BONUS: Kingdom Dad Monster - Ep. 1 - Founding Fathers

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You're about to hear episode one of an ongoing series we're doing on our Patreon entitled Kingdom Dad Monster, where we play Matt's copy of the cult classic survival horror board game Kingdom Death Monster.

It's like Dark Souls meets Stardew Valley with a healthy dose of cannibalism, a little settlement building, a little crunchy combat and roleplay, and a whole lot of, well, something.

I mean, you'll see.

If you head on over to patreon.com/slash dungeons and dads, you can access the visual accompaniment for this episode.

Miniature painter nerds love this game because of the detailed monsters they get to paint.

And Matt, of course, has painted all the monsters and minis we use, and his deft brushwork must be seen to be believed.

Episodes two and three are available now on our Patreon.

If you want to keep on listening, and new episodes of Kingdom Dad Monster are showing up every month on the Patreon.

It's not just that, it's a whole bunch of other bonus series and extra audio and video content on there.

Patreon supporters also get ad-free episodes, too.

And everyone talks about the cool content.

Nobody talks about the ad-free episodes, just saying.

The Patreon has been a great place for us to experiment with different RPG systems.

So if you find yourself hankering for more, sate your appetite by supporting us directly on patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads.

Also, if you haven't heard, we're going on tour once again this summer, covering the Midwest and the East Coast.

Join us for Dungeons and Daddies: the Areas tour, feet Taylor Swift, where the season one dads once again embark on randomized shenanigans, a new scenario every night.

No script, no planning.

Bring your seats to the full and upright position, and lock and stow away your trade hips because we're flying by the seat of our pants.

Tickets are more at dungeonsandadies.com.

Sit back and enjoy episode one of Kingdom Dad Monster.

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to the first episode.

Maybe the only episode.

This is a little bit of an experiment that we'll see of Kingdom Dad Monster, where the four boys here are going to play a board game called Kingdom Death Monster.

Not Kingdom Dad Monster.

It's called Kingdom Death Monster.

Just a little fun flavor.

This is a liking flavor.

Because, you know, from time to time.

It'll just contractually.

I think we have to put dad in everything.

So it's just Kingdom Dad Monster.

Branding thing.

For those of you who don't know, Kingdom Death Monster is a very large, weird, niche board game that started on Kickstarter, broke all these records.

But the most important thing to know is that Matt Mercer loves it.

That's right.

The better Matt loves Kingdom Death Monster as well.

Just did Matt approve.

Yes, both Matts, both important Matts in the world love it.

Matt Gates also loves it, weirdly.

So I was racing to find another Matt, and then he beat me to the punch.

We've played this game a few times before.

We love it.

We're hoping that's going to be interesting to listen to.

We're hoping that's going to be so fun to listen to.

It'll force us to finally complete a fucking game.

Just like at Dungeons of Dead, he's made us play dungeons and dragons exactly but just a just a quick overview of the type of game it is get into the setting first like it's completely dark except for one source of light that's right what what is the setting anthony we're in a world of darkness completely filled with horrors beyond our comprehension yes except for one lantern that we have amongst the four of us and the only thing that we can see the glimmer of the lantern the only thing it illuminates is an infinite floor of stone faces human faces as the entire world of kingdom death monsters i'm looking at the board now there's a bunch of little fucking it's kind of like a weird dark fantasy.

It kind of reminds me a little bit, like kind of Dark Souls vibes.

If you combine Dark Souls with Monster Hunter with Civilization, that's what you're getting.

Yes.

So we are going to play kind of a civilization.

So we will be kind of bouncing around between characters.

But this civilization, your only means of survival is going on the hunt of these strange, dangerous

monsters.

Exactly.

The facelight.

The facelight.

Exactly.

Leave the light and go into the dark and find monsters to kill and consume and eat and leave.

Now, Matt, these monsters.

Yes.

From a scale of one to ten, how freaky are they?

Okay, so this is the real love of Kingdom Death Monster.

I have.

We will definitely show pictures and stuff when we post this.

The first monster you fight is a lion.

It's white.

It's a little bit weird, but the monsters.

Like it's a Caucasian monster.

Caucasian monster.

It's pretty weird.

The monster design in Kingdom Death Monster is truly unhinged.

Picture Dark Souls with more fingers and hands coming out of the colours.

The creatures and Dark Souls that they saw the monsters in Kingdom Death Monster would run away scared of the monsters.

Have you ever seen nipples and been like, there should be fingers coming out of it.

Fingers and teeth.

The creator of Kingdom Death Monster, our Lord and Savior, Adam Poots, is truly an unhinged genius.

And he puts his fetishes and his loves and his...

He puts his old Poots.

He puts his whole heart honestly about there.

And clearly, he is aroused, scared of

hands, because hands will just appear on monsters coming out of their butts, coming out of their eyes.

Everything will be hands.

It's like the Final Fantasy character designer who fucking puts buckles on everything.

He's like

its fingers.

It's also the most like

sexual monster design since like Alien.

Like the beauty of Alien is like

psychosexual that he has the same sort of like...

There's genitals on all these monsters.

It's not like they have genitals, but like they are made out of genitals.

They're made out of genitals.

They're sentient penises and boobs.

And we'll post pictures of these miniatures because Matt has, of course, taken to painting these miniatures.

This has been like an ongoing project for you because they keep coming out with expansions.

There's more miniatures.

It's a horny, weird game.

We've always loved it when we've played it, but we've never been able to get it.

The strength of it, hopefully that will come through in this, is the emergence storytelling, both in the combat, but in the world building and the settlement phase.

It's just throwing out a lot of trolley problems and a lot of weird decisions you make as a group.

And the humor is coincides with the horror.

It's the best board game I've ever played in terms of emergence.

Because you're not just determining like how your civilization builds equipment and stuff.

You're also determining like, is it okay to eat people?

Is it okay to like murder people that are weak?

What do you do with your dead?

Yeah, yeah, do we bury them?

Do we consume them, or do we have fruit rule?

And we don't know, but like, honestly, the game will give you a lot of options.

Yeah, and it has ramifications down the line.

All right, so we've talked about it enough.

Okay, now, chapter one.

Once upon a time, there was a I've been reading so many baby books to myself.

No, because

give me the fucking gravitons, dude.

Once upon a time, there we go.

There was a place of carved stone faces.

A man with a lantern lay sleeping a dreamless sleep.

The man knew nothing.

Turned the page.

One day the man woke up.

He rubbed the dried ink caked over his eyes and opened them.

Around him, he saw other people stirring, and beyond, a horizon of unbroken darkness.

Yeah, I forgot we have ink on our eyes for some reason.

Very cool.

A woman approached the man with the lantern.

Her soft hand reached out to him.

They had no words.

They were a mystery.

to each other.

Suddenly, a monster emerged from the darkness, its eyes wild with hunger and attacked!

Oh no.

The people were no match for the monster.

It tore their flesh and crushed their bones between its teeth.

Some it devoured whole.

Devoured their holes.

Overcome with terror and grief.

The man with the lantern collapsed to the ground.

Cold stone noses pushed into his side.

There was no escape.

But the man did not want to die.

Desperately grasping at the cold stone faces, he felt a crack and tore it with all.

And tore at it with all his might.

A piece of stone came free, came.

