The Areas Tour - Live in Indianapolis 6/4/24

Does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just speaking into the void?

But with LinkedIn ads, you can know you're reaching the right decision makers, a network of 130 million of them, in fact.

You can even target buyers by job title, industry, company, seniority, skills, and did I say job title?

See how you can avoid the void and reach the right buyers with LinkedIn ads.

Spend $250 on your first campaign and get a free $250 credit for the next one.

Get started at linkedin.com/slash campaign.

Terms and conditions apply.

Hey, folks, Freddie here.

We've had some of the team, myself among them, dealing with some health issues these past couple of weeks.

Like, I think I had COVID for a bit.

I can still smell and taste, but dang, I was tired.

Anyway, season three will continue on our next episode.

In the meantime, we wanted to give you a little taste of the incredible time we had doing live shows earlier this year on the Dungeons and Daddies Areas tour.

So, you're about to hear our show in Indianapolis.

Now, Theater of the Mind is all well and good, but if you want Theater of the Eyes, if you want to see us on stage, the video of this show is available to all Patreon supporters at any level right now on our Patreon.

There's a few other live shows on there as well, so peep those, as well as a slew of extra bonus content, one-shots, amazers, you know, the drill.

That's at patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

And European listeners, still tickets available for the European tour at the beginning of October, dungeonsandages.com slash live for more info on that.

Thanks for listening.

Thank you for listening to the spiel.

at the beginning of the podcast.

Hate it when my podcast does spiel at the beginning.

Anyway, thanks, everybody.

We'll be back with more season three in two weeks.

In the meantime, enjoy Dungeons and Daddies live from Indianapolis.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

And this is a live show.

So who knows what's gonna

happen?

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage for the first time Will Campos

He's just a cool guy you can toss the ball around the wood.

Let's hear it for Mel

Everybody's favorite.

You already know who I'm talking about.

Let's give it up one more time for Beth May

And last but not least, the most electrifying DM in the Dungeons and Dragons game.

Let's hear it for Emmanuer.

I'm Freddie Wong, and we're here to rock your pants off

using the the improvised dice mechanics of the game Dungeons and Dragons.

Hello, everybody.

Good evening, Indianapolis!

And welcome to Dungeons and Daddies Live, the area's tour.

We've been all up and down the Midwest, but what a crowd, what a welcome.

It's very loud.

You are all very loud.

You know that?

My name is Freddie Wong.

I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bar dad of the podcast.

Today's Glenn Fact.

You see,

Glenn is a huge, Glenn close trio, huge in the Minneapolis indie scene.

Indianapolis.

Sorry, the Indianapolis.

No one heard.

No one heard.

No one heard it.

Back it up.

Back it up.

We got a Dungeons and Daddies.

Indianapolis scene.

And by that, And by that, we mean, of course, the indie scene in Annapolis,

Maryland.

Good save.

Good save.

Good save.

But you know what?

But he does know someone from Indiana.

His weed dealer, this guy named Gary, Indiana.

He's a real sleazeball.

Real sleazeball, old Gary.

You can always trust on him to do illegal shit.

Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold.

I play Daryl Wilson, the stay-at-home coach dad of the group.

I gotta be honest, they were saying you guys are allowed, but I don't know if it's the tall ceilings or it's just my age, but honestly, you guys, I've been hearing you're the mellowest crowd, and I gotta say, it sounds like it.

It sounds like it.

Can you?

Yeah, come on, let's hear it.

Let's hear it.

Come on,

there you go.

Anyways, little Daryl Facto, the reason he loves this city is because it's nap town and how mellow you all are.

It's very nice, very nice and chill.

Nice little quiet town.

He takes a nap here on road trips, and everything closes at seven.

It's wonderful.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Will Campos.

I play Henry Oak.

Woo!

Henry's a crunchy, munchy, Birkenstock, rocket, hippie, nature, druid, dad.

Fun fact about, ooh, okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

My goodness.

My Henry fact this week for you all and for you out there and for anyone listening at home.

There's no, no one's listening at home.

Nobody.

Henry is a big, big fan of Notre Dame football.

Wait, for him.

Wait, wait, wait.

He does pronounce it Notre Dame

and he does think it's the other type of football, like soccer.

He's a fan of the French national soccer team, is what I'm saying.

And you might be asking yourself, well, wait a second, I thought Henry canonically hates French people.

That's true.

The only people he hates more are University of Michigan.

Fuck you of him.

Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Ron Sampler.

Emotionally detached stepfather and rogue.

Fun fact about Ron.

Ron's favorite place,

favorite state, favorite area, whatever you might call it,

absolutely Indiana.

Because he found out recently that

over 50% of your cropland is porn.

Oh,

he still likes it.

Hi, I'm Anthony.

Hi, I'm Anthony Burch.

I'm your dad.

Hi, Dad.

My dad fact for this show is this is the fourth show

on our tour, and the previous three sucked ass.

They did.

We really shit the bed.

Well, it's not so much that we shit the bed so much as the cities we were in shit the bed.

But tonight, we are in Indianapolis, Indiana, the greatest city in the world.

Okay, so we're here to play something like Dungeons and Dragons.

What we are going to do is, there are six different modules that I have laid out on this table.

I've prepared these beforehand, and we are going to rely on you, the audience, and random chance

to determine which of these six we do.

So starting with Freddie, if we roll a one, what are we going to play?

If we roll a one, or if you roll a one, we are going to play

actual D and D.

No!

Boo!

No!

I knew you were a sick fuck, but I had no idea.

That's the first boo we've gotten other than when one likes a pun.

If you roll a two, we will be playing Ocean's Dad Levin.

Yeah, that's good.

If you roll a three, we will be playing Jordassic Park.

If we roll a four, we will be playing Dads Against Humanity.

If you find folks roll a five, we will be playing the great dad bait.

Like debate.

Oh, yeah, that's not just us jerking each other off for 90 minutes.

The great dad bait.

No, no, no, no, the great dad bait.

Or can we?

If we roll a six, we will be playing Call of Daddy.

Yeah.

If we get that one, you're getting a whole new Freddy tonight.

I literally, the entire time I was writing that, I was like, this is just for Freddy.

There's five of us on stage, but it's just going to be Freddy's show.

Wait, so is that like a pun of Call of the Wilds?

Call of Duty.

Call of Duty.

Oh.

The video game.

I wish there were more wolves on this show.

No.

So in addition to the decision you're about to make with the dice, you also have one more big job tonight.

And that is, anytime a roll doesn't go the way that you wanted it to go, you as a hive mind, as a crowd, are all going to collectively decide to give inspiration to the person who rolled, let them roll again.

And the way you're going to signal that is by all together going, inspiration,

inspiration,

inspiration.

Those.

Nope.

Nope.

Whoever

out of here kick them out.

You should be happy you're not in.

Are you in this university?

Because you should not be.

Just three.

If any of you make a sound for the fourth one, you don't get inspiration.

We end the show immediately.

High stakes.

Okay.

Oh, it's we should say you get to do that one time.

One time.

Yeah, sorry.

It's only once.

One per city, and none of the other cities have used it well.

No.

So you, but Indy, I'm feeling good.

I feel like this is going to be the night.

It saves our money.

Yeah.

Hold on, hold on.

That's a six.

Oh,

Daddy.

Daddy.

No, you can't take this from Freddie now.

You would break his heart.

I'm still going to pretend it was called the Wild.

Sorry, got to respect Glenn to be a tier one operator.

Okay, so let's see what I do.

And just canonically, where are we in the middle?

Canonically, which Call of Duty game does this take place in?

Is this has Makarov returned?

It's between Modern Warfare 2 and 3, after No Russian, before Makarov gets hanged by Captain Price, our favorite character in the history of fiction.

Oh, okay.

Is this really quick?

Is this just a show for 20 of you now?

Okay.

Quick whoop whoop for the militarization of our nation's police forces.

Okay.

You are in Walter's ready room.

Yes!

Walter!

Hey, Walt!

I didn't know you had a ready room.

Now he's got to be ready, baby.

Walter, why did you not tell me about this earlier?

