#419 - BQWND, The Bailiff of Content and Watching Mince Defrost in Real Time

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Hello everyone and welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins Show plus Dave Masterman.

Yes.

Well, thanks.

Although I'm a bit intimidated by Dave Marmin.

Introducing Dave Masterman.

Yeah, with Dave Masterman

and Dave Asterman.

Ask for the and Dave.

What?

What do you mean?

That's what they say in film.

In films.

Oh, ask for the and.

Yeah, so it'd be like

Brad Pitt, Ellis James, Hugh jackman and john robbins i've never understood that well so what's the reasoning behind that because it makes you sound cool

but it's often so far down the bill but it's often the biggest name isn't it but it'll be like for a bit part yes

yeah but a bit part that deserves the and

and that's a very difficult place to get yourself to in hollywood you're just lucky to have them yeah absolutely yeah yeah yeah they've just walked onto the set and you're like great they're getting six figures for a day's work dave

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

I never know how much, like, sometimes when friends of Ellis and mine are in films,

I never know whether it's a couple of G's or like Project 2032 retirement money.

Or is it's just good for awareness.

Or is it just good for awareness?

And sometimes it's rubbish.

Yeah.

So, you know, Inside Out 2.

Yeah,

what a franchise.

They're going to give away their free structure.

All of the actors, original actors, quit

because they were getting 20 grand each and the main female voice was getting a million.

Wow.

Can you imagine?

Really?

If you were like, because a lot of people...

Well, that's very similar to this pay structure, isn't it?

Because obviously, like, 20 grand is an enormous amount of money, but, you know, Hollywood-wise.

It is a huge amount of money.

I think what might be difficult would be on set knowing that someone else was getting £920,000 a week.

50 times your wage.

Yeah.

If you found out the person next to you in the office was earning 50 times your wage, Dave,

you'd chat to Stuart, wouldn't you?

Well, you see,

I'm not sure anymore because I was in before you this morning, and so I was privy to something that you've seen over the last few weeks.

Business Dave.

Business Dave.

You're talking about outreach really loudly at a cafe because he's got his AirPods in.

On a power call.

Yeah.

So

I was writing a feature for this show.

Yeah.

Happy is Larry.

Tapping away.

I could just, I could just, it wasn't the business speak that I was expecting.

So I walked in, I could see him on the on a call.

I thought, oh, great, I'm going to get to hear some brilliant business vanilla.

I'm going to do, I'm going to use the office more often.

It was just not a bad idea, Dave.

It's not a bad idea.

But it was just, he's done more.

I've not heard from him.

Challenge it.

Challenge it.

Challenge it.

Challenge that.

It's not good enough.

Challenge it.

I didn't say that.

I was like, wow.

Because Steve obviously is the boss at Order Always, but are you the enforcer?

Are you the bailiff of contact?

Are you Edward Woodward and the equaliser?

You're the bad guy, are you?

When Dave face times, you hide behind the sofa.

Big time.

Challenge it.

Not heard from him.

Not good enough.

You do your own workflow?

Dave, do you do your own workflow?

No, I don't do it.

He smashes his own workflow.

Seth.

He serves his knee with a like a pool cue.

So, yes.

Good vibe in the office today, isn't it, Dave?

Yeah.

We're all ready.

I've brought pastries.

Were you wearing pink, which I must admit is a very jolly colour?

I am welcoming splashes of colour into my life.

Oh,

in order to perhaps send a message to my subconscious that things aren't that bad.

Okay.

But I went for a sartorial walk in London with Henry Packer.

Oh, lovely.

We go for our sartorial walks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he takes me to high-end London fashion outlets.

Yeah.

You did this this morning?

No, this was on

the day before yesterday was Wednesday, wasn't it, Dave?

So he basically provides the function that would usually

be provided by a girlfriend.

Yeah.

Or a butler.

Or a butler.

So he's...

Henry is my girlfriend slash butler, whereby he tells me what's fashionable.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He tells me what prices to expect so I don't swear when I look at the labels.

Yes, because you will do that, Dave.

Yeah, he tells me,

like, what cuts are in.

So it's Richard Gere and Pretty Woman.

He's Richard Gere.

You're Julia Roberts.

I don't know.

And they have sex on a piano.

Yeah, is that what happens in that film?

And you say big mistake when someone tries to kick you out of a posh clothes store.

Yes.

So we went, there's this amazing little street in Shoreditch with

lots of.

I can't remember some of of the names.

If I mention lots of names, that's okay, isn't it, Dave?

Folk.

Yeah, yes.

Toast.

Toast.

Toast.

Yeah, yeah.

S-C-R-T.

I don't know what that is.

I don't know what that is.

Universal Works.

That kind of vibe.

Yeah.

And we go into a shop, and what Henry likes to do is out loud discuss the vibe of the shop in earshot of the

customer service assistant.

So he'll be like, oh, this is almost too cool.

It's so cool, it's cool, but it's not cool.

And the guy behind me loves Caroline.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we went into one place and I said, Henry, do you know what this place is saying to me?

Ed Gamble.

It was very Ed Gamble.

Lots of kind of jackets.

Yeah, skulls.

Yeah, bright mustards.

Yeah.

Caps, baseball caps, and film quotes.

Yeah.

And skulls and Donnie Darko visuals.

But we found this shop which

chains.

Is it ethical, Dave?

Yes, it is, actually.

It supports three different charities and has very high standards in its factories, actually, Dave.

Oh, it is.

Yeah.

So, and yeah, it was really nice.

So it's all

blank stuff.

It's just like block-coloured

tops and things.

So the anti-ed gamble.

In some ways, it's the anti-gamble.

Okay.

But they also have a deal where it says five things.

You get 25% off.

Oh, wonderful.

Okay.

I mean, you do need to be careful about mentioning this brand at this point.

I'm not going to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because we've gone too far down that rabbit.

Is it rugged workwear?

No.

Okay.

But the lady in the shop was really nice and really passionate about the company, which I thought was quite.

Oh, that's nice.

Was it quite boutique-y then, I assume?

No, not really.

It's like I bought a t-shirt from a company, which I won't name.

And he was really passionate about the company.

And I feel like saying, mate, I've bought it.

He wants you to buy again.

I don't care.

But, yes, I thought, go pink.

Yeah.

Go pink or go home.

That's what they say.

This suit, too, actually, pink.

Well, I've only ever been digitally in pink before.

What does that mean?

Well, the image to a very popular podcast, Ellis,

that has come out recently is making waves in the sort of mental health scene.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I did you an enormous favor by not doing it and thus setting you free.

I shot up the charts.

Yeah, I set John free, but I say, actually, I'm not going to do it.

But I was wearing a white t-shirt in that, but Jem Ward, our fantastic illustrator on ship.

What a man.

He digitised me in pink.

And I thought, you know what?

I like pink robins.

So, yeah.

But

I was dressed yesterday.

I was wearing all beige, and I remembered when you said I looked like an astronaut.

So I decided not to wear that in.

I don't think I would have said you looked like an astronaut.

Yeah, I did.

Yeah, you said I looked like an astronaut.

Was that me?

Oh, sorry.

That's all right.

See, when I think of beige, I think of man

or kids' meals, like chicken dippers and chips.

And it's an entirely beige group.

You think that's probably not great, is it?

So, yeah, Pink Robbins is a lot freer.

Yeah.

A lot more relaxed, a lot more energized.

God, I mean, yeah, I can see you on a hammock.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I don't want to give away all my fantastic ideas, but given the last 10 minutes of this conversation, I do think there's a gap in the podcast market for quite a fun.

Pink pod.

