S3 Ep. 33 - Double In Them Kelsey

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Good evening.

We start our program, as always, with a cheeky recounting of our previous episode's entertainment.

That adventure brought to mind a certain motion picture set entirely in a lifeboat, directed by a legendary master of cinematic suspense.

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I can assure you that director was deeply flattered both by the harrowing tale of doomed souls surviving at sea and by the gargantuan penis looming over the scene, second only in girth and clearly inspired by a certain member to which I, or should I say, the director, is personally quite attached.

I was also fond of the bit with the horse girls.

Tonight we present a story no less strange, though regrettably lacking in giant penises.

Instead, you will encounter a bloody hand, a burning car,

a booming gun, and let's see.

Oh yes.

and by the end of this episode one member of the guttural screams will die

don't worry though it's just scrippy

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

This season, the Peachyville horror.

A

Hey, what?

Hey, don't call me that.

Hey, hey.

I'm Colin Cthu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmos fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America and for a few episodes the middle of the ocean yep yep yep that's yep well that happened

well that happened my name is Freddie Wong I play fast thinking slow talking plumber Blake Light horsewoman Horsewoman yeah you're bad at swimming

I heard horse women

Horse woman, too.

Yeah.

Well, I have an idea for season four.

Horse women, you say.

There's like three ways you can hear that, by the way.

Horse.

We didn't talk about Black Beauty from last episode, too.

Oh, yeah.

This week's Blake fact, you may be wondering why Blake didn't dive out

of the airplane in haste after his friends.

This harkens back to when the very beginning of the war, Blake was in basic training thinking about specializations.

And he heard someone say, oh, you know, you could be a paratrooper.

And Blake went, Pair of troopers, but I am only one.

That was pretty good.

The end.

All right.

Nothing but respect for that fact.

Hey, everybody.

My name is Matthew Arnold.

I play Kelsey Grammar.

Hi, Matthew.

Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school mom.

You know what she always says.

What does she always say, dude?

I have to know.

An open mind is like an open door.

It's necessary to let the best people in.

Oh my God.

Yeah, but you do have to lock that door sometimes.

You let everybody in sometimes.

Quick fact about Kelsey, kind of also just clarifying timeline.

John was an eighth grade teacher and right before World War I.

He was a teacher and he was only in eighth grade.

No, that's a fact now.

John was such a genius.

He was the first eighth grader that

get shot in the face of World War I.

Dang.

Dude, that's a good hook for like a fucking

teacher.

And it's like, yeah, it's like, meet your new teacher, your best friend.

Oh, man.

He's going to teach all the other eighth graders.

Like, he's such a fucking.

Oh, my God.

That's a good hook.

That's a good hook.

You better write that script now while there are still schools.

Yeah, good point.

Anyways, it was just going to be that Kelsey was in fifth grade when he went off to war, and she was very excited at the idea that at some point she was going to be taught by her brother in class.

She was going to be taught by an honorable veteran of the Great War.

She looked forward to the day that he'd come home decorated.

An honored veteran.

Yeah, she was actually purposely like failing class so that she could keep getting held back in grade so she wouldn't miss her brother when he came back.

Yeah, but then he died.

Then she's way too smart for her.

Sounds like the best thing he ever did for your career.

I'm Anthony Burch.

I play Francis Farnsworth.

Boo!

Amateur skydiver.

What do you boo?

I saved your life.

Slayer of boss man.

I just wanted to do it for once.

I just wanted to feel

expressed myself honestly one time on this podcast.

I boo all the time.

It's very free.

This is very upfront about her hatred of me.

The fact for Francis today is that he has a list that he updates regularly of

the women that he

or the men that he wants to marry one day.

How, I just, how big can that list be?

Not big.

No, I just played like MASH as a kid?

Is it in order?

Sorry, MASH?

Yeah, because I'm like, I feel like you're...

How many played MASH?

You've never played MASH?

Were you pretend to be in the Korean War and like, no, no, no, no, no.

It's the little game with the foldy thing.

And then you're like,

it stands for Mansion Apartment Shack House.

What?

Yes.

It's called MASH.

You basically write down like, who would you ideally like to marry?

What job would you ideally like to have?

That's a good comment.

Yeah, unless you do that for an episode.

But you basically write out your ideal life, but like in descending order of like preference.

And then you basically do, it's either a folding thing or a draw spiral thing.

Basically, by chance, pick something from each of those categories.

So then if you don't know what you're doing, in the future, you're going to be married to Ryan Gosling in a shack.

Aw, but you're a digiturtle for a job.

Hey, like,

goddamn that rules, dude.

Do a ninja turtle shackle with Ryan Gosling?

MASH predicted my entire future.

Really?

I didn't even know what a podcast was when I first wrote it down, but then here I am.

Podcasting in a shack.

Yep.

Shack cast.

Hey, it doesn't matter.

His top one is Betty Crocker, but she's not a real person, so he's living for disappointment.

I actually didn't know that Betty Crocker wasn't a real person.

Not a real person at all.

I have a fun Betty Crocker pact.

You know, I'll get to it with my pack.

I'll say it.

Actually, it is a genuinely creepy Betty Crocker pack.

Oh, great.

Here we go.

It's so exciting.

Hi, my name is Beth Mae, and I play Trudy Trout, a homemaker, mother, and a rubber.

Mother.

Well, we're really reaching towards the bottom of the barrel here.

And it's just getting harder and harder to find roboty facts that I can spring forth.

But, you know, that's all to poison the well.

I apologize.

I should have a better attitude about this.

So fact about Trudy.

And tell me if I've done this exactly.

You have to stop saying that, Beth.

So a lot of people...

have asked Trudy if she's had some work done on her face, some plastic surgery, et cetera.

And she technically has not, but she has gotten, well, not Botox, but Cubotics.

What's that?

It's a, it's a, it's a, um, it's a startup that that was specializing in solar panels that went bankrupt.

And

the bottom is fucking sold.

I know.

Did you just make that up?

No.

No, it's

real.

There are a lot of computer terms about it.

But But Cubotics is a real thing.

Fucking dumb.

No, that's great.

I did like it, and now it's come all the way back to it.

Everybody's like Googling robot company, robot, help, help, robot term, help.

You know what?

If somebody worked at Cubotix, is that their name?

Yes.

And they heard this fact, they got a kick out of it.

You just messaged us and

I don't like cubotics because they've wiped their Wikipedia and they've, I can also tell that they're wiping like Reddit search posts for like,

yeah, the only thing that comes up is like stuff that they have put out.

And so I'm just really done.

Beth, you could have done this one.

Yeah.

Well, you know, we're stuck in a lifeboat.

Good news, though.

Crudy's a robot.

Shit.

Faw, I'm gonna kill myself.

Okay, okay, but Botox ends with an X, and so does Q Bottom.

Yeah, but my daddy was icy ass.

Yeah, no, the best part about puns is when he used to say that nobody knows what it is, like a specific proper noun.

Well, like,

we need to cut out when Freddie said, we need to cut out when Freddie said robot.

We need to cut out from the podcast.

We can't have that.

People can't hear that he came up with such an easy and good.

You were interested in talking.

It's the first time he's ever tried it.

It's beginner's learning.

Beth, you were talking so much about injection.

I thought you were going to talk about like data injection.

Oh, my God.

I can't breathe.

Hi, everyone.

Hi, everyone.

Excuse me.

Your excuse.

I'm Betty Crocker's husband.

Hi, I'm Will Campos.

Betty Crocker.

Betty Crocker's husband.

I don't like the way you've been speaking about her.

You take your wife's name out of your mouth.

Your own wife's name out of your mouth.

Don't you dare her own wife?

Don't talk to her.

She's your own person.

And take my wife's baked goods out of your mouth.

Take my wife's cookie crumble out of your mouth.

I run this podcast.

I'm the boss.

You run it.

But I like to think of myself as your friend as well.

Good to know that that is precedent that I can use in season four.

My creepy fact for today is that, and this is true.

Originally, you know how the Betty Crocker recipes, you got to crack an egg in there.

Oh, yeah, I know this one.

Yeah, so originally, there was no egg.

It was just like, hey, you just dump water in here.

You can make a little fucking cake or or whatever.

And then they found that like, and this is all the 50s Freudian egghead weirdo guys that were asking housewives about this, they found they didn't like it.

They were like, I don't like, I don't trust this thing.

It's just in a box.

And not that it tasted different.

So they were like, and then the marketing guys were like, no, have her crack an egg in there.

Have her use an egg from her own kitchen.

And then she'll feel like she made the cake, even though we made the cake.

And then they went even weirder when some fucking Freud dude was like, yes, it is like she is offering the egg from her own ovum superdos for the family.

That's why the best cake is a depression cake, the one that's just olive oil and stuff that people had in their cabinets during the depression.

Yeah.

Oh, I thought that was like a cake shape.

No.

Oh, that's a good point.

I thought all cakes would eat them by yourself.

Yeah, I've had many a depression cake in my life.

That's usually just when I eat the frosting that's left over out of the little fucking tin.

This is another creepy synergistic fact, but the fucking peachy bill is going to blow up in like one day.

What?

And we are recording this the day before

the first atomic bomb exploded near Alamo, Gordo, New Mexico.

The anniversary of, not the time.

The anniversary of it.

No, we went back in time.

We're time tracking.

The shitty one in the fucking movie?

Yeah.

Oppenheimer.

Oppenheimer.

Okay.

The Oppenheimer one.

Cool.

The worst explosion.

Not the real one.

The real one was a pretty cool explosion.

Yeah.

The one in the movie.

I was recording this on the anniversary of when the movie Oppenheimer detonated their mediocre atomic.

All right.

Let's fucking do it.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Everyone.

You have been talking.

Shut up.

Shut up.

We're going to do a podcast now.

When last we left our heroes, you jumped out of a plane again to save Kelsey's life as she dropped through the fucking air.

And then by hook and by crook, you all managed to survive and splash down in a life raft, a dinghy, if you will.

You watched...

Ebenezer White and Yaroslava Baranova distract all the sky sperms as they flew off in their big old plane and blew up.

You then fucking sailed your boat over to the sinking ruin of Mothman's ship, guided by the prophecy of Ambrister, who told Freddy in a dream to seek the sinking light.

Whereupon you found a spell book, the Book of Ibon, from which you all learned some fun spells.

Only a couple of you went insane.

And so Frances is now terrified of sinning.

And Kelsey,

Kelsey teleported into another version of Kelsey.

We'll get to her in a second.

Timmy learned the spellgate, which he's going to use to be me back to Beachieville in just a second.

Oh, wow.

But first, we're going to jump to the world that Kelsey found herself in, where she was the high priestess of Zuzel in a conquered Peachyville in some sort of ruined post-Zuzel summoning waistcoat.

It's a whole like Zardaz-esque outfit that she's wearing.

She's wearing this Sean Connery outfit from Zardaz.

That would be interesting.

I said it was interesting.

I said I thought it would be interesting.

No, I said, I believe it was in a big robe.

Well, I'll let you design your outfit, man.

I love your big robe.

I said, I'm in a big robe.

What color?

It's too big for me.

It's too big.

What color?

It's a big black robe, and it's got Kelsey written in nice little embroidery on it.

Ooh, an embroidered robe.

Yeah.

And on the back, it says grammar.

Okay.

But the inside, the whole shirt, it just says grammar on it.

But it's all the shirt that says Kelsey.

And then on the back.

It says grammar on the back.

That's a fucking killer.

Bullseye, dude.

That's fantastic.

And that's it.

That's it.

It's very classy.

But that's the fabric.

Wait, this is the best part.

If you say this is bulletproof fabric, I'm slitting your throat.

It's the best part.

And the inside, the inside is just full of fucking weapons.

Okay.

Pockets.

It's got pockets full of weapons.

It's got blades on the left side and guns on the right side because this version of Kelsey fucking learned how to fucking fast draw with their right hand.

Her left hand, fucking throwing knives, right?

And the grammar, each letter of the grammar thing

is like a bat belt, like a utility belt.

Because

your belt buckle is your full first name?

So in order to access your utility belt, you have to reach like to your back and get.

And what's that?

Oh, I thought that G was just a little piece of embroidery.

Nah, it's like a fucking batwing.

You know, like those ninja stars.

You pull up and you throw it.

So she's got how many letters is grammar.

She's got seven ninja stars.

Okay, so yeah, she's got cool robe, but at least the real part is Kelsey and grammar, and I'm sure it's not bulletproof, but I do think it just got a lot of pockets.

It's got a lot of pockets on the inside.

Thanks.

Cool Kevlar.

Regardless, you snapped in reading the book, lost your tenuous grip on reality for a mere moment, and found yourself once again transposed into the body of another Kelsey somewhere out there in the multiverse.

You were walking out onto the dais of a mighty fucking platform and looking down at the screaming throng of people who, you know, are they Zuzel worshippers?

Are they prisoners of Zuzel?

You don't know.

And then you went back and tied to Vampire Time, whereupon you came face to face with your brother, disguised as a guard in this castle.

And he said, about time you showed up, sis.

And now

kept you you waiting.

We began our scene.

John, are you.

Okay, we've only got a couple of minutes.

Okay, but are you like, are you going to be in the middle of me, Kelsey?

No, but like you, John, like, not like the John for this Kelsey or my John.

So actually, as you say that, the face of this guy like flickers for a second, and you see the face of another person underneath.

It's like a flash of confusion for a second, and then it flickers back to John's face.

He's like, it's complicated, okay?

I've only got a couple of minutes in this body before I'm going to get kicked back out.

Okay.

I'm glad I finally found you.

I'm just going to give you a a quick hug.

Yeah, okay, yeah, bring it.

Bring it.

Okay.

And you hear like a little clanking of like his.

How old does he look?

Does he look like...

How old is Kelsey?

She's 50.

So how much older is John than her?

He would have been like eight years older.

Okay, so yeah, he looks not a day over 59.

And yes, he gives you a hug and then he says, it's good to see you, sis.

You look so old.

I'm holding back at you.

Yeah, I know.

We got good jeans.

You look good.

Thank you.

You look old, but good.

Okay.

Me?

Yeah,

you look good too, sis.

It's great to see you.

We only have a couple of minutes, but I'll try to answer whatever questions you have first and foremost.

Oh,

oh my God, so many questions.

I mean, where we are, we're trying to stop the big dick in the sky came, not came, but came down and is coming.

Power that

they've made contact with.

Yeah, they're going to kill Peachyville.

Zuzel's going to kill Peachyville in order to stop it, but we can't let that happen.

We can't let the world down.