My goodness, look at this wall.

Look at this wall full of custom weapons.

We could have been using this the whole time, Walter?

You could have, but they're only for special cases.

Like the special case I'm gonna send you out on today.

Spec ops operations.

I'm all ears.

Give me the mission briefing, Walter.

Happily.

All right.

You guys are into this, right?

Yeah, well, I mean, I have complex feelings about the military-industrial conflict.

What, Henry?

Like, what's

What feelings could you possibly have?

I just feel like violence isn't the answer and guns are not the answer.

Payden punches you.

Payden, Payden, Corporate Harrier.

This is what I'm to say.

Video games are a bad influence.

That's what I'm saying.

Can we have a teachable moment for one second?

Oh, I love a teachable moment.

Teachable moments are the answer, Glenn.

Payton, come over here.

Can you come over here?

Okay.

Can you explain to Henry what you're feeling and what your behavior was after you had that feeling?

I felt like you saying that violence doesn't solve anything was a bitch move.

Okay.

And I just want to make sure you understand, Peyton, that's okay feeling to have.

Oh, great.

I have it.

But then, what did you do with that feeling?

I showed him.

Now, if you showed him the answer.

How would you like it if I showed you?

I would love it.

Bring it on.

Okay, okay.

I will equalize you.

Okay, Peyton,

you're...

Let's see if the rest of this teachable moment.

Yeah, we're a more moment that's teachable.

Fucking ready to rock, cocked, locked, and loaded.

Come on, Valter.

Come here.

Payden, come here.

Come here.

Yeah, what's up?

Have I told you about the concept of violence of action?

No.

All right, so this is a doctrine that states that whenever you're facing a situation in adverse scenarios, your highest percentage likelihood of survival is to immediately apply a line.

A lot of violence.

Violence of action allows you to take command and the initiative from the situation.

And what you did there, Payden, that's exactly what we're talking about.

And that's the kind of thinking that we're going to need on this mission.

Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, come here.

And Payden takes you away from the group and he goes, You're my favorite.

Hey, Payton, Payton, come here.

Peyton, Peyton, come here, buddy.

Oh, yeah, go talk to Ron.

What is it, Ron?

Where's the wolf, man?

And who's calling?

No, but my cell phone isn't ring at all.

Anybody can pay attention to the beefing, please.

Okay, Walter.

What's up?

Glenn leans back in his chair and has a small notepad to take notes.

So the lights go down, takes off his wraparound bolay shades, and a lantern ignites projecting a satellite image.

Satellite is the name of Walter's dragon photographer friend, onto the wall of the tent.

Oh, that's quite pretty.

I like that.

How fresh is this intel, Walters?

I would say 48 hours.

Copy 48 hours.

It was about three clicks from here.

Roger, the copy 48.

Am I supposed to be taking notes like Glenn?

Yes, everyone should be taking notes.

Glenn can take notes for everybody.

No, I'll take notes.

You're familiar with Fayerun's most wanted list.

Correct?

No.

Let's pretend we aren't.

Well, it's pretty self-explanatory.

There's a lot of people that are wanted in Faeroom.

What?

Most wanted?

Not like that, Ron.

But hey, if there was one like that, you'd be on the top of it for me.

Oh, yeah, they're horny for the monster.

Wanted sexually, of course.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Maybe.

So, Intel suggests, Intel is my ogre friend, that state enemy number one has just come out of hiding.

His name, it's, or their name, it's.

Tattoos.

What's your name?

Romine.

Their name is...

What are your pronouns?

They're a piece of shit.

Romine.

What Roman?

His enemy, number one.

Last time he surfaced, he detonated a fireball in the center of a crowded village, and he's planning something even bigger this time.

Intel told me he's got hostages.

We haven't received a ransom, so who knows what he wants them for?

We got a hostage operation, and we don't have any intel in terms of what the demands are?

It's a dark mission.

You're sending us in dark.

I'm sorry, but you're the best.

If anybody can do it, it's you.

What's the mission objective?

Your mission is to infiltrate Roman's base, free the hostages, and eliminate Romine.

These hostages?

What do we know about them?

Uh, they're innocent?

Okay.

Walter, really quick.

How do you know all this?

Walter, what is your role here?

I'm a friend, Intel.

He's an ogre.

He goes around, he's a snitch.

He just goes around seeing what's going on.

He tells me because I like to listen to T.

And for Roman, when you say eliminated,

you mean.

Okay.

Yeah, okay.

I mean, that could be.

Kill them.

Yeah, it's not going to be a real good time to teach you.

What's our objective order about not having violence?

The objective order is hostages first, then deal with Roman.

All right.

So hostages are hostages.

So we kill our hostages.

Sorry, why are we going to say that?

That's why the order is important.

No, I was just, you know, I'm just here to listen and observe.

And,

you know, I consider myself a bit of a conscientious objector on the violence front.

You could be our war photographer.

That way can take cool pictures of us doing soft black ops missions.

Do we have, yeah, I'm going to be your war photographer.

And then

can we assign Henry a small elf to draw pictures of our

Let me get a camera.

And he goes to the wall and picks out a box with a small goblin in it with a bunch of paint.

And the goblin's like, what do you want me to take a picture of?

The truth, goblin.

The truth.

A tear rolls down the goblin's eye.

He goes,

someone of a fish.

Where was I?

Okay, yeah.

Hold on.

I get some high-speed paper and paint for the goblin to paint on.

How come Henry gets a special job and I'm just supposed to worry about not killing hostages?

What's my special job?

You wouldn't have a special job.

What?

Yeah, what is it?

What if you were the hostage negotiator?

Oh,

we do need a negotiator.

Given that our primary objective is hostage rescue, we will try and go in soft.

But as always, I'll be ready to go loud at any moment.

Daryl, what position are you taking on the fire team?

I mean, Walter, do you have it?

It sounds like you're giving out positions.

Do I get one?

Yeah, yeah.

What am I?

You are the heart.

wow okay wow congrats man that's pretty cool just militarily what does that mean militarily you're in charge oh he's in charge

glenn I know you want to be in charge but you work best as a lone wolf bucking against authority oh you're the wolf

you're the wolf whoa

Oh my god your code name will be Balto Balto Roger code are we doing code names I'm I'm call sign Balto Roger that making a note of it.

I'll be Balto.

Ron, your code name is Anastasia.

Okay.

Anastasia.

Got it.

Got it.

Daryl, your code name is Henry.

Okay.

Okay.

Wait, and sorry, I'm Henry, and then Glenn was what?

Glenn.

Balto.

It's Balto.

And then who am I?

You are the Fox from Robinhood.

Fox from Robinhood.

Okay.

I can handle that, believe me.

And Peyton.

Ding Chavez.

Ding Chavez.

Ding Chavez of Rainbow Six for the five people that have read Rainbow Six in the audience.

Hey, Glenn.

Glenn, it seems like you know the most of what you're doing, but I've been made in charge.

So I gotta ask, does it help if I like tell you the opposite of what you want to do and then you like fight me for it?

Does that get you like, does that pump you up?

Yeah, I'm going to need you to give mission commands, but I need you to know right now that at the end of the day, when push comes to shove and I have a perp in my crosshairs, go or no go, I'm getting the mission done.

God damn it, Balto, you're such a fucking live wire.

This is what makes our team.

What are you talking about?

Whatever you do, don't pull a trigger till I say you can.

You're going to have to wrap your RFA fingers around my fingers to stop me from blowing.

You want to try that again, asshole.

You want to speak it?

You want to speak?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

You want to stop me from firing?

You're going to have to take the safety off yourself, motherfucker.

Give me that gun.

No.

Give me that gun.

You have to rest it from my cold-dead hands.

Actually, actually, really quick timeout, Glenn.

Can I see the gun, though?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What do you need?

My only gun is an assault rifle.

You can either take a flashbang, a bleaching charge, or that assault rifle.

I'm going to need a flashbang in case I want to do flash photography, so I'll take that.

Oh, that's a good idea.

That's a good idea.

Well, I'll just give you all three.

Why am I making you choose?

I think we're going to Fox from a really quick Henry or the Fox from Robin.