Pink, we could call it pink pod.

Quite a fun, but quite a knowledgeable men's fashion podcast.

I don't think enough people are kind of.

Oh, you need Packer for that.

Do you need Packer?

Because I was also thinking stuff.

Well, get Packer.

Get Phil Dunster, Jamie Tart, because he looked very cool when he came into this podcast.

Maybe yourself as a guest appearance every now and then, John.

Ellis, you could bring the terrace fashion to the table for the away day fashion.

Someone and then someone from GQ.

Yeah, but that makes it too serious almost.

I want it to be jovial and accessible.

Okay, all right.

Okay, so what are we calling the fashion podcast?

Threads.

Cat Talk.

Yes, Cat Talk's good.

I like that.

Didn't initially get it, but I do know.

No, I have to give it some thoughts.

London Fashion Speak.

Yes.

Cat Talk sounds like a cat podcast.

It does, yeah, actually.

That's the issue.

What about London's Fashion Speak, Dave?

London's Fashion Speak.

I don't understand it.

London Fashion Week.

London Fashion Week.

Yeah.

And we're speaking, speaking, so it's a podcast.

Okay.

Does it kind of center?

Maybe it just kind of makes it too London-centric, I'd suggest.

All right, London Fashion Speak plus Wolverhampton.

Good.

What about, oh, where'd you get that?

Threats.

And every time you say it, you've got to say in that way, you're listening.

Thank you very much for downloading.

So, oh, where'd you get that?

That's good because it makes it accessible.

Yeah, yeah, because

men want to dress well as well, you know.

Yeah, I know.

No one's saying they don't.

No, I think there's still a general conception that men just kind of get a jean and get a t-shirt.

No, I don't think so.

I think there is a lot of things.

You got to speak to Henry Packer, man.

I do.

I think there's still a bit of a hangover from that.

You made a very good point on Three Being Standard once, though, because I've known Henry for a very long time and I've seen his look slightly change.

And when he was in his early 30s, he wore a lot of tweed, like a sort of ironic codger.

But then once you're into your 40s, you just look like a codger.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

so then you've got to decoder yourself you've got to de-codge yeah they just call it codgers

that sounds like a sex podcast that we're trying to do it does actually doesn't it

um so yes that's been uh that's been my experience just pepping up the wardrobe and i went through my wardrobe as soon as i got home because it's at peak capacity and i just went does it give me joy does it give me joy does it give me joy and just got rid of all the stuff that doesn't give me joy oh wow which includes

four queen t-shirts did it they don't give me joy because they smell as soon as i I put them on, even though they're brand new.

That's joyless.

It's no good.

Having a smelly John Deacon face on your torso.

What are the chicks?

I'm going to dig that, Dave.

I'm also not a reflection on John Deacon.

Oh, not at all.

His personal hygiene is not in doubt.

But, Dave, when I'm in the nightclub and 50 hot chicks see I'm wearing a John Deacon t-shirt,

obviously.

Do you think he actually loves Queen or is he just pretending?

It's moths to a flame.

So what I don't want is for Deacon to act as a trap whereby I've attracted 50 hot chicks, Dave, and suddenly the smell hits them

of the sort of weird cotton problem that these t-shirts have.

What a smell.

Because it's like it's giving with one hand, it's taking with the other.

What an unpleasant image.

I know.

The John Deacon moth light.

Is this what 50 Cent was rapping about within the club?

Was it about

women flocking around you in a John Deacon Deacon t-shirt?

Yeah, and obviously, you know, the next night I go back to the club, I'm wearing my Roger Taylor t-shirts.

Yes.

A hundred hot chick stamps.

He's back, he's back, look, he's back.

We didn't smell the same as last night.

I hope not, but it's such a cool look.

So, yeah, they're gone.

They're gone.

Oh, that's quite sad.

Yeah, but you've got to show.

Do you have any dusters?

No.

I don't think I've ever dusted anything in my life.

Yeah, and it's disgusting.

It's not disgusting.

Because I have a cleaner who dusts on my behalf.

Okay, who has permission to dust?

Okay.

I give you permission to dust.

Just don't go in the second drawer down

for crying out loud.

No.

And if you do, don't tell anyone.

I'm allowed to do what I want in the privacy of my own home.

I've had a lot of physical afflictions over the past 18 months.

Not all of them are at the same time, but it is cumulative and it looks bad.

Yes, some of those items have expired.

But I couldn't be bothered to take them back to Boots, so I'm just going to chuck them in the bin.

Yeah, and that's fine.

Not in jest.

If contact with eyes rimps thoroughly.

Well, that's just a magazine I'm keeping for a friend.

Yeah, that's just for a friend.

He's trying to start up his own company.

He's keeping it for a friend because he hasn't got room in his house for a magazine.

Yeah, exactly.

What has everyone else been up to?

Inspiring young minds again, John.

Have you, Dave?

With your outreach?

No, the outreach is something different.

Digital outreach across all platforms.

Yes, or just in Liverpool because it's outreach for Radio One.

You're inspiring some young minds.

Yeah.

So Radio One's Bequen's Big Weekend is going to Liverpool.

But they call it Bequennes.

Bequend.

Yeah, it just makes

because young people don't have time.

Yeah.

Are you going to Bequent?

Bequent, hey.

Big weekend.

Hey, cool, dude.

You have to bequend.

Hashtag bquenned.

And it's b q

w n d

so we're doing some outreach for it, John, actually.

So what does outreach mean, Dave?

It just means

we're on the ground, boots on the ground, doing some special sessions.

Dave, you make it all sound like a war.

Yeah.

Outreach, boots on the ground, friendly fire, collateral damage, blue on blue in the barracks.

So, so you were in Liverpool?

No, this isn't part that's how I was inspiring myself.

How are you involved in Radio One's big weekend?

I'm very loosely involved because

the youth department of Audio Always are heavily involved and I oversee.

Audio Always has a youth department.

Yeah, we do.

This is just that big.

This is an under-12s team.

It just helps separate some of the content we make.

It's not really kind of...

a huge do we don't really kind of publicize having a youth department but sometimes it just helps with the various corners of audio always to know know the type of content you're making.

They're all having a kick about with the sponge football.

Yeah, so we did a bit of outreach in Liverpool ahead of Big Weekend for our Radio One show, Bequenned.

It makes it sound like you know, Liverpool's a thriving city.

We don't call it outreach, it's just the name that it's always had from within the network.

Okay, so it's not a that's not an audio.

It's BBC's fault, it's not BBC's fault, it's the it's the BBC calls it outreach, and Dave thinks that's lame, but he still has to use the phrase on professional calls.

Dave wants to use phrases like manage decline because he's always disliked Liverpool because he's from Manchester and that's his thing.

No.

So how did you inspire the young minds?

I inspired minds.

I didn't inspire minds there.

I went to...

Did you say, hey, kids?

Yeah, it might surprise you to know that on my phone, I have the personal telephone number of John Robbins.

And they were like, what?

And you were like, yeah, the guy with the John Deacon t-shirt in the club.

That guy.

Yeah, that guy.

Suddenly you've got them by the Jaffers.

That weird old Smelly Bloch.

Yeah, him.

No, they're not the minds I was inspiring.

I went to Hannah's secondary school that she teaches at.

Oh, no, that's.

And did a little how to make podcasts talk for the year seven.

Oh, did they make a little podcast?

Yeah,

they make a podcast.

Yeah, my daughter made a podcast when she was in year five.

Yeah, it's really and also not bad.

Well, someone.

Yes, I was sort of worryingly impressed with the standard, actually.

