#427 - OALPs, Scared To Stand and Career Progression In Feudal Britain

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Hello everyone and welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins Show and I'm very very excited to say I'm joined by two of London's hippest young DJs.

Yeah.

Ellis James and DJ Dave Masterman.

DJ Dave DJ Dave on the Wheels of Steel.

Well yeah so Dave is rapidly become known as Sex on Dex.

That's his name.

Dangerous Dave.

Dangerous Dave Sex on Dex.

But Alice, I've heard rumours about your DJ nickname is

OALPs.

Because some of those sort of coolest night birds who are out, you know, taking,

you know,

taking a little breath of the night

were telling me that you...

You sat down for quite a lot of your second DJ session of the night because you got so tired.

and you had apparently a little little sort of picnic chair and a tartan blanket over your knees I just there was no tartan blanket that is a lie and a thermos with soup uh i didn't i no soup campbell's cream of mushroom do you know what it was shortbread actually i ate i ate shortbread for hours and i played the clash because you know if you speak to any of the mega djs of the past 30 years yeah so fat boy slim calvin harris calvin harris yeah pete Tong.

Pete Tong.

They all, when they get to about 1am, do tend to sit down.

Who have you been talking to?

Well, no, I was just reading Mix Mag.

Right, okay.

Because I was DJing at Scared to Dance in Dolston.

Scared to Stand?

Scared to Stand.

And lots of friends of the show have DJ.

It's at Scared to Dance.

It's my friend Paul runs it.

It's a fantastic night.

But at the Shackle Arms, when I do that, you're sort of of tucked away a little bit.

I felt slightly more exposed at the Victoria, and I was a bit tired, and so I did find a picnic.

I sat down, but I still played some absolutely banging tunes.

From a seated versus I could play Justice versus Simeon from a seated position.

And is he?

So let me just get this started.

I could play Milo from a seated position.

I've not been there.

Is it aimed at the over 60s?

No, no.

Is it like that radio station they had in lockdown that played Virulin?

Roll out the barrel, we're out of a barrel of fun.

Oh, I do love Ellis James.

I do all the old tunes.

I did end with the theme tune to Dud's Army.

Mustard and blue birds on the old trail.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh,

do you think you are kidding, Mr.

Ritla?

No, I did get a little bit tired.

But, you know, I'd had a big day.

Yeah.

Because obviously

I DJ'd at All My Friends slash Dancing with Dave, Dave and Brixton First, which was a lot of fun.

That wasn't even fun.

You did a jigsaw that one, didn't you?

No, I got the good one.

No, I read a Jilly Cooper novel.

I got the good version of Ellis.

Because I got the Ellis novel.

So does Paul.

Doesn't sound like it.

It sounds like it got someone sitting down.

Yes, well,

boom.

It's sitting down and choosing top tunes.

Yeah, absolutely.

Elton John does a lot of his gigs sat down.

Exactly.

He keeps the crowd in the sky.

So does, you know, Chris Martin.

Phil Collins.

Phil Collins has routinely sat down at his gigs.

Like many drummers.

Yeah, yeah.

I cannot recommend Skaters to dance highly enough.

Ivo's done done it, Selly A.B., Friends of the Show, they've all done it.

John Ronson's done it, Pat Nevin's done it, and the best good lolly had a phope.

It's a good night.

The best thing about it is with included in the ticket price is one of those little metal tins of hard-boiled sweets that's Everton mints

got dust on them

that you have in the glove box of old cavaliers.

Yeah, yeah, and we all ate biscuits

out of a tin that had a drawing of a Westie on it.

Oh, dear.

Yeah.

So, well, that's exciting though.

Do you think you'll do the double up again?

No, because sadly, I think it affected Paul's ticket sales through no fault of his own.

Oh, sorry.

Yes, you should apologise.

You need to back Paul's 600 quid, actually, Dave.

Well, you know, it's, I kind of jumped on it.

I booked you in when I didn't realize you had the other one.

And I always feel obliged to do your ones.

And I've never...

Oh, wow.

Well, that is true.

Dave, I'll always work for you dave because i feel obliged to well yeah because dave is a valued friend but you knew you were doing paul's one yeah i've never paul's one's never not sold out i would love to see what your google diary looks like i reckon it's all just question marks no

so i thought i i thought it was busy question mark i i it's a busy question

i i i do you know what there was hubris

What?

There was hubris involved, John, because Paul, I've never done Paul's Night without it selling out because it scheduled onto so good.

Yeah, so I thought, okay, well, that will look after itself.

I was helping out Dave because Dave obviously is obsessed with money.

He's thinking about his dividends.

Well, Paul's always sells out because of the free plowman's lunch.

And in the winter, it's a roast dinner with an extra large Yorkshire pudding.

Did Seliab sit down?

No.

Did Lolly Anaphopi sit down?

No.

Did John Roxon sit down?

No.

Did Ivo Graham sit down?

No.

Did I sit down?

For the first six times I did it.

No.

I just got a bit tired on Saturday, and Paul did, because he's a nice man, keep asking me if I was all right.

Yeah.

Well,

it's just great stuff.

And sorry to put, I feel a bit bad now that I kind of hide.

But I've got his details.