We got to find a way to stop it.

Has anybody ever stopped it before?

No.

But I think there's a way.

I think we can stop it.

You and me together.

We can do this.

It's a little complicated.

It's a little too long to get into right now, but come find.

You got my message, right?

The I, Peach, Compass, Lock, and Skull.

Yeah, what happened?

Oh, I know that message so well.

I've memorized it and I think about it every day.

Okay, so why haven't you come get me?

Well, okay, well, just tell me what you meant by it.

I thought it was just like five things.

That's the, I can only get a message to you from that charm bracelet, right?

That was the only link I had.

But now I can talk to you so you can just talk to me.

Okay, all right.

So just first of all, I

got him.

You know how I'm always telling you things about teaching that become your little saying?

John, that's right.

Everything special about Kelsey came from from a man.

John, remember that?

John, I'm going to stop you right there.

You were a good teacher, but since then, I've become a great teacher.

So let's just talk through it and just tell me what you meant to say.

Okay.

What did you mean to say, John?

Kelsey.

Yes, John.

So really intense.

I'm so happy that you've become a great teacher.

But as a great teacher, you should know that you can't just give the answer to the student.

You've got to let them work through it, right?

Sure.

So

I don't have a lot of time, but I do have a little

stop o'clock.

It's just like those puzzles we used to do.

I, is that not a physical I, but like the letter I, like meaning you, like, I?

Okay, great.

You're already, you know, you're

peach.

You know what kids say about peaches now?

What do they say about peaches?

I've been out here in the multiverse for so long.

Some kids drop peaches and they mean butt.

Yeah,

that's how you catch it.

Yeah.

Kids do a lot of butt stuff.

A lot of peach stuff.

They get all peachy mills down.

I thought I saw enough butt stuff in the war.

I didn't realize that it would continue.

So Peach, Peachyville.

Okay, so I.

Well, first of all, it's I and then a compass.

Now, what does a compass mean?

Did you forget about the compass?

No, I thought a compass came after Peach.

Compass comes before Peach.

Okay, compass comes before Peach.

I, compass, Peach.

What could a compass mean?

Hmm, direction?

Ah, the letters in the compass direction spell news.

News.

Muse.

I, news.

Okay, look, it said that I'm in Peachyville.

The bisons have imprisoned me and time is running out.

Skull.

That was the message.

What was the skull?

The skull was skulls are bad.

Oh, Kelsey.

Skull is like dead.

I think this is maybe a blame-based teacher situation.

John?

Kelsey.

You know what?

I got the message now.

Okay, look.

Okay.

I'm trapped in Peachyville.

Yeah.

Oh, that's...

Wait.

You're like, I've been hoping you would look at this message from my.

Again, is this you, you?

This is me.

This is really me.

Okay, look, I'll give you the highlights version.

The highlights for children version.

Yeah, I love those.

Can you put it in a little maze?

Is there a highlights for it?

Don't you warned me.

You warned me about that day that I was going to die.

And then I managed to avoid dying.

Then they put me somewhere else.

And I had a dream of you warning me again and again and again and again.

I managed to live through the entire war thanks to you.

Thanks to all these looped versions of yourself warning me about my impending death.

They called me lucky John Grammer in the war.

But I also gained the attention of a lot of, well, I won't call them bad, but I gained the attention of certain people and certain institutions within the U.S.

military that wanted to study me.

And I signed up to be studied by them.

And they poked me and prodded me and poked me up.

All the course you never came home?

Mom, dad?

You never thought you would tell us that you were a human?

My existence, my very existence became classified.

I couldn't come home, but I had to serve mankind.

This was a new frontier in science.

I thought that anyone, if anyone would understand, it was my curious younger sister who always wanted to know more about the universe.

I was offering myself up to mankind for the greater good, or so I thought anyway.

Oh, shit.

I just think that my very existence was classified as like the ultimate line for like soon to be ex-husbands out there

babe i could not come home last night my very existence is classified okay well i guess i mean i've always been curious but i would never hide from my it's fine it's fine john just you think there's a way to stop this.

I think there's a way.

But I need to find you.

You've got to come find me back in Peachyville.

Okay.

I was a part of this government program and it became something twisted and something dark at peachyville and i've been trying to bring you to me to release me they've got these keys they've got me locked in this room and you've got to let me out okay have you been in there i mean how's your life been overall it's been strange i'm not gonna lie it's been a little lonely out here remember when you did that rat in the maze for the science fair yeah it was like that but the maze was you know you're looking at it and despite all my rage mom and dad are still alive they are

even though will said they weren't one time

But I had it in my character sheet.

So they are.

They're still

alive.

Okay.

How do I get out of here then?

That's going to be a little tricky.

You know, it could happen any minute whenever you and your other version switch places again.

I keep seeing you making these jumps through the multiverse.

I've been trying to chase you.

I've been trying to track you down.

You always slip right out of my fingers.

But it seems like right now we have a couple of moments, but I have to.

And then you start to see his face flickering a little bit more.

John, no!

I'm just gonna.

I can just come back.

He disappears.

You hear a voice say, Who are you talking to back there?

I was talking to myself about how I was going to surprise you for your birthday.

For Zuzel's birthday?

Yeah.

Who told you of my birthday?

I mean, you told me.

Did it you?

She's beginning to believe.

Give me a deception roll.

There's not deception.

I just assumed that they were like together in this timeline.

Also, Matt's playing a woman, so he gets like advantage on remembering people's birthdays.

That's fair.

It It goes both ways.

Not only do women get an advantage on remembering people's birthdays, men get distinct disadvantages.

Okay, yeah.

So, all right, yes, we'll say that Zuzel feeling nervous that he forgot that he told you what his birthday is.

It's like, oh, yes, and I, and I know your birthday as well.

Of course.

So, what did he get the?

Kelsey, come closer.

Where is he?

He's on.

There's like, just like a painting.

There's a painting that's whispering to you.

Yeah.

We have, as you know, dinner tonight.

It's mother.

Ah, yeah.

Mother is.

She hates me, doesn't she?

Mother's a little upset with you.

Remind me why.

Like, specifically, why she's.

I know why.

This is a little bit of why mother is upset with you.

She gave you a task.

I gave you a task.

And it hasn't gone quite to plan.

Progress has been slow, Kelsey, in preparing for the next phase of the war with the powers that be.

Mother is disappointed that the majority of the Earth's population still hasn't converted to Zuzelism.

Oh.

Well, we're trying.

You know, that's...

I know, and I'm on your way.

Once people get to know you more, they're going to love you.

I just, I saved this world from the powers that be.

How hard can it be to convince them to worship me?

Yeah, no, they're just mad at me.

When you said you could be my speaker, Kelsey, I trusted you, and I just don't want to make mother upset.

So, how are we going to deal with this tonight?

Well, so can I tell you a little something?

Can I get it?

Could I just

yes?

It's just

I just want to go out tonight.

If I wanted to just annihilate town, just to relax, just to get calm before seeing mother.

If I just wanted to jump around to a different dimension real quick,

just to like calm down, I think it would really help if I could see one of my other Kelseys interact with your mother to help me, you know, get ready to interact with mother tonight.

Interesting.

A multi-dimensional reconnaissance.

Yeah.

You're the first Kelsey to propose this.

Well, you were the best.

I was the smartest one.

Of all the other ones that you took and then killed, I was the best one.

Well, there is one other Kelsey.

Who?

She vexes me greatly.

A Kelsey in a dimension of Earth.

In a different phase than this one.

A Kelsey who has proven immune to my charms.

I have offered my power to her time and time again, yet she rejects me.

She pushes me away.

She sounds like a real bitch, honey.

Yes, yes, she is.

I think.

But not me, that's because we have got trust.

Yeah, you and I have trust.

That's right.

Yeah.

But the date with mother is tonight.

I know.

I'm just going to be gone for a little bit.

What does that mean?

Look, you do you before dinner, but you better be there for dinner.

Yeah, but you never give me the keys to the interdimensional vehicle that lets me jump back to where my friends are.

Give me a persuade roll.

One of the alt-universe Kelseys has got to be a Deadpool, Kelsey, right?

Sure.

Sure, Frank.

I'm going to take you guys to the bottom.

Is this guys still giving that speech out?

No, we'll get to that in a second.

Ooh, a 38,

So yes, I passed.

Very well.

Why don't you go attend to your official duties?

Yes.

And then after you're done,

I think that guy's running out of time out there.

He's been vamping for a while.

I know.

And after you're done, I can send you on a little joyride to another dimension, any dimension you wish.

Ooh, yes.

I would love to find one where you haven't quite come out yet so I can see how big and strong you look when you come out and take on the world and then your mother will still be there so I can see how proud she is of you and all that stuff.

I think it's just going to get me in the right mood to meet my mother-in-law.

Very well.

And not meet.

I mean, you know, meet her expectations.

Very well, Kelsey.

Off you pop.

And as he says that, the door swings open, and this flustered guard is like, Madam High Priestess, Kramer,

the crowd, they bay for blood.

I can no longer hold them back.

Oh, what blood?

The prisoners are ready.

And he presents this sacrificial dagger.

The kiss of your blade.

Oh, I kissed the blade.

No, that's a it's a term of speech.

Yes.

They're ready for you to what?

To slut their throats, as you always do.

Slut their throats.

What are you, Nancy Reagan?

Excuse you.

You slit their

me and make you think I'm

I.

Sir?

I'm I.

That's it.

I'm too upset to kill you all today.

Tomorrow, you shall be extra dead.

Return to your cells.

Honey?

Yes.

Wait, who's honey?

That's that's you, honey.

Oh, Zuzel.

This is my Zuzel voice.

This is Suzell If you want to go out tonight, you have to do your chores first.

Okay, so you better go kill those prisoners.

And do you can't mind Sir Bibble Pop, the guy who swaps his eyes for you?

That's his whole thing.

And again, Sir Bibble Pop says, yes, else a bug problem with me.

Suzel, I was

honey.

I was really hoping that your mother could see me kill all these prisoners.

Oh, mother is watching.

Mother watches all.

Mother is always watching.

She could watch it tomorrow.

Like she's like, after I see her, like we could do this afterwards.

You're acting

strange.

You fucking killed me, you pussy.

They're not even real.

No, they are real.

I don't know.

I don't know how this works.

I think they're real.

They're the thing.

You faint?

How many people are there?

Do you go outside to see the prisoners?

Yeah, I mean, I see them.

The prisoners are outside.

I put my head out.

How many are there?

There are six prisoners, and they've got little hoods on, so you can't see them yet.

But maybe when you walk outside, they will be dramatically revealed to you who they are and it'll be kind of cool okay okay yeah let me go let me get started let me do this my way come on you had me to do this let me do it my way very well as you step out the crowd roars with a hungry bloodlust and sir bibblepop

looks out at the crowd and says behold kelsey the hue executioner

bibblepop was like warming him up though before yes he was and now he's introducing him get a little bit of his type five

remembering that the eyes eyes and the us are swapped.

No, I don't think

what's the deal was it's me star bubble pup.

I love this guy.

All right, that's all.

You just wanted my dignity.

You just wanted my dignity on a plane for a second.

How many dead prisoners does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How many dead prisoners does it take to screw in a load bulb?

How many?

Oh, he has to swap the U's too, doesn't he?

Because it's used with I's.

I've only been doing that.

I like literally just said problems because I thought the O's were involved.

Like, I can't even comprehend what you're doing right now.

We still have

a live ball.

How many prisoners does it take to screw in on a loot build?

We don't know.

We keep killing them.

We still haven't found as many as we should.

Despite how many we killed.

It's just so dark in there.

It's just so dark in there.

Here to answer that question,

us, Kelsey Grammar.

And then he introduces Kelsey.

There you go, Freddie.

Nice.

Okay, that was great so Kelsey as you step out how many how many we don't know we keep throwing more of them at the problem with the light bulb the light bulb never gets screwed in but we're at a million now whoa that's a lot of dead prisoners as you step out Kelsey I almost said Kulsey as you step out Culcey

it's Grammar reading it right in the back of my rope As you step out, two more guards step up and pull the hoods off of these prisoners one by one.

And revealed to you are the cool mirror universe resistance versions of Francis Farnsworth, Trudy Trout, Blake Lively, Tony Collette, and BB Britannica Blue, who are all, I guess that's five of them, right?

Is that five?

And there's a guy.

And Scrippy's there.

There's a guy.

This is a guy.

And Scrippy's there.

And he's like,

I'm a fire blink.

Kill him first.

And then what's up?

Kill everyone else first.

Hell yeah.

Save me the trouble, bro.

Do you guys want to like paint a picture of your cool resistance alternate of ourselves?

Yeah.

Mindless, like confident and cool, and has an eye patch.

Everyone has eye patches.

We all have eye patches.

Everyone's got an eye patch.

We all got an eye patch.

All got beards.

How did you guys all lose your eyes?

Lungs.

Wouldn't you like to know?

Jerking off.

Jerking off?

I lost mine jorking my peanuts.

That's what made us come together as a group.

We don't play bowling in this universe.

Literally and figuratively.

You guys are like the cooler version of my friends back in the place.

Hell yeah, we are.

Yeah.

Your friend sounds like I've never killed anybody.

So Scribby was bad, right?

Oh, yeah.

Scrippy was perfect.

Yeah, okay.

He wasn't.

He kept him around as a joke.

I thought it was funny.

That's quite the punchline, then, huh?

I throw the knife at his dead body.

Man, this guy rules.

I just run around behind each and every one of you.

Nice.

Oh, I think that's enough for me today.

And then I'm going to cast words of power.

Oh, no.

And say, everybody, I know you want to see more, but I find like when I treat myself with a good little piece of chocolate, if I eat it all at once, I don't have any chocolate for the rest of the week.

Is the light bulb slowing?

Sad of time.

So we get one death today and we'll have another one tomorrow.

Go home and think about how great it's going to be when we kill another one tomorrow.

How many magic points you got?

I mean, this Kelsey or my Kelsey.

I guess you're in this Kelsey's body.

Yeah, which I'm like, I feel pretty fucking pretty.

All right, so we'll say

you've had your refractory period and you're back up to full magic points.

But is your sanity points?

Because it's your mind.

How many sanity points do you have?

I have 35.

Okay, so give me a 1d6 sanity points.

Dude, we're just cranking these sanity points at the end of the game.

It's like at the end of the semester when you got to spend all your money at the fucking dollars, spend your college dining dollars.

Three.

Okay, so you lose three sanity.

You have to speak to them for 10 minutes.

