#428 - Hunting Aled, Gen Sea and Harriet Kemsley

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK.

It's not hard to breathe easier.

With an IntelliPure air purifier filtering out the tiniest particles of mold, irritants, allergens, and other airborne icks, you can rest assured that the air in your home is clean.

Don't wait.

Shop Intellipure.com now.

BBC Sounds, Music, Radio, Podcasts.

Hello, listeners.

A few weeks ago, I was in my favourite cafe having a panini in a chin wag with the midwife.

Before I knew it, we were joined by a fireman, bond disposal expert, squanding in two coppers.

Naturally, once we chatted about our respective panini fillings, conversation turned to our jobs.

I listened to the midwife discuss emergency C-sections and long labours, as the bomb disposal expert talked about the steady hand and extreme concentration needed to disable an explosive.

Eventually, I piped up.

I banter cast for a living, I said.

Hot brie dripping onto my plate.

Silence.

Wow, said the fireman.

God, you're brave.

I actually think devoting a whole episode to John's credit score was not just brave but incredibly noble, added the squaddie.

We loved it at the barracks.

Not everyone agreed, I said, much to everyone's amazement.

Bantercasting, you couldn't pay me enough, chipped in the oil rig worker who supplements his income as a stuntman on low-budget films.

With this in mind, and with producer Dave acutely aware of the pressure presenters are under, last week I was sent on the first wellness retreat for podcasters, alongside some of the bravest bantercasters in the game.

It was a fairly simple affair, as during the midway point between spring equinox and summer solstice, I, Ed Gamble, James A.

Custer, Paloma Faith, and Stephen Bartlett began the day around a campfire, clutching our favourite sacred stone.

A Caster and Bartlett in the same breath.

Only one of them is coming out alive.

We formed a circle of yearning, brought to you by NordVPN.

And then we just let our worries wash over us as the team behind no such thing as a fish prepared our ayahuasca.

Ayahuasca, I ain't touching that, said Rob Beckett from his downward dog yoga position.

I just need yoga, matcha tea, and journaling.

After lunch, I, Richard Osmond, Marina Hyde, and a few others walked over to the Mother Earth Zone, brought to you by Squarespace.

It was here that we de-stressed by wild dancing in the nude around a fire as Dominic Sunbrook and Lily Allen assured us we had value.

Josh Whitdicum told me that he felt held and nourished, and I could see that even Acaster's worries were leaving him, and the sweet relief brought to him by nude dancing meant he could return to asking American sitcom actors whether they like pears or not refreshed.

During the evening meal of a falfa sprouts at cafe, I said to Rosie Ramsey that I felt my chakras align, and she agreed.

I looked around, and everyone seemed calm.

We would be heading back to our USB Blue Eighty microphones tomorrow.

And so, to celebrate being members of the humble podcasting community, we all cracked open a 17% Sharon fruit, lamb chop, and hazelnut stout brought to you by Bia52.

Oh, lovely.

Very good.

I was, well, I was very frustrated to miss the retreat, of course.

Yes.

But I did contribute to some of the activities, just giving a few suggestions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was able to come remotely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And do a talk in the yurt.

Yes, yes.

Oh, God, it was so chilled in that yurt.

Oh, well, it's got to be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were on all fours roaring.

It was really, really nice.

Thanks, Dave.

Thanks for paying for it.

No, that's all right.

No, it's important, though, isn't it?

Being stressed.

It's important.

And that fireman, he said, you need some time for yourself, you know.

You need some you time.

and i went thanks man you're all very brave i've passed that on to dave brave little presenters and obviously because it's a podcast wellness retreat next year we are looking to monetize it

got some interest from yeah from a cast well it already was monetized yeah all those those they're paying them dave i i've i'm involved in some of the back end of this all right okay and um

they're paying some of the costs yes but you only make money if they sign up with your code yes whereas next year we do want a chunk of money Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And a chunk of money up together.

Our friends at Fuse Energy.

Fuse Energy actually aren't our friends because they didn't want anything to do with it.

Nothing.

They didn't want anything to do with it.

The Fuse Energy party was actually in the adjoining field.

Was it?

Yeah, very different.

I'll tell you this.

They know how to party.

We had to keep telling them to keep it down.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I didn't feel relaxed at all, actually.

Next year, Huel.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, so there you go.

Anyway, how are you, John?

I'm very good.

I'm very Zen, actually.

And I didn't even need to go on the wellness retreat.

No.

I just need to spend all weekend in bed feeling depressed.

But

I was able to practice radical acceptance.

Yes.

That's my new thing.

What's that when it's at home?

Radical acceptance.

Do you make that up or is that a real thing?

No, it's a real thing.

It's just about accepting things for what they are.

Okay.

On their their own terms.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you can't move because you feel like you're made of stone.

So you just accept it.

Okay.

And

that was it.

And then I went to play a bit part in a small erotic short film.

Erotic?

Yes.

As it turns out.

Oh, yeah.

Do you have a small part?

Yes!

There we have it!

I'm going to go and get the bell.

Yeah.

It's not on the cable.

Just engaging.

I need to go go and get the bell.

Just in case I do more of them.

No, no, for just

it's needed.

Are you allowed?

Thank you.

Are you allowed to spill the beans?

Did you?

No, I'm not going to say that.

No, I can say no more.

I can say no more to thee.

Is it going to be

public access?

Yeah.

I assume so, yeah.

A lot of these sound like euphemisms still, Alice.

You got to exactly.

Yeah, it does still.

Everything I'm going to say now

sounds like a euphemism.

euphemism.

But I got back from the...

I'm in a lot of this.

I probably shouldn't be telling you this much.

But it was my first acting job in 10 years.

Okay.

So, you know, next stop Hollywood.

And what is it?

Sorry, say it again.

It was an erotic thriller.

No,

it's a short film, a very artistic short film that does contain nudity, doesn't it?

Artistic means one thing, Dave.

French people do it.

Oh, I see.

But then I did come home and feel very, very depressed.

Okay.

So popped into bed for three hours.

What time was this?

About two.

In the afternoon.

Yeah.

Fine.

But this is where the radical acceptance comes in.

Yeah.

Because I was reading Alastair Campbell's book, Living Better, which is very good.

Strong recommend.

Also reading.

Is that his mental health one?

It's one of his mental health ones, yes.

Also, reading the book Radical Acceptance.

And who wrote that?

I'm going to have to Google it.

So sorry, crew.

I'd also like to understand the difference between acceptance and radical acceptance.

Where is the line?

Genuine concept.

Tara Brach.

Okay.

A Buddhist teacher.

Oh, I've just got an email.

Sorry, I've just...

Accept it.

I'm just going to radically accept that, Dave.

Radically accept that your notifications are switched on.

Yeah, Bandcamp, David Earl's, Patriot.

Oh, nice.

Okay.

My Amazon deliveries with my neighbor

and a balance update from American Express.

All good.

All good.

Oh, and football's on tomorrow in the usual place.

Great.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Well, I'm just sort of getting my head around radical acceptance, but it's like seeing things for what they are.

And I could...

Can you give an example of how you didn't used to see things for how they were, but now you do, having read the book, and accepted radical acceptance.

Very good cue.

So, I think in the past, I would have got caught up in whether my mood was, Why am I not on Dar O'Brien's Go 8-bit?

But now you accept that

you're not going to be on Dar O'Brien.

Well, having been the guy who's like, Why aren't I on Dar Obrian's Go 8-bit?

And then you realize, Oh, I think it's because you sort of sent quite a cold response to a request for you to do it in Edinburgh one year because you were quite hungover and tired.

So, you didn't really get involved on the ground.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But in the, in fact, listeners to the show will remember quite recently me talking about my afternoon lunch-based slumps.

Yes.

I don't think it's anything to do with lunch.

I think I'm just depressed.

Okay.

So instead of Googling

ratings for Daro Breen's Goek.

No, instead of Googling blood glucose spikes

and like a thousand forums about what foods make you depressed.