Well, I started to do a presentation and I showed showed it to Hannah the night before just to make sure I was on the right vibes and make sure I wasn't showing anything too blue from the video clips that we make, especially the blooming sexted boys next door.

What blue stuff have you got on your clips, Dave?

Sexted, isn't it?

No, gosh.

It's pixelated.

It's 97% pixelated to their output.

No, you've got to remember probably 60% of the stuff that...

It's not pixelated in Amsterdam.

No.

Because

we, I mean, we've talked about our bits aging in the past, retiring our gentlemen's agreements.

As much as we're very delicate with how we phrase it, it's probably not for the ears and eyes and minds of a

year seven.

Yeah.

Ten-year-olds.

Of course, of course.

No, they're 12.

Like last week when Ellis didn't read out the email from my young listener because we were up on the captain's deck.

Yes, the captain's deck, yeah.

That,

well.

No, I probably shouldn't be going to year seven.

Yeah.

A secondary school.

I have no idea about this stuff.

Like, what's...

I just assume nothing is age-appropriate anymore.

Exactly, it's tricky.

So anyway, I showed hannah the presentation and the first slide she was like they know what a podcast is dave because i was going into kind of granular detail as to what so kids you know a podcast kids is audio that you can listen to whenever and wherever you want and she's like they're not do your mums and dads and guardians listen to boreal people chatting when they're on the sounds like the radio but it's not the radio it's probably a podcast

so i kind of talked out them i think they were interested it's it is hard to tell at that age because they're all very shy.

Well,

it occurred to me today, Dave, that basically, given my A-levels, which were English media studies and theatre studies,

it was either podcaster slash comedian or unemployed.

Yeah.

It's really the sort of the only

outcome possible.

Yeah.

So well done.

Thanks.

Thanks, everyone.

Well done, you chose.

Yeah.

You opened the correct door.

Look at you now.

And what have you been up to, Ellis?

Oh, I went to watch Swansea play Watford at Vicarage Road.

That was good fun.

We lost 1-0, but it's not about that, is it?

It's about the company.

Is it?

Tovey, Stan, Flego, the Right Honourable Andy Nack, and the great Eggie.

They were all there.

I thought it doesn't get better.

It's like names out of Gavin and Stacey.

You know,

it was Cymry Connection away day, wasn't it?

Big time.

Yeah, I reckon I Cymry Connected with 680 of the 700 fans there.

Did you?

Well, Well, did you?

Oh, yeah.

And

the 20 I didn't connect with were on the toilet.

Okay.

So it was just good.

If only you could bring those kind of stats into the actual game.

Yeah, yeah, but I'm there helping me.

And I, you know, my mentality is different when I'm at a football match.

I just,

I don't know.

I'd gone for a bike ride in the afternoon.

Yeah.

Because I'd done podcasts in the morning, bike ride in the afternoon.

Watford away

with, I don't know, what a life.

These are the days of our lives.

They are.

Be honest,

given the popularity of the feature that it feels, you know,

the Cymru Connection.

It's been on a BBC World's documentary.

It's a BBC World's documentary now, isn't it?

Is it becoming an ordeal when you're out in public around Welsh people?

If I'm out in public around Welsh people, it will get mentioned in the first 60 seconds.

Yeah.

But is it becoming like a bit like everyone's connection?

No, because I'm building connections.

Oh, you love it.

Yeah, like I met a guy called Craig who was taught by my auntie.

Yeah.

That's going in.

We've got Cymru Connection blanket coverage, and we've accidentally got it into the anecdotal section of the podcast.

We've been talking for 20 minutes, John.

I know.

You're doing all right.

John hates it, and we have to explain it.

I don't hate it.

I'm aware it's on national radio once a week.

Yeah.

For 25 minutes of an hour-long show.

It's probably the most five-life thing we do, though, weirdly.

Is it think about it?

Yeah, I think so.

Because it's speaking to a nation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's good, but he's the voice of a nation.

Regional in a way.

Well,

let's do some correspondence then first to cleanse the palate.

Okay.

Even though the Welsh people all love it and want it, I want more of it.

That is true.

This is from Sean.

Hello, my lovely little friendships.

When catching up on last week's podcast, I stopped in my tracks when the conversation moved on to the surgery of the mullet.

Well,

I am the editor of Modern Barber magazine.

And like you lovely boys, most of my friends are also stumped by mullet mania.

But to me, this is all very normal.

Dave is right that the mullet and longer styles made a comeback during and post-lockdown, as men let their hair grow out and started to experiment more.

However, the mullet's also been hailed as a form of self-expression.

I'm not sure I buy that.

Well, surely isn't any haircut.

Yeah,

I get the impression Modern Barber is a magazine that people have very strong opinions about either way.

We are seeing even more experimental styles such as the burst mullet, don't know what that is, and the skullet.

And now I'm guessing what that is and I don't like the sound of it.

I'm guessing that's shaved head mullet at the back.

Surely not.

Yes, people are nodding at me.

That was young people are nodding.

The young people in the studio are nodding.

That's a bad look.

Gaining a popularity too.

I love seeing the creativity from barbers and their clients, but it's safe to say I'm desensitized to the shock of the rise of the mullet.

If John was considering a time when it would be acceptable to give it a go again, then it's now more than ever.

Carry at Mawood Boys, Sean.

She's the deputy editor, hairdressers, journal international editor, Modern Barber.

I'm on Modern Barber now.

Are you, Dave?

Yeah.

What's the mullet reach?

Well, they've got an interesting cover strategy because the one that I've happened across, he's got a beanie on.

I mean, that's the best.

How for a barber's magazine to have someone on the cover that's

oh, he's a barber with a trophy, isn't he, Dave?

He is, but you'd think Has he got a beard?

Does it look like he's got a beard, yeah?

Okay, well, you know, barbers they trim beards and shave people as well.

So maybe I'm just simplifying it to you.

It's probably that.

This is from Ollie, PCD in Retro1.

Good afternoon, my brothers from different mothers.

I'm writing just with an observation that came to me whilst listening to episode number 417 and discussion around secretly vaping at gigs, as it it contains three of the core themes of the show over the last year: one, guffs, two, gigs, three vaping.

Despite being Britain's youngest digital DJs, I'm sure you all remember going to gigs pre-smoking ban, yes,

and coming home smelling like cigarettes and beer.

Since the ban came into place, the smell at gigs is now dominated by the guff.

Well, yes, because when you could smoke, you could actually blow smoke into a guff

so you could neutralize the guff

by blowing smoke into it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh,

that's what I used to like, like a fire extinguisher.

Yeah, it's a shame we can't do that anymore.

It is a shame, actually, Dave.

I think the mix of a large group of predominantly men drinking bad lager in a packed room, meaning it's easy to pretend it was someone else in a loud environment, meaning the noise of said guff is hidden, means the gig is now the most guff-friendly public environment.

In conclusion, gigs now smell terrible.

I would say that depends on the audience.

Massive audience of the band.

The guffiest gig I've ever been to, half man, half biscuit.

Yes, and that is not a reflection on the music.

Yes, it is.

That's exactly what it is.

No, but it's not.

All the songs are about real ale

and 80s culture.

It's not a reflection on how much we like the band.

It's not a reaction.

No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it's just a reflection that every single person who likes them is 64.

Yeah, yeah, and we're younger.

Yeah, but we're the exception.

Yeah, okay.

However, the rise of the vapes and the secret vapists at gigs is creating a much more enjoyable gig smell experience.

Yes.

I'm not a vapor, and I'd previously dismissed those who do vape vapor as ultra-thicko deluxes, but this smell change at gigs has firmly shown me to never doubt Robbins again.

