#433 - Pasta Disaster, Child Of The FTSE and The BACS Is Safe

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Hello there, thank you very much for downloading this episode of Ellis and John.

And I feel privileged to be sitting next to the person opposite me because I don't know if you agree with this, Dave.

There's even more of an air of wisdom about him today.

There seems to be something about John that just says, I am gaining experience at a rate of knots.

Do you know what his eyes say to me?

What?

Done.

That's always in the mix.

Let's just

in the mix.

Let's have that as a given.

It's not always high in the mix, but he's always there.

I haven't got come to bed eyes.

I've got go-to-bed eyes.

Yeah.

Please go to bed.

You're annoying me, eyes.

Please go, please go to bed.

I need some space eyes.

I get this from Hannah quite a lot.

Do you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

No, John's eyes say, been there, done that.

Yeah.

It's experience.

Do you know what?

And the experience is beginning to match his biological age because on Sunday

Robbins turns 43.

He doesn't look a day over 42, if you're sick.

Thank you.

I'm actually getting physically younger.

Yep.

Due to my...

Fantastic choices.

My fantastic choices.

Just in very

Yeah, the whole team around me.

I've got a great team.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've now got a nutritionist.

I've now got a personal trainer.

Because it takes a family to raise a genius.

Yeah.

Because that's what they say.

And it takes a village to raise a family.

It takes a village to raise a family to raise a genius.

To raise a super hunk genius, you need a thriving metropolis.

Yes.

You need several boroughs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You need public transport.

You need a council.

You need recycling collections.

Yeah.

cathedral.

You need a cathedral, ideally, Dave.

Layers of bureaucracy.

You need a mosque and a synagogue and a cathedral and an Episcopalian church.

And I don't know what that means.

Yes.

Yes.

And a Baptist church.

And a library.

And a library.

And a hospital.

And a soft play.

And

a franchise of dent magic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Should the genius hunk get a scratch on their

rear wing.

And also for people to feel engaged in the super hunk.

Yeah.

to feel engaged in his genius invested you need a tax system yeah you need a welfare state yeah um so in many ways

it takes the uk to raise me

the uk's hunk i am britain's hunk son of the uk i'm a child of the footse

you play footse you put i play footsee with

you know, big concepts.

UK PLCs.

With no big, big concepts.

Yes.

And that's related to the markets of the hypothetical metropolis that it takes to raise a village, to raise a family, to raise a genius hand.

But it's a long-winded way of saying you're 43 and handsome.

I'm 43

on the weekend.

Yeah, yes.

Your birthday on Sunday.

Talk me through

your nutritionalists'

views on your Friday eating habits.

Just have interest.

Are they aware?

Are they fully aware of?

You are not going to believe what my

coach/slash nutritionist said to me.

If you train as hard as he does, you need treats.

You can't train without treats.

Is that what he said?

Or she?

She, actually, Ellis.

I think we're going to be hearing a lot from my nutritionist/slash coach over the next

year.

She's called Ali.

Oh, yeah.

She knows her stuff.

Sorry, I thought it was called Jeremy.

That's why initially said

Jeremy

Jeremy is sort of like, imagine

the king.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

in a feudal CrossFit economy Jeremy is the king yes Ali is like a sort of duchess is he not a king is he king or duke is he king or is he feudal lord he's king so he started crossfit no that was a guy who's since stepped down oh okay for various reasons

yeah he abdicated but he was an american king and they don't have a monarchy yes okay so he was a sort of

some might call him a flawed president others might say he was a visionary.

We just don't know.

Okay, but you

turn into that, Hornet.

You ultimately answer to the king of the Chiltern-CrossFit kingdom, Jeremy.

Jeremy is,

if we were to relate CrossFit-Chilton to a feudal economy, Jeremy is the king.

What are the squires and marquesses?

Yeah.

That's Ali, Pip, Helen, sometimes Rita, and there are others who don't do the classes.

They just don't sound like food lords and ladies, do you?

But what matters is I'm a farmer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think so.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm struggling with that.

Real months.

Because...

Hold on, you're the son of UKPLC.

No, what were you the son of?

Forget the metropolis.

Forget the metropolis.

Let's raise the village.

We're now talking about...

So that's like a sort of present-day analogy.

We're not talking about aspects of being handsome.

Yeah.

Which is the name of my new album.

With the hit single jawline.

Oh, yeah.

No, so in the in the feudal economy

you've got your king.

Yeah.

Then you've got your sort of landowners

who who take your tithes for the king, though that's not quite how the membership policy works.

Monthly subs, subs?

Yes, I mean they go direct to the king by direct debit, but that didn't exist in the sort of 14th century but they wouldn't have turned their noses up at it from what i know of the foodal system no but anyway the sort of the main landowners which in this case are ali helen tarin

rita yeah

and sometimes a man whose name escapes me okay so are these the people you do crossfit with they're the coaches dave they're the coaches

they are the boots on the ground of my my muscular tones they're the ones who are beasting him there's a lot of coaches nothing about yeah well there's a lot of people to get fit.

There's a lot of lives to save.

He's got a lot of different body parts.

I've got a lot of different body parts.

I've got an elbow coach.

Rita's on quads.

But anyway.

Tarin's on pecs.

Tarin's on pecs.

And

Jeremy does take classes as well.

Okay.

Sometimes.

Anyway, I got quite grumpy about the workout yesterday because I thought it was too hard.

No, I got a bit sulky.

But you're a farmer.

You can't be sulky to the king.

You've just got to, you've got to just got to take it on the chin.

Yeah, my problem was that

the plow was too heavy.

Yeah, yeah.

And I felt that if the plow is far too heavy, I'm not going to till the soil.

And your soils have a poor quality.

My soils have a poor quality.

But it could be better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And there's room for improvement.

And you had a bad harvest.

Yeah,

I was saying, Jeremy, look, you're giving me a plow with no ox.

I need a hoe.

Okay, let's start me with a hoe and a trowel and a little kneeling pad like old ladies have with the garden.

Or street artists.

Or street artists.

Yes.

Anyway, what was my point?

You're handsome and you go to CrossFit.

It's incredibly your point.

And your album's coming out, and it's called Aspects of Being Nice.

And you've got go-to-bed eyes.

No, yeah, yeah.

Go to bed because I need some space eyes.

No, it was what.

Look all the great Hollywood superhunks.

It was what Ali said to me, my coach,

when we were talking about nutrition.

Oh, yeah, yes, of course.

She said, you don't eat enough.

And I melted with happiness.

Ali needs to resign

and take up a new line of work.

Ali,

Ali needs to have a long look in the mirror.

Ali's missed her calling.

Think about whatever else it is she's going to do.

No, because if Ali took a long look in the mirror, she would see a superb coach, nutritionist, and,

you know.

trained physio.

There is a Welsh bodybuilder who I don't follow, but his posts crop up on my Instagram a lot.

And I always watch them because he's got such a fantastic Welsh accent.

I find it very entertaining.

And he's obviously extremely ripped.

The amount he eats is bonkers.

Well, this is my point.

This is my point.

But I suppose

that I was happy to hear.

But I suppose it's because he's always...

I suppose it's because he's always in the gym training.

Like if I ate like that, I would be extremely overweight within a week.

Like he's having 12 hour eggs and ate of a car.

Like it's crazy.

So I'm staring down the barrel of a lot of eggs.

Yeah.

Her point was, and she's right, that I don't eat enough in the morning or at lunch.

So then from like 4 p.m.

onwards,

it's cake attacks and a sort of pasta disaster.

