S3 Ep. 2 - Some Like It Hot

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

If you need a car to come to Tony's Cars,

you got Jenny's fortune more at Tony's Cars.

If you're looking for a steel on a pretty set of wheels, come on down and make a deal at Tony's Cars.

I'm Tony Colette of Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars, and I've got an absolute beauty for you today.

A lightly used, heavily damaged Ed Soul Villager.

This sweet kitty has it all.

Teletouch push-button shifting, a giant hole in the windshield, optional seatbelts pre-uninstalled in the shiny slick Fordoosey smack dab in the center of the grill.

Yours for 3,000 all-American dollar bills.

I know what you're thinking.

Only 3Gs.

Tony, you're mad.

You've got brain damage.

You're covered in blood and windshield glass.

You should stop selling and start going to the hospital.

Well, you listen to me, you son of a bitch.

I didn't dodge sniper fire on Pele Lou just to come home, win a bowling tournament, get drunk, fight my neighbor, crash my Ed Silvillager into an all-American family home, fly through the windshield, and watch a big scary bug guy make off with the trophy we need to save a kidnapped little girl, and not give you a great deal on a world-class automobile.

So come on down to the house I crashed it into and drive off with the car of your dreams today.

And be sure to tell me Tony sent you.

Bidding will now commence on lot 325, one radio advertisement recorded by Tony Collette, person of note in the Project Hearthland disaster of 1950.

Do I hear 300 for this item?

250?

200?

150?

This is a very rare item created by Mr.

Collette just before the sold to the soaring crested gentleman for 150,000 human teeth.

Our next item, Lot 326, one Peachyville Police Department evidence bag, filled with burned human flesh recovered from Hal's Trophy World.

Ah, that seems to have gotten your blood bumping.

Do I have 500?

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

And this season, Dungeons and Daddies presents the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

I love how you can tell that this time Will wrote the sagaself.

It took two years.

Two years.

Never got a season two saga selling.

Well, now I got a freaking look.

Never gave Anthony any respect.

If Anthony wrote it down, I would have looked at it.

Come on.

I would have looked at it, too.

I was endlessly confident that you would eventually grow into it, and you just never did.

That's Anthony.

You should know better, Anthony.

You should know better.

That's on me.

That's on you, bro.

That's on you.

My name is Freddie Wong.

Hi, Freddie.

Hello.

I'm not used to sitting on this side of the table yet.

It's weird.

It's true.

As you may have heard in the world.

Strong.

He looks strong.

Will and Anthony switched positions.

Will now occupy the former seat.

Destiny.

I'm sorry.

It's late at night.

I'm a little silly.

I had a caffeinated beverage before coming here.

No more Cokes for You Before We Work.

No more Soda Pops, young lady.

My name is Freddie Wong.

I play Tony Colette, the fast talking used car salesman with Riz.

Riz.

Wait, Riz.

Wait, just play.

Oh, I just wanted to say, the fast-talking used car salesman.

We'll write that for you too.

I wrote this one myself.

I wrote this one myself.

With Riz, Fizz, Jazz, and Jism.

Okay.

Okay.

That's right.

I know that.

Yeah, we'll then write that.

With Riz, Fizz, Jazz, and Jism.

Jism.

Yeah.

Riz, Jizz, Jazz, and Jizz Jizm.

Is that the 1950s version of Young Dumb and Full of Car?

I think it is.

This week's Peachy Fact, for a bit, you know him as Tony Collette, but his trade name, it is Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars.

But it's run by Tony Collect, because he always collects on his debts.

Count on it, Bucko.

Is it Tony Collette or Tony Collect?

That's his stage name, Tony Collect.

You know, that's how I always see it.

Do people, wait, who has debts to him?

The people who are renting out his cars.

He's financing on his cars, you know.

This is the air of, you know, racking up

racking up debt, baby.

Debts that will never have to be paid back.

Love it.

By the way, a quick update for our live shows.

Milwaukee and New York, we still have tickets available.

They're going fast.

And Southern California, we added a Father's Day show at the Will Turn.

So check out our website, dungeonsandages.com slash live.

Okay, I'm done.

Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Kelsey Grammar.

Beachyville's happiest and snappiest school mom.

She doesn't take nonsense from anybody unless they got something to teach her, which at the end of the day, everybody does.

So let's sit down and

teach everybody.

Sit down and have a chat, hon.

Little peachy fact about Kelsey is that ever since she began teaching, she has taught every single child in Peachyville because there's only one school for a kid from kindergarten to fourth grade, except for there's one family that has three homeschooled kids.

And she's looking for them.

she thinks they need at least at least one year to be taught by Kelsey.

She's looking for somebody.

She's finding.

Every time she's in the supermarket, she's like, oh, I recognize that kid.

I know that kid.

Where's those three homeschool kids?

What's the closest?

Do you know what I'm saying?

What's the closest, like Jason-borne-ass, like,

I smell that

a new cologne.

That's a dad I haven't smelled before.

You know what I mean?

What was the closest call?

Maybe Secret Away the Kid.

One time at Playground,

she smells something.

She's like, I've never smelled this kid before.

Let's get it.

Never smelled this kid.

Go ahead and mark on your character sheet that you can smell kids.

Kids smell.

Hi, I'm Anthony Birch.

I play Francis Farnsworth, the most bullied kid in Peachyville.

And my peachy fact for this week is that Francis, in an attempt to prove that he is a hero and that he's a courageous, masculine man, tried to join the military, but they didn't take him because he has damp joints.

And what war was he trying to join?

I mean, you can join the military when there's not a war on.

Started joining on spec.

Damn, dude.

There was a war going on in the 50s, though.

It was called the Korean War.

Did you get turned away?

Because damn, Joyce is pretty rough.

Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, doting wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful homeschooled children.

What a twist!

Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

Wow.

How does Kelsey not know that she hasn't taught your kids?

Hiding in plain sight, dog.

I like that Trudy has just like pointed at two other children.

Like, those are my kids.

I've never seen your children.

What a mystery.

The peachy fact about Trudy is that Trudy actually didn't get her high school diploma because for her final paper, she wrote an essay about how cats domesticated themselves and maybe someday so can women.

And that was frowned upon.

Wow.

Was not accepted.

She failed.

She, yeah, is not a high school graduate.

I can't tell if that's sexist because, obviously, or if it's like less sexist, because she's saying that women can do it themselves.

It's like, I don't, that's the question you'll have to look deep inside yourself for a while.

A real Schrödinger's domesticated cat, that one.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Will Campos.

I'm your daddy-o-master.

Hey, big boy.

God damn, you look good in those jeans.

Matt, there's only so many times you can say before it's not a joke anymore.

It's going to be a long year.

Her peachy fact for me this week is is that teeth are the only part of the human body that cannot repair itself.

So, if you break those things or someone breaks them for you, that's it, you buy it.

You break it, you buy it.

Okay, so dentists just keep that in mind.

Yeah, good to know.

Are you gonna break our character's teeth this episode?

We'll see.

We'll see.

That's our intro.

I love it.

This is now the end of the intro.

Now, if it's all right with you, I'd like to start the part of the podcast where we play the game Call of Cthulhu, which is what we do on this show.

I love it.

I have to warn you: everything you're saying is being recorded.

And a lot of people are going to listen to it.

So just keep it in mind.

Talking about your jeans.

Let's all try to have fun.

Let's all respect each other and enjoy a nice 1950s game.

When we last left off, your friend and co-bowling partner, Britannica Blue, girl detective, had been kidnapped by mysterious men in masks, and they demanded that you bring their bowling trophy to 195 Peachy Canyon Road.

Sort of a ransom situation.

You raced over to Francis Farnsworth's house since he had your trophy.

You were attacked by a weird bug man who absconded into the night sky with the trophy.

And also Freddy Drunk drove up Ford Edsel into the front door of that.

Regular drove.

I think we're going to just start off in Media Rez.

You've just seen this thing fly out the window.

It looks bigger than a bat.

It looks like...

A big moth.

Like some sort of moth man.

Beth, you have a Mothman sticker on the back of the broader.

I do.

It's really distracting me because, what does it say again?

It says, Mothman is real and he's my boyfriend.

Very good.

Drudy, men don't fly unless they're in airplanes.

It can't be a man and it can't be a bat because it's too big to be a bat.

It must be.

You've already covered bats.

I've covered bats?

Bats are not that big.

There are pretty big bats in South America.

But that's under S, so you don't know how big they are.

Yeah,

I was going to research that, but yeah, I'm not at S yet.

And I won't learn about South America until I've learned about South.

All the aspects of South America.

Hopefully, on the same vacation.

Oh, my God.

By the way, just as your DM, I'll tell you that it's now nine o'clock.

The due date for this ransom for this trophy is 12 midnight.

So you have about three hours to figure out what you want to do.

Somebody catch me up.

I just got here.

Oh, I'll do it.

Yes, what's happened?

Britannica Blue was kidnapped by, well, I don't know,

but

we think the Italians

may mayhaps.

And we have to bring that trophy that that mothman just took to 195 Peachy Canyon Road.

Or else what?

Oh, I didn't ask.

Oh, they said they were going to kill.

And they said that we are being watched and listened to, which is more than I can do.

They can hear what we're saying now?

Sorry?

They can hear what we're saying now?

Maybe, maybe we should talk in code.

Come on, Juan.

Francis' mother mother is like, I can also hear everything you're saying right now.

Are you, are you serious?

Francis, is this true?

Uh-huh.

Oh my gosh, my poor baby boy.

And she gives you a hug.

Oh, thanks, mom, but we got to go get Britannica back.

You know what?

And she pushes you back.

I agree.

This is finally your chance to man up.

This is your chance to do something brave and bold.

I've told you, once the bombs drop, we're going to need survivors out there, okay?

So you just go with these strange people and you find that girl and you save her.

And whatever you do, don't trust anybody.

So don't trust these guys?

Excuse me for a second.

Your mom takes you aside.

Francis, what do you you think of these guys?

What do you think?

Well, the teacher seems pretty trustworthy.

Okay.

Trudy's definitely hiding some failures.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I'm talking to my son.

Okay.

We'll just talk a little quieter.

Okay.

I'm in my house that you, your friends just drove a car through, by the way.

Why don't you guys go downstairs and talk to my husband about the car and the situation there?

I'm sure he has a lot to discuss with you.

Very sorry, ma'am.

But Francis, what do you think?

What do you think of these guys?

Yeah, I trust Kelsey Graham or Mrs.

Grammer.

Sorry.

That's Mrs.

Gramer.

That's right.

You treat your teachers with respect.

Yeah.

But not too much respect.

I want you to form your own opinions.

I want you to think freely.

I want you to grow independent.

That sounds difficult.

You can't just.

It is difficult.

Life is difficult, Francis.

Oh, my God.

Well, okay, so Mrs.

Trout seems like she's hiding something really dark.

There's something about her that makes me uncomfortable.

I don't know what it is.

Okay.

And Tony Coleg is clearly just kind of a fuck up.

Okay, well, you stay with Mrs.

Grammer and you listen to what she says, but again, form your own conclusions.

Listen to what she says.

She's an adult, but not all adults are perfect.

So half half listen?

So I want you to listen and I want you to understand, but I don't want you to, you know, just be bossed around by anybody, okay?

Mrs.

Grammer, you can't boss me around anymore.

You're not my teacher.

Well, she's still your teacher and you should treat her with respect.

What?

I can't.

I'm all the way down here.

A lovely home.

Can I whisper to both Kelsey and Trudy?

Like, Kelsey, Trudy.

Yeah.

I need you to distract this man.

I'd like to go riz up Kim On-won.

What?

I need you to distract this man.

Her husband?

Yes.

Because you're going to Riz?

Don't worry about the details.

Just work on your salesmanship, you know?

Oh, okay.

Her husband should be with you.

Excuse me.

It seems like Tony Collette would like to speak to your wife with you.

Well, I actually, Mr.

Colette, I'd like to speak with you for a moment, if you don't mind.

Could you come down here, please?

Very well.

So, Ed is taking pictures of your car, and he's taking pictures of the damage and like making.

Hey, what is that?

What are you making photos for?

Copious notes.

Well, I'm just getting everything ready for when it comes time to settle up here for the damages done, of course.

