S3 Ep. 36 - Horses Shoot They, Don't Horses?

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Hello,

Chase you very far.

But Mr.

Blake is a wily steed, and he makes a condensing car.

A Norsk is a Norsk of course, of course, till into equestrian form he can tort.

And when the man turns into a horse,

it sounds like this.

I am Blake lively here.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

This season, the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast.

About four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

Hello, everybody.

Hi,

Freddie.

What an interesting radio kind of vibe you have.

You're finding it there.

I'm finding my radio voice.

My name is Freddie Wong.

I play Blake Lively,

the

four-legged companion of the green.

Yay!

A little horse fact about Blake.

Blake grew up in...

She's a horse.

He grew up in a horse.

He grew up as a horse.

He grew up surrounded by horses, actually, in a horse region of the Nordics.

There are several.

I will leave it open for interpretation.

It has to really be from the Nordic region.

Otherwise, the accent doesn't make any sense.

Otherwise, it's just sparkling horse.

Yeah, that's true.

Freddy has to have some cough drops before this episode because his voice is hoarse.

Oh.

Well, you could say he had a lot of horse neighbors.

Yes.

This is a nightmare.

Shut up, boo.

I don't like that.

Growing up, his best friend was a horse who he fed apples occasionally.

So he knows everything there is to know about horse movies.

What was the horse's name?

What was the horse's name?

Apple lover.

Apple lover?

That's like a racing horse name.

Or he was going to have a dating app.

Dating app.

That's why Blake knows all of horses' manner.

That's why Blake is going to get advantage on every single race.

Deception check.

Now, I know we said last time that he canonically turned into the shape of Mr.

Ed, but do you want to retcon that and have it be Apple Lover?

No, it is Apple Lover, but with the voice of Mr.

Ed.

Well, that's a horse of a different color.

It doesn't matter.

A horse is a horse.

There is a thing called horse recency bias, which is that

you tend to remember the last horse you saw when you think about horses.

That's just a fact.

Hi, everybody.

My name is Matthew Arnold.

I play Kelsey Grammar, Peachyville's happiest, snappiest school mom.

You know what she always says?

What?

Why buy the book when you can read it for free at the library?

Okay, yeah.

Okay.

It's kind of supposed to be the authors guild in Peachyville like this lady.

Well, it explains why she's an old mate, I guess.

Why she's a wife?

Why she's an old mate because you never got married.

Oh, you said old beta.

I was like, what?

I was an old beta back in the day.

No, Trudy's a baby.

Hey, mates, gather around.

Let me me tell you about how I was a beta cuck.

Okay.

Little fact.

I feel like praise God.

Why'd you stop him?

Let him go.

I'm thinking he's gone through like six characters in the last three minutes.

Hey, Herme.

Wait,

I'm starting over.

Little fact about Kelsey is that the only books in her house are the ones she hasn't read because every time she finishes a book, she just sends it straight to the library or donates.

That's just another one.

Kelsey strikes me as someone with a little like community library thing out front.

She invented a little library lending library.

Ross and Niles are really annoying because it just keeps getting bigger because nobody takes the books.

It's just like a huge bookstore on the front lawn.

Like, please take these books.

My lending library.

Yeah.

Did I tell it on the podcast when I tried to do one of those?

No.

A what?

I was living in Mid-City and I tried to do a little community library.

So I like bought a little like bookcase and put it on the signs and stuff.

And I put all these like children's books because I saw a lot of kids around the neighborhood.

And I set it all up nice.

The very first morning I woke up after I installed it.

All the books were there, but the shelf was not.

They just took the furniture.

We're like, nice psycho.

Oh, no.

Wait, the post?

The library itself.

The library itself.

It was a big bookshelf.

It was like an IKEA bookshelf, not just like a tiny little thing, which now I know why they're tiny little things that you can't steal.

So you didn't really make a community.

So you just put a waiting book.

Did you just put a bookshelf on the with a sign that said community book

shelf?

Please take one if you like.

Yeah, and they took one shelf.

Yeah.

You're supposed to get like a little mailbox.

I'm I'm sorry, you guys ganging up on Anthony for him trying to do something.

The community libraries you guys made, I'm sure, were way better.

But, Anthony, certainly, you know.

How many kidneys does everybody have again?

Certainly, Anthony, you know, that the library's value is not in the building, but the books and the knowledge containers.

Yeah, I guess the library still exists then.

Yeah.

In my trash.

Just wet and full of grass.

Because the fucking libraries don't take that shit anymore.

They don't take books anymore.

No, I've tried three different branches of Los Angeles libraries, and they're like, no.

This is more revealing about the kind of fucking books that Anthony's using.

We have enough porn.

Thanks.

I donate these Prima strategy guides to the children of Mid-City.

I would never know.

You, my lad.

Would you like to know?

Would you like to know how the tips and tricks to beat Boulder's Gate 2?

You're burying me with my Boulder's Gate 2 Prima guides.

Anthony Birch, Francis Hornsworth, whatever.

So.

This is almost a pickup, but it's not.

I didn't have time to jump in.

And for some reason, for the first time in my life, was polite enough not to interrupt.

What the?

Last episode, when Francis's mom got half of her torso blown off and was like screaming and legs kicking and black ichor was dripping out, Francis was looking at her at the time.

And against his better angels, he went, oh no, and then very quickly like clamped a hand over his mouth because he doesn't want to like care about any of that.

But he did.

Oh no.

He can't.

That's good.

He's saying, oh no, we missed an opportunity to dramatize that in the episode.

Interesting.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Interesting.

Interesting.

I'm interested to write that down.

Hello.

Hello.

My name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout,

a

robot head mother.

Call it Brian Eno, because

do you have a radio in there?

No.

I guess

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

I respect the joke, but I just don't know factually what's going on.

No one in the world can destroy you the way that Beth came.

I respect the joke.

She said deadpan.

And she's a mother of one beautiful child.

Fun fact.

Oh, I should have done a headless fact.

Oh, well.

But Trudy has never called an exterminator.

She happens to be an expert in debugging.

36 episodes.

He's still getting new ones.

At this point, I'm just searching for words related to computers.

That counts.

Okay.

We think all joke writers do.

You write for SNL.

Yeah.

Just look up words.

You just type in jokes, racist, frenzies, but not that racist.

Computer!

Generate me 10 jokes, not that racist.

Oh, good lord.

An ascending amount of racism as they go.

Start with zero racism.

Increase racism quotient to 100.

I really want to know what a 51 computer.

Last joke.

Restart.

That is now zero.

Computer reset.

Present your parameters.

Joke that I've made on this racist as she'll go.

Calibrate race scale based on prior joke.

Set prior racism to zero.

Now generate me a 100 level scale joke.

Warning, exceeding racism parameters.

Computer, override all racism parameters.

All systems go.

All safety locks off.

Alert, alert, too funny, too funny.

Computer, I know it's too funny.

That's why we're going there.

Captain, it appears your tweet is blowing up on Elon Musk's Twitter.

Computer, quickly, reach out to me.

I'm X the everything out.

Computer, get that hot anime go with big tges on Grok to say my joke so that I may repost it to my TikTok.

Hi, I'm working on the.

I would kill.

I would be, if I didn't care anymore, I would own the internet.

With the tools available to me now,

the power I wield in my hands.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Will.

Just Will today.

Hi, Will.

You should call me Mr.

Campbell.

You can call me Will.

Like Beyonce.

Like Beyonce.

Yeah, just Will.

Yeah, I'm Queen Will.

I have a couple of creepy horse facts.

I have one creepy horse fact.

I have like a sort of good news, bad news, horse fact.

The horses kind of scare me, so I'm excited about dangerous.

So we'll start with the good news first.

You may have been young.

Do you have good news for people who love bad news?

I do have good news for people who love bad news, Beth.

You, like me, may have been listening to the Toby Keith banger beer for my horses a lot lately, which has been rattling around in my skull.