So I'm doing probably like, I'm probably doing like 300 calories for breakfast.

What?

What's that then?

I've got two pieces of toast.

Oh, that's okay.

And with hummus on one of them yeah yeah and vege mite and then i'm having like a big salad a mega salad for lunch

and then in the evening i'm absolutely right cake attack and pasta disaster it's cake attack and pasta disaster so i'm having like probably 2000 calories at dinner which is like what i should be having in the whole day right so you are eating enough no well i'm 2000 exaggeration you're just not saying say i'm doing 1300 calories at dinner yeah 300 in the morning 600 at lunch and i'm burning 500 a day on top of my resting metabolic rate.

Can I say something with respect?

Yeah.

Try.

You're a liar.

This doesn't tally with a John I'm.

You know me, you only see me on cake day.

Yeah.

And is everyday cake day?

No, every day's not cake day.

Okay, so Friday is an anomaly, isn't it?

Friday is mad.

Friday is unsustainable.

It is, I worry.

Friday, I have three cakes somewhere.

And

I worry about your teeth.

Yeah, no, teeth are good.

No, that's because I've got a, it's a mood energy, it's hyper-vigilance.

It's not working.

It's thinking, it's thinking.

If you're using cakes to regulate your mood, it's failed.

I know, that's a bad plan.

So, yeah, let's.

I mean, I have, I am aware I've got two slices of roulards next to me, and I've already had one.

Which is, he described as light rollipole.

Light roll lipole.

Yeah, light roll lipole.

That's correct.

So, anyway, yeah, I've got to like probably take the same amount of calories but spread them out in the day.

What are you going to start having for your breakfast then?

Um three eggs and egg whites.

Gee whiz.

And a protein bagel.

What's a protein bagel?

It's a bagel with slightly more protein in it.

Oh, you can get protein chocolate bars, can't you?

Oh, right, yeah, I suppose.

I've never seen a protein bagel.

Oh, just fear.

It's probably a little bit heavier.

You can get protein bread as well.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

It's just slightly more protein than bread.

All right, then.

And then lunch, this is the best.

Well, then the hope is that if you've more protein and better carbs at breakfast you don't get as ravenously hungry and I've got to stop eating these stupid salads.

Why?

Because I'm eating like a kilo of salad.

It must be such confusion for my body guys.

Oh yeah yeah there ain't many calories here but it's taking us a hell of a long time to work through it.

It would be a very funny like sort of Simpsons

scene wouldn't it where there's sort of people with hard hearts working in your body like I don't know why I don't know what this is we're panicking but we don't know why because it's literally a spade full.

You could put it in the mixing bowl with a spade.

But John,

of all the habits you've just gone through.

I don't think I should be hearing from you.

I've got to stop eating these stupid salads.

And there's roulard coming out of your ass.

But it's zero.

It's zero calorie salad, basically,

with about a 500-calorie dressing.

Because

it's like when they make breakfast with the BFG and they have to carry the eggs in wheelbarrows.

I mean, it's like whole lettuce.

You need to get some tuna on it.

Exactly.

Very good.

Mozzarella.

Yes, it just gives me bad skin.

Okay.

Another one.

I don't know what gives you bad skin.

Cheese, Brackett's General.

All cheese Brackets General.

Oh, but I'm going to have to just suck that up.

Okay.

Because I've got to get my protein.

Anyway.

Cheese.

Well, do you know what?

Oh, yeah, and it's my birthday.

It's your birthday.

That's why we're talking about this.

Now then.

That's why we're talking about how handsome handsome I am.

Yeah.

Now then.

Sunday, the big day, May the 4th.

Yes, sir.

You get the backs.

The backs is safe.

The backs is safe.

The backs is safe.

Can I risk it all?

Yes.

Do I get to gamble it first?

Well, I pick a backs.

I checked.

We've got to be above £100 now.

It's £80 plus inflation.

Yes, since what year?

2016.

It's £108.

I think I checked yesterday and it's like £108.65.

Okay, make sure you check again on Sunday because it might have inflation.

Yes, yes, you get your pennies.

So this happens just for new listeners, that this is a, this is something that's happened since when?

Well, I kept failing to, I kept failing with my gifts.

The first couple of years, your mom shot me an imaginary Twix.

Yeah.

Did you remember that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got you an imaginary.

Basically, I signed

a check for a Twix I couldn't cash.

Yeah.

So I promised a Twix that I did not deliver.

I was like the opposite of ours.

You didn't promise anything.

I said, what have you got me?

On this was on the show.

And you said, I've got your Twix.

And I was like, that's pathetic, but I'll have it.

Yeah, yeah.

And then it wasn't even there.

Yeah, sorry.

Let's not talk about the failure.

But that's fine.

That's fine.

Because he made amends via instant cash transfer.

Yeah, and it's led to the birthday backs.

So you get £80 plus inflation.

It's now £108 something.

What does BAC stand for, John?

Bad ass

cash.

Cash.

But I couldn't bear the thought of you not opening something on your special.

No, you haven't got me an actual present.

Well, I actually have got you a present.

Well, she's opening it.

My present was Josh Wardle last week.

Oh, that's fine.

Also, I need to make something abundantly clear, because I've had a lot of negativity on social media.

Though it is in the rules that the Wordle Willy WhatsApp club can use a dictionary, none of us ever have.

Why would you?

Because it's useless.

But it's there if you need to look up a word.

It's just a theoretical rule that was there three years ago.

So I bought you two presents.

So, this is what two

ones.

Are you ill?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, are they bits of your cart?

Of course, they're not.

I wish.

Did your mum put you up to this?

No, no, no.

I just couldn't bear the thought of you not opening something.

Is it chocolate?

Who knows?

And then I bought you another one.

This is nice.

What's going on?

Thank you very much.

It's very kind.

It's nice wrapping paper as well.

It's all

the fruit and veg of the realm.

It is.

So.

Oh, it's chocolate.

What's wrong with you, Alice?

So I got you that because I thought

I thought I'm safe with chocolate.

Yeah.

But I thought just in case just in case I've managed something, I bought you a book as well.

But obviously, you can obviously give it away, which I'm sure you will.

Of course, I will.

You won't, John.

I have a one-in-one-out policy on it.

I know you.

I've actually inscribed in it to that end.

Have you?

Yeah, yeah.

Is it made out to the person who browses it in a charity shop?

Yes.

How do you know that?

That would be so.

I don't know.

That would be such a great idea.

If you're reading this, then my friend has given it away.

Oh, you two know each other so well.

Oh, well, I'm not giving that away.

Oh, okay.

I'm going to have to get rid of a book to make space for this.

It's Poetry of the 30s from Auden to Spender.

Whoa.

Which is Jimmy Nail's character.

Jimmy Nail?

Is he watching?

I don't know Jimmy Nail's character, really.

Stephen Spender.

Poetry of the 30s.

To the person who's picked this book up in a charity shop, this was initially a gift for John Robbins, a steamed comedian, podcaster, and friend.

Oh, what a lovely thought.

Because I know about your one-in-one-up policy.

I read about this book first in Stuart McConney's book, The Nanny State Made Me, which is a really great book.

And

he's like, that book of poetry changed my life.

He loved it.

He read it in school.

So I bought a copy and I loved it.

I'm not an enormous poetry fan.

But the Louis McNeese poem, which is the first one in my volume, so I'm assuming it's the same in that,

is my favourite poem ever.

And I think it's Autumn Journal and it's just lovely.