Bax him 600 quid, Dave.

It was still going to, there were still lots of people there.

Yeah, mine didn't sell out either, I should say.

Good.

So I've ruined everyone's night.

That slash day, because yours was a day-do.

Yeah.

It was good fun.

Do you know what I did do, though?

You know, Ruth Hesko from Twitter and Instagram.

Very funny.

She's very, very, very funny.

She's, is it Dan Can Croyd on Twitter?

I'm assuming it's the same on Instagram.

But I followed her for a long time.

She really makes me laugh.

And she's routinely tweeted that if you played the this morning theme

at a club night, it would go off.

And I've always seen those tweets.

I thought, do you know what?

I think Ruth's absolutely spot on there.

So Lauren, who was djing with us as well hang on so you're sitting down playing the this no this is the standing up okay this is all my friends for this this is all my friends so lauren played um the grandstand theme oh nice

that went off big time

big time a great move people losing their minds

but lauren had had set it up and she she'd actually she'd stop musing she'd take the mic she said listen if you're over the age of 30 you are going to remember this most people don't play it at a club night, so enjoy.

I can't remember exactly how she put it, how she set it up, but she played Grand Stand because it's so immediately recognizable.

People loved it.

We used to come on stage on the tour, on the Distant Pod tour, to the Grand Stand theme, and people always sing along because it's such an iconic piece of music.

And I thought, oh, yeah, well, she, you know, Lauren's played Grandstand.

Just you wait until I play the 1995 This Morning theme.

But I didn't set it up at all.

I just went, Pixie's Killer this morning,

which was a mistake looking back.

But also,

Lauren Layfield from Radio One, who was fantastic.

She was very good.

I think we've plugged your Disco Night and Up.

Yeah, it's gone.

It's gone.

It's gone.

It's been and gone, John.

It's coming back again.

No, it's not.

It is, but that's sold out again, so it's fine.

Yeah, yeah, we can go.

Yeah, yeah, well, done.

But I think

you could play a load of awful music, and people will leave it.

That's not true, actually, Dave.

It's standing room only.

So, Ellis, you wouldn't.

I don't think you'd like it.

but Lauren almost

Lauren almost nicked the joke because that novelty factor of playing something quite, you know, from memory lane, I think you can only get away with it.

I think people didn't quite realise what I was doing because I also had to scroll through Madvert for BT friends and family.

What's the this morning theme?

Oh no, that's animal hospital.

You've done it again.

I've done it again.

It's this.

Yep.

It's not, it's not.

Do you know what?

If I'd sold it properly, it would have been great.

Izzy Works on the show loved it because she's a big fan of this morning.

Izzy Works on the show stood in the front row.

And you know how some people will write what terms they want on their phones and hold them up.

When I decided to come straight out of

Slying the Family Stone into the Stone Roses.

She held up her phone and it just said, this is Slay Grandad, which was great, great, great for the old confidence.

Very good.

Well, folks, due to a great riff we had recently

about what James Bond would be like if he was just an ordinary chap, which could really form the basis of seven minutes of superb observational stand-up comedy.

Yes.

And it's a race between me and Ellis for who writes a new show first.

Because we both got our eyes on the prize at that bit, haven't we?

I've got to be honest, yeah.

It would be very interesting to look back and see

where the genesis of it came from, because

I would like to write another show in Welsh in two years' time.

But could you do an English version?

I could do a Welsh version.

Could we split it that way?

Well, Alan Partridge has already done Jones the Bond license.

Licensed to Kill.

Yeah.

De blossom.

But anyway, we've been asking you for your Jimmy Bond contribution.

So Jimmy Bond is just an ordinary chap.

It's a sort of inspired by the Rowan Atkinson adverts in the 90s by accident because we forgot about those.

Basically, there's no such thing as a new idea.

So give us a...

When we riff on credit scores, you kick off.

So we're just going back to the classics.

Okay.

He wasn't an ordinary bond.

He was a bad bond,

from what I remember.

No, he was a useless bond, wasn't he?

Well, that's the same as bad, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well, no, he's not an evil bond.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So I meant bad

in the sense of evil

rubbish as opposed to evil.

What about if Amazon do bond as a bond that's turned to the other side?

Yes.

Good idea.

Yeah.

Could be very, very good.

Wow, sir.

Burgess and Lucky.

You should be working for one of these big studios, Dave.

You should.

I think the hours wouldn't be to your liking.

What are the hours, do you reckon?

Longer than your hours.

Half an afternoon a week.

Is that what it takes to launch a franchise?

Yeah, mad, isn't it?

This is from Andy.

Jimmy hasn't made sure he can travel on his existing passport due to the expiry date.

Oh, it's a shame.

This is from Mark.

Really made me laugh.

Jimmy Bond has to occasionally take his kids on a mission with him because it's his weekend.

Sit down in the back of the Aston Martin and play on the iPad.

Don't you tell mum that we didn't go to Santa Parks.

Oh,

this is from Ben.

His signature cocktail, Bond's signature cocktail, is whatever jugs are on 241 on that particular day.

Tonight he's inventing his femme fatale to grab a glass and help him finish off the second jug of woo-woo before he has to nip to the box.