It was sharp and deadly.

Whoa, this guy's got crazy eyes on this page.

The man with the lantern scrambled to his feet, his weapon clenched in his fist.

He took a deep breath and roared into the darkness.

Somewhere in the place of stone faces, nameless men and women stand together.

Women.

They have nothing but a need to survive and a lantern to light their struggle.

Hell yeah.

All right.

That is it.

That's right.

So all we have.

So now we are these four survivors that have just awakened with no words and we are on this board and there is in front of us a white lion.

And the only weapon we have is a lantern in our hands and fragments of stone faces that we have that are sharpened like knives.

And that's all we got.

Let's kill this lion.

Let's kill this lion.

I think the lion attacks first.

Yeah.

Anytime this game wants to do something mean or nice, it almost always chooses the mean things.

Yes.

Like D ⁇ D has the rule of cool.

Like whatever's coolest wins.

This game, I think it's literally like whatever's meanest to the players.

That's what you do.

Also, to paint a picture of the board, it's like a big grid board.

There's roughly 12,000 little doodads and googas we got to keep track of.

There's little chips and tokens.

Let's take a picture of this setup.

Matt has these four big, like, they look like cardboard mixing boards.

They've got knobs on them.

They're balsa wood boards to cut down a lot of the bookkeeping because the game's got a lot of bookkeeping.

Oh, here's the first thing we do.

Let's paint a picture is that we are these survivors.

We have our boards in front of us.

We must give these survivors names and choose who we are.

Okay.

I want to be this cool girl right here.

Okay.

What's her name?

Mama Daddy.

Mama Daddy.

Mama Daddy.

When you name your character, you get a survival point.

Oh, yeah.

Instantly.

Like, just simply having the identity of who you are gives you a bit of a will to survive.

Well, what's all your names?

I'm going to be this one, and they're going to be called Beth.

Kingdom Beth Monster.

Kingdom Beth Monster.

Oh, shit that's Beth.

She says she might want to cover like narrate and stuff.

My My guy.

He's called Bufo.

Bufo?

Bufo.

Three O's.

Boofo.

Bufo.

Wait, B-O-O-O-O?

B-O-O-F-O.

Okay.

Yeah.

So not three O's and F-O.

And this is my guy, Daddy, Mama.

D-A-D-I.

I feel like we got that from like we pointed, like we're learning language, and I'm like, mama.

And you're like, daddy, I'm like, mama, daddy.

Dude, no, daddy, mama.

I'm like, Beth.

Me, Bufo.

What up, boys?

I'm trying to teach Andy to say dad right now, and I will literally look him straight in the eyes and go, dad, dad.

And he goes, mama.

That's something he's just like, I don't care.

I don't care.

Where's mom?

I'm going to spin this monster to see who

makes out with it.

Matt is spinning it and it's looking at Will.

Daddy, mama.

Daddy, mama.

Okay, so the monster does its first attack.

I will draw its AI card.

That's right.

This game uses AIR.

No, AI card.

This is the opposite of AIR.

This is one insane genius constantly making everything.

The monster is going to lunge at you and attack, and here's how it is going to damage you.

Will is going to roll.

By the way, there's dice involved.

Oh, yeah.

It's crunchy.

Oh, yeah, there's dice.

Don't worry.

And however crunchy you think it is when this is edited, just know there's about 5,000 more dice that we edited out.

This is a crunchy dice game.

They both are going to hit you.

Wait, Matt, do I get interrupted with a reaction?

Can I, is there anything I can do?

You turn into a bird.

Just to give a general idea of how the gameplay goes, is that every attack, you roll a certain number of D10s.

And then if that D10 gets gets a certain amount it counts as a wound towards us players what will be important as time goes on where a lot of the thematic fun of this comes is that will is going to roll dice that have little symbols that represent parts of our bodies that's where we put our armors our head our feet and whatnot and he can't decide like the damage goes to those parts of the body and as that part of the body gets more damaged like things will happen like you will lose limbs dikes you will throw up your stomach you will not be able to eat anymore like things will happen as it goes so what are they so this monster did two wounds on you so now you are going to roll two dice

to see where they hit.

I rolled legs and body.

Okay.

So now two of these did one damage each.

So what you're going to do is you're going to decide, I mean, this is America that each one is one damage.

So for your body, we all came with a piece of cloth, which is one damage.

So you can protect your body with

your body.

So now I'm neck.

Oh, you're right.

That's for waist.

It's for waist.

We're wearing loin cloths.

Never mind.

So both your body and your legs take light damage.

Okay, so do I check?

It says like use your little dials and just turn your body and your leg to L for light.

Take some L's.

Once you've lost all your armor, you eventually then do light damage to that body part and then heavy damage.

If you take more than heavy damage, you start getting severe wounds, which we roll on a big table and crazy stuff happens to your body.

Okay, now each of us can go.

Ow!

Ow!

I got bit.

Now does Daddy Mama get to wreak his vengeance on this?

What do I do?

Okay, so you're going to roll dice based off of the only weapon you have is your founding stone.

And the founding stone has two speeds.

that means you roll two dice and then every seven or above will count as a hit okay i roll one in the four one in a four hits okay i'm going to go next i'm going to move what's our distance five five one two three four five six i'm going to do the action where i'm going to actually throw away my founding stone as a missile i will no longer have it because i'm going to assume that we'll get weapons later and i want to fight this until you can sling this stone from anywhere on the board anywhere on the board is one automatic hit then flicks a critical wound so boom Can you lose the stone?

I throw the stone.

It's gone forever.

I shall roll a hit location and I get a critical hit automatically.

I hit its soft belly.

A debilitating blow to the soft belly.

Critical wound.

Gain one random lion resource.

This is not a game for people who don't think you should kill animals.

This is not a vegan game.

We slowly consume all the elements of

the board game geek by vegan.

Like vegan games.

Do they have those?

No.

I've seen guides for like, here's how to play Minecraft as a vegan, and those are kind of fun.

Oh, Oh, that's fun.

Yeah.

Gentlemen, I got a lion claw.

It is a razor sharp retractable claw.

We will make weapons with that later.

And because it was a critical wound, the persistent injury organ trail, the white lion's intestines hang from the wound on its gut, dragging on the floor.

At the start of every monster turn before it draws an AI card, roll 1d10.

On a result of one, the monster suffers a wound.

So it can constantly just keep getting hurt.

Now, the way this game works that I think is really fascinating is that you have this deck, that's this AI deck, which decides all the moves it does.

When you do a wound there's no wound tracker the wound tracker is you remove an ai card so you're not only wounding it you're reducing the number of actions it has almost like the creature is getting dumber and more frantic and angrier so as the game goes on it has the ability to do less and less things so and that's this hp when the deck is gone

so this creature started with eight ai cards so once we do eight wounds it will die okay interesting i can go next i'm just gonna move up one two three four five maybe a little color while you say that so i'm going to slink like in the the duran duran hungry like the wolf video i'm gonna get on all hands and knees because i'm a sexy character well i'm beth

i'm gonna i'm gonna beth slink up behind this creature whose butt is too much you're like i'm anxiously like moving your hands around like talking yeah meeting sour patch kids and doing all that classic stuff

and i'm gonna get behind him and go uh you hate to see it

my move i too will do the same thing but like less cool

like more like bofa like bofa no no boofa bufa

Bufo D's nuts.

