker 1 There's just a dark corruption that seems to be slowly spreading from its wound, and he's like, It's okay, Kelsey. It's okay.
It's all right. I can explain everything.
Just start.

Speaker 1 Matt, it's like an Iron Man Man 2 when the thing is corrupting the show. Oh, okay.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
There you go. Yeah, okay.
There you go.

Speaker 1 Because I was trying to think of how connected to Doctor Strange, and I couldn't think of anything, but I am. I got you.
I get it. Okay, just come in.

Speaker 1 I can explain everything. Okay.
Can I give you like a little side hug? Yeah, just don't from the front. Don't push it in.
Don't push it in. It's really important.

Speaker 1 It hurts like hell. Okay, how long? Well, no, you want to tell me something.
Then I'll ask all the, my questions are stupid. Tell me what you're going to say.

Speaker 1 Well, first, I wanted to say it's good to finally see you face to face,

Speaker 1 How you doing? I mean, I'm here. It's not great.
You know how great. Okay, yeah.
That's not great. Yeah.
Well, welcome. Hi.
Welcome to the room. Where you live?

Speaker 1 Where I live. I do live here.
You were about to say. You live here.
I do live here.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I was just imagining more like a prisoner or something.
It's like a whole get up. It's complicated.
It's a long story. So why don't you sit down? Oh, okay.
You got so many chairs.

Speaker 1 Should I sit down? Well, let's all sit down. Thank you.
Yes, I meant all of you. Sit down.
Visitors?

Speaker 1 I don't get a lot of. It's been a while since I've had any visitors.
In this place where you live,

Speaker 1 put the cattle on.

Speaker 1 I'm the one who hasn't seen anyone in like a thousand years, but you're the one. A thousand years? Well, a thousand years in here.
You know, a couple decades out there.

Speaker 1 Is that knife keeping you alive or something? That's a long time to be alive. You look still pretty young.
The knife is slowly killing me. The bag full of medical stuff is keeping me alive.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I should explain everything right now if you'd like me to. Yes, please.

Speaker 1 She's bouncing them out. I just learned a lot about Kelsey.

Speaker 1 Right, Kelsey. Like uppers and like uppers and downers, that game we used to play as kids.
You know, the game became upers.

Speaker 1 They're turning into shooters and ladders.

Speaker 1 Bouncing out of mama's bed and cabinet and sort of playing roulette with all the bottles. You got to write that perfect hi.
I remember.

Speaker 1 I remember. There's a lot about Kelsey you guys don't know.
Oh, no. Kelsey, you found my journal, right? Yeah.
So you know what happened to me during the war. I mean, a lot of it, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, you came back and you saved me. You warned me of my death, but then I kept seeing visions of my death over and over and over again.
It was like you were warning me in all these different ways.

Speaker 1 And I survived the war, but clearly something was going on. And once the brass got a hold of it, they wanted to do some tests.
They wanted to experiment on me.

Speaker 1 And I said, yes, I signed up to be part of a secret. paranormal experimentation group in the U.S.
Army. And for years, we studied in secret.

Speaker 1 And I learned things, not just about our world, but about reality itself, about the universes upon universes, the alternate dimensions that exist beyond our own.

Speaker 1 And you couldn't have at least told mom and dad or something. I know it had to be top secret.

Speaker 1 I had to say goodbye. I just know at least.
We understood why you went to war. It would have put you in danger, Kelsey, to even know what had happened to me.
That was why we had to fake my death.

Speaker 1 That was why I had to go away. And if you knew I survived, then you never would have come back to warn me of my death to begin with, and the whole thing never would have happened.
It's a headache.

Speaker 1 It was a hard choice, but a choice I had to make, not only for the good of the country, but also just for the benefit of humanity.

Speaker 1 We had an opportunity to learn about the world around us, about worlds beyond worlds, and I took it. For years, it went great.
We learned and we explored. Do you guys know what astral projection is?

Speaker 1 Are you guys familiar with that at all? Oh, yeah. Francis tells me.
Oh, yeah. I can do that shit.
You can?

Speaker 1 So you know then you can sever your mind from your body and explore

Speaker 1 realities beyond our own. You won't tell us how he got it.
You'll be there at the end, Chief. Oh, what do you mean? I fly around this reality.
Oh, well, don't beat yourself up.

Speaker 1 It takes a little while to get good at the other part. Wow, your brother's a dick.

Speaker 1 I mean, so you could have just flown

Speaker 1 anywhere, and you could just say anything, huh? We'll talk about it later, okay? This is like, can I just, this is important, okay? Okay. For years, we were doing these experiments in secret.

Speaker 1 We were just a little military outfit. Everyone thought we were kooks.
They left us alone.

Speaker 1 But then that thing came to Oak Ridge, and he taps his staff, his wizard IV bag, and all of the crystals on the wall sort of alight and show you footage and glimpses and angles of the Oak Ridge nuclear disaster in Tennessee, previously featured on Mountains of Dadness,

Speaker 1 which you can go to our Patreon and listen to or listen to the first episode for free on this very feed. You see basically where it all started, this incursion from the powers that be into our world.

Speaker 1 He says after that, it kicked off a sort of paranormal arms race. Everyone was trying to find a way to harness these powers that we had been slowly exploring.

Speaker 1 Our department wound up getting a ton of money, a ton of new faces that, frankly, I didn't trust any farther than I could throw them. Everything spiraled out of control from there.
Trout showed up.

Speaker 1 Me? Mitchell showed up. Trout? Yes, you're.

Speaker 1 Oh, I thought you meant. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 You thought you meant the fish, didn't you? That would be weird. Everybody always meets fish researchers.

Speaker 1 I just thought it was like a slow build of crazy things happening because there are no trout in Feachieville. So it would be weird if suddenly the Trout arrived, but he met you.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 He met your husband. Your husband.
Director Troutman. Director Trout.
Director Trout. He got involved.
Brian Mitchell got involved.

Speaker 1 A whole bunch of just power-hungry men who wanted to control and harness the things we had been experimenting with. And things got out of hand fast.
They proceeded recklessly.

Speaker 1 You know, we were careful. We were methodical as we were summoning things and experimenting.
These people, all they wanted was power. And so they created this place.
They created Project Heartland.

Speaker 1 I tried to guide them as best I could. I tried to contain their power.
That's why they made me head of containment. I was in charge of safekeeping all these horrors that they called up.

Speaker 1 I tried my best to keep them from coming out and destroying the world. All the time, I kept looking around in the multiverse to just learn more.

Speaker 1 But I learned about Zuzel and I learned about the powers that be and the fate that's fallen every version of Peachy Hill and every version of the earth that I've seen, which is that in one way or another, it gets destroyed.

Speaker 1 And I knew we needed some contingency to stop that.

Speaker 1 So I had them build me this room, this sort of room beyond time, so I could scour our universe and the universes for as long as it took to find something that could save us.

Speaker 1 Little did I know that this room would turn into my prison. Because when I was in here, Zuzel was whispering into their ears out there.
Why didn't they just kill you?

Speaker 1 Because they're scared of me, Kelsey. Because with the power that I have, that's the beauty of this place.
Whatever they would try, I would have a thousand years to prepare for it.

Speaker 1 It was better to just lock me up and throw away the key or keys, as it were. But the joke is on them because I found a way to get you here.
I did it.

Speaker 1 And I found a way to stop them and to stop Zuzel and to save our world from the powers that be. So you guys want to hear it? I mean,

Speaker 1 actually, yeah.

Speaker 1 I was being a little dramatic. That was, you know, God, your fucking brother, man.
No, stop with that. Excuse me.
He's been for a thousand years.

Speaker 1 He lives here.

Speaker 1 You're talking about him and like that in the place that he lives. How old are you? 16? Yeah, you're like almost as dramatic as him, and you've only been around for 16 years.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 So imagine. My parents are dead.
So?

Speaker 1 Wait, so what? You shot me before your parents die.

Speaker 1 I'm complicated. Everybody's being a little hysterical right now.
You're right. Yeah.
But not the woman. Ironically.
Not the woman. Well, Kelsey's a woman.
That was great. I would like some grass.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 I've seen a lot of things while I've been in here, and I haven't seen anything quite like you, mister. Oh, oh,

Speaker 1 I'm trying to remember the Doing the halo theme? Oh, no, no. They try to do the avatar.
Yeah, Horner, dude. Trying to drop some Horner in the chat.

Speaker 1 John is mesmerized by your half-horse beauty for a moment, then he shakes it off. Oh, you're like a baby.
We have to focus. Here's the way I see it, the way the situation stands currently.

Speaker 1 You've got two problems to solve in two completely different places. One here, one in the Atlantic Ocean.
What the fuck? You've only got time to hit one of these problems head on. Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 1 But the good news is you're a bowling team. There's a problem you face dozens of times.

Speaker 2 It's like a 7-10 split.

Speaker 1 7-10 split. 7-10 split.
He pounds his magic staff and the crystals on the wall go to life again.

Speaker 1 And you see the hall of the bisons, basically this kind of like Elk's Lodge in the middle of town where the bisons have their meetings and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 You see like a bunch of corpses on the ground. You see two haggard Beachyville civilians fighting to the death.
And you see one of them win and plunge a dagger into the other one.

Speaker 1 And all these masked bisons cheer and hold them aloft.

Speaker 1 and they drape a hood over this person and lead them out the door as we speak the bisons are on the verge of anointing their new seed bearer soon the bearer's flesh will be consumed by mother who will birth zuzel into this world you guys are familiar with all this right yeah yeah i think we know i was almost a seed bearer yeah and mother we didn't meet mother big monster right yes yes very big monster sorry it's new to us i mean you've been around for that but monsters are still it's a big monster we haven't met it but it's a big monster yes and i have reason to believe they're currently keeping it in the center of town.

Speaker 1 Did you guys see like a big circus tent or anything like that on your way in? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's where Mother is located. They're bringing the Sea Bearer there.

Speaker 1 When the Sea Bearer is consumed by Mother, Zuzel will be born into our world. And when Zuzel lets out his newborn cry, every soul in Peachyville will die.
So we'll call that pin seven.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that's bad. I mean, that's what we're trying to stop.
We don't want to die. He taps his staff again, and the crystals all flash.

Speaker 1 Now you're looking at this throbbing space cock in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, fucking the earth.

Speaker 1 Over in the Atlantic Ocean, the appendage of of the powers that be thrusts ever deeper into the earth, approaching its climax.

Speaker 1 I don't want to speak too blue in front of you ladies, but once it reaches the ship. We can handle it, John.

Speaker 1 Okay. Why is it weird? Because I'm your sister? A little.
And then, you know, when we've got Mrs. Trout here, and I just, you know,

Speaker 2 is that what's going on?

Speaker 1 No, you're not my sister, dear, but it's more my problem than yours. I know you, you're ladies, and you're acquainted with the birds and the bees.

