#418 - Pasta Joke, Quarry Stuff and Black as Sackcloth

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BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts.

Hello everyone and welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins Show.

And we're full of the joys of spring and ready to make content, having just got back from Bournemouth, where the three of us attended the first ever British podcasters convention.

The tagline for the event was invigorate, inspire, engage.

And I'm happy to report that for Ellis and I at least, the event did its job.

The mood was fun and informal, an opportunity for those those both on and off mic to share ideas and kickback away from the prying eyes of the often vicious podcast paparazzi.

Tuesday kicked off with a series of live podcast mash-ups where presenters would swap roles, seeing what it was like to step into the others on-air world.

First up was My Dad Wrote The Diary of a CEO,

which saw entrepreneur Stephen Bartlett improvise his own erotic fiction

before Alice Levine interviewed Bill Gates without without displaying any human emotion and drinking Hule.

Less successful was the Huber Bean Lab, in which Three Bean Salad met with Stanford neuroscientist Andrew Huberman to discuss the impacts of beans, pulses and legumes on dual pathway inhibition for secondary and tertiary antithrombotic prevention in cardiovascular disease.

Henry Packer did his best to keep the conversation light with a 10-minute riff about buying a pano-raisum.

But there was no stopping Huberman, whose punishingly detailed research left little room for the beans to strut their stuff.

Mike Wozniak encouraged Ben to rank Eastern European meats when Huberman's PowerPoint briefly froze, but it was to no avail.

The experiment at least ended with a genuine mashup as graphs showing blood glucose spikes five minutes post-bean consumption were backed by the provincial dad jingle on a loop.

There was a warm welcome then for the rest is shagged married annoyed,

combining the unlikely bedfellows of Chris and Rosie Ramsey with Alastair Campbell and Rory Stewart.

Chris and Rosie brought their own unique take to Labour's fiscal constraints and upcoming elections in Gabon and Burundi before Rory Stewart brought the house down with an explainer on shaving pubic hair.

Whilst the podcasters partied, it was an early night for Dave, as he was Wednesday's keynote speaker.

The pressure was on to bring some pizzazz to the world of production and secure his reputation as the head of content responsible for the Ellis James and John Robbins show, Help I Sexted My Boss, and all 11 episodes of Jack Whitehall's Safe Space.

No, it was more than that.

By 1pm the next day, over 200 bleary-eyed broadcasters assembled, and Dave took to the stage wearing a specially commissioned pinstripe suit.

To the naked eye, it was a classic Savile Row cut, but as ever, Dave knew that it contained a lucky charm, And if you looked at the stripes under a microscope, they actually spelled out Fernandino.

Unfortunately, the good luck didn't rub off, and it was clear from the outset that he'd struck the wrong tone.

Hi, everyone!

I'm Dave Masterman.

It's a great honor to speak to you today about vertical integration and non-linear audience retention across diverse content platforms.

Boom!

I looked at Ellis, who was holding Dave's lucky snood.

Um,

can I have your attention, everyone?

Quiet, please.

I think now is a really interesting time for podcasts, and it's crucial to quantify realistic collaborative deliverables before launching to market.

Boo!

Oh no.

Then came the heckles.

Oh no.

I came here to have a right old laugh, not listen to this shit, shouted Joanne McNally.

The only collaborative deliverable I care about is how to carry 80 pints from the bar at Cardiff Arena, boomed Mike Bubbins.

But

but we need to display commercial resilience through dynamic audience crossover.

Dave was faltering.

Dynamic crossover, my ass, cried Dr.

Rangan Chatterjee.

There was nothing for it.

I would have to step in and improvise the speech of my life.

Handing Ellis Dave's lucky Cortina's friendship bracelet, I took to the microphone.

Silence fell.

Friends,

Digital Britain is knocking at the door.

Is content at home?

Cheers erupted.

As presenter of both How Do You Cope, a podcast where I speak to incredible guests about the struggles they have faced, and the Ellis James and John Robbins Show, a podcast where I play a Canadian setting up the world's first Allwood and Bureau Deschange, available only on on BBC Sounds, I stand before you with two hats on.

Sensing an opportunity, Ellis jumped down into the front row and grabbed Gemma Collins' Swarovski fedora and Adam Buxton's flat cap.

Taking a hat each, we riffed on the pros and cons of both commercial and public service podcasting, and our off-the-cuff characters, Montague Moneybags and Barry Bureaucracy, had them rolling in the aisles.

When we ended by performing an erotic dance to symbolize the potential for closer relations between commercial and public sector through hybrid lit licensing agreements, there was not a dry eye in the house.

As the applause died down, the words of the event's mission flashed into my mind.

Invigorate, inspire, engage.

I invigorated by arm wrestling Danny Robbins in a Royal Robbins Rumble,

in which I humiliated him and, by extension, all ghosts.

Ellis inspired by telling the story of a naive boy from Carmarthen who lost his way on the stand-up circuit only to find his true calling in a new technology called podcasting which would eventually give him a career from which technically he earns more than the king.

I finished by engaging and took off my top to make my pec stance if you look really closely.

The keynote was a success and there was no ill will towards Dave.

We brought him back on stage for the standing ovation, and the audience were quick to forget his dry analysis when he invited everyone back to his room for Doritos Culling and a dab of whiz.

Just so many happy memories of the conference.

I tell you one thing, Dave.

He got you out of a tight spot, mind you.

He got out of a tight spot.

I'd lost the room before I'd even found it.

Yeah,

and it was a shame because I was looking forward to it.

Stepped in, mind.

I think it was actually the pinstripe suit.

I think you came across too corporate.

Yeah, there was no way

that

Joanne McNally and Vogue Williams were going to give you 30 seconds in that suit.

And podcasting, as an industry, is full of disruptors.

It's disruptors, Dave.

It's full of agitators.

Yeah.

It's not full of people wearing suits.

It's not full of money men, Dave.

Even at the highest level,

the gatekeepers, none of them are wearing suits.

No, but in my head, the the vision that I had was I was the calm in the storm.

Yeah.

So the talent of the storm, and it's a creative storm.

But the optics were so bad.

Yeah.

And the slideshow.

So you were the sand in the picnic.

Misstep.

Yeah.

The slideshow is a misstep.

But

what a week it was.

Yeah, it was nice, though.

Nice to hang out and kick back with some of the top podcasters.

I enjoyed that.

It was nice to see Packer and Ben and Woz.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ben has just come back from a holiday in Kazakhstan.

Yes, yeah.

Yeah, and I've not asked you about that yet.

And it was nice to feel valued.

It was nice to feel valued, wasn't it?

Because we walked into a room, people were like, oh my god, oh my god, that's Ellis and John.

They've got the world at their feet, sort of, in a way.

That's what people said.

They've got the commissioned world near their feet.

They've got the commissioned world near their feet.

That's what people said.

Yeah, but anyway, how are you?

They've very enjoyed that in Drojohn.

How are you?

Good.

Up at four?

Right in that?

Yes.

Good stuff.

4 a.m.

a.m.

Is it late at 4am yet?

No.

It is if you turn your phone on to do the wordle, which was my big mistake.

Oh, no.

That's early to be cracking out the phone.

That's early, Dave.

Because your processes were in place.

I know, but I needed a wee.

Ah, you needed a wee, needed a wordle.