Now, I see that it seems like you've been drinking.

I'm noticing some empty bottles.

There's no crime in that.

There isn't a crime.

You're right.

It's the 1950s, and I researched this, and there was no law against drunk driving.

There's still the matter of that you did crash into my house.

Do you have insurance?

It's fine if you don't.

You're not going to get in trouble for that.

I have a suggestion.

Yes, it's right.

Well, before he'll get those photos developed, you can repair the car or replace the car entirely.

It will take ages for him to develop those photos.

I was hoping you would say that you were volunteering to say you were driving.

Oh, is that what I should do?

I can't help but interrupt.

I did see you crash into my house and launch straight up the stairs.

So

just give it to me straight, Ed.

Well, I feel like we've established duty of care.

It's your car.

It says Tony's cars, cars, cars, and big letters on the side.

I think we've established breach of duty in that you were drunk vis-a-vis the liquor bottles in this car.

Those are old liquor bottles.

Causation being the damages done to my house by the car flying into it.

So I think we have enough here for a lawsuit.

As you know, I am Ed Farnsworth, the number one automotive collision king of Peachyville.

So I'm just gonna

know that you'll be served tomorrow morning.

But other than that, you know, your house is my house.

And I heard this sounds like there's something going on with a missing girl.

Yeah, that's what we need to take care of.

So if you two men are done doing that, we should really get...

Francis?

Yeah.

And so that's what I'm saying is you can't trust anybody, but you need to trust adults.

Do you understand?

Okay, I know.

So trust them, but don't trust them.

I'm so proud of you, Francis.

Okay.

Okay, let's go rescue this girl.

Yeah, are you coming with us?

Well, I guess, no, I'm going to stay here.

Someone's got to help your dad clean up the house.

And, you know, don't worry about tonight.

We'll see you.

No, why not come along?

Oh, you're up here now.

He's leaning against me.

What are you doing?

He's leaning against me.

I was having quiet conversations with my mom.

I heard the gist of it.

It's all right.

She can come along.

Why don't you come along?

Accompany the man.

Well, why don't you?

Crazy.

What a crazy evening.

What a crazy.

It would make me feel a little bit safer if my mom was around.

Give me a persuasion roll to convince your mom to come with you.

Can I help out with a charm roll?

You can try.

Kimone.

What a pretty name.

Hey, Trudy.

How are your little kids doing with the homework I gave them?

Oh, that looks like.

Yes.

The work that they do at home.

My husband works from home, you see,

in his laboratory.

Describe your eldest again.

What did you say she looked like?

A little tuck.

Yeah.

Well,

he's smaller than Tucker.

He's got two eyes and a chin.

He's been under my nose this whole time.

So I don't have any points in persuade, so the default is 10%, and I rolled a 51.

Okay, because that's a failure.

Freddie, do you want to help out?

I'd like to charm.

Okay.

Listen, this is my only chance.

Anthony makes fun of me and my mom all the time.

I have one chance to handle Anthony's mom.

Anthony is the one who brought his mom into the store.

That's him.

Hey, you can fuck my mom.

I'm completely fine with you.

Fucking mom.

Honestly, I bet she's really good at it.

Why is everybody quiet now?

I just did my mom's really good sense.

Yeah.

It just seems like she has that vibe.

It's fine.

My charm.

She should be happy.

She deserves to be.

My charm is at 25.

I rolled a sultry 21.

That's a good one.

Wow.

Okay.

So, what do you say to Riz up?

Camon Want?

Hot.

Hot tonight.

He gets disadvantaged.

Let him cook.

Let the man cook.

I opened up a window for you.

Across the front of your house.

Thank you.

Are you referring to the hole you drove through the front door?

Pretty crazy, right?

You know what?

You know what I'm saying?

I think I better come along.

I think I better come along.

Just

better come along.

And she grabs the shotgun and racks it.

Thanks, Mom.

We have an important decision to make.

Are we to replicate the missing trophy that the big thing took, or are we supposed to get it back from the big thing?

I don't know if we can replicate it in three hours.

No, but we can do it.

We have a husband who...

Yes, I do.

And he's an adventure.

Yeah, no, I think your idea of replicating is not...

bad we could do you know like those westerns where they like exchange like hostages or whatever we can make it doesn't have have to look perfect.

It just has to look a little bit like a trophy.

Yeah.

Put it on the ground.

We step back.

We say, bring us the girl.

She walks across towards us, all dramatic-like.

And then we get her.

And then we run away as they go and pick up the trophy.

And whoops.

Yes, I like that.

It's a friend.

Do you bowl?

Do I bowl?

Yeah.

Does it look like I bowl?

I don't.

I play golf.

I'm a scratch golf.

Do you have a golf trophy?

Oh, do you have any trophies?

You know what?

I do have a trophy right here.

It's not for bowling.

It is the trophy I got from the Bar Association of Nebraska for being the number one most litigious auto accident

of all time.

That doesn't look like a cup with two.

However,

you're free to look at it if you want.

And he hands you the trophy.

How close does it look to the other trophy?

Here's the thing.

The top of it is completely different.

Okay.

But the bottom is identical.

Oh, no, it's a great trophy.

Can we borrow it?

Can you borrow my trophy?

What do you need my trophy for?

Well, to save a girl's life.

Oh, well, in that case, you can borrow my trophy.

You could also, you know, like, there's only one trophy place in town, Hal's Trophy World.

I bet the other guy got his, made it Hal's Trophy World.

Oh, okay.

Why don't you go just go see Hal?

Well, it feels like late at night, and it feels like we have a trophy.

That's true.

You have a trophy.

Hal has no fucking interest in side-flag.

So a girl's life is at stake.

And I'm like, of course, we all know how.

It's on your adventure.

You do you.

And he gives you the trophy.

All right.

The top is different, though.

The top is a golden mechette of a lawyer, like with a little suitcase.

And he's like pointing like objection.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, step outside, and I just slammed the trophy on the curb to break the top button.

Well, far away from everybody.

I was like, I begin to go outside.

Oh, okay.

You're all ready.

Let's go save, you know, let's get going.

Everybody, it's almost midnight.

I walk outside.

Feels like Ed gets to do a spot-hidden role.

I mean, no, you told her.

Ed's like, look, you said you're going to save a little girl's life with it.

The real trophy is I slipped.

You slipped.

Oh, gosh, I'll glue this in the morning.

I'm sorry, Ed.

That's okay, little missy.

Oh, you know, you know know how us teachers are.

Yep.

Always

slipping.

Teachers be slipping.

That's what we always say.

Smashing trophies.

Just to clarify, what I thought you had said, this is what I thought you meant, which is that the trophy looks identical to the bowling one.

No.

And then it's like somebody stuck

a lawyer on top of the bowling one.

On top of the cup, man.

What you're saying is that we're missing the top half.

Yes.

Which is bowling.

You have the base of a trophy from Hal's Trophy World.

Okay, explain to me what the bowling one looked like.

The bowling one is like a cup.

Like, you know, like a loving cup, like one of those two-handled cups.

And this one's a loving cup with a lawyer on top.

No.

You said the bottom half looked identical.

I did a very good job.

You said the bottom half was identical.

The bottom half is like the pedestal that the cup is on.

And it says best bowler.

And it says number one auto accident attorney, six years running Nebraska bar.

And this girl's life being in our hands is really, I'm sorry.

We actually don't need this trophy.

You broke it.

Who was like a trophy for nothing?

Who was the?

Yeah, I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry,

we could just find a cup.

Well, they just gave us a really good store we should go to.

Are they open at nine?

Are they open at nine o'clock?

I don't know.

I don't work there.

You could go to town if you want to go there.

Let's just go then.

I know that personally.

Let's go there.

We're going to keep your trophy just in case we need to use it.

And let's the four of us get out of here.

You know what?

Let's get out of here.

We've already done a lot.

You guys, it's nine o'clock.

It's past everybody's bedtime.

You guys go to sleep.

I'm going to call them on the phone and see.

Okay,

1-800 Ball.

I mean, yeah.

Ball?

Because they have trophies, like for ball, for like

for ball.

Remember that trophy you got for ball in high school?

1-800 ball.

That's the name of the restore.

1-800-Ball match?

No, it called 1-800-trophy.

Shooting costs.

1-800.

Ball, the first 1950 sex line.

What's your request?

We talk about testicles.

We talk about

big beached ball-sized muscles.

My name's Hank Thaddeus, and I'm the phone sex guy.

I'm starting phone sex of the 1950s.

And you just called 1-800-BALD.

This call will be 25 cents a minute.

25 cents a minute.

Oh,

well, what are you doing?

You're going to pay for my mom.

And what do you do with the muscles?

I kind of just look at myself in the mirror and flex them.

That's what I'm doing right now.

Oh, my.

Is that open or not?

Um, and are do you are you open?

No, Trudy, head over the fuck.

Can I talk to this man?

No!

I'm always open for business.

I'm Hank Thaddeus, and that's my name.

Trudy turns like beet red and gets really warm and then hangs up immediately.

They're open.

Let's go.

Yeah, let's head over.

Excuse me.

I back this car out.

No damage.

As I lean over, I want to whisper to Trudy.

I go, hey, Trudy, if you ever want to call that number, but don't want the bill to go to your house, you can always just come over to my place.

Oh.

You know, just it seems like you really need a

call.

Well, just be careful.

That's all I'm saying.

Don't call that number at your house.

I won't.

Okay.

I don't even remember what the number is.

The only number I can remember is 195 Peachy Canyon Road.

Okay.

All right, so are we all...

We're going pile in.

Pile in.

All right.

So I got these two pieces of the trophy.

What are we doing with this?

We're going to trophy world

and forge a new trophy.

Okay.

Yes.

Or I suppose find the exact same base as it seems to be a fairly common base.

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There are so many fucking clues in this house.

We know where

it's too late.

You're going to trophy world.

Yeah, everyone's going to be.

Do you know those clues?

No, I didn't.

Maybe we know where they are.

They're going to be there at midnight.

We just got to get the trophy.

Yeah, hey, hold on.

Farnsworth, you know your house.

No, it's too late.

You've sworn to me.

Farnsworth's too late.

Farnsworth, tell me about all the clues in your house.

Like, Farnsworth on top of your house.

My hair is full of clues.

Does Francis' mom have any clues?

Hey, mom, did you get anything from the wreckage of that weird Mothman that fucked me up?

You know, maybe someone would have seen a way to go find Mothman, but we'll never know because we're on our way to house trophy.

Hey, we got trophy man for the universe.

Shit out of Mothman.

That shit freaked me out.

That was crazy.

He's a monster.

That's

a living monster.

Do you understand how crazy it is to chase a living monster?

Tony, Tony, Tony, we have a child with us.

Let's calm down on the the monster.

I'm sorry, Kim Juan.

I've lost my cool there for a second.

So all of you and Kimon Juan and her shotgun hop into your Ford Edsel, which only took, I think, four points of damage or three points of damage last time.

So we'll say it still drives.

And you have to go to the bathroom.

Right now, just get a lot of photographic evidence, and you can claim that she was driving it when it crashed.

What do you think Tony's doing, baby?

What do you think Tony's doing?

Oh, Kimon.

What would you drive?

Kimon, why don't you try to get your hands around the wheel of this large American automobile?

I'm gonna

give it a shot.

I'm just gonna keep it.

You work the pedals, you work the wheel, baby.

I'm just gonna keep this shotgun pointed at the back of your seat.

I'm trying to fuck my mom.

I'm not trying to fuck your mom.

Is he still drunk?

Yeah.

We're really sorry about that.

There's nothing wrong with that.

I noticed there's no seatbelts in this car.

They're optional.

This way you can slide around.

I really feel those turns.

Whoa.

Woo.

Check this out.

I pull a right turn.

Oh!

That's right, baby.

That's what they used to do.

You know how people get like Teslas and they said to like Luther Christmas and everyone's like, oh, it's like being in a roller coaster.

Back in the 50s, they just took 90-degree turns.

That's all it took, baby.

Are you under the impression that cars couldn't turn right until the 1950s?

Well, like, you know, like, we can slide around, pick bench seats.

Why?

All right, all right, all right.

You make your way to town.