Speaker 1 You just might be able to teach us everything that's going to happen once

Speaker 1 in the bedroom. No, what? Actually, that's true feedback.
Why don't you, gals? Just cover your ears and I'll translate for you. Once this appendage achieves release,

Speaker 1 its foul essence will fertilize the Earth's core, eventually transforming our little blue marble into a hideous, all-consuming outer world.

Speaker 1 When does the Earth get her?

Speaker 1 They don't need to, do they? It gets her what? Wait, they can't. That's not.

Speaker 1 Wait, I don't understand.

Speaker 1 What does the Earth tend to get out of it?

Speaker 1 Does the Earth get something out of it? I don't don't understand.

Speaker 1 I guess not, John.

Speaker 1 I'm so sad.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 the result of all this being that the earth will turn into an all-consuming outer god. We'll call that problem pin 10.
Yeah, it's the whole world dies. Yes.

Speaker 1 He taps the staff once more, and now you're watching slow-mo footage of a bowling ball hurtling down an alley. Oh, you had this menu prepared.

Speaker 1 Trying to pick up a 7-1-I've had a thousand years to think of it.

Speaker 1 Trying to pick up a 7-10 split. We turn around, we see his little homemade set with a set.
Like, where did did he go with this?

Speaker 1 And then it's a thousand other ones in different pin configurations.

Speaker 2 Go on, John. Go on.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 The trick to picking up a 7-10 split, as you all know, you hit one pin so hard at just the right angle.

Speaker 2 And it jumps out of the pit. It hits the other pin.

Speaker 1 Exactly. It bounces around and knocks the other pin over.
More or less, that's what you guys are going to do with this. And he points to the dagger stuck into his chest.

Speaker 2 But John, everybody knows that you most often start with the 10-ball in the 7-10 split.

Speaker 1 Oh, do you?

Speaker 2 You're aiming for the 10-ball, John. Oh, well, then

Speaker 1 that one's 10 and the other one's 7. Just switch the other ones, okay? No, I get it.

Speaker 1 Okay. Man, a thousand years is enough time to plan for that one.

Speaker 1 Hey, shut up.

Speaker 1 This thing sticking out of my chest is an incredibly powerful relic. At the center of all realities lies the court of the powers that be.
But there's something even they fear.

Speaker 1 Something they call the thing in the dark.

Speaker 1 And in a far-flung corner of a dead planet orbiting a dying star, a universe away from here, I found a piece of the thing in the dark. I call it the hangnail.

Speaker 1 The only way to take it back with me to this world was to take it back in my body. The hangnail absorbs psychic energy.

Speaker 1 The same psychic energy you use to cast a spell, to say, turn your friend into a horse,

Speaker 1 or for your friend to turn himself into half a horse. I don't know why you did that, but that's psychic energy power.
Psychic rack. Yes.
Every once in a while. Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, you know how you turn turn it after you do that? Yeah. It's because you've expended psychic energy.

Speaker 1 Your average human soul contains a very small amount of this energy. So small it takes 10,000 souls burning completely in unison just to open the door for a demigod like Zuzel to come into our world.

Speaker 1 When he screams at the moment of his birth, that's what's happening. All of those souls are being burned so that he can come through.
Now imagine. how much psychic energy Zuzel must have.
A god.

Speaker 1 This is very important.

Speaker 1 I,

Speaker 1 the boy is not listening to me. I'm not good with eye contact.
I'm listening. Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, oh, no. That's okay.
Do teens not look at each other anymore? No, they do. They generally do.

Speaker 1 Just the fucked up blood. I'm sorry.
It's been a long time since I've talked to anybody. I'm listening to you.
You haven't made cancellation yet. You're fine.
Okay. All right.

Speaker 1 If you plunge this blade into Zuzel's skull at the moment of his birth, the moment his head crowns through mother's putrescent aperture. Holy shit.

Speaker 1 For a moment when you do that, that power, all of Zuzel's power will go into the hangnail and it will be yours to hold. Once you see him crown, you stab him in the head.
Yes.

Speaker 1 You have to do it before he lets out his first scream in this world. That is the moment when every soul in Peachy who built will die.

Speaker 1 I'm still hung up on putrescent aperture because that's a cool thing. It's a good word, Joyist.
Yeah. Well, the part that my mother that

Speaker 1 of China.

Speaker 1 John is going to take a sanity.

Speaker 2 And that's why the word you use, putrescent.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's it. Well, I'm not.
Mother's aperture, its aperture is putrescent.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, I think that she should see a doctor or something.
Well, look,

Speaker 1 it feels cleaning. Putrescent to us.
I don't know if in whatever mother's

Speaker 2 if it's clear or it's white, you're okay.

Speaker 1 If it's yellow or it's green,

Speaker 1 it needs to be seen. Yes.
Yellow or white, it's all right. All right.
Yellow or green.

Speaker 1 No, clear or white, you're all right. Yellow or green needs to be seen.
It's dead and seen. If it's red, you're probably dead.
No, that's no.

Speaker 1 That happens once a month, Matt. I know once a month, I think I'm going to die.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Regardless, this is the moment. Do you understand?

Speaker 1 It's a narrow moment you have. You can either release the energy.

Speaker 1 that's been absorbed into the blade, all of Zuzel's psychic energy, you can either release it into a ball of burning energy and launch it across the globe straight into that colossal member copulating with our planet,

Speaker 1 or you stab yourself with the hangnail and use the power to transform yourself into, well, a demigod.

Speaker 1 Why would we do that? Yeah, why wouldn't we just kill the big dick? You're talking about launching a ball of energy all the way from Nebraska to a precise point in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Speaker 1 It's no small feat, even for a scratch bowler. It's one hell of of a shot.
That's all I'm saying. Yeah, but Niles is a sniper.
Remember? Well, get Niles.

Speaker 1 I'm just telling you what the options are.

Speaker 1 It's either a million-to-one shot, or if you take that energy and you transform yourself, whatever you transform into, you'd be a being of such immense power, it would be trivial for you to fly across the earth and rip that foul member in half.

Speaker 1 But no human's ever done this before. I don't know what form you'll turn into.
I don't know how long you'll be able to survive. All I know is once you do it, there's no coming back.

Speaker 1 So those are your options. A million to shot or a one-way ticket to who knows where.
I wish it was a better plan, but there it is. That's the 7-10 split.
Any questions? I guess there's a 7-10 split.

Speaker 1 I mean, you give us two options. I mean, yes, you have the 7-10 split as the two guys.
This is just you, you can do this whichever way you want. This is the plan I have.

Speaker 1 Yeah, our options are knock one pin into the other or become the manager of the bowling alley and then run over and just kick the other pin down with our foot.

Speaker 1 But this is home to a really sad, depressing life. Like, he's sad and alone.
Who wants to be the manager of a bowling alley? Exactly. We don't know i mean maybe it could be great oh to be a

Speaker 1 i mean i don't know okay i am scared that if any one of us does it we will turn evil pretty quickly like a bowling alley manager like a bowling alley manager

Speaker 1 and i don't know how long it would be before you would just die and explode like a bowling alley manager would also be cool yeah do you know what i mean like it's it's it's so much power i don't know how long a human form could even contain it surely long enough to solve your problems but beyond that who knows so this ball of energy would destroy the hole in the stars in the dick again Zuzel has the the power to take this thing down.

Speaker 1 I just want to understand. All of that energy concentrated on the member would destroy it.
And we wouldn't die, and the world wouldn't die. And none of us would have to turn it off.

Speaker 1 There's a chance we miss, but I'm just saying if I'm not. There's a chance you miss, in which case, that's the game.
That's the game. Yeah, I understand.
That's the game.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, this seems pretty straightforward. And the other way is more certain and success, but almost certainly one of us will be gone.
Dibs.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, Dibs?

Speaker 1 Francis. Turn into a god and explode, and everybody remembers me being fucking I have detectives coming after me, children detectives.
And I got a guy after I don't want to shout. That'd be awesome.

Speaker 2 That's a really good point, Francis.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, it's not.

Speaker 1 No, no, it's not.

Speaker 1 No, Trudy, it's not. It's not.
It's just two points. Number one, you guys have families.
I don't. Number one, Francis, you're young.
You have a lot of potential.

Speaker 1 You still have a lot of time and growth. You can be whoever you want to be still.
Number two, I want to be a demigod.

Speaker 1 Exactly. And number two, if there's anybody that there's a chance that will go bad when they become a demigod,

Speaker 1 it's probably,

Speaker 1 again because you have so much growth that you can do where you are now maybe not the most responsible person but you know what we can i can show you that'll be my we can talk about it oh no that's that's a good point that's a good point you got me there as a teacher i should want you but but you know it's another point when we get there yeah we we can we don't have to settle this now This sounds like the only workable plan that we have.

Speaker 1 Well, there's two of them. We can't leave this to chance.
Yeah. Like, I just won't.

Speaker 1 Now, I will say, to get down to brass techs, however you want to prepare, you have a room in which you can do that right now.

Speaker 1 Just focusing on pin 10 for a second, we're talking about infiltrating the very seat of the bison's power, stabbing their god in the head at the exact moment when all eyes are going to be upon him.

Speaker 1 It's going to take perfect timing and a damn good plan. And whatever you're going to do about pin seven is going to take a damn good plan as well.

Speaker 1 You've got as much time as you need to while you're in here. You can rest up.
You can heal yourselves. I also have a few little things in here that might help you along.
Oh, cool. What?

Speaker 1 Please load us up with goodies. Well, there are two things that come to mind.
One is the workshop, and one is the telephone. Very curious to hear about blood.

Speaker 1 We have telephones outside. Well, no, but this is a special kind of telephone.
Oh, this is a beautiful. Are you hands-free? You know, you still have to use your.
It's that telephone over there.

Speaker 1 Okay, what does it do? Holy shit. It just looks like a simple, ordinary payphone.
Well, it appears to be.

Speaker 1 But I don't know.

Speaker 1 It's giving a malign aura. It's giving a spooky aura.
John says, that phone will connect you to the operator. The operator is a being of immense power.
Yeah, they are.

Speaker 1 This operator is being of even more immense power, but they can connect you to any one person on the earth. That's what operators do.
I don't, John. The other person doesn't have a phone, Kelsey.

Speaker 1 Okay, you're just describing how a phone works. Okay, well, I understand.
Do you call it operator? It's a magic telephone, Kelsey. A magic, okay.

Speaker 1 Imagine that I could put this up and put one of these coins, and he has four coins with him. These gold, sort of like Spanish debris.

Speaker 1 That's how phones work.

Speaker 1 And we use coins too. You just haven't been around for a long time.
I'm so confused why you're mad at me. You use a coin

Speaker 1 operator.

Speaker 1 And then the operator puts you a thousand years and you're as annoying as ever.

Speaker 1 I feel like I have learned so much of the sibling relationship.

Speaker 1 Kelsey. Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry. I won't interrupt again.
This magic telephone can connect you anyone on earth,

Speaker 1 living or dead.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 whether they have a phone or not, you will simply speak to them in their head. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 The cost is one of these coins, which took me a very, very, very long time to find in my scouring travails across the multiverse.