Needed a wee, needed a wordle.

Yeah.

What I didn't need was the next two hours tossing and a turning

in the old boudoir.

Yeah, I got up at 6 a.m.

for a wee, but I did manage to get back to sleep.

You lucky, lucky lady.

Yes.

Just me and Danny, champion of the world, with the morning chorus, of course.

It's nice, though.

It's getting light at my athletics now on a Wednesday night is starting in the lights.

Yeah, how's your triple jump coming along, Dave?

Oh, well, this is it, actually.

So there's a bit of javelin knocking about in the middle.

Some five-year-olds throwing a stick, right?

Nowhere near the side.

I'm on for a sub 40, right?

Sub 4010k.

I've got like 26 minutes.

And I've not done a sub 40 on the track yet, because it's hard and probably more accurate than my road running, if I'm honest.

And then this woman starts flagging me down.

No chance.

I'm flying.

Sorry, love.

And it turns out she literally stops me and says, Excuse me, you can't have headphones on the track.

And there are no sounds.

In case you don't hear the javelin.

In case you don't hear the javelin.

I felt like if there's a javelin coming for me, it doesn't matter whether I can hear it or not.

It's going to impale me in the back.

You never hear the javelin that kills you, Dave.

No, no, no.

That's what they say.

Because it's aerodynamic.

Yeah.

It's deliberately so.

So.

Also,

the kids, the javelins kids throw don't have sharp ends.

Also, they're throwing it three feet.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not scared of a child throwing a javelin.

I'm not scared of a child throwing a javelin, but by the end of this exchange, this lady was scared of me because I was very moody with her.

Oh,

it was the lady.

It was really the secretary of the club.

And to be fair to her, she's doing a job.

And actually, what she didn't say, which I would have got on board with, is I probably shouldn't be wearing headphones because if someone's going faster than me, I should be the one that's stepping away from the inside lane and letting a faster runner through.

If they're doing, like, let's say they're doing a practice sprint of 400 meters,

loads of them, loads of them, and I can't hear them going track.

Um, which I then started to hear after I took the headphones out, and it turns out they've probably been doing that for six months and I've just been soaring them.

So I'm probably hated on the track, yeah, but I made it very clear.

I kind of, I was shaking my head and like storming because she stopped me running and I then lost lost all my rhythms.

So you're going for a sub-40-minute 10k.

Oh, I just gave up.

Just started jumping around.

Is that the attitude?

Yeah, it was a terrible attitude.

That's terrible.

Well, it does ladies and gentlemen taught you a valuable lesson about attitudes.

And javelins.

And javelins.

Does it sound like something Steve Cram would do, Dave?

Would Paula Radcliffe have just stopped after she broke three hours at 51 years old, Dave?

Or

Emil Zotopek?

Would he have stopped?

I don't know.

Steve Cram, I've said him already.

Sebco or or Steve Ovet?

Well, the thing is, if you're in the zone and you're in a routine and you're in a groove, I reckon if someone had stepped into the track of Paula Radcliffe's sub-3 and said, oh, excuse me, Paula, do you know the way to the local chippy?

Or whatever?

Or whatever someone might say to distract a marathon runner?

I think she'd probably go, oh, great.

Cheers, mate.

Well, that person would have been taken away by security, Dave.

Where's your dad in all of this?

Yeah, good question.

Andy was nowhere to be seen.

Well, exactly.

You want Andy masterman running across with enormous piece of two by four saying no way past not you shall not pass thou shalt not pass he's on a sub 40 leave him alone not on my watch he'll he'll he's fine with the javelin dangers yeah um so i think i did like a 43 minute in the end oh how terrible yeah well it's all rubbish dick it's all relative isn't it but what was nice was the grass had been cut on the center yeah where the javelin throwing was happening when i take my kids swim in i'm on a tombs day it's late when we arrive at the pool, which for the first time since last summer, it's great.

Lovely, isn't it?

Very, very nice.

Can I shock you, though?

I hate World Book Day.

I absolutely detest it.

Did you have to dress your kids up?

Yeah, short notice.

Go on, what did you do?

Well, it's only short notice if you've not written it in your diary.

Yeah.

You can just get it, it's the same day every year, so you can just put it in your diary to repeat.

I think it puts a lot of pressure on parents.

Yeah, but

it puts more pressure on you if you always forget every year.

But he's been single parenting this week.

Yeah, because he's been in France and she's still in France because of the unexploded bomb that was discovered by Garde du Nord in France.

But if you go back through our archives, every episode that falls on your children going to primary school on World Book Day starts with, I hate World Book Day.

I do.

Just put it in your diary.

In the main,

there is an awful lot of dressing children up at primary school now that never happened when I was at primary school.

I think it's all BS.

Oh, we're dressing the kids up today

as, you know, Beaker people or Celts because they're studying it at school.

You've this is the second week you've mentioned.

I'm reading a book about the Beaker people.

Because

your imagination

exists only in your current non-fiction.

Exactly, I don't have one.

What how about my daughter went as Bellatrix the Strange from Harry Potter.

Great.

She speaks volumes.

She's sorted out her own costume.

Good on her.

My son wanted to go as Superworm.

We bought him a Superworm costume last year.

The night before, I thought, brilliant, that's done.

Betty sorted out her Bellatrix the Strange costume, and she's even got the proper wand, which is...

Anyway.

So I thought, I'll just find his Superworm costume.

I couldn't find a Superworm costume anywhere.

What time was this?

Just before I I was putting him to bed.

So he was watching Telly.

I thought, I thought, I'll find the Superworm costume, put that out, and then, you know, tomorrow morning,

it will go swimmingly.

I couldn't find the Superworm costume.

Izzy's, I mean, the, you know, night of her life in Paris.

I'm on the phone.

Where is it?

Where's the superworm costume?

She doesn't know.

Oue, the superworm.

Owe the superworm costume because this is a big pain in the A.

So in the end, he went as that famous novelist, Gareth Bale.

Great.

Yeah.

And he didn't seem to mind.

It's not true that, you know, I mean, it happens to be true that Gareth Bale hasn't written an autobiography.

I don't even think there's an unauthorised biography, but there are plenty of news articles.

There are plenty of news articles.

And that encourages reading as well, doesn't it?

There must be a book about Wales' trip to the Euros.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's on the front cover of all of them.

Well, there you go.

So there you go.

I just, you know, I love.

Get your phone out.

You pathetic,

weak-minded man.

Don't think everyone put in World Book Day and put in a week ahead.

I just think World Book Day in a week.

I just think it's needless.

I love to read.

I love reading.

But I wasn't encouraged to read by, like, for instance, I got given the Usbon Book of Castles

when I was in about 1985, 86.

And it engendered and fostered a lifelong love of history.

I wasn't read.

I wasn't dressed as someone who was protecting a Norman keep when I read it.

Was I?

I just read the book and got on with it.

Can I show you the book?

I'm not reading someone on World Book Day.

When I read Tony Jutt's post-war, which is a thousand pages long, and I'm 200 pages in because I have commitment, I'm not dressed as Stalin.

No.

I'm just reading the book.

Is my friend's daughter dressed as Percy the Parkkeeper?

Oh, that is

adorable.

That is cute.

That is adorable.

That is, I think, the cutest thing I've ever seen.

You can't send Betty as a character from Killing Thatcher.