Kind regards, Ollie.

There you go.

John's never in doubt, Dave.

Because you can mask a guff with a lung full of bonoffy pie, Dave, or of watermelon ice.

Oh, God, I bet that's horrible, though.

Well,

it's better than a guff, isn't it?

I don't know.

Well, they don't do guff-flavoured vapes.

But fag smoke, I get it.

Pow, it's out of the way.

It just obliterates the guff, I imagine.

You're not even understanding that there was ever a guff in there.

It's crazy.

But with, I imagine with vape smoke, it could often maybe just kind of twist the smell into something probably just as foul.

I imagine that.

Yeah.

It's what it is.

It's the year nine changing rooms dilemma.

Yes.

Which is sweat and lynx Alaska.

And it's disgusting.

Because

boys in changing rooms in year nine, in my experience, when I was at school 30 years ago, we weren't washing enough, but we were spraying a lot of links on.

And that just creates a really good thing.

I would rather just sweat, I think, the sort of the pure

bodily smell of work and effort and graft than sweat plus

98-hour triple X protection thermal ice cold.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Basically,

it's basically butane.

Yeah.

We've had some lovely Van Morrison stories.

This from Lawrence, now in Portland, Oregon, Dave, which is cool.

That is cool.

Your show last week discussing Van Morrison brought back teenage memories of seeing Van perform in Barnstable, North Devon.

That's where I met Izzy.

Is he really?

Yeah, first time I met Izzy was doing a gig in Barnstable.

The combination of Van Morrison and provincial Devon seemed too unlikely, and I had to Google it to confirm it wasn't a fever dream.

But sure enough, in 1999, he squeezed in the 600-seat Queen's Theatre Barnstable between gigs in Dusseldorf and seven nights in San Francisco.

Wow.

A generous estimate might put his stage time at about 10% of the total set.

Mostly he just left his band playing without him while he went backstage.

Any time singing was further reduced by his on-stage smoking.

He'd reach into his pocket, put a cigarette in his mouth and then motion to the side of the stage impatiently for a stage hand to run on and light his cigarette whilst held in his mouth.

He finished with Moondance, which he sang enough verses of to satisfy my parents, who are huge fans, and we went back home.

25 years later, it easily rates as the most lackluster performance I've seen.

That's from Lawrence in Oregon.

I wonder if you've seen me live.

Wow.

Yeah, I can totally see that.

We've got another one from James.

James says, at my university's end of year prom, a fly-by-night band was hired to play called One Night Only.

How cruel fate can be.

Being a musician myself, you recently used my Elliott Smith style jingle.

Great.

Oh yes, that was a good one.

I sidled up to their roadie who had previously worked with Van Morrison.

He prayed tale of a roadie colleague on the same job who set up stage for the Naan Irishman for a beach concert on a searing hot summer sand somewhere.

I sidled up to their roadie who told me a tale of working on a job with the Irishman for a beach concert on a searing hot summer beach somewhere.

Van the Mann's dressing room was apparently not directly adjacent to the stage, and he had to walk over hot sand for a few yards to get to it.

Unfortunately, this was in an era when Van insisted on performing in bare feet.

Come stage time, he refused to walk on the hot sand.

As crowds waited, Van's arms became more folded.

Time was ticking.

Other stage hands suggested a long carpet, but there was no time to procure one.

At Van Morrison's behest, the roadie eventually picked him up and carried him on stage.

Oh, like a baby.

Love the show.

Thanks for consistently providing top quality content, James.

Amazing.

The thing is, if you are famous and successful,

especially in

if you're a performer, the entertainment industry, the entertainment industry is full of enablers.

Yeah, and they will enable that kind of behavior.

Well, the entertainment industry is full of enablers because they worry they'll get sacked if they don't enable.

Yeah, that's part of the problem.

But it's a slightly vicious circle, isn't it?

Well, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I can't imagine, unless I had an accident, I can't imagine being carried to the stage.

It's quite, I imagine Mariah Carey's probably been carried over like muddy, muddy grass before to make sure

don't get dirty.

It's like occasionally very glamorous people, certainly years ago, would perform at Glastonbury.

You'd think, how have they got to the stage?

Yeah.

And maintaining that look when there's so much mud everywhere.

So

pick one one of the three topics I'm going to mention now for the final email.

You've either got in defense of the Wirral,

Tire Pile in Narbuth,

or

many responses to your anti-World Book Day rant.

I kind of want to pick two of those because I do.

I mean, I bet Ellis is very keen to hear about the tyres in Narbuth because that was something you were.

Well, very excitingly, although this doesn't paint me in a great light, we've had lots of letters in from America because of my American accent.

So, Beth Halsney from, who now lives in Seattle, and Tyler from Milwaukee in Wisconsin, which is very exciting.

Wow, I'll get to them great.

But I also want to hear about Book Day.

Go on then.

Fallout.

Well,

this is from Rachel.

Rachel says, hello, literary lads.

I felt compelled to get in touch after nodding so vehemently at Ellis's World Book Day diatribes.

That will happen.

that I was in danger of giving myself a whiplash.

What does a love of books and reading have to do with dressing up?

And seriously, if I'd known that being a parent would involve so much arts and crafts, I'd have paid more attention at school or at least enrolled in a prenatal costume-making course.

Good point, actually.

If you're a parent, so for example, were I ever to

sire children,

you know, they're going to be heads of state,

you know, the great artists artists of their generation, time, person of the year, etc.

At the UN, and work at the UN.

But before that happens, I'm useless at stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's why I don't like it.

So I would feel it's like

my confidence would take an enormous hit.

It has done from

so pale.

But I guess it would mean that

I could pass it off as their work, you know, various pasta and glue projects.

Anyway, Rachel goes on.

My six-year-old school asked the pupils to dress up as a word rather than a character.

After vetoing Koala because she doesn't have a koala outfit, we went for Curious.

I confidently told her I'd make her a question mark-shaped necklace out of modeling clay.

I was genuinely proud of my efforts, but the comments on the parental WhatsApp group confirmed my fears.

I had actually made a necklace of Willie's.

What?

Oh my god.

Rachel supplies a photo, which is quite extraordinary.

Yeah, it looks like you really hate your kid.

You're sending them into school wearing penis necklaces.

It looks like you could get a job in the modern

sort of self-pleasure

manufacture arena.

It looks a little bit...

Because they do look like that sort of cool shape, just a very lot of smooth

Randy Doctor Who.

Because he's question mark, isn't he?

Oh, right.

I don't know.

I don't watch Doctor Who.

Well, the question mark is quite a big part of Doctor Who iconography.

Oh, is it?

I would have thought you'd, I mean, I don't watch Doctor Who either.

How do I know that?

Do I totally have to?

I'm just because he's a British national treasure.

I mean,

and it's a big show.

I would have thought if you're going to work at the BBC, John, you should have a sort of working knowledge of Doctor Who.

I haven't watched Doctor Who till since Sylvester McCoy.

No, I was a Sylvester McCoy boy as well.

I instantly felt the same frustration I'd experienced at school when my lofty creative vision was constantly dampened by my total lack of skill.

Lesson learned: let your child make their own costume as they will probably think it's great and you can absolve them of any responsibility.

Yeah, that's right.

Get your kids to do it.

Yeah, it's just the standards are so high.

Yeah, it's tricky because the dot, it's a shame, because the dot of the question mark is attached.

Well, it can't be a separate thing.

It can't be.

Well, you could maybe attach it by string.

I don't know.

But they actually look like a really good design for

a bit of self-care, Dave.

Okay.

Self-care, what?

An early night?