First, before the creature even attacks, we will roll his dice to see if his intestines like just drag on the floor and hurt itself.

It did not.

So got to.

He's angry, but nothing happened there.

Chomp, pick a target.

Facing, it's facing you.

Will is facing daddy mama, so it's going to attack you again.

Move and attack.

So he's going to roll one die.

It will hit on a two plus.

Hey, it missed.

It missed.

Never mind.

Never mind.

Hey.

It would have been bad because it would have only hit your head.

No, that seems like part of your body you need.

Yeah, see so freaking.

Oh, and just if it's not clear, our characters can die permanently in this game, and you can lose this campaign permanently.

Yeah, you actually lose this campaign in the prologue, theoretically.

The game is super hard and exciting at all times.

It's true.

It's our turn.

All right, so now.

I mean, you're right in front of it.

You might as well go, yeah.

I'm going to get you.

I'm going to get you.

Will rolls his D10.

He rolls a nine and a half.

So one hit.

One hit.

So now you're going to.

So now, this is our first actual normal attack on it.

However many hits you got, I roll that many on his hit location.

Okay.

And then you're going to, per hit location, you're going to roll against his toughness.

So his toughness is six, and your dagger has one.

So what will happen is you will roll a die, you'll add one to it, and if it hits six or above, it will hit the location.

Basically, just so you understand the phasing of it, your first roll is to determine if you hit.

Yes.

The next roll is to determine how much damage you do to what parts.

Yes.

So you are attacking the beast's back.

And there's a failure.

So if you do not damage it, something will happen to it.

Jeezy Pete's.

One.

So no, nothing.

Failure.

Full move.

So now the monster is going to sprint at you, pick you up.

What the fuck?

Slam you against the wall.

What wall?

And you suffer.

And you're infitted blackness.

And you suffer.

And you suffer one damage.

Man.

To your butt.

To your butt.

No, you're going to roll a die.

See where it hits you.

My body again.

So your body's already heavy.

So if you get in the body again, you're definitely going to like.

And it's when you get hit with a heavy attack that you get knocked prone, right?

Yes, but he's already knocked prone.

He's already knocked prone.

That's great.

So there you go, Will.

Daddy, mama, no.

Yep, daddy, mama.

Mama, we're all far away.

And now I'm with this dude charging away.

Yeah, we're a full turn from being able to do any damage to it.

Well, you guys can throw your stone like I did, like a cool guy.

All right, I move five.

That's it.

I move five.

We're like,

we're on the other side strategic.

And can I throw?

Can I throw a founding stone?

Yeah, you could.

You want to throw a stone?

I'm going to throw my founding stone.

Boom.

So that's an automatic hit from anywhere on the board, and I lose this to the game box.

Yep, it's gone forever.

And now we're going to go.

And we only fight with our fists.

Clever.

It's so stupid because aren't there a bunch of stones everywhere?

Can you pick up another stone?

No, but this is

founding stones.

you'll get better weapons quickly unfortunately this is a trap the attacker

the attacker is caught in the white lion's ruse and is savagely mauled the attacker is doomed

you may not spend survival until this card is resolved so you can't you can't do a dodge yes okay so you're going to get a basic attack against you freddie well it's not even it's not even next to it it's going to do a basic attack which means it's going to move oh at least it's off of me yeah six where are you freddy i'm nice they're all within behind it nice right oh if you're you're right on his butt it can't see you there's two spaces behind its butt okay all right freddy's attacking is based on asses seven and a two they're they saw on a two plus though both of them

yeah that's cool whatever so roll two uh location die

those are my he just reached into my fingers to help those good you defend and your head here my waist and my head are targeted so your waist you have

yeah so you're okay but your head only asks you is the loin cloth do i lose one from the loincloth yeah put your belt at one and now you reduce it to zero i take one damage that is absorbed by my waist, my loincloth.

But then he hits your head.

Dude, you know what I think about that?

Damage with a loincloth really.

No, no, no, no.

Here's what I know.

But think about this.

This is the way I think about it.

You ever do that thing where you like lean forward with a cloth and it's like a curtain and then you can stop like paintballs and BBs because it's like a little, just a little bit?

Wait, what?

You laugh, but this is how Japanese archers would protect themselves when fleeing the balcony.

From a lion's maw.

I imagine he swipes at you and like his claws get like stuck in the cloth for a second.

You got to be a damn thing.

You got to see my ding-dong, dude.

damned.

And then after the lion sees my ding-dong, it's like, gotta go for the head.

He's too strong down there.

Too strong.

And you don't have any light damage to your head.

You only have heavy damage, so you instantly get knocked prone.

What?

It would be so great if we just died in the prologue.

Such an easy campaign.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, that was even the creature's turn.

That was Freddy's.

It was Freddie's turn.

Freddy went last.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's the creature's turn.

At the very least, it means the two of you are not active targets because you're prone.

It won't act.

It won't come after Matter Eye.

Oh, prone attack.

Involve any prone player.

Just do that shit.

Pick the closest.

Is he going to run again?

Pick the closest downed survivor.

You're kidding.

Nope.

Okay.

What happened?

I was going to attack you on a two or plus.

Matt rolls.

He gets a seven.

Seven.

That's a hit.

So, one damage against you, Freddy.

So that hits my body.

I'm going to take light damage to my body.

But what happens?

After damage.

God damn it, dude.

The white lion isolates its prey full move the white lion away from all the other survivors place the target so it literally grabbed you in its mouth and it's running away with you

okay cool wait did you check if it's entrails are dragging yeah roll that entrail you're right as it runs away we're gonna check the entrails no entrails no the guts are you guys gotta throw your shit you gotta throw your shit i don't know if they should last time work dude i got double

is it my turn yeah there's only gonna be one trap we can choose the order well you gotta get the fuck up can i get up or do I have to fucking roll shit to fucking stand up?

You just spend your full move to stand up, right?

Yeah, I think you just spend your full moon to get up.

Your full moon?

Full moon.

All right, I will throw my thing at it.

Hell yeah.

Will

we go?

Spend to sling the stone from anywhere, activate this card.

One fucking

critical.

You get one full critical win.

Will throws the stone turn.

It's fuzzy groin.

You hit the monster right in the ding-dong.

That is the the actual

frame.

You really hit the monster right in the ding-dong.

Critical wound.

We gain one lion testicle from the resources.

Yeah, baby.

Persistent injury.

Lost ding-dong.

Your attack destroys the lion's healthy genitals.

The monster is livid.

The white lion gains plus one damage token.

The attacker permanently gains the priority target.

The white lion will attack it until it is dead.

So the white lion is probably going after you?

Because you destroyed

my life and you slip

dong.

Hell yeah.

All right, we got Tesla.

We got

a little fucking prairie oyster out of it.

How does daddy mama feel about that?

Daddy Mama

is like dibs on the narn.

Oh, it's good.

We can kite because it has to walk to you.

Yes, it does.

Hell yeah.

I'll go ahead and move.

Kiting to zone.

Yeah, I'm not going to be able to get there.

I'm going to go ahead and just skit right next to Will.

Mama, Daddy is going to go right next to Daddy, Mama.