No.

Oh my God, you sent Jeff as Norman Tebbit.

Yeah.

I mean, we did have the kid normal discussion.

He just dresses normally, and then that's that.

Yeah, I could have sent him as Norman Tebbit.

I'm listening to Danny Champion of the World on repeat at the minute.

Okay.

Okay.

Having sourced the cassette of the version I listened to when I was a kid, which has not been in print for 20 years.

Who reads that?

I don't know.

Oh, okay.

It was the it was before they got famous people to read them.

Yeah, yeah.

So there is a version read by Peter Serafinovitz on Spotify, which is good.

It's good.

Yeah.

Peter does a good job.

Okay.

But it's not.

That's the version I'm looking for.

The tempo version.

So if you're to buy a cassette player.

I bought the cassette.

I sent it to the lovely Robin who digitized it and sent me the digital recorder.

God, he's good.

He's a man of many talents, isn't he, Robin?

He's a man of many talents.

He's so useful to know.

And then I asked him if he could make me an extended, like, sort of four-minute version of the theme tune.

So he could sort of loop it.

Loop it, yeah.

Anyway, I've been listening to that maybe the past five or six weeks.

Okay.

You must have finished the novel by now.

Oh, God, yeah.

Right.

We go again.

We go again.

We go again.

Always dress your kids as Danny from Danny Champion of the World because he's just always wearing trousers and shoes and a brown top.

Yes.

But it's been happening for years, parents forgetting.

I remember there was some sort of food go on.

But it's not just World Book Day.

There's an awful lot of, oh, by the way, they're wearing

this to encourage a love of the stars.

We'll just send a letter to the school going, fine, they can dress up every day, but you have a dressing up box in school.

And they come in and they pick it out of the box.

And

you let me live my life.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, it's too big a school for that, I think.

Couldn't you just get a what?

There must be a WhatsApp group for the parents.

Say, we just actually, we're going to make a stand and not do this.

No, because everyone else is discussing on the WhatsApp group about how great World Book Day is.

No, but they don't mean that.

You had muted it, haven't you?

Always.

You had it on mute.

Just say to the school, i will give you a grand

i will give you a thousand pounds per child for every day they don't have to do this

or

send that only ever dress them in fancy dress so that replace their entire wardrobe with fancy dress so that every day they're going pre-prepared for them.

I also, I don't like fancy dress.

Everyone seems to love it.

I'm completely...

I am on the margins of society when it comes to this opinion.

Like I was turning up, there were teachers dressed as wonker, like Timothy Shanow May and Wonka, people wearing very, very, like, you know, really, really elaborate costumes.

I only remember dressing up twice as a child.

Once was as a

sort of a knight's attendant for a friend's

bonfire night party where the theme was kings and queens.

Okay.

And I had a mace made out of tin foil.

And the other was was for a solo.

My only trickle-treating experience was I dressed as a ghost and got too shy after two houses and came home.

Oh, yes.

I wasn't loved to go trickle-treating, actually.

My parents won't love me telling this story, but there was a year when they forgot.

I think it must have been a harvest festival or something where it was to do with food.

Yeah, yeah.

And they'd forgotten.

I thought you had to show a shoebox covered in tinfoil for the bananas.

That would have been better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I used to do for some reason.

They forgot on the morning, so they boiled some spaghetti, stuck it to the inside of a colander, put the colander on my head, and then wrote a sign on my chest that said, pasta joke.

What does that mean, Dave?

It's past a joke.

As in, like, it's pasta joke.

What is?

I don't know, John.

I had to go to school that harvest.

What does that say about harvest?

What does it say about Andy and Val?

Well, it raises a lot of questions.

What did the teacher say?

I don't know.

I was six.

I need to ask her.

There's a picture somewhere.

I'll dig out the picture.

Yeah, you know, someone says, oh, that's past a joke.

Because in that, it's pasta.

But what is

past a joke?

I've known the phrase.

I've never heard that phrase.

We all know the phrase.

No, I don't.

Do you know the phrase?

This is pasta.

This is past a joke.

No.

It just means things have gone too far.

I think it's quite clever because it's gone too far.

But what has?

My outfit for the day, for the day of Tuesday.

It doesn't make any sense.

They panicked, John.

What is spaghetti like on the hair after eight hours?

I don't even know.

That's my question.

I don't even remember this happening but i've got i've seen pictures so yeah that the spaghetti was boiled that the colander was on top of the spaghetti so the the spaghetti was like my hair that's math and then there was a they put it in they scribbled it in biro across a white piece of paper on my chest bastard joke and just sent me in my uniform

I admire that.

They found it hilarious, apparently.

They enjoyed the morning.

I do admire that.

Do you?

I think it's terrible for me.

It's odd.

It's odd.

But, you know, different times, different strokes, different folks, different humour.

Why did your kids go dressed up as then?

Well, Hannah.

In fact, they didn't do it this year controversially, which is, well, yeah, you would have enjoyed yourself.

I should have moved to Manchester, yeah.

But a couple of years ago,

Hannah had a day off and like she goes all out.

So they went as local stockport buses.

So

Speck went as the one.

What's that got to do with World Bus Day?

That's a good point.

Because people read on the bus.

Dave, have any of your family ever read anything

people go on the bus the wheels on the bus or maybe it was nursery was there a nursery rhyme day or something probably but i've not heard of it was it world bus day no the buses made sense so it clearly wasn't book day

um world public transport day

I can't I was showing Izzy the picture earlier.

World Book Day was the one where there's a lion on the front cover in a cage for zoo.

I went to the zoo or something.

Zoo the magazine?

Your kids went as nuts and zoo.

Yeah.

So Lila went as the lion on the front of the kids' book for the zoo.

Oh, dear zoo.

Dear zoo.

So that was very cute.

Good book.

Where there's the lion behind the red cage.

So we made the red cage and turned Lila into a lion.

We just did zero dressing up when I was at school.

Just find characters that look like your kids already.

Yes.

Like none.

I wasn't dressed.

Well, apart from when you wore pastora's hair.

I don't think I know.

I never went to fancy dress to school.

No, but this is a big thing, though.

It's annoying.

Yes, well.

Because I don't have an imagination.

It's not annoying if you do get...

If you prep and you're into it and you've got a couple of nights, it's good fun.

But I agree.

And let's face it.

And just to make you feel better at this, 80% of the parents are doing that at 9pm night.

I'll tell you one thing.

I thought the Superwoman costume was under his bed and when it wasn't there, panic.

I thought, well, what do I do now?

It's 8.46 p.m.

Yeah, it's tricky.

Dave, I've got an idea.

Yeah.

So next Friday, we'll find out what world days next Friday is, and we have to pick one of them and come in fancy dress for that day.

That's the least John Robbins idea I've ever heard.

Very unelis James.

What date is next Friday's show?

It's the 14th of March.

No, we've not got anything for the 14th.

What's the one after that?

22nd.

Okay, 22nd week.

21st, we've got a lot of choices.

We've got

okay, it's going to be quite a heavy day.

We've got World Day for Glaciers.

Okay.

Except for ice.

Yeah.

We've got Week of Solidarity with the People Struggling Against Racism and Racial Discrimination.

Okay.

I mean, you could really get that one wrong.

How much solidarity do you want?

How do you display that solidarity in fancy dress?