Yeah.

You just go, oh, I think I'm just depressed.

Yeah, yeah.

So then you can see it for what it is.

And Alistair Campbell's book was really good on.

He's had quite bad depression, hasn't he?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like really bad.

But

almost seeing the differences between how he approaches his mental health and how I have approached mine.

Neither right nor wrong, but just sort of getting some ideas from him.

So I thought, I can't move.

I'm just gonna like i'll just like wait until i feel better but then i thought could you get could you run could you go for a run and i was like maybe not yet but the it sort of planted a seed in my head because i've always thought just stay in bed until it goes and then i thought i reckon i could go for a run if it was like right that's the if that's the like main task for today because you've done the work thing in the morning that's probably tired you out and got you quite stressed and nervous and you're kind of coming down from an an adrenaline crash also from your first erotic thriller fingers crossed of many but but the thing with acting if you haven't done it the sharon weary for the nectar generation

but i think because you largely perform stand-up and podcast

but comic acting especially is part of that world but it's on the periphery i would say doing something that's out of your comfort zone it's going to stress you out and it's going to tire you out i had three lines i was absolutely terrified Yeah, it's

how can I put this?

I think a lot of non-performers are justifiably very cynical about performers, like in Edinburgh, for instance, so going on about how tired and sad they are.

But what it is, it's the adrenaline beforehand and then either

and the nerves.

or and either the adrenaline of it going well and the endorphins or the crashing low of the show going badly times 30.

It's lose, lose.

Yeah, plus being hung over and losing lots of money.

So like about 5.30, I thought, it's going to be light for like two hours.

Yeah, that's great.

So I put on my, I bought some new running leggings

with a phone pocket.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And I did 7.5K and beat my best time by six minutes.

Six minutes?

Woohoo!

That's great.

Yeah, that's great.

Well, well done.

Get in there.

And did you feel...

Did that make you feel good afterwards?

because i know you don't like running per se do you like which i think it's very impressive actually to to to yes put yourself through something you don't enjoy because when i did the bike the charity bike ride i really love cycling love it so it's not a particularly it's not a big bind no the first i i get to like three or three and a half k

and then suddenly

My body like relaxes and I get into like an equilibrium.

Yeah, but that first sort of 20 minutes Yeah, it's hell Yeah, and also the route I was doing has got a mad steep bit that's so steep you do actually have to walk some of it.

But then you just

like chills out.

So yeah, I did feel very good.

And then I had fish and chips.

But you're allowed to.

I am allowed.

I'm allowed to.

Every night.

I'm 42.

I'm 42, dude.

You're an adult.

I'm an adult.

Well, that's great.

Yeah, so I'm all about radical acceptance.

So you'd recommend the book?

Campbell's book.

I'd recommend them both.

Radical Acceptance by Tony Bracht.

Yeah.

And also, radical acceptance doesn't necessarily mean being a doormat and letting people walk all over you.

Ah, because I can do that.

You can do that.

But it's maybe accepting, for example, accepting that your partner isn't going to change.

Okay.

After 20 years of trying to change them and going, okay, well, I've got to do something now.

I've got to make a decision.

Yes.

Seeing things for what they are.

Is it living in the future or the past?

Izzy is not going to get into the Nations League.

Or stop closing cupboard doors.

No, she's again today.

Thought we'd been robbed.

But if you can accept that and love her in spite of the fact that all your cupboard doors are open when you switch on the lights.

I cannot discuss the Nations League.

You can't discuss the Nations League.

Yeah.

I just can't.

You can't.

And every time I say this is an important game, she says, why, is Swansea playing Wales?

And I've got to go, no, that's not going to happen.

Are Swansea playing Wales?

Wales is a country, you see.

It's a Swansea.

It's a club.

She says that as a joke, though.

No, it's unbelievable.

But I love it very much.

Of course you do.

There you go.

So you're seeing things as they are.

I've radically accepted

relations league.

Well, I think that's the secret to a successful relationship, radical acceptance.

You know?

Yeah.

What's that new pornographer's line?

Whatever the mess you are, you're mine, okay?

Love that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, wow.

Isn't that a lovely line, Dave?

I say that to you, Dave.

Whatever the mess you are,

you're mine, okay?

It's a backhanded compliment, isn't it?

Let's be honest.

Hannah said that to me.

No, that's a lovely thing.

That's like to that's to say, like, whatever form you take, yeah, whatever happens to you in your life, I got you.

Yeah, that's better.

Yeah, but that doesn't quite scan as well.

There's a lot of radical acceptance knocking about in our relationship at the minute.

Is there?

Oh, yeah, big time.

I did a club night on our 10th wedding anniversary on Saturday.

Oh,

Dave.

Because nothing says love like the Fratellis into the twin.

But did Hannah come?

No.

No, she's looking after three children.

Yes, she was.

And how did she feel about that?

And

did you talk about it in advance?

Exactly.

And this is the key, John.

This was well ahead of the game.

Did you know it was the 10th wedding elevation?

Yes, I did.

And we had stuff planned.

And she says, no, you go and do that because if you do make a little bit of money from it, you'll take her to Centre Parks later in the year.

It all rides on Centre Parks.

It all comes back to CP.

Is Centre Parks the most important bargaining tool in any relationship?

Definitely in hours at the minute.

But what was nice.

You're DJing at Centre Park.

I would as well.

I know you would.

I bloody would.

Put it on that big slide.

It was just, yes, not ideal, but she said, but it's fine.

Come back that night if you can, please.

And the following evening, we'll get a takeaway.

We'll watch a bit of Yellowstone because we can't stop watching Yellowstone.

Yogi Bear?

No.

Kevin Costner and Yellowstone.

And we had a lovely evening last night, and we celebrated it the following night.

So I think

there's comp, it's not, and to be fair, even for, because that is quite a big deal, probably for quite a few couples.

Like, bang on the 10th anniversary,

we will be doing something huge.

Hannah and I aren't really quite like that.

Like, we just, we appreciate it, but we're not, we don't have to be going absolutely mad for it.

So we did it the following night.

Yeah.

Radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance.

Yeah.

And how did Izzy feel about you DJing in the afternoon and the evening and sitting down while you did it?

She was fine.

She's probably glad you sat down.

Because you know what happened the last time you took a fall.

You have to have that ramp put in outside the front door, didn't you?

And we've got the handles in the shower as well.

Were you wearing your alarm round your neck

when you sat down?

No, I was wearing clothes from little ones.

No, for the moment.

From those big Velcro slippers.

People who didn't, yeah, because I rock out in comfort, as Regustar would say.

No, for the people who haven't heard last Fridays, I DJed twice, but by the second time, I was tired, so I sat down and people kept asking if I was all right.

And I was like, I'm fine, I'm just having a sit down and a brainstormers, for God's sake.

He was more than happy playing the Smiths with his little bowl of Imperial Minister.

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

No, I mean, Izzy radically accepts that I don't like organized formal fun,

but

if you spring fun on me, I'm actually much better with that.

So, for instance, my son's best friend lives next door, so he came around to play football because they're both six and they don't like playing football, and he was kids versus adult.

And my son's friend who lives next door said, Will you will you do the talking like you always do?

And I went, What?

Commentary?

And he went, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So obviously, I commentate.

You do, and he loves it because he's six.

What voice do you do when you commentate for the six-year-olds?

So, so the two six-year-olds, my son and his friend, are playing against me, and I've in our back garden, and I've got the ball, and I'd be like, Alex James, 44, surely that will prove significant as he's playing against two six-year-old boys who are in you.

And he's lost control of the ball.

And oh, my God.

1-0 down here in SC-19.

And I just, I do that for hours.

No one is losing out.

No, no, no.

It's good fun.

Well, apart from the neighbours, if they've got the windows open, don't care.

But then I guess it's like hearing an old AM radio drifting across the spring air.

That's radical acceptance.