Oh, yes, the Mama, Daddy, Daddy, Mama, Mecca hybrid.

I might as well do the same thing because he's just going to come straight for you.

Yeah.

Three, four, five.

So now...

So now Anthony is...

You might be like there so that it's not a damn thing.

So Anthony is now next to Matt and Will.

My character is far away, halfway across the board.

But you can pop up and attack it because you're right next to me.

I'm going to pop up and attack it.

We've got a real Red Rover game going on.

And now you do your fist.

What's your favorite?

I'm using unarmed combat, fist, and tooth.

I roll two dice for that.

I i love that it says tooth like you bite eight and a six one hit now you gotta roll a six or above you're attacking its ribs am i attacking its ribs no way you did damage and i crit a crit seriously yeah crit hell yeah okay uh wound if the attacker has plus three understanding no no the sound of the cracking foe has plus three anything no but if so if i if your character was smarter because we gain understanding as the game goes on the sound of cracking ribs encourages you because you understand its ribs are breaking and you get plus survival.

Whoa, interesting.

Critical hit.

The force of the blow breaks the white lion's ribs weakening it and now has minus one toughness so now we only have to roll a five to hit it hey the description for the lion testes on the card also just says a hefty pair of nuts

i like this game's got a cheeky little sense of it really does it does it has a little cheeky darkest most berserk ask like art style and then every once in a while says things like you hit him in the ding-dong which you know what i appreciate yeah you know what i mean

how do you think they localize the word ding-dong i don't know if this game is localized so we've done three damage to it right yeah yeah okay great okay not even halfway done not even halfway done.

Now it is the lion's turn.

As we know, it only will attack Will now because Will destroyed his testicles.

Okay, so I pulled Enrage.

What this is is actually a new stat that's going to be added to the lion.

So his lion's pissed off.

Makes sense.

You destroyed his testicles.

Now the lion gets plus one damage per monster level.

So it's plus two damage now.

When survivor suffers any dismembered severe injury or is killed, discard enraged.

So essentially he's no longer angry if one of us is killed.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

Maul, pick target, victim of grab last round.

It should be Freddy, but it's so angry at you.

It's only going for you.

It's going to move towards Will, but it's not going to reach Will.

It is just blindly angry, running halfway between Freddy and the three of us.

It's about three spaces away from that group over there.

Luckily, it's within distance of all of us.

I'll go.

Yeah, that makes sense.

All right.

Daddy Mama.

You should just run, right?

Kite it.

Kite it away.

What?

You're going?

Daddy Mama's going for it.

Daddy Mama raises his loincloth to taunt the

when Bruce Lee does the little like beckon forth thing.

And then I'm just going to run at it and beat the shit out of this thing.

With your fists?

Yeah.

Okay, run towards it.

Will has moved to the side, to the left-hand side of the lines.

Now I'm going to use tooth and I'm going to fist him.

With tooth and nail.

All right.

You swung at it and missed.

Swing and miss.

Yeah, so Freddy, your stone is seven or above as a hit.

Your tooth is a nail.

But then we debuff it with something.

That's for when you're after you've hit it to the wound.

There's hitting it and there's wounding it as two separate things.

That is the most complicated thing about this game.

But it is plus two damage, so now every time it hits one of us, it is going to instantly cause a severe injury.

So our creature

run.

Our characters are going to start getting mauled completely.

Okay, I'm going to move and swing.

Matt moves in front of the lion.

I also don't have any weapon.

I missed.

He missed.

All right.

Okay.

I'll do that and hopefully hit because I still have my weapon.

You got an eight, didn't you?

I'm going to get a six and a one.

Sorry.

I'm going to attack.

You still have your weapon.

I still have my weapon.

So I'm going to roll.

I have to get a seven or above, and I got a nine and a ten.

Do it again, baby.

You are going to attack.

It's Beast Smaw and it's Beast Scapular Deltoid.

So what one do you want to hit first?

The Deltoid.

The Deltoid.

Okay.

Scapular Deltoid.

So it's minus one toughness, and now you only have to hit a five.

Okay.

Anthony rolling again on D10.

He starts.

You need a four or above.

It's a four and above.

He hits a three.

That's a misc.

Narrow miss.

Oh, no, what happens on a fail?

It's going to sprint forward.

How?

It's blocked in.

It's failure.

Yeah, it's going to pick me up.

Bigger than

your dude.

It's sprinting forward and is going to pick me up.

Jesus Christ.

So I can't even injure it the second time.

Knock me over.

No, you get to continue your other attack.

Okay.

In fact, I would have told you it would have ran on a failure.

Oh, so I wouldn't have chunked it.

Yeah.

Okay.

And now you're going to attack its maw.

We'll say you provoked an attack of opportunity.

You hit it.

Hey, you hit it.

No critical or anything, but yes, you hit it.

So he only has three health left.

It dragged me away from you folks.

Freddy, you're now not within distance.

So right now, the lion has Matt in its claws halfway across the board again.

I'm going to rejoin Anthony and Will and stand next to them.

All right.

Let's see what the lion's going to do.

Uh-oh.

Pick target is obviously going after Will.

I wave my nuts at it again.

This is going to do a basic claw attack.

For two damage.

For two.

If it hits me.

No, it's three damage.

Let's see it.

Trying to do three damage.

It's three damage.

Which, either way, it would just, yeah, it's three damage.

Because he's angry.

Oh, because he enraged.

Enraged, and he ripped his nuts off.

Ooh, one of the missed.

One miss.

That's good.

Okay.

That's right.

Of course, actually, I didn't roll for his.

Yes, you're going to get hit once.

Let me roll for his intestines.

No.

Will is going to hit you for three damage.

Okay.

Now, wait, you do have one dodge still.

Oh, I do.

A currency we have in this game is called survival, which we brought up because when we name our characters, we get one survival.

Throughout the game, doing things will give us survival.

Survival lets us essentially do special moves.

Right now, our characters only have one special move because we are just naked babies who are just don't even know.

Can't even speak yet.

The one thing we can do is dodge, which is avoid all damage from one attack.

Okay.

So you can use that to stop you from dying.

I'm going to do it.

You're going to do it?

I'm going to do a flip in the air and go, ha ha, and dodge him.

All right so we'll use his one dot i've done a cool pirouette in the air you know like when they you dodge an axe in like a zack snyder movie and it flies over your head it's like his claw just like right over my testicles oh yeah

just sing and it flips around dude and it lands in someone's food I'll come around the back of it.

Do it.

And attack.

All right, let's do it.

Punch him.

Punch him.

Punch him, dude.

Roll your two dice.

Rolling two dice to see if I hit a crit and a three.

So I hit one.

You hit one.

Another crit.

Not yet.

Not a crit, but just a successful hit.

You're hitting the temple.

You're socking it in the head.

Play a punch.

So you need a five.

A five or higher.

Because you don't have any bonus, right?

Because you're not using your stone.

Five or higher, and I roll a one.

God damn it.

Uh-oh.

Failure is going to do a basic attack against you.

What?

You're behind it?

Yeah.

It turns around, waving its butt at will.

It hits twice.

So can I dodge it?

I'm going to dodge for one of them so the killing blow misses.

So here's what you can do.

You can roll to locations and then use a dodge of its head.

Okay, got it.

You say dodge on the head one.

That is a head

and the body.