I think that's a veto.

Yeah, yeah.

Just say you're on board with the weeds.

Okay, Safer Ground, International Day of Forests.

Okay.

World Poetry Day.

What?

Yeah.

I'll turn up as a poet then who wears these clothes.

I'll turn up as a modern poet.

Okay, so I don't mind the forest one.

I think it's forests or glaciers, isn't it?

Yeah.

All right, John can turn up in a big, encased in a big block of ice and i'll turn it with a with a leaf on my trousers but i'll be displaying the big block of ice solely through my mood

and you will thor because you always do oh i always do if you give me enough chocolate

i'm still riding my uh carrot cake wave yes and i've had so much coffee day are we going for a chinese later on yeah big charnes

oh i want a big charnes it's just a roller coaster it really is Yeah, just one guy on the whole roller coaster.

So many little carriages, just one guy at the front.

Again, again, again, again.

Yeah, like a 90s Guinness World Record attack.

No respite.

No respite.

No respite.

No respite for the sick all over.

No respite for the roller coaster.

Crying.

But if you want to get home early, we don't have to go for a Chinese.

I can just go for my eighth coffee.

All right, we'll go for our eighth coffee and have some.

Okay, big time.

Okay.

Can we not go to the place we wanted last time?

Because it was cold.

It was cold.

And I forgot to pick up the the receipt, so I can't even expense it.

And they can't.

Can you get?

You've got the view as long as you've got it on your statement.

Is that true?

And

they kept the door open.

And it was cold.

So let's go see.

Oh, God, yeah.

What a weird experience that was.

Yeah.

Freezing cold in a chain I won't mention.

No.

Do you mind if we shut the door?

Oh, actually, we have to keep that open.

What is it?

It's January.

Yeah, it's January and it's freezing.

Oh, we just do.

And do you know what?

For the prices you pay in that establishment.

Oh, we were the only ones there?

They won't even bring the drinks over.

I had to keep going up and get the drinks from the counter.

Sounds like Panini was rubbish.

Oh, we were the only ones in there.

Surely the customer's always right.

Well, the customer's always cold.

The giving, yeah.

But we won't name it, but if you DM us on Instagram, we will tell you.

Oh, maybe you saw us in there.

Yeah.

Okay, fine.

With Joe.

A little catch-up after over a drink.

Well, I still quite want a Chinese dave, but do you want to get back early?

I always want to get back early, John.

So that's not you.

You get back early.

Why don't we just

send put it in an email, Dave?

Why don't we just go home now?

Okay.

Why do we bother broadcasting?

Do we have to do the show?

Let's just go home.

People will make it up.

They'll work out from your mood what sort of show it was.

Yes.

And then they'll fill in the blanks.

It could go down as one of the all-time greats, the Hall of Famer.

But I choose your own adventures with Ellis and John.

Right.

Oh, God.

Roller coaster's bottomed out, Dave.

Oh, no.

No.

Ellis, quick.

Do something.

Okay.

The Cymru connection.

Yes.

Well, this is exciting, isn't it?

Yes, it's exciting, Dave.

This is one of our more exciting days of Cymric Connection history, actually, given what's happened over the last week.

This is history.

Yeah.

This is history.

No, it's not.

What's this is history in Welsh?

Demahanness.

Demahanness, Dave.

What do the following stories have in common?

Wedding venue to close near market town of Mould.

Hundreds of baby goats despite contraception drive.

Welsh podcaster tries to connect with random caller in 60 seconds.

They've all featured on BBC Wales News.

Yes, that's right.

Last week we were joined in the studio by the team from BBC Wales today because Cymry Connecting had finally received the recognition it deserves.

And it was to be turned into a news feature.

In short, CymreConnecting matters to Wales.

Last Friday evening, the people of Wales were treated to a three-minute package about the cultural importance of CymreConnecting.

Here's how the package started.

With 60 seconds on the clock, Ellis James is trying to find a mutual connection with caller Rachel.

Where did you go to school?

Maned Bark in Swansea and then Goslin College.

Ah, how old are you?

43.

Oh, do you know Lewis Trequest?

No.

Questions we've all asked in an attempt to establish a link to a stranger, stranger, though usually under more relaxed conditions.

The Cymru Connection has been a feature on Ellis James's BBC Five Live podcast since July.

Ellis James's Five Live podcast, and they're speaking over me, Dave.

John, pay attention, behave.

Japan, and I discovered that he was from Aberstwyth, and within 10 seconds, I derailed the call and I named about 20 people from Aberstwyth, and he knew about 18 people.

God, I'm pale.

And so we thought there might be a feature in this.

And I have currently a sort sort of 50%

hit rate, which is worse than I would like, but I still think it's impressive.

Good.

Part one.

I mean,

it's all going to go out as a three-minute, but we thought we'd just stop it at various points.

I'm a terrible sloucher.

Whenever I see myself sitting down on

TV, I always think of how good a slouch is.

I'm a relaxed guy.

As the owner-operator of Ellis James's Five Live podcast, I think you have every right to feel comfortable and slouch.

As soon as I heard that, I thought John will have something to say about it.

He will have something to say.

It's because John, he is, for all intents and purposes, the protagonist of this package.

Dave, he's all that matters.

He's not all that matters.

When this product is sold to Wales, I am edited out.

No, you're not.

It is.

I am.

I'm replaced with Mr.

Earth.

They animate me with Mr.

Earth, the tooth decay Welsh national figure of also the Istedfod.

I think you've got a slice of the IP.

I've got a slice of the IP, but that's why they talk over me, Dave, so that no one can hear what I'm saying, so I don't get paid.

So we've heard about the origins of the feature and Ellis's thoughts, but what about my thoughts?

Yes, here we go.

Here we go.

That was actually, I think, one of the best ones we've had.

Co-host and fellow comedian John Robbins acts as adjudicator for the feature.

While they've worked together for just over a decade, they've been friends for far longer.

Before we did it as a feature, I've been lucky enough to see Ellis Connect in the wild.

And even that, you can't move on if he meets a Welsh person in the street or at a gig.

It's quite an interesting thing to observe because it's obviously a very natural interaction for Welsh people.

What do you think of Ellis' technique when it comes to cum reconnecting?

Awful.

He's actually really bad at it on a practical level, but it's a, it, you know, runs through his veins.

But he will just ask where you went to school and whether you know Mike Bubbins and then go, um, a lot.

That's good.

You're a very natural talking head, John.

john thank you you'd think i'd be on more of you know britain's hundred favourite crisps and that sort of thing yeah i've done a couple of those shows and was always extremely bad because then i get into the chair and they ask me my opinion on crisp and realize i don't have

but haven't you been on like the world cup's hundred hardest tackles no I've never been on the World Cup's hundred hardest tackles.

Obviously, I watched it.

Channel 5's 50 Best Erotic Thrillers?

No.

No, I just wrote the script for that one.

Yes.

I did do channel four's greatest ever christmas moments in the 90s or something i remember doing that one on my birthday yeah yeah and if anyone interesting uh if anyone listening is interested you get about 300 quid do you for doing one of those yeah

great yeah well yeah

okay i'm i'm in if anyway it's an afternoon fine you'd have to travel to london fine i did always think that the people in on those were getting 300 000 quid oh yeah of course you do but uh no no.

No.