Okay, just for the sake of this podcast, I think we can, you know, just do a little fun sample of the stuff you say to them.

That chocolate thing was pretty good.

I thought, yeah,

that was pretty good.

That was a reason.

But if y'all wish to hear more about how I delight in chocolates in little nibbles at a time, this is how I, Kelsey Grammer, like to spread out my one chocolate bar that Zuso gives me a week.

I find that odd because he promised me the whole world if I were to live with him.

But I get one chocolate bar a week, but it is a big chocolate bar, to be fair.

And I split them up.

Now, the chocolate bars come in little pieces of like...

I just talked about the chocolate bar for 10 minutes.

All right.

After 10 minutes, the crowd roars.

Before you got out there, they were chanting, blood, blood, blood.

And now they're chanting more blood tomorrow.

More blood tomorrow.

And you return inside?

Yeah, I look at the five of them.

Could you guys come back with me?

All right.

It's time to go inside.

Look, you can try to do whatever you want.

Now the guards start taking them away.

I go, don't worry, I'm not going to be back here to kill you guys.

So you probably all will die tomorrow.

What the fuck?

Yeah, so I thought you were cool.

No, I am cool, but I'm going to, me, this Kelsey is going to switch with the other guy.

I listed them in full view of the guards.

What do the guards care?

Yeah, what do the guards care?

Hey.

Wait, you're not from this universe?

You're not supposed to talk.

We can tell Zuzo.

Wait a second.

Are you imposter?

Yeah, if you don't let us go, we'll tell Zuzo that.

We'll kill that guard.

I killed that guard.

You're starting a you-imposter, buddy.

But you're the one who's just out here fucking just saying.

We're just ripping having a good time, Will.

Fine, fine, fine.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Fine.

It's fine.

All right.

All right.

So none of that happens.

They all get dragged away.

You go watch them die.

And what do you do now, Matt?

Do you go inside?

But Will, what if it did happen?

Wait, am I watching that?

I think I go kill something.

What is this?

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I, and I assume a lot of the audience and all of you are ready to be out of the Atlantic Ocean.

So what I'm thinking we should do is just- Oh, we should turn it into life a pie.

Where do you guys think you'd have asked Timmy to beam you to in Peachyville with this?

It's 100% right onto Blake's property.

I would say Dr.

Dogg's veterinary.

Blake's property.

Well, hold on.

His property is burned down.

I established that I had many floors underground, remember?

I just feel like when

his guest houses and stuff are actually bigger than his normal house.

That's true.

Also, what is the frequency of use with this thing?

Can we just be like, hey, let's do a quick

side quest and we're going to find fast travel?

I'll have to look up what the key is.

Should go to where the key is.

The key, the key.

The key is at Dr.

Doggs.

That's why I suggest we go to Dr.

Doggs.

Also, I feel like Matt doesn't get to be a part of this conversation because he body swapped with the other Kelseys.

Where does evil Kelsey think you should go?

Oh, hi.

Hey.

Careful.

She's kidding.

You've got like a different central energy, Jim.

You have a different vibe, Kelsey.

I'm just going to.

Bad boy vibe.

I'm just going to observe.

Where'd you get that eye patch?

Huh?

Where'd you get that eye patch?

You're just going to observe.

But you're normally making decisions and offering your opinion and your grace.

What are you doing now?

I feel like it's your time to shine, and it's my time to bask in that shine.

It's interesting you're not confused about who we are or what the situation is.

You seem to be a little bit more.

Hey, Mom.

Yeah.

Does Kelsey always like dart her eyes from side to side, all shifty-like with a little smirk?

I don't remember Kelsey doing that.

Well, that's incredibly observant of you, Timmy.

He has eyes, though, and she only has one eye, so I'm darting one eye, and that's just because that's the way I've dealt with having less depth perception.

Oh.

His eye moves around quickly.

Like

to observe as much as possible and and take in as well.

From different angles to create theft's perception.

Well, I'm sold.

Well, Mom, I've been casting this spell for a while.

It takes a couple hours to cast.

The last thing I need to do.

Oh, my goodness, Timmy.

Yeah, have you not been paying attention?

I've been doing it.

Oh, I've been doing it.

All the finger touching.

Yes, I've been wanting to, but yes.

So the spell is pretty much ready to go.

All I have to do now is say where we want to go.

Yes.

So if you guys could tell me, because

I'm not feeling that good.

Dr.

Dogg's veterinary clinic.

Oh, yes, because that's where the kids.

Because you're not feeling good, and you need more of the venom.

And we need to get it from the alien, the doll maker, that is in Dr.

Dogg's clinic.

Sure.

Also, the key is there.

The last key to destroy Zuzel.

And

Zuzel.

Let's go to Lord Zuzel's.

Kelsey, that's what an odd thing to say.

I think we can do that after we get the key.

Timmy says to Dr.

Doggs.

And he says that, and this portal opens in front of you.

It's exactly like the Marvel portal.

It's all sparkly and shit.

And it's like, wow, they do.

You know what?

A big painting like the paintings of Mario 64 appears in

the middle.

I try to do it.

That's a little charging of Dr.

That's so much better.

I jump into that shit and watch the ripple.

I try to get as high in the fucking frame as I possibly can.

I try to get exactly in center so the ripples pleasantly hit all the corners at the same time.

But little did you know, man.

Yeah, you definitely have a CD.

Little did you know that there was a clock in that painting and you jumped in while it was going fast.

So now everything is in a fast forward mode.

No, I'm just kidding.

I do the long jump and simultaneously clear 40 stares at once.

Beth, do you have any Super Mario 64 jokes you want to make?

I don't.

Trudy's just going to wait until Timmy goes in.

Okay.

Timmy is, again, he's starting to fade, but he manages to clamber into this portal and then sort of stumbles into the other side.

Okay.

And then Trudy jumps in, but then she says,

woohoo.

All right.

You all find yourselves at Dr.

Doggs.

I'm going to immediately run to where I know that body is and see if I can get the key off the ground.

Yeah, you find the body is on the ground.

The key is not there.

God damn it, I had a feeling.

However, BB Britannica Blue is there, along with a newly conscious Dr.

Dog, who Bibi is tending to with her mediocre first aid skills.

But surprisingly, she hasn't killed her yet.

And she goes, oh, oh my God, it's you guys.

Yeah, what's up?

Hey, do you know where there was a key on the ground next to this corpse?

You mean?

I'm sorry, I don't have it.

I'm just kidding.

I do have it.

You mean this key?

You little scamp.

This child needs to be punished.

I don't know.

I got to turn around on her.

I like that little scam movie.

Deceiving adults.

That's great.

Okay, cool.

So we have this, and now that means we have.

And I turn away from iPatch Kelsey.

We have all three keys to turn off Zuzel.

Yes.

Are you getting weird vibes from iPatch Kelsey?

Kelsey, what happened to your eye?

How did you four escape?

And where am I?

Escape?

Hmm.

Nothing.

Oh, the Atlantic Ocean?

Well,

my son created a big...

She was here for that part.

She was here.

Yeah, she was here, Mom.

And I, and I, oh, and then Jimmy like collapses onto the ground.

Timmy!

Dr.

Dog is like, fuck, it's you guys again.

What is going on?

Who is this kid?

We need more.

Oh, my head.

Jesus.

Help us again.

What do you, what?

My son.

What?

He's unconscious.

He needs more of the...

He needs more Dollmaker venom.

So in this dimension, the lives of children still have value.

I see that.

You are emotional about this.

Wow.

That's really good.

Kelsey, again, an odd thing to say and an odd way to say it.

Dr.

Dog

takes a swig of bourbon and takes a drag off of her cigarette and says, okay, look, who is this?

What is this?

This is my problem.

What's going on?

This is my son, Timmy.

Okay, because of our retainer.

Yes.

Put it on our tabs.

What do you need?

What do you need for him?

What's going on?

Yes.

So when the dollmaker was alive, R.I.P.

Just kidding.

I don't like that it was alive.

And then the dollmaker put Timmy into a coma.

And the only cure to his coma is, well, the dollmaker's own venom, but Mothman did a thing to it.

Can't you do the thing?

I don't know what the thing was.

I'm so sorry.

Does the thing involve that weird fucking piece of alien metal you seem to be carrying around with you, clutching like the most important thing you've ever had in your life?

Oh, yes.

All right, Greg Orr.

Oh, shit, that's right.

He fucking betrayed me.

God damn it.

Get him on the fucking dog gurney in the back, and I'll see what I can do.

Nice.

Okay.

Trudy picks up Timmy and puts him on the dog gurney.

Dr.

Dog wheels Timmy into the back, along with your machine.

You hear a lot of like, I don't know, you hear the unmistakable sound of someone removing a venom bladder from a giant alien.

And then you hear like a squishy sound.

Esther is going to have to hard carry me through this description.

A little squishy sound from it, like getting squirted out.

And then you hear be like,

oh, actually, I can help with that.

Actually,

so you can't hear the sound effects underneath.

So Blake is just singing merrily.

Blake, stop it.

I'm listening for the unmistakable sound of a venom bladder being a single thing.

I'm sorry, Trudy.

What does that sound like again?

Under the noise of Blake singing, as you press your ear to the door, you hear Dr.

Doc being like, How's this fucking been?

And then she presses this button and you hear like a vlog,

so go out pretty easy.

I think we're gonna be okay back here.

This thing seems to be doing something.

I hope it works.

I'll inject it into your son once it's done doing its thing.

Ah, the miracles of modern medicine.

Okay, well, your son is safe, and the best thing we can do for his safety is to keep him here because they have no reason to come back here.

I've got a question.

Yeah.

How long have we been gone?

Yeah, how long have you all been gone?

God damn it.

Because Kelsey, you've been here, of course.

See, that's so weird.

So strange.

Your eye patch is giving you a whole new attitude and outlook on life.

Did I find some sort of not unappealing?

Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.

You three keep talking about what it is that you want to do.

I have a question within a question, just for Kelsey.

Okay.

What is the one thing about education that you and I don't see eye to eye on?

Hmm.

Is that an insult about my eye?

No, no, of course not.

I don't know.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

That's not.

I guess we know that robots can be problematic now.

That's really interesting.

Yes.

What's that thing you always say, Kelsey?

I know what you always say.

All hail Zuzel.

Okay.

Yes.

And Zuzel teaches all, and you learn all from Zuzel.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Do we have a car?

I don't know.

And I also, I wonder if we should be trusting Dr.

Dog.

How much his time has passed?

Is maybe nefarious forces gotten to our dear Dr.

Dog?

Nah, Dr.

Dog is cool as hell.

It seems like Dr.

Dog woke up pretty recently and also was just betrayed by the bisons who knocked around trying to steal a key.

I'm just being crazy.

I'm being hysterical.

No, you're not being hysterical.

I slap you.

You're not being hysterical.

Your slap gets canceled out by BB also going to slap Trudy on the other cheek at the same time.

You just kind of get squished between both cheeks.

Beebe's like, yeah, it's okay.

I got here right as Dr.

Dog was regaining consciousness.

I was looking for you guys.

Things have been really crazy in town lately, okay?

Things have been going on, and it sounds like some crazy shit's been going on outside.

We've had no contact with the outside world since you guys left for Russia two days ago.

What's going on?

What's been happening?

I mean, a lot.

There's a big dick in the Atlantic Ocean or the Pacific Ocean.

Can we see it from here?

Atlantic, yes.

Oh, yes, maybe we can.

That's a question.

Would you be able to see?

Depends on how tall it is.

I mean, but it's like Nebraska.

Is it hard or not?

I don't think we'd be able to see it.

I can't see Mount Everest from the parking lot.

That's true.

I'm getting to Google Earth, and I'm going to Nebraska, and I'm just getting real close to the gloves.

Is there a big dick in the sky?

I'm just getting real close to the glove.

Okay, so I feel like I summarized to BBC.

Okay, so yes, excruciating details.

13 seconds later, BB takes one of Dr.

Dog's cigarettes and lights it up and says, oh my God, it's even worse.

It's even worse than I expected.

We need to get back to bison HQ so we can plug these keys in and stop Zuzel.

And then also at some point find out how to stop the powers that be, which Zuzel is going to stop.

Stop.

And I think that there's something.

Sorry, I'm not like beef.

Like, stop.

Collaborate.

And listen to Zuzel.

This is an unexpected blessing for me because I was...

Now I know what the world is like when Zuzel does not rise.

Children, don't you understand?

I come from a place.

Oh my, you are also lucky.

I come from a place.

I look at my arm for something that looks like sedative.

Something that kills dogs.

Destroyed.

Dr.

Dog, anything that kills a dog will take down a

Kelsey for like five to six hours.

All this panic you are feeling would be gone if you just let Zeus.

Isn't that kind of nice?

Friends is giving me a spot-hidden role.

Oh, God in heaven.

Hey, is maybe just me, but does anyone else think Kelsey is acting a little weird?

I do.

I wish I didn't, but I do.

I failed.

Guys, T-model, T-Model.

One second, Kelsey.

One second.

T-model, Boeing.

Okay, okay.

okay, okay, yes.

Can you go just keep talking, and we're all listening.

We're all listening.

The way we like to listen is to all look at each other while you speak.

Yeah, that's how we do it in this.

You always say that when you're teaching, you like us to get into a circle without you and whisper slightly while you are teaching.

Okay, you discuss as you would like.

I'm just going to go over there and I'm going to start drawing like a summoning circle.

I don't.

I don't.

Like, rings a chicken's neck and starts sprinkling it.

Guys, you know, remember how Kelsey sometimes gets weird after crazy stuff happens?

I think that maybe she's a different Kelsey.

I think she's a little bit different.

Yeah, you're already there, BB.

Catch up.

So what all have we told her?

Just that we're going to stop Zuzel, but she seems to be weirdly okay with that.

Okay, but like, it seems like she can probably, whenever she goes back, she's going to tell Zuzel what's going on.

Do you know what?

Does Zuzel exist in all dimensions simultaneously?

I don't know.

Please, Kelsey, real quick.

Yes.

Does Zuzel exist in all dimensions simultaneously?

Yes.

God damn it.

I believe so.

I think Zuzel is just a little bit.

If somebody asked me that question, I probably would have given an answer that made things easier on us, not harder, but that's fine.

But just because a priest of the gods says a thing doesn't mean that it is true.

That would be up to the dungeon master, whether or not that is the way the rules are.

That is true.

That is true.

It is true.

That is true, says the dungeon master.

Go about your adventure.

Forget?

Let me answer it this way.

The feeling when Zuzel touches me

now feels the same as it does when he touched me in my own dimensions.