So I dodge the body.

No, no, dodge the head.

Sorry, dodge the head.

Because heads almost there.

Slip the punch.

Okay.

But then the rest of it, by

putting my body in the way.

So you instantly you get your light damage and heavy damage.

And the third one brings you all the way to severe.

Uh-oh.

Which means it's time to roll on the injury table.

So my body is gone.

So it's your body that was hit?

Yes.

Okay, severe injury.

Okay, so I've been hit now severely.

Now, what?

So, now we roll on the body table to see what you're dead.

Okay, so what's the way roll?

What do you just roll 1 d 10 and 1 d 10 on the body table?

And I've rolled a 10.

That doesn't seem like the one.

No, actually, no what?

No what?

No, it's the other way around.

A one or a two is instant death.

Oh, shit.

There's a one in five chance that you instantly die.

This is actually the best one.

Bowled over.

The blow sends you sprawling.

You're knocked down.

That's all.

You just got knocked down.

You're lucky.

Got them pets.

That's the best you could do.

Freebie.

I will attack with my dagger.

Eight and a six.

That is,

you're going to attack its

straining neck.

Missed.

God damn it.

No failure, likely.

No failure state.

So I would have stood up at the end of the turn.

He did it for me.

You are knocked down.

At the end of the turn, he just popped.

So I can move and attack.

Okay.

Okay.

Matt moves in.

We have now all surrounded the lion on all sides.

I will also use my teeth and my fists.

I didn't hit.

I'm going to hit.

I got a nine.

Woo!

Two hits.

Two nines.

Two nines.

All right.

You're going to attack the beast tricep and the fleshy gut.

Let me check the failure.

What you're going to do.

I would say you should do the tricep first.

Why?

Because the failure for fleshy gut is SWAT's back and can push you away.

Okay.

Then I will attack the try.

So just do one.

Die.

Hey, you hit him.

I hit him.

I give him one of these.

Okay.

If you hit him with this next time, he's dead.

He has to be empty when you hit him.

Okay.

Oh, really?

There's two HP left.

How's that possible?

Because he can't do anything.

He has a basic attack.

Oh, I'm going to get that gut.

Six.

His toughness is.

Oh, yeah, zero.

You're right.

Boom.

Okay.

Yeah, brother.

The next hit, the lion is dead.

It is the lion's turn.

We're going to roll to see if it dies from its own intestines.

That would be great.

It does not.

Oh, so close.

It is going to turn and attack Will, the man who took his testicles.

That's right.

Bring it on, brother.

You've already used your dodge.

Feels like I would have sounded like Macho Mango.

Two hits, two hits for three.

So he's going to take one bite.

Daddy Mama.

So roll your

daddy mama.

Roll your location die to see where it is going to finish you off.

Two bodies.

Two body shots.

Okay, well, is that a good thing?

Because it just said it goes all the way up.

No, no, no.

You got to roll twice.

Roll 1d10.

One.

Oh, no.

Daddy Mama.

The gun sends a bone fragment directly into your heart, killing you instantly.

Rip up that paper, Daddy Mama.

Daddy Mama's down for the count.

Oh, no.

Daddy Mama is dead.

Daddy Mama.

Okay.

Well, guys,

looks at Daddy Mama and goes, Daddy Mama.

Well, again, we don't play individual characters.

We play a whole set of ripped up as characters.

Ashes to ashes, dad to mom.

All right, I'm going to try and hit it again.

You couldn't have both.

I got

six.

No hits.

No hits.

We got to kill this.

I missed.

Two, threes.

Step aside, boys.

Let me.

Randy should throw your thing to do a critical wound.

You can kill it at any moment.

Step aside, losers.

Listen, just don't die.

Step aside losers i'll show you how it's done

bufo raises his mighty fists and rolls a one and a ten one hit

okay hit location is the flank okay cat wound cats hate this monster's very upset eighty bomb almost lived to the end of the fight survivors are victorious collect your rewards by scavenging the monster's corpse the survivors earn resources this is in addition to any any resources we earn from critical wounds.

Nice.

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So we will draw four lion cards.

Ooh, lion resource cards.

Let's see what we got, gentlemen.

One, two, three, four.

We picked apart its cat bones, the eye, a perfectly preserved eye, the white fur, luxurious and soft to the touch, and another cat bone, which is strong and surprisingly light.

Probably mix swords with that.

We will also gather four basic resources.

Just so everyone knows, there's so much stuff around this game that Matt has filled my entire kitchen counter with more boxes of decks and cards and miniatures.

So he's bringing over a whole deck about the width of a large pan pizza, I would say.

An extra large pizza box.

The big Detroit-style pizza box, and it's just cards immaculately categorized with little tabs in between them, like the title of the game.

All of them sleeved beautifully.

All of them sleeve beautifully.

This is a game for perverts.

Yeah, it really truly is.

I like the crunchy.

I'll put it this way: Hoots is so serious.

Well, now they do have an app, kind of, but he refuses to like make a companion app.

He's like, I want this all pen and paper.

Like, I want everything to be fucking sick.

Okay, so we got four basic resources.

We got

a broken lantern, some love juice.

Sorry, love juice.

Love juice.

Ooh, we can do this.

Love juice from the balls.

I like that thematically.

We got love juice from his balls.

During the settlement phase, we may archive this to intimacy.

Nominate survivors, and they can consume it.

So we can get that.

That's super sorry.

We can get intimate.

Consummate it or consume it.

Consume it.

Both.

Your civilization has to learn how to fuck.

And we have love juice now, so now we can actually learn how to fuck.

Yes, very good.

That's how you get other characters in the game.

That's that was awesome.

Do you not learn how to have sex soon enough?

You don't wait a second.

I'm out until one of you guys learns how to fucking know.

No, no, no, but

we're about to find some new survivors.

We're about to make a settlement.

So that was the prologue that says, turn the page to create our settlement.

Place the settlement board in the play area along with the gear and survivors we got.

The survivors we have are called returning survivors.

After the defeat of the white lion, the survivors wander the darkness, drawn to a soft glow blooming in the horizon.

This is the first story settlement phase, and we will create a settlement that we will return to in every settlement phase.

So every time we attack and fight a monster, assuming we've survived, we made a base.

We make to our settlement.

We make a base.

First thing we do upon this settlement is we will name it.

Right now, it's just the three of us, so I think we all can have a say in naming it, except for Will, because he's

dead.

Critical role?

Critical role?

critical role.

What's our settlement name?

No, I mean, look, I know I don't get a vote, but it's like

we tore the lion's nads off, and this is like the dome pod.

I think we call it the nad pod.

Shit.

It's pretty good.

Pretty good.

Our settlement is nad pod.

All right, we're the nad pod.

That's the last thing daddy mama says to you before he dies is nad pod.

Nad pod does DD better.

I mean, you die.

So every time we return to a settlement that has a name, it gives us this ounce of hope and belonging.

We gain one survival.

So we all gain one.

If you're alive, Will's not.

Each of those survivors gained one survival.

So I didn't use any survival last game, so I have two survival now.

Or I should say a mama daddy has two survival.

So one of the things that happens in the settlement, and we'll find the best way to do this audio lead, every time we come back to the settlement, we will slowly begin to build the city by creating essentially storefronts based off of all the resources we got from the animals.

and that's where we construct our weapons.