He wishes it was sex on the beach so he could make a suggestive remark, but that's only on offer on Tuesdays.

This is from Jodie.

Following a week of necking, Jimmy Bond gets a call to say that unfortunately, yes, it's chlamydia, and he's going to need to take a week of antibiotics and stay away from the ladies.

I like the idea of Bond necking.

Bond's always necking.

He's always necking.

He would never call it.

But he would never call it necking, would he?

The thing with Bond is he always looks like he's necking but without tongues.

Yeah.

It's like a very neighbour's style kiss

where it's just sort of, you know, just

mouth outers yeah yeah

what am i trying to say it's like a half yeah like a half snog yeah i know what you're trying to say it's just a bit unsettling

mouth outers yeah

his this is from emily his gadgets are things like a miniature screwdriver set from a christmas cracker that he can't bring himself to throw away because he might need them one day and a plastic token you can use in a supermarket trolley in place of a coin very very good i like that um so that's just a bit of an extended riff on an idea we had a couple of weeks ago.

Well, this is well, yeah.

Let's

this used to be something we did all the time.

It's basically panicking, Dave.

You're panicking, Dave.

It's a free time.

It's just a feature called riff return.

It's riff return, Dave.

It's the riff return.

Now then,

let's have some correspondence.

This is on GUF agreements, Dave.

Okay.

Because

we had the letter from the person who'd done a pre-nup

where the guy had had to backs his partner every time he guffed.

And that did not stand up in court.

This is from Mark in Islington.

Good morning, my little smashers.

Listening to the most recent podcast and discussions around pre-nups, I wanted to write in to explain the system my girlfriend put into place to ensure she is compensated financially for the effects caused by my most critical failing, guffs.

My partner and I had been together for three years but very early in the relationship a guff shaped spanner was thrown into the works as she declared that she absolutely hates guffing now i'm just going to pause there

you don't get to decide that i don't think as in the as in the

the partner yeah you can you can because guffing isn't a behavior It's something your body does and needs to do in order to be alive.

And also everyone hate, no one likes guffing.

Yeah, no one's like encouraging it.

But

if it was like, oh, I hate it when you,

you know, chew with your mouth open, totally.

Yeah, yeah.

Because that's something that can be addressed.

Yes, you can change your behavior.

Yeah, like if you were saying, I hate it when you do jokes around your guff, like, have you heard the latest single?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know,

pull my finger, turning the volume down on the

TV, or pretending there's a creaky floorboard.

Yeah, I get, okay, if you like, I don't like yourself.

Pretending a ferry is going past pretending a ferry is going past but you can't just outlaw guffs

anyway even my modest numbers of less than a handful a day

were a strain on our relationship i'd be worried if they was if i was on less than a handful a day

uh both hands

How many hands?

Five.

My hands.

My hands and the hands of a rugby league team.

So that's 26 hands.

Yeah, I think that's about your hands.

28 hands.

That's about normal, isn't it?

A handful.

One per handful?

No, I think you could get three guffs in a hand.

So between 80 and 90.

Yeah, I'd say so.

That's about normal, isn't it?

Well, for someone who's having two curries at a time.

Well, exactly.

And a lot of chocolate.

Even my most modest numbers of less than a handful a day were a strain on our relationship, and there was a noticeable impact on my partner's welfare.

Something had to change.

There were tough negotiations, protracted contract discussions, and at points it looked like talks were breaking down.

But in the 11th hour, a deal was made.

Here are the numbers.

That makes it sound like the Good Friday.

Very much like Dave's Wiz business.

I need to stop them there.

Dave.

Dave, can I have silence for the rest of the email, please, Dave?

Not got a whiz business.

Carry on.

My first one of the day is free

and thus does not incur a penalty.

For any subsequent guffs, the tally is notched up on my partner's notes function on her iPhone.

Wow.

Much like a ref of the modern game, smaller, less impactful infringements will maybe incur a warning, whilst the heavier fouls will face the full force of the law with a penalty tally being added.

Leniency is shown during stomach upsets or after nights on the cans, but otherwise the game is officiated with ruthless objectivity and respect for the laws.

Once we reach a hundred guffs,

a dinner, well, I guess this is over time.

A dinner out is to be paid for by myself, and the clock goes back down to zero.

Every time we reach out to the microphone.

That's nice.

That is quite nice.

Every time we reach the magic total, there has to be a marked rise in standard of the establishment we attend.

Wow.

So far, as a restaurant...

So far, as a result of the agreement, we've gone from pub lunch to bistro, bistro to local restaurant, and most recently to a rather nice Italian in London's vibrant Covent Garden.

That's 400 guffs.

That's 400 guffs.

Oh god, that's quite depressing.

When you like been together 40 years, you'll be on your sort of like 7,000th guff.

And you'll know.

You'll know.

That's the weird thing.

The financial agreement in place has massively improved my girlfriend's mental health whilst providing me with some incentive to reduce her exposure to guffs.

It also means that we regularly have date nights factored into our schedules where we get a chance to take stock in preparation for the start of the next season.

For this reason, I would also provide my backing for John's prenup clause and even the more general arrangements whereby financial amount is used to settle a relationship grievance.