Fox from Robin Robin.

It's pretty good.

Can I just call you Foxy?

Foxy.

Yes, you may.

All right, Foxy.

All right.

Henry.

Who?

Henry.

Yes.

Yes.

go.

Sorry, I don't listen to fucking idiots.

God damn it, that's why you're my team leader.

What do you want, Balto?

Balto requests in the third person, humbly, the

gun.

Could I have the gun, please?

This is actually, believe it or not, that's how SEAL Team 6 does it.

They go around and everyone gets their first pick.

Please may have the gun.

You can have the gun, but not because I like you or because I respect you.

But you're the best goddamn shooter we got of guns.

You with gods.

You are so good at guns compared to all of us.

This is what you want to see from a Dungeons and Daddy show, right?

Yeah.

All right, Walter.

Yeah.

If they spot you, there's a good chance they'll try to kill the hostages.

So try to be silent and deadly.

Oh, that stealth mission.

Guys, do you think we're the...

Sorry, I'm not a timeout again.

Do you think we're the best ones to do this then?

I think we're the best.

I think we're the best team in the whole world.

Okay.

I think there's nothing we can't do together.

Yeah, Astasia.

That's why you're the heart.

Well, I'm not the heart.

Oh, shit.

Who's the heart?

You're the hero.

Daryl?

You're the heart and the ball?

All right, we can do it.

I'm the brains.

You're okay, Ron.

I'm pretty sure they said you were the hostage negotiator.

Yeah, that's the brains.

You need to have praise to negotiate.

Yeah.

And can I have a big phone, too?

A phone?

Well, how am I going to negotiate?

Oh, if I can't talk to

Romine the per Romine,

yep, Romine the perp,

Romaine, right?

Romine, Romine, Romine.

I'm gonna write it phonetically.

I don't know why I said that in round voice.

It's a very cool name, and I'm sorry we're getting it wrong so much.

Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Pretty Litter.

Wait, guys, I got one for you.

Okay.

Pretty litter.

My cat's got a P3 litter.

And it's not smelly.

Pretty litter.

It's soft on their paws.

Stays fresher for long.

Roy Orberson uses pretty litter.

And Roy Orbison.

If it's good enough for Roy.

It's good enough for me.

And pretty litter helps monitor Roy's cat's health by testing acidity.

I didn't say Roy Orbison's cats use it.

I said Roy used it.

Pre-litter helps manage Roy Orbison, the name of my second cat, health by testing acidity and alkalinity levels in the visible presence of blood in your cat's urine.

I don't know if I need pretty litters help with that.

But I'll tell you what, them crystals, they're safe for cats and people alike.

They ship to your door free.

So you gotta carry it.

How much would you charge someone?

How would you charge yourself to carry it from your car?

How much would I charge myself?

Think about it.

Think about it.

I am thinking about it and it doesn't make sense.

The ultra-absorbent formula uses less material than clay litter, reduces waste, saves money.

Ideal for, you know, apartments, busy lifestyles, or multi-cat households.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Right now, you can save 20% on your first order and get a free cat toy at pretty litter.com/slash dungeons.

Technically, you get two free cat toys because you also get the box of the pretty litter.

Yeah, you think they're playing around with that?

Pawing around?

Looks like that's a toy right there.

Pretty litter.com/slash dungeons to save 20% on your first order and get a free cat toy.

Pretty litter.com/slash dungeons.

Up new disclaimer: ooh, pretty litter cannot detect every feline health issue or prevent or diagnose diseases.

A diagnosis can only come from a licensed veterinarian.

Terms and conditions apply.

See set for details.

The secret to steady business growth: fast funding with AmeriFactors.

If you're a business owner in need of capital for payroll, inventory, or expansion, you need AmeriFactors.

Get the help you need, even with less than perfect credit, including bankruptcies.

AmeriFactors provides ready cash flow through accounts receivable management.

Get tailored solutions.

Call today for a free, no-obligation, no-impact to your credit score quote at 800-884-FUND.

That's 800-884-3863.

Or visit Amerifactors.com.

Okay.

One ride on Satellite the Dragon.

Where's his phone?

Dog here.

My team asked for one simple piece of equipment.

Once again, the pencil pushers

with an infinite amount of string between them.

Here you go, Anastasia.

You could also use it as a garage.

Payton, I think this is your job.

I hand him other side.

Yeah, comms officer.

Roger.

Nice.

Wait, who's Roger?

Is Roger coming?

That's my code name, Roger.

Roger.

Okay, Roger, Roger.

I got your code name down.

Daryl, Henry, I know that we may not be the best.

Who's Daryl?

Well, Henry and Fox.

Yes.

That's the last time you call me my goddamn wrong name.

You hear me?

When mission timer is at zero, we switch completely to code names.

I understood.

Roger Wilco.

However, I just need to say, oftentimes, it is not up to us when the Call of Duty calls.

It is up to us to answer it.

We may not be the best, but we're the ones here.

God damn it.

And we got to do our best.

Can I make a request?

I think it'd be nice if we all did a group picture before we went.

Oh, yeah, you're the photograph.

Let's all scooch in.

Let's all scooch in.

Oh, right.

Glenn, are you scooching?

Glenn, Glenn, get over here and scooch.

Okay, so

this is your phone, right?

Yeah, well, I mean, that's got my little goblin friend to do that, but yeah.

Okay, so yeah, I am asking the goblin.

Um, and uh, let's see here oh timer oh i i got it in selfie mode and i look really good yeah yeah okay great well there we go we're gonna do a little picture

of us getting the selfie and then this photograph

and then yeah and then this photograph like all photographs of tier one off i wasn't in that one

oh sorry ron sorry ron sorry the goblin's a little nervous right now can't let my civvy interfere okay we'll just we'll just crop you out glenn and so then yeah you know and then maybe at the the end of the mission, like, if, you know, like the photo, like, will kind of fade in black and white, and anyone who died will be like, you know, well, that was sad.

We remember.

He had bad luck on the op.

I hand the photos over to Peyton.

I whisper, I go, dispose of these immediately.

Nobody can know what this mission is.

Roger.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's get going.

So.

One satellite ride later, you're at the AO.

Hold on, I want to just mark everyone mark that my weapon is in condition one.

Thank you.

All right, thanks.

Okay.

The AO is a former metal foundry.

Its anvil's silent and its pools of molten metal cooled into hard iron.

Somewhere within its rules.

Do they have like a folk rock foundry?

A lot of basket weaving.

Jesus Christ.

Somewhere within its rusted walls lie a handful of hostages and the man who, or sorry, and the person who kidnapped them.

Who's holding the hostages?

Roman.

Have you not paying attention to the mission briefing?

He said a handful.

There's no joke about a giant or something.

There's a handful of hostages.

Oh, Oh, I like that.

Oh, I get it.

I get it.

Do with that as you will.

Disadvantage for your next role.

God damn.

From the outside, you can see two guards posted at either end of the foundry's entrance, about 50 feet apart.

Behind the foundry is an exhaust vent, but there's a 50-foot moat separating you from the vent, and there are security cameras watching the vent.

How are you going to get inside?

We set up for a halo drop.

I think we're on the ground.

Glenn?

Oh, we're just on the ground now.

Where are we dropping, boys?

Well, actually, Sage, we're on the ground already.

Oh, okay.

Well, that was going to be our way in.

All right, we're on the outskirts of it.

I search for

beautiful images that might convey how crazy war is.

Do I find anything?

Go ahead and roll investigation.

I got a six plus.

I got a six.

You almost see a beautiful

sunset cresting over the horizon, but then Peyton gets in front of of your camera and does like a gang sign.

Are these soldiers standing?

Like, are they moving at all?

What's the patrol pattern?

They are patrolling back and forth.

Okay, here's where we're going to.

And how do we know that they're really soldiers and not hostages in disguise?

Oh,

that's right.

This could be a ruse.

We don't know.

We have no intel about Roman.

Just like in that movie with the guy and the clown man.

I do feel.

Do you remember?

I hear you.

I do feel.