Is it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've got to accept it.

Stefan James, what a shot for a Stephanie.

Hit the plump pot.

Oh, denied.

Cruelly denied.

Yes.

It's good fun.

And you are good at it.

And I will do it all day.

Yeah.

And I really will.

Tell you what else he'll do all day, Dave.

Oh, that's nice, John.

Sometimes connect with people from Wales.

Oh, Ellis, did our friends, the Magic Geekdom, get in touch with you?

No.

I got a message.

You know, our friends from the Magic Geekdom, who do the YouTube channel about visiting Britain,

America, got a touch to say they are

going to be spending a week in Wales?

Oh, yeah.

Should they be doing the Pembrokeshire Coast or Snowdonia?

Oh, what very different vibes.

As someone who's born in Pembrokeshire, I'm going to say Pembrokeshire Coastal Path.

I said Pembrokeshire Coastal Path.

Barrafundle.

I said listen to Barrafundle by Gorkies to get in the mood.

Oh, my gosh.

Come on again.

Lovely.

They're staying in Airbnb and 10B.

Ah, yes, here, here.

So, would you say just go round the path up to Aberystwyth?

It's massive, yeah.

There we go.

That's what I said.

I love Munt, lovely sort of 11th century chapel there.

Snowdonia is spectacular, though.

Is Snowdonia, the mountain of Snowdonia, the best bits to go to?

Or should you be are there lesser mountains?

Oh, yeah, yeah, there's loads.

It's it's very similar to the Lake District.

Okay.

Yeah, very nice.

Well, we've got to let Ellis James connect not just with our friends who are visiting Wales, but with the Welsh themselves.

And as everyone knows, the Welsh are a connected people.

Google the meaning of the word connection and you are greeted with the following definitions.

One, a relationship in which a personal thing is linked or associated with something else.

Two, an associate of Methodist churches.

Or three, a supplier of narcotics, brackets in formal North America.

Which one Ellis does with his fellow Welsh people is up to you to decide.

Yes, it's time for the Cymru connection.

It's another Cymru connection.

Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

But his questions have one direction.

Where did you go to school?

Do you lo Daffy Devons?

No.

Come on, mate.

You must do.

No, we've

Yes, it's the feature where Mr.

Ellis James is given a maximum of 60 seconds to try and find a connection with a fellow Welsh person.

Last week, Ellis saved face to present a full match losing streak after he made an incisive swift connection with Caller Allison, someone who not only wasn't in her 40s, but crucially, didn't know Ellis's mum.

His connection rate is back up to exactly 50%.

As they say, form is temporary, but half the chance of being able to connect within 60 seconds is permanent.

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello, caller.

Hello, John.

Hello, it's lovely to hear from you.

The next voice you hear will be that of Ellis James.

You know what he's going to say.

Let's get 60 seconds on the clock and see if Ellis James can come reconnect.

Where did you go to school?

Greenland, NB.

Oh, okay.

Um,

Liam Cullen.

No.

Okay, how old are you?

50.

Mark Delaney?

No.

Okay.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, Mark.

Greenhill and...

Did you say Greenhill and Tenby?

Yes.

Scott Mill, who grew up in Lumphi.

No, don't know Scott.

Okay, that's fine, that's fine.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a teacher.

Where?

In Bath.

Ah, okay.

Do you like football or rugby?

Both.

What do you teach?

PE.

Mike Bubbins.

No.

Heaven Elias.

No, sorry.

That's fine.

Roger Thomas, who works at Printawi School in Swansea.

No.

Okay, that's fine.

That guy with a moustache used to be Petey Chanabada.

Okay, you married.

Yes.

I've run out of time.

Ellis, you asked him if he liked football or rugby.

He said yes to both, and then you just said what, moved on.

Because I needed a bunch of people.

You didn't ask him who he supported.

I didn't need a more definite answer.

You didn't ask him, well, why ask the question in the first place?

I don't know.

Oh my good lord.

Yeah, I like both of those things.

The location, see, you seem to be close with the familiarity around the location, at least.

Yeah, well, he grew up in Tenby.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

I didn't grow up in Tenby.

I went to school in Tenby.

Where did you grow up?

Narbuth.

Huge.

It's just like a slight.

It's like a ground dog day, isn't it?

Just like trying to bail out a lifeboat with a sieve, Dave.

Do you want to ask some more questions?

No, I asked you.

You don't want to go on the sun lounger.

Go on the sun lounge.

Because if you don't, you can't ask any more questions.

Okay.

Okay, what?

Go on, Alice.

It's worth it.

Is it?

It's worth it.

There you go.

Okay, fine.

Let's go.

Nathan Schoen, who grew up in Northwest.

No.

Did you...

Yes, I know that.

It's a sad day when the Connectees are guiding him on his own, the game he invented.

Narbuth, Joe Allen's mum and dad.

Yes, Joe Allen's mum and dad.

Whoa!

Joe Allen's dad is my, well, was my dad.

Is he your dentist?

Okay, that's fine.

Okay, well, I've do you know Joe Allen's mum or dad?

I know Jo Allen.

Oh, I'm sorry now.

My sister used to babysit Joe Allen.

Did she really?

Here we go.

So did your...

So you went to Greenhill, but you didn't go to...

Did your sister go to

Prasseli, Kromik?

No, she went to Whitland Grammar.

Whitland Grammar?

How old is she?

She would be...

Oh, she'll kill me for this.

55.

Okay, so she's not going to know Mike Phillips because he went to school in Whitland and me.

But he's from Philip.

I know Mike Phillips.

You know Mike Phillips, okay.

Yeah.

Do you know what?

I don't know him well enough for that to count.

That's very honest.

Why do you pursue the old football or rugby questions that you asked earlier?

Why didn't you?

What football did you support?

Swansea.

Okay.

That feels like a room.

Absolute

Walmart.

So you're going to know Eggie then?

No, I don't know Eggie.

I don't get to any games anymore living this side of the bridge.

But you must have known Eggie.

I mean, he was the hoverford west jacks in the 80s and 90s well then no i would go independently with my dad you see go in i wasn't allowed with a bigger boy with your dad and you weren't allowed with bigger boys that's fine do you know shark or minty

no okay no i don't all right then okay okay

don't know what no mind i'm just gonna say are we at the point where we we ask the connector whether there are any connections are there any other are there any connections that you're aware of did your family worship at Ebenezer Church in Haverford West?

No, Bethesda Baptist in Narbeth.

Bethesda Baptist in Narbeth.

You must have gone to gigs in the Queen Hall.

In the Queen's Hall.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because I've performed at the Queen's Hall and I used to know board members.

Can't connect with a hall.

I can't connect.

Don't tell me I can't connect with a hall, Dave.

Speaking of board members, shall we...

Are there any links you know of?

Yes, yes.

What are they?

My cousins were a couple of years younger than you in school.

Ah, who are they?

The whites?

No, no.

Twins, Sarah and Rhianne Williams, who used to come in from Avluest every day.

Huge.

Is that okay?

Yep, yes.

Do you know who they are?

Okay.

And

Alerie Thomas from Shanginin.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, her next-door neighbor, Gierankt, is a very good friend of mine.

who you used to play out with when you went to visit Alerie by all accounts.

Yes, and Fanginin doesn't have a shop.

No, no, no shops in Flankinin.

Nothing in Flankinin.

Because we used to call my friend Aled Hilla, which means hunting Aled.

Because he didn't have a shop, so he had to hunt fresh food.

There's no shop in Flankini.

So we had to go to, I'm assuming, the spa in St.

Clair's.

So we used to call him Hunting Alid Hilla.

Hunting Aled.

Okay.

You probably know Hunting Aled, actually.

Not off the top of my head.

Okay, all right, fine.

Well, that's very nice.

What's your name, Cola?

It's Kevin.

Kevin, lovely to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Kevin.

There's a few other connections, though, Ellis.

I do know, I used to play rugby with a boy who lived in the farm that had the pile of tires at Femblowing Roundabout.