But there's some really obvious the 30s, obviously, it's a low, dishonest decade, Dave.

A low, dishonest decade.

Not my words, the words of W.

H.

Jordan.

What does it mean?

You've not heard of Hitler, Dave.

Yeah.

Well, there we go.

Yeah, but I don't know what Lowe.

I don't know what you're doing what you're saying.

Bad stuff happens in the 1930s, Dave.

Just t say that in future to me.

Well, W.A.

Jordan described it as a low, dishonest decade.

But there's some fantastic stuff.

Dylan Thomas is in there, Louis McNice.

T.S.

Eliot, I think.

Stephen Spender, etc.

Good era.

Great era for poets.

Good era for poets.

Great era for poetry, yeah.

Unfortunately, due to licensing rules, we can't read any out on the show, can we?

Is that true?

It's very strict on poetry, yeah.

Really?

Oh.

Though some of this has got to be copyright-free now.

I don't.

I'm never sure.

I'm never sure.

It won't be 100 years old yet.

No, no, absolutely not.

No.

Oh, lovely.

I did Barker, yes, yes.

I didn't.

Betchuman, Audum.

Yeah.

I didn't know that about poetry.

I knew that about songs, obviously, because we could only play 30 seconds on the keeper session sessions and Radio X.

No, we have to be quite clear because we do a feature.

on Craig Charles' show called Way With Words on National Poetry Day.

So what about when John just starts quoting Shakespeare?

I think you're allowed to shout out a line at someone who's telling you to behave.

When you've discovered that your credit rating's bad.

Yeah, but you can't,

you couldn't quote sort of a significant amount.

Yeah, I think in the BBC guidelines, it's during a meltdown.

Poetry's fine.

But otherwise, you've got to be really careful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I think...

That's very, very kind of you, young man.

Well done.

Well, I felt...

Yeah, I just couldn't bear the thought of you not opening something.

And I do get the backs as well.

And the backs is safe.

Yeah.

When I I was wrapping it this morning, I thought to myself, the backs is safe.

If I somehow messed this up.

Right, we're going to move on to some correspondence and read out an email that made me howl with laughter.

So here we go.

Don't need to put it down, John.

This

is from Assalted Caramel Puddles.

I'm going to actually just move it.

I'll be a salted caramel puddle.

Out of sight, out of mind, eh, John?

There you go.

Dave, will we share the salted caramel puddles with the whole team?

It sounds like you don't want to.

Is that a loaded question?

Hello, hello.

Ellis, I was saddened but greatly entertained to hear of your electric blue misfortune because I, well, Izzy spilt an awful lot of.

This is Paintgate.

By the time this goes out, will the paint pictures be on the carousel?

I think the carousel needs to go up.

I think it's today the carousel.

Yeah.

Okay, people are giving me thumbs up.

For those of you listening, the carousel is like a flick book of highlights from the week's content.

It's always enjoyable.

It's always enjoyable.

It's been called a flick book for about 500 years, but now it's called a carousel.

Because it's on the bottom.

Or is it a carousal?

Alice, I was saddened but greatly entertained to hear of your electric blue misfortune.

I'm writing to Shay in collective misery and tell you of my own misfortune that occurred just a few months ago.

It was the last day of my tenancy before moving to a new city.

My little London hovel on the top floor was almost completely emptied other than a few items, which, crucially for this story, included a couple of paint cans.

My wife and I had got married a few months prior and had made our own set dressings for it from plywood.

With a creer in archaeology and floristry, we had made a 2D faux standing stone circle for little meadows of flowers beneath.

Sounds nice.

The stones are painted in greys with a neon green base for vibes of a grassy meadow.

It was this neon green tub that I now needed to dispose of.

I'd be damned if it would be stuffed in a van with my treasured belongings.

That would, of course, cause disaster.

It was bin day tomorrow, so as anyone would, I decided to smuggle it into my bin bags for an early morning removal by the guys in Hive's.

11pm.

I was only two steps down from my flat door when I turned around a banister and heard a dull bang.

Turning around, confused, I saw that one of two things could have just occurred.

Shrek had stepped on a landmine, or more likely, the cruddy bin bags had given way, allowing the sizeable and half-full tin to plummet to the the steps below, thus ejecting the contents up the white walls and across the entire landing, now soaking into the dark brown fireproof carpet.

Hang on, let me get up to speed because I checked the snooker scores and that was a mistake.

Barry Glendenning sent me a message saying Ronnie is in big trouble.

So I had to check, Dave.

Right, I've taken the chocolate off you.

Is there anything else I need to take off you at this stage?

This guy's trying to chuck paint in the regular bin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're not allowed to do that.

You've got to take it to your recycling centre.

And if it's got paint in it, you've got to have a stick in there to prove that the paint is solid.

Did you know that?

Yes.

Did you know that about the sky?

You can't take runny paint to this recycling.

I think it depends.

There's one in Battersea you can take runny paint to.

No way.

Yeah, yeah.

What are you supposed to do with paint then?

Well, this is the thing, Dave.

You've just got to pour it in your local stream.

I mean, that's the only option.

It's the only option.

It's the only option.

Yeah.

Or drink drink it.

Or drink it or offer to paint a neighbour's front door.

Yeah, yeah.

Or paint yourself.

Or paint yourself.

Let the skin shed it into the atmosphere.

Yeah.

That's what I did.

That's what Ellis did.

We had a load of paint from the old house.

I painted myself and the children, and our skin.

shed it in into the atmosphere.

Azo system, it worked.

Eddie just launched a load into a foot well.

Yeah, yeah, she doesn't care.

So this is why he's saying I decided to smuggle it into my binary.

So we don't condone that

and across the entire landing now soaking into the dark brown fireproof carpet.

What was that?

My wife's voice came from the flat with the thin walls.

I was speechless, but managed to utter a panic.

Um my wife came out to the landing above and looking at the apparent scene in which Kermit had just been beaten to a pump in the stairwell

cast me a look of dismay and disgust.

Why did she just marry this absolute incompetent?

Now I love this.

This is so great.

What do you need?

she said softly, as to not rub salt in the wound, and more crucially not alert the neighbours.

Everything, I replied, wipes, water, hoover, sponges, bin bags, the good ones, etc.

etc.

I hastily scooped up the tin and lid and took it down the stairs in a bin bag.

The offending article now on the street, I came into the building to see, to my horror, that despite my efforts, the tin had continued to drip as I removed it, leaving a neon Hansel and Gretel style breadcrumb trail from my front door, down the stairs, across the pavement, to where I was now essentially essentially fly-tipping it.

Now, completely losing my mind, I went to see what my wife had gathered.

I tiptoed back to the flat, dodging the lime orgy on the landing to see that, curiously, only a used sponge and takeaway Tupperware box full of water had been left out the door for me for the clean-up.

I went into the flat to help my wife locate some items and saw to my horror that she was horizontal in bed, relax as anything, reading fan fiction on her phone about Pedro Pascal.

He's a good egg.

He is, I like like Pedro Pascal.

Nice guy.

At this point, I believe I came as close as any man has to spontaneous combustion.

Have you lost your entire mind?

I asked.

Smiling innocently, my wife finished a sentence and peeked out from behind her phone screen with a smiley, hmm?

I repeated myself, have you lost your entire bleeping mind?

I honestly believe that my wife had seen the extent of the harlequin horror and experienced some sort of stress-induced amnesia.

Safe to say, I, no doubt in my mind, calmly explained the extent of the disaster and got her assistance.

Using what little we had left in the flat, we used a dustpan to scoop the paint before sponging and wet sponging again.