I think it's the same thing.

What's the fucking worst he can do?

He can't get out unless the thing opens and we have the thing to make the thing out of.

Remember, Kelsey switches back into her body.

It's a boy, so I'm gonna switch back into this.

One of them, what's gonna go back to where it was?

Yeah, I guess that dimension's fucked, but I don't care about them.

They're not us.

Yeah, but then, you know, okay, just, I feel like there's probably Zuzel's gonna learn whatever we're talking about right now.

So let's all just

say misinformation is the key.

We're gonna go on and now.

Oh, here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

I officially declare it opposite day, but don't tell Kelsey.

Ow.

Yes, I will tell Kelsey.

Okay, let's not go into Project Heartland and use the not use the keys that we don't have.

Okay, they roll spot hidden.

Wait, but is it?

But hold on, hold on.

But Nega Kelsey,

my

bad has to be.

Yeah, every all your standards are rolled hidden.

I said ow, and then if you responded, and now I'm asking you to roll spot hidden.

Are we?

So we are all rolling spot hidden.

Yes, you guys roll spot hidden.

Don't worry, everybody.

I didn't see anything with an 81 roll.

TB got a 62 and also does not see anything.

I got a 48,

and my spot hidden is 60.

Yes, so it's

true to me.

DC, my owl is because I pricked my finger and I'm writing everything you guys are saying in blood on a wall inside of a circle.

So like you, you see as it starts as like, Zusal, father, lover, brother,

everything.

You are everything to me.

Know that this is what these fools are doing.

They are currently planning to

know she's going to lose blood loss eventually.

I write really small, like people that are really good at taking tests, the emotes on tests.

In order to see this, Trudy's eyes like bulge out slightly and like spin to like come.

Oh, they zoom in.

That was sticking out of your head like four inches.

Yes, and then she pulls her eyes back, but she still looks really bug-eyed when she says that.

I think that opposite day will absolutely be enough to handle this problem.

Hey, guys, since it's opposite day, how about we don't beat Kelsey's ass?

I'm still rioting.

I don't know.

Kelsey was sort of the captain of our ass beating team.

I don't know if our ass-beating effect fixes you will be where it was.

I'm actually pretty good with the gun.

Yeah, just shoot her.

Just fucking shoot her.

We know it's not our Kelsey.

Who cares?

Fucking ice this bitch.

She wants to eat.

This bitch is looking hungry.

Okay, I do need to remind you again that at some point, our Kelsey's going to swap back into this Kelsey.

And then you got five seconds.

You got five seconds to stop me somehow.

Here's the point.

Here's the bodies that swap.

They're like Dr.

Dog or Dr.

Dog Swap.

Dr.

Dog or Dr.

Dog?

I guess we can say they're body swaps.

I assumed it was a full swap.

He's been playing this eye patch.

We've been saying eye patch thing, yeah.

You know, because you were in a robe when you beamed into the other universe.

They're naked bodies.

We'll just say that the moment I appeared, I was like, ah, why is my

eye?

I just made a quick eye patch.

Yeah, you made one quickly.

Great.

Dr.

Dog, where is your hose?

It seems like you got to do it.

Dr.

Dog is in the middle of performing surgery.

Dr.

Dog, where the hell?

Where's that?

I just want to spray down the blood thing.

Just spray it.

Just spray it with water.

You just

smear it with your hands.

No, but look it.

I gotta tackle Kelsey.

No, but the message.

The message.

But the message is Daniel Fritch.

She has to press send on the.

Yeah.

It literally starts with like, these fools, what they want to do is they want to, and then you tackle me.

Yeah, I mean, you know, can you be fun about it, Anthony?

So I hop over one leg at a time and I just sort of like awkwardly like sort of lean into Kelsey.

All right.

Who wants to tackle Kelsey?

Just Francis?

Okay, Francis.

I want to spray down her message with a hose.

Okay, I'll help tackle.

I'll help tackle Kelsey.

Watch, Matt.

You can't listen.

I'm being the other Kelsey.

Freddy, don't do that.

I'm fucking writing this game right now.

Freddy, don't do that.

Fred, don't do that.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

Put something else in the blood.

Yes, there you go.

You got it.

We let this Kelsey.

Okay, Will doesn't have to listen to this.

We let this Kelsey write a message.

Joe, we know this is going to Zuzo, but I stopped halfway through the message.

So once the other Kelsey snaps back, or you, you guys can continue to write in the blood, but say something useful.

Like,

this dimension is not doing anything.

Don't even bother poking at this dimension.

I know how to defeat the power game.

Exactly.

I don't tackle Kelsey.

I poke her with a safety pin.

Okay.

No, you still don't.

I don't have her blood on my hands.

Oh,

okay.

I'm just holding the hose.

It's like a last-minute.

Oh, I'll spray Kelsey in the face with the hose.

Nice.

I got poked by a D-Dogging spray.

Okay, here's what we'll do.

Here's what I'm going to do.

Here's what I'm going to do.

Francis, give me a melee brawl roll for tackling Kelsey.

Actually, a pretty good melee brawl.

Super success.

Okay, great.

Do I get a roll, though?

Yes, you get an opposed role.

Does she try to attack him or does she try to like maneuver?

What's she trying to do?

You can dodge him.

I'm trying to just keep writing.

So that would be probably a dodge rather than a fight back.

Yeah, yeah, we'll call that a dodge.

Okay.

If you're trying to keep writing, it's a disadvantaged dodge roll.

Oh, oh, that's gonna be very bad because you're trying to stay in one place.

At 99 with a disadvantage.

Okay, all right.

So, fucking Francis bastes you to the ground.

Trudy, give me an attack roll for pricking her with the pin.

But I got her pinned down.

Can we say that happens after I get her pinned down?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

We'll say that.

No, you fools.

Don't you understand?

Don't you understand?

You're so close.

You're so close to having the most perfect world.

Where's Susan?

You're God.

Yeah, I'm your teacher.

That's the best you could ever have.

The teacher of all children of this world.

This was always Kelsey's move.

I see.

I think she might have a point, though.

Oh, no.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

I'm fucking with you.

Beth, give me a disadvantaged attack role for pricking her with the pin.

If it's a disadvantage, I've already failed.

Oh, no, sorry.

Advantaged.

Sorry.

Yeah, because she's pinned down now.

A 29.

I passed.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

Okay, great.

Kelsey, you get to do another opposed role to this attack.

Disadvantaged because you're pinned down by Frances' maneuver.

70.

So this is going to be still a 70.

So he has a fail.

Great.

Your pin plunges into her thumb or where are you stabbing her?

Yeah, I think the thumb is the right way.

Yeah.

Oh, trudy, right?

Dot, dot, dot.

They know how to defeat the powers that be.

What?

But let's get to that in a second.

Freddy, now give me an attack roll to spray Kelsey in the face.

What vessel of water did you find in this place?

Probably like a hose to clean off stuff.

Like, I feel like...

I've seen these as.

Just an interior hose.

Interior hose.

Interior hose.

Actually, here's what it is.

I saw a video of like a pet grooming guy that was just like you know an industrial ass hose in the corner all right that's what i noticed fucking blast that hose i blast it was it that guy that's always like we got that blueberry shampoo rolling in yes yeah he's always rolling in that shampoo i know it feels like it's in the pocket of big blueberry

29 others

it passes all of them dude even if it was an intelligence check nice it's a good idea too what do i roll do you want to dodge it do you want to fight back what do you want to do is it a normal dodge or a disadvantage because you're pinned?

I got a good roll.

You're going to get wet.

It was a 17.

Now it's a 77.

You all.

Disadvantage is bad.

Okay, 77.

Okay.

All right.

So, yes, you spray Kelsey in the face.

Kelsey, this Kelsey is clearly a lot more crazy than you are.

Well, because

I think.

That's the thing that the most sane person in any given conversation always says.

Give me a sanity roll, and we'll say her sanity score is 15.

Oh, well, then I failed.

I got 20.

Good news.

You failed your sanity roll, so this blast of water snaps you out of it.

Snap back to reality.

As Blake empties this clip of dog water on

Kelsey's face, we pull back over to the dimension that our Kelsey currently finds herself in in the middle of her sexy tete-a-tete with Zuzel.

And he's like, Hang on, babe.

I'm getting a message from one of the other Kelseys.

It says, Dear Lord Zuzel, I like you like a brother and a husband.

Hot.

Wait, it sounds like shit.

She says I, oh, no, Master Zuzel, you need a little help with reading.

I believe it says, I, I,

dear Masel.

As right as you say that, you swap places with the other Kelsey.

You are back in your body

in our reality.

Ah.

That Kelsey is back in her body in the other reality, and you're getting sprayed with water in the face by Blake Lifeweight.

Ah, what?

What?

What?

What's happening?

Ah, help.

Stop.

What's that thing you always what what thing you know what Kelsey always says what I say lots of things

my favorite thing in the world.

What do you mean what do you want to learn about how do you feel about Zuzel?

If you just want me to talk about teaching you could have just asked I'd be happy to tell you are you thinking about being a teacher to me?

All right, it's all right

damn it Okay, well, let's get back Al, what's wrong?

Why am I bleeding?

Look at me.

You were trying to summon something.

It wasn't you.

Your Your other you was trying to talk to Zuzel, which means you can finish the email.

I mean, the letter.

Wait a second.

It was the other you.

Hold on.

Say that again.

Yes.

I was just going to email.

There's another Kelsey in my body.

Yes.

Oh, I didn't think.

So she's that other Kelsey is probably just telling Zuzel what you all said.

Yeah, probably.

What?

I didn't think that hard about that.

But you never know.

Maybe I'll try.

Yeah, you should try.

Why not?

I go ahead and I continue, right?

I say these people, they don't care about Zuzel.

They're not going to try to stop it.

In fact, they already know how to kill the powers that be.

Probably should spend your time.

Wait, Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey.

To me, BB.

What's the meaning?

It's a baby that that Kelsey is an imposter.

Oh.

Do you know what I mean?

That could take like maybe 30 seconds for them to disprove.

I know.

But worth a shot, right?

Yeah.

Worth a shot.

Yeah, that's what I expect Kelsey on the board.

That's a good, like, other Zozel, maybe?

Like another evil god of some sort that you can see.

She works for the powers to be.

Yeah, she works for the powers of the beat.

As you guys are all debating this, you see a little, you're like when like you can react to a text with a little question mark.

Like you see a little question mark here on the other side from Suzo being like, what's going on?

I'm just going to be like, she's not the real Kelsey.

So I'm going to write it.

Okay.

And leave it at that.

All right.

Sick.

Oh, and she's not the real Kelsey.

And whatever you don't.

And I just scribbles.

Like, whatever happened here.

Ooh, I like that.

Like an audio log from a good video game.

Like, it minds of Moria when the dwarves are like, you know, they say, when that dwarf dies while he's writing something.

Yeah.

It's like you should pick the best song.

Is there a video game where every audio log is like, wait, what was that sound?

I'll be right back.

What was that?

It's probably dead spot.

It was nothing.

My God.

You guys got us out from the ocean.

Great job.

How did that happen?

It was Timmy.

Timmy has his magic spell, but he's tired now.

Timmy is done.

We've got the one use out of him for the rest of the game.

Shut your mouth, Blake.

Or what, Kelsey?

No, what?

what that's not a name also that's not Kelsey that's true first of all sorry I was too much aggro about focusing on it we need to get to project heartland and use these keys give me a persuade roll to see if fucking Zuzo bought these shenanigans 44

oh no my persuade is actually pretty good 55 so it passed I mean honestly we won't know

There's a pregnant pause and then you see three little blood dots

like he's typing something bad.

Oh no.

And then they disappear.

Yeah.

And then they come back up.

And then they come back again.

He's like, oh, he's got a long one coming.

He's really thinking what he needs to say stay carefully.

And then you just see this long text.

It's like, first of all, I really don't appreciate being lied to.

I just killed this Kelsey and she was running the fucking world over here.

And then in her last breath, I could see in her dying, the dying light of her eyes that she was actually on my side.

And, you know, I've always been pretty honest with you, Kelsey.

I know that we don't really get along right now and that you're not on my side, but frankly, you're not hitting my floor.

I'm not even going to.

And it just keeps going, like it runs.

And he's so mad.

And it like escapes the ring.

Like it's no, you can't see it anymore.

You'd have to like scroll up on the ring to keep breathing.

Zuzel needs therapy.

That's what I think.

Well, yeah, let's make sure that he gets it in wherever the fuck he is right now by putting the keys in and stopping him from talking to our world.

Okay.

And then we'll find out how to conquer the powers that be.

Yeah.

Because we're not going to sacrifice PG Villa.

For everybody.

That was our plan.

That's right.

That's what we read on.

Was the other Kelsey?

She just died.

How was the other Kelsey?

The other Kelsey.

She was cool.

She was cool.

Yeah, she was sick as fuck.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry she died to him.

It wasn't the same, Kelsey.

It wasn't the same.

Maybe, maybe a really selfish question, but just curious.

How long did it take you to realize it wasn't?

It was pretty much immediately.

Oh, that's nice.

It took me longer than I'd rather it took.

Okay, Trudy.

B, do you have a car?

Is there a car?

Some way we can get it to where we need to go?

A car.

I mean, we could probably find a car, but like, guys, like the whole town is on lockdown right now.

There's bisons fucking patrolling all over the place.

No one's getting in or out.

Shit has been crazy the last couple of days.

Kelsey, what was it like over there?

Who did you see?

Did you speak to anyone?

In the other dimension?

Yeah.

Oh, oh, my gosh.

Okay, well,

I did.

Let me go in order of the least exciting and fun.

I don't think you should.

I think you should do whatever is most important.

Well, just, okay, well, okay.

Yeah, I guess you don't need to know what happened to you guys.

Yeah, this is definitely hard to say.

Yeah, okay.

So the most exciting is my brother John is alive.

It's a little confusing.

Strange name for a man.

John John.

John is alive.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I think John is a perfectly normal.

This is John.

John, my brother John.

I don't call me Men Sobbin as a journey.

Yes.

Yes.

My brother John is currently alive, which is crazy because I don't remember.

I mean, he was only 17.

I mean, he's barely even my brother at this point.

It's like he's like 30 years.

Oh, don't say that.

I mean, he is my brother.

I'm glad for you also.

Thank you.

He's alive.

He said he knows how to stop the powers that be.

So that's pretty useful.

Okay, let's go find him.

Yeah, and he's being hidden in Project Heartland, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Easy piece of that.

That's where we got to go anyway.