Yes.

That's it, yeah.

That's huge for me on the way to Narbuth Crematorium, which is the best creme.

Where my mum used to work.

It's the best.

It's the best creme in West Wales, if you ask me.

There we go.

It's the only creme in West Wales.

Well, there's the one in Fletchley,

but that's new, and I personally love fan.

But anyway,

nice to meet you, Kevin.

I really enjoyed

it, even though it's adversely affected my stats.

Thank you, Kevin, for joining us.

That was very, that was very

entertaining, especially to hear about Hunter.

What's his name?

Alid Hala, Hunting Aled.

Hunter never gets a switch.

But Kevin, thank you for calling in.

Unfortunately,

there's a link to you, John.

Oh, please go ahead.

So, my first teaching job was

in the other school in Thornbury.

Ah, not technically in Thornbury then, is it?

Well, okay, but it used to be Thornbury Grammar School many years ago.

Did it really?

So, Mulwood?

Yes.

The other place.

Where Tony Blair's father-in-law went to school.

Yes.

Really?

yes, Tony Booth.

Oh, from what was his conversation?

He was in Till Death is Dupart, was he?

I can't remember.

So, what did you teach there, PE?

I taught PE there, and I used to be in the Knot of Rope every Thursday night for the quiz.

Oh, right.

Well, you probably, do you know some of the PE teachers at Castle School?

I do, yes.

Mr.

Carter,

Mr.

Carter, who had a Sierra R.

S.

Cosworth.

Ice wine.

No, no, no.

No, I used to go drink it with.

No, no, I used to go drinking with Lloyd Spacey.

Yes, I remember Mr.

Spacey.

He started just before I left.

He's still there.

Is he really?

Good lord.

Yes.

Good for him.

Good lord and good for him.

Good lord and good for him.

Well, thank you, Kevin.

We got there in the end.

Yeah, thanks, Kevin.

Mate.

Well, thank you very much.

Cheers, Mr.

Paul.

Kevin,

is it Mr.

Morris?

It is, yes.

Mr.

Morris.

Yes, Master, Masterman.

So I've been looking at the screen and I wasn't too sure.

But Mr.

Morris used to teach me at Brammel High School.

What?

What?

What?

Kevin is on the front.

Yeah.

You dare Mr.

Morris?

I was, yes.

For my sins, I used to teach Dave at Brammel.

What is Dave like?

Great use of For My Sins, by the way.

What was Dave like to teach?

Wow.

He was the model student.

It pains me to say.

No, he was absolutely

fantastic.

But he was on binge Britain Booze Nation 3.

No, that was...

This was before he'd found the grape and the grape.

See out, yes.

Did all the girls fancy him?

Because he was so fast.

They couldn't catch him.

But he hides his light under a bushel.

He was part of a very, very successful rugby team that got to Twickenham as well.

Dave, you played at Twickenham!

I was on the bench at Twickenham.

It was very kind of Mr.

Morris to make it sound like I actually had anything.

Mr.

Morris, did Dave used to come up to you and go, Mr.

Morris, Mr.

Morris, how do I run dead, dead fast?

Can you make me run really fast?

Like a racket.

Well, actually, I didn't run fast.

So the Bramall High School rugby team, we, I suppose, were the second best team in the country because we got beat in the final.

Greece.

But we got to the Daly Mail Schools Cup final, which is the national rugby tournament.

In England.

And I think we were the first state school to get to the

final.

Absolutely correct.

Yeah, yeah, we were.

So it was.

But you talk about the speed and the pace.

I actually got dropped for a wing that they bought in from the year below to play on the wing.

It's kind of new.

A ringer winger.

A ringer winger.

Chris White from the Year Below nicknames.

You worried.

Guiltiest charge.

No, it wasn't my decision, honest, Your Honour.

But in the other team, who was Wellington College, was James Haskell, who was playing at number eight, the England International.

Can you imagine what damage he'd do today these days?

I mean, if he was playing against kids, I'd be right

in them.

I'd want a risk assessment.

Yes.

Well, Mr.

Morris, this is just connections left, right?

Centre.

This is incredible.

Oh, lovely to lovely to speak to you, Mr.

Morris.

It's been years ago,

so it's been lovely.

It has.

And there was a case.

Thank you, James.

This is incredible stuff.

Dave, the model student.

Well, thank you, Kevin.

There'll be another comedy connection next week.

Well, what a treat it was to speak to Mr.

Morris.

That's lovely.

I bet you were a model student.

You're dead dead fast.

Aren't you well-behaved?

I was a fairly well-behaved boy at the age of 15, yeah.

And he was a very good teacher.

I was just chatty.

I talked too much.

Yeah.

That was my issue in school.

Yeah.

Good times.

And I used to stare out the window and look at the contractors.

Well, speaking of...

imagine a different life, speaking of talking too much, we've got a guest coming into the show.

So let's reset.

Let's grab a second, let's center ourselves and set the scene for this week's Call a Comedium.

John Grisham explores the dark side of the criminal justice system in his number one New York Times bestseller, written with innocence advocate Jim McCloskey, Framed, 10 True Stories of Innocent People Framed for Murder.

In Framed, you'll be astonished as you witness the incompetence, racism, and corruption that all play a part in the miscarriage of justice.

And you'll be inspired as you witness these wrongfully convicted people fight for freedom against all odds.

Read Framed by John Grisham and Jim McCloskey.

In stores now.

Also available as an audiobook.

Right, then, everyone, it's always nice to have a bit of company, isn't it?

Yes.

To shake things up and not have to look at your sorry old sour faces all the live-long day.

Good lord.

But we've got a treat in the studio because it's a bright sparkle of Harriet Kemsley.

Hello.

That's nice.

Thanks for having me.

How are you doing, Harriet?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Thank you.

You are all over the place right now.

I know.

Oh.

You've become a little bit channel five.

Yeah, you'd be good.

I would be good, actually, Dave.

The spin was good.

The way you spun on your chair, when you said it, you kind of leaned.

Yeah, it was nice.

Tell us about the Amazon show that everyone's talking about right now.

Lord of the Rings.

Lord of the Rings.

Lord of the Rings, yeah.

Yeah,

Last One Laughing.

Big shout.

You want me to tell you about it?

Every episode, you have big shit.

Just a synopsis of that.

The idea is you don't laugh.

So you go in, there's all these

very funny comics, and you have to try and not laugh at them.

And it's crazy.

I would be terrible at that because I am a great audience member.

Yes.

So if you've ever got press in or you need someone, you should have seen me when John did Howl at the Apollo.

Applause breaks.

In all the wrong places.

In all the wrong places.

There I am on stage, tears streaming down my face.

I was whooping.

Bravo, he's shouting.

Bravo.

Hilarious.

He's shouting.

He's in tears.

Love it.

I would be superb at that show.

It wasn't asked, and that's fine.

Would be superb.

Stony faced.

Yeah.

Have you ever laughed?

Not very often.

I did a Charlotte Bike ride with Lee Trundle, and Lee Trundle laughed.

Sorry, he used to play football for Swansea City.

Yeah, I did.

I did.

Sorry,

he does sound like a children's TV show.

Yeah, it does sound like a reality.

He used to play football for Swansea City, and he laughed at every one of my jokes for 10 hours.

I had a 10-hour great gig.

Wow.

Well, I said this last week.

As I was seconding, I thought, God, this is what an audience can be like.

Yeah.

If only they invest.

John would be very good.

He would win it.

He would be very good at that, sure.

Who were the, could you like rank the three hardest people to avoid laughing at?

Richard Ayoadi was so good because he was just like on the front foot and he had no fear.

Like he wasn't going to break.

It was like...

the man had no joy.

It was just...

Well, that's sort of his vibe on power show.

It's his vibe.

And he came in with this energy that was just like, I'm going to get you.

And he'd start to like chase you a bit, and you'd have to like run because I'm not good at doing two things at once, so I couldn't like not laugh.