My energy failing, I had one last great idea.

I'd spotted another tin of white paint in the mystery cupboard and thought I may be able to use it to cover up the disasters on the walls.

Absolutely not.

It was only

wet, surely.

It was only after applying the paint in the dim stairwell that I noticed that the walls were not in fact white, but cream.

Worse, the water from the sponges had dripped through the the landing was now creating a sage snail trail to the ground floor.

We managed to clean up most of the mess, however, the absorbability of fireproof carpet is quite something to behold, and there remained a stubborn puddle that we had to give up on.

In the light of day, we could see that we'd ultimately failed to reverse the mishap.

Lo, the damage was done, and we had to move house today.

We accepted the consequences and moved, but a neon green scar remains in my psyche that I may never shake.

Big love, Duncan.

I need to know what happened to the deposit.

Yeah.

There's no way that they got that deposit back.

I need to know.

Well, hold on.

Yeah, because the deposit, it would count for outside of flat damage, wouldn't it?

Because there's nothing that's gone wrong inside the flat.

Well, it's the communal area.

I guess if it's the communal area, there's nothing to prove it was you.

But there was some problems inside the flat, wasn't there?

No, I don't think so.

I think they were just leaving that sort of Hansel and Gretel snail trail from their flat to the outside.

Okay.

So there's evidence pointing to the fact that it was them.

I'd quite like to know if and how they communicated what happened to the neighbours.

Is that just an email all?

Or do you just say a word?

Really?

Because it's clearly...

I will say it again.

I can't drink out of Dodge.

But you can't leave on the day.

I know he joked by saying they moved that day, but you're in that house for three to six months, surely.

Yeah, get rid.

Get out.

Get out.

Get out, get out, get out.

No, it's rented.

I suppose you can't leave it.

It's quiet.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Fair enough.

Oh, my lord.

I mean, it's shame while territory in a way.

Yeah, when I read it, I thought this feels like a shame while it's just

the idea of painting over the mess and then he's using a slightly different colour, which is just going to make it look so much worse.

Yeah.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Flippity-do's.

Flippity-do's, Dave.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

How's Ronnie doing, man?

What's going on?

He's 11, 4 down.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, it was 4-all, so he's lost 7 on the bounce.

Snoop World Cup.

What was he in?

World Championship semi-final.

Okay.

But it's okay.

He doesn't have to prove anything, Dave.

He's done it all.

He's done it all.

He's done it all.

Yes.

Do you know what he's not done?

Come on.

How'd you go?

Yeah, so he's conscious of it.

I am very conscious of that.

I'm very, very conscious of that.

Nothing more we can do at this stage, John.

No, of course.

This is an interesting one.

This is from

Tanna.

I hope I'm saying your name right.

Or Tanar.

Hello there, you good eggs.

Many years ago, I met and then later married a lovely man who happened to have one small tattoo on his wrist the tattoo was inconsequential fast forward a few years and i by chance switched radio stations in the car to bbc radio 5 live to hear some youthful sounding lads chatting about bringing back the name john what great hashtag content i thought i'll continue to listen fast forward again to the present day and as it would happen that tattoo does mean something to me now the tattoo reads john wins again

It turns out I married my husband simply because he was branded with what will no doubt be one of radio's most noteworthy, yet probably fleeting, features.

My husband John will tell a different story to how the tattoo came into being, but we all know it was the universe working in John Robbins' favour, always winning, giving him a space to discuss all his various wins with a global audience.

And just in case you need to hear it, John, you do indeed win again and win every day.

Right now, you're getting to hang out with your mates, win, and you're getting paid to do it, double win.

Why are you paid for this, Dave?

No, anonymous.

Are you?

No, this.

No.

That's the true stuff of dreams.

Thanks so much for the podcast.

It's a real treat.

And Tana has sent in a photo of her husband's tattoo, which isn't that small.

It's big.

Which is

in quite an odd font, but it does look like it's sort of based on some handwriting.

And it says John wins again on his arm.

Wow.

So I would like to hear the story from said John about where the tattoo came from.

I can't tell which bit of his arm that is

i think that's either i think that's the wrist just below the watch strap yeah

um

so we could do john wins again now dave oh okay what a lovely what a lovely uh

i don't know lead in lead in pop it on the carousel div

what me forgetting what words are john wins again oh yeah we'll whack that are we allowed to yeah they sent it in sure it's fine uh they've sent it in now that all the copyright is assumed.

Yeah, absolutely.

Like when Ellis got all those nudes

from Sexiest Tattoo.

Oh, yeah.

4,000 nudes.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He can publish his own coffee table book without need for consent.

And do you know what?

It's not tasteful.

No.

But not, but coffee table books are all out there.

They don't need to be.

You can be cheeky with coffee table books.

You can be cheeky.

Yeah.

Okay, do you want to do John Wynn's again?

Obviously, if you do DM Ellis nudes,

he will seek consent before publishing them in in a Tashin hardcover coffee table book.

That's not tasteful.

Yeah, that's not tasteful.

The minimum requirement.

And it will be called Foor, look at this.

It will.

It will, won't it?

Your editor's not happy, but you've put your foot down.

The LS James collection.

Fool, look at this.

All the nudes I'm sent.

With grief.

Right.

Oh, let's...

Yes, John wins again.

Sorry, I just opened my laptop and thought I was at home.

You're back on the snooker scores, aren't you?

Get off snooker.

And I'm snooker.

Get off the BBC website.

Okay, let's play.

John wins again.

John wins again.

Oh, John wins again.

John wins again.

John wins again.

Wins again.

wins again!

Ooh, that's reminded me, first win of the day, my coffee subscription service, I get a kilo a month, send me 250 grams of extra coffee for free.

Really?

Why?

Yeah.

Birthday gift.

So they probably have your data burst.

Maybe it is.

Or just to thank you for being a loyal, hunky customer.

Yeah, yeah.

But because it's floral coffee, I don't like it.

So I'm not going to be here.

Because I've realised that my favourite

tasting notes of coffee is house blend.

Oh, is it?

Yeah.

Chocolaty and caramelli.

I have been around the world and found that I like

supermarket coffee.

Dark roasted houseblend coffee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's win number one, because I got a free coffee and I've given it to my dear friend.

And it's a win for Costa as well, because John likes your product.

Hold on.

Oh, yeah, you've got to tally up the wins.

I'm not telling.

So this is a feature where John goes through his week

and finds out whether he's won or lost or not, cumulatively.

So it's a worst.

So

on the 22nd.

Okay, I'll leave it and let it rest for a bit.

Will you let it rest for a bit?

So that's the first statement.

That's 1-0.

And Ellis gets a win as well.

And Costa gets a win.

And Costa gets a win.

Hold on.

This isn't the scoring system I'm used to.

I'm going to put a little Ellis column down at the bottom.

And Custer.

Win, loss.

Let me know if Ellis loses this.

He doesn't get any loses this week.

That would be harsh.

Parkrun PB.

Whoa, well done.

What is it?

I'm not telling you.

And it doesn't matter.

And it doesn't matter.

I'm not telling you, and it doesn't matter.

Well done.

But it was also 30 seconds longer than my actual time because of the people on the start not getting in order of expected finish time.

Can you not just whack that off the time then?

Well, it's not on the parkrun website.

And you're playing by the rules good lad

good lad but i'm gonna do another a different one this saturday i'm gonna go right up the front and run really really fast yeah yeah do you know they i there was a really good video uh after the marathon where they asked like 10 marathon runners what's uh what they find harder 5k all out or a marathon every single one said 5k all out did they yeah

say that again They asked a load of marathon runners.