Shakily.

Shakily to town.

Some swerbs along the way.

We'll say it's now 10 o'clock.

Tony, you know what?

You're all right.

Kelsey's really enjoying this ride.

Turn more.

Oh, no problem.

That's back to what this wheel does.

Kelsey, would you like to try this thing?

Give me my camera.

Of course, give me my camera.

Well, Tony, no, I would love to drive, but not if you're going to photograph me for evidence for your crime.

That's a fair shake.

Straight shooter.

You arrive at Hal's Trophy World.

It's closed.

How?

It's very close.

Open up.

How?

Your kids are going to be doing homework.

terminator as mark

george and julie come on open up

kids are terrified of this woman right like would you imagine

like you're about to go to bed and you hear her voice out your window

it's like night of the hunter where shadows just on the wall

could you imagine that oh my god These kids are getting their time.

There's like math and English tattooed on her knuckles.

I'm going to roll spot hidden to see if there's a secret key somewhere.

Oh, I love that.

Give me a spot hidden.

Oh, no.

I got a 79 and my skill is at 50.

Okay, so you don't find anything.

You don't find anything, but you do see, despite the fact that the door is locked and the windows are like boarded up,

is a car out back.

And you can see like a crack of light coming in from inside.

Can Kelsey roll history

to remember if she did notice any clues a few hours ago at the house.

You fucking cheater.

Fuck.

Yeah, go ahead.

Give me a history, Roll, and I'll give you a clue.

You know, it's really for Will because he works so hard on the clues.

I failed.

So there's a car here.

There's a car here, but the place is locked up.

I pound on the door.

Doodleoo.

I mean, hello.

Wait, how do they, wait.

Hello, you're good, Trudy.

You're first advice, Trudy.

Yeah, you did fine.

So the door cracks open an inch, and you see a man on the other side.

You can't quite see his face, and he's like, what do you want?

Who is this?

Oh, isn't it a trophy?

Who am I talking about?

Emergency.

It's an emergency telephone chamber of commerce, member of the children.

It's just Tony.

Tony Klet.

Oh, are you guys guttural scream?

Yes.

You better come in.

Quick, quick.

What?

Is his face going to be all scary when we stay in the way?

Is he going to do something to our team?

So he opens the door there's nothing wrong with his face okay hair looks a little wet oh no

with what so he lets you all in come in come in come in here quick quick quick i'm gonna stay here at the door though okay that's fine as he opens the door okay at the back you see a trophy basically identical oh cool oh can we have that

no no no no you guys got to come in quick dick could be out of here they're looking for you oh looking for

everybody everybody's looking for you they're everywhere haven't you seen them no haven't you seen them outside your houses?

Oh my god, they're gonna fucking get in.

Okay, let's go.

Okay.

We go in.

So inside, you see this store.

There's trophies everywhere of all shapes and sizes.

We could really fuck up a generation by giving them a lot of these.

I've got this new one.

It's called a participation trophy.

Your kids are going to love it.

He's like, how do I sell trophies to stupid kids who can't win anything?

Fonzo, I'm listening out on.

Fonzo, don't you feel like you could have used some of these and you would have helped?

The problem is that we only give one trophy per event.

So he says, okay, come come in, go in, cook, go, go, and he closes the door.

Fonzo's trying not to be intimidated by all this excellence.

So, you guys won the trophy.

No, you're my mom.

Yeah, we won, but you, but I'm also kind of nagging you in the attempting.

You can't fuck my mom by nagging me.

That's not how it's not transitive.

Francis, do you think you should be talking about your mom like that when she's here?

Oh, who is she?

I said there's a four-man team.

Who the hell is this?

This is my mom.

Why is your mom with you?

I'm here to protect you.

Sometimes I get scared.

Okay.

I guess you can come in too.

As long as you guys are all together, you're all part of, you know, guttural scream.

That's good.

Yeah.

Look, you won the trophy.

yeah you've seen the trophy we lost it to a giant monster i heard about the monster and the monster didn't even leave any clues as to how we could find him because he's not a trace nothing

i've been thinking really hard about what we saw but it's just mostly a car crash is what i remember

scary how quiet it was i remember that trophy

what did you see when you looked at it uh it's on my face kind of weird

i'll be honest ever since i've turned 40 every time i look in the mirror i'm it's always a little it's a little different.

I remember.

I saw myself smiling.

Yeah.

Well, that's never happened.

Like in a fucked up boy.

How about you, Trudy?

Oh, yes, I remember that.

Well, let me tell you, you should have seen the original, like I did.

The original?

Well, the original before I had to cover it up for Mr.

Friedman, the bowling alley owner, of course.

Okay, the original of what?

The original of the trophy.

The cup.

We had a fake trophy.

We had a fake trophy.

Well, it was there.

We just had to cover it with a little bit of gold lacquer to keep it from people.

You see, Mr.

Friedman, he gives me little trinkets now and then to cover up so that he can pass them along to the powers that be without the ones who watch watching.

That's how we're able to move them around.

That was kind of what happened.

They were supposed to get the trophy because under the trophy is the cup, and the cup is very important.

And it seems like you guys got it.

Now everything's out of control.

Everything's a mess.

But don't worry because I saw things in that cup, man.

And you don't want any part of that dish, let me tell you.

You don't want any part of what was in that cup.

Quick, quick, quick, team hole.

T-Mozzles, Demos, Demos, Demo, Tony, T-Go this man is speaking like my cousin Susie after the lobotomy.

Yeah, I was about to say, Tony, you found war.

Is this, I'm not at sea yet, but this does feel like, is this a communist?

He will want.

We should shoot this man.

Use your shotgun.

Mom, don't shoot him.

As you guys are talking, you notice something, which is a smell in the air, which is like a harsh chemical smell.

Trudy would know chemicals used to clean a house with very well.

Oh, yeah.

You recognize turpentine.

Oh.

And you recognize paint thinner.

And you know from holding them up to the stove to read the instructions that both of them are very flammable.

Oh.

And this place seems to be reeking of them.

Interesting.

And right as that realization comes to you, you hear the Deadbolt slideshow.

No, remember I said I was standing next to the door.

You say, okay, well, you hear the Deadbolt slideshow next to you, next to the door.

I'm telling you, I saw something very bad.

I saw something bad.

in that cup.

It's going to happen.

It's going to happen right here.

I saw the bison screaming and brave Zuzel rising in the light of Adothy.

And I saw the Magadhore groaning as she read from the book of many eyes.

And I saw the best minds of Nicholas destroyed by madness, stunning, hysterical, naked.

But you will be spared.

You will be spared.

You will be spared.

And I will be spared by the flame.

And he sparks up a Zippo that's now in his hand.

And you realize that his hair is wet with the same paint thinner that he's been doing.

Being a lover of cigarettes, the moment she found a Zippo, she wants to try to grab it.

Okay, go for it.

Is that dex?

That's an opposed dexterity roll.

So he's going to roll his dexterity.

I rolled a 98.

Yeah, I think a 98 is a fumble.

A fumble in a trophy shop.

Instead of grabbing his Zippo, she just pulled out her own Zippo and lit it.

I got it.

Oh, no.

And he says, no, no, no, no, no.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Everything's going to be okay.

Everything's going to be fine.

You slipped in the gasoline easily.

That's your fumble.

You went for his thing.

You slipped on the floor because you're actually standing in a huge puddle of paint, which is now splashed onto your clothes.

He says, it's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I just want you all to close your eyes and just be ready to embrace the flame.

Mom, maybe shoot this guy.

What are you crazy for shooting me?

It's going to drop the zippo and this whole place is going to go up.

Oh, yeah, maybe not.

Plus, the spark from the gun.

Kelsey's being very quiet, and Kelsey is trying to like slip underneath him, hoping that if he drops it, she can't get it.

You can catch it.

Okay, good, good, good.

I like that.

And Tony would like to try and fast talk him by pulling out his Zippo.

Okay.

Go ahead.

Now, has he sparked up his Zippo?

He sparked it up.

I sparked up mine.

I'm like, ah, yeah, right there.

You got a Zippo lighter.

One of America's best.

But what you should really carry out.

One of America's best, and we must protect this guy.

But what you should be really caring about is the new Zippo.

Have you seen the new one?

New expanded features, the post-World War II updates.

What is it?

Oh, my goodness.

And what are you talking about?

First and foremost, it's that the nap for flame.

Why not bother with clean kerosene, greater burn, greater efficiency?

It does no longer imparts a taste on the cigar.

He's trying to sell him his Zippo, which is like, ah, this is the new version.

I stand with this, the Ike version.

Give me a fast talk roll.

My fast talk, which I put a lot in, was 55

year old

of 56.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Now, I will remind you guys: you have the same way that we did in Mountains of Dadness, you have a stat called luck.

Ooh, that's right.

What do you do?

It's a luck roll, but you can also spend a luck point to nudge a dice roll a point.

Oh, I want to do that.

You can do as much as you can.

But like I 65, so I could have used like a ton to like grab the Zippo.

Yes, we are saying that that is a thing that we can do.

Very good.

I'm going to nudge it down one to just be a narrow success.

So, yeah, he is distracted by Tony Collette's fast-talking Zippo sale.

Like, as he's looking at it,

he's like, oh my God, I almost burned this place down with a shitty Zippo.

Like, oh my God, that would have been swelling.

You're living for length of burn, my man.

Well, how long can that one last?

What?

45, 50 seconds?

Right, that's right.

Your Zippo is much better than this one.

Well, show me how it works.

Show me how it works.

While he's distracted by the Zippo, Francis would like to try to sneak past him and grab the other trophy that looks identical to the one that we're trying to get.

Okay, smart, smart, smart, smart.

Give me a stealth roll.

All right.

I got 90 into stealth.

Okay.

I rolled a 73, so it's success.

Nice.

Yeah, you've made it over to the trophy and you've successfully grabbed it from the wall.

I'm going to try to sneak back towards the door.

Okay.

Are there any other exits in there?

You see, there's a back room.

There's a back room.

And what was the god he said?

Zazu?

It was.

Wait, that's the guy from Lion Cave.

Yeah.

You heard him say Brave Zuzel.

Brave Zuzel.

Z-H-O-U-Z-E-L.

Z-H.

Well, you don't know how he said.

This is a non-Euclidean, terrifying language.

This is only us humans humans trying to say the true name.

Do you know what I mean?

That was like, oh, A or B?

A or B, baby.

That's my secret power.

No, the furthest thing.

Take one sanity point for hearing the letter Z.

The furthest thing.

The furthest thing from the letter A.

Z is like...

Every time you hear something that Z, you're like, there's so much knowledge left.

I'm so far from understanding the true name.

You're trying to hear the Z word.

She goes, like, I'm never going to finish this encyclopedia.

Give me a sanity roll.

Oh, I got a one.

All right, great.

So sane, babe.

She believes in reincarnation.

She goes, that's just another life I'll get to Z.

It's okay.

Write down beliefs in reincarnation on your character sheet.

That might come back later.

What's Trudy doing?

I think Trudy is going to check that door to the other room.

Are you going to try to sneak over there?

What are you going to do?

Yeah, I will try to stealthily go over there.

Okay, great.

Give me a stealth roll.

God damn it, I failed.

Uh-oh.

What happens while you're going over there?

How do you give yourself away?

I think Trudy's just like, oh, I hope I don't get caught.

and how sees you sneaking towards him he says no no you stay away from you're all trying to trick me i know it no you almost had me with your fast stock but i see your friends are all sneaking around me so you know what

he drops the zippo oh no but i'm right underneath him give me a dexterity roll and hope you do well it's landing on you and you're soaked in gasoline right now basically

luck okay oh

my dexterity

is 60 and i got a 63 okay so i'm gonna nudge it three points three points I'm going to do four points.

Okay.

Now remember, your luck is permanently lowered now.

Yeah, yeah.

I got a 65 luck.

Okay, great.

So there we go.

All right.

So you got to.

I got 61 luck.

Oh, no.

You catch it with your two fingers.

You know what?

I use another point of luck, Will.

I got plenty of fucking luck.

Yeah, darling.

All right, sir.

Don't you?

Give it a fear.

59.

No, another one.

Why not keep talking?