And Engage, I was just having like a panic attack for like the whole show, basically, just like trying to avoid people.

And he would chase, so he was bad.

Lou was like an assassin, like, she just because Lou's like, like, we're both quite big laughers, but I thought Lou would be like terrible at it, but she was so good, and she was so good at like getting everybody, like, she was so funny.

Um, I thought Rob Beckett was very good, because I was really, I've always heard Rob being more of a laugher, so I thought he would just...

His face, if you, some of the clips, his face is very

Rob getting a bit of a break on TV as well.

Give the boy a chance.

You don't hear from the guy for two years

and then suddenly

and he's been hard at work.

He has.

He's been beavering away.

He didn't have to travel anywhere, I guess.

He could just stay in one place.

Daisy May Cooper, I've seen lots of her sort of stuff.

She's very funny, yeah.

Her face is so good.

And if someone laughs, you're then allowed to laugh, aren't you?

When the light's red, yeah, it goes like da-da-da-da, and then everyone can laugh and just kind of shake it off a bit.

And then you have to reset.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can I ask just one more question on it?

Because I've seen that.

Dave loves this show.

I did.

Well, we all do.

As do the Welsh women's football team.

I worked with them last week and they all watch it in training.

Oh, yeah.

Did anyone ever go too far?

And

were there any edits that were made when people almost tried too hard and maybe over

the yeah and it's no tickling it'd be all right wouldn't it yeah but i don't think anyone tickled i had an idea about before it about having like a tickling stick and like tickling people but i don't care

just tickling people from across the room but i wasn't allowed to do it as a big laugher i think i would find it i think i'd get a headache at the end it was so by the end i was like completely manic it was i think it's taken years off my life like i was like internalizing so much yeah i started to make noises near the end of like a kind of

reverse laugh.

I was like sucking it back in again.

People have different facial tensing sort of activities they used to stop.

There was a lot of sweets and stuff because when I went to watch John's hilarious show about alcoholism,

if I hadn't been allowed to laugh like a drain at that, I think I would have felt ill at the end.

But as it stands, he was doing gas canisters in the stores

to clear up

16 of those little cream supply cannabis.

It was very funny.

But I was obviously allowed to laugh because I was at the Yammers Mithapolo.

If someone had said, right, Elle, you can't laugh.

But then the problem is that's what makes you want to laugh more.

That's how you're doing.

The older

important school assembly principle.

You'd have to go into a perpetual football anecdote.

Like just a minute, but for football anecdotes.

And I think you could do that.

Yeah.

You could do that in your head.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, just talk about...

Will's beaten Germany in 1991.

One million rush.

Anyway, Harriet, we've got a question for you to solve.

Oh, no.

In our regular feature, call a comedian, semi-regular.

Irregular.

Call a comedian.

Who'd you call if your boyfriend's lazy?

Hella, there, boyfriend.

Who'd you call if your bum goes crazy?

My bum going crazy now.

Don't call a scout leader.

No, no.

Don't call a dog breeder.

No, no, no.

Call a comedian.

That's right, Harriet.

It's called a comedian.

What did you make of the jingle?

I really liked it.

I just remember, did you have like a character that was like a lady or something?

Like a lady, no?

know, because once on a train journey, you just did like this lady.

Oh, I did, yes, I did used to do that.

Yeah, yeah.

You did like the whole train journey.

Yes, I did.

I forgot about that.

Did Ellis do a character as a lady for an entire train journey?

No, no, it was a lady

who sang at me on a train journey once when I was very drunk.

Oh, that was in your Edinburgh show.

Yes, it must have been.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But no, no, it was not based on that.

It's just based on my general love of 1960s soul music.

Ah, nice.

He's like kind of six feet from stardom kind of vibe.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, Harriet, here is your problem.

And this is from our listener, Lizzie.

Lizzie says, I'm returning to dating a year after leaving my husband of eight years, who suffered from a chronic case of not being a laugh.

I'm in my early 40s and recently met a stunning gentleman, a yachtsman of all things.

However, after being initially vague about his age, I found him on LinkedIn and it's fair to say he would have been hashtag born under Blair.

Is this too young?

Or should I throw caution to the trade winds and sail the seven seas on HMS Toy Boy?

What is age anyway?

I guess Blair was in for quite a while, so I guess it depends if it's early Blair or late Blair.

He could be 28.

Well, the maximum is 28, isn't it?

And the minimum...

Not quite because it was May, wasn't it?

So we're coming up to...

Oh, I suppose it's April now.

Yeah, 20.

Yeah, 28.

So maximum is 28.

Min is...

Well, I would imagine he's in his 20s.

She's in her 40s.

What are your thoughts?

She's in her 40s.

And he could be 22.

Yeah, he's 18.

Let's assume.

Let's assume he's not 18.

Yeah, okay, we'll assume he's in his 20s.

I'm going to say, for argument's sake, he's a 25-year-old yachtsman.

Yeah.

25-year-old scorcher.

25-year-old scorcher with the salt winds in his skin.

So he looks older because of the...

Oh, aged.

Because he's

sort of wind of working and his souwester makes him look quite older.

He's a yachtsman I guess.

Does he own a yacht or he like works on a yacht?

I think he works on a yacht.

He's a bit young to own a yacht I guess.

The way she speaks is quite like

quite like

older.

Like all the

like sea references and stuff, like it's quite like she's

she's being light-hearted.

She's being light-hearted, yes, but that's very much like a older sense of humour, I guess.

So I hope maybe he has like an old sense of the other.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Like the sea pirates.

They make jokes about seafairing.

Is that true?

I don't know.

It's just like, maybe it's, yeah, maybe I don't know how much they're going to have in common.

Maybe he likes that.

What do you think?

Do you think he likes that?

Is the age gap a problem, I guess you say?

Well, I mean, it's difficult to know, isn't it?

I think it's probably fine.

It depends, like, if what they want from life.

Like, we've got to go deep here.

Like, what do they want?

Like,

if they just want to, like, travel at sea.

Is that a problem?

I'm guessing after she's broken up with her husband, she doesn't want anything particularly funny.

And he wasn't a laugh.

She wants to have a laugh.

You can't be with someone who's not a laugh.

And you can't.

You've got to be with them.

Also, I've got to be a laugh on a yacht.

You've got to be a laugh on a yacht.

You're not sitting on a yacht being serious, you?

I think a lot of people are, though.

Like, I don't know if people that are on yachts are that fun.

You want the captain to be serious.

Yeah.

You don't want a wacky captain on a yacht.

No, no, no.

You're sort of approaching an iceberg.

He's like, oh, will we, won't we?

Yeah, you don't want to be.

Say, won't we?

I think, great, have fun.

I don't know if it's going to be forever, but maybe it will be, you know, like love across the divide.

Well, life's not going to be forever, is it?

Well, that is true.

Yeah.

I mean, more so for her.

Like, she's going to explain it.

Yeah.

Yeah, but women die first, so actually, maybe they'll even out.

No, no, I think women's life expectancies are longer than men.

Oh, that's what I meant.

That's what I meant, yeah.

I meant men die first, so they might end up around the same.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I think it's quite a big difference, I think.

20 years, yeah, especially if you're unmarried.

No, I'm talking about in terms of life expectancies, it's about two or three years.

I thought it's a little bit more than that, but anyway, still, it is.

I think if you're unmarried, you go way longer than if you're married to a man.

I think specifically, it brings it brings it down.

Maybe we're dwelling on Lizzie's death more than her life.

Sorry, Lizzie.

Yes, okay, no.

I say, go for it, Lizzie.

Have fun.

Do it.

You've been chained to this not a laugh man for a while.

Get out there.

Hanker and splice the main brace and hang out in the crow's nest, for goodness sake.

For God's sake, there's a fair wind on the starboard bow, etc.

And secure the boatswain's jigger, if I may be so bold.

Yeah, yeah.