Marathon runners.

Yeah, what's harder or what's like they like less or what's more difficult.

5k all out or a marathon.

They all said 5k all out.

I suppose so, because if you are, yeah,

you're sprinting for 20.

But what I would say is a marathon, but they won't think like this.

But professional marathon runners are pretty much already sprinting.

It's crazy how the elite level.

They're already fast, the elite level mouth.

They're already going to be very fast.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

But it's a steady pace.

It's not like absolute threshold limit.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly that.

Okay.

2-0.

Two big Tabasco's arrived that I ordered online.

Great.

So I've got a litre of Tabasco.

We need some more Tabasco.

You can't get these in the shop, so I just ordered them online.

A win, because I ordered some Tabasco the other day, and the only Tabasco I could find had gone out of date two years ago.

I don't think it goes out of date.

No, so I used it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I suppose that's a minor loss.

For you.

No, I say that's a win.

Okay.

Yeah, you used something, you didn't get ill.

Unless you'd kept it.

I didn't get ill, no.

Unless you'd kept it on the parcel shelf of a hot car for two years, which I wouldn't put past you.

I think that's still fine.

Okay, okay.

Some things never go off.

Honey, vinegar, sugar.

Yeah, banter.

Banter.

I don't know.

Some 90s banter's dated.

Some 90s banter.

Banter has dated very badly.

Okay, Alice has muscled his way on this feature.

It's 2-0 to Alice.

3-0 to John.

I got, well, here's.

Oh, Dave.

It's our old friend, the double-edged sword.

I managed to

strong-arm,

slash, politely persuade

someone who runs a Bonnie Prince Billy merchandise website that only ships within America to ship some products to me.

Oh, wow.

Is it going to cost a fortune, though?

Well,

I'm wearing the results of my labours.

This is a...

I bought lots of old Bonnie Prince Billy t-shirts.

Great.

Leopard on a bike.

Leopard on a bike, Dave.

But I did have to pay £80

custom charge.

Is it a loss?

Because you're giving money to the treasury.

Well, yeah, because also it cost me a heck of a...

It cost me a lot to get it sent.

A PP.

A pretty penny.

It cost me a pretty penny to get it packaged.

It was a PPP.

But

a pretty penny packaging price.

The t-shirts are nice.

The t-shirts are nice.

One of them doesn't fit, but I'm going to give that to a friend who's a Bonnie Prince Billy fan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah who weighs six stones who weighs this way too small because some of the sizes they'd run out of so i had to get one small two mediums and two larges and one extra large i think actually that's just a merch stand for that stage

bought a merch stand

that would be a lovely job for you what when you retire running a merch stand for bonnie prince billy can you imagine that i can see oh i would love to do that take you 20

so that's a loss is it

i think that's a win it's one all i think yeah it's one all because the customs charge i think we've got to be careful with losses because you've chosen to do all that.

I didn't choose to pay a customs charge.

Well, I did.

But did you know that was coming?

No.

I suppose you didn't know.

Okay, fine.

Okay, good stuff.

4-1.

I'm currently leading Josie.

She'll hate me for saying this.

I'm currently leading Josie Long 56-28 in our Infinite Boggle tournament.

Nice one.

Well done.

End her.

Do I need to start a Josie Colin as well at this stage?

No, no.

So it's John Ellis,

Costa, and Josie.

I'm just keeping it to you two for ease.

Dave, we've got another double-edged sword.

Oh, no.

At dancing with Dave, I managed to sweet-talk the hotel to upgrade me to a suite for just £40.

When?

Left my condiment bag in there.

Oh, what are you going to say?

Well, I wouldn't have taken that with me.

Being very weird.

But I would have wrapped it in a dish.

Yeah, because

maybe tied up the bag in the waste paper.

Oh, your big condiment bag.

My big condiment bag.

It's got me HPs.

It's got my ketchups.

It's got my soy sauces.

It's got my Tate and Lyles.

That's not you, John.

It's not me, actually.

No.

It's not me.

And do you know why I left it there?

Why?

Because I took it out of my bag to get my herbal toes out.

Yeah, yeah.

Because it was a Saturday night.

And you want to relax with a bit of

arrowroot and licorice.

Of course.

Even though I don't actually like the licorice ones.

Okay.

That's a loss.

I lost you with a drink you don't like.

And I left it in the little kitchenette

that I got because I'd upgraded for £40.

Oh.

Also, the bath was so big that, and the water pressure was too low that you couldn't actually fill it up hot because by the time it got to

it, it cooled down.

And was it so big?

Did you find yourself slipping?

No, because I've got quite long legs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But anyway, that's beautiful.

Don't include the bath one, Dave.

I've not.

So that's a win and a loss.

Yeah, I've got a bunch of people.

So I need to start a new condiment bag.

So 6'2.

Yeah, but the new bag I started, I got because I take the bags from airport security.

That's a win.

That's a win.

That's a win.

Because I've got about 10 in my cupboard that I use as condiment bags.

You don't need to use those bags anymore.

If you fly.

Yeah, because

we flew to Heathrow.

We flew from Heathrow.

To Heathrow.

We flew to Heathrow.

You were in a holding path about Heathrow.

We flew to Heathrow and we turned up and there was sort of climate change protesters going, you've flown eight miles, Ellis.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

As long as it's not over 100 mil, put it in your hand luggage.

Is that true for all flights?

Yeah, well, it was true.

Because a lot of people treat the show as consumer advice.

It was certainly true in Faroe, and it was certainly true in Gatwick.

Okay.

So.

TBC.

Well, I gave you a win.

No, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that is a win.

I think that is true across the board.

You don't need to use those bags.

They haven't even got them at Heathrow and Gatwick anymore.

Man, I got us to stop at Norton Keynes.

What do you mean?

The services.

Oh, you've got to stop this.

No, I got to.

I was able to.

Oh, and it's one of my favorites.

Oh, right.

Oh, brilliant.

Eight.

Went to the Leon.

Nice.

Went to the toilet twice.

Yeah.

Oh.

Is that on the toll, Norton Keynes?

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah.

So there we go.

What are we at?

Well, Ellis is 2-0 up.

Oh, that's good.

Josie's 1-0 down.

Unluck.

Costa's 1-0.

What will Costa?

Costa's 1-0 up.

And you're

8-2-up.

Eight wins!

Two losses!

Hang on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

Yeah, it's all good.

Yes, all good.

Okay, so there's my wins for this week.

That's a good week, John.

It's a good week.

8-2 is a good week.

Yeah, so more of them next week.

And your week's not over.

You've got your birthday on Sunday.

Oh, my God.

Well, no, but we're starting a new win week.

Yeah, of course.

It's not a start.

It's not like a calendar week, is it?

No.

Before we head to Mad Dad's, a very nice quick bit of correspondence

from Erin in Lampeter,

who says, Anweil, Ellis, John, and Dave.

Anuil, which means dear.

I felt compelled to message because the credit score special was perhaps the best radio I have ever been blessed to enjoy.

Now then, that's nice.

I would agree.

Would you?

I would say that

I wouldn't say that's a unanimous verdict.

But have you not heard the updated BBC mission statement?

It's inform, educate, entertain, divide.

Yeah.

Anyway, it was undoubtedly the podcast equivalent of beds, beds, beds.

Don't know what that means.

What does that mean?

I don't know what that means.

And then a long Welsh word, which I'm not going to attempt to pronounce.