I'll use more, Will.

I don't care.

Keep talking about use more.

I'll just kill your character faster.

That's fine.

Fine.

58, buddy.

I'm down at 58.

You say,

you really show the math.

All right.

Hell yeah, Freddy.

Tell me how you catch this extra luckily.

Oh, extra luckily.

You know what?

Since it says that lucky, also the moment I fell, she went, oh no, and she like thought about her death, and she just put her hands up to protect herself, but her hands haven't touched the gasoline yet or anything.

It just lands in her hands.

Oh, that's really cool.

Trudy looks over to one of the trophies and it's like that pose exactly.

She's like, oh,

you go insane.

That's a saddie check.

It lands hinged cap first, so it just like closes.

Yeah, closes.

Oh, okay.

So

And it's closed.

The second you hear the hinged cap close, Kamone Juan, because she hasn't gone yet.

She is going to crack him across the face with the back of the shotgun like a baseball bat.

Okay.

Baseball bat.

That's a B.

Just so you know.

Like a baseball bat.

Yeah.

Ooh.

She takes a swing and he ducks under it.

And he sees your Zippo, which is still open, Freddy, and he dives to tackle you.

Can I toss it to him and then bluff him, then deck him across the face?

I'm trying to like throw him off.

Why don't you just deck him?

All right.

I could just deck him.

It's up to you.

It's up to you.

No, no, no, no, but we'll call this a maneuver, essentially.

Don't give the man fire, please.

This is cool.

I mean, like, I'm not.

Me as the person who will be able to don't give him the lighter, please.

Your options are when you are attacked, is you can either fight back, you can dodge, or you can do a combat maneuver where you essentially try to maneuver them around.

So this isn't really a maneuver, but we'll call it like a psychological.

Well, here's what it is.

Here's what I was thinking.

As he comes in, I'll be like, huh.

And I like take my very chrome Zippo and I like try to flash his eyes with it, you know, with the glare of a lamp, you know, just a pin prank source.

That tiny bit is the difference between life and death in a hand-to-hand combat scenarios.

The USMC teaches this to all the Marines who are stationed in the Pacific.

They know.

That's how we won the Korean War with a bunch of Marines just shining lights into people's eyes.

Any advantage you can get in the moment, in the heat of battle, can be the difference between life and death.

So you are trying to shine your shiny chrome Zippo so that he like is dazed.

So then he blinks and then I can judo him around towards the back room.

Here's what we're going to do.

We're going to call this a judo flip.

What's your build size?

My build size is one.

All right, so he's smaller than you.

He's a shrimpy little man.

He wants your Zippo.

He's trying to grapple you.

So are you going to try to fight him, dodge him back, or do you want to do an opposed maneuver?

I'll do an opposed maneuver.

Okay, great.

And you're bigger than him, so he gets a disadvantage dice.

So he fails his maneuver.

So you're trying to flip him?

Yeah, I'm trying to basically like grab his arm and spin him around towards the back room.

Let's call that a strength roll.

66 off of 70.

I succeed.

He fails to grab your Zippo.

Just describe how you throw him.

Yeah, so he comes at me with his arms outstretched for my zip.

Aha, you want this?

You want this?

And I grab his outstretched arm and I just sort of spin around like over here, over here, over here, over here.

And then I lead him like careening towards, because there's like a back room, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we all have a stuff, right?

And like, maybe I throw the Zippo in towards the back.

Why do you have to keep him the zippo?

Why every part of this whole thing Covered in gasoline.

That's your problem, man.

You can throw the Zippo on your next turn.

So you essentially yeet him towards the back.

Correct.

All right, which means that he has just crash-landed at your feet, Trudy.

Hi, Hal.

I was just wondering, you want to do all of this for Zahul, right?

No, no, no.

You misunderstand completely.

I'm trying to save us from him by purging us in fire.

Because what's going to come is so much worse than this.

You don't understand?

None of you understand what's about to happen.

You're going to wish that you let me burn you.

You're going to wish that you died!

No, I understand completely, and I recommend that you try Mama's Little Helper.

Just a few drugs I had around the house that helped me relax after a long day of hustling after my kiddos and cleaning the home.

Please try this.

It will make you feel so much better, and everything will light on fire so fast, so fast, so fast.

Okay, and she extends her hand where there's a, I think think the 1950s version of Valium is like Librium or something.

Yeah.

Everything I know from that is just

whatever Trudy's definitely been using on her kids to make them go to sleep at night.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

And you want to do a psychology role to get him to take it.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Give me a psychology role.

Okay.

I think I will.

Yes.

I got a 28 and my psychology is 40.

Wow.

Okay.

So he's like, yes, sleep.

Sleep.

You're saying this will be like, oh,

an eternal sleep.

An eternal sleep.

Sure.

Yes.

That sounds, you know, I was thinking.

You might have a little headache in eternity, but that's all part of the process.

Okay, so we all take them.

We all take them.

You take it and then we'll take it after you.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

I will.

I will.

Yes.

Oh, this is so much better than burning.

Thank you so much.

Of course.

And he pops this pill and is like, so when do i sleep when do i sleep forever how long does that take i should be any any moment now

okay well uh you guys are gonna take them now too right well where are the rest of them look him back there

lock the door is he distracted can i punch him i want to sucker punch him in the back of the head you want to sucker punch him in the back of the head while trudy's too yes the fire is all around us but i notice a certain fire in your eyes i try to catch trudy's eyes to be like keep distracting all right well now call this a separate role we'll call this a trudy is going to do a i guess this would be fast talk as well or charm whatever you want to call it charm okay

oh frick yes i got a 16 and my charm is 55.

okay wow all right great well what do you say to him as i was saying there's a certain fire in your eyes you must be such a strong muscly man i wonder if you have any experience with 1-800 ball

1-800 ball i mean i don't know that number i don't i don't know what you're talking about but you know i often you know sometimes i look at the big muscly men on the trophies and I'm like, I wish I could look like that.

And I don't.

There's another reason that this isn't.

You don't look like that in my eyes.

You say what?

Um, what?

I would never say something to a man that wasn't my husband, but if I did, maybe I would say.

I have a husband.

Okay, forget it.

Sorry, I just thought that was.

Come on, Jeff.

Yeah, go ahead.

So then Kelsey brings her arm back.

If you cross-cut to your encyclopedia, you see what happens when you punch somebody in the back of the head.

Question mark.

Doesn't her brain damage the article?

Yeah.

And she fucking cracks her knuckles and she swings and sucker punches him in the back of the head using brawl.

I'm assuming, right?

Yes, that's brawl.

And because he's distracted, this is an automatic hit.

Okay.

Give me a dex just to show if you don't fumble.

Like, I'll give it to you.

Well, my brawler.

Or give me her fighting brawl.

Yeah, brawl's strong because she's been boxing.

She has a 65 on brawl.

Holy shit.

She's really good at teaching and boxing.

Okay.

I'm going to use some of my luck.

Oh, dear.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

She talks such big games.

I'm using it all down.

I'm I'm going to use four points.

It wasn't that far off.

Four points of luck.

So you're now down to 53.

I'm at 54.

Okay.

Well, you want me to be at 53?

I'll be at fucking 53 if you want, Will.

No, stop it.

What are you doing that?

I'm at 54.

We're only like 20 episodes of this.

Why are you all suicidal?

Freddy's trying to give him the lighter.

You're trying to get rid of your luck.

You try not use luck on this.

Fine, I don't use luck on this.

No, you use your luck.

Now I'm all worried.

I missed the punch.

But you said it hit automatically.

I want the rules.

Now you want the rules.

All I said was that if you fucked up, you wouldn't fumble.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

So yes, you you hit him in the back of the head, roll for damage.

1D, 3.

So 3, 3 damage.

Yeah, you crack him in the back of the head, and he spins around.

He's like, why do I keep falling for this?

Why do I keep...

I know that you need to punch him in the back of the head.

I roll spanking.

He has turned.

He has spanking staff.

He has turned.

He has turned.

All right.

We'll do the spanking.

I want to give Anthony a turn because it's been a minute and we really should have done fucking initiative, but oh well.

He's not expecting that.

Oh, I fail my spanking roll.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, you swatted his butt, but he just nimbly.

He likes it.

He likes it.

This is what he wasn't getting from 1-800.

No, I'm so confused.

What is everyone's deck score?

We'll do it in that.

25.

60.

60 also.

25.

So here's the scene as it now stands.

Francis and Tony are by the door with Kamon Juan, and they have the trophy.

Meanwhile, the two of you, Kelsey and Trudy, are just giving him an Abbott and Costello routine, spanking and punching him repeatedly in the back of the head by the back of the room.

He's loving it.

And he is both aroused and enraged and confused and disoriented.

And he really wants to light you all on fire.

What says God's name?

We'll be like, oh, this is.

The Owls of Gahul.

It's the Owls.

Yes, it's the Owls of God.

What's his name?

No, I'm not telling you.

Zebla Blah Bois.

Zuzel.

Zuzel.

Zuzel's slapping you.

What?

Zuzel's giving it to you, honey.

I don't like Zuzel.

I'm trying to save us from Zuzel.

Wait,

you sure you don't like Zuzel?

I spank his butt.

Francis, what would you like to do?

Francis is going to just try to wrench open the door.

Yeah, he just deadbolted it.

He didn't like do anything to it.

So yes, you can open the door.

Okay.

So I open the door and I just run outside.

I go, guys, just run.

It's fine.

Your mom's like, oh, yeah, what are we doing?

And then she comes with you and then stands by the door ready to blast this guy if he's.

Yeah, you can shoot him from outside.

Yeah, that's great because then we won't burn anything.

This is what I'm saying, Francis.

These people, like, I want you to learn from them, but I also want you to learn that sometimes you can't learn from people.

Do you know what I mean?

No.

Okay.

So it is now Tony's turn.

I judoed him towards the back.

Yes, nearby the door as well.

So Tony's going to be like, shoot them.

Shoot them.

Just shoot them.

Shoot them now.

Shoot them now.

Shoot.

Shoot the gun.

Shoot the gun, Kimoj.

Shoot the guy.

Shoot him.

Shoot them now.

Sorry.

Are you leaving?

Are you leaving this?

Yeah, I'm leaving.

Okay.

All right.

Wait for us.

Shoot him.

Shoot him.

That's a shotgun.

There's three of them right there.

I'm going to hit all of them.

Don't you know what I'm doing?

Are you doing that?

You did it.

Dude, you're going to do World War II.

You do that.

You're so stupid.

You do what you're going to do.

You're so stupid and bad.

I can't believe you're going to have fun.

You're going to have a half a second.

What about that?

Am I persuasive?

She's not going to shoot us.

No.

Because the two of them are right in there, too, right now.

So she's like, no, I'm not going to shoot right now.

If he comes out the door, I will shoot him, okay?

You haven't?

And Terry goes, oh, oh, my God.

Okay, so the two of you, everyone has abandoned you, and you're now both of you in a room soaked in.

I'm deck 60, right?

Yes.

Do I get it going now?

It's the top of the turnover, so it's Hal's turn now.

Oh.

So Hal's like, no, no, no, no, this isn't how it's supposed to go.

And he is getting very sleepy.

That's good.

How would we roll for like sleeping pills?

Constitution?

Okay, yes.

We'll give him a constitution roll.

If he fails his constitution roll, then he will have disadvantage on his actions going forward.

So yes.

And he's like, this is, you just, you have

to say, oh,

this is good.

It's like, I can still save you.

I can still save the two women.

I can still protect you.

And he is going to fumble around and he finds a box of matches in his pocket and he's going to try to strike one.

Well, this guy has flammable things all over.

He succeeds on his role.

So he's now sparked another match.

Are you sure he's not a little itchy?

It's a side effect.

Of what?

Of the tranquilizer from the 50s.

And he scratches himself a lot because he's a little itchy.

And the match catches onto his fucking face.

I blow it out.

Okay, you're going to blow it out?

Okay.

Damn, the match is one weakness, dude.

Damn, dog.

Wish you have the Zippo still.

Yeah, that's right.

They marked him with the Zippo as the one that wouldn't go out in the wind.

We're going to call this an attack roll, and he's going to get a chance to dodge your little puff.

I want to use my English language.