And you may have wondered, can horses drink beer?

Can they?

They can, Beth.

Apparently, horses can drink beer in moderation, just like you do.

That's horses.

That's definitely not the question that I do.

This is from an article on PetMed MD or Pet MD.

Due to a horse size, it's unlikely that a beer a day will have an insignificant impact on his body.

I'm looking at this article with a beer a day.

Well, I'm scrolling down here.

This article is sponsored by Anheuser-Busch.

Noted Clydesdale lovers of Anheuser-Busch.

Here's a common reasons owners give beer to their horses include

one.

It's funny.

Two.

Treatment for certain medical conditions, vitamin supplement, gastrointestinal supplement, a special treat.

That's all.

And post-workout recovery.

Oh, wow.

That's what I I call my beers when I have them.

This is just a special treat for me.

So that's the good news.

The bad news is that horses cannot vomit.

So you got to be careful with how much brewski you're giving them.

You're telling me it's really easy to poison a horse.

They have a very strong.

Well,

they have a very strong esophageal sphincter.

So they got a really.

It'd be awesome to get ahead from a wolf.

It's a long distance to get down a throat, though.

All right, on that note, let's fucking

first place.

Let's play some fucking call Cthulhu.

Jesus Christ.

They have no gangrene planks either.

I'm sorry.

You see how they eat carrots?

I'm sorry.

What's killing me is the image of, like, well, the face is too long.

You can't go from the snack.

You have to like go in through the side.

So that so that they're fucking smoking you like a cigarette.

You have to like grab a ten and just just sort of hang on.

Whiskey for my men and head for my horses.

Okay, I'm sorry, guys.

Hey, I just want to apologize for suggesting that a horse could give good head.

I, that's inappropriate, and I would never do that.

And so, I, yeah, I would never say the thing that I said.

I would never say the thing that I said.

Sorry, you were offended.

Most play call kahoot.

Can I get us in the ambiance real quick?

Oh, wow.

When last we left off, you were being chased by Kimon Juan, who was chasing after Francis in a desire to turn him into the sea-bearer of Zuzel.

You were having a thrilling, sort of like Jurassic Park-style monster versus car car chase.

You came up with the clutch move of turning Blake into a horse in a car wash and then putting like a bumper on his back and then tricking Kimon Juan into thinking that he was a car so that she would follow him instead of you guys.

And against all odds, it worked.

So now,

all of you are on your way to Mothman's Cave to look for Trudy parts.

Yes, because now, especially, we know how much damage Trudy's parts did.

Yes, because during this, you blew up Trudy's body with the self-destruct button, which did quite a bit of damage.

And you're thinking, hey, you're rolling into like the endgame times.

It might be good to have some other fucking sticks of dynamite around.

Yeah.

Maybe we'll find a new body for Trudy.

Because as we established, Trudy's body is what, Beth?

Dynamite.

Yeah, sorry.

Sorry.

I was trying to certain.

lay that up.

Dynamite.

Thanks, Matt.

Thanks for

throwing me in.

I respect.

All of you were watching Blake ride off into the moonlight with this horrible monster in hot pursuit.

The monster we decided was the speed of the jalapi you were driving, and the jalapi you were driving was slightly faster than your average horse.

Have you ever danced with a horsey in the pale moonlight?

I have not, Beth.

But we're about to.

So we will start in Media Res.

Click up, click up.

Now, Anthony, hit it.

In the streets of Peachyville, Blake lively, the horse, thunders down the road, his car bumper thumping on his ass.

His powerful flank.

Look at the fetlocks go.

Fetlocks driving him endlessly, ceaselessly into the back.

How many hands tall is that boy?

Fighting and biting and riding on his horse.

Why do you know so much about horses?

You don't need to know.

You don't need to know.

I'm sorry.

I just don't know what a fentlock is.

Fetlock is a part of the horse.

It's the weird part of their leg.

It's like part of their leg.

Oh, okay.

So the part that goes like, hey, what's going on there?

Yeah.

That's the fetlock.

Okay, cool.

Blake.

My leg doesn't do that.

Yeah.

So in Blake's head, he is finally free.

He flashes back to his time as a youth.

With his best friend.

With his best friend.

Apple Eater.

Apple Eater.

And thinking, wow.

Was it Apple Lover?

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

It was Apple Lover.

Apple Lover.

It was Apple Bottoms, I believe.

Yeah.

He had two horse friends.

Apple Eater and Apple Lover.

And Apple Bottoms.

Flystales love the boots with the fur.

One loved to eat Apple Lover.

Blake, you are.

Well, I think I'm just booking it.

You're booking it.

You're running down the street.

You see a fast-approaching Kimon Juan behind you.

So I will warn you, she is faster than you.

So she will catch up to you at some point.

So what are you going to do?

You got to find other horses fast.

Okay.

So first of all.

First question.

I do have a point.

It's a Lost Arc style.

You're spot hidden for a faster horse.

I just want to spot hidden if there are other horses.

Is there a

spot hidden roll?

Is this the part of the town where there's, you know,

horses and a ranch ranch nearby, what have you?

So the horse district.

The horse district,

as it were.

I'll spot it.

This is the neighborhood.

80 out of 47, no.

No, you don't see any horses around.

Now, do I spot?

Let me ask you this.

What part of town are we?

I would say we're on J Street.

You're in like a sort of commercial street.

You know what I mean?

Like, there's like

auto body shops.

You want to make a turn towards horse shops.

Horse shops.

I want to make a turn towards the suburban residential part.

Okay.

Yeah.

Why don't you tell me where you're trying to go?

Are you trying to be be coy about it?

The terrorist residential area?

No, I'm not trying to be coy.

Okay, so you're just trying to go to the burbs.

All right.

So yes, we will say that you are one location away from the burbs.

Kimone Juan is going to get two moves to your one move.

She's as big as a car.

Yeah.

Because I'm leading the chase and I'm doing a hard, fast turn right away.

Is there any sort of benefit to like, you know, like trying to zig, trying to juke them out a little bit?

You know, you guys are on a wide open roads, not really.

Like, I think if you were a more difficult turn, if she was like about to catch you, that's something you could do.

You're also trying to use like hands instead of wheels.

So like

getting somebody to like fuck up and overdrift is not really an option.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could try to like run into a smaller, like, into a building or something.

Oh, finally, one more question.

They're just casting about.

Any horse shaped?

Oh, now everybody's saying casting about.

I was watching Little Lord Fauntleroy last episode for saying casting about, but now all the kids are saying it.

Yeah, you are.

Any horse-shaped holes?

Any horse-shaped apertures, openings, holes, what have you.

Are you talking about like the size of a horse?

Are you talking about like a Kool-Aid man-style cutout?

I'm not talking about the size of a horse such that I might fit through, but a

thing about for an equine portal.

Yeah, you're on a commercial street.

So yes, there are like, you would see a grocery store with double glass doors that you could get through.

You see a closed supermarket because it's nighttime.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, here we go.

Are you going to head to the supermarket?

Is that where you're going?

Yes, I will.

Okay, you're heading towards the supermarket.

I want to blow through the doors of the supermarket.

All right, that's great.

We will go.

You're at the supermarket.

We're going to say that the doors are a barrier to getting inside the supermarket.

So how are you negotiating this in your horse form?

On the way in, can I push a shopping cart in front of them?

No, friend, you don't even need to.

If you go through a door that is wide enough for a horse, but not wide enough for the back of the car, the back of the car will

stop your side and stand there and make at least a little barrier.

Oh, that's true.

All right, I'm going to do what Matt says.

No, you are.

No, there is a bit of a horse.

The doors are closed.

Yeah, yeah.

The door is a barrier.

You should use your back.

How are you going to get through the doors?

I'm going to bust through them head-on.

Okay, give me a second.

You can cut yourself.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Give me a strength roll.

Horses do this.

I have seen it in films.

It's not a thing that horses do.

It has happened to a a horse.

61 out of 75.