Speaker 1 I have four coins, just enough for each of you to make one call, one of you to make four calls, whatever you want to do.

Speaker 1 If there are any allies you wish to communicate with to help you in your task, you can use one of these coins. Living or dead? Living or dead.

Speaker 1 Do we talk to them like in the afterlife or in the afterlife? You can't bring them back to life. No, you're not.

Speaker 1 Are they dead and have the memories of being alive or are we like talking to them back when they were alive through a time vortex or something? It's you're talking to them in the afterlife.

Speaker 1 Okay, cool. Now, Kelsey, does that sound like a normal phone to you? Well, no, that's not.

Speaker 1 Now, Kelsey, when you're teaching a class, do you ask your students to wait till you've finished your sentence before they ask questions or jump in? What's happening?

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's just trying to get participation in your life. I usually contextualize my learning plan at the beginning so they know what they're in for when I start talking.
That's all. Wow,

Speaker 1 I feel like I I'm not. I did that.
I was just confused. I was just confused.
I was listening. It's been a long time, and I was like, you know, but now I understand.

Speaker 2 She was confused, and she asked a clarifying question.

Speaker 1 He mocked her for it. No, no, Kelly.
Okay, now you mentioned

Speaker 1 John, okay? You have to mind your all team members on John. It's a stressful time, and that's, it's a very impressive phone.

Speaker 1 That's all I was trying to say. Okay.
Okay. All right.
But I really, I'm perplexed as to who to, there's so many options of who we can call. I know.

Speaker 1 Well, why don't you think about that while I'm showing you the workshop? I should ask Jesus if he's real. I was like, a lot of things change.
That's changed.

Speaker 1 That is true.

Speaker 1 That's true. This is real.

Speaker 1 You're right. This was real.
You're right.

Speaker 1 It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 It's not that it doesn't matter, but like it changes. It's a lot.
It's not a big deal if we fail. It changes.

Speaker 1 But anyway, the end game changes. Put it this way.
The preparations we would be doing. Oh, I know what we're calling.

Speaker 1 Jesus, Mohammed, Ganesha.

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Speaker 1 so the workshop this is my humble abode like santa again this was where you live this is where i live yeah and this is where i work okay this room was created works already played to be able to have everything i would need to prepare for whatever horrible thing they called up in that ritual chamber out there.

Speaker 1 So in this chamber, I can craft things. I've got metal.
I see you have a severed talking robot head and a bunch of busted robot parts. Yes.

Speaker 1 Herein lie the tools with which we could, if you want, try to cobble together some new sort of body for you. It seems like you've got some sort of gun-powered conveyance.

Speaker 1 This thing is remarkable, but I just leave that as an option. We could make those wheels move by themselves, Trudy.
Yes. Or you could fly.

Speaker 2 Or I could just have legs again.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true. Well, that'll depend on how, what kind of shape these parts are in.
They don't look like they're in good.

Speaker 1 But if you would like, I can take a crack at trying to piece something together for you.

Speaker 2 Could I get another leg? Yes, please.

Speaker 1 And another leg for the young gentleman. Can we all get another leg?

Speaker 1 That might take some time.

Speaker 1 I was wondering if we could. Kelsey's thinking,

Speaker 1 say that again.

Speaker 2 Is there a place where we can like maybe sleep and like oh, yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Beth asking the real meta questions right now. Yeah.
Dressed up and you can go

Speaker 1 human again if you want.

Speaker 1 No. If you want.

Speaker 1 Well, I need to wait long enough to be able to. I would like to recover some HP and that.
Freddy,

Speaker 1 give me a sanity roll. 39 out of 57 pass.
Okay, so when you glance in the mirror, you are for a mere moment entranced by the beauty of your half-horse form.

Speaker 1 But you're able to resist its seductive allure and still hold on to your yearning to be a human once more. But every day you stay in horse form, you are going to have to make this role.

Speaker 1 Does he have pants on? I also have a partial shirt, remember? Yeah. Yeah.
But it's like crop top. It's kind kind of transparent, though.
You know what I'm saying? Oh, mesh shirt.

Speaker 1 It's got a mesh shirt.

Speaker 1 It's got a sludge mesh shirt on.

Speaker 1 Sluddy mesh shirt on. Ready to read your pants.

Speaker 1 Same thing, dude. What are you? Mesh pants?

Speaker 1 Fazzyball shorts. Right.
Fazzball shorts. What are you working with down there? A little extra poking out of the bottom.
A little mushroom tip coming out of the bottom.

Speaker 1 Why does that

Speaker 1 horse? This is a horse horse. And that means every part is part horse, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, that's crazy. That's crazy.
That's crazy. That's crazy.
All right.

Speaker 1 I don't like the fan art that's going to come from from that. I love it.
Welcome it.

Speaker 1 You have to. Hear me, fan artists.
Pick up your pens. Fire up your wake-up Cintiques

Speaker 1 and have at me.

Speaker 1 Do your worst. Do your worst.

Speaker 1 You now basically have

Speaker 1 to. Boot up Krita Studio, your open source Photoshop alternative on your Cintiq tablets.
Are you brave enough to open Blender or 3D Studio Max? Oh, for those of you degenerates ready for Blender,

Speaker 1 there are more special treats.

Speaker 1 Perhaps you will find it fit to model some bits in ZBrush. Well done.
I eagerly await

Speaker 1 patience. There's so many things to do.
Well, we got a thousand years or as much time as we want, presumably. We did also.
He seems really impressive of the workshop and stuff.

Speaker 1 Don't tell that we just came from

Speaker 1 the craziest gun supply possibly ever winter.

Speaker 1 Oh, these two are really cool.

Speaker 1 Can I say what I like about this scene and what I like about this whole thing that we're doing here is it's the equivalent of them being like, we got rescue Morpheus. What do you need? Guns.

Speaker 1 And then it goes, foo, and there's that scene. And then it's like before they made their way to the building, they're like, hold on, let's stop at another place, too.

Speaker 1 They're like, what we need more stuff, Neo? It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. More good.
More guns, a nap. No, nap and healing is good, so we can be full-powered.

Speaker 1 Trudy, yeah, it would be great if Trudy can move on your own. However, you like.

Speaker 1 I think you not everybody gets a chance to make exactly the sort of body they want i don't mean that in like a the shape i understand

Speaker 1 we can be anything in this context wow i can even be half horse i mean i would love to be able to like climb we'd be unstoppable are you kidding me yeah yeah yeah hold on what if we all became horses dude do we have to

Speaker 1 It's so weird sometimes when I talk as Freddy and I get Kelsey's response.

Speaker 1 All I know is that Blake managed to

Speaker 1 kill a really powerful person when he was a horse. So maybe it's because the world of horses.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know. We can all become half horses if we want, I guess.

Speaker 1 I don't want that. I don't think I want that either.
Who should we call? Sorry, I'm just really. I honestly think we maybe should

Speaker 1 start Jesus Christ. I don't think it's a bad idea to start with Jesus.
Who's taking that one? Because it's obviously you.

Speaker 1 That was my idea, but that's not a whole lot of call. But will he answer just like in every one of you? That would give you my cool.
Oh, that's a good question. Oh, yeah.
Does it translate?

Speaker 1 Does it translate? Oh, it's fine. We can just write down the sort of phonetics of what he says and then spend 100 years learning that language.
Yeah, that's true. So it's not a big deal.

Speaker 1 No, but we don't have any communication with him. And also, like, but here's the thing.
No, but he won't wait 100 years for us. But Anthony.
If he's God, he'll know what we're saying. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 That proves a pretty.

Speaker 1 That. If he starts speaking back in English, we know everything we need to know.
But if he responds back and it's like, I don't understand what you're saying.

Speaker 1 And we're saying, I don't understand what you're saying. It's like, well, you ain't even a God.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 A lot of people be wrong.

Speaker 1 Hold on, but wait, just

Speaker 1 not to influence passive menace, but like, what if it turns out that we're the ones canonically that like gives him the doubts before fucking, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Like, he gets a call, he hears in his voice. Dude,

Speaker 1 he's on the cliff. He's on the cliff.
The voice that is Satan doubting is actually his father.

Speaker 1 Canonically, he's in there and he's like, he's like, Father, I prepare to do what you have burned me to do. And also, he's like, hey, are you really God?

Speaker 1 He's like,

Speaker 1 Peter Helen, hey, are you really God? It's like, what? What the fuck?

Speaker 1 Where's this coming from?

Speaker 1 That's exactly what happened. Where's this coming from?

Speaker 1 Okay, well, he did say it in. No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 That'd be wild, dude.

Speaker 1 Where's this coming from?

Speaker 1 Are you guys going to call Christ? Yes.

Speaker 1 The only person I could think about calling is my mom, and she's, I don't think she could help that much because she'd probably be psyched to know that the plan's still going forward.

Speaker 1 And I don't want to talk to her again anyway because I don't, she doesn't matter to me. But if you're not going to be a little bit more, here's my coin.

Speaker 1 Use your coin if you should.

Speaker 1 Use your coin, Francis. Yeah, use your coin.
All right. I put my coin on the machine.
I say, Jesus.

Speaker 1 I would like to speak to Jesus, please. Ah, be specific.
Francis, be specific. Francisbrader says.
I would like to speak to Jesus. Francis Operator.
Salbrater says, you're talking to him.

Speaker 9 What do you wish to know of my son?

Speaker 1 Holy shit, he's speaking English. Oh, my God.
Kelsey, Kelsey, it's for you. And I hand it to Kelsey.
Hello, Kelsey. Hi, Mr.
Christ.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 Wait, you're the one.

Speaker 9 What can I do for you, Kelsey?

Speaker 1 I put the phone down. It's like, John, you buried the lead.
This phone calls Jesus.

Speaker 1 I never thought to call Jesus.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, the phone calls Jesus.

Speaker 1 The guy on the phone. The phone is the oldest.
Of course, Christ is the operator. So, Jesus, most of what you do.
Wait,

Speaker 1 why is evil to happen? Oh, okay. First question, why do you allow evil to happen?

Speaker 1 Second question.

Speaker 1 Second question.

Speaker 1 Is this what you do? Is this like what your dad's got you doing? Is this what you do?

Speaker 1 your dad slash you? How often, how busy of a job, like how full-time of a job is this?

Speaker 1 How many coins are there? We all have four coins.

Speaker 1 Are you busy? Are you busy? How often are people calling everybody? Slow down. Okay.

Speaker 9 It's okay.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 9 The important thing is that you treat others the way you would want to be treated in this world.

Speaker 1 I try to do that.

Speaker 9 These concerns you have, for me to give you the answer to them would be to deprive you of something.

Speaker 2 Oh, Jesus hugs.

Speaker 1 Like, give me two a kid.

Speaker 9 My father gave you free will in order to be able to think for yourself and wrestle with these questions for yourself.

Speaker 1 Okay. But what about like if a tree falls in the forest and like kills it?