Hongfakidiau.

Or sing vakia de, which means congratulations.

Anyway, it's the PS, which I thought was very sweet.

Erin goes on, when working in Iraq a few years ago, my colleagues and I were persistently followed around old Basra by small boys shouting, Gareth Bale, Gareth Bale.

Then we realised we had a Tesco bag from Carmarthen with us.

And it's got a big picture of the Welsh flag on it.

And they'd obviously recognise that from the Wales team.

Yeah, Welsh...

Welsh Tesco bags have got the Welsh flag on them, presumably because of Welsh produce.

And there's presumably a dad with

five young kids holding the bag for life from Martha and Tesco.

That's so sweet.

That's so cute.

Let him from them.

Oh, Dave, that's cutie patutis.

Also, my peonies came out, Dave.

Nine, two.

What, dude?

My peonies.

What's that mean?

That's a beautiful flower came out in my garden.

Oh, nice.

Oh, got it.

Nine.

I'd like to know what beds, beds, beds is.

Yeah, what's beds, beds, beds?

Is that a reference to something I haven't seen?

Or is it something we've done?

It's probably Gareth and Stacey or something like that.

Gaffing

Because he's got his finger on the post.

It's their say.

It wouldn't harm it if it was called Gareth and Essex.

No, no, no, no.

They call you John Pop Colts.

But it would imply that Stacey was the one from Essex.

Right.

Where's Gavin from?

Gavin is from Essex.

Stacy's from Wales.

She's from Barry.

Right.

So obviously Gareth is a traditional Welsh name.

So if it was Gareth and Stacey, you would think that Gareth was the Welsh one and Stacy was the English one.

Okay.

So yeah, it wouldn't harm it.

It's just

involved a complete rewrite.

I don't know.

I'm getting a lot of links for Benson's.

Benson's for Beds?

Yeah.

Because I've just typed in Beds, Beds, Beds.

So all I've got is Dunham, May, and Benson's.

I can't find a cultural moment that revolves around Beds, Beds, Beds, I'm afraid.

Yes.

Okay.

But now it's time to find out about your mad dad's.

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.

Actual real wooden clogs.

And set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canopes.

He then proceeded

40 litres or so

onto the timber and strike a match.

Dance a mad!

Dance a mad!

Dance a mad!

We love you, mad dads.

If your dad's ever done anything mad, let us know for goodness sake.

This.

I like this, and I think John will be able to relate to this.

LOL, John Prod D.

On the subject of mad dads, my father, for sure, numbers among the ranks.

From buying my mum a vacuum cleaner for her birthday to repairing a gaping hole in his rust bucket for Granada with Dado Rail Offcut.

There are innumerable other examples.

He has, however, suffered ill health recently and required a full liver transplant only a few days ago.

Nothing encapsulates my wonderful dad, quite like seeing him barely able to keep his eyes open open post-surgery, awash in cables, wires and tubes.

Groggy and slurry, he spoke a few words in my sister's ear.

Sore was the only word she could pick out and she asked the attending nurse to help him with his pain.

My dad made a slight move with his hands and spoke again to my sister.

Once again, sore was all she could make out.

The nurse administered some pain relief and he drifted off to sleep after a little while.

It wasn't until we were on our way home sometime later listening to Five Live, my sister suddenly burst out laughing.

When asking what that was about, she said she'd realised he wasn't actually saying sore, but was actually asking what the cricket score was in the England versus West Indies second test.

He's on a long road to recovery now, but comforting to know that an eight-hour serious surgery hasn't dulled the margarie.

Keep up the great work from Gary and Claire.

Love the first thing he thought.

Yeah.

That's fantastic.

Have you got another one?

Because I've lost my sheet.

Yeah.

Somehow.

I think Dave might have nicked it to to writing the score.

Oh, do you know what?

Every chance, John.

There's every chance.

Yes, he has.

This is from Karen.

Karen says, hello, you two studly blokes.

My 70-something-year-old father is very lawn-proud.

That's a good area for Mad Dad's lawns.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he had read about a tip for some kind of grass bug that was affecting his lawn.

When visiting them,

I was told gleefully that Dad, quote, walks around the garden with a torch at night, peeing on the affected areas.

With this disturbing vision in mind, I fumbled for words and asked, isn't it difficult to be constantly whisking out his main member, stopping, walking a meter, and repeating?

To which he proudly told me that after 70 years, a man has mastered such things.

It's quite good for prostate control.

Prostate health, yeah.

He's meant sort of stop and start midstream.

Are you?

I thought that's bad for you to stop and start.

No, I think that's...

It's bad for you to hold it in altogether.

That's a given.

Well, it depends.

It is for a full three ages, knee, and eager.

Well, not for like a competition to win a car.

But like

if you empty your bladder too regularly, it can sort of teach it to panic when it's got any wee in it.

So you do need to practice balance, but it does depend on your individual medical circumstances.

I cannot stress that.

I don't emphasise that on a bunch of people.

Don't talk to your GP.

While occasionally holding your urine is generally okay.

Yes, Dave.

Dr.

Dave.

This is the new regular section of the show called Dr.

Dave.

Making a habit can lead to problems.

It's best to empty your bladder regularly, folks, especially if you're feeling the urge to urinate.

Yeah,

they're playing it safe.

I would maybe take advice on your bladder from your healthcare professional.

Regularly holding your pee can increase the risk of urinary tract infections.

It's the AI overview of Google.

Oh, let's not start using AI, please, Steer.

You can't help it now, because it's there.

You're not allowed to use AI on the BBC, Dave.

Scrub that.

It's my own brain and thoughts.

Very good.

And now we're going to have a chat with everyone's favourite AI, AIDRIN Charles.

Ellis and John, coming up shortly.

Word reaches me, John, that you're eating a roulard.

That a sweet sweet roulard.

Yes, Adrian, the food in our sort of BBC-adjacent public-private partnership office

is which in many ways we're forging a potential path for the BBC.

Yeah, yeah.

The canteen here, whilst not subsidised, is superb.

And I've got a passion fruit and white chocolate roulard.

And it's a super.

We have agreed you need to be careful with the sugar.

I was hoping this would be savoury because you know what happens?

You get that energy burst and then

Ellis,

he goes into that vertiginous decline, doesn't he?

Do you know what, though?

I'm humpty-dumpty.

God, it's exciting when you're riding that wave.

Is it?

The five minutes he's up is really worth it.

And then you just have to accept that he's going to be down for two hours.

Yeah, it's like Oliver Reed, but with

Rolos.

Yeah.

Not Scotch.

Yeah.

You know, searingly good company for about 45 minutes.

And I'm Michael Aspel trying to keep him on message.

Yeah.

And then people are asking questions to exec producers about how this happened um but i yeah i'm on a new nutrition regime um adrian you'll be surprised to hear that my nutritionist said i need to eat more um however the the cake slice of the macros is up for debate

um i had a golf got a golfing first for you i played last saturday afternoon and i lost a ball in the car park

i had as you were were getting out of your car oh yeah i had two balls in my pocket two brand new balls and

i changed my shoes and there was only one ball and it had rolled it's quite a sloping car park lost a ball before i even started that's got to be a first

have you where did you play and why wasn't i asked well this was a club called churchin and black down just played Just played nine holes and I think oddly didn't lose didn't lose the other ball.

I managed to get around the course, but one way or another, I'll find a way of losing one.

And she managed to play nine holes without losing a ball.

That's pretty decent.

Yeah.

Well, I was still grieving for the one I left on the car park, so I took my mind off the torment of the ball.