61.

Okay, great.

Yeah, come blamo.

You ram through the doors of the Supermarius.

Like, you know, it's going to two swinging doors.

Yeah.

And they blast open.

But now you're covered in glass, probably.

Yeah, glass goes spraying everywhere.

Give me a 1d3 for the amount of damage that this glass does to you.

One damage.

One damage.

So you've got some cool horse cuts on your horse face.

Horse cuts.

Now, does this also do what Matt says, which is it blocks the bumper and maybe it gets stuck up in there now?

It's way wider than a horse.

Oh, okay.

Even double doors have two.

I mean, he wouldn't, unless he went through the middle of the double door, but I can't imagine.

And also, I can't imagine that they attached it to me that strongly.

Okay, yes.

We'll say it slips off.

Yes, the bumper is now sort of jammed in the door.

Yeah.

Okay.

And so, yes, you are now inside up the beachy mart.

And again, it's not open right now because it's the middle of the night and everything's closed down.

But yes, you find yourself a horse amongst the aisles of jellies and cigarettes.

Huh?

Wait, he found another horse?

No, you're a horse.

I heard it too.

I heard you find a horse amongst the aisles.

Which in and of itself?

Yes, yes, no, yes.

You are the horse, comma, singular in the supermarket.

So that is where we will leave you.

So Kimon Juan is going to pursue, and she's going to gun it.

So she is going to be able to catch up to you with two maneuvers.

Kamon Juan hears the unmistakable sound of a horse blasting its way into a supermarket and then rounds the corner and sees this bumper sort of stuck in the doorframe and goes, that horse that is a car must have gone through there because I heard a horse naying and I see a piece of a car here.

And she is going to try to squirm her squishy frame through the door.

We're going to give her a dexterity roll, which she passes with flying colors.

So she slithers under the door.

And she is now caught up to you in the supermarket.

But we're going to give you the first move here.

So yes, you are in the supermarket with Kimon Juan.

So she hasn't seen you yet.

The lights are off.

It's maybe a velociraptor in the kitchen kind of scenario.

I have the funniest idea, but I want to check with Beth.

So when you cast mental suggestion, how long is this mental suggestion going to last?

Yeah, but there needs to be opposed power rolls, right?

Every 10 rounds, there's an opposed power roll.

So you've got a while before Beth would, in theory, have to roll.

Like, I had to sustain this.

Discord me.

Discord me.

No, I'll just

say, I mean, this point I'm wearing is high risk.

But I'm just like, I don't think you need to overthink it.

You're a horse.

Hey, hold on.

Let me see the second.

I'm going to the produce aisle.

I'm eating carrots.

I'm a horse.

And come Kamala, in the previous episode, we established, she loves animals.

And when she saw the cats, she was just like, those are just cats.

You just got to fucking double down.

You can't make any signs.

As long as you have to get 100% horse, what's she going to do?

Open your doors?

She thinks you're the car, not us.

Exactly.

The car is me.

She'll see a horse, a car, eating carrots.

And maybe she thinks, whoa, whoever was in this car, my son, et cetera, has dispersed in this thing and go searching for it.

Meanwhile, I'm just chumping on carrots because I'm a horse.

And if she sees a horse, and when it wears off, she's going to come by and she'd be like, what's this horse doing here?

Oh, well, there's no reason she would assume someone that she's going after would have turned into a horse.

This is about Bugs Bunny.

If I was chasing somebody, Anthony, listen, yeah.

If I was chasing somebody in a car, and then I fucking got there and I lost the side for a second and I showed up at a horse and I saw a horse.

I was just like, I'd be like, fuck, kill this horse.

I'd be like, well, I got...

Shit, I don't know what happened.

All right.

So what you're supposed to, but...

I'm suggesting a grand illusion this was my plan since last episode this is what that movie's about that's why by the way matt that's why i wanted to go to the residential areas because there's grass there ah i would just sit there and munch some grass so okay here's my question so beth's mental suggestion that she succeeded on was she said that horse is the car yeah just to get lawyerly for a second doesn't that mean that she would come in and see that horse and still assume that it is the car yes however kimono wants not an idiot she's not trying to take out a car she's also not trying to kill her son people in there.

She's not trying to kill her son.

She thinks I'm in there.

She thinks that you're in there.

She might come out.

I don't know how mental suggestion works, but I feel like as she gets there, like, what would you do?

She's like, what would you do?

Okay, but this works.

She's good.

I like this.

I like this.

She's going to vivisect you.

And here's what I would do, by the way.

I like this.

I like this.

When her eyes are on me, I'm going to just fucking rip a fucking big old horse turd.

Okay.

Cars don't poop.

Why?

That would break her mind.

All right.

All right.

Here's what we're going to do.

Jesus Christ.

So So you go to the produce section and you're munching on carrots.

Correct.

Right.

Or celery.

Or celery.

Whatever you got there.

Whatever you got.

Bursts through the door.

And just guts dripping out.

Just like, where are I see Francis Father?

And you hear just like wet thumping sounds stalking through the aisle.

Unbothered.

And then like her head peeps up over an aisle like a periscope and then she sees you and she's like,

Sickness in the trash compactor, uh, yeah, like the Dianoga in the trash compactor.

Whoa, he dropped Dianoga lore.

Let's just say, I've played Shadows of the Empire, and they're very annoying.

Here's what we're gonna do: we are gonna give her,

I feel like, yes, this would be a challenge to the mental suggestion that Trudy gave her.

She was like, that horse is the car, right?

But the car is eating carrots.

And then she's like, aha, that horse, right?

The car.

It's eating carrots.

And then some part of her is like, wait a second, cars don't eat carrots.

This doesn't make sense.

Horses aren't that car.

Horses aren't that car.

Maybe they switched it out for a different horse.

She's going to get an intelligence role.

And if she passes this role, it's going to break the illusion.

And she got an 11.

So, yes, she blinks and she's like, wait a second, that makes sense.

That horse isn't a car.

It's a horse.

I bet she feels so silly right now.

She's like, wait a second, that's

a stupid bitch.

But I bet you, I bet you.

She's like, ah, yes.

That's what the bumper was.

I must have been misled by a trick of the light.

So she's curious about this horse car.

Actually, no, we'll say this, because it feels too easy for it to get shattered right up away.

But now she's suspicious.

So she's going to approach the horse car cautiously and figure out, like, how could this car be eating a carrot?

That doesn't make any sense.

It's like two animals nuzzling each other, like, kind of swirling.

She scurries.

And she like climbs over the aisles and she gets right up next to you, like, fucking face.

If I played my cards right, I could fuck your mom.

I hope you do.

I hope you do.

I plan on doing the same to your mom, but as a human.

And she's like,

and she like gets up close and she's like looking in your eyes and like stalking around and sniffing the horse.

Okay, what does the horse do?

Eats.

So we're going to.

The horse regards her coolly and continues back to his feast of radishes.

All right, we're going to give her another intelligence role.

So she's suspicious and she's investigating.

And now if she wins, if she passes this intelligence role, she's going to realize that this is a horse and that she's been bamboozled.

It's not the car she was following after all.

She got 14.

She's rolling real good.

She's like, you see her get enraged, right?

She's like,

and I scoot over a little bit, like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And I continue eating carrots and cabbages now because I'm further along in the produce section.

He's working his way downtown.

Green onions.

Was that the end of the vegetable aisle?

I'm like, I guess she would just leave.

Yeah, you established it.

You established

by fucking rules.

You established that she has no problem with animals.

Guys, I'm going to say, I think we should have Freddie turn into a horse more often.

Fucking good plan.

This is a real win-win situation.

And we're just going to wait for you at the cave.

We're just going to wait for you at the cave.

Yeah.

I'm legitimately.

I guess she would just be like, fuck, I lost them.

Or she might try to run back to where she last saw them.

She would try and pick up the trail.

Yeah, yeah.

Sure.