Also, a lady's self-care device.

Oh, seriously.

Bubble bath.

No, they just look like they're

dirty, sexist.

The hook, I understand the hooks is where you grip.

Oh, right.

I don't know.

It's almost like a handle.

You're dirty and wrong.

Rachel, I think this would be a great story of British industry.

Yeah, if you

actually sent off these designs.

To Anne Summers.

No, they're more modern ones, no cooler ones now.

Oh, yeah.

It's a growth industry.

Right.

Yeah.

The tire pile in Narbeth from one.

We do cover the human experience, Dave.

This is from Tathan Harding Lloyd.

Is Tathan a Welsh name?

No, I've not heard that name before, actually.

Hello, happy shining people.

I thought I would chip in on Tuesday's discussion of sinister tire piles.

As someone who hails from Narbuth, I know exactly the pile Ellis is mentioning on the farm on the Pembluen Road.

Yeah, Pembluen Roundabout.

It's a very run-down farm that my little sister's friend's granny owns.

Oh!

Here we go.

On the Pembluen Roundabout?

That's incredible.

That's huge.

All roads lead back to the Pembluen Roundabout.

Well, they do if you're going to half the West.

John was on the right track.

The tires are used as a way of holding down the black plastic that is used to cover silage.

Ah.

I'll be able to connect.

Would that come as a connection?

No.

What's that?

I'm keeping it.

I've seen the tires owned by someone's little sister's grandma.

Yes.

The grass is left.

So it's silage rather than manure.

The grass is left to ferment, both increasing its bioavailability

and providing a storage of food to feed the herd during winter, when the grass is sparse and the cows spend more time in barns.

Regardless, it was nice to hear my hometown of Narbuth and its infamous crematorium mentioned on the podcast.

Thank you.

Such a good one.

Thank you,

Tatham, for that.

I have been to Lnehli Krem, but I don't rate it as highly as Narbuth.

No.

Someone sent an email in about seeing one of my early gigs.

I haven't read the email.

Is it safe for me to read out?

I think it's.

I think it's all right.

I'm not going to fall into a shame puddle.

I mean, that's inevitable.

It's just nice history.

Chaps, I've loved the J-R-T-I-Y-S-U-L content recently.

Nice.

What does that stand for?

John Robbins.

This is your stand-up life.

It has also brought old memories to light.

I had my first exposure to Robins at the age of 15.

I'm now 28 and think I'm finally ready to talk about it.

The year was 2012.

The show was in a damp stone arch at the fringe is just the tonic.

One of the running...

One of the running gags was, I've never heard it called that before.

Delivered with winningly camp charm.

This is my camp period so it's kind of it's like the original sounds like my love life almost yes yeah yeah but that was a good bit actually about a friend who got the phrase i've never heard it called that before wrong yeah okay

he applied it to something that didn't make sense anyway

I had flouted the venue's strict 16 plus policy for John's show.

If anything, it should have been 18 plus, given its through line about a Towie star's genital bling.

And it felt good.

That drizzly weekday afternoon, I streamed into the venue as part of a crowd that must have swelled to six people.

Oh, God, God, God.

Is that accurate?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're coming to the bottom.

Yeah, the house lights didn't go down properly.

We could see John.

John could see us.

Within about two minutes, I remember Robin singling me out and asking how old I was.

He was appalled and swift to remind me and the whole room of the venue's rules and regs.

No corruption of the youth here.

That said, he didn't kick me out.

The next person John picked on, there were five remaining, was a vicar.

Oh my god.

Do you remember the vicar or not?

No, I just remember the general feeling of this being my life.

Yeah.

And thinking, how has this happened?

Yeah.

Not that, you know, no, no slight on the people who came, but when you're when you talk to someone in the front row and it's it's more than you know 20% of your audience.

Yeah.

I don't know what John's target audience was at this point, but I don't imagine that it was underage or be of the cloth.

Still, two-thirds of the audience, i.e.

the four other people, were fair game and undeterred.

Robins plunged headlong into a routine featuring bajazzling, a toy for grown-ups and a body count.

Oh my god.

God, I remember this.

Remember this stuff.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Good stuff it does.

I remember laughing a lot for the next hour, and that John's final line was so blue, it would flush the cheeks of Britain's most liberal-minded critic.

Hang on, what was so?

What tour was this?

Was it a tour or was this just.

It's not a tour, Dave.

2012.

What was the final line?

It was the Vejazzling show, wasn't it?

It wasn't a Vajazzling show.

That's what I was

from that show.

Yeah, that was a really good feminist routine, actually.

Yeah, it was good stuff.

Showing allyship, actually.

Seeing John at such a tender age alerted me to rich new scenes of superb humour and taught taught me that a fancy venue and a huge crowd don't matter.

They do when it comes to the settlement.

What a sad email that is to send.

We all set the...

Here's my invoice.

Thanks for the settlement.

What'd you get?

What are you getting for a six?

Minus.

Minus.

Yeah, it's you're losing money indeed.

You know, we get like a fan.

And oh the fists.

You're having fun, I suppose.

When you know that if you sell out every show, you'll break even.

Oh, my.

And there are six people in a 120-seater, you're like, okay.

So we're not breaking even, are we?

At that point, you've got to be a mentality monster.

You've got to be a mentality monster, David.

You've got to be Mosaic.

And let me tell you this, until Edinburgh 2022, 23, I was not a mentality monster.

23, really?

It took me until Edinburgh 2023 to become a man.

No, that's not true.

I became a mentality monster, I would say, in Edinburgh, at the end of Edinburgh 2015.

Okay.

But right at the end.

So

I've had three runs as a mentality monster.

Why does anyone do it?

If you're going to lose that much money.

Anyway, different, I suppose, different, bigger conversations.

Love of the lash.

Love of the lash and comedy.

So thank you for the laughs, John.

And a couple of times I've seen you since, once upstairs at the Pleasants, and once with an ex in what felt like a classroom.

Here's to seven more years.

Thanks from S in Splot.

Oh.

and we really are engaging the Welsh audience with our

come reconnecting because they're all emailing in, don't you?

Believe you, me well, they're also emailing in from the US, right?

Hello to my favourite vibe visionaries.

I was listening to the latest episode and had to pause for a moment to send you this little note.

I couldn't help but chuckle when you asserted that all your American listeners live on the East Coast in Boston or NYC, and that Midwesterners wouldn't appreciate the podcast.

Well, as a proud Midwesterner hailing from the salt of the earth heartlands like Iowa, Michigan, and Illinois, I have to respectfully disagree.

While I may now live in Seattle, I will happily stand up for the hard-working, good-hearted people of the Midwest who can appreciate a good laugh, a solid vibe, and some top-tier Simpsons references just as much as anyone.

In fact, I've shared your podcast with many of my friends who I lived with in Chicago, and it's always met with applause.

Is it?

They may be a little quieter about their love for you, but trust me, the Midwest is full of fans who appreciate a a good joke, even if they're too humble to scream about it on the socials.

Keep up the great work, and please note that there are Midwestern and elitist West Coast ears out there eagerly tuning into your banter every week.

Cheers from Beth Halsney.

But this

left me,

I've got to be honest.

I've been skewered by this one.

Okay.

Hello, my two devilish rogues.

I'm writing in response to Ellis, who in episode 417 made the assertion that no one in the Midwest or Great Lakes regions listens to your usually delightful podcast.

Well, Ellis, I live in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, on the edge of Lake Michigan.

A leafy green area in your usual comparison of the USA.

Is it leafy or dusty?