But most importantly is every time you come back to the settlement, there's usually what's called a story event, which is there's a big deck of cards that has a bunch of different events that happen.

Sometimes a year has a specific story that you need to take.

Other times you just pull a random one.

This being the first year, we are obviously going to pull the settlement event the first day.

The first day.

So we've drawn the first day settlement card.

Anthony, why don't you read to us the first day?

The survivors wander, drawn to a blooming light in the distance.

They find the serene comfort of a towering pile of lanterns and a small collection of scared people.

On a deep instinctual level, they know this area is safe and they make it their home.

Roll 1d10 to determine your starting population and record the result on the back of the settlement record sheet.

All right.

10!

I'm back, baby.

So we have 10 unnamed survivors that we have to name and give genders to.

Yep.

Choose to record genders and names for the unnamed survivors.

Is the 10 including R3, or is it 13?

It's 10 unnamed survivors.

So 10 including R3.

So we have 13 people.

Okay, so let's write the names of everybody who's alive in this town.

So, first, we got Rico Chico.

So, first, we got Mama Daddy.

Well, let's look at the survivors first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, hey, someone who's dead, how about you fucking sit down here?

Will what's your name?

Oh, you're Beth.

Freddie, you are Bufo.

Bufo.

Hero of the Hunt.

Okay, so

write that down.

Bufo, Taddy Mama.

Buffo is the hero of the hunt.

The squeezer is hero.

Hero comba.

No, Bufo, comma, hero of the hunt.

Notes.

For notes, I'm just going to put hero of the hunt.

Thank you.

Alan of the hunt.

And Beth and Mommy Daddy are female.

Yes, this game only has two genders, unfortunately, but we can tweak that.

Population.

Okay, 10.

We add 10.

So we need 10 names?

Yeah.

All right.

We can also hold off on naming them and then name them after people.

Let's name them after

us.

Oh, patreons.

Okay, so we have 10 unnamed.

We will meet them.

Well, Will gets one.

I get one, right?

I name one right now.

Yeah, Will gets one.

Will comes back and

restoring Will's body.

Yeah, somebody goes, no, not Daddy Mama.

Who's the person who is looking at Daddy Mama's corpse?

That would be

Dr.

Jess.

Dr.

Jess.

Dr.

G-E-S-S?

J-E-S-S.

G-E-S-S.

No, I think you're right.

It's Dr.

Jess, G-E-S-S.

Yeah, Matt.

Okay, Dr.

Jess.

That's G-E.

And then under notes, I'm going to put pronounced.

Pronounced Jess.

Like Jif.

Like Jeff?

No, like Jif, yeah.

Dr.

Jess is all man.

All man.

Okay, so yes.

Full man.

All machine.

All right, then you skip forward to the first survivors.

Nominate a survivor to utter the first words.

That would be probably I nominate.

That's Dr.

Jess, I think.

No, but you weren't there.

When the hero of the hunt.

Bufo,

what are Bufo's first words?

Here we start our shit.

Hell yeah, my brethren.

I'm so glad Bufo got to talk.

The next week,

the nominated survivor.

The nominated survivor steps forward and gains plus one courage.

So you throw that out on your paper sheet.

If you get three courage points, you get to experience the bold storyline.

They lead the other survivors in learning to speak to one another.

They discuss their situation, realizing they must hunt to live.

Add the white line to the quarry list on the settlement record sheet.

Your settlement gains the language innovation.

Search the innovation cards for language and place its place up in your play area and record it on your settlement sheet.

And our language, it's Gen Z talk.

Our language is no cap.

We speak no cap.

Yeah, we speak no cap.

Starting innovation language, survival limit limit plus one.

So now we can have up to two survival.

All survivors gain encourage survival action.

So now instead of just dodging, you can encourage because we can speak to each other.

Encourage once per round of standing.

That means if you're not knocked down.

You can spend one survival to call out to a non-deaf survivor because you can lose your hearing.

They stand up if they're knocked down.

So this is just a way to give people.

You can encourage a deaf survivor.

You give them a thumbs up or something.

Well, in this game, the encouragement is- We haven't invented thumbs ups yet.

We haven't invented it.

How dare you?

How dare you come around being like, yeah, yeah, yeah, thumbs up means that.

You know what I mean?

It's like in those cultures when it's like the thumbs up means like, fuck you.

The Italians.

So we update our death count.

We did indeed lose one.

So when things happen in the game, big events, you get to make some decisions.

Okay.

We have our first death.

The group must decide what to do with their first survivor corpse.

What do we do with the body of daddy mama?

We can either.

choose the first harvest, which is the settlement decides to harvest the body for resources.

The settlement will gain the death principle, cannibalize, or we can decide to build a small monument to mark their loss.

Boring.

A small monument?

Yeah, and then we gain graves.

Graves.

We're cannibalizing.

Cannibalize.

This is the animal.

This is the biggest decision I've ever in my life.

We're absolutely eating this corpse.

There's a reason the picture on the opposite page has people eating a corpse.

They know what you're going to choose.

That's true.

That's true.

The big, there's one page that's like all the words and the text, and the page to the left is a big full turn.

And it's just a bunch of people eating this dead corpse.

We have to roll a D10.

Right now.

Right now.

To determine what we're going to do with Mama Daddy's corpse.

And I, the daddy, you have to roll that.

Yeah, yeah.

Will rolls us a nine.

Nine.

Non-native survivor.

Me.

No, not a survivor.

Oh, mama daddy's going to do whatever it is to daddy mama's corpse.

Okay.

So mama daddy frantically tears the corpse open and deeply drinks of its blood.

They decide that for every new creature they eat, they will become stronger.

Daddy Mama, the living one gains one permanent speed yes i'm faster because of you dog yep thanks

speed also like the attack thing yeah speed is how many dice i roll when i attack which is super fucking strong that's insanely strong seems like there are no downsides to eating corpses no absolutely not this is good as hell something we also have to do is we have to choose a survivor to look into the lantern horde and ponder the meaning of life while the next group goes out on the hunt.

Oh, okay.

Oh, someone's got to ponder the orb, dude?

Yeah, somebody ponders the orb and is not allowed to go on the next hunt.

It has to be someone who went on the last hunt.

Yeah, so I guess that probably leaves me in terms of people who've done special things.

What about Freddy's all jacked up on the hole?

Bufo, hero of the hunt.

Bufo can ponder the orb.

Bufo comes back home, screams, let's fuck, and then stares at an orb for two hours straight.

Dah.

In which case, I think Freddy should make another survivor for who he will be taking out next turn, so that way we'll have another name.

Son of Bufo!

What a coincidence!

Now we haven't fucked yet, so this is just somebody who's a fan of the name.

The guy named himself that.

Son of a bufo.

Son of bufo.

Son of buffo.

It's S-O-N-U-V.

Oh, son of a.

Son of Bufo.

S-U-N-U-V-B-O-O-F-O.

Okay.

Son of Bufo.

Male or female?

Female.

Any notes?

Really mix it up.

Strong.

Strong.

Confident.

Powerful.

Can balance their work life and their personal life with no difficulty.

Powerful.

Strong and powerful.

Okay.

Thank you, Matt.

You're welcome.

Okay, we have to death count.