See, John, you're involved now.

They've brought in John Robbins.

They've brought me in.

You happy?

Well, it's just nice to be part of Ellis James's Five Live podcasts.

And if you're a standard, obviously, you can do a gig in the night because they tend to be filmed in the afternoon.

Of course, you're coming to London in the day.

Double bubble.

So double bubble, then.

So it's good.

We're in.

It is a bit mad that they've chosen to package this up, but it's great.

No, it's not.

It's Wales Today.

This is massive.

Yes.

I watch Wales Today every night.

So far, so good.

But what about linking the Cymru connecting to the greater need to connect?

Let's say clip three.

But what is it that drives the desire to connect?

I met Dr.

Martin Graf, a University of South Wales psychologist, to find out.

In Wales, there's about three million of us.

We're a fairly exclusive club, I think.

And therefore, when we meet someone Welsh, it's kind of thrilling, isn't it?

That maybe from a kind of evolutionary angle, that meeting someone who's familiar makes them more predictable.

If people's behaviour is more predictable, we feel a little bit safer.

Well, back in London, I had to put it to the test myself.

Your time starts now.

Where did you go to school?

Brintig.

Oh, in Bridgend?

Yes.

It was decided BBC colleagues wouldn't count, and after 45 seconds.

Oh, um, Ryan, who does the alternative with Fanzine?

Yes.

Yay!

And come on!

Of course, we found our very own Cymru Connection.

Massive for me.

Massive for me, Saily.

I have to say, I found that very moving.

It's good, isn't it?

It is dave um especially the insight into the welsh dna evolution into connecting as a way of feeling safe around people awesome it's a survival instinct because ellie is a proper news reader's voice or news journalist voice it just does sound like the news

that's like the news well it's not the news

it's a feature on the news it's a light-hearted feature at the end it's certainly not news to welsh people that they need to connect it's you could say it's current affairs, couldn't you?

It is current affairs.

My daughter's got a very funny angle on this because obviously I'm her dad, but she's grown up in London.

And she will, you know, I'll say, oh, how was your day?

And she'd be like, oh, you'd have loved it.

Mum heard someone with a Welsh accent in Sainsbury's.

But if I do hear someone with a Welsh accent in Sainsbury's, I will go up to them.

And that actually is fine.

Where are you from then?

Oh, I'm from Swansea.

Oh, you live in here, no, yes.

Wallop.

We're in.

We're in.

I'm going to screen record it, my phone, and I've hit my favorites.

Yeah.

And I mean, that's not a lie, you know?

I mean, they teased ahead to it 12 hours earlier on Friday morning.

That's massive.

So it's been out now.

It's out.

It's out now.

It's in the wilds.

Mum's WhatsApp went absolutely ballistic

at 12 hours.

Yeah, yeah.

It's huge.

Okay, well, you've heard the news, but now it's time to make more headlines

because we're doing it again.

Yes,

good.

Because also, I mean, after last week, just to remind people of how it did actually go down last week, it was a belt up.

Two extraordinary connections, one with a regular caller, and then another one with Ellie, the journalist who came down.

If you like the Cymru connection, last week was, and this week is fantastic.

Yeah, I would say that

if you think it's run its course,

then this is a stretch.

I would say the one with Ellie was a proper

because I did it with like 59, you know, 45 seconds on the clock, whatever.

I looked like I was going nowhere.

Yeah.

But it's all the cogs of the wording.

Let's do it again.

It's another come reconnection.

Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

But his questions have one direction.

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffy Levins?

No,

come on, mate.

You must do no.

We've never met

at all.

On last week's show, Ellis managed to successfully collect with not one but two of his fellow Welsh country folk in dramatic scenes worthy of an Oscar-winning thriller.

Caller Rachel was connected with via her line manager Matt, with whom Ellis had done his history MA in 59 seconds.

That was Box Office.

Yeah, that was Box Office.

What's Welsh for Box Office?

So

that was Soydva de Kunne.

Yeah.

Then BBC Wales Today presenter Ellie Rice.

She's a sort of phrase in Welsh.

It's a very funny thing to say.

Yeah, that was Soydva de Kunne.

Then BBC Wales Today presenter Ellie Rice was connected with via Ryan, who does the alternative Wales fanzine with only seconds to spare.

That was Soydva de Kunne.

It was massive for Alice.

I can Welsh always say token pyth to mean a hot ticket because it's not a phrase.

So it sounds very funny when you translate from another language.

But that's Soydva de Kane.

It was a brace of connections for Ellis that upped his connection rate to 52%.

Buoyed on by those wins, how will he fare today?

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello, caller.

Hi there.

I am now going to

put 60 seconds on the clock.

Ellis, those 60 seconds are all that stand between you and connecting greatness.

Your time starts now.

Where'd you go to school?

Maraduna.

Oh, okay.

So, how old are you?

45.

45.

Beth Mead.

No.

Yvonne, who I did youth counsel with.

No.

Come on.

Riannon Rees.

No.

Alan from Planstefan, who's very tall.

No, sorry.

Everyone knows him.

He's like six foot five or something.

Sorry.

You're 45.

You went to Maradun.

Did you go to Madun for the whole time you were there?

I did go.

Well, I went to six foot for Mother Greig.

Okay, what do you do for a living?

Oh, I'm a recruitment consultant

in Bristol.

Okay, that's fine.

Alex Dingley.

No.

Come on, man.

Rich used to work in the spread in town.

Mates.

Not yet, yes.

I mean, I've been into the spread and

think, think, think, think, think, think.

Katie Jones, who I was at school with, in Brumadin, was two years above me at school.

No.

What?

Rod Gilbert?

Well, yes, he went to Maradunum and he was friends with my sister.

Well, that's not surely.

Yes, it is.

Well, the time was up for starters.

Yeah, but I

know Rod's a long name, so it took a while for me to say it.

But has this contributor.

Rod's a long name.

Rod Gilbert, Rod Gilbert, that's true.

Similar syllables.

I knew my sister is four syllables.

Exactly, so it's

losing time.

Either way, it doesn't matter because the caller didn't know Rod Gilbert.

When did you leave Kamalan out of curiosity?

When I was 18.

You're 45, so you're a year older than me.

Yeah,

I was sure we'd have a connection, but.

We've got one.

I just need time.

Well, are we going to the Sun Lounger, Dave?

You can go to the Sun Lounger if you like.

Ellis, it feels like.

Otherwise, it's got to stop here.

Yeah, otherwise you, yeah, no more communicating.

No, let's do it.

Put the Sun Lounger music on, please.

Bethmead.

Yeah,

he's lost it.

He has lost it.

Thank God this didn't happen last week.

Let's see you and I go face it.

I thought we were only one year, school year year apart but i actually think we're two school what's your exact date of birth uh 17th of april 1979.

okay so you are yes i think we're two spot me in school but that's fine that's absolutely fine um do you know gail who used to run dr m's in town

well

kind of yeah okay well i know gail because that was where i had my first job so surely that works no

okay

um

where do your mum and dad dad live?

What part of town?

Uh, Ferryside, I grew up in.

Ah, now that is significant.

Oh, do you know the Fleggs?

The Flegg family, Jamie and Charlie?

No.

Okay, that's fine.

Uh, Lee used to edit the Command and Journal.

No.

Come, cheek.