And yeah, yeah, and you know, do be careful.

Yeah, do enjoy the bunk beds.

Enjoy the bunk beds.

Which I'm assuming is what they have on yachts.

I've been on a yacht.

Well, thank you very much, Lizzie, for your question.

Hope you enjoy your travels.

Harriet, podcasts.

What are they?

I don't know.

I'm missed clear after being on this one, I would say.

We're sort of playing with the four.

No one else is doing this has become a kind of maxim for the show where no one else does this.

Yeah.

So what is

your credit score out of interest?

What's my credit score?

It's gone down.

It's gone down.

It was good.

And then now it's

been on Amazon.

Yes, it's been on Amazon.

It's really gone down.

Do they do a hard search when you go on Last One Laughing?

Hard search, yeah.

Yeah, no, why are you asking?

John.

Because it's poor.

Just to stay relevant.

We're on our demographic.

John's obsessed with it.

Yeah.

You have a podcast as well, I guess.

Yes, I have a podcast as well, which actually, Liz, you should listen to.

Yeah, it's called Single Ladies in Your Area.

Now then, this sounds like it could be up my street because there are single ladies in my area, but they're all 75 plus.

Yeah, because this is because it's rural bucks.

Yeah.

A lot of them own their own homes.

Yeah.

Outright.

Yeah, good credit scores, I bet.

They have.

And, you know, they've got regular income from the state.

So, what do you cover on single ladies in your area?

Yeah, we're not up to, we haven't done much on pensions, but it's

less pension chat.

It's like, so me and Amy Gledhill, you both know, very funny lady.

We both found ourselves single after long-term relationships, and we'd never done like the dating apps or anything.

So, oh, what apps are you on?

I'm on like three of them, but I'm really bad at them.

I'm on LinkedIn, Facebook,

and the BBC website.

And it is going brilliantly, we're going to say.

no i've gone i've gone hinge um uh bumble and riah but i'm not having luck on any of them so so what are as um you know you're a tv personality you're in amazon's big show thank you are you do you get scared about people recognizing you on on like bumble and hinge and stuff that um

i think instagram has gone a bit crazy um so but then it feels like maybe it's safer to meet someone on that than from instagram maybe

um because then it feels more like a level playing field.

Yeah, yeah, because I don't know how, like,

I don't know if you just replied to anyone there, but

it is a bit weird.

I get, I've been getting a lot of messages saying, um,

ping-pong balls straight away.

Why, why?

Because on the show, I do a thing with ping-pong balls, which I maybe in hindsight didn't think through.

Um, because I think a lot of men think that I can do what I did on the show with the ping-pong balls.

And I'd just like to clarify I can't, but that I have never tried.

Um, yeah, I, yeah, yeah, were they spring-loaded?

How did

it work?

They built a really good contraption, yeah.

It's very good, it's good.

Um, yeah, so I think that has confused things a little bit.

Um, are you on the apps?

Are you single?

I am single, yeah, and I

will remain Pontius Robbins.

Yeah, yeah, John's actually having sex with his credit rating.

Well, your credit rating is really good, or it's really bad.

That's what you like.

Bit of both over the last couple of weeks.

It's been a roller coaster.

But I think I would be too,

I just, I would feel very exposed.

Yeah.

I don't know how much people care.

I don't know.

I know.

Well, I've internalised my shame.

Have you not internalised your shame?

Oh, no, I put it out there.

Oh, that's the best.

I just share it out.

Yeah,

you've got to get it out.

Yeah.

Well, so

what do you chat about on the show without?

So we're mainly, I think a lot of dating podcasts are kind of like very like successful daters or people that are like really confident or people who aren't actually single pretending to be single.

That's true.

100%.

Yeah.

What you know though.

Ask me no secrets, I'll tell you no lies.

Wait, what's that also?

So I don't know.

You're going to tell me that.

What are we asking though?

I know of people who provide a lot of dating

content.

Yeah.

Who have got a secret little partner?

Ask me no secrets.

I'll tell you no lies.

Said it again.

No one puts baby.

What does it mean?

He's just saying phrases.

Yeah.

I can lead a horse to water, but will I make it drink?

Don't know.

Someone said something fantastic the other day, so I can't say it.

Carry on.

Someone said something fantastic.

That is great content.

You are a great podcast for well.

That does lead me to ask the question I was going to ask.

Yes.

What if either of you became not single?

Not a risk.

That's risk that everyone was worried about when we started.

They're like, it's going to be a short podcast, but we're starting season two and it's all fine.

Well, Dave, you've been burned by that, haven't you?

What's that?

There's someone creating content who unfortunately could no longer create the content because their relationship status changed.

It happens.

It happens.

Exactly.

That's not an equation for crying out loud

they don't teach it in university

this probably is a course yeah probably is a course

but actually if you did

by professor robbins

module one

breakups

So we're coming towards our finals and we've only done breakups in the last three years.

But I think you could pull up if you if you were to find yourself lucky in love,

you could still host that podcast, I think.

Could you not?

Yeah, there'd be a way, wouldn't there?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's a lovely idea.

Yeah, I'm sure it will happen.

Yeah, yeah, because then I think it's good because then you can kind of talk to people through that.

But I think I wouldn't want to share too much about like an actual relationship.

It's mainly the jokes on us.

Do you have to, like, if you go on a date and it goes really well, are you thinking this is going to be great on the podcast?

Haven't had that risk.

So, what do you talk about?

Do you talk about hypothetical dates?

Hypothetical relationships.

No, you could talk about being sick.

There's single ladies in your area.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Celebrating singledom.

Yeah, yeah.

No, it is sad because we are trying.

We are trying to go on dates.

We've done 20 episodes.

Amazing.

I can't wait to listen to this.

Oh, my God.

Have you got a

sally chart or something of dates?

No, well,

I've been on a couple of days, but it just doesn't go anywhere.

But the joke is always kind of on us

unless they're kind of a bit awful.

But yeah,

it's not at risk so far.

I can't wait to listen to this because I haven't...

I've been with Izzy since 2010.

The last time I went on a date...

The last time I went on a date with someone who wasn't Izzy, my phone didn't have a camera.

Yeah, same man.

Yeah.

So it's just.

This is it.

It's so different.

We found ourselves single.

We're like, we don't know how to do this.

And then the dating app thing, like, Amy set up her hinge on the podcast, and it is just like so excruciating.

Like, the whole thing is so embarrassing.

Like, um, just setting up a profile, not trying to sell yourself.

It's like, I have an idea for a dating app.

Oh, yeah.

And you can talk about this, take it to the show if you like.

Okay.

So your profile, it's like trust pilot it has to be written by your exes oh

oh my god but that could be a real

i mean it's an open goal for revenge well exactly so you don't have to put it up but this the thing is like you you get a real like warts and all honest so ideally you'd want to pick you know some exes who you maybe still had some level of you wouldn't necessarily pick the most toxic relationship you'd been in but if you had three exes who said who said, like, well, this is the plus side, and this is why we broke up.

Yeah.

And this is my side of the story, it gives you a full picture of somebody.

He's got nice shoulders, he's emotionally distant.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Bad in bed, but makes a good breakfast.

He's superb at word games, but the sex trider, you know, just as an example.

Just as an example, Dave.

No, yeah, I don't know about that.

I don't know if that's how you want to start.

You know what I mean?

I don't know if you want to start a relationship from the old relationship.

But I think it's refreshing for people who are sick of trawling through like men, especially who are just making the same mistakes again and again.

And they're like,

because in your 30s and 40s.

For them, I think that is, rather than start this whole app thing, I think they should go to therapy.

Well, maybe, maybe an app for people who are in therapy.

And your therapist has to say they've attended this many sessions.

They don't share any personal info, but say, Yeah, I've seen, I'm qualified, here are my qualifications,

and I've seen this person, you know, 80 sessions, 12 sessions, whatever.

And they've still got a lot more to do.