Thanks to the three of you for all the laughs, and I hope everyone else out there can use admin, compromise, and simply cold hard cash to keep their relationships filled with living, laughing, and loving.

Mark and Islington, thank you, Mark.

What a great written email that was.

Good.

Very funny.

It paints a very interesting picture of how other people live.

It just frames that nice night out constantly, though, doesn't it?

In a way that you probably don't want it to be framed.

But imagine it.

You're in a restaurant with Hannah.

Yeah.

A really nice restaurant.

And a couple you know

see you through the window.

And they'll be like, what, what, Dave and others?

What's the occasion?

Is it an anniversary?

Ah, no, five.

Five of them.

You'll never guess.

Dave celebrated his a thousandth guff.

And that's why we've gone to Caravaggio's.

Yeah.

Still, if it keeps it, if it keeps it playful.

What's the occasion, Hannah?

Hello, you blooming, beautiful boys.

And catching up with the last few weeks of the pod, it's lovely to hear about your collective joy at the spring blooms and bird song and John's wonderings in Highgate Cemetery.

You will regularly accompany my regular morning walk to the glorious Nunhead Cemetery, another of the magnificent seven.

And as spring, it's truly sprung the last few weeks.

The birds have been singing their little lungs out harder than ever before.

It does wonders for the old mental health to stand in a sunny glade, eyes closed, and bathe in the sounds for a beat or two.

Anyway, I'm right again on the subject of nicknames.

Well, I don't know an Eggie.

My partner is a Biggles.

Very good.

Me and Eggie were friends with the Biggles.

Were you?

Yeah, Simon.

Simon Biggles.

Anyway, we were.

The only solo release that John Deacon from Queen ever did was the Biggles soundtrack.

Really?

Yeah.

Any good?

Pass.

We were friends for a good few years before becoming romantically involved.

So I've always known him as Biggles.

I didn't even know his real name for at least the first couple of years.

Wow.

This became problematic once we made the leap into love for two reasons.

How do I introduce him to new people, especially family members, and how to address him in the bedroom?

Yeah, yeah.

Some nicklaims may work between the sheets, but imagine being swept up in a magic moment only to utter the words, yes, Biggles.

We've just celebrated our ninth anniversary, so clearly we've navigated these tricky waters, but we still have the odd moment where we dissolve into laughter during an otherwise saucy moment.

Has Ellis asked his eggie but whether he encounters similar romantic issues?

I haven't, I must admit.

I'll have to send him a text.

I'll sign off with a quick Mad Dad dad story.

My dad's a softly spoken accountant type, the last person you would expect to rock the boat.

In the last few years, however, he's taken to responding to the polite greeting, how are you, with the words, simply gorgeous, thank you, and yourself.

Took me by surprise, but when I watched him at a wake, disarming a succession of family, friends, acquaintances, and non-Agerian naval veterans with his new greeting before bounding on to the next, I was almost proud.

He left a trail of baffled victims in his wake, and it brought a confused levity to the situation.

Thank you, Lance, for all the light and laughter.

He's to many more cemetery walks together.

This is from Sam.

P.S.

My mum's equally mad.

So far I've persuaded her out of her funeral plans for a Viking-style burial at sea, using the legality argument.

But she's now fermenting plans for cryogenic preservation.

More work to do.

Wow.

Yes,

more work to do indeed.

I liked this one.

This is from

Anonymous.

Huge fan of the podcast, first time emailer.

I felt compelled to contact the show.

I'm from Scotland, but now live in England.

We sadly lost my mum a few years ago, and I'm currently visiting my dad in Ayrshire in Scotland.

Having arrived at his house at 11.30am and promptly turning the conversation to lunch, the following topics were covered over the next four hours in what is an encyclopedia of ultimate dad chat.

And they have included a list of the topics.

Do you guys want to give a daddiocity rating?

Oh, yeah, okay.

I could guess a few.

HMRC and impending national insurance contribution deadline.

Yeah, nice.

I wouldn't start.

I wouldn't open with that though.

No, I wouldn't open that.

You've got to work up to that.

Pensions, mine, brackets, various and suboptimal, his, brackets, boomer.

Yeah.

Okay.

Car mile per gallon.

That's an opener.

Mine, car mileage.

Another opener.

There's a route is my big one with dads and older men.

How you got there and whether you trust the sat-nav.

And

what a milestone they both turned because our emailer's car had turned 22,222 miles that week.

Yeah, great.

The dads had a lot of- If I say to do so, you'd take a photo.

Oh, God, yeah.

The dads had turned 44,444 miles.

Well, that's fantastic stuff.

That is so nice.

That's good.

Mild versus regular hybrid versus full electric.

Okay.

That I would like to talk about with someone's dad for a while.

Yes.

My journey the previous day to Scotland, 10 hours compared to the usual seven hours due to a lengthy diversion in Birmingham.

Petrol prices,

leasehold properties,

the new railway in Portishead,

the value of my property, the value of his property, the new Calmack Ferry on the Firth of Clyde River.

I would also say what they were paying for houses for their first,

you know, first first time they owned property in the 60s and 70s.

That's a great one.

The best routes to get to various hospitals in the west of Scotland.

Of course.

Hospital cafes.

So, I mean, largely cost-a-based now, in my experience.