You want to use your English?

I'm going to teach you.

I got good.

Yeah.

You're going to shush him.

Yeah.

So you want to use your English skill.

Truth, I got to go shush to blow it out the match.

And he's disadvantaged and sleepy.

And he pulled out the match and lit it.

You tell me what do you want me to do.

This is a sort of off-label use of the English skill.

This is because you have a really high English skill.

I'm not fighting him.

I'm blowing it out.

And I saw him being.

That's why I stopped fighting.

That's you.

All right.

Give me a constitution roll.

There's a lot of fumes in here.

Because you're going to breathe in to blow.

I got 58 of my constitution 60.

Not exactly easy, but I passed.

All right.

What do you do?

What is your new?

You can also move if you would like to.

Oh, I say, shame on you.

And then I walk away

like a fucking teacher, just chill as fuck.

Trudy, what would you like to do?

He's fumbling in his pocket for another match right now.

I'm going to run.

You both make it out the door.

I assume you all pile into the car.

And we slammed the door.

You slammed the door.

On him.

Okay.

As you're running towards the car, you hear him say, You'll be sorry.

You'll all be sorry.

You'll wish you'd burned.

And then you hear a match strike, and you watch as a glow fills the air from inside of Hal's Trophy World.

And you hear a blood-curdling scream, followed by laughing, followed by silence as the entire building begins to burn behind you.

You check your feed and account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Tony Collette lights his cigarette right in time with it.

He goes, I beat that guy and I got in a car accident earlier.

kelsey pulls out her cigarette and leans forward wanting you to light her cigarette here have a smoke why are you guys so calm we just watched the man die we're not calm this is what adults do when we're not calm you take one of these you know what you're old enough you should be you should be smoking too sad how many are you doing a day mommy is it okay if i i take a cigarette i've repeatedly asked you not to call me mommy anymore

and the whole point the whole point is for you to start making your own decisions francis yeah give it let me light up here you go is this your first cigarette yeah give me a disadvantaged constitution roll.

My constitution is 25.

I got a 58.

You are now nauseous, and you are going to have disadvantage on your constitution checks for the rest of the night.

Great.

You handle that pretty well.

Somebody needs an extra cigarette.

Oh, dang, another one.

The second one goes down smoother.

Yeah, give me one.

I got two cigarettes in my mouth.

I'm like, oh, yeah, I see the appeal.

Clapping the mom's back.

Wow.

Kamon Juan just nods sagely like, that's my boy.

Wow, I hope Hal's okay.

It seemed like it was a pleasure to burn.

Wow.

Oh, wow.

I should write that down.

I guess we should just drive too.

We gotta go to, we have the Peachy Canyon Road.

We're on 95

Peachy Canyon Road.

Yeah.

Okay.

Where the hell is that?

Just use it.

I guess we'll just get on Peachy Canyon Road.

Let's get on.

Yeah, I'm not so smart with your fucking map quest now.

Google Maps Road on the ground.

I get on Peachy Canyon Road and I turn south.

Okay.

How are the numbers?

Are they going up or down?

It's right next to Bob's big boy burgers.

Freddy, give me a luck roll.

A luck roll, you say.

Well, with a 70 luck, that should be no problem.

79, I miss it.

Ah, James, it's the wrong way.

I'm putting you a U-turn.

Everyone, hold on.

Everyone slides.

Everyone slides to the right side of the car.

Okay, are the numbers going the right direction?

Wait,

how much does one of these cost?

Oh, well, I have a number of financing plans that I could get you under.

Wait, how much are you making?

Well, that's rude.

And if you want to rent,

Tony's the worst fucking salesman of all time.

But I have a teacher.

It's just, you know, my neighbors and my friends are all just right next door, and the school's just behind my house.

Well, this one here is $2,200.

Ooh, that's...

All the money I've ever made in my entire life.

Do you believe that women with jobs make money?

I've heard of everything, Mara.

You can make money.

I make money.

All right.

$125.

$125.

I think we're here.

$125?

All right.

No, $195.

No, hold on.

We have a little bit ways to go.

What to die?

You pull up to 195 Peachy Canyon Road.

This one's in.

Oh, my God.

Okay, Will, some feedback for you.

It should have been 195 Peachy Canyon Drive, so it rhymed.

195 Peachy Canyon Drive.

It's 195 Peachy Canyon Drive.

And guess what, Beth?

It's also the location of the Peachy Plex Drive-In Movie Theater.

Holy shit!

Holy shit.

What's playing?

Video Game High School.

You'll never guess what's playing.

Why the marquee reads, Forefathers in Fantasyland.

Oh.

Starring Spencer Tracy as Daryl Wilson, Jared Jimmy Stewart as Henry Oak, Marlon Brando as Ron Stampler.

And who else but Mickey Rooney as Glenn Collins?

Mickey Rooney, he makes me feel all sorts of things.

Mickey Rooney.

What did I say?

I didn't mean to catch this picture.

I could teach him a thing or two.

I'll tell you what.

I heard this one's good, and the sequel's not quite up to stuff.

If Mickey's in it, I'll see you.

You pull up to the drive-in movie theater.

Oh, Mickey.

So now let me ask you this.

Are we pulling into it?

Like, do we have any...

Hey, Trudy, did we have any instructions?

Anything to follow?

To bring the trophy.

Well, we have the trophy.

Or at least a reasonable faximity of it.

And I think they'll find us if they've been watching us this whole time.

Oh, they've been watching us the whole time.

How could they have been watching us this whole time?

I don't know.

How did a big moth creature break into my room and almost kill me?

That's such a good point.

It was a bat, I think.

It was too big to be a bat.

I fought it.

You're right.

First rule of scientific discovery is: I got to accept what I saw.

It was a big monster.

You're right, Francis.

It was a big monster.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, okay.

Feels very validating to hear that from an authority figure.

Yeah, well, you know what?

Don't let it get to your head, though.

And remember, just because an authority figure said it doesn't mean that it's true.

Oh, my God.

But it might be.

You're a straight shooter, Kimono.

I don't want you to talk to me.

Ha ha!

Nobody's fucking my mom tonight.

Except for my language.

Larry.

Nobody's making love to my mom tonight.

Don't curse your mother in that way.

Excuse me.

That's my son.

And you are not his father.

Yeah, back off.

Okay, all right.

Whoa, geez.

As you pull up, there's like a ticket taker that I, it's been a while since I've been to a drive-thru, but we're going to say it's a drive-thru ticket taker.

A drive-in.

Yeah, at the drive-in.

I just drove three straight through the movie.

Wow.

How are they going going to make money on this?

Even in a second, he gets me going.

Take me home.

I need to be alone.

One month of Mickey.

Good thing we came in on a Mickey scene.

One car worth of tickets, please.

Ah, very well, sir.

It's like the squeaky, oh, hey, I kind of sound like Fray.

What's up, Francis?

Hey, man.

You give me the reels?

Yeah, dude, you know.

Get out of here, man.

Sticky Rick, who's the second most bullied kid in school.

You know, at least I got someone to look down on.

Does he see Francis smoking a cigarette?

He's like, oh, no.

Oh, whoa, Francis.

Yeah, I'm cool now.

Francis brought the cool.

I got one cigarette on either side of my mouth.

I'm twice as cool as my father.

I'm going to rethink some things.

Enjoy the movie.

Tune into 89.3 FM to listen along to the film.

And he gets this nervous look, and he kind of looks around, shiftily to bushes and he's like, hey, I have this free collector's popcorn bucket comboments of the house.

And he shoves it to you.

And it's like a big old toon ass fucking popcorn bucket dude.

Is it a fucking fucking fuckable dude?

It's a Ford Edson car pussy themed 1950s collective.

Sticky Rick always takes care of me, my man.

This is why I work tight.

Why is he called sticky Rick?

You have a condition.

Oh.

Don't be mean.

Give me a spot hidden.

Yeah, I wanted to look at this popcorn.

Oh, you don't need if you're going to actually look at it.

Yeah, also I'm going to be like, Rick, first off, you keep it up with your homework.

Oh, you know it, Miss Grammar.

Yeah, just double-check it.

Check all the kids.

I do all my homework.

That's why I am the second most, or maybe the first most bullied kid in school now.

You hit force the ground, man.

I always tell you: do enough homework to keep me satisfied, but not too much so that kids make fun of you.

You gotta learn that balance sticking, Rick.

Ah, it's just, it's been tough.

B.

That's what you want.

That's a B.

And A, unless you're an astronaut, that's going to give you B.

Wait, astronaut?

Yeah, some forward-thinking idea.

You're right.

You have some forward-thinking ideas lately.

We're looking for BB.

She supposedly was brought here by some people.

We probably think it was a big thing.

Italians.

Yeah, any car is extra loud.

Yes, any smooth curved cars are extra loud.

The cars are shaking because their hands are moving so much.

A little shifty on the way in.

Slow.

I'd say weak cars.

I'd say, you know, I can't say that I noticed anything, but just enjoy your popcorn.

Enjoy your popcorn and maybe look at your popcorn.

Okay.

Enjoy the movie.

Oh, thanks.

While Tony Collette does a scan for a shifty Italian automobiles.

I'm going to get sued by the Italian console.

Oh, no.

What are they going to do?

Oh, no.

No more sticks.

Are we going to join up with Hitler again?

No more F1 cars and fucking.

No, no, I know a Ferrari.

I saw that movie.

That guy sucked.

That's all I got.

All I know is that there's two movies.

No, it was Ford versus Ferrari.

Ford versus

Ford 1.

And then there was Ferrari.

And Ferrari sucked.

He guy was bad.

I like the movie, by the way.

But he was sucked.

I say, no, it's all shared the popcorn, so I'm going to split the popcorn in five ways.

Probably means I'm going to see if there's anything inside the popcorn.

Okay, so written on the side of the bucket.

Oh.

Under the dune pussy.

Let's see.

Okay.

I usually only see this in the mirror.

Huh?

No, I said

I usually only see this in the mirror.

What the fuck?

Sorry.

Fuck, that's good.

All right.

What did I see written on the bucket?

It says 107.5 FM instead of 89.3 FM.

Because normally you have to tune into the radio, so you're getting too much.

Siggy Rick, I'm confused.

Which one of these FM radios are we supposed to listen to?

get me killed.

Just go away.

Just go away and do what it says on the popcorn.

I'm so scared.

The men were so scary.

Stop talking to me.

Just do what they said.

Please.

Please.

I don't want to die even if I am the most buddy school guy.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Drive forward.

I'm the one driving.

Yeah.

All right.

Stop.

Okay.

So good, Judy.

Okay.

So you guys are at the movie theater.

They have like little designated parking spots, and you just pull into an empty spot.

Like, Freddie, you're driving.

Yeah, I'm going to pull into the stop.

Oh, this is the smoocher's spot.

This is for all the kids doing heavy petting instead of watching the movies.

We don't want to.

And I take a quick inventory of how many cars are being used in my cars.

You see a couple of Tony's cars, Scars cars that are a little fogged up and kind of maybe moving back and forth a little bit.

I'm going to charge a little extra for the cleaning fee for those ones.

You're cleaning your cars.

All the deans are petting the cars.

Like, I don't get it.

Are we supposed to pet it harder?

I heard the term heavy petting, and that was as far as I got.

Yeah.

Turn into the radio station.

107.

Something.

107.5 FM.

I remember numbers now.

After forgetting a number last time.

You're great, Trudy.

Trudy, you recognize the same voice that you heard on the phone.

A man's voice.

Say, freaking, finally, you're here.

Okay, great.

Listen.

What did we miss?

If you're talking, this is a one-way radio.

We don't have the ability to communicate with you.

Oh, that's right.

Here's what we want you to do.

You put the trophy in the popcorn bucket.

You put the bucket on the ground.

One of us will come get the bucket.

And then we will give you the girl.

I wrote on the window, where's BB?

Oh my God.

What are you doing?

Where's BB?

We're not.

We can't look.

Lady, give us the popcorn.

This is a BSD.

We need proof of life.

Yeah.

Okay, give me a listen roll.

I failed.

I fail as well.

With my military training, I use one luck to get to a 50, which gives me a pass.

I failed.

I got a 41 and 25.