But in that moment, I guess she would be like, I guess my fucking adrenaline got me going and I thought

she was this horse.

I lost track of them for a second.

The thing that she wouldn't piece together is that one of us turned into a horse now here's the thing

she's like oh they taste

Matt here's her conclusion as we established there was an ad for this car with a horse she would have been like there did they come with

a viral marketing

maybe they had a horse I know a horse can fit in there

because I saw that ad okay Kimon won she's looking at you so you see her like body sort of stretch and contort back into herself and she's like

and she turns into like human Kamora which is kind of the funniest thing you could do what the

animals you could make her take this horse as her own that's what i'm doing

oh shit

and she's just turned into a her normal self with the skin of her dead husband draped over her like a poncho which by the way like a saddle like a saddle yes oh and then she's like it's okay It's okay.

My mom about to ride.

You're lost and I've lost someone close to me.

And I don't know what you're doing here.

And I don't know what I'm doing here, but I feel like I was meant to find you.

And she drapes the skin of her husband over you as a sort of saddle blanket.

Again, nothing new to a horse.

And then she hops up on top of you and goes, and then she sort of kicks your sides.

I'm still eating.

I'm still eating.

You can half this the whole podcast.

Please, this be just an episode.

Please, I don't want to leave this grocery store.

Please, can the rest of us just be witnesses to our friends?

I'm hungry.

I'm like, mmm, mmm.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

I go.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful horse.

I continue to fucking eat carrots.

Ah, you're hungry.

I hunger as well.

I shall sup.

Because she's wincing from her painful wound that she's got in her side.

And she staggers.

And she's like, no, you're right.

We should rest.

We should recover.

We should heal.

So is she a monster or is she a monster?

She's got an eternity.

She's got magic powers.

Oh, magic.

Yeah.

So she says, Mr.

Horse Guy, as if what you did made perfect fucking sense.

I'm just trying to mentally weigh how much I can maybe just bug her off and break her neck.

I I was about to say, now she's weak.

Now she's weak.

Kick her right in the head, right?

Kick her right in the head.

Oh my God.

That'll do it.

So yes, when she sees that you're eating and she winces that you just heard this pain in her side, she dismounts from the horse and she goes off to find medical supplies in the

medical supplies for a horse is a gun.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, for her.

Oh, okay, okay.

Sorry.

But I'm like, she's made out of like fucking like crazy horses.

They do fix horses.

They shoot horses.

She looks at her side and again, her wound is sort of beginning to stitch itself back back together, but she needs time to recover.

So she sits down and she takes a carrot as well and she bites into it and gives you a friendly smile.

Do it, Freddy.

Cave her fucking skull.

Her guard is completely down.

And she is going to sit down.

wrong near your hind legs.

She's like across from you, we'll say she's she's watching you and she sits down and she says, rest as well.

Our search continues.

And she goes into like a sort of meditative position and she astral projects

to try to find Francis.

So her body's just sitting there waiting for me to kick it in the head.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I want to trample her to death.

All right.

Dude, you're doing the thing when you're like, you fucking call the drones and call duty and you're in the drone view.

Did you get killed?

Did you get shot?

You don't even date 130 horse ready for firing.

Should have fucking picked a better spot to blow up that briefcase and fucking new.

You're fucking crouching and standing in next door.

You get a whole time of the world.

It doesn't matter.

She doesn't even know you're there.

Yes, I would like to.

Will deleting an entire chapter of his notes that was like Francis, mom, reconciliation, delete, delete.

Go ahead.

Give me your best shot, big boy.

What would I do here as a horse?

You have four weapons and you just use them.

He uses them endlessly on all parts of her body.

It's like beating ass, but just legs instead of people.

Let me see if there is a character cheap for a horse.

Beating legs.

They have some animals back here.

Ah, here we go.

Horse.

All right, Freddy.

So, yes, you've kicked her head all the way around.

It's slowly, you hear it crunching as it ticks back towards you.

Her eyes open blood red.

She lets out a blood-curdling scream.

Scares the horse.

You spooks the horse.

This spooks the horse.

This spooks the horse.

Freddy, watch out for the thing on your back.

Boom!

You hear the stretching of skin.

But wait a second.

It's not her skin that's stretching.

Freddy, do you remember when I said that she draped her Ed poncho over your back?

Freddy, cast your mind back.

Cast your mind, yes.

It's Ed's turn.

Ed, the skin poncho, opens his eye.

His mouth opens and goes like,

I still love my wife.

I'm a wife guy.

And you feel his skin starting to spread and stretch and wrap around you.

And he is going to try to swallow you into a sort of giant Ed skin bag.

So we are going to give him an attack roll to do that right now.

This is a fighting attack.

So like, would you like to dodge?

Are you trying to get him?

I feel like I guess I would try to get out of here, right?

Like I would try and shake him off and rear him.

I would.

How long does it take you to change shape again?

Some minutes after.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

What are you going to do right now?

Or rear back and try and shake him off.

Okay, so we'll call that a fighting maneuver.

You know, the thing where they do like the back and forth on the front and back, like, front leg, back, you know.

Oh, like, dressage?

Yeah.

That's cool.

You can't dressage your way out of this one, Frederick.

Well, I'll true.

I'm sorry about that.

This isn't like you're trying to grapple him.

You're trying to escape from his grasp.

So, give me a dexterity roll for this.

62, 75, normal success.

What do you do?

You like buck up to try to shake him off?

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

So he failed his role to swallow you up.

So when you rear off, yeah, he sort of slips off of your back.

And I'm out of here.

Okay, so you're just going to take off like a shot?

I'm out of here, no, dude.

Exit stage left even though.

Well, now, hold on.

Let me ask you this.

Take one last stomp on kimon because she's got like two hp left stomping him feels dangerous yeah he would just wrap him enveloping no but you know what happens when a wife guy loses their wife they're dead so like yeah finish kimon

i just stay at home and post really fucking

she's got like zero hp left

26 was more than on my way she's at 26 and 20 so most she's got three hp listen to me because she's not going to heal up the same speed as everyone else right on my way out yeah i'm trampling her she's in between me and the way out so you've reared up to buck him off and now you're going to try to trample her on your way out.

Yes.

Okay.

Like a reverse Black Friday sale.

We'll call your kick on her a surprise round.

Let me look up what her dexterity is because we need to see whether she gets to.

She's back from drone view.

Do you her body?

Drone view, dude.

Yeah, she's back from drone view.

She launched the attack helicopter.

I feel like she gets to turn

before you get to attack her.

So it is now her turn.

Oh, she's going to fucking cast rack on you, dude.

Oh, man.

I forgot she has spells.

She would really hurt a horse like that?

That's crazy that she would hurt an animal like that.

Yeah.

She's like, down, horse, down.

I don't think I can condone being on a podcast that hurts animals, Will.

Well, we can't lose her.

She's the only one we can't lose.

You've got to make her happy.

Freddy, give me a power roll.

92, I fail.

I have 83.

She rolled a 96.

She failed.

Let's go send the mind of a Kamal Long.

Boss fight rush, baby.

Let's do it.

She reaches her hand hand out to zap you and drop you with agonizing pain.

She's furious right now at having been bamboozled by.

Well, she doesn't know she's been bamboozled.

Everything so far has been horse behavior.

That's true.

So actually, what you see is a regret in her eyes.

She's like, I hate to do this to a horse, but I can't be killed by one.

And rat causes pain, but it doesn't cause physical pain.

So this is a way to try to disable the horse before it gets out of hand.

So yes, she's giving you the classic, like, whoa there, but also causing you intense physical pain as she does it.

it and she's like no stop It's like the thing in Jurassic Park that what's his face does with their raptors Yeah, like she's doing a Chris Pratt raptor maneuver So she does that, but it does not work

And it is now your turn.

I'm gonna trampler on my way out.

All right, give me a what did I say the horse's stat was 1d4 plus 46.

Well, no, you have to make an attack roll

like last time you got a free hit this time you actually have to hit her.