I don't think he said anything more detailed than that.

And there is a lot.

Project Heartland's pretty big.

I guess we got to get in there, find a map or something but he's in there did he say more

specific

loves us he did tell you he told you that he was behind a locked door and that there were three keys to that door oh okay so he was behind yeah he's behind the locked door and there's three keys

so very likely the three keys are the but we got the three keys yeah he's the weapon oh wait no he would be the thing that stops Zuzel

stop Zuzel from coming in he like busts open the door

because he said he also knows how to stop the powers that no that means that in order to to not summon zuzel he has to die right well we don't know that but all we know is i like that though well why do you want my brother to die no i'm just saying that's dramatic

that's a cool moral choice um

it's not much of a choice he's he john would do it john sacrificed his life just because he had to to help his country or he thought was gonna help his country but it didn't help anybody huh you just got him back i i know

but i'm just doing he's he's a grown person he told me he wants you know what i'm doing what he asked which you'll hear from him in person yes Let's go.

Wait, I need to check on Timmy, though.

Dr.

Dog.

He's fine.

Did you know what he's asking?

She said it was fine for like a couple hours.

He'd be fine.

Are we sure this is the right Kelsey bag?

The door to the

dog.

The dog chamber.

The door to the dog murdering room.

I mean, it's what it is.

It's in the vet.

That's where they murder the dogs.

Oh, my God.

Which is even crazier because, again, she's a vet for cats.

Oh, that's right.

Fuck.

Well, that's why she murders the dogs.

What are you doing in here?

The doors swing open, and Dr.

Dogg emerges from the dog murder room with your son.

And he's sort of like holding on to her, a little weak and weary, but he is back up.

And he's like, I'm okay, mom.

Are you sure?

Yeah, it's, I already feel a little bit better.

And I just, hey,

I don't know what's it a lot, but, but, but thank you.

Thank you for coming to give me.

Oh, I wouldn't have done it any other way.

I will always be there for you, sweetheart.

I love you so much.

Okay, so you're never going to go again.

You're just going to be, you're going to sit here with me while I recover?

If that's what it takes, if the podcast suffers

i'm i'm making eye contact with uh timmy and doing the like kill it gesture the like cut off of my third like we need her kind of gesture well what's what's your problem man we need your mom oh oh yeah to do this is my idea not hers i'm making her do it maybe timmy should come with us you know what yeah francis give me a persuade roll psychology roll uh give me a persuade roll yeah psychology roll i got a persuade roll i failed okay timmy narrows his eyes at you but like now that he knows that that's what you were trying to do, he has like, he's gained a little bit of respect for you.

He respects that you were trying to take the heat off his mom.

He says, look, mom, I get it.

You got to go save the world.

I mean, that's like pretty important stuff, I guess, you know?

So just, you know, good luck.

And hey, he takes out his switchblade and he hands it to you and says, anyone fucking gives you any trouble, you slice them, okay?

You know, I will.

You know, I will, Timmy, but what if, I mean,

you could come with us.

You've proven you're more than capable.

So I was going to to say this to Timmy, but maybe I could say it to you again, no judgment about you being homeschooled.

I'm just saying, Timmy,

yes.

Timmy, it is healthy as a child to occasionally, and Trudy.

Yes.

I know that you guys are bonding now.

Yes.

But 24 hours.

Matt did the cutest little hand.

24 hours together.

It is healthy to have space as well.

That's one reason some people recommend children go to school.

So they can spend, you know, 10 hours away from their parents and socialize and learn things and come just because you love each other you don't want to become codependent yeah so you guys have bonded now separate a little bit okay and then come back together once we save the world well because he might die if we go it's a very what i meant to say is i will always come back for you so thank you for the switchblade you'll always try to come back don't promise things you can't well because you know it is you should lie to him right now i would definitely lie for you guys i'm right here i can hear everything you're saying it's okay.

We're going to try our best to be back because your mom is doing a really good thing.

I'm just a 12-year-old kid.

I'm not, you know, this is a whole lot of people.

There's nothing just about being a 12-year-old kid.

You gotta look at it.

You want me to stay or not?

What are you gonna say?

Oh, stay.

Stay.

But don't be sad about it.

I get it.

I'm just a 12-year-old kid.

This is way beyond my pay grade.

Little kids should not be getting involved in crazy adventures like this.

So I'm going to go.

And Bibi's like, yeah, man.

See you later.

Okay.

We're all going to head out.

Peace.

Cool, little girl.

I just, I mean, what, Trudy?

Nothing.

Say it.

Why does BB get to come?

Oh, okay.

I agree.

I don't think I'm coming.

I thought BB wasn't coming.

That's what I...

No, what do you mean I'm not coming?

Oh, I misunderstood.

I thought you said you were leaving with Timmy.

I've been running around fucking gift with your local restaurant doctor.

I got you the key.

I'm coming.

She kicks you in.

Wait, wait, wait.

You got the key in as much as you picked it up off the ground where I left it after I killed that guy.

What's next?

Milton's here?

No, no, absolutely not.

Hey, in fact, Kelsey.

Yes.

So when you say Milton, who else is Milton here?

Bibi goes, no, wait, have you seen him?

And she said, I haven't been able to get a hold of him.

I haven't heard him.

I haven't heard from him at all.

I'm really scared and worried about him.

What was the last thing?

And then, Kelsey,

you remember that when you were in the GooTubes, you had a dream where Milton was in a closet and you were there and he gave you a book that said everybody was going to die in two days.

Does any of this remember that?

Yes, I remember that.

Yeah, yeah.

And then yeah, the last time you heard from Milton, someone was breaking down the door of his house and Roz was firing a gun at off-screen assailants.

And that was a real, thing, that was happening.

That was a real thing that was happening.

Oh my God.

Something just occurred to me.

And I hate to detour our plan a little bit, but I do believe there are currently people attacking Roz and Milton.

Who gives a shit?

Everyone's going to die if we don't go right now.

I love you.

You guys love people.

That's cool.

You have people in your life that you care about.

I'm so excited for you because I don't have that.

But let's fucking go.

I'm with the

feels.

Can I just make a quick phone call?

Do you think?

Fine.

Well, you make a phone call.

Well, I find a car.

Fine.

You can.

You will be on the car.

No, Francis.

Francis, the car.

One day we can do the phone call while being in the car.

One day.

One day.

Francis, you're lucky.

Francis, you?

She's just like, wait, say that again.

You just move forward on your plan and I'll catch up.

Bibi stands for Bill Gates.

And hey, Francis.

Francis.

And BB looks at you and she's like, that's my partner you're talking about.

That's my fucking partner in Crime Milton.

You're talking about the coolest and most respectable and respected kid I know.

So you watch him.

He's not here, but I'm here.

Come on, you don't have to come.

He's not here.

I'm not going to tell him you said that.

Well, I don't care.

I'm just letting you know that I

don't care.

I grab her by the shoulders.

I scream into her face.

She spits gum in your mouth.

Oh, God.

I have a job for you, too.

You can go check on Roz and Milton.

That seems like.

A dangerous but off-screen thing that could happen.

And that way we can continue continue moving forward because you're right.

I don't know what's going on with Roz, but we need to save Milton.

But you, you two are brave.

Go to the house and check on them.

With guns.

With guns?

I mean, I would.

I would, from what I saw.

BB nods.

You're like, all right, Kelsey.

All right, that makes sense.

And she looks at Timmy.

She's like, hey, you, can you handle yourself for what?

And then Timmy's like, I handle myself better.

And you give me a break.

You're like nine years old.

It's like, I'm 12.

Well, I'm 12.

And I'm not a bad person.

And that's how you create a spin-off of people.

Mom, this is a backdoor pilot for BB.

And then so BB's like, well, you better keep up.

I don't have space in my crew for slackers or lollygaggers.

He's like, well, I don't have shit.

I'm in my elbow for bossy little nerds.

Mom, give me my switchblade back.

Well, you gave it to me.

I was going to save the world with it.

I'm not going to teach you how to make it.

Mom, I'm going to switch it.

I need it to look cool.

Here's sweetie.

Here's your switchblade.

Don't take it.

Just put it, leave it, just forget it.

Just forget it, and then I'll be like my stupid mom forgot it.

I'm gonna drop this switchblade to the floor and kick it over like it were in jail or something.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, yeah, like a tough guy in the movie.

All right, go for it.

Yes.

And we

just

have a switchblade.

And he flicks it open and picks his teeth with it.

And he's like, all right, toots, let's go.

And then he walks off.

Timmy, don't call a woman Toots.

Sorry, mom.

They leave and then BB on the way out is like, who the fuck is this guy?

Can you give me a break?

And then they're gone now.

So the rest of you can go do whatever you want, they're begin getting such energy off of you, too.

And Roz does is married to Niles, and he's a very strong man.

So they should be okay.

I'm a little worried.

Francis, I'm a little worried, but it does feel like we're on a time-sensitive schedule.

I agree.

And sorry, not to hold us up any longer, but Francis, you've got one usable leg.

We need to get you maybe a dog leg or

dog.

I already have a crutch.

Look.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Oh, yeah.

Brunhilda fucking appears and pops back onto your leg and is like, did you miss me?

No, I don't actually.

I mean, I don't really have control.

She'll just pop back on there again.

Oh, oh, I see that.

Or maybe there is some friction between you and

Jesus.

Shut up.

She killed her paramour.

Oh, maybe I shall then turn into the spears, this thing that killed the bug.

Maybe she's your data to you.

She doesn't really blame me that much.

She turns into a big spear, and it's still got Mothers.

It got fruity.

Trudy's going to try to kick it in half, the spear, just break it over her knee.

Go ahead.

Give me an attack roll.

All right.

Roll.

Holy shit.

I got a one.

You got a one?

Yeah.

You got a one?

I got a one.

You got the best roll?

Yeah.

Best roll possible.

You broke the curse.

The end.

The game goes until Beth rolls a one.

I literally got a one.

What's it like being snapshots?

I mean, you know, Bernhilda did kill Bothman.

I feel like that did its thing.

Eye for an eye.

How everything should be run.

Will's walking over.

Now he's walking back.

He's doing big frog steps.

He's slapping.

He's doing big frog steps.

What happens if you broke Brunhilda?

And Bernhilda was going to be the thing that stopped the powers that be.

Okay, Matt, I don't want to think about that.

What happens if that's what happened?

What happens if you lost us the game?

I didn't mean to do that.

You lost us the game at the last minute.

On the 12-yard line?

You lost us the game?

You hear a

thunderous crack, like the world splitting into.

The windows explode.

Dr.

Dog in the background is like, are you fucking giving me my windows now?

Reality seems to ripple for a second at the sound of this snap.

And the spear breaks in two and falls to the ground.

And it's just like old, like it looked brand new when you kicked it.

And now it looks like it's 800 years old.

It's old and withered and seems to be almost crumbling to the touch.

You see like a sort of ethereal wispiness rise and you hear just the sound of joy, the sound of laughter as this spirit within just cackles with glee, as if released from something.

Oh no, why are you laughing, Nazi bitch?

Please flip that.

And then you hear Alvina say.

Cool.

One thing to worry about.

Whatever.

Today, you broke the curse.

That's amazing.

You broke up with her for me.

Now she's going to be somewhere.

She was somewhere.

She was somewhere.

Now she's hopefully going to be down there.

You know?

I can't believe you fucking kicked her in half.

All right.

Dr.

Dog's car is outside.

Would you like to steal Dr.

Dog's car?

Yes.

Yes.

She's in the keys.

It's got to be somewhere.

She's probably like, also, Dr.

Dog, I'm tired of your shit right now.

I got to say, like, the whole world's dead together.

Now you're going to complain about windows.

I'm helping my son.

Yeah, no, of course she should.

That's the least she should do.

We all are supposed to be helping.

We're just trying to save the whole town, Dr.

Dog.

And you kill dogs and you take care of cats.

What's your deal?

What?

I don't like you.

I have the keys.

I found the key.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Are you asking me?

We're taking your car.

Do no harm.

Yeah.

I don't know.

That's a really good question.

Hippocratic of.

Do no harm?

Yeah.

I don't, I don't think.

It's not what they do that.

They do it, but they do it in an Uwu voice.

Into this car.

Dr.

Dogg is just take it and go.

Yeah, we are.

We already took it.

Why are you doing that key tossing motion?

He already has your keys.

We'll do the key tossing motion, but Francis already canonically has the keys.

Who wants this message driving?

I don't remember.

All right.

You guys get the car, but there's fucking like almost no gas in it.

Oh, man.

I guess we'll go get gas.

Let's go to the gas station.

I don't want to go to the gas.

Nope, we did it.

Here we are.

Let's go to the gas station.

You guys are going to go.

Hold on.

Slow down.

It's all full service to

be a fucking podcast here.

You get into the fucking car, but it's uncomfortable and it smells like wet dog.

You're trying to convince us to get out of the car.

No, I'm just.

I'm just

saying that, you know, it's just not a nice car.

You guys are going to Project Heartland?

Yes.

So that was, if you remember, in the old creepy bunker on the edge of town.

Well, there's other exits.

That's what I was wondering.

Because remember back

there's like maps and we knew.

There's the hill at the top, right?

Of the mountain.

And then we know also Trudy's house has an entrance.

Yes, Trudy's house does have an entrance.

As Bibi told you, the town is locked down.

There are patrolling guys.

The bisons are everywhere.

Do you guys just want to drive straight there?

Are you guys going to try to be sneaky?

Do you have any idea?

Is there a Zany stratagem you would like to employ?

That's all drugs.

I have an idea.

So the bison, they worship Zuzil, correct?

Yes.

Okay.

Just for the painting of the picture, I feel like we're filling up the car with gas.

Yeah.

And we're all smoking like right next to each other.

Just sitting on the bottom.

You're siphoning gas from the fucking battery truck.

What if we all pretended to be the dark versions of ourselves like Kelsey was?

Oh, she was dark?

Like scary?

Like, morally, yeah.

Morally, yes.

I thought she was cool.

Oh, okay.

Well,

you can be both at the same time.

It's true.

I love the idea.

Not to shut it down, but to the bite, like, what?

Because

outside of me, I don't think anybody thinks there are other versions of us.

Oh, I can see that somebody just wants to be the special girl.

I just think if we walked in, if you all walked in, just being different versions of yourself.

Explain, we're evil.

We're not what we are.

What street is the gas station on?

You guys are on, I want to say, like J Street.

I can't remember.

What street was Trudy's home on?

Webster, remember, the higher numbers

were richer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I I feel like it was like.