Ellis, to juxtapose the situation, giving a person from the Midwest a southern heckish accent saying, I wash myself with a rag on a stick, is like giving a person from Wales a posh accent and having them say pip pip cheerio, let's go shave our heads and get in a fight over some football.

It's incorrect on various levels, including that we all have mullets.

So I invite you Ellis James as a man who prides himself on connection to connect with us in the Midwest and Great Lakes regions, as we have so tried to connect with you.

Oh, America's not just

hurts.

America's not just LA and New York.

We have a variety of regions, dialects, and cultures.

Love you both.

Tyler from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

That felt bad.

Ellis, you should be ashamed of that.

I've been humbled there.

I've been humbled.

I've been humbled.

And it doesn't feel great, but I apologise to Tyler.

Yeah.

But it's nice now.

We've got these listeners all over America.

Very, yeah.

Because

that's one of the most American addresses I've ever seen.

Yeah.

Tyler in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, edge of Lake Michigan.

We should be all so cool.

We should do like a Led Zeppelin-style 250-day tour of the US.

I'd do it.

I'd love to.

Dave, we should go on honeymoon to Aspen in the fall.

Yeah, Dave.

Why honeymoon?

I don't know.

Are you marrying Dave?

Well, yeah, all right.

We could have a brunny moon, like a bro honeymoon.

Yeah, is that what it's called?

I don't know.

I just made a dance, isn't it?

I just riffed it.

Wow.

I only just got a 17-day tour past Hannah.

I ain't getting to it.

In the UK.

The Led Zeppelin.

The Led Zeppelin mantra was: you've got to just keep going back, you keep working.

Because obviously, there's no national radio stations in the US like there is in the UK.

Because in the UK, if you've got on radio one, everyone heard you.

Yeah, yeah.

You've got to do all the local stations, you've got to do gig after gig after gig.

So we need to do 250 to 300 gigs.

Okay, I'll run it past her.

If we're going to be like Joe Rogan, Dave.

Yeah.

I see how much we can rope in the grandparents.

Because that is what it comes to us.

Do you know how they do graphics of

the routes taken by Taylor Swift's private jet?

Yeah.

She makes like sort of 800-metre journeys by private jet.

It's going to be the same for us, bit a Kia Sportage

going across America in the most economical way.

Trying to break America.

Anyway,

John would like to eat a meringue, so I think it's time we catch up with Adrian.

Because I'm at a garden party in the 1950s.

Oh, my God, Dave.

I'm going in.

Have you done any work on the

evolutionary psychiatry of comedians?

I haven't, no, but that's an interesting thing.

Yeah, just I've got a couple of good exhibits for you on that,

Ellis James and John Robbins, who join us now.

Have you ever looked at this, John?

You know, how the, you know, how long,

you know, if you'd lived in a cave, would you still have been trying to make people laugh?

I'd have been creating content, Adrian.

Is it possible?

It's a cave wall.

Yeah, it's a deep-seated human urge to broadcast.

And I would have used the cave as a rudimentary speaker.

I'd have assembled the rest of the tribe outside, and I would have sort of given my reflections on the day, done a bit of anecdotal stuff about

saber-toothed tigers, yeah, and

a nut-based diet in the winter.

I went to watch the swans play Watford on Wednesday night.

So is that a deep-seated evolutionary desire to watch the swans at Vicarage Road on a Wednesday?

Matt, Dr.

Matt, come on, we need some answers from you here.

I think there must be.

I think there's the only way we can explain it, really, yeah.

Well,

I cannot wait to tell, is he that much?

It's like how monks used to sort of wear hair shirts and stuff and lash themselves with a whip as penance.

You get that through standing in the freezing cold with a man called Eggie.

Yeah, it was cold.

Yeah.

Do you know my Eggie was my nickname at school?

That's weird.

Everyone knows an Eggie.

This is my big theory.

I'm I'm friends with an Eggie.

There's always an Eggie in every circle of friends.

And why is your Eggie known as Eggie?

Because I don't know why.

It must have started with me in a cool hand Luke type scene, eating a fantastic number of eggs at primary school one lunchtime, but I don't remember the incident.

Why is your Eggie an Eggie?

I don't know, and I hope I'm not speaking out of turn.

I think a teacher might have told him that he had a head or face shaped like an egg in the 80s.

Well, that's not very nice.

I could be wrong.

I'll have to tell you.

He can't do that anymore, can they?

Because of woke, you can't tell students they've got a head shaped like an egg anymore.

And that's why we're seeing a continuous decline in GCSE results.

Because a terrified pupil

is a studious pupil.

Okay.

I'll text Eggie now.

I don't know if that's true.

And I'm not saying that he's got an egg-shaped head at all.

He's a lovely man.

Does everybody know an Eggie?

Dr.

Butler, do you know an Eggie?

I don't know an Eggie, actually.

No, no.

My nickname was Botty Muncho, when I was at school.

Was it?

Okay, was that for you?

Botty.

Botty.

Oh, right.

I was going to say.

Everyone knows a button.

Everyone knows a peanut, an eggie, and a noodle in my experience.

And a digger cookie.

I had a sudden feeling that each week I should ask you both a random question.

And this week, I'd like to ask you what your favourite flower is.

Oh, I took a photo of it on holiday.

I can't remember the name, but it's in Portugal and they use it to dress the outsides of hotels.

Come back to me in one second because I'll think of my favorite UK-based flower.

Ellis plane.

Plane in punk cakes.

What's your favorite, Alice?

Oh, I do the hydrangeas.

He doesn't care.

Daph, he doesn't.

He doesn't care.

I've got a lovely.

I've got a lovely little shrub in my garden because my garden agent, you'll appreciate this, is planted for scent yeah it's a scent-based garden my favorite scent is a honeysuckle

uh in the cool gets everywhere honeysuckle i hate it it gets everywhere you grow to loathe it you got to keep it under control anyway 12

honeysuckle um i think the one i it's not a sharon but it is a woman's name and it's got beautiful scented it's a shrub and it's got beautiful scented flowers i'll text you when i remember it can you please ask me what mine is just so i can say it what's yours what's yours it's not an interesting answer it's a petunia i was thinking how much I love petunias and I'm waiting for them to appear this year.

And I just thought I'd ask you two.

I don't think it's gone very well, particularly.

It hasn't been that interesting, but it's passed a bit of time.

I'm going to Google that.

What's that?

Oh, yeah, very nice.

Yeah.

Oh, they're beautiful.

They come in cascades.

It's a sign that spring and summer are here.

At the BBC, we go further so you see clearer.

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Well, Well, well, well, we've already discussed some of John's

nascent stand-up career already today.

But I think we do that in more detail now in John's This Is Your Stand-Up Life.

I feel like one of those brides who keeps having hen-us

and like her friends are starting to go, this is getting ridiculous.

We had the spa day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then we had the weekend.

School friend Henu.

The university friend Henu.

We had the weekend in Madrid.

This is costing me a grand.

Yeah, yeah.

You know,

the NCT mums hindu.

Why couldn't they all go on the same hindu?

And you've got one friend who went to school with them, works with them, and is in their NCT group.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's costing her two grand today.

Yeah, she's livid.

Absolutely livid.

And the guy she's marrying is a f ⁇ ing.

Yeah.

It's not going to last.

He's a walking red flag day.

Yeah.

But she won't listen.

No, you've tried to tell her.

Oh, man.

But you can't tell him at that stage.

No, so why are we doing this before we do this?

Because it's 20 years now.

It's now 21 years since John's.

John's debut as a stand-up comic.

And a few weeks ago, I started to basically write the biography of John Robbins as stand-up.

as one of the colossal giant he's certainly on british comedy's mount rashmore i would say

When you reckon, you're way on earth.