I've honed my ears.

Tony, with your military training, in the faint background,

you hear a tapping, like a light tapping, but it sounds too rhythmic.

And you can almost swear that it sounds like Morse code.

Morse code.

Do you actually know Morse code?

Me, real life, Ready?

Tony, does Tony Colette know Morse code?

Do they teach you that in the military?

Let me think.

Let me think.

Hold on.

Let me just check something.

I think they do.

Critical skill taught to millie personality.

Yeah, Morse code was an essential skill.

Especially in communications, but yeah, it seems like a pretty good, important thing to have.

So we'll say you know Morse code?

Yeah, I've picked it up.

Give me an intelligence role.

All right, yeah.

To see if you can decode the message.

14.

Oh, shit.

That is not a fifth of 65.

It is one away from a fifth.

Okay, but very good role.

Basically, you're hearing like,

it's BB.

I'm in

trunk.

Just...

Looped over and over again.

And then meanwhile, the voices are saying like, listen, fucking forget it.

You came out here.

we will show you once we get the trophy beebs is trying to communicate with us what how with morse code a series of dits and dashes to communicate to you here nearby like i'm hearing it over the radio but listen to this this person they have to be within low band fm radio range and that's a trunk that means that they're in the car and they're around here somewhere we should just fan out and look for the car Stealth mission.

Cars are in here.

The average.

Okay, what do you got?

I start beeping in Morse code.

beeping the horn, and I beep back, kick, light.

Okay, I like that.

I like that.

So immediately, everyone's like, hey, shut the fuck up.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

Give me a break.

You can turn it in your cars, you fucking idiots.

They just dropped

the pyramid.

They dropped the pyramid.

Just turn it up.

Just turn it up in your car, right?

These Ray Harry house and special effects are just great.

Apple juice, what would we think of next?

The average drive-in movie theater can hold 1,000 cars.

Oh.

Okay.

Yeah, but this is a a small town.

This small town, we'll say it's like 200 cars.

You got two minutes.

Put the trophy out there.

Two minutes or what?

Two minutes or we kill the girl.

We don't really need the trophy.

We don't need the trophy.

We should just drop the trophy and go look for it.

I don't trust them to actually bring her in.

No, but if they find out it's not the real trophy, then they'll kill her and then we won't have the trophy.

Yeah, but they won't know that until they get the trophy.

And get it back to them because as we know, they can't communicate with two-way radios.

Look, just bring the girl at the same time and we'll give you the trophy when you give us the girl.

Oh, I can get out of the car and run around and then see if there are any lights.

Sorry, okay.

Wait, do you mind really quickly?

One of our ladies has ladies' issues, so she's just going to the bathroom.

I have to pee so badly.

I want to hear about lady issues.

Okay, fine.

One of you can pee, but I better start seeing that trophy move into that popcorn bucket.

All right, listen, Trudy.

When you're out there, look for a kicked-out taillight.

Okay.

That will be the car that BB is in, right?

Okay.

It won't be any of my cars because they are all in great repair.

What's the plan?

What is everyone doing?

Sounds like that.

You're going to be sneaking out.

And then if if we can find out what car has the lights kicked out then we'll decide what to do next so you're doing

one load that shotgun i mean all of us are just sitting in the car waiting to find out yes load that gun yeah i'm i i don't tell me what to do racket and crack it

well say that you're in the middle of driving there was a spot like dead center yeah the bathrooms are at the back so you can scan the cars on your way back and you will be able to see like the back half of the cars do the voices sound familiar do they sound like kids they don't sound like kids okay and they don't sound Italian.

So you never know.

That's true.

That's racist.

Well, you can't always tell Italian by the floor.

Yes.

Yes.

You're right.

I'm the one.

I'm the one.

Yeah, well, come on.

Do they sound like men?

They do sound like men.

Okay.

Yes.

I'm going to be like, oh, sorry.

Oh, gosh, I'm having women's issues too.

And I'm going to crawl the car and like pretend like I'm throwing up.

Okay.

Just give us one sec.

Just, oh, you know, us.

You don't have to go to the front bathroom with that issue.

Oh,

You're so disoriented, yes.

Right by the screen where you see all the front cars.

All right, they are now officially suspicious of what's going on in this car.

I'm going to show the trophy out the window just to show that we have it.

Proof of life.

All right.

Somebody's like, ooh.

Okay, again, all we need you to do is put the trophy in the popcorn bucket.

That's all we need you to do is just put it on the ground.

I would love to do that.

Everything's coming out from both sides, so it's just wait.

So you're going to the front?

I'm just letting them understand that they just need to wait for a fucking minute while these two women take care of themselves and then they'll get the trophy.

We're dealing with the women.

Yeah, Trudy's going off and this other woman's throwing up right now.

You just hear like a groan of frustration.

It's like, oh my God, okay.

We'll wait for you to be done puking, but the second she gets back to the car.

Trudy, on your way back, give me a spot hidden.

Okay.

Is there an advantage there?

Because she gets to take time.

We bought time for her here.

Doesn't freaking matter because I got an 11.

Okay, excellent.

You see towards the back, like a black town car with one light kicked out.

And then sure enough, inside, you see four guys that are all wearing Halloween masks because they are also trying to conceal their identity right now.

Oh, you know what?

We could do Anthony.

What?

We could stick the trophy out of the window, right?

And they'll see it.

And then the next thing they see is a gun right up to the bottom of the trophy.

We could hold the trophy hostage.

They want it.

They said the cup is important, right?

Yeah.

Trudy races back, covered in pain.

Truly, Trudy.

I know Trudy.

Okay, there is a black town car where people are wearing Halloween masks.

And here's the kicker.

The back light is kicked out.

Trudy, D, did you get a parking code?

It was a number.

Underneath the car.

A number.

Oh, yes.

I've been so good at remembering numbers lately.

It's spot number 46.

It's spot number 46.

Very good.

Well done, Trudy.

And I blow the car into gear and I pop it.

Yeah, yeah, well, fucking take care of yourself.

Ghost ride the wheel.

Speed off directly towards.

You're going to ram this car from the front.

That could hurt BB.

Hold on, BB.

Yeah,

we can't stop this.

As I'm doing this, I'm doing whatever you want.

I just take the trophy and then get out.

And then they can come after me.

And then while they're at me, you can get Trudy.

That's very smart.

I pull off to the side really quick.

And then I kick you out with the trophy.

I'm holding it and I put it in the popcorn bucket.

I go, I got it.

It's right here.

And I'm standing between some cars so they can't just drive up to me.

They're going to have to get out of there.

I'm just speeding off.

Okay.

Where?

Help!

This man's kid, that's me and Judy.

We don't know what's going on.

Chaos.

The two men are deciding everything.

What's happening?

Just so I understand this.

Essentially, you've pushed...

Francis out of the car with the trophy.

Yeah.

He's now holding the trophy.

Because he told me that they were going to chase after him.

Okay.

And things seem to be in chaos.

They just care about the trophy.

Yes.

If he goes off and and he runs, they're going to file out of that car.

We know exactly where they're coming from.

I would pull like in front of the car or something so they don't just decide to drive after him.

Well, no, he's in between cars.

He's in between cars.

Sure.

I guess they could drive up and get out.

The same way that you're driving.

You want them to get out of the car and chase him, right?

Here's what we're going to do.

There's four of them in the car.

So two of them, Frankenstein and Wolfman, jump out of the back.

and they spot Francis and they're going to charge after him.

Monsters, like the Mothman.

Meanwhile, the guys in the car are going to see that you're pulling some sort of crazy maneuver and they're going to back out of their spot to stop your car by ramming it just to make sure because they're like some sort of funny shenanigan is going on here.

So you've peeled out and you're now circling around to them.

Right.

So now they're backing out and they're basically BB.

So BB's still in the car.

Yes, BB's still in the car.

So they've now backed out around and they're basically going to be coming straight at you the way that you're coming.

So the two of you guys are in a high-stakes game of chicken right now.

Yes.

Okay.

Be careful with my mom.

So yes, Kimon Wong is going to stand up with her shotgun and rack it.

Can you take out the driver, Kimone?

I don't know, but we'll see.

And she squints an eye and aims it at the driver.

And then meanwhile, the driver of the car, the mummy, is gripping the steering wheel.

And Dracula, he sticks out the window with a counter heater.

A Colt 45.

And he's aiming at you, Freddy.

Well, I'll duck.

I'll just get low in these low bench seats.

I got many cubic inches of American muscle between me and that.

All right, so you guys are hurtling towards each other.

Meanwhile, Anthony will say that you now see Wolfman and Frankenstein running towards you.

Oh, geez.

Kelsey hands Tony her colt 1911.

I already have one.

I hand you mine.

Yeah, two.

Two.

And then I want to roll out of the car.

If they chase after Francis, I was going to hop out of the car and chase after them.

Oh, I see.

Okay.

Interesting.

Okay.

So I can suck her punch.

Okay.

I still haven't gotten enough information.

Very, very special.

Trudy, what are you doing?

I think I'm going to put the door slightly ajar so that if it looks like we're actually going to crash into this other car, I can roll out seconds before.

Okay, great.

All right.

So you're prepped to dive out in the event of a crash.

Kelsey, you're jumping out of the car.

Yes.

So we will go ahead and take care of that first.

Give me a dexterity roll.

We'll say this is a hard maneuver because jumping out of a moving car seems like how does that work?

It's half yours, so you have to beat a 30.

Okay.

A three.

Ooh.

All right.

So describe how you dive out of this car as it's pulling back.

grace.

She just literally casually walks out of the car and lights a cigarette and starts walking after her.

Oh, you know what?

Like in a Bollywood movie?

No,

she's just like walking at normal speed.

So now she's out of the car.

Now, here's what, here's what it is.

Here's what it is.

I'm doing this cool, like, big slide maneuver around the corner, and it's just, you just time it up so that like the car's basically stationary and you just get out and the car peels off.

Beautiful.

Yeah, I just walk out of the car.

Perfect timing.

Walk out of the car.

Okay, so you're out of the car.

You're now in the chase scene.

And I look at the car to my left and I go, I teach you to

you should be ashamed of yourself.

You don't know who we are.

We're in masks.

No, not this.

This other car.

You're surrounded by the car.

There's 200 cars of just people.

There's all these other cars.

Oh, so this is another car.

Because I walked out and I'm approaching Francis.

I looked at the car to the left and I see.

It's Han Job Alley over here.

Yeah, I'm like, I have to see you too.

Oh, sorry, teach.

Yeah, you should be both.

Oh, bye.

I keep walking.

So Kelsey Bollywood walks out of this car, and now you are in this pursuit with Frankenstein and Wolfman, the two guys who got out of the the car.

Yeah.

Okay, so we are going to do a Call of Cthulhu chase scene, which I'm very excited about.

There's a whole set of rules for this.

Is this our second?

Huh?

You never forget your first.

I think we did a chase scene in episode two, Anthony.

Do you remember?

I think we did.

All right.

Well, this is my first chase scene that I'm running.

I can compare you to great.

My two lovers.

Yeah.

Compare us on the red.

Our old dad

let us get away.

We are in chase scenes at home.

So chase scenes are all about move actions.

Matt, you have the lowest move rating at six.

Kelsey is a six, six, which makes her an LA three.

How dare you?

Kelsey can pull anybody in LA.

Yeah, I bet.

Especially because there's not much in LA right at this point in the 1930s.

Well, actually, that's true.

It was sort of a blossoming megapolis at that point.

Yeah, there's like holy woods.

Yeah.

I played the LA Noir.

Yeah, that's true.

Agent Cole Phelps would suspect you of being a sexy femme fatale.

Okay, so Matt, your move rating is six.

Both Frankenstein Wolfman and Francis Farnsworth have an eight.

So what this means is that you basically do the difference between between the two.

So Matt, you have one move action per round, and the cultists and Anthony have two.

Okay.

So you can use a move action to move from one location of the chase to the next.

You are one location behind them.

So you guys are at the edge of the lot.

They're in the middle of the lot.

Okay.

And Anthony is one ahead where the car originally started.

Okay.

So Anthony, you've got these two guys hot on your trail.

You see them coming for your car.