It was up to L.

You guys are on like H-I-J-K-L.

You guys are on H Street.

It's Trudy's house.

Oh, am I right?

Okay.

Oh,

just follow me and do what I do.

We didn't need a car.

We could walk there.

And I'm super sneaky because I avoid bullies all the time.

Yes, we could walk in through my basement.

Yeah.

Do, do, do, do, do.

That's how you do it.

I'm creeping around like on my tiptoes.

Like I said, you guys have to stealth your way through town.

Yes, I would like to lead everyone in stealth.

This is really hard to remember, but I do feel like there was something that blocked the door into the basement.

The house blew up, to be fair.

Okay.

It was the last time you guys saw it.

It was a big gaping hole because the original Trudy blew herself up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But the basement and stuff would still be down there.

Just in wreckage or something.

Yeah.

Just really quick, how much time do we have?

You guys probably have like 24 hours, we'll say, until presumably something bad's going to happen.

Presumably that's the book.

The least characters would know.

Yeah, because the book said everybody dies.

Yes, yeah.

Because you got this book that said two people will die too dies.

Okay, okay.

And then the other question was when the bisons are patrolling,

again, this is incorrect.

In my head, I'm like, they got like fucking tanks driving driving around.

It's not that.

Like, are they in cars?

Are they like walking around with guns?

Like, I'm trying to think of what you guys would know.

Like, in terms of like when you peek your head outside, yes, you see the occasional pickup truck with a guy driving and four guys in hoods, like in the back, like in their fucking bison masks, like drive around with like, you know, dark pumps and shotguns.

I bet they can't see very well out of those bison masks.

It is nighttime.

And it's not tanks.

It's like, yes, it's foot patrols and it's guys on masks, but there could be some other surprises.

I don't know.

Okay, sorry.

I didn't mean to show, but true to your idea of pretending to be somebody.

No, you're right.

It's No, dude.

No, no, but in the car, maybe we can just at least put hoods on.

A, where do we get hoods?

B, are we doing the sneaking thing or no?

All right, we're gonna go sneak.

I'm gonna go sneak.

You know what?

Let's, Francis, taking control.

Let's go ahead and we'll sneak.

You're very good at sneaking.

Just know that you're carrying a few people that aren't as great at it.

That's okay.

I think, according to how the rolling group rolls work, I think.

No, I don't think you can do a group stealth role.

That's all.

You guys are all trying to open a door.

That's a group role.

If each of you are opening four doors and one guy is really good at it.

Here we go.

We're going to sneak.

I'm just Francis.

I'm just gonna help us out in case we're a little loud and I'm going to put something on the accelerator of Dr.

Dogg's car and just like send it down the street to make a distraction.

Like hopefully it's gonna start crashing and making noises and stuff.

Nice.

And that way we can just go.

We're gonna wreck Dr.

Dog's car.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

A, there's not really group roles, but B, the house rule is you just roll with the person with the worst stats.

You're gonna be the worst if you were gonna do anything.

You're only as strong as your weakest link.

Yep, you're right.

And I can't believe we didn't say that during season

Eagles, but they were strong this year because they won the Super Bowl.

Thank you, Beth.

Whatever direction we should be sneaking in, we can send Dr.

Dogg's car in the opposite direction.

And I reach into my naughty pocket and I grab some firecrackers

confiscated from kids to make some extra noise in the car.

Damn, dude.

So the plan is to sneak.

Yes.

You guys are going to stealth your way to H Street.

H Street.

Trudy's house.

Trudy's house.

And then you are also going to be sending this car in the other direction with firecrackers.

And you guys like turning on the radio or something like that.

Yeah, I'll turn on the radio full blast.

I'm going to put the brick on the accelerator and put firecrackers in it and just send it off.

Or blast in Frankie Valley.

Yeah.

We will do the group stealth roll with the weakest.

Who has the weakest stealth roll?

I have 20.

You have 20.

Okay.

But do we get anything because of this cool thing?

So we will say that if this other thing succeeds, you will get advantage on your stealth roll.

Yay.

The Peachyville grid runs pretty straight.

So we will give you a drive auto roll.

Whoever's setting this up, are you setting this up?

I'm setting it up.

That will essentially determine whether the car goes straight through town.

Cool.

Like, there's a possibility that the steering and alignment's so good that it just leaves town.

Because I'll say this.

Or

even if it eventually slowly drifts and hits the curb, then it would start running along the side of the curve.

All right.

So give me the drive auto roll.

I just have never seen that in a movie.

Imagine like they set up the car and it goes, just goes straight.

It doesn't hit anything.

19.

And I might drive auto.

That's why, because you guys always forget my drive auto is fucking 75.

She was 75 drive auto?

You should have been driving cars a day.

I have to say this.

This happens.

This has happened twice before this show where we do a drive auto thing that I reveal I have 75.

You go, you have 75?

All right.

Which means that that is a super success.

Okay.

So in that case, yes, describe what you do to set this thing up.

Yeah.

So as you guys are getting ready to sneak and do Francis points in the direction that he's going, I line up the car kind of along the side of the curb so it'll go as straight as possible.

And then I rip off a little piece of my sleeve and I tie the steering wheel to another part of the car so the the steering wheel is fucking locked in place.

And I fucking get a brick and I put it on the accelerator.

I get ready to put it on the accelerator.

My foot's on the brake and then I'm rigging up all the fucking firecrackers and I tie them all together.

Hey, that's a brick from my house.

And I say, shut up.

Shut up.

I gotta use it.

This is, hey, this is a curve for you.

Keep down.

Be quiet.

Be quiet.

Actually, no, take that back.

Make noise, but in that direction.

Tell all the neighbors.

Make as much noise as possible.

That guy took my brick.

Radio.

I turn on the radio.

I say, Trudy, what station?

Brick.

Brick.

K-B-R-K.

B-R-R-K comes on.

Fucking Rockin' Robins playing.

No, that's a period accurate song that I think is in the public domain.

So you let the brick loose and the current car.

No, no, no, no.

First, I light the fucking firecrackers with my cigarette, and then I take one deep puff.

Yeah, yeah.

And then

I step out.

And then just as a quick note for any fan artist, every fan artist, the fact that all of us aren't smoking the whole time, that's not accurate.

Everybody should be smoking in all the fan art.

As I said, I take a deep drag, and then I also just flick the cigarette into the car as it drives off because I don't want to have the light of the cigarette giving away our position.

So, another

sniping option.

And I assume that the three of you are in like a fucking like SWAT stack, like with Francis up in front, and I just fucking go to the back, probably with like, and I tap, I don't even make a noise, I just tap twice on your back to let you know, I'm ready to go.

I'm ready to fucking walk forward.

Let's do this.

And as you do that, the wheels burn rubber, the car peels out in a beautiful stroke down the place.

Rock and Robin is now blasting through the neighborhood.

And then we'll just like a quick, like sort of like montage as this car sails through town, fireworks shooting out.

You'll see the night gaunts, those greasers you squared off with in the first episode, they're in their hot rod, like tuning it up, like revving the engine.

And then they see this thing zoom past.

I'm like, whoa!

And then, you know, the people are peering through like their shuttered windows as they hunker down in fear.

And it's almost like this car is like inspiring Peachyville to fight back a little bit.

There's the classic Hyrule Patrol officer hiding behind the thing.

He's just drinking his coffee.

He's like,

we get one of those.

He's looking at a big Playboy magazine.

He's a jerk cop with a radar out and it goes too fast.

So all that's going on, the bisons who are on patrol, they dive out of its way and then they grab their hoods and stick them back on and they hop in the truck and start peeling out.

And the last thing we see is we cut back, you've docked your dog, watching that fucking dog sail out the window.

And then she just like clicks a page and flips over a little thing of this book that says enemies list.

And she writes down all of your names.

And we'll get back to that later.

And then she closes the book and

pulls a fucking revolver out from our.

It's gonna be like Carlina's way right as we're about to win.

She's like, yay!

To be fair, she's had a remarkable amount of patience.

Both of those patients were animals.

Wow.

I wish I could go back in time and give your season one character advantage.

So that's going on.

And in the words of the youths today, y'all are clear on OPSEC.

Nice.

So give me, Matt,

an advantaged stealth rule.

So one 14.

14.

I got 44, and then advantage was the 10.

So

yeah, that's a 10.

That means you did it.

You did it.

10 on a D10 is 0, right?

Yes.

So it's 0, 4.

So I got 4.

Oh my critical success.

Yes, I got 4.

Yes, if it was two 10s, it's 100, which is super bad.

But if you're using one of the 10s, it's just a ones place.

It's just a 10's place.

I got a four, which is even more.

Wait, how would you roll like a 14 then?

I got 44.

No, no, I thought it was a 14.

I got a 44.

And then I re-rolled a 10.

I got a 10.

Okay.

And then I think, even with my fucking shitty, I think that's a super duper success, right?

Because my stealth is 20 for.

Nope, not super duper success.

Okay.

Super success.

Super super success.

A great roll, regardless.

Yes.

You slip through the night through town as you skulk through.

Again, like you're getting an interesting little tableau of town.

And you see all sorts of fucking crazy shit out here.

Again, there's guys in masks patrolling.

You see, like, a couple of them have these, like, weird.

They've clearly let some nasty beasts out.

Like, they had some yucky guys.

Some real yucky guys.

Some like old fucked up monsters are patrolling and sniffing around.

You see a hound of tinaldos google it does it drive us mad no it doesn't drive you guys you are pretty you guys are he can't be that fucking intimidating if he's working for the cops like

also if the first word of it is a hound it can't be that weird because like

um as you're skulking by you see brian strikes mitchell on a little throne being carried by he's got skeletons dude he's got like a whole bunch of skeletons fucking carrying him around

but not today and then i'm like i'm about to like jump out He's flipping through his fleshy book, The Epidermicon, and just sort of chuckling to himself.

You see a paddy wagon and you see Shane Jr.

being dragged, kicking and screaming into this paddy wagon and thrown in the game.

And he's like, you'll get blood, but not today.

I already got blood.

As they open the doors to the back of the paddy wagon, everybody give me a spot hidden roll.

Walked into the wrong room for one-fifth of us.

I failed miserably.

Really?

72.

I failed miserably.

It's up to you, Blake.

10 great thanks 10 all right super success blake i'm gonna dm you see and you tell me if you want to tell the rest of the group friday like i'm gonna be really upset if you don't want to tell us it's no fun if you don't tell us it's no fun

kelsey yeah i believe milton is getting the his miranda rights read to him he's getting locked up over there oh when the door swings open and shane jr is thrown in among the many people packed into the back of this patty wagon you see a very scared-looking Milton who does have no idea what's going on.

And then the door swings shut.

Who's driving the paddy wagon?

Guy in a fucking hood, dude.

How many people are at the paddy wagon?

Give me the picture of this paddy wagon.

There are two dudes driving it.

And there's probably like six, seven guys in the back.

And then, oh, you know, six, seven bad guys in the back?

No, six, seven

people in the back.

And then...

We'll say that there's four more because they got their like Goon Holland squad, right?

So then there's four more guys.

Nice.

There's four more goons

tonight.

We goon in Goon Halla!

Let's head on down into Goon Hall or see if we can't find something near the crib.

There's four more.

On Goon Halla, we all have Apple Vision Pros.

Siri set timer, one minute.

Freddy, got one minute to do more goon jokes if you'd like to.

I hear if you die while gooning, you resurrect in Goonhalla.

Alongside all of your other fellow gooners.

And somebody jerks you off and you don't go to Goon Halla because you did not achieve the honor and victory with what you deserved.

You sit at the top of the table with the little titty mouse pads.

You know the ones?

The anime titty mouse pads?

In Goonhalla, we all have those.

Anyway, okay, I'm good.

Freddy, you know what?

There's no one in Gunhalla.

You know why?

Because nobody can come.

Nice.

There's two guys in the front, and then there's four dudes, two on either side on that little fucking cool running board thing along the side.

Oh, so there's like the old-timey cars have.

So there's like six guys overall.

Yeah, there's like, you know how cars used to have a stepladder on the side?

And they got guns, and they got guns.

They've got, we'll say, clubs, you know, but you can't see what the guys in the front are.

It's like ET.

We gotta

gesture, like,

should we do your bamboo?

What?

Should we Milton?

How many people are in it?

Seven or eight people.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, that's a lot of people.

You want to go save them?

Yeah.

It's like a little army.

Oh, right.

Dude, I thought you didn't want to because you're yelling at me before it's going to be.

Yeah, because we were just sitting around goo.

We could have been fucking kicking ass.

I look at black.

That's two people.

Yeah.

That's only one more person than we usually beat ass with.

Okay.

All right.

What we do is we lure them out one by one into the darkness.

I will say, just to be a friendly DM, y'all got spells.

Yeah.

So remember what spells you got.

Well, I'm pretty sure none of these cops love me, so I can't switch bodies with them.

I have words of power, though.

I can convince them of something.

I think that's a good move.

I can change physical form into anything.

Dude, change into a fucking guy.

Be their boss.

I can only take on the form of what they know, though.

And then, yes, you have mental suggestion.

And another one, but I'm not using that one right now.

That's right.

And you have your secret spell.

And do we have any weapons we said last episode that trudy has her gun even though she's shunned in so we'll say that trudy has her gun but i don't remember you guys taking anything from dr dog so no you guys are otherwise rolling out and you don't have brunhilda anymore tragic it's true what are we doing just going swat on this all cast mental suggestion are you gonna distract them or are we gonna kill them what's the plan or beat them up i would like to kill them oh okay then let's just kill them i just don't have a spell for that no but you have a gun but no but you can you do have a gun for that oh i do have a gun

a lot more people we can trick them into saying we can pretend that francis is another kid that that we're capturing.

Yeah.

Like, hey, open up the back, load him up, help us load him up.

And then when they pick up Francis, shoot them one by point-playing execution style.

Fucking everybody that grabs him.

And then me and Blake will go to the other side of the car.

We'll be sneaky.

We'll go to the other side of the car and we'll just beat ass.

And then when you guys are done shooting, we probably won't have killed them.

We've just been beating ass.

You can come in and try to get it.

I do want to remind you guys: the last time you guys were beating ass, it was on like a bunch of zombified, passive.

Yeah, but we're trying to zombify them with our spells.

We're with our gun.

You guys are in the bushes.

You're looking at the back of the squad car.

Two guys on the left, two guys at the right.

Yeah.

Two guys in the front.

Doors have just closed.

Freddy, what's the spell you can turn into somebody?

I can turn into like anybody.