Speaker 1 I'm going to put you on a speaker. Yeah.
So like if a tree falls in the forest and like lands on a deer and the deer like slowly bleeds out and dies and doesn't just like learn anything about it.

Speaker 1 Like why is that a thing that happens?

Speaker 9 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Like all the punishment we go through as people,

Speaker 1 all the punishment we go through as people so we can presumably get better and be more like close to God and stuff.

Speaker 1 But animals don't have the opportunity, so they just live and they suffer really badly and then they die.

Speaker 2 Why? And people suffer too. A lot of people suffer and die.
How come, Jesus?

Speaker 1 How come? Um, well, see, you think so.

Speaker 9 The thing about that is that, uh, hold on, I've got another call coming in. I'm going to

Speaker 1 have a question. Yes, yes, you, yes.
How do you maintain consistent tendon-shoulder alignment across legs when you're building a chair? Oh, a carpentry question.

Speaker 9 Well, this is a good one.

Speaker 1 What was the question again?

Speaker 1 I have one final question. Yes.
Oh, yes, yes.

Speaker 9 As long as it's not about why there's evil and it's not anything specific about our purpose.

Speaker 1 It's not.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 you're not contacting us with anybody, this coin doesn't count, right? It's like getting a refund. Like, you're not connecting us to anybody.

Speaker 1 Or, sorry. Can you now connect us?

Speaker 1 Using this coin.

Speaker 1 I don't know if I want to talk to you. Francis' mom.
Sorry. We didn't mean to take your time.
Can you connect us to Francis' mom, please? Absolutely.

Speaker 9 Connecting you now to kimon juan

Speaker 1 every time we can still talk we can ask

Speaker 1 if you got any good questions

Speaker 1 i can see why you stayed here for a thousand years holy shit francis you hear this voice sort of echoing in a void saying uh hello hello Francis's eyes go wide and he like freezes like his mouth looks like it's beginning to open to say something but he's like basically catatonic who's there who's there it's so dark it's so dark and I'm so cold.

Speaker 9 I know someone is there. Just say something.
It's been so long since I've heard anything. Please, please just say something.

Speaker 2 It's Francis.

Speaker 1 Francis is here. Say something, Francis.
Uh, mom? Francis? Oh, baby, you're okay. Nothing good can come of this.
What's going on?

Speaker 9 Where are you?

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm alive.

Speaker 9 Okay,

Speaker 9 the plan. Did it happen? What happened? What's going on?

Speaker 1 I'm going to stop it from happening.

Speaker 1 And I think more to the immediate point, you're dead.

Speaker 1 And dad's like a leather blanket, so he's basically dead too.

Speaker 9 Francis, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 For which part?

Speaker 9 For all of it, Francis, I just, if I had known that this was what it was on the other side, if I had known that this was what it was, I never would have done any of it.

Speaker 1 Then can you tell me anything I can use to stop the bisons seed-bearer ritual? Something that can help me. This is your chance to make it.
Something to help you.

Speaker 9 Something to help you. Something to help you.
There's a secret phrase. A secret phrase that only the top members of the bisons know.
And if you speak it, you can gain passage.

Speaker 9 It's a sort of catch-all phrase to disavow questions, to help you go through. I don't know how long it'll hold.

Speaker 9 I don't know how long they can buy it, but it might be able to, it's the only thing I can think of that maybe be able to help you, okay?

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 9 You have to say, this too shall pass. Francis, I love you.

Speaker 9 And I just want you to know that

Speaker 9 your father and I,

Speaker 9 we wanted the best for you, and we wanted you to grow up strong and brave. And it seemed like maybe that wasn't going to happen for you, and you needed a little push.

Speaker 9 And then one thing led to another, and it led to one mistake after another. And here we are.
I just oh my sweet boy, my sweet boy, I just

Speaker 9 just don't don't hang up yet, okay?

Speaker 9 Just don't hang up. Don't hang up.
I just like

Speaker 9 it's so dark.

Speaker 1 Francis drops the receiver and just sort of walks away. He doesn't even hang out.
Kelsey hangs up and angrily dials Jesus again.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, JC.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, JC. Hey, hey, JC.
What the fuck was that? Hey, we just got a little taste of the afterlife.

Speaker 1 What the fuck was that?

Speaker 1 What the fuck did we just listen to i've read the book quite a few times i gotta say what the fuck is that because i uh uh what was that what was what we just heard what was that

Speaker 1 you should know you should know what we heard

Speaker 9 what was that kelsey do you really think you're speaking to jesus right now

Speaker 1 who who who is she speaking to oh

Speaker 9 you're speaking to the operator my friend yeah and i can put Jesus on.

Speaker 1 Do you hear the sound of like two feet getting put up on a table? Just like boom, boom.

Speaker 9 And the voice says, I'm afraid Jesus is unavailable at the moment.

Speaker 2 What did you do to Jesus?

Speaker 1 Oh, he's fine.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. He's fine.

Speaker 9 He's having a little chat with us up here.

Speaker 1 What? Up there? Up there. Oh, God.
Okay, well, in terms of we wanted to call Jesus to know what the end game was, and it does sound like dying's bad. It sounds like dying sucks.

Speaker 9 Let me give it to you straight. Okay.
Jesus is real, but he can't help you right now.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 That's crazy. In fairness, that explains a lot of the questions we had earlier.
Can you imagine if every homily started with that?

Speaker 9 Now, who else can I, I just, I'm so amused. I'm so amused to hear you guys just scratching out your little plan.
Who else can I connect it to?

Speaker 1 Well, that's a good question. That is a good question.
Anybody still, though, right? Just not Jesus. No, well, I'm going to hear another coin jingle jangle into my little plan.
Yeah, I put one in.

Speaker 1 This is number two. All right.
Well, I really want to see it. And then we put it in.
He goes, oh,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 2 Whatever gets you. What's going on, Jesus?

Speaker 1 Operator?

Speaker 9 The coin gives me a certain amount of satisfaction.

Speaker 1 I don't like that.

Speaker 1 What he's having. Is this the same operator we just talked to?

Speaker 1 Yes, it is.

Speaker 9 I just, now I get to be my true self.

Speaker 1 I'm letting my hair down a little. Okay, anybody have an idea of who they want to talk to? Specifically, it seems like somebody that would know what to do when this demon comes out of this vagina.

Speaker 1 Oh, here's the thing: any of the dead bison members who we've killed, we could probably like trick them. Oh, yeah, wait, isn't Brian's stroke's?

Speaker 1 We have the secret phrase. Yeah, I don't know if we're gonna know if we need anything else.
Yeah, you know what we could do is potentially talk to somebody who knows a lot about like math

Speaker 1 to see like how we could best launch a fireball to ensure that it hits its target. Maybe Stephen Hawking, Stephen,

Speaker 1 wait, you say that again, again.

Speaker 1 Stephen Hawking. He hawks.

Speaker 1 He's the best.

Speaker 1 He was the best thrower in school. And then he...

Speaker 1 Stephen Hawking was the basketball playing math genius at Beachyville High that you used to know? Okay, I guess there were math geniuses before.

Speaker 1 You don't need to, I mean, there was Albert Einstein.

Speaker 1 Who did missiles? Freddie, who's the best mathematician in the fucking 1940s to 1940s? Give me an education role. It was like the guy that like the Safdie brother played in Oppenheimer, I think.

Speaker 1 Or we can, I'm not going to do an education role because I don't know. I will use one.
Connect me to the head of Harvard University. The head of Harvard University? Yep.

Speaker 12 The operator's like, okay, connecting you now. Yes.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 Huh? Hello. Is someone in my head right now?

Speaker 12 Yep.

Speaker 1 Quick question. Yep.
Yep.

Speaker 9 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I'm Kelsey Grammer. I'm a teacher over at the beginning.
Voice in my head.

Speaker 9 Voice, you've reached the brain of Nathan Pusey, president of Harvard from 1953 to some days.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 look, who is going to be the the best at helping us figure out the trajectory of an object flying through space to be as accurate as possible?

Speaker 1 A mathematician, like who would be the best at that, right, Francis? You want to find a way? It's a thought. I don't know.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, I guess we kind of seem like we're going to be on the God train. I'm not going to be a God train still.
Can you just hang up on this guy? Yeah, fuck it.

Speaker 1 That's a coin. You can't wait to see it.

Speaker 9 It sounds like you need a rocket scientist.

Speaker 9 I have a lot of guys I could put you in touch with. There's Werner, of course.
He's a little hard to get a hold of.

Speaker 9 There's Helmut Gottschrup. There's Walter Dornberg.

Speaker 9 There's Von Neumann.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Von Neumann. He'll do it.
Von Neumann loves shit.

Speaker 1 That saves us a coin.

Speaker 9 Oh, yeah. Hold on.
Let me see if I can get him on the phone.

Speaker 1 Beep, boop, boop. But you're in his head.
Yeah, he has a phone next to him. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Relay the following to Van Neumann. You hear him making these calls.
He pages out to his secretary.

Speaker 9 He says, Get me the United States Atomic Energy Commission.

Speaker 1 And the secretary is like, Very good, Mr.

Speaker 9 POC. Beep, boop, doop, boop, beep, boop.

Speaker 1 Hello?

Speaker 9 Hey, it's Pusey over at Harvard. Get me in touch with Von Neumann right away, sir.

Speaker 9 John, Nathan.

Speaker 1 Well, on the other end, you can't quite hear his voice. On the other end, you're like,

Speaker 9 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all great.
Listen, I've got a weird situation on my hands. I got a voice in my head that wants to ask you some questions.

Speaker 1 Hey, that's pretty fucking weird, baby.

Speaker 1 What do you need to know?

Speaker 9 All right, what do you need to know?

Speaker 1 Okay, tell them that the Russians are the ones responsible for that big dick in the sky. And the military is asking for we need to figure out the math if we were to send a projectile from Peachyville.

Speaker 9 to 2Ls at Peachyville?

Speaker 1 Yep. Peachyville.
What's state of Connecticut? Nebraska.

Speaker 1 All the way to that big hole in the sky.

Speaker 1 How fast if you could just do a little quick research paper and send it over to where should we send it? I mean, it's Dr. Doggs in Nebraska.

Speaker 1 Yeah, telegram it. Telegram it.
Yeah, we'll pick it up. Telegram it over at Peachyville's post office and we'll just pick it up.

Speaker 9 Okay, it'll probably get there in, see, a couple of days. Is that good enough?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Emergency. As quickly as possible.

Speaker 1 The Russians are shooting right now. As quickly as possible, do what you can do.
He relays all this information to von Neumann. Okay, here's what we'll say.

Speaker 1 When you connect to Nathan Pusey, time at Harvard slows down and no one quite understands how. And then when he calls Von Neumann, time for von, it's like a little daisy chain effect.

Speaker 1 Time for von Neumann also slows down. So they're now all in the bubble with you without realizing.

Speaker 9 And Von Neumann's like, I see a bird outside the window and it's flapping very, very, very, very slowly. Something remarkable must be happening.
All right, I'm going to think about this.