We checked the milestones.

We did that.

Develop.

Oh, but before we do that, I have added just a slight spattering of expansions because I have so many.

I wanted to at least move some of that.

I added gourm.

Gorm is one of my favorite miniatures, so I can't wait to paint it for this, which is just a giant baby with hippopotamus feet and has a huge mouth that looks like a fucking like angler fish and thousands of hands coming out of it.

It's very terrifying.

When we add gorm, we must add the approaching storm.

The gorm storm,

Matt, this is like so close to what I imagined.

Like, was it the cones of Dunsmuir or whatever?

The cones of Dungeon.

It's like this is.

It's all about the gorms.

As the son of Bufo stands up and says, I will join the next hunt.

There's suddenly.

Sorry, it's not as the son.

It's as son of the

son of Bufo

stands up and says, I will join the next hunt.

And also adds the phrasing, that's fucked because we just also, that's just how you end sentences.

Those were the the first words we heard.

The weather takes a turn for the worse.

A light appears on the horizon.

From its origin, roiling masses of storm clouds approach the settlement, soaking everything in perpetual sheets of stale-smelling rain, sudden flash floods, burning winds, and periods.

Last night, God came in my bed.

Periods of strobing, lightning continuously.

Please be warned that this podcast may have scenes of strobing.

The settlement.

God damn.

Leaving the survivors in epileptic fits you may now hunt gorm

add it to the query list on the settlement sheet so we can go after the white and we saw some lightning and we're like hey we should fight this guy some lightning we're like we should now hunt gorm yep well we add the gorm because we like smell it we add the gorm climate to the next lantern year so next lantern global gorming nom made a survivor

uh beth make it better

plus one insanity great insanity is good in this game yeah actually what's kind of a fun thing with this is that insanity is essentially, so you have armor for all your parts of your body.

Obviously, you can't put armor on your brain.

What acts as armor on your brain is insanity.

So more insanity you have, you're actually more able to like

weather the horrors of this world.

However, if you do get too much brain armor, you become truly insane, which then something happens.

So, nominate the survivor, they gain plus one insanity and brave the storm.

Anthony, have Beth roll a d10.

Three the survivor stands in the torrent, pulsing psychedelic lights strike them, bringing them to their knees.

In a flash of morbid inspiration, the nominated survivor takes a stone to their own eyes.

Whoa!

They suffer the blind severe head injury.

Holy shit.

But gain plus one permanent speed.

So you're blind, but you can swing better.

Like you're stronger.

Wow.

That's fucking cool.

I'm Zadowichi.

Zatuichi, dog.

Yeah, you essentially exactly.

What does blind do?

And it's at both eyes.

I think so.

There's two boxes.

I think one for each eye.

You lose one accuracy.

Better to have speed than accuracy.

So you lose one permanent accuracy.

So I have to roll one higher to

initially damage them.

Yes.

To hit them not to do that.

But you have more dice.

Yeah, fine.

If you have two blind severe injuries, you do minus four permanent accuracy.

Oh.

Well, it says I'm blind, so it sounds like minus four is probably what I have.

No, no, no.

You have to get blind twice.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Just one eye.

One eye.

Just the one eye.

Good to know.

Just one eye.

You just do it twice.

And you're like, you smelt the air and you go, gorm.

What's fuck?

Develop.

During this step, the survivors spend their endeavors to craft gear and join activities.

When the settlement starts out, they can build their endeavors at the Lantern Horde to build new settlement locations.

When Endeavor is spent, reduce the endeavors by one.

If you can, spend three endeavors to build the Bonesmith, Organ Grinder, and Skinnery settlement locations.

We do have three endeavors because we got them per person.

So I I think we should just do what they said.

So we are going to build the Bonesmith.

Bonesmith.

The Bonesmith?

We will build.

Not a good Doctor Who.

What?

Good Matt Smith.

Bonesmith.

Wow.

Whoa.

We thought the Solomon phase was going to be boring.

And the Organ Grinder.

So essentially.

The Bonesmith and the Organ Grinder.

Well, the Bonesmith's for Bones, the Organ Grinder's for the organs, Will.

So we have in our settlement now, we have the Bonesmith, the Skinnery, and the Organ Grinder, which allows us to get weapons build weapons and spend the resources we get on the hunt we can also learn how to fuck if we want to use oh we can oh perhaps perhaps this is time to learn the ancient ways in a little bit of tender love making okay so as we've begun building the organ grinder the skinnery and the bonesmith freddy you're saying both uh boof bufo would like to uh consume the love juice bufo while staring at the orb is looking for a frothy draft to quench his thirst.

Yeah.

So Bufo consumes the love juice.

Okay.

Unwittingly.

I was saving that for later, someone says from the settlement.

For today, I guarantee it.

The love juice tonight.

So you must nominate.

I guess it's only fair that Bufo can nominate which survivor.

Matt's found the page called Intimacy.

Nominate one sentence.

Which has a very cute illustration on the other side of just two people cuddling.

It says nominate one consenting male or female.

I think we just do just any consenting people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nominate one consenting survivor, Freddy.

Who consented?

None of us.

I'm not having Beth consent.

Mommy Daddy would like to have sex with son of Bufo.

All right, you two have had it.

Son of Bufo.

I'll tell you what to do.

I drank the love juice.

Check this out.

I got this crazy idea.

No, no, Freddy.

Mommy Daddy will consent.

No, but he's.

Bufo is doing it.

Yeah.

Bufo gets to drink the juice and he will get the fruits of the labor.

Bufo stares.

Mommy Daddy, not interested in Bufo as a person, but deciding that for Anita survival, looking at how we already lost one survivor and we only have 10 others says, sure.

Bufo thinks, and Bufo thinks that, like, the game of being like, have you seen this sick orb by how?

He's like, that looks like I'm a real five minutes into pondering the orb, and he looks at you like this.

All right, Freddy, I'll let you ponder and chill.

I will let you roll an intimacy table to see how you do.

I'm rolling a D10

to see how i do on the essentially

the settlement gains one population the male and female survivors share a deep bond and gain plus survive 10 survival each what now our maximum sex ones

have you ever had sex once

our max virginity i've became bulletproof our max survival is only two so we just essentially maxes out your survival more or less oh man if we had the settlement innovation bed we gained plus one permanent strength after having sex.

But we don't have beds yet.

We just did it on the fucking stone.

Sonny stone faces, dude.

His nose is digging in my hip.

The first time your settlement gives birth to a new survivor.

Gain one population.

Oh, I think we get to name this one for

what's our child's name.

All right.

Mama Bufo.

Right?

Three, two, one.

Mama

Bufo two.

Son of Bufo.

You know what it's Bufo Jr.

Mama Bufo Jr.

Mama Bufo Junior in Italian.

Mama Bufo.

That sounds like a

letta.

Mama Bufo.

You know what I mean?

Bufo de Beppo.

What about Bufo de Beppo?

Bufo de Beppo.

Bufo de Beppo.

Bufo de Beppo.

Nick name?

Bufo de beppo.

No, no.

Name.

Bufo de beppo.

Bufo de beppo.

Okay.

Our child name is Bufo de Beppo.

This is how Matt named Dorothy.

No, Dorothy.

All right.

Now the new principle of life.

Life.

Let us see.