Anybody you can turn into Brian Strokes Mitchell?

You just saw Brian Strokes Mitchell.

I did just see him.

He's clearly famous and popular.

Yeah, yeah.

I will turn into Brian Strokes Mitchell.

Tell them all to line up with their heads all in a straight line.

I'm checking your uniform.

Okay, I will be Brian Strokes Mitchell for a D6 roll plus four for six minutes.

That's enough time to kill six people.

Freddy, remind me how the spell works.

What does it say?

I I have to roll 1d6 plus 4 for how many minutes?

I lose 2d6 Sandy.

Ah, I rolled snake eye, so I only lose two sanity and one point of pal each time this is cast.

So

pow, 84, dog, and two points of Sandy, which takes me down 64.

And now I assume the physical form of Brian Strokes Mitchell.

How many magic points does this cost?

Six magic points.

So you're like, that's probably your whole thing, right?

No, I have 17 magic points.

What?

It's derived from your POW.

Oh, that makes sense.

I have six magic points.

Okay.

So you assume his form.

Yes.

Okay.

Nice.

We're going to say you guys had enough time to just come up with this new plan.

So what is your stupid plan?

I am

going to rush to the driver's side once this all starts going down because I'm going to stop the car from...

I'm playing the part of Chewbacca being...

dragged towards the fucking cops by two fake people.

You know what?

You're too sneaky.

I don't even think with Brian Stokes Mitchell, we don't need to pretend you or anything.

He can just ask them.

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to line up.

I was saying, you're sneaky.

You should go to the driver's side and I'm just going to bum rush the freaking passenger side so that when the driver's side looks over at me and like I start pounding because I gotta be attacked.

You pull, yeah, you open the door and you fucking pull out the driver's side.

Consider the following move that I could pull, which is attention and have everyone line up, including the drivers and stuff.

Yeah, and then I'll just reload my gun.

Yeah, you reload your gun.

And then me and Francis will just dive on any survivors.

Yeah.

Just shoot the median guy, which will probably get at least half of them.

So I want to walk up and I want to go, attention, attention.

I will say, the spell doesn't say you can impersonate his voice, right?

But I think I know what.

Because the voice comes...

Excuse me.

Voice is entirely derived.

This is what's entirely derived from the fucking physical.

Sure, but you're not.

He hasn't gotten a look at his vocal cords.

He's changing his face to look like the other guy's face.

It changes my physical form to any shape or appearance.

Do you know how to shape your vocal cords to look like Brian Strike's face?

I don't even know how to shape my face to look like Brian, dude.

I'm changing my physical cords.

Just that confident and just cough beforehand.

I feel like one of you showed up and like Will was like, and it came out like that's not, I'd be like, oh, hey, Will, wait, what?

But I would at least have a second.

And you're not going to be able to do it.

I'm just saying it's not going to be bulletproof.

Yeah.

I'm going to come out.

Yeah, neither will these cops.

Attention.

We are all waiting on the wings.

We're behind a bush.

We're one move at a time.

We're going to see what happens with them talking to Brian Soaks Mitchell.

Line up.

Attention.

So yes, everybody line up.

That's your.

That's Dragon War from Superior.

Can you ask them to line up more so that

I'm saying, sorry?

Don't worry, Trudy.

Okay.

One step at a time.

Okay, yes.

You young, you, dumb, and you, full of cum.

Okay.

If you got them to get on their hands and knees, you could make all their heads line up regardless of height.

What is everybody else doing?

We're not doing anything at the same time.

We're going to see what this happens.

All right.

Everybody looks up at you.

Attention.

Fall in.

Here's what I will say.

This is not going to cost you a roll.

You get to say it to them.

You're their boss.

They know you're around.

We'll say the longer you push it, we're going to have to start doing rolls.

But I think for one, you get like a, oh, shit.

And two of them are in the car.

So.

Oh, yes.

Two of them aren't getting a good look.

So they are not going to roll.

So the four guys on the side are going to roll.

I'm going to give them each an intelligence roll.

They're all going to buy that you're saying this, but everyone that passes their intelligence role is going to start to become more and more suspicious.

Okay.

Okay.

That's good.

So we're going to start with.

So one.

Four guys turn to you.

The two guys in front buy it immediately.

They're like, whoa, what?

Huh?

They're just kind of startled to see you.

The two guys behind them see you, but you can tell from their body language that they're more confused than they are.

Like, oh shit, it's Brian.

We got to fucking snap him.

So two of them have a level one suspicion.

And I go, you two, drop it, give me 20.

If any of them hit a three suspicion, they're gonna be onto you.

Okay.

I would like to be using this time to like aim because I think that's a mechanical.

Oh, you're gonna take an aimed shot with your.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

Where are you aiming from?

Are you just directly behind?

I'm from the bushes.

Yeah, and the idea is that they're gonna line up, right?

Yeah.

Oh, because they all fall into a line because you say fall in.

And then two of them are confused.

Trudy's lining up her shot.

They're all facing Blake, so you're probably over Blake's shoulder from the bushes.

Yeah.

So Blake, you will need to dive out of the way, or she's going to have a chance to hit.

Oh, I have a really good way to get them in the right line of sight for it.

Okay.

And look at all of them.

I see.

So before you say this, if you do say another command, they're going to do another roll.

That's fine.

That's fine.

So, yes, they all line up.

They salute.

The one in front says, sir, is everything all right, sir?

And I squint at him as Brian Stokes Mitchell.

And I look up at his uniform, his dress, right?

They're in robes.

Robes, right?

And I pick a piece of lint off the robe.

And I'm like, what is going on with your battle dress uniform?

Drop it, give me 20, all of you.

Okay, now give me a persuade roll.

This is an advantaged persuade roll.

Okay, 23.

Okay, what's your score?

Which gives me in range.

I will blow two luck to go down to 10 luck and

pass.

All right.

That means they're going to do a normal intelligence roll instead of an advantaged intelligence roll for them clocking what this is going on.

The two in the front, or the two in the back, rather, the ones who were getting suspicious rolled extremely loud.

One got a 17, one got an eight, one got a one.

And then the two in the front, they flubbed their roll, so they they hop to and start doing push-ups right away.

But the other two are still standing.

I'm going to essentially do the equivalent of pushing.

Like, why aren't you on the ground?

Why aren't you on the ground doing push-ups?

You're going to push your roll?

Or I guess I'm just doing another command on them.

Give me the roll.

But this is an advantaged, right?

Because it's my third command to them.

This is advantage.

But again, if you...

Aha, yes.

What'd you get?

Two, bitch.

It only took 14 rolls.

Two.

Super duper success.

Okay, one of them failed his role and drops down, but the last one, he he narrows his eyes and looks at you and he squints and he cocks his ear.

And it's something in your voice as you say that.

He looks at you and goes, where are your skeletons, sir?

Right as he opens his mouth, I'm fucking taking fire on the three on the ground.

Okay.

I swear to God, Trudy, Trudy's gun's gonna be like a starter pistol for this fucking race to beat the other dude's ass.

This is true.

Like, I'm sprinting at the standing up dude.

How many shots do you have in that gun, Beth?

A lot enough.

A lot enough.

I reloaded right before we.

She's like Tom Cruise and Mission Impossible 3.

Yep.

All right.

Give me a firearms, pistol, or whatever skill you have or firearms and give me it with a bonus dice.

Okey-dokey.

I got a 23, so that is a success.

Okay.

And you're aiming at the ground because these guys are on the ground.

I'm aiming at the three on the ground.

Yeah.

Okay.

Or rather, you're timing it as they push their heads up so that their head gets in gunshot range right when they're at the top of their push-up.

Yep.

That'll do it.

And you're like perpendicular to them because you're trying to line them up.

Is that the I'm trying to line them up?

Yeah.

Okay.

So.

And I go to the guy and go, it looks like I have three fresh skeletons right here.

That rules.

That actually rules.

Let's roll for damage, first of all.

I guess this is per target.

So we would roll for damage on each target, right?

Probably.

Yeah.

And then it's also passing through three.

Okay.

This is a sniper elite ass slow down.

First of all, I need to see something.

There you go.

You call that up.

Your form is taking away.

He's planking.

He'd be planking.

Will's bringing back planking, dude.

Yeah.

No, it's coming from the side.

Also, the guy's.

It's not coming from the side.

It is.

Yeah, because we're trying to hit all three at once.

Yeah, and they're all.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, yeah.

Perpendicular, yeah.

I see.

Temple to temple, dog.

Call the Mormons.

Yeah.

So it's three, just the heads.

It's not going through their whole bodies.

It's going through.

It's three just the head.

I feel like, okay, bro, that'd be crazy.

I'm not shooting them human centipede style.

I'm shooting them three-headed dog style.

I see.

You're in wanton when the ball goes through all the heads.

Oh, yeah.

That's the coolest part in Wanted.

And it kills Angelina Jelly, and you're like,

she really did believe in this.

Yep.

This is a pretty beefy gun.

This is the Desert Eagle.

He's a Deagle?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Shit's going through.

So yeah, I see some Counter-Strike replays that suggest you could wipe out the game.

I mean, it's not a Desert Eagle because there wasn't a Desert Eagle yet, but that's the stat block we're using.

So this is a very beefy gun, and you're at short range.

So yes, we will say it can pass through all three heads.

Beth, you get the joy of rolling the dice for these kids.

All right.

First guy, 1d10.

10.

Plus a 1d6.

Plus three.

Six, six.

No.

That's the first guy?

Yeah.

He's fucking kind of of weird.

His entire body.

So the first head pops like a water balloon.

Love it.

Second guy.

Second guy.

1d10.

One.

Plus 1d6.

1.

10.

Plus 3.

13.

Okay, so his head also pops like a water balloon.

Third guy.

Five.

Okay.

Six.

Plus three of 14.

All right, so three straight kills, and now roll it and divide it in half.

It's going to hit the fourth guy in the leg.

Okay.

The one that you're talking to, Freddy.

Seven.

Okay.

Two.

Nine.

Plus three.

Plus three.

So six damage.

Yes.

It basically blows out the other guy's ankle and he drops to one leg, Freddy.

And I go, did I tell you to kneel?

We will start your surprise round.

So now do I flinch at these gunshots because I'm scaling.

Oh, yes, you do.

Yes.

I love that.

Yes.

Give me a sanity roll, Blake.

A scale of Dwoll.

Oh, no.

Oh.

God, if I played an Uwu character in last season, bro, 74 out of 64, I failed my Sandy Royal.

Okay, so you, for the rest of this combat, have disadvantage on your actions.

Got it.

Okay.

Or you have a penalty dice on your actions.

In terms of dexterity, you go first, Blake.

On a surprise roll, we can essentially hold each other's.

Yeah, surprise roll, you can do what you want.

Yeah, we can do it in order.

And then we'll go in dexterity order.

So what do you guys want to do?

So I just want to slide my knife under his chin into his brain.

So I say, I can't.

I want to slide my knife into his chin, into his brain.

Okay.

Give me a

slowly.

Yeah, we got got it.

Give me an attack roll.

Grab the back of his head and like hold onto his hair and then slide the and just like insert that knife.

Just so smooth.

Yeah.

Just really.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

What am I rolling?

You got to attack him.

Give me an attack roll.

How about just into his ear?

Just keep going.

You're not listening to me.

That is a 12

out of what is that?

Screwdriver?

Dexterity, I assume, for a knife move.

It's a fighting brawl roll.

Yeah, 12.

Super duper success.

Super duper success.

Even with disadvantage.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, that's right.

You're right.

Oh, disadvantage.

Yes.

Yes.

Thank you, Ben.

Thank you.

Boo, boo, boo, bed.

I mean, we don't have any worries.

92.

Incredible failure.

The guy's rolling around too much for you to do that easily.

He's screaming.

You whiff completely.

He is going to fight back as you do that.

He falls down, right?

His ankle exploded.

He drops to one leg.

He's going to have a disadvantaged fight back because he's wounded, we'll say.

Actually, no, we'll call that a major wound and we'll give him a dice roll to hold off from passing out.

And he passes out.

No, he actually rolled great.

He does does not pass out.

So he's going to fucking retaliate with his own knife, Freddy.

What the fuck?

He's going to do a fucking fighting brawl roll.

This guy's hard, dude.

Disadvantaged.

He got a 93.

So just two men fail to stab each other because he's flailing and you're scared.

And so you both managed to whiff at each other.

Two men fail to stab each other.

It's like the first four acts of Hamlet, all right?

What's going on next?

Who's next?

During all this, were you sneaking around to the driver's side?

Yeah, Francis.

Yeah, I assumed that when you did your thing, I was going to basically rear naked choke the other guy out of the car.

So I'm charging the passenger side so that they'll both turn to look at me.

And then Francis is going to open the

stealthily approaching ever since because I am like a snake in that I can slither easily because I don't have two legs.

Give me your stealth roll, Francis.

We'll say this is an extra because you're now trying to get up to the door of the car.

Yeah.

Right.

So I passed.

Okay.

You want another one just for fun?

I'm super duper about that one.

While Trudy was aiming, I would have been, we were hiding behind some bush in a yard or whatever.

You were waiting for the starter's pistol.

This front yard, you know, fucking rocks on the ground.

They got a garden gnome, just anything hard.

I will say there's a garden gnome.

Yeah, yeah.

I grab the fucking, you know, porcelain or ceramic, whatever, garden gnome, and I'm going to run at the passenger side door.

I'm going to throw the garden gnome as hard as I can through the window shield.

Yeah.

Give me a throw roll.

Can I smash the window with the garden gnome?

You could have if you had said you wanted to smash the window instead of throwing it.

I mean, I was going really close to it.

I failed.

Okay.

So I'm screaming.

I go, ah,

and I throw this garden gnome.

Okay.

And it explodes, but the window's fine.

Basically, Basically, these guys hear a gunshot.

They look back, and then they look up and see a Garden Gnome flying in front of the windshield, and they're confused.

And then you are now at the door of the car.

I can definitely see the Garden Gnome missing.

So I'm screaming, but I'm honestly, I don't know what they have in there.

I'm not putting my head, you know, in gunshot range right at the side of the door or whatever.

But you were screaming when you ran up, right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.

Okay, yeah.

So they would look at me, hopefully.

All right.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, yeah.

So, yeah, they see the garden, and then they're going to track the arc, and now they're both looking at you going, eh?

Francis.

Francis is is now your that's your signal as we plan the garnum crosses over the car telling you it's time to go great is the driver's side window down or up we'll say it's down we'll say it's down okay well then i i reach it and i rear naked choke this asshole and try to pull him out okay give me a fighting brawl roll uh that is a two oh that is a super duper success

okay and i go blake taught me this one uh he's gonna try to fight back He also got a super duper success.