This is this a practical joke?

Is this a bit?

Is this a routine?

Okay, that's fine.

Robert Harris, who works for the Command and Journal.

No, I think.

Or anyone who works for the journal.

Why don't you ask the caller to talk about some of their friendship groups?

Now you're on the Sun Lounge.

Oh, yes, we're on the Sun Lounger.

Okay, so what are your hobbies?

My hobbies?

Oh, Malcolm Morse, who's got big with the athletic club.

I thought that who was a dad?

He was, yeah.

I mean, yeah,

I can't remember.

He's got kids who played for athletic youth and stuff.

Yes, yeah.

I know.

Well, I knew his son, Wayne.

Yes,

there we go.

His son.

So do you know Wayne?

Yes, I do know him.

Yeah.

So that's fine, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Wayne does it.

I've got it.

Why don't you talk about some of your name some of your friends growing up?

Yes, name some of your friends.

So I went to the Gride with Badikser, who was from...

Oh, okay, yeah.

She was older than me.

Yeah, and Malary, her sister.

Of course, of course, of course.

I'm not angry.

What's your name?

Sorry, Cola.

Moena.

Moena.

Sorry, Moena.

It sounds like I'm angry with you.

I'm not angry.

I'm never angry with Cola.

I'm only ever angry with myself.

Doesn't feel like we've got that golden bullet, does it?

No, it's interesting because, and also, what I would say here is, Ellis, you're trying your hardest.

You are firing out.

Moena, what were some of your early jobs?

Like teenage jobs, summer jobs?

I worked in Sweetmans, in the bakery.

Truman Leighton, who works on the trains.

Oh, yes, yes.

Oh, good, good, good.

I was at school with his Carris, his wife.

Ah.

And I know Leighton because we used to drink in the same pubs.

That's one.

That is one.

That is one.

That's a good one.

That is one, it feels like.

Do you know Leighton, Corla?

Yeah, I mean, growing up in Carmarthen, you know lots of people, although it doesn't sound like I do, but

you do.

That's good.

That's good.

So that's fine.

I mean, it doesn't give Alice the point,

I'm afraid, because if

this is

the Sun Lounge, yeah.

I feel like I've gone away to an Eastern European country in Europe.

Yeah.

And I've had to really batten down the hatches.

And yeah, it's a nil-nil.

But we're bringing them back for the homeland.

Second egg will win this.

More wena, were you aware of any golden bullet connections before you called in?

No, I wasn't.

I just thought because we both went to school in Carmarthen and we're a similar age, then

you'd have thought that would have been there.

Well, Leighton would have done it.

Layton would have done it.

It took me a while to get to Lytton.

Yeah, that's the thing.

It's too long.

I mean, considering that Mulwenna is the same age and went to the same town as you, it feels poor.

I think that's my fault.

No, no, no, no.

No, it's never your fault, Marwena.

It's the format.

It's never your fault.

No, it's not the format's fault.

It's my fault.

We got the lit, and that's fine.

That's in the bank.

Because what this proves is, with Moenna on the line, that there are some points where the connection isn't known between Corla and Ellis.

Because that was always the format.

And that was a big test for me because she's from Carmarthen.

She went to school in Carmarthen.

She's roughly my age.

That's a big test for me.

And yeah, I failed, but I got there in the end.

Thank you, Moena.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, Moena.

Thank you very much for calling in.

and we'll have another one of those next week.

Let's take five minutes to catch our breath.

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Well, welcome back, everyone.

We have firmly got our pants back on after that very exciting Cum Reconnection there.

But it's time to venture down another darkened path, isn't it, Dave?

It is, yes.

Because we laid a tantalising

mattress on the street last week.

No, they're never tantalising.

And Ellis and I are going to lay on that mattress.

And it's a mattress that dates back to 2005.

So the mattress has been on the street for a week.

Yeah, and the council are doing f all about it.

A guy, a guy in Buckinghamshire, right?

Yeah.

Dumped 150 tyres into a ditch and got a 1,200 quid fine.

That's not good enough.

Well, no.

He's won.

Of course.

Yeah.

Because it's cheaper than disposing.

And he's only paying 50 quid a month.

He's lucked out.

That makes more sense than it is.

Yes, it's cheaper than disposing of 150 tyres.

It's absolutely insane.

And that's my hot take this week.

There is a farm on the way to Narbuth Crematorium.

There's a farm with a big sort of mound of tires.

That mound of tyres must have been there for about 40 years because I remember it when I was very, very little.

I don't know what they're doing there.

Especially when they live so close to a cram.

Yeah,

just combined forces on a quiet day.

Exactly.

Is that allowed?

It would be a very rubbery funeral.

Well, yeah, I imagine that's pumping it into the oh there's no what what do you do what do you do with rubber when you're trying to get rid of it we recycle it yeah that's the best yeah that's the answer isn't it throw in a ditch but at least if you can't be fly tipping if it's your own property no i mean if it's health and safety obviously environmental health might come around and say stop dumping all your rubbish in your garden But I'd rather see a big pile of tires on a farmer's private property than in a ditch.

Yes.

I just, every time.

It's on the left-hand side is coming from Kamalen.

And I've always wondered, what's that big...

Well, all farms have

sometimes use it to weigh down the plastic covering for manure heaps.

I think that's maybe what it is.

If anyone knows, please contact Sean Edison Sean.

If you're a farmer and you've got a lot of tires, what are your options?

We'd love to hear.

Go-karting tracks.

Go-karting tracks.

They sometimes cut them up and use them as the

basis for horse

circuits, like a running track for horses.

Yes,

weightlifters use them.

Yes.

Hitting them with big sledgehammers.

Yep.

Anyway, let's talk about this mattress, Dave.

Yes, the tantalizing mattress that's been on the street.

Let me find the mattress and you remind listeners what's happening.

Okay, so a couple of weeks ago, it was the 20th anniversary of John's first ever standard.

Oh, my blushes, Dave.

And to celebrate this momentous occasion, I wrote part one because it's a multi-part series.

It could stretch into 2026, Dave, at this rate.

This could be for Netflix one day.

I wrote part one of John Robbins' This Is Your Stand-Up Life, in which I introduced and interviewed characters from John's early years in comedy.

So, part one was available last week, part two was available on last Friday's show.

But during part one,

John dropped the bombshell that his first ever stand-up set hasn't been lost in the sands of time.

It's actually available on his desktop, on his laptop computer.

Now I remember John's very early gigs because as I said in the

This Is Your Stand-Up Life, something like, we're unsure of the exact chronology, but it's something like his second gig was my third gig.

So we've known each other since the very beginning.

And I remember John's demeanor.

back in those early years.

I also remember his on-stage persona, but I don't remember an enormous enormous amount of the material.

Now, John won't perform it, but he is going to let me read it.

Now, I haven't heard this stuff for 20 years.

I certainly haven't seen it, so I'm going to be reading it now for the first time, and I'll be offering my thoughts.

Okay.

So, John, how much are you allowing Alice to read out loud from this?

Anything?

I think he's going to have to use his own.

intuition.

Because he needs to do something here to react.

Otherwise, we are just listening to someone read something.

That's true.

Well, Alice, what's caught your eye?

Lovely joke to begin with.

Okay, well, why didn't you show me that?

Been a bit depressed this Easter.

You?

Depressed?