He thought that there was the guy with the cape and the pointy ears and there was a clown man and he wanted to rescue the hostages and then the clown man taped them up with guns.

I feel fairly confident that the two people walking with guns

completely outside.

They're not hostages.

That's a good point.

We should probably send either Anastasia or Roger in.

stealthily to try and if we can get any intel who's talking is that is that the leader of the team talking no i think that's the

I think that's my fucking tool

that's waiting to be used when I need it to be used.

Now,

if you fucking weren't yabbing your mouth, you'd fucking have heard the thunderstorm up ahead that's making a big, loud boom every 10 seconds.

And if you watch them crossing,

in the bedroom.

Fuck yeah, Ron.

I put my fists out for that.

Hey, Balto, try being more like Ron, okay?

Anastasia, I mean.

Yeah, suck it, Balto.

Would you like that bad?

Now, these two cars, they're crossing every 14 seconds.

That means within,

I can't do math, 96 seconds, they will cross in front of each other and you can take them out with one bullet at the exact second that that thunderstorm makes a big boom.

You hear that, Anthony?

So should we...

I agree with that.

But should we like, you know, ask if they're hostages first?

How about that we do this?

Okay.

The moment they cross in front of them, I will go, I will say, Anastasia, and you yell, Are you hostages?

And then, when they turn towards our direction, you will wait until they answer.

You hear that, Balto?

Now, I'm putting a lot of trust in your hands.

You're gonna have to read the expression of those two people's faces.

And if they look like hostages, you abort the shot.

But if they don't look like hostages, you pull that trigger the moment, the moment you hear the thunder.

So, so let me just be clear.

Team leader, I would just like to clarify.

So, Joe.

Jeb, you've talked so long.

We're going to have to wait another 96 seconds.

Keep going.

Based on their expression.

From here, 250 yards away,

unaided by optics.

I ain't going to determine.

I'm trained in this.

I'll be able to read their expression as clearly as I read it, and I can read books.

I like that.

You're the Hazen Negotiator.

Can I help?

Can I help?

Oh, yeah, you're going to take a picture of everything that happens.

That's what you, of all of us, you got what you wanted.

You literally asked for that.

Yeah, he does have a point.

Team leader does have a point there.

All right.

So, yes, just to clarify, Anastasia, good idea.

Here's what we're going to do.

When I say Anastasia, you're going to look and you're going to tell Ron, you're going to tell, you're going to tell Paulo, either pull the trigger or abort.

Okay.

Roger, on your go, and I get into it.

We got 14 seconds.

Shut the fuck up.

Amen.

Okay, so let me know when I'm there.

Let me know when I'm right in front of them, okay?

Five, four,

three,

two, one.

Anastasia, what do they look like?

Okay.

Are you hostages?

Hang on.

If the two of you blink twice in a 15-second period, I will know that you're in danger.

And you're actually hostages.

And you don't mean to be holding those guns.

Somebody just handed them to you.

And sometimes you're holding things and they get heavy and you want to put them down.

So maybe you want to put them down on on my side.

I'm going to have missed the window.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Ron, Anastasia, you got to just keep talking for another 92 seconds.

Just keep talking.

It's okay.

Just wait for the cross.

Mission clock is a go.

Mission clock is a go.

So it has to be a message.

92 seconds is a go.

Now, Penin, get over here.

What?

Give me one of those cups.

Okay, you walk over to Anastasia and you tell me what Ron says.

Okay.

Ron, you got 40 seconds to decide whether or not they're hostages.

No, Ron.

Actually, team leader, we're only 15 seconds in.

Okay, so I think they, I think, yeah, I think, I think, I think maybe, I think,

he's doing.

Put the cup to his ear.

Put the cup to his ear.

30 seconds.

Anastasia.

Ron.

They're not hostages.

Take the shot.

Take the shot.

Wait, three.

Two.

No, no, no.

I have to go.

You have another 60 more seconds before they line up.

60 more seconds.

You have to be talking to the first other 60 seconds.

Would you do like a picture?

Oh, yeah, here he is.

Oh, yeah, good idea.

Good idea, Henry.

I'm a bit of a shutter bug myself, and this is my goblin, Ansel Adams.

40 seconds, 30 seconds, 40 seconds left.

You're right here.

And just while I've got you here, are you two hostages?

Oh, hope it's itself.

Goblins are not in the selfie menu.

Hold on.

Goblins facing the wrong way.

All right, there we go.

There we go.

Then we flip it around.

Okay.

I have the one on the right, so we're closer to the one on the left.

They need to overlap for my POP for 20 seconds.

And there's some more more people behind.

You wasn't that neat.

Well, you know, I just want to say, like, so I'm kind of a, I guess I am on Instagram at Henry Oaks Fun Photography.

You got to move Henry.

Henry's got a shot.

Henry, you're not.

You got to move Henry.

We have to move Henry out of the way.

And so I just really.

Are you hostages?

Move out of the way, Henry.

What?

What?

I take the shot.

Roll.

Everything goes into slow motion.

What are you rolling for?

Didn't you see how I pushed him out of the way last night?

Okay, all right.

We'll both roll the same.

You for pushing out of the way, and then me for the shot.

Ready?

Three, two, one, go.

15.

14.

Fucking fuck.

Whoa, whoa, I heard people, but this is clockwork.

This is exactly the op went off without a hitch, right?

Yeah.

The bullet goes straight through the heads of the two, not hostages.

Nice.

You two.

What are your names?

Rylan and Ashley get fucking headshot.

They go fucking down.

Henry

sees

Henry sees both their heads explode and then sees at the same moment Goblin producing this beautiful picture of these two people in literally the last second of their life.

Henry.

And I'm like my God Daryl my God.

I mean Henry my God Henry What have you done Henry but not you Henry.

Foxy, my God, who am I?

I just, it's like my art was to bring the world together and show how crazy this war is.

But art itself has become a tool of the war.

Foxy, don't let anybody tell you what you do is not important.

You hold on to that picture and you make sure future generations don't have to do what we just did.

Okay, team leader, I will.

All right.

I want to call.

I want to call Intel ogre.

I want to call the ogre that is Intel.

He's Intel.

Update two bogeys down.

Oh, yeah.

Any intel on how many bogies are left?

Roll

didn't say what dice.

He's roll a T4.

You roll a D4 dude altogether.

Why would you want a lower number?

That's a 17, Intel, whatever that means for you.

Intel saw

five guards plus one guard plus three guards.

14 guards

Okay, Glenn, sorry Balto, we got 12 more guards Roger that 210 goes down moving in to ao All right, we are Oscar Mike.

Are you how are you Oscar?

We are Oscar Mike November

no you're who's Oscar who's on first

Oscar Oscar our good friend Oscar Oscar the Italian waiter comes out of the bushes Oscar Bongiorno Bongiorno!

I've been lost.

What are you guys doing here?

What are you doing here?

Get low, get low.

What are you doing here?

Walter told us explicitly that we weren't gonna have the best sniper in the world here.

That's me.

Nobody shoot a good like Oscar.

Last time we saw you, you say you're never gonna shoot another human being.

You're spent all your time cooking Italian food.

Yeah.

You're coming out of Italian food retirement?

I am.

Well, 12 months.

Oscar, no, let me tell you, having sacrificed my art for war, don't let anyone turn those breadsticks into bullets, my friend.

That's right.

Oscar, come here.

I need to talk to you.

Yes.

We could use your help, but I don't think I could lose.

I don't think I could have the weight of another man's soul on my shoulder.

So I need you to go.

Go back and cook.

Oscar, remember, you're always in here.

And when you're in here, you're familiar with the family.

Oscar turns around on his heel and goes back and forth.

Hey, Oscar, do you mind if I walk you out?

Yeah, go ahead.

Do you guys mind if I talk to oscar real quick uh you where do you clock is going

i was just gonna ask i just i i was hoping to i just want a little recipe uh uh advice on on a lasagna for i could cook for carol when i get back

do you mind

did you do a good lasagna tell me tell me over here did you do okay i take him behind a tree and i slap him i go you listen here

I don't want anybody to know.

I don't want anybody to know what I'm going to do.

God damn it.