Which means Ty goes to me.

Dang.

That's true.

You know what we do?

We do the fucking Matrix reloaded fight scene in the car with the the seatbelts yeah but i went and i pulled out so you're trying to choke him out yeah i'm basically trying to grab him by the neck and while choking him out yank him out of the driver's seat of the car so he can't speed away so right now you're grabbing him and you're trying to pull him out yeah so what i do is i pop up i put my arm around him my arms around him do the greer neck a choke and then with my remaining leg i jump up and plant it against the side of the car and then push as hard as i can to like fucking drag his ass out with me with your role you've got your armor around him you successfully grappled him i think to pull him out we'll call that a strength check okay so we're gonna going to do an opposed strength roll to do that.

My strength is 45, and I got to 30.

So that's a regular success.

Reggie success.

Okay, he got a regular success as well.

Tie goes to me again, the special boy.

So you are able to yank him out of the car and you thud onto the ground.

And he sees this horrified tableau of his one friend bloodied and clutching his leg and his other three friends dead on the ground.

You better be happy that I don't sin anymore because this would be you otherwise.

I guess this doesn't count as a sin because this is the white shit.

There's nothing in white shit

to choke people out and save a bunch of innocent children or whoever in the car that's true all right so that is the end of the surprise round everybody is gone uh so now we'll go dexterity order which if i recall correctly is blake you have like a 75 dex right wait when i shot those people that was my turn in the surprise round okay yeah you're you started the surprise essentially you started you surprised everybody

that was the titular surprise that was the surprise who gave everything yeah i threw a gnome you killed three people i think you did pretty good man

yeah on average we did a great job as a team.

We're back to the top of the turn, or Blake, it's your turn.

No, I'm going to turn my knife around in a stabby thing.

Now that he's only going one more time, you're going to stab him.

I'm going to try and stab him again.

Okay.

Give me a willpower roll.

What?

Give me a willpower roll.

Why?

Because you're scared of guns.

Forget it.

Never mind.

I have a knife.

There's going to be something that will help you, but forget it.

Oh, to overcome it.

No, it's fine.

I got 36 on disadvantaged roll.

That is a regular success.

We'll call this a stiletto.

Love it.

Roll me a 1d4 plus 2.

Now I remember for my knife, actually, I have a 1d4 plus 2 plus my damage bonus.

Dang, dude.

So that's actually 1d4, 3, plus 2, 5, plus my damage bonus, another 1d4, 6 damage.

6 damage.

Okay, and he has...

He already had 6.

He already had 6 damage.

He is not looking fucking good.

Your knife finds purchase straight in the middle of his chest and slides like right past his sternum.

Basically, like you puncture a lung.

He is barely hanging onto life.

That's another major wound for him.

Didn't one of those guys die from 11 hit points of damage?

This guy's a little strong.

This guy's made a stump.

No, he's not.

They didn't.

This was 11 and then plus three.

So 14 is still.

This guy's close.

You hear a pop as his lung pops and he gasps.

You go like,

and then he just passes out.

If he was a Pokemon, now's the time to throw the ball.

Nice.

So he has collapsed on the ground.

There are two guys left.

It is now their turn.

So their dexterity is better than 60.

Damn.

Dexterous cops.

That's why they were there.

We'll start with the one being grappled, who is going to do a fighting brawl role to try to break free.

He got an 84.

Nice.

So he fails his role.

So he struggles and kicks.

And he basically tries to punch you in the head, Francis, but he loves his role.

Do you want to fight back?

I mean, if he's using one hand.

I guess, no, we're using, we'll say that go ahead and give me your hand.

You would just be squeezing harder.

You're squeezing.

All right.

So yes, then we'll go ahead.

And since he failed his role, we will give him a constitution shaving throw.

That's your turn, essentially.

You're squeezing it.

Yes, I'm going to squeeze harder.

Okay, so yes.

We will say that he is still holding on despite he's like thrashing and flailing his arms, but his lights aren't out yet.

I don't mind if I roll a thing.

Oh, um,

because I roll real good.

If you want to do another roll to like squeeze him more, if you want to do a strength roll, cool.

I got a super stupid success.

I got a two.

You got a two?

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, in that case, we will give him a disadvantaged constitution to see if he doesn't pass out.

And he does, in fact, pass.

He rolled an 11, but then he got 65 out of 60 on his next one.

So

his hand falls limp on your head, and you see him pass out.

There's one guy left, Kelsey.

It's better up.

He's the passenger seat.

Passenger seat guy is one.

Now, is the Anthony asked a good question?

Oh, he hasn't gone yet, actually.

Passenger seat guy hasn't gone yet.

He goes for the radio.

There's a CB radio in the car, and he scrambles for it and grabs it and shouts, we're under attack.

One, two, three, H Street.

We're under attack.

Send help.

Kelsey's just going to fucking, like a good boxer, sock him in the back of the head.

Like a good boxer.

That's how you win.

Head punches there.

Before the rules.

I like the rules.

When did rules start in boxing?

Not now.

When did rules start in boxing?

Guys, after the Korean War.

I think now we're good.

I mean, was Kane and Abel the first boxing match?

And there were no rules in that one because he got him on a rock, right?

Kane and Abel, that's on Netflix, right?

They hit each other with rocks.

That's awesome.

It was a nold bar.

No cage either, dude.

They didn't come up with those yet.

As the cane to his able, you punch him the back of the head.

All right, give me a fighting brawl roll.

He's going to try to dodge this so he can continue to use his little radio.

My brawl is 60 because I'm a fucking fighter and I got 27, which is a super success.

Okay, he's gonna try to dodge, and

he fumbled.

He got a nice damn minute.

What the fuck was that?

I want to be here for five years, never beat him.

Yeah,

I think Matt was doing the yeah from game over.

Yeah,

got him right in the back of the head, dude.

Yeah, so uh, yeah, you just give him the old fucking last thing he hurts.

What is kill?

I feel like you just knock him the fuck out with a fumble and you punched him in the back of the head.

Otherwise, it'd be four damage.

But I don't know, it'd be fun.

Yes, I think if you fumbled, he's got this is a hobby horse of mine.

I think media needs to be more realistic about its depiction about what happens when someone gets hit really hard in the head.

So he died.

I'm going to say that for years.

Yeah, so he's dead.

I feel like a lot of kids out there are out there fucking probably punching each other in the head, not realizing they could kill someone.

If somebody's knocked out and they're gone for more than like 10 seconds,

there's also like a 98% chance they won't come back up again.

Like people don't get knocked out for a long time usually.

That's not really how it happens.

Regardless, you knock this guy out.

You just fucking wallop him and you hit him right in that spot.

Would does Kelsey have like a name for this move?

Like a fun Alpha Omega move?

It's called the second-degree manslaughter.

He just goes slack and slumps over.

It's like a real fade-down-the-way Chinatown when his head hits.

Oh, no.

Oh, I just call it.

Not even a million-dollar baby.

I think he's really hurt.

I keep going.

I keep going.

Nobody's ever pulled me off.

I keep going.

I swing.

I swing.

Please.

Put this up to fucking first degree.

He's had enough, Ross.

He's had enough.

I believe that's everybody.

I do move his head off the horn though just so that you know in a stunningly swift act of horrifying violence you've managed to mow your way through six guys i think the guy freddy stabbed is still like collapsing on the ground with a punctured lung we start finishing him off well like it's hard oh stop finishing him off

finishing off

okay what would you guys like to do now open world triple a um

finish that guy up so he's dead is he dead like you know they're unconscious you've knocked out everyone is three guys are dead on the ground yeah are they permanently unconscious will um i forget what we were gonna do before we're just gonna rescue the kids oh yes yes

let's do that all right so you you run around to the back and open up the doors and you play your buddy one in the head right there like while we go rescue the kids you're just quietly go

quietly shooting them in the face well no because i hate guns remember oh but what you are doing while you guys are going you say you're going to do it well you know how this is an image from my youth that i think about a lot which is like, I remember when I was playing soccer.

I remember when I was playing soccer and it was like, here's how you shoot it, which is like, you got to run up and you got to plant your left foot next to the ball and you swing through with your right foot.

Right.

You used to do that to each head.

Well, just making sure.

Yeah, okay, good.

Some free kicks.

Free kicks, as they call it.

Call me looks like

that.

He goes, while we get the kids, free kicks.

Blake, you want to strike with your laces, not your toes.

I'm finding the steel-toed boots does a better job of making these skulls.

Okay, carry on.

So while Blake is out there getting his kicks in, you open the doors and inside you see seven, eight peachy people, peachls.

Peachables.

Peach bulls.

I like peaches.

Peach bulls.

I will go with peach balls.

If you wanted a lunchable, but you only liked fruit.

Peach bulls.

Peachables.

Peach ice.

Okay, so yes, you see some stouffers, peachables.

You see people.

You see your fellow citizens.

Your fellow denizens of this town.

Yes.

They're panicked, mostly other than Shane, who was just thrown in here.

They are bound and gagged.

A lot of them are in these runes.

Why is Shane not bound?

Because they just put him in.

Oh, that's right.

That's right.

So they clearly were like about to do that, you know, when you guys did your little move.

People are all shivering and panicked.

They're looking around.

They're like a lot of muffled screaming.

And you notice that they've got all these like runes and shit painted on their face.

It's kind of like, if you remember, the boxer, Dakota Johnson, that you fought, had all of these runes over his body.

I'm wiping those runes off instantly.

You know what I mean?

It's like ink.

Just

take my thumb and start

wiping that shit off.

Just spinning everywhere.

Everybody's hot too on these rooms.

So, yes, you see Milton in the back.

Kelsey, the second he sees you, he starts to cry.

Oh, Milton.

We're here.

We're here.

Let me ungag you.

Oh, Kelsey.

I was so scared.

I was so scared.

Kelsey.

Oh, that got your ear.

We're here.

We're here.

It's horrible.

It was horrible.

It was horrible.

And he's like, oh, so scared.

I was so scared.

Me and Bibi.

We're so scared.

And as he says that, outside, Freddy, while you are busy thwaking skulls,

you hear me.

Please.

Ah, quiet child.

I was saying hide into this.

I don't actually believe in the cult.

Check my skull, I dare you.

Very well.

Do it.

And then I will do a 360 and jump on his head with both feet.

As you are Goomba stomping these heads, you hear, as we just heard earlier, there's a CB radio in this this truck.

You hear, like, one of those, like,

yes, one of those.

Imagine I'm doing it at the back of the truck, getting these runs off.

And then you hear the voice of Britannica Blue over the radio, giving, like, I feel like you guys maybe had like some code names for each other in case you had to, but she's like, Condor one to Condor 2.

Come in.

Condor 1 to Condor 2.

Come in.

Condor 2 checking in.

Mr.

L?

Condor 2.

Oh, that's right.

Condor 1 has made contact at Milton's house.

Sorry, Sorry, I mean at Weird Boy's house.

No sign of Weird Boy.

We're proceeding on foot from here.

Over.

Affirmative Condor 1, Condor 2 receives.

Please be advised.

We have found a truck full of people and runes.

Was Weird Boy with them?

Over?

Affirmative.

Weird Boy is in the package.

Okay, that's great.

Give us your location.

Coming to you.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, who are you talking to?

I'm talking to Britannica.

As he's doing that, as we go back inside,

when Milton says, oh, Bibi and I were so scared.

We were so scared.

As that's happening, Francis, let's say, as you are going around taking hoods off people and spitting on your hand and wiping runes off, you pull down a hood and you see the face of a bound and gagged Britannica blue.

And she looks absolutely terrified.

Shoot her.

If you're here and she's over there, who's driving the car?

Mother, Mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind, and now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars,

swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

Thanks so much for listening.

Those of you tuned into the wheres and what fors of the D ⁇ D podcast in the Manic Universe may have heard whispers of something old Matty Mercer said about us.

And now we can confirm that we're going to be dropping a one-shot for Daggerheart upon this very feed.

And Anthony returns as our DM.

Good warm-up for him for season four, you know, trying out some other system.

The Matt Mercer system.

Tell you what, Randon and Mercer at the Massy Yoshi Takanaka concert here in LA.

Who's that?

You don't know.

That's a natty maddie baby.

Tell me about that dagger heart.

You looking to put her on her feet?

You want to run that dog raw?

Then you got hit on me and the daddy's crew, daddy-o.

We'll stress test your precious system within an inch of its life.

You think it's ready for prime time?

Toss us the keys.

We'll take it on a spinner on the track and we'll let you know if it's ready.

Capish.

The rest, as they say, is history.

We got Patreon.

Support us there, please.

On our last Peach Pit, and that's a season three after show, Beth and Will came back beth from edinburgh will from his new kid the energy was insane listen matt was trying to get me to skim off the top of our supply so he could make breast milk ice cream that was the conversation you missed right

freddie and i together together as just artists who have no bout who constantly pushing the envelope

on every frontier at all times this sounds like the notes app apology about like a preamble to a long sorry not sorry from someone who did something wrong floated an idea out there which is just we wonder what ice cream would taste like with breast milk.

That's always said, which is a fair.

I mean, I wonder about goat milk.

That's all weird.

I saw goat milk in the grocery store.

I said, I wonder if that ice cream would taste similar with goat milk instead of cow milk.

You calling it milk is so much funnier when you're talking about breast milk.

Breast milk.

Milk, I know.

That's right.

Get your pens and papers, ready, and write this down, dog, patreon.com slash dungeonsandats.

That's where you'll find reams of shows ready to entertain the hell out of you.

Capische.

Dungeons and Dats is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar.

Anthony Burch is Francis Farmsworth.

Will Campus is our DM, Bethman, Trudy Trout, and myself, Freddie Wong, as Blake Lively.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller.

Oh, Maxon's soundtrack for our movie, We're All Got Dice, and on Spotify now, it just hit this last week.

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That next episode, September 23rd, we will see you then.

them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I stay

today.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars

too far, too far away,

but I'll stay

today.

Why do you have a Brunstone Bears book up there?

It's the best one.

Junk Food?

It's a pretty good one.

It's the one with all the really yellow

rules.

I got it for Freddy for Christmas a couple days.

That one's like, the one.

That's the fucking one.

That's a good one.

Don't worry, dudes.

I still gooned to that one.

I'm about to make a Baron Stain.

Yeah, Baron Stain.

Bucknell's graduates aren't just working, they're thriving.

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