The snooker,

real ale, crematoriums, including the one he's booked into.

Nice.

Reservoirs, temporary traffic lights, local wind types.

Are they actually automatic, or can you affect them by flashing your lights?

Current wind direction and speed.

What?

Potholes.

Yeah.

His MP and MSP, my MP, him always hearing traffic problems on the radio for the M5, which is near where I live.

I need to leave to drive to a friend's, but he's asleep on the chair by 3 p.m.

Not a mad dad, but a classic boomer dad.

Lots of love.

Keep doing what you're doing.

Anonymous.

Thank you.

So I had a lovely vicarious dad experience.

I would say

good sports teams from before 1980 and how they would match up to the modern teams is a good one for especially older dads.

You know, how would George Best cope with the modern game, etc.?

Different ball, you know.

But it depends what sports you're both into, really.

Yeah, but I think if you've got a general interest in sport, you could do that with all sports, really.

You know, you can compare McEnroe to Fedra.

You can compare Billie Jean King to Serena Williams, you can compare, I don't know,

Brian Close to Joe Root.

It can be done, yeah.

And it's the kind of and often

fathers of that generation will have better memories for the sporting styles of their youth than the modern ones.

So I think that's a good thing if you need more stuff.

But it sounds like they've got plenty of

conversation starters there.

It's an excellent email.

This is a nice one because there have been a few references to Timmy Mallet over the last week or so.

Dear Alice, John David Team, following on from last week's Mallet chat, I wanted to get in touch with a lovely story highlighting his status as an all-round good egg.

That's good to hear.

In December 1992, Timmy was appearing in Pantomime at Reading's Hexagon Theatre alongside Tony Scannell, the Bills DS Ted Roach, Charlie Drake, and the sadly recently departed Linda Nolan.

The Panter was jacking the beanstalk with Mallet playing the titular role.

Oh, lovely.

My brother Edward, then aged seven, had been taken along to see his Wackaday hero two days before Christmas by a family friend, as my mother had gone into labour with me that morning, just down the road, the Royal Berkshire.

Seeing his hero tread the boards as Jack was fantastic, but the real icing on the cake was going to come after the show when my brother was going to have a chance to get a pinky punky mallet signed by the man himself.

Unfortunately for Edward, my own punctual arrival into this world meant that when the panter was over, he was whisked away straight over to the hospital in order to meet me, his brand new younger brother.

The fact that my birth had cruelly robbed him of a chance to meet Mallet weighed heavily, and it was something I was regularly reminded of over the intervening 18 years.

What use a man in his mid-twenties would have had for a signed pinky punky wasn't to be questioned.

The fact remained that his life would have been infinitely improved had he only had a chance to meet Timmy and get one.

Fast forward to 2010, and I decided that my own 18th birthday was the perfect chance to right this wrong.

I reached out to Timmy via his web store where he sells a stellar array of Wackaday and Wide Awake Club themed merchandise to explain the backstory and I would love to finally give my brother the signed Pinky Punky mallet he'd so craved for all these years.

Timmy was bowled over by this.

Oh,

I love it.

I love it.

And not only obliged with a signed and dedicated mallet, but also dug out an original fryer and programme for the Panther, which he signed and included too.

My brother was overjoyed, and it felt good to be able able to write this historical ill and break down that wall of resentment.

I have Timmy to thank for that.

He even did a blog post about the story, and as a lovely addendum, I was able to meet the man myself a few years later when Swindon Town were playing bitter local rivals Oxford United, a team for which Timmy is a die-hard fan.

Spotting him leaving the radio studios at the top of the arkle stand, I explained who I was, and he instantly remembered and he said he was thrilled to meet me.

Good egg.

Yours sincerely, Jordan.

Egg.

Mallet matters.

Mallet matters.

It does.

I used to love to me, Mallet.

Oh, I used to.

Yes, absolutely.

And I was madly in love with Michaela Strachan.

Yes, me too.

And I want to put it out there.

I want the records to state that she

was very nice.

And I

very good.

Mallet matters more.

Because it was the plasters on the chin.

Yes.

Which is just, it sticks in your head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Iconic.

Word association game where you mustn't pause, hesitate, or say a word like this boing, or like this boing.

And you gotta go to the camera.

And good stuff.

It was gentle.

And

there was nothing sexual about it.

And I think that's a Briton we need to remember.

Also, he's aged amazingly.

When you see pictures of him online, it looks exactly the same as he did then.

Another good egg in a similar sphere, Pat Sharp.

Oh, really?

Yeah, really nice guy.

Mike.

I can speak to Sharp, Dave.

I can speak to Sharp.

Can you speak to Sharp?

Dave can speak to Sharp.

Okay, I defer to you.

If I read something in the press tomorrow,

when we were on Radio X, wasn't he at Global in some capacity?

He was.

He had been, yeah.

He was.

And often at Chris Moyles' birthday parties, which is where I met Pat.

And me and him just sat, sat and then stood and then sat again.

Well, that's important.

Like Ellis Steve.

Does he DJ?

Doesn't Pat Sharp still do a lot of DJing?

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

I don't know what he is on heart or something.

Warden, I read something about him taking mixed C D's around to like student unions and stuff.