Speaker 1 So he relays the name. Sleep on it, Von Neumann.
Sleep on it, Von Neumann, is just one of the best jokes I've ever done for you, Neumann heads out there.

Speaker 1 So Von Neumann is going to make a mathematics roll. Hell yeah.
Okay, but like his mathematics.

Speaker 1 He's got a 99 out of 100. So if he fumbles, he's going to have a critical fumble in order to fuck this up.

Speaker 1 He got an 89. So Chris, this is a human for him.
It's a tough question. It's a tough question.
Yeah. So he crunches the numbers for you.

Speaker 1 He relays to you. I'm not going to explain explain it.
I'm not going to play it, but

Speaker 1 he relays essentially like, okay, if you are standing at, and I'm assuming you guys give him the coordinates of where mother is at the center of Peachyville in the town square, if you stand there, he gives you the exact longitude and latitude of where you're going to want to aim to.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And, you know, how high in the sky you're going to want to.

Speaker 1 So you now know the math. Okay.
Whether you can hit that number. Yes.

Speaker 1 If you want to build some device to help you aim in that moment or whatever, but you essentially know like if you're in Peachyville, you want to aim south, south, east at these exact coordinates at this exact angle.

Speaker 1 And if you fire and are able to hit that target, you in theory should be able to hit the thing. Okay.

Speaker 2 You would need almost a robot arm to get that perfect.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Trudy, maybe we can test to see how accurate you are.

Speaker 2 Use Santa's workshop to build the perfect arm.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 I see. I feel like that was my phone call, so I don't know if that was helpful.
Trudy Blake? Yeah, Trudy Blake. Here's some you got you got a coin each.
What we need to do is pretty simple.

Speaker 1 We just got to get there and stab them in the head. So what's going to be the difficulty? Like, do we know, is it up on a stage? Is there, is there something you can climb my knees?

Speaker 1 Is it on a dirt field, in which case, you know, we airdrop in? Like, we just need to figure out what we do.

Speaker 2 We find the doctor that is delivering Zoozel, so to speak, and we replace that person.

Speaker 2 We get in their head and tell them that they're sick, that they can't do it, and that they need to say that we are the replacement.

Speaker 1 Or like when the assistants, they must

Speaker 1 take more than one doctor. Yes.
Yes. John, you know everybody in Project Heartland.
And I do. A lot of those fuckers are probably bisons, right? Oh, I do.
Yeah. Sorry, it's been a while.

Speaker 1 No, it's fine. Yeah, no, it's fine.
Yeah, I can look up some files for you. Again, this is...
Now, I will say, it's been a while. So there's probably a lot of new faces that I'm not familiar with.

Speaker 1 Okay. Since I have, since I left in here, but yes, I do know some of the big names.
I think we only need one. Only one of us needs to get close enough.
Yeah, that's a good idea, Trudy.

Speaker 1 We got to find out who. Do you have any sense of who would be delivering? Because it's not like a normal doctor.
Like, who would be delivering, quote-unquote? Well,

Speaker 1 I don't know specifically, but I do remember a young medical student coming up through our department. I assume

Speaker 1 he gave me the creeps. This guy, he would torture the things we would summon up and do these horrifying vivisections on them.
And I know he kept insisting that we refer to him as Dr. Man.

Speaker 1 And I don't know if Dr. Mann is still working with the bisons, but.
I mean, Dr. Mann, we have a Dr.
Mann. I'd be willing to bet good money that Dr.

Speaker 1 Mann is going to be at the face first into whatever horrifying thing is happening at the climax of that ritual. Okay.
You wouldn't happen to have any like blackmail material on Dr.

Speaker 1 Man just off the top of your head, would you? Sure, no. Probably a bunch.
Huh?

Speaker 2 Probably a bunch. You just said he's got, he gave you the creeps and everything.

Speaker 1 I mean, you know, but I just because someone gives you the creeps doesn't mean you know how to muscle them, you know, and especially, I mean, these, these guys mean business.

Speaker 1 They're, you know, in the middle of trying to save their, I don't know, but that's all I can give you. I want to look at Dr.

Speaker 1 Man's like dossier and see if he has any like kids, any loved ones, any, anything we can use to get leverage on him. Oh, okay, interesting.
All right. So he wobbles over to the person.

Speaker 1 He's got a big sort of filing cabinet with personnel files. You don't have to.
No, that's okay. I've got it.
I'm still spry. And he gives this file on Dr.
Man.

Speaker 1 Now, this is going to be, again, from when I knew him when he was a younger man, but go ahead and skim through it. If you give me an education role, I suppose.
Or give me a psychology role.

Speaker 1 Whatever you want to do to try to figure out how you would pressure this guy. I love psychology.
I got a 74 out of 90.

Speaker 1 It's just like one of those fucking serial killer movies where the profiler intuits from just the pictures of the crime like that the guy is a piano player or whatever you intuit about dr man

Speaker 1 that his his sadism and his propped up confident masculinity is a projection that is rooted in he has some shameful secret there's something about himself that he's deeply embarrassed of but it's not in the dossier it's not in the dossier and you don't know what it is but you do know that about him does also say anything about family wife kids uh he's divorced divorced twice.

Speaker 1 In the 50s. Wow.
And

Speaker 1 he's had a smattering of, you get the feeling that this guy is a bit of a philandering tomcat. He's had his medical profile reveals a certain number of venereal diseases he's caught.
He's a nasty boy.

Speaker 2 I would like to look at the divorced records and see which one of them petitioned for divorce both times.

Speaker 1 Oh, we could call the wife. Yeah, but

Speaker 2 I want to call the one who divorced him, not who he divorced. Yeah, that's fair.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Actually, how did divorce work in the 1950s? I don't even know if women could do it.
Oh, yeah, you're right.

Speaker 1 Most states required a guilty and an innocent spouse, meaning one party had to prove the other's misconduct such as adultery, cruelty, or desertion. Either of them could do that.

Speaker 1 So, yes, you would know that because this was the background file that they had on Dr. Mann when they recruited him, and both times he was at fault.

Speaker 1 What's the name of the wife that was with him for longer? Her name is Chance Boudreaux.

Speaker 1 Wait, why is she called Chance? Because her mama took Because her mama tukwan.

Speaker 1 Hey guys, just so you know, we took a little break and we were talking about the quality 1990s action movie Hard Target, wherein Jean-Claude Van Dam is named Chance Boudreaux.

Speaker 1 Face-off was getting a little too mundane of a reference. Everybody knows about that, but we really had to start picking out some more obscure Jawu movie so we can do it.

Speaker 1 At some point in the future, Broken Arrow. Broken Arrow.
So, okay, so the goal is we're going to call his divorced

Speaker 1 wife and get

Speaker 1 dirt. Okay,

Speaker 1 I'm fine with just getting some dirt on him. Do you know what? If we're getting dirt, we should call whoever the therapist of the stars is and just start people magazine.
Just

Speaker 1 start people magazine.

Speaker 1 Wait, say that again. If we could talk to the therapist,

Speaker 1 why did I make all the celebrities?

Speaker 1 We could get four coins. Lucas, Kelsey Franklin.
Sorry, I'm just saying we could make a lot of money. There's four million celebrities left to get dirt on if we don't fucking solve this problem.

Speaker 1 That's true.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm going to use my coin to call one of the wives.

Speaker 1 To call Chance Boudreaux.

Speaker 2 Boudreaux. To call Chance Boudreaux.

Speaker 1 It will be called Trudy's Magazine TMZ.

Speaker 1 So the operator is like, hello, Trudy. What can I do for you? Hi.

Speaker 2 Here's my coin, and I'd like to speak to Chance.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 9 Okay, who do you want to speak to?

Speaker 1 Chance Boudreaux.

Speaker 9 Chance Boudreaux. Okay.
Beep, beep, boop, beep, connecting you to.

Speaker 1 And then you hear just like a fucking cigarette drag from the inside of someone's fucking face go.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 9 This is Chance Boudreaux.

Speaker 2 Be not afraid, even though I am in your mind. I, too, am a wife,

Speaker 2 and that's kind of all that society thinks of me right now.

Speaker 9 Really, sugar? Now I assume this is because I've got the Bens or something.

Speaker 9 And I'm hearing voices in my head.

Speaker 2 Oh, are you a scuba diver?

Speaker 9 I got the Benz. What is it? The DTs, darling.

Speaker 1 When you bring,

Speaker 9 I've been aching for a bourbon or a mint julep, but I haven't had one in a while because I've been staring at the tip of the cigarette.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to with Kelsey because she knows all about the downers that can help with DTs.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, no, the DTs, you need uppers to balance.
No, no, I don't think so. I don't.
What are DTs? DTs. Deliver tremends from being down.
Yeah. Yeah.
Because alcohol is a downer.

Speaker 2 But if you're withdrawing from alcohol, you need benzo.

Speaker 1 Oh, Beth. Sorry.
You missed what I said. I actually don't know anything about drugs.

Speaker 1 This cunning trap allows you to implicate yourself.

Speaker 9 I think I've had one too many because I'm hearing several women in my head now.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, it's okay. You're okay.

Speaker 2 Everything's fine. I just have a question.
Let me share something about my ex-husband, and then maybe you can share.

Speaker 9 I always love to dish about ex-husbands, even with voices in my head.

Speaker 1 Go ahead, darling.

Speaker 2 Okay, um,

Speaker 2 so my ex-husband, Tucker,

Speaker 2 he snored.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 And it was so embarrassing.

Speaker 9 Oh, dear, you're just a little peach, ain't ya? You're just a little, a little lost lamb in this world full of wolves. And when we make a- Oh, is this my inner child I'm talking to?

Speaker 9 Some innocent part of myself long since burned away?

Speaker 1 I'm not innocent. I've killed people.

Speaker 9 So have I. I've killed men with a look.

Speaker 1 Oh, my mai.

Speaker 2 And you're single now?

Speaker 9 Well, yes, they're dead. Well, they're not dead.
I just, it's just, oh, it's been a long road for Chance Boudreaux. As you well know, my sweet summer innocent child.

Speaker 2 Why don't you tell me about it? The long road. I've got time, believe me.

Speaker 9 Well, let's see. I took my first lover at the tender age of and then we faded out.

Speaker 1 You faded out with

Speaker 1 a bad day.

Speaker 9 And then you stole a kiss from Billy O'Neill at the tender age of eight years old, a little smooch, and that smooch set me on a course.

Speaker 1 How old was him? He was

Speaker 1 him.

Speaker 1 Matt is like really the poet laureate. Don't you ever know what Nobel is? How do I nominate a poet laureate? Beth, how do I nominate? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Beth knows what it's like to be nominate head, not to nominate. We fade out.
Fast forward to where she's like, Dr. Beth.
Two hours later. God damn it.

Speaker 1 Two hours later, you're like just slumped over, barely paying attention now. And she's like.

Speaker 9 and so then he became a state senator, and then I fell for a man named Dr. Man.
Hard as that is to believe.