What a...

I never would have thought it.

Still single and thought it'd be a good idea to put a personal Zad in the sun.

Of course, it didn't work because you can't look directly at it.

That's good.

I don't mind that.

That's a proper joke.

That's jokes.

That's a proper...

That is jokes, bruv.

That's jokes, bruv, isn't it?

That is jokes.

No mabes about it.

No.

that's different humour for you as well john very different humour isn't it uh

i don't mind this you're talking about trying to start a conversation in a club but with it being noisy you once suggested maiming across the dance floor like do you want to go and talk but it looked like you were saying phones for you

And I don't mind that step.

Phones for you.

Yeah, phones for you.

Because they used to have that little.

Yes.

Oh, phones for you.

Phones for you.

It's of a time.

Yeah.

This is good.

the last time i took a girl out was a total disaster i took her to this quarry

that made it into my so you think you're funny well i remember your quarry stuff

you were the most you were the most quarry orientated comic on the on the up and mic scene yeah a lot of quarry girls because there was so much golem from lord of the rings stuff everyone had a golem from lord of the rings bit and i thought i'd set myself apart from you because you had quarry stuff so is that was that the punchline or is that

no?

No, I mean, I'm reading this for the first time.

Yeah, sorry, of course.

It's just

the other thing that set John apart was he was the only person who talked about how sad and depressed he was.

Everyone else was trying to be a beat, because obviously it's an open microline, so there's usually very few people in the audience, and the people who are there often have quite low expectations.

So, you end up being like a kids' TV presenter, you're trying to sort of, or like a red coat or something.

Not this guy, Dave.

But I admire that.

Thanks, Dave.

Well, I thought he was very brave.

I was always impressed at John's bravery.

Well, who were the comedians that inspired you in that?

And not necessarily the exact content you're doing, but being a little bit more realistic.

Is it like a Jack?

Is there a Jack D in there, maybe?

I haven't seen any stand-up comedy, really.

Oh, really?

So

I was going entirely based on sort of,

I guess, Woody Allen's 60s stand-up tapes.

Oh, yes, like the moose.

I shot a moose once.

I I was hunting in upstate New York and I shot a moose.

That's a great routine.

And

like the day-to-day.

Yeah.

But

I was a very odd persona.

It was quite deadpan, quite dark.

It was a bit dark, I think.

Well, also, the other thing I thought when I was an open mic, I think this is still true, actually, of open micas, I equated dark with being challenging and thus being good.

So if someone was dark, but they didn't didn't make me laugh, I would still say, Oh, yeah, yeah, they're brilliant.

Yeah, they're so dark.

Do you laugh?

No, not really.

It's horrible what they were saying, but it's so dark.

So, he's good then.

Oh, yeah, very good.

I think there might be quite a lot of biblical references in it, Dave.

I mean,

there's anger that's just biblical references.

Isn't that?

Yeah,

it's a whole riff on Easter with some biblical, some quite obscure biblical characters.

Were you into it?

I think I thought you were into the Bible at this point.

I just had a sort of a knowledge of the King James sort of style of language.

Yes, I remember discussing this with you in the car, thinking he really is a one-off, this guy.

For example, still Easter weekend, a time of eating eggs and being crucified.

Thankfully, only one tradition remains.

Bear in mind, three people in the audience, okay?

None of them are paid anything.

Quite a lot of them are reticent and unsure of what the evening holds.

An occasion on which, according to the Gospels, the sky turned as black as sackcloth for six hours.

John Robbins, everyone!

You don't hear the phrase black as sackcloth as much.

But I loved it because I was looking for.

Whenever I watch comedy,

I like comedians who do things I can't, I could never do myself.

Or wouldn't.

Yes.

Or choose not to.

So, so I used to like that because I used to think I would just never, I would never say that.

I was too much of a people pleaser.

But

I doubt it, Thaddeus.

Not many people.

I would have got Thaddeus from this morning with Richard, not Judy.

Oh, yeah.

Because they had that bit about the disciples.

Right.

And who was the disciple that

they never listened to?

Maybe it was Thaddeus.

I can't remember.

I'm not sure.

And now back to the quarry and some corpse stuff.

Good grief.

The corpse stuff isn't very you, and now some decomposition stuff.

And now some sex stuff.

Wow.

Yeah.

Now, this paragraph is a gear change.

You've gone

lovely little joke at the top, phones for you impression.

Biblical references, corpses.

Decomposition, sex.

The John Robin story.

Parking tickets.

Where are, who are you?

I think I segued from corpses to Norwich Union.

Yes, you do.

Yeah, big time.

Big time.

Yeah.

Do you know what?

This is so on brand.

It goes corpses scrabble Norwich Union.

Yeah.

Wow.

Because that's essentially.

Bumpane, Wordle, and SNI.

So it's kind of similar.

It's a weave.

It's a weave that you're still weaving.

It's a weave I'm still weaving.

What John does now, having watched all of John's shows, is that if he takes you to a dark place, there's always a nice joke at the end of it.

So as a viewer and an audience member, you feel safe.

You know, it's not just one man's, you know, collapse.

And it's not just despair.

Because if it was just despair, it would be in the wrong bit of the brochure.

And was for a few years.

Yeah, It would

be despair, despair, punchline, despair, punchline.

Yeah, okay, so you're safe.

This is very dark.

Do you feel safe?

No, I don't feel safe.

I feel unsettled, but you see, I liked it at the time because I now

there are parts of this that are coming back to me because I remember John at this pitch.

It's just it's been 20 years.

Yes, of course.

Like, I do remember the corpse decomposition bit

And the Angela Jolie bath bombs stuff.

What is that?

Dave, when there's a zeitgeist, you've got to get involved.

Yeah.

Because you've got to connect with your audience.

And

what was in the cultural conversation in 2005?

Norwich Union?

Yeah.

And Angelina Jolie.

Because of two.

And bath bombs and phones for you.

And bath bombs and phones for you.

And what did John bring into the conversation?

Corpses and decomposition.

And the sky turning black as sackcloth.

The The sky turning black as sackcloth.

How does he end?

About bums.

Anyway,

if you enjoyed that glimpse by the magician's cloth, he's performing it live.

Tune in on Friday because there'll be more.

John's It's Your Stand-Up Life.

There'll be another installment in that.

Well, on our first tour in 2016, I did Jordi Financial Year, which is my first opener.

Yes.

Because what set me apart on the upper mic circuit in Cardiff in 2005 was my ability to do a Sunderland accent.

But is this as leading towards God's account?

I know that Sunderland are Macams, but, you know, for God's sake, I was performing in front of five people.

Well, let's have a little Shamewell.

What was I thinking?

Why did I say he had nice ankles?

She was stood behind me the whole time.

I didn't know he's only got one hand.

I was signed in on her Gmail.

John Shamewell.

Yes, and the theme is holiday shame, Dave.

Oh.

Because obviously, now the sun is out, thoughts turn to where we might be exploring to gather some summer sun.

Where are you going on holiday this year, Dave?

Oh, it's my dad's 70th.

Oh, lovely.

We're all heading off to Portugal together, so the whole family certainly lovely.

My brother-in-law, mum and dad, we're all renting a big villa.

And I genuinely cannot wait.

Your kids will love that.

The kids will love it to be a little bit of a mum centre.