My role as a leader is to take the sins of my fucking team on my shoulders.

You understand?

So here's what I need you to do.

You keep walking, but the moment you get out of our eyesight, you go around the premiere and you fucking headshot every single individual you see.

Oscar quickly flashes back to the last time he fired a bullet and it went through an entire orphanage and hit a kid.

Like an evil orphanage, though.

Oh, yeah.

No.

A really cute one.

Oh, no.

But a tear rolls down his cheek as he remembers his call to duty, his call to honor, and that he needs to be.

His Medal of Honor and his call of honor.

Medal of Donner Ally Assault.

His Battlefield 1942.

And he looks at you, and a tear rolls down his cheek and he says, that's a spicy meat.

And

he's gone.

Hey, where'd my gun go?

Hey, I don't have a weapon.

Team leader.

I no longer have a weapon team.

Well, those two people that just died, you could have their guns.

Two guns.

I would like to acquire.

I should have thought it out.

I would like to acquire.

I would like to

acquire.

Ronnie gave me the other guns.

Sorry, Anastasia, you got the other gun?

I got the other gun.

If only I knew which end was which.

Oh, God.

Can I have the gun?

Absolutely not, but you're never in a moment.

It was worth a shot.

What a shot.

That's why you're my favorite.

Hey, hold on.

Baby, baby, baby, baby.

No one can touch what we have.

Okay, so in front of you is a door into the foundry.

What would you like to do?

Knock out the door.

No!

So, Ron.

Well, I didn't know anything about that was going to happen.

So, Anastasia opens the door, and immediately you can hear

three gunshots from Oscar.

We all thought Freddy was going to run away with this.

Roll.

What am I rolling?

A dice.

Just fucking roll out.

I got a nine.

So you see a laser sight.

So to your right, Anastasia, you see three guards.

You see there's a doorway that's open and three guards are standing there just shooting the shit, drinking coffee.

And a laser sight comes in, but it's quivering.

And you know that where Oscar is, he's just thinking about that orphanage full of all those cute kids.

And he doesn't know if he has what it takes to pull the trigger.

Oh, man.

He lost his goddamn nerve.

Sounds like somebody needs to be negotiated.

All three guards turn to look at you.

Go, Anastasia, you got this.

Oh, I was going to negotiate Oscar.

Well,

thank God you're shooting the shit and not shooting me.

Am I right, boys?

So.

I feel like they raised their guns at you.

Yeah, raise them up.

You're going to have to go pretty high because I'm a tall, fertile man.

Roll to see how tall you are.

An 18.

Yes.

Ron doesn't have to lie and say that he's six foot when he's actually 5'11.

Ron is actually 6'1.

Ron is canonically 5'4 ⁇ , but he's wearing a little bit of lips.

For the vision.

And then

he's been doing an as-seen on TV neck exercise.

And so he's just got a pretty long neck.

And

so, yes, he cuts quite the figure.

So, what would you so these guys have raised their guns at you and they're looking up in awe at how tall you are?

What would you do like this?

I like put a finger on one of the guns and lower it like that Michael Jackson.

persuasion.

Like, I just like, wait.

Oh, fuck me.

What are you doing?

I'm going to loosen it and then do what I just did, but it's going to be funny because this is just going to be like,

okay, so I loosen the gun, right?

Ron comes up, he's like,

God damn.

Roll persuasion.

Okay.

And are you taking a picture of that?

Yeah.

I got a nine.

Careful.

This is the only one you get.

You are expelled.

All right, go for it.

I got a 12.

Plus, plus, plus.

Performance.

You got a performance.

Persuasion.

Persuasion.

Persuasion plus zero.

Can Henry assist?

Yes, how would Henry assist?

Henry is going to assist by taking a photo of Ron and making it look like Ron's a big deal.

Like I'm Ron's personal photographer, like a paparazzi.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, we're going to do a YouTube thumbnail react photo

to make the

head like eyes are way bigger for some reason.

I won't believe how tall this guy is.

Okay, roll for that.

Talk to us.

People.

What did you get, Will?

That would be a four.

So once again, you have the perfect shot framed.

Ron's there, tall in his resplendent glory.

He's flanked by three guards all pointing guns at him.

It looks like a fucking movie poster.

And Peyton gets in front of the camera and doesn't know the game sign.

Peyton, get out of here.

What?

I got to increase my brand.

Okay, so 12 is.

It's pretty good.

Yeah.

The guy who you did that to, he will,

he'll keep his gun loaded, but the other two keep theirs raised up and they go, who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck am I?

Oh, man.

You think you control guns?

You can't even control yourselves when you hear what comes out of my fucking mouth next.

I lean over to Balto and I whisper.

I go, time to fly, Balto.

They're distracted.

Unload.

You You took my gun and gave it to you.

You grabbed two guns.

You just grabbed two guns.

You're right.

So Balto steps in, slices the pie perfectly, right?

It's like in the slow motion.

Wait, wait, flash bang, flash, and he flashed.

Any flashbang.

Oh, yeah, I got that.

That's mine.

I got it.

And I throw my flashbang.

Okay, go ahead and roll for that.

Now when you say roll,

what do I add?

Payne gets it away, does a gangsta, and bounces back at you

the flash bang yeah okay what happens you get flashed so you're completely dazed a very loud noise

good for you man good for you

okay so now everybody except for Ron's bang right

talk about the bang Anthony

there's a bang there's a very very loud bang that deafens and blinds

everybody except for Ron well I'm probably Balto Balto's running forward

wait does does that mean my little goblin in the camera is blind too?

Ah!

The only thing, Daryl's not blind, the only thing he sees is all the ghosts of the people he's killed.

I think Balto gets hit by this on the way in, so he's like slicing the pie perfectly.

And it's just shooting indiscriminately.

Okay, so give me a disadvantaged attack roll.

Balto.

Turners from the terrible.

The first roll was a good one.

That was a two.

The second roll is a 15, so a two.

Okay.

So you definitely shoot Ron in the back.

Oh, no.

You get hit in the left shoulder blade in a cool.

And you go down, but you're not dead.

Oh, boy.

What's she doing?

What's she doing?

What's she doing?

Medic!

Ron!

Medic!

Med!

Ron!

Oh, that's right.

We can do spells like cast cure wounds on the bullet.

On the bullet?

I mean, not on the bullet.

You know what I mean.

Like, cast cure wounds on Ron.

Okay, we'll say that cancels out whatever damage she was about to take.

It'll save us the trouble of rolling for damage.

Okay, but do I hit the

battle?

You got a two.

You got two.

You only hit Ron.

Oh, okay.

So, okay, so those guys are going to go down.

So they are blind as well, actually.

Okay.

So while you're all blind, you have one turn of action before everybody gets not blind again, and they are just going to start shooting.

Ron, I think now's a good time to negotiate.

We're all blind.

Alright, yeah, and who am I negotiating with?

The three guys in front of us.

Oh, the three guys I was already talking to.

Okay, okay.

you think you know about gun control you already tried that angle show your emotion okay um this is what they want

what do you want

because i want you

for the um war effort right

oh yeah

sound more confident when you say it

so it sounds real

Looks like you're a soldier in need of an army.

Oh, that's good.

Roll persuasion.

Roll persuasion.

Okay.

I would like to also give Bardic inspiration by just screaming, like, you got it.

You have to.

I can't see anything wrong.

You're going to do this yourself.

16.

Okay.

Okay.

Everybody's vision clears.

You can hear again.

The three guys lower their guns to go, I mean, we're part of an army.

We're guarding this place, but.

Do you get cool code names in that army?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know what it is.

What's your code name, man?

What's your code name?

I don't have a.

I don't have a name.

Do any of you have passions, dreams that you'd rather be doing than killing people?

Killing people was my dream.

That's why I joined the

bad guy.

What if you can have a cool code name while killing people?

Shit, that sounds good.

You can have that and more.

Are you sure you didn't like, you know, you wanted something, you know, beautiful, like you were into poetry?

Have you ever made a headshot at 3.5 km?

That means kilometers.

That's beautiful.

I think this guy's pretty good.

You should join the team.