What's your handicap, Adrian?

Oh, very high.

Sporting mass drama.

Never had it.

So yes,

certainly is.

Okay, gentlemen, we'll have to move on.

Thank you very much indeed, Alison and John.

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Oh, what a great chat with Adrian there.

And a fantastic reference to AI on the way in.

And a fantastic chat about AI earlier.

Which Dave loved.

Which Dave loved.

Yeah.

We haven't discussed at length over the last 10 minutes in a bit of the podcast, which isn't going to make to air.

Does not cause me any problems.

It was rolling, Dave.

Mics were rolling.

Mics are always rolling.

Mics are always, every mic's alive, Mike.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What do we want to do then?

Shall we?

There's a couple of...

There's a couple of moving emails, Dave.

Well, and one that's just informative.

Yeah,

I'll start with the moving.

Hello, my loveliest boys.

Classic, and I like it.

I know that cool clubs generally pass, but in a similar vein, I wanted to throw in something topical.

Last weekend, 90,000 people ran marathons across London and Manchester.

And I know that being a marshal has been thrown in before, but I wanted to extend that to the people who go out of their way to cheer on strangers in a marathon.

I think that's one of the lovely aspects of London, actually.

I've never run the London marathon, but everyone I know has done it.

Says it's just amazing with people

shouting your name.

Danny Dyer cheered me on from the sidelines.

Did he?

Yeah.

Got a dive.

Did he?

And I looked over at Danny Dyer with his massive dog.

I cheered you on, Dave.

Yeah, but I know you.

I mean, you're still lovely.

I've got photos of you running the London.

Yeah.

Yeah, you have.

That's very nice.

John came all the way down on his own to cheer me on.

I came all the way down on my own yeah for my marathon Dave looked like he was sort of drowning

I've never seen someone look like they were drowning in air

sort of pour it pouring at the air

but you blum it fast Dave three hours 14 that one John my second fastest time

as one of those who struggled in Manchester this weekend it felt hotter than hell it was honestly humbling the amount of people who offered sweets shout at my name or was simply there to offer vibes these people who did it out of the kindness of their hearts are good eggs eggs and don't know how much it helps when it hurts.

My boyfriend also made a sign that said running to win because you hate yourself, which certainly got some nice.

See below.

That's something John said on the show a long time ago.

Run to win and hate yourself.

Yeah.

So a shout out to all of those who are kind to runners in Manchester or London.

P.S.

John made a cameo for my birthday when me and my boyfriend Lloyd were not in the official stage where he suggested a contract.

I will do that.

So you might be happy to hear that we are very comfortable with the term.

Oh, lovely.

So, thank you very much, Ellie.

I also do love the Ellie, you can do it, run to win, and hate yourself, team elf, uh, sad dad's running club.

Post placards that uh, uh, you bought your friend Lloyd made.

And you know what's very nice about that from a personal perspective?

What that email is aimed directly at my dad, who went and did that this last Sunday morning, just went to the marathon to cheer this up.

I think it was because he did my dad's an ambassador for prevent breast cancer, so I think it was a part of a cheering squad that went down for Prevent Breast Cancer.

But he, yeah, he just went down on Sunday morning and cheered on my friend Kate, who did brilliantly in the marathon in the mansion because it was hot.

Yeah, it looked like hell on earth.

Well, Dave, of the four comedians I know who started the London Marathon, two didn't finish and one spent two hours in an ambulance.

Yes, I saw some of those videos.

Oh, Joel, bless him.

Joel Dommit looked like he was.

I was looking at the splits.

Yeah.

There we go.

Down on the two faster.

Well, although do I find galling?

I looked at Joe's Instagram.

Even when he's fainted and is in an ambulance, he is handsome.

Oh,

he's the most handsome.

He's a man from fiction.

He really is.

He is a drawn human.

Yeah, he's very much a sort of...

He should be if they did a live-action version of like Snow White or something, he is Prince Charming.

Yes.

Like a cheeky Prince Charming.

He's got a bit of wit about him, which is Prince Charming.

I don't know how funny Prince Charles is.

He's just like a bit of a squad, isn't he?

Yeah.

This, Dave, is a thanks to you and probably a little bit to me.

This is from Mike.

Mike says, hello, my valiant warriors of wit and wonder.

I've been listening to you for 10 years

and have emailed in.

How's that possible?

We've only just started.

This is our first opportunity on XFM.

Yeah.

Because we're young comedians who who have a pilot, no one really heard of us, Dave.

Where was he for the first year?

That's my question.

Yeah,

good point.

Recently, my four-year-old has been wobbling with his emotions, especially when reflecting on things he didn't get to do.

We might have a brilliant day out, but on the way home, he'll get upset about the ride he didn't go on.

Yeah, I mean, what is that if not life?

Getting upset about the ride you didn't go on.

Oh, my goodness.

The game he didn't play, or the food he didn't eat.

Oh, the road untaken, Mike!

During one such teary journey home, your discussions about gratitude came to mind, specifically Dave and his family's gratitude jar.

I introduced the idea to my son and we talked about what we were grateful for that day.

We've kept it going and for the last two nights at dinner, we've all shared something we're grateful for.

Our three-year-old is still firmly stuck on being grateful for escalators, but I'll take that.

It made a real difference in helping my four-year-old focus more on the fun he's had rather than the moments he missed.

And it's given us all some lovely, reflective joy as a family.

So thank you for all the laughs over the years and for this little gem that's helping a small boy regulate his emotions a little bit more.

Oh, I like that.

10 million points to you, Mike.

Yeah.

10 million points to your four-year-old.

That's very sweet.

Two things.

I think that was the same conversation where I quickly went on to talking about not giving an S about anyone.

So sorry about how the conversation followed for young children, which isn't quite as heartwarming is well i don't know whether mike was saying i don't think they were listening to it together no i think your wisdom dave he took it to his family took it to his family yeah but he cherry-picked the wisdom yeah and second i don't think he sat his little boy down and said right let's talk about the things we did that were good and be grateful for them and by the way no one gives an s about you

and one of my execs who often jokes about the fact that he thinks i've just got a perfect life because his kids are quite hard work he said that him and his wife heard that part of the podcast and both told me to F off on the radio.

Really?

Yeah, because it was just too wholesome.

So, but I think he will go on and do it.

He better.

Yeah, he better.

Because if not, I'm coming for him, Dave.

And then we'll see he's got a hard life when his windows are kicked in.

There's graffiti all over his patio.

And I've set fire to the old tree in his garden.

That lovely old tree, 200 years old.

Up in smoke.

Up in smoke.

Yeah, they'd have probably woken up at the windows being kicked in.

Right,

this is an email I want to read out from Louisa in light of something we were talking about last week.

Hello, you delightful trio.

Read the thought of buying lots of things online and then returning them and not understanding said behaviour.

Certainly, where clothes are concerned, many high street shops nowadays have increasingly limiting clothes sizes in store.

So if your body type doesn't fit into the narrow range dictated by them, then it can force you online.

On the size 20 or 22, my preference is always to shop in store the browsing carrying an armful of clothes to try on trying them on deciding which i want i have to now look online as many shops stop at a size 18.

buying online is further compounded in that there isn't a standard sizing system across uk shops preach

i mean i am i have i've gone from small medium to large in when it comes to t-shirts you have to go to welshmansthigh.com yes yes i mean i can i have got in my wardrobe t-shirts that are small, medium, large, and extra-large.

Yeah, so weird.