He like really takes it seriously.

Are you thinking of Toby Anstis?

Might be thinking of Toby Anstis.

No, I think it is Sharp.

It might be Sharp.

It doesn't matter.

He's a nice guy.

And he's just a good bit of company at a party.

He's a very sweet man.

I feel like I have a similar generation to Mallet.

Yes, yeah.

Slightly after Mallet, I would say.

I think slightly after the match.

He was operating in a post-Mallet landscape.

He was.

Because Mallet changed the game.

Yeah.

It actually did.

But not being facetious.

The Wide Awake Club changed the game.

There's a very

common Andy.

Yeah.

There's

a very funny.

Nutkins.

Now that's the really wild shrimp.

There's a very funny video on...

Well, Andy Peters wasn't on Wide Awake Club.

He was on, he was in the broom cupboard on CBBC.

Didn't he play some part in the Wide Awake Club?

No, and Peters also looks exactly the same.

Peters is buff.

Peters is, but he's buffer.

He actually looks buffer.

Yeah, yeah, he's like, he's, yeah.

There's a very funny video where the Lars are on the Wide Awake Club doing There She Goes.

Really?

And Tommy Boyd interviews them, and Lee Mavers has got his toothbrush in his pocket.

What a trap.

Really, really funny.

It is about heroin, isn't it?

That trap.

Yes.

I mean, they didn't talk about that.

No, but it's just

John Powell or Lee Mavis has got his toothbrush in his pocket because they had to wake up so early.

Because obviously, we're live on ITV at sort of 7.06 a.m., wasn't it?

Tommy Boyd

from the wide awake club.

Yeah, yeah.

How old is he now?

64.

72.

Is he?

He is.

He is.

72.

Oh, my God.

And still going strong, and we wish him well.

Oh, best of luck to him.

You've got to be careful.

Someone came up to me.

Always check the personal life section of the old Wikipedia page before you go around wishing people well from the past.

But I think we're in the clear.

Someone came up to me on Saturday who was related to Tommy Boyd

at.

Really?

Really?

Yeah.

And said we can have him on if we want.

Okay.

We've got access to Boyd.

Access to Boyd.

Imagine if we could reunite the Wide Awake Club.

Oh,

I think they see each other socially anyway.

I imagine they sort of all live in a big soft play house.

Yeah.

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Right, what are we doing now?

What's coming next?

I am ready to rock, ready to go.

Come on.

It's mad dance.

Should we do some mad dance?

Yeah.

Okay.

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.

Actual real wooden clogs

and set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canopes.

He then proceeded to empty 40 litres or so of pure onto the timber and strike a match.

Dance a mad.

Dance a mad.

Dance ah mad.

Who's going first?

Uh, this really made me laugh.

Uh, hi guys, love the show.

Comedy Connection is the highlight of my week, but here's a mad dad for you.

My dad's recently been on a health kick, and fair play to him, he's lost four stone in less than a year.

He mainly cut out carbs and sugar, which has made going out for food a tad tricky, though his dream meal is steak and peas.

Before his diet, he was a big fan of baked beans, often eating them cold out of the tin.

But sadly, regular baked beans have too much sugar for his liking.

Thankfully, like any mad dad, he had a solution.

It was a dark day when I walked into the kitchen to find my dad spooning beans into his mouth, sucking them and spitting the sauce into the sink.

A real treat.

This obviously avoids digesting the sugary sauce, but eating all the protein a good bean provides.

Spunch.

Mike,

just over-engineering.

There has to be better ways.

Well, there is just a wash.

Oh, yeah, rinse them.

Yeah.

If this is what's needed to lose weight, I'm happy to carry a bit more lumber.

My dad said I could send in the story if I kept my name anonymous, so call me Darryl.

She is lads.

Oh, my stepdad used to do stuff like that.

It's kind of bleak because when you think like sucking of the bean juice.

Especially when, because he's passed away, because you now know that life is sort of limited.

He used to pick the raisins out of fruit and fibre.

Like literally go through the hole.

Yeah, yeah.

And he used to soak those little pimento peppers that were filled with feta in hot, boiling hot water.

What for?

To get the olive oil residue off them.

Oh, right.

As a sort of health kick.

Yeah.

but then just didn't do any exercise ever.

Yeah.

You're like, you could just go for a walk and not have to soak your peppers in boiling hot water or pick your raisins out of your

or just buy brown flakes.

Yeah.

So why is he picking raisins out?

Because they're sugar.

Because they're sugar, yeah.

We've been through the raisins.

Although also,

if you start

to realise that life is finite

and then you think about how you waste time, it's it seems like

killing seems a terrible waste.

Were children witnessing my existence, they would have a sorry tale to tell.

Luckily,

it's like someone's turned the CCTV off.

There's no record of the mad stuff.

The only record is my own memoirs.

Yeah.

So the stuff I...

It should be published posthumously, obviously.

Yes, of course.

But when you...

John Robbins, my defense.

When you come down on Christmas morning and see Pepper stuffed with feta soaking in boiling hot water, you think,

it's Christmas.

Yeah.

Ho ho ho ho ho ho.

Holy

it's also.

Is that a festive dish?

No.

We've got a basket for the front door now to leave our phones in because Hannah and I have both agreed.