Speaker 1 We're all asleep in the charge later. We all hear, like, and then he would take demons out of vaginas.

Speaker 1 Wake up, wake up, come back a little bit. Come back, come back, come back.

Speaker 9 And then there was Dr. Man, the seventh man I married.

Speaker 2 Yes, yes, the seventh man.

Speaker 1 Yes. Wow, you're like,

Speaker 1 I'm like, what? I'm like what, Kelsey? He didn't formulate a joke. I was trying to think.
I was going to say, you're like my favorite movie. You're like a big slut.

Speaker 1 They say you have like seven wives for seven brothers, but you're all just, it's just you. Seven wives.
Seven brothers.

Speaker 1 Seven brothers for one wife.

Speaker 1 That's you.

Speaker 1 You're the whole movie. Well, are you kidding me? I'm the whole movie.
I'm the whole movie.

Speaker 9 I'm the whole picture, Sugar. Well, yes, and then there was Dr.
Man. Oh, Lord, what a horribly embarrassing secret he had about himself.

Speaker 2 Could you tell me more about that embarrassing secret?

Speaker 9 Well, you see, the thing to know about Dr. Man is he projects like he's a big, strong man.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 9 But the secret to know about him,

Speaker 5 the thing you really need to know.

Speaker 1 Yes. Now, let's see if I can recall.
Oh, I need to make myself another marquee. Lord of mercy.
And you hear like,

Speaker 1 I'm beginning to get why he divorces her.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 9 The thing you need to know about my husband, my ex-husband, Dr. Mann, is that he has

Speaker 9 testicles

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 9 not to work blue, but the testicles, they go all the way down.

Speaker 2 Yo-yo, testicles!

Speaker 1 Yes, he has.

Speaker 9 It's not that the testicles themselves are particularly large pendulous, that the scrotum goes very far down to his knee thereabouts.

Speaker 1 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 9 And he's very sensitive about that subject. So if you should ever meet him, just be wary.
And there's a reason that he wears extra wide pleated pants so that his testicles can swing free

Speaker 2 if we got a knife and we just stabbed it in the side of his leg we would probably also take his testicles with it yeah it's only our plan though is it

Speaker 1 like shaving him because he's gonna be in the middle of delivering

Speaker 1 try to pretend to be him yeah we're gonna blackmail him into not showing up and then when one of us is gonna take his place with everybody else's like his assistants i guess if we made a fake pair of

Speaker 1 testicles

Speaker 1 what if we got again we're we're blackmailing him with that information. We don't need to have big testicles.
How are we going to get in on that? Yeah, but what were you black? What's happening?

Speaker 2 I've got an idea.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's refocus our plan here. Maybe we should figure out the blueprint of this place we're about to infiltrate.

Speaker 1 Go on. What are you going to say, Trudy?

Speaker 2 Well, carnival rides right now aren't very safe.

Speaker 2 If we got him to go on a tilt-a-whirl, the chances are good that maybe his testicles would get caught up in the machine.

Speaker 1 All that needs to happen is he needs to worry that other people are going to find out about his long balls, which he's insecure about.

Speaker 2 Okay, so I just need to call him and say, hey, we know you got long balls.

Speaker 1 Yes, what is the next step? Mr.

Speaker 2 Long Balls, if you were smart, you wouldn't show up to surgery tomorrow. Okay, good.

Speaker 1 That's for him. What about for us? What do you mean for us? What do we fucking do once we go? We show up in costume.
We, like, get cloaks. They have bags and heads.
We don't need to show our faces.

Speaker 1 I really want to let you guys figure out the plan. I figured out a lot.

Speaker 1 You know, the longer we've tried to think of a plan, the farther away we've got from what we need to do, which is just go to this tent, guns blazing, and stab the baby in the head.

Speaker 1 Far be it from me to try to give a reasonable plan after you guys turned Freddy into a horse.

Speaker 1 Speed, no, say that again. Speed, so this man turned into this animal.
Yeah. Well, then it seems to me he could probably turn into another shape.
Oh, you can turn into Dr. Dog.
Dr.

Speaker 1 Mann, I mean, not Dr. Dog.
We don't need it. Dr.
Mann, you can turn into Dr. Mann.
And now you know that his testicles are big. So like if anybody double checks, boom.
They know it's you.

Speaker 1 They'll watch him get big before they're very big. Don't even give them the option to check, like just wear short pants.
Yeah. But again, nobody knows about it.
That's his shame. Oh.

Speaker 1 Okay. You're right.
So it's good that we know about that.

Speaker 1 Oh, so that he won't show up. Yes.

Speaker 1 Am I insane?

Speaker 1 No, I think for once me and the boy understand. And I'm a little shocked that the rest of you haven't picked up this situation.
So we call Dr. Mann.
We tell him to stay over.

Speaker 1 We're going to tell every single bison that he's got long, droopy ball sack. Dr.

Speaker 1 Mann's really lacking in self-confidence if somebody telling him if he's gonna not show up for the most important day of his life, he's a man, Kelsey.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna tell you a little something about men. Okay, see no more.
So, is the last coin gonna be? The last coin, Dr. Dr.
Mann, Dr. Mann, we shall start by all giggling.

Speaker 1 Like, the first thing you should hear is a bunch of women giggling at it. Yeah, that's really good.

Speaker 1 Specifically, you two. This is not the women giggling.
All right, he's gonna turn his call.

Speaker 1 Who's making the call? I will make the call. Are we sure we want this to be Freddy? Oh, someone else is the coin.

Speaker 1 It's his coin. It's his coin.
I'm just saying, Mr. Ah, Ah, you want to throw the ball as hard as you can to lose the bowling game.
We all get a turn, Francis. We're all doing our best.

Speaker 1 All right. Okay.

Speaker 2 Call him Droopy when you're on the phone.

Speaker 1 Yeah, say Mr. Droopy.
Yes. Hello, who is this? You hear the voice of the operator.
It does not matter who it is. What matters is what's

Speaker 1 most pendulously between your legs. I said,

Speaker 1 I'm the operator. I don't have any equipment down here.
Just warming up. Please connect us to Dr.
Man. You got it.

Speaker 1 Why didn't you come?

Speaker 1 Why didn't who are you? You didn't make the noise. Oh, oh,

Speaker 1 refractory, period.

Speaker 9 You know, I can't do it too many times in a row. It loses its specialness.

Speaker 1 That's pretty wise.

Speaker 1 And then you hear just like the sound of like a knife being sharpened, and you're just like,

Speaker 1 hmm, someone, someone in there?

Speaker 1 Who's in my head? Weird balls.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, weird balls?

Speaker 1 Weird balls.

Speaker 1 Weird balls.

Speaker 1 What's up, Droopy? Droopy. Weird balls.

Speaker 9 It's just negative self-talk, Dr. Man.
Remember what...

Speaker 9 Remember what your life coach told you? It's just don't listen to the negative self-talking.

Speaker 1 Negative self-talk. It's okay.

Speaker 1 Did your life coach

Speaker 1 balls? Huh? Do you tuck them in your socks? Did your life coach tell him, or did you even not tell him?

Speaker 9 I told my life coach, and you know that, and it was a big step for me.

Speaker 1 Whenever you get a pair of shorts for a Christmas, do you have to pretend you like them and then you're going to wear them knowing that you never will? Do your balls.

Speaker 1 Shame leave bald idiot. Are you taking yourself?

Speaker 1 It must be hard walking slowly so that the momentum of your pendulous balls do not get in the way of your gait. Is Christmas hard because

Speaker 1 stockings remind you of your balls?

Speaker 9 I recognize that I have shame about my long balls.

Speaker 1 Tomorrow

Speaker 1 they will show everyone.

Speaker 1 Tonight, everyone will show. What do you mean tonight?

Speaker 9 It's a who is this?

Speaker 1 Wait a second.

Speaker 1 Everyone is going to show their balls tonight.

Speaker 9 That's not true.

Speaker 1 Who is this?

Speaker 9 I know that that's not true.

Speaker 1 They're trying to surprise you. It's going to be...
This is a trap. They're going to

Speaker 1 secretly. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 That's insane. We are the guttural screams, and we can speak in your mind.

Speaker 1 And that means if you don't stay home, we'll speak in the mind of every single other bison and give them a very detailed description of what your long, droopy scrotum looks like.

Speaker 9 But what what do you what how do you how do you how are you in my mind how wait a second what's going on

Speaker 1 she talked to your ex-wife

Speaker 1 yeah that one the one that knows about your balls the other one you never showed

Speaker 1 how did he know i never showed the other one my balls that's why that was what that was

Speaker 1 if you look they got an annulment because they never had sex on their honeymoon night because he was too scared

Speaker 1 like a canary

Speaker 2 she told us all the other stuff too yeah she said you couldn't walk their dog because you were too busy walking the dog

Speaker 1 that's exactly how she'd put it give me a bald spot and you snore and have a tiny dick

Speaker 1 and your podcast isn't that

Speaker 1 what's that now you got that was she's confusing me with her ex-husband their other ex-husband matt arnold

Speaker 1 yes nice get him had to say i enjoyed his films i did it film

Speaker 1 film can i fast sorry you're gonna like not do it anymore give me

Speaker 1 intimidation's a skill right i don't know it's been doing this for two fucking years intimidation is a skill which one of us has the highest intimidate I have 45. I have a pretty low NFI.
42. 15.

Speaker 2 15. Okay.

Speaker 1 I feel like a smart woman should always get advantage on intimidation against. You are going to get intimidation because you invoke the name of Chance Boudreaux.

Speaker 1 None of the ball stuff, just the Chance Boudreaux stuff. The ball wall.
I mean, yes, you're leaning on him. You have intimidation because of that.

Speaker 1 And I think let's do the rest of you can assist her role.

Speaker 2 49 is my first role, and I have 45 intimidate. So that is a failure.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 So I'm going to reroll the first number. It's a zero.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you've got a nine. You got a nine.
Yeah. All right.
So that's like an extreme success. He hangs himself by his balls.

Speaker 1 Do your balls hang low?

Speaker 1 Matt. Matt.

Speaker 1 If you're thinking about hanging yourself by your balls, call 988.

Speaker 2 Tomorrow needs you.

Speaker 1 If you think it's going to make your orgasm a little bit better,

Speaker 1 it probably will. It probably will.
But at what cost? Give me like the last kill shot, Beth. Like, what is the last thing you say to him? Oh.

Speaker 9 Because he's like, you're not going to convince me. Hey, I'm a big, strong man, and I'm a big, proud member of the Bisons.

Speaker 9 And they accept me for who I am, even though I haven't told them everything about myself.

Speaker 1 Proud member.

Speaker 1 That's it. Proud member.
You say,

Speaker 1 fine. I hate you.

Speaker 9 Stop. Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it.

Speaker 7 Stop it. Stop it.