Yeah,

you can have a little, like, like on Experian where the thing goes from red to green.

Yes, a credit score as to how datable they are.

This is how far they've got to go on their journey of understanding.

That's a good idea.

That's a good idea, yeah.

A credit score of how dateable they are.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's hunky, but he's amber.

Hunky but amber.

Hunky but amber.

What a risk.

Yeah, do you go for yeah, do you go for the stable versus the looks?

Yeah, it's kind of it's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it sounds like phenomenal stuff.

Harriet, thank you so much for joining us.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you for coming into the studio.

We really appreciate your time.

And we wish you all the best with your final tour show.

Thank you.

Sold out.

And if you're listening in Australia made,

then get on down to the harbour.

Excuse me, have you got tickets for Harriet Kelmsley, please?

If you haven't got tickets for Harriet Kelmsley yet, I recommend you go and see her because she's a really exciting comedian.

There's a single lady I'd like to watch perform comedy of Harriet something or other.

There she is.

She's back

at the lady from the train.

Harriet,

where are you playing in Sydney?

I get out there as often as I can.

I'm playing the Edmore Comedy Club on the 8th, 9th, 10th, and 11th of May.

Oh, get out there, Chucks.

If you're listening in Australia, go and see Harriet there.

Take a few tinnies with you for the journey.

Are you doing any more gigs in Australia?

Is that different?

Yes.

That's my Melbourne.

That's my Melbourne.

Yeah, that's my Melbourne.

No.

That's fine.

Best of luck, Harriet.

We wish you all the best.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

Now, here at Alice and John, both Dave and I recognise that John is a winner.

He's one of those people who just racks up lots of

in the win column of Lifestyle Chart.

However, we also accept, and he accepts, that he's fallible.

So let's find out just how fallible in John wins again.

Wins again,

wins again.

Okay, I'm gonna need you guys with your scoring clickers because we've got a lot of seesaws.

So, this is only the second time we've done this.

We're just tallying up the W's and L's, aren't we, John?

We are tallying the W's and L's.

So, I need you like counting on both hands.

Because my life is a roller coaster, Dave.

It is.

Every enormous high is under the shadow of a terrible cloud.

And every low, low, low, you know, I find a quiz.

It's a mountainous peak that's foggy.

Exactly.

So first off, we start with today.

Whoa.

Because I've walked into the studio on the back of a win because I went to the cafe to see if they still had salads.

They said no.

I thought about buying a pastry with my coffee.

I decided against it.

And they gave me one for free.

That's a win.

That's a win.

Because it was the end of the day.

And I shared it with the two of you.

Very nice.

So we've kind of, we're chalk your wins down as well.

Joxy win.

We're winning.

Josie win.

As discussed, I acted in my first ever erotic film,

but I wasn't allowed access to the nude scenes due to it being a closed set.

So that's a lot.

That's a lot.

However, David, this is why we've got to be on the ball.

That left the snack table unmanned.

And no one's going to be at the snack table if

they're acting in a nude scene.

So in a series of short journeys, I was able to smuggle out five packets of Maltese, six six individually wrapped twirls, three packets of salt and vinegar proper chips, and four tubes of Smarties and two Diet Coats.

I'll see you until tomorrow, won't it?

I did.

Very few of them made the car journey home, to be honest with you.

Get him in me!

How are you getting away with that?

Every time you walk past, you just go, oh, yeah, I quite fancy a bag of Maltese.

It involves a lot of acting, actually.

Yeah, exactly.

Far better than what I was doing on camera.

But you think, oh, I fancy a Maltese and a twirl.

And, you know, it's the sound guy who's seen you doing that, and that's okay.

The next time you go back and you go, oh, do you know what?

I could just do with some smarties and a bag of proper chips.

Pet me up, pet me up.

Yeah.

But it can't be near the sound guy.

No, not near the sound guy.

It's near the key grip, Dave.

Right.

So the next time you go past, oh, do you know what?

I could just murder right now.

A Diet Coke and a blooming Maltese.

But you make sure you're next to the casting director, Dave.

Because as long as no individual journey is more than you would be expected to take.

And no one's telling anyone else about that.

Yes, it feels normal.

Because he's not acting like Billy Bunter.

No, he's not.

And also, you can black out the window into your room to say that you're getting changed.

Whereas actually, what you're doing is just stuffing normal teasers into your bag, Dave.

And that is the behaviour of a serial winner.

Yes.

John wins again.

It's the name of the feature.

Next up, Elephant in the Room.

After a series of...

Just the naked arrival again.

No.

After a series of direct messages to someone much higher up in Experion than I thought, I've got a perfect credit score of 999.

Well done.

Win.

We got there.

That's a win.

I've finally written a will, which is a win for my beneficiaries.

Okay.

Oh, great.

That's definitely a proxy win.

That's a proxy win.

Also, it's off my to-do list, because that's been on my to-do list for a long time.

Thanks for the sportage, by the way.

Should you cock it?

Don't

joke about what you don't know.

Is he getting the sportage?

Who knows?

Who knows?

And I can sell the Volkswagen barrel of eggs.

Someone might be walking out of a very sad day with a Kier Sportage and two bespoke leather Freddie Mercury jackets.

Imagine if I delivered the eulogy through my tears.

I drive the sportage and just revving away.

Well, you could deliver the eulogy with your wheels down.

Wheels spinning out an Arbeth Creme.

Yes.

Yeah, in the gravel.

That's where we'll do it, in the gravel.

And I found a song I really like called Daydreaming by Dark, Dark, Dark.

A band I'd not heard of who I then worked out got their title from a T.S.

Eliot poem because I'm really clever.

Great.

John, you're smashing it.

We haven't got to the losses, Dave.

Where are we on?

What are the scores?

It was 5-1.

We had got to one loss.

What was the one loss?

It was not

being able to see the nude scenes on the rostics that's a big big l at the minute go on carry on man that's a proxy loss for me as well because you could have described it

um because he does paint pictures with his words okay

so did my third park run

however

looking back at my park run record i realized it was my third in three years i'm averaging one a year and I

was convinced I'd beaten my best time because of how fast I ran And then I realised that I've not only not beaten my best time, I was a minute off my best time because I'm doing so few park runs that I'm having to factor in aging.

Ah.

I've actually, I'm losing 30 seconds a year of my life.

Yeah.

Which is quite stark.

I don't know if I can take this as a loss, John.

I think it's possible.

It's consistent.

I also think it's positive you did it.

I've never done a park run.

I can't give you a loss for getting up off your ass going for a run.

Oh, I agree.

Really?

I don't think that's a loss at all.

at all.

I thought that was a loss.

Also, no chance.

Comedian Paul Tonkinson did a sub-three-hour marathon at 50.

Yeah, but I'm going the wrong way.

He's doing the marathon de Sable at the moment.

Yes.

What a nutcase.

All the best to Paul, obviously.

But I wouldn't blame the aging.

I think that's just practice.

You can get

running in between.

Yeah, but you had your bad boys.

And also, sometimes you just have a bad date.

Okay.

Well, it's not up to me.

It's not up to you.

I'm not going to do it.

One a year is not a representative enough sample.

So if you were doing even one a month, we'd have a better insight into things.

Well, we have the aforementioned knocking four minutes off my seven four and a half minutes off my seven and a half K time

during a low mood.

That I take.

That I take.

So is that a win?

That's a win.

Big time.

Sorry, but that's a win.

Well,

here we get into the dark, dark, dark, dark depths.

I hope it's not more than five.

I have had my eyes on some bone conducting headphones for some time.

What does that mean?

Are they the ones at the front?

Yeah, they're the ones at the front.

They look like they're from the future.

They look like they're from the future, and I think they are.

Would they be embarrassing to wear?

No.

So they...

You can either get in-ear ones like we're wearing, but just imagine if they sat there and they play music through the bones in your skull.