Wait, do you you do the fucking Lion King with Bufo to Beppo?

Well, let's see.

The group must choose how we raise their young.

Oh.

Without mercy, the toys are taken from the child and replaced with gold stone-faced shard.

Training begins immediately.

Oh, shit.

With affection, the cellman embraces the child with warm arms.

Nurturing new life is their highest calling.

Boring!

Do we want to be Sparta or not Sparta?

I want to be not Sparta.

I think the parents get to determine it.

What do you think, Matt?

Well, Bufo, honey,

when I look at this baby, all I can see is you.

That makes me really angry.

No, we can do it with affection.

With affection.

For eating.

I like being affectionate at cannibals.

Yeah.

We're complicated people.

So complicated.

I say with affection.

So we got Protect the Young.

This is just being cynical because the more they love their parents and the more they'll listen to us.

The more we can see that.

Children are the future.

Freddie.

Yes.

Roll a d10 for me.

I roll a d10 to determine something.

Seven.

Another seven.

The children is raised by the entire settlement and endowed with

the wisdom of all the newborn survivor gains plus two understanding and the strategist fighting art.

We are making smart children.

Yes.

Smart warrior children.

Freddy, fill out the character sheet of our child.

You got it.

This is like the birth certificate.

That's what they don't tell you in Lama's class.

So So yeah, that's all about stats.

Well, you gotta make your new character?

Dr.

Jess.

Here you go.

Go fill out Dr.

Jess.

They don't have anything special.

Bufo de Bapo.

So I just need to write Dr.

Jess on this piece of paper.

Yes, and that's survival of one.

Done it.

One.

Survival of one.

Survival of one.

I'm going to call a retcon here and say that Dr.

Jess is our first non-binary survivor.

Okay.

Let's see what we can actually make here.

Bufo, hero of the hunt, allows these underlings to do their whatever the fuck they're doing.

From these, these are like tech trees.

Next time we can use Endeavors to build like the leather worker or the weapon crafter.

The bullet farmer.

We need armor.

We need weapons.

We need weapons more than anything because you have no weapons.

Yeah, we need some webs.

Here are the weapons we can purchase for the bonesmith and then it was skinnery.

Oh,

oh, there's a delightful little shopping list here.

Matt has sleeved a bunch of extra cards.

These are about three inches by three inches, and they are weapon-like cards.

What is the fucking channel where they sell all the stuff online?

QVC.

QVC.

So, yeah, this is like QVC for fucking bone weapons.

We have a lovely bone pickaxe today.

Now, look at the beautiful, beautiful stats on this.

It's a 1-8 plus 2.

There's also the bone sickle, the bone axe, the bone blade, the bone club, the bone dagger, bone darts, and the skull helm.

Now, I love a skull helm because I already have a skull, and I've always thought, what if I had an extra?

Two skulls, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

So we have three bones.

So Anthony still has his

sounding stone.

So I feel like it would be fair for each of us.

and also like freddie and i did literally like add to the bufo was in fact the hero of the hunt yeah so i think we can each bufo and say the full name and daddy

sorry say the full name

bufo legend

thank you my husband

we are the most insufferable couple okay um we're gonna spend these three bones to buy some weapons all right so essentially for one bone each we can get a dagger a blade or a dart you can also get an axe because you got a a lot of organs oh yeah i'm gonna buy an axe with an organ sorry i'm taking it uh i birthed a child i get

that's true that's fair dr jess needs a weapon to operate with so dr jess is going to take a uh bone dagger okay the scalpel i'll take the bone blade mix it up mix it up we got three hides if you would like to get some clothing and i think beth gets a yeah beth gets a vest okay you're gonna get a vest yeah we can do two more vests or gloves or whatever I think we should get two headbands.

Headbands?

Because they protect the head.

I'll take a headband.

I'll look at Bufo and be like, you decide.

Would you like to take the headband or would you like your wife to take the headband?

Oh, dear, you may have the headband.

I need not such trifling things, for my head is full of knowledge from the orb.

It is veritably burgeoning from orb-based knowledge.

I'm fucking good, dog.

Okay.

Dr.

Jess's headband takes the form of like a surgery mask.

Oh, very good.

Very cool.

No.

The only thing here is stone faces and lanterns, William.

There is no humor in the world of kingdom death.

Have we discovered?

Have we discovered viruses and bacteria?

Have we discovered PPs?

No, but

protective.

PPs?

We have discovered PPs.

They're called ding-dogs in the squirrel.

The organ things, we can also get stuff.

Ooh.

So we can get a fecal salve, which is scraping some of the poop from the monster.

It is item, bomb, and stinky are its names, are its whatever code words.

Attributes.

Attributes.

Keywords.

That's the word.

When you depart, you gain plus one survival.

And you can use an action to make it so that you're not a threat.

Like you're putting the monster poop on you so they don't smell you.

That's what we can do with that.

Camouflage.

Let's do that.

Let's do that.

Let's get some shit.

We want some.

Or just really quick, or you can get the monster grease.

We can either do two fecal salves or one monster grease.

Monster grease gains one evasion.

What is that?

You can grease yourself up to sell the event.

Evasion is minus accuracy on the monster.

I think that poop is better.

I want two poops.

Two poops.

We only have two.

Okay, two poops.

You guys spoke.

You can get a poop.

I'll take a poop.

Beth takes a poop as well.

Beth gets a poop and a vest.

What a day for Beth.

All right, so we bought a bunch of new gear.

So now the settlement decides what quarry.

Quarry.

Query.

Quarry.

I want to fuck with the gourm.

I want to fight the gourm.

We must fight the

we fight gourm.

So we choose the four survivors that go.

Bufo, hero of...

Wait, I can't go.

You can't go.

You're pondering the orb.

Bufo de Beppo.

Go look at...

Bufo de Beppo's a baby.

Surely Bufo de Beppo can't go.

No, you can't.

Mama Daddy, who believes in, as we've decided, protecting the young, decides.

that the safest place is to be at her side.

Grabs Bufo de Beppo and puts her on her back like Piggyback Ride and looks at her husband, I guess, and goes.

He's not looking, he's looking at the orb.

Not now, babe, the orb's on.

No, babe, orb.

Poofo, legend of the hunt.

Hero of the hunt.

Hero of the hunt, my dear.

Me and your son shall go consume whatever.

Looking at the orb.

Paging Dr.

Jess to the hunt.

Dr.

Jess is going to go on the hunt as well.

Okay.

Beth will also go.

Oh, no, no epic words to sign us out of this episode.

Okay, so Beth goes,

damn.

Next time, we shall fight the gourm

dungeons and dads is mad arnold anthony birch will campos beth may and myself freddie wong brian fernandez is our content producer ash and nicolette is our community manager courty terry is our community coordinator cindy denton is our merch manager ester else is our lead editor travis reeves provides additional editing and robin rappers our transcriber support independent creators like us directly and hear episode two and three of kingdom dad monster and much more on our patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

And if you're in the U.S., come join us this summer on our live tour, Dungeons and Daddies, the Areas Tour feat Taylor Swift.

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Check it out.

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Season three, the Peachyville Horror, DM'd by the man, the myth, the legend, Will Campos himself, is coming at you in just two short weeks, weeks.

May 7th, mark your calendars.

We'll see you then.