Speaker 1 Stop it. Stop it.
And he starts hitting himself in the head so hard that he knocks himself out. Oh, cool.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Now we got to figure out how to replace well we just turn it into a documentary yes no problem all i need to do is cast this spell and have a perfect image of him in my mind what does he look like oh there's a picture of him in his dossier it's a little bit old but it still looks like him yes it is a younger version of him but you've heard his voice and you have his picture and he probably ostensibly in theory would be wearing like a bison mask while he's going into this yeah yeah we're all gonna be wearing bison masks for sure he did a lot of those four phone calls you guys you guys learned a lot about the world yeah four phone calls one full episode there is one thing i was hoping to.

Speaker 1 Well, I was saving this one for myself.

Speaker 1 Saving what? The last thing you need to do is take the sword out. And when you do, that's going to be a picture wrap on old John Grammar.

Speaker 1 Now, before I do that, I was going to make one last call with this. And he pulls out.
He's got one more coin. But I want to give it to you guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're pretty good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I have one idea. Oh, okay.
I want to suggest. It strikes me that you may have some lingering pain, lingering trauma from all the horrible sights you've seen.

Speaker 1 There might be some phobias you've picked up that might keep you from doing things that you might need to do that would be helpful for it to you. Blake.

Speaker 1 Now, in the rules of Call of Cthulhu, it says that you can go consult a psychotherapist. The therapist of the stars.

Speaker 1 To allie yourself of any traumas you've encountered. Now, I only have one coin left, but if one of you has something that you wish to let go of, then this would be your opportunity.

Speaker 1 And again, you could talk to any psychotherapist you want. Can we talk to a psychotherapist that does group sessions?

Speaker 1 I suppose you could try to convince one of them to do group sessions. Yeah.
You have to name them. You have to say who you want to call.
But here it is. And he puts the coin down.

Speaker 1 So mechanically, only one of us has a trauma that affects our gameplay. No, I have one too.
Oh, what is it? I can't sin. Oh, yeah.
So I can't murder somebody.

Speaker 1 I can only kill them in self-defense kind of thing. I mean, that kind of full-package deal with everything we're doing right now.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But, like, we're going to murder people that we're like, we're going to strike first, and I can't do that. Okay.
Yeah, that's good. We have group session.
That's a good idea.

Speaker 1 We could just pick a dead psychotherapist because they don't have any leverage, really. This is going to be the only time they talk to people in a long time.

Speaker 2 But it's the 50s. Psychotherapy is changing all the time.

Speaker 1 You're right. Yeah, it's pretty good now.

Speaker 1 You want it now? Yeah. Yeah.
Is it? I think back then we would say, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Compared to previously, yeah, you're totally right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We don't want to talk to somebody who just tells us to like balance our humors. Who would you like to talk to? Sigmund Freud,

Speaker 1 maybe? Freud is dead. He died in 1939.
Fantastic.

Speaker 1 Don't that's even better.

Speaker 2 Who's right after Freud?

Speaker 1 Carl Jung, is that who you're talking about? We call Fraser Crane.

Speaker 1 I'm listening. Your secret lost brother, Frasier Crane.
Yeah, it is.

Speaker 2 It is. Yeah, his protege, yeah.

Speaker 1 Carl Jung Young. Young.
I believe was alive at this time.

Speaker 2 Jungian.

Speaker 1 Can't talk now. We're talking to Kiera Knightley.
We're spanking Kieran Knightley.

Speaker 1 what

Speaker 1 a dangerous method is all about carl jung's afforded affair

Speaker 1 with his he has taken up with one of his patients vital mortinson plays carl young spanking me

Speaker 1 that's pretty good that did the kara nightly teeth thing pretty good we do it again wait

Speaker 1 again wait do it again no i can't now

Speaker 1 spanking me

Speaker 1 You looked exactly like that's insane. Do you want to talk to Sigmund Freud? No, the best.
Do you want to Sigmund Freud or Carl Jung? The best group therapist.

Speaker 2 I think Jung took what Sigmund Freud was doing and really evolved the

Speaker 1 sound on it, you know? He kind of made it less about mom fucking. Yeah.
Okay, he died in 1961 in

Speaker 1 Switzerland, so he's still alive.

Speaker 1 Also, he's very old. Yes, he was 85.
So yeah, you're getting him right at the end. Some of his theories have been criticized for lacking a strong scientific basis and containing racist ideas.

Speaker 1 Doesn't matter. Well, the racist part matters, but the first part doesn't matter.
The operator's like, operator. Oh, hey, you got one more.

Speaker 9 One more. You know, it's been just long enough since your last call.
I could really use a taste of that coin. Who do you want me to connect you to?

Speaker 2 Carl Jung!

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 9 connecting.

Speaker 1 And then you hear. I hate that guy.

Speaker 9 I hate that guy.

Speaker 1 He fucking sucks. And then you hear the unmistakable sound of like cows mooing in the Swiss Alps.
And hello? Hello, Dr. Young.

Speaker 9 Ah, the voice. of my imagination.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 9 The collective unconscious is calling me one last time.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 This isn't about you.

Speaker 9 It never is, my dear. The collective unconscious is about all of us, the human symbols that go deep into antiquity.

Speaker 1 Throughout your life, you have striven to solve the greatest challenges of the human mind, have you not?

Speaker 9 Indeed, and I also built a really cool little house out of stones

Speaker 1 in my backyard. You should be proud of that.
You should go visit it. Speaking of challenges,

Speaker 1 the incredible challenge would be to solve the trauma within your own mind from a group consciousness that you do not even remember.

Speaker 9 Ah, yes, I like this. Ah, yes.
The anima calls to me.

Speaker 12 The anima.

Speaker 9 Oh, the anima and animus. The anima calls to me with a challenge.

Speaker 1 What about the anime?

Speaker 9 The anime. Say that again.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, who wants to go first with the trauma?

Speaker 2 Blake, you want to start? Blake, start.

Speaker 1 Guns scare me now.

Speaker 9 Ah, the part of myself that is scared of guns.

Speaker 1 You see,

Speaker 9 guns are a symbol of masculine potency. So if you are scared of guns, you are scared of your own ding-dong, my son.
But your own ding-dong is nothing to fear.

Speaker 9 Do not let your ding-dong be something that you fear, that it is a beautiful part of the human body.

Speaker 1 Everything makes it.

Speaker 9 The phallus is a symbol of not only of death and destruction, but of life, of creation.

Speaker 1 I'm now both good and also I can now pretend to be the guy with the big balls better.

Speaker 1 Nice.

Speaker 12 I call on you to embrace your phallus.

Speaker 1 Okay, we're good. We're good.
Move on.

Speaker 9 This is pretty easy.

Speaker 9 Who else is in there? The id, the ego?

Speaker 1 I'm probably id, I would say.

Speaker 9 Yes, talk to me, my song.

Speaker 1 It's your boy.

Speaker 1 My song.

Speaker 1 My Carl song.

Speaker 1 It's a main man id on the mic.

Speaker 1 So I can't sin anymore because I feel like I've done too much wrong in the world. Like I put too much darkness into it.
But I know that to move forward, sinning is inevitable.

Speaker 1 And to deny that would be to like deny myself and destroy myself. But I can't do it right now.
I feel like it's impossible for me to sin.

Speaker 9 Ah, I speak now to the key archetype of myself, the persona, the mask, the role we present to the outside world. Ah, my son, this is a heavy burden you bear.
It is as you say.

Speaker 9 We must reach a status of equanimity. Good, evil, these are all concepts that are created by man to describe human behavior.
But we are all ourselves at the end of this day, you see.

Speaker 1 Oh, you see. So, boy, you fucking good, my dude just be yourself and it's okay nothing after death so sinning you strike me as that doesn't really you

Speaker 9 strike me as one what do you mean there's nothing after death no no no no don't worry about that okay uh you strike me as

Speaker 1 an endless void where you

Speaker 9 sorry what what was that who says nothing nothing nothing you strike me as one who there's a great burden on you to be

Speaker 9 a certain way in the world there are people with expectations for you roles you are you maybe have failed to fill you view this with a source of shame.

Speaker 1 There used to be people with expectations, yeah.

Speaker 9 Well, they are not here anymore.

Speaker 1 Who wants to go next? John?

Speaker 9 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This is important.
They are not here anymore.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. Well, then, you're free.

Speaker 9 You're free to be yourself, to let the beautiful flower bloom, to blossom. And it strikes me that maybe this fear of sin is really the fear of becoming who you are supposed to be.

Speaker 9 It's the individuation process, embracing the self. That is what you fear, not sin.
And I say to you, it is okay, because you're beautiful, my son, like the flower in the fields.

Speaker 1 Francis is gonna go sit down like Shinji.

Speaker 1 Wait, which

Speaker 1 is a lot. You gotta be very specific about what Shinji says.

Speaker 1 Shinji doubled over, hands on his head. Okay.

Speaker 9 Anyone else? Is there any other voices in there that would like the wisdom of Carl Gong?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 9 A female voice, the anima, the inner female part of the world.

Speaker 1 It's not an enema.

Speaker 9 It's the inner female part of my psyche. Yes, speak, child.
Or, lady, rather, you're not a child. You're a bewitching figure, an archetype.
Yes, go.

Speaker 2 It's interesting that you mentioned child, because that's my question. Is I

Speaker 2 have done wrong by my child, and now he is becoming a man. Yes, yes.
And I

Speaker 1 am

Speaker 2 worried that now he is making his own decisions, and I guess I realize he can truly decide to not forgive me.

Speaker 2 And that scares me.

Speaker 9 This is true. All you say is true.

Speaker 2 How can I go on loving somebody so much if I know they might never trust me or love me?

Speaker 9 Ah, but that is the nature of love. We cannot control those who we love.
We humans barely control ourselves. The beauty of love is in its vulnerability.

Speaker 9 If there was no chance to get hurt, it would not be love, my dear.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 And there's a big chance to get hurt here because we're kind of trying to save the world.

Speaker 9 Indeed, indeed. And there's

Speaker 9 well, yes, I practice a type of psychotherapy known as the yes and school, where whatever is told to me, I say yes and. And I say yes, and there is a chance for you to get hurt.

Speaker 9 There's a chance for this boy you love, your son, to get hurt. Yes.

Speaker 1 And I can fly.

Speaker 9 And you sure, yes, that seems like it might ruin the scene, but I'll go along with it because it would be worse.

Speaker 9 See, I accept you.

Speaker 9 Even though you said something stupid that I disagree with, I accept you and I embrace it.

Speaker 12 You must yes and your son.

Speaker 9 Whatever your son is going through, say yes and.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 9 Do you know what it is like for someone to want you to be only a specific type of person?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 9 Then don't do that to him.

Speaker 9 If he hates you, let him hate you. If he loves you, let him love you.
That is love.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 9 All right. I feel like there's one more person in here.

Speaker 1 No, that's okay. I can talk to you.

Speaker 1 Kelsey, go on. I mean, I want to talk to my brother.
Oh, okay. Hi.
Yeah, you see me. Hi.

Speaker 9 Hey, who's this?