Yes, we all stayed

in a big place together, and my children are still going on about it.

Yeah.

Looking forward to it.

Where are you going, Ellis?

You're going to Alberfuera again?

Albefuera.

Yeah.

I might go to France in August, maybe.

Very good.

Very good.

Hello, my stalton stalwart soldiers.

Please let me tell you about the time I almost killed my girlfriend.

This happened eight years ago and still makes my stomach turn in shame.

My girlfriend and I were on a backpack, a bikepacking holiday in Germany.

Having arrived at a small campsite, my girlfriend starts to do some yoga, while I absentmindedly strolled around the tent, hands in pockets, fidgeting with a two-euro coin.

It is at that time that my girlfriend wants to show me a particularly silly yoga move, the lion's pose.

It's the one where you get on all fours and do a sort of roar, mouth wide open and tongue stretched all the way out.

Why I did what I did next, I'll probably always wonder at.

I suppose I thought it was a silly joke.

In any case, I placed the two Euro coin that I'd been holding on the tip of her tongue, like an offering to the boatman ferrying people into the afterlife.

Now I can hear you saying, a coin is the most disgusting thing a person can put in their mouth.

Could this get any worse?

Yes, it could.

Because in the blink of an eye, my girlfriend was standing upright, coughing, tears streaming down her face, shouting, what have you done?

The coin was gone

with iguana-like reflexes.

She flicked the two euros down her gullet, and it had now got stuck in her esophagus.

Oh no.

Panic.

We needed to get to a hospital because the coin would not go down.

But how?

We only had our bicycles

in a very sparsely populated and mountainous forest in Germany.

Oh no, it's agony.

It's agony.

Both the owner of the campsite and any taxi company proved unwilling to come to our rescue.

So 40 minutes later, I'm sitting white faced next to the ambulance driver, imagining the conversation I'd have with my in-laws, telling them that I killed their daughter because I thought she was a gumball machine.

Oh, wow.

You'd be a news story forever.

Oh, yeah.

You'd be knocking the company connection off the news, I'll tell you one thing.

They were Welsh, that item one.

Luckily, it all ended okay.

She lived to tell the tale, and we are still together.

Oh, great!

The coin passed naturally, and she now keeps it, rust and all, in a scrapbook.

The 700-Euro ambulance bill neatly cleaned out my savings at the time, but my conscience has not been clean since.

Needless to say, I will never follow an impulse again.

Please accept my shame into the well.

Yeah, I take on board your shame.

Yeah.

I take on board the nation's shame.

I love that she kept it.

Oh, yeah.

That's great.

What's nice there is that.

I'm glad he didn't tell us how she kept it.

Yes.

I'm sure it's been given a little wash.

Oh, yeah, but then

how do you access it to get...

I mean,

in police stations, there's a little sieve.

Is that?

I feel...

I used to be such an idiot.

But then I made too many mistakes.

Were you?

Were you the clown?

I didn't have you down as the...

Oh, I made...

I once put chewing gum in Robin's hair.

One of the worst things I ever did.

I just took it out of my mouth.

I just thought it'd be fun.

Immediate, immediately.

I did a lot of stuff

would be fun.

Regret coursing through every centilitre of your blood.

And I did a lot of silly stuff and I did a lot of stuff without thinking.

And I got to a certain age

where I thought you just don't do anything.

Yeah.

Should we just apologize now for all the wrong we've ever done?

Yep, yes.

So sorry for all the wrong I've ever done.

Sorry, sorry.

Don't you want to apologise for all the wrong you've ever done?

Yeah, I'm just thinking about a couple of things.

We'll just cover all now.

Because it's on air, it counts as a comment.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

So, sorry.

Manflin, Manflin, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Je suis desolé.

Je suis desolet.

What was I was mala latette?

I was bad in the head.

Yeah, I was bad.

What's I was?

I don't know.

Come on, you're learning French.

I was.

It's one of the basic ones.

I can't remember I was.

Je suis mala latette.

I am.

I know.

I want to know what I was with.

Ja was.

Jawaz, mala latette.

Je suis désolé.

Times a million, and that's all forgiven.

It's good that he's still with us.

Jette.

Jette mala latette.

That's it.

I think it means you've got a headache, doesn't it?

Yes, I got a headache, Dave.

Yeah.

What's a shameful memory in French?

I don't know, but like bad would be mauvet.

Mauvet.

What's memory?

I think it's memoir, actually.

Mauvet, memoir.

Jette, mauvet, memoire, Dave.

But yeah, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

So sorry, so sorry, so sorry, crew.

And then you get to a stage where you're just like, I'm just going to play it safe.

And then the release of death.

Yes.

And then we don't bend, we ascend.

And the sky goes black as sackcloth.

Yeah.

And we all head off to a quarry.

And then Jesus forgives us all, Dave.

So it all works out in the end.

Holy moses.

I'll tell you one thing, lot riding on Jesus' forgiveness for me.

Oh, yeah.

Enormous.

And I can grovel.

Yeah, I can and I will.

You might want some other gods to chip in as well.

Yeah, like a reference.

Yeah, Vishnu.

You say he's another goddamn.

Get them all involved.

Get them all involved.

I can vouch for him.

Get them all involved.

What you ideally want is like a parole board of

the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of Vishnu, Ganesh,

Jesus,

the Zoroastrian one.

Just get them all.

Get them all on board, Dave.

Pagan ones.

Yes.

Get the pagans on.

Odin.

Get Odin in.

Good knowledge, John.

Oh, Thor, Dave.

Yeah, get them all on a panel.

You say, here are all my wrongs.

Yeah.

And then it's like that scene.

I kicked a coin onto my girlfriend's Time in the Meta Cycle to Hospital.

Sorry.

And then it's like that scene in the Shawshank Redemption.

Rehabilitated.

What do you think rehabilitated means?

What a film.

Oh, what a film.

What a film.

I want to meet that man, Dave.

I'm thinking about shameful things now.

There's not a day that passes.

Should we all go and watch the Shoreshang Redemption have a big Chinese?

Yeah,

under a duvet.

Under a duvet, but the Chinese is on top of the duvet, so it acts as like an enormous bib.

So it's a bib that we can all wear, and we tuck it into our t-shirts.

God.

They've got mock duck, Dave.

I don't mind.

I do mind, but I understand where this person was coming from.

It's a funny joke to put a coin on your partner's tongue.

We've all thought about it.

It would have been.

I would have popped it down the bum crack.

That's good stuff because it's not in your mouth.

It's not in your mouth.

It's not hurt anyway.

It's not going to hurt anyone.

Yeah.

It's already a bit unhygienic down there, probably.

If it's a holiday.

Oh, if you're on a holiday.

Yeah.

Oh, mine's awful.

So, folks, let me direct you to the Bureau de Change of the Mind on BBC BBC Sounds because it's bonus content for BBC Brethren.

That is.

I suppose that's good.

I don't know.

I was going to say brothers then, but I thought that was too gendered.

So then I

think I steered down the wrong track, Dave.

Do you know what?

I don't mind it because it's just nice to hear you promoting the content.

Oh, it is.

And what content it is.

And it's an interesting one from Saturday from our friends in the southern hemisphere, isn't it?

Yes, indeed.

Yes, indeed.

Interesting bureau.

So let's go for a Chinese.

Bye.

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