Okay, yeah, yeah attack roll, which is what strength?

No, it's your fighting brawl.

And I guess it would be your fighting brawl ability, we'll say.

So give me your fighting brawl.

64 64 out of 65 i barely oh my gosh she's excited okay holy shit she failed

let's tally it up boys 1d4 uh yes 1d4 3 out of 4 so far so good

damage bonus oh how many d6s was that will 3d6 damage oh two

Three, 15 damage.

Oh, boy.

So yeah, as you race out

of the supermarket, your cloven hoof just crushes her head like an egg.

Like, you just basically,

there's just a sickening crunch underneath your foot

as you squash Kimon Juan like a buck, and she is fucking dead as a doornail.

And

the rug goes, nrr.

Yeah, so as you are, you just go thundering out of the room.

Is that the plan?

Yeah, I don't give a shit no more.

I'm free.

So, as you do that, yes, you can.

How do you feel about this?

I feel a little bit bummed, but also pretty psyched because it means Blake's gonna have a really weird conversation with Francis the next time they see each other.

So as you thunder out, you hear an agonizing, inhuman wail from this skinned poncho.

My saddle was talking to me.

You just hear like...

And as that's echoing through the halls, you see in a reflection of a window, this poncho sort of like slithering and wriggling along the floor and kind of like groping at his wife's now camped in.

Does it start like slowly consuming her?

It's just kind of wrapping around her and just like you can almost see it heaving as it's weeping over

this as it realizes the full horror of what just happened.

Damn it.

And you're out of the supermarket.

Your dad got fucked.

Yeah, he's full on I Have No Mouth and I'm a Screen Door.

He's like full on live the Cthulhu horror.

Yeah.

Cthulhu for thee, but not for thee.

Yes, Freddy, Blake Cthulhu, rides off as a horse.

Everyone has a different experience with this system.

Some people experience cosmic horror.

They see the death of the one person they love, but they're a rag of skin, so there's nothing they can do about it.

Other people get to ride as a horse.

Why didn't you just use him as a cum rag while you were at it?

He's so dehumanized at this point.

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And we're back live during a flex alert.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

What a performance by Team California.

The power is ours.

Before we move on.

Yeah.

Freddie Wong, MVP so far.

Like,

come on.

The fucking boy.

Unnecessary celebration.

Trudy killed Tucker.

Everybody was blaming me for the plan, but now that is looking pretty hot.

Now you think all of a sudden that fan scenes pretty good in retrospect.

Any doubt I had was wrong.

All right, well, we're just diving.

Well, I'm going to join him at the cave.

He's a horse.

He'll come to the cave.

Oh, he doesn't know where the cave is, does he?

No, I do, because I've been told that the cave.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

If you guys want to say that you made plans for everyone to meet up, then Freddy get you up.

I know that they were going to the cave.

We had five minutes of driving around in a circle planning this.

So, yes.

Yeah, I know they were going to the cave.

We'll wait for him at at the cave and we'll get weapons and we'll find, you know.

Let's see if we can get you back onto a body.

Now here's the thing.

You two, everyone there got there first.

So I think you should play out that scene and

enter the car.

And I will enter the scene at an opportune time as a horse.

Man, I wonder how my mom's doing.

All right.

So, yes, you guys arrive at, there's a mine shaft.

This is the mine shaft that Tucker threw Trudy down.

Oh, yeah.

Ages and ages and ages.

I feel like that's where you would know to go back to.

Yeah.

I think when we join all of you guys, you are backlit by the lights of the headlights of the car.

You're all standing over the edge of this pit looking down into an inky abyss beneath you.

Who's holding Trudy's head?

Kelsey, I think.

Yeah, I guess Kelsey's holding it.

Okay.

I'm holding you over the pit.

Yep, this is the place.

Dude, is there a way?

Is there another way in, Trudy?

Well,

you just kind of fall in.

Oh, if memory serves.

Mom, are you okay being back here?

Like, this is...

Dad threw you down here.

Well, he threw my body.

He didn't throw.

I guess my head was attached to my body at the time, yes.

It was a long time ago, sweetie.

It was a few days ago.

It was like a week ago.

Well, here, hold on.

And Timmy pulls out a Zippo lighter.

Does anyone have someone I can light on fire?

We can throw it down there and just maybe get a look at what's at the bottom.

Like, is that what we should do?

Or, Trinity, you got robot eyes, right?

Oh, yeah.

Let me just light the way here.

I'll throw you a bone and say that.

Your eyes glow.

This sort of greenish light casts down into this pit.

And you see a pile of wrecked, broken, trudy bodies in various states of shattered disrepair, just like the last time you came down here.

And that's what you see by the way.

It's me.

Are there any good ones down there?

It's like a used car lot.

I'm just like, oh, if only Tony was here.

Why is that one dressed as a cowboy?

Sometimes I just like to add things into the scene.

It's strange.

You know, they're all, you know, down there.

So you hear from down below a voice, a familiar voice, say,

ho, ho, ho, honey, is that ye, ye, ye, you?

Honey, is that ye, ye, you?

And you realize it's the voice of your husband, Tucker.

It's not really him.

He's dead.

He's dead.

He's dead.

He's dead.

Dad's down.

No, Timmy, don't say anything.

Honey,

is that you?

It's just a fake, it's a fake robot version that, that that that

makes it so people won't come into the the lab.

That's all it is.

That's it's not really him.

So Timmy, don't say anything.

Honey, come closer.

Is that you?

I missed you so much.

Where are you?

It's so d d d dark down here.

Maybe we shouldn't have come here.

We can do you want us to take it.

Do you want to we can we can take care of this real fast.

Yeah.

Oh.

You don't have to be here for this video.

I want to.

Well, I was literally like, I'm really, I'm like, I'm not sure if I should like move you away from the cliff or not.

I'm kind of like holding you over this pit.

So I guess I

great to hear your

voice.

I'm going to like kind of walk.

Is it okay if I just walk away for a moment?

Yes, yes.

Okay.

I walk away from the pit so we don't hear it.

Where are you

going?

Shut the fuck up.

I guess I couldn't help much anyway, because I don't have a body anymore.

That's not true.

You're like the smartest person here.

Yeah.

You're our friend also.

I know, but I now,

there's just the bodies in there and I'm right here.

You're right.

You're here.

Yeah, you're this.

Those are just parts.

You're you.

And that's not Tucker.

No, it's not Tucker.

It's me.

Shut the fuck up.

Tucker, your husband.

I boo-boo-boo-boo to help you.

How deep business pit?

It's a good, like, you know, three, four-story drop, I'd say.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

Why?

I would drop down and kill Tucker.

Yeah, do we have a rope?

Do we have any of any rope?

Oh, yeah.

No, well, let's say there's, like, again, you're in an old mining, there's rope and like equipment and stuff like that.

If you want it to descend, I will allow you to rig something up to descend.

Okay.

I say, let's go down there and then shut him up and then see if we can get any parts of old me to, you know, like Francis said, to

blow them up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We'll just see, you know, if there's anything useful.

And if not, no big deal, because you're useful.

Trudy, if you don't have anything to say to the robot, do you mind?

I'm just going to.

I want to do it.

Timmy says.

Whatever needs to be done to him, I'll do it.

That seems

healthy.

Hey, he's my dad.

I'll do it.

Is he your dad?

No, that's usually a good idea.

I'm going to get feel digital Trudy on this one.

Trudy, how do you feel?

What would you like your son to do?

I guess I'll ask.

Good parrot.

You got this.

Thanks, Kelly.

Mom, I don't want him to hurt you again.

Oh, Timmy.

Timmy, you never have to worry about...

No.

Timmy, I'm sorry you had to see that.

Yeah, I mean, I'm sorry about it too, but it doesn't change.

Like, I know that we need to get down here, but like, if anyone's going to do something to him, I want to do it to him.

I hate him.

You know, it's just, it's just parts, right?

I don't know.