They're sort of like slipping and sliding around all these big, you know, sort of steamed up, gently rocking Thunderbirds that teens are making out in.

What do you do?

I want to do a hood slide and just keep running.

Excellent.

You're leading the chase.

You're the head of the train.

So what direction do you want to go?

There's the big screen in front of you.

Towards the front.

Towards the front, towards the screen.

Like a moth to a flame.

Like a mothman to a flame.

There's a very fun thing to determine if you get a hard or difficult or extreme or a clean shot.

It's a fun thing to determine if we get hard.

If you get hard.

So I rolled a 76.

which means that there is going to be a hazard along the way.

Somebody's getting fresh with his gal and she slaps him in the face and steps out of the car and the door swings in front of you.

So it's like a premium rush.

Yeah.

So you have a premium rush moment as you see through the window and see this girl slap this guy in the face and step out.

And now this door is swung open right in front of you.

How do you want to negotiate that?

I would say.

I'm going to try to juke to the right and just hope that I can squeeze between the space between the open door and the next car.

Okay, so give me a dexterity roll for that.

I'll call that a regular skill check.

My dexterity roll is 60 and I got 0-0.

Okay, so so that's an extreme.

Describe to me the way that you beautifully parkour around this.

I'm like the fucking T-1000.

Like it looks like there's no way somebody can make it through that fucking space.

It's too skinny.

And I go,

I just raise my arms up in the trophy.

And as this girl is getting angry at her boyfriend for getting too fresh at her, I go, oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

And I squeeze right by and I go, you should treat it with more respect.

And I keep running.

Oh, you got to do the thing where there's another guy and a cigarette falls off his lips because he's like,

he's the one.

As you slip through the thing, like the warden and Terminator 2.

Yeah.

So, yes, you expertly slide by the two people in the car, like, who's that?

And then, um,

as they are looking at that, these two cultists are hot on your trail and come plowing through the door as well.

So, they are also going to make a dexterity roll to see if they can get out of the way in time.

Now, if they're masked up, is that going to be harder for them to see compared to, you know?

Yes, but I mean, no.

Yes, but no.

Yes, I guess, sure.

You know what?

That's fair.

I can give them a disadvantage.

I keep forgetting their masks and that they're not actually werewolves.

Beth, keep it in your pants.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

Okay, they got a 95 on there.

So it's just like a classic slap-16.

Like the boy and the girl both stick their head out the window, like, who's that cool guy who just slipped past this car?

And then Frankenstein and Wolfman just crash into them behind them.

We're going to do a 1d3 to see if they have any movement points left for this round.

A 1d3.

And you hear the werewolf guy go, ow.

So they got a three.

divided by four.

They can't move.

They plow into this thing.

And we will also give them a one-fourth of of a D12 damage for this minor injury.

Now, the minor injury, is that a teenager injury or is that just minors and that you're hitting into?

Shut the fuck up.

Shut up.

I don't know why I got so aggressive about that.

I'm sorry, Freddy.

Okay, so Matt, now it is your turn.

So shuffling on her bunions, just moving slower than everybody else.

I'm going to, knowing.

You can close the gap.

That's how we get advantages if we know 1950s stuff.

So I'm just making rules right now.

So knowing that you're going to be playing.

There's an interesting new rule being played.

Knowing that in the early 1950s, golf had expanded from a wealthy luxury item to a popular middle class.

It's like what kids did.

Like shake shots.

Like going to shake.

It's hard for golf.

Shake shit.

Yeah, very popular.

And since we're at a drive-in, which is where there's a lot of land, it would make sense that the drive-in is next to a golf course.

So I believe, being the teacher that I am and knowing what the kids like to do, they often go to the golf course and then they have a nice dinner and they go to the drive-in afterwards.

So I look at...

So are you kidding?

I look at the abundance of golf clubs just poking out of the trunks of all these cars in the back seats.

And

I grab the first nine-iron.

In fact, there's so many golf clubs in all these cars.

I'm about to grab a wood and then like, no, no, no, the car up.

I'm going to grab the nine.

There's a lot of teenagers porting wood in this seat.

There's more wood in this seat.

It's fine.

You do a spot hit it or whatever.

But I like to pull a golf club out of one of these many cars.

Okay.

Give me a luck roll.

Let's do that.

A luck roll?

How does that work?

Well, if it goes, can we please have him roll 1d12 to determine the exact club that he pulls?

And then we scale the damage based on the length of the map.

Yes, actually, that's what we're going to do.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Am I rolling against my luck?

You're rolling your luck as your skill, which is why you shouldn't be blowing your luck points like a sailor on leave.

Yeah, yeah.

But like, if I got a two.

That's very good.

You got very lucky.

That's like super two of 65.

All right, yes.

You got incredibly lucky.

I pulled a gun.

Why does nine eye on the nine millimeter?

No, no, it's you.

No, no, if I got a one, I guess I would have pulled a gun.

No, I was just saying.

I was going to give it to you.

I was going to say it's like, you know, like gangsters, they would have like, it looks like golf clubs, but it's actually a Tommy gun with like a

gun.

So yes, that's what happens, Matt.

You pull a Thompson M45 machine gun out with a nine-iron on the end of it.

Submachine gun.

Submachine gun out of this golf thing.

You finally found the Italian.

This mafioso was sitting in this car.

He's like, ah, my gat.

Oh, no.

I look at the gun.

I'm like, this is a little too much for a situation.

I look at the driver.

I'm like, you shouldn't be having this at a theater.

And I toss and I grab a golf club and I write it.

You got a big decoy golf club.

Okay, sure.

I can catch up to them.

You'll have caught up to them.

okay matt casually throwing away i just want to shoot them i'm just telling you that there's gonna be a point in this campaign where like damn i wish we could use

a 25 round magazine give me one more luck roll 23 the gangster does fall in love with you oh he watches you walk away with that golf club and that confidence you go what a beautiful woman says uh that's true

buddy that truly is a spicy meeple

i give her a little shake as i walk i know i know he's watching was he in the car by himself yeah he's just going to a movie before he was going to to go whack a guy.

Before he was going to go whack.

In fact, the guy he's going to kill is in the car with him.

You didn't see him.

They're making out.

Kiss of death.

A kiss before dying.

As he's kissing, he reaches in the back to grab his Tommy gun and finds nothing.

It does cost a move action to attack.

Okay.

So you are not going to be able to attack them this turn.

Okay, but I want people to know.

I want them to know.

A guy approached.

You have approached.

And yes, they are reeling on the ground, having collided with this door.

And the two teens are yelling at them and dumping popcorn on them.

And you're creeping up now with a 9-iron.

We'll let you do a stealth roll next turn to see how that is.

Anthony,

you are now farther towards the screen.

You look back.

You see this two-car pile up of monsters and teenagers and you see Kelsey Grammer sneaking up behind them with a golf club.

What do you do?

I go, oh, it looks like Kelsey Grammer's going to need some help.

I know exactly what to do.

And I'm going to keep running.

Are you bringing the trophy with you?

Yeah.

We rolled an 89 on the hazard barrier dice roller, which means there's a hard barrier in front of you.

So I'm trying to think of like what a

difficult barrier.

We already made that joke, Freddie.

I'm sorry.

You want one joke?

Do we have a school business?

A school bus pulls up.

Oh, I wish I hadn't sat in the back.

I can't see anything.

The local

all the time in the world to do all the other stuff.

No, just the driver can watch the movie.

Everybody else is like, oh, man.

Can you turn sideways?

Yeah, so this was...

The kids in the front can watching.

The kids in the back are getting hand jaws, but us in the middle.

Us in the middle, just staring at the emergency exit.

The local middle school cinema club chartered a school bus to go to this movie.

And then after seeing how offensive Forefathers and Fantasy World is, the drivers decided to leave because defendant, their noble Puritan values.

And so they pull out of the spot.

And now you have an eight-foot-tall school bus in front of you.

So this is a barrier, which means you can't just blow through it.

You're going to have to get over or under it.

I'll say you have to get over it.

The clearance is too low for you.

Well, then I'll get over it.

I guess I could try to climb over the hood.

Give me a climb roll.

It's not gonna go well.

52 and my climb is 20.

Describe to me how you failed to climb up this thing.

I try to rest my foot on the tire, but the tire is moving.

So I go,

and it almost pulls me under and breaks my ankle, but it doesn't quite.

And I fall straight onto my ass and drop the trophy.

Finally, a show.

The kids stay in the middle and they all point and laughing.

Hey, look at that, mister.

Let's shoot spitwise at them.

All the kids who weren't able to see the movie are now laughing at you.

Give me a luck roll.

52, my luck is 85.

Okay, then in that case, the trophy does not break when you fall to the ground.

Wait, if the trophy breaks is it like the one wing, do we win?

The one wing, the one wing, the one wing of the trophy.

We get the load of wedding wins.

You bow to no one.

You can't do woo woo of no one.

Why did I say that?

My pleasure.

All the lines I can think of don't have any arguments at all.

Why, you fools, even.

You can't, man.

What fools?

He really uwu-proofed that.

Yeah, he really was

the linguist.

Except for the uwukai.

All right.

So you have one move action left.

You can either try to summit this thing once more, although it will be harder because now you have a bunch of kids throwing popcorn at you, so I might give you disadvantage on the climb roll, or you can charge back into the fray or try to go another direction.

If they're blocking me in the front, I'm just going to try to take a hard 90-degree turn right and just start running.

Okay.

Tron moves.

Yeah.

I'm a Tron bike.

I'm going to do that from now on.

Every time I take a right turn or left turn, it's my gun.

You fucking Tron to avoid an enemy.

Getting off.

A hard 90-degree turn will save you every time.

But be careful.

Keep going to the first stop sign.

You're gonna take a left Tron, and then you're gonna drive 100 meters and take a right Tron.

One Tron remaining.

Unfortunately, you got a 94 on the hazard table for your second move action.

This is a second school bus.

Yes, essentially, what you realize is the reason the first school bus stopped is that another school bus is also trying to leave, and they're having like one of those New Yorker walkabus arguments.

Because it's the bowling club.

They're here to make fun of us.

Simply, it's like the London double-decker bus of exchange shoes.

We drove this bus all the way from foggy London town.

Don't worry, it will come out in our neck of the woods in five months.

We always get movies later.

Owing to the Atlantic Ocean.

And just for my own understanding, just to clarify, these are kids from London that flew here for a movie.

Yes, Matt.

Is that so hard to do?

That's why they should won.

After World War II, America was doing this victory lap where they're like, any allied countries' kids can come see how a real country won war.

Bring your buses.

B-Y-O-B.

All right, give me a climb roll rather to climb over this double-decker bus.

Okay, well, my climb is 20 and my roll to 19.

All right.

Paint me a picture, Jenny.

Any role not to fall in love with every person with a nice British accent in that bus.

Yeah, I'll roll luck.

I do fall in love with luck.

I hoist the trophy onto my shirt on my back, like a backpack, but it's just resting against the belt loop of my pants and I just like start climbing up the side of the double-decker bus and hearing like hello hello hello oh oh right cracky blind me and every single handhole I get I fall in love with a new person

and then eventually I make it to the top and I look down on my domain and I see if anybody's still chasing me okay great someone in the back goes like down in front you're blocking the screen all right so the cultists have now picked themselves up they are gonna charge after you so they make it over there and they too are gonna try to climb this bus to get at you tell the british kids that those are italians chasing you

yes they got 33 on their climb roll so yes like two pirates shimmying up a flag they put their knives in their mouths and they skirt they start climbing up after you and they make it up on top of this bus and they are going to attack you bye anthony farnsworth had a good run have these villains ever hit a child before

yes absolutely okay as well make sure yeah i feel like if it was their first time they needed a disadvantage because it's not everybody can do that matt's the 50s

The first guy is going to try to grab this trophy from you and rip it away.

So, we're going to call this a fighting maneuver.

What would you like to do in response?

He's basically grabbing for this thing.

He's going to pull it off of you.

I'm going to let him take it.

Okay, great.

Oh, no.

Not that.

The second guy is going to grab you.

And so he's also going to try to do a fighting maneuver.

He's just trying to grab you by the scruff and like get up in your face.

Like Batman begins where the other drugs go in style.

Oh, wow.