Speaker 1 It's Kelsey.

Speaker 9 What are you wearing, Kelsey? Okay.

Speaker 1 Hi. Turn up the phone.
Turn up the phone.

Speaker 1 You're out of calls. You're out of call, Bat.
You are all absolved of your phobias. Oh, then Freddie.
Yes, this is what I was going to do. You feel a weight lifting off of your shoulders.

Speaker 1 And a new weight dropping my balls lower. You sure,

Speaker 1 sure.

Speaker 1 You feel a weight dropping off of your balls and your shoulders, and you feel a knowledge emerge in your brain, and you hear a voice in your brain saying,

Speaker 1 Hello, Blake, my boy. Ah, you have a coin.
Oh, no. Remember, I, Amberster, your old friend?

Speaker 1 I knew that deep down, some part of you still yearned for the knowledge. And I see that you have given up your phobia, which means you are ready.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I kept these warm for you, buddy.

Speaker 1 The two guys on your hands.

Speaker 1 Your eyes go wide, and Emberster says, the real secret of gun kata is that it was in you all along.

Speaker 1 And you now have the gun kata, Freddy. I'm adding that to my weapons under combat.
You have special gun kata skills, which we will get into when you start gun kata-ing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was why we went on this whole long detour in the very first place. I wanted to give you gunk.

Speaker 1 I got gun kata. And you have the two guns.
Two guns. I just have 16 Derringers.
Somehow.

Speaker 1 You and Kelsey look at each other and you realize that like the two of you under because Kelsey Kelsey knows a first time. Everyone chapter.
Ah, but it is only the beginning of a great journey.

Speaker 1 It was the middle chapter. Oh, it was about hallways.

Speaker 1 I missed a lot of the first part. Oh, shit.
The first part is very important. The hallways chapter builds upon all the first bits.
I feel so bad that Kelsey's not going to get her hallway fight.

Speaker 1 I mean, I still got 16 Deringers, and I got a sword.

Speaker 1 I like cleaning a sword screen. So while you guys have been doing this, you've been hearing like drilling and banging and bonging coming out of the Santa's workshop santa's workshop

Speaker 1 little elf comes out

Speaker 1 we're gonna give john a mechanical repair role to see how good the thing he builds for truthy is uh pretty good i'm gonna give you a little creative puzzle to do beth because this is your character i've never seen best look more excited she lost creative puzzles you have the base of this tricycle thing okay and then he extracted all the pieces of dynamite for you guys you have five big explosives and he was able to gather let's say in working order four arms, three legs.

Speaker 1 You can arrange them and interface them with this tripod, however you wish.

Speaker 2 I think what it's gonna be: so the tripod is on the bottom with two legs planted human style into the tripod, just so like Trudy's super tall. But then she also has a third leg sticking out in front,

Speaker 2 like a gun, but it's a little bit more under the gun or like under the gun to level the gun.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay, cool.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then the four arms, I think they're all going to come out of her back so that she's protected from the back.

Speaker 1 She's like a stegosaurus. She's got like a dock hawk sort of like forearm back.
So it's like a head on legs on a tripod with guns and then like four arms. That's fucking sick.
Okay, great.

Speaker 1 That's so fucking weird. I love it.
He comes out with this sort of like mech to center your head on and says like, well, go ahead, take her for a spin. Wow.

Speaker 2 This is awesome.

Speaker 1 And then yeah, he parks you on top and

Speaker 1 So yes, you now have this sort of like hideous monstrous robot body cobbled together out of your spare parts. I'm beautiful.
You're all re-upped on hit points. You're all you're all back at full HP.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because then Blake is going to wake up as Doctor Man. Yeah, Trudy has her new body.
Blake, you're going to go ahead and cast body warping of Gorgoroth one more time? Well, I guess.

Speaker 1 I mean, you don't need to fully de-horse, right? You can go straight from one form. Yes, that's true.
That's true. I got Casset for 1d6 plus four minutes, six magic points in each point of size.

Speaker 1 The idea is that we're getting all healed up before we go out for this. Yes, presumably you're

Speaker 1 reconstructing the space. As you are turning into Dr.
Man, everybody else, you are back at full HP.

Speaker 1 JRPG, there's a little crystal on a pedestal and you touch it and you get all your sky. You lose a little sanity because once again, I'm changing again.
So that gets too sandy.

Speaker 1 You now find yourselves assembled, a new team with Dr. Man standing, sort of young-looking Dr.
Man and weird robot Trudy and the two of you ready to go out and kick ass.

Speaker 1 John says, well, it seems like you have everything you need. There's just, there's one last thing you need to do to take the sword out.
I mean, you've got to take out the hangnail.

Speaker 1 You can't go out without this. And it's going to be, unfortunately, that's going to be a, that's going to be picture wrap for me.
Blake and Trudy, let's only give Kelsey a minute here.

Speaker 1 You could take as long as you need, you know, before that. No.

Speaker 1 Okay, John. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I don't know. I wish it was better than that.
I wish, look, I'm sorry. No, you don't have to.
Honestly, I

Speaker 1 look, I mean,

Speaker 1 I don't know what you want me to say.

Speaker 1 There is nothing to say. I'm but a blip to you.
You've lived a thousand years. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Speaker 1 if you cared enough,

Speaker 1 you learned all this stuff, but did you learn what I did after you died? Did you learn what mom and dad did? Why they went to Florida? What's your sister's doing?

Speaker 1 No, and I get it, but this is where we are now. And I've, I want you.

Speaker 1 This feels like what you needed and what you wanted to do, but I've, I've already grieved you. And you're not.
I love you, John.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I wish you wanted to learn more about us when you didn't die. I,

Speaker 1 sis, I just...

Speaker 1 I had a chance to see the universe. I took it.
I thought if anyone would understand, it would be you. I do.

Speaker 1 Doesn't change where we are now, does it? I mean, what did you, you came back and saved my life. You went through time to save my life for what?

Speaker 1 With this incredible gift, and you just wanted me to throw it away? I don't understand. No, I'm going to try to save the world, and you're part of the reason

Speaker 1 it's going to happen.

Speaker 1 So I think you're very brave, John. And your little sis is going to try to pick up where you left off.
And if I don't make it, maybe I'll see you. Maybe I'll see you again.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 look,

Speaker 1 I'm not good at. I'm not good.

Speaker 1 It was a hard choice when I made the choice that led me here.

Speaker 1 And I am ashamed to say that the one place in all of reality and realities that I couldn't bear to look was back here in this world to be there, to even just to see it, even if I couldn't do anything to see it.

Speaker 1 We've got a second. Do you want to, can you catch me up?

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm going to die here. Can you at least, can you catch me up on what happened with you and Roz and mom and dad? How about?

Speaker 1 And then I said, there's nothing in my naughty pockets, but they're still in my good pocket

Speaker 1 where I bring out my favorite book.

Speaker 1 And I go, John, there's now's,

Speaker 1 you know how it is. I don't know how long it's going to take, but can we just sit and could you read one last time to me?

Speaker 1 Maybe even Francis, I don't know if you've heard Velveteen Rabbit, but you're so, I think that would be nice. When was the last time you've read this?

Speaker 1 It's been a minute. Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 And then I'm going to pull the sword out. Okay.
And then I'm just going to hold his hand and read with him until he dies. As you pull the hangnail out, it's longer than it should be.

Speaker 1 It seemed like it might just be a dagger, but it's like about the size of like a scimitar as this thing comes edging out of his chest as he's the most neon Genesis Evangelion fucking shit.

Speaker 1 And its blade is twisted and jagged and a darker black than anything you've ever seen before. I look at Blake, a soldier, and I hand it to him.

Speaker 1 There once was a velveteen rabbit, and in the beginning he was really splendid. He was fat and bunchy, as a rabbit should be.
His coat was brown and white.

Speaker 1 He had real thread whiskers, and his ears were lined up with pink satin.

Speaker 1 On Christmas morning, when he wedged in the top of the boy's stocking with a sprig of holly between his paws, the effect was charming.

Speaker 1 As the tip leaves John, and you see, like this bile kind of spill forth from his chest with his last words, he locks eyes with you, Kelsey, and he says, Good luck, sis. I love you, John.

Speaker 1 I love you too. I'll

Speaker 1 see you around.

Speaker 1 And he's dead. I kiss John on the forehead and I turn back to the guttural scream.
And I say, let's not make it that he died for nothing. Let's do this.

Speaker 2 Let's get this butter.

Speaker 1 Let's get this fucking butter. Let's get this butter.
In this episode.

Speaker 1 Mother, mother, fear me.

Speaker 1 I am the broken sky.

Speaker 1 All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

Speaker 1 in a world that lies twisted in my mind. And now I'm gone.

Speaker 1 All that

Speaker 1 Thanks so much for listening.

Speaker 1 We are rounding the corner on the end of season three, so there's no better time than right now to sub up on our Patreon where you'll find our after shows, our extra shows, our live shows, our bonus shows, as well as Discord access, hangouts, and so much more.

Speaker 1 Patreon.com slash dungeonsandads for all the details in celebration of Halloween.

Speaker 1 Matt and I recently sat down with Beth to play one of our favorite horror games of all time, Eternal Darkness, on the GameCube. And to make it extra scary, there was no memory card.

Speaker 1 Patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

Speaker 1 Also, while you're at it, nailhouse.film, to get exclusive movie merch and directly contribute to Matt and my next martial arts action comedy feature film, nailhouse.film. Links in the description.

Speaker 1 Dungeons and Dads is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar. Anthony Birch is Francis Farnsworth.
Will Campos is RDM. Beth May as Trudy Trout and myself, Freddie Wong as Blake Lively.

Speaker 1 Our theme song is The Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller. Anissa Omeran is our content producer.
Ash Nicola is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator.

Speaker 1 Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor.
Travis Reeves, Omar Romolino, and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing. Remember that Patreon I mentioned earlier?

Speaker 1 That's how this show gets made. So shout out to these patrons: Gran Aryx, Brady Hess, J.R.

Speaker 1 Brabson, Alan Miller, Jared Daniels, Nate Jensen, Dan Lachlan, Olivia Elliuson, Stacey, Rex, Joseph Ramirez, Victor Norland, Jack-a-Lack, M. Hansen, Graham Jones, Christy Brood, M.

Speaker 1 Hans, Mateus, Brie White, and Nikki Zinn. Get more audio and visual content and support us directly on Patreon at patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads.

Speaker 1 Merchant more at dungeonsandaddies.com and our next episode, November 18th. We'll see you then.

Speaker 1 All that I can see is a hole in the stars,

Speaker 1 swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Speaker 1 Too far, too far away

Speaker 1 that I'll stay

Speaker 1 today.

Speaker 1 All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Speaker 1 Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Speaker 1 Too far, too far away.

Speaker 1 But I'll stay

Speaker 1 today.

Speaker 1 Here's basically where I want to start diverging. Divergent.

Speaker 1 Why do we do that?

Speaker 1 No, no, me neither.