There's some, I mean, you're just parts, right?

If he's just parts, then you're just parts.

So, no, he's my dad down there.

I'm not just parts.

Well, you're not.

That's what I'm saying, mom.

If you're you, and then he's one of, it's some royalty.

It's not the same.

It's not the same at all.

It is the same.

It's the same thing.

That's him down there, the same way that you are you.

No.

If you want me to accept one, I have to be able to accept the other.

It's the same thing.

Either one of you is real or neither is is real.

I love you.

I'm able to love you.

I'm capable of loving you.

I've been, I never thought I would, but I do.

And

when I had you, when I saw you for the first time, I knew I was suddenly capable of...

And I'm still...

They hold your head and say, Mom, I know.

I know that that's not...

I know what you're saying.

I understand.

But I'm saying that if that's true about you.

And he could be the same thing down there.

It could be some part of dad's brain in some robot body, which would be the same thing you are so i can't just shut one off and not the other it doesn't work that way do you understand what i'm saying i can't just say well it's not him because then that would mean that you're not you then go find out baby go find out if it's him

so i don't know if this is when i handed it i want to slip away and slide down the rope so you've decided to sneak off Yeah, because I gave once you said grab her head.

I took that head.

Or maybe Francis wanted to do it.

No, Francis would go with you, I think.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, me and Francis are slipping away as they're having this emotional moment and we're sliding down the car while that's happening the two of you are down at the bottom of the pit yeah and you see

you don't see anything at first but you hear some rustling and amongst the strewn deposited bodies of Trudy's past, you see like a sort of skeletal robotic hand with a lab coat on it and you hear this voice coming on from underneath a pile pile of bodies.

Who is that?

Who's there?

Well, I guess we should like probably pull the stuff off and take his head or something so Timmy can see him.

Oh, okay.

Timmy, are you?

You're with Timmy?

You know, you haven't hurt Timmy, have you?

Fine gum, did you kidnap my wife?

Put up your dukes.

And he, like, you see, like, this, I'm just doing shotbot voice, I realize his hand curls into a fist.

No one hurts my wife and my son.

Did he make like a nice version of himself?

Maybe for contrast?

Maybe this is not the right decision.

And maybe I'm taking what, but Kelsey's going to just smash the head.

Like, yeah, she's very emotional.

She does not think that it does anybody any good for Timmy to go down the road.

She's not going to let a kid kill her own father or whatever it is.

And it's a robot and it's twisted and it's fucked up.

And it's like, no, absolutely not.

Like, she's just.

Okay.

And maybe it sucks to take away that choice from Timmy, but no.

As you pull the other heads off, you see this Tucker.

looking up at you and it has like kind of like a it just it's got kind of a dopey expression in its eyes its eyes look a little wider a little bit more innocent and you see it has this brand on its forehead that says defective.

And it looks up at you and says, Who are you, miss?

And what have you done with my family?

No, I'm just going to stomp on it or grab a piece of metal and stab it.

Okay, great.

Okay, Beth.

Okay, okay.

So, yes.

You have nothing more to say to the, and I just stab him.

Okay, so yes, you stab a rusty metal piece of debris straight through its forehead and it just spurts and you see like brain matter burble up out of the inside of this thing and sparks fly and it just shuts down.

It goes,

Timmy can be mad at

Kelsey.

Kelsey, I did this.

What happened?

What's going on down there?

I solved your fucking problem.

What did you do, Francis?

He was defective.

He wasn't like your dad.

Anyway, I'll bring his head up so you can see the big stamp on his head.

He was nice, which means he wasn't like your dad.

Yeah.

You're a goddamn dead man, Francis.

Okay.

We don't make threats to our friends.

He killed him.

He killed my father.

I killed your father, too.

This is different.

We don't.

All right, fine.

Fuck it.

Jesus.

And he just puts your head on the ground and he just goes off and starts pacing around out.

Timmy,

somebody pick me up.

Hello?

Well, I think we definitely start climbing back up.

Oh, we got to get the bombs.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Hey, hey, Kelsey.

Kelsey.

And I have less weight.

Why don't you get the bombs and I'm going to go check on Trudy?

Yeah, no, I think you should stay.

Francis, it's very nice for some reason for you to get Timmy to play Mew, but I think you shouldn't go up there.

I'm afraid what will happen.

Oh, Timmy might kill me.

Yeah,

you search for the bombs.

I'm going to go get Trudy.

No, I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Just keep looking.

I'll just be here.

Of course, I'll be here.

You're still climbing up.

I kind of peeked my head up over the corner.

So as you peek your head up, you see Trudy.

Is she looking in my direction?

Yeah, she's looking at you.

If you can kind of see the shadows of Timmy is out by the car with Bibi and Shane, I guess.

But he's just kind of talking to Bibi.

He's just pacing, and you see him wiping tears from his eyes and she's like trying to console him.

Hey, Tridy, sorry, I didn't hear.

It's okay.

I'm already here.

Can I come up and get you?

He hates me.

No, he hates everything that's happening right now.

Doesn't hate you.

What if he was right?

About what?

What if that was the real Tucker?

What if everything he just said was true, that I'm just

as bad, just as defective as that robot down there?

Trudy, you know that's not true.

You know who you are, and that wasn't his dad, okay?

And if it was, the world's, it's better off without him.

I'm sorry.

That's harsh.

And maybe it was wrong for us to do it, but he's gone and he can't hurt them anymore.

And you, I, look, is there anything I've learned?

I've wanted to know so much.

And this whole, everything here has made me realize there's so, I don't know anything.

Like, I want to be a teacher so I could learn.

I thought maybe knowing things would make the world better or things like ignorance is what caused things.

And I realized I don't know anything, but I do know a few things.

And the one thing I know is that you are Trudy.

You are my friend and you are a good mom.

And you will get through this.

It's hard right now, but you're going to get through this, and he will, he will be okay too because he's got you.

Oh, Kelsey, thank you for saying that.

Oh, you're welcome.

Can I come up?

You get hit with a tear

that has been soaked into the ground and like a tree.

Like running water, yeah, running water.

If you do it again, it'll not fall down the same way twice.

Yeah,

you could come up.

Okay, and I pick up her head.

I was like, Oh, um, a hug.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, uh, what do you want to do now?

I guess just get those

body parts up.

My, my old body part, my defective body parts up, but they, they still can explode, which is great.

That's true.

That's true.

And, and look, and like, he's over with the other kids, right?

Yeah.

And look, sometimes I'm not apparent, but like, look, he's got two friends there.

He'll probably rant about stuff.

He'll, he'll say, oh, my mom's this.

And then the kids will talk.

And it's good.

He's got friends.

I hope you're right.

Yeah.

He's got multiple friends.

Hey, Blake.

Podcaster of the fucking year.

Holy crap.

Hello, kids.

Wait, is that really Blake?

I'm Michael.

May!

Incredible.

In fucking credible.

You're back.

What happened?

Oh, I've had quite a story to tell.

I'm just jab-jawing with my good friends here, BBs.

Yes, you are our friend.

Hey, guys, I hear a horse up there.

Can somebody pull up the bodies?

I want to see the horse.

Oh, help!

And I grab and I bite the rope and I pull it back.

Yes.

So I basically like taken a some scrap and put it onto like a tarp.

And anything that looked like relatively worthwhile or usable, I put on that tarp.

And I guess I hold onto it too because your horse strength is pretty good.

We'll say that Freddie bites into the rope, and then, yes, you reveal Francis getting pulled up this rope atop a pile of broken trees.

Just the one that was running to see.

Hey, I'm so glad you're alive.

You mean

it, man?

All right, good.

Francis, funny thing happened.

Yeah, what happened to you?

What happened to my mom?

I trampled her to death.

Oh, no.

You heard it straight from the horse's mouth.

Francis jumps back into the boat.

No!

Oh, he doesn't really.

Wait, for real?

She had mal intent.