Outside?

You won't have them long, Dave.

Do you live in a nice area, Dave?

Oh, yeah, you're not getting your phone nicked in Jewel Hume.

You're alright.

No, you might actually.

You have to be careful.

Car theft is rife.

Yes.

Car theft is bad.

Is it?

Yeah, yeah, big time.

The actual theft of it or taking the

carburettors for the copper.

No, the cars disappear off driveways.

Do they?

Joy-ridden.

How do you manage that nowadays with Fox?

They boost them from the door, don't hang your keys next to the door.

We don't.

Keep them in a lead-lined locker upstairs.

That's actually true.

Yeah.

Yeah, we've had car theft in those streets as well.

Yeah, so.

Gotta be careful.

They take the catalytic converters near them.

Yes, they do that from Lexai.

Yeah, so always park your car over broken glass because they can't get underneath.

If you need to, just drive over 20 to 30 milk bottles when you're parking.

Yeah, yeah.

And it does act as a deterrent.

It does.

Yeah.

A certain level of car that people go for, though.

I've never quite had that level of cars.

Like Poshcars.

Yeah, big time.

Oh, really?

German.

You just got to get a lot of people.

But aren't they hard to steal Poshcars?

Apparently not, because on our WhatsApp group, it's always...

It's your Audis, it's your Bemas.

You can probably just do it with AI these days.

Or an app.

Or an app, of course.

Steel car theft app.

I've got another mad dad here, actually, everyone.

Great.

This is from John.

John says, Dear Comedy Royalty, Ellis and John, and faithful retainer Dave.

Hmm, do I like that?

I don't know.

Retaining you.

Am I retaining you?

A retainer

would be like if I was a knight, you would be carrying my sort of scabbard.

I think of people who've had orthodontic work.

No, I think it's neither of those things.

I think what they're saying is I'm on a retainer, so I'm just always on a retainer.

Because they wouldn't be using it as a noun, would they?

No, John's googling something.

Because if you're on a retainer,

yeah, but you wouldn't be described as a retainer.

No, you're right.

You would be retained.

You'd be indentured.

Yes, yes.

A personal thing that retains a dependent of a person of rank owing some service to him or her, a family servant of long standing, an authorisation, a retaining fee, or an appliance worn in the mouth to keep straightened teeth in position.

So I think we can deduce that he's using it in the heraldic sense.

That you are carrying my train,

perhaps passing messages to other knights of import

or my enemies in France.

Heraldic Dave, I like.

Yes.

Heraldic producer Dave.

I don't want to be carrying John's train.

Dave,

if you are a good retainer for these score years and twenty, then I may grant to you your freedom to be your own yeoman.

What are you on about?

Well, I'm talking about, you know, the equivalent of a career progression in feudal Britain.

Yeah.

But this is...

Okay, fine.

Fine.

You know, I might let you have a go on the horse.

This is what I don't like about it.

Well, I feel just a bit subservient to you.

Dave,

come on, if we were living in the golden age of pageantry,

I'd be Dave.

You would be King Dave.

I would be King Dave.

I would be covered in horse mess.

You would be living in a barrel.

I'd be living in a barrel.

There'd be horse mess and straw.

Do you know what?

You'd be happy.

I would be happy.

Who is that guy in Maid Marion and Her Merry Men who was covered in boils?

I'd be that poetry.

Yeah.

So.

Boils.

Are boils still a thing?

I think a boil is just like a really, really, really bad spot that kind of goes nuclear.

Yes.

I don't mind saying I had one on my bum a year ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You get him on your bum.

You do.

Yeah.

Especially if you're prone to sitting down a lot.

Yeah.

But they pass, they always pass.

Bring him back.

Bring back boils.

I don't know if it is a boil.

Is it a boil?

It would be a boil.

Like a bad spot.

Ingrowing hair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that kind of fun.

Anyway, sorry, I don't know why I said that.

God.

Just gotta check.

Yeah, you check, sorry.

Is a boiling ingrowing hair?

Both boils and ingrown hairs can manifest as bumps on the skin.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boil is more puss-filled.

Oh, no, I've not had that then.

Good.

Good.

That's it.

Just cut that all up.

I mean, routine.

We don't need that.

I mean, pus play.

Sorry, John, where were we?

Um

dear comedy royalty Ellis and John and faithful retainer Dave.

During the late 1960s my dad worked for the Central Electricity Generating Board, CEGB,

sometimes meeting with the engineers who erected the huge pylons that carried the power lines across the landscape.

One day, after such an encounter, he returned home in an obvious state of excitement, having been given a souvenir by a construction crew.

Look what I've got, he announced to me and my brother, brother, waving a shiny silver screw-top tin in our direction.

He unscrewed the tin's lid and showed us the contents.

A watch of what looked like cotton wool, about as big as a golf ball.

Gun cotton, he gleefully exclaimed.

We looked bemused.

They use it in tank shells.

Seeing our puzzled expressions, he said, follow me.

and led the way to the back door, then down to the garage which backed onto the garden.

Inside, he tipped tipped the gun cotton onto the workbench and reached across to the tool rack, selecting a two-pound lump hammer.

Now, watch this.