I'm not even in the same state.

No, I know.

I was just trying to be nice.

Anyway,

to pretend that it's this.

I'm a piece of novelty tat in a Mexican souvenir shop.

As long as you said that.

Yes, I agree.

I think you're on the thinking man's Rushmore.

I doubt.

Dave, you're mad.

Come on, man.

Right.

You know how they say that, like, actually, the tallest mountain is under water?

Yes.

I'm one of those ones where you're like, it's a technicality, but no one ever considers it because it's like in the Mariana Trench.

Yeah, yeah.

He's on the Mount Rushmore of Comedy Under the Sea.

On Mars.

For thinking men.

Right.

Okay.

Thinking people.

Right, so now we left John's story in 2007 with Robbins basking in the glory of emceeing a new act competition in Edinburgh called The Comedy Zone and back home in the southwest, fast earning himself a reputation as one of the most compelling acts to live within 60 miles of Hereford.

John was in his mid-twenties, parts of Bedminster were his oyster and such was his confidence, he put photos of himself wearing a leather jacket but topless underneath on his MySpace.

If this was a Disney movie, John would now slowly but steadily be making progress in London, taking tentative steps into the world of television, and his talents would see him complete a stranglehold on the comedic output of BBC Bristol.

But alas, this isn't Disney.

This film is being made by studio real life.

Look at Powell and Presper.

And actually, for the next seven years, John's career entered a stasis that he seemingly couldn't correct as all his friends became successful, which, as I'm sure, as all the listeners can imagine, he was absolutely fine with.

I saw lots of John in this period, and there's one word which I would use to describe him: 2007-14.

Grace.

Grace and goodwill.

As one of the most creatively fertile comic minds to come out of Bristol since Ian Holloway,

it certainly wasn't John's comedy stylings that held him back.

Having given up his early dark persona in which he discussed Harry Potter and top shelf sexual practices with an assassin's gaze, By 2007, John had pivoted 180 degrees to create a new kind of humour.

He was the newly crowned king/slash only member of Bristol's being excessively camp in bootcut jeans scene.

Have we got any guests on for this time?

I'm live.

No, but they're not free.

No, they weren't free, and I tried lots.

Lots are in Australia.

Yeah.

Whether he was talking about doing star jumps in a nightclub or shortening words such as 20s to 20s.

Oh, God.

11 to 11.

Obvious to obvos.

And now all of the kids are doing it, Dave, because Izzy says mabes.

He on a he I watched some stuff and he was doing it in 2010-2011.

The spirit of Frankie Howard was alive and well in John's comedy, but had been updated to include references to Rose the Scouting Movement and doing it.

I, of course, was at a similar stage of my career in Cardiff.

In one of our weekly strategy phone calls, I once asked John if we should try writing sketches together.

To which he replied, and this is a direct quote which I will never forget, what's the point in spending hours to write a sketch, you just put it in a drawer and forget about it forever.

Faced with that kind of remorseless logic, I backed down.

By this point, John was emceeing the comedy box in Bristol, one of the best stand-up gigs in Britain, but his days leading up to Showtime were empty.

Having attended the comedy box as an audience member, I was hugely impressed with the poise in which he compared such a great gig, but I was concerned about John's life offstage.

During another one of our weekly strategy phone calls, I asked John what he was doing to further his career, to which he replied, watching Mince Defrost in real time.

But my concerns reached fever pitch when he said he had a crush on a girl who was radiant to crystals.

By 2009, I too was emceeing the comedy box in Bristol, but John by this point had moved on to rule the roost of the Bath Comedia.

I would often stay at John's house, and we would stay up late, and I would watch him sing along to Bonnie Prince Billy as he smoked fags out the window before he'd make me in hot sauces that were called things like Ghost Hammer and Colon Apocalypse.

And I would face a challenging 48 hours on the toilet.

Even though John loved trying to de-infantilise my taste buds, this wasn't his real focus.

That, of course, was the Edinburgh Festival.

While it's true that John's shows in his period weren't given the spotlight or audiences they deserved, As ever, John took this really well.

On one late night walk back from the pub through the meadows, the two of us having gone for a pint to celebrate his four-star review in chortle, he cried so much that tears squirted out of his face at right angles.

Something I'd never actually seen before, even though my mum used to run a nursery.

As I said, grace and goodwill.

Whether it was his show, Skinny Love, Where is My Mind, Domantic Reverie, or Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven, I loved John Zarus at Edinburgh in this period and was proud to be one of his chief apologists.

Where would this talent take him?

There's more to be revealed in our final episode next week.

So what did that, what was the window there?

2007 to 14, the wilderness years.

Wilderness is can you not get John or Russell on?

I tried, but John is...

Russell was busy and John doesn't pick up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And 4D was, has got a flight at 11.45.

Oh.

And Rousheen said yes, and then her boiler broke.

But

I said this to Ellis, I think the real humour is in the way that Ellis writes that.

And the guests are very well.

The guests are nice, but it's actually.

We had a couple of big hitters we could have had on them, Dave, just for the socials.

Yeah, we'll get next week.

It's too late now.

It's too late.

It's too late.

It's too late.

We tried.

All you can do is try.

Yeah.

Because isn't life long?

No.

Well,

I think it's a privilege to say that life is long.

Oh, yeah, but it's long.

It can be.

42.

I'm 42.

Yeah.

Spring chicken.

I know, but that's the thing.

I feel 100.

It would feel very short if you were dying, John.

We're all dying.

Really dying.

Yeah, but we are.

No, we are all.

All right, if you have Tim Leeel, you silly song.

Yeah, but it's long.

Yes.

I'm the man who's lived a million lives, Dave.

Have you?

No.

You watched Minster Frost.

I watched Minster Frost, Dave.

Life is long if you're watching Minster Frost.

Yes, that is true.

I just started going out with Izzy then, and she was staying at my house in Cardiff, and she said, How's John?

I said, he's watching Minster Frost in a really long time.

I was at my house in Bedman.

She went, oh.

It takes a while.

It takes hours.

Yeah.

But he didn't have to be at the venue till 7pm.

Good.

So the final installment next week.

Yeah.

Where will it go?

Where will it take us?

The final installment.

Yeah, we're going going to 2014 to 2025

12 11 years the successful years yes that's the thing oh god yeah yeah who do we get next week give us a few heads ups john give us some tips oh well well it's it's the successful years dave so you get my accountant yeah

the bbc commissioner bbc commissioner of course yeah um

The person who was responsible for making comedies, Mount Rushmore.

Try and sweeten them.

Yeah, sweeten the deal.

Yeah.

Who commissioned Beat the Internet?

A genius.

Yeah.

So a visionary day.

Yeah, them on.

Funny what they're doing now.

They lost their job.

Yeah.

But I'm sure they're fine.

I'm sure everyone's fine, really.

He's got a lot to live for.

He's wearing a new t-shirt.

He's got lots of good friends.

Oh, absolutely.

Steven is dreaming.

I'm in the success years now.

It's nice, genuinely, because when you think about

performing in front of six people

and it's very hard on the treadmill of life and the treadmill of Mount Rushmore that you're on

to take that step back and go, wow, to go from performing to six people, talking to each and every one of the members of the audience in one show, to Hammersmith or the Lowry, it's quite cool, isn't it?

It is cool.

Doing all right.

Yeah, I do sometimes struggle to feel that.

I know, and that's and I think a lot of people do.

It's very hard.

It's good that, and in a sense, it's good that you don't.

Otherwise, you'd be sort of completely unbearable egoist.