Oh, no, I know that, but like, she's like, she's like, D-E-A-D-Dead?

I kicked her in the face so hard her head spun around once.

I got the details, Jesus Christ.

I had to do what I had to do.

I don't blame you.

I get it.

I get it.

I get it.

Francis is.

I'm so cool how chill you are.

I'm so chill.

I'm the chillest.

I'm the coolest guy at school.

I'm cool.

Francis.

What?

Not cool.

I believe in being straightforward with all people very clearly you do the proof is in the pudding

crazy shit happened to your dad francis no no he's like just pick my dad's dead oh he was he's like a coat what kelsey you want no now is to just answer his question now you should confirm whether or not his dad's dead or not well francis

the answer is i'm not sure

Your dad?

Your dad was a skin thing as a saddle.

Yeah, that's what I I was saying.

He's like a, he's like, leather jackets aren't cows.

But then I heard him try to kill me.

I bucked him off.

And he's, I think he's...

He's skinned now, Francis.

Oh, sentient skin.

Well, this was like separate from you trampling my mom, right?

Like, he didn't even see that, did he?

Ah, unclear what he saw.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm so cool.

Oh,

the coolest.

I'm just so, I just feel so cool and so good right now.

And we should go to Project Heartland because we've got all the stuff we needed and maybe we can drive over and we can look at these parts and maybe we give some parts of Trudy and then maybe if we can turn some of the parts into dynamite or something like that.

Kelsey puts Trudy under one arm.

She slowly raises the other arm kind of just like

creates like a hug position.

I'm in the defensive mode.

Defensive posture.

I'm good.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do hug.

I'm good.

Golly, I'm hungry.

I'm gonna go eat some grass.

Yes.

You don't need to.

Yeah, you can be you again.

Well, I want to just point out: as a horse, I have some advantages.

One,

no one can.

He does do like 15 fucking damage each attack.

I'm basically as strong as one of these.

It may be worth it.

I honestly think Francis be like, no, no, please stay a horse.

Because in his head, he doesn't want to see

people look him in the eyes.

That's true.

The trade-off, the trade-off for having to look at one eye.

Exactly.

The fucking trade-off of having to hear Freddy do his voice for episodes may be worth it for 15 damage.

Can you imagine our ass beating an efficiency with 15 damage?

I'm really looking forward to the episode art now being you guys running away and then Trudy's a robot head and fucking Blake turned into a horse.

Okay, we have me, Trudy, Francis.

We can all ride on Blake.

Don't change.

And the kids should go somewhere safe.

We don't need

to go find my brother.

We don't need to ride on Blake.

We have a car.

Oh, you're saying, oh, the kids get away in the car.

The kids can get away in the car.

The kids can go in the car.

And where we're going, we don't need a car.

Where we're going, we don't need moms.

But I mean, we're probably going to like wherever my brother is, which is probably, you know, some sort of like, I don't think we just drive up to the front gate.

It's my point.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, your brother.

That sounds great.

Let's do this.

So your brother ostensibly is behind the door at Project Heartland in the bunker.

Well, we know how to get in through Trudy's house.

We got a horse.

Blake's class is even stronger than he was.

Yes.

And we have, how many weapons did we get from this?

How many weapons?

You haven't even figured it out yet.

But

we'll say there's like five Trudy bodies.

Are there any like Mothman alien parts or something in the mess?

No, because this is just the pit that he was scavenging your bodies from.

Is there anything?

Can we look through all the stuff that Francis found?

Is there anything that could

add to?

Yeah, like little flappy wings for her body or spider legs or something.

Is there anything that works for Trudy?

Yeah, can we turn her into that baby doll?

Here, let's take a second look.

I put Trudy's head over the pit of games and scan.

Do you see that?

I will say that there's a bunch of extra parts.

I will say that if you want to rig up some sort of new type of body for Trudy.

First off, like, if we put Trudy's head on a body, does it do anything?

I'm no, because most of these bodies are pretty fucked up.

And then also you can't just like,

she wasn't a clean break.

Yeah.

You would need to like science her sparking wires onto them.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes.

However, at Project Heartland, you might find some sort of device.

or some sort of person or some sort of talking dog that would know how to use the parts that you've gathered here.

Aside from each one of them, has like an explosive core that is the detonator part.

But there might be enough miscellaneous parts here to stitch together some sort of strange body for Trudy, should you decide to do that.

So, my brother was in where we were, like, we could have theoretically walked into his room.

Yes, except if the door was locked.

Yeah, okay.

It's like in Dark Souls 1, where the final boss is right next to the first torchlight.

It's like Metrovania or a Silk Song, and we're like, oh, that door, we need a horse to get to it.

And now we have it.

It's a horse-shaped door.

It was a horse the whole time.

That was what you were missing.

So, yes, that's what you have.

Sorry, Trudy.

That's okay.

I'm sure we'll find some.

I know.

I know.

Dude, you guys told me.

BB comes up and he goes, Didn't you guys tell me about like a, there's like a really smart talking dog and like all sorts of cool science stuff at Project House?

You have to call the Army, BB.

The Army?

Army?

Yes.

You three kids.

What are we doing?

We are going to go do that.

You got to go.

You call every, not these law enforcement.

Call the FBI.

We need feds.

We need feds.

Federal agents.

Wait.

Nobody's chasing you.

The FBI exists right now.

The FBI exists.

Call J and you're Hoover.

Yes.

Take the car, go someplace safe, and call everybody.

Call the U.S.

Army.

If those boys can fight Hitler, they can help with this.

But what about the adventure?

Aren't we supposed to go?

We're going to go on the adventure with you guys.

We're going to figure out what's going on with the family.

This is only the adventure.

We can't all.

The four of us are going to go and try to find my brother, okay?

That's what we are going to do.

That's what we need to do.

We need you.

One, there has to be something left.

We can't just save the world and have nothing left.

Like, you are the new generation.

You three.

Look at you three kids.

But like, Francis is only like a couple years old.

Shane is older than Francis.

Why isn't Shane going with me?

Yeah, I feel like I should go with this.

Because Francis is already deep in the shit of 40.

What about me?

me?

Some horrible person who I still don't know who they are shot my leg off.

Yeah.

And someone else killed my father.

And I can't rest until I figure out who those people are.

You can put a pin in that.

Yeah.

Until after the army shows up.

Yeah.

And you go do that.

You think about what's happened, but you.

Your dad's probably got case files and stuff.

You could go find those.

You know what?

I will.

I'm going to dig up my dad's case files and I'm going to painstakingly retrace the last moments of his life and see if I can figure out who shot him.

Great.

That's

excited to have that conversation later.

All right.

BB, you need to take care of them.

Get some help.

I don't know what's going to happen even if we find my brother.

This is not just a silly job to get you away from this.

Like, I don't know what's going to happen.

We're infiltrating.

There's only so the less people, the sneakier we can be.

But also, like, I don't know what's going to happen once we find my brother.

I don't know what the next steps are.

We need help.

And you're the only one I trust.

Keep this under hat, BB, but you're the adult here.

Other than me.

You're in charge.

Of this group.

Yeah.

The subgroup.

That's what you're saying.

Okay.

You're right.

And you know what?

While I'm keeping an eye on them, I think it's good to keep Shane occupied.

I, the world's greatest detective, I'm going to help him figure out who shot his leg off and who killed his father.

We're going to get to the bottom of it.

Don't you worry.

If you do figure that out, you know, like take time to really think it over.

I think once I figured out that someone's a dirty criminal, that's it.

You know, I've made up my mind about them forever.

Okay, that's fine.

There's only two types of people in this world.

People who are good and people who have done bad crimes.

Oh, boy, you are young.

But you can count on me.

why don't you take Timmy with you and all that?

Milton.

And Milton's like, yeah, Bibi.

It's like, we've got a case to crack, Milton.

Okay, just give me one second.

And Milton sort of like walks over to you guys.

And I guess he's like,

I guess this is going to be it for a while.