I pull out and I'm like, allow me to show you.

He's got a gun.

I draw an iPod from 1999.

And on this iPod is one song.

And it's Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.

The iPad you.

Excuse me,

Foxy.

I'm the hostage negotiator here.

Do you want to listen to Ron?

Yeah.

So,

well up in

right up to

swing, guys.

I'll swing.

Start swinging.

It was crazy.

They were all fucking each other when they wrote that.

Yeah.

So the guards just give up on violence.

Okay.

See, gentlemen, this is what I'm talking about.

We don't need to use toxic masculinity and violence.

I'm a woman.

Oh, shit, my bad.

Sorry, I didn't know there was a broad here.

Hey, that's good.

That's no.

We don't want to do war anymore, I guess.

So they snap their guns over their knees.

No, you don't need to.

Okay.

Okay.

So their guns are gone now, but you cleared out that room and they just leave.

Okay.

And immediately you hear three shots from outside.

No!

And you hear band then band then

and they fucking go down.

Thumbtack presents Project Paralysis.

I was cornered.

Sweat gathered above my furrowed brow and my mind was racing.

I wondered who would be left standing when the droplets fell.

Me or the clawed sink.

Drain cleaner and pipe snake clenched in my weary fist.

I stepped toward the sink and then...

Wait, why am I stressing?

I have thumbtack.

I can easily search for a top-rated plumber in the Bay Area, read reviews, and compare prices, all on the app.

Thumbtack Knows Homes.

Download the app today.

Guys, looks like Oscar's got it back in, and we can just sit here and let him finish off the rest of the squad.

Yeah, I think it's a good idea.

You just sit and listen until we hear seven more pops.

Well,

it's like an interior facility.

He doesn't have vision on the entire thing.

Okay, I kicked those next doors open.

We think we figured out a way to get all the bad guys to the windows.

Oh, wait, wait, yeah, that's true.

If we make too much noise.

Oh, my gosh.

What if we pretend to be hostages that they haven't round up yet?

And then they'll all come try to round us up like little, like, like little sheep.

And then we're going to be like,

bad guys,

bad guys over there.

And then an Oscar will just be like, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow.

And then.

Oh, I forgot to mention, because you were responsible for three deaths, that means you've gotten a killstreak, which is a UAV.

You can use it anytime.

Ooh, okay.

Now, if you keep killing people without using the killstreak, it might get better.

But you could use it for UAV now.

We got to hold off.

We got to hold off.

We got to hold off.

Supposedly you don't know UAV would be like we could see where all the bad guys are.

Like a satellite.

Yeah, yeah.

Everybody who didn't know that, you're good people.

Yeah, you're good people.

Yeah.

Look yourself in the mirror and say, you're doing all right.

You're doing all right.

Those of us with the cursed knowledge of video games bear this burden alone.

Okay.

That's right.

Yeah, gamers, Xbox gamers, PS5 gamers.

At the end of the day, we're all united in this.

We all know about the stupid stuff about Call of Duty.

We're all stuck.

We're all stuck.

You understand?

We're stuck here.

We're losing it.

He's losing it.

Every year.

He's losing it.

Every year is another goddamn damage.

Halo going road.

How many more halos are there going to be?

Every year's another goddamn damn thing.

That's not Call of Duty.

You see this?

They're doing the Call of Duty in the third season for it.

You gotta go slap him for real.

Yeah, yeah, we're just doing some snake idiots on jail.

They got Bill Clinton in the last Call of Duty.

Why was your mouth so wet?

I'm sorry, team leader.

I'm sorry, team leader.

I'm just really passionate about video games.

That's the reason you're not talking about the best killer we have is because you're so passionate about video games.

All right, so there's a room.

There's a single door that you haven't opened yet that leads to another room.

I need to call Ovi.

Wait, I thought that's it.

You call Intel.

Yeah.

Hey, so Romine, do they like hostages?

Is that kind of their thing?

What I was just trying to understand.

Define like.

Like,

Foxy had a really good idea about maybe if we all pretend to be hostages.

Oh, I gotta give it up for Ron.

That was Ron's idea.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, Ron.

Anastasia had a really good idea that if maybe we pretend to be hostages, maybe Romine would come out.

Well, Romain have many hostages.

Maybe thought of them escaping would be a good idea.

Okay, so we kill those hostages and then we become the most important hostages.

I don't think we should kill the, but like, I like the idea of all this, you know, we we get to pretend.

Yeah, I was thinking we all pretend to be hostages.

Peyton could pretend to be the person who caught us.

And then

Glenn just stands right behind the door and then just unloads on everybody that comes in to check on the hostages.

Don't judge me.

We are trying to save hostages.

The ghost of everybody who's died flashes across Daryl's face again.

I can't do this anymore.

Why did Payton make me lead her?

Daryl, Daryl, Daryl, Daryl.

I mean, Henry, Henry, Henry.

Don't say that name when I'm doing doing what I'm doing.

I have an idea.

I have an idea.

Goblin, our goblin friend, has like a photographic memory.

I do.

Why don't we sneak Goblin in?

Do you remember in those, you know, I feel like those guys in those movies with the guns, they have the little tube that they put under the door and they look around through the tube.

And then it's like, it kind of, it's like, well, it's like the thing that they used on me when I had my colonoscopy.

They put it under 38 or something.

It's very important.

You know, I mean, I'm looking pretty good down there thanks to my healthy diet.

I had different news.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm fine.

Some speed bumps in there, huh?

Yeah, some

speed bumps.

So the doctor said, just slow down.

It's like the minecart chasing Temple of Doom in there.

Oh, no.

Well, I was thinking maybe we sneak our little goblin friend under the door and then he could look around and come back and paint us a picture of where all the guards are inside and stuff.

That's like the Intel stuff that you military guys do, right?

God damn it, Fox.

I can't have been wasting your talents on this fucking pointless picture painting.

I told you it was a good, it was important.

It's not at all.

I want to be peaceful, but I want to be useful more.

All right, I'll be right back.

And

he jumps out of the camera.

He's really tiny.

And he runs under the door jam into the next room.

He goes, this room's clear.

You can come in.

Say, what?

What?

This room's clear.

You can come in.

Okay, we walk in.

So on the ground is a undetonated, perfectly usable grenade.

Wow.

I scan to see if this is one of those traps, like that Doctor Who episode you just watched, and I bet you got Doctor Who on the brain.

Maybe someone's going to step on this landmine.

And then they're going to be like, oh, I got to be stepped on a land mine.

And then we're going to have a whole thing where it's like, I'm stuck.

And if I move

him.

All right.

Roll perception.

That's what you get.

I got one.

I got that.

I got this.

I got a, oh no, I got a plus eight.

I got a 14.

Okay.

So the 14, because Henry's very wise.

you see that it is a trip mine trap, but you see the tripwire,

and you can snip it easily.

I snip it easily.

Okay, now you have a grenade.

Easy.

All right.

The goblin.

You don't need to applaud that.

Thank you.

Ding Chavez.

Yeah.

I think you've heard this.

What?

Hand him the grenade.

Hand him the grenade?

Oh, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby.

Pay to the ship has come in.

Up to you.

Grenade, please.

I'm going to try to perform a sleight of hand.

You're going to swap it out for us.

Yeah, you know, Henry.

Henry, as a swinger, always has a pineapple on him.

Oh, wow.

All right.

So I'm going to try to convince him that the pineapple is the grenade.

All right, do a deception roll.

I I got a um

I got an 11 he's gonna roll perception

13

I'll be taking that thank you

right out of your hand oh Daryl do you do you are you do you know what the pineapples are about too it's delicious you grill them I'm hungry they are delicious my friend and you do drill them wait can I

Why are you guys all being weird about a pineapple?

Guys, it's 9-11.

Make a wish.

What?

And nobody left!

He sucked it.

What?

I just said it's 9-11, make a wish, and no one laughed.

Shit.

Okay.

Derek, but just to wrap up the pineapple discourse, Henry does text Mercedes-O'Garcia football pineapple.

Thumbs up.

She sends back eggplant, eggplant, eggplant, eggplant, eggplant.