So what that means is you can hear traffic and your breath and footsteps, and

you can also hear the stuff going on, right?

that's insane yeah oh man so i've i put them in my basket on amazon and john lewis and i thought john we're gonna hold why

because i've got a little i've got a little extension app on google chrome which tells me the price things have been in the past on amazon okay and i knew that these had historically been at average 10 pounds cheaper and at their lowest 25 pounds cheaper so i'm waiting ellises so there's wiggled room there yeah How's you going to leave something in your basket for?

Forever.

Yeah, can you?

Yeah.

And you track it, Dave, using an app I'm going to tell you about afterwards.

Oh, that feels like a win.

So, obviously, your Black Fridays, your Christmas, your Boxing Day sales, yada, yada, yada, bish, bash, bosh.

They drop the price.

I wait.

I wait.

I wait.

Weeks.

I'm waiting.

Check in every day.

interminably waiting.

Easter sale?

Wow.

I finally think, John, just buy the headphones, mate.

Oh, no.

You like running.

You want to be able to hear your breath.

You want to hear music through your bones.

You want to hear music through your bones.

You want to be able to hear traffic.

You want to be able to hear bird song for crying out loud.

The shriek of a pheasant

as you're running at the cluck of a newborn chick.

Where are you?

Where are you going running?

Running through a farm without permission.

I'm jumping the gate.

I'm hopping over pigs, Dave.

I'm living my life.

We're being shot at by I-Rate Farmers.

So I buy it

the next morning.

The next morning.

The next morning I get a notification.

The price has dropped.

How much?

25 quid.

25 quid.

25.

It's huge.

25 big ones.

25 big ones.

On an Easter sale.

Who has an Easter sale apart from the Lord?

Yeah.

What's going on?

I mean, back in the Lent era, chocolatiers.

Exactly, chocolatiers in the Lent era.

Pre-Lent chocolatiers.

Trying to get in the mad pre-Lent rush.

That's massive.

So I've spent full whack on a pair of bone-conducting headphones.

That's fine.

I mean, it is.

No, no, it's a lot of fun.

Is it any wonder I'm losing 30 seconds a year if I'm so off my game that I'm not I haven't got the the resilience

the determination to hold hold hold this to what this reminds me of like when you knocked over that glass and then shouted at yourself John this isn't you

you've made a you've made made a it wasn't a glass, it was a it was a saucepan lid that shattered.

It was a glass saucepan lid that shattered.

And it wasn't me.

I don't know who that crazy guy was.

John, you're well up here.

25.

So what's the 6-2?

Do you know, I'll take that.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

I'll take 6-2 in a week.

Oh, aggregate.

That's a

healthy, healthy score.

Okay, good.

The good.

I needed that.

But do you know what's nice there?

We switched around what you thought was a loss, and we've we've explained to you why that wasn't a loss and it was actually a win.

It's a little thing called perspective, isn't it, Dave?

Isn't it just?

So we've actually got a role to play here.

It's radical, it's radical acceptance.

Yes.

It's seeing things for what they are, Dave.

Yeah.

Good.

Okay, we're good.

We're good.

We're good.

We're good.

Fun little feature.

It's a bit of fun.

It's a bit of fun.

And you're feeling better off the back of it.

I don't mind fun.

No.

Do you know what?

I think we need to record on a Monday more often.

Yeah.

I'm in a better mood on a Monday.

I get the Friday blues, Dave.

Do you?

They're not a thing.

Have I said that before?

I get the Friday blues when I'm.

The Friday feeling is universally regarded as positive.

I get the opposite of the Friday.

I get the Friday blues, which people in commercial radio, as a rule, don't experience.

Do you know what?

It might be.

It might be that as a stand-up...

of 20 years, your weekend, your working week begins on a Friday.

Yeah, but it doesn't.

It ends on a Friday and I leave to go home just as everyone's arriving at the pubs that I have to walk past and then get on a train on my own to go home on my own and live.

Okay, well, let me get the patally shot back on.

Not that that's a problem.

Well, no.

No.

Partical acceptance.

Well, for a living.

I'm, you know, my choice to live alone.

For your mood, then.

Should we start recording Wednesday, 3 a.m.?

Wednesday through.

Wednesday morning, 3am.

Yeah.

The Simon and Garfunkel song.

You're also.

It helped with the studio bookings as well.

Yes.

We're not up against help.

I sexed my boss at 3am on a Wednesday.

No.

No.

Unless one of their orgies was overrun.

But they're usually having the carpet steam cleaned overnight, aren't they?

Dave?

You know, like on planes when they run through with the aerosols.

Steam cleaner week.

Some poor bloke in a hazmat suit going, oh my god, there's an axe again.

Like that guy who had to clean your car.

He walked up the street.

He told me, I walked up the street, muttering to myself, please, God, let it not be that car.

And it was.

I said, sorry, sorry.

Yeah, Monday evening records, Dave.

It's what I'm all about now.

That's the future.

And I want a punch bag in here.

Okay.

And protein shakes.

You want a coffee machine, don't you?

Yes, I do want a coffee machine.

And when I suggested we get one, Dave said I'd have to work out whether it's good for the business.

I didn't say good for the business, John.

Do you want me to find the exact quote?

Because it was worse than that.

I wouldn't.

As if I was suggesting we open up a Japanese office.

Do you know what I didn't write?

And I was meant to.

There's a shell company to open up a property portfolio.

Come on.

Does it make sense from a business perspective?

Come on, let's do audio always Helsinki, Dave, for God's sake.

Oh, it'd be lovely over there, wouldn't it?

No, I just I thought you two were so far beyond what most people find as an acceptable coffee that an espresso machine or others i'm sure there's blooming others was a probably not where your head was at i was thinking that you wanted a big bloody barista pro

in the corner of the room though i've got to say did you see james hoffman's april fools video No, I didn't.

It's very good.

Is he into pranks, Hoffman?

Well, do you know what?

It's done well enough that

I accept the prank.

What is it?

Go on YouTube and look up James Hoffman's morning coffee routine.

So James Hoffman is a coffee expert that we've had on the show.

On the show, yeah.

Yeah, lovely guy.

As Daniel Kitzer said, the world's greatest coffee communicator.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, we'll see you back next Monday then, won't we, Dave?

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe.

Monday, Monday.

I found it.

I'm like Friday.

I'm going to bounce out of here with my 6-2-win-loss ratio.

It's very different to Fridays.

It's different to Fridays.

This could be huge for us.

This could be big.

Are you drinking again?

You need to have a crunchy on a Friday.

Get that Friday feeling.

Friday feeling.

Because that gives me a massive crash.

We'll have another.

Just keep eating them.

Just keep eating them.

I've already eaten a third of an almond thing and a load of Tony's chocolate only.

And I also had two bags of Malteses and a 12 today.

Oh,

about a thousand cals.

I'm going to go and eat some cockles.

Are you?

I love cockles.

Yeah, I buy them every week from the market.

Do you?

Can you get cockles from the supermarket?

You can, but they're in a

vinegar and they become a bit gritty.

I feel like I could be a cockle guy.

I get them in.

I can fade this down,

I think.

I get them from a supermarket in vinegar if I'm in desperate need, but if I'm passing the market on a Saturday, I get fresh cockles.

What's the price range like for a cockle these days?

I'm paying £5 a tub.

Five pounds.

I'm right at the end, and they're basically giving them away for two.

Five pounds cockles.

Five quid a tub.

Charge five quid a tub in Morcom, mate.

Good luck bloody selling any of it.

Charge five quid a tub in bread.

Or penclouth.

Or pencloth.

Yeah, we can make ones up as well if we want.

No, pencloth cockles.

Yes, please.

Great.

Anyways, thanks for downloading.

Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

At the UPS store, we ensure your small bid stands out with a variety of high-quality paper stock options, banners, posters for shores, and more.

Most locations are independently owned.

Product services, pricing, and hours of operation may vary.

See Center for Details.

The UPS store.

Be unstoppable.

Come into your local store today and get your print on.