And you wouldn't think I looked mad in all of them apart from maybe the small.

Yeah.

But even then, and if you go to, I've mentioned this a couple of weeks ago, but if you go to get merch from an American musician, American sizes, that crazy.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a small in American t-shirts.

Yes, when I did.

And I'm a mega hunk.

When I did the British Hartford Edition bike ride, the cycling top I was wearing was a large.

You're like, surely that can't be right but the and I've got a t-shirt on now that are the blummin numbers instead of letters

so people size things from like one to five and you've got to figure out what for me why do they do that because it's just a cool thing to a couple of brands that I know do it and they do it they number sizes rather than letters and it's good it's great doesn't take long to figure out but at the same time it's what if it's one to five or five to one who knows

fine field carry on well there is a company now t-shirt company that do small long small, regular, and small short.

Oh.

And then they've got like 27 different sizes, which is quite good, I think.

Yes.

One then has to buy a range of sizes in the hope that one will fit.

Yes.

Therefore, returning items is more necessary when you spent £300 quid in order to buy one pair of trousers at £50 quid.

I would much rather go into a shop and try on and buy one thing than have to buy multiples and then faff around the packing and posting to do the return.

You three are the absolute bloody best.

Thanks for all you do.

Louisa.

Louisa made some very good points there.

Louisa makes a very good point.

I'm not going to argue with that.

I'm not going to argue with Louisa.

I will never argue with Louisa.

That's in the bank.

When I made the comment about people ordering lots of things and sending them back, I wasn't considering that specific situation.

I did have in mind a friend of the show who just orders about 40 things on Amazon every day and sends most of them back.

But

she or they.

Or he or it.

Or it.

What are my name.

Yeah.

Or Tony.

Yeah.

Tony, friend of the show, does that.

This is a Tony Robinson.

Yeah,

Tony Robinson.

You don't hear much from Tony Robinson these days.

He's buying all the clothes and sending them back, sounds like.

Is he winding down?

I'd love it if he was.

Would you?

He starts.

He starts.

I know that he started the Bristol City to Plymouth Archyle leg of the BHF.

Did he really?

In that he went off you go.

Like he didn't cycle, you know, whatever, whatever the distance is.

He was one of the Bristol celebs.

Yeah, I bet.

Well, a very recognisable face.

It was Tony Robinson, Charlie from Casualty, and one of the McGans.

Right.

Noel Edmonds?

He was just working a lot in Bristol.

You would see him driving to the industrial estate where they filmed

in the taxi lane because of the

taxi license.

And then when that idea didn't work, where he got the doll to sit in the passenger seat so we could drive in the two-plus lane.

Yeah.

I mean, good story.

He, he could be a book of Mad Dad's.

Oh, yes.

I mean, that, those two things are mad dads, getting a taxi license.

Just to be clear, I don't, I'm not keen for Tony Robinson to wind up.

You're just wishing him a peaceful rest.

We ought to.

Again, in a sort of, and not in a career scene.

He's done some of my favourite ever since.

Yeah, that's Made Marion.

He was fantastic in Made Marion.

He was fantastic in Time Team.

I love Time Team.

And he was also incredible in Black Adder.

One of the great all-time sitcoms.

This is a lovely message from Rosie.

Rosie says, hello, my mindful muffins.

I just wanted to say how much I connected with the discussion about radical acceptance.

Yes, please.

In relation to periods of depression or low mood.

I've experienced spells of depression every six to nine months for ten years, and thankfully they tend to lift in a matter of weeks.

Over the last decade, most of my attempts in therapy or treatment have been to try and work out what my triggers are, how to avoid the spells or how to shorten the spells when they happen.

I've not found anything which has effectively done any of those things, and my shame at not being able to fix myself, if anything, was making things worse.

I've come to the realization that I get depressed because I'm someone who gets depressed.

The weight lifted from accepting that I cannot hack or fix my way out of periods of low mood has been so freeing.

Here, here, here, high hands.

Instead, in my most recent spell of depression, I tried solely to focus on the things which made the days even slightly less hard.

Being outside, working in the garden, and resting, all being things which worked for me, even if only for a few minutes, a little bit like Alastair Campbell's jam jar.

I've tried to let go of the idea that these things are worthless until they solve the problem.

Instead, I accept that I am not a problem to be solved.

As John has mentioned before, every feeling, good or bad, that I have ever had has ended, and so will the depression, too.

Thank you for your candor and thoughtfulness around these subjects, as well as providing all the cracking content.

That's from Rosie.

Thank you, Rosie.

Thank you, Rosie.

I'm so pleased you've got to that place.

And it's all a journey of exploration, of course, and no understanding is wasted.

But I am enjoying the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.

Great.

And apparently, she's got lots of good

meditations online, which I'm going to dive into.

Where did you hear about radical acceptance out of curiosity?

From my therapist.

Oh, okay.

We were talking about

taking a radically accepting approach to various things.

and just the phrase stuck out at me.

I don't think my therapist actually mentioned the book, she just we were talking about the concept of radical acceptance.

So I just googled it when I got back, and the first thing that popped up was the book.

Whack that in the old basket, get it in my front door, get it in my brain box, leave it in your basket, wait for it to be on offer, get it in front of you, yeah, yeah, yeah, or ideally get it second-hand.

It's unsustainable,

right?

Well, that's plenty.

That's that's a solid, solid Friday app.

Oh, it's been a delight.

Hasn't it?

And I didn't even eat the chocolate, Dave.

No, I've kept it over here.

That's why I was hoping you could.

You did eat a lot of roulard.

Yeah, I think I need something salty because that roulard was so sweet, actually, for quite a bit.

Well, I haven't got my condiment back because I left it in the hotel.

Otherwise, you could have had a sachet of salt.

Bang!

Bang!

Oh, God.

Great.

Hey, listen.

Listen.

We're back Tuesday with the accent

Saturday.

Well, we're back on Saturday if you've got BBC Sounds, of course.

That goes without saying.

That's a given, that's safe.

I'm so pleased we are.

Yes, and we do it live, don't we?

We're coming on a Saturday morning.

We're coming on a Saturday morning.

We do 10 minutes live.

10 minutes live.

And we all go home.

But on Tuesday, it's the launch proper of the Accents World Cup, of course.

Yeah, Dave's got a lot riding on this for some reason.

No, I'm not.

It's just a fun little thing.

It's Mississippi versus Boston.

He's sunk thousands of pounds into this new feature.

Well, I had to fly to Boston.

Let's go and get an accent.

Okay.

So, yeah, a bit of fun, of course.

Good stuff.

And I'm going to go and read poetry from the 30s.

There's some great stuff in there.

I've got, I actually have a copy on my bedside table.

You're into poetry now.

Only that book.

That's all right.

And Louis McNeese, who I think is brilliant.

And

I bought the

copy, the edition Stuart McConney had from school on eBay for like 50 pence.

It's got lovely 70s sort of penguin classics cover.

It's great.

There's There's some good stuff in there.

Poetry from the 2020s will have Dave Masterman in, potentially.

Sitter.

I think there are lots of...

I think TBC.

I think there are lots of nice self-publishing websites available, Dave.

I know people who've used them.

I know people who've published their poetry.

I think I'll be there or thereabouts.

I think I'll be there or thereabouts.

You make your poetry sound like you're trying to qualify for the Europa League.

They're not their ruppets.

I'll make the playoffs.

Anyway, thank you very much for downloading.

We'll be back with you for the Bureau on Saturday and then a much longer episode, of course, on Tuesday.

Goodbye.

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