Okay, so the goblin runs into the next room and he goes, Argo!

And he runs back in, and he shows you a picture of what he drew, and you see a picture of five guards surrounding a hostage, and it looks like they're beating him up.

Oh, God.

He goes around one hostage?

One host.

So this isn't all the hostages.

This is just like a...

This is just one of the hosts.

Are they surrounding him?

Like, what's going on?

What is the...

Yes, they are surrounding the hosts.

So we've gone rid of five, and you're saying there's five here.

I do wish I didn't make that joke about the math, because now I'm curious as to how many we actually have left.

You'll never know.

But this would be a total of 10 so far.

Okay.

What do you guys think?

I know I'm the leader, but it's hard for me to see anything other than the ghosts.

We get it.

Oh my gosh, enough with the ghosts of everyone you've killed.

Oh my gosh, that's a great, that's a great plan, fearless leader.

Yes, because presumably these bad guys have killed people too.

And maybe they haven't properly been mentally acquitted for their sins yet.

It's just like that play with the old man.

The old man, and

there's the sad, and then there's the Muppets are in it.

A Muppet Christmas Carol?

There's the one.

Yeah, well, I don't know if Carol's seen it or not, but...

Oh, we love Muppet Christmas Carol.

But, you know, and he's old, and like, they're all like his, and then there's like, well, I mean, frankly, he's kind of like, well, I've been on the subreddit called Anti-Work, and they have some things to say about this guy.

And I frankly, like, he was mean to his internet.

Yeah, well, yeah, we don't need to be vulgar about it, but.

Do you not know the Christmas Carol, Henry?

I'm sorry.

I assure you.

I've never spent Christmas with Carol.

I haven't spent.

But if you're interested in, you know, I spent some time with Carol.

I mean, yeah.

You guys come over pretty often.

Yeah.

He's going to fuck your wife, dude.

Payton.

What?

What?

Hayden.

I call it like a thing.

Payment, Jeff.

I got grenades.

Not right away.

Don't fuck with me.

have to know each other anyway.

Okay, so what would you like to do about this room with five guards and a hostage?

Peyton's like, I just throw it in the grenade and then no more five guards.

And we lose the hostage.

I love this idea because you know what happened to that old man is he learned to be a better man and he bought a big turkey, which, frankly, he could have bought like a nice tofu furkey.

But, you know, I appreciated that he's growing.

So I think we should remind these people of the people that they've killed by dressing up like spooky ghosts.

Yes,

so if there's any like flour on the floor or white powder, cocaine.

Cocaine.

So I roll in the cocaine.

There's cocaine everywhere.

And then I look like a ghost.

I look so pale.

I'm like, full constitutional.

Okay.

Nine.

You're wired.

I say, so I look like a ghost now, and I'm going to go in the room.

I'm going to go in the room.

And I'm going to.

Oh, what?

Is Matt going to slap a woman?

Henry would like to cast Investiture of Wind.

I have a wind spell.

This is a fart, yeah.

I have a lot of fart spells.

I have wind walk.

I have investiture of wind.

I have freedom of the winds.

God, that's what being polyamorous is, yes.

I would like to use my wind spells to, like, sort of A, you know, like, just sort of dramatically blow the doors open as if one was a ghost and one was entering a room okay and then also i was thinking it gave us a little oomph like we're kind of floating ethereally from all the wind okay and then i would like to cast um i know it's not the way it works in dnd but it's the way it works in dungeon daddies which is ancestral um ancestral projections or whatever yeah which we had it as like yeah i can literally make a ghost beer

we talk about it being george washington right that's fine yeah it's george washington george washington was a great actor because there's the reason those will work because there's five of them they'll each assume it's one of the other ones ghosts

They'll be like, oh, that must be, that must be Dennis' ghost.

It's still pretty creepy.

It's not my, it's not somebody I killed.

It must be the guy that he killed.

So I'll add that to Anastasia's ghostly form.

Okay, Anastasia.

And we get George Washington high on cocaine.

Yeah.

All right.

Whoa.

He probably was.

They did a lot of it.

All right.

So your spell just automatically works, I feel like,

so now Henry and Anastasia, go ahead and roll for me.

Okay.

Roll a

performance.

Performance.

Which Henry?

You're Foxy.

I'm Henry.

You're Foxy.

He's Henry.

Okay.

Roll performance, please.

Okay, performance.

I got a 17.

Ooh.

I got a 8 minus 1.

I'm just talking to George Washington in the back.

Hey, man.

He doesn't even go in.

How many slaves do you own?

Whoa, whoa, George.

It's really hard.

Every year it gets harder to defend you, buddies.

Like, that's the first thing you said.

How else am I supposed to start a conversation?

That's how we did it back then.

I have like 20.

Okay.

That's how you know I mean more.

You know what?

You can go back to wherever it is you were.

All right.

So Ron walks in there and he's like,

rubbing his teeth.

Dear Slim, I wrote you, but you still ain't calling.

I let myself, my home phone, and my pager at the bottom.

I wrote two letters back in autumn.

You must not have got them.

There must have been a problem at the post office or something.

I swear, these letters get kind of sloppy when I got them.

So,

yeah, I'm your number one fan and I died and you didn't do anything.

Help me.

I'm the ghost.

Help.

Help.

So you rolled a...

You rolled an 18, you said?

I rolled a 17.

A 17.

Okay, so I'm going to have each guard individually roll.

And if they get under 17, they're going to believe you're the ghost of Eminem they killed.

First guy fails.

Stan, man.

Stan.

Second guy succeeds.

God damn it.

Third guy succeeds.

God damn it.

Fourth guy fails.

Okay.

Fifth guy fails.

So

three of the people, three of the guards go, Stan.

They all killed Stan together.

What a fateful night.

We never to talk about that.

And then the two guards are like, Is that a dude on Coke?

And then I lean into Balt and I go, fly, my little bird.

There's two distracted soldiers.

And then once again, Balto spins the corner and slices the heart perfectly in slow motion.

Oh man.

And nobody's throwing a flashbang this time.

You're distracted by the ghost.

Exactly.

Spiritual flashbang.

Roller shoot.

What if you, okay, this is a silly thing.

Okay, what if, okay, what if you shot the guys and then you realize they were cake?

Can I see your micro quick?

No.

Ah, there we go.

Okay, it should be fine now.

All right.

Roll to.

So, to be clear, this is going to be a multi-part role.

Roll to slice the pie.

Roll to acquire, right, a sight picture for anyone

with slicing the pie.

Can you get up and demonstrate slicing the pie to the audience?

All right, if anyone ever needs

This is the forbidden knowledge I have gained from video games.

If anyone ever needs to clear a room in a tactical situation, you don't want to just like jump in front of the door.

Right?

Well, here, you two go ahead and like make a doorway for me.

Okay, make a doorway for me.

I'll show you.

We're making a doorway?

Oh, okay.

So should I like

across the top?

You right here, Daryl, Matt, right here.

You guys facing the character.

Here's the church.

See, Daryl, this is what's called an

error.

Okay, let's say

you are trying to breach and clear this room, okay?

What you don't want to do is you don't want to just kind of like, ha ha, jump out.

Or you don't want to just like run straight through.

So slicing the pie,

you want to start off to the side.

You'll see, I have a very narrow slice.

You can see I see one, two people here in the audience here, right?

Right there.

And as I have my weapon in a primary position, I come around here and I gradually.

Can you guys see your mic real quick?

It's fixed now.

In this section of the show, Anthony turns off my microphone and I demonstrate wordlessly how a tier one operator slices the pie.

If you'd like to see how it's done, join our Patreon, patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

And then ideally.

So ideally, the rest of your team gets the other parts around.

So here's the thing.

Oh, but he's slicing the pie.

Ready?

No!

Roll it, dice!

Roll with advantage because you taught everybody how to slice the pie.

Okay, sweet.

And I guess empowering any school shooters.

Three.

Three and a one.

Three and a one.

Three and a one.

Three and a one.

What?

So you

comes around the corner, just like, here's my chance.

I blew the second one.

My whole team's counting on me.