Are you going to try to shit me away?

What do you want to do?

I'm trying to jump off the other end of the bus.

Ooh, I like that.

Oh, wow.

So we'll say you're dodging by jumping off the bus.

Okay.

So if you succeed with this, you will both escape and we'll give you a dexterity roll to stick the landing.

So my dodge is 30 and I got a 93.

Okay.

Okay.

So that's a new.

He got a 38.

So he grabs you and pulls you right in my face and says, who are you working for?

Wouldn't you like to know?

I would like to know.

That's why I'm asking.

The school.

The school?

What school?

What are you talking?

You're coming with me, pal.

And he sticks a knife up against your, not into you, but like up against your ribs.

And he's now trying to force you to go down through the double-decker bus with him.

But wait, aren't you?

The British kids help me.

Oi, our boyfriend's getting kidnapped.

Help me.

All right, Eiley, give me a luck roll to see if the British kids fell in love with you.

My luck is 85.

I got a 34.

All right.

Oh, so when you say a double-decker bus, there's like an open bus at the top?

Yeah, like in Austin Powers or like a tour but like a Hollywood tour bus.

Like when Will Smith lands on one and menu.

Like a Hollywood tour bus.

It's just black people in New York.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, so Hollywood, like a tour bus.

A tour bus.

Not like a double decker because I was like, how are they on the roof going in?

Okay, so like all the kids are around with them.

Yes.

Like in Spider-Man 2, they all basically are like, oh, if you want to get to him, you're going to have to get through us.

Post-9-11 patriotism.

Let's pause there.

Matt, what are you doing?

I guess I use my one move to get to the bus.

We'll say the chase has ended because Anthony's been caught.

So you are now at the bus.

The three of you are at the bus.

Guy number two.

And what I want to do is sneak up on them.

I want to go to the bottom of the staircase and just raise the golf club, you know, like testing samurais and seven samurai.

I see.

Like, I'm just waiting for them to come down the staircase and I'm going to whack them on the head.

So, in that case, we'll say you succeed on the stealth role.

They can't see you.

And plus, all the teenagers are in love with Anthony.

So, assuming you give them like a coy little shush.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I radiate teacher energy.

Like, I get there, I hold the golf club up and I look at all the kids.

I don't mean it's shush.

I just give them a look.

All right, and they all quiet down.

Wolfman has got Anthony with the knife.

Frankenstein is going to brandish their steel pipe to try to scare off the teens.

So we're going to give them an intimidate roll.

Boy, that don't intimidate us.

We invented steel.

Steel.

Me and then fucking NPCs don't get lucky.

So they fail.

Realizing that the situation has gotten out of hand for the two of them, these two guys look at each other and they're like, let's get the hell out of here.

These British kids are going to kick the shit out of us.

And they jump off the bus.

I sit there just still holding my thing, waiting.

Okay, so you guys are out of danger unless you want to pursue them.

No.

Yeah, you see them land and take off running out of the way.

I'm going to run up the stairs to find Francis.

Okay, yes.

Francis, Francis, what happened?

Are you okay?

There's a bunch of beautiful British people just like waving, like fanning me.

And I'm like, it was so hard.

I was so scared.

Okay, where's the trophy?

Leave me.

What?

Okay.

Okay, so yes, having successfully led these two guys away from the chase and split their numbers in half, we'll now jump back over to this showdown between these two big 50s steel cars hurtling towards each other.

What do you want?

I want Kimon-won to take out the driver.

And then what, then you'll ram the car to the side or something like that where are you going to try to knock him off the road or are you just trying to crash into them i think if she takes out the driver then i will uh give it a glancing blow so that it like uh god that's not gonna end up well for anybody in that game i will remind you freddie that you have four hit points yeah i know but my car i have a car i know but remember what happened last time you crashed this car you went flying out

on also there's no windshield anymore because i flew out of it last time okay i'm just warning like this is not dungeons and dragons you have four hit points like you could very easily

i'm not trying to hit him i'm just trying to drive by them and have kimon shoot the guy so so you're going to chicken out oh absolutely i'm going to chicken out all right so what you want to do is basically swerve yes at the last moment oh yeah so that she can get a shot on the driver yeah straight through the windshield because she doesn't believe out there's no windshield anymore okay great great great great great i do think as a team we should be worried about freddy's playing fast and loose with our lives

i'm like i'm like a step away from like let's just kill this character he's throwing matches when i'm on fire he's driving a car for it we got out the inland

dragons only because we stopped you from lighting the thing on fire i'm moving really safe here i'm just now i now it's good to know i'm at something to drink earlier come on they're gonna do the same thing but the opposite way okay yeah you and kimono are having this conversation like we're gonna swerve and then you're gonna turn and fire over my head at the car and then take out the driver and then the two of them is like all right dracula here's what we're gonna do i'm gonna swerve and then you're gonna pop up and take out that fucking driver tony collette you're gonna just blow his head clean off right and then we're gonna fucking get out of here yeah we're gonna resolve those and then we're also gonna do trudy you're jumping out of the car well the car's not gonna hit anymore so

trudy is doing the internal calculus of the probability of a head-on collision okay deciding when the swerve happens but trudy would hear us saying like we're not gonna hit them we're gonna swerve and shoot oh i hope they're not gonna hit them and that they're gonna swerve and shoot yeah she's gonna stay in the car she's gonna look around for trudy seatbelt and then trudy can you do something maybe to distract them or give us an advantage in this upcoming moment

yeah yell some psychology out the window Yeah, what a quick, quick, easy psychologist.

You don't know which way they're going to turn.

That's what this basically comes to.

Do you remember in Pearl Harbor?

Yeah.

When Josh Hartnett and Ben Affleck, they got to break the planes the right way.

And it's always this like, well, you turn left.

I'm going to turn left.

Like one of those.

That's an incredibly important question.

So essentially.

You're saying the mummy is in the front seat, right?

Yes.

So you don't know which way he's going to turn.

He doesn't know which way you're going to turn.

Is he Italian?

You can't tell he's in a mummy costume.

There's a one in four chance that this one's the Italian.

I don't know where that's coming from, but

one of them was Italian.

No, I know.

He never did.

He's actually specifically said, none of them sound Italian.

Oh, never mind.

But I was going to say, that's one thing up in the air if you wanted to like influence their thinking in some way, Beth.

Shrudi sticks her head out of the window.

It's like,

just keep going straight.

Okay, give me a charm roll for that, I guess.

It's probably going to be pretty good because of my role-playing.

I do not pass it.

Okay.

We should definitely swerve to either the left or right.

I just can't tell which yet.

Freddy, I'm going to write down which way they're swerving.

Yeah.

Okay.

You write down

the way you're swerving.

And then we're going to see if you guys crash into each other or not.

You want the same.

Yes.

On the count of three.

Yep.

You're just going to say it, and I'm going to say it.

Okay.

Ready?

One, two, three.

I break hard.

Oh.

I just break.

I know these fucking idiots are going to try and go all swirly move.

Dude, I just fucking stopped.

They're going to turn right in front of me.

Open shot.

That's very good.

Clean shot.

All right.

The mummy swerves his car to the right.

You slam on your brakes, giving Kamon Wong a clean shot with her shotgun on the driver.

She is now going to make an attack roll with her shotgun.

Fuck yeah, dude.

And this is pretty pointless.

And there is the other guy in the front seat also?

Yes, he is.

I'm saying that shotgun blast is going.

Yeah, no, actually, shotguns that will do some damage to him as well.

That was like a kid's version of rock, paper, scissors.

I know.

Rock, paper, and you're like, fire.

Isn't Isn't rock, paper, scissors the kids' version of rock, paper, scissors.

No.

Adults play by the rules.

I've never won against Dorothy.

Really?

Oh, man.

Because she never says rock, paper, or scissors.

She said, super rock.

Super rock.

I'm like, super rock.

What's that?

She's like, he's all of them.

And then I'm like, okay, well, then I'm super paper.

She goes, no, no, no, there's no super paper.

Oh, she got you there, man.

But then she did super paper.

I was like, why didn't you do super paper?

And she said, girls could do super paper.

Damn.

That's what we call it.

Yeah, if you disagree with her, you're not an ally.

She got you, dude.

No dessert that night, though.

But see if I can won that.

She got an extreme success with this shotgun.

Yeah, she did.

Go, mom.

So, boom, this massive blast rips out from this shotgun and just pellets fly straight through the window, going, oh, boy.

You can't tell if these guys are dead or not, but there's just a spray of blood inside this car.

And it happened right when the pyramid hit the ground, so nobody heard it.

Yeah.

Yes, it was time with a big explosion in the movie when the pyramid hits.

The pyramid with a 60-foot square base burst and then little

who's playing lizard voice scales and stuff.

Oh, Peter Lorry, for sure.

Dude, all the teens in the car stop making out.

They go, Darrell!

Darrell!

Darrell!

Okay, so the car just basically rolls to a stop and like kind of off to the side of the road and just kind of

blocking our view.

That's one of the kids.

Trudy gets out of the car and goes to look at the trunk.

You pop open the trunk.

Inside, you see Britannica Blue, your loyal 12-year-old friend BB, and she is just like petrified.

And you realize, like, despite all her gumption and Moxie, this is still a scared 12-year-old girl who just had an insane brush with death.

So she hops out of there.

She jumps into your arms, like, Trudy, oh my God, oh, my God, it was so scary.

Oh, my God.

And she's just crying into your shoulder.

Oh, baby, I'll hug you now.

I was so scared.

There was so much shouting and shooting.

What happened?

They're there.

A trunk is a strange place for a girl.

They threw me in here and then I heard stuff.

Oh my god, is that blood?

And she's looking out at the front of the car.

Oh, I guess we hit um an animal.

Oh no.

Is that is that the two of them?

Is that those?

Those are the guys that took me?

Yes.

Okay.

Okay, this is really bad.

It was.

Oh, hi, hi, Mr.

Khaled.

Oh, thank you for saving me.

Oh, so I managed to steal something from one of those guys.

I don't know if you're going to like it.

Stealing is wrong, but what did you take?

Well, it's funny that you say stealing is a crime because, and she pulls out a wallet and she opens it up and it's got a police badge.

Because one of those guys is for sure a copy.

Oh, my God.

And then as she opens that badge, you hear the wail of police sirens flashing and you see a police car, sirens blazing bounding into the drive-in movie theater.

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind, and now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars,

swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I stay

today.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar, Anthony Birch as Francis Farnsworth.

Will Campos as RDM?

Beth May is Trudy Trout and myself, Freddie Wong as Tony Colette.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller.

Brian Fernandez is our content producer.

Ashley Nicolette is our community manager.

Courtney Terry is our community coordinator.

Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager.

Esther Ellis is our lead editor.

Travis Reeves provides additional editing.

And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

Support season three of Dungeons and Days directly at patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

You'll get hours of additional shows and content and you will be in the fine company of folks like Mackenzie Meyer, Justin Barker, Amy Ernst, Leroy Brandon, Tamara Hall, Matthew Hall, Dismay Dream, Low Poly Geo, Handsome Mr.B, Kate Riker, JB, Sam Watts, Sean Doherty, Cody Hogstadt, Seth, Thomas Davis, Abby Shears, W.

Seth Hanasek, Twilexis, and Rowan Moore.

We're just over a week away from our live show tour of the Midwest and East Coast of the United States.

We're kicking it off with a sold-out show in St.

Paul and then hitting Milwaukee.

There's still tickets, by the way, from Milwaukee, Act Fast, New York 2.

Tickets still available.

We end on June 16th on Father's Day, right back here in Los Angeles.

And we're going to be playing the Wiltern Theater, which is a insane venue for us to play.

So get your tickets now.

Dungeonsandaddies.com/slash live.

That's the website.

You can find our merch and social media links there.

Thank you so much for listening.

This show will be continuing as we tour, and the next episode is coming at you June 4th.

Hope to see you on the road.

All the I can can see is a hole in the stars,

swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away,

but I stay

today.

How do you do a 1d3?

D6

half it.

Or D12 and 4th it.

Dude.

No, I'm not going to do it.

D12 and 4th it.

Matt's coming in so sixth-grade math field right now.

Dude, Matt just learned his.