He raised the hammer above his head and brought it down on the white fluffy ball.

After a few seconds, my eyesight began to return.

The details of the garage gradually re-emerging from the vivid purple flash that had overwhelmed my retinas.

Wow.

Not so my hearing, which was just a a loud tinnitus.

Dad was hopping up and down shaking his right hand and although I couldn't hear the words, his lips were obviously saying rude things.

His face looked paler than usual, probably due to shock and also the sudden lack of eyebrows.

There was no sign of the gun, cotton or the hammer.

Although a foot-wide circular hole in the garage window gave a clue to the latter's whereabouts.

God.

Looking up the garden, the broken branches of a hawthorn tree seemed to confirm the hammer's flight path.

Hearing gradually returned.

Don't tell your mum,

said Dad, and rushed out and up the garden in search of the hammer.

Dad never brought any more gun cotton home, which was just as well, as I later found out that it is classed as a high explosive and extremely illegal to possess.

As Dad passed away in the year 2000, he is well beyond the reach of the law, so I have no reservation about telling this mad dad story now.

Thanks so much for keeping our spirits high in these dark times.

I don't know what I'd do without my twice-weekly injections of mirthful hashtag content.

Love and respect, John.

John, thank you so much.

That's a hall of famer.

That is.

Do you want it?

Reminds me of the Who were performing live on American Telly.

And they were often live, they would often end by trashing their kid.

And because they were live on American Telly, and it was such a big show, one of those ones that was watched by millions and millions of people.

Keith Moon put explosives in his drum kit, but he didn't tell the rest of the band.

Have you seen it?

Yeah, I've seen it.

So then he made Pete Townsend deaf.

Yeah.

Like, because it just explodes, but he hasn't told the crew, he doesn't tell the cameramen or any of that kind of stuff.

Yeah.

But

what I loved about that story, John, was it reminded me a bit of my childhood.

The Central Electricity Generating Board.

Yes, please.

Lump hammer, yes, please.

Workshop, yes, please.

Workbench, yes, please.

It's the idea of your vision returning.

Yes, and you've got Tinnitus.

Very well written.

What's very sweet about it is the first thing he wanted to do was take his sons to go and just see how amazing this was going to be.

There's an excitement there, which is actually very nice because

he wants to please his kids.

It's a very 60s story.

It is.

But there's, yeah, there's something very moving, really, about sort of dads in the 60s bonding with their sons as industrial items.

Yes, I'm sort of Kez style.

Well, as someone who listens to Downey Champion of the World, more nights than he doesn't,

the fact that his dad says, by the age of seven, you're going to be able to take apart an engine and put it back together again, and then I'll let you go to school.

Oh, I love that.

Come on.

He teaches him about coxes pipping apples, Dave.

Yeah.

And how toads mate.

Yeah.

Dave.

Come on, Dave.

Respond to his toads.

Who will teach me about how toads mate?

On YouTube.

Yeah.

But I'm also,

I'm not doing that with my kids, and that makes me feel.

Well, this is why they're going to end up getting a toad pregnant, Dave.

And you want that, you want to bring up a toad?

Do you?

Because it's going to fall on you.

Nice one, Dave.

You're the one who'll be looking after it.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

A toad pregnant.

Yeah.

But they don't know about how they use their dew laps.

Yeah, yeah.

It was more the car engine one.

Yeah.

Yeah, I love that one.

Me too.

Yeah.

And he made him a little

go-kart.

Did he?

I don't have to do that either.

I've not read Danny Champion of the World since about 1990, but.

Oh, I wonder if it might be a bit old for young for Betty, but a bit young for Betty, but Steph might like Danny Champion of the World.

Yeah.

Does Steph like Darrell?

No, he's too young.

No, no, he's into easy to maps, flags,

dinosaurs, and cars.

Yeah.

And continents.

Yes.

Yeah.

This is my guy.

Asia, Africa, North and South America.

Let's Europe.

And then we have Australia.

That's not a continent, is it?

No, but I know.

That's the song, though.

The inaccurate song, yeah, yeah, yeah, teaching the initial

songs in Australasia, I suppose, or Oceania, or Oceania, but they

say, oh, Antarctica, Europe, and then there's the bit about what each continent has brought to the world.

And the Europe one is very, very funny because it's just like pasta, pizza, waffle, and fries.

And a silly

and the concept of the Earth revolving around the sun.

2000 years of European culture to waffles really makes me laugh.

Well, thank you, everyone, for joining us.

We should, should we say this is pre-recorded?

No, because they're all pre-recorded.

It is Monday.

That's all right.

We're allowed to record on Monday.

Yeah, we're allowed to do what we want.

And John's freaking the bees.

And also, we should probably say, given that we can do what we want, we should say that there is a special return to the Bureau tomorrow, isn't there, John?

Of course, after last week's cliff announced.

Dave, I'm just happy to let things run their course and let people be excited.

I don't need to take out a full-page ad every time I wave my wand.

Talent one.

No, you'll get in trouble for that.

Don't call them talent anymore, unfortunately.

I can say my talent wants.

Oh, you can say that, yes.

Sounds like my land.

Who wants

some

almond croissant?

Anyway, thank you very much for downloading.

Goodbye.

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