And I go,

slow motion.

And the problem is, I actually do say

as I come around.

Immediately, the two guards that were not convinced by the stand thing start shooting at you.

You take a D12 of damage.

But that's why I die, though.

What?

Do I die?

No, they don't shoot you.

Well, they don't think you're a ghost, but they shoot the guy that clearly has a gun, so you're fine.

I take seven points of damage.

Luckily, I'm wearing combat armor.

Where does it hit on the body?

Can we simulate where that is?

You're going to get shot in the head in a second.

That stray bullet takes off your tongue.

Henry glances to the corners of his vision.

He looks at the face of one of the many men he's killed.

He says, you guys need some new friends.

And I pull my axe out.

I'm going to charge at the closest soldier.

All right, roll.

I'm going to use enrage.

Yep.

Yep.

That's a, well, what do I, what do I add to this?

That's an 11.

That's going to be a 17.

All right.

You kill one.

Oh, God.

You fucking slice one in half.

You bite it.

That is cake.

I see.

Instead,

the moment his head leaves his body, like you all see it disappear, but but it just, for me, just fades into a ghost head.

And it's standing right in front of me.

I go, I'm sorry.

And I go for the second one.

I roll a 19.

Another one goes down.

Both of the non-scared soldiers are bisected by you easily.

Blood paints the ball.

The way after you bisected.

How scared are the ones that are still there?

Happy Pride bisected.

That was Beth's joke.

I just repeated it.

How scared are the ones that are still left, you know what I'm saying?

They are very scared.

They drop their guns and they scream.

So now I acquire five total guns.

In that moment,

in that moment, the door at the other end of the room kicks open and it's Romine.

Romine.

Romine.

It's Romine.

Glenn, thinking quickly, because he's shoots five guns.

No, holds a rifle.

to Payton.

I got the last hostage here.

We cleaned them up.

Roll deception.

What room did they walk into, Freddie?

What room did they walk into?

Was it the right room or the wrong room?

Was it the right room?

Y'all walked into the wrong room, motherfucker.

That's a 17 plus

14.

And I even deleveled Glenn.

This is tour Glenn close.

17 plus 1431.

In that moment, by the way, I would like like to hand Payton a note.

And we don't have to read this, but I'm going to hand it to you, Anthony.

Okay.

Okay.

You see what I'm saying?

That's good.

Yeah?

You okay?

Okay.

He just wrote a slur on that.

About white people.

It's okay.

It's about white people.

Yeah.

It's okay.

Okay.

So Peyton is going to do what is instructed of him.

It wasn't really a slur.

That'd be insane if it wasn't.

That'd be fucking insane.

Freddie, what are you doing?

What, what, Payton?

So Roman comes in and sees that you have killed everybody except for the hostage and goes, well done.

Well done.

You managed to save the hostage.

This one's pre-implantation, right?

Yes.

All right, well, let's get a bomb in him.

And they take Peyton by the arm.

and try to walk away with Payton.

Payton's going to try to sneak away.

Yeah, I'm going to go for.

I'm going go to the bathroom.

We distract.

Henry would like to cast fog cloud

around

fog cloud.

It's another fart spell I have.

Oh.

Big cloud of fog appears around

Roman, and it's like, oh, what's going on?

Where?

What happened?

And then like Henry's going to just kind of flitter around.

You know, like, I turn into something small, like a bird, right?

A lot of things happening at once.

Oh, boy.

Just go ahead.

It's cool.

Just saying.

I flutter around for Sliced the Pie and kill Kwan with a side picture, and here you are running 14th adults at the same time.

Just saying, your slice, your pie slicing days are over.

And then I just want to be like,

remember who you are, Kakawa.

Okay.

I'm a spooky ghost.

Remember that you used to be a good person.

Okay.

Put down your ways of hatred.

Yeah, I got it.

Woo.

So, Payton.

Anthony, you fucking let me have this.

I haven't gotten to do anything fun yet.

Everyone's at their fun moment.

But, Will, poor Will, decided to be a photographer at the beginning.

Whose fault was that?

Shitty one, everyone else gets to do fun stuff.

But no, Will, you have like an incredible selfie of me.

Like, what more do you want?

Okay, so Peyton gets advantage because of the fog that you made.

Think about it.

And Peyton hides and he disappears.

And unbeknownst to Romine, he ties the string for the cans around the ankles of the hostage.

Because remember, he said infinitely long string, right?

And Peyton runs out the front door, dragging the string behind him.

And hero.

And calls out to satellite.

And satellite the dragon lands.

Now what's your plan?

Okay, now here's the plan.

Sky hook.

There's only one hostage.

Sky hook, baby.

Skyhook!

Sky hook!

Is there only one hostage?

There's only one hostage you found.

You said Peyton found the other ones, though, you said.

You paid the other.

Really quickly, did he find the other ones?

I instructed Peyton to find the other hostage.

No, you said find dragon.

Daryl calls Ogre really quick.

Ogre.

How many hostages are there?

Just one.

You sure?

I think I did a pretty good job of negotiating with him.

There were a bunch, but then some battalion guy sniped them all thinking they were enemy soldiers.

What has Oscar done?

Okay.

And I look, I was like, yeah, that's the only hostage.

We're good.

Extract.

And I'm going to run to the window and go, Roman, we're being attacked.

And I just start shooting indiscriminately out the window to cause noise.

Okay, so Romine's like, I'm with you.

And Romine follows you up to MAC-10s in their hand and just comes out and goes, what's my target?

What's my target?

Over there, the tree line.

Roman starts opening up on the tree line.

Yeah, now, now.

And then I go, Peyton, Skyhook.

Peggy goes, it's about time to shide.

I'm gonna jump on this dragon.

Oh, he got to 19.

Yay, Peyton!

For the first time in his life, Peyton successfully manages to do something, jumps aboard the dragon, the dragon takes off, the wire pulls the hostage out,

and they fly into the sky, screaming their head off.

Successful hostage extraction!

Take out Roman!

Luigi, go!

Mario, what was the god's name again?

Luigi.

His name was a squirrel.

I don't know where I got those.

Now you know what slur he gave me.

I'm going to roll a sleight of hand.

Okay.

You got a natural one, you bitch.

Daryl, what did you try to do?

Got a natural one.

I was trying to steal the grenade.

You pull the pen!

No!

It explodes!

Oh, man, we really answered the call tonight, didn't we?

The duty.

All of you die.

And we zoom out to a 75-year-old painting going, that was the last op I ever went on

with SEAL Team Dad, the greatest soldiers I ever fought alongside.

Thank you, thank you.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Birch is our DM, Will Campos is Henry Oak, Beth Miz, Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close.

Our theme song is All Right by Max and Waller.

Brian Fernandez is our content producer.

Ashley Nicolette is our community manager.

Courtney Terry is our community coordinator.

Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager.

Esther Ellis is our lead editor.

Travis Reeves provides additional editing.

And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

Watch the video of this live show complete with actual tactical pie slicing demonstration by yours truly by supporting us on our Patreon.

That's patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

We also have a bunch of other live shows we did available.

We got a tour documentary from our first tour and we're also pretty close on finishing up a video for the areas tour.

And on top of all that, there's bonus one-shot campaigns, our main campaign after shows, as well as our standalone mini-series, such as the upcoming Dad Hammer 40K, the three-parter that Matt just DM'd.

That one's recorded.

We're going through post-production right now, doing the art, etc.

A plethora of entertainment at your fingertips.

We're going to be in Europe at the beginning of October.

You can find live show tickets.

DungeonsDias.com is our website.

You can also find merch, social media, links, all that stuff there as well.

And special thanks to our Patreon supporters, folks like Alexander, Virgils, Curtis W., Luke Renz, Brendan H., Ravicus, Anthony G., Duff, Jonathan, Alexander Thingard Bang, Skidder, Wilson Mefford, Kylie Helms, Matt Wold, Sam Gardner, Chris Wood, Carly Tonkich, Ben Larson, Rowe, James Lewis, and Christopher Daniel.

Our next episode is coming out September 10th.

Thanks so much for listening.

We'll see you then.