And your motivation would probably just ground to a hole if you're not

so you sort of

the danger is

that you you get there and think that you deserved it yes whereas no one deserves it no absolutely not those people are hard hard work and often people turn into that

yes so they've been humble on the way up and then they get there yeah and then they become unbearable you think oh i used to like I used to like Gingaminium.

What's happened here?

It's weird.

But, you know,

I think you've got to think it's it's slightly silly.

You've got to think it's slightly silly.

You've got to think that it could

all

go away.

Yes.

And you've got to think that it's the result of hard work, even though I don't, you know, feel like I work particularly hard.

Miranda Sawyer described you as a workaholic.

Very positive review.

Don't get the socials on that, please.

Dave, look into it, Dave.

She did a very positive review, but she did describe you as a workaholic.

And I laughed and laughed and laughed.

We do need this for the awards write-ups.

But I tell you what, the energy it takes not to walk off stage when there's only six people in a bad room in Edinburgh is you that's work.

That's the hardest I think you ever work as a comic.

Oh, yeah.

The hardest bit is on the way up when you, when no one knows you are.

Yeah.

Because you've got to win over cynical strangers.

And it is when you, when you are, if you are lucky enough to get to the stage where

you know you're selling lots of tickets in big rooms, you have to accept that it's a bit silly or you would become weird.

Dave, how's it going?

Yeah, yeah, you should call you a workaholic.

Is it workhorse or workaholic?

What does it say, Dave?

Is it positive?

I'm just going to read little bits, otherwise.

It's positive.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's not that it's not positive.

I got someone mentioned it to me at the gym and said, Your mate had a nice review in The Observer.

And I said, Yeah, I know.

And they described him as a workaholic.

And then he went, Is that all right?

Am I right to laugh?

I said, Yes, it's hilarious.

Okay, I'm going to read this, John, because I think it's really nice, actually.

And also, it's editorially justified, I'd say.

I think so.

I love Miranda.

Miranda has always been very kind because I think she is genuinely a big fan of YouTube.

Well, I used to read her

articles in things like Select.

Yeah.

So I'm absolutely amazed that she listens.

We sat next to her at the British Podcast Awards

on a beanbag in a big tent.

Drummond.

Yes, yes, yes.

She threw the beanbags through me.

Yes.

They were on beanbags.

There were big beanbags there, yes.

Yeah.

I think they've scaled back operations.

I watched a video of her interviewing interviewing

Richie from the Mannocks that they're doing YouTube.

God, you had access to Richie from the Mannocks.

John Robbins is usually found in Laugh Out Loud, five live podcasts with Compadre Ellis James, as well as on TV and on stage.

Stage intimately telly never.

Hey, I was on BBC Wales.

Yeah, yeah.

On the news.

He accused of a crime he didn't commit.

And this is lovely.

And you should hang on to this, John.

He's become an even funnier performer since getting sober a couple of years ago.

Oh, that's very sweet.

No.

A workaholic.

Among his many commitments, he's now solo hosting popular interview.

So that's nice, John.

That's very sweet.

Thank you, Miranda.

That's very kind.

That's given me a lift.

Good.

I can write that down on my list of wins.

Yes.

Because I'm compiling all my wins for a new feature.

That's healthy.

That is healthy to me.

And if nothing else, the jingle's coming to me.

A man who has, there's now a feature on John's wins.

That to me is a good sign.

Well, I also keep track of my losses.

Oh, yeah.

So we get a score each week.

Okay.

So it's like the Champions League.

Yeah.

Well, it's a format no one understands.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Great.

So anyway, nearly time to wrap up, but you did mention the BBC Wales package, which did go out on BBC Wales last Friday as they covered the Cymru connection, which was lovely to see.

They call on the in the news article, which by the way, the BBC News article the following day did incredibly well, apparently.

Did it?

Yeah, got like something like 750,000 views.

And

that's a third of all Welsh people.

Yeah.

An absolutely hilarious headline, though.

What was the headline again?

Something like, man thinks he can connect to any welsh caller who phones into radio show in 60 seconds man doesn't say it's my radio show doesn't name me makes me look like a local loon

it did sound but i've seen that a lot it's a it's a it's a tact it's a strategy in social media for the past couple of years for some reason someone figured out that just by saying man or woman instead of actually person oh delaware housewife has amazing trick for whitening your teeth that you won't believe i think that's where it started but it's kind of now inched across to when when you just should probably say the name of the person.

This trick will clear your bowels immediately.

It's a picture of three bananas.

Wait till the end.

Generic headlines.

Anyway.

Dave, I'm seeing video footage.

I'm seeing Ellis stood in Welsh community centres holding a sign saying, come reconnect with me.

Yes.

I'm seeing it doing on the side of a road.

Do it in a pub car park.

Do it in a pub car park.

You don't do a Skywill, Dave.

They won't.

I'm seeing him at a leisure centre.

I can tell you that for nothing.

I'm seeing him being led out of changing rooms by security with a sign saying, please come reconnect with me.

Oh, there is a funny spoof, like mini dock in this, actually, of Ellis desperately trying to connect to whoever he sees, which could be quite fun.

Anyway, it was a lovely little bit of business on BBC Wales last week.

So proud of it.

There was a package.

The amount of text messages I got from family members.

But your mum was proud.

Mum was proud, yeah.

Yeah, big time.

And what was the most impressive part of it all was you predicted how they would get into said package about a week or two before on this podcast.

Dave, I received

quite a snarky DM

from someone about the Cymru connection.

No way.

Do you know what they said?

It should be renamed as

Alex.

Ellis connects to someone his age who he went to university with who knows his mum.

Who sent you that?

It really made me bad.

Who sent you that?

I I think we need to look deeper into the Welsh demographic, Dave.

Yeah, who sent me that?

Someone your age who you went to university with who knows you mom.

Yeah, it is okay.

It's okay.

You were all going to have our strengths.

Sack Lynn for being disloyal.

Unloyal.

Disloyal.

Anyway, it's all a bit of fun, of course.

Yeah, and it was on BBC Wales and Ellis.

On Wales Today, the news programme.

Wales Today.

And

as Ellis had predicted, they did a very sort of and finally

intro.

But we, our sort of forensic audiologists have been on the case and suggest that those listening at BBC Wales have taken more than a bit of inspiration from Ellis James.

Wales might be a country of 3.1 million people.

Now, Wales might be a country of more than 3 million people.

But it seems like we all know each other.

But sometimes it can seem as if we all know each other.

Well, one broadcaster on BBC Radio 5 Live is putting that to the test.

Well, one broadcaster is putting that to the test.

Ellis James, who's from Canada.

I love very good.

That's Lucy Owen, the voice of Welsh news.

Yeah, so that was Ellis predicting how they would get into the package, and that's how they actually got into the package.

It's good stuff.

Lovely touch.

Also, she ended it by saying, it's good stuff.

I think she's a fan, which is nice.

She's been on the...

Oh, that's big for me.

It's big for

watching whales today that's big for me that's massive for me so is there a separate Welsh language news show yes on S4C which is also made by the BBC called at Noetheon

so yeah I don't know if they listen in the noatheon newsroom because you had whales today on BBC on BBC and then Wales Tonight on because the original article was in Welsh yeah that was for BBC come review which is sort of slightly younger skewed more light-hearted news stories in general

so yeah because I I did that interview afterwards, after I'd done the Wills Today stuff.

So, yeah, we're hitting the Welsh media hard.

Great.

Good stuff.

Yes, thank you so much, everyone, for getting in touch with various bits and bobs.

You can email us ellisandjohn at bbc.co.uk or WhatsApp us on 07974-293022.

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