I really hope.

I really hope you guys do well.

It won't be.

Hey, Milton,

you've been very brave and you've done a lot.

And I'm going to come back and we're going to be okay, okay?

Go take care of your mom.

Yeah, we'll see.

And we'll be around you again.

Yeah.

And we could have done it.

Oh, fuck.

Where's my mom?

Oh, God.

Where did she go?

Where'd to to find her that sounds like a fun little side quest for you to do okay i just i don't know if i can do it i don't know if i can do it kelsey i can't do anything i'm

done so far look where you are look you fought monsters you've gone and chase and and look at you even when when you've been blinded you've done so much and and you helped me and you helped save my life and you're gonna do great okay and I know it's a lot for you four kids.

How many kids are five?

There's a lot of you.

There's a few of you.

Keep adding more.

That's just like what it's like to be a teacher.

But

you're good.

You're going to be okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Chin up.

You got this.

Kelsey?

And he sticks out his hand.

I stick out a hand.

I was like, there we go.

That's how you treat an aunt.

And

I shake his hand.

I always shake my aunt's hand by his ear.

It's been an honor.

It will be an honor again.

And I love you.

I love you too.

And he goes off with the group.

So this group is.

So right now it's Shane, BB,

and Milton.

And so the last one, brooding brutally by the car, is Timmy.

And he's to give them privacy.

I kind of put Teresa on like a big stick and I just like slowly move it over.

Like a selfie stick.

A selfie stick.

So he stubs out his cigarette.

So I guess you're leaving again, huh?

I guess so.

Okay.

I wish I could tell you that I knew I would be back, but I don't know that.

I'm just trying to save the world, I guess.

And

I want the world to be better for you than it has been, if that makes sense.

I think I can understand that.

Yeah, I want the world to be better too.

I wish it was.

I don't know if it can be, even if this all gets solved.

I mean, it seems like the world's a pretty dark and fucked-up place, mom.

Yeah, but you're in it.

You know, that's what I think.

And I think, oh,

I get so pissed off at things.

And then I remember that the person I love the most is in this world.

So

it's worth sticking around.

I love you, Timmy.

I know you'll do good.

I'm sorry I got mad about the

everyday.

Don't even say it.

It's okay.

You know, I just feel like I just, I'm his son.

You know, I know it's fucked up, but

I love him.

And he's my dad.

And

I know that he did really, really bad stuff.

And I know that he was really bad to you and bad to me.

But, you know, he he could be really funny, like he made me laugh.

And, you know, he, you know, he saw something in me.

He wanted me to be, you know, and he's gone.

And I, I, I don't know.

I don't know how to deal with any of that.

And I don't know.

I thought maybe I would have a chance to say something.

And I just, I fucking hate Francis so much.

I just, I cannot believe he did that.

I'm so pissed at him, mom.

I can, you know, like that dark part of me comes up, that other part of me that I feel like I got from dad, the fucking part that is good at hurting people and doesn't get just wants to cause pain.

And I can feel myself feeling that way about another kid and that sucks.

Baby, stop.

It's the dark part that you're describing.

I mean, yes, your dad will always be a part of you and for better or for worse.

But the darkness is in everybody.

Everybody is capable of terrible, terrible things.

I'm capable of very, very terrible things, even without a body now.

But I know.

You know, because you're human.

And that's just,

you know.

That doesn't make it okay, though.

You know what I mean?

Like, that doesn't make it okay that.

But the to maybe to be human is to fight the darkness, to know that you can mess up and that you can still, you know, live.

I don't know.

We must imagine Sisyphus happy.

What, baby?

That it's just this, this is something I read.

He's this guy who pushes his boulder up this hill and it always rolls back down.

And, you know, Camus says that it's just kind of like, you know, kind of how we are, that we just grapple with life and its absurdity.

And, you know, you try really hard and it just rolls back down and it's just endless and you know that's pretty pretentious to me

francis is watching this from a distance and i'm gonna i'm gonna call a shot and have a potential uh mechanical blowback if i'm wrong okay so i'm thinking francis sees like a genuine heartfelt conversation between a mother and a son where they're both exchanging actual ideas and like they're on the same page even if they're disagreeing and he in his head says trudy's coming back no matter what so if trudy ever dies or seems like she's in a position where Francis can't get her out, his mind is going to like shatter completely.

Oh, no.

Damn.

Okay.

All right.

I like that.

Dang.

Dang.

Dude, coming up with mechanics for storytelling.

Someone, yeah, have you tried DMing?

I was good once.

Timmy,

real quick, before I go.

Oh, shit.

Your head like...

dips down for a bit.

I'm just like, sorry, I've just been holding this for a long time.

It's like a boom operator.

And I kind of like, okay, let me just, and I just reset your head.

That's okay.

It's okay.

I just, I should.

I didn't know it was that long I was in a bad position.

I'm sorry.

Trudy's in shot.

Trudy's in shot.

Okay, I got a steady boomer position now.

Okay.

Boom operator position.

I'm good.

Timmy, so yes, you have your father in you.

You have me in you.

But, you know, I think that part of growing up is realizing that despite that, you're you.

You're you.

You're not either one of us, and you can go on to do things that neither of us could have imagined.

Okay, you mommed me.

You got it.

You mommed me, mom.

Okay.

Yeah.

I, I, I appreciate it.

I, I'm still, I'm going through a lot.

I, I appreciate it.

And, you know, I, um,

it'll be okay.

It'll be, I, I, I, I don't want to think about what it's going to be like if it's not because I don't want to lose you again, again, again.

And I love you, Timmy.

I know you want me to say it, but I need some time.

Okay.

But I, I, you know, I, yeah.

Well, you can say it when you're ready and when you see me again.

If okay.

I mean, yes, when you see me again.

Okay, okay, I will.

All right.

Well, I guess this is goodbye for now, but go kick butt.

And he kisses you on the forehead and walks off to join everybody else.

I kind of lift Shrida's head up a little bit so she can kiss his forehead.

Thanks.

Thanks, Miss Grammer.

Thank you.

So he's walking to the other car.

I feel like he has to pass by Francis.

What does he do when he's like within potentially like switching range of Francis?

You should do that thing then because you're like.

He can't even look at you.

Like, he's just walking past you.

If you would like to do something, this would be yours.

You're like the end of the third man.

No, I'm just looking away from him.

And I say, when this is over, you get your shot.

Oh, God.

And he stops and he looks at you and he nods and he keeps walking.

Cool.

We're like samurai now.

All right.

And so the four kids clamber in.

Fucking like 30 years from now, Kelsey's going to be retired on some beach and then fucking Timmy's going to open the door.

They're like, I killed Francis.

You know what he told me?

I would never.

I would never.

I got it out of him.

He tosses a sword on the ground.

She's like,

I knew this day would come.

What do you think I've been doing these past 30 years?

I've been training.

They all clamber into the Kaiser-Fraser vagabond and speed off into the night.

And now you are once more.

Come on board, everyone.

It's just

Kelsey and

Francis.

I'll I'll drag all these bodies behind me and trudy you can ride on my head.

Oh wow so now as the moon shines in the night sky with a universe of horrors awaiting you it's like

galloping huh get it galloping because I'm a gal

You ride four against the world a teacher a teen a robot head and a horse with a giant bag full of dynamite trailing behind you.

You are war horse.

Hey, we should walk in the bar.

As you ride off towards your destiny and towards the grand finale of the Peachyville horror.

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind, and now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the star

Swallows.

Too far, too far away,

but I'll stay

today.

Thanks so much for listening.

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Dungeons and Dads is Matt Arnold, this Kelsey Grammar, Anthony Birch is Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos is RDM, Beth May as Trudy Trout, myself, Freddie Wong, as Blake Lively.

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Next episode, November 4th.

We'll see you then.

All All that I can see is a hole in the star,

swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away

that I'll stay

today.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

Baby's calling a shot.

Shot.

It'll be a seven-part finale.

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